My husband, Ron, admits that he used to be jerk, but I discovered a secret formula that turned him into a loving husband: I started treating him like a VIP! Ron always wanted me to respect him, but I thought he had to earn it and I had to feel it, before I could do it. Wrong.
We women are very good at pointing out our husbands’ faults and failures and punishing them for not meeting our needs, but that only leads to discontent and distance in our marriages. We all know that yelling, nagging, and belittling are disrespectful and ineffective. So I’m suggesting a radical concept: Treat him like a king, and eventually, he will begin to treat you like a queen.
Instead of waiting for him earn your respect, behave respectfully and watch him grow into the man God designed him to be.
Twenty five years ago, our marriage was on the brink of divorce. I was controlling, critical and disrespectful so Ron was defensive and angry. We were both Christians but neither of us was living a spirit-filled life. I was letting my emotions determine my actions and thought it was Ron’s job to make me happy. But through a series of miracles (read my book for the whole story) we made a decision to rebuild our marriage.
We went to a Christian counselor who read Ephesians 5:33 “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” and said “Nancy, the only way you will win Ron back and stay married is if you begin to respect your husband.” I knew he was right so I swallowed hard and came up with a plan.
Here are three of the ways I began to respect Ron: They are easy to remember because they spell out the goal—to treat him like a V.I.P.
Respect him Verbally, Intellectually, and Physically.
Verbally: Cut out (ok… cut back) complaining and add in compliments.
If you want to have a peaceful, happy marriage, learn the art of the compliment. Compliments are like magnets and the more you compliment your husband the more he will be attracted to you. Begin to notice when he does it right and verbally encourage him by complimenting him at least once a day.
If you are having a hard time thinking of anything to admire, consider these categories: physical traits, mental skills, financial strengths, spiritual growth, or healthy relationships with others (children, parents, or friends).
You may be asking “Hey, why should I compliment him when he NEVER compliments me?” It’s because, if you want your marriage to grow and bloom, you’ll have to water it with kindness and encouragement. Then, as he sees your sincere efforts, he will begin to change too. Don’t give up.
If you do need to bring up a difficult issue, place it between two compliments, also known as a “Compliment Sandwich.” Here’s an example, “Honey, I know how hard you work for our money and that Sally’s braces will be expensive, but I need your decision before her appointment tomorrow. I hope we can do this for her, but if you want to wait, I trust your judgment. What should I tell the orthodontist?”
Intellectually:
Men like to solve problems and fix things. So appeal to his intelligence by asking him to help you solve a problem. Instead of saying “This garage is a mess, clean up your camping stuff!” Try, “I’d like your help with something. Could you figure out a storage system for all the camping supplies?”
Don’t imply that he isn’t smart. Instead of saying “I think you are wrong about…” Say, “I’m confused about… please explain it again” (Remember to keep your tone of voice sarcasm-free.)
Request his help on Spiritual matters too. Ask him to explain a passage of Scripture or ask him to pray for you when you are going through a difficult time. If your husband is not the spiritual leader in your home, continue to pray for him and ask him if there is anything you are doing that is hindering his relationship with God.
Men don’t give a lot of weight to feelings—show them facts and they’ll be more likely to listen. For example: if he wants to buy a car that you think is too expensive, don’t launch into a hissy-fit, write out your monthly expenses and ask him what other things should be cut out in order to buy his car. Let the facts speak for you.
When you cannot reach an agreement, instead of trying to wear him down by nagging or crying say, “Is that your final decision or can I still try to convince you?” If it’s his final decision, then honor it. It’s freeing—let him carry the responsibility of your family.
Physically:
Physically ask what he would like you to do and then, do it. Find out what his top three needs are. Ron likes the laundry done, sex a least twice a week (guaranteed!) and he likes me to keep my “girly-make-up stuff” off of the bathroom counter. If these top needs are met, he’s content and easy to get along with. I know it sounds simple, but each of us have different things that make us feel loved and appreciated. You won’t know what he wants unless you ask him.
Be aware of your body language. You can communicate disrespect by rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, or slamming doors. Reflect your new decision to respect your husband in your heart, mind, and body.
Change your attitude and actions
Respect is both a verb and a noun: an action and an attitude so begin today to respect your husband in thought, word, and deed. He will be more willing and able to give you the love and affection you need if he is respected and admired. When I began to respect my husband, he was skeptical at first. However as he saw that I was committed to change, he began to treat me differently—lovingly. We now teach at couples’ events, helping others discover the blessings of true love in action.
Ask the Lord to strengthen you as you obey His word.
Remember:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
The above article is adapted from the great book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage, by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. This book was written by a woman who strayed to the other side of the marital fence — and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered, this book focuses on how to grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing six protective “hedges” around it. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.
Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.
EMAIL | SHARE | PRINT
Print This Page (printer-friendly)
and do your online shopping. 
(U.S.) I agree most of what above is a Crock and no doubt it written by a man… I took my vows forever. But, hell couldn’t be worse… My husband does not hit me but tortue comes in many ways. I bore two children into this world and married the 3rd, being the person I share a place with … not a Home. Have been together for 48 yrs. and had no physical contact in over 20 yrs. … not hand hold, nothing! Have had seperate rooms since 1989. Live now literally with a wall built in middle of house; he lives one side I live other.
He handles nothing. I have been bill struggler for all our yrs, he spends as feel want to. And the highest yr. pay through 45 yrs. was one year of 36,000. But, he had boats, trucks atv, go when he wants, and he’s left all the money problems for me… Has acted toward children as if they were never born. And me, as all esle. This just reminds me of how rotten he is.. And even God can’t respect him, and surely wouldn’t expect me to respect him either? I’m wondering why I stayed. No education, so had choice of struggle through or struggle alone with two kids. I know plenty of women have done that and made it. But, I still love him, WHY?
(USA) Your post is actually encouraging me to try harder and do it God’s way-submit to and respect my husband. God’s word, when applied to our everyday living, will without a doubt accomplish everything God said it would. I will pray for you and your last statement ‘I still love him’ is to me a glimmer of hope for you.
(USA) Betty, I’m sorry you find yourself in the circumstance you do. However, I have to take issue with your criticism that the article was written by a man, when it’s clearly cited that it was written by Nancy C Anderson. In the quote below is the description of it’s source and adaptation, not to mention the blog.
So might I suggest that you contact the author if you have any criticism or ask her how she was able to see her husband in a different fashion.
I see you looking at your husbands faults. I don’t doubt they are true. But I don’t see you focused on your own faults. You can’t fix his. But you can address yours, and sometimes, that’s the first step in a better relationship. Even after 48 years, I believe it can get better.
But not if you harbor bitterness and look only at the faults of another. -Tony
“The above article is adapted from the great book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage, by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. This book was written by a woman who strayed to the other side of the marital fence — and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered, this book focuses on how to grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing six protective “hedges” around it. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.
Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at http://www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at http://www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.”
(UNITED STATES) I agree with Lisa. I was with someone who I respected and cared for BEYOND your imagination and he treated SO badly. I even became physically ill. He emotionally and mentally abused me. Then after three years he came back realizing that he was wrong but guess what? He hurt me again. I had VERY low-self esteem because of him. He has hurt me so much.
It took me a while to get better. I still am working on myself. You can love your husband and give him some time but don’t do it to so much that you forgo your own needs and stop caring for yourself. I still care for him but I don’t love him like I used to. It’s funny because he MADE SURE to treat me in such a way that emotionally he would not allow me love him. I really wanted to give. I could have given him my very life but I still am so disappointed to realize that he even punished me for even thinking this way.
I do understand what this article is pointing out. If you guys have minor fights and arguments then please do try to understand your husband but also take care of yourself. Make sure to stay emotionally balanced. God Bless!
(UNITED STATES) To Betty: Betty I can feel your pain. Wow, you are a strong woman. I do agree with the person who responded that you must forgive. But I wonder why you are still with him? Maybe you could have filed for a peaceful divorce? OR you could have worked on your own goals. I know it is your life, but please take care of yourself.
My mother has been bitter about certain relatives in her past who hurt her A LOT. So the only way to HEAL is to forgive and then MOVE ON. Find better people. Sometimes it does takes years to move on, but getting back on your own two feet makes you a stronger person. Pray to God; take care of yourself, forgive the man, find someone else after divorcing him? lol.
Oh and one more thing Betty, now that I think about it perhaps you stayed because you felt you could have changed him? Or you thought it was your fault? OR you wanted to be loved by him BECAUSE you had felt that he was the ONE? OR he somehow resembles your parents? So there is some type of attachment you were wanting the kind you had with your parents? Maybe if you had moved on like you can right now then you could find something to do that you love that would fill that void.
I mean life is VERYYYYYY tough, but it is meant to mold us in such a way that towards the end of ur journey we to become more aware, which is a good thing. More aware means a better perception about ourselves and the world around us. Anyway, I am sorry for what you went through but I wish you had not waited so long. Take care!
(CHINA) I am not a Christian nor any other. But I do not rule out that there is no god. Anyway, great article up there. Although I am not married yet, it taught me a lot with being patient, and a goal in life to set. To build up my will power and to be able to stick with it. Great advice, seriously.
I do admire my boyfriend, but I do tend to verbally attack him quite often and it has come to the point where he feels disrespected by me instead of ‘taking advantage’ of it in a way. Anyway, I shall take the 1st step and start forgeting the words I use to label him and discomfort him. I hope it works soon though… sigh.
Its’ werid somehow, it just happens to be this one last one you want to be with, lacks the ability to understand things directly from what you say. Weird brains. Anyway, thanks!
(USA) Wow Lisa, it is not ungodly to leave an abuser. You must leave for the sake of children, yourself. Why do women think they need to suffer to be right with God? God already suffered for you! Leave and get on with your life; ask God’s forgiveness and guidance. Counseling helps very few people. God will help you. You will be so much happier, poorer, lonely – but that will change and the burden lifted will be great.
(ETHIOPIA) Someone please help. Last week my husband was so mad at me that he yelled because he says I do not respect him. On my part, if this has ever happened then it has been unintentional. He says I always like things to be done my way, where as I feel he never wants us to talk and come to a conclusion. I could ask him ‘what time do we leave tomorrow?’ and he will ask me ‘what time do you want to leave?’ and if i say five, that will be it. Am I wrong in such a case coz this happens a lot?
And somehow, my ideas always seem to work more that his. For instance, I came home from the maket to find he had arranged the baby’s room, but it was so crowded with no space. So I suggested how we should re-do the furniture and it worked perfectly. There’s enough room to move around and it’s beautiful, so is this also disrespect? Should I have just left it as unoperational as it was?
Another thing is that I like planning ahead, even if it’s just going to be a lazy weekend. Lets say, I could want to know, so what time will you be back from the garage coz we need to be at the X’s by 3 pm for tea, and I’ll also need to go to the salon? In essence, I wish to know such info so that I time myself and dash to the salon in the morning so that when he comes back from the garage, I am also home and we leave for the XX’s house. In answering, he will tell me, “I dont know what time I will get back, we will see.” This really agitates me coz I then don’t know how to programme myself and when I start even wondering if I’ll make it for the next appointment i just get so worked up and will be in a foul mood by the time he gets home, even if he does come back in good time.
He also says, his word is never final, and I’m left wondering, then where does the partnership come in? When am I suppossed to give my idea, or sugeestion or opinion? Which is at times the most workable? I’ve been praying to know him better and know how to respect him more, but since he hit the roof with it, I also feel distant from him somehow. Now I am now talking less lest I say or suggest something that will disrespect him. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT AM DOING WRONG!!!
(USA) I have always prayed that my wife would treat me like this. I have always lifted her up (and torn her down at times- of which I am very sorry and ashamed) but she never lifts me up. She has even gone to the extremes of telling friends and perfect strangers alike the time I have fallen, in detail. When I fell into porn, she told many people. When I drank, she told many people. She even told people I did business with!
Pray, as I do, that she will change soon. I have and am still working on myself but it’s hard when I’m considered a loser in her eyes.
(TANZANIA) My wife and I have been married three years. We don’t have kids yet. It’s a Christian marriage, but my wife is so selfish in her decisions, she does whatever she thinks. I got the report from others I don’t understand what to do. Help me.
(US) Hi, everyone I need some good advice. I have been struggling with my new husband for the past year and had our biggest fight yet. We just got married (having my parents disown me) from the start of our relationship. I have been losing respect for him a lot lately. I know men have stress in their lives but I feel he doesn’t take my feelings into consideration and because he is 8 years older than me he makes me feel like a child when he speaks to me. I still go to school full time graduating in 2 months, have full time work, cook him dinner, and have the house clean. I don’t know what I am doing wrong!
We just moved to a new area and haven’t found a good church yet and we have lost many friends lately due to some issues. He says sometimes I am on top of him all the time and I can’t tell if that’s me praising him too much or that I am around him too much? I mean I go into a room for like 3 hours after we say hi to each other when he comes home and I feel we barely spend time together and he disagrees and says he only ever spends time with me. I don’t care if he goes out with friends but he doesn’t. I want to respect him but lately with his rude comments I don’t feel like he deserves it. It makes me feel bad all the time for being me and doing everything I can to please him. I don’t know what to do anymore but pray