So might I suggest that you contact the author if you have any criticism or ask her how she was able to see her husband in a different fashion.

I see you looking at your husbands faults. I don’t doubt they are true. But I don’t see you focused on your own faults. You can’t fix his. But you can address yours, and sometimes, that’s the first step in a better relationship. Even after 48 years, I believe it can get better.

But not if you harbor bitterness and look only at the faults of another. -Tony

“The above article is adapted from the great book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage, by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. This book was written by a woman who strayed to the other side of the marital fence — and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered, this book focuses on how to grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing six protective “hedges” around it. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.

Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at http://www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at http://www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.”

He handles nothing. I have been bill struggler for all our yrs, he spends as feel want to. And the highest yr. pay through 45 yrs. was one year of 36,000. But, he had boats, trucks atv, go when he wants, and he’s left all the money problems for me… Has acted toward children as if they were never born. And me, as all esle. This just reminds me of how rotten he is.. And even God can’t respect him, and surely wouldn’t expect me to respect him either? I’m wondering why I stayed. No education, so had choice of struggle through or struggle alone with two kids. I know plenty of women have done that and made it. But, I still love him, WHY?

Four weeks ago, God reminded me of a time in our marriage when I searched my soul for an answer to this question: “Did you marry the wrong person in mistake or is this the person God has for you?” My answer at that time was a resounding YES, this is supposed to be my husband. God also reminded me of this scripture: I am the same yesterday, today and forever.

In the last four weeks, my “ex” husband has moved from the state we lived in as a couple to where I now live. He left his job and his parents and friends to come here. At first, I was so in awe of the working of God. Now I am numb. The reasons we divorced are still present; our character flaws. On top of that we have done so much to each other, so much pain.

But my major problem now is that I do not respect him…mentally or spiritually. I have a strong personality and he is a more quiet person so I dominate even unintentionally. He has recently started making demands and trying to take “headship” of my house. We are not remarried yet and I feel that he has no right to come in my home and try to demand anything. He is here b/c I want him to but not because I need him to be.

Now that I’ve vented, you can see I have no respect for him and he knows it too. I have got to find a way to respect him inspite of all we have been through, in spite of the pain, and in spite of my opinion of his character as a man. I’m glad I found this site that at least gives me people I can relate to.

I will struggle to gain this ground, but my back is breaking and I’m not sure where to turn. He is no longer using drugs and for that I am thankful. However it is now time to deal with LIFE and all the issues that are present. Please be in prayer over my family as my babies need us, together, happy, strong, committed, and loving. And Father, I pray your blessings over each and every one of these searching souls that they will find your peace and Lord please give us all wisdom as we line our wills up with your word. In Jesus Precious Holy Name, Amen.

From a spiritual perspective, by all means send the guy best wishes way AFTER you have looked after yourself and found a safe haven, and understood how you did this to yourself. You are in charge of your life. You have the answers. you and a loving God who wants the very best for you. He wants the best for your husband but you are not his Savior and staying there helping him is simply codependency, or hurting yourself.

Better to be in a battered women’s shelter than living with someone like this. Most of all, search and search and search to learn about YOU, and understand WHY HAVE YOU ATTRACTED A MAN LIKE THIS. I know. I have been there and the journey through this has been amazing. I belive that I am now a very loving person who forgives my stepfather, my husbands ( I was married more than once) but now have been married 23 years to a man who treats me wonderful.

I do not blame the man. I don’t blame anyone. I see that we are here for experience on earth to learn to love. But love begins with respect and love for yourself. Don’t sit and complain while you are allowing this to go on. You are a child of God, a divine being. No loving God wants this for his daughter, and you should not want it either. Leave with the knowledge and understanding that you will work on yourself to never attract this into your life again. You will have a lot of work to do to release your feelings and to learn to trust and to love again. The sooner the better.

Trust me, it’s not always the logical way that works in dealing with someone who is insecure and is trying to find their footing after losing a job! We’ve seen it time and again. Sometimes they hide and/or do foolish things that make no sense. It helps to know this better when trying to deal with it.

Beyond that however, it seems that your husband has some additional issues that need to be dealt with concerning money matters (however, this may or may not be the time to tackle those issues until the job issue is better resolved).

Even so, I would recommend you go into the “Marriage and Finances” section of our web site and read whatever might help you. You might go into the “Links” part of that section and go to the Crown.org link and read through their web site to see what they might have that could help you. They changed their web site a bit so it isn’t as user-friendly as it once was, but if you’re persistent, you can find stuff.

They have an “Articles” section on the top of the Home Page that you could find useful in reading what you might do about your husband’s control issues concerning money. There are a lot of layers of reasons why your husband is doing what he is doing and it would be good to look into them before you confront your husband further on these matters (which NEEDS to eventually be done).

You might also go into the “Communication and Conflict” section to read articles concerning how you can get through to men in a way they best receive it without slamming their ears shut. It’s the result you want instead of doing things like you THINK they should be done, right? I found that I had to change my approach after learning what I did and when I did… it dramatically changed the result for the positive.

I hope this helps. My heart and prayers go out to and for you.

Also, while I definitely agree that you often have to give something to get something, and setting the tone/taking the lead can work, it won’t always. Try it, but after a while if it just leads to him walking all over you, realize that he just might not deserve your respect. Not everyone does. (I mean, they deserve a certain level of respect just for being human- not to be abused, etc.- but you know what I mean.)

As other posters have said, sometimes it just makes you more submissive and lets your husband take further advantage of your passivity and willingness to sacrifice. If you’re doing all the work to save your marriage, for years at a time, you must ask yourself is it really worth it? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.

If only one of you is willing to work on it, what kind of a marriage is that? It’s supposed to be a partnership that involves compromise but ultimately improves each other’s lives greatly. If it’s continually not living up to that, maybe it’s a marriage only in your mind. I believe in marriage, but if one partner continually shows by their actions that they do not- what good is it?

Someone, please tell me how that is being a loving Christian husband, and how in the world do I respect someone who WANTS us on the streets? He informed me he will use all the savings and retirement to go chase his dream in network marketing, and that 1 Tim 5:8 does not apply to him. He also has to make ALL decisions and he spends all the money without consulting me on any of it. Seriously….what do I do?

HE ALSO SAYS I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM ANYMORE. THIS MAY BE BECAUSE I RESENT HIM FOR BETRAYING ME, FOR LYING WHEN ITS UNNECESSARY… I JUST FIND IT DIFFICULT TO GIVE MY ALL TO HIM AGAIN AFTER ALL THIS.

Affairs are bred on the other person feeding the individual exactly what they feel they are missing at home. Your husband brings home the wrong type of bread and you go OFF sorta like… "I said wheat bread; you don’t listen… you never do what I ask you to do" and on and on it goes.

But the "other woman" says thank you so much for getting this for me baby…it wasn’t what I needed but I will manage. I really appreciate you stopping and picking this up. She still let him know that what he got was wrong, but she honored his act even if the outcome was not favorable. So, why not throw everything you can into the relationship and go down swinging? If you must. But it’s worth a try ladies. There is NOTHING on the other side of the fence -I looked.

I think that we need to be separated for a while because I am so unhappy. I even try to get in early from work so that I can have some time at home to myself before he gets in from work, just to be happy alone. I am desperate for advice please.

But after you wake up in the middle of the night being strangled to the point of passing out, and having only half the hair you had when you went to sleep, and a cut eye, and a broken thyroid/bone into your trachea and cough for 6 months straight and can’t sing or talk right a year later and he tells you you are throwing it in his face if you mention how it hurts!

And you are to FORGIVE HIM, the church says! And you ARE TO RESPECT HIM, Church and BIBLE SAYS! AND UNCONDITIONALLY!!! NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES SAYS ETC… and he is to be head of home, step kids etc… that he admits he doesn’t even like!! That they are my responsibility. That he would have loved to take their mother from them easily as not!!!

THEN AS FAR AS COMPLIMENTS ON THE GARAGE -every dime you worked for to put tools in the garage he leaves in the grass, and won’t put them back or help you and has no idea how to organize anything or help you when you are deathly ill. In fact he tries to make it worse– Let’s get the video "LOVE ‘n RESPECT" and take it out of context and throw it in MY FACE that I don’t respect him.

I ask him to earn back the respect that I gave him the choice to try. It doesn’t mean I forgot, and I quit sleeping (accidentally) with my hands by my throat nightly! Tell me? Compliments will make that man alright! It makes him a monster. He takes them and runs with them. He is bigger and badder and I am smaller and weaker in his eyes.

I don’t see that being unloving is a good thing, but being false is not good either. And false respect and false (lies) to puff him up to make him feel more like a man he hasn’t been to make him one he should be is not the way to go!

So the respect for my husband was hard. So I Googled “respect” and found this and I pray this is what I have been looking for. Thank-you and GOD BLESS!!

I have been trying to find out what it means to respect him because I know the Lord requires me to do so and I want to follow what the Lord wants. I was desperate and I googled respecting my husband and found your site. I will try your suggestions and believe God to turn our marriage around. Thank You so much!

Thank you.