Sometimes we come across a message that is very powerful yet we hesitate to deliver it because we know it can be misunderstood by some of you. This is one of those types of messages. God has laid it upon our hearts to let you read what author Gary Thomas has said. But before we deliver it we want to post a disclaimer (that we feel the Lord has also given us to say). We’re going to be talking about responding to your spouse in the right way when they have hurt you.

By this we don’t mean if you’re getting physically or emotionally beaten up by your spouse — when their insults are actually abusive, you’re supposed to just stand there and take it meekly. In those types of cases you need to find ways to protect yourself without being abusive in return.

Respectfully defending oneself and/or removing yourself from the room, is called for in those types of cases. But we always have to keep in mind when we’re disagreeing with our spouse how God would want us to act when we’re offended.

The following comes from the EXCELLENT book titled, Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas, www.zondervan.com. It’s actually written to women to help them to know “what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants.” We can’t say enough good about this book. The following is a short excerpt which actually applies to both husbands and wives. It’s great advice for ALL of us to apply to our lives. He writes:

My children must grow weary of hearing me say, “Your greatest temptation to sin is when someone first sins against you. But THEIR sin never justifies YOUR sin.”

This is as true for spouses as it is for siblings. Fighting your mate’s irresponsibility with irresponsibility of your own is like pouring gasoline on a fire; it just makes things that much more explosive, that much worse. The Bible recommends a more subversive approach: let love conquer evil; let responsibility shame irresponsibility.

It’s a spiritual fact that kindness kills wickedness far more effectively than nagging, complaining, or disrespect. Remember, God won us with grace when we were his rebellious enemies. He doesn’t ask anything of you that he hasn’t already done himself. And this same God says that we are responsible to love, even in the face of another’s irresponsibility.

Peter wrote, “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9). Did you catch that? We’re called to respond to evil with blessing. It’s not human nature to be sinned against and think, “How can I bless this person who just hurt me?” But such a spiritually powerful practice yields very effective results. Regardless of how anyone else acts, we’re still accountable before God for our response.

Paul elaborates on this in his letter to the believers in Rome: “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse” (Romans 12:14). He then quotes from Proverbs: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head” (Romans 12:20; see Proverbs 25:21-22). Jesus said essentially the same thing: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:44-45).

The Bible is amazingly relevant and practical for married people! It’s not a “pie in the sky” kind of book that pretends no one will ever hurt us or sin against us. On the contrary, it promises us that we will be hurt and wronged and then gives very specific and practical advice to help us respond appropriately. We bless those who hurt us. We feed those who make themselves our enemies. And over time, such a practice usually succeeds far more in prompting redemptive change than does arguing, complaining, gossiping, or threatening divorce.

In the ugliness of trying situations, the beauty of responsibility shines brighter than ever.

Even if this approach proves ineffective, however, it’s what God calls us to as Christians, and that’s of paramount importance. I love Linda Dillow’s take on this:

“I cannot promise you that if you respond with a blessing when you’re hurt or wounded, your husband [or wife] will change. I cannot promise you a life of happiness and personal fulfillment, but I can promise you that you are living according to your purpose and calling as a Christian; you are obeying the will of God and there is peace in obedience. The first reason you are to respond this way is not so that you can secure a hoped-for change in your mate, but because it is God’s desire that you make this kind of response.”

When I respond according to God’s plan, even if the person who sinned against me doesn’t change, I’ll change. It’s a victory either way. When I respond out of spite, repaying evil for evil, two things usually happen, both negative: the situation gets worse; and I become more bitter, more resentful, and less like Christ.

The brilliance of Christianity is that God can grow you in an unhealthy marriage as well as in a healthy marriage. He can shape you in prosperity or need, in comfort or stress, in intimacy or loneliness. And intimacy with him is the most precious reward any of us can every know or experience.

Just as we build our muscles little by little, lifting a bit more weight every other day, so the beauty of responsibility evolves gradually, built up by the tiny, seemingly insignificant decisions we make week by week.

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We hope Gary’s words may have created some “A-ha” moments for you today. We believe we ALL can relate to times when we responded in a hurtful or inappropriate way during an argument or disagreement with our spouse. We pray this message may serve as tools to help us all begin to respond in ways that honor God and strengthen our marriages. 

Please know that our prayers are with you this week as together we work to Put the Heart of Christ Back into Marriage!

Cindy and Steve Wright