We have asked some of the couples whose marriages were once in crisis and who now serve with us in ministry what they would say to you if they were sitting across the table from you having coffee. Here is what each couple shared.
From: Mark and Debbie
To: The person trying to save a marriage alone
I (Debbie) want to say that if you are working on your marriage with an unwilling spouse, you must not underestimate the power that you have with God by your side. If your spouse is in sin, you don’t need to be his or her judge and jury. When I didn’t want to save our marriage, Mark had to learn to get out of the way so that God could convict me of my hard heart. Learn to entrust your spouse to God and take care of your own side of the street. Your relationship with your spouse will never be as important as your relationship with God. The truth is, you are not going to heaven with your spouse by your side —you will stand before God on your own.
I (Mark) want to encourage you to pray without ceasing —it is the most powerful weapon you have! So many people forget that, and they get busy trying to play god in their spouses’ lives. I had to learn to entrust Debbie to God, even when I knew she was walking outside of God’s will. If you will reconcile with God first and do what He tells you to do, then when your spouse repents, you will be ready to reconcile. If your spouse never comes on board, then at least you will be able to move on knowing that you did your part.
From: Marion and Jeanne
To: The couple whose marriage is in crisis
We have been married 45 years, but there was a time when we thought our marriage would end in divorce. Even though we were Christians, you would have never known it by the way we behaved toward each other. I (Jeanne) used to secretly wish I could be a “godly widow” so I wouldn’t have to deal with our marital problems anymore. But God had other plans for us. Instead He wanted us to learn to take our focus off each other and put it where it belonged —on Him.
Jeanne and I (Marion) were married 10 years and served in our church when our marriage fell into crisis. Neither one of us wanted to work very hard to save the marriage, but because we were Christians we felt that we at least needed to give it a shot. We want to encourage you as a couple to learn to pray together —from your hearts. A counselor taught us how to pray as a couple, and even though in the beginning we used the prayers to give little digs to each other, God used our prayers to reveal years of unresolved issues in our hearts. We never miss a day without praying with and for each other. We are praying for you too.
From: Clint and Penny
To: The couple or individual whose marriage looks hopeless
Nothing is impossible with God. We are grateful that God gave us a second chance when we remarried after being divorced for 11 years. But that wasn’t just something special He reserved for our marriage. As long as your spouse has not remarried, your marriage can still be saved. No matter how hopeless things might seem, stay focused on God and let Him lead you.
Think of your marriage as you would an invitation to a sacred dance with God. What is required on your part is to accept His invitation, take His hand, and let Him lead you out onto the dance floor. There you will apply the steps you’ve been practicing along the way. Sure, some steps will be much harder to take than others. That’s to be expected. There are stumbling blocks in every relationship and there will be times it seems that for every mountaintop you dance on, a valley awaits on the other side.
But remember that no matter how hampered your steps become, do not hesitate for a moment to listen to the music and follow God’s lead in whatever process He uses to mend your marriage. Keep dancing …and know that we’ll be dancing right beside you.
The above testimonies (along with a lot of other helpful information) can be found in the book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, by Joe and Michelle Williams, published by Tyndale House Publishers. This is a Focus on the Family book which gives “12 Truths for Rescuing Your Relationship.”
Joe and Michelle Williams know first hand about saving a marriage —because theirs was saved. They were separated in 1987 (and close to divorce). As they say, “We were angry and confused. We were also left wondering where the ‘church’ was in our seemingly hopeless situation. Because we’d both experienced marriage and divorce in our pasts before we became committed Christians, we were determined to figure out a way to deal with our problems and avoid yet another failed marriage.” That started their search for resources and a healthy support system to help them.
Since that time, they have reconciled, rebuilt their marital relationship and co-founded the International Center for Reconciling God’s Way, Inc. and eventually went into ministry full time. The book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, is a book that has developed as a result of the principles God has taught them —that they share with others. It’s a great resource! Preview or buy this book now.
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(SOUTH AFRICA) I just want to thank you for including "Clint and Penny" testimony. I too have been divorced going 5 years but 2 and a half years ago I read in the commentries of my Life Application Bible in Matthew 9:23-27 that Jesus can even heal and restore broken marriages. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I’ve been led into earnest intercession for the salvation of my exhusband and felt the special annointing when called to stand in the gap for him. I’m also under the understanding the the Holy Spirit illuminated this piece for me to show me my Abba Father’s heart. Never did I know it could be possible: My God would want to do such a beautiful thing for us? Clint and Penny’s story touched me deeply as I have not remarried, still experiencing deep grieving for my failed marriage. My exhusband has a woman living with him currently. I’m aware circumstances are not aligned but I know with God nothing is impossible. The desire to return and keep my promises not my own. God has taught me much as I sit at His feet reading His Word. Thank you for placing this on the site. May God continue to bless your ministry and lives.
(USA) I’m a bit confused as to why in one sentence Clint and Penny profess that nothing is impossible for God and that no situation is hopeless, but then in the next sentence they say " as long as your spouse has not remarried God can restore your marriage" Marriages that are birthed out of adultery are NEVER sanctioned by God. And God is never limited by our sin nor does he cosign to adulterous marriages.
There are so many scriptures where Jesus says that a second marriage is adultery (in the case of sexual immorality). Also, in the book of Ezra, God commanded (not requested) that over 100 priests divorce their foreign wives and return to their "covenant" wives. Not to mention all of the prodigals that went off to get into adulterous marriages, who by the mercy of our Lord their eyes where opened. They ALL admitted that they knew God would never bless those marriages. (Please see Marriage and Divorce web site-Stephen Wilcox.)
They had no peace and the guilt and shame was so overwhelming that they could no longer deny that it was the Holy Spirit convicting them for being in those ungodly marriages. It wasn’t until they returned to their covenant spouses that their relationships were restored to God. There will be no adulterers in heaven!!
If they (Clint and Penny) are referencing Deuteronomy 24, that is when folks were under the law. We are now under grace thanks to our Lord Jesus Christ. Marriage is permanent and God will not be moved by our feelings.
I would like to quickly share a profound dream a prodigal had. Mr. Doe had left his wife for someone else and married that person. A couple of years later God gave him this dream. "He said that he was in church and he noticed his first wife and his son sitting on the other side of the church. Suddenly a loud and thunderous voice said (he knew it was God) "why aren’t you over there with your WIFE and son? Remember he had remarried and it surely wasn’t the other woman in that dream. Well, folks that is how God sees it – not us….Thank you for allowing me to share.
(USA) Coop, I want to thank you for your comments. This is certainly a divine connection that I stumbled upon this site this morning searching for scriptures of healing. After nearly 10 years of marriage my husband decided he wanted a divorce. The divorce has been final for one year and 3 months. I learned Saturday that he had remarried and my heart sank. Through my hurt I know there is nothing too hard for God and I know God does not honor that marriage. I am holding on to the promise God gave me to reconcile this marriage.
I am sorry for the woman he has place in this situation and I pray for her healing. The writing is on the wall that he needs a closer walk with God. Although he is proclaiming that God is calling him to be a minister, clearly his actions are not in alignment with God for such a task. But through all of the pain and heart ache, I am thankful to God because He didn’t let me die when I thought I would. I became so sick and lost such a large amount of weight. I have repented to God for not honoring Him as I should have through my marriage and God has brought me to become an intercessor of prayer. God uses people, circumstances, animals, etc. to allow testing, to stretch our faith. I know the blessing of restoration is on the way.
I remember in Daniel when the angel told him that his prayer was answered when he said it. It took 21 days for the fighting angels with the help of arche angel Michael to get the blessing to Daniel. I will trust in the word of God and wait for the manifestation.
(USA) Amen!!! I’m standing with you in Faith on this and I ask you to stand with me in Faith for my marriage and my husband also.
(US) Hi Coop. That message to the preacher was pretty deep and it just goes to show that God is alive and well and the Christian marriage is holy to him. He doesn’t take it lightly when someone sins, and wrongfully leaves the marriage. Thanks for sharing that. God bless!
(UNITED STATES) It says in the Bible that we are free if our spouse has committed adultery, or if we are married to someone who is unevenly yoked (non believer). We aren’t going to hell for a second marriage. We shouldn’t judge anyone for trying to save a second marriage. The marriage is also doomed for abuse. Jesus gave us strict rules of how we are to act when we get married, and that also applies to second, third and so on. Each marriage is holy.
(USA) De De, I don’t think scriptures releases someone married to an unbeliever.
In 1 Corinthians "10To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? "
The believing spouse is never given the OK to choose to divorce an unbelieving spouse. I think if they go, we are to let them go, and we are not bound. However, I don’t think we as believers are called to divorce anyone.
I would give the same advice to the abused or betrayed. Go to safety, but don’t choose divorce if you are a believer. If the offending spouse wants to end the marriage, there is little you can do to stop it. But don’t choose divorce.
As an aside, what good does no-fault divorce do? I hear abuse being cited as the reason we need no-fault divorce.
We don’t need NFD to deal with abuse. We need folks who will stand up and tell the community that this person is an abuser. NFD doesn’t do that. If they will not end their abusive behavior, divorce is not what you need to give them, but some time in jail until they learn to behave in a more appropriate manner.
NFD is a co-out. If a person is behaving badly, and won’t stop, prosecute them, don’t just divorce them so that someone else ends up with the abuser.
(UNITED STATES) I agree with you Tony. But by the same token, I think we are over looking something that was also written in those same scriptures…that was not the Lord speaking…
Look at what is in parenthesis:
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? "……..
That is not the lord speaking…that is Paul, who never married …and given by his remarks embedded in between what the Lord is saying throughout that whole chapter on marriage…he does not favor marriage in the first place; because he wants to serve the lord with no wife or children to interfere with his focus. He wants to be alone. Paul acknowledges what he said shown here and what the Lord said in 1 Corinthians 10-11….my husband is trying to use this same scripture as a way to divorce me.
(USA) The second or more marriage is a hot debate. There is no scripture that really allows for second or more marriages. I think there is forgiveness if you have already done such sins but if you leave your spouse for someone else and they are praying for you to return or if you marry someone who has someone praying for them to return that marriage you entered into is not holy nor will it ever be. That is a lie from the devil that once a divorce and another marriage is on paper that that new marriage is God’s desire.
Only if both parties have forsaken their marriage and remarried does the covenant completely break and even then that is debatable because there is no clear scripture to back that theory. The escape clause of adultery is widely misused. This refers to the engagement period of Jews. If adultery happens in that engagement period it allows for divorce but even then Jesus goes back to the creation example. Mark and Luke both leave out this exception clause.
Also, even still with the exception clause there is no mention of allowed for the divorced to remarry. Paul says a divorced women is to stay unmarried or to be reconciled to her husband. God knows there are times when we must separate such as for safety reasons and due to our lack of knowledge we may make many mistakes before we understand these principles. That’s where grace comes in. The Bible also says to forgive someone over and over and over. I don’t personally believe there is a reason for a divorce because God is expecting us to learn to forgive over and over and over.
(USA) God permits divorce in cases of adultery. Deuteronomy 24 says if a man writes a certificate of divorce and his former wife remarries and the new husband dies the first husband is not to remarry his former wife (this is a paraphrase). So once either of them marries someone else, no way should you remarry your first spouse.
(US) I am hurt. My husband and I have been separated for 1 year, and he has filed for divorce. He stepped out of the marriage, and does not want to work on our marriage. He will not talk to me and he is not nice at all. How do I hold on and stand for my marriage when he does not want the marriage?
(USA) Denise, You pray! Stand on the scriptures. Seek God’s face. There is nothing too hard for God. I keep myself encouraged by reading and applying God’s word to my life. Find a christian counselor to help you through this difficult time. It is very hard but God is with you always.
(FJ) Denise, I know how you feel as I went through the same pain that you are going thru. Only thing for you to do now is pray and have faith. What God has joined together, let no man separate. Look for a prayer partner and pray with her and cry out onto the Lord and pour out your problem to Him, and forgive your husband for what he is doing to you because GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN YOU, THAN HE IS IN THE WORLD. The devil is a liar and a deceiver. In Romans, if God is for us who can be against us? It is my prayer that your marriage is restored and you find happiness with our Maker and Saviour of all our iniquities, the Lord Jesus Christ.
(USA) I have my own situation and in need of help. I recently learned my wife has been unfaithful to me, but by my own blind doing. I neglected her and she shought that emotional bond with someone else. Here I thought everything was okay and it wasn’t. We are both Christians and I have asked God to forgive me, but this has been an issue before and I haven’t changed. I’ve never cheated on her, except “emotional” cheating i.e. putting other things in front of her. I starved her and she found it somewhere else.
She says she loves me but is no longer in love with me and wants to be with this other person. I understand I am to blame, but I also don’t want her living in sin. I really don’t want a divorce and I do love her, I was just sooo stupid in my ways; she doesn’t feel that things will change with us or I will change and wants out cause this other man says he will take care of her. What am I to do? I have been going through this heart break and trying to put it in God’s hands but I will admit it’s hard.
(NIGERIA) I have just come in contact with this great site and all the comments so far and the advice is wonderful… Please, I have a challenge also in my relationship/marriage and I guess I need advice also… I am in a marriage for a year now and am pregnant from my husband… Suddenly things became tight for him that we even find it difficult to eat. The little job I am doing, the take home is very small, which of course, I am thankful to God for. I know it is his blessings that makes riches and adds no sorrow…
Because of this hardship, my husband could not pay his house bill and the Landlady issued a quit notice for us to leave the flat. Instead of my husband encouraging me, I do it and yet he is not satisfied with my effort and input… He said he wanted to travel for business and came home and everything about him changed. I am carrying his baby and am about 7 months into my pregnancy… I don’t know what to do. Please advise me… thanks so much. I am looking forward to a favourable reply and answer…. With lv Anita
(USA) Anita, how I love your name — that was my mom’s name. I’m so sorry you are having problems in your marriage so soon — especially with a baby on the way… this should be the most exciting time of your lives together — a time to “build a safe haven” for your little one. But life has a way of throwing us curve balls and when that happens it’s important to do the best you can to react in the healthiest way possible.
As far as what could be happening with your husband, I talked to my husband and he agreed with the following thoughts as to what his thinking process could be. You’ll need to pray to ask God if what I perceive is true. There may be a lot behind the scenes that I don’t know — that could make a difference.
I believe your husband started out thinking marriage wouldn’t be as difficult as it has become. He got caught up in the dream but eventually reality took a big bite out of his dream. He really thought that finances wouldn’t be as much of an issue as they are. Often, a man feels like a loser if he perceives that he’s not able to be a good provider. Instead of reacting in a good way, men often take this kind of thing so personally that they don’t know what to do with their toxic thoughts and so they look for ways to turn around, escape and hide from that which makes them feel defeated. Women, on the other hand, often react differently. A man will push his partner away and a woman will try to draw closer. All of this brings problems.
I BELIEVE the best thing you can do is to try to keep assuring your husband that while things are tough, you believe in him as a husband and believe things will get better. Keep praying, believing and try not to take your husband’s defeatism so personally. Hopefully, he will eventually work this thing out within his mind and actions, but it may not be overnight. Just do all you can to make finances work and don’t allow yourself to lose hope that things will get better. Look for ways to bless your husband and to find blessings behind every cloud.
When the baby is born, try to find ways to make your husband still feel important to you. He might also be struggling with what this baby will do in his standings with you. Men often go through that. Love and care for your baby, but don’t neglect your husband. Ask God for the insight how to do this. It will take intentionality.
This is grow-up time and it will take all of the strength of character possible to get through this situation. Prayerfully, this is just a tough season and with positive intentionality and prayer and answer to prayer, you WILL get through this and will be all the stronger for it. I pray God will abundantly bless your every effort and will light your path as you go along. The name “Anita” means grace and favor. I pray God will give you grace and favor and help you to live out your name. Blessings.