We have asked some of the couples whose marriages were once in crisis and who now serve with us in ministry what they would say to you if they were sitting across the table from you having coffee. Here is what each couple shared.
From: Mark and Debbie
To: The person trying to save a marriage alone
I (Debbie) want to say that if you are working on your marriage with an unwilling spouse, you must not underestimate the power that you have with God by your side. If your spouse is in sin, you don’t need to be his or her judge and jury. When I didn’t want to save our marriage, Mark had to learn to get out of the way so that God could convict me of my hard heart. Learn to entrust your spouse to God and take care of your own side of the street. Your relationship with your spouse will never be as important as your relationship with God. The truth is, you are not going to heaven with your spouse by your side —you will stand before God on your own.
I (Mark) want to encourage you to pray without ceasing —it is the most powerful weapon you have! So many people forget that, and they get busy trying to play god in their spouses’ lives. I had to learn to entrust Debbie to God, even when I knew she was walking outside of God’s will. If you will reconcile with God first and do what He tells you to do, then when your spouse repents, you will be ready to reconcile. If your spouse never comes on board, then at least you will be able to move on knowing that you did your part.
From: Marion and Jeanne
To: The couple whose marriage is in crisis
We have been married 45 years, but there was a time when we thought our marriage would end in divorce. Even though we were Christians, you would have never known it by the way we behaved toward each other. I (Jeanne) used to secretly wish I could be a “godly widow” so I wouldn’t have to deal with our marital problems anymore. But God had other plans for us. Instead He wanted us to learn to take our focus off each other and put it where it belonged —on Him.
Jeanne and I (Marion) were married 10 years and served in our church when our marriage fell into crisis. Neither one of us wanted to work very hard to save the marriage, but because we were Christians we felt that we at least needed to give it a shot. We want to encourage you as a couple to learn to pray together —from your hearts. A counselor taught us how to pray as a couple, and even though in the beginning we used the prayers to give little digs to each other, God used our prayers to reveal years of unresolved issues in our hearts. We never miss a day without praying with and for each other. We are praying for you too.
From: Clint and Penny
To: The couple or individual whose marriage looks hopeless
Nothing is impossible with God. We are grateful that God gave us a second chance when we remarried after being divorced for 11 years. But that wasn’t just something special He reserved for our marriage. As long as your spouse has not remarried, your marriage can still be saved. No matter how hopeless things might seem, stay focused on God and let Him lead you.
Think of your marriage as you would an invitation to a sacred dance with God. What is required on your part is to accept His invitation, take His hand, and let Him lead you out onto the dance floor. There you will apply the steps you’ve been practicing along the way. Sure, some steps will be much harder to take than others. That’s to be expected. There are stumbling blocks in every relationship and there will be times it seems that for every mountaintop you dance on, a valley awaits on the other side.
But remember that no matter how hampered your steps become, do not hesitate for a moment to listen to the music and follow God’s lead in whatever process He uses to mend your marriage. Keep dancing …and know that we’ll be dancing right beside you.
The above testimonies (along with a lot of other helpful information) can be found in the book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, by Joe and Michelle Williams, published by Tyndale House Publishers. This is a Focus on the Family book which gives “12 Truths for Rescuing Your Relationship.”
Joe and Michelle Williams know first hand about saving a marriage —because theirs was saved. They were separated in 1987 (and close to divorce). As they say, “We were angry and confused. We were also left wondering where the ‘church’ was in our seemingly hopeless situation. Because we’d both experienced marriage and divorce in our pasts before we became committed Christians, we were determined to figure out a way to deal with our problems and avoid yet another failed marriage.” That started their search for resources and a healthy support system to help them.
Since that time, they have reconciled, rebuilt their marital relationship and co-founded the International Center for Reconciling God’s Way, Inc. and eventually went into ministry full time. The book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, is a book that has developed as a result of the principles God has taught them —that they share with others. It’s a great resource! Preview or buy this book now.
Email This Page
5 comments so far ↓
1 Nikki // Jan 24, 2008 at 7:16 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) I just want to thank you for including "Clint and Penny" testimony. I too have been divorced going 5 years but 2 and a half years ago I read in the commentries of my Life Application Bible in Matthew 9:23-27 that Jesus can even heal and restore broken marriages. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I’ve been led into earnest intercession for the salvation of my exhusband and felt the special annointing when called to stand in the gap for him. I’m also under the understanding the the Holy Spirit illuminated this piece for me to show me my Abba Father’s heart. Never did I know it could be possible: My God would want to do such a beautiful thing for us? Clint and Penny’s story touched me deeply as I have not remarried, still experiencing deep grieving for my failed marriage. My exhusband has a woman living with him currently. I’m aware circumstances are not aligned but I know with God nothing is impossible. The desire to return and keep my promises not my own. God has taught me much as I sit at His feet reading His Word. Thank you for placing this on the site. May God continue to bless your ministry and lives.
2 COOP // Mar 21, 2008 at 3:43 pm
(USA) I’m a bit confused as to why in one sentence Clint and Penny profess that nothing is impossible for God and that no situation is hopeless, but then in the next sentence they say " as long as your spouse has not remarried God can restore your marriage" Marriages that are birthed out of adultery are NEVER sanctioned by God. And God is never limited by our sin nor does he cosign to adulterous marriages.
There are so many scriptures where Jesus says that a second marriage is adultery (in the case of sexual immorality). Also, in the book of Ezra, God commanded (not requested) that over 100 priests divorce their foreign wives and return to their "covenant" wives. Not to mention all of the prodigals that went off to get into adulterous marriages, who by the mercy of our Lord their eyes where opened. They ALL admitted that they knew God would never bless those marriages. (Please see Marriage and Divorce web site-Stephen Wilcox.)
They had no peace and the guilt and shame was so overwhelming that they could no longer deny that it was the Holy Spirit convicting them for being in those ungodly marriages. It wasn’t until they returned to their covenant spouses that their relationships were restored to God. There will be no adulterers in heaven!!
If they (Clint and Penny) are referencing Deuteronomy 24, that is when folks were under the law. We are now under grace thanks to our Lord Jesus Christ. Marriage is permanent and God will not be moved by our feelings.
I would like to quickly share a profound dream a prodigal had. Mr. Doe had left his wife for someone else and married that person. A couple of years later God gave him this dream. "He said that he was in church and he noticed his first wife and his son sitting on the other side of the church. Suddenly a loud and thunderous voice said (he knew it was God) "why aren’t you over there with your WIFE and son? Remember he had remarried and it surely wasn’t the other woman in that dream. Well, folks that is how God sees it - not us….Thank you for allowing me to share.
3 Laketa // Jul 9, 2008 at 9:51 pm
(US) Hi Coop. That message to the preacher was pretty deep and it just goes to show that God is alive and well and the Christian marriage is holy to him. He doesn’t take it lightly when someone sins, and wrongfully leaves the marriage. Thanks for sharing that. God bless!
4 De De // Aug 7, 2008 at 3:19 pm
(UNITED STATES) It says in the Bible that we are free if our spouse has committed adultery, or if we are married to someone who is unevenly yoked (non believer). We aren’t going to hell for a second marriage. We shouldn’t judge anyone for trying to save a second marriage. The marriage is also doomed for abuse. Jesus gave us strict rules of how we are to act when we get married, and that also applies to second, third and so on. Each marriage is holy.
5 Tony // Aug 15, 2008 at 11:22 am
(USA) De De, I don’t think scriptures releases someone married to an unbeliever.
In 1 Corinthians "10To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? "
The believing spouse is never given the OK to choose to divorce an unbelieving spouse. I think if they go, we are to let them go, and we are not bound. However, I don’t think we as believers are called to divorce anyone.
I would give the same advice to the abused or betrayed. Go to safety, but don’t choose divorce if you are a believer. If the offending spouse wants to end the marriage, there is little you can do to stop it. But don’t choose divorce.
As an aside, what good does no-fault divorce do? I hear abuse being cited as the reason we need no-fault divorce.
We don’t need NFD to deal with abuse. We need folks who will stand up and tell the community that this person is an abuser. NFD doesn’t do that. If they will not end their abusive behavior, divorce is not what you need to give them, but some time in jail until they learn to behave in a more appropriate manner.
NFD is a co-out. If a person is behaving badly, and won’t stop, prosecute them, don’t just divorce them so that someone else ends up with the abuser.
Join the Discussion!