“I have to warn you about something. There can come a point in any marriage when you get fed up. You’ve lost patience with waiting to see some kind of change in your spouse. You’ve forgiven again and again and you’re weary of the struggle. You’re through with trying to make things better. You’re tired of being hurt over and over and waiting for a breakthrough that never comes.
“The years have taken their toll, and you subconsciously (or consciously) decide you are not going to try anymore. You no longer feel love for your husband (wife) the way you did, and you don’t even care about getting it back.
“This can happen in any marriage where one spouse is working to make things better and the other isn’t trying at all. Your heart can grow cold and hard like a stone, and it will seem as if the love you once had has dies. But the good news is that God has the power to completely turn things around. He is the God of miracles and restoration who makes all things new. Jesus —the ultimate source of resurrection power —can resurrect love that has died and soften your heart toward your spouse. He can bring your marriage to life again.” (Stormie Omartian, from “Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage”)
The following are “Real Life” testimonies from people who have fought to save their marriages who have experienced God’s special touch and provision in their lives, marriages and circumstances. We believe you will be encouraged and find hope for yourself through reading them.
If God has done a special work in your marriage that could encourage others, we want to hear from you. Please share your testimony with us by going to the CONTACT section and clicking on “Contact Us.”
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(SOUTH AFRICA) I’ve been married for almost 2 years and have a 18 month old son. My wife and I have been through a lot of changes in this short space of time and we’ve been under a lot of pressure, be it seeing to our son (whom has been ill a lot), work (demanding), Health (Exhausted and overworked) all the time, etc.
I’ve really been moved by this site and the information is so well put down, I realised I lack a lot in my marriage and I feel like I’ve reached the end of my rope. We’ve been for counselling before and still no change has come to our distant relationship. We have not been intimate in months and just about a week ago she told me "I hate you, you swine. You selfish and only think of yourself, I hate you!"
These words has been playing in my mind over and over again, never has she told me she loves me with so much meaning, with so much intensity. I felt like my world has fallen apart and that moment but I pulled myself together and acted as though I was not hurt by what she had said. We left home and went to a family reunion that day as though nothing had happened. I don’t know what to do or say.
I try to help wherever I can, I can truly say that I sacrifice as much as I can for my family, I see to them before I think of myself. My wife sometimes says I don’t think of her feelings and her wants. She says I always spoil things cause I always have to be analytical and so to details with everything that I make her angry.
She gets upset for not having her way but If I can’t have mine she gets upset with me, she can become very domineering and I always feel like less of a priority for her. She depends more on her dad and her mum than me for everything.
Maybe I’m not seeing to her emotional needs, I’m not sure what to do next. She’s been depressed before and blamed me for her state, she’s constantly moody and I guess it’s because of her lack of sleep (she sees to our son at night). I help where I can as well, however I try to make things easier for her by taking care of house chores, taking care of my son while she naps etc, but still there’s no end the this endless battle.
It kills me that I’m causing pain to someone that I love so deeply. How do we move on after this was said? I asked her again if she hates me that much and her reponse " I was angry and had to vent my anger, I never meant what I said, I just had to say something". It’s eating away at me and I love her, I just cannot believe that she’s that unhappy with me. Please help, Please.
(ZIMBABWE) Thank you so much on testimonies, I really enjoy this part. Guys, lets keep on praying that our mighty God will help us in what ever we want.
(USA) I have only been married for 3 1/2 years and after reading this post, I realize that the petty stuff that my husband and I deal with are nothing compared to what these individuals are going through. However, I realize that our marriage could come to this point if we don’t put Christ in the center. (I’m not saying none of these individuals have done that.)
My prayer is for each and every individual on this board facing separation or divorce … for the righteous, God binds up wounds and mends broken hearts. Guard your ears and your heart from bad advice. No matter how hopeless your situation may look, keep your eyes on Jesus who is not only the author and finisher of your faith, but can breath life into your seemingly lifeless marriage.
I’ve heard of couples who reconciled right in the divorce court or who were separated for 10 years and God brought them back together. Do not speak evil of that wayward spouse. Forgive him/her before they ever ask and pray for them daily that they recognize the error of their ways, repent and turn to God. Don’t let anyone else speak ill of your spouse. And, if you have children, do not tear that spouse down to the children.
I pray that the Holy Spirit comforts and God keeps each and every one of you. While you are waiting to see victory, continue to stay faithful in your walk with the Lord. Watch out for the enemy who will bring along that person of the opposite sex who seems to be understanding and can seemingly sweep you off of your feet. Satan is roaming around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. He may devour those who are so focused on their circumstances that they are not looking at God.
Although I cannot relate to what any of you are going through, I do know that we serve an awesome God who delights in EVERY detail of our lives. God bless you and keep you!
May I suggest the “Love Dare” book? Preview or purchase this book now. And also, you may want to visit the web site at Fireproofmymarriage.com.
(U.S.A.) Latonya wrote something I agree with, we need to have Christ in the middle of our marriage or things go kaboom! I have been experiencing lately very confusing thoughts about my marriage because my husband doesn’t want to spend time with me, you know, just the 2 of us, intimately and romantic time, none of that, just work, financial problems, health issues (I have been having problems with my back, but I’m better now), you name it. But I still want to be with Him, and he has no interest on me whatsoever.
But I must confess that ever since I experienced back problems, big time !!!-, I have let myself go. I don’t care about looking nice, I feel so tired of trying to better our marriage intimately, I don’t know what to do anymore. Reading this helped me but I know I have been depressed and looking sloppy, not attractive at all. I don’t know if you have any advice.
I don’t want to give this problem to my sisters or my parents, so I’ve kept it pretty much to myself. I’m really drained.. I wish I could change things, but it feels impossible, is it??? I think that for God all things are possible, so, I’m putting myself into his hands.
(USA) I am so sick and tired of hearing about separations, divorces, affairs etc… And all of these marriage problems that it makes me sick to my stomach because Our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy and have wonderful marriages. Let’s fight back with THE WORD of GOD and tell the enemy that he can’t have our families,our marriages and our homes. They are ours.
We have to stand and believe and not give up and command the enemy and he will flee. We can’t just sit back and complain and moan and groan. Let’s fight back with the POWERFUL word of God. Let’s take a stand just like we do for cancer or anything else out there.
I am so sick of hearing about how the enemy wants to destroy what the Lord has blessed. Let us ALL pray every night or day for marriages all over the world and let’s not be so QUICK to throw in the towel. Just know that it is OUR Heavenly Father who can and will turn all of these ugly situations around.
We can command life back into these dead marriages. Remember the dead bones? Well, we can and will with God’s help call out to these troubled marriages back to life. "In the NAME of JESUS I call life back to dead marriages and to supernaturally bless all of these families, to restore love where it is needed. To bring back joy and peace to all these homes." Wow… I am on fire for the LORD… Praise HIS HOLY NAME. Let’s say NO to divorce and no to affairs etc…
(USA) Hi Dora, You have been on my heart since you wrote. I’ve been praying for you (and other who have written in other postings as well). But I felt that I needed to respond for your plea for “advice”.
First off, let me say how sorry I am for the loneliness you’ve been feeling — particularly in your marriage. I can well understand why you would feel depressed and lonely. It sounds like you’ve gone through quite the physical battle and now find yourself in an emotional one as well. That happens many times after going through what you have experienced.
Many husbands try to help when their wives are hurting, but eventually they don’t know what to do to “fix” the problem — particularly with a wife who is battling depression, so they have a tendency to compartmentalize that away and concentrate on that which they feel they CAN fix (like finances, etc) and withdraw away from their wife. It’s almost like an “enough is enough” situation. The illness or injury is overwhelming enough for them to try to figure out how to help… but then when the depression comes along with other factors that they don’t understand, they feel overloaded. And for the rest of the time they will in essence, put their head in the sand, and withdraw from their wife because of feeling helpless and inadequate in knowing what to do in such matters.
What’s difficult for us as wives to understand, is because WE didn’t want to be in this situation in the first place, we feel especially rejected when the husband goes into the seeming “survival mode” of ignoring the problem by their withdrawal from being our partner in this. Most women, because we’re so relational, don’t understand this type of behavior. We have a tendency to go TOWARDS someone who is hurting, but most men (not all) will eventually back away (because again, they can’t “fix it” and it makes them feel inadequate). It’s all very difficult to explain.
I’m not trying to excuse your husband’s behavior, I’m just trying to help you to better see what may be happening. It’s more of a “male” thing that most of us women don’t understand because it’s not the way we’re wired.
My own husband was VERY distant in the beginning years of our marriage when I was ill. I just didn’t understand it because I’m the opposite. I have a tendency to be a nurturer in those kinds of situations. If Steve couldn’t “fix” a problem I had, he’d eventually withdraw or would somehow be passive-aggressive in his reaction to my “imposing” my illnesses upon his life. It sounds a bit bizarre, doesn’t it? It was. And he’s the first to admit this now. We both brought a lot of selfish and also a lot of childish behaviors into our marriage. Mine just manifested themselves in different areas. But I’m sure not without sin.
Through the years, the Lord gave me the insight to see that I’m a more relational person than Steve (at least in the beginning of our marriage). And He helped me to see how, as God’s colleague in loving Steve, He could show me how to be discrete in helping Steve grow in this area of his life — to become more relational than he was when first I married him.
And it’s amazing how much my husband has grown. God is awesome! Now, my husband is VERY compassionate and helpful when I’m suffering (or someone else is suffering). But it has taken many years and a lot of patience on both of our parts, to “help” each other in the various ways we both needed to grow.
But all of that set aside, I want to encourage you Dora, to reach out beyond your husband. Try to forgive your husband’s lack of understanding in this area (it’s one of those “forgive him Father, for he knows not what he’s doing” kinds of situations), and instead look to God to help you. Prayerfully, your husband will eventually wake up… but right now, concentrate on you and God.
From everything you’ve described, it appears that you are depressed. You’ve just gone through a horrible time with your back, and it apparently, has left you feeling drained and tired and alone. And that can very well lead to depression where everything around you is colored gray. Whether your husband has or is contributing to your feelings of aloneness, what you truly need is a mega-dose of feeling connected to your Heavenly Father.
My advice to you is to make the time and opportunity to worship. Put on some praise music, read scriptures, listen to Bible tapes… whatever! But get alone with God and pour your heart out to Him. Read and pray through the Psalms to Him. Cry out… shout, cry, pray, journal, write, and talk to God… and LISTEN, as well. Let Him talk to you.
At various times in my life, I’ve gone through some very depressing times — one time, more recently. Some of these times have been short (like my recent depression), some have been lengthy — some have been circumstantial (like your back problems and my recent problem) and others have developed into bio-chemical depressions because of the length of the circumstances that originally dropped me off on the road to depression.
I’ve dealt with the depressive times in various ways (with one long bout being where I needed to go on anti-depressants to refill the serotonin depletion I was experiencing), but eventually, the BEST “medicine” was getting alone with God and crying my heart out to Him — not looking to others to help me. And then worshiping. I would praise and worship Him even though I didn’t feel like it. And eventually, His light would shine through. I would thank Him for the things that would come to mind, confess what I needed to confess that would come to mind, cry with Him over the things that would come to mind, talk, question, and listen.
During those times, after worshiping Him, I always ask Him what I need to do (if there is anything) that could help me in my situation. I don’t look to point fingers at others that may or may not be doing their part, but I look to Him with the attitude, “I’m the one standing in the need of prayer.”
I also pray with determination that I will not stop until He blesses me. It’s not that I’m demanding that He change my situation (because I must recognize His sovereignty), but rather that He will bless me to experience renewed hope that He and I will get through this time ok. I never want to lose hope that “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” And He never has failed me to eventually lift my spirits (even if it’s taken days and weeks of prayer to get there).
These times have been times of renewal and growth. I hope you will reach out to God during this time, to help you get beyond the pit you are now buried inside of. It may take time — but it’s time worth taking! You may even need to see a doctor to temporarily get on some anti-depressants to get your serotonin levels elevated a bit so you see things more clearly.
But whatever you do, look past man, and look to God to help you. Worship Him. “Do you not know: Have you not heart? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:28-31).
And then as you are renewed in spirit, ask Him to show you what you can do to help you feel “renewed” in body so you don’t feel so run down — lacking energy and drive.
Ask Him to show you a ministry you can invest time in. As you invest in helping others, you will find yourself renewed as well. “…He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed” (Proverbs 11:25).
But above all, look to God. I pray you will, and that in Him you will find hope and help!
(USA) I was wondering if anyone else has experienced a problem like mine? My wife and I have been married nearly two years now. She had 3 kids and so did I when we married. We had none between us. We have had a lot of problems with the blended marriage thing.
Back in November of 2008 she moved out. I know I’m to blame for half the problems we’ve had. I never wanted her to move out though. While she was gone I felt the Lord wanted me to really try hard to save the marriage, so I went all out for the Lord and the marriage.
So about Thanksgiving we got back together. She had told me a few days in advance she had been talking to other guys. I told her it’s ok I can deal with that. She promised she would not do it anymore. I had a hard time believing that was all they did was talk so I did some investigating on my own. Come to find out she was with at least 2 of the guys sexually. I’m not sure about the 3rd. This was all within a months time. What am I supposed to think of this woman; and is this called cheating or was it ok since she left thinking we were finished?
(UNITED STATES) Shawn, I really hate that you and your wife went through that and I can tell that you love her and I am so glad that you listened to our Lord and are trying and want your marriage to work. What I really hate is that your wife fell subject to other men while you two were apart.
When you get a chance go to 1 Corinthians, chapter7; actually I think that you and your wife should read chapters 6&7 together. But in essence, the 7th chapter verses 4-5 states that your body is not your own and not to deprive each other except for a time(her cycle, to fast.etc) and it must be a decision that the two of you agree upon. After fasting you get back together intimately to satisfy your flesh-and also to,remember because you are married the marriage bed is undefiled and you are used to sexual touches.
In being together in that manner after fasting it relieves the other partner from sin…Satan comes in between you because he knows the flesh is weak and it must die daily. When you and your wife separated (which you will find in that chapter that the Bible tells you not to separate) you and your wife set yourselves up for the enemy to come in. He knew that you two had a chance of getting back together again and he had to taint your marriage so to speak to make you have the feelings that you have now about your wife.
She is human and she was without your touch. Now don’t get me wrong, what she did WAS NOT RIGHT and I pray that she is truly sorry for it and repents quickly. But please do not hold this over your wife’s head. While you two were away from each other I am quite sure that you too were subject to temptation.
Does it make you any different? No..because the Bible also says if a man lusts in his heart so is he…and it is the same as what your wife did physically..she did not tell the truth because she was ashamed of what had happened and did not want you to find out. Please deal with this issue so that you two can work on what really counts…your marriage and how to avoid leaving each other out in the cold for Satan to sneak in and create any more damage than already has been done.
So your question is cheating ?? No…it was adultery and in that 6th chapter you will find that it is hard for an adulterer to enter the gates of heaven-but you can’t focus too much on her because like I said before in that same chapter if you lusted in your heart for any woman, meaning looked at a movie, a magazine, had a conversation with a woman that was out of line or made a comment to her, a commercial or a woman passing you in the grocery store and had a thought of her in a manner that should only be for your wife, that is adultery also.
Because those thoughts have entered your mind and heart it makes you no different from your lovely wife…so ask god to reveal to you any time you may have been in violation of your marriage and when he brings it to your remembrance repent and be genuine with it and you will be forgiven. In the meantime, as you are back together again…seek Christian counseling…put that in the past and press on to the future…love your wife and seek to never separate and put each other in evil’s way again…get in your Bibles TOGETHER and stay there …please.
(UNITED STATES) Christie, amen! you have touched me with your response. My husband left me Dec., 08 . He says he wants a divorce because he is tired of being a husband and having to change his schedule to fit me and that we have had too many financial problems and mishaps (I’ve lost 2 jobs and we lost a baby 6 years ago). And he says that I am too sickly and has also stated that because I am sick so much, I must be of the devil.
My husband is a wonderful man, don’t get me wrong. I have never seen him like this before…Satan has truly attacked us and who left the door open? We did. We were not on guard and rooted in the word like we needed to be. He is a minister and I have watched my husband be a minister outside of our home but bible study at home or praying together…was not done and I begged him to do that for us because it just could not be right to pray and minster for others but there is no prayer or word left for each other when we got home.
My husband is now seeing a woman from the church we had just placed membership in and the pastor there has not called us into his office to talk about anything. My husband is his associate minster and armor bearer, But I have also found out that the pastor is on his second marriage. I don’t know if that has a part to play or not.
I am sick of the same thing. I am hurting just like others here but I am concerned for my husband’s soul and his ministry. He is twisting scriptures to fit what he wants and doesn’t want to do what is right. He used to counsel many couples in many areas but it seems as if he can’t remember any of the things that he instructed them to do.
I love my husband dearly, and yes prayer is powerful..there is nothing that I can do now but pray. God is in control..but there are days and nights when the loneliness comes and when the anxiety of divorce comes across my heart and iI fall to my knees in prayer…I need prayer like never before. I am renting a room from a lady that I don’t know. My car is being repossessed because my husband has stopped paying everything.
From what I hear he has another job and is doing very well financially and he seems to be very happy. There are times when I wonder if God sees and why does it look like he is blessing my husband with the intentions that my husband has in his heart to divorce me. So I have to stay in my word.
Let us pray for each other…someone has to take a stand for our marriages…we as Christians are starting to look like the world and there is no reason why we (Christians) should be in such a struggle in our marriage and families as we are in today if we are picking up that Bible.
The bible says be ye not conformed to this word…that means the worldly aspect of divorce..that is a law of the land..of Moses..not of God.
(UNITED STATES) HI! Links are great and very helpful to choose topics related to Save Marriages. This site is interesting and very nice. Thanks