Scriptures on Abuse and Domestic Violence
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What does the Bible say about Abuse and Domestic abuse? Does it even address it? The simple answer is YES! And that’s what we’d like you to be aware of because obviously those who believe otherwise need more information than they’ve up until now.
It is NOT ok for one spouse to commit violence against the other. It’s something God hates. And for those of you who are victims of abuse in your marriage, PLEASE don’t be fooled into thinking that you “deserve it” because your spouse tells you this is so and that the Bible even condones it. That is not true.
That’s why we have a whole section dealing with this subject —to help those who visit this web site become more aware of biblical truths concerning abuse.
That is also why we put together this article. The Bible says, “The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates” (Psalm 11:5). Anything God “hates” we should take note of and hate and reject as well.
Violence is not something the Lord condones in the home —especially within a Christian marriage where marriage is a living picture of Christ’s love for the church. Those who tell you that the Bible condones abuse in marriage are misguided and wrong.
To help prove this, lets look at what the Bible has to say about abuse. The following are web site links (to Focus Ministries and Suite 101) to articles you can click into so you can read:
• WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT VIOLENCE AND ABUSE?
• WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
These next two articles come from different web sites and hopefully, will help you further see that as Christians, we are wrong if we think that the Lord would sanction or condone abuse in the home.
The first article is written by Fiona Soltes and is posted on the web site for Lifeway Ministries. It gives an overall look at how Christians view abusive relationships and what they can and should do about it. Please click onto the link below to read:
• AN INSIDE LOOK AT ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
This next article is posted on the web site BeenThinking.com where Bible teacher and author Mart De Haan reconsiders how he originally looked at abuse in marriage and what he’s since learned as he’s studied the Bible more in depth on this subject:
Another excellent article is posted on Todayschristianwoman.com web site. We believe you will find it helpful for those who are under the opinion that abuse is just about violence to the body. Yes, it is definitely that. But there is a whole mind set and behavioral pattern that includes control issues that go along with it as well.
The author Gwyneth Nelson never thought she would be involved in a marriage rocked by violence and control issues because both she and her husband were Christians. As she said, “I couldn’t believe this was my reality and I couldn’t see a way out.” It’s a sad but true story of two people in love where abusive behavior became a way of life. Please click onto the link provided below to learn from and read:
• MY ABUSIVE “CHRISTIAN” MARRIAGE
For those of you who feel imprisoned in marriages where you are experiencing violence, and for those of you who want to know more about how to combat violence in marriage, there are also a number of articles posted on the web site for FOCUS Ministries, Inc. on the subject of Domestic Violence that you might find helpful. Rather than explain each one, we thought you might enjoy choosing which one most applies to your Christian marriage. To choose which articles you would like to read:
May we always:
“Remember those in prison
as if you were their fellow prisoners,
and those who are mistreated
as if you yourselves were suffering”
(Hebrews 13:3).
If you are a victim of abuse, we pray the above scriptures, and what you have learned in this article, the additional linked articles provided, plus what is posted on the Marriage Missions web site — particularly in the “Abuse in Marriage” section, will help you to reach out to the Lord and those He provides to assist you, to find a place of safety and peace.
If you are an abuser, we pray your eyes will be opened and you will reach out to the Lord and those who can best help you, to stop the violence you are committing against your spouse, and bring peace into your home.
If you are a friend, family member, church member, and/or someone who can make a difference to help those who are oppressed, we pray the Lord will empower and lead you to do what it takes to bring help, hope and peace into homes that are racked by violence.
This article was compiled by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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(PHILIPPINES) I have been in an emotional, verbal and physically abusive marriage too long. I can only admit it now because of many instances and last Jan 3, my husband passed away due to colon cancer.
(SOUTH AFRICA) God is a merciful one. We commit you into the hand of the Lord through his love. From, Pastor Dennis
(USA) I am constantly crying and feel very fragile. At times because of my faith and my worship, I get picked up. But, the words my husband says to me every 3 to 6 months hurt. They dig deeper and deeper into the scar that now seems to deep to heal.
I love Him, but I hate what He is doing to me. I know others tell me it’s not Him and it’s the devil. But, come on… 26 years is too long to keep blaming the devil. I am so scared. I have cried out to God. I don’t want a divorce. But… his constant put downs and NON-DISPLAY OF AFFECTION leaves me feeling so lonely, so alone.
He goes to church, yet doesn’t really seem like He did. It leaves me feeling confused and sad. As if know one can really help me. I cry out to God. Please help me. Please… Please… I am aging more rapidly with all this loss of sleep and loneliness.
I have decided to step down from worship, because it’s too embarrassing how he treats me in hope that everything will go back to normal. And I know it will, but only to lasts for a few months, until He belittles me again or verbally abuses me. What can I do Lord?
(RSA) The secret place, your right to divine protection. Please notice that for the man who fears the Lord, there is a place prepared for, called God circle blessings. From, Pastor D
(UNITED STATES) Recently, as in the last week, our former youth pastor was convicted of and sentenced to prison for having sex with his step daughter. (He had been in her life since she was 3 years of age.) This has divided a church and I am so torn as to how I am to react, interact and minister to this family. The wife is determined to save the marriage and the daughter has shut down and doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. I have a hard time believing in restoration of this marriage. It pains me to see what message this sends to their children.
I know God hates violence, I know God hates sexual immorality and I also know that God forgives his people. I don’t know what to say to the wife and even more what to say to the victim. I know this is not an easy question but I can’t not understand why you would stay and even more why you would WANT to stay.
My question is really to help me sort this out so I don’t say the stupid thing when we talk about this. I don’t want to remain silent if there is loving truth I can say.
(US) Carol–The story you shared is mindblowing–surprisingly not so much regarding the youth pastor molesting or raping his daughter, but the wife wanting to restore this marriage. Christianity can really get screwed up when we’re hearing so many messages. I know that we are under grace and not law but this is sick. Under law this man would probably have been put to death, while under grace he is certainly forgiven because of the blood of Jesus; however Jesus cares about the victim too.
Paul talked about a similiar situation in 1 Cor. when he rebuked the church for allowing a man who was having an affair with his stepmother to continue fellowshipping. He said that this was something that even gentiles would not have tolerated. Not only should this man be put out of fellowship but that marriage has definitely become dishonorable. The daughter has been hurt and tramautized and will need to be loved into wholeness. How can that happen if she sees her mother protecting the very one who hurt her.
Yes God can help the daughter forgive and can bring healing into that family but would he want to save the marriage at the expense of the broken daughter? This to me paints a picture of a wickedly twisted and perverted God. It also says alot about the wife–perhaps she has been abused and is unable to fully grasp the severity and the darkness of this situation.
Jesus came to give us life and he says that he delivered us from the power of darkness. This is very dark. I would be praying that the wife get help as well as the husband and daughter. God specializes in restoration so it does not seem impossible to me that everyone involved can be healed, restored, and delivered. If I were talking to the wife I would encourage her to seek counseling because I really do believe that she herself has experienced abuse of some kind. She is not emotionally stable. Children look to their parents to protect them. If one parent is not able you’d expect the other parent to do whatever neccessary to protect. I truly pray that our loving Father guides your church into being able to handle this the way the Holy Spirit would lead as well as the actual individuals involved.
(US) Ann, I am sure that your response is not quite biblical. You cannot say God is loving and forgiving in the same sentence with perversion. Your response exposes the fact that your feelings and emotions are driving your thoughts, which the Bible calls unstable. The truth is that if this woman chooses reconciliation, that is her decision. It is not an unbiblical one. Whether I or you think it is right or wrong or even foolish, it is a decision is that hers to make. God is not a pervert or wicked for guiding her to do so if indeed God is moving her by His Spirit.
This is by far unwise counsel. I believe until you or Carol are able to speak encouragement and words of hope and comfort that are not tainted by your emotions and opinions, the best counsel you can give is to NOT say anything because it is blantantly obvious that you are not being led by the Spirit. Blessings!
(USA) Thom, she is speaking Biblical… Proverbs also admonishes violence and says to have nothing to do with wickedness. Abusing a child is wickedness. Jesus said it is better for a man to have a millstone tied to his neck and cast in the river than to cause harm to a child. The infidelity of the abuse is grounds for divorce!
I understand there is room to be forgiving but a person’s character needs to be proven to the victims… And a clear compassion needs to be bestowed upon all… Including the young girl-first and foremost. The wife is putting her own desires for marriage (whose vows were broken) before her daughter’s need to heal. That perpetuates the abuse on the child. The mother is being insensitive to the daughter’s needs. She was her daughter’s mother before she was that man’s wife. She should heal from her idolization of marriage.
God did not extend a cheap Grace, nor should we.
(USA) The mother is more concerned about her marriage than about helping her daughter heal. Advise that the Lord hates violence more than he hates divorce… It is her responsibility to help her daughter heal… And she needs to heal herself from her own neediness of marriage… A separation would be healthiest for all… Especially as long as the husband needs counseling and as long as her daughter needs to heal.
(USA) I am just curious what happened to this family. I noticed the original post was from December 2010. Were you able to resolve your own feelings about the situation in order to minister to the families needs? Did the family seek out counseling? Obviously the mother didn’t enable the abuser because a conviction was garnered. It is obvious with a conviction involved a separation would have occurred in the family as well which would have lead to a cooling off period for the mother and the daughter. Did they seek counseling and has the family since healed?
(US) I work for a DV shelter in Wisconsin. I have seen a lot of very sad situations. God keeps me at peace, I often feel like I want to save the world but I can’t do it all. I’m moving to GA soon and I want to work with the abusers. We have so many programs for the ladies but until we deal with the abusers we’re going in circles. I feel they should be counseled, mentored & taught what GOD SAYS ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!! I’m really hoping I could connect with a shelter in or shelters in GA.
(USA) Why assume the victims are all women? People abuse. It’s not a gender trait, it’s a character trait. Stop speaking as if the victims are all women and the abusers are all men.
When a woman divorces her husband, and 2/3rds of all divorces are initiated by women, and only about 6% of those husbands divorced are adulterous or abusive, (redundant since cheating on your spouse is emotional abuse) that means the other 94% of women (and men, but we are talking about those who file the majority of divorce actions right now) who walk out or kick out their husbands are emotionally abusing their husbands, if not other types of abuse.
So please, get the false notion out of your head that women are a minority of abusers. They are as sinful as men and simply choose different means, means that society doesn’t currently consider abusive to perpetrate their abuse. So by all means, deal with the abusers, ALL the abusers.
Remember, there are no excuses for abuse, not physical abuse, not verbal abuse, nor emotional abuse. So any abuser, man or woman cannot hide or shift blame due to some circumstance they wish to present.
Women who claim they fell out of love with their husbands are simply using the form of argument that is rejected from male abusers. We don’t accept “she made me do it” from male abusers, and we need to stop accepting it from the women who say, “he made me do it” when they claim if only their husband would have been more _________, or less _______, when they choose to divorce him and take his kids in search of her happiness. That is abusive to her husband and her children. Where is the outrage?
(UNITED STATES) You are right not all abusers are men some are women. The fact is; the real fact that there is less than 10 % that are male victims. Now it is a fact that approximately 90% of abusers are men. So don’t get upset when people say or refer to abusers as men or he. Now if you were talking about child abuse you could reverse those stats and say women are the perdominate abusers. The argument is not who does it the most or who did this or that. Why should you ask for a divorce even matter like there is some excuse to a abuser’s behavior? There is not one. Abuser’s make a choice, it’s not a sickness, it’s a learned behavior in certain cases, it is a power & control issue. There is no excuse for it.
(UNITED STATES) Tony, just to remind you, don’t always go by appearances or even words. My “husband” filed divorce against me in ’98. I was going to separate from him for a time because he was yelling, threatening and there were several other problems… but one night he tried to pick me up and shove me out of the house. I called the police. I came back to get clothing and such for me and our daughters and had made arrangements to stay with a friend temporarily. Divorce was not on my mind, but solving the problems was.
He had filled out divorce papers but not filed them. The pastor was at the house; I walked in and handed him and my “husband” a drink I had bought them on my way. Our two young daughters were right behind me. All of a sudden, his brother swooped around, grabbed the girls and took off! His vehicle was no where to be seen and I noticed in the next instant the kitchen phone was GONE. All of a sudden, I realized I might be in danger. I took off to find a phone, called the police hysterically then went back to the empty house. When police arrived, I was cleaning up a picture I’d smashed (I’d grabbed it, instinctively, and smashed it to gain a few moments when I realized the betrayal and no way to call for help) and I was in emotional shock.
Next thing I knew, I was being sent to the hospital because I was allegedly “homicidal”. I spent a week there before I realized I was actually free to leave, as I never fulfilled any of the bogus criteria. In meantime, husband filed for divorce and shut down our joint banking, taking it all for himself. I went through many months of being terrorized (and again, hospitalized via his lies). He didn’t want a divorce, he told me. He had been FORCED, so he lied (as I learned this past year or so), to file that and for “temporary custody-emergency”. He wanted a divorce, but the other thing I learned recently was that the “settlement” his attorney drew up would NEVER have stood up in Court… it awarded him EVERYTHING except for our broken down car with no heat. I would be “allowed” to visit my children in the presence of “husband” or his parents, ONLY. So I gave in, thinking that was what I would “get”. By now, I had been misdiagnosed with mental illness I DID NOT have and panic attacks were totally missed by the doctors.
A little over a year later, he started it all again, filling out the paperwork, threatening me … so I went down and filed. I only wish I had been smart enough to have filed his papers, because our children thought I deserted them. I figured if I went peaceably, maybe I wouldn’t have to go through the hell I did. I was wrong. The hell started back up AFTER the divorce was final. “Husband” and his mother colluded to keep the children from me, lied to them, telling them I had bipolar and paranoid schizophrenia, and “mo-in-law” told a 10 and 11 year old that “mommy is going to kill you”. They worked to get me under restricted and supervised visitation … his many overt denials to allow visitation were NEVER addressed by the Court and when I tried to get a restraining order because of his threats and yelling when I did exercise visitation were terrifying to me, as well as our daughters, who would refuse to come with me, hiding … well, that ended up getting me put in jail, because when the restraining order was refused (I didn’t know you have to file it in the divorce Court), I was hit with contempt for trying to protect our children. I don’t care though, I refused to answer the judge and hand children over to a terrorizing bully.
So even when the woman files, it might not be what it “seems” and what the other person says (and I am sure that applies to men as well). All of his lies, the collusion with his relatives and this “pastor” who betrayed my trust ended up with me being seen as a lunatic, totally non-credible, etc. Funny thing though, despite his continued post divorce bullying… I got BETTER over time. I ended up, though HAVING to come back to this “marriage” as I was advised there was no way the custody would ever be changed in my favor. So, I did… but only after a year or so of trying to determine if problems and emotions would be handled differently. Seemed so… and that was approximately 6-7 years ago.
2 years ago, he filed divorce again… he was having an affair with a married woman who he thought would marry him. I was more assertive and wouldn’t do what he told me to do. He ordered me out of “his” house (of which he cheated me $10,000 in equity in previous divorce, though that was not my total “loss”). I refused as I learned more of my rights and treatment for the PTSD INJURIES I sustained at his hands (and his cronies) had helped, plus I spent much time in my Bible and my relationship with the Lord. So he is trying to reduce me to financial ruin, since I wouldn’t obey. I have a judgment against him for over $5,000… he ignores it. I AM THE ONLY ONE expected to follow Court orders. My car keeps breaking down, so I will probably lose my other job… a bitter blow for someone who lives 20 miles from “civilization”. He refuses to make a settlement. well, he made one offer and rescinded it after I spent about $300 going over it with my attorney and accepting it.
Personally, I wish someone WOULD make some changes… DV or spousal bullying shouldn’t mean the target has to run away and give up everything, especially after having their world turned upside down from abuse. And churches? Well I’ve tried to get the leaders of the churches to speak with him, take some action, but apparently, that’s not okay with them, despite the many mentions of reproof and responsibility for erring brothers and sisters. He and his mother are both church members and supposedly, Christians, although I sure don’t see it. It really angers me that not only will they not speak with him (impotent god?) but protect or help? I was actually TOLD, twice that I should go, “since I was unhappy there”.
All I can say, is my Lord removed me from a toxic situation and healed my mind and restored me… even to the point that up til all broke loose, things were fairly smooth and our children doing much better. The Lord has gotten me through, though I cry a great deal at times (mostly when I am doing car repairs… brakes, replacing lug studs, cable shifters, belts and all… because it often is a lot harder and takes longer and makes me late to work and I have nobody to help me); I am under a great deal of emotional stress and get a lot of our daughter’s anger (I hear it is because I’m the “safe” adult). My Lord isn’t impotent and I sure would like it if some church had one… like the Lord God revealed in the Bible. So appearances, as is also stated therein, can BE deceiving. I too blamed myself for much that I learned had nothing to do with me… and my husband remains living next door, with his mother… and those two “Christians” act as if I was dead, or non-existent. And honestly, I wish I was financially in a place to leave… but I’m not, unless I want to live in my car… and I don’t know how much longer it’s going to hold out.
(USA) I’m praying for you, we have a lot in common and not so in common.
(USA) I have been married for almost 5 years, my husband is a soldier in the army and has been on 4 deployments through our marriage. So he is always gone. I know he has PTSD, but has not been diagnosed, because he is afraid it will mess his career up. He has been emotionally and verbally abusing me for a long time time. He puts me down a lot, I can’t do anything right. I try and talk to him on yahoo messenger, he just ignores me or says stuff like I don’t feel like talking. He does this when he is home too. It gets to the point where he will say mean stuff like I’m mentally unstable because I’m sad that he has been gone almost our whole marriage, he calls me fat, he says I’m a bad parent because I spoil our son. He is so nice to everyone else but me. He never tells me I’m pretty, he never says he misses me. He just doesn’t say anything hardly and then when he does its mean and hurtful.
I wish I knew what to do. I’m lost right now because the last marriage I was in he beat me, and to tell you the truth, I would rather have phyiscal scars that heal then this feeling I have in my soul and heart from the emotional and verbal abuse. I am lost and need lots of prayers.
(UNITED STATE) Soldiers wife, My situation is exactly as yours… Everything you posted I am living it too! I feel lost and confused. I am thinking separation will be the best thing to do. I was advised to talk to his commander for help.
(USA) Please, both of you, realize you can do something to change your situation. Contact domestic violence services in your area. Seek counseling for yourselves. You can learn how to respond to your husbands’ differently to be stronger yourselves. Trust me- the longer it takes you to do something the weaker you will become and the less likely your husband’s can get better too!
You also have to be a healthy person and living like that is not healthy… Not for you or your children. Make yourselves stronger and less dependent. Otherwise you won’t have options if it gets worse. You won’t get the respect you deserve unless you give it to yourself and expect it from others.
I hear your compassion for the PTSD… But that doesn’t give license to be an abuser. It is an illness that needs treatment. Also, the reality is abuse is an illness too -that is also treatable. Getting yourselves out from underneath it is your right and is completely up to you to do. I’m praying for you and countless others.
(US) Please pray for me and my 3 kids. I’ve been in a very physical and emotionally abusive marriage for 12 years. I don’t know what to do. I’m starting to lose faith. God please show me the way. I’m so lost. I feel defeated…
(UNITED STATES) Jo, you can get out. You have biblical grounds for divorce. God doesn’t expect or want you to be abused and oppressed. He can restore you and give you back all the years the locusts have stolen. Keep heart and don’t give up. Focus and plan how to get out and how much God loves you. You may want to move in with your family or contact a local shelter. God Bless.
(USA) Thanks for this article. My ex-husband abused me and then blamed me for the abuse, totally defaming my character to other people and seeking to humiliate me, destroy my career, and almost everything he ever told me about himself is a lie. Although we had no children together (thank God!), he still will not let go and refuses to accept the relationship is over.
Almost everyone who knew him when we met thought he was wonderful. Most of the people at my church see him for the deceitful and ungodly person he is, thankfully. However, con artist that he is, he contacted my university and they seem to have fallen for his lies and his concerned act, and my reputation is damaged because of his defamatory remarks about me. When I finally had to involve the police because he is stalking me, I was told by the police officer I initially talked to that he sees no reason for alarm and my ex seems “concerned” about me. Sometimes I feel guilty, as if I’m the one who is a bad person because he is able to fool people, who seem to just believe his lies. I know the thought that I am somehow to blame for all this is a lie straight from hell, though, and I fight against those thoughts. It helps to know how seriously God takes abuse and that he is for me.
(UK) I have been married for 8 years. My husband was recently physically abusive to me for the second time. It is not a regular occurance, but last time it happened I told myself that I wouldn’t let it happen again. It is made worse by the fact that I am pregnant with our third child.
Until recently my biggest desire has been to fix our marriage, but I am now questioning whether this can happen. Last time he promised it would never happen again and the breech of trust is huge -then in every breath he justifies what he did. I drove him to it by disobeying, by being contentious, by deliberately ‘pushing his buttons’. I am not always the most repectful wife, but to obey someone whose attitude is so unloving towards me is so hard. Mostly I fear, that one day our children will be on the receiving end of this.
Although the physical abuse is rare, he exhibits controlling behaviour which makes it harder for me to consider leaving. He has ensured that I do not develop friendships, I have no access to money and on occasion, he has locked me in the house and hidden the key.
I could not attend church last week -my husband leads worship, and the thought of keeping up a ‘happy families’ image, was too much for me.
He has agreed to talk to our pastor -but his version of events has already changed -he says I was physical with him first. I am scared of what the future holds, either with or without him. I entered a covenant when we married and would not break it lightly, but I cannot honestly say that I love him at this moment in time. Please would anyone who reads this pray that I would be able to stay calm and humble, but that most of all God’s will be done in our situation and may He protect our children from any harm?
(USA) Amanda, I know how hard it is to be in this situation and to feel you’re not only breaking up your family, but betraying God by considering leaving an abusive relationship. I’m in the process of leaving my husband for the same reasons. I can tell you that the abuse only continues and progressively increases with each cycle. Don’t listen to the promises, apologies, etc., as their purpose is only to get you back into your abuser’s clutches.
After years of tolerating verbal, physical, and emotional abuse, as well as severe isolation, I can tell you that being alone is far better than the painful, never-healing cuts on your feet you get from walking on all those sharp eggshells. My husband was a well-respected, church-going attorney and he even started a battered women’s shelter in our community before I met him. He is charming, handsome, successful, etc… However, it seems his cruelty and insistence on control knows no boundaries. His abuse was subtle initially, and only verbal at first. Unfortunately, once these men learn they can physically harm you (and unfortunately the kids) and you will stay, it just escalates. My husband became so tyrannical he even barred my older children from coming to our home and having any contact with my younger children for several years in an attempt to isolate us and maintain control. He did this after the older children were old enough to see what was truly happening in our home and called him on it. I have terrible guilt for tolerating it, and looking back from my own new home (I left him with the kids for good) safe, and apart from him, I don’t even know who that person was that obligingly went along with this ghastly annihilation of my family. I let this happen out of fear as he said if I let my older children come home, he would take my younger ones and we would never see them again. I was paralyzed with fear and stuck in a quagmire of confusion.
Break free while you can, before your head is so messed up by the continued abuse that you can’t see straight, or make a competent decision. My heart is with you!