SCRIPTURES ON DIVORCE
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The following scriptures use the text found in the New International Version of the Bible:
If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD. Do not bring sin upon the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance.
Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accept them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself [or his wife] with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty.
[Jesus said] It has been said, “Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.” But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
Some Pharisees came to him [Jesus] to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Some Pharisees came and tested him [Jesus] by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” “What did Moses command you?” he replied. They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”
Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
By law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress, even though she marries another man.
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
Are you married? Do not seek a divorce.
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(SOUTH AFRICA) Please pray for me and my boys 8 and 3 years old. My husband walked out on us in January 2008, after nine years of marriage. He is living with a 20 year old girl and she is pregnant with his baby now. We are getting divorced. It is very tough on me and my kids, because he is planning on getting married to this girl once our divorce is final. Please pray for me and my boys…
Leonie, You have our prayers and our love, that God will help you, guide you, and show you how to raise these precious boys to grow into faithful men who love God and are trust-worthy, honest, and over-comers of the many harmful temptations they will face. We pray the Lord will touch your life in such a way that you will see hope beyond this horrible time, and that you will sense the Lord’s abiding love as you take one day at a time, walking with His guidance.
(USA) Leonie, I am going to pray for you so hard girl. I really hope that you can find some comfort in the LORD. I recently was facing a divorce and GOD pulled us back to where we needed to be. Pray for your husband that he may draw closer to the LORD and ask GOD to change his heart. GOD can do it. A very Good friend of mind named Anne recommended to me to read a scripture that can help Jeremiah 32:27 also try Ephesians 3:20.
GOD can work miracles if you believe. Also remember what scripture says Matthew 7:12. What he’s doing to you could happen to him. I will defiantly be praying for you. Love Ya, LYNNE
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband moved back to Cape Town today with his girlfriend. Thank you for your love and your encouragement. I pray that God changes my husband’s heart and that He will bring him back to me and my boys as a mighty man of God, and that we can build our family based on the one True God, that is always there for us.
I was feeling very down today, but my sister and you really encouraged me. It brought me to tears. Thank you once again, God bless.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Cindy/Lynne, My husband and his girlfriend are living four days away from me and my boys. I had a terrible weekend. We had a long weekend here in South Africa. He came to visit us the whole weekend and two nights he was stinking drunk and causing trouble.
I am living with my parents-in-law and my mother in-law told me yesterday that I have to get out. I must find a place for me and my boys (her grandchildren). But I am not going to be moved by it because God is in control. They don’t have to bow down to me but the enemy has to bow down to God. I am going to be ok, both me and my boys, because God is busy healing and restoring us.
There is something that goes like this: Saul looked at Goliath and said he is too big to kill. David looked at Goliath and said he is too big too miss. I am facing this with Davids attitude. God bless. Stay strong.
(USA) Leonie, Keep in mind that the LORD never closes a door with out a plan for your escape. You’re right, stay strong and do not open a window for the devil to climb into. You’ll be fine, continue to Have faith and pray. Believing that GOD will take care of you when things are bad is the ultimate test of faith. Remember Job? I too can struggle with feelings of hopelessness but nothing or no one is too much for GOD.
What was the reason for husbands impaired state? He is filling himself with wine. Instead of the Holy Spirit. He must be trying to tune Someone out — Some one whose voice must be very LOUD! Which means that the LORD is at work, just keep praying. It sounds like you have the right attitude about all of this. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers. LOVE, LYNNE
(UNITED STATES) I just found out my wife wants a divorce from me… I am totally crushed… It’s gotta be the worst day for me now… We have disagreements and lack communication for close to three years now… I am so sad, because I know we can get over these hurdles… but she seems to lack faith now in that… Plus I know there is something on the other side of the grass if you know what i mean…
I don’t want to leave because I know God would want me active in our daughters lives…..and this is just so wrong… I have been on this site for more than 2 years reading forums and pages… It is a God send…
Please pray for me. The enemy is busy in my house…. he knows I have been with this person since 1994… and when I married her that’s when the problems occur….
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Leonie and all. I am a 21 year old mother to a 6month old baby boy. I have also been through a lot in the past year or so. My husband of 17 months is having an affair with his ex girlfriend! I was incredibly sad and very hurt when I found out. A lot happened after that, but basically at the moment we are separated and he’s contemplating divorce. The worst thing about this is that this woman goes to the same church as I do, so I see her a lot! She is a whole lot "better" than me, materialistically speaking. She has a car, no children, dresses well, the works. So, after many sincere prayers I made to God concerning my marriage – I’ve decided to fight for my marriage! It’s not easy – but I know it will be worth it in the end.
Leonie, you really need to focus on Jesus and know that he is well aware of all that you’re feeling – because He’s been through it too! I know how it feels to be confused, and I was suicidal at one stage – but thankfully I literally CRIED OUT to Jesus. You have to know that none of what is happening is His will, and He can change your situation. There are many Bible verses where God changes peoples hearts (read Ezra, Daniel, Zechariah). Read these and believe in them, because He is the same God and He can do that to Your man.
Also don’t focus too much on the past. Look forward. Ask God to show you how to be a woman after His own Heart. I have to live with the torment of seeing this woman everyday, but I decided to throw myself in God’s hands. Just don’t give place to impatience. Trust in God. Invest in your spiritual life FIRST and then ask God to show you how to connect the relationship you have with Him to the one you have with your husband.
Read books that help. I found that the Power of a Praying Wife helped. Charles Swindoll’s Getting through the Tough Stuff also helped. Also read Elizabeth George’s Beautiful In God’s Eyes. All these will help you greatly. Ask God to show you ways YOU can change, and leave everything in His capable hands. I know at times we all feel weak, and wonder whether all the effort is worth it, but somehow we have to believe.
I am definitely with you. And don’t forget, where there are two or more gathered in His name – He is there. We might not be together physically, but our spirits are committed to the prayers on behalf of our families. He will hear, He will answer and He will save your Family.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi again Leonie, I just wanted to also encourage you concerning your In-laws. I can only imagine how terrible this must be for you. I guess in a way it puts your faith into action. Look to God and ask Him to help you. After all, you’re depending on Him, right? Sometimes when God is pushed in a corner, He acts. Remind Him of His promises – It’s not that He’s forgotten about them, but He wants to know that you trust and believe in them. Tell Him that it’s not because you are good, but rather because He is faithful, and therefore cannot disown Himself.
I am praying hard for your family. One thing for sure, we’ve got nothing to lose! Keep strong and if all you feel like you’re wavering – read Psalm 27. Actually the entire book of Psalms will help. And check out the article on "How to Save Your Marriage Alone". Believe me- You can do it!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Dineo, You are so very young to go through something like this. Don’t worry. God is strengthening me and God is carrying me through this storm. I am focused on Him. My flesh wants me to run to my husband all the time, but my spirit is taking over surely. God is very faithful and is guiding me through this. He showed me yesterday that what I am going through is nothing to Him; there are people in this world that do not even know Him that are going through worse.
Last night my mother in-law was very rude to me, threatening to hit me, but you know what Dineo, I just smiled inside and said, “Father listen to this woman, the enemy is so upset with me Father because I am not turning away from them but to you.”
I read Psalm 50:15 last night, it says "and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me." God gives us permission to seek Him, so that is what I am doing. I am anointing my boys and myself with oil every night and I pray saying that no weapon formed against us shall prosper, because they are saying a lot of things against me and my boys.
This is not so hard Dineo. God is faithful. He is not a man that He should lie, I trust Him and I know that He is going to come through for me and my kids. He is going to change their father’s heart and life and my husband is going to be the man that God intended him to be. I am practicing everyday to God my focus and practice makes perfect. Be blessed my sister in Christ. I love you. Leonie
(USA) Hi Dineo, I wanted to make some comments after reading your present situation. I was struck by your comment about how you measure up against your husband’s ex-girlfriend (the one with whom you say he is having an affair).
I simply wanted to say, from my own personal observations combined with my own walk with the Lord, that I know what it’s like to make those comparisons but I also know that it is of the world.
Perhaps your husband is looking at his ex-girlfriend because she owns things or looks a certain way, but only the world puts a high value on things like that. The more we walk with Christ, the more we are to be called out of the world. (See: John 15:19.) If your husband likes those things about someone else instead of the wife that God gave him (you), then he is looking at things through fleshly, worldly eyes. Obviously, that’s his choice and you can’t change that. But what you can change or make a choice on, is not to look at things the same way.
You are a wife and have a child by the husband that God gave you. That is honorable in the eyes of the Lord. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. You are now a Godly woman. God told the world to be fruitful and multiply in many places in the Bible. Don’t ever let anyone make you ashamed of that, or who you are. You are precious in the eyes of God.
The other thing I wanted to say is regarding your statement that the woman your husband is having an affair with, goes to your church? If that is correct then I am appalled.
If this woman is actively having an affair with a married man and then is going to church as though it is nothing, then that is very dangerous. But it also requires action from other believers.
Read I Corinthians 5. Paul talks about two people in the Corinthian church who were committing acts that even the pagans didn’t commit and no one was doing anything about it. In other words, everyone was turning a blind eye to it. If the woman in your church is currently having an affair with a married man (your husband) you cannot turn a blind eye to it.
I Corinthians 13 talks about love. And it says, in verse 6, that love does not rejoice in evil, but rejoices in the truth. If your husband and his ex-girlfriend are trying to separate themselves because they know an affair is wrong, then God is already working on the problem. But if they are continuing the affair and you are sure of this, you cannot turn a blind eye to it. You must tell the pastor or another believer you trust. That cannot continue – it is a stink in God’s nostrils. Not only that, but it is incumbent upon anyone calling themselves a believer to do what is right. I Corinthians 13:6 talks about telling the truth.
The only caveat I would add is if the affair is not physical. If it is a physical affair and is currently ongoing then you must bring it to the church’s attention since she attends your church. If it is an "emotional" affair, where they are just having conversations, etc. then, although that is not appropriate either, it is less serious and requires slightly different action.
If it is a non-physical affair I would suggest approaching this lady at some point before or after church services, and trying to talk to her about it – not out of anger but out of desiring the best for you, your family and her as well. We are to lift our fellow brethren up. In doing this you would not only be helping your family out of love, but you would be helping her as well.
Please read the verses above as I think they are appropriate to your situation. And pray for God’s guidance. But I had to point these things out from my own lessons in what I’ve learned in my walk as a Christian.
With love and prayers for you, your little one, and your husband and the other woman. God will prevail.
(UNITED STATES) Hey Dineo! It is good you are fighting for your marriage! Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you!
If you guys can get it…pick up the book, “The Divorce Remedy”. It is a great book for you in a time like this! And it gives you steps on how to handle this…and it will question you also. We have to remember that we can find faults in our spouses…but we have to look at us first…ask God to change us..and then we can continue to move forward in saving these marriages.
P.S LEONIE! KEEP UR HEAD UP! PRAY! READ SELF HELP BOOKS! AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST…READ THE WORD! AND NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER QUIT!!!!!!!! OUR GOD IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Good Morning All. Jerome, thanks for your encouragement for Dineo and myself, God bless you.
Dineo I went through this long weekend. It started on Thursday night, when my husband drank himself drunk and came looking for trouble with me. You know when he started cursing and swearing at me I blessed him and the enemy could not handle it. He swore at God and at me. He told me that the church I belong to is no good for me. He hit me in front of my boys.
His girlfriend phoned me to ask me if she can come see me. She is a child. Dineo is with a child. She does not even look like she can be 20 years old, but 17 or 18. He is a man of 35 years old. I told her what has happened and I also told her that she took my husband. They destroyed my marriage, but she is going to be no part of my kids lives.
I do not have time for the devil and his little demon people. I had enough of them in my life. It is time that we as children of God can take a stand in Our Father and stand up for ourselves. No fighting physically, but with God’s word. It is our weapon. God gave me Psalm:109 to read. It is harsh, very harsh.
My brother in-law also wanted to hurt me because of his brother. You guys see, I am living with my in-laws. but God is busy preparing a place for me and my boys to take us out there. My husband is not even working, he is struggling to find a job. He bothers me all the time and tries to tell me what to do and what not to do. I have a Father in Heaven who takes care of me.
Our message in church yesterday was about changing the climate. And our teaching was on the Gospel of Luke –how the climate changed as Jesus lives on earth all the time. I believe that message was for me. You guys must remember that Jesus did nothing to nobody, but still they persecuted Him, beat Him, spit in his face and crucified Him. He did it for us, for them, for everyone. What we are going through seems tough, but always remember that it is nothing compared to what He went through for us. And God will come through for all of us, because He is not a man that He should lie. Stand on his word, everyone.
Be blessed. Love Leonie
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hello all. Thank you so much for all the advice – I really appreciate it. Firstly to LT, I was away from the "state" where my husband and I lived for 3 months, just trying to gain perspective on the situation. It was a tough 3months, but I learned a lot about my own ungodly behavior in the marriage, and I prayed hard for God to deliver me from bitterness etc.
As for the other woman, I can honestly say that I did tell people about it, but nothing is standing in her way. You see the situation is all very complicated and even worse now is that she is CONVINCED that she and my husband are getting married. I know this because she is wearing an engagement ring and planning a big wedding. However, in this, I kind of took Hezekiah’s attitude – and I left it to God. Amazingly, I spoke to my husband recently who told me that he was very unhappy – about his life in general.
As for Leonie, GIRL – how hectic! I know exactly how you feel! Look, please in everything, do not allow bitterness to grow in your heart. If you want to know how not to – just pray and cry out to God. If you let it fester, it will become so heavy a burden, you’ll go CRAZY! So, please deal with that first. I can imagine what a damp and dreary long weekend you’ve had – mine was not too great either! But when things look like their really going mad, that’s when we have to hold on tighter to God. Ask God to give you a spirit of revelation and wisdom – so that you can see this situation the way He does, and act as He directs you. I am with you in prayers.
To everyone, may God bless you and your families incredibly! I am praying for you all. It’s not easy, but when we have our crowns, we’ll find that it was worth the struggle. Stay strong. In faith, Dineo
(UNITED STATES) Hello my name is Rita. I kicked my husband out because I felt that he was cheating on me. He said that he wasn’t but he is selling drugs again. He doesn’t want to go to counseling and he has already filed for a divorce. I got the divorce 6-9-08. I know that God can change things around and I am asking for you to pray for me and my husband. I know that getting a divorce is an abomination in Gods eye’s. So I am asking for prayer for me & my Husband (Larzaus). Thank you, and God Bless you for this website and ministry.
(U.S.A.) Rita, There is another wonderful website for spouses who are "standing in faith" for the restoration of their marriage, divorced or not. It’s called, rejoicemarriageministries.com. With your husband’s name being Lazarus I believe your marriage will be resurrected from the dead just as Jesus’ friend Lazarus was resurrected in the Bible. Keep standing and believing, never give up, "nothing is too hard for God!" God bless you!
(UNITED STATES) Thank you so much for this website. I’m also a divorced Christian woman, still in love with my former husband and I am "standing in faith" that God will restore our marriage. I had an extra marital affair over 3 years ago and have been divorced only 1 year. He cannot get over the past and says there’s no way we will ever be together again. I’m not giving up and I’m not giving in until God brings him back to me. No one else is for me but my former husband.
(UNITED STATES) I entered a comment the other day before I read the scripture at the very top in Deuteronomy 24:1-4. Does this mean due to me having an affair, and my former husband was the one that filed for divorce, does that mean it’s an abomination if he were to come back to me? I’m confused.
(USA) Hi Gloria, This section of verses you mention, in how I read it, only refers to if you had already married another. Your previous post (above this latest one) says that your husband divorced you but that you are hoping for reconciliation so my impression is that you have not remarried (and neither has he).
Another note, not necessarily related to your current situation, is to keep in mind that Deuteronomy is part of Moses’ law – that the "old law/old covenant" that the Israelites kept before Christ came. It was a rather harsh law. Additionally, Christ said to the Pharisees that the only reason Moses allowed divorce at all was because of the "hardness of their hearts." See Matt. 19:8 If you also notice, he says from the beginning it wasn’t so. In other words, that men shouldn’t be putting their wives away. You’ve already said your husband is in a state of unforgiveness of you – that’s what causes people to leave their spouses or "put them away."
That’s something your husband has to work through, if he wants to. I like your repentance at having the affair and your desire for reconciliation. Perhaps your husband will come to a state of forgiveness of you and you two can reconcile.
If you want to know the New Testament laws on marriage and divorce, and you don’t already know them, you should read I Corinthians 7. I Corinthians 7 is the current standing law (as opposed to the Old Law in Deuteronomy). Keep in mind when Christ died on the cross the veil was rent in two meaning we no longer go through priests (like the Jews did) to get to God. We no longer make sacrifices – we go to God directly and pray to God directly and have a relationship with Him directly. (Incidentally, this is why some Christians have a problem with the Catholic religion – because they are using priests as a "go-between" between the people and Christ, having people confess their sins to a priest and pray to saints instead of Christ, which flies in the face of why Christ was crucified).
So, Christ’s crucifixion was to replace the Old Law. That doesn’t mean that the Old Testament is null and void- quite the contrary. There are MANY really good verses and resources in the Old Testament, as well as a lot of prophecy. It’s just that the Old Law does not apply anymore because Christ is the "fulfillment" of the Old Law and came to die for us and our sins thereby doing away with the Old Law – we are to follow the New Covenant as laid out in the New Testament.
Hope this helps. With love, LT
(SOUTH AFRICA) Please pray for me, my name is Harold. I have been married for 18 years. My wife Heather wants to divorce and move to the UK, leaving me and the kids here. We have two kids. I have prayed so much. I think God wants to tell me something but I don’t know how to listen. I love Heather very much but somewhere I went wrong. Please pray for us; I know we can sort this out. Thank you so much. Harold
(US) Yes!! This helps very much. Thank you and God bless you for your response.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Rita, my name is Harold. My wife wants a divorce so I can’t give you any advice. All I can do for you is pray. All you have to do is keep looking up. God knows best. I know what you are going through. It is not easy. Ask Jesus to help you, and I will pray for you and your family as long as I have to. Your friend in Jesus always.
(US) (US) (US) LT, I forgot to mention, no, I have not remarried and neither has my former husband. Please keep us in your prayers.
(UNITED STATES) Thanks Harold, my friend came back from work and gave me Isaiah 30:21 and said that God said to tell my Spirit and mind to hush. I thank you for praying for me because I will pray for you and your wife. God is Good though. It’s funny how we can give others advice but we can’t take are on advice. I want you to look to God even when things seem to be going crazy. God is Good. What always comes back to me is “hat God has joined together let no man tear apart.” I realize our tongue is for life or death. I just start to say what I want to happen; but while you’re asking God to change you, ask him to change your wife while he is changing you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Rita as I read the Bible on how to love my wife I know I failed. I ask God every day to restore my marriage and all the marriages that need help. I know that God wanted to show us the way and that there is a lesson to be learned. I have put my trust in God. I know God is good and that He hates divorce. Sometimes we don’t understand why these things are happening to us but we must be strong and believe that God has a plan for our lives. I love my wife so much and the more I pray the more I love her. Every day I pray that God will heal all the troubled marriages and show all the people the way to real love and to bring them closer to Him. Keep on praying and trusting God.
(UNITED STATES) I know that God is going to restore my marriage and heal every area in our marriage and our home. i will do Exceedingly and Abundantly above all that we ask or think. I know that at times that are circumstances get in the way of us letting Go and Letting God do what he wants with us.
THE FOUR BLESSED LOOKS
Look back and ‘Thank’ God.
Look forward and ‘Trust’ God.
Look around and ‘Serve’ God.
Look within and ‘Find’ God!’
‘I asked God, ‘How do I get the best out of life?’ God said, ‘Face your past without regrets. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear!”
‘Without God, our week is: Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday, Shatterday and Sinday. So, allow Him to be with you every day!’
‘Life is short, so forgive quickly. Believe slowly.. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. Never regret anything that makes you happy. And have a wonderful journey!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I AM MARRIED FOR 8 YEARS NOW AND I HAVE A 4 YEAR OLD SON. I HAVE CONTEMPLATED DIVORCE ALMOST 3 TIMES NOW BECAUSE OF MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. EVER SINCE MY FATHER-IN-LAW PASSED AWAY SHE HAS BECOME VERY DEPENDENT ON MY HUSBAND WHO IS THE ONLY SON. HE HAS 3 SISTERS AS WELL. I FEEL I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME WITH HIM. I FEEL HE IS SLOWLY SLIPPING AWAY FROM ME. WE DON’T EVEN COMMUNICATE WELL.
WHILE I AM ASLEEP HE IS WATCHING TV AND WE DON’T HAVE QUALITY TIME TOGETHER. I DON’T WANT A DIVORCE ESPECIALLY BECAUSE OF MY BABY, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS TO ME? IT IS LIKE HIS MOTHER ALWAYS TAKES FIRST PLACE AND I TAKE SECOND. WHAT DO I DO? SPEAKING TO HER DOES NOT HELP BECAUSE THEN SHE GETS SICK AND LANDS IN THE HOSPITAL. AFTER HER HUSBAND DIED SHE BECOMES DEPRESSED EASILY. WHICH OTHER WAY CAN I DEAL WITH THIS? THANKS.
(UNITED STATES) I am a concerned sister, my brother is going through so much. He is very young. In High School he got his girlfriend pregnant and has ended up in a bad situation. He is not living with his ex and the baby. She lives in Arizona and he lives in Colorado.
He works full-time and has been giving a chunk of his pay check and has supported his baby. He has been trying to visit his baby on his days off but they have purposely avoided him. He has been so sad and to make it worse now, they have put a restraining order against him.
From my point of view they are trying to hurt him in all ways possible. One after another, she leads him on and then pushes him away. I understand if she’s over him, but that doesn’t give her a reason to keep their daughter from seeing him. He just needs lots of prayer. I love him and I hate to see him sad. I am a mother myself and I can’t imagine missing the first year of my daughter’s life because they were so precious. (Tear) Thank you, and May God bless you all.
(USA) My husband has abandoned me, accused me, and confided any personal problem we’ve had to all of his friends.
All but one of them have formed this terrible opinion of me because of all he’s divulged to them… Most of his friends are female, and a specific one with an agenda. People I don’t even know. He gave one of them my phone numbers and my email addresses, the one whom has such hatred for me, and I feel violated by that… He chose to believe the worst about me and forsook me for other people… When he had to make a choice to defend a person, it wasn’t the one he made his vows to, but it was to his posy of women friends…
What was supposed to be under the blood and forgiven, he has made me re-live over and over until I can not repent anymore…
I have never even so much as looked at another man, so there’s no adultery nor fornication involved in our separation. He is now publicly declaring his singleness and actually made public statements online to a sister that he and I are "no longer"… If I were to do this very same thing (which I haven’t and wouldn’t), he would call me an adulteress and say that I was seeking for another man… Yet he is public that he is single and available!
We haven’t spoken in almost 2 weeks, which I suppose is good because he just hurts my feelings anyway and accuses, so I’m better off not listening to the negative things he has to say about me, but I’m still hurting… I am bound to my covenant and will never never betray my vows… Please pray for me…
(USA) Please pray for my family and I. There has been a lot of anger and lack of communication in our marriage. My wife left the state I am living in with the children to see family 3 weeks ago; now she says she is not coming back and is filing for separation.
I have confessed to her and God my wrong doings and my part in this and have told herI am willing to do anything and everything to reconcile, but she says she has been too hurt and is not willing to go on. Please pray for her healing, I know I have not treated her fairly, and ask God for His will to be done in this. Thank You.
(U.S) I am currently going through a divorce. My wife filed for it. I admit that I could have been a better husband to her. I was not unfaithful but I was mentally abusive. I have since gotten back on the right path and am following God as I should, but my wife’s heart remains hardened and she won’t stop with the divorce proceedings. I believe that God does perform miracles and I’m praying that he will intercede on our behalf and restore our marriage. I know God hates divorce and I’m praying that he restores her love for me and returns our family back better than what it was before. Please pray for me to have strength and patience and pray for my wife to have an awakening and realize that if God can change someone like me he can save our marriage.
(UK) Rudy, Sorry to hear about your divorce. I wish people would realise how damaging mental abuse is – it is worse than physical abuse. People should say “I was only physically abusive” instead of “only emotionally or verbally or mentally abusive”. Physical abuse doesn’t touch the real person and that is why women are so much more affected by emotional or mental abuse and that’s why so many marriages are beyond repair because of it.
If you have not changed for more than 2 years, I think trust is going to be the issue for her. Also, changes for an abusive man should be along the lines of “I am changing to be happy for my wife as she heals, grows and learns to be herself”, not “I am changing so she can return.” Not only is it risky for her to trust because the cost is too high if she is wrong and the abuse returns, she may wonder why she needs to be with a person who didn’t know it wasn’t acceptable in the first place.
Most people can quote “God hates divorce” but don’t forget the rest of the verse – He hates it when the man covers his partner with violence. The reason He hates it is because it violates the covenant of marital oneness and forces a couple to be broken, first emotionally, then eventually, physically when one cannot put up with it anymore. As much as God is for marriage, He will not force your wife to return to a marriage that she feels will not protect her from harm. God’s love for her is greater than His love for the marriage.
Sorry to be blunt, but if I were her, there would still be red flags. Your statement “my wife’s heart remains hardened” can be called verbally abusive. See Patricia Evans’ book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. You are telling us the state of her heart – only she can define that reality. To tell someone else what his/her reality is, is like going inside her head and that is violating his/her boundary.
(USA) As long as you apply Patricia Evans stuff evenly, I’d tend to agree. The same standard has to be applied to those women (or men) who say their abusive spouse will never change.
Now, there is reasonable cause for not trusting. But when that mistrust extends to the victim saying they know the state of the heart of their alleged abuser, are they not also being abusive?
I simply want the same standard applied. If it’s abusive for him to say she has hardened her heart, it’s just as abusive for a women to say she has greater intuition than her husband, or that women are better at communicating or relationships or any of those other comparisons that call upon the one making the judgment to presume to know something about the heart of another person.
So by Patricia Evans own standard, not only can the husband not say the wife has hardened her heart here, but the wife cannot say he will never change. Otherwise, you are allowing a double standard where one party is allowed to make a judgment, but the other is not. Either both are allowed, or neither is allowed. Either neither of them are being abusive, or both are. Pick a standard and be consistent is all I ask. Don’t apply the standard differently to different people.
(UK) The standard should apply to all, regardless of gender. In my experience in the field, most women not only hope that their husbands can and will change, they act on false changes. In fact, most are in denial about the abuse themselves and can severely attack anyone from the law enforcement authorities who try to help.
As for the statement that women are better at communication or have greater perception, it is no different to saying men are better at spacial judgement, have more physical strength or have a height advantage. These are generalisations and there are exceptions. If I say I have a strength, it doesn’t mean that I am defining your reality for you. But if I say “You are…” or “You have…” then that is verbal abuse. Her book explains it very clearly.
(USA) But most don’t say I have a strength. They say I am better…. or we are better. Which IS DEFINING another person. Defining them to be inferior.
When someone says women are better parents, that comes at the cost of men being defined as inferior, which passes the test of how Patricia Evans defines verbal abuse.
(UK) Women are not better parents than men. Neither are men better parents – they have different roles. But each gender has its own strength, and in those areas, that gender is better. That is not denigrating of the other, nor making an assumption, or presuming to know what is in the other heart. It is simply a celebration of the way God has designed things. Both men and women can rejoice in it.
My husband is happy for me that I am better at some things. He doesn’t take offense in it because he knows that he is better at other things, and he is not an inferior person just because he does not have the advantages of being a woman.
BUT if I say to him, “You are a …” or “You have this attitude…” that’s different. That’s defining. And that’s verbal abuse.
(US) I pray that there is restortion in your marriage. I pray that there will be an awakening in your wife’s heart.
Pray day and night in your wife’s name. Find scriptures in the Bible where God has promised the desires of our heart, that are just.
I am also going through a divorce. My husband left the home and created a child outside the marriage and he resides with this woman. We have been separated for four years as a result of this. He has made constant attempts to reach out to me over the years but I was devastated and ignored his attempts. Now I regret it.
Two months ago we spent time together and it was like we never parted. Then once again the memories and the pain came back and I once again distanced myself. The next thing I knew he filed for divorce.
Please pray for restoration in my marriage and a change my husband’s heart and shape him into a man of integrity, as I will pray for your marriage also. God said that when two or more are gathered together in his name, there is blessing and power. You are not alone.
(USA) Today I asked my husband to move out after 20 years of marriage. We have no children and I’ve been battling his alcohol use for many years. I love God so much and pray for a change in my husband and have seen many miracles, but I am at my end with his drinking and driving, that it has literally brought strain on our relationship. I do not believe in divorce, but I am tired and have prayed for his deliverance, but after 20 years I am tired! I’ve read the Bible for answers and I just am hurting and tired. Just please pray that I did the right thing in asking him to move out! I am waiting on direction from the Lord cause I do not know where to turn! Natalie (Tired & hurting)
(US) My husband told my two girls and I that he wanted a divorce on Sunday night. He has a calling on his life to preach but is running from the Lord. I know that it is not God’s plan for us to divorce but he has a hard heart and is not willing to compromise. I know that God can work it out if everyone will pray and believe. Thank You, Lavonda
(USA) My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have 2 children together ages 3 and 9 months and I’m pregnant again. All of a sudden my husband doesn’t want to be with me no more because he feels like he is too young. We are both young actually 23 & 22. I don’t feel that way, even when we got married. I was a vigrin when I met him, and so was he. We both grew up knowing the Word of God.
No one is cheating on anyone. I think it is stress that is a major factor. We are both students and work full time. All though his mother watches our kids whenever we need too for work and school. I tell him I don’t want it that we need to go to Christian counseling, and yet he still refuses. I recently moved out and got my own apartment while he stayed at the other one. I’m in need of prayers bad. I don’t want to have stressful problems especially with being pregnant. I want to save my marriage, I pray everyday, so if you could please keep our family in your prayers. Thank you and God Bless.
(DUBAI) Hi Rachel, I really feel for you my dear, and will keep you in my prayers. The thing is you guys are still very young and then being parents at the same time can be burdening, and school and work, omg, you surely have a load. The Lord is good, and can work miracles.
I think in your case, since it is not infidelity or any form of abuse, it’s just that the load is too much for him to bear. Maybe he even thinks he is not doing enough. Don’t take advantage of the time you are separate and complicate things further by getting involved in other relationships, be it for comfort or whatever reasons. Use this time to pray to God and ask him to come through in your marriage. Give your husband time to weigh his options and he will surely come around and realise that he has a responsibility i.e. you and the kids. So be strong, work hard, pray and God will surely hear you.
(US) Please pray for our marriage. My wife of 7 years left 9/1/09. She says she no longer wants to be married, she wants to be single and “go with the flow”. She brought 2 daughters into the marriage and we have a 5 yr old son. This is very hard on him; he cries a lot.
It has been confirmed that she is going through the “Change of Life” at 38. I am praying that God will direct her back to Him. She no longer attends church, says she doesn’t need to have prayer and that God has told her to divorce as He wants her to be happy.
I am not stating all the problems are her fault, I have my fair share of the blame. It does however, hurt knowing that she isn’t walking with God like she used to walk. We are supposed to sign divorce papers March 10th. I am asking for all to pray that God will touch our marriage, her heart and bring us back together and let our story be one of praise and glory to God our Father… Thanks and God Bless, Jerry
(DUBAI) Hi Jerry, If indeed your wife is going through ‘mid life crisis’, then I urge you to remain steadfast in the Lord. I think she may just be wanting a second chance to go through a stage she missed in life. Maybe she got married before experiencing living on her own and she thinks it’s such a big deal and this is the time to experience that.
This too shall pass, be assured. All these things are all in vain. She will get the freedom and then what? She will surely miss having a home and children and a husband. I know that nobody is perfect, so don’t feel sorry that maybe it’s something that you did or didn’t do. Ok may be it is, but your story is quite prayable and redeemable.
(SOUTH AFRICA) it is possible that I and my husband will get back together again after we have been divorced for 5 years and now he is married to another one?
(S.AFRICA) Hi All, I have learned so much from reading the above scriptures and from some of the comments. My wife filed for divorce February 9, 2010 after 3 years of marriage, she keeps telling me that in the bible is says you can divorce for emotional abuse, and once we are divorced we may not get married again. I kept arguing with her about this, and now I have found the scriptures that I will send her. I ask that you pray for her Heart and her mind and that she will open up to reconsiliation.
I admit that I abused my wife emotionally and verbally. I have changed, and am seeing a counselor. She says she notices a big change in me but still refuses to even think about reconciliation. God Bless all of you.
(USA) My wife left in March and took all my possessions. She had her family and friends do this while I was at work. I still love her but I waffle back and forth between wanting vengeance and forgiveness. I know I wasn’t a perfect husband, but the Lord got me a job several hours out of town and my wife did not wish to move and left when I got us a place to go. I never forced her; I even offered to come home on weekends as usual but it was not good enough for her.
She filed for divorce before all this took place and her demands are very unrealistic. Plus she was and is still being hateful about it.
God is blessing me but I need this over with one way or another. I am tired of straddling the fence, and now she is trying to take everything else I own including most of my paycheck and I just wish something good would happen to me. I am tired of being used and stomped on all of the time by people who say they love me. I never cheated on her but I am pretty sure she is cheating on me. Help me Lord… I can bear this no longer. It’s killing me.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am a 38 year old woman who has been married for 14 years but legally only married for 4 years. A little background… my husband and i got married Muslim the first time, after 10 years of marriage he had an affair. I left him; the hurt was too much to bear. He begged for reconciliation and after counselling with a Pastor we agreed that only if we have God in our lives and are not unequally yoked can the marriage survive. He then agreed to convert to Christianity and we got remarried the proper way in Church.
We both gave our hearts to the Lord and were living a blissful life for 1 year but then the devil attacked my husband and he stopped going to church and started drinking heavily. I tried to fight the curse but it just seemed to make things worse. He abuses me physically, verbally and mentally. It got so bad that I had a miscarriage, but I chose to forgive and lied to him regarding the miscarriage. But about a month ago, he came home drunk again and I went through the usual saga. I lost it and told him that he killed our baby. I love my husband dearly but cannot take the abuse any longer. My children are living in a very unhappy home with 2 parents fighting all the time.
We now live separate lives and don’t even greet each other any more. My teenager has told me repeatedly to leave my husband, but I am just too scared to walk away and start all over again. I come from a broken home and don’t want that for my kids but my husband refuses to accept he has a drinking problem and constantly insults me.
Please give me some advice on what to do. I have been praying and have read many self home books including the Stormie Omatian power of prayer books
(ZIMBABWE) Hie, I’ve probably joined these discussions late but I’m so thankfull to God for allowing me to share with you. I got my divorce certificate last month after having believed God for a restoration of my marriage for a long time BUT I’m here to share that God is Love and Faithful, what He promised He will surely fulfill (Jeremiah 29:11)! I am more in love and I trust with Him more. Just like the Hebrew boys in the book of Daniel, I will not bow down.
My husband, a Christian, left me for another woman claiming I was only convenient for him while he was waiting for his soulmate and now that he has found her he did not need me anymore. This is another Christian lady! Sometimes I look at them now with two kids, a thriving business and everything seems to be working well for them while I struggle with my two kids and I ask God when is it going to be my turn? Help me stay strong.
(USA) Hey everyone, I’m going through some rough times right now and I have no one to talk to. My husband of 7 years and I are getting a divorce. Long story short we both strayed away from God and made some bad decisions. I hurt him and he hurt me. Now he is in love with another person. I love him with all my heart. I guess it just took me a little bit to realize how much I really loved him.
I was foolish and took advantage of him. I lied and cheated on him, and for what?? To satisfy a sinful curiosity. Now I have to live with the fact that I will never get another chance to show him how much I truely do love him. Everyone is telling me to be mad at him because he cheated too. I just can’t. I’m trying to trust in God that he will change BOTH our hearts and bring us closer together in His eyes.
Our relationship was amazing when we had God within our hearts. We looked to him before any decision. We trusted in the Lord that He would provide for us, and he did. Once my son was born we started the worrys, and with worrys came fear and distrust. Before we knew it everything we based our relationship on was gone. We need your prayers. I know this message is choppy and hard to understand but its hard to type when you cant see the screen for tears. Please pray that God changes our hearts and minds so that we may love each other the way God wants us to again.
(UK) While it so sad to read some of the stories, I am actually very joyful and thankful to God that He is leading me to divorce a husband who is abusive. He cannot live without his family, being a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and because he is charming, well-spoken and successful, not everybody sees his abusive ways.
I am assured that my Father in heaven is more concerned with my wellbeing than in the preservation of the marriage institution. He doesn’t consider saving the marriage more important than saving me and saving my children, some of whom have been shattered by the abuse they have watched or experienced personally at his hands.
In the Old Testament, the Jews recognized the right of a woman to divorce if she is severely neglected (Exodus 21:10), and Jesus did not reject this. He only rejected “any cause divorce” which had crept in because the men were using lots of “causes” for divorce. Since Deuteronomy said that you could not divorce except for the “cause” of immorality, they began to wonder about other “Causes” and gradually began to add other “causes”.
God hates a man putting away a woman (that is, pushing her away through abusive behaviour and causing a break in the covenant) and covering her with violence. He does not hate divorce when a woman has to leave an abusive husband. In fact, it is quite ridiculous to think that God would hate a piece of paper, because that is what divorce is. No, He hates attitudes of the heart that destroy. But when divorce saves a family from evil, then He supports it.
Of course, this is not what my husband would say. He is going around saying that I am resentful and bitter over his hurtful treatment of us, the “mistakes” he has made and the fact that he is “not perfect”. And unfortunately, most Christians are not familiar with domestic abuse and will believe his manipulative stories. So they are praying for our marriage. I know God isn’t.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Daughter of God, what you are going through or I must say what you went through has given me the strength for me to move forward and be happy with the decision that I took also to divorce my husband. His behavior is exactly like your husband’s. For over 9 years now it has become a norm that he would disappear for days and not come home. And when he does, he would act as though nothing has happened and life just goes on for him.
I believe that God loves me too much to see me go through all this trouble. I have tried all that I can, counselling etc but he looks at me as though I am a fool and he says I will never leave him. I once filed for a divorce but when he promised to change I gave another chance and at the time I was also not ready to be on my own. Now 5 years later, I know that the LORD will make a way for me because I have not done my husband any wrong BUT all that I did was to love him and forgave him. I am still trusting God to see me through.
(USA) Please help me understand how Exodus 21:10 allows for divorce in the case of abuse. It’s a conditional statement, “If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights.” Has your husband married another woman? If not, then I don’t see how this applies. It’s a strange bending of scripture to try to fit this into an allowance for divorce.
1 Corinthians 7 is pretty clear, the believer is NOT to choose divorce. The only possible exception is if there is sexual unfaithfulness. That doesn’t mean you have to stick around to be abused. Separation is a valid choice. But I don’t believe God’s intention for the believer is to choose divorce.
However, I also don’t believe that if a spouse is not a believer or is acting as an unbeliever that we are to fight against their divorce action. I base that on Matthew 18 and 1 Corinthians 7. But we, as believers are not to divorce a spouse willing to be married to us.
(UK) Tony, Exodus 21:10 refers to the rights of slave that is taken as a wife. In those days, the rights of a wife were considered greater than that of a slave. So what it is saying is that the second slave taken as a wife should be given the same rights of a wife. Wives in those days who were neglected could ask for a divorce. (Documents found from the time of Jesus indicate this.) However, if a man simply wanted to divorce his wife for a trivial cause, he was not to take her back later and thus humiliate her.
1 Corinthians 7 refers to two types of leaving. A woman is not to leave (the Greek word there refers as much to divorce as to separate) her husband. But if she does, she is to remain unmarried (you cannot be unmarried if you still have a husband, so the woman is divorced). However, in later verses, Paul addresses the desertion of an unbelieving spouse. Many theologians agree that this includes behaviour that causes one to leave. In other words, actions that push away a spouse and breaks the covenant. Every time a spouse breaks the marriage covenant by causing death to the relationship by abusive behaviour, he or she has left. A churchgoing person who “reviles”/”verbally abuses” is considered an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 6). Also Matthew 18 says that an abuser that doesn’t change should be treated as a pagan.
In those cases of desertion, the woman is not under bondage, or not under the same prohibition as the earlier verses. “God has called us to peace” – God doesn’t expect the spouse to continue living in oppression, strife, etc. Just because a spouse is willing to be married doesn’t mean that we should be married to that person. The reason the person is willing to be married could be a dependent one – this could be a type of idolatry. An abusive person who is truly repentant will release the abused partner into safety while seeking healing and heart change for one’s behaviour.
There are many well-known treatises that delve rigorously into this. What I know is that it makes sense. God is not so concerned with a piece of paper – He is concerned about the safety and well-being of His beloved children. The reputation of an institution has never been His priority.
(USA) The Bible is full of accounts where believers are called to remain in what appears to the world to be unsafe circumstances. Think of Moses before Pharoah, or David facing Goliath, or Gideon, or others. God doesn’t call anyone to run, but to trust that He will protect them.
Is there a situation where God tells His people to run from danger? I don’t think so. So if that’s the case, I really don’t see any call for a believer to divorce an abusive spouse.
Again, I’m not saying stick around and be a punching bag. I’m saying God doesn’t want folks making decisions that go counter to what He has said. Since scripture says He didn’t intend for divorce to be, I don’t see any Godly justification for the choice of divorce. The only exception God has given is for marital unfaithfulness.
Of course God is worried about the heart. After all, a spouse who chooses divorce is the one He’s talking about with respect to the hardness of heart. God says He doesn’t like the hardness of heart. I simply believe that hardness of heart may be present not in the “sinning” spouse, but in the spouse who chooses divorce. Why would a believer knowingly choose the hard hearted choice, knowing God hates that hardness of heart?
It may be that BOTH spouses have a hardness of heart, and I suspect that is true in most cases. But again, if the believer knows God is against this hardness of heart, why would a believer even consider hardening his or more commonly her heart to their spouse? I think the hardness of heart scriptures are a clear warning to believers NOT to choose divorce.
(UK) God led Moses to deliverance over Pharaoh – the very promise God gave me regarding my situation – that I would have an Exodus. Most spouses do not leave at the first sign of danger – like Moses, they would have tried many times to engage and try to address the situation. In fact, most spouses leave only when they are severely damaged and have no option. That’s why Proverbs 27:25 says “The prudent person foresees danger and flees”. And don’t forget Joseph was led to take little Jesus away from danger.
You seem to use circular logic with regards to the hard heart: A spouse that chooses divorce is the one with a hard heart. Why? Because God hates the hardness of heart. Why? Because he/she chooses divorce.
I think one can choose to divorce out of a hard heart. But when one doesn’t have a hard heart, and is being led to divorce because there is sin in the other spouse, and not to divorce would be allowing that sin to thrive and damage the children, then to choose divorce is not a sign of a hard heart. It is a sign of commitment to righteousness.
The amazing thing is that non-Christian domestic violence workers wonder what it is that keeps women staying in those relationships. It is so embarrassing to reveal to them that in the case of Christians, it is because of a belief that our God does not allow divorce for domestic violence, a crime in the eyes of the law! No wonder they have a warped view of God.
If you acknowledge that you should should not stick around, then you can see why people choose to separate. And if the separation is permanent, a piece of paper isn’t going to offend God because in all respects that couple is living apart and has no relationship. Or a divorce may be inevitable because abusive spouses will use the fact that they are still married to harrass, intimidate and “hook” the other party and deny the other spouse to any financial provision. And besides, the cost of reconciling to a spouse who has only pretended to change is far too great. Who is going to compensate them for listening to Christians who insist they have to forgive and reconcile because God cannot handle the breaking of a marriage?
At the end of the day, people can debate as much theology as they like. I don’t think God is too worried about theology – it’s people He loves. What really counts is heart obedience to Him. The love, joy and peace in our family since initiating divorce is real – we are closer to God than ever before.
(USA) So let them accuse their abuser in the courts. Make it public knowledge. Prove the case. Go through the process not only in the courts, but the Matthew 18 process.
Too many just want to divorce, but not do any of the actual work required prior. So the decision to divorce is made in an emotional charged state, not in one where a unbiased 3rd party looks at the facts and renders a verdict.
If abuse is against the law, and it is, why just divorce? Why not send them to jail? Isn’t God in the business of redeeming folks? After all, Paul was either directly killing Christians or having them killed, or wanted them killed before his conversion. The same God who can do that, can redeem any other abuser on the planet.
What if, by prosecuting, (not divorcing) abusers, that person can be redeemed? What if by taking an alleged believing abuser through the Matthew 18 process he/she can be shown the error of his/her ways? By simply divorcing them, all you do is find safety for yourself. You don’t warn society about the person, and they don’t face the natural consequences for what they’ve done.
As a Christian, while I understand the desire to no longer be married to such a person, I also understand that the entire story of the scriptures is about redemption of those who don’t seem redeemable. Leave the judgments of if they will or will not be redeemed up to God. Let God harden their hearts, so that if they will not be redeemed, THEY choose the divorce, much like the story of Pharaoh, where God hardened his heart. But do not harden your own heart against your spouse, regardless what you think of what they are doing.
So yes, a spouse choosing to divorce can indeed be the one with a hard heart. I’m not saying they are the only one with a hard heart. I’m saying we are all human, and if we reject the possibility that God can redeem that person, then yes, we have hardened our very heart against both God and that person.
Just as in the story of Moses before Pharaoh, Moses did not harden his heart against Pharaoh. Instead, he continued to petition Pharaoh. God, knowing the heart of Pharaoh, permanently hardened Pharaohs heart.
Since we cannot know the future, we have to trust that God knows the heart of another, and provide a solution that doesn’t involve us doing things God says he hates.
(UK) Hi, all, here is an excerpt from rbc.org/bible-study – the publishers of Our Daily Bread:
Moses did more than describe God’s sacred purpose for marriage (Genesis 2). He also wrote laws granting the protection of divorce to the most powerless and socially disadvantaged women in Israel. Even for daughters who were sold into slavery to pay for a family’s financial debt (Exodus 21:7-11), and for foreign women captured as spoils of war (Deuteronomy 21:10-14), Moses made laws granting protection from husbands who showed willful disregard and neglect of their marital obligations.
In another law, Moses allowed a husband to divorce his wife with only one surprising restriction: he could not marry the same woman again if she was divorced or widowed from another man in the meantime (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). In a legal system severe enough to require the death penalty for those who committed adultery, Moses recognized hard-hearted cruelty that could be worse than divorce.
But is it right for us to call attention to these Mosaic laws when Jesus corrected religious leaders who were quoting Moses’ tolerance for divorce?
Jesus repeatedly corrected the misuse of Moses. When talking to self-centered men who were looking for legal loopholes to divorce “for any reason,” He talked about the importance of marital permanence. To such men, the Lord emphasized that God’s original intent was that marriage be a lifelong relationship.
But it would be a mistake to assume that Jesus would respond to a victim of domestic abuse in the same way. In parallel situations dealing with other laws, Jesus respected the intent of the law as well as its words.
Consider, for instance, the way He applied Sabbath law that, under Moses, required the death penalty for infraction. According to the gospel of Luke, Jesus went into a synagogue on the Sabbath and healed a woman who had been bent over for 18 years. When the ruler of the synagogue saw what Jesus had done, he was angry and accused Jesus of violating the no-work policy of the seventh day. Jesus, however, showed that it was the leader of the synagogue who misunderstood the intent of Sabbath law (Luke 13:10-16). In a similar incident, Jesus later asked, “Which of you, having a donkey or an ox that has fallen into a pit, will not immediately pull him out on the Sabbath day?” (14:5).
On another occasion, Jesus recognized other exceptions based on the intent of the law and said, “The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath” (Mark 2:23-27). By the same principle, we can safely say that marriage was made for people. People were not made for marriage.
But what if we aren’t sure that it makes sense to reach back to the Old Testament for practical guidelines today? If we’re wondering, remember the following.
Paul encouraged his readers to find spiritual insight in the whole counsel of God. So he wrote, “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16). Even though he wrote these words in the days of the New Testament, Paul saw that when the timeless principles of the Law and Prophets are rightly interpreted and applied, they offer us guidance for working through broken relationships.
So when a daughter, sister, or friend tells a personal story of marital abuse, we need to be careful. Let’s believe them until we have reason not to. And if their plight is real, they don’t need to be told again about headship, submission, forgiveness, and the threat of losing church membership. They need to know that the God of Moses and Jesus cares not only about marital permanence, but also for those who are caught in abuse that is worse than protective separation and divorce.
Father in heaven, forgive us for multiplying the pain of those who are living with abusively hard-hearted spouses. Please give us the wisdom we need to offer help and consolation to those who are grieving lost hopes and dreams. –Mart De Haan
(UK) I agree with you, Tony. Matthew 18 should apply. It did in my case. The difficulty is in the treating the person like a “pagan” part. My husband didn’t really take in the counsel of the elders, but whenever he does show up in church, he is welcomed and whoever hasn’t heard his story before will listen to him and give him sympathy and try to engage the elders, not knowing that he has gone through the whole process before. He can convince anyone that he is or has changed, or doesn’t know how to change. Only the facilitators of the batterers programme gave a report to the court that he had failed the course. His lawyer ignored that report, and no one from church knew about that report. The judge only gave it minimal consideration because he got good references from reputable people and a good report from the Christian therapist, who didn’t know about domestic abuse. The judge handed him a light sentence, with no jail time. From what I hear, this is the norm (the police had predicted it).
My husband is claiming that he wants to change, but he is not getting enough help and that God is not changing him. At the end of the day, I have a responsibility to look after myself and my children. I don’t want us to be a statistic. It got to a stage where I couldn’t be sure that my children would not harm him or each other, that he wouldn’t seriously harm us or that I wouldn’t kill him or all of us in desperation.
So you are right – there should be a collaborated effort. The consequences and pressure must be felt from all levels of society – legally, familially and socially. If no one tolerates it, then the abuser will feel the unacceptability of it and come out of denial. But as long as he is able to get his allies and sympathisers to agree with him that he is the victim, this is not going to happen.
(USA) And that would go a lot further than a divorce. If he’s abusive, he already lacks respect, so divorcing him doesn’t encourage him to change. After all, from his frame of reference (or hers in the case of my ex-wife) they are not the problem, it’s the other person.
But if the courts would actually do something about abuses, all sorts of abuses, such as adultery (emotional and possibly verbal and physical abuse) or other means of verbal, emotional or physical abuse, then the abuser would see that perhaps THEY are the problem. But as long as we just quietly allow abusers to be let off the hook by divorce, then how will they see they are the problem.
Personally, I’m not necessarily against divorce for more causes. I’m specifically against NO FAULT DIVORCE where the one seeking the divorce does not have to prove marital misconduct. This allows abusive people to continue their abuse by divorcing a spouse and potentially taking the children, the marital assets, and even forcing a spouse out of (typically his home) who is guilty of ZERO marital misconduct.
Let them prove the other person is guilty of those things if they want marital assets. If they just want to have their affair without the husband being around, or simply have “fallen out of love” or whatever tissue thin excuse they’ve given for their divorce, we can’t hold them based on Matthew 18 (acting as an unbeliever) and 1 Corinthians 7, (let the unbeliever go if he/she wants to go.
But why should such a person be allowed to take the children away from the betrayed spouse? Why should they get 1/2 or more of the marital assets when they want to abandon the marriage? Why should we even consider allowing them to stay in the marital home if they no longer want to be married? Make them prove marital misconduct before they get a penny of the marital assets. Make them prove marital misconduct before they are the primary custodian of children of the marriage.
As long as we allow no fault divorce, we legally sanction continued abuse of faithful spouses and having children raised by a parent who is setting the example that vows are meaningless. This is abusive towards the betrayed spouse and it’s abusive towards the children of that marriage.
(UK) Yes, I get your point about no fault divorce. It’s not right that a person can use that to their manipulative and cruel advantage. It must have been devastating for you.
Regarding your question as to how divorcing my husband would encourage him to change, I see encouragement to change as part of working within a relationship. Divorcing is putting an end to a marriage. It is not done, and indeed, should never be done, with the intention of changing a spouse. His change is not my responsibility, though I pray for his sake that he does change.
My divorce is an action I take to protect our lives, not to help him change his. Now I know why God led me to do this – because He is first and foremost, my Saviour. He saves people first, not marriages. When people are truly saved and made whole, marriages will be beautiful. Not perfect, but life-giving and Christ-reflecting.
(USA) At this momment me and my ex husband are currently separate and I filed for divorce. Is it wrong? He has been physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Is it wrong for me to go and leave knowing this? We were married for 2 yrs an 9mths. I am currently interested in other people. But I just don’t know now after getting on this site.
(CANADA) I grew up being taught very strictly that divorce was the biggest sin. I was married for 19 years in a very abusive relationship. I stayed in the marriage for that many years for a few reasons, #1 I loved my wife #2 my kids #3 what I had been taught about divorce being such a big sin.
My opinion on divorce is a lot different now than what I was taught. I believe that every effort should be given to make the marriage work, but this only works if both partners put effort into it, which in our case, she didn’t want to put effort into it. I won’t go into the details of how she was abusive to me or my children, all I am trying to say is divorce should always be the last option, after all other options have been exhausted, and to make sure you did your very best to make it work through a lot of prayer.
It took me a lot of years to learn that you cannot change somebody. All you can do is change yourself. Also, God will never force anybody to change, so neither can we, just like you cannot make somebody happy if they don’t want to be happy. So my conclusion is that Divorce should never be taken lightly, but after many years of being in a unhappy marriage where my spouse did not want to admit to her problems, where my spouse did not want to be happy, and where my spouse would not even consider her children, I finally came to the decision after much prayer that if God wants me and my children to be happy then what am I doing in this marriage where happiness was not and did not seem possible?
So after 19 years of marriage we were separated again for I don’t know how many times. I finally told her that I was not going to let her hurt me or the children again, that there was still a chance for reconciliation for a time, but after a while if she was not willing to reconcile I would move on. I gave her time but she never did seem interested to reconcile, so I made a choice 2 years ago now to move on. And the day I made that choice for the first time in years, I felt truly happy and free.
I am now remarried and happy in my relationship. My ex wife is still living in her anger and bitterness. So divorce should always be the very last resort, after you make sure you have done everything to make the marriage work. But if the other spouse is not willing and your marriage is over anyway, then and only then, do I believe you are justified in a divorce.
(USA) My husband decided this week he wants a divorce; I don’t. He thinks we rushed into it after a year and two months of marriage. I don’t believe in divorce. There’s no adultry, no abuse, he just isn’t in love with me but wants me to grant him a divorce. He doesn’t want to work it out or separate. He’s got people in his ear, his family thinks he’s being stupid because he won’t tell me to my face or talk to me without texting. I want my marriage to work and for his love to go back to the way it was. Please agree with me in prayer.
(GERMANY) Hi Chitquitita, I will pray for you and your marriage. My wife of 14 years informed me in Dec 2010 that she did not love me anymore. Mar 22, 2011 after our counseling session together she restated that the marriage was over and that I should move on because she has lost all feelings for me and that she could not love me like a wife should love a husband. We have two wonderful kids together.
Of course, I do not want a divorce but at the same time if she is not willing to work on the problems in the marriage and states she does not love me anymore why would I want somebody who does not want me anymore? I will not fight for her any longer as I told her and the counselor my priorities are now serving God and my two boys.
Focus on God and start changing yourself to be a better you, and see how you can serve others less fortunate than yourself. God will bless you beyond belief!!
(USA) Please pray for my family. My wife went on a girls weekend away and upon her return, she asked for a divorce because she “just cannot do this anymore” and she “deserves to be happy.” We have been married for 12 years. She was unfaithful 18 months into the marriage. We tried to reconcile but she never really dealt with the reasons behind why she cheated. Her behavior never changed (whereas mine did in the sense that I was no longer out partying, drinking, smoking, etc.).
What my part in all of this is, that I wouldn’t stand for the continued wayward behavior (i.e. bar-hopping & dressing provacatively while she has a husband & 4 children at home). I don’t want a divorce, but I don’t think that this marriage can continue like this either. I want my chldren to grow up as Godly men & women. I have asked the Lord to forgive my failures & shortcomings concerning my marriage. I ask that the Lord would continue to work in me and open the eyes of my wife’s heart so that she may see what is really happening around her. Thank you. Blessing to all in this forum. I pray that the Lord would strengthen our spirits, renew our minds, heal our bodies, mend our broken hearts, & restore our souls. Amen.
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I separated in 2007 due to him having a sex addiction and several women fulfilling it. I really don’t know who he is actually with. I know that her name is Kim and that she thinks that he is different to her. I used to see things he would write on the internet and it would be the same phases he had said to me. Our divorce was final in 2009 and haven’t even gone out with anyone else. I feel like if I do I will be guilty of something.
I was married for 14 years not counting the two in court and we had no children. The other woman wanted all of what we had. My parents had given me a lot of inheritance in the house and they are still alive. He didn’t get but about 10% of everything but it was still very hard. Anyway, I have always worked and he left me when I was sick with depression. I had taken a short term leave which became LT so they didn’t save my position. I had worked at the company for 7 years and could not go back due to people being laid off afterwards. The depression was mainly because of the things that were being revealed to me along the way.
On top of everything he paid for my cousin’s wife’s divorce while married to me. I knew something was going on and I was always told I was crazy. So to make it short two marriages ended up in divorce. Also, he dropped me from his insurance when I had him on mine for over ten years. My family and I were faced with an enemy that we loved so very much and never thought he would ever do the things he did. My late Grandma was a woman of God and stated God had answered her prayers in providing me with a great man. We dated for two and a half years and nothing but his family situation would have given me a clue that my marriage would end. His mother was 15 and his Dad was 65 when he was born. On top of that his Uncle was actually his brother and he did not find out about that until his father died. His mother ran out on his Dad after 14 years of marriage and lied to both her children in order for them to be with her.
My Ex told me a lot of other things about his homelife and even took me to people ‘s houses to confirm his issues his mother started prior to us dating because his mother refused to talk to him or me and I wasn’t going to marry him thinking I was the only problem between them. Everyone backed him in saying that his mother was the way he had proclaimed her to be and she was just mad because we gave him a home when he needed her the most. My ex did live downstairs in my parents house but paid 250 per month rent and did not sleep with me. My mother is a very Christian lady and made the rules very clear to both of us. He had no place to go because his mother followed a man to a different state and my Ex refused to go with her.
I was not going to marry him but something told me not to base my feelings on how others failed him. He claimed to be a born again Christian and attended church with me. I could not have asked for a better boyfriend or husband for a total of 14 years. He ended up being the exact person he disliked which was his mother. Of course, after he left he went back to his family on occasions and blamed the whole thing on me. God, my family and myself know the truth that he had used us by making us feel sorry for him. He was a high school drop out but got his GED because I stated I was not going to date him unless he graduated high school. He did it and got excited and went to techincial school to be a car painter. He completed that as well.
It is now and I am back in school and having a hard time getting a full time job. My father paid off my house but I want so much to pay him back. I have never depended on my parents and I love them so much. I want to be doing things for them not the other way around. Please pray that a wonderful position will open in order to bring new beginnings. God has provided me work but not the great F/T great benefits position that I have always had during the course of my marriage. I feel the devil is always pushing me back. Please pray that I can overcome the anger and bitterness I feel. I just keep saying to myself why? When him and her were the ones doing the wrong. I ask God everyday to help me to forgive. I hear about people praying and their husbands returning. I did pray and really believed he would but he did not return so I figure God knew I was in a unhealthy relationship and I accept that. I just want him to act in my own life so I can move forward.
To all the woman out there with no children whose husband decided to divorce you for the woman mentioned in Proverbs chapter 6 you can WIN, just be patient. Just because you did not have children didn’t mean everything is fifty fifty. Everything depends on how the relationship ended. Sorry this was so long.
(USA) Dear Angela, I know your heart hurts more than you ever thought it could. You also know anger and fear all too well. Please step into your Father’s arms and let go. What you write shows you need Him so very much more than you are allowing.
God hates divorce. It is that simple. I too went through and still go through some very challenging stuff but here is not the place to take those things up.
You know Jesus died for your sins and that He died for ALL of OUR sins. It is that simple and that hard. Look into Paul’s writings about finding contentment no matter where you are. Peace is what we all need. Seek the peace giver and let go “trying.” So very thankfully He knows we cannot even make it to where we can so that without Him. Blessings and Peace for your journey.
(NAMIBIA) Hi, I have been married now for 2 years and have been separated from my husband for 1 week. I decided to move out because there is a history of physical abuse and possible infidelity (I am saying this because I was never able to get concrete proof). Recently he became emotionally distant and told me that he is not sure if wants to make the marriage work and does not know whether he still loves me as much as he used to. I personally think that he was seeing someone else as he started coming home at odd hours and his stories just never added up.
I tried to stay and take it all in but one day it just got too much. So I moved out and currently I have my own place. What is confusing me is that, now he tells me he loves me and wants to make this work. My question is… should I believe him and what should I do? I am confused because I have been praying for God to bring my husband back and to restore my marriage.
We have a 9 year old daughter. Please help, as I want this move to be meaningful and something positive to come out of it.
(ITALY) Please, I need an explanation because I am confused. I was married for seven years to my husband without kids; we were not Christians. My father advised me to leave my husband and try with another man to have kids, which I did. But I was not married to this second man because he has a wife and kids.
I am now born again into a deeper life. I want to pray for a husband now. My pastor said I can’t, I have to reconcile back to my husband. I approached my husband. He said he is now married to another woman; he cannot have me back.
I am lonely. Please, I want to know if God really said in his word that I cannot marry, since I was married before because I don’t want to offend God. I want serve God all my life. Please, I need a reply because I am confused.
(US) Dear Mary, I hope that this reply is not yet late & that you are still in need of direction & didn’t put matters in your own hands. You must be the main reason I stumbled upon this site. The other of course, is to pray for all those going thru divorce. It broke my heart just by reading, how much more there must be broken hearts for those who were actually involved. How much more our Father’s heart must be broken since HE loved them all, even the kids of the parents going thru it.
I was actually just looking for Scriptures on divorce [planning to respond to a letter from my pastor whose belief was that it was ok to divorce, only in case of adultery (I agree on this) & that the party who did not cause the divorce or who didn’t commit adultery can remarry (this was where I begged to disagree with him). Suddenly I was already reading the letters & the last one I read was yours. Since you said you really are confused, then please read all these Scriptures because if we follow the Word of GOD, we can never go wrong. Please remember to pray for the Holy Spirit to guide you into all of these truths:
1) Deuteronomy 22:19, “She shall continue to be his wife; he must not divorce her as long as he lives.”
2) Malachi 2:16, “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel…
3) Matthew 19:6, “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
4) Matthew 19:9, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
5) Matthew 5:32, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.”
6) Mark 10:12, “And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”
7) Luke 16:18, “And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”
8) Romans 7:2-3, “For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.”
9) 1 Corinthians 7:8, “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion”
10) 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, “To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.”
11) 1 Corinthians 7:39-40 “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is –and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.”
12) 1 Timothy 3:12, “A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well.”
Please allow me to ask some rhetorical questions to help you to analyze the truths about divorce & re-marriage:
1) What is the excuse of our generation who has the Bible & professes to be Born Again Christians compared to our forefathers who experienced the same marital issues but stuck it out ’till death do them part’ YET they did not have the Bible or did not know CHRIST personally?
2) Didn’t GOD declare emphatically that HE hated divorce?
2) Wasn’t there a unity in Scriptures when GOD said in above Scriptures 4) to 12) that:
– one who marries a divorced person commits adultery with him/her
– a married person can only re-marry when the other spouse died
– a divorced person should remain unmarried
-a deacon (or any church leader) should be a spouse of only one.
May GOD Bless you always as you seek for HIS guidance.
(USA) I need prayer in a big way. 8 yrs ago I had an affair and was lying to my husband. I kept on lying. Now here I am with a husband who does not trust me and never will (his words). He also told me he can’t love me anymore because he can’t trust me. The affair did end 8 yrs ago. His heart is hard toward me and I’m trying to understand what God is saying to me. My husband has told me he is only here for our children. He also said nothing short of a miracle will fix our problems.
I’m lost now, not sure what is next. I do love my spouse and hope we can overcome this, not sure though.
(UNITED STATES) I’m asking that anyone please pray for my two daughters five and eight as well as myself. I’ve been married for almost nine years. However, my husband walked out of our family close to two years ago, he has been making my life a living nightmare.
I have been coping the best I can, I’ve enrolled myself into college, I have a part time job at a elementary school and most importantly I’m working on my relationship with our Savior. I’m trying to do the best I can, to provide for my two little angels.
I just ask for strength and healing. I forgave my husband for walking out, I forgave him for getting a woman pregnant with his son. I understand people just fall out of love. We’ve had issues throughout our whole relationship and marriage.
I know why our marriage broke, we did not have our GOD a part of our family. Please pray for our sanity, strength, faith, dealing with loneliness and patience. I thank anyone who can squeeze me into their prayer. God Bless!
(USA) About two years ago my husband decided to walk out on his marriage. I have been putting off the signing the divorce paperwork. I really think he is so confused. He has moved on and has a girlfriend. He asked me why I haven’t moved on and my response was because I want my Husband back. Even though I am his wife, I feel like the other woman.
I know that God is with me, and will never leave, but I am growing weary. I read have scriptures, prayed, and even went on a fast. For two years I have tried to come to grips that my marriage is going to work. I know that my spirit wants my marriage to work, but my flesh is saying move forward – he doesn’t want you anymore. Every time I talk to my husband face to face, I see the man I married.
I believe that the man I married was sent by God. Just looking at him today showed me that the devil is trying to destroy what God has for him. That alone hurts me, because I am watching him suffer spiritually. I have asked this question several times but have not gotten an answer….Do I give up on my marriage and sign these divorce papers, or do I cotinue to pray and fight? I just want to hear Gods voice in this matter.
(UNITED STATES) I am divorced since 2004. I had the best friend and partner ever. He got into some trouble and had to go to jail. I was 23 at the time and we got married before he went in. I thought I could deal with it. I divorced him while he was in prison.
I still cry because I was the one person he thought would be there and I wasn’t. I cut off all communication because it was hard. I worried all the time about him. He did 8 years of a 9 year sentence. He is out and we have been hanging out. He told me he has a girlfriend who was there 8 months for him at the end of his sentence.
I basically want my husband back and I have prayed and prayed. I want him to forgive me, which he says he does. I just cannot separate the feelings I have for him. I missed him. Of course he feels hurt and disappointed by me. All I want to do is turn to Jesus. He does not want to be hurt by me again. His family hates me, except his mom. We talk often. Looks like I lost him. He says he cannot leave his girlfriend to be with me cause he does not want to hurt her. I need guidance. I also had a third child while he was locked up. Pray for me.
(USA) I ask that anyone who may read this; please pray for me and my wife. We have been married for five years and have been going to couples counseling for a couple of months. Tonight I found out my wife wants to split up. She says that we have grown apart. She says that she loves me but that she is not In Love with me anymore.
I’m not sure if we can work it out or not. I have trust & faith in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that things will work out one way or another. I still truly love my wife and don’t want a divorce but I fear it is no longer up to me. My prayer is God will have his way in this situation. I blame myself for not being the Christian husband I should have been over the past couple of years. I humbly ask that you pray for me and wife that God will have his way and that I’ll finally become the Christian he wants me to be. Thank you for your time and God bless, Brandon
(USA) I’m 30 years old and I’ve been married for 5, going six years in September. My wife filed for divorce, so this anniversary might never come. It all started about my jobs that weren’t vary stable or I got fired a few times when finances got ruff or I was out of work and my wife would kick me out of the house. One day she decided that she didn’t want me there and we got into an argument where I said some things to her and she punched me and gave me a black eye. I left that night and returned the next day and she said she was sorry. To me it was not a big deal. One week later she was very closed off and cold with me. I tried talking to her about our problems and she would not even look at me and kept telling me to get out of the house – that she did not want to be with me anymore.
I got angry and did something I have never done to her, I physically assaulted her and myself as well, I went to jail for 5 days and got out and thought to myself I lost her for good and I deserve everything that’s coming to me. We separated for 2 months and I got my own apartment and two months later she came to my apartment and moved in with me and our four kids. We were there for 3 months, but we owned our home so I told her lets just go back home; she hesitated but agreed. Then in March we got some tragic news her mother had passed away. We went for the funeral and the day we’re leaving to go back home we found out that my mother-in-law had been murdered, not just that I’m not going to go into to much detail but when we found how she was killed and by who, it was just disgusting.
We came back home after the services and my wife was distraught; she overdosed on prescription pills rendering her in critical condition for almost a week. She got released from the ICU and was transferred to a behavioral health clinic for three days and when she got out I picked her up and we had dinner with our kids and went out for the day as a family giving God thanks that she was ok. Three days later she told me to leave because she wasn’t in love with me anymore and she since filed for divorce. I would appreciate prayers from anyone. I really love her and feel that we could make this better. Thank you and God bless every one.
(USA) Well, I’m a recovering addict. I have been 5 months clean and sober. Me and my wife are separated now and I feel this is it. I relapsed numerous times before, but I know this time is my last because I’m tired. My wife is dating now and my 5 year old son is there. I love my wife,but I’m so confused as to what to do. I know I messed up a lot in the past, but I believe God has all power and I don’t want to lose my wife and child!!!
(US) My ex-husband wants to get remarried. He was married again after we were divorced a few years ago. It didn’t work. He has reached out to me to remarry. Is that wrong?
Why would this be wrong? The only thing is that you need to work on the areas of your relationship that led your first marriage to each other in a troubled direction. Just because you’ve been apart, it doesn’t mean that you’re more mature in handling the same issues. You need to work on them first (and continue to work on them if you marry) and THEN marry, with the resolve that this is for life –we will not hop in and out of marriage again. We WILL work things out and never allow the “D” word to creep into our thinking, vocabulary, or actions again.
Now, one aside however, if the problems you had centered on infidelity issues –character issues of integrity and faithfulness and truthfulness, then you have a problem that might not be able to be resolved. Character issues are “who you are when no one else but God is looking.” And if that is flawed, then that person can’t be trusted. Unless you BOTH vow (and mean it with all of your heart) that you will be exclusive with each other in every way and work on ways to guard your hearts from straying in any way, remarriage wouldn’t be good. You cannot share your heart, or any other part of your being with any other person that is supposed to be exclusively shared with your spouse and with your God. I hope this helps.
(NAMIBIA) Good day to all of you! I desperately hope and pray that you can give me something to work with. I got married 4 years ago, after meeting my husband about 3 months before. Just before the wedding, I had called off the wedding because I realised that, not only did I not know this man, but also that he wasn’t who I wanted to spend my life with. My family (and him) put a lot of pressure on me to continue with the weddding regardless of what I was going through. And so I did. While making my wvowes, I asked God to please forgive me for lying because I did not mean my “I do” because I was getting out the first chance I got!
Things didn’t go well and less than a year into our marriage, we were separated, for 2 years and 8 moths. As a Christian woman I went back and we tried to make it work, for close to ten months now. A couple of night ago, we spoke and concluded that it isn’t working. My husband said to me that we obey God’s work because we love Him, not out of fear and that God looks at our hearts and not our actions. He said that God will not recognise a “convenant” that was not done wholeheartedly and that I shouldn’t fear God punishing me, because God knows my heart.
We are busy with the divorce arrangements, currently. Was this marriage ever recognised by God? How will this divorce affect issues of remarriage, because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, especially if I was coerced into a marriage.
Frieda, Are you and your husband both followers of Christ? Are you equally yoked, at least that much?
(NAMIBIA) Hello Cindy! I think I can safely say, yes.
(UNITED STATES) I have been married by law for 2 years and by the church for a year. I prayed so hard for God to give me a man that would respect me and love me as his wife. The man I married has 2 daughters, which one of them lived with us at the age of 15 she has not been going to school and slashes herself. In good faith, I took her in. She brought chaos into our life; she is now 18.
My husband has a temper. He is verbally, physically abusive, addicted to pornography, sexual addictions, and is an adulterer. He has called me names ugly, old, damaged, a piece of (bad words) and so on. He would hit me punching me on the stomach, put his hand around my neck dragging me from our bedroom to the bathroom. He whipped me with a belt. More of our arguments are about his daughter, ex wife, women, pornography. He says I block him from doing the things he wanted to do. He never respected me as his wife or even protected me.
Three weeks ago he hurt me again and his daughter said she wanted to smack me. He tolerated all the bad things she does. The next morning I went to church and then the hospital for I felt I had a bumps on my legs. His friends and family condones all his behavior. He claimed he is Holy Sprit filled but acts the opposite. I never believed in divorce but he will file so he can fulfill his fleshly desires.
I know there are women and men like me. Please remember you are not alone. I don’t have a job, am financially dry and have been moving from one home to another. This is a huge trial for me but God works in mysterious ways. Please never lose hope. God is close to the brokenhearted and even if it seems that evil is ruling your life. God has a plan, something you can’t imagine. Please pray for me for financial blessings, strength, wisdom and continuously holding on to my faith. This I ask in Jesus name, Amen
(UNITED STATES) I am divorced now for the second time. My first marriage was very short at a very young age. My second husband had an addiction to opiates. His family and I convinced him to go to a rehabilitation center for 3 months. After being released he failed a state required drug test and was sentenced to 6 months in a state funded rehab. After being released he began doing it again. He had been physicaly and mentally abusive during the marriage. I guess what I’m asking is am I terrible for filing for divorce? I feel convicted and sad. Like I’ve disappointed God. Like if I’m not there with him (my ex husband) and he overdoses, it will somehow be partly my fault because I divorced him. Please pray that I have comfort and guidance.
(UK) No, he needs to grow up and stop playing victim. What you can do is be there for him. There is no need to blame yourself for divorce. He just isn’t taking it well. You mentioned he was physically and mentally abusive in the marriage? Why would you want to put yourself through that? Divorcing someone for those hurtful reasons was the right choice you made. Be strong and pray that he will be ok someday.