The following are Web Site links and resource descriptions on the subject of Separation and Divorce that may help you as you work through your marriage difficulties. We pray they will be of help to you. (You may also want to look at the links we make available in the Marriage Counseling section.)

• www.beforeyoudivorce.org This link leads you to resources that could help you step back from the emotional turmoil you now face to take an objective view of how divorce (if you select that path) will affect your life in several different areas: Emotional, Physical, Financial, Legal, Children and family, and Spiritual. It’s essential that you have this information before making your decision. This may be the biggest decision of your life. One that will affect you for years to come. Don’t let the emotional intensity of a marriage crisis drive your decision. Before deciding whether to divorce or stay together, you need information -LOTS of information.

Before You Divorce provides a “reality check” for the divorcing couple. Through videos and a workbook, this marriage crisis intervention tool provides a realistic and stark picture of the impact a decision to divorce will have on each partner and on those around them. It features top experts on marriage and divorce topics from a biblical, Christ-centered perspective.

• www.reconcilinggodsway.org The International Center for Reconciling God’s Way, Inc is a non-profit, faith-based organization that provides resources for churches, and help, hope, and reconciliation for couples and individuals in crisis—even with an unwilling spouse! Joe and Michelle Williams are the founders and directors. With divorce in their backgrounds prior to becoming Christians, and also having gone through a time of separation in their present marriage, they can relate to most couples whoe marriages are in crisis.

Through speaking at national marriage conferences and providing workshops for pastors and leaders of all denominations, Joe and Michelle have been instrumental in helping churches begin marriage reconciliation ministries. They have coauthored the Reconciling God’s Way workbook and a support partner handbook, which you may find to be helpful in your own relationship and/or in your church. They have also authored the book, “Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved” which is a Focus on the Family Book published by Tyndale House.

• RETROUVAILLE (meaning, “rediscovery” and rhymes with apple pie), www.retrouvaille.org. This is a program for couples with serious problems who are disillusioned, separated and/or on the brink of divorce. You’ll be helped by volunteer couples who have also “been to the brink” — who have experienced serious problems including affairs, alcoholism, gambling, violence, etc. or who have simply fallen out of love— but who have worked their way back. They’ll teach you how to fall back in love again and heal your own marriage and make it stronger than ever before. This successful program (85% when both partners work at it) teaches simple techniques of communication and exercises to work on forgiveness, healing, and restoration of trust.

The program begins with a weekend and includes 12 follow-up meetings over 3 months. These are not spiritual retreats, sensitivity groups, seminars or social gatherings — there are no counselors involved and you don’t have to say anything in front of anyone else. Couples discuss the topics and practice the skills in private. It has a blank envelope-donation system and is open to couples of all faiths and to the non-religious. For those in the USA: to find a program in your area call, 800-470-2230 or you can visit their web site at www.retrouvaille.org.

• www.savemymarriage.com You can find help and restoration for your marriage through A New Beginning seminar, which was developed by the Family Dynamics Institute, which is a nonprofit organization that works with marriages across the country (over 70,000 people in the USA alone). They have strategic alliances with therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, researchers, and authors to develop great tools for reviving distressed relationships. As they say, “We’re not miracle workers, but we’ve seen miracles worked with troubled marriages that appeared to be absolutely beyond repair. Some have called us “The Emergency Room for Couples in Trouble.” Others have called us “911 for Marriage.” We can’t make guarantees, but we know our track record and it’s amazingly good.”

• THE THIRD OPTION: www.thethirdoption.com This is an organization based on reconciliation —a new beginning. Most hurting couples will say they’ve “tried everything” but what they usually mean is they’ve tried the same things over and over. In this group setting you’ll learn new ways to handle old problems. The Third Option isn’t counseling. It’s an educational and support group where you learn and encourage each other along the way. However, they recommend participants seek counseling when appropriate.

The Third Option is a peer ministry and an educational program. It combines: a support group, “sharing” couples and workshops on relationship skills. The Third Option can be both a stepping-stone to counseling and an adjunct to it.

RESOURCES:

• A LASTING PROMISE— A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage -By Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain, and Milt Bryan, published by Jossey Bass Publishers www.josseybass.com. This book is highly recommended by Gary Smalley as being one of the best books he’s found to help married couples. It’s based on sound research that shows why married couples separate and how to help them stay together in a loving way. The data from this research differentiates those who do well over time from those who don’t with 80-91% accuracy up to 12 years later. This book focuses on practical action and gives solid tools couples can use to make their marriage stronger, happier, and lifelong. The techniques in this book are for any couple— from the newly engaged to long-time married couples who want to solve problems or prevent them. Buy this book now.

• BECAUSE I SAID FOREVER -By Deb Kalmbach and Heather Kopp, published by Multnomah Publishers www.multnomahbooks.com. This book is by far one of my (Cindy’s) favorite books on the subject of marriage addressed specifically to women. It’s a compilation of true testimonies on various subjects of marriage lived out by different women who have and are living through some really tough situations and yet God has helped them to live victoriously despite the difficulties.

As one of the authors, Deb Kalmbach points out, “Although the church discourages divorces, a recent study indicates that Christian marriages don’t fail as often as secular marriage—they fail more!” She goes on to say, “I believe one reason is that too often the Christian wife who finds herself in a hard marriage imagines she has only two courses: gutting it out miserably but putting on a happy face or leaving the marriage feeling guilty and condemned.

This book says there’s another way. The reflections you read here will affirm your decision to stay in your marriage. But they will also offer you encouragement and help for moving beyond simply enduring a bad marriage. You’ll discover that it is possible to be personally fulfilled even if your marriage is not fulfilling. It is possible to discover joy, to find the support you need, to thrive in your spiritual life and Christian walk, and to turn your challenges into opportunities for personal and spiritual growth.” Buy this book now.

• BEFORE A BAD GOODBYE—How to Turn Your Marriage Around -By Dr Tim Clinton, published by Word Publishing, www.wordpublishing.com. This book is especially for couples at the breaking point, showing that there’s a 3rd choice outside of divorce or a marriage in name only: reconciliation. Dr Clinton is a licensed marriage and family therapist, an ordained minister and president of the American Association of Christian Counseling. This book is excellent if you’re trying to reclaim a love that has nearly slipped through your fingers. It has spiritual encouragements, cognitive tools, and practical behavioral suggestions. It teaches you how to build (or rebuild) a foundation one brick at a time and is “must-reading” for a divorce-minded culture.”

• BROKEN HEART ON HOLD -By Linda Rooks, published by Life Journey. This book will help a woman who is separated, who needs a friend to walk beside her on her difficult journey. Broken Heart on Hold is that friend, one that will uplift, encourage, and hold her up while offering practical insights and pointing her to God. It is a book of hope. Because it is written by a woman who has gone through the trauma of a separation and the eventual healing of her own marriage, the reader will know she is not alone.

This collection of honest, heartfelt messages reaches down into the valleys of a woman’s loneliness, travels with her through her mental labyrinths, and sheds light in the dark tunnels where answers seem nonexistent. It provides the emotional and spiritual strength to help a woman sort through her confusion.

• FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE— Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love -By Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg, published by Jossey -Bass Publishers, www.josseybass.com. This is a “down-to-earth, user-friendly, occasionally humorous advice to couples engaged in the emotional taffy pull of living together.” This book helps you and your partner to master the skills that can prevent marital distress and divorce and teaches such skills as listening without criticizing or interrupting, setting ground rules for discussion, and scheduling meetings to talk about issues calmly. Buy this book now.

• HEAL YOUR PAST and CHANGE YOUR MARRIAGE -By Paul and Kristina McGuire, published by Creation House Publications, www.creationhouse.com. This unique, powerful book-written by a couple who went through years of misery because of past baggage they each carried into their marriage—can improve your marriage and even save it! Live out the spiritual principles in this book and work through the steps to emotional healing. Work on: the issues of sex, romance and avoiding affairs, putting into place romantic reality checks, and how to fall in lover all over again. There are sections within this book that deal with issues: man to man, woman to woman, and communication principles that keep you talking.

• HOPE FOR THE SEPARATED—Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed -By Gary Chapman, published by Moody Press www.moodypublishers.com, ISBN 0-8024-3616-1. If you’re separated, you may not feel like reconciling. You may not see hope for a reunion. But through small, simple steps, Dr. Chapman shows that you may be able to achieve reconciliation with your mate. He deals with the question of dating while separated, how to relate to your children during this time, and ways to improve communication. Assignments are given to encourage growth both as individuals and as a couple. It’s a practical book for both the separated husband and wife. Buy this book now.

• LOVE MUST BE TOUGH— New Hope for Families in Crisis -By Dr James Dobson, published by Multnomah Publishers, www.multnomahbooks.com. In this book, Dr. Dobson offers practical help for the spouse who wants to hold the marriage together. He shows how to rekindle romantic interest and draw the offending partner back home. For new generations faced with ever-increasing threats to stable and loving bonds, Love Must Be Tough offers realistic hope.

“Dr. Dobson’s premise of tough love, which essentially means defining and maintaining the line of respect around yourself, seems sound and practical. Applying it avoids the drawn-out, torturous emotions that go with living in a decaying relationship. Dobson makes the seemingly radical recommendation that people facing infidelity or other marital crisis of similar proportions precipitate a crisis to bring the situation to a boil. Dobson’s point is that that boil will very often restore the relationship. Precipitating the crisis shows your mettle, which commands respect and even admiration.”

“This book is NO GUARANTEE that you will win your spouse or significant other back. But, like anything else, if you don’t do something you will more assuredly lose them anyway. Pray hard and read this book if you want to keep them. Learn to give them space.”

If you can’t find this book at a location near you go to www.multnomahbooks.com and go into their “Contact Us” section. They even have a selection for “International Distribution” if you live outside of the United States to find out if they have a distributor located near you. Buy this book now.

• NEW BEGINNING MARRIAGE SEMINAR, Family Dynamics Institute provides an intensive seminar for help with marriage problems. This seminar is for those whose marriages have been hurt by affairs or other major issue. Please click here for more information.

• RECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES— Healing for Troubled Marriages (Expanded Edition with Study Guide) -By Jim Talley, published by Thomas Nelson Publishers www.thomasnelson.com. This book shows why reconciliation is worth the effort and provides practical, biblical advice on how to resolve conflicts and develop a relationship based on mutual love, respect, and trust. As the author says, “The primary goal of reconciliation is to cause those who are angry, bitter, and hostile to be friendly again and bring back harmony, whether they’re already separated, divorced, or remarried.” Buy this book now.

• THE MARRIAGE MENDER— A Couple’s Guide for Staying Together -By Drs. Thomas Whiteman and Thomas Bartlett with Randy Petersen, published by NavPress, www.NavPress.com. If you’re looking for a fresh start, this book will give you solution-based tools to begin rebuilding your marriage. It has illustrations and exercises that will teach you how to look to the future of your relationship instead of focusing on the past with its problems. You’ll learn how to build emotional safety, communicate more effectively with your spouse, resolve conflict creatively, fight fairly, and much more. As Stephen Arterburn says, “This book is a great tool for marriages that have everything going for them except the two people in them!” Your marriage is worth saving and The Marriage Mender will show you how. Buy this book now.

• THE WALKOUT WOMAN —When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams are Lost, -By Dr Steve Stephens and Alice Gray, published by Multnomah, www.multnomahbooks.com. We HIGHLY recommend this book—it’s outstanding! It’s written for women who need practical and inspiring help to breathe new life into their marriages which may seem hopeless. As the authors say, concerning this book, “We pray that you will recognize the symptoms and dangers of becoming a walk-out woman and that you will realize that it is not a path to happiness. Opening your heart to your marriage again is indeed a risk, but we believe it’s a risk worth taking. We want to help you understand your husband better and show some ways you can encourage him to listen to your hurts and anger. We want to help you understand more about yourself as well—why you may have started “keeping score” and how you have built a wall around your heart. We’ll talk about realistic and unrealistic expectations and the dangers of creating a new fantasy with someone else. We’ll also give you strategies for taking care of yourself, getting connected again with your husband, resolving conflict, dealing with anger and loss, remembering the good times, and pressing closer to the Lord.” Buy this book now.

• WHEN LOVES DIES… How to Save a Hopeless Marriage -By Judy Bodmer, published by Word Publishing, www.wordpublishing.com. This is a refreshing, honest look at one woman’s journey to the edge of divorce, her commitment to stay even though she didn’t feel like it, and her eventual rediscovery of the love that she thought had died. Some of the subjects she discusses from her own experience are: You Don’t Know How Bad Things Are; You Don’t Know My Husband; I Can’t Forgive or Forget, I Can’t Change the Way I Feel; I had So Many Dreams; I Don’t Love Him; We Can’t Talk; I Feel So Angry; I Married the Wrong Man; I Don’t Want Him to Touch Me; I Don’t Feel Loved; and I Just Want to Be Happy. Buy this book now.

• YES, YOUR MARRIAGE CAN BE SAVED… 12 Truths for Rescuing Your Relationship, by Joe and Michelle Williams —a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House. This book is based on the personal experiences that Joe and Michelle have learned as far as what works and what doesn’t in the tough times of marriage. Having experienced several divorces each before becoming Christians (and then a time of separation in their own marriage), Joe and Michelle write with great insight and wisdom. The book includes a Temperament test and a survey to help readers evaluate their marriage, questions for self-evaluation, and group or support-partner discussion questions.

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