The following questions were put together by Dr Phil McGraw when he was interviewing engaged couples that were cheating on their spouses-to-be. We added a few summary statements along with them. However the Seven Questions Dr Phil discussed could also be applicable for those who find out their spouses have committed infidelity. We hope you’ll prayerfully consider them as you think about reconciling because they could really help you in this type of situation:
An affair does not necessarily foretell the end of a relationship. Dr. Phil McGraw has seven questions to ask to determine if your cheating partner deserves a second chance.
1. Is this an isolated event or a pattern?
2. Does your partner own his bad behavior or make excuses for it?
3. Does he have insight into how he’s hurt you or is he oblivious?
4. Is he sorry for his choice or sorry he got caught?
5. Is he willing to clean up his act, or is he in denial?
6. Is this out of character or does he have an insensitive gene? (Marriage Missions Editors Note: By this question Dr Phil is asking if the family has a pattern of infidelity in it, because as he said, family patterns can sometimes manifest themselves in future behavior of the children that grow up in it.)
7. Is this a legacy or new behavior?
The previous seven questions you asked of your partner.
One major question you have to ask of yourself is: If you reinvested in this relationship and allowed yourself to trust, and your partner cheated, do you have the depth and strength to recover from it, or would you be emotionally bankrupt?
Dr. Phil says this final question is the deal-breaker. If you can confidently say that you would have the courage to recover, you can move forward in your relationship with a spirit of optimism.
On his web site, Dr Phil www.drphil.com has other related information that he makes available to help with this type of situation. Even though this isn’t a Christian web site the information is helpful and for the most part it doesn’t conflict with Biblical principles. Just use the gleaning principle that is discussed in Marriage Message #252 if you question any of it.
You can see what else they make available on this subject by going to his web site and scrolling down to the other related links. You can do so by clicking HERE.
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3 comments so far ↓
1 LAWANNA // Jan 15, 2008 at 8:14 pm
(USA) I love my husband, but he has done things to me that I can’t forget. For one, he never says that he’s sorry for anything that he did to me. After 7 yrs of marriage I really want out. We don’t talk to each other, and if I try he always end up fussing. We don’t have any goals set together. We don’t have any money together. And he left tonight, and said I am gone.
2 Lynda // Mar 18, 2008 at 1:09 pm
(USA) I am in a cross cultural/racial marriage for 20 years. Infidelity is considered the norm in West Indian society. My husband is emotionally and physically involved with women. He refuses to talk about it - he has sparse vocabulary and considers my pain to be a product of my own thinking. HELP!
3 Mary // Aug 28, 2008 at 9:10 pm
(USA) I know it’s months since you left your comment, and I’m sorry no one has replied to you yet, but I’d like to say that I would encourage you to leave your husband. He obviously has different morals than you (different religion?) and will never understand your point of view, especially if his culture is male-dominated and indifferent toward female needs. As long as you stay with him, he will not change; he has everything he thinks he needs: a wife whose needs he can safely ignore, and the other women to play around with. He’s committed adultery, has no regrets or intentions to change.
Scripturally, you are totally free to go. If you love him, leaving him may be the only way to wake him up and show him you aren’t a doormat. I will pray for you and hope that maybe things have changed over these months. But you do him nor yourself any favor by allowing his behavior to continue with no consequences.
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