The following questions were put together by Dr Phil McGraw when he was interviewing engaged couples that were cheating on their spouses-to-be. We added a few summary statements along with them. However the Seven Questions Dr Phil discussed could also be applicable for those who find out their spouses have committed infidelity. We hope you’ll prayerfully consider them as you think about reconciling because they could really help you in this type of situation:
An affair does not necessarily foretell the end of a relationship. Dr. Phil McGraw has seven questions to ask to determine if your cheating partner deserves a second chance.
1. Is this an isolated event or a pattern?
2. Does your partner own his bad behavior or make excuses for it?
3. Does he have insight into how he’s hurt you or is he oblivious?
4. Is he sorry for his choice or sorry he got caught?
5. Is he willing to clean up his act, or is he in denial?
6. Is this out of character or does he have an insensitive gene? (Marriage Missions Editors Note: By this question Dr Phil is asking if the family has a pattern of infidelity in it, because as he said, family patterns can sometimes manifest themselves in future behavior of the children that grow up in it.)
7. Is this a legacy or new behavior?
The previous seven questions you asked of your partner.
One major question you have to ask of yourself is: If you reinvested in this relationship and allowed yourself to trust, and your partner cheated, do you have the depth and strength to recover from it, or would you be emotionally bankrupt?
Dr. Phil says this final question is the deal-breaker. If you can confidently say that you would have the courage to recover, you can move forward in your relationship with a spirit of optimism.
On his web site, Dr Phil www.drphil.com has other related information that he makes available to help with this type of situation. Even though this isn’t a Christian web site the information is helpful and for the most part it doesn’t conflict with Biblical principles. Just use the gleaning principle that is discussed in Marriage Message #252 if you question any of it.
You can see what else they make available on this subject by going to his web site and scrolling down to the other related links. You can do so by clicking HERE.
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(USA) My husband and I have been married 31 years. I have gone through his unfaithfulness five times. The first 2 were one night stands shortly after we got married and I wasn’t living with him yet due to his job. The next one we were living together and had been married about 2 or 3 years. That one was an affair. I left him and filed for divorce. I was still so much in love and crushed about his behavior.
After three months, they had broken up and he came to me asking forgiveness. I did forgive and things were fine for a very long time. Soon after getting back together he wanted to have a child which was a blessing because I had wanted that too. We had a beautiful daughter. She was the light of our lives and had such an out-going personality that she lit up a room. Everybody loved her. When she was 16 she was killed in a car accident. We were both devastated. We both went back to work and tried to get back to normal.
I started reading a lot wanting to know more and more about what the Bible says about death and heaven, etc. I read books about near death experiences, all kinds of books trying to somehow relieve my mind of what happened to my little girl in those last moments and where is she now I am a Christian and strong in my faith so I do believe because she was also a Christian that she is with Jesus.
Anyway, within six months my husband was in an affair again. He told me about it and that he felt he was in love with her. Here I was grieving so much and so depressed, and he has an affair! I can’t even tell you how bad it hurt to realize the person I thought was there for me, the person I trusted so much and leaned on for support was sharing his thoughts and love and body with another woman, a married one.
He said she understood him so well and that he could talk to her about anything. He blamed me for not being “stylish” enough and reading too much. Apparently I was not allowed to grieve and try to heal. I was supposed to wait on his every need and forget myself. I couldn’t. I was so hurt by losing our precious daughter and then hearing that he was in love with someone else. We had been married 21 years at that time.
Well, long story short, we did get back together. I went to counseling for about a year but he never would. So basically looking back I guess I was just supposed to suck it up and carry on. Well, I certainly have tried. I still love him very much. It has been ten years since then and we have traveled a lot and had wonderful times together. Now I find email where he is again involved in an affair. I am crushed again. I still take medication for depression and this certainly hasn’t helped. I am by nature a happy and loving person and I know I add so much to his life. I treat him like a king.
I had told him all those years ago that I would divorce him if I ever knew of him being unfaithful again. Well, I have asked for a divorce. I am older now and haven’t been working in several years. I now find that he doesn’t want to tell anyone, he just wants it to be between us. He wants to live separately and keep the finances as they are. He wants me to go to work and he blames me yet again. This time the same old thing.
Although I keep myself looking good, I stay slim, keep my hair nice and try my best to dress ’stylish’ and cute, he says I look like a grandma. Everyone else thinks I look nice and I always have people tell my how pretty I am. Why can’t he say that? Why can’t he see that? How could I have stuck with this man for 31 years, worked hard, did everything humanly possible to please him and be a great wife and he does this to me again?
By the way, he looked up the one from way back in our past when I filed for divorce many years ago and that is who he is seeing now, like some long lost love, who by the way is also married. I have moments that I feel strong, and feel that I will divorce him and move on, and some day someone will come along who will appreciate me and treat me like a man should treat his wife. Other times I am depressed and crying. I don’t know what the future holds but I will venture into it alone. : (
(USA) I can only imagine the pain that you are experiencing. I hurt with you, and want to mention to you a resource, newly published by NavPress – “Helping Those Who Hurt: Handbook for Caring and Crisis.” I’m hoping this will be helpful for you. Blessings, Barb