The following questions were put together by Dr Phil McGraw when he was interviewing engaged couples that were cheating on their spouses-to-be. We added a few summary statements along with them. However the Seven Questions Dr Phil discussed could also be applicable for those who find out their spouses have committed infidelity. We hope you’ll prayerfully consider them as you think about reconciling because they could really help you in this type of situation:
An affair does not necessarily foretell the end of a relationship. Dr. Phil McGraw has seven questions to ask to determine if your cheating partner deserves a second chance.
1. Is this an isolated event or a pattern?
2. Does your partner own his bad behavior or make excuses for it?
3. Does he have insight into how he’s hurt you or is he oblivious?
4. Is he sorry for his choice or sorry he got caught?
5. Is he willing to clean up his act, or is he in denial?
6. Is this out of character or does he have an insensitive gene? (Marriage Missions Editors Note: By this question Dr Phil is asking if the family has a pattern of infidelity in it, because as he said, family patterns can sometimes manifest themselves in future behavior of the children that grow up in it.)
7. Is this a legacy or new behavior?
The previous seven questions you asked of your partner.
One major question you have to ask of yourself is: If you reinvested in this relationship and allowed yourself to trust, and your partner cheated, do you have the depth and strength to recover from it, or would you be emotionally bankrupt?
Dr. Phil says this final question is the deal-breaker. If you can confidently say that you would have the courage to recover, you can move forward in your relationship with a spirit of optimism.
On his web site, Dr Phil www.drphil.com has other related information that he makes available to help with this type of situation. Even though this isn’t a Christian web site the information is helpful and for the most part it doesn’t conflict with Biblical principles. Just use the gleaning principle that is discussed in Marriage Message #252 if you question any of it.
You can see what else they make available on this subject by going to his web site and scrolling down to the other related links. You can do so by clicking HERE.
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(USA) My husband and I have been married 31 years. I have gone through his unfaithfulness five times. The first 2 were one night stands shortly after we got married and I wasn’t living with him yet due to his job. The next one we were living together and had been married about 2 or 3 years. That one was an affair. I left him and filed for divorce. I was still so much in love and crushed about his behavior.
After three months, they had broken up and he came to me asking forgiveness. I did forgive and things were fine for a very long time. Soon after getting back together he wanted to have a child which was a blessing because I had wanted that too. We had a beautiful daughter. She was the light of our lives and had such an out-going personality that she lit up a room. Everybody loved her. When she was 16 she was killed in a car accident. We were both devastated. We both went back to work and tried to get back to normal.
I started reading a lot wanting to know more and more about what the Bible says about death and heaven, etc. I read books about near death experiences, all kinds of books trying to somehow relieve my mind of what happened to my little girl in those last moments and where is she now I am a Christian and strong in my faith so I do believe because she was also a Christian that she is with Jesus.
Anyway, within six months my husband was in an affair again. He told me about it and that he felt he was in love with her. Here I was grieving so much and so depressed, and he has an affair! I can’t even tell you how bad it hurt to realize the person I thought was there for me, the person I trusted so much and leaned on for support was sharing his thoughts and love and body with another woman, a married one.
He said she understood him so well and that he could talk to her about anything. He blamed me for not being “stylish” enough and reading too much. Apparently I was not allowed to grieve and try to heal. I was supposed to wait on his every need and forget myself. I couldn’t. I was so hurt by losing our precious daughter and then hearing that he was in love with someone else. We had been married 21 years at that time.
Well, long story short, we did get back together. I went to counseling for about a year but he never would. So basically looking back I guess I was just supposed to suck it up and carry on. Well, I certainly have tried. I still love him very much. It has been ten years since then and we have traveled a lot and had wonderful times together. Now I find email where he is again involved in an affair. I am crushed again. I still take medication for depression and this certainly hasn’t helped. I am by nature a happy and loving person and I know I add so much to his life. I treat him like a king.
I had told him all those years ago that I would divorce him if I ever knew of him being unfaithful again. Well, I have asked for a divorce. I am older now and haven’t been working in several years. I now find that he doesn’t want to tell anyone, he just wants it to be between us. He wants to live separately and keep the finances as they are. He wants me to go to work and he blames me yet again. This time the same old thing.
Although I keep myself looking good, I stay slim, keep my hair nice and try my best to dress ’stylish’ and cute, he says I look like a grandma. Everyone else thinks I look nice and I always have people tell my how pretty I am. Why can’t he say that? Why can’t he see that? How could I have stuck with this man for 31 years, worked hard, did everything humanly possible to please him and be a great wife and he does this to me again?
By the way, he looked up the one from way back in our past when I filed for divorce many years ago and that is who he is seeing now, like some long lost love, who by the way is also married. I have moments that I feel strong, and feel that I will divorce him and move on, and some day someone will come along who will appreciate me and treat me like a man should treat his wife. Other times I am depressed and crying. I don’t know what the future holds but I will venture into it alone. : (
(USA) I can only imagine the pain that you are experiencing. I hurt with you, and want to mention to you a resource, newly published by NavPress – “Helping Those Who Hurt: Handbook for Caring and Crisis.” I’m hoping this will be helpful for you. Blessings, Barb
(KENT) I wanted to know how can you tell if your husband has been cheating. Can you tell how long they last during sex, like if they last longer or shorter; if they last longer they have been doing it already or if they last shorter they haven’t.
(USA) Hello! I just stumbled across this site as i was having a hard day today. My husband was unfaithful about a month ago. Having found faith again during that hard time, I have chosen to forgive him. I did read the 7 questions and I know that he is sorry for what he has done to me and our family. I just have days that are worse than others.
I actually saw the 2 of them, and I replay what I saw over and over. It was all over a horrible night that was started in what I thought all men wanted… their wife to be with another woman. I know that I was wrong in setting that all up. I know that once you are married that things like that should not happen. I was left by the 2 of them at the bar where they went back to my house and had sex… I’m just wondering how to deal with the pictures, pain, and if I forgive. Why is it taking so long for me to stop hurting? We are a young couple and have 2 children and I love this man. I just need to find help in other stories to learn a way to help cope when I am having days like today.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband is having an affair and asked me for a divorce today.
(SOUTH AFRICA) We have been married for 16 years now. I know my husband is battling with some strongholds especially faithfulness in marriage. I don’t doubt his love for me and he always shows affection and how much I mean to him. His, is a story of not being able to resist temptation and I feel he sometimes becomes weak. He is a good looking guy and it is no secret that he gets admired by a lot of females which has even happened in my presence. At times he gets so annoyed and turns off the advances right there in front of me but I always wonder what happens if I am not there.
People around us see our marriage as one of the best and we are role models to some of young couples even to older ones as well. It breaks my heart a lot because I know the real truth and I know that he sometimes cheats on me. He has never admitted to it but I have seen things like text messages from other women. He always makes excuses that the women are interested in him and he is not. I know at times it’s a matter of flirting, but that hurts my feelings a lot because I don’t do the same with other men. Why must he do it to me? I feel flirting equals to cheating as something serious can develop out of that and a sexual relationship can develop as well. We are always open about our feelings for each other but I feel if you love someone you should be strong enough to protect that person emotionally and I feel in my case that is not happening. Please help as my husband’s love of affection and attention from other women is destroying my trust in him.
(SA) I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me again and this time it hurts the most because he said it as if he was entitled to it since I ignored him and was busy with then my 2 month old child who God blessed us with after having 2 of them dying at infancy. As a mother’s instinct I wanted to protect, love, care for and nurture my little one and had to deal with panic attacks at the same time. My husband did nothing to help me with the child or the house chores and after a while it got to be too much for me. I tried speaking to him and telling him how I felt but he just ignored me plainly. One day he asked me to have sex with him and I got annoyed and I told him that he was only concerned about his sexual needs and did not care about anyone else. And that was when we started going out. My instincts told me something was not right but I could not really put 1 and 1 together. Then after 3 months of fights we reconciled but then he already had an affair and even when we were speaking to fixing things he continued with his affairs until I did my investigations on him. I found condoms in his car but did not confront him until I gathered enough evidence to and when I finally did I asked him politely to confess to me any affairs he might have had during our fight and he looked me in the eyes and told me he had no affairs and I begged him for 2 days to come out clean but he maintained his innocence.
Yesterday I confronted him with all the evidence I have gathered on him and that’s when he told me boastfully that yes he had an affair and it was becauses I couldn’t give it to him that he had to go and find it elsewhere, as if that justified his actions. I told him that he has no respect for either himself or me and that how can I continue trusting the same person who is suppose to protect his family but hurts it the most?
To think that all this time he accused me of not trusting him and all the nonsense when he was the one fooling around with another married woman. It is disgusting to think what he did, that he can can go and have sex with someone else and come home and act holy.
Everything in me wants to leave him because I don’t trust him that he wont do it again especially since he did it right after the death of our 1st child. I know God hates divorce and He wants us to love our spouses unconditionally with the Agape love but how do I move from here onward with him? How am I suppose to make love to him without thinking of the fact that he slept with another woman? With sicknesses like HIV/Aids out there how do I know that he wont bring it home to us? I am breastfeeding and he sleeps with me and he doesn’t he think that he is also endangering the very child he claims to love more than anything?
Please somebody help me, if you know any marriage counselors in Gauteng area in South Africa please help me! I don’t want to give in without at least exhausting all channels and in the meantime I will continue praying to God to heal me and forgive both my husband and her mistress and give me strength to stand in the vows I made before him.