Yesterday I confronted him with all the evidence I have gathered on him and that’s when he told me boastfully that yes he had an affair and it was becauses I couldn’t give it to him that he had to go and find it elsewhere, as if that justified his actions. I told him that he has no respect for either himself or me and that how can I continue trusting the same person who is suppose to protect his family but hurts it the most?

To think that all this time he accused me of not trusting him and all the nonsense when he was the one fooling around with another married woman. It is disgusting to think what he did, that he can can go and have sex with someone else and come home and act holy.

Everything in me wants to leave him because I don’t trust him that he wont do it again especially since he did it right after the death of our 1st child. I know God hates divorce and He wants us to love our spouses unconditionally with the Agape love but how do I move from here onward with him? How am I suppose to make love to him without thinking of the fact that he slept with another woman? With sicknesses like HIV/Aids out there how do I know that he wont bring it home to us? I am breastfeeding and he sleeps with me and he doesn’t he think that he is also endangering the very child he claims to love more than anything?

Please somebody help me, if you know any marriage counselors in Gauteng area in South Africa please help me! I don’t want to give in without at least exhausting all channels and in the meantime I will continue praying to God to heal me and forgive both my husband and her mistress and give me strength to stand in the vows I made before him.

People around us see our marriage as one of the best and we are role models to some of young couples even to older ones as well. It breaks my heart a lot because I know the real truth and I know that he sometimes cheats on me. He has never admitted to it but I have seen things like text messages from other women. He always makes excuses that the women are interested in him and he is not. I know at times it’s a matter of flirting, but that hurts my feelings a lot because I don’t do the same with other men. Why must he do it to me? I feel flirting equals to cheating as something serious can develop out of that and a sexual relationship can develop as well. We are always open about our feelings for each other but I feel if you love someone you should be strong enough to protect that person emotionally and I feel in my case that is not happening. Please help as my husband’s love of affection and attention from other women is destroying my trust in him.

I actually saw the 2 of them, and I replay what I saw over and over. It was all over a horrible night that was started in what I thought all men wanted… their wife to be with another woman. I know that I was wrong in setting that all up. I know that once you are married that things like that should not happen. I was left by the 2 of them at the bar where they went back to my house and had sex… I’m just wondering how to deal with the pictures, pain, and if I forgive. Why is it taking so long for me to stop hurting? We are a young couple and have 2 children and I love this man. I just need to find help in other stories to learn a way to help cope when I am having days like today.

After three months, they had broken up and he came to me asking forgiveness. I did forgive and things were fine for a very long time. Soon after getting back together he wanted to have a child which was a blessing because I had wanted that too. We had a beautiful daughter. She was the light of our lives and had such an out-going personality that she lit up a room. Everybody loved her. When she was 16 she was killed in a car accident. We were both devastated. We both went back to work and tried to get back to normal.

I started reading a lot wanting to know more and more about what the Bible says about death and heaven, etc. I read books about near death experiences, all kinds of books trying to somehow relieve my mind of what happened to my little girl in those last moments and where is she now I am a Christian and strong in my faith so I do believe because she was also a Christian that she is with Jesus.

Anyway, within six months my husband was in an affair again. He told me about it and that he felt he was in love with her. Here I was grieving so much and so depressed, and he has an affair! I can’t even tell you how bad it hurt to realize the person I thought was there for me, the person I trusted so much and leaned on for support was sharing his thoughts and love and body with another woman, a married one.

He said she understood him so well and that he could talk to her about anything. He blamed me for not being “stylish” enough and reading too much. Apparently I was not allowed to grieve and try to heal. I was supposed to wait on his every need and forget myself. I couldn’t. I was so hurt by losing our precious daughter and then hearing that he was in love with someone else. We had been married 21 years at that time.

Well, long story short, we did get back together. I went to counseling for about a year but he never would. So basically looking back I guess I was just supposed to suck it up and carry on. Well, I certainly have tried. I still love him very much. It has been ten years since then and we have traveled a lot and had wonderful times together. Now I find email where he is again involved in an affair. I am crushed again. I still take medication for depression and this certainly hasn’t helped. I am by nature a happy and loving person and I know I add so much to his life. I treat him like a king.

I had told him all those years ago that I would divorce him if I ever knew of him being unfaithful again. Well, I have asked for a divorce. I am older now and haven’t been working in several years. I now find that he doesn’t want to tell anyone, he just wants it to be between us. He wants to live separately and keep the finances as they are. He wants me to go to work and he blames me yet again. This time the same old thing.

Although I keep myself looking good, I stay slim, keep my hair nice and try my best to dress ’stylish’ and cute, he says I look like a grandma. Everyone else thinks I look nice and I always have people tell my how pretty I am. Why can’t he say that? Why can’t he see that? How could I have stuck with this man for 31 years, worked hard, did everything humanly possible to please him and be a great wife and he does this to me again?

By the way, he looked up the one from way back in our past when I filed for divorce many years ago and that is who he is seeing now, like some long lost love, who by the way is also married. I have moments that I feel strong, and feel that I will divorce him and move on, and some day someone will come along who will appreciate me and treat me like a man should treat his wife. Other times I am depressed and crying. I don’t know what the future holds but I will venture into it alone. : (

1. Is this an isolated event or a pattern? – Pattern. The latest was man number 5.
2. Does your partner own his bad behaviour or make excuses for it? – Mostly excuses, but some owning up.
3. Does he have insight into how he’s hurt you or is he oblivious? I don’t think anyone realizes how much they hurt the other person. I don’t think they can unless it happened to them.
4. Is he sorry for his choice or sorry he got caught? – In my case, my wife is devastated about what she has done (She slept with the last one). I do not however believe the devastation is about the affair. I believe it is isolated to the sex.
5. Is he willing to clean up his act, or is he in denial? – She is willing to clean it up, but believes that we both need to change.
6. Is this out of character or does he have an insensitive gene? – I’m not too sure what you mean. She displayed signs of insensitivity until we reached a point where we both want to reconcile.
7. Is this a legacy or new behaviour? – This is guy number 5, so it’s legacy.

Now you may wonder why I’m responding to this. Well. I think I need to expand on this a bit. Me and my wife are both Christians. BUT… We lost the path a bit. Now we are followers of Jesus, but that is another story.

To make a long story short, my wife cheated on me a few times in the past. Most of the time it was “because we went through troubled times in our marriage.” Each time I forgave her and we moved on. Until it happened again. This last time, she slept with her latest affair.

Let me just interrupt myself here and state that she is NOT a bad person. If you knew her history with her dad, step dad, granddad, etc things would look different to you. This message is not about bashing my wife. It’s about giving people another view on infidelity.

First up. When a woman cheats on a man, (and this is what I’m limited to talking about) she violates a boundary and breaks him down as a man. I’m sure that if a man cheats on a woman, he emotionally kills her too, but I cannot write about that. So girls, please bear with me on this one.

Us men have this need to be THE one in your life. THE most adored. THE most admired, THE most respected. The moment you show interest in another man, you kill all of that. Forget about having an affair. You kill it when you show interest in another man. Once you go over to having an affair, you kill the respect we have for you. You kill the trust. Once you sleep with another man, you kill the parts of you we hold sacred and dear. It takes exceptional emotional strength to be a participant in the recovery of a marriage that involved intercourse by your spouse.

Guys.. Do NOT feel that you are weak when you find out about an affair and you CHOOSE to reconcile. On the contrary.. Not many men has what it takes. Not many men has the strength.

Girls.. If you overstepped the boundary, and your guy is willing to work on it with you, I pray to God that you recognize his strength and be appreciative. You will probably never know what it takes to not shout at you. To not “disown” you, to not show you total disrespect and disgust. Those are natural tendencies. Fighting them while being destroyed inside is not an easy task.

Girls. I plead with you today. If you have been unfaithful, come clean about it ASAP! No matter how far it went. Come clean ASAP! Even if you just flirted with another man. Come clean. The sooner the better. If it went all the way to intercourse, tell all. Give him the opportunity to vent, and then make his decision. But be honest and truthful or you can just as well leave it. Do NOT let him find out details later. Do not hide things from him. The truth always comes out. And when it does, and you did not voluntarily provide that truth to him, trust and respect just simply takes another beating.

There are a few critical do’s and don’ts if you cheated on your hubby. A lot of which are covered on this site. Do some research.. There is a lot of great help on this subject on this site.

I am proof that a man CAN overcome the natural tendency to want to leave his wife after numerous infidelities on her behalf. I’m not typing this to tell you it is easy. It’s not.

So here I get to my point. Guys… When or if your wife cheats on you.. Ask yourself why. Do you really know her? Do you know her past? Does she have an issue with men? How was her dad to her? How was her dad towards her mom? Not just her dad, but granddads, step dads, etc. Was she the center of your human life? Did you cater for all her needs as a woman (Not just sexually, but emotionally as well)?

It takes some guts looking into this. My wife told me “Things were not that great between us” when I asked her why she did it. I’m telling you now. In some instances, not even THEY know why they did it. Dig deeper. It’s not always JUST you.

I know how you feel. I know how you lose respect. How the most precious parts of her seems defiled. How she doesn’t seem like just yours anymore. But I tell you this… Something like what has happened to you might be just what the two of you need to move over to a spectacular marriage.

Do NOT leave her to fix things by herself. Yes she has a lot to do. Yes she has some healing to provide. But please… make some changes in your life. Infidelity can be turned around. Do not assume you are the only victim and sit back or fight. Something is missing in your marriage. Fix it. If you have what it takes.

For too long after each affair did we just simply work on the affair and the after effects of the affair. We never changed ourselves. We never changed the way we treated each other and it happened over and over again. Each time, getting worse. Do not fight the person. Neither fight the problem. Fight the underlying causes of the problem. There are more than one. Find them. Kill them. Change them. Do you have what it takes?

Girls. Again I pray that you communicate with your men. Don’t beat around the bush. You girls like saying things in a way no man understands. We prefer to be sat down and given the cold hard facts. Do not hint, do not do it subtly. If you feel unloved, uncared for, etc. Sit your hubby down. MAKE him look at you and concentrate and TELL him in short, to the point sentences, what it is that bothers you and how much it bothers you and how it makes you feel. If he is neglecting you, do not tell him this long story. Sit him down and tell him: You are neglecting me in this and that way. It makes me feel like this and that and it causes me to wonder about our relationship. You have to communicate! Do not keep things bottled up inside. Talk about your past, your teenage years and tell him about traumatic things that happened to you too. Talk!

Guys: I pray that you bother learning about how to listen to your wives. Just… listen. No fixing the problem. Listen.. No interruptions. Listen… We are factual thinkers. Listen and think. Not listen, talk, think, talk, listen… just.. listen and think.

There is so much you do not know. So much, you as the head of the relationship, NEEDS to know to lead properly. If you do not listen to her, how can you lead? Treat your wife the way she deserves to be treated… Open that car door for her… EVERY time.

Girls: Show appreciation when he open the car’s door for you… EVERY time. And SHOW that you mean it. Remember we are factual creatures. We believe what we see and can think about. Not what we have to assume. If you have cheated on your husband.. do you realise that:

1. Your partner will find it very hard to trust you again?
2. Your partner feels second best, and unwanted?
3. Your partner will take the smallest interest you show in the opposite sex as insensitive and maybe even as arrogance?
4. Your partner lost a lot if not all respect for you even though they may not show it?
5. If sex was involved, your partner may most likely not look at your female parts as precious and sacred places anymore?
6. You partner would be hurt deeply if you do not treat him/her better, or do not show more attention or intimacy than you showed your lover?
7. Until you were the major cause for healing the wounds you caused, you will probably be haunted by what you have done?
8. Your partner’s natural instinct is to get rid of you. Resisting this instinct takes a lot of effort and is extremely painful and confusing?
9. Your partner feels totally insecure and may probably not want to invest further in your marriage?

It is important to your partner that you own up to what you have done. It is important to him that they see how you hate what you have done, and that you are sensitive to what destruction you have caused.
It is VITAL in recovery for your partner to know about everything. It is your responsibility to come clean about every little thing, no matter how trivial you may feel it is. Do not leave out details that could later scratch open old wounds.

Do not fake anything. Be real. Be honest. Faking behaviour or twisting the truth will postpone and in all likelihood destroy any chance of trust and respect in the future. Realise that you deserve zero respect, zero trust, zero honour. You cannot demand these things. You have violated the most valued aspect or marriage. Appreciate (and show it) any of these you do get. Continuously ask your partner how they are doing. Be caring. Find out what you can do to make things better.

Do NOT’s: If you are serious about healing your partner, here are a few things you should not do.
- Be aware that the affair started somehow. Some method was used to initiate it. Do not under any circumstances go anywhere close, or do anything that is anywhere close to that. No matter how trivial
- Do not ever make any contact with the lover. Ever.
- Do not be friends with anyone who are friends with the lover (Including work environments)
- Do not make excuses for what you have done.
- Do not blame anyone or anything for what you have done.
- After coming clean to your partner, they will know what you and your lover did and said to each other. Never, ever do less for your partner than you did for your lover.

Enough rambling from me. I guess my point is that men can be men and try to reconcile after being cheated on but it takes a LOT! Girls, please appreciate that and make an honest effort.

Follow Christ… Don’t simply just be a Christian. Guys… You are going to need His strength.

If that’s the case, no offense, but you would be the WORST candidate for her to confide in regarding this situation.

You say the two of you fell in love all over again. So if I understand what you are saying is that because she was betrayed by her husband, her current betrayal of her husband with you is justified.

If this is the case, I’m officially sickened. If it was wrong for him to betray her, it’s even worse for her, knowing how painful it is, to betray him. And since you are aware of how painful betrayal is, from her accounts, not to mention what you’ve read here, I fail to understand how you can pine away for her, when your actions, your “love” is only going to add more pain to an already painful situation.

Scripture tells us that to knowingly sin will be punished far more seriously than those who sin in ignorance. You and your love can in no way be ignorant to how even a merely emotional romance between the two of you is sinning against God and this woman and her husband.

Please, end any contact with her now, encourage her to get a female mentor to help her through this, and find a male mentor in your church that will step you through healing and forgiveness for this act.

Regardless how bad you may think her husband is, you are not justified in sinning against God, her or him because of your judgment of what he’s done.

I’d encourage you to confess your sin, to him and her and vow to never speak to her again.

The seven questions that the Dr. speaks of about cheating on your spouse applies here. She’s already not happy and it hasn’t been 2 weeks since she’s returned. I’m the man who came back into her life and thus far my angel is starting to come around. So good advice on the seven questions on cheating. The purpose of my comment is this friend and I fell in love with each other all over again and the mistreatment of her as a person is driving me to continue to battle for her love. Thanks, I’ll keep you all abreast!

I never did tell my family what happened because I wanted them to like him and they love him and he is very comfortable with them. If it happened again, yes, they would know, without a doubt. I have shared it with friends I trust. As charming as he is, who else would believe me? I know he could manipulate it into me being a psycho. I’ve seen him do it to others as well as myself over certain things earlier on. He did not show remorse for his actions, never apologizes, will not admit responsibility, refuses to discuss it and when I am brave enough to bring up how much he has hurt me he says that is my choice to feel that way.

Once after he shoved me into a wall and warned me that he could kill me, I left for 5 days. When he never called to find me I phoned and asked why. He said he knew I’d come back when I was ready. The thought of that event still concerns me, the lack of indifference. Right now I look at him and think ‘YOU did that to me, I can’t believe it. Does the person you are today feel bad about that in the least or do you still feel that indifferent’? I dare not bring it up, not that I’m afraid the abuse would start again after 6 years, but that he won’t admit it.

I don’t even try anymore. It is getting old and there is no point in trying to work that out with someone who won’t. It only brings up old negative feelings that I’ve mostly forgotten. We occasionally do things together but he never shows me any physical affection anymore and the most I may get is a quick peck on the lips or 3 second hug, about once a week out of obligation. I feel very alone a lot of the time due to his distance. And when I should be able to talk to my husband, it is only my friends I can turn to.

As Mary mentioned, with infidelity the scriptures say we are free to go. I stay now because it has been some time since the infidelity and abuse occurred and feel I’ve let my the period expire in which I could use my ‘out card’. Many times I find myself thinking of what I will do with my life when he dies and I will able to move forward and won’t have him holding me back. Well, I’ve let him hold me back. Being married there are certain things that I just can’t up and do and leave my husband behind. I wish I had one who had some goals or hopes for the future. He has goals that go for about one day, maybe a month if I’m lucky.

However, he also is living so much more a Christian life that I’d feel I was abandoning him. Much has changed in his life, except with his responsibility for responding and relating to his wife. We cannot have a deep, open, honest discussion. He avoids it like the plague, because he never has experienced that nor knows the benefits and that it isn’t painful (that is my conclusion of it). He hides things from me that are nothing to hide and gets angry if I ask questions, which then makes me suspicious.

I need to practice what I preach, but I feel somewhat stuck where I’m at, it is fear of what pushing for change would do, afraid I’d be quitting just when things were going to get better. Lynda, you need to take care of yourself. Go for walks, journal, find a good girlfriend to spend time with, take a class. Get strong emotionally. Seek counsel with a pastor or marriage counselor, and most importantly seek God’s will and live the purpose in life He wants for you. And in the least, consider your health and what he could bring home to you. I’m living proof that your husband can do that to you, unfortunately.

I DID marry this man 20 years ago, and do love him. Most of his personality is charming and lovely – except this "outside woman" thing. It’s as if he needs a fleet of woman standing by to take care of his needs (sex, food, laundry, perfume, clothes, medicines and grooming supplies) should he find himself without a wife. It’s insulting, shallow and makes me feel like his caretaker instead of a cherished wife.

Is this shallowness of devotion normal for a West Indian man? Has the absence of a proper education and/or good nutrition and brutality in the name of love from his beloved mother, caused him to become a man who doesn’t feel things very deeply … unless he’s angry? Anger is the only emotion he allows himself to feel. He has no words for any other emotion – just blank silence.

I’m getting old and have been feeling extremely lonely when I’m around my husband. He’s there in body, but his mind (??) and heart are not. Is this normal for a West Indian male? Or is he retarded? Does anyone know? Peace.

Scripturally, you are totally free to go. If you love him, leaving him may be the only way to wake him up and show him you aren’t a doormat. I will pray for you and hope that maybe things have changed over these months. But you do him nor yourself any favor by allowing his behavior to continue with no consequences.