Sex With an Ex Husband or Ex Wife
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-Cindy Wright – February 1, 2012
Yes, I know, this is a controversial subject, and trust me when I say that I wish it wasn’t one I’d ever have to deal with now or in the future. But the reality is that we are often posed the question of whether a person should have sex with their ex-husband or ex-wife —if that is something God would sanction since they were once married. So here goes.
In broaching this subject, first I need to say that I realize there will be many who will say that divorce is not an option so there are no “exes” involved, which will spiral the question into a whole different direction. And yes, if you don’t recognize divorce as something that is permitable, then I can see why you would think that.
But I am not going to go into that territory here —not now or in any other part of this web site.
At Marriage Missions, we don’t and won’t debate that issue. We stand firm on Scripture knowing that “God hates divorce.” But we are also operating in the “real world” where people (including Christians) DO divorce. In prayerfully considering whether someone should divorce or not, we have come to believe that divorce and remarrying is something that is between them and God, on a one-to-one basis. It is not for us to tell someone to divorce and it is not for us to tell someone to remarry.
We believe we are called to put forth warnings about possible consequences to consider and encourage the person and persons involved to take all their concerns on this issue to God, Himself, and work them through with Him.
Human counselors, advisers, mentors, educators, and such are important to consult (for insights, please see the articles, Scriptures Dealing with Seeking the Counsel of Others, and the article, Applying the Gleaning Principle to Human Advisers). But they aren’t all knowing. Be wise and take all you have thought about and heard and talk to God about it –ultimately, asking for His wisdom and discernment as Truth on matters of concern.
With that said, I have to say that when we are asked whether or not a person should have sex with their ex, our prayerful answer has been that we don’t believe they should. If they believe God has told them that they can divorce, or they find themselves divorced, even though they didn’t want it (their ex initiated it and made it happen), having sex after the divorce can be problematic.
That is why I was excited when I came across an article this morning, which addressed this subject, and confirms what we believe, as well. It further confirmed what we believe and is written so well that I want to share it with you.
Roger Barrier, who used to be our pastor when he lived in our town, is the author. You can read it by accessing the following Crosswalk.com link:
Please let me add a few additional points to all of this. I believe that making love, although the “world” often calls it “having sex,” is a wonderful gift God has given to those who enter into the covenant of marriage. Within the sanctuary of marriage, it is an exciting way of connecting physically, emotionally and spiritually. It can truly be a God-given gift. But when you open this gift outside of marriage, God’s blessing is not upon it. It’s as pure and simple as that.
And when you do something without God’s blessing there are complications, which are put into place.
1. When God is not in it, you will not have the possibility of receiving all of His benefits, in this and other areas of your life. You don’t go against God’s ways and expect that He will bless it.
2. When it comes to making love with an ex spouse, you are giving yourself to someone who is not fully committed to you. You are giving one of the “benefits” of marriage, to someone who has less of a reason to want to be there for you through the good and the bad.
His or her commitment to you is only “as long as.” As long as you do what he or she wants, that part of him or her is available. But when you need more support through difficult situations, it is questionable as to whether you will get it.
Those who martially cleave together physically, emotionally, and spiritually, work together through the good and bad times. If you put yourself out there –expecting less, you will get it. And when you need more, partnership is questionable, as to whether you can count on it. That can leads to all kinds of complications.
3. If you are hoping to someday reconcile with your spouse, you are putting that hope in jeopardy. As the old saying goes, “Why buy the cow, when you get all the milk you want FREE?”
Yes, I know that is crude, but the principle behind that saying, is true. If a spouse can sexually have you and yet have the option to have sex with others (because your vows are broken through the divorce decree), why should he or she go back into marriage? That, in itself, puts complications into place because you are then exposing yourself to the possibilities of contracting S.T.D.’s and AIDS and such.
There are other reasons, as well, to consider (which I hope people will add in their comments). But for now, please consider the following scriptures, as they pertain to this issue:
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” -Hebrews 13:4
“Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” -Proverbs 6:27
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” -1 Corinthians 6:18-20
“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.” -1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
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(UGANDA) I’m glad this subject was attended to cause I honestly believe that as Christians we do most of the time not acknolwedge that although God has set rules, sometimes life happens and things happen and things and people do not react the way they should.
Seeing this article makes me wonder. My husband and I are separated due to our marriage problems. I prayed about our separation. I gave all to God and I know that he knows my intentions regarding the separation. Thing is, do you think it’s fine if him and I have sex during the separation? I ask this because I asked God to relieve me of all my wifely dutys during the separation but now my husband has called asking for sex.
Dear Miss Stang, This is a tough one that you’re asking. At first, my reaction was that you shouldn’t have sex with your husband while being separated. I thought it might obstruct the work you are both to be doing while trying to eventually reconcile. But then I wasn’t sure. I asked my husband without telling him what I thought and he arrived at the same place in switching back and forth. As we both agreed, it’s not something that you could give a definitive answer to –although we both agree that if there is any chance he’s having sex with anyone else and isn’t staying true to you, then you definitely shouldn’t have sex with him unless and until he has gone through tests that show he hasn’t picked up some STD’s or AIDS. That’s important to know.
So, my husband asked a counselor friend of ours and she said, if you’re sure he hasn’t had sex with anyone else (so you would be jeopardizing your health and possibly your life), then morally, ethically, and spiritually there’s nothing wrong with making love to your husband.
But you need to carefully and prayerfully consider if this will cause problems in hurting the possibility of reconciling. If you don’t think it will and you are willing to have sex with him, then she suggests you tell him that you can see that this is a legitimate need. But then tell him that you have some needs for him to work through with you –ones that will help move your relationship toward reconciliation and building a healthy marriage. And then tell him what you see as a need (after praying about what you should ask for).
We have articles on our web site in the “Separation and Divorce” topic, which talk about the importance of using times of separation to work on issues, which are causing problems in your marriage. It’s not just a “get away from each other” time –but one that is to be constructive in working through your issues so you can come back together in a healthier way.
So, consider what you would want to ask of your husband –the needs you see will help your relationship to grow healthier. That is a legitimate exchange because ultimately, you are both trying to help each other with the ultimate goal of helping your marriage get to a better place now and in the future.
(UGANDA) Thanks Cindy. Yes it is truly a tough one considering that one of the reasons for the conflict in our marriage was because my husbnad believes that sex solves everything. He has a belief that we can just ignore our problems and as long as we are having sex everything will sort itself out.
I also wrote because I had had a confirmation from God telling me what to do I just wanted to make sure that I was hearing correctly.I at most times can’t tell the difference between when God is talking to me and the devil is lying to me.
(USA) I have to ask if your intentions are to divorce him? Within marriage is the ONLY application God intended for sex and it should be the joining of two hearts, minds, bodies in love and MARRIAGE. If you are not planning to divorce, are you just playing a game with him or him with you?
That almost always backfires. God does say in the King James that He allows for divorce in the case of adultery but really wants us to work it out if at all possible.
This would go under the “self-control” topic. If you cannot abstain perhaps you should both reconsider your decisions to separate and put as much energy into the marriage as you are the seeing each other during this separation. Please seek God’s counsel in all things but certainly this. Prayers><>
(NAMIBIA) My husband has been in a secret relationship with another woman for many years with whom he fathered a child who is now 7 years. After his exposure he asked for forgiveness and I forgave him and I even proposed that we adopt the child, of which he refused.
Meetings were held with the other woman and her family to discuss how the child should be taken care of. They agreed to the fact that there shouldn’t be any contact of whatever form between them and that the needs of the child be communicated through me. I discovered later that they have been communicating and meeting in secret. When I confront him he denies until I feel that the problem is with me. Some of my peer pastors also belief so.
Now the problem is that since my knowledge about the adultery, I really struggle having intimacy with him. I experience all types of bad feelings and emotions during intimacy. In fact, I feel that my body rejects him. I don’t enjoy intimacy anymore. For me, it feels like torture to have sex with my husband.
I also suspect that he never broke up with this woman because every now and then, there will be things popping up that gives evidence to my suspicions. When I try to discuss this things with him, he becomes angry and defensive.