When it comes to whether you should tell your adult children about the affair, that’s a tough one! You really have to know your children, as to whether they could handle such information in a non-destructive way. And you need to be very prayerful and careful with whatever you decide to do. It could drastically change how they view the parent who had the affair and change how they interact with them in the future.
But it can also be a good thing to hear it from their parents rather than from someone else. These kinds of things have a way of shooting out of the darkness into the light. Your adult children may feel betrayed if they were never told from their parents and had to hear about it elsewhere.
This is something we’d like to hear from you as far as what you think. Have you been in this place yourself or do you know of someone who has? Tell us briefly what happened and whether you think it’s a good idea to tell your adult children about the affair. It could possibly help someone else who is faced with this dilemma.
Before doing so, we’d like you to read an article that appears on the web site for the Beyond Affairs Network (which is directed by Anne and Brian Bercht). It might give you a few additional insights. This web site can be found at www.beyondaffairs.com.
To read this particular article we will provide a link for you below (and then arrow back afterwards to leave comment, if you desire to do so).
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(US) Interesting thought…my husband is having an affair with my son’s classmate’s mother. My kids found out because all the kids at school knew about it and told them. It is not easy at 9 and 13, I guess adult children would fare better.
(USA) I must disagree. Adult children like my own, are devastated by the news. They lose their faith in the person that they always thought they knew, but violated God’s commandment. My father had many affairs and even now after all these years my family only remembers what he did to my mother.
(USA) I told my three teenage daughters. They knew we were having problems in our marriage. They thanked me for telling them the truth. Just as we were starting to heal, we discovered that my husband was still having the affair. Needless to say, we are at square one again. I just pray that their image of their father is repairable. My father had numerous affairs throughout 48 years of marriage to my Mother and he never admitted to them. I hold a bad image of my Dad for not accepting responsibility. My husband has now (after being caught twice) owned up to what he has done. Children need to be taught about forgiveness, but how much is too much?
Dear Lauren, My heart hurts for you and your children. Having lived through this myself when my dad betrayed my mom when I was a teenager, I can tell you (as you know) that the damage is so real for your precious daughters. Your husband will never be able to completely repair the damage he has done to their hearts and is doing to their hearts. And they will never look at him with the same innocence and the same respect they once had. He took that from them.
But even worse would be if he continued living as someone who cheats. My dad eventually repented and worked on his relationship with my mom. Us “kids” have since forgiven him (and so did my mom, before she died). We now have a good relationship with him. But it has come about at a high cost. Oh, if we only realized how much damage is done when we live in deceit for momentary pleasures. The ripple effect goes on for all generations.
You ask how much is too much when it comes to forgiveness? Never is the hurt so severe that forgiveness shouldn’t be applied. Even if the person doesn’t deserve it or ask for it. Forgiveness is not so much for the sake of the perpetrator, but for the person who is imprisoned by the pain of holding onto something that will poison their very being.
We have a whole section on our web site on “Bitterness and Forgiveness.” Please read through it. I believe it will help you and your daughters, as well. You aren’t condoning the wrong actions of your husband by forgiving him. You are handing the “accounting” to God and letting Him handle it and you are removing from your being the poison of bitterness when you forgive.
It will be a painful process to get to that place where you totally release it. But it’s worth the journey! My prayers and concern are with you and your family. I’m so sorry for your pain. I pray your husband finally “gets it” as far as how wrong he has committed and works to turn his life around.
(US) My question is, my fiance is divorced and has 2 kids, a girl 12, and a boy 8. Their mother was having an affair with a guy from work for over a year, my fiance st 7 mos. had no clue. Then he started to find little clues, then she finally told him. So to go on, his divorce is over 3 years ago.
His daughter who is 12 this Saturday said to me that she blames the divorce on her dad and she is angry at him because he choose to divorce. She wanted to know the truth of what happened between her parents. I said I am not getting in the middle and that I know for a fact that it was not your dads fault (because the ex wife blames the dad). “Your mom” I said, “made the choice of what she did to end the marriage and that it is not my position to tell what happened.”
So I told my fiance what went down and he wants to know if he should be honest and tell her since she wants to know? He doesn’t want her to bottle her feelings up like her mom does and that is the steps his daughter is following in. He is wanting to know if this is the right choice before she finds out from others when she is older. A lot of parents in our area know about what happened so does he tell her the truth before it’s too late??
(USA) Yes, you should be honest with your children. Give age appropriate details. If someone broke their vows, say marriage is a vow where you promise before God to give yourself to your spouse and no others. Your mother decided to give herself to others instead of me, and my attempts to convince her to honor her vow failed as she continued to see other men in a romantic fashion. I believe I had no choice but to divorce her since she was making a mockery of the vows she took.
At any time, she had the option to end those relationships and recommit to the marriage. She chose to continue and the marriage was ended.
He should own filing for divorce, but be 100% transparent about his rationale and steps he took to save the marriage before arriving at that decision.
(USA) My parents got divorced years and years ago, when I was a teenager. There had always been a rumor that he was having an affair with a co-worker. A few years after my parents divorce, this coworker wound up divorced from her husband as well, and lo and behold (according to what they told me at the time) they just decided to start dating. Right.
I think parents should be up front, otherwise your children can easily draw the conclusion that you see them as stupid. For years and years they have kept up this story that they never had an affair. If I were to question them about it today, I’m sure even now they would deny it. But I have had everyone else and their uncle, cousin, dog and pet hamster tell me otherwise. I wonder when they will realize I am no longer “the youngest one in curls” and treat me like an adult (i.e….just stop lying and tell the truth).
(U.S.) We had to tell our adult children because I had a breakdown. My husband of 30 yrs had a 13 yr affair and when I found out we were trying to work this out. And after my break down we had to tell them why I had to be hospitalized. They handled it a lot better than I expected. They are supportive and have said that they will honor whatever I decide to do. They were upset of course, that I waited to have a breakdown before I confided in them. They have put no pressure on me to leave him or not. They are standing by both of us and of course, hope we can work this out.
(USA) I am a 40 year old child that just found out that her father cheated, and has a 33 year old daughter to show for it. For all of those years relatives covered for him as he lived a double life, and took time away from me and my mom to go and sleep in another woman’s bed and stay in her house with another child. I’m over the initial shock and anger.
I think that as a grown adult, my father should tell me why he cheated on me and my mom. I really feel like he cheated on me too. But my dad does not think that he needs to say anything more. He is not humble at all. He is mad that I met and talked with the girl who is supposed to be my sister. I’m not mad with her—she did not ask for this situation, and neither did I. She is filling in all of the “blanks” for me. And I tell my mom everything.
The both of us have been in the dark for so long, the thought of me keeping that info from her made me sick, so I told her what I found out, because my dad really was not telling her anything. He had the nerve to get mad at me because of that. Well, I laughed at him and almost told him what he could go and kiss for me. He does not think that my mom needs to know any of that “stuff”, and I’m just getting in the middle of their marriage.
Sorry, my dad has been manipulative enough!!! Manipulation is not love in my book!!! I want my mom to know everything so that she can make a well informed decision. I hope that my mom does leave him. Heck, she’ll be just fine—they can divide all of the material things. She can live in one house, and he in another. Or she can come and live with me if she wants to.
I am just so sick of my dad still trying to tell lies, being manipulative and controlling of my mom. That’s what really stinks more than anything else. I don’t even call my father dad anymore—I now call him by his first name. In my mind, the person that I knew as my dad would never have done that to us.
(U.S.A.) It’s better to tell them as soon as possible or else it will get worse.