When it comes to whether you should tell your adult children about the affair, that’s a tough one! You really have to know your children, as to whether they could handle such information in a non-destructive way. And you need to be very prayerful and careful with whatever you decide to do. It could drastically change how they view the parent who had the affair and change how they interact with them in the future.
But it can also be a good thing to hear it from their parents rather than from someone else. These kinds of things have a way of shooting out of the darkness into the light. Your adult children may feel betrayed if they were never told from their parents and had to hear about it elsewhere.
This is something we’d like to hear from you as far as what you think. Have you been in this place yourself or do you know of someone who has? Tell us briefly what happened and whether you think it’s a good idea to tell your adult children about the affair. It could possibly help someone else who is faced with this dilemma.
Before doing so, we’d like you to read an article that appears on the web site for the Beyond Affairs Network (which is directed by Anne and Brian Bercht). It might give you a few additional insights. This web site can be found at www.beyondaffairs.com.
To read this particular article we will provide a link for you below (and then arrow back afterwards to leave comment, if you desire to do so).
To read the article:
Print This Page (printer-friendly)
Email This Page
and do your online shopping. 
4 comments so far ↓
1 Laura // Nov 15, 2007 at 10:27 pm
(US) Interesting thought…my husband is having an affair with my son’s classmate’s mother. My kids found out because all the kids at school knew about it and told them. It is not easy at 9 and 13, I guess adult children would fare better.
2 Jeff // Dec 14, 2007 at 7:47 pm
(USA) I must disagree. Adult children like my own, are devastated by the news. They lose their faith in the person that they always thought they knew, but violated God’s commandment. My father had many affairs and even now after all these years my family only remembers what he did to my mother.
3 Lauren // Jun 5, 2008 at 3:02 pm
(USA) I told my three teenage daughters. They knew we were having problems in our marriage. They thanked me for telling them the truth. Just as we were starting to heal, we discovered that my husband was still having the affair. Needless to say, we are at square one again. I just pray that their image of their father is repairable. My father had numerous affairs throughout 48 years of marriage to my Mother and he never admitted to them. I hold a bad image of my Dad for not accepting responsibility. My husband has now (after being caught twice) owned up to what he has done. Children need to be taught about forgiveness, but how much is too much?
4 Cindy Wright // Jun 5, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Dear Lauren, My heart hurts for you and your children. Having lived through this myself when my dad betrayed my mom when I was a teenager, I can tell you (as you know) that the damage is so real for your precious daughters. Your husband will never be able to completely repair the damage he has done to their hearts and is doing to their hearts. And they will never look at him with the same innocence and the same respect they once had. He took that from them.
But even worse would be if he continued living as someone who cheats. My dad eventually repented and worked on his relationship with my mom. Us “kids” have since forgiven him (and so did my mom, before she died). We now have a good relationship with him. But it has come about at a high cost. Oh, if we only realized how much damage is done when we live in deceit for momentary pleasures. The ripple effect goes on for all generations.
You ask how much is too much when it comes to forgiveness? Never is the hurt so severe that forgiveness shouldn’t be applied. Even if the person doesn’t deserve it or ask for it. Forgiveness is not so much for the sake of the perpetrator, but for the person who is imprisoned by the pain of holding onto something that will poison their very being.
We have a whole section on our web site on “Bitterness and Forgiveness.” Please read through it. I believe it will help you and your daughters, as well. You aren’t condoning the wrong actions of your husband by forgiving him. You are handing the “accounting” to God and letting Him handle it and you are removing from your being the poison of bitterness when you forgive.
It will be a painful process to get to that place where you totally release it. But it’s worth the journey! My prayers and concern are with you and your family. I’m so sorry for your pain. I pray your husband finally “gets it” as far as how wrong he has committed and works to turn his life around.
Join the Discussion!