I confronted him about it (one or more of the sites had viruses which infected my computer and I ended up having to junk it), and he got very angry, telling me that he is a grown man and that he is paying the bills, and it felt like I was his mother looking over his shoulder at everything he did. I then asked him why did he have the prepaid phone, did he have an affair? At first he said no, but then he turned around and said that yes he did, with a woman who sold insurance to the city workers, (he is a retired cop).

Well my feelings were crushed as I tried to figure out why he did it. Note this; I am not perfect, I do and have done my share of wrongs, but I repented and asked God for forgiveness of each offense and sin that I had perpetrated against others in my life. Anyway, after he told me who the woman allegedly was and where she lived, I insisted that he get an AIDS test done. He said there was no need to do that which puzzled me a lot.

During that time my children were old enough to understand, and they both came into my bedroom when they heard me scream out after finding those pictures. Both of them asked me what happened and I told them. It was not hard to figure that out; the pictures were all on the bed of the naked women. My daughter was a teenager and my son was preteen. After my husband confessed to the alleged affair, I broke down into tears and depression sank down on me deeply, even the music director at the church I had attended said that he felt it. He prayed for me, but I was too far gone mentally and emotionally. I spoke again to my children and told them that daddy said he had an affair with another woman and that is why you see mom crying so much.

My husband said he was sorry, and because I was so depressed he said that maybe I should go and “talk to someone that specializes in marital discord”, but he refused to go, saying that he did not need to, that he was not depressed, but he said that he would be glad to drive me to them. A couple of years later, I found evidence of another cell phone by way of the bill coming to address, and realized again that my husband was lying to me. This time he said that the cell phone was for use with when he was at work, which he claimed to have used it for the coworkers alone, but did not tell me. His brother knew he had it though. Apparently he purchased the cell phone around the time that I found the other prepaid one.

A few weeks later, I got another strong feeling that something was not right with his story about the affair, so after seeking advice from a couple of my choir mates, I confronted him about it, and I told him he best tell the truth because I was going to file for divorce if he did not (I had already started taking steps in that direction anyway). He said “truth; I never had an affair with the woman I claimed to have, I made it all up because you told me that I needed to take a shower, so I stayed dirty and stinky on purpose to get back at you. I wanted you to think that if you did not want me regardless of how I smell and how disgusting I look, that there was someone out there who would.

My husband, was driving me to those meetings for me to TRY to get over an affair that my husband never had, and when I did ask him why did he let me believe for so long that you had an affair, he says he does not know, but I knew; as long as I felt that there was someone else, he figured that I would continue with my marital “obligations”.

My kids, now both grown up, daughter 20, son almost 17, would hear me crying late at night, and finally (also because they could hear my husband and I arguing) my son came to me and told me that he was old enough to hear what was going on, and asked me to please tell him what happened. I felt it better to tell them so I sat down with him first and let him know, and then my daughter. My daughter got angry, but for more reasons than that; I had her from a previous relationship, my husband is her step-father, and she already felt insecure about her biological dad abandoning her. My son however, kept his feelings to himself for a while, but later on he made it very clear to my husband that he did not like what he did to me. My son became closer to me, while my daughter accused me of trying to break her relationship with my husband up. She changed her tune after a while, realizing that I did not bring this on myself.

Since all that has transpired, my relationship with my husband is strained. I have forgiven him, but I still remember the hurts, and still feel like he played me for a fool. I don’t trust him anymore; and I question everything that he does. The hurt that I feel from what he did is still in my heart and I don’t know if it will ever go away. There is no intimacy between us and has not been for about four years now, and even after all that took place, he still will not wash up; he will wait for about a week before he showers, and just being around him makes me sick, physically sick. Because we have adopted abandoned and neglected animals over the years, it is not that easy to just pick up and move on, plus I have no job, got several medical problems that derived from what took place between my husband and I, so I have no other place to live.

I was horrified. I got played by my husband, and made to look like a fool. My body could take it no more, the depression sank back deeper than before, and I put on massive weight, all without eating. I barely ate so how could I get so heavy? Then because of the rapid weight gain, my ankles started swelling up, and my knees started hurting. My beautiful hair fell out, and I just did not want to go on.

He was told that he needed counseling, he refused to go with me nor alone. Finally, one day he did go to see the shrink with me. When he got there, they let him know this; you are insecure about how you look, you don’t like yourself, you are jealous of your own wife because of how she looks and the attention she gets while on the flip side, no woman is looking at you and when you look in the mirror at yourself, the truth has turned you ugly on the inside about yourself which you then put on your wife by hurting her.

The bottom line is this though; he is still bitter over the fact that I told our kids what happened, yesterday he made no bones about the fact that I should not have told them, that it was none of their business which I totally DISagree with, and he blames me for his relationship with his son being so distant. He was told by the shrink to stop placing blame on others when he needs to hold himself accountable for the things he did, but he is still angry and bitter.

Me, I don’t know what to do. I can’t stand being in the same house with him, yet at this time I have no choice. I try to be civil, but arguments still do break out. I don’t know if anyone has every gone through what I have, but I could sure use some advice.

I think that as a grown adult, my father should tell me why he cheated on me and my mom. I really feel like he cheated on me too. But my dad does not think that he needs to say anything more. He is not humble at all. He is mad that I met and talked with the girl who is supposed to be my sister. I’m not mad with her—she did not ask for this situation, and neither did I. She is filling in all of the “blanks” for me. And I tell my mom everything.

The both of us have been in the dark for so long, the thought of me keeping that info from her made me sick, so I told her what I found out, because my dad really was not telling her anything. He had the nerve to get mad at me because of that. Well, I laughed at him and almost told him what he could go and kiss for me. He does not think that my mom needs to know any of that “stuff”, and I’m just getting in the middle of their marriage.

Sorry, my dad has been manipulative enough!!! Manipulation is not love in my book!!! I want my mom to know everything so that she can make a well informed decision. I hope that my mom does leave him. Heck, she’ll be just fine—they can divide all of the material things. She can live in one house, and he in another. Or she can come and live with me if she wants to.

I am just so sick of my dad still trying to tell lies, being manipulative and controlling of my mom. That’s what really stinks more than anything else. I don’t even call my father dad anymore—I now call him by his first name. In my mind, the person that I knew as my dad would never have done that to us.

I think parents should be up front, otherwise your children can easily draw the conclusion that you see them as stupid. For years and years they have kept up this story that they never had an affair. If I were to question them about it today, I’m sure even now they would deny it. But I have had everyone else and their uncle, cousin, dog and pet hamster tell me otherwise. I wonder when they will realize I am no longer “the youngest one in curls” and treat me like an adult (i.e….just stop lying and tell the truth).

At any time, she had the option to end those relationships and recommit to the marriage. She chose to continue and the marriage was ended.

He should own filing for divorce, but be 100% transparent about his rationale and steps he took to save the marriage before arriving at that decision.

His daughter who is 12 this Saturday said to me that she blames the divorce on her dad and she is angry at him because he choose to divorce. She wanted to know the truth of what happened between her parents. I said I am not getting in the middle and that I know for a fact that it was not your dads fault (because the ex wife blames the dad). “Your mom” I said, “made the choice of what she did to end the marriage and that it is not my position to tell what happened.”

So I told my fiance what went down and he wants to know if he should be honest and tell her since she wants to know? He doesn’t want her to bottle her feelings up like her mom does and that is the steps his daughter is following in. He is wanting to know if this is the right choice before she finds out from others when she is older. A lot of parents in our area know about what happened so does he tell her the truth before it’s too late??

But even worse would be if he continued living as someone who cheats. My dad eventually repented and worked on his relationship with my mom. Us “kids” have since forgiven him (and so did my mom, before she died). We now have a good relationship with him. But it has come about at a high cost. Oh, if we only realized how much damage is done when we live in deceit for momentary pleasures. The ripple effect goes on for all generations.

You ask how much is too much when it comes to forgiveness? Never is the hurt so severe that forgiveness shouldn’t be applied. Even if the person doesn’t deserve it or ask for it. Forgiveness is not so much for the sake of the perpetrator, but for the person who is imprisoned by the pain of holding onto something that will poison their very being.

We have a whole section on our web site on “Bitterness and Forgiveness.” Please read through it. I believe it will help you and your daughters, as well. You aren’t condoning the wrong actions of your husband by forgiving him. You are handing the “accounting” to God and letting Him handle it and you are removing from your being the poison of bitterness when you forgive.

It will be a painful process to get to that place where you totally release it. But it’s worth the journey! My prayers and concern are with you and your family. I’m so sorry for your pain. I pray your husband finally “gets it” as far as how wrong he has committed and works to turn his life around.