How good are you at mind reading? How about your spouse? If you’re anything like we are, you find mind reading a really frustrating experience — one to be avoided at all costs if possible. And yet sometimes, even though we find it frustrating, and we know better, we find ourselves falling into the trap of expecting each other to read our minds. And from what we read, and from what we gather, as we talk to more and more married couples, mind reading seems to be an expected form of communication in most marriages today.

Although most couples wouldn’t admit that they participate in this form of non-verbal communication, how many times have you heard (or said) similar statements to these: “Well he/she should know how I feel about this or that”,”He/she should know that would upset me.” “They should know how important that is to me.” “They should know I would (or wouldn’t) like that.” “They should know better than that.” “They have eyes; can’t they see I could use their help?” Or,“If I have to ask for that, why bother?” “They should know better; after-all, they’re an adult aren’t they? Do I have to spell out everything I need from him (or her)?”

Do any of the above statements and questions sound familiar? In our 30+ years of marriage, we’ve probably used them all, plus a few more—which is sad to say—but we’re learning! We truly believe, when mind reading is taken out of the marriage as an expected form of communication, husbands and wives and families can be spared a multitude of unnecessary frustration.

There’s way too much time and energy being wasted on hinting, hoping, and assuming — guessing, misinterpreting,and misreading instead of just plain asking or telling what is wanted or expected in a simple clear way.

We’re told in the Bible, “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures. A wise man has great power, and a man of knowledge increases strength; for waging war you need guidance, and for victory many advisers” (Proverbs 24:3-6). So to help us as we wage a “war” in our marriages against miscommunication, we’d like to share with you a few simple communication tools that we’ve learned about from some very gifted advisor’s on this matter.

The first comes from a letter that appeared in an email article from “Smart Marriages” in November of last year, it was from a woman who says this technique has helped her and her husband “when faced with daily decisions like: ‘Would you like to watch a movie?’ or, ‘Should we have my parents over Thursday?’” etc. Sometimes “it can be difficult to determine exactly how the other person really feels based on his/her response.

So “to take the mystery and guesswork out of the decision-making equation, we quantify our feelings about a particular proposal by ‘doing the numbers’.” Outlined step-by-step here’s how it works:

1. Formulate and state the question, by saying, “How much would you like____.” and then end it with a statement of action, like: “to watch a movie? -or- “to have my parents over Thursday?”

2. Pause a moment to come up with a number between 1 and 10 that quantifies your feelings about the activity under consideration. Zero means that under no circumstances do you want to do it. Ten means that you definitely want to do it. Five means that you’re completely neutral.

3. When both people have a number in mind, count out loud to 3 and then say your respective numbers. (Although we think it works better for us to each write the number down on a piece of paper and share that number with each other at the same time. Whatever works for you, adapt it accordingly. Just make sure that you’re completely honest with the number you come up with. There’s to be no “game playing” in this one. It’s a time for honesty and a time to give grace if your numbers vary greatly.)

4. If the total of your numbers is 11 or greater, then you do the activity. If the total of your numbers is 10 or less, then you don’t do the activity.

With this system you don’t end up doing things that neither of you really cares to do, nor does the more forceful personality inadvertently impose his or his will on the more reticent or easygoing spouse. Because you know that eleven is the cut-off and you share your numbers together at the same time, it’s possible to make and express an honest assessment of how much or little you want to do something without being influenced by what you think the other person wants.

We think this tool is easy enough for anyone to use. You can even have an index card on your refrigerator that outlines these basic steps so it’s handy to pull out and use whenever needed.

Another simple communication tool we want to share with you comes from Sandra Aldrich’s book: Men Read Newspapers Not Minds (which we highly recommend). Sandra shares a “CREATIVE NUMBER TECHNIQUE” that was shared by a lady she knows.

She wrote, “While trying to make a decision as to whether to attend a family event”, this lady’s “husband’s gentle resignation” caught her attention. As she pondered the dilemma, she turned the invitation over and drew a chart—5 squares in a row, numbered from 1-5. Then she labeled each square in a row, numbered from 1-5. Then she labeled each square:

#1. I really don’t want to do this.

#2. I don’t want to do this, but I’m willing to talk about it.

#3. I don’t care one way or another.

#4. I’d like to do this, but I won’t die if we don’t.

#5. Yes, this is very, very important to me.

This lady’s husband surprised her with how strong he felt on the issue because he didn’t appear to have such strong feelings on the matter. After discussing the subject further, they came up with a plan that made them both agreeably happy with the decision. And as Sandra shares, “That good bonding time would never have happened if she hadn’t come up with a better way to communicate with her husband.”

This is another simple tool that can be written on an index card and put on the refrigerator for handy reference at the appropriate time. The Bible tells us, “Through presumption comes nothing but strife, but with those who receive counsel is wisdom” (Proverbs 13:10 NASB). We pray the above tools will help you (us) to leave presumption behind and truly work towards better communication in our marriages.

If any of you has another communication technique that’s helped you to better share your real feelings with each other or a suggestion or advice, we’d love if you would pass it along to us so we could possibly share it in an upcoming message. The purpose of this e-mail service is to help all of us to pro-actively work to make our marriages the best they can be. It’s like the old saying, “live, learn, and pass it along.

Every person that we meet knows something we don’t; learn from them.” As we learn from each other, that knowledge can benefit not only our own marriages, but the positive ripple effect can multiply it’s benefits beyond wherever we could imagine.

Because of Christ,
Steve and Cindy Wright

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