When we hurt, whether physically or emotionally, our first instinct is to try to stop the pain —which most any human being would understand. Somehow, some way, we try to find ways to stop that which is hurting us —especially if we feel deeply afflicted. It’s a common reaction.

Even King David talked about escaping the pain he was going through. He’s quoted in Psalm 55:6-8 as saying,

“I said, ‘Oh, that I had wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest —I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.’”

It sounds tempting at times, doesn’t it? In the book, The Walk Out Woman, author Dr Steve Stephens says this,

“In many ways, difficult emotions can be more painful than a physical injury. Our friend Keely writes, ‘When you are hurting, your heart feels as though it will break into a thousand pieces —or just stop working altogether.’ Some of the clients I see in my practice say there are times when they feel so much pain they wonder if they are going crazy or if they might even die. No wonder their first thought is to escape in some way —in any way. Emotions can be so intense that they distort your thinking and tempt you to consider options that are irrational, unhealthy, or in direct opposition to your core values.”

Divorce may seem like it’s the only way to end the pain. But does it really accomplish the end of pain? Or does it exchange one pain for another?

“Some might refer to divorce as ‘getting out and getting on with your life’ Saying it that way actually makes it sound appealing. After all, divorce, in many cases, seems like the easy way out. Although everyone knows divorce is traumatic, emotionally wearing, and painful, making the decision to just stop trying often looks a whole lot easier than getting back in the ring and continuing to slug it out.

“Staying seems to require a deep well of time and energy, and great personal sacrifice and risk that even Job couldn’t endure. Cutting and running just seems like the only viable alternative. If you’re lucky, maybe your troubles will remain ‘back there’ somewhere. And if you’re really lucky, the divorce will allow you to quit feeling defeated, ashamed, angry, bitter. Even if those negative emotions follow you, they have to be less after leaving than they would be if you stayed. Is that true?” (Dr Tim Clinton, “Before a Bad Goodbye”) Preview or Purchase This Book Now

According to Dr Clinton, as he explains later in the book, many, many times, it isn’t true. The following is something you may want to consider You may want to prayerfully consider:

“Whatever the reasons behind the decision, most people ending a marriage hope to improve the quality of life for themselves and their children. They hope to find a new love, a more enriching relationship, a more responsive sexual partner, a more supportive companion, a better provider. Failing that, they hope to establish a single life that will provide greater opportunity for self-respect, contentment, and serenity, or at least, less turbulence, intrusiveness, and hurt.

“People want to believe that divorce will relieve all their stresses —back we go to square one and begin our lives anew. But divorce does not wipe the slate clean. …Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead when they decide to divorce. Life is almost always more arduous and more complicated than they expect.” (Judy Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce)

Author Michele Weiner Davis puts it another way,

“In my work, I’ve had a bird’s eye view of what happens in people’s lives after divorce. I have seen the intense pain and despair that linger for years. I have seen times when every birthday, holiday, or other causes for celebration have been nothing more but painful reminders of a divorce. I have seen the triggering of unpredictable, hurtful events such as the total rejection by the children of the parent seeking the divorce. I have known children who, even many years after the divorce and their parents’ subsequent remarriages, still want to know if Mom and Dad will ever get back together.

“Now, after three decades of our social experiment with rampant divorce and disposable marriages, I know it isn’t a matter of people keeping their marriages together because they can, it’s a matter of people making their marriages work because they should. Divorce stinks!” (From the book “The Divorce Remedy”) Preview or Purchase This Book Now

There are so many recent findings that show us that the long-term effects of divorce is more devastating than most people realize. It’s not exactly a “stress reliever” or a way of leaving yourself of “troubles” but rather, it is an exchange of one set of troubles for another.

“The idea of living in a loveless marriage starts to feel like a death sentence. Over time, many of these people slowly convince themselves that the benefits of leaving their marriages vastly outweigh the benefits of staying. They tell themselves, ‘Kids are resilient, they’ll bounce back,’ or ‘In the long run, this will be better for everyone.’ It’s not until they embark on the path to divorce and begin to piece their lives back together that they discover the real price they paid for their so-called ‘freedom.’ Regretfully, this painful discovery comes too late. They have fallen into the divorce trap.” (Michele Weiner Davis, “The Divorce Remedy”)

Michele goes on in her book with a letter written by a woman named Joan, who fell into that trap, only to later regret it. She writes:

“Dear Michele,
I was married for 18 years and we have three terrific children. I instigated a divorce. It was final six months ago. Now, I am having second thoughts.

I never imagined that I would feel this way because, for years, I was so miserable in my marriage. I thought that once I got out, we all would be better off. At first, it was a relief to get away from all the arguing. However, I could not anticipate how quickly the feelings of relief would turn to pain. The look on my children’s faces when they talk to their dad on the phone or when they come back from weekend visits has been more than I can bear.

What surprises me the most though is the fact that I find myself thinking about my ex all the time. He is far from perfect, but I now realize I could have made more of an effort to learn how to deal with the things that irritated or hurt me. Now I am haunted by the fact that my divorce destroyed not only a marriage but a family.”

Another letter, written by a man who is divorced, and has lived to regret the pain it has brought with it, is posted on the Smart Marriages web site. And although it’s not a Christian ministry it’s a very good organization that we recommend highly.

We need to warn you that there are several profane words in the article, but the message of the rest of the article is outstanding! It’s well worth reading. To read the article in its entirety:

• WHEN A FAMILY MAN THINKS TWICE

We urge you to consider slowing things down and thinking twice about reinvesting in the marriage you’re in, and looking even harder for ways to make it healthy.

The following is an article that explains the importance of rethinking things, despite the relationship crisis you are encountering. It appears on the web site for the National Institute of Marriage. Please click onto the link provided below to read it:

• SLOWING DOWN IN A CRISIS

And then lastly, and so importantly, there is a something posted on the Smart Marriages web site that we believe would greatly help you during this time. Getting a divorce is too important of a decision to make without considering everything possible that can be done beforehand. To read what they have posted, please click onto the following link:

• BEFORE YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT DIVORCE…

If you have any additional thoughts you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.