Happily married couples who want to stay that way need to know one thing: A lot of happily married people have extramarital affairs. That’s an essential finding of psychologist Shirley Glass www.shirleyglass.com, a leading expert on infidelity. She says affairs usually start like this: A married man or woman strikes up a friendship with a co-worker. It starts out innocently but grows into something more and soon a lot of people are getting hurt.
If more people realized that this can happen to almost anyone, perhaps there would be fewer betrayals and divorces, she says. “I’m not saying that a bad marriage won’t make you vulnerable [to an affair],” she says. “I’m saying that’s not the only thing that can make you vulnerable. A lot of people who see themselves as loving and devoted can find themselves in this dilemma.”
Glass should know. She’s treated hundreds of unfaithful spouses and has researched the subject for nearly three decades. Her conclusions? That many affairs could be prevented if couples understood these risks and that the affairs that do occur can be overcome — albeit through a sometimes painful but ultimately therapeutic process of talking through what happened.
“It’s not the sex, it’s the deception that destroys a marriage,” says Glass, 67. “How can you trust anyone again who has looked into your eyes and lied to you?”
In her book, NOT “Just Friends” (The Free Press), Glass outlines her findings and explores the hows and whys of affairs. It’s a complex subject. And she thinks it’s an evolving behavior— with more affairs starting with emotional, rather than sexual, relationships.
Studies suggest that 44 percent of husbands and 25 percent of wives have had sexual relations outside marriage, she notes. It’s not confined to a “particular class, occupation or age,” Glass writes. “Infidelity can occur in any household, not just in situations where partners are promiscuous or rich and powerful. No marriage is immune.”
Myths and reality
Glass says she is frustrated by the many myths that are perpetuated about affairs. Among them: that cheating partners usually leave clues, that a person who’s having an affair will lose interest in spousal sex, that a straying partner will find fault in his or her spouse. The reality, she says, is that most affairs are never detected, that married sex will often get better during an outside affair and that unfaithful spouses will sometimes act quite devoted at home (if only to cover their outside behavior).
“The people I see [after an affair] say they wish they could go back 5 years before it happened,” she says. “They didn’t think about the consequences. They act like teen-agers, romantically swept away.”
The workplace has become the prime launching pad for modern infidelity, according to Glass, with studies showing that 62 percent of straying men and 46 percent of women found their extramarital partners there. She notes that two decades ago, fewer affairs started at work because fewer women were there (particularly women acting as peers)— a point that hasn’t exactly endeared her to feminists.
“Today’s workplace is the most fertile breeding ground for affairs,” she writes. “The observed increase in women’s infidelity is because more women are in the workplace and more women are in professions that were previously dominated by men.”
Fellow therapists say Glass’ findings are important because few psychologists have studied the field as exhaustively as Glass, a one-time Baltimore City school psychologist who began studying infidelity while studying at Catholic University in the 1970s. She found it the ideal topic for a dissertation — relatively little-studied by academia to that point.
“If you don’t get good information about what to do [after an affair], it can be very difficult to put a marriage back together,” says Diane Sollee, a longtime Washington, D.C. —based marriage educator and director of SmartMarriages.com. “People think if you have a good marriage and you bake cherry pies and do everything right; your marriage will work out. It’s just not the way it is.”
Pat Love, a fellow therapist and author, says she agrees with Glass that affairs cause marriages to turn bad more often than bad marriages cause affairs. “If you meet enough people, you’ll eventually find someone with whom you have chemistry,” says Love, who is based in Austin, Texas. “Having an affair doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner.”
Radical healing
Glass believes the best way to heal a marriage post-affair is to have a full accounting of what happened. The spouse who’s been betrayed has a right to know the specifics, she says, down to how they met, what they talked about, where they went and even details of sexual encounters. Such close examination not only de-romanticizes the infidelity (it can no longer be a private secret), it helps re-establish intimacy in a marriage, Glass says.
It’s a controversial approach and can be extraordinarily painful for both partners in the marriage. Studies show that about one third of marriages don’t survive an affair. But if a couple is committed to keeping their union intact and commits to this process, it can emerge “stronger than if there’d never been an affair,” she says.
Dr. Eileen Mager, a Pikesville psychologist and longtime colleague, says failure to explore the “nitty-gritty” of an affair can haunt a relationship. “More traditional therapists may disagree, but it’s really essential for the partner’s healing and putting the affair behind,” Mager says. “We gauge this based on what the betrayed spouse needs to know. Sometimes, they need to know little. It’s a customized thing.”
Glass says that despite so many years of dealing with infidelity, she can still empathize with couples who have their marriage torn apart by affairs. Only occasionally, she says, does she meet betrayers so narcissistic that they feel no regret. “Seeing so many cases, it has made me a bit more cynical, I suppose,” she says. “Certainly, I’ve been deceived by clients, too. My sleaze detector doesn’t always go off.”
Glass has some first-hand experience with marriage. She and her husband Barry, 70, a retired accountant and business consultant, have been married 47 years. They have raised two daughters, Randi, 46, a San Francisco literary agent, and Karen, 41, an executive for Disney, and a son, Ira, the 44-year-old host and producer of the critically acclaimed This American Life program on public radio.
Glass says it may sound zealous but the best way to insulate a marriage against infidelity is to maintain some boundaries with members of the opposite sex. That means it can be all right to have friendships, but highly personal subjects should be off-limits. “People very seldom expect it to happen to them,” she says. “They don’t expect to ever be in that position, but when they are, it’s a catastrophe.”
The above article, titled, “Staying in a Marriage Rocked by Straying” written by Peter Jensen, was first featured in the newspaper The Baltimore Sun on August 10, 2003.
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(USA) Fabulous article and SO true…….but now what??
(USA) I just found out my husband is in a relationship. I say relationship because this has been going on for over 6 years.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband has had three affairs in the last three years. I have had to live with his lies and deception. I think the hardest part for me is knowing that he falls deeply in love with these women and would give up everything for them. The last affair was over the internet and I even found his application form for immigration to New Zealand.
I feel devastated that he loves them in this way, and that he would give me up at the drop of a hat should they agree to any sort of commitment. He has now left home and we have been separated for nearly two months. He always said that it was ME that he loved but I would not believe him. I have prayed for God to take control. I still love my husband but am not prepared to share him with other women. It’s all or nothing, does anyone out there understand my feelings?
(SOUTH AFRICA) I recently caught my husband sleeping with his Personal Assistant. Even though I have always suspected that their relationship was more than a working one & in a way had suspected that they had been or would at some point sleep together, having it happen has shattered me. At the same time it has given a dot of relief in that my suspicions have been confirmed. I am an emotional wreck right now though because I don’t think that I will ever be able to trust him again. In as much as I would like to try to make the marriage continue and work, I don’t know if I can do it.
The major reasons for fearing that I may not be able to trust him again is that firstly, the PA is still working for and with him. I have forgiven her and told her so and a part of me feels sorry for her in that she may have to lose her job. He offered to relieve her of her duties to avoid the situation happening again but I often wonder if this was the first time they slept together and also if this was the first woman he has been unfaithful with. His job takes him away from home a lot.
I also lately have felt as if God is telling me not to allow her to lose her job and THIS IS SO HARD TO IGNORE. My flesh definitely wants to see her gone. But in my heart, I have this nagging feeling that that is not what I am meant to do. The second reason is that I am struggling to believe his story ,that this is the first time they slept together and want to ask him this again and then ask her to see if she gives me the same version. I feel as if this will somehow give me a starting point to work on trusting him because if I at least know that he told me the truth about this, he may deserve my trusting him again going forward.
Question is, what if I ask them both and I get different versions? I don’t know if I could even stand being in the same room with him then. What scares me is also the fact that we have two beautiful blessings from God and how leaving him may shatter their lives. But I also wonder about the impact on them if I were to stay in the marriage being unhappy! Please pray for me to strong and for him to give his life to Jesus. He is a non believer and I so look forward to the day that we go to church together.
(ROI) Hi Ladies, I have been reading a lot of comments on this site and I feel sorry for all those of you who have been cheated on. Allow me to help you right there- Firstly I would like to say there is nothing impossible with God. I know most of your are hurting badly because of the disappointments but one thing I know is God has not changed. He will do what He said He will do. Please do not let the enemy keep you stuck in a place of drought.
It does not matter how bad your situation is. You may think God is late with your answer but look He is always on time. Remember when Lazarus was sick, his sisters tried to hurry and tell Jesus that their brother was sick but Jesus do not go when he was still sick, He then went days after. Lazarus’s sisters said to Jesus it’s too late now, he is already smelling but you know what ladies, Jesus called Lazarus from the dead and he came back to life (paraphrasing).
Please do not give up on your marriage. God is able to turn your situation into a great testimony if you let Him that is. I know it’s very difficult to forgive your husband when he cheats on you, but look here, if you ask God to help you He will and you will be able to forgive. Now it’s very important to forgive whether you will stay in the marriage or not. I say so because unforgiveness will hold you up in the future. If you are hurt and heart broken it’s not going to be healthy for any relationship.
Now let me give you a few tips on how to keep your marriage going- Sometimes we Christian women kind of relax a bit. Please hear me well. I say sometimes, not all the time, and not all of us. I pray that God will help us work on our marriages. It’s a fact that there are women out there looking for your husband and it takes a man who is grounded in the word of God to be able to resist like Joseph did.
Have a look at the list below and hopefully you will get some help,
-Pray for your marriage daily especially in the morning before you do anything else.
-Keep yourself clean especially at least an hour before bed time.
-Be creative in cooking, decorating the house and don’t do the same thing all the time.
-Be organized in what you do e.g don’t be running behind time, there should be order in the way you do things. I mean in everything. I know we not super human beings but try your best with the help of God.
-Be trustworthy with finances. Be open and tell the truth always. Let me help you. There some women who give their parents money behind hubby’s back. This is wrong. Give your husband his place in your marriage. The Bible says he is the head of the home so let it be so, even if you earn more than him. That does not change the order of God.
-Be sweet in the way you talk to your hubby. Men do not like yelling wives. Even when you are angry make sure your communication does not leave you in the wrong instead.
-When it comes to his relatives make sure they have nothing bad to say about you. Let what’s in the inside of you come out to prove who you are really, just as that shows it’s Christ living in you. Have a Christlike character.
- Don’t be lazy when it comes to sex. I know sometimes you are really tired and you don’t feel like it. But please don’t make excuses all the time.
-Don’t stay 3 months with same hair style please.
-Tell him you love him always. Don’t wait for him to tell you first all the time.
I hope you get some help on how to keep you man ladies. To tell you the truth when they go to the mistress she will do anything to keep him, so watch out. Give him more than what he can ever get from women on the street.
(USA) I think your prayer is great and helpful. Your suggestions are somewhat of an insult. I did all these things and worked so hard my feet hurt at night, 2 small kids that I did everything for. I took care of meals for his 1st marriage kids. I make almost 3 times what he makes, yet he gambles away most of his check. He is a complete, selfish and abusive shell of a man. I loved my 2 kids very much and am going to stay for their sake. Before you judge or assume, consider that most men are not as smart as women and there are some who just do not respond to a good 100% Christian women. Change your hairstyle, are you nuts?
(USA) Ana, I’m so sorry you are hurting in your marriage. What you describe sounds so unfair and difficult to take. I admire your care for your kids and am sure they are blessed to have you in their lives.
But I encourage you to please give a bit more grace in your replies to comments such as the one above yours. I’m not sure if you noticed or not, but SC is not from the U.S., but rather from a country where our cultures bring out different approaches than you might feel would work for your marriage. And actually, her advice would work for many American marriages as well, but from what you perceive and have found — not yours.
As you read what is posted on this web site be aware that this is an international ministry that works with different cultures. Not all advice given will work for every situation — whether there is a cultural difference or not. It’s wise to pray, glean the advice that will work for your marriage, and don’t use that which you discern won’t apply. “One size” does not always “fit all”.
And as far as “most men” not being as smart as women… I personally think that’s an insult to “most men.” Yes, there are many that wouldn’t respond to your approach, but there are also many women who are abusive and unwise in their approaches as well. I hate to say that because I’m a woman and I feel bad saying that, but we receive many, many letters that never get posted (per the man’s request) that shows what I am saying to be true. Please don’t judge “most men” by the neglectful behavior of yours and other men you may know. “Most” of the men I know are quite “smart” and are great husbands as well (not perfect — but neither are their wives, and neither am I).
(USA) As one with an IQ of 147 I take serious offense to the most men are not as smart as most women. Perhaps that attitude leads your husband to believe that time spent away from home, gambling is a better use of his time than sticking around to hear how little money he makes, how much less intelligent he is, and how much you do around the house.
If what I read is reflective of your marriage, he may feel there is no room, nor need for him in your life, so he just does his own thing.
But then I only have an IQ of 147, so maybe I’m not smart enough to pick up on these things. However, I do believe I’m showing you a lot more grace than you’ve offered your husband. I’m also expressing how insulting what you wrote was for me to read. I could be wrong, but it doesn’t seem too smart to run down your husband. It appears to go against your vows to love, honor, cherish, etc. Those vows, the last I read are not contingent upon his actions, but were promises of how you would treat him. I don’t think what you wrote about him is consistent with such vows. But then again, I’m not sure my IQ is high enough to meet your standards.
If you won’t listen to me, then go back an re-read what Cindy said, she seems reasonably smart as well.
BTW, an IQ of 147 puts me well in the 99th percentile, meaning my score is higher than over 99% of the population. Yes I’m a sort of rocket scientist, LOL.
(USA) I have learned that there are 2 people in a marriage and these 2 people should talk to each other. Never discuss with someone of the opposite sex ANYTHING wrong with your marriage. The one who steps outside of the marriage for emotional or sexual needs is the one who has violated the marriage. They are very selfish in that they don’t talk openly with their spouse and could prevent infidelity. It is like they have played, felt guilty, and then place a heavy harness around their spouse’s neck and then say "deal with it, I’m over it now, you handle it". The wounded spouse doesn’t have a clue how it started, details, etc. and will probably NEVER have all they need to know.
But yet they have to deal with it, heal, and help the other to move forward. Communication could and should have prevented it from every happening in the first place. The adulterer moves on and the wounded wrestles the rest of their life with the hurt. They heal eventually, but the hurt is still there. Marriage does get better, but there is nothing worse than knowing that your spouse has been with another.
(USA) I have cheated on my wife several times in our marriage and to her credit she is essentially done with me. Growing up, my parents cheated on each other and their marriage was horrible and I vowed I would never hurt my spouse the way they hurt each other.
Well, I have become that which I feared the most. The difficult part is she believes I never loved her, I never did anything for her and really I always believed I never mattered to her. I was always the one who’d call and ask how her day was, tell her I loved her. I was the one who always picked the little gifts because I thought it would be nice to surprise her. I found the bed and breakfast we’d liked to go to yearly to be spontaneous and adventurous.
I was patient and understood when her mom was at our home every day and calling at all hours of the night going through her own problems. I have tried to measure up and answer the call in every way I knew how. I should have relied on God more and I failed.
You see, my wife is a wonderful women, but prior to all this she hardly talked to me. I couldn’t tell you how she felt about much of anything, she always had something to do. I tried to tell her how I felt but she would tell me I felt otherwise or she’d fall asleep when I just wanted to talk to her about anything.
I found myself asking for just a few minutes of her time. As for lovemaking, she is virtually half sleep most nights. I felt I always had to fight her for the right to be a man in my own home; I always felt second guessed. I realized I just felt emasculated, it was always about me. I was always the problem, always to blame, always having to do more, always needing a seminar or some tool to prove I was worth the effort.
I was always playing catch up to her, shaping myself to fit her idea of what a husband should be with zero room for error and she in turn not having to respond to my needs because I was the only one who needed to change.
2008 was horrible year. I lost my job, my mom has been battling liver failure and she is very abrasive towards me in her own right. I was dealing with feeling like a complete failure for getting laid of, trying to take care of my mom spending late nights in the emergency room at the local hospital 3 to 4 times a month. I am an only child so I have no help. My mom was telling me every other day how I am a failure as a father, son and man. Trying to be a good husband and father all at once and it tore me to shreds.
I tried to talk to my wife about it but she just seemed disinterested. I was stressed out completely,overwhelmed. I stopped trusting God and felt I had no where to turn so I turned the wrong way – not because of sex, I just needed someone to talk to and I threw it all away. It’s not my wife’s fault that I was weak and I gave another person access into our lives but I wish once she’d try to see my heart, see the world through my eyes, see me, understand me, hear me instead of passing final judgment on me because I am a moral failure and beyond redemption.
Maybe I shouldn’t hold on; maybe I shouldn’t fight for our marriage but I believe God is not done with me yet. I do love my wife and in my heart I feel and I believe that there is something worth holding on to and so I am struggling to let go. I recognize I have done too much, whatever good will I had is gone and she may not feel the same about me. Still I pray that God will help us both and not just save but make our marriage better. I refuse to believe divorce is the only way to solve a crisis in a marriage.
(USA) My husband had a very short lived affair with a woman that was my best friend. Or so I thought. It all sounds odd, but growing up in this small town, we all have known of each other since we were teenagers, not really friends just known of. I became friends with this woman and we seemed to click right away. She always knew what to say and what to do and was everything any woman could ask for in a best friend. Even when others told me that wasn’t her true self I would say you just don’t know her. I really thought that what others in our community told me was untrue.
Our family hit a rough spot and she stepped up to babysit for our two children. After a few weeks on June 24th my husband came home early from work. (We work at the same place.) She caught him coming out of the bathroom and started kissing him and he let the sexual affair happen. I started to suspect something was wrong in just a few days after. I felt I was stabbed with a double edge sword. How could two people I loved so much do this to me?
On June 30th I accused them and my husband and I had the biggest fight we had ever had. In his attempt to cover up what had happened he demanded that I call her and aplogize for the way I acted. He later told me he really just wanted to pretend it didn’t happen and cover it up. They both had me convinced that I wrong and over-reacting. So I called and apologized. She of course was so understanding and said I was just under so much stress lately that I wasn’t acting like my normal self and that everything would be ok. I believed this for a while and then on July 22nd I found the truth out.
I went to her house and confronted her. I was very calm and just wanted her to finally admit the truth and stop telling lies. She didn’t. My husband broke down and showed true regret and really hated himself for what he had done. This is what made me stay. We quickly started to work on our marriage and figure out why it happened and what went wrong. Through our conversations we found that this woman had been manpulating us both for a long time, planting seeds of doubt wherever she could.
We discovered that basically we had let the devil in our home. Such deciet, such lies! I’m not saying this lets him off the hook. Far from it. It just made it a little easier to undertand the how and whys of it all. Just as we were beginning to work on things my dad got sick. It was July 29th when my dad was transferred to a major hospital, the best in our region. We knew then that he was sicker than what our local doctors first thought. My husband was by my side through everything and was the man that I fell in love with 10 years ago.
My dad passed away on Aug.8th. And then came all the other things that follow a death in the family. So here we are. We never got to finish dealing with his affair it was kind of put on hold and everything else that went with it. It wasn’t like he had an affair with some stranger. I was betrayed by both of them.
How do we start picking up the pieces again? I know what this site says about dealing with it as soon as you can. But what about our situation where so much time has passed since I found out the truth, began to deal with it and then had to bottle it up. What do we do now?
(USA) Dear Jenny, Please know that healing comes in many different forms and ways and through different timing and circumstances. It’s not a “one size fits all” situation or “one time fits all”. God doesn’t heap everything onto us at once when we work through issues, if He knows we can’t handle that (for whatever reason).
We are to keep leaning upon Him and “in the proper time” — whether it is through bits and pieces or through giant steps here and there or through one big time and then little times of sweeping up and tending to that which we didn’t get to the first time around, or whatever, we will experience victory.
From what I read, you have been on a good path. Just pick up and work on that which you can when you can. You might go to different articles and different web sites that we have posted and use them as your therapy treatments to talk together and find ways to unite in marriage partnership. There are also recommended resources and such as well. Just keep leaning towards having a healthy relationship and don’t give up. I pray God will give you strength and discernment and hope and will reveal His truth to you so you will grow stronger in your love for each other than ever before.
“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)
(USA) I first found out that my wife was having an internet affair on Thanksgiving day 2008. I was devastated. During Christmas, we went out to dinner and she apologized. In Febuary, I found out that she was having another internet affair. Again I was devastated. We went for a family vacation to Florida and while walking by the beach, she said let the waves wash away the past and start anew. I believed her. Then in April, I found out that she was seeing an older man she met in a dog park and this time she actually had sex with him. It tore me apart.
Even after 3 affairs, I still love my wife although I am mad as —- with her. This time she is on the fence. She does not know if she wants to continue this marriage. We have 3 little kids. I have been struggling for the past 3 months and I feel I am losing the battle. The only recourse is to protect myself from further hurt and seek divorce.
I am still holding out for hope and I have been praying for God to save our marriage. I can’t keep loving someone who keeps hurting me. My sanity is at the brink of collapse.
(USA) Hi. You are blessed for keeping the good fight of faith. The Bible says those who let the Holy Spirit lead them, are children of God. People dissapoint us in many ways but we don’t give up, because we dedicate everything we do as unto the Lord, who sees everything happening around us. Unfortunately some people choose “pleasure” not realising that it will all pass away and we will be accountable for all the hurt we caused. Stay in the comfort of the Word of God. I am praying for you.