Happily married couples who want to stay that way need to know one thing: A lot of happily married people have extramarital affairs. That’s an essential finding of psychologist Shirley Glass www.shirleyglass.com, a leading expert on infidelity. She says affairs usually start like this: A married man or woman strikes up a friendship with a co-worker. It starts out innocently but grows into something more and soon a lot of people are getting hurt.
If more people realized that this can happen to almost anyone, perhaps there would be fewer betrayals and divorces, she says. “I’m not saying that a bad marriage won’t make you vulnerable [to an affair],” she says. “I’m saying that’s not the only thing that can make you vulnerable. A lot of people who see themselves as loving and devoted can find themselves in this dilemma.”
Glass should know. She’s treated hundreds of unfaithful spouses and has researched the subject for nearly three decades. Her conclusions? That many affairs could be prevented if couples understood these risks and that the affairs that do occur can be overcome — albeit through a sometimes painful but ultimately therapeutic process of talking through what happened.
“It’s not the sex, it’s the deception that destroys a marriage,” says Glass, 67. “How can you trust anyone again who has looked into your eyes and lied to you?”
In her book, NOT “Just Friends” (The Free Press), Glass outlines her findings and explores the hows and whys of affairs. It’s a complex subject. And she thinks it’s an evolving behavior— with more affairs starting with emotional, rather than sexual, relationships.
Studies suggest that 44 percent of husbands and 25 percent of wives have had sexual relations outside marriage, she notes. It’s not confined to a “particular class, occupation or age,” Glass writes. “Infidelity can occur in any household, not just in situations where partners are promiscuous or rich and powerful. No marriage is immune.”
Myths and reality
Glass says she is frustrated by the many myths that are perpetuated about affairs. Among them: that cheating partners usually leave clues, that a person who’s having an affair will lose interest in spousal sex, that a straying partner will find fault in his or her spouse. The reality, she says, is that most affairs are never detected, that married sex will often get better during an outside affair and that unfaithful spouses will sometimes act quite devoted at home (if only to cover their outside behavior).
“The people I see [after an affair] say they wish they could go back 5 years before it happened,” she says. “They didn’t think about the consequences. They act like teen-agers, romantically swept away.”
The workplace has become the prime launching pad for modern infidelity, according to Glass, with studies showing that 62 percent of straying men and 46 percent of women found their extramarital partners there. She notes that two decades ago, fewer affairs started at work because fewer women were there (particularly women acting as peers)— a point that hasn’t exactly endeared her to feminists.
“Today’s workplace is the most fertile breeding ground for affairs,” she writes. “The observed increase in women’s infidelity is because more women are in the workplace and more women are in professions that were previously dominated by men.”
Fellow therapists say Glass’ findings are important because few psychologists have studied the field as exhaustively as Glass, a one-time Baltimore City school psychologist who began studying infidelity while studying at Catholic University in the 1970s. She found it the ideal topic for a dissertation — relatively little-studied by academia to that point.
“If you don’t get good information about what to do [after an affair], it can be very difficult to put a marriage back together,” says Diane Sollee, a longtime Washington, D.C. —based marriage educator and director of SmartMarriages.com. “People think if you have a good marriage and you bake cherry pies and do everything right; your marriage will work out. It’s just not the way it is.”
Pat Love, a fellow therapist and author, says she agrees with Glass that affairs cause marriages to turn bad more often than bad marriages cause affairs. “If you meet enough people, you’ll eventually find someone with whom you have chemistry,” says Love, who is based in Austin, Texas. “Having an affair doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner.”
Radical healing
Glass believes the best way to heal a marriage post-affair is to have a full accounting of what happened. The spouse who’s been betrayed has a right to know the specifics, she says, down to how they met, what they talked about, where they went and even details of sexual encounters. Such close examination not only de-romanticizes the infidelity (it can no longer be a private secret), it helps re-establish intimacy in a marriage, Glass says.
It’s a controversial approach and can be extraordinarily painful for both partners in the marriage. Studies show that about one third of marriages don’t survive an affair. But if a couple is committed to keeping their union intact and commits to this process, it can emerge “stronger than if there’d never been an affair,” she says.
Dr. Eileen Mager, a Pikesville psychologist and longtime colleague, says failure to explore the “nitty-gritty” of an affair can haunt a relationship. “More traditional therapists may disagree, but it’s really essential for the partner’s healing and putting the affair behind,” Mager says. “We gauge this based on what the betrayed spouse needs to know. Sometimes, they need to know little. It’s a customized thing.”
Glass says that despite so many years of dealing with infidelity, she can still empathize with couples who have their marriage torn apart by affairs. Only occasionally, she says, does she meet betrayers so narcissistic that they feel no regret. “Seeing so many cases, it has made me a bit more cynical, I suppose,” she says. “Certainly, I’ve been deceived by clients, too. My sleaze detector doesn’t always go off.”
Glass has some first-hand experience with marriage. She and her husband Barry, 70, a retired accountant and business consultant, have been married 47 years. They have raised two daughters, Randi, 46, a San Francisco literary agent, and Karen, 41, an executive for Disney, and a son, Ira, the 44-year-old host and producer of the critically acclaimed This American Life program on public radio.
Glass says it may sound zealous but the best way to insulate a marriage against infidelity is to maintain some boundaries with members of the opposite sex. That means it can be all right to have friendships, but highly personal subjects should be off-limits. “People very seldom expect it to happen to them,” she says. “They don’t expect to ever be in that position, but when they are, it’s a catastrophe.”
The above article, titled, “Staying in a Marriage Rocked by Straying” written by Peter Jensen, was first featured in the newspaper The Baltimore Sun on August 10, 2003.
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7 comments so far ↓
1 Scout // May 15, 2008 at 3:45 pm
(USA) Fabulous article and SO true…….but now what??
2 Margaret // Sep 26, 2008 at 11:20 am
(USA) I just found out my husband is in a relationship. I say relationship because this has been going on for over 6 years.
3 Rose // Nov 19, 2008 at 11:32 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband has had three affairs in the last three years. I have had to live with his lies and deception. I think the hardest part for me is knowing that he falls deeply in love with these women and would give up everything for them. The last affair was over the internet and I even found his application form for immigration to New Zealand.
I feel devastated that he loves them in this way, and that he would give me up at the drop of a hat should they agree to any sort of commitment. He has now left home and we have been separated for nearly two months. He always said that it was ME that he loved but I would not believe him. I have prayed for God to take control. I still love my husband but am not prepared to share him with other women. It’s all or nothing, does anyone out there understand my feelings?
4 Mariam // Mar 3, 2009 at 8:32 pm
(SOUTH AFRICA) I recently caught my husband sleeping with his Personal Assistant. Even though I have always suspected that their relationship was more than a working one & in a way had suspected that they had been or would at some point sleep together, having it happen has shattered me. At the same time it has given a dot of relief in that my suspicions have been confirmed. I am an emotional wreck right now though because I don’t think that I will ever be able to trust him again. In as much as I would like to try to make the marriage continue and work, I don’t know if I can do it.
The major reasons for fearing that I may not be able to trust him again is that firstly, the PA is still working for and with him. I have forgiven her and told her so and a part of me feels sorry for her in that she may have to lose her job. He offered to relieve her of her duties to avoid the situation happening again but I often wonder if this was the first time they slept together and also if this was the first woman he has been unfaithful with. His job takes him away from home a lot.
I also lately have felt as if God is telling me not to allow her to lose her job and THIS IS SO HARD TO IGNORE. My flesh definitely wants to see her gone. But in my heart, I have this nagging feeling that that is not what I am meant to do. The second reason is that I am struggling to believe his story ,that this is the first time they slept together and want to ask him this again and then ask her to see if she gives me the same version. I feel as if this will somehow give me a starting point to work on trusting him because if I at least know that he told me the truth about this, he may deserve my trusting him again going forward.
Question is, what if I ask them both and I get different versions? I don’t know if I could even stand being in the same room with him then. What scares me is also the fact that we have two beautiful blessings from God and how leaving him may shatter their lives. But I also wonder about the impact on them if I were to stay in the marriage being unhappy! Please pray for me to strong and for him to give his life to Jesus. He is a non believer and I so look forward to the day that we go to church together.
5 SC // Mar 4, 2009 at 3:02 pm
(ROI) Hi Ladies, I have been reading a lot of comments on this site and I feel sorry for all those of you who have been cheated on. Allow me to help you right there- Firstly I would like to say there is nothing impossible with God. I know most of your are hurting badly because of the disappointments but one thing I know is God has not changed. He will do what He said He will do. Please do not let the enemy keep you stuck in a place of drought.
It does not matter how bad your situation is. You may think God is late with your answer but look He is always on time. Remember when Lazarus was sick, his sisters tried to hurry and tell Jesus that their brother was sick but Jesus do not go when he was still sick, He then went days after. Lazarus’s sisters said to Jesus it’s too late now, he is already smelling but you know what ladies, Jesus called Lazarus from the dead and he came back to life (paraphrasing).
Please do not give up on your marriage. God is able to turn your situation into a great testimony if you let Him that is. I know it’s very difficult to forgive your husband when he cheats on you, but look here, if you ask God to help you He will and you will be able to forgive. Now it’s very important to forgive whether you will stay in the marriage or not. I say so because unforgiveness will hold you up in the future. If you are hurt and heart broken it’s not going to be healthy for any relationship.
Now let me give you a few tips on how to keep your marriage going- Sometimes we Christian women kind of relax a bit. Please hear me well. I say sometimes, not all the time, and not all of us. I pray that God will help us work on our marriages. It’s a fact that there are women out there looking for your husband and it takes a man who is grounded in the word of God to be able to resist like Joseph did.
Have a look at the list below and hopefully you will get some help,
-Pray for your marriage daily especially in the morning before you do anything else.
-Keep yourself clean especially at least an hour before bed time.
-Be creative in cooking, decorating the house and don’t do the same thing all the time.
-Be organized in what you do e.g don’t be running behind time, there should be order in the way you do things. I mean in everything. I know we not super human beings but try your best with the help of God.
-Be trustworthy with finances. Be open and tell the truth always. Let me help you. There some women who give their parents money behind hubby’s back. This is wrong. Give your husband his place in your marriage. The Bible says he is the head of the home so let it be so, even if you earn more than him. That does not change the order of God.
-Be sweet in the way you talk to your hubby. Men do not like yelling wives. Even when you are angry make sure your communication does not leave you in the wrong instead.
-When it comes to his relatives make sure they have nothing bad to say about you. Let what’s in the inside of you come out to prove who you are really, just as that shows it’s Christ living in you. Have a Christlike character.
- Don’t be lazy when it comes to sex. I know sometimes you are really tired and you don’t feel like it. But please don’t make excuses all the time.
-Don’t stay 3 months with same hair style please.
-Tell him you love him always. Don’t wait for him to tell you first all the time.
I hope you get some help on how to keep you man ladies. To tell you the truth when they go to the mistress she will do anything to keep him, so watch out. Give him more than what he can ever get from women on the street.
6 Sapphire // Mar 16, 2009 at 10:42 am
(USA) I have learned that there are 2 people in a marriage and these 2 people should talk to each other. Never discuss with someone of the opposite sex ANYTHING wrong with your marriage. The one who steps outside of the marriage for emotional or sexual needs is the one who has violated the marriage. They are very selfish in that they don’t talk openly with their spouse and could prevent infidelity. It is like they have played, felt guilty, and then place a heavy harness around their spouse’s neck and then say "deal with it, I’m over it now, you handle it". The wounded spouse doesn’t have a clue how it started, details, etc. and will probably NEVER have all they need to know.
But yet they have to deal with it, heal, and help the other to move forward. Communication could and should have prevented it from every happening in the first place. The adulterer moves on and the wounded wrestles the rest of their life with the hurt. They heal eventually, but the hurt is still there. Marriage does get better, but there is nothing worse than knowing that your spouse has been with another.
7 Robert // May 4, 2009 at 11:06 am
(USA) I have cheated on my wife several times in our marriage and to her credit she is essentially done with me. Growing up, my parents cheated on each other and their marriage was horrible and I vowed I would never hurt my spouse the way they hurt each other.
Well, I have become that which I feared the most. The difficult part is she believes I never loved her, I never did anything for her and really I always believed I never mattered to her. I was always the one who’d call and ask how her day was, tell her I loved her. I was the one who always picked the little gifts because I thought it would be nice to surprise her. I found the bed and breakfast we’d liked to go to yearly to be spontaneous and adventurous.
I was patient and understood when her mom was at our home every day and calling at all hours of the night going through her own problems. I have tried to measure up and answer the call in every way I knew how. I should have relied on God more and I failed.
You see, my wife is a wonderful women, but prior to all this she hardly talked to me. I couldn’t tell you how she felt about much of anything, she always had something to do. I tried to tell her how I felt but she would tell me I felt otherwise or she’d fall asleep when I just wanted to talk to her about anything.
I found myself asking for just a few minutes of her time. As for lovemaking, she is virtually half sleep most nights. I felt I always had to fight her for the right to be a man in my own home; I always felt second guessed. I realized I just felt emasculated, it was always about me. I was always the problem, always to blame, always having to do more, always needing a seminar or some tool to prove I was worth the effort.
I was always playing catch up to her, shaping myself to fit her idea of what a husband should be with zero room for error and she in turn not having to respond to my needs because I was the only one who needed to change.
2008 was horrible year. I lost my job, my mom has been battling liver failure and she is very abrasive towards me in her own right. I was dealing with feeling like a complete failure for getting laid of, trying to take care of my mom spending late nights in the emergency room at the local hospital 3 to 4 times a month. I am an only child so I have no help. My mom was telling me every other day how I am a failure as a father, son and man. Trying to be a good husband and father all at once and it tore me to shreds.
I tried to talk to my wife about it but she just seemed disinterested. I was stressed out completely,overwhelmed. I stopped trusting God and felt I had no where to turn so I turned the wrong way - not because of sex, I just needed someone to talk to and I threw it all away. It’s not my wife’s fault that I was weak and I gave another person access into our lives but I wish once she’d try to see my heart, see the world through my eyes, see me, understand me, hear me instead of passing final judgment on me because I am a moral failure and beyond redemption.
Maybe I shouldn’t hold on; maybe I shouldn’t fight for our marriage but I believe God is not done with me yet. I do love my wife and in my heart I feel and I believe that there is something worth holding on to and so I am struggling to let go. I recognize I have done too much, whatever good will I had is gone and she may not feel the same about me. Still I pray that God will help us both and not just save but make our marriage better. I refuse to believe divorce is the only way to solve a crisis in a marriage.
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