Couples today are not prepared for the consequences that result from the insult cycle in their marriages. Yet, many end up as victims. As time passes, these cycles become vicious whirlwinds. Scripture tells us that we can stop these insult cycles by returning a blessing when wronged or insulted.

Our human nature does not want to offer a blessing after receiving an insult. Our instinct is to follow the example: “I’ll show him. He hasn’t seen anything yet! I’ve just begun to fight.” In our rights-oriented society, God’s way seems ridiculous and painfully slow. We don’t think it will work. Rather, we want change instantly because we live in an instant society. Remember, God’s ways are not always our ways and His timing is not ours either. What’s happening in your marriage? Are you ready to listen to God?

To better understand what God means when He says to return a blessing when insulted, we need to define what the Scripture refers to as an insult and a blessing. There are many examples of each, and we will look at several.

Concerning insults, the Scriptures give many exhortations. Seven are particularly relevant to marriage:

1. Name-calling. God admonishes us not to belittle others. Name-calling is always a threat to marital love and causes fear in the one receiving the insult. Any consistent negative reference to someone is demoralizing and destroys self-confidence.

But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. (Matthew 5:22)

2. Sarcasm and ridicule. Dwelling on intellectual, social, or physical ineptness certainly hampers marital oneness. Examples: “You burned the food again!” “Why are you so quiet when we’re with our friends? I wish you’d just speak up!” “You can’t do anything right!”

A fool’s lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating. (Proverbs 18:6)

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)

3. A nagging wife. Scripture is bold in its condemnation of a woman who doesn’t trust or respect her husband enough to stop nagging on any given subject. “How many times do I have to tell you?” or “You never do this for me,” or “You always come.”

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 21:9)

A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. (Proverbs 27:15-16)

4. A contentious man. Scripture speaks just as forcefully of a quarrelsome man who is always picking a fight. This kind of macho man thinks he is always right, refuses to back down, bullies his wife, and is too arrogant to ask for forgiveness.

As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife. (Proverbs 26:21)

5. An unbridled tongue. Scripture speaks of the powerfully negative effect of the tongue when it is not controlled. We can poison and destroy another person by using profanity, cutting remarks that put down each other, and always citing the negative in any situation. Sometimes the effects can scar our mate or child for life.

Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. (James 3:5-10)

6. Lying to your spouse. Scripture speaks of the serious consequences of not telling the full truth, covering the truth, or using little white lies. This results in a lack of trust and openness between spouses and causes disunity.

Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord. (Proverbs 12:22)

7. Insult and abuse in general. Immorality (which would include adultery and pornography), sorcery, enmities (including profanity), strife, dissensions, drunkenness, and unrighteousness of all types are grouped in this last category.

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. (Galatians 5:19-21)

When you are wronged, God says to bless a person instead of insulting him. An insult is usually the natural human response, while blessing a person requires a decision of the will and empowerment by the Holy Spirit. Consider the following uses of blessings in Scripture, and apply them to your marriage.

1. Giving praise to God.

Immediately his mouth was opened and his tongue was loosed, and he began to speak, praising God. (Luke 1:64)

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (Luke 6:27-28)

I thank God, whom I serve, as my forefathers did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers. Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy. I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. (2 Timothy 1:3-6)

Concerning your mate, ask yourself, What positive qualities about my mate can I use to verbally praise him or her?

2. Giving thanks to God for His gifts and favor.

Immediately his mouth was opened and his tongue was loosed, and he began to speak, praising God. (Luke 1:64)

Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying: “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all people, a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel.” (Luke 2:28-32)

Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to set before the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. (Mark 6:41)

Concerning your mate, ask yourself, What qualities about my mate am I thankful for, and how can I communicate this to him or her?

3. Calling down God’s favor.

As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right. (1 Samuel 12:23)

Concerning your mate ask yourself, What specific areas of my mate’s life should I pray that the Lord will bless?

4. Benefits bestowed.

Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to set before the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. (Mark 6:41)

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” (Luke 11:13)

Consider benefits (such as gifts, acts of service) that you can bestow upon your mate.

5. Seeking counsel.

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel. (Proverbs 27:9)

Honor your spouse by seeking his or her advice.

6. Encouragement and fellowship.

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:1-4)

Consider areas of your spouse’s life where you can encourage him or her. Ask yourself, Am I spending enough quality time so I know what is really on his or her heart?

You know what blesses and what insults your mate. If you don’t, simply ask your mate. These example from Scripture are mentioned to broaden your perspective. Become an expert on how to bless your spouse, and then practice giving blessings.

Remember, “Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return” (Luke 6:38).

If you are always critical, criticism will come back to you. If you are an encourager, encouragement will come back to you. It is your choice. Give agape love and it will be returned.

The above article comes from the great book, 2 Becoming One by Don and Sally Meredith, published by Christian Family Life, Inc. In this book Don and Sally share time-tested principles and practical insights that will help you build a Christ-centered marriage. You’ll learn: The 6 reasons marriages fail, God’s three purposes for marriage, the two forces for change in a marriage, how to end the insult-for-insult cycle, and much, much more!

You can actually purchase the book, companion work book, a couples kit, leaders guide and even a leaders kit for a group course study, written by the Meredith’s, at their web site at http://www.2becoming1.com. (The above article is just a sampling of the great material that you will read in this book.) On this web site they also offer devotional articles for you to read. We recommend that you check it out (and even obtain their book and/or other resources at the same time if it’s possible).

Don and Sally Meredith are marriage counselors and authors who have taught relationship principles for married couples, parents, and adult singles for over 30 years. They authored the book and workbook, Two Becoming One. In 1971, they founded Christian Family Life, to further the training of lay people, and in 1976 co-founded the FamilyLife Ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. The Meredith’s have four grown children and reside in Charlotte, North Carolina.

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