Have you ever looked at someone else’s spouse and thought, “Oh how I wish my spouse…?” Or have you every looked at someone else’s marriage and thought, “Oh how I wish I had a marriage like that…” and then you found yourself less satisfied with your situation than you were before you let your mind go down that imagination trail?

“Be on the alert,” is the message the Bible tells us in 1 Peter 5:7 because “your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” How much do you think it will entertain the enemy of our faith if you end up being devoured by the green-eyed monster of envy to the point where you become less satisfied with the direction God is leading you in how you participate in your marriage? We think it will be a major victory against God’s ways of conducting ourselves because the Bible says “Do not covet.” So, “be on the alert” and don’t give in.

When you get caught up in the “compare snare” of comparing your life with someone else’s you slide down a slippery slope where your imagination can distort your perceptions. You can end up thinking the other person’s life is better than it is in reality and yours is worse than it is.

We got the idea for this Marriage Message from an article published in the Winter 2004 issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine titled, “The Compare Snare.” It brought back to my memory something the Lord showed me (Cindy) a long time ago — to keep my eyes on my own path. I got caught up in envying others in their circumstances rather than putting my energy into living within mine so that God would receive glory as He worked within and through me.

I realized that whenever I take my eyes off the path I’m walking on, and I start looking at another’s path, I can stumble and fall a lot easier because my eyes aren’t directed where they should be. It distracts me from being “content whatever the circumstances” as the Apostle Paul states in Philippians 4.

The Bible says in Psalm 37:23-24, “If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.”

Do you really think the Lord will be delighted if we fall into the “compare snare” and covet what someone else has? The prayer of our hearts should be, “Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior and my hope is in you all day long” (Psalm 25:4-5).

In the above mentioned article, author Suzanne Woods Fisher says this: “Comparing and coveting aren’t passive feelings. If unchecked, they can hurt us. Envy can lead to a deep dissatisfaction, insists psychologist Maria Nemeth. This dissatisfaction can, in turn, lead to a depressing cycle of feeling deprived and angry. A pattern of comparing and coveting can take root in our thinking and become sinful. The Bible tells us to ‘take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ’ (2 Corinthians 10:5). Clearly, God’s concerned with our thoughts.” And He is!

A problem discussed in this article is how “comparisons often distort our perceptions.” We can start to imagine other spouses and marriages less flawed and more perfect than they really are.

Comparisons can also lead us into temptation. Suzanne told of a woman named Linda who found this to be true. She writes,

“After 20 years, Linda felt like giving up on her marriage—and just at that point, along came a man blessed with gifts in areas (her husband) Tim lacks—their pastor. ‘He was gifted in communication and I felt a real connection with him,’ Linda says. ‘Soon I found myself looking for ways to spend more time with him, joining committees to be near him, dropping by events where I knew he’d be. I became preoccupied with our pastor, which caused frustration with Tim to grow exponentially.

“Without even being aware of it, I started to have an ‘affair of the heart’—something I never dreamed I’d be capable of. Finally God convicted me of what I was doing and how my thoughts were hurting my relationship with Tim and with God. I confessed my thoughts to Tim and though we were able to work though it, we ended up leaving the church. Even though this emotional affair never progressed into adultery, I knew it could, given the right circumstances. And it all started with how I compared my husband to another man.’”

The “Compare Snare” may not personally lead you down the path of having an “affair of the heart” but you never know when you start to allow yourself to imagine things you shouldn’t. Many who thought “it would never happen to them” tragically found out that it did.

The author Suzanne Fisher went on to tell how, at one point, she found herself envying those who had bigger and nicer homes than hers. Eventually, she said, “We repainted rooms, replaced dead plants, and reshuffled furniture to fit the space.” … “I found my attitude changed, too. I began to focus on what I have and began to enjoy and appreciate our home. I noticed aspects of it I’d overlooked, and was surprised to find I became much less critical of others.”

She goes on to say, “That same strategy works in marriage. When I pay attention to areas that need work and improvement, and appreciate what I do have rather than dwelling on what I don’t, I find myself enjoying a stronger, healthier marriage. The lesson to me is to take care of what I have, give thanks, and the right attitude will follow.”

What a great lesson! Never allow your imagination to run away in useless wishing—dwelling on what might have been or what you think it should have been. Dwell on what it is and what it can be as you adjust your life to God’s plan for you in your present situation. “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its same, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” (Hebrews 12:1-3)

Please know that our love and prayers are with you in this mission.

Cindy and Steve Wright

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