Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening?
Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice?
Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations (i.e. making few demands), you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses that, if left unattended, can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety, and the like stemming from their marriage. Since these issues are usually played out in the home, I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the single most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship progresses, or rather, fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment and futility become entrenched, and faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed, and their husbands fail to supply that need. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men, unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs, perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. At least at an unexpected level, they are begging for someone to show them a better way to relate to their wives. In these cases, the potential for counseling success is very strong. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating, but she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit; if he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can, frankly, be emotionally abusive.
It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions and would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem; therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore; so what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane.
He then—and this is a key—begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion, a distraction—in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, to get rid of them, for he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions or even, to some extent, downplaying them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious; she certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level that she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful: the silent treatment, pretended agreement, constant forgetfulness, procrastination, laziness, temper outbursts, work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment, to prevent the boat from rocking, you see, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying, persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays. If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists, and the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. He avoids commitment and personal accountability. A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability, and that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of, so he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance—exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden; the wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied (in other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice). The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship, for a thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused. With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear, and that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down, so he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics; it must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs—a stable leader—for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance. Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two.something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync. Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing, something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands but are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time, but she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction: an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal. Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth.
Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books, enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars. They invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life and why they need to make the needed adjustments. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change. Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior—reacting instead of pro-acting—this woman eventually loses heart as she realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized. Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience, and the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves, protesting or cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized. “When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?”
In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
In short, to improve your own satisfaction and happiness, a major step is to put your own house in order. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. And even if you do not experience the adjustments in your mate that you have hoped for, you will still be a more stable and content individual. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
The above edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner Preview or purchase this book now.
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you want to read this book along with your spouse (if he desires to do so) Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
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(AUSTRALIA) Hi, our communication is so bad as described above, that he moved out. I am shocked and angry, although I know that the change had to be made. That said, I miss him dreadfully, and don’t know how he is……
(ZAMBIA) Hello, my husband cant communicate. At the moment he is on suspension at work (for over a year) and I can’t just get through to him no matter what I try. It is so frustrating because I am the only one who is putting in the effort, when it’s him with problems. I don’t know what to do, I love him but his silence is driving me crazy, what can I do before I find myself leaving him – which I do not want? If only he could be more open enough. I Love him and want the best for him.
(ZAMBIA) Hello, my husband is a bad communicator. He has been on suspension for over a year and really he has distanced himself. I have tried what I can to make him open up to me, but i have failed. This is driving me crazy, because am fed up now. I love him very much and I don’t want to leave him, but the wedge between us is becoming wider. What can I do to make him understand that I will be there for him whether he has a job or not? I don’t have children with him, but I have one from my first marriage, we have been married for four years now, and somehow I feel may be the other thing that is hurting him is because I have failed to conceive. I have so mixed feelings because I don’t really know what he is thinking. Please advise.
(USA) Hi Mary, I have been in a similar situation to yours. This article here is correct in saying that women, although they want emotional connection, can actually make the problem worse (most of the time) by trying harder. Here is what I have learned not only from my own personal experience but talking to others who have had severe marriage problems and been on the brink of divorce: take this time of emotional separation and work on yourself and become closer to God.
It says that husbands can be won over by the behavior of their wives. (1 Peter 3). Not only husbands, but, I daresay anyone watching a Christian wife.
As we become closer with God we start to think, behave and act completely differently. We gain inner peace, joy, calmness and a strength that does not fail. That is not to say that we never have bad days, but our approach and attitude about the bad days becomes different. We see it as an opportunity to grow (through adversity) into the person Christ wants us to be.
Mary – take this time, right now, when you and your husband are not communicating well, and focus on your relationship with God. He can give you much, much more emotional comfort than your spouse or any other human ever can, but it takes a lot of honest prayer, studying the Word, and listening. Tell God all your concerns (like you wrote in this comment and more) and start studying and, over time, day by day, God will start showing you peace and comfort.
Everyone I spoke to who had marriage problems said that once they stopped letting their spouse’s issues affect them and they just focused on their relationship with God – their spouse (in time and after a while) started to respond simply because their spouse saw the way they were changing (for the better). The spouse learns by example and they also start to wonder why their wife (or husband) is so much more at peace and exuding love to everyone around them. They then want to follow and find the same happiness because of watching you.
Mary – please don’t judge and say your husband has the problem We all have problems. However, I truly, truly believe that this problem between you and your husband, right now, is God’s way of tapping your shoulder and saying – Hey, Mary – I want you to focus on me.
Mary – my dear sister in Christ, I think God has a LOT of things He wants to tell you and reveal to you and, although you don’t know it, He’s got plans for you and wonderful, divine things. He wants to use you to accomplish. This rift with your husband is the opportunity you need to tune into God in a much deeper and more real way than you ever did before.
Lastly, I LOVE the way you mention that you love your husband and accept him no matter what his job problems are. This is a truly lovely and wonderful attitude. I think you should tell your husband just that. If he doesn’t want to hear you or doesn’t believe you, then that’s ok. At least you tried. Go on and then start being with God. That’s who you need to be with right now. It will all be okay. With love and I’ll keep you in my prayers, LT
(USA) Wow…very well said! You made me feel so much better
(USA) I am currently in my 8th month in a relationship with an evasive man and WOW. My ex husband was very open with his feelings. . too much so. There was never a question of what he was feeling and I found myself having to be his strength throughout the 13 year marriage.
This new relationship is baffling and so hard for me to adapt too. I love that he’s MY rock for a change, but there are times I’d give my right arm to know what he’s thinking or feeling. The past few weeks have been rough. He’s been quiet and withdrawn but yet seeks me out we don’t live together so him searching me out to spend time with me requires effort on his part. However, once we’re together, there’s no talking. He’s just . .. there. . . I’ve asked so many times what’s bothering him and can I help. Finally he very quietly (his way of expressing his anger) told me that if something were bothering him, he’d tell me. Of course I let it go, but my feeling were hurt. I understand I pushed too hard but YEESH. Then yesterday I made a comment that normally he would have laughed at (or at least shrugged off) and he took offense to it. It certainly wasn’t a joke demeaning him . . it just wasn’t funny
but again he made a bit of a cutting remark.
He still tells me he loves me after our lunch break phone calls and before going home at night . .so I’m ASSUMING he means it. I know that he’s never been in a serious relationship and I’m the longest he’s ever been with anyone. We have a mutual friend that he introduced me too and this friend told me that my guy has been hurt badly by women in the past. This friend also told me that my guy refuses to discuss our relationship with him at all, but it’s his opinion my guy is absolutely terrified.
I’m just having a hard time knowing how to cope. I love this man, and would gladly spend the rest of my life with him, but this . . depression . . . that he’s battling is HARD and it’s got me worked into knots. I’d LOVE for him to see a counselor but when I suggested it he laughed and said he’d never spend the money on something so useless.
I can totally relate to the above article, I spend hours wondering if this is the end of the relationship and if he still loves. I keep wondering if I should start to distance myself from him a bit to protect myself. On the other hand, I WANT to be there for him. I love him and will do what I need to do to make this work. . . . I’d never abandon him and I REFUSE to be just another woman who hurt him. The thought of dealing with this kind of emotional stress for an entire marriage though . . . . wow.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Thank you so much for this article. Now I know better how my wife feels. I must admit I am the evasive kind of husband and this has been a serious eye opener. Thanks once again.
(USA) Oh how I wish my husband would read this so that he could understand the way I feel!
(UNITED STATES) I agree, I am married to an emotional distant man. After 28 years of marriage he told me he has had enough. He told me he is not in love with me, he has no feelings left for me. Days later he told me he is involved with another woman who is divorced with two children. He said he became involved with her because she makes him happy. He told me two months ago that he plans on selling our house and moving on with this lady. He also, said the lady is pregnant with his child. I have tried for years to figure out why my husband was evasive. Just when I thought I had things figured out, he delivered a devasting blow to me such as this. Inspite of this, I want stay married to him. He moved into a separate bedroom and does not want sex with me, he tells me he does not want to live with me, but he has not left. I am getting all kinds of mixed signals. We are both Christians, I can’t figure out how our marriage has fallen to this degree. This entire ordeal is bringing me closer to God because I now spend countless hours in prayer and reading his word. I’ve ministered to my husband as the Lord has spoken to me. It took me 28 years to realize that it has been about my husband thinking that I am too controlling. He said that I "over-talk" him, that I do not respect him. I am going to counselling right now, he said he will not go with me. I am praying for a miracle from God that my marriage be saved.
(UNITED STATES) I want to agree that with God, you can build strength. I am in a recovering relationship as well. We have been on an emotional roller coaster and I was to the point that I thought I was going to have a meltdown, but it was my faith that pulled me through. Whatever your beliefs, look to a higher power for reassurance. Sometimes other people do not understand our feelings. I am more emotional, where my spouse is more logical. It seems that I should know that I am loved because we have been in our relationship for many years and I shouldn’t have to either question love or have it confirmed daily for that matter. I have found that a balance must be created. Yes, after all these years I miss the attention, but I also have to consider that there is life outside of the relationship. My spouse is also dealing with family issues. Please consider that maybe his unemotional stance may stem from his work situation. He may be unable to connect because his self-esteem may be lowered. In addition, it may be causing him great stress. All of this can cause a person to become distant. I doubt it has anything to do with you. I’m sure he loves you and still wants your relationship to work. But in his mind, as in my spouse’s, everything is fine. But in our minds (yours and mine), we want to keep working on it, but it wont change overnite. Also keep in mind that you KNOW he loves you and his way of expressing it may be different from yours or what you are used to. Lastly, keep God and prayer in your life at some level. It provides much comfort to know that you have a resource to confirm your feelings. Good Luck in finding your peace.
(UNITED STATES) To Rose, I am so sorry to hear of your husband’s actions. Please be aware that no matter how controlling your husband feels you are, there is no reason for him to blame this on you. He could have easily divorced you and then pursued another relationship. It wouldn’t be any easier emotionally on your end, but I believe it would be more respectful to feel that your relationship just didn’t work out rather than feel as if you were replaceable. The fact that there is a child on the way further complicates things. This is a wonderful time to consult God (whatever your belief system is) and look to him for answers. Please do not blame yourself. There have been plenty of relationships that have turned around after an affair. If it is meant to be the case, it will be. I know you love him, but he has already declared he no longer feels the same for you. You deserve so much more and be happy like God intended for us all. If there is a chance to recover your marriage, no matter how small the chance, involve God in your quest. Maybe even try some spiritual/emotional healing literature. My prayers are defintely with you! In time, your wounds will heal my dear.
(SA) I have been married for 5 years this year and have two lovely boys aged 3 and 1. In June this year I found out that my husband was cheating on me and also had an affair with another women as well. My life changed forever. 7 months down the line he is still in contact with her and tries to see her whenever he can there is so much lies. I decided that us getting divorced will be the best and will TRUST IN THE LORD ABOVE TO SEE ME THROUGH THIS TIME. I do not know who he is anymore. We planned to go away for Christmas but instead I will spend it alone with the boys. I just want to say no matter what do not lack in prayer and spending time with the Lord Jesus Christ as the devil will enter and bring you down. I will be spending Christmas alone with no family so please keep me in your prayers.