Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening?
Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice?
Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations (i.e. making few demands), you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses that, if left unattended, can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety, and the like stemming from their marriage. Since these issues are usually played out in the home, I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the single most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship progresses, or rather, fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment and futility become entrenched, and faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed, and their husbands fail to supply that need. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men, unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs, perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. At least at an unexpected level, they are begging for someone to show them a better way to relate to their wives. In these cases, the potential for counseling success is very strong. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating, but she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit; if he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can, frankly, be emotionally abusive.
It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions and would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem; therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore; so what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane.
He then—and this is a key—begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion, a distraction—in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, to get rid of them, for he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions or even, to some extent, downplaying them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious; she certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level that she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful: the silent treatment, pretended agreement, constant forgetfulness, procrastination, laziness, temper outbursts, work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment, to prevent the boat from rocking, you see, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying, persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays. If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists, and the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. He avoids commitment and personal accountability. A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability, and that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of, so he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance—exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden; the wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied (in other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice). The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship, for a thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused. With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear, and that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down, so he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics; it must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs—a stable leader—for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance. Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two.something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync. Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing, something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands but are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time, but she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction: an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal. Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth.
Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books, enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars. They invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life and why they need to make the needed adjustments. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change. Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior—reacting instead of pro-acting—this woman eventually loses heart as she realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized. Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience, and the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves, protesting or cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized. “When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?”
In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
In short, to improve your own satisfaction and happiness, a major step is to put your own house in order. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. And even if you do not experience the adjustments in your mate that you have hoped for, you will still be a more stable and content individual. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
The above edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner Preview or purchase this book now.
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you want to read this book along with your spouse (if he desires to do so) Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
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(AUSTRALIA) Hi, our communication is so bad as described above, that he moved out. I am shocked and angry, although I know that the change had to be made. That said, I miss him dreadfully, and don’t know how he is……
(ZAMBIA) Hello, my husband cant communicate. At the moment he is on suspension at work (for over a year) and I can’t just get through to him no matter what I try. It is so frustrating because I am the only one who is putting in the effort, when it’s him with problems. I don’t know what to do, I love him but his silence is driving me crazy, what can I do before I find myself leaving him – which I do not want? If only he could be more open enough. I Love him and want the best for him.
(ZAMBIA) Hello, my husband is a bad communicator. He has been on suspension for over a year and really he has distanced himself. I have tried what I can to make him open up to me, but i have failed. This is driving me crazy, because am fed up now. I love him very much and I don’t want to leave him, but the wedge between us is becoming wider. What can I do to make him understand that I will be there for him whether he has a job or not? I don’t have children with him, but I have one from my first marriage, we have been married for four years now, and somehow I feel may be the other thing that is hurting him is because I have failed to conceive. I have so mixed feelings because I don’t really know what he is thinking. Please advise.
(USA) Hi Mary, I have been in a similar situation to yours. This article here is correct in saying that women, although they want emotional connection, can actually make the problem worse (most of the time) by trying harder. Here is what I have learned not only from my own personal experience but talking to others who have had severe marriage problems and been on the brink of divorce: take this time of emotional separation and work on yourself and become closer to God.
It says that husbands can be won over by the behavior of their wives. (1 Peter 3). Not only husbands, but, I daresay anyone watching a Christian wife.
As we become closer with God we start to think, behave and act completely differently. We gain inner peace, joy, calmness and a strength that does not fail. That is not to say that we never have bad days, but our approach and attitude about the bad days becomes different. We see it as an opportunity to grow (through adversity) into the person Christ wants us to be.
Mary – take this time, right now, when you and your husband are not communicating well, and focus on your relationship with God. He can give you much, much more emotional comfort than your spouse or any other human ever can, but it takes a lot of honest prayer, studying the Word, and listening. Tell God all your concerns (like you wrote in this comment and more) and start studying and, over time, day by day, God will start showing you peace and comfort.
Everyone I spoke to who had marriage problems said that once they stopped letting their spouse’s issues affect them and they just focused on their relationship with God – their spouse (in time and after a while) started to respond simply because their spouse saw the way they were changing (for the better). The spouse learns by example and they also start to wonder why their wife (or husband) is so much more at peace and exuding love to everyone around them. They then want to follow and find the same happiness because of watching you.
Mary – please don’t judge and say your husband has the problem We all have problems. However, I truly, truly believe that this problem between you and your husband, right now, is God’s way of tapping your shoulder and saying – Hey, Mary – I want you to focus on me.
Mary – my dear sister in Christ, I think God has a LOT of things He wants to tell you and reveal to you and, although you don’t know it, He’s got plans for you and wonderful, divine things. He wants to use you to accomplish. This rift with your husband is the opportunity you need to tune into God in a much deeper and more real way than you ever did before.
Lastly, I LOVE the way you mention that you love your husband and accept him no matter what his job problems are. This is a truly lovely and wonderful attitude. I think you should tell your husband just that. If he doesn’t want to hear you or doesn’t believe you, then that’s ok. At least you tried. Go on and then start being with God. That’s who you need to be with right now. It will all be okay. With love and I’ll keep you in my prayers, LT
(USA) Wow…very well said! You made me feel so much better
(USA) I am currently in my 8th month in a relationship with an evasive man and WOW. My ex husband was very open with his feelings. . too much so. There was never a question of what he was feeling and I found myself having to be his strength throughout the 13 year marriage.
This new relationship is baffling and so hard for me to adapt too. I love that he’s MY rock for a change, but there are times I’d give my right arm to know what he’s thinking or feeling. The past few weeks have been rough. He’s been quiet and withdrawn but yet seeks me out we don’t live together so him searching me out to spend time with me requires effort on his part. However, once we’re together, there’s no talking. He’s just . .. there. . . I’ve asked so many times what’s bothering him and can I help. Finally he very quietly (his way of expressing his anger) told me that if something were bothering him, he’d tell me. Of course I let it go, but my feeling were hurt. I understand I pushed too hard but YEESH. Then yesterday I made a comment that normally he would have laughed at (or at least shrugged off) and he took offense to it. It certainly wasn’t a joke demeaning him . . it just wasn’t funny
but again he made a bit of a cutting remark.
He still tells me he loves me after our lunch break phone calls and before going home at night . .so I’m ASSUMING he means it. I know that he’s never been in a serious relationship and I’m the longest he’s ever been with anyone. We have a mutual friend that he introduced me too and this friend told me that my guy has been hurt badly by women in the past. This friend also told me that my guy refuses to discuss our relationship with him at all, but it’s his opinion my guy is absolutely terrified.
I’m just having a hard time knowing how to cope. I love this man, and would gladly spend the rest of my life with him, but this . . depression . . . that he’s battling is HARD and it’s got me worked into knots. I’d LOVE for him to see a counselor but when I suggested it he laughed and said he’d never spend the money on something so useless.
I can totally relate to the above article, I spend hours wondering if this is the end of the relationship and if he still loves. I keep wondering if I should start to distance myself from him a bit to protect myself. On the other hand, I WANT to be there for him. I love him and will do what I need to do to make this work. . . . I’d never abandon him and I REFUSE to be just another woman who hurt him. The thought of dealing with this kind of emotional stress for an entire marriage though . . . . wow.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Thank you so much for this article. Now I know better how my wife feels. I must admit I am the evasive kind of husband and this has been a serious eye opener. Thanks once again.
(UNITED STATES) I agree, I am married to an emotional distant man. After 28 years of marriage he told me he has had enough. He told me he is not in love with me, he has no feelings left for me. Days later he told me he is involved with another woman who is divorced with two children. He said he became involved with her because she makes him happy. He told me two months ago that he plans on selling our house and moving on with this lady. He also, said the lady is pregnant with his child. I have tried for years to figure out why my husband was evasive. Just when I thought I had things figured out, he delivered a devasting blow to me such as this. Inspite of this, I want stay married to him. He moved into a separate bedroom and does not want sex with me, he tells me he does not want to live with me, but he has not left. I am getting all kinds of mixed signals. We are both Christians, I can’t figure out how our marriage has fallen to this degree. This entire ordeal is bringing me closer to God because I now spend countless hours in prayer and reading his word. I’ve ministered to my husband as the Lord has spoken to me. It took me 28 years to realize that it has been about my husband thinking that I am too controlling. He said that I "over-talk" him, that I do not respect him. I am going to counselling right now, he said he will not go with me. I am praying for a miracle from God that my marriage be saved.
(UNITED STATES) I want to agree that with God, you can build strength. I am in a recovering relationship as well. We have been on an emotional roller coaster and I was to the point that I thought I was going to have a meltdown, but it was my faith that pulled me through. Whatever your beliefs, look to a higher power for reassurance. Sometimes other people do not understand our feelings. I am more emotional, where my spouse is more logical. It seems that I should know that I am loved because we have been in our relationship for many years and I shouldn’t have to either question love or have it confirmed daily for that matter. I have found that a balance must be created. Yes, after all these years I miss the attention, but I also have to consider that there is life outside of the relationship. My spouse is also dealing with family issues. Please consider that maybe his unemotional stance may stem from his work situation. He may be unable to connect because his self-esteem may be lowered. In addition, it may be causing him great stress. All of this can cause a person to become distant. I doubt it has anything to do with you. I’m sure he loves you and still wants your relationship to work. But in his mind, as in my spouse’s, everything is fine. But in our minds (yours and mine), we want to keep working on it, but it wont change overnite. Also keep in mind that you KNOW he loves you and his way of expressing it may be different from yours or what you are used to. Lastly, keep God and prayer in your life at some level. It provides much comfort to know that you have a resource to confirm your feelings. Good Luck in finding your peace.
(UNITED STATES) To Rose, I am so sorry to hear of your husband’s actions. Please be aware that no matter how controlling your husband feels you are, there is no reason for him to blame this on you. He could have easily divorced you and then pursued another relationship. It wouldn’t be any easier emotionally on your end, but I believe it would be more respectful to feel that your relationship just didn’t work out rather than feel as if you were replaceable. The fact that there is a child on the way further complicates things. This is a wonderful time to consult God (whatever your belief system is) and look to him for answers. Please do not blame yourself. There have been plenty of relationships that have turned around after an affair. If it is meant to be the case, it will be. I know you love him, but he has already declared he no longer feels the same for you. You deserve so much more and be happy like God intended for us all. If there is a chance to recover your marriage, no matter how small the chance, involve God in your quest. Maybe even try some spiritual/emotional healing literature. My prayers are defintely with you! In time, your wounds will heal my dear.
(SA) I have been married for 5 years this year and have two lovely boys aged 3 and 1. In June this year I found out that my husband was cheating on me and also had an affair with another women as well. My life changed forever. 7 months down the line he is still in contact with her and tries to see her whenever he can there is so much lies. I decided that us getting divorced will be the best and will TRUST IN THE LORD ABOVE TO SEE ME THROUGH THIS TIME. I do not know who he is anymore. We planned to go away for Christmas but instead I will spend it alone with the boys. I just want to say no matter what do not lack in prayer and spending time with the Lord Jesus Christ as the devil will enter and bring you down. I will be spending Christmas alone with no family so please keep me in your prayers.
(ZAMBIA) This is for LT, of USA who encouraged me during my ordeal. I submitted my comment on 29th October 2007, and she responded. Thank you my sister, and you can believe it, I have been putting my husband in prayer. I have been associating with Christian women and I feel I will be growing in faith. I was so bitter towards him, but now I have been able to forgive him and praying to God to give me the unconditional love, knowing it’s God Himself who changes people not in our own power. Thank you again LT. I wish you all the happiness and may God bless you. Could you be my prayer partner? I hope you will be able to read this. Mary.
(USA) Hi Mary, Thank you so much for the update! What you write is wonderful news! I’m soooo glad that you are growing in faith and are also able to associate with other Christian women. This is great and I’m sure you will continue to grow.
Forgiveness is of God and you are now able to forgive your husband – this means God is with you and you are becoming the person, in Christ, that God wants you to be. Praise God! Bless you and I will keep you (and your husband) in my prayers, Mary. With love, LT
(UNITED STATES) Me and my husband have been married for 11 years now and he is an evasive husband. I think we are going to get a divorce. I feel like if this is his personality. We have to end this because I need to feel love. I can get hobbies and focus on me and my kids, but my kids will leave one day. I want someone to just hold me. I understand I can not count on someone else to make me happy but why were men put on earth? Why are there family’s? Where did the word love come from? If you go through life without that, what is the point? Yes I can love chess or love to dance or love to swim and focus my life on these things, but that is not the same as physical emotional love.
(USA) I have been married for four years. In those four years I have been helping him in his career to become a truck driver. In addition, we have been in and out of several business venture and I am only 24. Currently we are separated and I finally returned to school like I wanted. Because of our finances I am living with my parents. When school started my husband has been very evasive towards me. He has been not answering his calls. He has been lying over and over. It’s not like to to do this. I am afraid that we might end up divorcing. After weeks of getting stood up, I am fed up. I have tried talking to him but it hasn’t worked. Help!
(USA) I have found myself in this situation for quite some time now. After 36 years of marriage I found myself one day so fed up I wanted to leave. I am encouraged by the love of Christ found in 1 John and the next day, I thought differently. I am working on growing closer to the Lord. Believe me, I have tried everything else. This I believe is my only hope! Thank you for this message and these comments. I will get the book today!
(USA) Brenda and all…I felt compelled to write after viewing your comments. I too have been married 32 years and for the past two years, my husband has suddenly lost all desire for physical contact. At first, sex was only a couple times per month and gradually weaned down to once every 6 months. He hasn’t touched me for the past 6 months and I cannot figure out why. I am fit, clean, pretty, educated, and very young looking for 50. I love the Lord and He is the only reason that I have not had an affair. There are many men in my workplace that would love to have a relationship with me, but I know that it would be sinful and I love Jesus too much to betray him. Notice that I am not concerned about my husband’s feelings…he has neglected me way too long. When I walk by him, he moves out of the way like I am a leper with a contagious disease. Is there another woman? I have asked him point blank and he says "no". When I ask him why he doesn’t want sex or to touch me he says that there is no opportunity with the kids around and "who says that you have to have sex all of the time?" By the way, all of our children are grown and either married or at college except for a teenage daughter. This never stopped him before. I feel like a part of me has died and I feel cheated.
Is it right that I have to accept that I will never feel love from a man again. Is it enough to just love Jesus and have him be my "husband" as his word promises to the widows? I feel like a widow. All my husband does every single night is sit in the den and watch TV all evening. I don’t even see him after dinner. He now sleeps in a separate bedroom or on the sofa. He says that he sleeps better alone. I am so torn, hurt, and confused. I also feel that he is not being honest with me and I feel like a fool. He will not go for counseling as he feels that nothing is wrong with our relationship. I feel that just because I am a Christian and love Jesus, I will have to live a life of loneliness and isolation. Once my last child is out of the house, I feel like I am going to be very tempted to leave him and feel guilty the rest of my life. I can only take so much neglect. I pray the the Lord will guide me and the rest of you who have shared your experiences on this site.
(USA) Hi Laurie, I’m sorry to hear of your situation. So many of your thoughts REALLY resonated with feelings I’ve had during my married years.
Is it enough to just have God? Is that how I’m supposed to make up for the void in my physical marriage? Am I only to have a "spiritual" husband because of my physical husband’s inabilities.
I generally leave comments on this site when I KNOW, undoubtedly, that God’s Spirit in me has something to say and share with another. Right now I’m dealing with my own trials and have found myself very quiet in terms of ministering to others but it is a good kind of quiet. The kind of quiet where I know God is at work in my house and giving me a much needed rest (a rest it took me days to even rest enough to know I needed one, if that makes sense). So…..I can’t write as much as I’d like to your comments but I’m feeling compelled right now to write this much to you.
Yes, you are right in feeling something is wrong. Something is definitely up. I’m not saying there’s an affair on your husband’s part, but something is off.
Also – I know God has a plan in this. He will work some miracles and have His glory shown. Chances are, it will take some time, maybe several months even. But you stay faithful to God (and to your husband) and work with patience to let God’s glory be shown and His perfect solution to be made known.
However, you still have to get from point A to B right? In dealing with sexual frustration, you are going to need God’s strength to get you through that. You can ask Him to lessen your hormones since you know sex isn’t occurring enough right now. That doesn’t mean He takes them away forever – it only means He takes them away while the problem is being worked on.
If you’ve talked to your husband many times to no avail, that’s when you give it to God. If you have a prayer group, ask them to pray as well. Sometimes, too, God puts others in your life to help you through their own past experiences.
I can tell you, for sure, I thought I’d live the rest of my life without the kind of affirmation from my husband I needed. Our problems were not sexual but emotional in nature. I’m not kidding when I say I’d given up on him being who I needed him to be.
But, recently, I finally see light at the end of the tunnel. But it took a VERY long time. What you do in the meantime is fall back on some good biblical principles to get you from day to day. Here are the ones I like to think of (as often as you need to get you through).
Remember God hears your prayers and will answer if you ask, in faith that He hears you and can give you what you desire.
Believe that He loves you and your husband. He wants the best for you; it just doesn’t always come in the way we think of, want, expect or in our time frame.
Take this time to really draw close to God. While your husband is watching TV, read the bible. OR – try this, go sit next to him and read the bible as he watches TV.
Lastly and, perhaps, most importantly, cast all your burdens on the Lord, including the emotional wounds you are taking right now. Each day you will need to do this to maintain a healthy attitude and proper perspective. And anytime you feel overwhelmed, find a place to pray and do it until you feel your heart being cleaned out. Make it a habit.
Well, I’ve written more than I thought I would. These are things that have helped me in my marriage struggles and I hope they bring you some comfort and ways of facing the challenges ahead. You are in for a ride. It’s a ride to a solution of monumentally divine proportions, but one that is worth it in the end.
With love, LT
(USA) Dear LT- God bless you my sister in Christ. I feel so close to you right now and I thank God that He spoke to your heart to minister to me. I am sure that many other lonely women who are reading this discussion board are also blessed by your comments and sage advice. It is good and reassuring to know that we are not alone and that the Lord does have us in the palm of his hand. He is directing our steps and giving us hope through each other. I am very committed to Christ and know that my love for Him will keep me from infidelity, but it is still hard.
I keep myself busy with my work, children, and continuing my education…I am in a Ph.D program right now. I think I am an overachiever to keep myself from feeling the pain of this big void in my life created by my emotionally impaired spouse. I long to have someone hold me and feel the touch of a human hand. I would love to just be kissed tenderly and lovingly by a man (it has been many, many years since I have been kissed). I don’t even care about sex. It makes me feel so bad to see others kissing and holding hands. I even feel some envy over watching my daughter and her boyfriend. Isn’t that sick and sad? I am so happy for her, but very sad for me. I feel like crying and screaming at the same time. All I know, however, is the promise that God loves me and that he understands and feels my pain. For now, I will draw close to the Lord, be patient, and pray that these feelings go away. If I keep busy, I don’t think about it. The evenings are hard. Sleep comes slowly and sometimes a sleeping pill helps me to forget and drift off to sleep. Please pray for me and I will pray for you also. God bless you. Love in Jesus – Laurie
Dear Laurie, I want you to know that you have touched many women’s hearts, I’m sure — mine being one of them. I generally try to refrain from commenting too much because we feel this is a forum for others to minister to each other as God compels them. But I want you to know that you are being prayed for, and that I know within my heart that God’s heart is touched by your faithfulness despite your hurts. I’m sure His heart cries with yours.
I agree with LT that something is up with your husband. A few different thoughts come to mind — so I’ll just touch on them in the hope that you will pray about it and see what God says to your heart. I’m not a counselor, I’m a Marriage Educator, so you need to pray about what I’m writing to see what God says about all of this.
I wonder if your husband is a Christian. And if he says he is, what’s up with that? Because a person who is tapped into the source of LOVE itself — which is God, whose very name means LOVE, could not watch his bride ache for that love to be expressed to her. Ephesians 5 (among many scriptures) talks about husbands representing Christ to their wives and sacrificing themselves as Christ has for the church — His bride. So, if your husband isn’t a Christian — that would explain some things. He needs continual prayer, not only for his soul, but for his heart because he’s missing out on SO much without embracing and knowing the love of Christ personally. He only knows a fraction of what it is to live, and that fraction is darkened without knowing the source of Light Himself. There’s a transformation that begins to take place as a man (and woman) takes hold of all “Christ saved them for and wants them to be”, as the Bible tells us. If he claims to be a Christian, then again, he needs prayer because he’s only tapping into a very small part of all Christ has for him. He is missing out on so much! And tragically so are you as he keeps his distance from really knowing Christ and embracing you as his partner in life. He needs prayer either way. How I pray he grabs onto Christ! He and you, and the world around you will be all the richer if that happens.
Another thought comes to mind that he may be an “engineer” type. In other words, he operates in life in a very ordered functional way and doesn’t grab onto emotionality very well. He works through boxing everything in his life separately and doesn’t see any logical reason for “complicating” things by being too emotional. He feels things work just fine for him the way it is and doesn’t feel compelled to change them. I just posted an article titled “Why Doesn’t My Spouse Change: Functional Fixedness” that might explain part of why he won’t change from this pattern (if this is a reason why he’s acting like he is). Some men live out their lives in this logical way (for many different reasons). But they are losing out on so much! God is an engineer type as you see the orderly way He likes things (in the creation story, as well as the plans for the Arc he had Noah build, and also the building of the temple, etc). But expressing and experiencing emotions is also a part of who God is, which we can see throughout the Bible in the love He conveys and demonstrates.
If your husband is an engineer type and isn’t opening himself up for more, he’s blocking off a wonderful part of who he could become. It would be a learning process and it wouldn’t come completely naturally but it’s possible, and he’d be all the richer (and so would you and others) if he would start to crack through the walls he’s built up separating himself from this aspect of life. Again, he would need prayer and others around him that would try to help him see what he is missing. You may be that helpmate… but he’s got to be a willing participant. The book “Sacred Influence” is a good one that addresses this along with the book “For Women Only” to name just a few. He needs to be rescued from this sterile world or he will only grab onto a fraction of what he could experience. You may or may not be one who can help him with this. But again, he needs prayer if this is the case.
Another possibility could be pornography. If he is spiraling down within that world, he’s feeding himself artificially and is addicted to the airbrushed fantasy of a false way of existence. It’s a very alluring and tempting way of living that causes people to swallow the lie that the enemy of our faith tells us that “this doesn’t hurt anyone” and that this is “normal” for a man to want this. This type of “living” becomes more addictive with time and eventually the person caught up in it views women as objects — he trades the real for fantasy. It’s like any addiction — you have to be disgusted enough with it and see that it’s not working for you to get desperate enough to seek help. We have many articles and recommended resources on our web site that could help with that if he has that problem and wants to start the journey out of that entrapping world.
Another possibility could be that your husband has been damaged in his life where he doesn’t trust women and thinks he could never “please” them. Women cause him to feel inadequate as a man and so he closes himself off from emotionally connecting. We have several articles in the “Emotionally Distant Spouse” section along with others that can help explain that concept somewhat. And then we give recommendations for resources that will help with that as well. This isn’t putting the blame upon you — that you’re the reason for this. But it’s a combination of a lot of different experiences that all add up where some men close down their minds to thinking they could do anything that could satisfy a woman (because of past experiences) so they stop trying and build their emotional world their way — a way that makes sense to them. Even THINKING about trying, ties them up in knots emotionally. It’s short-sighted and narrow life they attempt to live out, but it’s what many people do as a protective mechanism. This may or may not be an explanation for your husband’s actions, but I ask you to pray about it and explore the idea and see what God reveals to you — and ask God for wisdom if you can help to change that in some way. Again, your husband would have to participate with this. But today could be the beginning of a new era in his life if somehow God and you are able to break through the wall enough for him to start opening up.
Other possibilities are that your husband could have a personality disorder (caused by any number of things). There’s something called Borderline Personality Disorder that could be a possibility or other disorders, like Bi-Polar Disorder. Some people can have these conditions and be very functional in some areas of life. I hesitate to give this as a reason because once people grab onto a label as a reason for something, they think THAT’S the way things will always be with that person and they build their lives around the thought that things will then never change. But that’s not always true. I’ve seen some people work out of those disorders. It takes a lot of work and they need a lot of help and educating, etc… but there are some that break out of that kind of boxed in life. It doesn’t always happen but it CAN happen — especially when God is called upon in this. All things ARE possible with God!
Laurie, there are other reasons why your husband may be this way. It could be something I pointed out or a combination of several of them or none of them and it’s something else entirely different. But I encourage you not to give up hope. You need to do the best you can with the wisdom and giftedness God gives to you. Your husband may or may not ever change. But wouldn’t it be tragic if he stayed like this and something could have been done to crack open the wall he has built between you? For 50 years he could be this way but at age 50 years and one day, he could have an “ah-ha” moment and change. Keep praying and believing that God can work in and through you and in and through your husband to open up areas of living that you never thought possible.
God loves you Laurie. He cares about you and has a wonderful plan for your life. I know that in the bottom of my heart. Keep hanging on and believing and praying and looking for the Light He can shine upon your path. Please know that there are many of us who care and are praying for you… Cindy
(USA) Dear Cindy- How can I ever thank you enough for taking the time to minister to me. You have shown me God’s love through your gifted words of encouragement and by your willingness to reach out to a total stranger. However, we know that we are not "true strangers" as we are sisters in Christ and that bond draws us close to support and love one another. You have given me much to think and pray about. I have needed to vent for a long time and the Lord lead me to you…I am certain of that. God bless you for your kindness and for showing me His love through you. God bless you my friend. Love in Jesus – Laurie
(USA) To add to Cindy’s comments to Laurie. Something that entered my mind AFTER I made my last comment was ED. That’s also a possibility. Esp. when I read the age bracket you all are in (I assume your husband is around the same age). It generally only starts declining then, but perhaps he’s had a full decline?
Additionally, having a friend who used to be BPD until Christ healed her of that – I’m pretty certain Borderline Personality Disorders can ONLY be present if there is self-harm involved (pulling out one’s hair, cutting one’s self, etc.) If that is not present then it probably isn’t the case, but I’m NOT a doctor or psychologist. Also – my understanding is that ALL mental illnesses are weaknesses of the flesh, prayed up on by demons. If one finds Christ and healing through that, the mental illnesses take care of themselves because the demons leave.
One last thought, if your husband is a Christian, he IS violating scripture by not having sex when you ask him. The bible says that husbands and wives are not to deprive each other unless it’s temporary and by mutual consent. Paul explains that if that rule is broken, Satan prays and tempts, just as is already happening to you, Laurie, by having occasional thoughts and lusts for other men. (I’ve been there myself and know what that is like and how strong the pull is).
With love and prayers, LT
(USA) Just new to this site, and it’s overwhelming. It’s good, and it’s bad. Good to see others share in same issues in marriage as I, with emotionally void husbands. Bad because it is painful and hard and to see that there are many who do suffer emotionally from it. I wish marriage was easier. I wish we could just pray and viola’ – husbands would talk, love us like we need, and visa versa, that we could also meet their needs, easy as 1,2,3! There is no one answer except Jesus, keeping our eyes fixed on Him, continually. It’s great to see this type of site, full of Christian women who long to do God’s will amongst the pain and hard work, and ya’ll are out there to glean from. Just a thanks to all of you whom I have just read in a small amount of time who shared their hearts. I’m feeling better already.
(USA) I am new to this website. I feel so bad for all of you that are having such a hard time in your marriages. I am a newly wed. My husband can be the same way. I am Christian and he doesn’t know if there is a God or not. Needs proof. He says I am controlling, calls me "perfect", etc. He watches TV all night. Doesn’t want to face problems and doesn’t talk to me hardly at all when it comes to problems or relationships. I pray. I read the Bible and am trying to figure out why we have so many problems. He is used to doing drugs (had him quit), in and out of relationships (helped him settle down), bipolar (helped him get a diagnoses and treatment)…. you would think these are positive changes.
We have 3 kids and one on the way in July. I thought introducing God into our lives would be encouraging and positive. It has been a disaster.
I know he would change if he had proof. I can’t prove God. God isn’t going to just show up. I told him it involves faith. When you prove your faith to God, he returns the favor.
I feel for all of you. Keep praying. I am even when I don’t feel like it. All we have is hope.
(USA) Ohiogal, do not give up on your husband or your marriage. Your children and your unborn baby need you to be strong and to keep your family intact. Hold your husband up to the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to make Jesus real to him. It is not your job to "prove" there is a God. The Holy Spirit will do that for your husband. Sometimes when we are "strong women" and "fix" our men, saving them from themselves and their destructive habits, they can grow to resent us despite the fact that we have made them better people. I don’t know what it is about this, but men feel immasculated when we take control, even when it is for their own good and for the good of our family. I do know that God will honor you and give you the strength you need to keep your family together if you continue to hold your family up to Him in prayer. I am sure that other Godly women reading this site can concur with what you are going through. I will pray for you. Stay true to Jesus!!
(USA) I’m emotionally numb and feel like when I prayed for a husband to love my 2 young girls like his own, I failed to pray for a husband to love me and satan heard me and sent a nonemotional husband. God please help me know what to do…
(SOUTH AFRICA) Well at last I found people that relate to my problem. I have the same problem as Laurie. I pray and am still praying. My husband is only a Sunday Service Christian. He loves secular movies and gets irritated with me when I want to watch TBN. Sex has been gone for long time now. It’s only when it suits him, which is very seldom and getting worst as the years go by. My only regret is that I will pass away someday with that longing in my heart for that certain touch, kiss, hug and feeling of knowing you have lived a full life as God INTENDED. I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE. MY KIDS ARE ALL GROWN NOW. THEY SEE ME HURT, HEAR ME CRY, AND TOLD ME TO FIND LOVE. THEY WILL STAND BY ME. WILL I EVER BE HAPPY?
(USA) Pat, I believe that the Lord has directed us to this site to lift each other up in His power. I found this site quite by accident. For years I wanted to go for professional counseling because this is not a subject you discuss with your friends or family. It is too embarrassing. However, professional counseling is largely filled with secular counselors who would advise us to leave our loveless and emotionally impaired husbands while scratching their heads wondering what has taken us so long. They don’t understand our love and loyalty to Jesus is what precludes us from just moving on.
I believe that God fills in the other areas of my life with new joys to compensate for the big void in my marriage. I can’t help but believe that we will be rewarded for "hanging in there" for God’s sake. If we honor His commandments and our marriage vows, continue to pray, and hold our husbands up to God to "fix" whatever it is that is making them this way, one of two things will happen: One: they will miraculously change and become the men that God has intended them to be, which includes loving us as they would Jesus. Or Two: God will honor us for our faithfulness and bless us and make us happy in other ways in our life because of our devotion to doing what is morally right.
You mention that you have supportive children, well, thank God for that blessing! I wish I knew the answer to dealing with our emotionally impaired husbands; I don’t. Is divorce ever justified and right? I don’t know. I concur with your feelings of fear of dying without feeling the love you deserve from a devoted, Godly spouse. I fear retirement and living alone with my husband who is obsessed with the TV. I hate listening to that thing!! I wear my iPod so I don’t have to hear it in the background. Satan has ahold of these men who vegetate in front of the TV watching stupid, mindless, secular shows. I wish we didn’t even have a TV set. Why don’t our husbands see the hours that they waste in front of it a waste of time and as sinful? I don’t know the answer to this either. I only know that we have to keep praying because Satan is vying for our husbands’ attention through monopolizing their minds with the garbage on TV. The only answer I have definitely is that true happiness comes from Jesus and that may or may not include a "husband". I will pray for you. I have been praying for ALL OF YOU on this site and I appreciate your prayers in return. May God bless and keep you strong…myself included!!
(USA) Hi Pat, Laurie and Ohio gal,
I wanted to share with you all, from my own experiences. And I also wanted to send you to one of the articles on this site, which is EXTREMELY helpful in the situations you are dealing with.
Firstly, to answer Laurie’s question on whether divorce is ever justified. I do not believe God likes divorce under any circumstance, but the apostle Paul did give 2 reasons under which it is forgiveable. If you read I Corinthinans 7 it talks about marriage (and divorce). If you have the KJ version, I’d also recommend reading the NIV as well, as the language is a bit more easy to understand.
Regarding TV – I’ve read several comments here, and articles, and based on all of that (as well as having read a testimony on how a woman confronted her husband’s abuse) – TV is the man’s escape. It’s not that they don’t hear you and it’s not that they don’t know that things are not great in your opinion – it’s that they don’t know what to do. TV is how they escape the problem. It’s also avoiding, as well.
I read a testimony of a woman who had to take action toward her abusive husband, said that he’d verbally abused her all the time but the first time he hit her, he punched her to the floor and then sat down to watch TV as though nothing had happened. I, too, was an abused wife and have done more reading on that subject than I ever thought possible. What I have gleaned is that women would never do that (pretend as though nothing is wrong) but neither do men. They know something is wrong AND they know when they have done something wrong AND they hear your complaints, but if they have no answer, they leave it alone and watch TV.
The answer? I found the following article on this website very helpful : http://www.marriagemissions.com/why-doesnt-my-spouse-change-functional-fixedness/
Please read it. It’s not an answer to all your problems, but it points you in the direction of non-sinful, active change, even if your husband is unwilling to. My guess, however, is that your husband may not want to make change (or face problems at first) but if you do so, in a holy way fitting of a Godly woman, he may resist at first but can’t resist forever. God’s light usually wins out in the end. But it does take a while – love is long-suffering and perseveres.
Ohio gal – regarding your husband seeing you as "perfect." That is completely normal in non-believers. Especially when they are living with a believer. They can dismiss the "self-righteous" stranger because they don’t live with that person. But when it’s their spouse – they want to dismiss it and run from God and him calling you "perfect" is his way of doing that. Do not take it personally (as hard as that is not to). That’s Satan using your husband to get to you – don’t let that happen. Don’t let Satan win. See it as your armor of God is VERY visible to him. No, you cannot prove God except, possibly in this way – by God living in you. It’s hard to deny change. Non-believing spouses like to think that the change in their spouse is fake or self-righteous (as flimsy as that is of an excuse) but after a while, it wears on them. It’s not your job to convert your husband – you should not try. In fact scripture talks against that. But live your life in God as He has called you. Simply tell your husband you respect his right to not want to believe (and He does have that right) and ask him to respect your right to live a Christian life and pray for God to give you the balance between the two (because we humans have a hard time on where to draw the line and where to let it go). In showing respect for your husband’s beliefs, you show Godly respect to your husband, commanded by God to all wives in Ephesians 5. And in asking him, politely, to respect your beliefs as a Christian (without demand he live the same life), it shows your respect for God and that He lives in you. That’s taking up your cross, even when your spouse does not want to do that. The fact is, God has not chosen your husband at this time. Isn’t it true when God calls you, you know it. But God has called you.
Pat – I agree with Laurie that God fills up things in your life to fill the marriage void but I also know, because of my own personal circumstance, that there comes a point where the gnaw of not having a good marriage really wears you down. I would read the article above if I were you.
My own son is just a toddler. He is just now to the point where I see him as a companion, sometimes when my husband can’t be. Before, as an infant, I was trying to handle the physical and emotional demands of a baby and trying to deal with a marriage that still had a lot of verbal abuse (even though the physical had stopped), emotional emptiness and it was too much to do that AND raise an infant. Only by the power of God did I survive that. So I don’t know what it is like to have older children yet. I will say this though – I know what it’s like to be overly consumed with your problems. That’s ALWAYS dangerous. Satan prays on that. Be aware of them, pray for direction, but don’t let it take over your life. Then you can no longer be a warrior for God. However, it will strengthen you.
I agree with Laurie that there are 2 possibilities for our efforts at change – God will fill up the void in other ways OR our husbands will change. Firstly – your husband may change but it will be a process because in the process of him chaning, but not overnight, we are forced to deal with stressful situations and in doing so – that makes US change as well – for the better. We become much better and stronger Christians this way. It starts at home. Then God can use you in other areas outside the home. SEcondly, let me pose another possibility – that not only will your void fill up, but your husband will change, too. My belief is that those 2 avenues will eventually merge into a single avenue. But only after you AND your husband change. That’s possible. It will happen on God’s timeline not ours. He’s molding ALL of us right now like a silversmith molds silver. They say silver isn’t ready until the maker (God) can see his reflection in the silver (us).
At any rate – all of you ladies – God hears your pleas and the cries of your hearts and He LOVES you beyond measure!! He’s already started to fix the problems – it’s one little piece at a time. The process is already underway. We serve a mighty, awesome God and a God, that, I believe, will NOT let you die without getting love again.
My personal experience, after my husband and I were separated because of abuse – we spent an entire year – a WHOLE year, working on ourselves. During that time, we were not very close. It was really bad but in hindsight, it was for a reason. He was seeking God’s will and healing for him and where he should change, and so was I – and I changed and grew a LOT, because of that, as did my husband. It looked like our marriage was getting worse and that’s because it was – it was part of the process. In a lot of situations, things actually get worse in order to get better but the new "better" will be far beyond anything you had before, even when you were a newlywed.
Hang in there ladies – it’s worth the wait and it’s definitely worth the fight. God will give you the strength. One last thing – a suggestion that has worked for me is to see if your husband will give you an hour (or half hour) once a week where you can sit with him and have him talk to you about issues he has with you and you talk about issues that concern you. Present it as done in love, calmness (no stress or anger allowed) and two-way (he tells you what’s bothering him as well as you tell him what’s boethering you). Be prepared for him to share, as well, but it might help in bridging the communication gap. The key is to not get defensive, listen calmly and don’t take things personally.
With lots of Christian love and prayers, LT
(USA) Aloha! I just completed reading all of your touching stories and encouraging responses. Unlike many of you, I married a man knowing he did not believe as I did, knowing in my heart God was not approving of the union and now suffering the consequences of my sin. My husband is everything the article has described for emotionally distant husbands. At least I am aware now of what not to do. I have confessed my sin to our heavenly Father, and I know He has forgiven me. It is tough to live without love and emotional fulfillment as you all have described.
This is the fourth man I have married, having been cheated on by the other 3. I kept hoping to find the right one. I should have been patient and listened and obeyed our Lord. I am blessed that God is so gracious that He has given me peace though this tragedy. My sadness is not understanding why, why are so many woman, experiencing the same trouble. Some for so many years.
I too believe that God is faithful, if only He could hold us and kiss our cheeks when the tears fall at night. Yet, we can take hope that things will not always be this way. One day, if not here, we will experience joy beyond comprehension,of this I am sure. God can be enough, He has to be, or we lose.. we must remember that "Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world." Hold on my Christian sisters, as many have stated, hold fast, be faithful and press in to Jesus!! I love you all~ with warmest alohas~
(CANADA) Your article certainly hit home for me. Been married for 22 years, and have made love twice in the last 11 years. Shuts up like a clam, or changes the subject any time I try to explain our situation & how I feel.
He’s great with other people, and sometimes he’s great with me. However, I need more than he’s willing to offer, and I am not getting it. Now, I’m seriously contemplating getting my own apartment this Spring because he doesn’t want to sell the house. Have been advised not to leave my house, but this is no life for anyone, whether male or female.
(USA) It saddens me to realize that there are so many of us suffering in this way, but at the same time it is a comfort to know I am not alone. The article above could have been written about my marriage. The fourth paragraph of number 2 on sexual relating describes my entire married life’s sexual relationship. I have serious emotional damage to my soul because I let it continue for 24 years. I finally could not allow myself to continue to be used in that way and told my husband no, and that things had to change for it to EVER happen again.
We have been seeing a Christian counselor for eight months now. My husband is just going through the motions, doing his assignments, and seems to think things are fine. It is still very hollow and forced. I sense resentment from him sometimes when he is doing something nice for me, like it is a necessary inconvenience. The counselor is concerned that he is still not becoming emotionally invested in the relationship. He is very passive aggressive, which is so hard to deal with. It leaves me feeling like everything is my fault and questioning my interpretation of what’s really going on. The counselor is helping me learn to listen to my gut and find my voice. It is hard. I am emotionally weary. It has affected my relationship with my Lord. I feel betrayed and let down. I need to feel the closeness of His loving presence, but I am so wounded and guarded. I am afraid if I ever acknowledge the depth of my pain it will engulf me.
(USA) Ivy- I am so sorry to read about what has been happening in your marriage for a very long time. All of us have issues with our emotionally impaired husbands to one degree or another. The bottom line is: This is not about YOU, but rather about HIM. Don’t make your husband’s issues your issues and certainly don’t translate any of his insensitivities into your relationship with the Lord. Our Lord feels your pain and your loneliness…and He will fill your life up with new joys and other special people to take the place of your emotionally distant husband. Jesus felt betrayed as well, so you know that He understands your situation. Do not let your husband’s shallowness negatively affect how you feel about the Lord…that is Satan whispering in your ear. When you get those thoughts and feelings, immediately say, "Get thee behind me Satan!" Say this with authority to yourself. Believe me, it works!!! The feelings go right away. I have done this for years. You will discover a peace in your soul when you realize the power you possess with Jesus in your heart. Be a warrior and fight with the full armour of God!! I will pray for you.
(USA) My wife and I have been married for over six years and have been having marital troubles for the entire duration of that marriage. My wife uses much of the information included in the article above, thinking that it is a blanket statement for all men who fit the descriptions contained therein even to the slightest degree. Although I must agree that the above advice can be useful for some couples, however, in my case it has made our marriage much worse. The advice above has given my wife license to berate me for all of the ills that have befallen her, as well as future ills. The advice above did not allow for my wife to take into consideration that marriage consists of both husband and wife to make concessions for one another. Both must grow as a couple and individuals.
Wives, if you are looking at the article above for advice, I implore you to take into account multiple sources and not just one that will justify the way you may be feeling. Listen to your husband and he will listen to you. Otherwise, he will be withdrawn and unhappy.
Thanks Todd for sharing this perspective. It’s difficult to know how to respond to what you wrote because I’m not there to witness what goes on with each of you during your points of conflict. There are always three perspectives present in every situation– yours, hers, and unbiased reality without any personal filters attached.
But I pray the Lord gives you and your wife a healthy measure of discernment in the future, so you are able to look behind and beyond each other’s words and actions (or lack of words and actions). There is a reason each of you is reacting in certain ways to each other.
We can’t emphasize it enough, that NONE of the information contained in the articles on this web site, should ever be used as ammunition to “berate” or use as a weapon against anyone. Everything is provided to help open up avenues of understanding and discernment (not close them down) when it comes to dealing with our spouse.
Sometimes when a person is extremely frustrated by the behavior of his or her spouse, some spouses are inclined to hit them with words (and others withdraw). Things said in articles and/or scriptures (along with anything else that comes to mind) are often tragically thrown out as verbal grenades. Sometimes this is a reactionary response to strike out at the person who SEEMS to be the cause of intense emotional pain. And other times the words are fired off with hopes that this might somehow “wake up” his or her spouse and bring about a positive change of behavior. But usually this only complicates matters all the more, and causes even more damage to the relationship. Many times it brings about an opposite effect where the other spouse either fights back or withdraws even more for various reasons.
I understand the temptation to fall into this type of behavior. I’ve been tempted in this way many, many times myself. But I’m reminded of something a pastor said in a message one time. He said, “You see his or her anger for its face value. You need to look behind the words and behavior to see the hurt.”
This has personally helped me many times to react differently and give grace to my husband’s words and actions. It’s amazing the insight the Lord can give us when we look beyond the surface of what is before us!
I pray the Lord gives you and your wife the discerning wisdom to “look behind the words and behavior” each of you displays. I pray He also gives you the godly insight to discover ways to build bridges to better work together in your marital relationship, and the courage to do what it takes to give each other agape grace “as unto the Lord.”
(USA) I can’t even talk to my husband about any issues that are not okay, without him blowing up and attacking me verbally by degrading my worth and value. Every time I try to sit down and discuss a means of resolving issues he flips out and screams. I will quietly and calmly try to engage in conversations to try and solve problems and bam … he’s screaming.
I am a nervous wreck and exhausted because I do not agree with everything that is going on with our children and their inability to behave and our inability to discipline them. They disrespect us and he allows it and encourages our sons to disrespect me by telling them that they shouldn’t look at me as a role model or any kind of good person because he believes that I am not. I believe this deep anger is related to his divorce from his first wife where he has expressed intense hatred towards her.
When I was pregnant, I lost our baby, and the day after he became angry over something and threw me against the wall. He left me on the floor to my own demise and said he didn’t care if I lived or died. I went to the ER for care and since then he hasn’t touched me. But he has become verbally and emotionally abusive on a monthly basis and he encourages his children to behave like himself because he believes he does nothing wrong.
What can I do and what should I do mentally, to preserve my own dignity and self worth? I have no authority in our home and I am treated like a child. I am disciplined as if I am a young teenager and not a 40 year old women. I do not want a divorce I just want this to stop.
(US) I couldn’t even finish reading all of this. So much hits home. Ivy, I’m in on this with you.
I’m tired of feeling like a piece of meat. My motto has become, if you really want to feel unappreciated, become a wife and mother. I get more out of helping women, more thanks and hugs at work than I do at home. Not to say my children aren’t great, they are…
I’m just stuck in a groundhog day type scenario and I am done with it. The kids don’t mind (or help) My husband never shows me any physical attention -not even holding hands, a hug, a small kiss, but then thinks I’m a robot when it comes to private time. I had a full hysterectomy 4 years ago and I have told him how much discomfort I have during that time. He says he is going to leave if I don’t give it to him more. Is this a venting site?? Ugh, I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do!
I love my hubby dearly and can look past most things, but he wants to fight about this in front of my children?! and these fights spark over “I don’t like the way you are driving”, or “please rub my back” (which happens for about a minute and is never pleasant, followed by a fight over the same thing). I swear I could ice a cake wrong and it will send him into “I’m gonna leave you if you wont have sex with me.” (cries)
(USA) Ok… Where do I start? I came to this page as a link from my church’s website. I’ve been here before, checking out different sections (issues) and found some great insights. I must admit I am Lost.
My Husband is emotionally unattached and admits it, but every promise to work on it is never kept. If there is any improvement, he resents me for it very openly. He is also a Christian (on some Sundays) but he won’t read with me anymore and getting him to pray with me, is a fight every night (when we sleep together).
Our last fight was major, and I was three days away from moving out. My husband professed his want for change and declared that he needed to get back in touched with GOD. It was a huge awakening. But it only lasted a few DAYS!!! It’s only been a few weeks since this happened and we are already back into the same routine that made me want to leave in the first place. I try to talk with him about it and it’s impossible. I am wrong no matter what I say. He’s completely shut down communication. If I say anything then I am nagging, or I am just talking too much. If I don’t say anything then it was my fault for not speaking up.
We used to meet with our Pastor once weekly because our problems were so bad (still are), and they’d get better for a minute and then go right back to being bad again. With this last big fight a few weeks ago, we met with our Pastor out of desperation and it did more bad than good. Even the Pastor has given up on him! He just doesn’t want to change and I am starting to question if he ever will. I know that I need to start praying for him more/again, but sometimes I just feel like … He’s not going to meet GOD half way and God won’t take away his free will.
Worst of all, he says I am the one with the problem and I should just be satisfied. How can I be satisfied? Sex… Yeah it’s at his will only and if I am not in the mood then I’m just the B-word or he’ll beg/guilt me until I relent. Even his sexual wants now are few and far between. Lay down his life? Sacrifice as Jesus did for the church? I am lucky if he’ll lay down the controller (x-box, or TV).
If it’s not one problem it’s another. I know that he’s keeping something from me. Every time I mention something that refers to him, he acts scared and wants to know what I know. It scares me because of all of the horrible things out in the open already (like pornography addiction), how bad could this secret be in order for him to keep it from me?
We have a 6-month old son who adores him and I am worried that if I do leave, my little guy will be heart broken with out his "da". I am tired of just gritting my teeth and bearing it. He treats me like crap, his family treats me like crap, and I don’t want my son to learn how to treat me like crap too. We might as well just be roommates instead of a couple. He does his own thing and refuses to spend time with me. So I started doing my own thing too. He thinks everything is great now. He lives his life and when he wants to "play house" then he can. He has no idea why I am unhappy, he says.
Please help someone? If there is anything you can think of, please tell me. I have no one left to confide in. Our Pastor is to the point where he’s done all he can. His parents (former confidants for both of us) are now completely alienated me, and treat me like I am the scum of the universe. They target my every fault and say the most hurtful things about me whether I am there or not, but never to me. They act as if I can’t hear them when I am in the same room (I’m huge… Hello just had a baby 6month ago), and my husband doesn’t defend me or claims he didn’t hear it. I can’t talk to my family about it because … well I guess the whole cleaving from your parents thing, as well as I don’t want them to make things more difficult. What do I do?
(USA) Hi Lynne, Thanks for sharing your testimony and dilemmas on this website. I will assure you that this website has a community of believers that are all solidly committed to not only helping themselves become better Christians, through their own problems, but committed to helping others (when possible) and praying for one another. So…in essence, you’ve come to the right place.
Before sharing my thoughts on what you wrote and my suggestions for what some of your options might be, I should first share my testimony so that you know where I’ve been and what God has helped me overcome and that will give you perspective on my viewpoints and where I can and can’t help you from my own experiences.
A little more than a year ago, I "came out of the closet" of spousal abuse. I endured an abusive relationship (or I should say my husband and I both) for more than a decade. I was lost most of the time and also in denial. It was hard to tell anyone our "secret" but as hard as it was it was the best thing I ever did. I finally did so because with our first child, I knew things had to change. With God’s help my husband and I both are different people and because of that, the legacy we are leaving to our son and any future children will be that of a household and marriage much freer of conflict, as well as healthy conflict resolution, than it ever was before we had children. I came to this site, at the beginning, for the abuse articles. Then, after the Holy Spirit leading me here to read those and then help me work on myself, I am now healed to the point where I can help others. So that’s about me.
Before I write anything to help you I must always add the preface that nothing I, your pastor or anyone else says, is meant to take the place of God. We are all only human. SO…..please take my personal experiences as suggestions you might consider, but everyone has their own path to walk and the Holy Spirit, which is God in us, always has to be the one who gives you your marching orders, ultimately.
I’m going to now write in order of what I thought as I read through your comments.
Number one – God hates divorce. It’s the way of the world, not of God. So, at every turn and argument, please keep those thoughts out of your head. Not only would God be disappointed but as you mention, your son would come from a broken home and that would be tragic.
Number two – the fact that you can’t change your husband and that your pastor has even "given up" is completely God’s will. I feel very strongly, from the Holy Spirit in me, that this is a message to you. It is God’s way of saying – it’s time for Lynne to draw close to me and look at herself.
The one thing I have learned from my experience as well as listening to the stories of other Christian couples is that when there is conflict, someone (and it’s usually one person more than the others; sometimes only one of the spouses at all) starts drawing very close to God and listening very intently to God’s leading. That person, in turn, starts showing a lot of fruits of the Spirit, such as peace and joy, that weren’t there before and then the other spouse starts wondering what is going on. That’s is God’s light shining through you. I went through this myself.
Having said the above I also need to say the following to build on that – you cannot, I repeat, CANNOT force your husband to change. The Bible says we can take a sin to a brother, but we can’t live in a constant state of rebuke to the other person because it then just becomes a selfish effort to get what you (not you personally but anyone) want but at the same time, it totally tears the other person down.
The change has to come from your husband. And, no, it does not sound like God is guiding him to change a whole lot right now. God is guiding you to change first. In the meantime (and this is also from my own experience), you stand up for your beliefs. That doesn’t mean rudely shoving your thoughts to your husband it just means, lovingly and calmly, standing up for what you believe in even if he doesn’t share your beliefs. If he doesn’t want to pray with you, don’t force it. The Bible tells us in Romans to live peacefully with others when possible. If asking him to pray with you is a fight then just don’t do it.
For the record, anytime a person is always blaming outward (i.e., your husband telling you everything is your fault) – that’s just immaturity. This is not for you to tell him, but it is something I know from my own experience and it is something you should be aware of to help you. The best thing you can do (and this is advice I got from another Christian and it has helped me tremendously) is to let their baggage be their own. Just let him be that way. You know what is and isn’t your fault and just let that be enough for now.
I assume you’ve told your husband all your concerns. If he is not led to care enough to change, then that’s God’s problem. You’ve done your part and now it’s time for you to really sink in and get close to God. God can’t use us for higher glory (any of us) until he draws us closer to him and the only way I’ve ever heard of that happening is through adversity.
As a personal note, I HATE when husbands call their wives the b-word. That’s a HUGE pet peeve of mine but that’s my flesh speaking. Don’t let Satan use that against you. Tell your husband, unemotionally and respectfully, you don’t appreciate that and leave it at that. That’s what it means to stand up for your own beliefs even if he doesn’t share those beliefs.
Those are all my thoughts on what you wrote and I hope they make sense. I really suggest you go to the "Power of a Praying wife" article and read through the thread of comments there. There are comments from MANY different wives with a wide array of adversities and I think you will not only find comfort that you are not alone, but will be inspired at how all of us who write comments there encourage one another and find triumph over Satan, which people also write there as well. Here is the link to that page: http://www.marriagemissions.com/the-power-of-a-praying-wife/
A personal side note, I don’t know if it was where I was in my walk at the time or not, but I read through most of that book (Power of a Praying Wife) and actually did not find it very helpful, but the page above has a lot of comments by others who seem to find the book helpful. I find the comments more helpful than the book itself, but that’s just my personal opinion.
I will keep you in my prayers. In Christian Love.
(USA) LT, You are awesome. You must truly be touched by the HIS Spirit because that is exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve read all the comments here prior to writing one myself. I almost feel as if I do know you already, and I was kind of hoping that you’d respond. You’re completely right. I do need to take this time to get closer to HIM. HE is the reason the we have our marriage and love it’s self is HIM so to understand, getting closer to the source seems way more than logic. THANK YOU!
You’re also right when you say that divorce is not the answer. I am very committed as to not letting that happen, but I can’t say that I am not committed to keeping separation out of the question. (Wish I Was) But every time I suggest a temporary separation my husband flips out and stops paying bills and working less so that I have to catch up on the bills with all of the income I make. He tries to financially "set me up" so that I can afford to leave. It makes me insane.
LT, I also kind of wondered if you had any advice on dealing with his family? We have an event coming up soon where my presence is expected and I really don’t want to go but kind of have to. It takes everything I am not to snap on them or say hurtful things back to them, (because I know I could be far more cruel with out even trying). And I am praying before I walk through the door that I am able to keep my mouth shut! Is there anything you’d recommend? I really don’t care if they like me or not, but I fear that I will lower myself to another standard and say evil things.
In the past I have completely shattered someone with my words before by abusing a gift God gave me intended to help others. I am able to see through people and know why they are hurting. It kind of freaks some people out because I may not know them very well if at all, but usually I am of comfort to others in need. I am so worried that if I let my anger get the best of me, the first thing that is going to fly out of my mouth is going to be the one thing that can really cut that person. What do I do to prevent myself from really doing damage?
I also wondered if you have any advice about how to handle his secret? Again last night (while he was trying to comfort me over the impending death of a loved one) I could just sense that he was distant and something is really weighing on him. He wants to tell me but can’t, and I fear that I may already know what he is going to say. I am uneasy with the thought but the fact that he cared enough to want to comfort me felt nice, because I didn’t think that he cared at all.
Thank you so much for everything you said again. I am really taking it to heart and I am going to check out the link you suggested. I really do appreciate all you’ve said and done for me with out even knowing me. It reminds me that not every one has an agenda. I know that you are right. GOD is trying to tell me to draw closer to HIM and to look at myself. Thank you kindly with LOVE. Love, Lynne
(US) Lynne- I totally agree with LT. There are some questions though that you need to address with your husband and be forthright…if I understand you correctly, your husband appears to have a "pornography addiction". Is this correct? If that is so, you need to stand firm and INSIST that you WILL NOT allow this type of behavior and sin in your home. Your home is YOURS and the LORD’s also and your husband has no right to bring this filth into God’s house. Secondly, if his "secret" is something like infidelity, this must be addressed immediately and repented of. If your husband fails to be repentant and continues to fall into this sin of the flesh, the marriage bond is broken and you are free to leave without guilt. I am not saying that this IS the case, but you need to find out if this is so. Your husband will need counseling and prayer to free himself of his flesh.
As far as his family is concerned…there is GREAT power in kindness. Believe it or not, the kinder you are to them and the nicer you are, despite their cruel nature and comments, the better things will be. Your kindness will deflate their ability to attack you and find fault with you. Even if you have to "fake" your kindness and grit your teeth…do it. They will have no choice but to respond positively to you or not at all. Try it…it works!
Lastly, LT is correct in telling you that your husband’s problems are HIS and the Lord’s. Let God handle him. More than likely, God is going to have to put your husband in a place of submission to Him and oftentimes He has to do this through adversity. Stand by your husband and pray for him. Even if it is from afar, should you have to leave temporarily if your husband is being unfaithful to you or will not stop with the pornography. For now, focus on your baby. He needs you more than ever. You might be a little more sensitive since you are post partum and your hormones might be off balance. This happens to the best of us! Knowing that, be sure to take care of yourself and focus on keeping yourself healthy through a healthy diet and exercise program.
After we have babies, our bodies are out of shape and we feel vulnerable because we may not look as great as we want. Focus on getting yourself healthy and in shape. This will help you feel better about yourself and you will have more energy and a more positive self-esteem. Keep your mind occupied on the good things in your life like your baby…focus on the good and let God deal with your husband. Surrender him to the Lord now as He is the only one that can change your husband. You CANNOT do this, nor can your pastor. Pray, pray, and pray. Remember that God loves him more than you ever could.
We will hold you up in prayer. Stay strong in Jesus and get as close as you can to HIM by spending time with Him. God bless you.
(USA) Laurie, You are so right! Thankfully I did find out the secret and it’s not infidelity with another woman. He had however, fallen victim to the temptations of porn again. I think I actually handled it quite well. I didn’t freak out and I have been praying for him and so far it’s worked more than what I believed it would. I did get rid of the material and blocked all access to the computer. He responded better to my calm reaction with remorse and understanding. He actually did do a devotion with me the other night and it really surprised me.
I recently lost my Grandmother and I must say that through this difficult time my husband has shined. He’s been there for me and we are growing closer again. However, I do need to some prayers that I may grow closer to HIM as well. Please Pray for my commitment that I may follow through with my own hunger for HIM? Things are starting to get better and I am positive it’s because I have been praying and because all of you have been praying too. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
Unfortunately things with the in-laws aren’t any better. We stopped by to visit them tonight because my brother in law had forgotten his keys at a friends house that lives nearer us. So we brought them out to him. Needless to say things aren’t any better. I am really treated like way more than an outsider. I am treated like crap. His mother acts as if I am trash and my son isn’t as good as her other grandchild. It’s because he came from me. I don’t doubt that she loves him, but I serious doubt that he’ll ever truly be given a chance by them.
She has literally purchased almost everything for her other grand child. While I am not ungrateful for what we’ve been given, I am upset how she rubs her purchases for her other grand child in my face. I am not just jealous and just noticing that she’s more giving towards the other grand child. She intentionally brings up every purchase and rubs it in my face while grinning and comparing it to my son’s things. I am still trying to kill with kindness but I am getting completely fed up with how I am treated and how it’s carrying over to my son.
I am pretty sure that I am done going with my husband to his families’ house. I have been more than kind to them and the slaps in the face are not going to stop because apparently they feel so badly about themselves that tearing me down gives them pleasure. I used to be ok with that and just have sympathy for them, but now that this is overflowing on to my son… I am not going to allow this to continue. I’ve taken the high road this whole time and I’ve really lost my ability to continue at least for now. I don’t want to let my self get to such and evil place that I compromise who I am by tearing them down and seeking revenge.
What should I do? I will continue (re-start) Praying for them but I need some advise as to how to handle myself. Please pray for patience, and protection from the devil taking my words as his arson? Love, Lynn
(USA) I am a man in a relationship who fits the description to a "T". Where does a man who knows he needs and wants the help go? I am so frustrated with myself, I know I have failed my mate, she is angry, and I’m afraid God is displeased, as well.
(USA) Stephen, Go to GOD! and pray about it. You may not be able to fix things but HE can. Telling your wife how you feel, sharing this article with her, asking her what you can do would be a great start. Express to her your want to make her know she’s loved. The most important thing to do is to PRAY, and cherish her. Remind her how much you love her.
My husband and I are working on things in the same way right now. It doesn’t change overnight, but if you cherish her, she’ll start respecting you. There are some great romantic ideas on this website check those out for starters. The biggest change you’ll need to make is opening up your feelings to her. Start with telling her how much you LOVE her. Reading a daily devotion with her is an awesome idea too. The couple that prays together stays together!
Finally, seek out some help, Ask your Pastor for advice on how to give yourself to your wife. I am sure he’ll have some great advice to give.
Good luck Stephen, and you’re awesome for recognizing that you’ve been hurting and even more awesome for doing something about it. Your wife is a blessed woman. And after you show her how hard you are trying, she’ll realize that. I know that I realize now how great my husband is, and I respect him and appreciate him way more now than ever before. I KNOW he loves me, and she needs you to give her that affirmation too. PRAY and talk with your pastor. Love, LYNNE
(ZIMBABWE) Hie everyone. This is my first time on this section though I have been reading a lot of sections on marriage Missions. I have gathered a lot of encouragement from all of you who have written. I think we need to pray ladies, for this world is not easy to live in without God. Better still we need to pray for our marriages and husbands for Ephesians 6vs 10-18 clearly expresses that we are fighting against principalities of darkness and evil spirits. For us to remain in our marriages after all the issues we are talking of, we need the Lord and pray until something happens.
These problems should not deter us, for us thinking of divorce is not good. We need to refocus on the Lord and pray and ask him to change us first, to be able to see the things that we as wives are contributing, for the husband to be emotionally distant. Please get me right, I’m not saying we are the contributory factors, but what I’m saying is to let the Lord guide first to change you first, and work on our husbands. I know that normally when you pray about it sometimes things get even most stressful but don’t lose hope. Remember when you are praying the devil is also listening and will try by all means to disturb us. When we pray lets ask the Lord to help us hear his word when He’s speaking to us. Whatever might happen please do not lose hope, the Lord is our refuge, our shining armor and is there to carry our problems for us. Whenever faced with a problem take it to the Lord; he will provide.
I have just realised that the Lord does not like to see us suffering. My husband is emotionally distant. He does not tell you what he is thinking or better still plan with you anything at all. In most of the cases I find out about what he is doing in his life after going through his papers. At one time I said to myself, I have had enough and I confronted him and we exchanged such harsh words as he kept blaming for his passiveness.
I was so hurt that I phoned my father in law and told him what I felt and that I felt as if I was not his wife if he keeps hiding things from. But you know what? That never helped till one day when I came to this website and read through the section of the power of a praying wife. It’s then that I realised that I was telling the wrong people about my problems. I realised that the Lord is the best person to tackle my problems. After all he says, come all who are weary and I’ll will give you rest. I started praying about my marriage and my husband.
You know when I started praying, I noticed that sometimes I nag and I prayed that the Lord should help me. My husband has not changed 100% but I have seen some improvements. He now communicates some things and I’m grateful to the Lord for that small change in him, for at least now i see some things.
So I’m saying to all you ladies, pray the Lord will intervene. Sometimes I know that even when you are praying you might find that he withdraws again. But don’t lose hope. Take it to the Lord.
(USA) Hi everyone: my name is Rupert and I have been married for 20 years, have four children and a rocky marriage from emotional abuse to some physical action. We have attended several retreats in our Catholic church and some how it hasn’t helped us. We have grown a distance from each other but the sex drive is becoming weaker.
Lots of time I ask myself if I should just give up and move on but in I still love her. Lots of time I get a gut feeling that she’s having an affair due to the fact that she is friendly with men at work and treats me like garbage. Maybe I deserve it? I will try as much as I can, I’m just afraid that I will one day do something that she doesn’t deserve…and I hope the Lord hears me.
Ladies, always remember, never compare your men to others. Don’t humiliate them and pay lots of attention to them. Never, never treat other men better then your better half. He should be the best treated one. Never tell your husband that you need space. Stop calling me. I feel that you are tracking me. I have a different needs then you. ….Well I know what I have done and I take full responsibility over my actions, but I am starting to feel insecure. Please pray for me.
(US) It is nice to hear a guy say something too, and I understand your feelings. My husband acts similar to your wife. Double standard. The don’t call me thing gets old. If I did not pick up when he called me, he would talk about taking my phone, go on and on about how I ignore him, or am up too something.
Now that I have been home a little while, I keep the house clean, cook and take care of my girls. We all make him feel like he is important, he needs it. He is used to it. I am not, so even if I buy my girls something, I let him take the credit. But, he needs to understand that he cannot expect something of me that he doesn’t want to give. Answer my call, let me know if your plans change, if you go away for 12 days to another country. As his wife, I feel it is not to much to ask him to tell me what activities he did, what kind of food, who all went? Why? The truth is easy, he expects nothing less from me, but his ego makes him feel a man should not be questioned. If she loves you, she will take the time to call you, if she is annoyed by you in some way, after you both discuss things, she can bring out your good points, and the bad..well forgive and move on.
I cannot ever wish the silent treatment, or the space card on anyone, I find when you love someone, you are willing to try, even if the person feels they are not wrong, to try would show commitment.
(USA) Hi sir how are you? I hope you are doing well, I have a problem similar to you my husband is a workaholic and he loves others more than me. When it comes to me, I don’t even exist. It’s like I am invisible. Everyone’s feelings matter more than how I am feeling. And he lies all the time saying he loves me. How can you love someone but tell them the reason why you don’t spend time with them is because you are tired? But you are not too tired to spend time with others. I am so hurt and bruised
(USA) It’s uncanny how this article has described my and my husband’s relationship right now. It is oh so true, that it takes two to break up a relationship– at least in my case. I looked in the mirror and saw someone who was overbearing, oversensitive, pushy, controlling — a woman who loved under certain conditions. While I cannot be held responsible for his doings in this relationship, I can certainly claim my responsibility and hope and pray that it is not too late. I love him, but I just didn’t know how to show it.
(UNITED STATES) My wife is this husband. She is emotionally distant and afraid of being vulnerable and intimacy. Not sure how many more years I can invest in her to be honest.
(USA) I’m amazed at how your stories are so similar to mine. I’ve been married for almost 20 years and I’m spiritually broken. We have two young kids. Living with my husband is like being married to a piece of furniture. He’s not emotionally available and I caught him with Internet porn in the past and just found out that he’s having an emotional affair with an old girlfriend. He also has taken our son to Hooters when he was a toddler and thinks there’s nothing wrong with it. Just today I found "soft" porn in the garage – kids could see it – so I threw it in the trash.
I’ve tried everything to make it work, prayer – even lead a ministry; self development – finished my degree; tried to build him up – put him through school and paid $$$ for his dental work thinking it would help his self image; gym membership, counseling, etc. Pretty much you name it, I’ve tried it. It’s hopeless. I’ve been in prayer but it’s not helping – I’d commit suicide but I don’t want to hurt my kids.
One thing that I’ve come to realize is that I’ve married my mom. As a young child, my mom would lock me in my room or let me run the neighborhood so she wouldn’t have to deal with me. Then she ended up abondoning the family. Now I’ve ended up married to a man who has emotionally abandonded me. I think he’d divorce but he’s afraid of being the first in his family to divorce and his Catholic background of guilt.
I know I can’t change anyone but myself and I’m trying. My main concern now is my kids – I don’t want to see them grow up and marry someone like my husband. I know they’re hurting because of our recent fighting – I’m confronting him now and my oldest overheard about the affair and it’s upsetting to her.
I don’t think that I love him anymore. I don’t trust him and I don’t respect him. I feel that I’ve done everything I can to make the marriage work, so I guess the only option is divorce. I keep praying for direction but nothing has come to light. I just wish the pain would stop and I could figure out the best way to go forward and not hurt my kids.
(USA) Hi Suz, I’m very sorry to hear what you are currently going through. As I read through your post, some thoughts came to mind. Keep in mind, I don’t know exactly what you are going through because I’m not in the exact same boat but I do see some similarities in experiences I’ve had in the past so I will share what I feel I’ve learned from the parallels in our two different walks.
One thing I will say is that since children are a gift from above (from God to us), God holds us accountable and expects us to take care of whatever He blesses us with, be it a house, a spouse, a child, etc.
So, of course you feel an onus to care for your children in the best way. Obviously, if your kids are seeing porn (soft porn or not), it is your responsibility to protect them from that. I Cor. 13 says that love protects.
Another verse that comes to mind is: 2 Timothy 2:22 Flee also youthful lusts; but follow righteousness, faith, charity, and peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
By not allowing your children to view porn secondhand, you are following the mandate above to follow righteousness. You cannot make your husband change or do what the verse above says, but you can do that for yourself and your children.
God says wives are to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord, which means (among other things), that if the husband is doing something that is not in accordance with scripture, then the wife is to follow what God would have them to do and what God does tell them to do (via scripture), not the husband. You can’t change your husband (if he doesn’t want to change or have you help him change or see anything wrong with his choices), but you can pursue righteousness as it is up to you.
I see nothing wrong with you removing porn from your children’s eyes or where they might find it.
As far as discussions with your husband, my own experiences have taught me (and there are MANY articles both Christian and secular to support this) is that do so only when both are calm and tensions are not running high, otherwise the discussion will go nowhere. Also – my personal course of action that I choose in my own home is to have any discussion that might get even the least bit heated in another room away from the kids. If possible, try to do it when the kids aren’t there at all (if that’s ever possible). Especially on a subject like what you’ve got going on in your marriage.
Lastly – I want to recommend a wonderful book I just read recently that I believe can help you in a lot of your current dilemmas. It’s called "Love Must be Tough," by Dr. James Dobson (head of Focus on the Family). It’s got a lot of info on exactly what you are dealing with both in your spousal relationship as well as your role as a parent.
This book is not the single answer, just as no book (save the Bible) is but it’s a "piece of the puzzle." I’m a supporter of getting lots of info (from Christian resources) to give you as broad a perspective as possible. Then, from there, let God guide you to what pieces are for you from any resource you choose. Keep your relationship with God strong because, ultimately, that is your guiding force through this trial and all trials.
As far as respecting and loving your husband – we are to show respect because in doing so it shows respect to God. It’s His rule, not mine. But this might help you – you can love/respect the sinner, but not the sin. You are not blind to the sin and God in you/with you shows you the sin. Love the sinner, not the sin. That’s what God does for us.
Hope this helps. Know that God loves you and so do your children! LT
(USA) I was married 6 months ago, and my husband has already moved out. We were having issues with blending out families. You see, we both already had children. He said that he still loves me, but wants God’s will about returning home. I am so confused… to me God’s will would be for our marriage to be restored.
(USA) Very simply put. I am so grateful to have found this place. I look forward to growing with everyone.
(ZIMBABWE) Hi. I read thru all the articles and can relate with most of the women. I too have been married to a distant/cold man for 4 years. He has a great heart, loves the Lord, and I am sure loves me too (of which I am rarely told unless I ask, which is pitiful). I sometimes feel such despair because I need my husband to show & express his love so badly, which seems so hard for him. Do pray for me as well. I love the Lord and believe in faith all my prayers will be answered.
(USA) I can’t breathe. I feel like my whole world has come crushing down on me. My husband and I have been married for 9 years but have been together for 13. We have two children 5 and 8. Things between us haven’t always been great, but we have had our moments. Since our marriage we have been separated about 3 times and every single time I took him back.
Since August of this year (2008) I decided to make things right and be the kind of person he wanted me to be towards him. It was great but at times he would get really irritated, and get mad with me and the kids almost to the point that I could see the anger coming our his ears.
Every Tuesday and Wednesday which are his days off – he really gets upset with all of us and yells at the kids for no reason at all. I recall one time he told me in front of our 8 year old that he never wanted to be a father. Another time he told me that he was willing to give up his parental rights (again in front of our 8 yr old). Another time he got so mad, he jumped on me and said he was going to choke me (again in front of our 8 yr old). And now he does not remember any of that.
Lately, I have noticed him more distant – it is to the point that he watches more T.V. and has gotten even more lazy – because he does not help me with the housework. I have to do it when I get home. I work very hard. My day starts at about 5:30 a.m. and I don’t get home until 6:00 p.m. He on the other hand works only 5 hours a day – he is home by 10:00 or 10:30 in the morning.
Could it be another woman? I mean he didn’t even remember our anniversary – which was last week. I must continue to say that since our marriage began he has always accused me of being unfaithful when in reality I have not. I recently found out that when we were separated back in 2005 he cheated on me. I have a paper written in detail what he did. I was shocked!!! Because in my eyes, I never thought that he could do something like that. He tried to hold me. I couldn’t let him. The next day he texted me saying he was sorry to forgive him. I don’t know how.
Then I find a pair of underwear – which were not mine. He told me that he would tell me about those 3 to 4 months later. I said why? Because they will complicate things. I told him, tell me now because I don’t want a new wound opened. And he said they were my sisters. He took them one day he had gone to visit. I was even more shocked. I said why, he said I don’t know why, I just did. It was easy so I did it.
What gets to me the most is that he acts like there is nothing wrong. He calls me at work when he gets out – "Hey Baby – how you doing?" I can’t take this anymore I want to know what is going on. Believe me there is so much to tell but I probably will fill page after page after page. Can someone out there please advise me?
(US) I am a newly wed. I love my husband. He is a kind, gentle, respectful man. A little over a year ago I got out of a terribly abusive relationship. He was a narcissist in every degree. So my simple, quiet, mysterious boyfriend, at the time, soothed my life. For once I felt like life was genuine.
I am a very open, honest, sensitive/emotional woman who tends to worry more than I probably need to. My husband is so quiet, sometimes I will say something just to make conversation to get to know him better, to just connect… and he’ll shut me down with a simple but abrupt " okay" and that’s it.
It makes me feel as though he doesn’t want to get to know me or to connect with me on a personal friend level. He is extremely distant at times. It isn’t until I’ve had it and we are in a confrontation that I see some speck of emotion.
Don’t get me wrong, he tells me he loves me more than often… but he gives me nothing else. Sometimes I feel as though he’s just going through the motions of life, that he truly doesn’t feel that passionate, deep, caring love for me.
It’s just the beginning and I already feel worlds apart. I don’t want to be with an emotionless Zombie for the rest of my life, but I’m out of ideas of how to break him out of being so emotionally distant. In his eyes, putting a ring on my finger was enough… I wish it were.. Because this emotional emptiness is leaving me spiraling down the slope of depression.
I’m 21 and a model… I fear if this goes on for much longer I am going to fill this hole with something else and completely shut him off in the same way. All I want is real raw feelings. I want anger and happiness and sadness… I want everything good and bad. I’m terrified of the dark future I’m feeling so soon.
I’m a big people person, and can usually read people within the first few minutes of talking with them.. How is it that when it comes to my husband, the man I should know the best… All I see is an empty shell?
(US) I just read the comment above mine… Have you ever considered that he may have a mental illness? I grew up with a bi-polar/boarderline schizophrenic father.. He was fine until about age 30, when I was about the age of your children. He would say and do things that were just outrageous and than laugh them off later like it fixed everything.
The worst part about mental illnesses is the people who have them think everyone else is wrong. They don’t see that they have a problem, they usually blame everyone else.
If he had chocked you or even threatened you, I would suggest you leave him with a restraining order, or give him a choice.. you and the kids leave… or he gets a serious psychological screening.
It sounds to me like he’s made his mind up about you and your children. I doubt that will change… I really do feel for you, he sounds like my father (who is now heavily medicated– but for once I am proud and happy to invite him into my life) and my ex boyfriend.
Just please beware, it seems he’s made his choice that he’s in it for himself and only himself. In my opinion, and with my experience.. that means only downhill things for you unless drastic, courageous measures are taken.
Good Luck. I hope I helped a little.
P.S. Did you ever bring the panties to your sister to verify that they were hers? I suggest that you bring that out in the open. Personally I wouldn’t believe a word out of his mouth.=-/
I’m truly sorry about your situation. I wish I had hopeful words for your relationship…
Again… good luck.
(USA) Kelsey, I was just reading your comment. I feel like I was reading my own. I am twenty years old, I also came out of an abusive relationship and while I was in it… I met my husband. He was an awesome loving Christian man that rescued me from the Hell I was living in. We have been married for three years, and the last year or so has been… frustrating. We don’t really have anything to fight about, but we don’t talk either. It’s like talking to a house plant. I don’t have any advice for you, b/c I can’t fix my own marriage. However I am online if you need to vent or talk. I completely understand where you are coming from.
Laura
(USA) Well, I can certainly relate to most of these posts if not all of them. I’m on my 3rd marriage. First marriage, I was 18 (wanted to flee my abusive home life as fast as possible), had a child along with severe post-postpartum depression. My husband and I split and he kept the child (I couldn’t deal with any of it at that time). I married a second time to an emotionally distant husband. He ended up leaving thank God (though I was mortified at the time…he met someone online and left to go and be with her).
Then I married my 3rd husband after a 6 year going with him and breaking up period. I have to say, I love this man probably more than I ever did any of the other men; however, this one is a bit different. He is a recovered Alcoholic…Here’s a quick run down of my life with him.
I met him in Florida after the breakup of 2nd marriage. I had a 4 year old daughter at the time. We dated on and off but he broke up with me for about 6 weeks so he could go with another woman… then ended up wanting me back… like an idiot… I took him back. Then he left Florida to move to Georgia (job change) and left me there. His words were: "We can keep in touch via the internet"… 3 or 4 days later he’s wanting to know what I’m doing, where I’ve been…etc etc…the works right.
Then he calls me about 4 weeks later and begs and cries that he misses me and that he’s so lonely in Georgia and wants me there with him. I leave my school (I was going to be a nurse… but I like an idiot… up and left (talk about co-dependent!), and went to be with him. We were there for approx a year before he came to me one day and said he felt guilty and that I should move to New Hampshire to be with my mother and go to school there (we could keep in touch via the internet).
I drove the millions of miles to get there with ALL of my stuff, moved in with my mum and a day later proceeded with signing up for school. A week later, I get this call from him begging me to marry him and come back, he missed me. What did I do like a freaking idiot AGAIN? I turn around and came back.
While home in Georgia again with him, I find that he was cheating on me while I was in New Hampshire and get the feeling that he wanted me to leave so he could. (He wasn’t really interested in my feelings). So, then when I confront him about it, move out into a friends home, he calls and begs me pleading and crying for me to take him back and that we can move into a house and be a family. What did I do? You got it! I performed like the idiot I am and moved back with him. Then we found a house together and a year later got married. (I must have been out of my ever loving mind!).
A year or two go by and he is drinking excessively and he’s out of control. He loses his job and he loses his license and wrecks my truck on the highway, nearly killing himself. What did I do? I stayed by his side during the entire recovery time, drove him around (and boy was he miserable when he wasn’t drinking) for about 9 months.
He promised and promised we would move to New Hampshire near my mother. She was getting older and I wanted to spend more time with her. (By the way, she was an alcoholic too!) So we planned to move there and he promised my daughter some farm animals and well, as you can imagine, that didn’t happen.
We ended up in another state that I hate more than life (not in Florida). He promised me he was trying to make himself a better husband and even started to journal. He promised again that we would only be living here long enough for him to achieve his goals (which was his Bachelors Degree… about 2 and a half years.) 6 years later… we are still here!
The whole time while raising my daughter I would hear, “We don’t do anything because you have a daughter and she just complicates the marriage. Once she’s gone we’ll be able to go places, do things spend more time together, etc etc etc.”
Well, it’s been 2 years since my daughter has left and lives on the west coast! What has he done in our relationship? NADA! He’s emotionally distant, socially inept when it comes to making friends, rude and contentious. He lives in his tiny room off of our 600 square foot apartment and uses it as an excuse that he has to be marketable so he can get a better job, one that pays more money. The last job he had he was laid off of but he wasn’t happy when he was pulling in 6 figures and he still is pulling a low 6 figures and still isn’t happy!
I’ve complained, conjolled, prayed, cried my eyes out, had emotional affairs to quench the loneliness which only makes me feel guilty in the end and bitter toward the fact that I have to go there to begin with! I’ve had near nervous breakdowns trying to explain to him these things and he just looks at me like he’s lost! If by any chance that I happen to be having a happy day, listening to my country music for example, he has to make it miserable for me by telling me that it’s junk music and making lots of racket so I’ll turn it off!
If he’s hungry, instead of asking me to make him something to eat, he simply just says, "Hungry" or "Thirsty" or "Get me a Pepsi". He used to watch TV and then just hand me his plate without eye contact or anything!
So, what to do, what to do… I don’t want to cheat on him… I love him (although that is beginning to make me wonder… do I love him or feel sorry for him?). I am also beginning to beg God to make him meet someone else or have him leave me so I don’t have to leave him! We’ve had some good times together in the past.
Sex is nearly non-existent! Once every 6 months is not kosher for me. It really isn’t about the sex though, it is about the companionship and closeness.
I’m sorry this was long but it’s my 2 cents or 2 million dollars worth!
(USA) Hello everyone
I was working on my marriage issues when I came across the name of a counselor named Mort Ferel on the Internet. What he writes is simple, accurate and helpful esp. to marriage relationships. I suggest that everyone look up his website and you will probably find the answers you are seeking. I did. I feel his skills are gifts from God, and that he is comparable to people like Mother Teresa, Cesar Milan the dog whisperer, and Abraham Lincoln. He is a miracle worker to relationships.
Best wishes to everyone. Anne M-H
(USA) After reading many of the sad posts I wonder why we have not found a cure for this problem of valuing ourselves apart from the feelings of others. I suffer like everyone else fighting, waiting, crying and hoping that something will get better –that if I do this, then maybe he will do that. Then I remember the curse (and I am not saying that this is the only thing in play) "Your desire shall be for your husband and he will rule over you". Is there a healing this side of heaven to redeem us from that curse? If Jesus is the answer to the curse then when does it lift? He came to heal the broken hearted to set free the captives– there must be a way.
As for the men who are cheating on their woman, that is their character flaw, mental illness or whatever. You can forgive him but you don’t have to live with him anymore — you have a biblical release of contract. My husband is so distant emotionally, I have wondered at times if it could be another women but he doesn’t make much effort at anything other than going to work and it takes up most of his time so I too would be surprised. I can recall being so lonely in our marriage that I provoked him to just get it over with and cheat already because I already felt abandoned.
I have struggled with wanting the okay (biblically) to leave cause sometimes just like all the other Christian women who can’t figure their men out, it just gets too painful and lonely to be with an emotionally unavailable person. Then something happens and he tunes in and I have hope. That is where it sadly reminds me of abuse. The neglect and then a time of connection make you hold out in hope that it will get better, but then we go right back into the pattern in the article to a tee.
(UNITED KINGDOM, LONDON) Hi Carol, I just read your post and i really feel for you and your situation. It must be very difficult to have a husband whose like a roller coaster, one minute up and the next down.
I think that the passage you quoted is quite true, if only one partner is willingly to have a God filled marriage, NOT if both husband and wife are willing to give 100% towards the marriage and want God to be the centre of that marriage. There is healing this side of heaven but sometimes that healing may not be for your marriage, it may just be for yourself.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is to focus on the other partners problems because we feel that we are the ones who have be wronged, and we find it very difficult to see where we ourselves have gone wrong. If you give your problems to Jesus then he will heal your broken heart.
We must remember that whatever we go through, Jesus suffered a million times worse, yet he had nothing to suffer for, but he willingly took on that suffering for us. So imagine how broken hearted he is when we turn around and say "how can Jesus heal my broken heart" etc knowing what he has done for us already?
It does seem that your husband is being very selfish in the way his acting and his not even considering your feelings through this. My only advice is that you really need to sit him down and brutally tell him the truth, without raised voices or anger, but in a way which he knows how serious you are and how hurt you are by his actions.
Marriage is NOT about figuring out your man, it’s about finding mutual ground where both partner feel loved and appreciated, and finding ways to deal with your problems as a threesome, you, your husband and most of all GOD.
I know how hard it must be living with an emotionally unavailable husband, but I really think that if you stop focusing your energy on the things his not doing, and start putting it into your relationship with God then you’ll definitely see a change, maybe not in your husband but within yourself.
You may think I sound a bit full of myself but trust me I’m only telling you the advice, I myself, am trying to take even though it is so so hard.
For me, I’m living with a husband who’s a sex addict and has been involved with some terrible things. On our 2nd wedding anniversary he confessed that he was addicted to porn, but worse still he’d been receiving oral sex from strange men in public toilets. The pain I felt that night and am still feeling is so deep that I honestly didn’t think that there was any way through this.
It’s been 4 months now, my husband has been so brave, and he’s definitely fighting a wining battle.
He’s done so well, he’s got himself a great counselor from our church, and enrolled on a 33 week living waters course. We’ve been on the Alpha course together twice and we are going to start marriage counselling together once I have done my own personal counselling with my counselor from church.
The pain doesn’t go away, but as time passes it slowly becomes less until you can no longer feel it.
What I’m saying is that my husband and I have a long long way to, I’ve gone through so many emotions over the last 4 months and on so many occasions I’ve been ready to take my girls and run, without stopping.
But then I remember my wedding vows, and the promise I made before God. Times are tough right now, but we’ve had some amazing times as well and I can’t forget that. I praised God in those amazing times so how can I turn my back on God through this tough time? My husband is 110% committed to restoring our marriage and I’m 110% committed as well because we love each other so much. We treasure our family and the life we had.
My husband chose to do the wrong thing. He’s being accountable for his actions, to me and to his personal mentor/counselor. My husband is ready to put in the hard work. He’s got a lot of making up to do because we’ve now got so many issues we’re now faced with, but we are ready to confront them together because we both have God as our back bone.
It may all come back to slap me in the face but in my heart I know the truth. I know that God will heal me as he has done in the past, but most of all he is healing my husband in so many amazing ways because he’s opened up his heart to him. That hole we all have in our hearts is a God shaped hole; it can only be filled by his spirit when we allow it. My husband has allowed it and I’m so proud of him for that.
When a partner betrays you, their words mean nothing, only their actions can be prove of the change within them, once you see it, you can believe it.
I will have you in my prayers. Please don’t give up on your marriage just yet. Once you feel you have given it your all and can look back with no regrets, then you will know what to do, but give him a chance and if it’s God’s will, your marriage will be healed. There is a light at the end of that tunnel.
That light is our Lord Jesus Christ. Let him be your guide through this terrible time. Love and prayers, Caroline
(USA) I read this article with great interest, but from a completely REVERSE situation. Being married for the last 3.5 years to a woman who is completely uncomfortable showing love unless first approached with love, I have grown resentful, angry, hurt, annoyed, you name it.
To make matters worse she has spent these same 3.5 years in medical school. The predictable result? A relationship with school and none with her husband (me). When I confront her about this, I hear anger, subject changing, blame and prolonged silence (all of the behaviors mentioned in this article). And yep, I have become the pushy spouse who demands change or else.
My personal opinion is that anyone in such a relationship should try counselling and patience, but after the issue begins to affect your own sanity and well being it may well be time to move on. People rarely change and compromising your own mental well being and living a life without love is a life you will regret in your later years. I’m giving it a few more months to see if she puts a tenth of the attention into this as she has into her studies (which I am supporting). Call me a quitter, but I don’t want to wake up ten years from now in the same place. In most ways she is the woman of my dreams, but this emotional "distance" easily overshadows a million other attractive personal traits.
(AUSTRALIA) Hi there all you suffering friends, I wish to say that when I was reading all the stories and knowing first hand the hurt that we all feel, that I think in relation to scripture that although "the word" never changes, the Bible was written 2000 years ago. The truth is the same but we live in an age of "virtual reality" so as photographs and internet were non existent in the time of Jesus we live in the world as it is now.
So if your husband is "having sex with himself", to put it politely, via pornography, then where do you draw the line between adultery re sexual intercourse? If the image that he is sharing himself with was actually able to be flesh and bones in front of him would he be still "at it".
I am 55 years old with three adult children to my husband and we have been together for 35 years. As we now speak I am separating from him. I know the emotional damage that has been wrought upon me and I have done my best to be a good wife and mother. I see the scriptures this way,
Sin separates us from God and of course Our Lord paid the ransom.
We were created with mind, body and spirit.
The spirit of evil (sin) is in all of us.
When we are united with our husband in the eyes of God we are to be faithful to his commands. When the sin of our husband’s cannot be addressed and they will not repent then I see that it is ok to "separate". Let the divorce issue come up later.
If they choose to dishonor the vows of marriage then they need to go their own way,whether The Lord corrects them is His business. Eventually the unrepentant husband will commit adultery as he cannot live without "his needs",whether that is a wife who cooks and cleans or a sexual playmate. Jesus doesn’t expect us to suffer in the presence of unrepentant sin but rather to overcome.
So I would like to suggest to you all that when you have tried and tried until it becomes obvious that the old pattern is still there (re emotional abandonment) that you let the sinner take the consequences and hope that The Lord can get some sense into him. He will always be there for us who are his own but he gave us free will and intelligence to use for His Glory.
How does it glorify The Lord when we walk our lives in defeat? Bondage seems to come to mind. Satan has your husband so keep praying but don’t lose your happiness to your husband’s sin of neglect and torture your poor intellect by hoping. God is of course there for us but you must do something with his guidance. To whine and think it is honorable to be a victim is self defeating.
May my words help us all. With love, Ros
(AUSTRALIA) After searching online for so long for some anonymous but GENUINE help and information on this issue, I was so pleased to finally find some REAL information I practically wept. I am not coming from a religious approach at all, but still got so much out of the above article. I feel so alone, and I hope with all my heart that this place can be the beginning towards finally making the necessary changes to save my marriage. I know it begins with me, and hopefully, hopefully, the changes in me will affect my husband and marriage positively and repair it once and for all. I hope he matures and wakes up once he sees the changes in my approach.
(USA) I’m glad I found this site, because it described so clearly a lot of the things that are happening in my marriage right now. I have only been married two years, but I am seeing these patterns of evasiveness (from him) and pursuit (by me) and worry that they are going to become permanent fixtures of our relationship.
My husband has always had a tough time being open emotionally, and there have been several times during our relationship where it has become a very big issue. He finds it so easy to dedicate time and energy to his hobbies, but very difficult to do the same with me or his son. (We have a two-month old baby boy.) It seems like we have this pattern now: I am in charge of everything to do with the baby, house, meals, cleaning, etc., even though I work full-time; he is in charge of doing his own thing and seeing me/spending time with me or our child on his own terms. It’s not that he doesn’t like or love us; I do believe that he cares about us, in his way. It’s just that I also feel like sometimes, he could take it or leave it. If we left, I think he’d be upset about it for a little bit– a couple of days, maybe– then move on, without a problem.
He tells me he loves me and gives me a peck on the cheek every day, but that’s about it in terms of physical or emotional closeness. I used to have to ask for physical intimacy, but then I would feel so trampy– and he would usually resist, anyway, or kill the mood deliberately to avoid doing anything with me. I was getting so frustrated, and no matter how many different ways I try to deal with it or discuss it with him, nothing seems to change.
I recently started to shut down a little bit, and pull away from him. I just can’t take feeling hurt and lonely and abandoned all the time, so I decided to close down my emotional side instead. I have shut myself off so that I can be "good company" instead of upset, hurt, crying, etc., because I recognized that was only making things worse (he would retreat, I would get upset, he would retreat more, I would get more upset, etc.). Unfortunately, becoming more emotionally distant myself hasn’t necessarily helped in that it seems to have made me stop caring as much. I can’t even seem to care enough to cry any more, let alone feel joy or passion or all of those things I normally feel/want in a relationship.
And here’s the kicker– he has hardly even noticed! He thinks everything is just fine, and in fact seems much happier that we are basically living as roommates. Yes, roommates who get along and can chat about things and do the basic surface things, but just roommates. Every so often, he’ll kind of notice that things are different, somehow, and he’ll give me a little extra attention– say "I love you" and put his arms around me for a minute while I do dishes, wink and make a suggestive comment… but the sad thing is, I’m just not that interested anymore. I look at it almost clinically, like something that is happening in a movie, not to me in real life. I think it’s sweet, from a distance, but I can’t really *feel* the same things anymore. I’m worry that I won’t be able to re-connect with him even if he ever decides that he wants to repair our relationship… although that’s a very big "if" because he just doesn’t seem to recognize that there is a problem to be fixed.
For now, I’ve been able to focus on my son, my own projects, my friends, my career, etc., but none of that makes me feel cherished by my husband. I am determined that I will not end up being one of those women who depends on her children for emotional support and satisfaction, or a workaholic, or anything like that, but I’m also reluctant to consider divorce. It would seem so trivial to leave for this reason alone; I mean, I know he loves me, I know he likes me as a friend, we can hang out and enjoy each other’s company… but is that all I can expect from this man, this marriage? To be friends? Where is my partner, my lover, the man who makes my heart race? I hope there is a solution, because I am not willing to live the rest of my life like this.
(USA) I have been married for 25 years. Have an emotionally absent husband who, at one time, went to church with me. Why is it when they are dating you, you are the most important person in their book, but after you get married, they slack off and "change?"
Why do they suddenly become immature and selfish? Is it because they put up a big front and after marriage the true colors come out from hiding? How fair is that? Anyway, my husband and I have had no sex for 20 years, no communication. We sleep in different bedrooms, live separate lives… it is so un-Christlike, but I feel helpless to make any changes, as I have tried and tried, but to no avail.
He humiliates me, criticizes me, constantly looks at other women, has made lewd
comments to me about other "beautiful women", has torn me down emotionally, and then acts like nothing happened at all! I feel so resentful towards him, almost hateful!
I sit at church alone. I am alone all of the time. I am beginning to like being alone. It isn’t as painful as being around him. One time, he told me to "go jump in a lake."
He takes no responsibility for his cruel words but if I say something out of line, I
am criticized. I tell him, "what’s good for the goose is also good for the gander."
Please help me. I can’t stand my husband. I am trapped and want out, but I can’t
leave. I am depressed because I can’t talk to him, or resolve our issues. Thanks!
(USA) I am becoming this emotionally distant spouse. My wife is so much better at arguing and remembering wrongs, I could never win an argument or voice what’s inside of me… I feel like she demands me to change. I know she’s unhappy and wants a close, open relationship. I just feel like she wants that relationship with the ME that she imagines I could or should be.
The problem is …I’m not that guy, I feel I would be willing to open up and relate if I was accepted by her, with all of my inadequacies and bad character traits. When I’m just being myself, I hurt her too much and it makes me mad at the same time because I don’t like those things I do to hurt her either. And when she’s hurt and upset, I get mad because it’s something that’s part of me that’s hurting her, something hard to change.
I just want to feel accepted, forgiven, understood, respected and given space to just be me. Who knows? maybe I’ll even start to love her then.
My wife also tends to think she never does anything wrong. I wish she would look deep down inside of herself and try to understand herself and me. Until things get better, emotionally distant for my protection.
(US) Hi Dave – well this could be something my husband could write about me and in fact, it’s probably very typical of most marriages that are still growing. The problem is that neither of you are getting validated – that’s why she’s hurt by you and is voicing that, hoping to get validated for it, and that’s also why you feel disrespected by her.
You can try to get to a place where both of you can talk about things without getting too emotional and it also requires both parties to listen. That’s the starting place to validation. It has to be win/win for both.
One book that is helpful is the 5 Love Languages – it gives ideas on how to show love to the other person in the way that they receive it best. There’s also a website and you can take the quiz about yourself and your wife.
Hope this helps. LT
(PHILIPPINES) Hi everyone! I’m reading all your comments and LT’s advice. I’m now suffering from my emotional depression. I’ve been married for 3 years and my husband has not become supportive to me emotionally or financially. He cares more about his friends and family than he does about me. He don’t even want to discuss problems. He told me that he loves me but it doesn’t show in his actions. His words are different from what he’s doing. Please help me!
(USA) I have the very same problem Mary. I don’t know what to do either. I need help.
(U) I have been married over 20 years. My mistakes have been huge. I have tried too hard, I have gotten angry, depressed, disregarding, disrespectful… at varying times. The dynamics with my husband and I have affected one of our kids horribly. I kept thinking in the earlier days that it was mostly me. My husband still thinks it is mostly me.
We are now separated. There had been no arguing or anything. He just suddenly decided he was done.
While I have been clear about my part in screwing up the marriage, he cannot bring himself to see his part. And now I know in hindsight, he is not as deaf as he appears. He is incredibly sensitive, and I tromped on him. He lacks in courage to express himself, to reach out, and to admit when he is wrong.
So here I am, older, and alone, and it did occur to me more than 15 years ago to be done or insist on major marriage counseling. I should have done that.
Both of us are to blame. Now the bottom line is forgiveness. And, if he changes his mind, which I doubt, and wants to reconsider, now I am beginning to understand I cannot do this unless he can say "I am sorry" on occasion, can express a little more emotion, can express sadness, anger… all those things that make us fully human. I sometimes treated him badly, and I scarred him. He scarred me with his indifference. He sometimes made me feel like a zero.
If you are married to someone like my husband, get to counseling. If you are dating someone like my husband, get to counseling, or leave. These kind of people are the most resistant to change. And without meaning to be, they are deeply hurtful, and also feeling hurt themselves, since they cannot express much. They seem so strong, but they are just keeping it all in, and one day, at the worst possible time, they will in some manner explode. Starting Over and Too Old to be doing it…
(UNITED STATES) I have been married going on three years and I was this emotionally distant husband, not wanting to admit my emotional issues. My wife says she has felt abandoned emotionally from me for over a year and just "burnt-out" and wants a separation and possibly a divorce. I have focused all my energy on my faith and it is getting me through this hard time, but I never realized how much my relationship with God was in trouble as well.
I feel so close to God now and have made that commitment to be the spiritual leader of my family but now my wife is not willing to work on the relationship. She feels that she has invested all she can and she just cannot put out anymore. She wanted counseling during the years but I never would go. She would tell me plain and simple the issues. I would change for a week or two and she would not give back and I would give up, so now she just thinks I will give in and she is not willing to put her heart in harms way again. This has been going on over four months now and about two and half months I have totally transformed into a loving, caring mate but she is not excepting anything.
I have always been a good father to our son and provided a home, no infidelity, no abuse, no alcoholism, but I knew there was another level to our marriage that I was dying to reach, I just didn’t know how. I felt it was always something she was doing but when she was ready to walk out the door I looked at myself and the way I detached from her emotionally.
My mother battled cancer for two years of our marriage and eventually passed two years ago when I was 26 and I now I probably got used to taking emotionally from my wife and didn’t take care of the things she needed to talk about then. I soon realized I was the one that needed to work on things but it’s been so hard with absolutely no affirmation of it on her part.
I now read many books, I am going to a marriage counselor every week, I read countless articles and blogs on marriage and what women want emotionally, I have talked with our pastor, called upon Christian friends who have experienced the same thing, and most importantly I truly seek God’s word and what he expects of us as followers and in marriage. I have truly changed into a loving, devoted husband but she is not excepting it and seems she is only becoming more and more distant.
The more and more I learn, the easier this problem seems to fix and it only takes a small effort. But she feels this is just un-fixable and will never be able to be worked out or have the scars healed. But just having the understanding of knowing what each other’s intentions were through those times is totally opposite of what I thought her intentions were then. I know I have hurt her emotionally and don’t expect this to change over night but it seems the more and more close I come to her emotionally and closer to God, the further she goes.
She wants to get separated thinking it will be better, but doesn’t know if she wants to get back with me. So I feel she’s not going to work on anything during the separation and it will only make her more distant followed by then divorce. What do I do?
I pray and pray. I try to talk to her about God or going to church but she will not hear anything only being defensive. I think she feels God has let her down and that God would not want her to be this unhappy. I know this is not true. God wants her to live by her actions and not solely by her feelings but she doesn’t believe this. She feels that the reasons I treated her like this for so long is that I didn’t truly love her but I did.
And when I tell her why, after learning of problems like in this article, the reasons I treated her like I did, are only excuses. I read articles like this one and only learn more about myself. I have a new found knowledge on how to connect emotionally my wife on even a deeper level and that is what I have done. I feel so great and see the future brighter than she probably even imagined. If she could just read one article I think she might think we are not the only marriage in the world that has gone through this.
I try to tell her most men are like this and I feel good that I have worked this out so young and into our marriage. Does anyone have any advice?
I thank you so much for information like this. It has helped me grow into a "real man" for my marriage. This is the first time I have written a comment but I just say thanks again, after researching all the information out there on marriages it is really not that hard to do what you should, once you read. I read articles and say that’s how I feel exactly and never knew it, or knew why I acted like that or why my wife would react the way she does, so just understanding a few simple emotional details about how men and women think are pretty simple but vital to any relationship.
I ask for all the prayers I can get, I love my wife and cherish her so deeply. Thanks for any prayers or replies.
I’d like to point out a couple of books that have truly transformed my way of thinking and opened my eyes to the almost obvious. One is “How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking” and this book explains how talking about things are not as important as one may think, but making that connection with your spouse is vital. The second, is a book titled “The Walk Out Woman.” I think it is geared toward women but it explains how women’s emotions work, what starts and stops those processes and one topic that puzzled my mind and my wife’s mind was “why men don’t changed until she is walking out the door.” I highly recommend both of them, especially the second one. I hope this helps someone who is at the bottom but is willing to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work, I feel your pain.
(USA) Uri, you have explained your plight so well. How I wish every emotionally distant husband would read what you wrote… and yet many of them wouldn’t listen. And how I wish every wife who is SO disgruntled and feels hopeless, would just open a corner of their heart one last time for husbands like you.
But it’s kind of like what is described in the article “Why Some Spouses Give Up” (which is in the “Save My Marriage” section). Their strength gives way JUST BEFORE the rescue comes.
All I can say Uri, is to keep on the learning path you are going. Learn all you can, love your wife, pray for her, and hopefully she will see and appreciate the change in you over time. I sense that you really “get it” as far as your role in marriage. Keep strong in your relationship with God and don’t give up NO MATTER WHAT!
And if you can shout this message from the housetops to other men to wake them up before it appears to be too late for them, ask God to show you how and where you can go to do so. You might participate with God in saving at least one marriage (and prayerfully, yours as well).
This is the mission we are on as well. We came so close to quitting in our marriage many times. But thank God we woke up when we did. That is why we are so passionate to be a sounding board and a learning center to help people wake up and put the heart of Christ back into their marriages… to reveal the heart of Christ to a world that so desperately needs his saving grace.
God bless you Uri. If you learn anything else that you can pass along, please do so. We appreciate your heart and learning what God is teaching you.
One last thing though, just make sure that you guard your heart. You want to apply these principles so much now, and since your wife is cold at this point, you may be vulnerable to another deception by the enemy of our faith — Keep true to God and to your wife no matter what or who comes your way. The Marriage Message we will be sending out this week would be good for you to read. Blessings!
(USA) Hi all, I stumbled upon this article as I was searching for a way to understand my situation with my fiance. We have been good friends for over six years and dating for over a year. We are getting married at the end of May (less than 2 months away) and recently moved in together.
I have always noticed something distant in him but just wrote it up to him being "laid back". I have always liked his laid back attitude and praised him for it. Now that we are at a point where we should be getting closer, I am noticing more that his laid back attitude is nothing more than him being emotionally distant. I kind of had an inkling that this was the case but this article really opened my eyes. I seriously got chills as I was reading.
I know that my fiance loves me even though I can be very harsh at times but I don’t think that he has any idea of how to communicate with me and I think he is very afraid of me when I very much need him to be a dominant male figure in my life (since I no longer have my father around). I try to discuss my feelings with him but I feel like he disregards anything that I say as nagging at him. He can’t seem to overlook my tone and realize that I am crying out to him for attention.
I have never been a very needy person but I am feeling very lonely and in need of more. Since I don’t live with my mother and father anymore, it has been a very drastic change for me. I am used to coming home to someone who will sit and chat with me for an hour or who actually cares what I did during the day. He always asks, how was your day? But when I begin telling him he floats off into another room or somehow brings the conversation back to something that happened to him that day.
He will say something like, "yeah, that sucks. Well guess what happened to me today!" And I am left feeling very unappreciated and empty. These emotions only become heightened when I get home and he is sitting there playing Xbox or playing on the computer and nothing has been picked up, or even looked over; he hasn’t even turned any lights on and he has been there for 30 minutes!! He just DOES NOT CARE!
It is his world and he is the only one living in it. I am just this person who is expected to cook him dinner, wash his dirty underwear and keep him sexually pleased. I know I said that I liked old fashioned ways but this is crazy! I never expected it to be this way. I give him every opportunity and hint in the world for what I want, I’ve even TOLD him flat out but he just ignores it.
I should have known that he would be just like his father. A bystander in the family. A non-active member of all relationships. I never wanted this and now I am finding myself panicking! Our wedding is in less than two months and I can’t even imagine calling this man my husband! I love him so much but he is not giving me what I need or want. I am so scared right now. I just need someone to let me know that it will be ok.
(USA) Hi Christie, Please, please, please work on these issues BEFORE you marry, rather than being quiet and assuming things will work out later AFTER marriage. Your fiance may be the nicest “laid back” man there is, but if he isn’t open to working on making sure your emotional needs are met in some way (within reason and to the best of his ability), you will live a very frustrated married life together. Just read the above comments.
There are SO many, who have gone into marriage thinking their spouse would be more responsive to their emotional needs later, only to find out the opposite (and live with BIG regrets for marrying).
NOW is the time to find out, BEFORE MARRIAGE, if the man you want to marry is able to share an emotional partnership with you after your marriage. He may be a wonderful man, but that doesn’t mean that he would be a wonderful marriage partner for YOU.
It would be better to postpone any wedding plans (even if it costs you thousands of dollars to do so) and be better prepared for the marriage later on, or to eventually call off the marriage because you see that it wouldn’t work, than to get married in a few months and deeply regret it later. Trust me, a divorce is much costlier on many levels.
Make it a mission together to make sure that you both know how to address each other’s emotional needs. That will take time and learning some skills. Don’t settle for empty promises or for little quick fixes at this point so the wedding can go on as scheduled. Just as there is “buyers remorse” after some big purchases, there is such a thing as “wedding remorse” in marrying quicker than one should.
This man just may need some type of training (and you as well), and you both may need to work on figuring out how to interact together FOR A LIFETIME, so you both feel your emotional love tank is filled. Or he may just be a self-absorbed person who isn’t socially or emotionally ready or able to commit all it would take to make a marriage a good one. Now is the time to find out. I pray you will, and I’m sure the people who have commented above (plus many more who haven’t written) would second that motion. I care and will be praying.
(USA) My husband told me about two weeks ago, he does not love me anymore. He said he cares for me but does not love me. We have a beautiful five year old together. I am trying to save my marriage but it is like he does not want it to work. What should I do? I love my husband but I can not do it alone. I pray everyday that GOD will lead him back to his family.
(CANADA) Hi Heather, nice to meet you. Sorry for the pain that you’re going thro’. I know how you feel coz my husband did the same thing and said the same words. I’m writing this as an encouragement to tell you God has this. This is the time for you to get down on your knees and ask God to use this situation to build you’re strength, to change you and show you what areas to change.
That’s what God does He’ll use this painful experience to help you grow as a person; then He’ll work on your husband. It’s not gonna be easy but God is there and He knew that you’d go through this. He just wants you to trust Him and grow from this. God restored my marriage and it took a lot on my part to realise what I contributed to our marriage falling apart and it took a lot to listen to God’s truth.
Pray for patience because gal, you’ll need it. You can also buy a journal and write everything and how God is helping you and also you can start a prayer journal for your husband. Read God’s word and meditate on it. God has restored a lot of marriages and He’ll restore yours too…it will just take lots of faith and wisdom and stepping out of the way so that God may work on your husband’s heart. Release your husband to God. You can read James 1:2-7, Psalms 91, Psalms 34:17-18 Matthew11:28-30.
There’s a lot more in God’s word where you can find comfort. Remember too that this is the enemy’s joy to see you’re marriage crumbling so don’t give in to his plans; even when you wanna give up – don’t!
Remember that the devil’s “no” can not match up to God’s “YES.” If you have a close Christian female friend you can talk too and pray with that always helps. Take care and I’ll be praying for you. God bless you.
(US) Hi Heather, I too have been rejected by my husband. He doesn’t tell me he loves me anymore either. It’s so painful. My best advice is to love him unconditionally and keep praying for him. I will keep you in my prayers too.
Visit: encouragingwomen.org / rejoiceministers.org great websites – they encourage me so much – especially the testimonies. Don’t give up-Fellow Stander
(USA) Hi all of my sisters in Christ- I haven’t posted for awhile and am doing so to ask for your prayers. Last week I suffered a stroke and am going to undergo a surgical procedure in the coming weeks. Despite the critical nature of my medical problem and the fact that I almost died, my husband is still distant. Gee, you would think that this experience would have scared him enough to realize that I could be dead any day now. No such luck! Guess he really doesn’t love me after all, despite him saying that he does when asked.
Remember the adage: actions speak louder than words. Maybe he doesn’t have the capacity to deal with crisis and act accordingly. I had my stroke, was paralyzed in the hospital and he did stay with me for the first day, then it was back to work and business as usual the next. He acted like nothing happened and when I arrived home, it was just like nothing happened. Good news is that I was not left with any deficit and maybe that is why he thinks all is okay.
The sad truth is that since I already had a stroke, I am more likely to suffer another one. He just doesn’t get it. I am trying to believe that he is in shock, but really, he is back to his old self. He did sleep with me for two nights when I got home so I wasn’t afraid (the stroke happened in the middle of the night without warning), but after that, he moved back to the guest room. Wow…my self-esteem is really bad right now.
Someday God will judge him for his actions and I can only believe that Jesus loves me and will take care of me despite my husband. I am faithful to the Lord and I believe He will see me through. Please keep me in your prayers. God bless you all.
(KENYA) I am glad I landed on this site. It is so surprising how so many women go through such great challenges yet continue to hang in there. To me it seems like men are hewn from the same rock. Were they created to be that distant? I have experienced a lot of that in my marriage. I have talked about it, complained about it, grumbled, prayed and now am leaving it to God to give me direction on what to do. Let us not lose hope. Let us continue trusting in God. There are times I have told God to fill the void in my life, to embrace me in His bosom, so that I may feel loved… The love of God is unconditional. Let’s keep praying for each other. It has been helpful to me to read all your comments and get an ocean of lessons from all of you…
(USA) Laurie, I read your post and I cried. I feel such empathy for you. My father was very much like your husband in that my mother was sick for a long time. He just was not there for her as he should have been. My sister, who is a non-believer, has never forgiven my father for this and my father was also unfaithful to my mother during her battle with cancer. I also have a memory of sexual abuse from my father, that until recently, I deliberately chose to forget as a child.
I forgive my father because he is my father and the Lord calls us to honor and forgive our parents unconditionally as He does for us, His called. My father has since passed away and we never spoke about his treatment of my mother and his marriage. He left this world knowing I loved him.
I am now married to a wonderful man who was raised in a very undemonstrative home. No one touched anyone affectionately nor mentioned loving each other when he was a child. When I get sick, he is not compassionate with me. He looks at me almost in disgust. I am and always have been a nurturer so it hurts when my husband is not.
From reading and prayer, I think that the way to get through to my husband is leading through example and patience. But, in the meantime, God is my comfort and my soothing peace when my husband falls short. After all, humankind is always failing – we even fail ourselves. But, He never fails us…He is at our side EVERY SECOND. After all, isn’t the Lord’s perfect comfort unequaled by man?
And, I really hesitate to say this because I know you wish no ill will on your husband, but vengeance is the Lord’s. He alone chooses the hour and manner. Nothing happens that doesn’t pass through His hands first.
God bless you, Laurie. I prayed today for the Lord to bless you and your husband in whatever you both may be needing today and always. Sylvia
(USA) Sylvia- Thank you so much for your encouraging and loving words. Especially, thank you for your prayers. The only thing keeping me afloat these days is the knowledge that Jesus loves me despite my husband’s lack of emotion. I can only believe that I am in this empty relationship for a reason, one that will not become clear until we are in paradise. I suppose most people would have walked out of this relationship years ago, but I have hung in there ONLY because of my conviction and love for the Lord.
God is my husband and He has surrounded me by so many wonderful other people in my life. I am truly blessed with so many friends, wonderful grown children (whom I am very proud of), and coworkers who are like family. So, I believe that God has brought all of these wonderful people in my life to compensate for the neglect from my husband.
When I had my stroke, the florist truck came to my house constantly!! I laughed, saying that our house looked like a funeral parlor because of all of the flowers! So… if we are faithful, God is true to us and will take care of our needs. Yes, it would be wonderful to feel the “love and affection” from a man, but this life is temporal and what really counts is eternity. Thank you for your prayers.
(USA) THANK YOU! I am not alone! I am not insane! My life has gotten so frustrating and the depression too that last night I thought suicide was a way out! I am married for 5 years (together for 18) to a man who is so unavailable!
We had sex 4 times in the first 2 years and nothing since! I have begged, I have cried, I have threatened! Nothing I say can express how lonely I am! He simply stares at me and refuses to respond. Or he just mumbles that he’ll “prove how much he loves me” and that’s the end of it. I am financially unable to leave and have recently had some medical issues that makes leaving impossible. I have moved into another bedroom and gave my wedding ring back and told him I would not wear it until he decided to commit to this marriage.
I don’t know if I can tolerate sitting beside him in church with all this anger! It feels wrong! Everyone who knows him thinks he is this wonderful person, and in many ways he is. He is always available to other people whether it’s co-workers, his family and friends, anyone but me. I have prayed for an answer. I have prayed for wisdom to deal with it differently.
I know he visits porn sites often and he doesn’t understand why that’s a problem. I have received nothing more than a kiss on the cheek daily for years now. He has started to ignore hygiene unless he’s going out to work. Getting close to him is unpleasant because he actually smells bad and I’m convinced that he does this on purpose to keep me away since I have pointed it out and he does nothing. I try to avoid being home when he’s there to avoid confrontation that just makes it worse for me.
I will confess that I purchased a “toy” because I am so frustrated! He found it and literally threw it in my face and said” I guess you’re not so high and mighty either.” I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse. It took me years of therapy to accept my sexuality and have something like a normal life. He has made me feel ashamed and quilty all over again, the way I felt as a child. I feel like this pain will completely destroy me!
My self-esteem is shattered again and I don’t think I have the strength to rebuild it. I also know that feeling this shame, I could never let him touch me again even he wanted to. I am so lost, but so grateful to all of you here for making me realize I’m not alone!
(USA) I am in a bad place (emotionally) in my life right now. I’ve been emotionally abandoned by my husband, years ago; I’ve been trying to hold a marriage together that simply won’t work. He cheated before we got married but yet I still married him. Here we are 8 years later and in the same place because he’s continually cheated the entire time.
I can’t seem to get any conversation from him, not just concerning the cheating, but about our issues in general. He seems to be very insensitive to my hurt and pain. I’ve tried talking to him when it’s just us, without the kids but he won’t even talk then. He just ignores me. The only time he responds is when I ask him “when is he leaving or what will it take for him to leave?” I’m giving up because I can’t do this by myself.
(US) THIS IS REALLY GOOD ADVICE AND A LOT OF THINGS DISCUSSED IS RIGHT ON THE MONEY. I’VE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND SINCE I WAS 13 (NOW AM 25) AND I WAS AFRAID HE WAS MAYBE OUTGROWING ME. HE’S ALWAYS SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH ME TIL JUST RECENTLY AND IT SEEMS NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, HE JUST WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I DON’T BELIEVE AT ALL THAT HE’S UNFAITHFUL, BUT I’VE NEVER FELT SO HURT IN MY LIFE AS I DO NOW.
I GUESS I’M TOO EMOTIONALLY EAGER. ALTHOUGH I’VE NEVER REALLY BEEN THAT WAY TIL NOW. IT SEEMS THAT YOU ARE BETTER OFF TO BE A MAN BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH EMOTIONS. I WILL DO MY SOUL SEARCHING AND SEE WHAT BECOMES OF IT. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I JUST WISH I KNEW WHAT GOES ON IN HIS HEAD.
(USA) I’ve enjoyed reading this article very much. My husband and I have been married almost 10 years and we cycle horribly. Just as things seem to be going good he will start making “friends” with a woman. She is usually a needy woman that latches onto him, and he seems to enjoy that a great deal. Often the relationship leads to flirting and excessive texting and calling. 2 times that I know of it has led to him starting down the road to an affair (kissing, dinner, etc).
In summer of 2007 my husband was activated to the Guard and deployed. For a while we actually became closer than we ever have. Constant emails, phone calls, we were talking to each other more than we probably would when we lived in the same house.
In November 2008, our world came crumbling down
On November 20th our 3 year old son was life-flighted from his daycare after having a seizure and becoming unresponsive. For hours they worked on him, finally getting him to wake up and giving me the devastating news that he had a brain tumor.
My husband rushed home from overseas and we began to battle. My husband never wanted to be too involved in the treatment process. He would often just say “you’re doing it, I trust you”. But our relationship became non-existent as I stayed at the hospital for days, then would switch with him so I could have at least 1 day home with our other 3 children each week.
Then in April of 09 our son, Armstrong, had a seizure right in front of both of us. We saw him take his last breath. It was shocking to both of us since we had just finished surgeries and radiation and were set for a long road of chemotherapy, etc.
Armstrong’s death was sudden, yet not unexpected. As he was diagnosed with a brain tumor that was quickly regrowing every time it was taken out and was taking up most of his left hemisphere.
My husband has never been able to handle his emotions well. Often in the past when I have been in the midst of great emotional turmoil he basically just checks out. At the birth of our children. I was often in great pain afterward and he would act as if I was a burden to him. He would often start talking to women during that time.
On the night we had our son’s funeral. My husband was there for me during the service. Then as the people left he began what has now been a 3 month journey to a social networking site. He set up his profile. Began talking to people who genuinely cared about our family. And that first night sat at his computer for hours and hours. When I asked him to help tuck the kids in it was like he snapped. Screaming swear words at me and saying he would just get a divorce if I didn’t like him spending so much time talking to his “friends”.
It has been a rough 3 months emotionally for both of us. One of my husbands “friends” has also lost her son to cancer recently. She is extremely depressed and has a husband who is on the road as a truck driver. He has been there to support her, often talking to her for hours at a time, sending her hundreds of text messages a day.
When I came upon a short last few messages from them on the computer I was shocked. He had given her a sentence for sentence recount of a recent argument we had. And she was saying how horrible I was and she didn’t feel comfortable coming to visit us (I have since told her she wasn’t allowed to visit us). But I was shocked that my husband even participated in the conversation with her. He never said anything bad about me, but didn’t defend me or stop her from saying horrible things. In fact, later that day I had asked our pastor to come visit because my husband had gotten so upset I found that conversation he was threatening to leave. He even said to our pastor he was 95% sure he didn’t want to be part of this marriage.
Yet 1 day later, he appeared to have calmed down. He was walking with us at the fair and seems perfectly content in our marriage.
I have been asking him to see a doctor about some depression medicine since he has been so irritable at everyone. And he is finally agreed to that.
But overall I just can’t see how we can ever get happiness if he is spending so much of his energy trying to make other people happy and so little on his family. One day I heard him actually bragging that he sent/received over 6,000 text messages last month. Even at a few seconds each…that is over 20 hours of time a month!
Our children as well as myself would love to just have 1 hour a week where he actually tried to concentrate on our family.
Thanks for your input. This situation has been bothering me more and more lately.
(USA) Lindsay, I read your post and it broke my heart. I am so very sorry that you lost your little boy, Armstrong. Rest assured that he is resting in the arms of Jesus and is happy and at peace. You and your husband just need to deal with the grief now. It is hard work. I lost my little girl 24 years ago and I still feel the pain. But I do know that she is safe in Heaven and is waiting for me.
I will tell you that many of my marital problems, such as my husband being distant, began after her death. So many terrible things happen to a couple when they lose a child. Nothing is ever the same. However, you can choose to let this terrible, dark time in your life to eat you away and continue to cause destruction (exactly what Satan wants), or you can choose to accept that the Lord can, and will, bring good out of this very bad event in your life (Romans 8:28).
The Lord led me to that verse when my daughter died and we have it engraved on her tombstone. I believe that we have to make a conscious decision to forge ahead and do God’s will for us in this life… once finished, your dear son will be there in paradise waiting for you. Death no longer has its sting for you. When you pass, you will have peace knowing you will be reunited with Armstrong. This is exactly how I feel and what has kept me sane all these past 24 years. May God bless you and keep you during this very difficult time. I will pray for you.
(ZIMBABWE) Please allow moments of prayer in your lifetime and allow God to heal the wounds and bind the broken heart in your family – for with God all things are possible, if you only believe. God bless
(INDIA) I so much agree with all that has been shared on this website…yet I feel that every relationship is somewhat the same and a bit different from the others… so is the case with my story. My husband is very loving but I fail to see any respect in his eyes for me.
In the relationship I am always to give way for his needs and demands although I feel that emotionally, monetarily, or physically my demands are not being met. I am a well educated, financially independent women andIi am expecting equal say in our relationship… I fail to understand why that is wrong.
It has been 5 years into our marriage and we still are not comfortable discussing financial issues. I can’t share any unpleasant issues regarding his family with him for the fear of being mistaken. He doesn’t share his day to day life, worries, or happiness with me at all. It seems like his friends and parents know more about his life than I do. Because his priorities are always his parents and family first then why am I expected to make him as my No. 1 priority? Lately we have stopped communicating to each other and limit ourselves to the bare hi-hello communication. I feel suffocated and do not know which way to go!!! Please help…
(USA) Shuci. I really want to be of some help. I know what it means not to be able to have a say or participate in the very important issues like financial issues. It’s hard to watch things with serious consequences happening and you can’t stop them or give an opinion that will be heard. That’s one of the many ways the devil is destroying marriages because spouses live independently of each other.
I don’t know how much you follow biblical principles but I would encourage you to apply them because they have really helped me. Think about the following points/suggestions. I am assuming you want to save the marriage and I believe men can change (Do you remember the Bible verse that says spouses can save each other to God because of their patience and prayer?)
1. Wives are to submit to their husbands even if it feels unfair etc-leave the consequences to God. (Men respond very well to submissive behaviour. With time he will give you the recognition you deserve.)
2. Do not give an impression that you can do without your husband. Men are the natural providers according to God and they like to feel that way. Give him that position in the home and make him feel appreciated and honored regardless of how much you can support yourself.
3. Try to get involved in the affairs between your husband and his family. This means participating and being supportive in things that you probably don’t agree with. Right now he may be thinking you don’t like his family at all. Turn the situation around by showing a little bit of interest. With time he will value your views.
4. Because the husband is the heard, he wants to have the final say in decision making. Give him that position and he will know you respect him. That’s all he wants to know. He will value you more after realizing your change of behaviour
5. Give your time to the Word of God in the meantime. This will give you peace and joy whilst God works with your husband.
6. Look ahead, focus on the promises of God. Don’t take any notice or be offended at the wrong things that are happening now. They will be done away with.
I will write you more about the communication problem if you have found this to be helpful… Believe me, the path to joy seem
(US) Shuci, I know that suffocating feeling as well. It seems at times to be absolutely unbearable. Come to the conclusion that they will never change. Please, please, learn to take care of yourself. It’s been a long journey for me, but I’m starting to actually “get it” now.
(FIJI) Hi Everyone, I feel I am too young to join in the discussion but I need your help and support as you are like my mothers and sisters who have already been through such things. You have gained experience throughout years and therefore would be able to shed some light on my situation. I am just 21 years but I have been married for 2 1/2 years now. I had some problems with my in laws. They were ill treating me, and my husband would not stand up for me or defend me.
Recently he started to spend more time with his family than me and would not listen to my emotional needs. I needed him as a support as I had no one to turn to in that house other than him. Everyone was against me but he never reacted. It’s just been a week since I moved back in with my parents and we are praying really hard for my husband so that God speaks to him and changes his heart and that he may realise that God’s word says “for this reason a man shall leave his father and mothet and be united to his wife.” But my husband says he would rather leave me than his parents.
I don’t mean to be selfish. I even told him that we could rent some where and I would look after his needs and pay the rent while he could entirely support his family. I told him he could visit them whenever he wants to and spend all he earns to satisfy them but I just want him to be with me and I want our marriage to live on.
He said at first that he would think about it and let me know but now after 3 days of this discussion, I feel he is avoiding me. He would not answer my calls and says that I am disturbing him. I am so hurt by this behaviour and so confused since all this is happening so suddenly. This is not only affecting me physically and mentally but also our church work as we are the youth presidents of our church.
I know God will speak to his heart and will change him and very soon he will come back to me “for what God has joined together no man shall separate ” but this period of waiting is killing me. I sometimes think, why God is taking so long? But I know that his time is the best for me, so while I wait for God to do a miracle in my life and turn situations around by changing my husbands heart, can anyone please tell me the reason why he is silent?
He does not want to talk to me? Why is he avoiding me? I need answers to this for physical support and emotional strength. My spirit is strong and I am confident that My God will not let me down. But satan tries in many ways to over power and dishearten me so this is where your support and ideas would be an encouragement for me to face the devil and attain victory.
Love and blessings, RD
(USA) Hi Ranjeshni, The first years of marriage can either be very good or not because of the realities brought by the extended families & other ties that undermine the importance of your marriage. Like you say, the ideal thing would be for your husband to focus on the new family first and foremost and then extend his assistance to the extended family not at the expense of you and your children.
Unfortunately, the world is not like that and the only thing we can change is how we react to these common problems. I have been through experiences similar to yours and I must say it’s an ongoing struggle but you don’t have to fight it alone. God will do it the “righteous way”. If not properly dealt with, it will cause you and your husband:
1. to be independent of each other,
2. to be partial with respect to his & your side of the family
3. to be secretive about dealings with family
4. Unfruitfulness in finances because you don’t agree and plan togeher
5. Your husband will despise your family and you his, openly
6. Big decision making without each other’s consent
*Over the years, one may buy houses without the other even knowing. At that point a divorce would be likely. Though you’d live in the same house, you’d be separated in the important things; and a divided house cannot stand.
So what does the Bible say: a wise woman builds her house but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands?
The first thing is to acknowledge that there is a big problem that only God can solve. I want my marriage to be saved so I pray and do not compromise the word of God. This way I am paving the way for God to work his miracle, the righteous way. We obey his word & believe that his instruction will lead us to victory.
The second thing I did was to put myself in his shoes. I acknowledge the following:
1. He loves his family very much and he has been with them more time than he has with me. So the ties are strong and I have to “handle them with care”.
2.Criticising his family causes him to be defensive and it actually drives him further away. The more I do this or any attempt to alienate his family, I become the “enemy” to his family (him included).
3. Depending on individuals, it may take a while before he realises that I am his new family and we are stuck on each other.
4.During the early years, if he is asked to choose between me and his family, he would choose his family (I confess I would probably do the same with my family for the same reasons).
The list goes on….
This is more likely early in marriage, before we have shared enough experiences that really bond us into a family (which he will value and make his first priority). It’s a time thing and can be shortened by how we respond to problems and our attempts to “build” the marriage with God as our guide and head.
So what do we do:
1. Pray incessantly for Godly internvention for you to survive the problems associated with the early years.
2. Don’t stay in disagreement, learn to compromise and be united in everything. That way the devil won’t have any room to separate you. Make mistakes together and come out of them together (win together and lose together-that makes you grow closer). Don’t say “I told you so”, he is the head and should not feel like a failure.
3. Acknowledge his headship by respecting him and making him the final decision maker.
4. Be on his side and try to rebuild that trust and bond again. Gradually he won’t see you as trying to steal him away from his family.
5. Don’t criticise his family; it’s a sensitive issue. Talk to God about such problems.
6. Try to be involved in the dealings between him and his family (Be supportive even when you don’t always agree -he will learn from his mistakes).
Now that you are separated, I suggest you work towards a reconcilliation so that you will go and and face the problems together. Though the separation may give him a wake up call, there is no guarantee. And you don’t know what his family is telling him now. I think the best thing is to pray to be reunited and for God to work the problem in a peaceful way without you having to separate and attract unwanted attention.
If &/or when you go back, let God take care of your emotional needs by spending time in the Word. This will make you focus on good thoughts and will turn the circumstances around. Don’t take any notice of offence, remember God is watching and he will relieve you soon.
I understand you want to live in your own house soon, but take it one step at a time (whatever keeps you united is the way forward). Don’t leave that house without him. It may be years before you reunite again if at all. Do it together and he will come back to his senses as you pray about it. Hope you find this helpful.
(FIJI) Thanks for your kind support Lo. I am really very encouraged and blessed. God is good and he has already begun to show his miracles in my life. I was fasting and praying all day yesterday and I tell you it really touches God’s heart when his children faithfully commit their lives and odd situations into his hands. A pastor just called me after speaking to my husband and advised that all my husband needed was a bit of counseling as he was too confused to think what he should do next.
He agreed to live with me and upon asking he said he still loved me. I feel like crying… God is a miracle working God. I claimed my husband yesterday in Jesus’ name and spoke to God by quoting all the Bible verses where he said he will fulfill all our heart desires, and today… I can see God’s hand at work in my life. Although I have just received only this message BUT no action yet, I strongly believe that God has already started to turn things around for me… and I also believe that if God can do it for me he can do it for anyone!! Thanks for you prayers for my life.
(USA) Dear Ranjeshni, Lo gave you some very good advice (that I agree with almost entirely), but I have a few additional points I’d like for you to prayerfully consider.
The first is to realize that you are not “too young to join in the discussion” on this web site or any other. You are married, and that means you are dealing with issues that takes a leaning towards maturity. Please feel free to share that which you are learning. I’m sure we will all benefit greatly.
As to what you are going through in your marriage, I have to say that my heart goes out to you. This has got to be very confusing and disheartening. Your husband is supposed to be married to you — not his family. We have a whole section of our web site titled “Dealing with Parents” that you (and if possible, your husband) should read through (if you haven’t already) to get a Biblical perspective on this issue.
I especially recommend it because you said that you are “presidents” of the youth of your church. It’s ESPECIALLY important for you to work through your marriage issues in a biblical manner. You have an influence on these young minds. Marriage is near and dear to God’s heart. It is pointed throughout the Bible that marriage is a living example of God’s love for the church (with Christ as the Bridegroom and the church as His bride). So it’s important that you live out your married lives as a living testimony of God’s love working through your relationship to each other.
Also know that because you have a visible position in the church, the enemy of our faith has put an invisible bulls eye on your marriage to try to take it down. If your marriage fails, others will be influenced by it. We’re told in 1 Peter 5:8-9 to be on the “alert” and to “resist” because as a lion, the enemy is waiting to “devour” us. He wants to hurt God’s heart and His Kingdom work as well.
If your husband won’t talk to you and deal with this matter for any other reason, he should at least be open to talking to you and treating you in an Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 manner, because of his position as a biblical leader in your church.
It seems as if your husband wants the POSITION of being a husband and a “president” of your youth, but he doesn’t want to live those positions out in biblical ways. And that just isn’t reality. You shouldn’t commit to that which you won’t strive to do God’s way.
Culturally and emotionally your husband may feel tied to take care of his parents, and that is all well and good. But it isn’t biblical to put them over you in his priorities.
I’ve been reading a book titled “Marriage on the Rock” (with the Rock symbolizing Jesus Christ). The author, Jimmy Evans addresses this very subject. When discussing the Law of Priority from the Bible in Genesis 2:24 which states, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother”, (the verse you referred to in your comment) — he wrote:
“When God designed the marriage covenant, He did so with the intent that this special commitment between a man and a woman would be more important than any other human relationship. That is the reason God commanded man to leave his father and mother when he became a husband.
“Before a person marries, the most important human relationship bond is with his or her parents. So God told man to ‘leave’ his parents in order to properly ‘cleave’ to his wife. The ‘leaving’ does not mean one should abandon or abuse one’s parents in order to honor God’s requirements for marriage. If that was what God meant in Genesis 2:24, then the Word contradicts itself! In the Old and New Testaments, the admonition to honor your father and mother (see Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16; Matthew 15:4; Matthew 19:19) is one of the ten commandments.
“In fact, in Ephesians 6:2, Paul wrote that this commandment is the first one with a promise: ‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth’ (Ephesians 6:3). The word ‘leave’ in Genesis 2:24 is the Hebrew word azab, which literally means ‘to loosen or relinquish.’ So when God said that a man should leave his father and mother when he married, God meant that a man was to relinquish the highest position of commitment and devotion previously given to his parents in order to give that position to his wife.
“God did not mean a man was to stop honoring his parents. That was an admonition to last throughout their lifetimes. However, at the time of his marriage, a man’s parents were to be released into a lower-priority position in his life. His wife hereafter was to come first. It is possible to do that and yet honor and respect [and be supportive of] one’s parents, or God would not have said to do it. Of course, the same instructions apply to the wife.
“To put it simply, God designed marriage to operate as the second most important priority in life, coming next to your personal relationship with Him. If we put marriage in any position of priority other than the one God has instituted, the marriage does not work [as it should].”
I quote all this to say that your husband needs to reconsider his stand on making his parents his first priority over you. It may make sense to him culturally and because he loves them, but it flies against what Jesus told husbands and wives to do. If he doesn’t move on this then you may need to apply the Matthew 18 principle (as shown in Matthew 18:15-17), where you eventually go to your pastor and he and possibly someone else will need to confront him as well (and you will need to resign your position as a leading couple at the church until things change within your husband’s heart and the way he treats you).
Ranjeshni, I don’t say this to bring you down further. I pray you will instead use this time to strengthen yourself in the Lord. As you apply the principles in Philippians 4:4-9 and others, you will work to put your focus on that which will bring peace. Even in the eye of the storm, there is peace — especially when you focus on all God CAN do and will do, despite the chaos around you.
Some verses that have helped me in turbulent times is found in Isaiah 26:3-4, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.” He is your Rock. Cling to Him… not all the shifting stuff going on around you. Apply Proverbs 3:5-6 and don’t lean on your own understanding. God IS working… you may not see it, and it may take MUCH longer than you think, and the results may be much different than you think they should be, but trust in His heart that He loves you and will work on your behalf.
One more thing, please don’t make promises you can’t keep with your husband. I love your heart that you told him you are willing to financially and physically support your household so he can use his entire paycheck to support his parents. That’s very generous, but it may not always be possible, as much as you want it to be that way. If you get injured or ill and can only work part time or maybe not at all, or you have children and feel God’s pull to stay home more so you won’t be bringing in enough money to support the household, you won’t be able to keep that promise and then your marriage may be in peril the direction your husband’s mindset is at this time.
And if you eventually need your husband around more (because of a sick child or whatever), you don’t want to promise your husband that he can just go off and visit his parents whenever he wants to. Again, it’s a promise you may not be able to keep because things have a way of eventually changing and you will need as marital partners to work together for the betterment of all concerned — not allowing his mother and father to be his top priority.
If BOTH of you, after praying about it, decide it is God’s will that while it’s possible a certain amount can go to help his family, and as long as things don’t change, that is something that can be done, then that would be fine. But to make the previous promise a precedent when your husband’s priorities aren’t lined up biblically (and he isn’t making sure his family recognizes the biblical way it is supposed to be), then you are building your home upon shifting sand (as pointed out in Matthew 7:24-27). There could be a huge crash eventually.
Keep praying and petitioning God to open your husband’s eyes and heart to HIS way of living out your marriage. Keep praying for wisdom and directing your focus on God and work to strengthen your relationship with Him so that whatever comes your way, you will be able to survive — no matter what, without completely crumbling. I encourage you to do so. Please know that my heart and prayers are with you. May God bless you ABUNDANTLY!!!
(FIJI) Hello Cindy, Thank you so much for you love and support. Those Bible verses were really very helpful and I know it will be a strong foundation for me as I step into future challenges. I really appreciate your advice about not making all those promises to my husband as I won’t be always able to fulfill them. I never thought of it before. Thanks a lot for reminding me to reconsider. This site has been very, very helpful during the past week.
I will encourage my husband and will print this page for him so he can read and understand where you are trying to take him through God’s word and his biblical principles. I know that God is already turning things around for me and no matter how much doubt satan brings in my mind, I will stay firm with my faith in my creator, my bestest best friend, the LORD JESUS CHRIST!! I have learned that when we claim with Bible scriptures, how powerful God is. All bondage’s start to break, a new light begins to shine, and peace fills our heart.
Thank you for praying for me. I will be needing more prayers from you all, that God will keep on blessing me and making me a witness to all who are going through situations like these. God Bless, RD
(JAMAICA) This describes the exact kind of person my husband is and in many ways describes the kind of wife I am. The problem is that I have now lost hope of ever having a healthy relationship. For some reason I can’t help but think that this is all my fault somehow. There is not a thread in my body that believes that my husband loves me anymore or that he cares how I feel at all. I have tred to reason with him and tell him what I want but he just does whatever he pleases.
I have reached the point that I just don’t say no to him anymore regarding sex (although I feel as if I am being violated everytime). I hate sex with a passion but I feel that it is my duty as his wife to have sex with him. I have often times thought about being unfaithful (cause if I am then he would divorce me). But I can’t bring myself to do that. He doesn’t even hug or kiss me unless he wants sex. I spend all my days just praying for death to come.
(US) I am sorry. I understand how you feel. It never fully hit me how important a good childhood is. I came into my marriage with no background of example. My life was emotional and sexual abuse. by the time I was 17, both of my parents died. The man I married came from a home where they did not even eat unless he was home, they would wait. Of course the family he belonged too had a lot of help, not the typical mom and dad who worked and then kids. His father worked, he had 2 grandmother’s taking care of him, a lady who cleaned, and he went to school, and traveled.
I started work before 15. I know none of this is his fault, however the man I married was attentive, sweet, sensitive and kind. We did everything together, he helped with the kids, we had our troubles, I didn’t know what a wife was supposed to do, I didn’t even know how to accept love much less give it. As time passed I have became more and more withdrawn. He says everything I do is wrong. Often he tells people I don’t know how to be a wife, or tells me I don’t know what I am doing. The children see it, and that affects me even more, that I was respected and my children were proud of me, and now I cry often, or repeat what bothers me over and over, somehow I guess, thinking he will get it.
But he just gets more upset and says I push him to the edge. When you are so sad, and you are desperate to lift yourself back up, you seem to be viewed as a jealous, overbearing, and needy wife who constantly needs attention. When really it is not true. To me, if my husband treats another woman extremely well, waits on her and ignores me, or treats me like an employee, performs acts, like singing, or helping her, that he does not do for me, I become angry and feel disrespected. If he allows woman to go over the line, and I say something, he says I am too sensitive or he can’t just be rude. What? he has no problem being rude to me, or disregarding my feelings, so why should a stranger get compassion?
I am praying. I need to start back to work, I will not let my girls grow up and think they have no value, or that there is a double standard. I do not know how to work with a man who feels he is perfect, and if I would only listen to him and do what he says, I would be treated better. He goes away for 10 day periods to see family, and I have no access to money. So if something comes up, I need to call. His family doesn’t know, so they wonder why I am calling, and he embarresses me by saying, “Leave me alone, give me space and time with family.” I am sure they think I am a jealous nut.
He will say I can’t find work to them, but really I was hurt and had to be out. When you need to ask for what you need, not even grocery shop without him, how can your self esteem grow? He complains to his family that after a hard day he has to shop for food. Not really, I would have been happy to if I could pay for it.
Please pray that I understand what is wrong in me, and what I need to fix or change. I cannot change another person or judge them, I only want my husband back.
(JAMAICA) Hi Loretta, I am sorry that you have to been experiencing such horrible ordeals. I am also a survivor of multiple types of abuse including sexual abuse. I know how important it is to feel safe and respected.
I don’t know if your husband will ever change. It is clear that you need to get out and do something to make yourself less reliant on him.
My husband does show more respect to his other friends than he does me and that really hurts. I often think that he is doing this out of fear of what I might actually become. He knows my potential and I do too but for some reason I keep hiding myself from everyone.
I want to raise myself and stand up to him and tell him what a jerk he really is but for some reason i keep feeling pity for him. I feel that if I don’t let him stay in control then I will shatter his world. I know it is pretty weird… but he is intimidated by me and I know that. He is intimidated by my success and that whatever I put my mind to do, I get it done. I think he is this way because he feels that if I see who I am it will make him less valuable to me. I am praying that God gives me wisdom dealing with him. I do have quite a few things to say to him someday.
Perhaps it similar with your hubby. Perhaps he tries to control and keep you down because he knows what a fighter you are. I will be praying with you hon.
(USA) This entire article perfectly described my 20 years with my second husband. I feel very unloved, ignored and disrespected by my husband and ready to leave! I saw the signs before we married but got so caught up in taking care of 5 kids, the house and then relating to friendships to fill a void. While my husband has had emotional affairs, at least to my knowledge, he has not had any sexual flings. I see the open way of his flirting with waitresses and know he has been infatuated with other women while we have sex once every 6 months.
When I go to him which only seems a relief to him more than anything special between us, I feel very frustrated as this is not what I want from marriage. It has been like living with an emotionless brick wall and all the blame for everything gets passed on to me.
(USA) We have had a good marriage. We do have the culture shock, Asian, and American. But, mostly it has been smooth. We have 3 lovely children. As an only boy he has been adored and pampered, I came from a home of abuse. Emotionally he refuses to take responsibility for anything. If he puts me down, or is constantly critical, in private, only if I tell him about it, he will say ok, I got it, I will try to do better. He never makes it right in front of our children though.
Mostly any belittling that he does, is always my fault. When he is out, if I call him and when he will be home, or ask who he is with, his answers are, I don’t know when, does it matter? You don’t know these people, stop questioning me. I can go to the store, and when I pick up, I need to be happy to tell him what street, who is with me, and why? and how long I might be.
Since his attitude is so negative, everyone tries to “not bother” him. If his family calls, (doesn’t speak english) it is ok for them to question him or interrupt anything we are doing. If I say anything, he gets angry and defends them. He doesn’t come to my defense anymore. He says I am not on the level his family is, and I will need to consistently make him feel comfortable, then maybe he can start giving me affection again, or praise me.
Outside the bedroom, there is no affection, he gripes. but once in our room he is all over me. I explain that to me romance starts outside of the bedroom, I do not want to be treated badly, and then be expected to enjoy the private things. I was a woman of assurance but lately I feel needy, always asking him if I am doing better, or if there is something I can do. Why do I want to beg a man to be around me who has changed so much? I love him, so I am broken. Now he only says, I am lucky he is still here.
(USA) Loretta…I do understand what you are saying and I have told my husband the very same as far as what happens in the bedroom starts outside of the bedroom. My husband isn’t all over me but the only interest he shows in me is directed sexually and then when we do something it seems it is more about his release than it is about any kind of intimacy between us which makes me feel like a prostitute so I have gotten to the point where I completely try to avoid anything connected to this part of our lives.
With the inlaws, I have been thru much of the same as well. My husband’s family is all very religious and my husband strayed from the church when he left home to party like a drunken sailor with his military buddies. He only lets his family see what he wants them to see so they have no clue who he really is. My husband can show a nice front and when he is around his friends and his family he does exactly that. At home with me and the kids, he is disconnected and not involved… plugs himself into the computer after work, reads or watches TV and hardly speaks a word unless I ask him a question.
We raised a step family and I could tell that not all of husband’s family had good feelings towards me and my kids and so there was always this tension between the one sister and I but my husband would tell me to just ignore her comments. 15 years into the marriage and after giving his sisters my support with situations they had been thru with their kids, we had a terrible tragedy in our own family which I so needed support and the sisters basically turned their backs to me and my daughters. I separated myself from his family completely because of it and my husband was able to see what happened and in this case gave me the support.
As far as asking if “you” are doing better and feeling subjected to his approval, I personally feel you need to see what is going on with your husband as his baggage and not yours. I would not ask if you are doing better, or if he feels better towards you as I have a feeling this is a way he is controlling you and I don’t think it’s about you at all.
(USA) Hi Loretta, What a hard time you must be going through. I really feel for you and I hope I can be of some help to you. I was in that situation before or should I say I am still there but have worked with myself and changed the way I view things. Now I don’t even see a problem and my husband and I are more in love. God’s ways are righteous and at the end of the problems you both come out better people.
When you are involved with an unbeliever, it can be very difficult or impossible to get some sense into their head. So it’s up to you to set things straight through your reliance on God’s word and prayer. Right now whatever you say to him will be regarded as “criticism” or “nagging” by him. My advice to you will be to stop that for a while and talk to God. I always like to quote the verse about unbeliving husbands being “won without a word”. This has really worked in my marriage.
This is what I did and still do:
1. I absorbed myself in Christian literature like those on this site which talk about the communication differences between men and women. I attribute some of the “problems” I used to have to these differences.
2. I put a stop to verbal fights by letting go of insults made to me, criticisms or general unreasonable behaviour. You don’t have to reply to these things because the offender probably wants just that. So overlook offences- He will stop.
3. I became the initiator of outside intimacy even if he doesn’t respond. For example giving him hugs when he returns home (& before he goes), sitting on the couch with him watching the long football/basketball games with him (holding his hand). He got used to it and has warmed up to it. Now he reciprocates.
4. I focused on new interests, knitting and crotcheting. These hobbies really absorb me, especially in times when he is quiet on his computer or watching the news. Before I know it, he will be the first one to speak and we then have a meaningful chat -not forced. So I have learned to appreciate that he needs time to unwind after work and I give it to him in peace.
5. When he comes home late I wait for him and am happy to see him – no questions asked unless he volunteers. I usually call him and ask “what time do you want your dinner ready?” instead of “What time are you coming home?” Now he is consistently coming early and sometimes asks me to come to his workplace if he is working late.
6. I get into his “world” by taking part in things that interest him like outcomes from his work meetings, sports and I give him updates on the latest news headlines. I actually enjoy these things now and I can say we have developed common interests. So if these things take most of his free time, I will be there with him.
7. With regards to his family, try to avoid complaining about them because he will continue to be defensive. He knows they are wrong at times but for you to say it, may not help but misinterpreted. He will learn his lesson; just put it in prayer.
8. I put my grievances to God in prayer and I know it’s worth the wait. I meditate on the promises of God in the Bible and make them my reality. I therefore do not focus on the wrongs happening around me but on the good that is yet to come.
9. Try to put yourself into submision as necessary. Men respond well to this kind of behavior.
It has not been an easy road but I am warming up to my husband more and realize I actually love this guy and want to see him grow spiritually (whatever time it will take).
Someone might say “why should I be the one to do all the work?” I think you owe it to the whole family to sacrifice and save them if you are the believer in your marriage. It’s better than remaining opinionated at the expense of your marriage. Hope you find this helpful.
(UNITED STATES) Hi, this information was very helpful as I am going through this right now with my husband. I went throught the begging and saying I’m sorry phase and I realize that I have hurt him and I am truly sorry.
I am that eager wife you described… I’m eagar to get things back to normal, but now after reading this I realize why he is behaving “distant” and two days ago I began my jouney to respecting that. He had said he would leave and go to his mother’s house and I could stay there while he sorted things out. I asked him not to at first but then I called him and said I was sorry. I wanted him to be happy and if he wished to go stay at his mom’s house that I would not fight against it. He said okay and that we would talk about it that evening and thank God he didn’t. But I gave him his space.
The next day he left and didn’t say good bye–it hurt but I did not call his cell–and to my surprise he called twice that day to say he called to check on one or all of the children… He came home smiling and communicating with me and the children–so I thought it was safe to take a seat in the living room while he ate dinner and wathced tv… He sat as far as he could from me, ate as fast as he could and then hurried to bed without saying good night and this morning no “good-bye.” It hurt, but I didn’t call him, but he called me to say he’s checking on our son who’s sick and after he asked about him he asked "so how’s everyone else?"
Is he trying to communicate? Should I continue to give him his space?” Because last night I think I went too far by even sitting in the same room with him.
(USA) Hi Loleta, Just before I answer, are you Loretta (the last post was on 2 September) or you are a different person?
(USA) Hi Loleta, Your husband’s telephone calls truly reflect that you have given the room to act. Let him call you at his own pace and do not hurry him or be anxious over it. I think he is slowly trying to come back but he may not say it outright, maybe because of his pride. When he asks about the children answer the best way you can and don’t bring up any “relationship” issues. They may drive him away if he thinks he is getting back to talk. Let that go for now. The real issues will work themselves back into your relatioship peacefully.
With regards to where he says he wants to stay, don’t challenge him. With the way you described it, i don’t think he really means it, he probably just wants a reaction. If he does, it may not be for long. Just keep praying and entertain his efforts with grace and patience.
I like the fact that he is coming home; his heart is still there. Please do the best you can when he comes and put no pressure on him. With each visit he will sit closer and closer to you so don’t be discouraged with what is happening now (It’s just a matter of time as you pray and work with yourself). Let him be in control of what he is doing. I’m sure he wants to feel that. Be hospitable, make cups of tea etc. HE WILL BE BACK.
I think you are doing very well and it shows because he keeps calling. Keep praying and you will be fine. He may not say the right things in words but I think his actions are apologetic.
(USA) In response to the current posts… personally, I keep going back to the beginning of our relationship when my husband did want to sit and talk and get to know me, when he enjoyed helping me in the kitchen and wanted to have fun as a family. When I see my husband flirting with the waitress or know he has gone across the hall at work to chat with the lady in the office I feel he basically is doing the same thing as he did when we first met so I see that he is capable of initiating.
I think it becomes a choice and they find it too much effort just like them satisfying their own sexual needs rather than trying to make a sexual realtionship with their spouses. They want what is easy and without effort and when relationships are new they are not only easy but intense and I think that’s what men like. (Correct me if anyone has a different thought here.)
Lo… I too have read the Christian material, was raised in a Christian home just like my husband was. Reading your post about the things you have tried that have a made a difference, it sounds to me like you have been more willing to bend your life around your husband but is that meeting your needs?
I personally would not want to sit and watch football with my husband. He cusses and has fits over the mistakles his team makes so it is better for me to leave the house all together so I don’t get disgusted by his behavior. I am an active person so bringing out my knitting needles while he reads or spends time on the computer is again not for me. If that works for you, you are getting your needs met in the process and you are happy with the outcome of your actions then it works for you but that approach is not me and I would be sacrificing more than now.
One of the points the literature here pointed out and I have read from other sources is that we, the wives, have to find a life for ourselves that will make us happy in our own independence inside the marriage.
Here’s an example if anyone is getting confused. I have had 4 kids leave home and it was so hard for me to see them leave as my world has always focused around my family, everything I did was about them and very little time was put into what I wanted for myself… I put everyone’s needs first. Now with only one child left at home I have started working with flowers, visiting more with friends, and even had a jewelry party at my house not long ago. I am enjoying life for the interests I have and I don’t look at my children or even my husband to complete me. To seek that sort of attention would be the strangle the relationship. Annette
(USA) Hi Annette, It’s hard what some wives go through because their husbands are putting more interest on other activities and worse enough, other women. Totally nothing to do with the wife’s behaviour or appearance but selfishness from the husband’s part. That is not good.
I totally agree with you when you say we are not to neglect ourselves and base our happiness on our husbands’ behaviour. If that was the case there wouldn’t be any hope for most of us. Your hobby doesn’t have to be knitting, just something you enjoy doing that keeps you focused.
But what do you do after dinner before bedtime (The only time of the day with your emotionally distant spouse), when there is sports on TV that you don’t like and you are not ready to go to bed? Would you just sit and get bored or go too early to bed and can’t sleep? I have been angry before in a long football game because I was not watching it but just sitting there. But if I watch and learn more about it, time moves fast and we actually share in the fun. That is what we want at the end of the day isn’t it? Some form of family time (not the way we want it though, but it’s something that has brought us together). For me, leaving the room meant more time spent apart especially in the football season where there is a 3hr game like everyday (and you can’t stop him from watching it).
I like to work on myself and develop a sympathetic view of things happening around me. I can’t change my husband but with my actions and prayer he will be won without a word. Fighting for my opinions may only cause him to fight for his (if he is a defensive person).
If you don’t develop a peaceful approach, you get affected by his actions everytime and resort to solutions which the emotionally distant husband doesn’t want to participate in. Who is hurt at the end of the day? The eager wife. You lose nothing by coming to your husband’s level and learn what’s going on in his world. I don’t think “making my mind up” about my husband will help but causes me to give up on his potential to change.
I understand you are at a mature stage whereby you know what’s right for you and know what to do when your husband is being unreasonable. The Bible says “Do unto others what you want them to do for you”. One of us has to be willing to compromise if we are to be united again. Who better than the believer in the relationship? This won’t be a permanent way of things but probably the first step in the same direction.
(USA) Where is your outrage about husbands making a power play with respect to their wives? Equal reponsibility for partners’ dysfunction is not appropriate when inordinate power for one (usually the male) is cited, even if the power-play is ostensibly unintentional. It is obvious that your Mission International is a pathetic attempt to recapture male power in the domestic sphere.
(USA) JD, I’m not sure you understood. The article was clear that one is not to own another’s faults. That would include any dysfunction. So how is any of this about recapturing male power? Marriage is not about power, but about loving another person.
The only thing I saw recommended about power was how to preserve your own power as a woman. You see, you give your power away if you take on the problems of another person. So if you try to own their problems, that is power you give away. No man (or woman) can ever take power from you. You have to give it up.
In that sense, someone who feels powerless has to examine his/her own behaviors to see where they gave away their power.
Typically dysfunction is not just in one person, but both persons in the marriage. So the struggle is not over someone taking power from you, but that you are willing to give it away.
And this is not just a behavior engaged in by women. Men give away power too. Many allow their wives to dominate emotionally, where they have the relative power. As the author alluded to, growing the relationship seems to be the goal of the woman. The power we’ve giving away is that it seems the feminine model of relationships is regarded as the superior model.
The man’s way of approaching relationships is being invalidated. Men go along with that, giving away their power. Men are called emotionally distant, and we buy that lie. Men are NOT emotionally distant. They simply express their emotions differently and in different circumstances. If I don’t break down in a weepy mess of tears after watching some romantic “chick flick” that doesn’t prove that I’m emotionally distant. I might start cheering when my team or my child scores a goal, or a touch down or a home run. Look male emotions.
I may not get so excited about a candle lit dinner, but when my wife makes my toes curl, wow, there are intense emotions. If I get angry about something, that too is an emotion. Yet men are cautioned about sharing their emotions. We are told anger is bad, so we buy that lie and hide it, and then after our wives tell us anger is bad, they wonder why we don’t open up.
Hello? We did open up and we were told it wasn’t welcome. So when guys buy that lie, we give away our power. I’m not saying we should be cruel or abusive, or expect things to go our way all the time.
If you want your husband to be emotionally close, then get close to the emotions he does express. There are few if any “Mr Spocks” out there. Guys are emotional. So stop spreading the lie they are not, and start joining in when he is emotional.
If he’s mad, let him be mad. If he’s cheering the kids or his team, then join in, and don’t just call it a “stupid game” Oh, and NEVER tell him he SHOULDN’T feel that way. There is no quicker way to close off that emotional bridge than to tell him that he should not feel what he says he’s feeling.
By doing so sends the message that you don’t care what he’s feeling, you want to control or dictate how and what he SHOULD or SHOULDN’T feel. That doesn’t mean accepting bad behavior. But it does mean validating what he feels and making it emotionally safe for him to share his feelings, even the ugly ones.
(USA) Hi, I have been married to my husband for 20 years now and he and I separated twice and we are currently together again but having the same difficulties again. I believe that he has or is having an affair, but it does not seem to bother me, because I know where it is coming from. I understand that he can’t comunicate with me at this time, and I am going to seek councelling and ask if he wants to go with me. If not, I will seek it alone.
The one fear I have is that once I get the councelling I need and find a job, and I will have to leave and not come back. I have so much love for him and it is the most painful thing I have thought of, but I find that I am so starved for the intimacy that he shared with me 22 years ago, that my healing will be the beginning of the end of my life with him.
I want to be in his life forever, but not this way, and if I have to compromise myself anymore, I may end up leaving. I know he loves me but he has never believed in my love for him. The above article has been very cleansing and I found that it has put all that I have been feeling into perspective. My heart breaks because he has and will be the only love for me, but I can’t seem to reach him. It is like he died or checked out and I have lived with it for years and it has affected my spirit for life.
I don’t even think that my children know what I was like before I met him. In fact, it has crossed my mind that he has misrepresented me to our children and his mother, and they are thinking that I am creating trouble where there is none. He has indicated some things to me as if it were the thoughts of others, but I believe it was his way of telling me that it was his thoughts. He is beginning to admit some of the things that I have discussed with him in the past and he has denied and arguments ensue.
I have come to the realization, that I only want to live the rest of my days in peace, so I will seek whatever means necessary to accomplish this. I pray to the Lord daily to help us to find each other again. I am willing and ready to change what I can that are issues for him if it will help us. I love him with all of my heart and soul; however, wherever this may lead us, back to each other or perhaps other options, I can only hope to become one with him some day before I die. I want to know what true love feels like, and we have never really had that yet between us. I only want that with him because I feel that we have worked so hard for so long to figure it all out. I want true love to be our reward for having stayed together and seeing it through. He is a wonderful human being that has the right to know what being free really feels like. I am a good person who deserves to have total peace and love the way I have always dreamed.
God speed. Thanks for letting me express myself, I need to do that every day. In God’s name. Please help us, Laura
(PHILIPPINES) My emotionally distant spouse finally bid goodbye due to some reason of culture differences. We used to work on culture issues before but now he’s blaming me. I feels so sad and devastated when someone who promised to love you forever is the one who’s pushing you away and advised to move-on with our lives.
My spirit was totally crushed and I don’t know what to do anymore. I have prayed hard and fasted but it seemed like it got worse. Often times he’s blaming me for our marriage which hurt me the most. I feel really guilty and he made my self esteem low. Why are some spouses are happy while others have to suffer from misery and devastation? I am really depressed and I wanted to feel anger but I don’t know what to feel anymore. I have faith in God and trusted Him with my marriage to restore but in times like this I am really wondering if God listens to our prayers and why He called us to be married with this kind of a spouse? God bless us all.