Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening?
Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice?
Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations (i.e. making few demands), you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses that, if left unattended, can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety, and the like stemming from their marriage. Since these issues are usually played out in the home, I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the single most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship progresses, or rather, fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment and futility become entrenched, and faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed, and their husbands fail to supply that need. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men, unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs, perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. At least at an unexpected level, they are begging for someone to show them a better way to relate to their wives. In these cases, the potential for counseling success is very strong. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating, but she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit; if he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can, frankly, be emotionally abusive.
It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions and would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem; therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore; so what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane.
He then—and this is a key—begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion, a distraction—in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, to get rid of them, for he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions or even, to some extent, downplaying them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious; she certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level that she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful: the silent treatment, pretended agreement, constant forgetfulness, procrastination, laziness, temper outbursts, work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment, to prevent the boat from rocking, you see, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying, persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays. If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists, and the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. He avoids commitment and personal accountability. A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability, and that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of, so he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance—exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden; the wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied (in other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice). The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship, for a thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused. With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear, and that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down, so he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics; it must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs—a stable leader—for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance. Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two.something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync. Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing, something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands but are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time, but she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction: an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal. Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth.
Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books, enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars. They invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life and why they need to make the needed adjustments. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change. Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior—reacting instead of pro-acting—this woman eventually loses heart as she realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized. Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience, and the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves, protesting or cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized. “When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?”
In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
In short, to improve your own satisfaction and happiness, a major step is to put your own house in order. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. And even if you do not experience the adjustments in your mate that you have hoped for, you will still be a more stable and content individual. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
The above edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner Preview or purchase this book now.
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you want to read this book along with your spouse (if he desires to do so) Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
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(JAMAICA) This describes the exact kind of person my husband is and in many ways describes the kind of wife I am. The problem is that I have now lost hope of ever having a healthy relationship. For some reason I can’t help but think that this is all my fault somehow. There is not a thread in my body that believes that my husband loves me anymore or that he cares how I feel at all. I have tred to reason with him and tell him what I want but he just does whatever he pleases.
I have reached the point that I just don’t say no to him anymore regarding sex (although I feel as if I am being violated everytime). I hate sex with a passion but I feel that it is my duty as his wife to have sex with him. I have often times thought about being unfaithful (cause if I am then he would divorce me). But I can’t bring myself to do that. He doesn’t even hug or kiss me unless he wants sex. I spend all my days just praying for death to come.
(US) I am sorry. I understand how you feel. It never fully hit me how important a good childhood is. I came into my marriage with no background of example. My life was emotional and sexual abuse. by the time I was 17, both of my parents died. The man I married came from a home where they did not even eat unless he was home, they would wait. Of course the family he belonged too had a lot of help, not the typical mom and dad who worked and then kids. His father worked, he had 2 grandmother’s taking care of him, a lady who cleaned, and he went to school, and traveled.
I started work before 15. I know none of this is his fault, however the man I married was attentive, sweet, sensitive and kind. We did everything together, he helped with the kids, we had our troubles, I didn’t know what a wife was supposed to do, I didn’t even know how to accept love much less give it. As time passed I have became more and more withdrawn. He says everything I do is wrong. Often he tells people I don’t know how to be a wife, or tells me I don’t know what I am doing. The children see it, and that affects me even more, that I was respected and my children were proud of me, and now I cry often, or repeat what bothers me over and over, somehow I guess, thinking he will get it.
But he just gets more upset and says I push him to the edge. When you are so sad, and you are desperate to lift yourself back up, you seem to be viewed as a jealous, overbearing, and needy wife who constantly needs attention. When really it is not true. To me, if my husband treats another woman extremely well, waits on her and ignores me, or treats me like an employee, performs acts, like singing, or helping her, that he does not do for me, I become angry and feel disrespected. If he allows woman to go over the line, and I say something, he says I am too sensitive or he can’t just be rude. What? he has no problem being rude to me, or disregarding my feelings, so why should a stranger get compassion?
I am praying. I need to start back to work, I will not let my girls grow up and think they have no value, or that there is a double standard. I do not know how to work with a man who feels he is perfect, and if I would only listen to him and do what he says, I would be treated better. He goes away for 10 day periods to see family, and I have no access to money. So if something comes up, I need to call. His family doesn’t know, so they wonder why I am calling, and he embarresses me by saying, “Leave me alone, give me space and time with family.” I am sure they think I am a jealous nut.
He will say I can’t find work to them, but really I was hurt and had to be out. When you need to ask for what you need, not even grocery shop without him, how can your self esteem grow? He complains to his family that after a hard day he has to shop for food. Not really, I would have been happy to if I could pay for it.
Please pray that I understand what is wrong in me, and what I need to fix or change. I cannot change another person or judge them, I only want my husband back.
(JAMAICA) Hi Loretta, I am sorry that you have to been experiencing such horrible ordeals. I am also a survivor of multiple types of abuse including sexual abuse. I know how important it is to feel safe and respected.
I don’t know if your husband will ever change. It is clear that you need to get out and do something to make yourself less reliant on him.
My husband does show more respect to his other friends than he does me and that really hurts. I often think that he is doing this out of fear of what I might actually become. He knows my potential and I do too but for some reason I keep hiding myself from everyone.
I want to raise myself and stand up to him and tell him what a jerk he really is but for some reason i keep feeling pity for him. I feel that if I don’t let him stay in control then I will shatter his world. I know it is pretty weird… but he is intimidated by me and I know that. He is intimidated by my success and that whatever I put my mind to do, I get it done. I think he is this way because he feels that if I see who I am it will make him less valuable to me. I am praying that God gives me wisdom dealing with him. I do have quite a few things to say to him someday.
Perhaps it similar with your hubby. Perhaps he tries to control and keep you down because he knows what a fighter you are. I will be praying with you hon.
(USA) This entire article perfectly described my 20 years with my second husband. I feel very unloved, ignored and disrespected by my husband and ready to leave! I saw the signs before we married but got so caught up in taking care of 5 kids, the house and then relating to friendships to fill a void. While my husband has had emotional affairs, at least to my knowledge, he has not had any sexual flings. I see the open way of his flirting with waitresses and know he has been infatuated with other women while we have sex once every 6 months.
When I go to him which only seems a relief to him more than anything special between us, I feel very frustrated as this is not what I want from marriage. It has been like living with an emotionless brick wall and all the blame for everything gets passed on to me.
(USA) We have had a good marriage. We do have the culture shock, Asian, and American. But, mostly it has been smooth. We have 3 lovely children. As an only boy he has been adored and pampered, I came from a home of abuse. Emotionally he refuses to take responsibility for anything. If he puts me down, or is constantly critical, in private, only if I tell him about it, he will say ok, I got it, I will try to do better. He never makes it right in front of our children though.
Mostly any belittling that he does, is always my fault. When he is out, if I call him and when he will be home, or ask who he is with, his answers are, I don’t know when, does it matter? You don’t know these people, stop questioning me. I can go to the store, and when I pick up, I need to be happy to tell him what street, who is with me, and why? and how long I might be.
Since his attitude is so negative, everyone tries to “not bother” him. If his family calls, (doesn’t speak english) it is ok for them to question him or interrupt anything we are doing. If I say anything, he gets angry and defends them. He doesn’t come to my defense anymore. He says I am not on the level his family is, and I will need to consistently make him feel comfortable, then maybe he can start giving me affection again, or praise me.
Outside the bedroom, there is no affection, he gripes. but once in our room he is all over me. I explain that to me romance starts outside of the bedroom, I do not want to be treated badly, and then be expected to enjoy the private things. I was a woman of assurance but lately I feel needy, always asking him if I am doing better, or if there is something I can do. Why do I want to beg a man to be around me who has changed so much? I love him, so I am broken. Now he only says, I am lucky he is still here.
(USA) Loretta…I do understand what you are saying and I have told my husband the very same as far as what happens in the bedroom starts outside of the bedroom. My husband isn’t all over me but the only interest he shows in me is directed sexually and then when we do something it seems it is more about his release than it is about any kind of intimacy between us which makes me feel like a prostitute so I have gotten to the point where I completely try to avoid anything connected to this part of our lives.
With the inlaws, I have been thru much of the same as well. My husband’s family is all very religious and my husband strayed from the church when he left home to party like a drunken sailor with his military buddies. He only lets his family see what he wants them to see so they have no clue who he really is. My husband can show a nice front and when he is around his friends and his family he does exactly that. At home with me and the kids, he is disconnected and not involved… plugs himself into the computer after work, reads or watches TV and hardly speaks a word unless I ask him a question.
We raised a step family and I could tell that not all of husband’s family had good feelings towards me and my kids and so there was always this tension between the one sister and I but my husband would tell me to just ignore her comments. 15 years into the marriage and after giving his sisters my support with situations they had been thru with their kids, we had a terrible tragedy in our own family which I so needed support and the sisters basically turned their backs to me and my daughters. I separated myself from his family completely because of it and my husband was able to see what happened and in this case gave me the support.
As far as asking if “you” are doing better and feeling subjected to his approval, I personally feel you need to see what is going on with your husband as his baggage and not yours. I would not ask if you are doing better, or if he feels better towards you as I have a feeling this is a way he is controlling you and I don’t think it’s about you at all.
(USA) Hi Loretta, What a hard time you must be going through. I really feel for you and I hope I can be of some help to you. I was in that situation before or should I say I am still there but have worked with myself and changed the way I view things. Now I don’t even see a problem and my husband and I are more in love. God’s ways are righteous and at the end of the problems you both come out better people.
When you are involved with an unbeliever, it can be very difficult or impossible to get some sense into their head. So it’s up to you to set things straight through your reliance on God’s word and prayer. Right now whatever you say to him will be regarded as “criticism” or “nagging” by him. My advice to you will be to stop that for a while and talk to God. I always like to quote the verse about unbeliving husbands being “won without a word”. This has really worked in my marriage.
This is what I did and still do:
1. I absorbed myself in Christian literature like those on this site which talk about the communication differences between men and women. I attribute some of the “problems” I used to have to these differences.
2. I put a stop to verbal fights by letting go of insults made to me, criticisms or general unreasonable behaviour. You don’t have to reply to these things because the offender probably wants just that. So overlook offences- He will stop.
3. I became the initiator of outside intimacy even if he doesn’t respond. For example giving him hugs when he returns home (& before he goes), sitting on the couch with him watching the long football/basketball games with him (holding his hand). He got used to it and has warmed up to it. Now he reciprocates.
4. I focused on new interests, knitting and crotcheting. These hobbies really absorb me, especially in times when he is quiet on his computer or watching the news. Before I know it, he will be the first one to speak and we then have a meaningful chat -not forced. So I have learned to appreciate that he needs time to unwind after work and I give it to him in peace.
5. When he comes home late I wait for him and am happy to see him – no questions asked unless he volunteers. I usually call him and ask “what time do you want your dinner ready?” instead of “What time are you coming home?” Now he is consistently coming early and sometimes asks me to come to his workplace if he is working late.
6. I get into his “world” by taking part in things that interest him like outcomes from his work meetings, sports and I give him updates on the latest news headlines. I actually enjoy these things now and I can say we have developed common interests. So if these things take most of his free time, I will be there with him.
7. With regards to his family, try to avoid complaining about them because he will continue to be defensive. He knows they are wrong at times but for you to say it, may not help but misinterpreted. He will learn his lesson; just put it in prayer.
8. I put my grievances to God in prayer and I know it’s worth the wait. I meditate on the promises of God in the Bible and make them my reality. I therefore do not focus on the wrongs happening around me but on the good that is yet to come.
9. Try to put yourself into submision as necessary. Men respond well to this kind of behavior.
It has not been an easy road but I am warming up to my husband more and realize I actually love this guy and want to see him grow spiritually (whatever time it will take).
Someone might say “why should I be the one to do all the work?” I think you owe it to the whole family to sacrifice and save them if you are the believer in your marriage. It’s better than remaining opinionated at the expense of your marriage. Hope you find this helpful.
(UNITED STATES) Hi, this information was very helpful as I am going through this right now with my husband. I went throught the begging and saying I’m sorry phase and I realize that I have hurt him and I am truly sorry.
I am that eager wife you described… I’m eagar to get things back to normal, but now after reading this I realize why he is behaving “distant” and two days ago I began my jouney to respecting that. He had said he would leave and go to his mother’s house and I could stay there while he sorted things out. I asked him not to at first but then I called him and said I was sorry. I wanted him to be happy and if he wished to go stay at his mom’s house that I would not fight against it. He said okay and that we would talk about it that evening and thank God he didn’t. But I gave him his space.
The next day he left and didn’t say good bye–it hurt but I did not call his cell–and to my surprise he called twice that day to say he called to check on one or all of the children… He came home smiling and communicating with me and the children–so I thought it was safe to take a seat in the living room while he ate dinner and wathced tv… He sat as far as he could from me, ate as fast as he could and then hurried to bed without saying good night and this morning no “good-bye.” It hurt, but I didn’t call him, but he called me to say he’s checking on our son who’s sick and after he asked about him he asked "so how’s everyone else?"
Is he trying to communicate? Should I continue to give him his space?” Because last night I think I went too far by even sitting in the same room with him.
(USA) Hi Loleta, Just before I answer, are you Loretta (the last post was on 2 September) or you are a different person?
(USA) Hi Loleta, Your husband’s telephone calls truly reflect that you have given the room to act. Let him call you at his own pace and do not hurry him or be anxious over it. I think he is slowly trying to come back but he may not say it outright, maybe because of his pride. When he asks about the children answer the best way you can and don’t bring up any “relationship” issues. They may drive him away if he thinks he is getting back to talk. Let that go for now. The real issues will work themselves back into your relatioship peacefully.
With regards to where he says he wants to stay, don’t challenge him. With the way you described it, i don’t think he really means it, he probably just wants a reaction. If he does, it may not be for long. Just keep praying and entertain his efforts with grace and patience.
I like the fact that he is coming home; his heart is still there. Please do the best you can when he comes and put no pressure on him. With each visit he will sit closer and closer to you so don’t be discouraged with what is happening now (It’s just a matter of time as you pray and work with yourself). Let him be in control of what he is doing. I’m sure he wants to feel that. Be hospitable, make cups of tea etc. HE WILL BE BACK.
I think you are doing very well and it shows because he keeps calling. Keep praying and you will be fine. He may not say the right things in words but I think his actions are apologetic.
(USA) In response to the current posts… personally, I keep going back to the beginning of our relationship when my husband did want to sit and talk and get to know me, when he enjoyed helping me in the kitchen and wanted to have fun as a family. When I see my husband flirting with the waitress or know he has gone across the hall at work to chat with the lady in the office I feel he basically is doing the same thing as he did when we first met so I see that he is capable of initiating.
I think it becomes a choice and they find it too much effort just like them satisfying their own sexual needs rather than trying to make a sexual realtionship with their spouses. They want what is easy and without effort and when relationships are new they are not only easy but intense and I think that’s what men like. (Correct me if anyone has a different thought here.)
Lo… I too have read the Christian material, was raised in a Christian home just like my husband was. Reading your post about the things you have tried that have a made a difference, it sounds to me like you have been more willing to bend your life around your husband but is that meeting your needs?
I personally would not want to sit and watch football with my husband. He cusses and has fits over the mistakles his team makes so it is better for me to leave the house all together so I don’t get disgusted by his behavior. I am an active person so bringing out my knitting needles while he reads or spends time on the computer is again not for me. If that works for you, you are getting your needs met in the process and you are happy with the outcome of your actions then it works for you but that approach is not me and I would be sacrificing more than now.
One of the points the literature here pointed out and I have read from other sources is that we, the wives, have to find a life for ourselves that will make us happy in our own independence inside the marriage.
Here’s an example if anyone is getting confused. I have had 4 kids leave home and it was so hard for me to see them leave as my world has always focused around my family, everything I did was about them and very little time was put into what I wanted for myself… I put everyone’s needs first. Now with only one child left at home I have started working with flowers, visiting more with friends, and even had a jewelry party at my house not long ago. I am enjoying life for the interests I have and I don’t look at my children or even my husband to complete me. To seek that sort of attention would be the strangle the relationship. Annette
(USA) Hi Annette, It’s hard what some wives go through because their husbands are putting more interest on other activities and worse enough, other women. Totally nothing to do with the wife’s behaviour or appearance but selfishness from the husband’s part. That is not good.
I totally agree with you when you say we are not to neglect ourselves and base our happiness on our husbands’ behaviour. If that was the case there wouldn’t be any hope for most of us. Your hobby doesn’t have to be knitting, just something you enjoy doing that keeps you focused.
But what do you do after dinner before bedtime (The only time of the day with your emotionally distant spouse), when there is sports on TV that you don’t like and you are not ready to go to bed? Would you just sit and get bored or go too early to bed and can’t sleep? I have been angry before in a long football game because I was not watching it but just sitting there. But if I watch and learn more about it, time moves fast and we actually share in the fun. That is what we want at the end of the day isn’t it? Some form of family time (not the way we want it though, but it’s something that has brought us together). For me, leaving the room meant more time spent apart especially in the football season where there is a 3hr game like everyday (and you can’t stop him from watching it).
I like to work on myself and develop a sympathetic view of things happening around me. I can’t change my husband but with my actions and prayer he will be won without a word. Fighting for my opinions may only cause him to fight for his (if he is a defensive person).
If you don’t develop a peaceful approach, you get affected by his actions everytime and resort to solutions which the emotionally distant husband doesn’t want to participate in. Who is hurt at the end of the day? The eager wife. You lose nothing by coming to your husband’s level and learn what’s going on in his world. I don’t think “making my mind up” about my husband will help but causes me to give up on his potential to change.
I understand you are at a mature stage whereby you know what’s right for you and know what to do when your husband is being unreasonable. The Bible says “Do unto others what you want them to do for you”. One of us has to be willing to compromise if we are to be united again. Who better than the believer in the relationship? This won’t be a permanent way of things but probably the first step in the same direction.
(USA) Where is your outrage about husbands making a power play with respect to their wives? Equal reponsibility for partners’ dysfunction is not appropriate when inordinate power for one (usually the male) is cited, even if the power-play is ostensibly unintentional. It is obvious that your Mission International is a pathetic attempt to recapture male power in the domestic sphere.
(USA) JD, I’m not sure you understood. The article was clear that one is not to own another’s faults. That would include any dysfunction. So how is any of this about recapturing male power? Marriage is not about power, but about loving another person.
The only thing I saw recommended about power was how to preserve your own power as a woman. You see, you give your power away if you take on the problems of another person. So if you try to own their problems, that is power you give away. No man (or woman) can ever take power from you. You have to give it up.
In that sense, someone who feels powerless has to examine his/her own behaviors to see where they gave away their power.
Typically dysfunction is not just in one person, but both persons in the marriage. So the struggle is not over someone taking power from you, but that you are willing to give it away.
And this is not just a behavior engaged in by women. Men give away power too. Many allow their wives to dominate emotionally, where they have the relative power. As the author alluded to, growing the relationship seems to be the goal of the woman. The power we’ve giving away is that it seems the feminine model of relationships is regarded as the superior model.
The man’s way of approaching relationships is being invalidated. Men go along with that, giving away their power. Men are called emotionally distant, and we buy that lie. Men are NOT emotionally distant. They simply express their emotions differently and in different circumstances. If I don’t break down in a weepy mess of tears after watching some romantic “chick flick” that doesn’t prove that I’m emotionally distant. I might start cheering when my team or my child scores a goal, or a touch down or a home run. Look male emotions.
I may not get so excited about a candle lit dinner, but when my wife makes my toes curl, wow, there are intense emotions. If I get angry about something, that too is an emotion. Yet men are cautioned about sharing their emotions. We are told anger is bad, so we buy that lie and hide it, and then after our wives tell us anger is bad, they wonder why we don’t open up.
Hello? We did open up and we were told it wasn’t welcome. So when guys buy that lie, we give away our power. I’m not saying we should be cruel or abusive, or expect things to go our way all the time.
If you want your husband to be emotionally close, then get close to the emotions he does express. There are few if any “Mr Spocks” out there. Guys are emotional. So stop spreading the lie they are not, and start joining in when he is emotional.
If he’s mad, let him be mad. If he’s cheering the kids or his team, then join in, and don’t just call it a “stupid game” Oh, and NEVER tell him he SHOULDN’T feel that way. There is no quicker way to close off that emotional bridge than to tell him that he should not feel what he says he’s feeling.
By doing so sends the message that you don’t care what he’s feeling, you want to control or dictate how and what he SHOULD or SHOULDN’T feel. That doesn’t mean accepting bad behavior. But it does mean validating what he feels and making it emotionally safe for him to share his feelings, even the ugly ones.
(USA) Hi, I have been married to my husband for 20 years now and he and I separated twice and we are currently together again but having the same difficulties again. I believe that he has or is having an affair, but it does not seem to bother me, because I know where it is coming from. I understand that he can’t comunicate with me at this time, and I am going to seek councelling and ask if he wants to go with me. If not, I will seek it alone.
The one fear I have is that once I get the councelling I need and find a job, and I will have to leave and not come back. I have so much love for him and it is the most painful thing I have thought of, but I find that I am so starved for the intimacy that he shared with me 22 years ago, that my healing will be the beginning of the end of my life with him.
I want to be in his life forever, but not this way, and if I have to compromise myself anymore, I may end up leaving. I know he loves me but he has never believed in my love for him. The above article has been very cleansing and I found that it has put all that I have been feeling into perspective. My heart breaks because he has and will be the only love for me, but I can’t seem to reach him. It is like he died or checked out and I have lived with it for years and it has affected my spirit for life.
I don’t even think that my children know what I was like before I met him. In fact, it has crossed my mind that he has misrepresented me to our children and his mother, and they are thinking that I am creating trouble where there is none. He has indicated some things to me as if it were the thoughts of others, but I believe it was his way of telling me that it was his thoughts. He is beginning to admit some of the things that I have discussed with him in the past and he has denied and arguments ensue.
I have come to the realization, that I only want to live the rest of my days in peace, so I will seek whatever means necessary to accomplish this. I pray to the Lord daily to help us to find each other again. I am willing and ready to change what I can that are issues for him if it will help us. I love him with all of my heart and soul; however, wherever this may lead us, back to each other or perhaps other options, I can only hope to become one with him some day before I die. I want to know what true love feels like, and we have never really had that yet between us. I only want that with him because I feel that we have worked so hard for so long to figure it all out. I want true love to be our reward for having stayed together and seeing it through. He is a wonderful human being that has the right to know what being free really feels like. I am a good person who deserves to have total peace and love the way I have always dreamed.
God speed. Thanks for letting me express myself, I need to do that every day. In God’s name. Please help us, Laura
(PHILIPPINES) My emotionally distant spouse finally bid goodbye due to some reason of culture differences. We used to work on culture issues before but now he’s blaming me. I feels so sad and devastated when someone who promised to love you forever is the one who’s pushing you away and advised to move-on with our lives.
My spirit was totally crushed and I don’t know what to do anymore. I have prayed hard and fasted but it seemed like it got worse. Often times he’s blaming me for our marriage which hurt me the most. I feel really guilty and he made my self esteem low. Why are some spouses are happy while others have to suffer from misery and devastation? I am really depressed and I wanted to feel anger but I don’t know what to feel anymore. I have faith in God and trusted Him with my marriage to restore but in times like this I am really wondering if God listens to our prayers and why He called us to be married with this kind of a spouse? God bless us all.