Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening?
Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice?
Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations (i.e. making few demands), you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses that, if left unattended, can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety, and the like stemming from their marriage. Since these issues are usually played out in the home, I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the single most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship progresses, or rather, fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment and futility become entrenched, and faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed, and their husbands fail to supply that need. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men, unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs, perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. At least at an unexpected level, they are begging for someone to show them a better way to relate to their wives. In these cases, the potential for counseling success is very strong. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating, but she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit; if he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can, frankly, be emotionally abusive.
It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions and would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem; therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore; so what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane.
He then—and this is a key—begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion, a distraction—in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, to get rid of them, for he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions or even, to some extent, downplaying them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious; she certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level that she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful: the silent treatment, pretended agreement, constant forgetfulness, procrastination, laziness, temper outbursts, work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment, to prevent the boat from rocking, you see, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying, persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays. If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists, and the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. He avoids commitment and personal accountability. A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability, and that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of, so he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance—exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden; the wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied (in other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice). The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship, for a thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused. With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear, and that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down, so he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics; it must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs—a stable leader—for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance. Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two.something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync. Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing, something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands but are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time, but she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction: an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal. Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth.
Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books, enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars. They invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life and why they need to make the needed adjustments. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change. Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior—reacting instead of pro-acting—this woman eventually loses heart as she realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized. Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience, and the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves, protesting or cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized. “When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?”
In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
In short, to improve your own satisfaction and happiness, a major step is to put your own house in order. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. And even if you do not experience the adjustments in your mate that you have hoped for, you will still be a more stable and content individual. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
The above edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner Preview or purchase this book now.
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you want to read this book along with your spouse (if he desires to do so) Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
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(USA) To add to Cindy’s comments to Laurie. Something that entered my mind AFTER I made my last comment was ED. That’s also a possibility. Esp. when I read the age bracket you all are in (I assume your husband is around the same age). It generally only starts declining then, but perhaps he’s had a full decline?
Additionally, having a friend who used to be BPD until Christ healed her of that – I’m pretty certain Borderline Personality Disorders can ONLY be present if there is self-harm involved (pulling out one’s hair, cutting one’s self, etc.) If that is not present then it probably isn’t the case, but I’m NOT a doctor or psychologist. Also – my understanding is that ALL mental illnesses are weaknesses of the flesh, prayed up on by demons. If one finds Christ and healing through that, the mental illnesses take care of themselves because the demons leave.
One last thought, if your husband is a Christian, he IS violating scripture by not having sex when you ask him. The bible says that husbands and wives are not to deprive each other unless it’s temporary and by mutual consent. Paul explains that if that rule is broken, Satan prays and tempts, just as is already happening to you, Laurie, by having occasional thoughts and lusts for other men. (I’ve been there myself and know what that is like and how strong the pull is).
With love and prayers, LT
(USA) Just new to this site, and it’s overwhelming. It’s good, and it’s bad. Good to see others share in same issues in marriage as I, with emotionally void husbands. Bad because it is painful and hard and to see that there are many who do suffer emotionally from it. I wish marriage was easier. I wish we could just pray and viola’ – husbands would talk, love us like we need, and visa versa, that we could also meet their needs, easy as 1,2,3! There is no one answer except Jesus, keeping our eyes fixed on Him, continually. It’s great to see this type of site, full of Christian women who long to do God’s will amongst the pain and hard work, and ya’ll are out there to glean from. Just a thanks to all of you whom I have just read in a small amount of time who shared their hearts. I’m feeling better already.
(USA) I am new to this website. I feel so bad for all of you that are having such a hard time in your marriages. I am a newly wed. My husband can be the same way. I am Christian and he doesn’t know if there is a God or not. Needs proof. He says I am controlling, calls me "perfect", etc. He watches TV all night. Doesn’t want to face problems and doesn’t talk to me hardly at all when it comes to problems or relationships. I pray. I read the Bible and am trying to figure out why we have so many problems. He is used to doing drugs (had him quit), in and out of relationships (helped him settle down), bipolar (helped him get a diagnoses and treatment)…. you would think these are positive changes.
We have 3 kids and one on the way in July. I thought introducing God into our lives would be encouraging and positive. It has been a disaster.
I know he would change if he had proof. I can’t prove God. God isn’t going to just show up. I told him it involves faith. When you prove your faith to God, he returns the favor.
I feel for all of you. Keep praying. I am even when I don’t feel like it. All we have is hope.
(USA) Ohiogal, do not give up on your husband or your marriage. Your children and your unborn baby need you to be strong and to keep your family intact. Hold your husband up to the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to make Jesus real to him. It is not your job to "prove" there is a God. The Holy Spirit will do that for your husband. Sometimes when we are "strong women" and "fix" our men, saving them from themselves and their destructive habits, they can grow to resent us despite the fact that we have made them better people. I don’t know what it is about this, but men feel immasculated when we take control, even when it is for their own good and for the good of our family. I do know that God will honor you and give you the strength you need to keep your family together if you continue to hold your family up to Him in prayer. I am sure that other Godly women reading this site can concur with what you are going through. I will pray for you. Stay true to Jesus!!
(USA) I’m emotionally numb and feel like when I prayed for a husband to love my 2 young girls like his own, I failed to pray for a husband to love me and satan heard me and sent a nonemotional husband. God please help me know what to do…
(SOUTH AFRICA) Well at last I found people that relate to my problem. I have the same problem as Laurie. I pray and am still praying. My husband is only a Sunday Service Christian. He loves secular movies and gets irritated with me when I want to watch TBN. Sex has been gone for long time now. It’s only when it suits him, which is very seldom and getting worst as the years go by. My only regret is that I will pass away someday with that longing in my heart for that certain touch, kiss, hug and feeling of knowing you have lived a full life as God INTENDED. I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE. MY KIDS ARE ALL GROWN NOW. THEY SEE ME HURT, HEAR ME CRY, AND TOLD ME TO FIND LOVE. THEY WILL STAND BY ME. WILL I EVER BE HAPPY?
(USA) Pat, I believe that the Lord has directed us to this site to lift each other up in His power. I found this site quite by accident. For years I wanted to go for professional counseling because this is not a subject you discuss with your friends or family. It is too embarrassing. However, professional counseling is largely filled with secular counselors who would advise us to leave our loveless and emotionally impaired husbands while scratching their heads wondering what has taken us so long. They don’t understand our love and loyalty to Jesus is what precludes us from just moving on.
I believe that God fills in the other areas of my life with new joys to compensate for the big void in my marriage. I can’t help but believe that we will be rewarded for "hanging in there" for God’s sake. If we honor His commandments and our marriage vows, continue to pray, and hold our husbands up to God to "fix" whatever it is that is making them this way, one of two things will happen: One: they will miraculously change and become the men that God has intended them to be, which includes loving us as they would Jesus. Or Two: God will honor us for our faithfulness and bless us and make us happy in other ways in our life because of our devotion to doing what is morally right.
You mention that you have supportive children, well, thank God for that blessing! I wish I knew the answer to dealing with our emotionally impaired husbands; I don’t. Is divorce ever justified and right? I don’t know. I concur with your feelings of fear of dying without feeling the love you deserve from a devoted, Godly spouse. I fear retirement and living alone with my husband who is obsessed with the TV. I hate listening to that thing!! I wear my iPod so I don’t have to hear it in the background. Satan has ahold of these men who vegetate in front of the TV watching stupid, mindless, secular shows. I wish we didn’t even have a TV set. Why don’t our husbands see the hours that they waste in front of it a waste of time and as sinful? I don’t know the answer to this either. I only know that we have to keep praying because Satan is vying for our husbands’ attention through monopolizing their minds with the garbage on TV. The only answer I have definitely is that true happiness comes from Jesus and that may or may not include a "husband". I will pray for you. I have been praying for ALL OF YOU on this site and I appreciate your prayers in return. May God bless and keep you strong…myself included!!
(USA) Hi Pat, Laurie and Ohio gal,
I wanted to share with you all, from my own experiences. And I also wanted to send you to one of the articles on this site, which is EXTREMELY helpful in the situations you are dealing with.
Firstly, to answer Laurie’s question on whether divorce is ever justified. I do not believe God likes divorce under any circumstance, but the apostle Paul did give 2 reasons under which it is forgiveable. If you read I Corinthinans 7 it talks about marriage (and divorce). If you have the KJ version, I’d also recommend reading the NIV as well, as the language is a bit more easy to understand.
Regarding TV – I’ve read several comments here, and articles, and based on all of that (as well as having read a testimony on how a woman confronted her husband’s abuse) – TV is the man’s escape. It’s not that they don’t hear you and it’s not that they don’t know that things are not great in your opinion – it’s that they don’t know what to do. TV is how they escape the problem. It’s also avoiding, as well.
I read a testimony of a woman who had to take action toward her abusive husband, said that he’d verbally abused her all the time but the first time he hit her, he punched her to the floor and then sat down to watch TV as though nothing had happened. I, too, was an abused wife and have done more reading on that subject than I ever thought possible. What I have gleaned is that women would never do that (pretend as though nothing is wrong) but neither do men. They know something is wrong AND they know when they have done something wrong AND they hear your complaints, but if they have no answer, they leave it alone and watch TV.
The answer? I found the following article on this website very helpful : http://www.marriagemissions.com/why-doesnt-my-spouse-change-functional-fixedness/
Please read it. It’s not an answer to all your problems, but it points you in the direction of non-sinful, active change, even if your husband is unwilling to. My guess, however, is that your husband may not want to make change (or face problems at first) but if you do so, in a holy way fitting of a Godly woman, he may resist at first but can’t resist forever. God’s light usually wins out in the end. But it does take a while – love is long-suffering and perseveres.
Ohio gal – regarding your husband seeing you as "perfect." That is completely normal in non-believers. Especially when they are living with a believer. They can dismiss the "self-righteous" stranger because they don’t live with that person. But when it’s their spouse – they want to dismiss it and run from God and him calling you "perfect" is his way of doing that. Do not take it personally (as hard as that is not to). That’s Satan using your husband to get to you – don’t let that happen. Don’t let Satan win. See it as your armor of God is VERY visible to him. No, you cannot prove God except, possibly in this way – by God living in you. It’s hard to deny change. Non-believing spouses like to think that the change in their spouse is fake or self-righteous (as flimsy as that is of an excuse) but after a while, it wears on them. It’s not your job to convert your husband – you should not try. In fact scripture talks against that. But live your life in God as He has called you. Simply tell your husband you respect his right to not want to believe (and He does have that right) and ask him to respect your right to live a Christian life and pray for God to give you the balance between the two (because we humans have a hard time on where to draw the line and where to let it go). In showing respect for your husband’s beliefs, you show Godly respect to your husband, commanded by God to all wives in Ephesians 5. And in asking him, politely, to respect your beliefs as a Christian (without demand he live the same life), it shows your respect for God and that He lives in you. That’s taking up your cross, even when your spouse does not want to do that. The fact is, God has not chosen your husband at this time. Isn’t it true when God calls you, you know it. But God has called you.
Pat – I agree with Laurie that God fills up things in your life to fill the marriage void but I also know, because of my own personal circumstance, that there comes a point where the gnaw of not having a good marriage really wears you down. I would read the article above if I were you.
My own son is just a toddler. He is just now to the point where I see him as a companion, sometimes when my husband can’t be. Before, as an infant, I was trying to handle the physical and emotional demands of a baby and trying to deal with a marriage that still had a lot of verbal abuse (even though the physical had stopped), emotional emptiness and it was too much to do that AND raise an infant. Only by the power of God did I survive that. So I don’t know what it is like to have older children yet. I will say this though – I know what it’s like to be overly consumed with your problems. That’s ALWAYS dangerous. Satan prays on that. Be aware of them, pray for direction, but don’t let it take over your life. Then you can no longer be a warrior for God. However, it will strengthen you.
I agree with Laurie that there are 2 possibilities for our efforts at change – God will fill up the void in other ways OR our husbands will change. Firstly – your husband may change but it will be a process because in the process of him chaning, but not overnight, we are forced to deal with stressful situations and in doing so – that makes US change as well – for the better. We become much better and stronger Christians this way. It starts at home. Then God can use you in other areas outside the home. SEcondly, let me pose another possibility – that not only will your void fill up, but your husband will change, too. My belief is that those 2 avenues will eventually merge into a single avenue. But only after you AND your husband change. That’s possible. It will happen on God’s timeline not ours. He’s molding ALL of us right now like a silversmith molds silver. They say silver isn’t ready until the maker (God) can see his reflection in the silver (us).
At any rate – all of you ladies – God hears your pleas and the cries of your hearts and He LOVES you beyond measure!! He’s already started to fix the problems – it’s one little piece at a time. The process is already underway. We serve a mighty, awesome God and a God, that, I believe, will NOT let you die without getting love again.
My personal experience, after my husband and I were separated because of abuse – we spent an entire year – a WHOLE year, working on ourselves. During that time, we were not very close. It was really bad but in hindsight, it was for a reason. He was seeking God’s will and healing for him and where he should change, and so was I – and I changed and grew a LOT, because of that, as did my husband. It looked like our marriage was getting worse and that’s because it was – it was part of the process. In a lot of situations, things actually get worse in order to get better but the new "better" will be far beyond anything you had before, even when you were a newlywed.
Hang in there ladies – it’s worth the wait and it’s definitely worth the fight. God will give you the strength. One last thing – a suggestion that has worked for me is to see if your husband will give you an hour (or half hour) once a week where you can sit with him and have him talk to you about issues he has with you and you talk about issues that concern you. Present it as done in love, calmness (no stress or anger allowed) and two-way (he tells you what’s bothering him as well as you tell him what’s boethering you). Be prepared for him to share, as well, but it might help in bridging the communication gap. The key is to not get defensive, listen calmly and don’t take things personally.
With lots of Christian love and prayers, LT
(USA) Aloha! I just completed reading all of your touching stories and encouraging responses. Unlike many of you, I married a man knowing he did not believe as I did, knowing in my heart God was not approving of the union and now suffering the consequences of my sin. My husband is everything the article has described for emotionally distant husbands. At least I am aware now of what not to do. I have confessed my sin to our heavenly Father, and I know He has forgiven me. It is tough to live without love and emotional fulfillment as you all have described.
This is the fourth man I have married, having been cheated on by the other 3. I kept hoping to find the right one. I should have been patient and listened and obeyed our Lord. I am blessed that God is so gracious that He has given me peace though this tragedy. My sadness is not understanding why, why are so many woman, experiencing the same trouble. Some for so many years.
I too believe that God is faithful, if only He could hold us and kiss our cheeks when the tears fall at night. Yet, we can take hope that things will not always be this way. One day, if not here, we will experience joy beyond comprehension,of this I am sure. God can be enough, He has to be, or we lose.. we must remember that "Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world." Hold on my Christian sisters, as many have stated, hold fast, be faithful and press in to Jesus!! I love you all~ with warmest alohas~
(CANADA) Your article certainly hit home for me. Been married for 22 years, and have made love twice in the last 11 years. Shuts up like a clam, or changes the subject any time I try to explain our situation & how I feel.
He’s great with other people, and sometimes he’s great with me. However, I need more than he’s willing to offer, and I am not getting it. Now, I’m seriously contemplating getting my own apartment this Spring because he doesn’t want to sell the house. Have been advised not to leave my house, but this is no life for anyone, whether male or female.