Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening?
Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice?
Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations (i.e. making few demands), you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses that, if left unattended, can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety, and the like stemming from their marriage. Since these issues are usually played out in the home, I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the single most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship progresses, or rather, fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment and futility become entrenched, and faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed, and their husbands fail to supply that need. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men, unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs, perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. At least at an unexpected level, they are begging for someone to show them a better way to relate to their wives. In these cases, the potential for counseling success is very strong. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating, but she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit; if he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can, frankly, be emotionally abusive.
It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions and would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem; therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore; so what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane.
He then—and this is a key—begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion, a distraction—in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, to get rid of them, for he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions or even, to some extent, downplaying them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious; she certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level that she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful: the silent treatment, pretended agreement, constant forgetfulness, procrastination, laziness, temper outbursts, work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment, to prevent the boat from rocking, you see, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying, persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays. If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists, and the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. He avoids commitment and personal accountability. A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability, and that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of, so he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance—exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden; the wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied (in other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice). The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship, for a thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused. With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear, and that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down, so he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics; it must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs—a stable leader—for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance. Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two.something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync. Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing, something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands but are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time, but she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction: an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal. Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth.
Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books, enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars. They invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life and why they need to make the needed adjustments. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change. Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior—reacting instead of pro-acting—this woman eventually loses heart as she realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized. Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience, and the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves, protesting or cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized. “When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?”
In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
In short, to improve your own satisfaction and happiness, a major step is to put your own house in order. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. And even if you do not experience the adjustments in your mate that you have hoped for, you will still be a more stable and content individual. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
The above edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner Preview or purchase this book now.
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you want to read this book along with your spouse (if he desires to do so) Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
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(U) I have been married over 20 years. My mistakes have been huge. I have tried too hard, I have gotten angry, depressed, disregarding, disrespectful… at varying times. The dynamics with my husband and I have affected one of our kids horribly. I kept thinking in the earlier days that it was mostly me. My husband still thinks it is mostly me.
We are now separated. There had been no arguing or anything. He just suddenly decided he was done.
While I have been clear about my part in screwing up the marriage, he cannot bring himself to see his part. And now I know in hindsight, he is not as deaf as he appears. He is incredibly sensitive, and I tromped on him. He lacks in courage to express himself, to reach out, and to admit when he is wrong.
So here I am, older, and alone, and it did occur to me more than 15 years ago to be done or insist on major marriage counseling. I should have done that.
Both of us are to blame. Now the bottom line is forgiveness. And, if he changes his mind, which I doubt, and wants to reconsider, now I am beginning to understand I cannot do this unless he can say "I am sorry" on occasion, can express a little more emotion, can express sadness, anger… all those things that make us fully human. I sometimes treated him badly, and I scarred him. He scarred me with his indifference. He sometimes made me feel like a zero.
If you are married to someone like my husband, get to counseling. If you are dating someone like my husband, get to counseling, or leave. These kind of people are the most resistant to change. And without meaning to be, they are deeply hurtful, and also feeling hurt themselves, since they cannot express much. They seem so strong, but they are just keeping it all in, and one day, at the worst possible time, they will in some manner explode. Starting Over and Too Old to be doing it…
(UNITED STATES) I have been married going on three years and I was this emotionally distant husband, not wanting to admit my emotional issues. My wife says she has felt abandoned emotionally from me for over a year and just "burnt-out" and wants a separation and possibly a divorce. I have focused all my energy on my faith and it is getting me through this hard time, but I never realized how much my relationship with God was in trouble as well.
I feel so close to God now and have made that commitment to be the spiritual leader of my family but now my wife is not willing to work on the relationship. She feels that she has invested all she can and she just cannot put out anymore. She wanted counseling during the years but I never would go. She would tell me plain and simple the issues. I would change for a week or two and she would not give back and I would give up, so now she just thinks I will give in and she is not willing to put her heart in harms way again. This has been going on over four months now and about two and half months I have totally transformed into a loving, caring mate but she is not excepting anything.
I have always been a good father to our son and provided a home, no infidelity, no abuse, no alcoholism, but I knew there was another level to our marriage that I was dying to reach, I just didn’t know how. I felt it was always something she was doing but when she was ready to walk out the door I looked at myself and the way I detached from her emotionally.
My mother battled cancer for two years of our marriage and eventually passed two years ago when I was 26 and I now I probably got used to taking emotionally from my wife and didn’t take care of the things she needed to talk about then. I soon realized I was the one that needed to work on things but it’s been so hard with absolutely no affirmation of it on her part.
I now read many books, I am going to a marriage counselor every week, I read countless articles and blogs on marriage and what women want emotionally, I have talked with our pastor, called upon Christian friends who have experienced the same thing, and most importantly I truly seek God’s word and what he expects of us as followers and in marriage. I have truly changed into a loving, devoted husband but she is not excepting it and seems she is only becoming more and more distant.
The more and more I learn, the easier this problem seems to fix and it only takes a small effort. But she feels this is just un-fixable and will never be able to be worked out or have the scars healed. But just having the understanding of knowing what each other’s intentions were through those times is totally opposite of what I thought her intentions were then. I know I have hurt her emotionally and don’t expect this to change over night but it seems the more and more close I come to her emotionally and closer to God, the further she goes.
She wants to get separated thinking it will be better, but doesn’t know if she wants to get back with me. So I feel she’s not going to work on anything during the separation and it will only make her more distant followed by then divorce. What do I do?
I pray and pray. I try to talk to her about God or going to church but she will not hear anything only being defensive. I think she feels God has let her down and that God would not want her to be this unhappy. I know this is not true. God wants her to live by her actions and not solely by her feelings but she doesn’t believe this. She feels that the reasons I treated her like this for so long is that I didn’t truly love her but I did.
And when I tell her why, after learning of problems like in this article, the reasons I treated her like I did, are only excuses. I read articles like this one and only learn more about myself. I have a new found knowledge on how to connect emotionally my wife on even a deeper level and that is what I have done. I feel so great and see the future brighter than she probably even imagined. If she could just read one article I think she might think we are not the only marriage in the world that has gone through this.
I try to tell her most men are like this and I feel good that I have worked this out so young and into our marriage. Does anyone have any advice?
I thank you so much for information like this. It has helped me grow into a "real man" for my marriage. This is the first time I have written a comment but I just say thanks again, after researching all the information out there on marriages it is really not that hard to do what you should, once you read. I read articles and say that’s how I feel exactly and never knew it, or knew why I acted like that or why my wife would react the way she does, so just understanding a few simple emotional details about how men and women think are pretty simple but vital to any relationship.
I ask for all the prayers I can get, I love my wife and cherish her so deeply. Thanks for any prayers or replies.
I’d like to point out a couple of books that have truly transformed my way of thinking and opened my eyes to the almost obvious. One is “How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking” and this book explains how talking about things are not as important as one may think, but making that connection with your spouse is vital. The second, is a book titled “The Walk Out Woman.” I think it is geared toward women but it explains how women’s emotions work, what starts and stops those processes and one topic that puzzled my mind and my wife’s mind was “why men don’t changed until she is walking out the door.” I highly recommend both of them, especially the second one. I hope this helps someone who is at the bottom but is willing to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work, I feel your pain.
(USA) Uri, you have explained your plight so well. How I wish every emotionally distant husband would read what you wrote… and yet many of them wouldn’t listen. And how I wish every wife who is SO disgruntled and feels hopeless, would just open a corner of their heart one last time for husbands like you.
But it’s kind of like what is described in the article “Why Some Spouses Give Up” (which is in the “Save My Marriage” section). Their strength gives way JUST BEFORE the rescue comes.
All I can say Uri, is to keep on the learning path you are going. Learn all you can, love your wife, pray for her, and hopefully she will see and appreciate the change in you over time. I sense that you really “get it” as far as your role in marriage. Keep strong in your relationship with God and don’t give up NO MATTER WHAT!
And if you can shout this message from the housetops to other men to wake them up before it appears to be too late for them, ask God to show you how and where you can go to do so. You might participate with God in saving at least one marriage (and prayerfully, yours as well).
This is the mission we are on as well. We came so close to quitting in our marriage many times. But thank God we woke up when we did. That is why we are so passionate to be a sounding board and a learning center to help people wake up and put the heart of Christ back into their marriages… to reveal the heart of Christ to a world that so desperately needs his saving grace.
God bless you Uri. If you learn anything else that you can pass along, please do so. We appreciate your heart and learning what God is teaching you.
One last thing though, just make sure that you guard your heart. You want to apply these principles so much now, and since your wife is cold at this point, you may be vulnerable to another deception by the enemy of our faith — Keep true to God and to your wife no matter what or who comes your way. The Marriage Message we will be sending out this week would be good for you to read. Blessings!
(USA) Hi all, I stumbled upon this article as I was searching for a way to understand my situation with my fiance. We have been good friends for over six years and dating for over a year. We are getting married at the end of May (less than 2 months away) and recently moved in together.
I have always noticed something distant in him but just wrote it up to him being "laid back". I have always liked his laid back attitude and praised him for it. Now that we are at a point where we should be getting closer, I am noticing more that his laid back attitude is nothing more than him being emotionally distant. I kind of had an inkling that this was the case but this article really opened my eyes. I seriously got chills as I was reading.
I know that my fiance loves me even though I can be very harsh at times but I don’t think that he has any idea of how to communicate with me and I think he is very afraid of me when I very much need him to be a dominant male figure in my life (since I no longer have my father around). I try to discuss my feelings with him but I feel like he disregards anything that I say as nagging at him. He can’t seem to overlook my tone and realize that I am crying out to him for attention.
I have never been a very needy person but I am feeling very lonely and in need of more. Since I don’t live with my mother and father anymore, it has been a very drastic change for me. I am used to coming home to someone who will sit and chat with me for an hour or who actually cares what I did during the day. He always asks, how was your day? But when I begin telling him he floats off into another room or somehow brings the conversation back to something that happened to him that day.
He will say something like, "yeah, that sucks. Well guess what happened to me today!" And I am left feeling very unappreciated and empty. These emotions only become heightened when I get home and he is sitting there playing Xbox or playing on the computer and nothing has been picked up, or even looked over; he hasn’t even turned any lights on and he has been there for 30 minutes!! He just DOES NOT CARE!
It is his world and he is the only one living in it. I am just this person who is expected to cook him dinner, wash his dirty underwear and keep him sexually pleased. I know I said that I liked old fashioned ways but this is crazy! I never expected it to be this way. I give him every opportunity and hint in the world for what I want, I’ve even TOLD him flat out but he just ignores it.
I should have known that he would be just like his father. A bystander in the family. A non-active member of all relationships. I never wanted this and now I am finding myself panicking! Our wedding is in less than two months and I can’t even imagine calling this man my husband! I love him so much but he is not giving me what I need or want. I am so scared right now. I just need someone to let me know that it will be ok.
(USA) Hi Christie, Please, please, please work on these issues BEFORE you marry, rather than being quiet and assuming things will work out later AFTER marriage. Your fiance may be the nicest “laid back” man there is, but if he isn’t open to working on making sure your emotional needs are met in some way (within reason and to the best of his ability), you will live a very frustrated married life together. Just read the above comments.
There are SO many, who have gone into marriage thinking their spouse would be more responsive to their emotional needs later, only to find out the opposite (and live with BIG regrets for marrying).
NOW is the time to find out, BEFORE MARRIAGE, if the man you want to marry is able to share an emotional partnership with you after your marriage. He may be a wonderful man, but that doesn’t mean that he would be a wonderful marriage partner for YOU.
It would be better to postpone any wedding plans (even if it costs you thousands of dollars to do so) and be better prepared for the marriage later on, or to eventually call off the marriage because you see that it wouldn’t work, than to get married in a few months and deeply regret it later. Trust me, a divorce is much costlier on many levels.
Make it a mission together to make sure that you both know how to address each other’s emotional needs. That will take time and learning some skills. Don’t settle for empty promises or for little quick fixes at this point so the wedding can go on as scheduled. Just as there is “buyers remorse” after some big purchases, there is such a thing as “wedding remorse” in marrying quicker than one should.
This man just may need some type of training (and you as well), and you both may need to work on figuring out how to interact together FOR A LIFETIME, so you both feel your emotional love tank is filled. Or he may just be a self-absorbed person who isn’t socially or emotionally ready or able to commit all it would take to make a marriage a good one. Now is the time to find out. I pray you will, and I’m sure the people who have commented above (plus many more who haven’t written) would second that motion. I care and will be praying.
(USA) My husband told me about two weeks ago, he does not love me anymore. He said he cares for me but does not love me. We have a beautiful five year old together. I am trying to save my marriage but it is like he does not want it to work. What should I do? I love my husband but I can not do it alone. I pray everyday that GOD will lead him back to his family.
(CANADA) Hi Heather, nice to meet you. Sorry for the pain that you’re going thro’. I know how you feel coz my husband did the same thing and said the same words. I’m writing this as an encouragement to tell you God has this. This is the time for you to get down on your knees and ask God to use this situation to build you’re strength, to change you and show you what areas to change.
That’s what God does He’ll use this painful experience to help you grow as a person; then He’ll work on your husband. It’s not gonna be easy but God is there and He knew that you’d go through this. He just wants you to trust Him and grow from this. God restored my marriage and it took a lot on my part to realise what I contributed to our marriage falling apart and it took a lot to listen to God’s truth.
Pray for patience because gal, you’ll need it. You can also buy a journal and write everything and how God is helping you and also you can start a prayer journal for your husband. Read God’s word and meditate on it. God has restored a lot of marriages and He’ll restore yours too…it will just take lots of faith and wisdom and stepping out of the way so that God may work on your husband’s heart. Release your husband to God. You can read James 1:2-7, Psalms 91, Psalms 34:17-18 Matthew11:28-30.
There’s a lot more in God’s word where you can find comfort. Remember too that this is the enemy’s joy to see you’re marriage crumbling so don’t give in to his plans; even when you wanna give up – don’t!
Remember that the devil’s “no” can not match up to God’s “YES.” If you have a close Christian female friend you can talk too and pray with that always helps. Take care and I’ll be praying for you. God bless you.
(US) Hi Heather, I too have been rejected by my husband. He doesn’t tell me he loves me anymore either. It’s so painful. My best advice is to love him unconditionally and keep praying for him. I will keep you in my prayers too.
Visit: encouragingwomen.org / rejoiceministers.org great websites – they encourage me so much – especially the testimonies. Don’t give up-Fellow Stander
(USA) Hi all of my sisters in Christ- I haven’t posted for awhile and am doing so to ask for your prayers. Last week I suffered a stroke and am going to undergo a surgical procedure in the coming weeks. Despite the critical nature of my medical problem and the fact that I almost died, my husband is still distant. Gee, you would think that this experience would have scared him enough to realize that I could be dead any day now. No such luck! Guess he really doesn’t love me after all, despite him saying that he does when asked.
Remember the adage: actions speak louder than words. Maybe he doesn’t have the capacity to deal with crisis and act accordingly. I had my stroke, was paralyzed in the hospital and he did stay with me for the first day, then it was back to work and business as usual the next. He acted like nothing happened and when I arrived home, it was just like nothing happened. Good news is that I was not left with any deficit and maybe that is why he thinks all is okay.
The sad truth is that since I already had a stroke, I am more likely to suffer another one. He just doesn’t get it. I am trying to believe that he is in shock, but really, he is back to his old self. He did sleep with me for two nights when I got home so I wasn’t afraid (the stroke happened in the middle of the night without warning), but after that, he moved back to the guest room. Wow…my self-esteem is really bad right now.
Someday God will judge him for his actions and I can only believe that Jesus loves me and will take care of me despite my husband. I am faithful to the Lord and I believe He will see me through. Please keep me in your prayers. God bless you all.
(KENYA) I am glad I landed on this site. It is so surprising how so many women go through such great challenges yet continue to hang in there. To me it seems like men are hewn from the same rock. Were they created to be that distant? I have experienced a lot of that in my marriage. I have talked about it, complained about it, grumbled, prayed and now am leaving it to God to give me direction on what to do. Let us not lose hope. Let us continue trusting in God. There are times I have told God to fill the void in my life, to embrace me in His bosom, so that I may feel loved… The love of God is unconditional. Let’s keep praying for each other. It has been helpful to me to read all your comments and get an ocean of lessons from all of you…