Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening?
Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice?
Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations (i.e. making few demands), you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses that, if left unattended, can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety, and the like stemming from their marriage. Since these issues are usually played out in the home, I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the single most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship progresses, or rather, fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment and futility become entrenched, and faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed, and their husbands fail to supply that need. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men, unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs, perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. At least at an unexpected level, they are begging for someone to show them a better way to relate to their wives. In these cases, the potential for counseling success is very strong. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating, but she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit; if he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can, frankly, be emotionally abusive.
It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions and would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem; therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore; so what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane.
He then—and this is a key—begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion, a distraction—in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, to get rid of them, for he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions or even, to some extent, downplaying them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious; she certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level that she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful: the silent treatment, pretended agreement, constant forgetfulness, procrastination, laziness, temper outbursts, work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment, to prevent the boat from rocking, you see, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying, persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays. If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists, and the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. He avoids commitment and personal accountability. A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability, and that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of, so he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance—exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden; the wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied (in other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice). The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship, for a thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused. With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear, and that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down, so he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics; it must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs—a stable leader—for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance. Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two.something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync. Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing, something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands but are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time, but she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction: an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal. Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth.
Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books, enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars. They invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life and why they need to make the needed adjustments. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change. Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior—reacting instead of pro-acting—this woman eventually loses heart as she realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized. Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience, and the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves, protesting or cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized. “When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?”
In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
In short, to improve your own satisfaction and happiness, a major step is to put your own house in order. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. And even if you do not experience the adjustments in your mate that you have hoped for, you will still be a more stable and content individual. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
The above edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner Preview or purchase this book now.
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you want to read this book along with your spouse (if he desires to do so) Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
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(USA) Laurie, I read your post and I cried. I feel such empathy for you. My father was very much like your husband in that my mother was sick for a long time. He just was not there for her as he should have been. My sister, who is a non-believer, has never forgiven my father for this and my father was also unfaithful to my mother during her battle with cancer. I also have a memory of sexual abuse from my father, that until recently, I deliberately chose to forget as a child.
I forgive my father because he is my father and the Lord calls us to honor and forgive our parents unconditionally as He does for us, His called. My father has since passed away and we never spoke about his treatment of my mother and his marriage. He left this world knowing I loved him.
I am now married to a wonderful man who was raised in a very undemonstrative home. No one touched anyone affectionately nor mentioned loving each other when he was a child. When I get sick, he is not compassionate with me. He looks at me almost in disgust. I am and always have been a nurturer so it hurts when my husband is not.
From reading and prayer, I think that the way to get through to my husband is leading through example and patience. But, in the meantime, God is my comfort and my soothing peace when my husband falls short. After all, humankind is always failing – we even fail ourselves. But, He never fails us…He is at our side EVERY SECOND. After all, isn’t the Lord’s perfect comfort unequaled by man?
And, I really hesitate to say this because I know you wish no ill will on your husband, but vengeance is the Lord’s. He alone chooses the hour and manner. Nothing happens that doesn’t pass through His hands first.
God bless you, Laurie. I prayed today for the Lord to bless you and your husband in whatever you both may be needing today and always. Sylvia
(USA) Sylvia- Thank you so much for your encouraging and loving words. Especially, thank you for your prayers. The only thing keeping me afloat these days is the knowledge that Jesus loves me despite my husband’s lack of emotion. I can only believe that I am in this empty relationship for a reason, one that will not become clear until we are in paradise. I suppose most people would have walked out of this relationship years ago, but I have hung in there ONLY because of my conviction and love for the Lord.
God is my husband and He has surrounded me by so many wonderful other people in my life. I am truly blessed with so many friends, wonderful grown children (whom I am very proud of), and coworkers who are like family. So, I believe that God has brought all of these wonderful people in my life to compensate for the neglect from my husband.
When I had my stroke, the florist truck came to my house constantly!! I laughed, saying that our house looked like a funeral parlor because of all of the flowers! So… if we are faithful, God is true to us and will take care of our needs. Yes, it would be wonderful to feel the “love and affection” from a man, but this life is temporal and what really counts is eternity. Thank you for your prayers.
(USA) THANK YOU! I am not alone! I am not insane! My life has gotten so frustrating and the depression too that last night I thought suicide was a way out! I am married for 5 years (together for 18) to a man who is so unavailable!
We had sex 4 times in the first 2 years and nothing since! I have begged, I have cried, I have threatened! Nothing I say can express how lonely I am! He simply stares at me and refuses to respond. Or he just mumbles that he’ll “prove how much he loves me” and that’s the end of it. I am financially unable to leave and have recently had some medical issues that makes leaving impossible. I have moved into another bedroom and gave my wedding ring back and told him I would not wear it until he decided to commit to this marriage.
I don’t know if I can tolerate sitting beside him in church with all this anger! It feels wrong! Everyone who knows him thinks he is this wonderful person, and in many ways he is. He is always available to other people whether it’s co-workers, his family and friends, anyone but me. I have prayed for an answer. I have prayed for wisdom to deal with it differently.
I know he visits porn sites often and he doesn’t understand why that’s a problem. I have received nothing more than a kiss on the cheek daily for years now. He has started to ignore hygiene unless he’s going out to work. Getting close to him is unpleasant because he actually smells bad and I’m convinced that he does this on purpose to keep me away since I have pointed it out and he does nothing. I try to avoid being home when he’s there to avoid confrontation that just makes it worse for me.
I will confess that I purchased a “toy” because I am so frustrated! He found it and literally threw it in my face and said” I guess you’re not so high and mighty either.” I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse. It took me years of therapy to accept my sexuality and have something like a normal life. He has made me feel ashamed and quilty all over again, the way I felt as a child. I feel like this pain will completely destroy me!
My self-esteem is shattered again and I don’t think I have the strength to rebuild it. I also know that feeling this shame, I could never let him touch me again even he wanted to. I am so lost, but so grateful to all of you here for making me realize I’m not alone!
(USA) I am in a bad place (emotionally) in my life right now. I’ve been emotionally abandoned by my husband, years ago; I’ve been trying to hold a marriage together that simply won’t work. He cheated before we got married but yet I still married him. Here we are 8 years later and in the same place because he’s continually cheated the entire time.
I can’t seem to get any conversation from him, not just concerning the cheating, but about our issues in general. He seems to be very insensitive to my hurt and pain. I’ve tried talking to him when it’s just us, without the kids but he won’t even talk then. He just ignores me. The only time he responds is when I ask him “when is he leaving or what will it take for him to leave?” I’m giving up because I can’t do this by myself.
(US) THIS IS REALLY GOOD ADVICE AND A LOT OF THINGS DISCUSSED IS RIGHT ON THE MONEY. I’VE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND SINCE I WAS 13 (NOW AM 25) AND I WAS AFRAID HE WAS MAYBE OUTGROWING ME. HE’S ALWAYS SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH ME TIL JUST RECENTLY AND IT SEEMS NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, HE JUST WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I DON’T BELIEVE AT ALL THAT HE’S UNFAITHFUL, BUT I’VE NEVER FELT SO HURT IN MY LIFE AS I DO NOW.
I GUESS I’M TOO EMOTIONALLY EAGER. ALTHOUGH I’VE NEVER REALLY BEEN THAT WAY TIL NOW. IT SEEMS THAT YOU ARE BETTER OFF TO BE A MAN BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH EMOTIONS. I WILL DO MY SOUL SEARCHING AND SEE WHAT BECOMES OF IT. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I JUST WISH I KNEW WHAT GOES ON IN HIS HEAD.
(USA) I’ve enjoyed reading this article very much. My husband and I have been married almost 10 years and we cycle horribly. Just as things seem to be going good he will start making “friends” with a woman. She is usually a needy woman that latches onto him, and he seems to enjoy that a great deal. Often the relationship leads to flirting and excessive texting and calling. 2 times that I know of it has led to him starting down the road to an affair (kissing, dinner, etc).
In summer of 2007 my husband was activated to the Guard and deployed. For a while we actually became closer than we ever have. Constant emails, phone calls, we were talking to each other more than we probably would when we lived in the same house.
In November 2008, our world came crumbling down
On November 20th our 3 year old son was life-flighted from his daycare after having a seizure and becoming unresponsive. For hours they worked on him, finally getting him to wake up and giving me the devastating news that he had a brain tumor.
My husband rushed home from overseas and we began to battle. My husband never wanted to be too involved in the treatment process. He would often just say “you’re doing it, I trust you”. But our relationship became non-existent as I stayed at the hospital for days, then would switch with him so I could have at least 1 day home with our other 3 children each week.
Then in April of 09 our son, Armstrong, had a seizure right in front of both of us. We saw him take his last breath. It was shocking to both of us since we had just finished surgeries and radiation and were set for a long road of chemotherapy, etc.
Armstrong’s death was sudden, yet not unexpected. As he was diagnosed with a brain tumor that was quickly regrowing every time it was taken out and was taking up most of his left hemisphere.
My husband has never been able to handle his emotions well. Often in the past when I have been in the midst of great emotional turmoil he basically just checks out. At the birth of our children. I was often in great pain afterward and he would act as if I was a burden to him. He would often start talking to women during that time.
On the night we had our son’s funeral. My husband was there for me during the service. Then as the people left he began what has now been a 3 month journey to a social networking site. He set up his profile. Began talking to people who genuinely cared about our family. And that first night sat at his computer for hours and hours. When I asked him to help tuck the kids in it was like he snapped. Screaming swear words at me and saying he would just get a divorce if I didn’t like him spending so much time talking to his “friends”.
It has been a rough 3 months emotionally for both of us. One of my husbands “friends” has also lost her son to cancer recently. She is extremely depressed and has a husband who is on the road as a truck driver. He has been there to support her, often talking to her for hours at a time, sending her hundreds of text messages a day.
When I came upon a short last few messages from them on the computer I was shocked. He had given her a sentence for sentence recount of a recent argument we had. And she was saying how horrible I was and she didn’t feel comfortable coming to visit us (I have since told her she wasn’t allowed to visit us). But I was shocked that my husband even participated in the conversation with her. He never said anything bad about me, but didn’t defend me or stop her from saying horrible things. In fact, later that day I had asked our pastor to come visit because my husband had gotten so upset I found that conversation he was threatening to leave. He even said to our pastor he was 95% sure he didn’t want to be part of this marriage.
Yet 1 day later, he appeared to have calmed down. He was walking with us at the fair and seems perfectly content in our marriage.
I have been asking him to see a doctor about some depression medicine since he has been so irritable at everyone. And he is finally agreed to that.
But overall I just can’t see how we can ever get happiness if he is spending so much of his energy trying to make other people happy and so little on his family. One day I heard him actually bragging that he sent/received over 6,000 text messages last month. Even at a few seconds each…that is over 20 hours of time a month!
Our children as well as myself would love to just have 1 hour a week where he actually tried to concentrate on our family.
Thanks for your input. This situation has been bothering me more and more lately.
(USA) Lindsay, I read your post and it broke my heart. I am so very sorry that you lost your little boy, Armstrong. Rest assured that he is resting in the arms of Jesus and is happy and at peace. You and your husband just need to deal with the grief now. It is hard work. I lost my little girl 24 years ago and I still feel the pain. But I do know that she is safe in Heaven and is waiting for me.
I will tell you that many of my marital problems, such as my husband being distant, began after her death. So many terrible things happen to a couple when they lose a child. Nothing is ever the same. However, you can choose to let this terrible, dark time in your life to eat you away and continue to cause destruction (exactly what Satan wants), or you can choose to accept that the Lord can, and will, bring good out of this very bad event in your life (Romans 8:28).
The Lord led me to that verse when my daughter died and we have it engraved on her tombstone. I believe that we have to make a conscious decision to forge ahead and do God’s will for us in this life… once finished, your dear son will be there in paradise waiting for you. Death no longer has its sting for you. When you pass, you will have peace knowing you will be reunited with Armstrong. This is exactly how I feel and what has kept me sane all these past 24 years. May God bless you and keep you during this very difficult time. I will pray for you.
(ZIMBABWE) Please allow moments of prayer in your lifetime and allow God to heal the wounds and bind the broken heart in your family – for with God all things are possible, if you only believe. God bless
(INDIA) I so much agree with all that has been shared on this website…yet I feel that every relationship is somewhat the same and a bit different from the others… so is the case with my story. My husband is very loving but I fail to see any respect in his eyes for me.
In the relationship I am always to give way for his needs and demands although I feel that emotionally, monetarily, or physically my demands are not being met. I am a well educated, financially independent women andIi am expecting equal say in our relationship… I fail to understand why that is wrong.
It has been 5 years into our marriage and we still are not comfortable discussing financial issues. I can’t share any unpleasant issues regarding his family with him for the fear of being mistaken. He doesn’t share his day to day life, worries, or happiness with me at all. It seems like his friends and parents know more about his life than I do. Because his priorities are always his parents and family first then why am I expected to make him as my No. 1 priority? Lately we have stopped communicating to each other and limit ourselves to the bare hi-hello communication. I feel suffocated and do not know which way to go!!! Please help…
(USA) Shuci. I really want to be of some help. I know what it means not to be able to have a say or participate in the very important issues like financial issues. It’s hard to watch things with serious consequences happening and you can’t stop them or give an opinion that will be heard. That’s one of the many ways the devil is destroying marriages because spouses live independently of each other.
I don’t know how much you follow biblical principles but I would encourage you to apply them because they have really helped me. Think about the following points/suggestions. I am assuming you want to save the marriage and I believe men can change (Do you remember the Bible verse that says spouses can save each other to God because of their patience and prayer?)
1. Wives are to submit to their husbands even if it feels unfair etc-leave the consequences to God. (Men respond very well to submissive behaviour. With time he will give you the recognition you deserve.)
2. Do not give an impression that you can do without your husband. Men are the natural providers according to God and they like to feel that way. Give him that position in the home and make him feel appreciated and honored regardless of how much you can support yourself.
3. Try to get involved in the affairs between your husband and his family. This means participating and being supportive in things that you probably don’t agree with. Right now he may be thinking you don’t like his family at all. Turn the situation around by showing a little bit of interest. With time he will value your views.
4. Because the husband is the heard, he wants to have the final say in decision making. Give him that position and he will know you respect him. That’s all he wants to know. He will value you more after realizing your change of behaviour
5. Give your time to the Word of God in the meantime. This will give you peace and joy whilst God works with your husband.
6. Look ahead, focus on the promises of God. Don’t take any notice or be offended at the wrong things that are happening now. They will be done away with.
I will write you more about the communication problem if you have found this to be helpful… Believe me, the path to joy seem
(US) Shuci, I know that suffocating feeling as well. It seems at times to be absolutely unbearable. Come to the conclusion that they will never change. Please, please, learn to take care of yourself. It’s been a long journey for me, but I’m starting to actually “get it” now.
(FIJI) Hi Everyone, I feel I am too young to join in the discussion but I need your help and support as you are like my mothers and sisters who have already been through such things. You have gained experience throughout years and therefore would be able to shed some light on my situation. I am just 21 years but I have been married for 2 1/2 years now. I had some problems with my in laws. They were ill treating me, and my husband would not stand up for me or defend me.
Recently he started to spend more time with his family than me and would not listen to my emotional needs. I needed him as a support as I had no one to turn to in that house other than him. Everyone was against me but he never reacted. It’s just been a week since I moved back in with my parents and we are praying really hard for my husband so that God speaks to him and changes his heart and that he may realise that God’s word says “for this reason a man shall leave his father and mothet and be united to his wife.” But my husband says he would rather leave me than his parents.
I don’t mean to be selfish. I even told him that we could rent some where and I would look after his needs and pay the rent while he could entirely support his family. I told him he could visit them whenever he wants to and spend all he earns to satisfy them but I just want him to be with me and I want our marriage to live on.
He said at first that he would think about it and let me know but now after 3 days of this discussion, I feel he is avoiding me. He would not answer my calls and says that I am disturbing him. I am so hurt by this behaviour and so confused since all this is happening so suddenly. This is not only affecting me physically and mentally but also our church work as we are the youth presidents of our church.
I know God will speak to his heart and will change him and very soon he will come back to me “for what God has joined together no man shall separate ” but this period of waiting is killing me. I sometimes think, why God is taking so long? But I know that his time is the best for me, so while I wait for God to do a miracle in my life and turn situations around by changing my husbands heart, can anyone please tell me the reason why he is silent?
He does not want to talk to me? Why is he avoiding me? I need answers to this for physical support and emotional strength. My spirit is strong and I am confident that My God will not let me down. But satan tries in many ways to over power and dishearten me so this is where your support and ideas would be an encouragement for me to face the devil and attain victory.
Love and blessings, RD
(USA) Hi Ranjeshni, The first years of marriage can either be very good or not because of the realities brought by the extended families & other ties that undermine the importance of your marriage. Like you say, the ideal thing would be for your husband to focus on the new family first and foremost and then extend his assistance to the extended family not at the expense of you and your children.
Unfortunately, the world is not like that and the only thing we can change is how we react to these common problems. I have been through experiences similar to yours and I must say it’s an ongoing struggle but you don’t have to fight it alone. God will do it the “righteous way”. If not properly dealt with, it will cause you and your husband:
1. to be independent of each other,
2. to be partial with respect to his & your side of the family
3. to be secretive about dealings with family
4. Unfruitfulness in finances because you don’t agree and plan togeher
5. Your husband will despise your family and you his, openly
6. Big decision making without each other’s consent
*Over the years, one may buy houses without the other even knowing. At that point a divorce would be likely. Though you’d live in the same house, you’d be separated in the important things; and a divided house cannot stand.
So what does the Bible say: a wise woman builds her house but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands?
The first thing is to acknowledge that there is a big problem that only God can solve. I want my marriage to be saved so I pray and do not compromise the word of God. This way I am paving the way for God to work his miracle, the righteous way. We obey his word & believe that his instruction will lead us to victory.
The second thing I did was to put myself in his shoes. I acknowledge the following:
1. He loves his family very much and he has been with them more time than he has with me. So the ties are strong and I have to “handle them with care”.
2.Criticising his family causes him to be defensive and it actually drives him further away. The more I do this or any attempt to alienate his family, I become the “enemy” to his family (him included).
3. Depending on individuals, it may take a while before he realises that I am his new family and we are stuck on each other.
4.During the early years, if he is asked to choose between me and his family, he would choose his family (I confess I would probably do the same with my family for the same reasons).
The list goes on….
This is more likely early in marriage, before we have shared enough experiences that really bond us into a family (which he will value and make his first priority). It’s a time thing and can be shortened by how we respond to problems and our attempts to “build” the marriage with God as our guide and head.
So what do we do:
1. Pray incessantly for Godly internvention for you to survive the problems associated with the early years.
2. Don’t stay in disagreement, learn to compromise and be united in everything. That way the devil won’t have any room to separate you. Make mistakes together and come out of them together (win together and lose together-that makes you grow closer). Don’t say “I told you so”, he is the head and should not feel like a failure.
3. Acknowledge his headship by respecting him and making him the final decision maker.
4. Be on his side and try to rebuild that trust and bond again. Gradually he won’t see you as trying to steal him away from his family.
5. Don’t criticise his family; it’s a sensitive issue. Talk to God about such problems.
6. Try to be involved in the dealings between him and his family (Be supportive even when you don’t always agree -he will learn from his mistakes).
Now that you are separated, I suggest you work towards a reconcilliation so that you will go and and face the problems together. Though the separation may give him a wake up call, there is no guarantee. And you don’t know what his family is telling him now. I think the best thing is to pray to be reunited and for God to work the problem in a peaceful way without you having to separate and attract unwanted attention.
If &/or when you go back, let God take care of your emotional needs by spending time in the Word. This will make you focus on good thoughts and will turn the circumstances around. Don’t take any notice of offence, remember God is watching and he will relieve you soon.
I understand you want to live in your own house soon, but take it one step at a time (whatever keeps you united is the way forward). Don’t leave that house without him. It may be years before you reunite again if at all. Do it together and he will come back to his senses as you pray about it. Hope you find this helpful.
(FIJI) Thanks for your kind support Lo. I am really very encouraged and blessed. God is good and he has already begun to show his miracles in my life. I was fasting and praying all day yesterday and I tell you it really touches God’s heart when his children faithfully commit their lives and odd situations into his hands. A pastor just called me after speaking to my husband and advised that all my husband needed was a bit of counseling as he was too confused to think what he should do next.
He agreed to live with me and upon asking he said he still loved me. I feel like crying… God is a miracle working God. I claimed my husband yesterday in Jesus’ name and spoke to God by quoting all the Bible verses where he said he will fulfill all our heart desires, and today… I can see God’s hand at work in my life. Although I have just received only this message BUT no action yet, I strongly believe that God has already started to turn things around for me… and I also believe that if God can do it for me he can do it for anyone!! Thanks for you prayers for my life.
(USA) Dear Ranjeshni, Lo gave you some very good advice (that I agree with almost entirely), but I have a few additional points I’d like for you to prayerfully consider.
The first is to realize that you are not “too young to join in the discussion” on this web site or any other. You are married, and that means you are dealing with issues that takes a leaning towards maturity. Please feel free to share that which you are learning. I’m sure we will all benefit greatly.
As to what you are going through in your marriage, I have to say that my heart goes out to you. This has got to be very confusing and disheartening. Your husband is supposed to be married to you — not his family. We have a whole section of our web site titled “Dealing with Parents” that you (and if possible, your husband) should read through (if you haven’t already) to get a Biblical perspective on this issue.
I especially recommend it because you said that you are “presidents” of the youth of your church. It’s ESPECIALLY important for you to work through your marriage issues in a biblical manner. You have an influence on these young minds. Marriage is near and dear to God’s heart. It is pointed throughout the Bible that marriage is a living example of God’s love for the church (with Christ as the Bridegroom and the church as His bride). So it’s important that you live out your married lives as a living testimony of God’s love working through your relationship to each other.
Also know that because you have a visible position in the church, the enemy of our faith has put an invisible bulls eye on your marriage to try to take it down. If your marriage fails, others will be influenced by it. We’re told in 1 Peter 5:8-9 to be on the “alert” and to “resist” because as a lion, the enemy is waiting to “devour” us. He wants to hurt God’s heart and His Kingdom work as well.
If your husband won’t talk to you and deal with this matter for any other reason, he should at least be open to talking to you and treating you in an Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 manner, because of his position as a biblical leader in your church.
It seems as if your husband wants the POSITION of being a husband and a “president” of your youth, but he doesn’t want to live those positions out in biblical ways. And that just isn’t reality. You shouldn’t commit to that which you won’t strive to do God’s way.
Culturally and emotionally your husband may feel tied to take care of his parents, and that is all well and good. But it isn’t biblical to put them over you in his priorities.
I’ve been reading a book titled “Marriage on the Rock” (with the Rock symbolizing Jesus Christ). The author, Jimmy Evans addresses this very subject. When discussing the Law of Priority from the Bible in Genesis 2:24 which states, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother”, (the verse you referred to in your comment) — he wrote:
“When God designed the marriage covenant, He did so with the intent that this special commitment between a man and a woman would be more important than any other human relationship. That is the reason God commanded man to leave his father and mother when he became a husband.
“Before a person marries, the most important human relationship bond is with his or her parents. So God told man to ‘leave’ his parents in order to properly ‘cleave’ to his wife. The ‘leaving’ does not mean one should abandon or abuse one’s parents in order to honor God’s requirements for marriage. If that was what God meant in Genesis 2:24, then the Word contradicts itself! In the Old and New Testaments, the admonition to honor your father and mother (see Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16; Matthew 15:4; Matthew 19:19) is one of the ten commandments.
“In fact, in Ephesians 6:2, Paul wrote that this commandment is the first one with a promise: ‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth’ (Ephesians 6:3). The word ‘leave’ in Genesis 2:24 is the Hebrew word azab, which literally means ‘to loosen or relinquish.’ So when God said that a man should leave his father and mother when he married, God meant that a man was to relinquish the highest position of commitment and devotion previously given to his parents in order to give that position to his wife.
“God did not mean a man was to stop honoring his parents. That was an admonition to last throughout their lifetimes. However, at the time of his marriage, a man’s parents were to be released into a lower-priority position in his life. His wife hereafter was to come first. It is possible to do that and yet honor and respect [and be supportive of] one’s parents, or God would not have said to do it. Of course, the same instructions apply to the wife.
“To put it simply, God designed marriage to operate as the second most important priority in life, coming next to your personal relationship with Him. If we put marriage in any position of priority other than the one God has instituted, the marriage does not work [as it should].”
I quote all this to say that your husband needs to reconsider his stand on making his parents his first priority over you. It may make sense to him culturally and because he loves them, but it flies against what Jesus told husbands and wives to do. If he doesn’t move on this then you may need to apply the Matthew 18 principle (as shown in Matthew 18:15-17), where you eventually go to your pastor and he and possibly someone else will need to confront him as well (and you will need to resign your position as a leading couple at the church until things change within your husband’s heart and the way he treats you).
Ranjeshni, I don’t say this to bring you down further. I pray you will instead use this time to strengthen yourself in the Lord. As you apply the principles in Philippians 4:4-9 and others, you will work to put your focus on that which will bring peace. Even in the eye of the storm, there is peace — especially when you focus on all God CAN do and will do, despite the chaos around you.
Some verses that have helped me in turbulent times is found in Isaiah 26:3-4, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.” He is your Rock. Cling to Him… not all the shifting stuff going on around you. Apply Proverbs 3:5-6 and don’t lean on your own understanding. God IS working… you may not see it, and it may take MUCH longer than you think, and the results may be much different than you think they should be, but trust in His heart that He loves you and will work on your behalf.
One more thing, please don’t make promises you can’t keep with your husband. I love your heart that you told him you are willing to financially and physically support your household so he can use his entire paycheck to support his parents. That’s very generous, but it may not always be possible, as much as you want it to be that way. If you get injured or ill and can only work part time or maybe not at all, or you have children and feel God’s pull to stay home more so you won’t be bringing in enough money to support the household, you won’t be able to keep that promise and then your marriage may be in peril the direction your husband’s mindset is at this time.
And if you eventually need your husband around more (because of a sick child or whatever), you don’t want to promise your husband that he can just go off and visit his parents whenever he wants to. Again, it’s a promise you may not be able to keep because things have a way of eventually changing and you will need as marital partners to work together for the betterment of all concerned — not allowing his mother and father to be his top priority.
If BOTH of you, after praying about it, decide it is God’s will that while it’s possible a certain amount can go to help his family, and as long as things don’t change, that is something that can be done, then that would be fine. But to make the previous promise a precedent when your husband’s priorities aren’t lined up biblically (and he isn’t making sure his family recognizes the biblical way it is supposed to be), then you are building your home upon shifting sand (as pointed out in Matthew 7:24-27). There could be a huge crash eventually.
Keep praying and petitioning God to open your husband’s eyes and heart to HIS way of living out your marriage. Keep praying for wisdom and directing your focus on God and work to strengthen your relationship with Him so that whatever comes your way, you will be able to survive — no matter what, without completely crumbling. I encourage you to do so. Please know that my heart and prayers are with you. May God bless you ABUNDANTLY!!!
(FIJI) Hello Cindy, Thank you so much for you love and support. Those Bible verses were really very helpful and I know it will be a strong foundation for me as I step into future challenges. I really appreciate your advice about not making all those promises to my husband as I won’t be always able to fulfill them. I never thought of it before. Thanks a lot for reminding me to reconsider. This site has been very, very helpful during the past week.
I will encourage my husband and will print this page for him so he can read and understand where you are trying to take him through God’s word and his biblical principles. I know that God is already turning things around for me and no matter how much doubt satan brings in my mind, I will stay firm with my faith in my creator, my bestest best friend, the LORD JESUS CHRIST!! I have learned that when we claim with Bible scriptures, how powerful God is. All bondage’s start to break, a new light begins to shine, and peace fills our heart.
Thank you for praying for me. I will be needing more prayers from you all, that God will keep on blessing me and making me a witness to all who are going through situations like these. God Bless, RD