He is a civilian defence contractor (in and out of Afghanistan) and he often tells me to take it or leave it. He is only home for one month out of every four if he is lucky.

Everyone else is allowed to tell him he is losing it except for me. I am really hurting here between him and adult children that have no respect for me.

I am the way I am (always seeking approval) because of my childhood. I want so badly to overcome this lack of communication and I am absolutely a person that is eager for affection and simply for my husband to be nice to me. A kind word goes so far with me it is a joke. I know God is so much bigger than this. I pray and ask that you all stand with me in prayer for a healing in my marriage and the others seeking education here but more than that seeking hope. In His love- T.

Even in hard times you can get comfort from doing the will of God. It feels good to do what God instructed us to do even when it hurts or seems unfair to 1 Peter 2:19-20. Don’t let the evil being done influence you too into doing wrong. See 3 John 1:11. We can only quench fire with water and win our husbands over without a word. 1 John 5:14-15.

Your marriage was blessed by God, and “what God has joined together let no man set apart”. So, if we are to please God we are to fight against all of the devil’s schemes to create division. These come in the way of thoughts, anger, endless disagreements etc. The fact is: our battle is against evil spirits and because most times we are absorbed by this physical world, we get angry at the same people we are supposed to love instead of praying for their deliverance from evil.

Your husband hasn’t been of much help in the home as you expected. I advice you to change your focus to the good things that he does. This is practise for you to learn to love and appreciate him again unconditionally (for better for worse). This may not be easy, but it will come effortlessly once you dedicate yourself more to the word of God and prayer thus allowing his Holy spirit to work on you. Trust me, the change of heart will come naturally. You will have a new perspective of things and love for your husband enough to help him out of this phase of his life. For now, even if he doesn’t appreciate what you do around the house, you dedicate all you do as unto the Lord who sees everything and will reward you. 1 Peter 4:19 1 Peter 3:12.

The Bible is just the resource to help you. Please forgive your husband and start working with God for the healing of your marriage.

My husband and I have been together for almost 25 years, and we fit the types in this article to a “T”. In some ways it helps, and in some ways it makes me so incredibly angry. I wish I could Biblically divorce him. But he doesn’t cheat, so that’s not an option. I am praying that I can find and obey God’s will through all this, but honestly I am exceptionally tempted to treat him exactly the way he’s treated me over the past 24 years. Or just leave and abandon him – but no divorce.

His responsibility, as he apparently sees it, is mainly to work his job, come home, eat, get sex, and do whatever he feels like. The things he doesn’t feel like are cooking, cleaning, banking/budgeting, paying bills, running errands, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, dealing with the children, helping with livestock, grocery shopping, or in general being considerate of anyone but himself. To be honest, he does occasionally do building projects, vehicle maintenance, or mechanical/handyman -type chores around the house, but only when he feels like it’s something HE is motivated to do. If it’s something I ask him to do, he will usually put it off as long as possible ’til either I get fed up and try to do it myself, or ask/pay someone else to do it for me. If it’s something I am motivated to do, he’s not obliged; but if it’s something HE thinks needs done, by jolly, then everybody best get off their behinds and help him do it!

I am sick of sex, because it’s all about him and his needs – including his insistence on my “satisfaction”. I think he just wants his own personalized porn show, because I surely know I mean nothing to him. Many times I’d wished he’d cheat so not only could I Biblically divorce him, but also so that I could escape his sole “attention” to me.

I know I have done my fair share of damage to the marriage, but I begged him for us to do counseling on numerous occasions throughout the marriage from very early on. He always says “well, what is a counselor going to say or do that would help?” He is the soul of Christian compassion with everyone else outside our home, but seems to have no heart for anyone within the four walls of the house we live in. I have gotten to the despair and depression stage of the game, and he belittles me for my depression, saying “you are a Christian, you have no right to be depressed.” Heaven forbid I ever cry, for that just makes him angry and disgusted. I am trying to divorce myself from feelings, because all I seem to do anymore is hurt. I have prayed to die.

The most laughable thing is that during one of his little tirades last night, he asked me where my compassion was for someone else! That since God has showed us compassion, it is my duty to do nothing less – never mind that he’s shown precious little compassion to me. It is incredibly hard not to think what a total hypocrite he is. If anyone has constructive advice, I’d love to hear it.

There is certainly no way of knowing everything about someone until you start living with them. When I felt there was some emotional distance in my marriage I made a decision. Divorce was out of the question for I made a vow to God that it would be for better or for worse. Therefore, I had to learn to live in this situation and make the home comfortable and welcoming to two different personalities.

Whilst God is at work, we have to train ouselves for self control and patience in preparation for trying times. This will ensure we stay under control no matter how somebody infuriates or makes life difficult for us. This is achieved my finding time for the word of God and putting all that grieves us in prayer.

Consider the following from my experience:

1. I realized people are different. My husband is genereally the silent type. Among other things, you can attribute this to his genes or the way he was brought up. Therefore, I do not call this a problem, but it’s his nature that I have to accept as part of him. So when he is silent, I don’t imagine what he is thinking or that he is ignoring me.

2. Actions speak louder than words. Instead of talking him into holding my hand I initiate affection many times like hugs etc. (he does too sometimes in his own way). This becomes a norm and we enjoy these without putting much thought as to who started it.

3. I don’t know if it’s just me but I have noticed that married people after a while, seem to look alike. I guess it’s because of mannerisms that they copy from each other. We can’t change people but can influence them in a good way. The more we spent time with them even in the boring things that interest them the more we learn and appreciate them. We have to work at developing the same interests and share our joy. Compromise (in a good way) is important.

4. If he/she is not cooperating in your efforts to bring peace in the home, you do your best by overlooking offense and pray for the sake of your feelings. A defensive person may not learn by us talking to them. If you peacefully ignore their deliberate efforts to infuriate you, it’s unlikely that they will do that again.

5. Accepting your spouse as they are without showing contempt for the way they were brought up or their interests is important. They should not feel you are judging or watching them. Let them be and allow them to open up. This makes it easier to learn to communicate with you without being too careful. Participate in their own comfort zone. The next time you say something constructive, surely they will listen.

6. Because they are emotionally distant, don’t expect too much in the way of comfort etc otherwise you will be dissapointed. For now that’s the way it is but as you grow together and learn from each other, the situation will improve. Right now, I know I can cry to my God in prayer and he can see me.

I realized I had been working my mind too hard in trying to “correct” the situation. Patience in prayer is important and it allows for firm foundations in our relationships as we develop peacefully at the pace we are comfortable with.

My spirit was totally crushed and I don’t know what to do anymore. I have prayed hard and fasted but it seemed like it got worse. Often times he’s blaming me for our marriage which hurt me the most. I feel really guilty and he made my self esteem low. Why are some spouses are happy while others have to suffer from misery and devastation? I am really depressed and I wanted to feel anger but I don’t know what to feel anymore. I have faith in God and trusted Him with my marriage to restore but in times like this I am really wondering if God listens to our prayers and why He called us to be married with this kind of a spouse? God bless us all.

The only thing I saw recommended about power was how to preserve your own power as a woman. You see, you give your power away if you take on the problems of another person. So if you try to own their problems, that is power you give away. No man (or woman) can ever take power from you. You have to give it up.

In that sense, someone who feels powerless has to examine his/her own behaviors to see where they gave away their power.

Typically dysfunction is not just in one person, but both persons in the marriage. So the struggle is not over someone taking power from you, but that you are willing to give it away.

And this is not just a behavior engaged in by women. Men give away power too. Many allow their wives to dominate emotionally, where they have the relative power. As the author alluded to, growing the relationship seems to be the goal of the woman. The power we’ve giving away is that it seems the feminine model of relationships is regarded as the superior model.

The man’s way of approaching relationships is being invalidated. Men go along with that, giving away their power. Men are called emotionally distant, and we buy that lie. Men are NOT emotionally distant. They simply express their emotions differently and in different circumstances. If I don’t break down in a weepy mess of tears after watching some romantic “chick flick” that doesn’t prove that I’m emotionally distant. I might start cheering when my team or my child scores a goal, or a touch down or a home run. Look male emotions.

I may not get so excited about a candle lit dinner, but when my wife makes my toes curl, wow, there are intense emotions. If I get angry about something, that too is an emotion. Yet men are cautioned about sharing their emotions. We are told anger is bad, so we buy that lie and hide it, and then after our wives tell us anger is bad, they wonder why we don’t open up.

Hello? We did open up and we were told it wasn’t welcome. So when guys buy that lie, we give away our power. I’m not saying we should be cruel or abusive, or expect things to go our way all the time.

If you want your husband to be emotionally close, then get close to the emotions he does express. There are few if any “Mr Spocks” out there. Guys are emotional. So stop spreading the lie they are not, and start joining in when he is emotional.

If he’s mad, let him be mad. If he’s cheering the kids or his team, then join in, and don’t just call it a “stupid game” Oh, and NEVER tell him he SHOULDN’T feel that way. There is no quicker way to close off that emotional bridge than to tell him that he should not feel what he says he’s feeling.

By doing so sends the message that you don’t care what he’s feeling, you want to control or dictate how and what he SHOULD or SHOULDN’T feel. That doesn’t mean accepting bad behavior. But it does mean validating what he feels and making it emotionally safe for him to share his feelings, even the ugly ones.

The one fear I have is that once I get the councelling I need and find a job, and I will have to leave and not come back. I have so much love for him and it is the most painful thing I have thought of, but I find that I am so starved for the intimacy that he shared with me 22 years ago, that my healing will be the beginning of the end of my life with him.

I want to be in his life forever, but not this way, and if I have to compromise myself anymore, I may end up leaving. I know he loves me but he has never believed in my love for him. The above article has been very cleansing and I found that it has put all that I have been feeling into perspective. My heart breaks because he has and will be the only love for me, but I can’t seem to reach him. It is like he died or checked out and I have lived with it for years and it has affected my spirit for life.

I don’t even think that my children know what I was like before I met him. In fact, it has crossed my mind that he has misrepresented me to our children and his mother, and they are thinking that I am creating trouble where there is none. He has indicated some things to me as if it were the thoughts of others, but I believe it was his way of telling me that it was his thoughts. He is beginning to admit some of the things that I have discussed with him in the past and he has denied and arguments ensue.

I have come to the realization, that I only want to live the rest of my days in peace, so I will seek whatever means necessary to accomplish this. I pray to the Lord daily to help us to find each other again. I am willing and ready to change what I can that are issues for him if it will help us. I love him with all of my heart and soul; however, wherever this may lead us, back to each other or perhaps other options, I can only hope to become one with him some day before I die. I want to know what true love feels like, and we have never really had that yet between us. I only want that with him because I feel that we have worked so hard for so long to figure it all out. I want true love to be our reward for having stayed together and seeing it through. He is a wonderful human being that has the right to know what being free really feels like. I am a good person who deserves to have total peace and love the way I have always dreamed.

God speed. Thanks for letting me express myself, I need to do that every day. In God’s name. Please help us, Laura

I don’t know if your husband will ever change. It is clear that you need to get out and do something to make yourself less reliant on him.

My husband does show more respect to his other friends than he does me and that really hurts. I often think that he is doing this out of fear of what I might actually become. He knows my potential and I do too but for some reason I keep hiding myself from everyone.

I want to raise myself and stand up to him and tell him what a jerk he really is but for some reason i keep feeling pity for him. I feel that if I don’t let him stay in control then I will shatter his world. I know it is pretty weird… but he is intimidated by me and I know that. He is intimidated by my success and that whatever I put my mind to do, I get it done. I think he is this way because he feels that if I see who I am it will make him less valuable to me. I am praying that God gives me wisdom dealing with him. I do have quite a few things to say to him someday.

Perhaps it similar with your hubby. Perhaps he tries to control and keep you down because he knows what a fighter you are. I will be praying with you hon.

I totally agree with you when you say we are not to neglect ourselves and base our happiness on our husbands’ behaviour. If that was the case there wouldn’t be any hope for most of us. Your hobby doesn’t have to be knitting, just something you enjoy doing that keeps you focused.

But what do you do after dinner before bedtime (The only time of the day with your emotionally distant spouse), when there is sports on TV that you don’t like and you are not ready to go to bed? Would you just sit and get bored or go too early to bed and can’t sleep? I have been angry before in a long football game because I was not watching it but just sitting there. But if I watch and learn more about it, time moves fast and we actually share in the fun. That is what we want at the end of the day isn’t it? Some form of family time (not the way we want it though, but it’s something that has brought us together). For me, leaving the room meant more time spent apart especially in the football season where there is a 3hr game like everyday (and you can’t stop him from watching it).

I like to work on myself and develop a sympathetic view of things happening around me. I can’t change my husband but with my actions and prayer he will be won without a word. Fighting for my opinions may only cause him to fight for his (if he is a defensive person).

If you don’t develop a peaceful approach, you get affected by his actions everytime and resort to solutions which the emotionally distant husband doesn’t want to participate in. Who is hurt at the end of the day? The eager wife. You lose nothing by coming to your husband’s level and learn what’s going on in his world. I don’t think “making my mind up” about my husband will help but causes me to give up on his potential to change.

I understand you are at a mature stage whereby you know what’s right for you and know what to do when your husband is being unreasonable. The Bible says “Do unto others what you want them to do for you”. One of us has to be willing to compromise if we are to be united again. Who better than the believer in the relationship? This won’t be a permanent way of things but probably the first step in the same direction.

I think it becomes a choice and they find it too much effort just like them satisfying their own sexual needs rather than trying to make a sexual realtionship with their spouses. They want what is easy and without effort and when relationships are new they are not only easy but intense and I think that’s what men like. (Correct me if anyone has a different thought here.)

Lo… I too have read the Christian material, was raised in a Christian home just like my husband was. Reading your post about the things you have tried that have a made a difference, it sounds to me like you have been more willing to bend your life around your husband but is that meeting your needs?

I personally would not want to sit and watch football with my husband. He cusses and has fits over the mistakles his team makes so it is better for me to leave the house all together so I don’t get disgusted by his behavior. I am an active person so bringing out my knitting needles while he reads or spends time on the computer is again not for me. If that works for you, you are getting your needs met in the process and you are happy with the outcome of your actions then it works for you but that approach is not me and I would be sacrificing more than now.

One of the points the literature here pointed out and I have read from other sources is that we, the wives, have to find a life for ourselves that will make us happy in our own independence inside the marriage.

Here’s an example if anyone is getting confused. I have had 4 kids leave home and it was so hard for me to see them leave as my world has always focused around my family, everything I did was about them and very little time was put into what I wanted for myself… I put everyone’s needs first. Now with only one child left at home I have started working with flowers, visiting more with friends, and even had a jewelry party at my house not long ago. I am enjoying life for the interests I have and I don’t look at my children or even my husband to complete me. To seek that sort of attention would be the strangle the relationship. Annette

With regards to where he says he wants to stay, don’t challenge him. With the way you described it, i don’t think he really means it, he probably just wants a reaction. If he does, it may not be for long. Just keep praying and entertain his efforts with grace and patience.

I like the fact that he is coming home; his heart is still there. Please do the best you can when he comes and put no pressure on him. With each visit he will sit closer and closer to you so don’t be discouraged with what is happening now (It’s just a matter of time as you pray and work with yourself). Let him be in control of what he is doing. I’m sure he wants to feel that. Be hospitable, make cups of tea etc. HE WILL BE BACK.

I think you are doing very well and it shows because he keeps calling. Keep praying and you will be fine. He may not say the right things in words but I think his actions are apologetic.

I am that eager wife you described… I’m eagar to get things back to normal, but now after reading this I realize why he is behaving “distant” and two days ago I began my jouney to respecting that. He had said he would leave and go to his mother’s house and I could stay there while he sorted things out. I asked him not to at first but then I called him and said I was sorry. I wanted him to be happy and if he wished to go stay at his mom’s house that I would not fight against it. He said okay and that we would talk about it that evening and thank God he didn’t. But I gave him his space.

The next day he left and didn’t say good bye–it hurt but I did not call his cell–and to my surprise he called twice that day to say he called to check on one or all of the children… He came home smiling and communicating with me and the children–so I thought it was safe to take a seat in the living room while he ate dinner and wathced tv… He sat as far as he could from me, ate as fast as he could and then hurried to bed without saying good night and this morning no “good-bye.” It hurt, but I didn’t call him, but he called me to say he’s checking on our son who’s sick and after he asked about him he asked "so how’s everyone else?"

Is he trying to communicate? Should I continue to give him his space?” Because last night I think I went too far by even sitting in the same room with him.

When you are involved with an unbeliever, it can be very difficult or impossible to get some sense into their head. So it’s up to you to set things straight through your reliance on God’s word and prayer. Right now whatever you say to him will be regarded as “criticism” or “nagging” by him. My advice to you will be to stop that for a while and talk to God. I always like to quote the verse about unbeliving husbands being “won without a word”. This has really worked in my marriage.

This is what I did and still do:

1. I absorbed myself in Christian literature like those on this site which talk about the communication differences between men and women. I attribute some of the “problems” I used to have to these differences.

2. I put a stop to verbal fights by letting go of insults made to me, criticisms or general unreasonable behaviour. You don’t have to reply to these things because the offender probably wants just that. So overlook offences- He will stop.

3. I became the initiator of outside intimacy even if he doesn’t respond. For example giving him hugs when he returns home (& before he goes), sitting on the couch with him watching the long football/basketball games with him (holding his hand). He got used to it and has warmed up to it. Now he reciprocates.

4. I focused on new interests, knitting and crotcheting. These hobbies really absorb me, especially in times when he is quiet on his computer or watching the news. Before I know it, he will be the first one to speak and we then have a meaningful chat -not forced. So I have learned to appreciate that he needs time to unwind after work and I give it to him in peace.

5. When he comes home late I wait for him and am happy to see him – no questions asked unless he volunteers. I usually call him and ask “what time do you want your dinner ready?” instead of “What time are you coming home?” Now he is consistently coming early and sometimes asks me to come to his workplace if he is working late.

6. I get into his “world” by taking part in things that interest him like outcomes from his work meetings, sports and I give him updates on the latest news headlines. I actually enjoy these things now and I can say we have developed common interests. So if these things take most of his free time, I will be there with him.

7. With regards to his family, try to avoid complaining about them because he will continue to be defensive. He knows they are wrong at times but for you to say it, may not help but misinterpreted. He will learn his lesson; just put it in prayer.

8. I put my grievances to God in prayer and I know it’s worth the wait. I meditate on the promises of God in the Bible and make them my reality. I therefore do not focus on the wrongs happening around me but on the good that is yet to come.

9. Try to put yourself into submision as necessary. Men respond well to this kind of behavior.

It has not been an easy road but I am warming up to my husband more and realize I actually love this guy and want to see him grow spiritually (whatever time it will take).

Someone might say “why should I be the one to do all the work?” I think you owe it to the whole family to sacrifice and save them if you are the believer in your marriage. It’s better than remaining opinionated at the expense of your marriage. Hope you find this helpful.

With the inlaws, I have been thru much of the same as well. My husband’s family is all very religious and my husband strayed from the church when he left home to party like a drunken sailor with his military buddies. He only lets his family see what he wants them to see so they have no clue who he really is. My husband can show a nice front and when he is around his friends and his family he does exactly that. At home with me and the kids, he is disconnected and not involved… plugs himself into the computer after work, reads or watches TV and hardly speaks a word unless I ask him a question.

We raised a step family and I could tell that not all of husband’s family had good feelings towards me and my kids and so there was always this tension between the one sister and I but my husband would tell me to just ignore her comments. 15 years into the marriage and after giving his sisters my support with situations they had been thru with their kids, we had a terrible tragedy in our own family which I so needed support and the sisters basically turned their backs to me and my daughters. I separated myself from his family completely because of it and my husband was able to see what happened and in this case gave me the support.

As far as asking if “you” are doing better and feeling subjected to his approval, I personally feel you need to see what is going on with your husband as his baggage and not yours. I would not ask if you are doing better, or if he feels better towards you as I have a feeling this is a way he is controlling you and I don’t think it’s about you at all.

Now that I have been home a little while, I keep the house clean, cook and take care of my girls. We all make him feel like he is important, he needs it. He is used to it. I am not, so even if I buy my girls something, I let him take the credit. But, he needs to understand that he cannot expect something of me that he doesn’t want to give. Answer my call, let me know if your plans change, if you go away for 12 days to another country. As his wife, I feel it is not to much to ask him to tell me what activities he did, what kind of food, who all went? Why? The truth is easy, he expects nothing less from me, but his ego makes him feel a man should not be questioned. If she loves you, she will take the time to call you, if she is annoyed by you in some way, after you both discuss things, she can bring out your good points, and the bad..well forgive and move on.

I cannot ever wish the silent treatment, or the space card on anyone, I find when you love someone, you are willing to try, even if the person feels they are not wrong, to try would show commitment.

I started work before 15. I know none of this is his fault, however the man I married was attentive, sweet, sensitive and kind. We did everything together, he helped with the kids, we had our troubles, I didn’t know what a wife was supposed to do, I didn’t even know how to accept love much less give it. As time passed I have became more and more withdrawn. He says everything I do is wrong. Often he tells people I don’t know how to be a wife, or tells me I don’t know what I am doing. The children see it, and that affects me even more, that I was respected and my children were proud of me, and now I cry often, or repeat what bothers me over and over, somehow I guess, thinking he will get it.

But he just gets more upset and says I push him to the edge. When you are so sad, and you are desperate to lift yourself back up, you seem to be viewed as a jealous, overbearing, and needy wife who constantly needs attention. When really it is not true. To me, if my husband treats another woman extremely well, waits on her and ignores me, or treats me like an employee, performs acts, like singing, or helping her, that he does not do for me, I become angry and feel disrespected. If he allows woman to go over the line, and I say something, he says I am too sensitive or he can’t just be rude. What? he has no problem being rude to me, or disregarding my feelings, so why should a stranger get compassion?

I am praying. I need to start back to work, I will not let my girls grow up and think they have no value, or that there is a double standard. I do not know how to work with a man who feels he is perfect, and if I would only listen to him and do what he says, I would be treated better. He goes away for 10 day periods to see family, and I have no access to money. So if something comes up, I need to call. His family doesn’t know, so they wonder why I am calling, and he embarresses me by saying, “Leave me alone, give me space and time with family.” I am sure they think I am a jealous nut.

He will say I can’t find work to them, but really I was hurt and had to be out. When you need to ask for what you need, not even grocery shop without him, how can your self esteem grow? He complains to his family that after a hard day he has to shop for food. Not really, I would have been happy to if I could pay for it.

Please pray that I understand what is wrong in me, and what I need to fix or change. I cannot change another person or judge them, I only want my husband back.

Mostly any belittling that he does, is always my fault. When he is out, if I call him and when he will be home, or ask who he is with, his answers are, I don’t know when, does it matter? You don’t know these people, stop questioning me. I can go to the store, and when I pick up, I need to be happy to tell him what street, who is with me, and why? and how long I might be.

Since his attitude is so negative, everyone tries to “not bother” him. If his family calls, (doesn’t speak english) it is ok for them to question him or interrupt anything we are doing. If I say anything, he gets angry and defends them. He doesn’t come to my defense anymore. He says I am not on the level his family is, and I will need to consistently make him feel comfortable, then maybe he can start giving me affection again, or praise me.

Outside the bedroom, there is no affection, he gripes. but once in our room he is all over me. I explain that to me romance starts outside of the bedroom, I do not want to be treated badly, and then be expected to enjoy the private things. I was a woman of assurance but lately I feel needy, always asking him if I am doing better, or if there is something I can do. Why do I want to beg a man to be around me who has changed so much? I love him, so I am broken. Now he only says, I am lucky he is still here.

When I go to him which only seems a relief to him more than anything special between us, I feel very frustrated as this is not what I want from marriage. It has been like living with an emotionless brick wall and all the blame for everything gets passed on to me.

I have reached the point that I just don’t say no to him anymore regarding sex (although I feel as if I am being violated everytime). I hate sex with a passion but I feel that it is my duty as his wife to have sex with him. I have often times thought about being unfaithful (cause if I am then he would divorce me). But I can’t bring myself to do that. He doesn’t even hug or kiss me unless he wants sex. I spend all my days just praying for death to come.

I will encourage my husband and will print this page for him so he can read and understand where you are trying to take him through God’s word and his biblical principles. I know that God is already turning things around for me and no matter how much doubt satan brings in my mind, I will stay firm with my faith in my creator, my bestest best friend, the LORD JESUS CHRIST!! I have learned that when we claim with Bible scriptures, how powerful God is. All bondage’s start to break, a new light begins to shine, and peace fills our heart.

Thank you for praying for me. I will be needing more prayers from you all, that God will keep on blessing me and making me a witness to all who are going through situations like these. God Bless, RD

He agreed to live with me and upon asking he said he still loved me. I feel like crying… God is a miracle working God. I claimed my husband yesterday in Jesus’ name and spoke to God by quoting all the Bible verses where he said he will fulfill all our heart desires, and today… I can see God’s hand at work in my life. Although I have just received only this message BUT no action yet, I strongly believe that God has already started to turn things around for me… and I also believe that if God can do it for me he can do it for anyone!! Thanks for you prayers for my life.

The first is to realize that you are not “too young to join in the discussion” on this web site or any other. You are married, and that means you are dealing with issues that takes a leaning towards maturity. Please feel free to share that which you are learning. I’m sure we will all benefit greatly.

As to what you are going through in your marriage, I have to say that my heart goes out to you. This has got to be very confusing and disheartening. Your husband is supposed to be married to you — not his family. We have a whole section of our web site titled “Dealing with Parents” that you (and if possible, your husband) should read through (if you haven’t already) to get a Biblical perspective on this issue.

I especially recommend it because you said that you are “presidents” of the youth of your church. It’s ESPECIALLY important for you to work through your marriage issues in a biblical manner. You have an influence on these young minds. Marriage is near and dear to God’s heart. It is pointed throughout the Bible that marriage is a living example of God’s love for the church (with Christ as the Bridegroom and the church as His bride). So it’s important that you live out your married lives as a living testimony of God’s love working through your relationship to each other.

Also know that because you have a visible position in the church, the enemy of our faith has put an invisible bulls eye on your marriage to try to take it down. If your marriage fails, others will be influenced by it. We’re told in 1 Peter 5:8-9 to be on the “alert” and to “resist” because as a lion, the enemy is waiting to “devour” us. He wants to hurt God’s heart and His Kingdom work as well.

If your husband won’t talk to you and deal with this matter for any other reason, he should at least be open to talking to you and treating you in an Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 manner, because of his position as a biblical leader in your church.

It seems as if your husband wants the POSITION of being a husband and a “president” of your youth, but he doesn’t want to live those positions out in biblical ways. And that just isn’t reality. You shouldn’t commit to that which you won’t strive to do God’s way.

Culturally and emotionally your husband may feel tied to take care of his parents, and that is all well and good. But it isn’t biblical to put them over you in his priorities.

I’ve been reading a book titled “Marriage on the Rock” (with the Rock symbolizing Jesus Christ). The author, Jimmy Evans addresses this very subject. When discussing the Law of Priority from the Bible in Genesis 2:24 which states, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother”, (the verse you referred to in your comment) — he wrote:

“When God designed the marriage covenant, He did so with the intent that this special commitment between a man and a woman would be more important than any other human relationship. That is the reason God commanded man to leave his father and mother when he became a husband.

“Before a person marries, the most important human relationship bond is with his or her parents. So God told man to ‘leave’ his parents in order to properly ‘cleave’ to his wife. The ‘leaving’ does not mean one should abandon or abuse one’s parents in order to honor God’s requirements for marriage. If that was what God meant in Genesis 2:24, then the Word contradicts itself! In the Old and New Testaments, the admonition to honor your father and mother (see Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16; Matthew 15:4; Matthew 19:19) is one of the ten commandments.

“In fact, in Ephesians 6:2, Paul wrote that this commandment is the first one with a promise: ‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth’ (Ephesians 6:3). The word ‘leave’ in Genesis 2:24 is the Hebrew word azab, which literally means ‘to loosen or relinquish.’ So when God said that a man should leave his father and mother when he married, God meant that a man was to relinquish the highest position of commitment and devotion previously given to his parents in order to give that position to his wife.

“God did not mean a man was to stop honoring his parents. That was an admonition to last throughout their lifetimes. However, at the time of his marriage, a man’s parents were to be released into a lower-priority position in his life. His wife hereafter was to come first. It is possible to do that and yet honor and respect [and be supportive of] one’s parents, or God would not have said to do it. Of course, the same instructions apply to the wife.

“To put it simply, God designed marriage to operate as the second most important priority in life, coming next to your personal relationship with Him. If we put marriage in any position of priority other than the one God has instituted, the marriage does not work [as it should].”

I quote all this to say that your husband needs to reconsider his stand on making his parents his first priority over you. It may make sense to him culturally and because he loves them, but it flies against what Jesus told husbands and wives to do. If he doesn’t move on this then you may need to apply the Matthew 18 principle (as shown in Matthew 18:15-17), where you eventually go to your pastor and he and possibly someone else will need to confront him as well (and you will need to resign your position as a leading couple at the church until things change within your husband’s heart and the way he treats you).

Ranjeshni, I don’t say this to bring you down further. I pray you will instead use this time to strengthen yourself in the Lord. As you apply the principles in Philippians 4:4-9 and others, you will work to put your focus on that which will bring peace. Even in the eye of the storm, there is peace — especially when you focus on all God CAN do and will do, despite the chaos around you.

Some verses that have helped me in turbulent times is found in Isaiah 26:3-4, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.” He is your Rock. Cling to Him… not all the shifting stuff going on around you. Apply Proverbs 3:5-6 and don’t lean on your own understanding. God IS working… you may not see it, and it may take MUCH longer than you think, and the results may be much different than you think they should be, but trust in His heart that He loves you and will work on your behalf.

One more thing, please don’t make promises you can’t keep with your husband. I love your heart that you told him you are willing to financially and physically support your household so he can use his entire paycheck to support his parents. That’s very generous, but it may not always be possible, as much as you want it to be that way. If you get injured or ill and can only work part time or maybe not at all, or you have children and feel God’s pull to stay home more so you won’t be bringing in enough money to support the household, you won’t be able to keep that promise and then your marriage may be in peril the direction your husband’s mindset is at this time.

And if you eventually need your husband around more (because of a sick child or whatever), you don’t want to promise your husband that he can just go off and visit his parents whenever he wants to. Again, it’s a promise you may not be able to keep because things have a way of eventually changing and you will need as marital partners to work together for the betterment of all concerned — not allowing his mother and father to be his top priority.

If BOTH of you, after praying about it, decide it is God’s will that while it’s possible a certain amount can go to help his family, and as long as things don’t change, that is something that can be done, then that would be fine. But to make the previous promise a precedent when your husband’s priorities aren’t lined up biblically (and he isn’t making sure his family recognizes the biblical way it is supposed to be), then you are building your home upon shifting sand (as pointed out in Matthew 7:24-27). There could be a huge crash eventually.

Keep praying and petitioning God to open your husband’s eyes and heart to HIS way of living out your marriage. Keep praying for wisdom and directing your focus on God and work to strengthen your relationship with Him so that whatever comes your way, you will be able to survive — no matter what, without completely crumbling. I encourage you to do so. Please know that my heart and prayers are with you. May God bless you ABUNDANTLY!!!