Recreating familiar, friendly or emotionally intimate responses can lead the ex-spouse and the children to false hopes. When they remain in bondage to such hopes, they have no chance of emotional maturity.
“I hated it when my ex-husband wouldn’t come in and visit for awhile,” Sharon told me. “I’m not going to bite!” I just wanted to know how he was getting along and tell him about my folds’ 50th wedding anniversary party. It’s been so long since we’ve talked about anything on a friendly basis. Is that so bad?”
Sharon’s comment is typical of divorced spouses who would like everything to seem “okay” again. After the fighting has calmed down, people seek the familiar. Many divorced women, like Sharon, feel that if they can resume some level of intimacy with their ex-husbands, he must still care or at least is no longer bitter. No one wants anymore rejection.
However such feelings are artificial and incomplete unless the ex-husband reciprocates in that old friendly way. If he doesn’t, the ex-wife remains in emotional bondage, seeking affirmation of her self-worth from her ex-husband.
With time, our memories of unhappy times fade. We block the pain and tend to remember only the sweet times, often exaggerated in our minds. A man laughing and recalling better times with his ex-wife may suddenly feel the strong emotions they once shared. Thoughts of love, old embraces and nights of passion can ignite a spark in his mind.
When he begins to entertain these thoughts, they can move to memories of bringing children into the world together and all the powerful bonds of marriage. Suddenly he’s filled with doubt again. Do I still love her? Did I make a mistake? Feelings of failure and regret rise within him. This can cause him problems in his current marriage, or tempt him to renew levels of intimacy with his ex-wife.
My husband shared a “word picture” of how he regards his ex-wife. When we don’t know how to categorize our relationship with someone, it’s helpful to say, “He’s like a father to me,” or “She’s like a sister.” My husband thinks of his ex-wife as the “Daycare lady.”
Imagine a nice lady who lives down the street. She owns the daycare center in your neighborhood. Every morning she drives to your house to pick up the kids. Sometimes you might drive to her house to drop them off. They get in her car and she takes them for the day. You relax and don’t worry about them because you know she loves them and takes good care of them while they’re with her.
When they come home and report something fun or nice the “Mrs. Daycare” did for them, you appreciate it. You don’t feel jealous. You know you’re their parent and they will always love you, but they have room in their heart for her too. You’re glad that your children have many adults in their lives to love, teach and care for them.
You and “Mrs. Daycare” sometimes smile and wave to each other in the mornings. Once in awhile she’ll take a minute or two to report trouble with the kids’ behavior and tell you how she’s handling it during the day. You may stop and tell her about the children’s rashes and leave the ointment with her for the day. You don’t spend a lot of time talking to her when you pick the kids up, and you don’t socialize on the weekends.
You consider your relationship with her the same kind you’d have with a child’s school teacher. While she’s a trusted caregiver for the children, you have your own life, circle of friends, and have no need to know more about or get involved in “Mrs. Daycare’s” personal life. You don’t tell her how to run the daycare center and she doesn’t tell you how to run your home. You have agreed to trust that you’re each doing your job.
Every month she sends you a bill and you mail her check out on time. That’s the extent of your personal relationship with her.
This picture helps my husband honor his ex-wife for the role she has as mother to his son, and helps him encourage his son’s loving relationship with her. It also helps him realize he doesn’t need to be any more emotionally involved with her than he would be with “Mrs. Daycare.”
The above article is from the book, How to be First in a Second Marriage by Rose Sweet published in by College Press Publishing Company, Joplin, Mo. This book is excellent in giving very practical insights in to how to resolve conflicts in a second marriage.
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(USA) What a wonderful article to help the break up of families!!
(USA) Matthew 19
Divorce
1When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. 2Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
3Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
4"Haven’t you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[a] 5and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[b]? 6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
7"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
10The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."
11Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage[c]because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
Mark 10
Divorce
1Jesus then left that place and went into the region of Judea and across the Jordan. Again crowds of people came to him, and as was his custom, he taught them.
2Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?"
3"What did Moses command you?" he replied.
4They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away."
5"It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. 6"But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’[a] 7′For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,[b] 8and the two will become one flesh.’[c] So they are no longer two, but one. 9Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
10When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 11He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery."
Romans 7
1Do you not know, brothers—for I am speaking to men who know the law—that the law has authority over a man only as long as he lives? 2For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. 3So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.
1 Corinthians 7:
10To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
(USA) Sounds to me like death ends the marriage, not divorce. And the first wife should be treated as what she is…his wife. This article is filled with earthly wisdom and contributes to the plan of the enemy to break up marriages and families. I think you should re-evaluate this article.
(USA) Dear Jenean, I believe this article (and the book it is extracted from) is geared toward people who got divorced before they knew the Lord. There are many people who got divorced (and possibly remarried) before they came to know the Lord and his scriptural way of life.
I Corinthians 7:17-24 says that we are to remain in the state in which we were called. This means whatever someone did in their life before they were called, is irrelevant. This includes if they got divorced and remarried. If they were called while they are in a second marriage, that is how they should remain. That is what the Bible says – remain in the state in which you were called. Anyone accepting Christ in a second marriage is not to be focusing on their first marriage or trying to go back to that.
The verses you mention above, quoting what Christ said to the Pharisees, were from the Mosaic law written for the Jews. That meant anyone who was not of the Jewish faith did not have to abide by those laws (the decree that Moses gave). In turn, anyone who is not presently a Christian or was not a Christian when they got divorced, is not bound by the verses above. Not until after they accept Christ and get baptized.
Christ died on the cross for all our our sins – yours and mine included. You should not be looking at whatever sins you have overcome since finding Christ or sins you committed before getting baptized, any more than someone who was divorced before they found Christ should be focusing on that.
Christ forgave us all our sins and what matters is what we do and how we live from the moment of baptism (re-birth) and onward. I believe that is why this article is here – for those who fit into that category of people I mention. God bless.
(USA) It seems to me the Word is saying that if at least one person in the marriage had been baptized and had confessed the Lord Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour, divorce and “remarriage” is a form of adultery. If the subsequent marriage did not work (another divorce), if there was a strong tie to the first (after years and maturity) according to the Bible should the two reunite? Please specify a verse or verses that can be further researched.
(USA) LT, Jesus was telling the pharisees what God’s original intent was for marriage. God created all of mankind, salvation is for all of mankind through Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ’s laws are for all of mankind. Does your status as a parent change after you get saved? All of our sins are forgiven through Christ, including divorce and remarriage. But if the word of God is clear that remarriage is adultery while you have a living spouse…and clearly adultery is sin. I think that is something that we should consider as Christians and not take lightly.
There should be more promoting the sanctity of marriage within the church, then promoting things that breakdown the family. There is nothing in these verses that indicate these verses applied to Jews only. In fact, Jesus was correcting the pharisees views on the law of Moses. By the way, I am divorced, I am young, and spent my most of my adolescence living in sin. I am well aware of the struggle. There are no easy answers, but this article just gave me a check in my spirit and I felt it to be appropriate to go back to what the word of God says on the matter. If we have a better understanding of what God’s mind is on marriage, we may enter into it (or get out of it, for that matter) with more reverence for what it is. The consequences remain.
(USA) I completely agree with "J" that this is an article to help break up families. The devil is a liar, a deceiver, and a limo driver to pits of hell. Wake up world! No ex wife is the "Daycare Lady". How offensive. And if this person believes the story of the ex-wife being the daycare lady who gets a monthly payment for her services, then she needs to be prepared to have the same thing happen to her.
I was divorced against my will. There was another person in the picture who helped to massage my husband’s ego and persuade him to leave me and our two babies. The interesting thing is, soon after the divorce was final and he came to his senses, he wanted to come home and began his journey back to us. That’s when all out war and manipulation started from the other woman. They ended up getting "married", but he soon left her and realized he had been deceived. She whined and manipulated and pulled the "suicide" threat and he went back. Not 2 weeks into it, he was miserable again. HE left again, and the same thing started back up….calling him all the time and hunting him down.
You see, this woman knows she took a man from his covenant wife. It does not matter what your theories are, God’s word is an everlasting covenant. God will not bless that adulterous situation. My husband has always known that he should return home to us. The enemy has deceived him, and we have to keep praying for the Lord to open his eyes to the truth. The woman he is with now is extremely insecure. She has accused me of all the things she did. She has berated me publicly in front of our children.
Now I ask you, would a woman who was doing the will of God, and in a loving and secure "marriage" with her "husband" behave that way to an "ex-wife"? Absolutely not!!!! God is convicting her of her sin. God is revealing himself to her. That relationship will never work, because God is not in it. Both of them claim to be Christians, so God will not allow them to continue in their sin. God will never take a husband and father away from a praying spouse and give him to a woman of low character. We need to wake up and realize this.
If your car were stolen, you would contact the authorities to find it. If you discovered it a few blocks away, you would go to the person driving it and demand it back. You would not settle for them saying, "well i stole it, so it’s mine now..you just need to get over and move on with your life.". NO NO NO NO NO!!! So why then do we let the enemy steal our spouses and listen to the lie of the enemy to just let them go?
If you will stop listening to free thinkers who want to twist the word of God and manipulate to fit their own guilt, you will miss out on the awesome power or God willingness to restore unto you all that has been stolen. No more excuses. Stand and fight for the healing and restoration of your marriages. If your spouse left you for any non-biblical reason, if they left you for someone else, that relationship and that marriage is already doomed for failure. Your spouse has been led astray, and if you pray for their eyes to come open to the truth, and that they be delivered from the trap of the enemy, God will move.
You cannot erase an "ex spouse" from the heart of a man or woman. In God’s eyes, they are still married. No re-definition of a spouse being the "daycare lady" will ever fly in God’s heart. Believe the word of God only and be still and know that he is God. He will make a way of escape for your wayward spouse. And when he does, he or she will make their way back to you.
God bless you.
(USA) ”L” – Your comments interest me. I have been married multiple times and it only got worse. First marriage ended because of infidelity and emotional abuse. However, subsequent marriages involved decreasing levels of intimacy. I have always had a strong tie to my first husband. It interests me that you referred to this marriage as the covenant marriage. I have personally grown spiritually and emotionally. I know who I am in Christ. However, the peace, love and forgiveness I have for this man is unexplainable. I am trying to understand why the bond is so strong. The word covenant (contract, binding agreement between two or more parties) reminds me of the promise we made to love each other through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, til death do us part.
Today, we are dating again. The bond seems strong and I am not sure why or if he truly feels the same way. Yet, Biblically should we be together? God is trying to tell me something. I am trying to understand.
(SOUTH AFRICA – WESTERN CAPE) I have married a man who was manipulated by an experienced sexual predator. This ex-wife of his laid down with many a naval officer in a naval town. She fell pregnant at 17yrs, married and was divorced by the time she was 20 yrs old. The husband was 28 yrs old (10yrs older than her). He was awarded full custody of their baby son and never saw him until 31 yrs later. She partied, drank, one night stands, met my husband who was single and innocent. She wooed him, promised sex only on their wedding night (this while she was having sex, had been married and birthed a child) and hastened for marriage within a year.
They married and had a child, (numerous affairs on her part), she divorced him for the neighbor, just up and left and left my husband frantically searching for her and their child not knowing she was across the road with the neighbor. This had to be an established affair for this to have happened so that she could leave/divorce and live with this man.
My husband accepted it and within 6 months, she moved out to live with another guy in an area close by. Again she had to betray the neighbor who she lived with in order to establish a relationship so that she could move in and live with new lover taking child with her. This was bad for child — too many daddies. 4 months later she phones my husband, says she made a mistake and wants to come back. He says yes for child’s sake, as the child looked terribly neglected and she was no good at housework/shopping/washing clothes etc. She was not a good wife or a good housekeeper. She was too busy having affairs.
After he says yes, he had to wait a few weeks for her to return to their home. Note. She is still having relations with the man she is living with while my husband is waiting for her to come home. She was a cunning, devious liar who never loved my husband and only used and abused him because he was innocent, trusting and a good father/husband.
Within 3 years, she divorces him again. No warning, just a letter that her lawyer would be in touch. She left him for one of the managers at his sport club. His friends knew, but no one enlightened him because they probably all slept with her too.
He then by the grace of God met me. We did the normal courting, engagement, fun things and decided to live together after engagement and then married 2 years later. 3 years later we had two children. She only managed to get the guy to marry her 2 years after we were married. She must have had to work hard at that relationship because she was getting older had a past history of 3 marriage/divorces – 2 children. Who would want to marry someone like that?
She was an unfit mother. We babysat every full weekend and she drank in the sporting club every Saturday afternoon evening while my hubby and his child was there for sports. I detested it. I wanted him to do the normal visitation thing, no sleeping over as he had a home, received a good maintenance and she had to be mommy in full as she was despicable. She was nasty, horried to my husband and she should never had so much free time to enjoy her new relationship as ours was new and fresh.
We were stifled with the responsibility. Also school holidays, my hubby’s mom looked after the child in full as she worked. But where was her family? Where was her new boyfriend/then husband’s family to look after her child? All the responsibility fell on us. I could not take it anymore and we moved far away, babysitting weekends still happened – distance did not change anything.
I gave my hubby an ultimatum, and he chose them. We divorced, sold our house (financial expense) and within 4 weeks were back together. We bought a new place, different area, and lo and behold she bought a house across the way from us. I was devastated. This proved she still wanted my husband back but only to use and toss him aside. I stopped all visitation to our home and his wheels came off. Trouble in paradise, she had an affair with a man young enough to be her son, fell pregnant while still married (whose child is it) as she sleeps with both. Moves out/divorces stays with young lover, has affairs, moves out, meets 1st husband and begs to see long lost child. He agrees, lives with her has a relationship.
Bear in mind she is still in with my husband’s family and I am not as they always believed her and wanted her back in the family with my husband. Never mind how he felt about it/being married to me and our children. They tricked him into going to her place to see if they could make him jealous to see her with very 1st husband. He was embarrassed and did not stay long and also did not tell me.
Shortly thereafter, his mom became ill, comatose and that was the end of ex-wife in family. She then remarried husband 1 and 7 months later was leaving him for 3rd child’s daddy and he caught her. He shot her and himself and I only found out the truth 9 years later that my husband was in her house. It nearly destroyed my marriage/family life as he had no business being there as his “son” was a grown-up man already.
We are still battling today as the trust is gone due to this infidel, unfaithful horrid woman who caught my husband, used and abused him and nearly destroyed my marriage. Be careful of people who have been married and divorced. Be very careful. It is not an easy road to travel.