MARRIAGE: THE FRIENDSHIP CONTINUES! Is that true of your relationship with your spouse? Most couples will say that they were the best of friends before marriage— that’s why they got married in the first place. They wanted to go to the next level in their friendship so they got married. But what does it take to have a continuing friendship beyond the wedding ceremony? Can you just rest on past laurels and expect the friendship to continue to grow without investing anymore energy into making it a positive relationship?

The answer to that question, of course, is “no.” But too often in our marriages we allow life to slide us apart without putting into it the effort it takes to make sure the friendship continues in a positive direction.

If that’s true of your “friendship” with your spouse— today would be a good day to start to rebuild your partnership— your friendship. We’d like to share with you some thoughts and questions that came from a book entitled: Why Just Be Married When You Can Be Best Friends by Conrad Smith. Unfortunately this book is no longer in print. But we’d like to share a portion of it with you that could be a great tool for drawing you a little closer today than you were yesterday.

We’re now teaching a series of Marriage Education classes entitled: “Celebrate Marriage” for our community and we put together the following excerpts from Conrad Smith’s book as a “homework” assignment designed to help us and those couples within the class to get a little closer “to being on the same page” with their spouse— thus helping their friendship with each other to grow in a positive direction. We hope you’ll join us in using the following with your spouse. Enjoy!!!

Why Just Be Married When You Can Be Best Friends

Genesis 2:24 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh.” This means that friendship with your mate is a choice. Leaving one kind of relationship to be united in another can only come from a conscious decision. Even though no one would dispute the truth of this statement, it’s precisely a breakdown of the marriage commitment that erodes a relationship.

Consider the following illustration of what marriage commitment should be. If you were on the 10 th floor of an apartment building and you smelled smoke, you’d naturally look for a fire escape. But if there were no fire escape, the only sensible thing to do would be to put out the fire. When a couple makes a commitment that divorce is never an option, they give themselves no fire escape. The foundations of trust are strengthened. If threat of divorce is used as a tool of manipulation, the relationship is in serious trouble.

During our first few years there were a few times in the heat of arguments when either Roxana or I would threaten a divorce. We smelled smoke and were ready, if necessary, to head down the fire escape. I don’t believe either of us really considered divorce an option. Yet even the threat of divorce was eroding our trust in each other.

Each of us began to be afraid that the other was serious. We talked about this one day and agreed never to use the threat again, regardless of how hurt or angry we were. Our trust is very strong now because we know that we’re committed to putting out the fires. We have no fire escape. We can therefore depend on the fact that we’ll have each other regardless of what happens.

This commitment can result in something wonderful. We’re united to our friend in a way that’s unique to the marriage friendship. The Hebrew word for cleave means, “to adhere to” or “stick to.” A modern example would be super glue or epoxy. Once sealed, the bond is impossible to break without damaging the parts that were glued together.

When a couple is married, the two become one. This union forms the basis for rich, enjoyable friendship to which no other can compare. But if the union’s broken through divorce, both people are damaged. They don’t become the two they were before the union. They have to rebuild separate lives apart from each other. They can’t just pick up where they left off before marriage. Their union has changed them.

A mistaken conception many couples have is that this uniting occurs at the wedding ceremony and from then on, they’re one. While this is true, it’s not complete. It implies that there’s no growth in their oneness or bonding. This means work. It means making a commitment to care, to share, and to be one.

Would you like to strengthen your marriage friendship? You can. It will take commitment, work, and time, but a deeper friendship is possible. An important step toward reaching this goal is to complete the following exercise: “Face to Face with My Friend.” Take some time to answer the questions below.

ENJOYING MY FRIEND: Husbands—make this date your responsibility. Make all the arrangements yourself: reservations at a quiet place to eat, babysitters, etc. Your plans don’t have to be expensive. She’ll know she’s special to you because of the work you’ve done to arrange this date. Don’t tell her where you’re going Let her be surprised.

Don’t worry about being creative. Just find a quiet place that will allow you to sit facing each other, a place that will give you time to talk. During the meal, take turns sharing your responses to the questions in the “Face to Face with My Friend” section. Have a good time!

FACE TO FACE WITH MY FRIEND
(for the husband to complete):

• List the strengths your marriage friendship has now.

• What does your wife do that makes you feel appreciated and valued?

• What do you do that makes your wife feel appreciated and valued?

• In what ways can you strengthen your commitment to your wife?

• How can you be more united to her?

FACE TO FACE WITH MY FRIEND
(for the wife to complete):

• List the strengths your marriage friendship has now.

• What does your husband do that makes you feel appreciate and valued?

• What do you do that makes your husband feel appreciated and valued?

• What could your husband do to show his commitment to you?

• In what ways can you strengthen your commitment to your husband?

• How can you be more united to him?

We hope this has been helpful to you. Have a blessed week!

Steve and Cindy Wright

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