The underlying factor in establishing a proper postmarital relationship with both parents and in-laws is in learning to prayerfully and sensibly submit to the Scripture that says: “for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
As grateful as a man may be for the guidance and help he has received from his parents, it is imperative for the well-being of all concerned that he understands the importance of heading up a whole new separate decision-making unit. In the same way, the wife must play her part in disallowing her parents from making undue demands on her time and affection, since she is now under the headship of her husband.
It is not that in-laws deliberately set out to cause problems. In most cases, they would be mortified to think that their actions were viewed in that way, but unless care is taken to ensure that there is a clean break-emotionally and financially and in every other way —then untold harm may well be the result.
In The Other Woman in Your Marriage, Norman Wright quotes a fine illustration of cutting the apron strings.
I’ll never forget the wedding of one of my best college friends, John Engstrom, years ago. Actually it wasn’t the wedding itself that impressed me as much as something that happened at the rehearsal dinner. Mrs. Engstrom, John’s mum, was seated at the front table with John, his bride, and the bride’s parents.
At a particular time at the dinner, Mrs. Engstrom stood up and pulled out a beautifully wrapped box. She unwrapped it, and with great ceremony displayed one of her favorite old aprons.
Holding the apron high for everyone to see, she reached into her purse and brought out a big pair of scissors. With a flourish, she snipped off the apron strings and handed them to John’s bride-to-be.
“Never again,” she said, “will I have the same place in John Engstrom’s life. You are now the woman in his life.”
It was a moment of formal releasing, in front of many witnesses. And the most significant witnesses of all were a young bride and groom. It was a profound moment —but a joyful one too. There was a feeling of rightness about it all.
The above article comes from the book, Lasting Love by Alistair Begg, published by Moody Press. In this book Pastor Begg teaches “the art of a lasting relationship. He calls each partner to bury self-interests and diligently tend the fire of his own her own home hearth.” As Alistair says about this book,
“This is an attempt at preventive medicine. It is written primarily for those who are contemplating marriage from the vantage point of singleness, who are in the early stages of married life, or who have enjoyed a number of years of marital bliss and are tempted to conclude that this kind of material is interesting but undoubtedly irrelevant. However, it may also prove helpful to those who are already dealing with the effects of decay… In a sense, this book is, unashamedly, ‘Marriage for Dummies.’ It is a refresher course on basics, and hopefully you will find it to be much more.”
To read another article that is related to this topic —one which is posted on the web site for the ministry of Focus on the Family, please click onto the link provided below:
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(REPUBLIC OF SOUTH AFRICA (RSA)) I have recently been married, 25 April 2009, to a wonderful man who has been caught in between to “mothers” for a greater part of his life. My husband is a 33 year old man and I am 31years. His mother and father got divorced while he was still an infant and he was raised by his mother’s sister (his aunt), in another city, while his mother remarried and stayed with her husband and children in another city.
His father remarried and had his own family as well. Raised by the aunt, his surname was changed to his mother’s maiden name when he was about three years and that is the surname he has been using for the past 30 years. His relationship with his father is nothing to talk about and I see a great sense of resentment and anger that his other children got to grow up with him and he did not.
A few months before our marriage, I was contemplating, on how I was going to deal with “two mothers in-law” and my husband’s identity issues.
Both women feel the need to have claim over him. His mother gave him life and claims she supported him financially while he was living with her sister. The aunt claims she raised, cared and sacrificed for him while she was raising her own children too. My husband is caught in between these two women, who feel now that he is married they should highlight their individual roles they played to make him what he is today. Its like they are fighting for his affection and competing for financial support. They each separately, talk badly about each other to us but when together they are the best of friends.
The other talks about how irresponsible the other was, while she was raising her son. The other one talks about how her sister is doing all she can to make sure that her son does not support her. Her sister wants all his money to herself, although as a mother she took her responsibility to financially support her son and got him to university despite the fact that he did not stay with her.
With all this happening I do not want to take sides on something I know nothing about but that doesn’t stop them bombard me with this every time they talk to me. I guess each one of them is trying to “win me over”.You should have seen what happened in the months before our wedding. Let me not get into that, but through Christ we overcame
He on the other hand, has got his own struggle although he is trying his utter most best to hide it. He is dealing with his own identity issues, and his “two mothers” are not helping him with this at all. .
I do not know how to get both these women to “cut the apron strings” and let us build a life of our own but I am trusting God to intervene. I always joke a say two aprons dear Lord, two aprons. I recently observed that my husband is strategically “cutting them off” on a number of things. He has even gone to the extent of telling them that he has a family to take care of as his duty and responsibility as a husband and a father to our three year old daughter. I believe he still will say that for a couple of months or years before they get it.
In all that I humbly appreciate the ledership my husband has taken in the matter as it has relieved a lot of pressure on me and we can now concentrate on building our family and I can fully support him with God’s help to understand that his past is the past there is nothing he can change about it but he can change the way he feels and deals with it. It does not matter what surname he carries, to me, he is my husband and a father to our daughter. May God strengthen him and keep him in His favour.Amen