1. MYTH: I must control circumstances for me (and my family) to be secure.

TRUTH: I am secure because I am hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3). All my needs are supplied in Christ (Philippians 4:19). It is not by my power or strength, but by His Spirit (Zechariah 4:6). He is a shield to those who walk uprightly (Proverbs 2:7b, 11).

2. MYTH: I must perform perfectly and avoid mistakes to be accepted and acceptable to God.

TRUTH: I am perfect in Christ; one Spirit with Him (Hebrews 10:14; 1 Corinthians 6:17). I have been made accepted by Him (Ephesians 1:6). Christ died that I would be the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21).

3. MYTH: I am responsible for my spouse’s or another’s emotional well-being. I must apologize if he or she isn’t okay or if they do something wrong (or) I am accountable to God for my spouse.

TRUTH: Each one shall give account of himself to God (Romans 14:12). I cannot rescue my brother by any means (Psalm 49:7). Each person eats the fruit of his own way (Proverbs 1:31).

4. MYTH: I must stay emotionally guarded to be safe and secure.

TRUTH: The Lord is my safety (Psalm 4:8; 27:1-6; 32:7-11). Safety is only of the Lord (Proverbs 1:33; 3:23; 21:31). As I trust Christ, His peace will guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:7). He is my shield and fortress (Psalm 18:1-3).

5. MYTH: I must be strong and independent to survive.

TRUTH: Christ’s strength is perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). My life is to be dependent on Christ, since He is the Vine and I am a branch in Him. Without Him I can do nothing (John 15:5; 2 Corinthians 12:10).

6. MYTH: I do not measure up I am not worthy of love. I may deserve to be punished.

TRUTH: Christ has made me accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6; Psalm 139:13-18). I am chosen, have been made righteous, holy, a saint. I have been justified. I have been made a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 Peter 2:9; 1 Corinthians 1:2; Romans 8:30).

7. MYTH: Real men do not show they need help.

TRUTH: When I humble myself before God, in due time He exalts me (1 Peter 5:6). Pride comes before a fall (Proverbs 16:18).

8. MYTH: I must improve myself and build my self-confidence to succeed and know I am valued.

TRUTH: My confidence is to be in the Lord, not myself (Proverbs 3:26; 14:26); I am to put no confidence in my flesh (Philippians 3:3). I am to humble myself and become of no reputation (Philippians 2:5-8).

9. MYTH: I must get respect from my mate and others to know I am of worth.

TRUTH: I am called to love and to serve others and consider them better than myself (Philippians 2:3). Pride comes before destruction and shame (Proverbs 16:18; 11:2). I am to become of “no reputation” and be a servant (Philippians 2:5-8). He has made me accepted and perfect (Ephesians 1:6; Hebrews 10:14).

10. MYTH: I must be heard and/or right to know I am of value to my loved one or others.

TRUTH: I am not to be wise in my own eyes (Proverbs 3:7). I am to find my value in Christ (Ephesians 1:6; See #9).

11. MYTH: I must “fix and direct” if things are to go right for me and if I am going to be secure and at peace. (I must control interactions and circumstances.)

TRUTH: God will work all things together for me if I love Him and am called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). He is faithful and will cause it to happen (1 Thessalonians 5:24). God works His will in the army of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth (Daniel 4:35); God will accomplish that which concerns me (Psalm 138:8).

12. MYTH: I must be the best to find worth and security.

TRUTH: The least shall be the greatest (Luke 9:48). God is my worth, security, my shield and Fortress (See #17; Proverbs 2:7b). Safety is of the Lord (Proverbs 21:31; Jeremiah 16:19).

13. MYTH: Emotions represent truth.

TRUTH: Jesus Christ said He is the Truth. Emotions do not represent truth and are not to be trusted (John 14:6).

14. MYTH: My peace is tied to my spouse’s and/or others’ opinions and to my being treated fairly. To be fulfilled, I am entitled to my spouse treating me the way the Lord commands him/her to.

TRUTH: Jesus Christ is my peace and gives me peace (John 14:2). I am in perfect peace as my mind is fixed on Him. As I humble myself, I’ll enjoy peace (Psalm 37:11; Isaiah 26:3 See #32, 37).

15. MYTH: Husbands and wives should complete each other.

TRUTH: Each has been made complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10).

16. MYTH: Others and losses are responsible for my pain. My emotional peace, or lack of it, is somebody else’s fault (or responsibility).

TRUTH: I am responsible to receive and walk in the healing, recovery, comfort, peace and restoration from Christ (Isaiah 61:1a-3; 58:8a; 54:1-14; Psalm 23:3).

17. MYTH: I must prove I am right to know I am of worth.

TRUTH: Christ has made me accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6; #9, #10, Psalm 139:13-18), I am chosen, righteous, holy, a saint: a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 Peter 2:9; 1 Corinthians 1:2).

18. MYTH: I can’t help being depressed and without hope if my circumstances don’t change.

TRUTH: Christ gives me hope and a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness (Romans 15:13; Psalm 16:11, 27:14, 31:24; Isaiah 61:3). Hope is not based on circumstances, but is only in Christ (1 Timothy 1:1; Colossians 1:27; Romans 15:13).

19. MYTH: I must explain, justify and defend myself. I must please my spouse and/or others to avoid rejection and find acceptance.

TRUTH: Christ is my defender and my justifier (Romans 5:1; Colossians 3:3; Isaiah 54:17; Psalm 91:11; Acts 13:39). God will make my enemies to be at peace with me when my way pleases Him (Proverbs 16:7).

20. MYTH: I must live under the burden of guilt if another isn’t okay or if I have failed or sinned.

TRUTH: There is no condemnation to me as I walk after the Spirit. Christ came to make me perfect in my conscience (John 3:18; Romans 8:1; Hebrews 9:9, 14). I am forgiven of all my sins (Colossians 2:13).

21. MYTH: I can’t be okay unless I can trust my loved one.

TRUTH: I must put no confidence in human flesh (Philippians 3:3).

22. MYTH: What I do makes me who I am.

TRUTH: Birth determines my identity. I have been made a new creation by my new birth. The old me died with Christ (Galatians 2:20; 2 Corinthians 5:17).

23. MYTH: I must live in shame from abuse in my early years. It affects my life and I can’t get over it.

TRUTH: As I trust Christ, I will forget the same of my youth. Instead of shame, He will give me double honor. He came to heal my broken heart and give beauty for ashes. He will restore the years the locusts have eaten. My recovery will spring forth quickly (Isaiah 58:8a; Isaiah 61:1a, 3, 7; 54:4-8). Jesus said we have sorrow, but he gives us truth which brings healing and freedom (John 16:6-7).

24. MYTH: My emotional security is based on my maintaining my structure and on connectedness with my spouse and/or my significant others.

TRUTH: Christ is my strong tower, etc. I am complete in Him (Colossians 2:10). He will establish, strengthen, and settle me (1 Peter 5:10). He is my shield (Psalm 18:1-3).

25. MYTH: I am inadequate.

TRUTH: I have been made adequate (2 Corinthians 3:5-6). I can do all things through Christ. I am complete in Him (Colossians 2:10; Philippians 4:13). He makes me adequate to do His will (Hebrews 13:21; See #34).

26. MYTH: I can’t have any peace or contentment if my loved one doesn’t change.

TRUTH: Christ is my peace. He gives me peace (John 14:27). When I cease from my own way, I have rest (Hebrews 4:10). Peace is mine through Christ (John 14:27). When I humble myself, I will delight in an abundance of peace (Psalm 37:11).

27. MYTH: I can’t help being anxious when the future is uncertain.

TRUTH: As I humble myself and cast my fears on God, He will exalt me in due time (1 Peter 5:6, 7). I am to be anxious for nothing (Philippians 4:6). God will preserve and sustain me as I trust Him (Psalm 16:8a, 9, 11b; Psalm 23:4). The Lord preserves those who love Him (Psalm 3:23; 145:2; Proverbs 2:8). I am not to be afraid for I dwell in the shelter of the Most High God (Psalm 91:1,5,6,10; Psalm 18:1-3). I am not to be troubled nor fearful (John 14:27).

28. MYTH: I cannot be happy if I do not get my needs of worth and security met by my spouse or another.

TRUTH: See all the above. He shall supply ALL my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).

29. MYTH: If I am treated unfairly, it makes me a doormat.

TRUTH: Even though trials and unfairness will come to all, the Lord has made me who I am (#31; #2). Those reviling my good behavior shall be put to shame (1 Peter 3:17). As I walk in righteousness, no weapon formed against me shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17).

30. MYTH: The Lord has never cared enough about me to answer my prayers.

TRUTH: If I abide in Him, I can ask and it will be given (John 15:7). If I ask and don’t receive in God’s timing, I have asked with the wrong motive (James 4:2, 3; 1 John 3:22; 5:14).

31. MYTH: If the Lord wanted good things for me, He wouldn’t have allowed so much loss and pain.

TRUTH: Tribulation and trials will come to all, beginning with God’s people. But Christ has overcome these things on my behalf (1 Peter 1:6; 4:12, John 16:33). He has plans for my good and desires to satisfy me with good things (Jeremiah 29:11; Psalm 103:5a). After I have experienced a trial, trusting Him, He will establish, strengthen and perfect me (1 Peter 5:10).

32. MYTH: If the Lord cared about me, He would give me a person to fill my loneliness—make me complete and fulfilled. I need a person to complete me.

TRUTH: I will remain lonely unless I die to my own way of trying to make things work for me (John 12:24). He wants to fill me and my loneliness with Himself. I am to find my completeness in Christ (Colossians 3:3, Ephesians 5:17, 18).

33. MYTH: I must see that others pay for the wrongs they have done against me.

TRUTH: God will avenge, vindicate me. I must release others from what they owe so that I won’t suffer tormenting emotions (Romans 12:19; Hebrews 10:30, 31; Matthew 18:23-24).

34. MYTH: I don’t have the power to love and serve.

TRUTH: When I cease my own trying and trust Him, Christ is faithful and He will do it. He gives me the victory. It is not by my power, nor strength, but His Spirit that I accomplish (1 Thessalonians 5:24; 1 Corinthians 15:57; Zechariah 4:6). I can do all things through Christ who is my strength. The Lord will accomplish that which concerns me (Psalm 138:8; Philippians 4:13).

35. MYTH: My worth and value should come from hard work and responsibility.

TRUTH: My value and worth are only found in who Christ has made me—not in my performance. Christ has made me accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6; Psalm 139:13-18). My confidence is to be in the Lord, not myself (Proverbs 3:26; 14:26). I am to put no confidence in my flesh (Philippians 3:3).

36. MYTH: My security and value should come from my loved one protecting and providing for me or doing certain things for me.

TRUTH: The Lord in me is my provider, my security, my worth. He preserves me as I walk in faith (Psalm 31:23; 145:20; 97:10; Proverbs 2:8; also see #17, #4).

37. MYTH: I should find significance from another’s love, appreciation and acceptance. I must have everyone’s love and approval to feel good about myself and be emotionally okay.

TRUTH: See #35. I’m not entitled to others meeting my needs. My needs are to be met in Christ. I am complete in Him. He will fill me (Philippians 4:19; Colossians 2:10; Ephesians 5:17, 18).

38. MYTH: Satisfaction and fulfillment should come from my marital partner.

TRUTH: The Lord will satisfy my hungry soul as I walk in Him (Isaiah 58:10). He will fill me with His Spirit (Ephesians 5:17, 18).

39. MYTH: I am not blessed if God doesn’t give me the things I want, according to my reason and timing. Things must go my way for me to be happy and satisfied.

TRUTH: God’s ways are higher than my ways. He is in control and works all things together for my good if I love Him and am called according to His purpose. As I trust God and do not lean on my own understanding, He will direct my paths (Proverbs 3:5; Romans 8:28). He has plans for my good, to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). Only He knows the times and seasons under His authority.

40. MYTH: I must earn any good thing to enjoy from God.

TRUTH: He has freely given me all things to enjoy. I am justified freely by His grace (Romans 3:24; 1 Corinthians 2:12; 1 Timothy 6:17; Matthew 10:8).

41. MYTH: I must have everyone’s love and approval to feel good about myself and be okay emotionally.

TRUTH: See #35, 37, 38. I can’t count on others approval for meeting my needs of worth, validation and significance. These needs are met in Christ.

42. MYTH: I must struggle to surrender or put away the flesh (my old “survival strategies”).

TRUTH: I must not try to put them away. If my mind is set on the Spirit, I will enjoy life and peace. When I just cease from my own works, then I will have rest and peace. When I just cease from my own words, then I will have rest and peace. When I abide in Christ, I will have joy (John 15:11; Hebrews 4:10). As I walk after the Spirit, (abiding and focusing on the Spirit) I won’t fulfill the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5:16).

43. MYTH: Life must be fair for me to be calm. I am a victim and cannot be okay until I am no longer victimized.

TRUTH: Life is not fair. Trials and injustices will come to all. I enter into Christ’s victory as I take up my trial (cross) daily and deny myself. I cannot follow Christ unless I do this. Calmness and peace are found only in Christ (See #31, #14, Matthew 16:24, 14:33.)

44. MYTH: My childhood issues must be dealt with before I can be okay.

TRUTH: My issues have been dealt with because I have died with Christ and am a new creation. I am okay when I recognize that He has given me the Victory and cease from my struggling (See #34, #22, Hebrews 4:10).

45. MYTH: If I punish my spouse or others, then they will love me and give me what I need.

TRUTH: I will eat the fruit of my own way. I will reap what I sow. If I sow to the flesh, I will reap corruption! As I am unselfish and love my spouse and others (sow to the Spirit), I will reap that eternal life of Christ’s sufficiency for me (Matthew 5:46; Galatians 6:7, 8; Proverbs 1:31).

46. MYTH: Love must be earned. I must please God and/or others to be loved and accepted. I must know I am loved by and important to another to be okay.

TRUTH: God loved me when I was a sinner. He freely gives me all things to enjoy. He has made me accepted in Him. I do not have to have acceptance from a person for my needs to be met. Love is my sacrifice of my old survival strategies; it is not “getting.” ALL my needs are met in Christ (See #40, #2, John 15:13; Philippians 4:19).

47. MYTH: I should not have adversity or opposition in life, relationships or marriage.

TRUTH: See #29, #31. I know that trials come to all, and I should not be surprised when they come. God allows them to happen so that I won’t depend on myself but on God (2 Corinthians 1:9).

48. MYTH: Others are to blame (are responsible) for how I feel. It is someone’s fault. I am a victim.

TRUTH: I am responsible for me (see #3). He came to restore and heal my broken soul (Luke 4:18. See also #16, 18, 26, 45).

49. MYTH: Things must go for my way for me to be fulfilled and satisfied.

TRUTH: See #37, 38, 39. Fulfillment only comes from the Lord. He will fill me with His Spirit. He will satisfy my hungry soul and quench my thirst (John 4:14).

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The above worksheet is something that the author, Anne Trippe, who specializes in marriage and family counseling, uses when she works with married couples. It is featured in the book, Marriage! The Journey, published by Essence Publishing, www.essencegroup.com. This book is unique in that “the focus is on learning to rely on the indwelling Christ to live out His life within marriage rather than relying on one’s learned strategies, religious formulas and traditional marriage building principles found in many Christian books and seminars.”

This book is written after many years of counseling hurting couples and is a follow-up to the 16-week course, Understanding Your Journey to Freedom in Marriage. You will read of the experiences of several couples caught up in various cycles of conflict. As you read of their stories and the advice that Anne shares you’ll have the opportunity to gain from the wisdom and insight she gives them. She believes, and you’ll have the opportunity to learn, “God’s design for marriage is not only for happiness but to bring us to holiness and maturity in Christ.”

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