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427 comments so far ↓

• 1 Georgann // Oct 21, 2007 at 8:00 pm

  Hello! It’s refreshing to see that others understand how hard it is sometimes to pray for those who have hurt us. I’ve been praying for my husband for 30 years. My children are grown now but I remember when they were little and their dad was mean my kids got to where they would say “Don’t tell us to pray for him!” We’d prayed for him so many times. He use to drink until this past Feb. He was a very mean drunk, especially to me, and he drank every night. I never stopped praying although it was hard to imagine him actually not drinking, I knew that God had the power. One day out of the blue, he quit. Just like that. After 25 years. I know it was Divine Intervention and I thank God daily. I don’t know why God waited so long, the effects of his drinking will linger for my family for ever but I have faith that God will help us to use these things from our past for our good and the good of His kingdom. There is a lot of hurt and pain that we are all still dealing with, would you lift us up in prayer please? Thank you.

• 2 LT // Oct 23, 2007 at 2:30 pm

  Hi - this response is for Georgann - firstly, I agree, it IS hard to pray for someone who has hurt you (and continues to do so or, in your case, has done so for many years/decades). I empathize with your situation and am ELATED to hear God divinely intervened on your behalf, to help your husband with his problem. I pray for your healing, that of your children as well as your husband (alcoholism is a symptom of something deeper).

  I assume you experienced verbal (perhaps even physical) abuse. I came to this site b/c I experienced abuse from my spouse as well. It went on for 12 years and I thought that was a long time until I read your comment. Dig through the articles here on abuse and healing from it - they are WONDERFUL tools. You might also want to check other Christian websites for abuse….but only Christian resources.

  If you have a study group or women’s prayer group you can meet with I highly suggest you meet with them - not to husband bash but to lift him up in prayer as well as the whole family and experience God’s healing power in your life.

  God has changed my marriage but I tell you - it was NOT at all the way I envisioned. It was hard. But it’s worth it- Praise God. I pray for your whole family!

  With love, your Christian sister, LT

• 3 Georgann // Oct 25, 2007 at 9:03 pm

  Dear LT, Thank you for your kind words and prayers. It is very uplifting and encouraging for me to know someone is praying. I’m happy to know your marriage was healed and is okay now. I long for Christian fellowship, but I can’t pursue it at the moment. I read everything Christian I can find, Joyce Myers, TD Jakes, Beth Moore, etc….. and of course, the Bible, daily as well as Oswald Chambers devotional,”My Utmost For His Highest”. I can not imagine life without God.

  I have an area I struggle with harder than anything, I lie to my husband. We work together, so we’re together 24/7 and it’s so hard. He’s critical and demanding. But if a problem arises, especially financially I try to hide it to keep him from getting upset and it usually turns out to be a big huge mess.

  I have made such an awful mess of things right now, behind on taxes, checks bounced… it’s so humiliating. For the last couple of months it’s been so stressful, things have just snowballed, everyday it’s worse and worse. I get angry because I need to talk to my husband but I just can’t, I know his reaction. Yesterday he found out some of it. A vendor brought in a check and it’s been insane every since.

  At first i was relieved, I thought it was all going to come out, the whole mess, and we could deal with it, but I just cannot make myself tell him anything he doesn’t find out on his own. I just can’t. He’s wanting to see records, etc. of proof of what’s been paid and what hasn’t and I’m a total wreck around him. In my heart I know God is in control and He’s working on both of us and I know I should trust God more than I fear my husband’s wrath but it’s so hard.

  Please continue to pray for us, I’m getting through one minute at a time! I believe with all of my heart that my Lord is with us and trying to correct years of dysfunction. I’m just so ashamed, my husband doesn’t agree with my time I spend in the word, etc. He thinks I’m fake about it. What is my behavior saying to him? I can’t believe I’ve said all of this, I usually say nothing to anyone! I just need prayer so badly, we both do. You seem genuinely sincere and have a heart like Jesus. Thank you again for your prayers and kindness, In His Love, Georgann

• 4 LT // Nov 4, 2007 at 9:15 pm

  (USA) Hi Georgann, I wanted to get back to you, albeit a little overdue, on your last comment. Well, you’ve already seen your sin and your heart has already convicted you on your lying. Good for you! That is God at work in you!

  My suggestion on that one is: you know it’s wrong. You also know that your husband will most likely react in a way that is unpleasant (anger, hostility, yelling, etc.) However, we as Christians, are we not called to do the right thing in the eyes and the law (the Word) of God? Yes. And you already know what that is because you have pointed it out in your comment. Recognizing sin is the first step. God has already guided you to step one. Therefore, trust Him to guide you through the remaining steps.

  Tell God in your honest prayers that, God, I know my husband will react harshly but I will tell him the truth in all matters because it is what you, God, desire.

  Georgann, my dear sister, the Bible says God has not given us a spirit of fear, but, rather, of a sound mind. (II Timothy 1:7) Pray beforehand, each time you must share news that your husband may not react well to. God can give you the strength and keep you out of fear. Fear is of Satan. If you lie, knowingly, then Satan has won. If you fear, Satan has won. Don’t let Satan win.

  The Bible also says be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove. (Matthew 10:16) In the case where you know your husband will react wrongfully/sinfully, and you don’t have to tell him, then let him discover things on his own. If it’s not your job to report daily, then don’t. That is not lying.

  Only you know whether you are lying or not. It’s hard for me to tell without all the details but I think both scriptures, above, will help you in your dilemma. God is with you!! You need not fear. If you do, then fervently pray to God to help you overcome that. But also do so knowing that Christians will suffer, from time to time, just as Christ did. This is what he said to us.

  If you are faced with a conversation where you have no choice but to tell the truth and you get a harsh reaction, then you know you did so because you were standing up for Christ! And that is worth it, in the long run, every time! Suffering for Christ is what all Christians will face, from time to time. (I Peter 4:12-13; see also I Peter 5:9, Acts 5:41, Romans 5:3, II Corinthians 1:5; all of these talk about suffering for righteousness’ sake, for doing the “right” thing, even though it is hard and the consequences may be hard).

  My last note is on you meeting with other believers. Georgann, the Bible commands us to meet with other believers. Hebrews 10:25. This is where you will draw strength, especially during hard times. And it is also where you will learn more about God’s word. If you are not meeting because of physical circumstances (long hours at work or car trouble, etc.) then pray for God to fix that problem so that you can meet with other believers.

  If you are not meeting with others, because your husband tells you not to, then you must put God first, before your husband. Women are to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5), unless it conflicts with the Word of God. At that point you must put God first. If this is the case, then pray for God to change your husband’s heart and mind on letting you meet with other believers.

  I continue to lift you up in prayer. Please let us know how your journey of faith continues.

• 5 Georgann // Nov 19, 2007 at 4:16 am

  (US) Hi LT. I know it’s taken me a while to answer, I come to this site almost nightly, tho and read your post and the verses. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for such loving and wise council. It’s been hard to write about all of this. I’m still dealing with the “mess” but feel God is really teaching me a very important lesson. I hate to admit it to myself or to you but the fact is, I fear my husbands wrath more than I trust God.

  I read the Bible nightly and nightly I realize the Lord’s love for me and my husband, His faithfulness. His promise is that the fire will not consume me but I can’t bring myself to do or say anything that brings out the “green eyed monster.” I have tried. One time in particular a matter needed dealing with that was a result of my mismanagement and I sucked it up and blurted it out, (it took me hours) and the reaction from him was the same, explosive and mean.

  I feel that God was making a point to my husband, I’ve tried and tried to explain to him how his actions and his words affect me and he is in such deep denial, he refuses to accept the possibility that his behavior is anything other than how someone “like me” has to be treated.

  I told him that I was sorry that I had been honest with him about the situation, that I would rather try to deal with things on my own than go through the same torrent of insults, etc…. I know by your words of reminder of God’s Word, that it was right for me to tell him, tho regardless of his reaction. It’s just very very hard.

  Since then there have been some other issues tho that have come up that I didn’t discuss with him that I should have and I get so disgusted with myself. I know my lack of faith and my disobedience is costing me and my family and I feel so badly about it. I am praying continually. I know that the Lord knows the whole situation and He knows better than I myself why I am the way I am. I thank Him daily for His unfailing and unwavering love.

  When we do have to deal with some of the problems I have caused with the business I feel so bad for my husband. We’re having to deal with so many other issues right now, I feel so disappointed to be an added cause of stress to him. I have always longed to be his “helper” and a blessing to him so far I haven’t done so well. I remind myself daily that I am a work in progress!

  I’ve been thinking a lot said about fellowshipping with other believers. I use to pray about this pretty often. I haven’t so much lately but will begin again. I long for the companionship of other believers. Sometimes when browsing on the web I see pictures of friends laughing, crying, and I get envious, I know I shouldn’t, God agrees that I would benefit from a church home. He knows my need so I leave it to His timing to supply a way. My husband doesn’t want me to go to church. But I will earnestly begin again praying to the Lord about it. I would love to go, I would love the fellowship, the Bible Study… I have to go now, please accept my sincere thanks for taking the time to discuss this with me.. God Bless, Georgann

• 6 zukiswa // Nov 28, 2007 at 3:48 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi LT, Your mails are so inspiring. I am separated with my husband, but I’m still trusting God. Pray with me. Thanx

• 7 Sue // Nov 28, 2007 at 7:29 pm

  (USA) I just recently started praying for my husband it seems hopeless, but I continue and will get into more detail later!

• 8 Deborah // Nov 29, 2007 at 8:00 pm

  (USA) I came across this, I believe, by God’s intervention. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. We both were married previously and have 3 children from each of those marriages. He is 10 yrs older so his children are all adults, mine are still teens.

  My husband is a co-pastor in our small church and we have always made it a point to pray and study the word together, yet also having our private time with the Lord as well. Recently I was injured and I am unable to work temporarily which has put a burden on my husband.

  He has always been a very good father and husband. Never has he raised his voice in anger nor a hand to me or my children. I thank God for such a good man that he has given me. Recently he has closed himself off a little bit, immersed himself into his job to provide putting in 20 hours of overtime every 2 weeks, which causes his body to be fatigued and he’s very tired. He misses Bible study, and has forgotten our prayer and study time we do together. He rushes off early to work to get those extra hours, returns late nightly. He has pulled away from the intimate part of our marriage. I feel to blame. I feel I am just a burden to him. I have become so terribly depressed feeling very unloved and undesirable. Please tell me, how I can approach this sensitive issue? My husband is not very open when it comes to talk about being intimate.

• 9 Cheral // Dec 10, 2007 at 5:07 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Deborah,

  I’ve only seen your message just now Deborah. We’ve just been through something similar in fact. Lift him up in prayer, consistently. Leave little notes for him. Please don’t feel depressed, unloved or undesirable. If you were the very last person left on earth, Jesus would still have died on the cross for you. You are so special Deborah, try to see the special things that God is doing for you, because once you can connect to His Joy, you’ll see how things will start improving. Your husband is just tired … and losing out on his daily prayer time and Bible study etc is what’s making him feel depressed, which probably looks like he’s “pulling away”. Please keep on praying. The devil knows you are both vulnerable now and will start throwing rocks to crack your bridge. JUST PUSH THROUGH.

  Deborah, you are NOT burden on your hubby. It’s just a trial that you two have to get through together. So try to reject the devils way of thinking, and let the Joy of God carry you through. You two already have something that others don’t. One thought though — perhaps your feelings of guilt, depression, inadequacy etc are what’s pushing your hubby away. You’re amazing. Please remember that. You are truly an amazing woman … so try not to let this trial become much bigger than it really is. I love you, and am praying for you sister.

• 10 LT // Dec 10, 2007 at 10:20 am

  (USA) Hi Cheral (and Deborah), Cheral, I couldn’t have said it better myself! Everything you say is right on! It’s taken a LONG time filled with trials for many recent months for me to finally get in touch with the joy and peace that God brings. I think this world tells us we are inadequate and after so many years, we just believe it.

  The Bible does say otherwise though. God does love each and everyone of us. And, also, through the wonderful messages I’ve received from other beautiful Christian brothers and sisters, I’ve been told they love me, too. Just like Cheral loves you. That’s always comforting.

  Yes, Deborah - listen to Cheral’s very sound and Godly wisdom and advice. She is truly dead on. Not just about God loving you but also about the situation you are in. I agree completely, your husband is probably pulling away just from stress and tiredness. And your illness is a trial. That’s all. It’s something God is allowing to strengthen you. You’ll be much stronger when you come through and you will. It’s not a deal-breaker. God will allow the trial to end on His perfect timing. You are in my prayers, With love, LT

• 11 LT // Dec 13, 2007 at 2:49 pm

  (USA) Hi Zukiswa, Thank you, so much, for your kind words. I have gained a lot of trust, understanding and knowledge because of my walk with God, through all the trials He allows to happen in my life. I share that here for anyone who might benefit from it. I am glad that you are helped by my comments. The Holy Spirit guides me to write what I write to others - that is why you are inspired by it - they are God’s words to me, and through me.

  I will certainly keep you in my prayers, and all the other beautiful people I’ve been in touch with through this web site, including Cindy Wright.

  Zukiswa, your words touched my heart! Here is a great verse that I would like to share with you; it is one I think of when I think of all the wonderful people who minister on this web site, including people who write in like you and Georgann: "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:3-6)

• 12 Straube // Dec 14, 2007 at 2:19 am

  (THE NETHERLANDS) Hello sisters around the world. Wow, it is great to read your incredible stories. I see that we women go through a lot. That is exactly the reason why we need to be powerful women. I was most hit by the story of Georgann. I did not yet read the book the power of a praying wife, but want to do so. But I read other books that helped me to focus on my relationship with God. For instance I read Boundaries in Marriage. And this book really helped me to get clear that when I know my own boundaries. I am responsible for telling people that they are crossing my boundaries.

  I am not letting anyone cross my boundaries. I have a right to live and of a free space where i can live in. My husband …..our marriage was also in physical danger. There were a couple of times when he hit me hard, and it confused me and I thought this was the only time he did it — he will never do this again. But next time he did the same thing. Until I left my husband and told him the only way I come back is when you get help otherwise our marriage is over. And if he didn’t seek help I would have done this. Because I believe we do not have to be faithful to our husbands when we are in physical danger. God doesn’t want that for us.

  Our husbands have choices, and they can choose to get help for this behavior. When he chooses to hit you he chooses to be unfaithful to you. He is then breaking the promise to you. It is not the other way around. He really needs help when he hits you because he can not change his own behavior by himself. More often they were in abuse themselves before they do things like that. They had wrong examples.

  In my situation my husband knew that he had to do something and found help. He went in a group of abusing man and learned more about abuse. We have both still a lot to learn, also for me with my sharp tongue, but God changed our marriage so much that it gives me faith to carry on. Boundaries are also there for a reason. And you need to tell people about your boundaries, because they can’t tell by themselves. They need you to say they crossed the line.

  You also need someone you trust and who knows your husband. I pray you find someone close by who can help you stay save and be your friend. I do not know why I found this website and found your writings, but I do know I serve an awesome God who does not have any boundaries around the globe (like the lines of country’s). Lots of love. I pray for you all. God is an awesome God.

• 13 Lissy // Dec 18, 2007 at 1:28 am

  (KENYA) Hello, I just stumbled on this website as I am in some kind of despair. My fiancee has become quite selfish.This made me do something drastic and now my family does not really approve of our relationship. I somehow overreacted which is now causing damage for us. I have always read the prayers in Stormie’s book and always pray for my fiance’s priorities… God seems to answer my prayers then pulls back! I don’t understand! We love each other and are working on this but my actions have made everyone meddle into our life!

• 14 Bridget // Jan 2, 2008 at 2:38 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA)  Hi everyone

  This is my first time entering this website. Infact, I saw Stormie’s book a while ago before I got married. I’m now married for exactly a year and I’m already having problems in my marriage. Currently, I’m going through a dark cloud and needed a lot of support from my partner. He does not drink nor does he smoke and he’s 10yrs older than me, which scares me even more because then I do not have an excuse as to why he is failing to be supportive to me at a time when I needed him the most.

  I felt a lot of disappointment and found myself wondering if he is the life partner that I thought him to be. He hasn’t even had time to notice how much I needed him because he’s been consumed in his own life and friends. When I spoke to him to try and explain to him my disappointment and pain that I’m going through right now…NOTHING changed.

  I feel that maybe he got married to the idea of marriage and not to me. That is the only thing to me right now that explains his behaviour. I, on the other hand thought I was marrying the man of my dreams who’ll always be there for me at a time of need. I think, we might love each other but unfortunately either have different understanding of what marriage is or just do not have the same goal in mind.

  Sadly so, I feel that I’m ready for a seperation. I feel that I should give him time to re-focus or decide if marriage is the right path for him because right now…I don’t think it is…

  I’m at a cross-road because I’ve been experiencing his unavailability to me for a while now but have been trying to be understanding and compromised. I really have to wonder if he’ll ever be available for me and if by that time I’d still love him the way I do…

• 15 LT // Jan 3, 2008 at 4:10 pm

  (USA) Hi Bridget, Sorry to hear of your marital disappointments. Please look at the following link, from this website:

  http://www.marriagemissions.com/category/emotionally-distant-spouse/

  The one, REALLY important thing (among many) I learned through this website (and that I’ve had to share with many female friends and sisters in Christ because they had unrealistic expectations of their husbands) is that no one person can fulfill all your emotional needs, including your husband.

  Only Christ can truly fulfill you in a way that is far surpassing of anything human, physical, or Earthly.

  My strong sense, as a Christian who has walked this walk for a while now, from reading what you’ve written and your dilemma is that God is telling you, through this current trial right now, that you need to get closer to God.

  You have not found true and total fulfillment from Christ, otherwise you wouldn’t be looking to your husband to fill the void. Your husband should be there for you and be a life partner, but he cannot fill ALL your voids - only Christ can.

  This trial is being allowed, by God above, right now because Christ wants you to get to know him better and be filled, from within, with His love.

  Divorce (and even separation) is not the answer unless you are being abused and your physical safety is an issue, and it does not sound like that is the case from what you describe.

  Divorce is a sin, unless someone is unfaithful or an unbelieving partner leaves the marriage. In any other case, divorce is not allowed. See I Corinthians 7. Separation is acceptable, but only if both parties agree to it and it is done for the express purpose of prayer and there is a date set for both spouses to return to live under the same roof.

  It is when we are broken that we fall to our knees. Matthew 5 says blessed are the poor in spirit. When we are poor in spirit (which is what you are right now) we call and cry out to God and it is then that he can answer us and be assured that we are listening.

  God does hear your prayers and your calls right now. Of this, in my heart, I am certain.

  Dearest Bridget, Seek God to fill your needs at this trying time in your life. When two individuals are filled with God from within- that is when they can have a truly Godly marriage. Instead of focusing on your husband’s sins or shortcomings, focus on your relationship with Christ and it is there that you will find true and everlasting peace and fulfillment.

  I speak as a formerly abused wife who found comfort, solace, safety and solution in Christ, not anywhere else. And I am still married, as well. With love and I’ll keep you in my prayers, LT

• 16 Rachael // Jan 4, 2008 at 11:51 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) Dear LT - your response to Bridget’s letter has encouraged me a lot and has strengthened me. I as well am married for a year now - I feel pregnant in the first month of our marriage - and now God as blessed me with a baby boy. He is 2 months old now and my husband has not shown much interest in me or the baby. In my heart I know he loves us but I don’t understand why we are at the bottom of his priority list - work, friends etc comes first. I can’t even remember when last we have spent quality time together. I want to say thanks for your encouraging words to Bridget, it also applies to me. I NEED to put GOD first in my life and seek him for HE is my strength and Joy. I cannot depend on my husband to fulfill all my needs.

• 17 LT // Jan 4, 2008 at 4:44 pm

  (USA) Hi Rachael, Firstly, congratulations on the birth of a beautiful baby boy!! Wow!

  As a mom myself, I can confirm, regardless of how much or how little support you have from those around you (unless you just have about 5 nannies with you), the first 6 months are SOOOO tiring and hard. Between hormones, tiredness and the overwhelming task of a job you’ve never had before and have no qualifications for, it’s hard. Just hang in there.

  Actually - it was motherhood itself (as well as a husband that could be very unloving) that helped me die to self, more than anything else, because I had a little one depending on me and I had to learn how to do everything, including going to the bathroom, differently. I always came last. Men do not really know what it’s like for new moms.

  Try to get together with your girlfriends or female relatives as much as you can. There is nothing wrong with trying to share your thoughts with your husband. If you think he’ll hear you on it, you can tell him you need him more.

  We women (and moms) have these dreams of us all being together as a happy family, all the time, the minute the baby is born and we feel up to it - I had those dreams, too, but that didn’t happen as much as I wanted either.

  It is hard but as you said yourself, God is our strength. Keep tapping into that and walking in the faith of that and you’ll get past all the problems. With love, LT

• 18 wendy // Jan 10, 2008 at 7:30 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Bridgette, I just want to say that I know exactly what you going through. Many times I’ve wanted to throw in the towel. I’ve just made a choice to cry out to the Lord for help.They say your 1st year is the hardest and most difficult, if you survive it, you can survive anything. Just remember your promise before God and know that you were joined for a purpose which Satan is not pleased about; that’s why he will try to destroy your union. Pray my sister. Things have gotten a lot better for us. I’m now expecting our first baby, and have been married for 14months.

• 19 LT // Jan 10, 2008 at 4:57 pm

  (USA) Hi Wendy, That is such a beautiful testimony!

• 20 Jodie // Jan 15, 2008 at 9:31 am

  (USA) I have read some of the comments that are here and they are really inspiring to me. My husband does things that I don’t want to say and I really get frustrated when he comes home high honestly I don’t want to let him in the house. But he is a great father and a great husband and a wonderful friend. I pray for him all the time that is of course when I am not mad at him. I know from personnel experience that GOD can and will break any addiction there is because I used to do drugs even after I was saved but I went to church one day and asked the lord to baptize me with HIS HOLY SPIRIT and when HE did WOW!!!! I have never been the same and I have never did any drugs since or had any cravings for them.

  I also used to smoke cigarettes and I prayed for many years that GOD help me stop smoking and one day again I just quit PRAISE GOD!!!!!! But I only could do the things with GOD. I have a really hard time not losing my temper with my husband because I know that GOD has a special plan for him and I know that he can be more than what he is being now.

  It is hard for me to accept all the excuses my husband has. Because I know if he would truly seek God and give his life to HIM than he (my husband) could get a revelation of who he is to our FATHER JESUS CHRIST. Pray for us. Thanks in HIS name. JODIE

• 21 LT // Jan 15, 2008 at 3:14 pm

  (USA) Hi Jodie, That is an awesome testimony AND I love the story about your baptism of the Holy Spirit. If only more people out there knew that this was possible. I honestly think that there are a lot of God followers out there who may not have God’s Holy Spirit, but either aren’t aware of that or (even worse) think they already do.

  It’s inspiring to read your story. I’m sorry your husband has not come to God in the same level you have, but one thing I’ve learned is that, if someone isn’t seeking, you can’t really make them see God AND it’s possible it’s not God’s time for them yet. I will certainly keep you in my prayers, however, and your husband. Even if he isn’t seeking God as strongly as you, there’s nothing wrong in praying for him!

  I myself got an "extra portion" of God’s Spirit about a year ago. It was nice before I got that, but since I got more of it (which was not a concept for me until someone mentioned it was possible) - I had the same reaction - WOW! I wish everyone could experience that. God bless, LT

• 22 Jodie // Jan 16, 2008 at 6:43 am

  (USA) Thanks for your response. I know that my timing for my husband to truly seek GOD and to truly turn his life over to HIM is not going to be the same as GOD’S timing but its very hard to be patient. I don’t want my children to ever know what their dad does. I grew up in a home with parents who were on drugs and selling them. I don’t want my children to ever have to experience that and I don’t want them to ever have to look at their dad differently than they look at him now. I want them to always look up to their dad the way they do now. And I don’t want them to grow up and use what their dad is doing as an excuse for them to do it. Do you know what I mean?

  You know, I know that all of this is in GOD’S hands at all times, and in GOD’S timing, not mine, things will change. I am involved with the jail ministry. This is where we go in to the jails and tell the girls and guys of GOD’S great love and his forgiveness and what HE has done for us on the cross. Anyway, I think that with GOD’S help, my husband would be awesome in this ministry because of the testimony he is going to have once he truly seeks GOD and gives GOD his whole heart, soul, and mind to him.

  I think that you have to have been there to know what it’s like in jail. I have been in jail before only for a weekend but that was long enough for me. And I also have done my fair share of partying too. So the girls in jail can really relate to me. I give GOD thanks because, even though at the time I did not want to be in jail, now I have a amazing testimony to tell them and I also have a heart for them. SO I think that GOD lets some things happen for a reason –not that HE makes bad things happen because our GOD is a loving and good GOD. I just think he lets things happen because he knows the end results. PRAISE GOD!!! So maybe GOD is letting my husband go through and struggle with what he is struggling with, because GOD knows the end results. I just pray that GOD will break these addictions in my husband, sooner rather than later. IN HIS NAME, JODIE

• 23 cecilia // Jan 18, 2008 at 4:59 am

  (RSA) This is the first time I have entered this website. I really thank God that I found people who listen and support us throughout our difficulties. It’s been 2 years since we got married but my husband has changed a lot. He is so harsh and always angry. He makes no time for me and is very quiet. He no longer goes to church and doesn’t want to pray with me. I am so hurt and I don’t know what to do. Every time I try to talk about this, he gets angry and tells me things will be fine. I have been praying and waiting since August last year. Things seem to be getting worse. I want out of the marriage but I didn’t know how. Every time I thought of packing my bags and going, my heart tells me that I love him and I always feel pity for him. Please pray with me. I really want my marriage to work.

• 24 Cindy Wright // Jan 18, 2008 at 9:44 am

  Dear Cecilia, You sound like a very loyal and loving wife. Your husband is very blessed to have you. I pray someday he realizes the gift you are to him. He has the potential to learn things he never could have learned if he didn’t have you. That’s one of the reasons God said, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” God recognizes the gifts that a wife brings into the relationship.

  As I read and prayed over your note, a few thoughts came to mind that you might prayerfully consider. The first thought is that your husband obviously knew how to WIN your heart and cause you to fall in love with him in the first place, but he doesn’t seem to know how to KEEP your heart and TEND TO ITS NEEDS now that he has it. He had enough knowledge and energy to know what he wanted and how to get it (you). He fell in love with you and did what it took to win your heart. But beyond that, he’s obviously clueless.

  I doubt that he realized how complex you were as a woman and how you would challenge him and it angers him because he is confused as to what to do with the needs you now express. Your needs are different than his and he’s doesn’t understand this (and right now his mind may even be closed to learning what is beyond his own understanding– but don’t underestimate what God can do in you and through you as you follow the Lord’s leading). Your husband tries to quiet you because he doesn’t want to hear your discontentedness — after-all, it’s a reflection on him and makes him uncomfortable in all his confusion over this situation. Plus, his needs are different than yours. Shortsightedly, he thinks yours should be the same as his. That’s why he says “things will be fine.” He probably thinks that eventually you will settle in to see that his way is the best way and then the problem will be solved, as far as he is concerned. It’s obvious that he doesn’t understand you as a woman or all of what it takes to make a marriage good. Marriage is a partnership, with each bringing their own gifts into it, to make it work the best it can. And your giftedness is different than what he thought, or now thinks, he could embrace. He doesn’t realize what God can do in and through you as you put your hand into His.

  There could be many different reasons why your husband doesn’t know how to show you the love and attention you need. It doesn’t mean that his love for you isn’t deep inside of him, but it may be that he doesn’t know how to properly express it and live it out over the long term (most everyone can do things over the short term). It could be that he was never taught how to be a good husband and/or he never had it modeled for him. Part of the mix of all of what is happening, could be a cultural attitude he has picked up, and/or he has a personality that is relationally-challenged when it comes to interacting in a marriage partnership, as a good marriage demands.

  There are many other reasons why all of this could be. But the fact is that you have a problem here, and you need God to teach you how work within this situation. This is where prayer comes in. Not only do you need to pray for your marriage and for your husband’s spiritual growth, but you also need wisdom as to how to make the best out of this situation, step-by-step, day-by-day — whatever comes your way. God can use you in miraculous ways if you open yourself up to what He can do.

  Your marriage journey will be different than what you ever thought it would be … but then it is with all of us. However, your life is not over. We serve a God who works miracles and can give you wisdom for your particular marriage and wisdom as to how to bring the best out of your husband as well as your partnership. But you need to be very prayerful and deliberate in how you interact with your husband. He doesn’t even realize the treasures you could open up for him in his life. But God knows, and He understands your husband. Go with God, and let the Holy Spirit guide you as your Wonderful Counselor. Don’t look at how other marriages work for them, learn from them what you need to, in order to make YOUR marriage work. Glean and adapt what you can use for your marriage. Our web site, and other things and people God brings your way, will help you as you open your mind and spirit. And don’t limit the time and effort it will take. You will be pushed to your limits at times. However, you can know that God will give you the strength and insight you need as you call upon Him in every situation. Keep in mind that God is “able to do exceedingly above all we ever ask or think” — and that promise is for you as well as it is for everyone else.

  Live out what it says in Proverbs 3: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.”

  I pray God’s blessing upon you and your journey. I pray for you what it says in Philippians 1:9-11 … “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God.”

• 25 Ceclia // Jan 21, 2008 at 12:19 am

  (RSA) Cindy you have explained this situation as if you are with us everyday. I thank God for making it so clear to you. I didn’t know how to explain. Our God is good all the time. Thank you for the response. It gives me peace and I will never stop praying. I know that God will answer my prayers in HIS own way. I believe that God has a purpose with my life and it’s not a mistake that I am with my husband. I believe that God will make a way. I will stay on my knees until I find joy, peace, happiness and love in my marriage. I won’t give up because my God is faithful and HE promises that He will NEVER leave us nor forsake us. I will pray no matter what. Thank you for everything. I can see God is in control of my situation through your response. May God richly bless you.

• 26 Tarisai // Jan 21, 2008 at 4:00 am

  (ZIMBABWE) It’s my first time joining in the discussions and I must say God had a reason for me to open this website. I identified quite a number of issues that used to affect me also in my marriage. I’ve been married for five years and the first four years were difficult. At one point I thought of separation and I had this independence in me. I then read a book on the power of prayer and I started praying to God that I wanted him to save my marriage. I prayed for my husband and told God that I needed him in my marriage and I needed to see the good things in my husband and learn to rekindle what we once had.

  I also had the habit of saying whatever I felt regardless of what my husband felt and caused a lot of problems. In fact it made things worse. But all those things are now things of the past since a I started a relationship with God. Now I’m able to keep quiet where I’m required, because I asked God to open my mouth only when it’s necessary. The few times that we now disagree, I usually keep quiet and just pray to God and the next few minutes or days I see a change in my life.

  I have also seen a change in my husband. Our relationship has greatly improved. I always thank God for the moment that I got to know him better and praise him. My verse that strengthens me more is Philippians 4 vs 13 where it says "I can do all things possible through Christ who strengthens me’. I say to all of you with problems everything is possible through Christ. The loving marriage you desire is possible through the Lord. Tell the Lord your problems and let him take control of your life and you will enjoy your marriage. Don’t limit God every thing is possible. Bridget, I know how you feel for I once felt that way but you can enjoy your marriage just take it to the Lord and don’t limit him and he will bless. Keep on praying.

• 27 Hendy // Feb 20, 2008 at 2:39 am

  (NAMIBIA) My first time visiting this site. My name is Hendy, from Namibia. I have similar problems with my husband, have been married for a year and a half. We’ve been blessed with another baby again. There are other children too. My husband hasn’t been respecting me, just going without saying where he is heading too. I couldn’t handle this and was talking about it. He is taking alcohol, although he was saved but has back-slidden.

  It became so worse now that I suspect that he is seeing another woman also. He is a very loving, kind and a good husband which any woman can cry for, but only his alcohol and the friends make my life so unbearable. I made a mistake by losing my standing with God because of him. I tried to fix things myself. I’ve realized yesterday that he acquired a second mobile number, to use while away from home, that’s why I couldn’t reach him since the number I know was constantly off! This hurt so much, but with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, IF YOU BELIEVE!

  It is hard yes, but I keep on praying. I don’t know how long this will be, but I’ve moved out of the house yesterday, upon finding out about the other woman!! I feel so much betrayed but although it’s hard, I must concentrate on God FROM NOW ON. I’ve neglected my calling, and it might have cost me my marriage! Please learn from my mistake, I pray God for mercy because I still love my HONEY.

  Please pray with me. I will give feedback after God has intervened. Keep on praying for your husbands, it might not be easy but you stand by your calling!!! Know that every woman throughout the world has to be on her knees to save her children and marriage, and the governments. We are the power-sources, stay plugged in!! Be blessed

• 28 Emmaculate // Feb 21, 2008 at 3:26 am

  (ZIMBABWE) This is my first time on this website. My friend emailed me about this web address after realizing what I have been going through in my marriage for the past three years. My husband does have another woman and child outside our marriage. He also does have other children from previous relationships. He always claims that he loves me. It hurts a lot. Until last year I had lost my faith for quite a number of years. When I decided to go back to church and to start reading the Bible, I felt the power of God working in me. He uplifted me spiritually, I wasn’t working and I got a job. There was a calmness in which I didn’t experience before.

  But the main reason is that my husband’s attitude is still the same and as I am writing this I am thinking of a separation. I have heard enough of his lies. He can go for days without even bothering to come home. I used to get so worked up with his behavior but now I have given up. I hope I get strength from the Lord and from you my friends. Let’s keep praying for each other and give each other strength in these trying times. God Bless

• 29 Sue // Feb 21, 2008 at 4:29 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi everyone, I have started reading this book too, a long time ago. And well, I just started slipping away from God more and more, and yet when I think back, while I was praying I can see were God changed my husband. But what I didn’t cover in prayer, has not changed. Today, about 2 weeks ago my husband and I have come to cross roads once again. I have been praying day and night that God will restore my marriage and that we will be reconciled and that God should use me as the tool of reconciliation. However, I have been so "busy" with praying "God please bring us back together again" that I never realized until Monday that what God really wants is for ME to draw closer to HIM. And what a difference that has made.

  God is busy at work within me, and I hope and pray that my husband will see the transformation within in me and we could be reconciled. I love my husband very much, but I love and need God so much more. I just hope that Gods will in my life is what I want too. I don’t want to lose my husband. Someone said to me today "STOP TELLING GOD HOW BIG YOUR STORM IS, START TELLING YOUR STORM HOW BIG YOUR GOD IS".

• 30 Tarisai // Mar 11, 2008 at 3:05 am

  (ZIMBABWE) Hie everyone. After reading the mails above I noticed that as women we should pray for our husbands, families and each other too. I noticed that in this world we are fighting with the devil and principles of darkness Ephesians 6vs 10-18. The devil is there and if we are not strong in prayer we won’t conquer. The Lord says in Jeremiah 32 vs 27 " “Behold I am the Lord the God of all flesh, is there anything too hard for me."

  I say to all of you is if you read this verse carefully the Lord is telling us to take all our problems to him because there is nothing too hard for him. In Philippians 4 vs 13 he says again that I can do all things possible through Christ who strengthens me. We are able to conquer the devil through prayer and when we pray let us claim the promises in the Bible and you will see what the Lord does. Everything is possible through the Lord. There is nothing that the Lord has no solution for, and we should not tire to pray. The Lord will answer our prayers.

  If you read Psalms 91, the whole chapter, it strengthens you further as it shows that the Lord is there when we think he is not there. Like I highlighted above, we need to pray ladies and we should have faith to believe what you are praying way before the Lord has answered. I think our biggest weakness is not to have faith when praying and setting limits for God that my problem is too big for the Lord. I agree with Sue that we should tell the problem how great our Lord is and seek his power to lead us and deliver us from problems.

  Ladies let us also pray for each and most importantly let us pray with faith for our husbands and children. Don’t give up. The Lord wants people who are patient and persevere up to the end.

  I just want to share with you what happened to me today. I told my husband that I had forgotten to give him some cvs and I would give it to him in the evening. He did not hear clearly what I had said so that it generated into an argument and he started shouting. I did not say anything hurtful and kept quiet and he went on and on about the issue. When I got to work, I prayed and said “Lord, I believe I did not say anything hurtful but if I did or if he did, please help each one of us reflect on the conversation and that person should be able to ask for forgiveness.” 30 minutes later my hubby phoned and apologized for shouting at me. He has never apologized before. It was the first time and I knew that I had not said anything bad for I have learned to keep quiet in arguments until I have cooled down and then I will say words that will not hurt anyone. I said to the Lord thank you for replying my prayer. It made me realize that the Lord is there and is always listening to us. Some prayers are answered instantly, some take time, but what we should never forget is the Lord hears us and will answer our prayers. God Bless

• 31 Mary // Mar 11, 2008 at 7:52 am

  (ZAMBIA) Tarisai, your comment just came in at the right time. I had an argument with my husband 4 days ago, and we haven’t really been on speaking terms. I take it he is in the wrong and he thinks I was in the wrong. I have had too much bitterness in my heart. However, I have quoted the scriptures you put down and I will read them through and pray that God grants me a forgiving heart.

  The situation at home has been stressful, but I will learn to persevere and be patient with my husband and also pray for him to realize his faults too. Thank you! God bless you and all the women at prayer!!!

• 32 Sue // Mar 13, 2008 at 3:18 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Tarisai, I have found so much encouragement in your letter, but the best of all that I want to share with all you ladies is this, God is powerful !

  It has been almost a month since I wrote my previous comment, and to tell the truth, my husband and I have "separated" since then. By "separated" I mean, we still live in the same house just different bedrooms. I have been praying as Stormie suggested in her book day and night, and I just want to share with each of you what has happened. I truly believe that DIVORCE is NOT an option for any of us, as we are children of God. Therefore I have been praying "as if" my husband and I have been united. I have been through Stormie’s book 3 times and will continue reading it and praying along the same lines.

  My husband and I were not on talking terms when I wrote my previous comment, but we are on talking terms again. Believe it or not our sex life is great, but we aren’t "together" anymore as he says. And he has to keep reminding himself that! My husband is a wonderful person, and would be a great witness - he just has that type of personality that draws people to him - but unfortunately he does not know the Lord as his personal Saviour, but that is going to change VERY soon. I know that God is up to something!!!!

  This last week we have been spending time together as friends and lovers, and I can see that God is changing things between us. Previously where things would have bothered me, now I just couldn’t care less cos I know that it is God’s problem not mine. The Lord is in control. What I really want to say is that PRAYER CHANGES THINGS !!! It really does. I know how much I have grown in the last 3 weeks, its amazing! The Lord is the first thing I think of in mornings when I wake up and the last thought I have at night before I fall asleep.

  I just want to say thanks to those of you who have prayed with me for our marriage to be renewed, restored and transformed. God is breathing HIS LIFE into our marriage! God has given each of us so much to be thankful for. At the moment I am thankful that God will restore and renew my marriage and that my husband will accept God into his life. The power of the Holy Spirit can transform anything or anyone to where God wants them to be, in order to enable us to HEAR HIS VOICE! God bless

• 33 Tarisai // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:31 am

  (ZIMBABWE) I was so happy when I read about what the Lord has done in Sue’s marriage. The Lord is good and will always be. Sue, this is just the beginning of something big that the Lord wants to do in your life. Keep on praying and he will guide you. Remember the Israelites, the Lord removed them from the house of bondage and placed them in a country of honey and milk and that is exactly what the Lord is doing in your marriage. I will keep on praying for you and the rest of the women out there for our marriages to work and above all to work in God’s direction so that we have Godly marriages.

  Mary, the situation that you have we all have gone through, but what you need to do is keep on praying and through faith everything is possible. God will answer your prayers and give you the most enjoyable marriage. I’m glad that you believe in perseverance, which is important. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and your soul and he will deliver you from pain.

  Ladies, let us all pray for each other and let the Lord strengthen and refine our marriages. God bless and enjoy the Easter holidays and remember Christ died for us because he loves us. If we truly love our husbands we should keep on praying and remember not to say anything hurtful in the heat of the moment, but to calm down first and ask God for advice on how to deal with the situation. That is also the sacrifice that Jesus made for us

• 34 Anne // Mar 21, 2008 at 3:18 am

  (CANADA) Hi everyone this is my first time on this site. I’ve read a lot of encouraging things and I agree us women need to get down on our knees and pray for our marriages and husbands. I’m reading Stormie’s book now. This is the 2nd time. The 1st time I didn’t comprehend the magnitude of that book since I was still in my "honeymoon" stage.

  I’ve been married for 2 yrs now and things went from great to almost ending the marriage. We grew distant and I felt my husband didn’t provide for my emotional needs. The more I talked, the more he withdrew. He told me his needs and I was always defensive. Then another woman came into our marriage and that destroyed me. When I confronted him, he lied, shut down, and became cold and distant. He moved out of the room and said the marriage was over. The pain was so much. Then I called out to God. At first I couldn’t feel Him and I realized I had to ask for forgiveness.

  I asked God to show me what I did wrong, and that is when He directed me to read the book again. And oh my, what I learned from that chapter of the wife, is how much I disrespected my husband! I cried out to God to forgive me and that’s when I started realizing that God had to change me first before He would change my husband. It was still a painful time and my faith was tested. Satan didn’t want me to prevail. I knew it was a battle.

  When I had gotten to the point where I had had enough, I decided to leave and that is when God opened the door. My husband wrote me an email and said he was sorry and wanted to work on the marriage. I hadn’t seen that coming… but God is great.

  We have since seen our pastor and have asked each other for forgiveness. It’s not easy because he’s still struggling with a lot of things and I still get angry about the affair. I just want to hurt the other woman. Just pray with me so that I may forgive her and find healing. This is where patience and perseverance comes in. I always read the book of James 1:2-3. I would like to suggest some books that are helping me now:

  1. Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage (Stormie Omartian).
  2. How to Save Your Marriage Alone (Ed Wheat)
  3. Love and Respect (Dr Emerson Eggerichs) This book is great! If you can get your husband to read it, that would be great. Mine doesn’t read books, but I’m praying.

  Thank you all so much. It’s nice to communicate with women who are fighting for their marriages because some of the advice I’ve been getting, was to leave my husband. But God told me otherwise. Let’s continue to pray for each other and support each other. May God bless you all you’re all truly strong women.

• 35 LT // Mar 21, 2008 at 9:55 pm

  (USA)  Thank you Anne for your lovely testimony!

• 36 Anne // Mar 24, 2008 at 7:51 am

  (CANADA) Hey all I’m feeling discouraged and I need a lot of prayer. Yesterday I realized my husband called this other woman. Apparently she has problems. Why he called her I don’t get but it hurt a lot to see how easy it is for him to please her and how easy it is for him to hurt me. I am so angry and so bitter I don’t know how to deal with it. How will I stop feeling this way? It was so hard to pray last night coz of all the horrible things I said about her. I had to ask for forgiveness but still I just feel so violated after trying to work so hard to put the pieces together. Pray for me to make the right choice for God to forgive me coz I have evil thoughts running through my mind. Thank you all and God bless.

• 37 Phil // Mar 25, 2008 at 6:36 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) I didn’t know Marriage Missions had a site like this one. Thank you; its uplifting and encouraging. It’s only today that I wanted to find out more about "The Power of a Praying Wife", that I came across this.

  I like Tarisai’s advice for learning to be quiet until the storm is over. I have gained a lot from this as well and I am still in the process to win completely because at times I find myself answering back again. It’s a war against Satan and his agents, and I have to fight it through. Satan is on a mission to destroy marriages, and it’s up to us ladies to stand FIRM and fight the war. It’s in the power of a woman to build or destroy a marriage and with this in mind, I want to say to Sue (SA), claim your BEDROOM back in the Name of Jesus. Like Cecilia (RSA) mentioned, it’s not by chance or mistake that we met with our husbands. Keep on praying ladies and remember not to be moved or shaken by passing Jezebels. For these are Satan’s agents in action against your marriage!

• 38 Sue // Mar 26, 2008 at 5:19 am

  (SA) Hi Taraisi, Thanks so much for the encouragement that you have given me.

  To keep you all up dated, we have decided to try ONCE again, Although things aren’t as they should be between my husband and myself, I’m not discouraged, because I know that GOD is working in both of us. In some ways, I see changes within my hubby and I can’t believe that he has changed, but other things have remained the same. Although we are back together, our sex life has taken a slow down (but this could be from medication that he is taking at the moment) but he is so loving at times - just what I always wanted and the way he was before we were married.

  But that is not what I want to say, all I want to say is THANK YOU JESUS - that my hubby was willing and that GOD is moving and working within us. I realize that NOW the TRUE tough time is upon us, as I have to keep praying and keeping my focus on GOD. Although my hubby doesn’t know that I am praying for our marriage, GOD does KNOW! With God all things are possible! And I believe, that GOD will enable my hubby’s spirit to turn to GOD.

  Lets support one another in our prayers. God Bless

• 39 Anne // Mar 26, 2008 at 12:41 pm

  (CANADA) Hey all, I just wanna give an update. But first Sue, I’m truly happy for you and what God is doing to your marriage and your husband.

  As for me, things are really slow. After I found out that my hubby communicated with the woman he had an affair with, I was losing my grip on things, and not forgetting, and losing my mind. Yesterday I called our pastor and told him what happened and he prayed for me and my hubby. We go to see him tomorrow. What I wanted to share is that I was so low and sad last evening, and was wondering what I’m doing in a marriage that has become so empty. My husband is still withdrawn and has this empty look in his eyes. Then I realized what satan is trying to do. He wants to destroy us coz he knows how hard I’m praying. He’s using this other woman again to get back into our marriage and is giving me evil thoughts about the 2 of them.

  Last night I cried to God asking Him why I’m suffering so much, and what is the reason behind this. I prayed that He may speak to me and tell me what to do. I was just tired of hurting. This morning I felt the same thing. I woke up with a heavy hurt and again I cried to God. Then I opened the Bible and what I read told me what God is doing. It’s found in 1st Peter chapter 5 verse 6-10. I needed to cast all my burdens onto Him. That was something, and that’s what I needed. I opened up myself up to Him and asked Him to fill the void I felt in my heart. God is great, coz He wasn’t done speaking to me.

  I have some gospel music on my laptop and I was listening to it. One has to click on a song when they wanna listen. So when the song ended I didn’t do anything, but God did. Another song played by YOLANDA ADAMAS -FRAGILE HEART, and it just says how it’s me and God in this, and my fragile heart is His to mend. I should forget about everything else, and just Trust Him. I tell you, I have cried to God thanking Him for speaking to me, coz that’s what I had asked for. He is truly amazing! I have renewed hope that God will pour His love and blessings into this marriage. I just need to trust Him and have patience. I’m praying for my hubby coz God is calling him to turn to Him, but he’s not listening. He’s just listening to the lies of the enemy. Help me pray for him.

  One more thing… my husband and the other woman work together, and all along I told God I didn’t like that they work together. On Sunday my hubby told me that she got another job and she’s leaving that company. THANK GOD for His faithfulness. May we all support each other in prayer coz we need God’s strength to defeat the plans of the enemy. May God bless you all.

• 40 Sue // Mar 27, 2008 at 6:59 am

  (SA) Anne, I know exactly how you feel, and GOD has spoken to me too, in the way HE has spoken to you. I want you to seek your fulfillment from GOD, and not your hubby. It is amazing that once you ask GOD to fulfill your emotional side and release your hubby from that job, you will be amazed at the change that comes from within YOU! GOD wants to work in your marriage but you have to let go, and let GOD do the work.

  Write it down on a piece of paper and give it to GOD to handle. HE can and WILL if you let HIM. GOD needs you to let go!

  Hang in there girl, and we will keep on praying. GOD is AWESOME!!! NOTHING is impossible for HIM! God bless

• 41 LT // Mar 27, 2008 at 12:27 pm

  (USA) Hi Anne, I’ve read your last couple of comments. Particularly the one dated on Mar. 24 - the first thing that hit me was this: It’s a bit of a different angle from the way you or your husband (and even others) would probably look at the situation but I believe (and I am in a better position to be objective since I don’t know either of you personally) that it breaks down like this.

  The woman your husband has befriended clearly doesn’t have God in a high enough position in her life. (Perhaps she doesn’t have God at all, I don’t know). If she did, she’d be going to God with her problems and not a married man. It’s simply inappropriate. There are a few exceptions, such as if the man is a minister or spiritual mentor. But your husband is neither of those things to her, yet she’s made him that. In essence, he’s become her "savior" with a lowercase S. That’s a form of idolatry.

  On your husband’s part - it’s a form of infidelity because even if he is not physically involved with her, Jesus says even the thought is already adultery. Matt. 5:27-28

  It sounds like this woman needs help. I feel someone should reach out to her and help her but not your husband. And, only if she’s open to it. Most of us know when we are sent to minister to others (including just writing comments on this site to help others). But God never sends one of His children to minister to another unless it falls in line with scriptural mandates - what your husband is doing is not ministering to that woman, but satisfying his own fleshly lusts. It’s a form of distraction he uses to avoid tacking the problems in your marriage. I don’t suggest you tell him this (he probably doesn’t have ears to hear it from you), but I simply tell you this so that you know and can see the bigger picture.

  I’m glad to hear that you are seeing a pastor tomorrow about this.

  It’s absolutely imperative that your husband make a decision on his actions. Either he thinks it’s inappropriate to have a relationship with this woman or he doesn’t. Is he a Christian? If so, there are plenty of scriptures that show how he is acting outside of the Christian code set forth through scripture. If he isn’t, then it is simply your job, as a Christian, to handle each and every day (which currently includes your husband’s actions) the way you know you ought to.

  There is nothing wrong with you setting boundaries for yourself. You cannot MAKE him do the right thing, but you can tell him how you believe and how you interpret scripture and why you think his actions are a problem. It’s very difficult to share that, however, when one is so involved, hurt and emotions are running high so it’s imperative you start every day (and every conversation) by praying for God to give you the right words and attitude.

  One suggestion would be to tell your husband that the next time the woman calls with her problems, he can hand the phone to you and you can minister to her as a Christian woman OR you can give him your pastor’s number and have your husband tell that woman to call the pastor. I don’t see anything wrong with either of those options. At this point, out of the 3 people involved, Anne, you are the one who has the opportunity to take the higher, more Christian road. It sounds like your husband and his female friend are too caught up in sin to think clearly but you obviously have the peace of mind from God.

  It is evident just by you writing of your prayer life and reading scripture. I daresay you have a huge opportunity with all of this to stand up and be the light because you can (with God’s help and strength) and possibly the other two do not even know how to be a light. Ministry comes in strange forms and God definitely works in mysterious ways (to us as humans anyway). I’m not saying you and your husband take this woman under your collective wings forever but the two suggestions are a way of handling the next time she wants to contact your husband. Those possibilities exist until she is able to find God or be out of your lives.

  At any rate - these are the things that occurred to me when I read your comments. I’ll pray for your meeting with your pastor and for God’s healing for you and your husband individually and as a couple.

• 42 Anne // Mar 28, 2008 at 2:54 pm

  (CANADA) Hi all thanks a lot Sue and LT for your messages and prayers. LT thanks a lot for the advice. I thought about it and I’m praying for God to direct me. I liked the idea of calling the pastor. I’ll talk to him on Monday. Funny thing, the pastor’s wife asked me if I would be able to help her too by talking to her, when we went for our appointment. Honestly i don’t think I’m in a position to do that. I just want her out of our marriage.

  The best thing that happened during our pastor’s visit is that God really intervened coz my hubby has been withdrawn and he really opened up. He blames himself for a lot things and he feels like he’s failed as a husband. He also said that to think he turned out like his dad (he cheated on his mum repeatedly). I felt bad for him coz that’s really a huge burden to carry and I wish i could carry it for him, but it’s not mine to carry but God’s. I’ll pray for him continually.

  I’m asking God to help me out coz I need to forgive her too so that I may get peace. Though in all honesty, I know satan will use her and other things to destroy what we are trying to build, and I’m thinking what is the best way to stop him, and then to direct her to God. I hope I’ll be able to hear God’s voice because I’m so bitter. There’s a prayer in Stormie’s book that asks God to show us when the enemy is approaching so that we may be able to stop him. I can clearly see what he wants to do. I’ll pray a lot and just do what God wants.

  Thank you a lot; this site is really helpful and very encouraging. It’s amazing what happens when as women we stand together in prayer. Pray for me to be able to release all this to God and for God to also forgive me for being unable to forgive at this time. Thank you so much I’ll pray with you always and I’ll update you.

• 43 Anne // Apr 1, 2008 at 2:48 pm

  (CANADA) Hey All I hope you’re all doing well. I’m ok still struggling a lot. My husband is carrying a huge burden I’m just praying b’coz i know it’s not my burden to carry. I really want to support him though and let him know I’m there for him. I just don’t know how to do that. Does anybody have any idea how I can do this and not be "pushy"?

  I just feel that we need to do things together and create new memories. I don’t want us to drift further apart. He’s been sleeping in the guest room for the last 2 months. Even after he said he wanted us to work out our problems he hasn’t "moved back in". I haven’t asked him why or to move back in. I don’t want to give the enemy a foothold to destroy our marriage again and use this "separation" to his advantage.

  I know with all the prayers God is protecting us and I know this is my WAITING PERIOD where God works miracles. I normally work on weekends and this is my weekend off and I was thinking to plan a get away where we’ll just have a nice time re-enjoying each other. I’m thinking of a place we’ve been to before and he loved it. I hope and pray this will help. I’ve prayed about it and hope that God will guide me in this plans and helps us build our communication.

  Pray for me and this plans coz if I sit and wait for him to do something I’ll be waiting for a while. I need to drop my pride and follow God’s guidance. Thank you all for your support and prayers. I will be praying for all you. I don’t know any of you but because God has brought us together with His Grace and Love, I love you all. Lets continue standing together in prayer.

• 44 Amber // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:15 am

  (USA) Hello Ladies, I feel God led me to this website today. I was merely looking for the above book when I scrolled down and found everyones comments. I have had a struggling marriage for the past year and just yesterday was wondering about a site where I could post a comment to possibly get some feedback and encouragement.

  Seven years ago I met the man of my dreams and married him four years ago. In 06 we had our first child and things slowly started turning sour. With the added strain of our child we started having arguments like we had never had before. However our love and affection were still there. When my son was 6 months, one weekend my husband just changed overnight and said he was angry at me but didn’t want to talk about it. Finally he let it all out and said that he just didn’t feel the same anymore, etc. etc. and that all of his affection and love over the past year had been a "front" but he just couldn’t do it anymore.

  I convinced him to stay and later that week I found out about long phone conversations with another female who didn’t even know he was married!! I literally felt like I had been punched in the stomach and basically didn’t want to live anymore. This was coming from someone who had just been completely affectionate and loving with me every day until now!

  I contacted the girl and when she found out he was married she cut off all conversation with him, thus ending their relationship. We stayed in different rooms for a while but never left the house. Since then it has been a little over a year and things have improved tremendously!! We went from sleeping in different rooms and not talking, to sleeping together and being great friends. However I still do not have his love and affection.

  It is so trying, and I miss him in that way sooo much that sometimes I just want to give up. But I made a commitment that I would see this through to the end and I would not be the one to leave because I love him and I love my son.

  There is a song that I listened to in the very beginning of this disaster called "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. Please listen to it!! I bawled my eyes out every time I listened to it and still do, but it gave me such an amazing amount of strength!!

  I should note that I have always been a spiritual God-loving woman, but through all of this I have come so much closer to Him. I never realized how far away from Him I truly was. Every day is just a trying day because I long so badly to have the love and affection I used to know from my husband. When I look at how we have progressed over the last year, I guess that is what helps keep me going, because I just think of how much better yet we might be in another year. Anyways I loved reading all of your comments, it’s nice to know I am not alone. Thanks for reading mine.

• 45 Amber // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:55 am

  (USA) Anne, I should have posted this in my previous comment but what I told my husband when it came to supporting him was stated very simply and I just left it at that. He was having a particularly trying night and I simply put my arms around him and told him that I was his wife and I loved him very much. I let him know that he was and is my best friend and that I would be by his side until the very end. I would be his strength for him and he could bear his weight on me and together we would see this through. I let him know that I prayed for him daily, and with that I hugged him tighter and went to bed.

  I felt so good after telling him that. And for anyone else, something else that really makes me feel good is to not only talk to God but also to yell at Satan. I let him know from the very beginning that he wasn’t winning this battle. He could try as hard as he wanted but my husband was my territory and I have God on my side and that’s just the way it is. I do this often and I love the power and confidence it gives me!

• 46 Anne // Apr 3, 2008 at 12:51 am

  (CANADA) Hey Amber thanks a lot for your message. It came when I was just crying my eyes out to God because I’m so tired of all this and at the same time so worried about my husband. He’s also having a really bad night. He normally works 6 days a week and he was saying that he works so hard and he’s got nothing to show for it. I let him vent out without offering advice. I did tell him he has stuff to show for it.

  I think for a man to feel like this it’s a huge load together with all the stuff he’s holding in. I just worried so much coz he looks like he’s ready to snap. I do feel bad coz we aren’t sleeping in the same room and I did want to just show him I’m there. I did go to the guest room and i laid next to him and told him that I’m there for him and if he needs to talk I’m there. He just said he wants to be left alone. So I left and I told him I loved him. He’s not saying those words back and the funny thing is, I don’t feel bad. It’s amazing what God can do because I know he’ll say them again one day.

  I just feel helpless coz he has so much bottled up. We are seeing our pastor and the first 5 minutes you literally have to pull things out of him. I know that this is my WAITING PERIOD and I have to be patient but it’s really hard. I love him and I’m trying to show him even though I know it won’t be reciprocated.

  Thanks though Amber, that was really nice. I’m glad your marriage is better and don’t give up God is working on things even if you can’t see it now. Thank you and may God bless you and your husband. Later. By the way there’s this article by STORMIE OMARTIAN called THE POWER OF PATIENCE. I found it at http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2005/003/1.42.html …It helped me last night when i was just about to go mad with losing patience. It’s very uplifting.

• 47 Cindy Wright // Apr 3, 2008 at 7:28 am

  Hi Anne, I want you to know that you have more people praying for you and caring about you than you may realize. There are a lot of people who read the entries on this web site that never respond in writing, and yet they pray for the people who are hurting, and they care very much.

  I’m one of those individuals who reads each entry and weeps and prays for those who weep and rejoices with those who rejoice.

  You may notice that I changed the web site link in your letter to direct people to the exact link (since you didn’t know exactly how to explain how to get to it). It’s a great article and I didn’t want one person missing out on reading it (because some people may not have been able to find it). I figured you would approve of the change.

  I want to tell you how proud I am of you in how gracious you are being with your husband. I’m sure this must be difficult to do. But I see a working of the Holy Spirit in your life and the character of Christ coming through in how you are trying to discern the needs of the moment rather than reacting right away to what is immediately happening.

  There is a time to confront issues and there is a time to step back and realize that their frustration isn’t about you, but about other issues, and sometimes giving them extra grace will eventually help them to come around. Eventually you may be able to help him to work things out in a healthier way, but now is obviously not the time, in this case.

  Also, most men have a tendency to work through their issues by pulling back and NOT talking (or at least not talking right away), rather than talking things through (like we do). There is always the exception to the “rule” but that seems to be a natural tendency. We, as women, have more of a tendency to talk our way into a place of feeling better about things where men withdraw. I’m not saying one way is better than the next — they’re just different.

  If you go into the section of our web site titled “Gender Differences” you will see several articles posted that you could read that explains what I am trying to explain.

  Although, I have to say that I’ve found that the longer my husband Steve and I are married, the more we have been able to work out a compromising blend of communication that works issues through in a way that is both healthy and agreeable to both of us. It’s taken a LONG time to get to that place (and sometimes we still do and say things we shouldn’t). I pray you will eventually get to a better place of being able to communicate as husband and wife as well.

  Please know that my heart and prayers are with you.

• 48 Amber // Apr 3, 2008 at 11:12 am

  (USA) Hi Anne, It was so nice to see your reply. I wish I would have stumbled across this site a year ago. I have longed to talk to people in my situation for so long and I’m so glad I finally found it!

  When my husband and I were sleeping in separate rooms he would say the exact same things to me. It was always "Leave me alone". Every now and then I would try to sneak into the room just to lay and be close to him and he would act completely hateful while letting me know that it was NOT okay and I needed to leave.

  It is so hard to show and tell someone how much you love them without receiving anything in return but it really is the best thing you can do. It is what I have done for a year, but it has become easy to show my love without expecting anything in return. I tell him I love him and he still will not say it back but just like you somehow it just does not hurt anymore. When I try to kiss him he turns away and when I try to give him a hug he stands there and will not reciprocate at all. But as awful as that sounds it is actually a great improvement because in the beginning I could not touch him at all, he was filled with so much anger and hatefulness!!

  It is a great thing to learn to love someone unconditionally without expecting anything in return and it really does get easier. That is Gods way of loving. I feel like someday when we are through all of this I want him to be able to look back and thank me for being such a strong wife and loving him through everything. It’s just amazing to see someone almost exactly where I was a year ago except for the fact that my husband never told me he was sorry and wanted to try and work it out.

  He won’t even attempt counseling of any sort, so see you are already a step ahead! I want you to know, you may not believe it now, but it will get better. It just takes time and as you know patience. God is really working his way and teaching us so many things at the moment. I can see just over the past year how much I have learned and grown because of this. I will be thinking and praying for you and thanks for being there for me too! Let me know how this weekend goes for you!

• 49 Amber // Apr 3, 2008 at 11:36 am

  (USA) Anne, One thing that I forgot to mention is the number one lesson I realized God was trying to teach me. As much as I loved God, my husband was still my entire life and my entire being revolved around him. That’s why when I found out my husbands feelings and especially when I found out about another woman, I lost it, I didn’t know how I would live without him. Looking back those were the darkest days of my life. I literally had to go to the doctor for help because I could not get up off the couch. I was numb.

  It took me a while to realize that my husband was in the wrong spot on my priority list. When I realized that God must come before my husband, things became much clearer and that’s when things started looking better and slowly started turning around for me and us. I learned to come to a place where regardless of what happens between the two of us, I know that I will be okay now. Before I thought I could not survive without him and now with Gods love I am a stronger woman and should things not end up the way I pray for them to, then I know I will survive. I hope this encourages you!!

• 50 Anne // Apr 3, 2008 at 1:28 pm

  (CANADA) Hi Cindy and Amber thanks a lot for your encouragement and prayers. Cindy it’s ok that you changed the site coz I couldn’t remember. Something you said definitely made me think of Steve (my hubby’s name too). He is one to solve his own problems and with this he shuts down and becomes withdrawn. Now he’s arrogant. But I know it’s just to make people stay away and it’s working, but for those who truly know him are trying to reach out.

  I just wish he could talk to somebody. He keeps on saying that he wants to talk to our pastor alone but doesn’t get to it. I cried for him in prayer last night because he really needs God’s guidance. I do have my days when my patience falters and I feel so frustrated but like you said, women love to talk things out.

  Amber, I do understand what you said that your hubby was your all. I treated mine the same way. He was my god. And now I also realize that God wants me to make Him my first and my all. I still miss the loving man that my husband is and I definitely miss his affection. I’m trying to accept the fact that for now, I’m the anchor of this marriage and God is working on my husband and marriage even if I can’t see it. I’m at peace with things but it’s hard to watch someone you truly love go through issues and they don’t want to be helped.

  I will continue praying for Steve and myself coz I definitely need the strength. My mother-in-law told me that the devil targets married couples and I refuse for him to win this. I was feeling discouraged about this weekend. Then I figured out what satan is trying to do. But he ain’t gonna get to me. Thanks a lot ladies. We need each other. God brought us together for a reason. I love you all. Pray for my weekend and my husband. Till next time.

• 51 LT // Apr 3, 2008 at 2:10 pm

  (USA) Hi Anne, I wanted to add a comment to some of what you wrote lately. I’m healing from abuse in my marriage- that’s REALLY complicated. It’s way more than just the hitting. It involves unhealthy verbal communication, the eyes to even be able to see it (on both sides) as well as deep-seated emotional/psychological issues.

  It’s been almost a year and a half since the abuse was addressed in our marriage and we are STILL dealing with the issues and STILL in the healing process. It’s so deep-seated because, as was in the case of my marriage, someone who abuses was usually coming from an abusive household as a child, so they’ve carried it since childhood in their own life and the longer it goes on in the marriage, the more there is to overcome.

  So….I say all that not to rain on your parade but to make sure you’re keeping a healthy dose of reality in your healing expectations.

  You said, I think, that your husband was sleeping in a separate room for about a month, more or less, and I know from one of your comments you met with your pastor (both of you) only about 2 weeks ago.

  So….please don’t take this the wrong way but expecting your husband to come back to the same room at night with you, right now, is WAAAYYY too soon! People just don’t heal that fast. Especially when it involves a sin with great stigma/shame. So your husband is going to go through several different healing phases and with that you must be patient, as you already realized.

  Use your common sense to know when to ask for things, suggest things, and when to give him his space. You’ll start seeing the line more clearly as you walk the road of healing for both of you.

  I just wanted to tell you that. I think it’s great if you guys can have a weekend away. My husband and I took a vacation only a few months after we started our healing process. But there was still a long way to go after that. So, just from my own experience, you have to expect a lengthy healing process that goes in phases.

  But you WILL get there - I know you two as a couple will get there. Satan targets all Christians. The stronger the Christian is spiritually, the harder Satan presses. The reason he targets marriages is because it’s the physical representation of Christ’s own union with his bride, the church.

  I’m keeping you in my prayers! God speed. Stay strong and persevere in Christ.

• 52 Anne // Apr 3, 2008 at 11:27 pm

  (CANADA) Hey LT, thanks for the message. And you ain’t bursting my bubble trust me, I know that healing is gonna take a long time. It’s when I lose patience, that I want things to just work out or for him to "snap out of it". I don’t mean that literally; it’s the build up of frustration.

  I think the one thing I’d like to see is remorse for the affair and him fighting for the marriage. It would help a lot but I’ve come to the realization that for now with all that he’s going through he can’t do that and I’m coming to accept that. I know that God will make a way. I just have to be patient. But sometimes it’s easier said than done.

  As for us sleeping in the same room, I know he won’t come back now and I haven’t even asked him to. When I need to talk to him I just go to the guest room and then leave. He’ll come back when he’s ready. I’d like to build on our friendship though, because we were such GREAT friends. This weekend is for us to just get away from it all and have a nice time without talking about what’s going on. I miss him a lot. I know it will be over. The best thing though, from all this, is that it has been really hard, but I have gained a lot because of all the prayers and listening to God. Thanks a lot for all your prayers. I’m praying for you and everybody else here. God bless you all.

• 53 Amber // Apr 4, 2008 at 9:57 am

  (USA) Good Morning Girls! I am not even sure where to start. I read these comments every morning at work, and try my best not to turn into a blubbering fool, because I can relate so very much. Anne, I swear everything you write, is me writing a year ago!! I felt the exact same and still do many days! Even though I am much stronger now than I was then, I do definitely still have my bad days. Every now and then I think I just can not stand another day without the loving husband I used to know. But I always seem to make it through another day. And even on my strong days I still miss him so very much. It is just not as painful as it used to be.

  I too would lose patience and I would end up telling him the same things you say. Actually it was more like yelling! I remember saying he needed to just "get over it" and he needed to "open his eyes and see the great life he really had" but that, like you, was just my frustration building. With time I learned how to control it and just keep my mouth closed because really, it NEVER made the situation any better!! Just like Cindy said there is a time to confront issues and a time to sit back and let them be.

  Also like you I still wish for my husband to have shown some remorse for the other girl. I think that was one of the things that confused me the most! It seems like so many other husbands end up apologizing profusely to their wives when caught, but not mine, he didn’t see anything wrong with talking to this other girl and basically seemed mad at me for ruining their "friendship"!! But that is something I have decided to put in the past, she is gone, and I don’t ever want to mention her name again. I do wish everyday I could see him take an active approach in saving our relationship. Saving this marriage is definitely one sided.

  LT is right that it will take a long time. We are still far from being there and it has been a year and one month! Working on your friendship is a great idea. I can say that we are finally friends again, and it feels good, but still hard, because there is so much farther to go. We are still "just friends". Like roommates really.

  I too wanted it "fixed now". Learning patience really helped even though I still need more! But it will happen, very gradually so that I bet you don’t even notice it. I never noticed how things were really getting better until now I can look
  back and see how from month 1 to month 12 is so drastically different. It’s amazing.

  I was wondering, how will this weekend go, will it be the same bed? And does he know about this weekend? In month 3 of our ordeal, I planned a weekend getaway for our 3 year anniversary and wanted to surprise him hoping it might be the awakening he needed. A wise friend suggested that I tell him ahead of time so not to jump it on him and so I wouldn’t be let down if he didn’t want to go. She suggested to make up my mind that I should go regardless –either with him or with some girlfriends.

  Surprisingly he accepted, and we had a nice time! However it wasn’t the awakening and the amazing time I had hoped for. So I would suggest going into it with an open mind and with no expectations so that you might be pleasantly surprised if you have just an "okay" weekend.

  Also I was wondering, how about the other girl? Is she out of the picture now? Sorry so long, I just find this so therapeutic for me. It really helps me, even when I am hoping to help you! Talk to you ladies later! Thanks Again

• 54 Anne // Apr 5, 2008 at 3:05 am

  (CANADA) Ok Amber, this is just amazing our situations are too much alike.. ok the weekend plans I canceled…. long story but in short it was miscommunication. He knew I had plans but coz he works on Saturdays too he thought I just wanted to do something on Sunday. Then something came up financially that made me cancel the original plans. He knew about that but what I didn’t mention was that I was still planning something. When I told him, he hit the roof coz he had hockey tickets and said I should have told him not to make plans. We had a difference in opinion too coz I feel if it’s a surprise keep it quiet.

  Anyways, I thought he didn’t wanna go coz of hockey and I just cried. Then he said we’ll still go. Long story short I decided to truly ask him what was up and he told me he was only going coz he didn’t want to break my heart and he said that he looked like the bad guy coz he didn’t wanna go. Anyways, it wasn’t about hockey, he said he’s not ready to go away with me.

  I was disappointed but not hurt coz he suggested we reschedule it to next month. It’s his birthday, so that’s what we’ll do. I apologized for not being clear about this weekend. It won’t be a surprise, but at least he said he’ll take the Saturday off. He said we can go for a car show on Sunday, then lunch for him. That’s a good start to build friendship so that’s what we’ll do.

  On Saturday when he goes for the game I’ll have a gal’s night out. Funny thing, I came to also realize that I had prayed about this weekend, and asked God if this is not a good weekend to do this, to just close the door. He did so that helped a lot to realize it was just God telling me not yet. I know it’s gonna be hard. I’m learning to be patient and praying for it daily. What have you done to show your hubby that you respect and love him even when he’s being unresponsive??

  I know God wants me to respect my hubby all the time coz that shows I respect God too. It’s just sometimes I see him and get mad. Any ideas?? Thanks a lot Amber for your help, and for all the gals for sharing. I’ll continue praying for strength and patience coz I need it. I’m doing my best to see him as God sees him coz if God can forgive me and him unconditionally, why can’t I?? Later! May God bless you all.

• 55 Anne // Apr 5, 2008 at 6:02 pm

  (CANADA) Hey gals, I forgot to ask how did you ever deal with the resentment and bitterness that overcomes you? I’m trying and there are days when I’m fine. And then when I tell myself that I’ll love my husband and show him respect, resentment just overcomes me and I just stay away from him. The thing with him is that he senses my moods from a mile away, so when he asks I say nothing and he knows I’m lying. I want to stop that habit coz it’s just driving me nuts. Let me know how to deal with this, coz I won’t let it control me at all. Later.

• 56 LT // Apr 5, 2008 at 10:34 pm

  (USA) Hi Anne, Thanks for your question about bitterness - it shows great faith and a GREAT desire to grow and learn.

  I, too, went through that phase. It is normal for us as humans. We live in a world where we are bombarded by movies, books, films, etc., where the human emotions run amuck and it’s supposed to be ok. In my walk with God I’ve come to believe that human emotions are normal, it’s how we deal with them that sets us apart from the world.

  My answer (from my own experience): ALWAYS rely on the Holy Spirit. That’s truly the ONLY way you’ll do the right thing and respond in the right way. It is a huge process, though - the "shedding of the skin."

  It’s us, learning to be more like Christ and less like our human, fleshly selves - which is very difficult. And it goes in phases. You work on one thing for a while then after you’ve overcome that, you work on another, etc. All the previous things you learned, help you in the next phase. It’s like going through grades at school.

  I don’t think there’s any easy trick, but the one thing I will say, that helped me the most (but that I’m still not good at) is being "instant in prayer."

  As soon as you feel those emotions creeping up, pray. If you don’t feel them subside right away, then it probably is best to leave the room rather than bite at your husband because you can’t stand the sight of him at that moment. You can only do the best you can do and it takes a while to overcome - especially when it’s our deep-rooted human, emotional reactions. That’s probably one of the biggest things to overcome. It’s huge, but I’m glad you’re asking - it shows you’re on the right path and are really digging into the deep spiritual stuff.

  When your husband asks what’s wrong, if you can’t overcome "yourself" at that moment, I would suggest saying that I’m not feeling very spiritual right now; my flesh is getting in the way and I need to go pray by myself for a while (or with him if you feel the opportunity is there).

  This way you are telling the truth and that’s just the best you can do on some days. Don’t let Satan win by having you ignore or hide your feelings. The Bible says that true love does not hide the truth or rejoice in iniquity. Avoiding the truth by telling little white lies is not of God.

  Well, that’s all I have for now. I know exactly where you are - it’s where I was several months ago. One other thing I’ll add is that doing this (trying to overcome and being instant in prayers) on a daily basis, teaches you to constantly walk in faith and rely on God - not just while you pray in the morning or at night, but literally ALL the time. It makes you become inseparable from God, through the Holy Spirit, and makes you walk the walk ALL day long. That’s a big thing.

  But you’ll get there!! You are showing much fruit, Anne. Love to you and your husband.

• 57 Amber // Apr 7, 2008 at 8:35 am

  (USA) " 32"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ love those who love them. 33And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ do that. 34And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ lend to ’sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. 35But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."
  — Luke 6:32-36 (NIV

  Hi Anne,
  I receive a daily verse in my email, and believe it or not this was todays verse!! Very fitting I thought! Well, so your weekend wasn’t great, but it doesn’t sound awful to me. It sounds great that your husband is at least opening up to you and telling you his inner thoughts! The fact that he didn’t want to break your heart is very good, at least it shows that he cares still about you and your feelings. And him making the suggestion for next month! Wow! That speaks future to me, so at least it sounds like he is planning on being around longer!

  During the beginning of our problems I always had an overwhelming fear that every time my husband walked out the door maybe he would decide not to come back. So to this day whenever my husband speaks of future things for us, it always makes me feel good! Sounds like a great start to me! From the beginning, someone told me that I should not change the way I act because of him, if I love him I should continue to show him and tell him just as I would any other day. So thats what I do.

  Even though he is unresponsive, I hug him when I can and tell him that I love him and most evenings I kiss him on the forehead and hug him before going to bed. I don’t want to sound like I become a doormat but I definitely have begun catering to him differently than before without going overboard. Whenever he wants to have a conversation now, I stop what I am doing and truly listen to him and engage in the conversation.

  I began showing interest in some of his activities, and now they are things we do together. Whenever he comes home at the end of the day I let him sit and unwind for a bit and I might even ask if he would like something to drink! Another thing that I did a lot and still do is if you have cell phones I would text him once a day or so just letting him know that I was thinking of him and I loved him very much.

  I liked this method because I was able to tell him but at the same time I wasn’t face to face so it didn’t hurt to not hear it back! I also like to keep my appearance up as much as possible, I do it for him but it makes me feel good about myself too! I like to think of all these things as just planting little seeds and one day I will reap a harvest because of them! As much as I know that I am not to blame for him having an affair, looking back I can see a lot of things that I just slowly let go of that you should always continue to do in a relationship.

  LT is absolutely right about your anger issue. Instead of opening your mouth with harsh words, instantly say a prayer instead. Just the other night, my husband apparently had a bad day and said some hurtful words, I could feel the tears welling in my eyes and instead of saying anything in return I prayed to God. I immediately felt better and instead of saying anything at all, I left the room and did other stuff I needed to do. The confrontation was avoided and the next conversation we had was initiated by him and it was much more pleasant. Anyways, I know you didn’t ask for all of these ideas I have thrown out there, but they have worked wonders for me, so I thought maybe they might help you as well! Talk to you soon!

• 58 Anne // Apr 7, 2008 at 1:54 pm

  (CANADA) Hey Gals, hope you’re all doing well. I’m doing ok. LT thanks a lot for your advice. I needed that. I’ll pray about it — which i did. I just want to forgive her too and free myself from the bitterness. I’ll try and find a way to let him know how I feel without being spiteful but not before I pray.

  Amber, ok I may have not asked for all those ideas but that’s exactly what I needed coz I was just praying for God to show me how I can show my husband that I love him and respect him. Yesterday, we went for a car show (my suggestion) which I’ve never done coz to me a car is a car is a car…. but my hubby loves the details, which I don’t get, but we went as a group. There were times we weren’t together, but when we were, I just tried to say the car was nice or not.

  I’m really trying to do some of the things he likes which I never tried much. I can tell that he doesn’t want to hang out with me alone but in a group, but it’s ok. I have to take and appreciate what I have. I know I won’t get anything in return. The text message idea is great. I have thought of the hugging him and giving him a kiss on the cheek, but when he comes home I don’t do it. But to see someone else doing it, it’s encouraging a lot. I do want to show him the love that I have for him. I just never know how to begin, so these were good ideas.

  I’m also doing my best to look nice. I go to the gym 3 times a week, which I feel great about myself at the end. Like you Amber, I know I’m not to blame for the affair, But I have also seen how I neglected him and myself. I know he notices these things. He just doesn’t say anything, but at the end of the day, I know that my reward will come from God and not my husband, and He will bless me by giving me my husband back.

  We have an appointment with our pastor tomorrow again and we’ll see how it goes. I guess I just get tired of us being in the same same place and we don’t talk about us, only when we’re with the pastor. Thanks a lot ladies. I love you all and I will do the things you suggested. God Bless you all.

• 59 Anne // Apr 8, 2008 at 12:57 pm

  (CANADA) Hey gals, I need some prayers. I’m feeling so low and down today. Yesterday my sis told me that my dad isn’t treating my mum well. They’ve had a marriage that everyone dreads — from physical abuse, emotional, and verbal abuse. The physical, not anymore. My mum doesn’t believe in divorce so she has stuck through it all. She’s a strong Christian and that’s what has saved her. I think she’s tired after 45 years but she still believes God will change him.

  I felt so bad and so angry, I was just crying. She doesn’t know about my problems because she gets so sick. Her Blood Pressure goes up. Her sugar goes up, and with her problems….. I’ve thought about all she’s gone through and I wonder how she did it. With prayer, I know. But my dad has mistreated her so much, I’m just angry for her. Of course I thought, “Would I have what it takes to go through anything with so much faith?”

  Anyway, I talked to my hubby, and of course men give solutions. He said we should talk to our dad. Great advice, I know! And he’s told me that before. We’ve just never done it. I’ve never been one to open up with my family. We were people who just hid what went on behind closed doors. And for me being the last born, I was protected from a lot of stuff. I’ll talk to my sisters and do something. The thing is, last night I just wanted him to comfort me and just hold me while I cry my heart out, which i told him. Long story short, to him, holding me won’t solve anything. I know…. that’s a man’s way of thinking. And he said that it’s all about me and what I wanted. That hurt. So i just lost it, and tried to explain, but by then he just looked at me and left the room.

  I cried a lot coz I felt alone, sad for myself, and for my mum. I understand what he was saying. But all I needed was comfort. I cried to God to help. It’s sad that satan knows how to target someone when they are weak, coz I became so angry and I just thought,”Ii will not let my hubby treat me this way anymore!” I wondered, “Will I have a happy marriage ever?” Boy, that’s when the enemy really struck coz I was so down and felt defeated.

  I did pray. But my mind was so congested, I couldn’t feel Him. I was so exhausted from the battle of trying to pray and satan trying to make me fall. All I said was, “God help me.” And I just passed out into a disturbed sleep. Since morning I’ve been low. But I’ve asked God to be my comfort. I need you to pray for my mum and dad, and for me to GET UP, coz I just wanna crawl into bed and stay there. I need God’s guidance. I love you all and thanks a lot.

• 60 Amber // Apr 8, 2008 at 1:08 pm

  (USA) Way to go Anne!! Your mindset and spirituality are on the right track, I am very happy for you!! You may not have asked me for those ideas but you did ask God and see how he answered you? Amazing!! Honestly, just this past weekend was the first time my husband and I went on our first alone date. It took him this long to be up for it.

  When I first realized he would be comfortable with doing things in groups, I tried to plan as many group things as possible. We have a few couples that we hang out with and I would often call one of them and see what they were doing for the weekend and suggest we get together for a cookout or go to dinner, etc. Then that evening I would tell my husband that our friends were wanting to get together with us. It always seemed that if it were my idea he didn’t want to have anything to do with it. But if someone else was asking us, then he would go. I just tried to create as many opportunities as possible and it really was good for us to be with other couples.

  Going through this really does make you appreciate what you have. Every night my husband comes home from work, I thank God that he is even there, because even though neither of us ever moved out, there were nights in the beginning that he would not come home until after I was in bed because he didn’t want to have to see me or talk to me!! The Lord really makes us stronger through tough times and I praise him daily for his constant work in our marriage.

  Did you get a chance to listen to my favorite song "Praise You In This Storm" by the Casting Crowns? It really pulled me through my darkest hours!! You keep going, and don’t give up! I’m really proud of your effort and strength!!

  I feel I have found a friend in you, with a deep mutual bond, and I want to continue hearing of your progress as well as any setbacks!!! I’m praying for you!!

• 61 LT // Apr 8, 2008 at 2:20 pm

  (USA)  Hi Anne, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I think Amber’s response is to your previous post, not the last one. Sorry to hear you had a bad night.

  I think your husband started out on the right track with his suggestions but then your emotional state probably was too much for him, thus the harsh words. BUT, I’m glad you guys are talking. That’s great.

  You’re in the "on your knees" state. I was there. It totally stinks while you’re in it but it’s necessary, as hard as it is, because you come through on the other side, not just with strength, but with skills you didn’t have before and a spiritual resiliency you never had before, either.

  Regarding hiding sins (deep and/or grievous sins), like you said your family does - please see the following verse : I Cor. 13:6 - true, Godly love does not hide the truth. Helping the family is done in love and is the right thing to do.

  God also wants me to tell you, Anne, that you will not always have an unhappy marriage, like you do now. It is unhappy now but it’s a growth period. It is just a season. You’ll get through and you will, eventually, have the happy, Godly marriage you desire.

  With love and prayers.

• 62 Anne // Apr 9, 2008 at 12:03 am

  (CANADA) Hey gals, thanks a lot for all your prayers. LT, thanks a lot for the message. It gives me so much hope to know that there are people out there praying for me. My day became better and I prayed a lot and cried a lot. It’s tough when you’re in that battle. We went to see the pastor and we prayed for my parents and also for us to have God’s strength to talk to my dad. The pastors visit went well and the pastor could immediately tell that I was troubled. I saw God’s hand today and just how much He’s helping me.

  For the last 2 months my husband has been saying that he wants to talk to the pastor alone, which I encouraged, and I would tell him to do it. When he didn’t, I figured he never would. I still prayed about it, but funny thing, the way I prayed was he had to do it coz I thought he should. Of course it didn’t work until Sunday, when I changed the prayer to, if it’s God’s will for them to talk alone, for Him to open the door. On Monday I did the same, and I just surrendered that decision to God. Then today after we talked with the pastor, he asked my hubby if he’d like for them to talk alone coz he said until he talks about the stuff that’s bothering him he’ll never be able to put the relationship first. My husband said yes, and they’ll meet next week and I’ll meet with his wife.

  I tell you. I looked up and just thanked God silently and thought “Wow how amazing it is when we say if it’s His will and not what we think is right!” That made me feel so good coz now he has an outlet and I know this is God’s way of opening doors that I never thought would open.

  LT, thank you so much for the message from God. It has lifted me up and I just love your advice coz you know exactly what to say. May God continue blessing you and your husband and giving you the wisdom that you so willingly share. Love ya gal!

  Amber, thanks a lot for your advice. I know for sure with lots of prayer and faith I’ll have my husband back. I also feel I have a friend in you coz our situations are so similar. I just love all the women here and how we support each other. I’ll do my best to plan stuff for us to do in a group. It’s tricky coz he works 6 days a week and i work evenings and i get my weekends off every 6 weeks, but God will create time for us. Thank you all so very much may God bless you all and bless your husbands and marriages abundantly. God’s love.

  Amber, I did listen to that song. It’s very nice a song. I love another song also …actually 3: SOMEONE WATCHING OVER YOU & THE BATTLE IS NOT YOURS-YOLANDA ADAMS and WHEN I CALL ON JESUS-NICOLE C MULLEN. I love these songs. And i came across a verse that I want to share. It’s Romans 16:20, “THE GOD OF PEACE WILL SOON CRUSH SATAN UNDER YOUR FEET THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS BE WITH YOU.” Isn’t that uplifting to know that God will crush the enemy and we’ll rise above our troubles?

• 63 Sue // Apr 9, 2008 at 7:02 am

  (SA) Hi ladies, I just want to add keep your focus on the Lord and not on the situation or the problem. Let God handle the problem. Let HIS will be done.

  You know Satan has been tormenting me, by putting thoughts of the past in mind and trying to convince me that my hubby is up to his old tricks again. And then this morning, I saw a client and she just witnessed to me, in such a wonderful way. She made me realise that I was allowing Satan to torment me.

  I should believe my husband and not LOOK for problems, May God Bless each and everyone of you. Lets stand together and pray together, for where two or more than agrees in prayer, that is where the WILL of God starts.

• 64 Anne // Apr 11, 2008 at 10:04 am

  (CANADA) Hey Sue, thanks for the message. The last 2 days I’ve been feeling anxious about things and like you, satan has really been trying to get to me. I’ve just all of a sudden had this fear, what if my husband doesn’t change and he continues to treat me the way he is? (He’s not treating me badly but there’s this arrogant behavior that he has adopted that just puts me off.) I realise this is satan’s way of destroying me. Pray for me so that the Holy Spirit of comfort may comfort me. It’s like, once God helps me overcome one thing, satan comes in with another. I’ve prayed to God and I’ve been open with Him about all my fears. Just pray that the enemy is destroyed. Thank you ladies, I love you all. May God bless you all.

• 65 Lynne // Apr 11, 2008 at 7:36 pm

  (USA) Anne & Sue, I couldn’t help but relate to your situations. I to fall victim to allowing the devil to place suspicions in my mind. I have found a couple of things very helpful. Of course I pray about it, but I also let my husband know that his actions help create doubt. You can forgive the past, but try as you may, the only thing that will allow you to forget the past is time. I am learning this now very slowly.

  I am constantly suspicious most of the time for no good reason. Then if I do discover something is going on, I usually flip out and act like a fool. Guess what I learned? It makes things so much worse. I read the emotionally distant husband (on this site). LT and Laurie really helped me see some things recently. Your intuitions are usually caused by something, and if you can’t just let it go, there often is a reason. Then the devil plays on that and makes you believe the worst! The devil doesn’t tear you down, he actually builds you up. He plays on your doubts, building you up (with anger, & sadness), and watches as you tear yourself down.

  This is something I am just realizing myself. The devil is our enemy and he uses our own insecurities and doubts against us, until we self-destruct. Having a marriage without trust is the perfect breeding ground for doubts. I haven’t yet figured out how to trust my husband again. I think my wounds are just too fresh, but I am trying. Like any type of pain, I think God and time are the only healers. Some how knowing this makes me "on guard" and the devil can’t play my doubts like before. But the moment my husband does something that reminds me of before, my doubts start creeping up on me.

  So now I say something right away. I say how I feel and what action of his made me feel that way. For example if you notice your husband is leaving the room when his phone rings; after he has finished with his call (and you stop yourself from eavesdropping), approach him and let him know that his actions hurt your feelings. Ask him how he would feel if you did the same thing? Ask him if the thought of you speaking with someone would bother him? Then politely ask him to consider your feelings before quickly leaving the room. (Be as calm and sincere as possible, do not allow anger in your tone.)

  After which, you should leave the room and let him think about it. Most men do not think as fast as women in emotional situations. They are often trying to avoid emotion all together. That is why they say things that you would never in your life hear a woman say.

  Let your hubby be with his thoughts after you express your feelings, so that he can consider his own. I guarantee he is not going to think about feelings with you around. (Hint: take the TV remote with you, he won’t watch TV if he has to get up to turn the channels and if he does he won’t pay attention.)

  Spend that time away with GOD. Pray for your husband. Pray that his heart, mind, and body is being faithful. Pray for strength and leave it in GOD’s hands. You can’t change what your husband does, and you can’t stop him from unfaithful thoughts or actions. GOD can!

  Please pray that in the heat of the moment, I too can remember what I’ve learned and shared. I’ll be praying for you ladies, and your marriages. My God bless you all, and thank you for all the help you’ve given me. Reading your words are more comfort then I can even explain and I know that HE brought me here to learn. Pray that my heart stays open, Love, Lynne

• 66 LT // Apr 12, 2008 at 4:55 pm

  (USA) Hi Lynne, Wow! Your insights are quite deep! I find myself learning some things from your recent epiphanies as well. Thanks for sharing!!

  Additionally - if the infidelity is recent, I agree, it will be a few months until you can see your husband as a loyal spouse, instead of an unfaithful one. Eventually you have to get to the place of seeing him in the present, not for his past mistakes, but that does take a while. Until then, take it day to day and pray and read the scriptures for comfort and a healthy point of view. Love and prayers, LT

• 67 MB // Apr 13, 2008 at 8:41 am

  (USA) Hello everyone- I have been reading your comments for the past few weeks and I must say they have been so inspiring and helpful to me as well as "Power of a Praying Wife" which the Lord led me to buy after reading here. I had been on this sight off and on since my marriage a little over two years ago. I called myself reading up on how to be a Christian wife. However, I would read and and the words would go right out of my head in dealing with my husband.

  We have been separated for three weeks now. This all started with me finding out about his adultery last year. I threatened on more than one occasion to divorce him but I really never wanted to. I wanted us to work things out and I believed we could -with God’s help. Yet I did not seek God’s help with a clean heart in doing so. I was following the world’s way of dealing with this. So the arguments escalated even though my husband was very remorseful and trying to help me (and us) heal. Yet I would not allow him to do so. He is also dealing with some major issues -he is very broken inside right now. So he began to pull away from me and things got worse and worse.

  He decided he needed some time to himself to ‘get his head together’. I resisted all the way up until he pulled out of the garage. He is staying with a male friend right now. I want him to come home so badly! Yet during this time -God has really shown me what a not so good wife I was. How disrespectful I have been to my husband, how condescending I have been, disrespectful of his mother, not making love but once every few weeks (and I have no problems to prevent me from doing so -I just didn’t feel like it). He has shown me that my husband felt so rejected by me. I know his affair was not my fault -yet I have contributed heavily to be breakdown of out marriage.

  So, while I really want him to come home -I am grateful for the time we have been apart. God needed to work on us separately for while. God is really transforming me into the wife He wants me to be -not the wife I think I should be. I believe He is doing the same with my husband. and I know He will transform my marriage into the marriage He wants us to have.

  I still struggle with doubting and with thoughts of ‘what if we never get back together’ or ‘what if he is with someone else’ (even though he says he’s not and I don’t think he is) but I know the devil is trying to keep us apart. The enemy begins to attack more and more as I get closer to God. I just hope and pray every day that my husband will begin to see God’s way and not satan’s.

  So please pray for us and our marriage to be healed. Thank you for your inspirations and thanks Cindy and Steve for this web site.

• 68 April // Apr 13, 2008 at 2:04 pm

  (USA) My husbands wants a separation/divorce. I know that God has told me to stand, but it is so hard when my husband is telling me to leave or he will divorce me. Our problems started out of nowhere and they just escalated to him sleeping separately from me for over a year now. Then in October we had a confrontation and he spent the night in jail. This has caused him to say that he fears me and going to jail. My husband refuses to go back to church now. He says that when he is away from me, he will begin his healing process and go back to church. He is detached, very little if any conversation, intimacy does not exist, maybe 1 or 2 times a month when I initiate it, but that is a struggle.

  He continues to refer back to his past relationships and how he dealt with things. I try to tell him that I am his wife and not his girlfriend. Lately my flesh has become weak and I’ve been tempted to go outside my house for affection, and things that I lack at home. I know this is wrong and I have fought the trick of the enemy. Now I’m facing standing and trusting in God, or letting my husband serve me with divorce papers.

• 69 MB // Apr 13, 2008 at 3:42 pm

  (USA) April- I am sorry for what you are going through. Please continue to pray and especially pray not to fall into temptation. My husband also has not been going to church. I am going to pray about that and leave it to God.

  April, stand for your marriage. Ask God for the strength to do so. He will see you through. It is hard, I will say, but I believe in the goodness of our Heavenly Father.

• 70 Lynne // Apr 14, 2008 at 7:27 am

  (USA) April, It’s not your fault! No really it’s not, Stop wondering what you did wrong right NOW! Something is obviously going on in his world and he is projecting it on to you. The devil is playing him and using his past hurt to come between you two. I’ve only been married a couple of years and I know exactly what your going through. I would also come right out and ask him why he wants you gone so bad? He says it’s to work on himself then maybe he should go away for awhile and find what he is seeking? You can’t seek something by chilling at home on the couch.

  I don’t mean to encourage any doubts but from my own personal experience, if he’s not getting it from you (intimacy) he’s either artificially getting it, or is going somewhere else. This is something you need to confront, and ask him how he is being satisfied? But do not sound accusing and pray GOD opens his heart and mind before you go to speak with him, also pray that your hurt doesn’t overshadow your true goal (reconciliation). Hurt is a very powerful thing, but it’s not as powerful as LOVE, and HIS name means LOVE.

  If you’ve already confronted him one on one, now you must try confronting him with two or three witnesses. Check out Matthew 18:15-20. You may be afraid that he will not react very well to this method but put your faith in GOD and HE will right the wrongs. (Tip: Do not bring witnesses who know you two very personally. Ask someone who’s faith is strong but who can be objective. Parents –yours or his, are OFF LIMITS! A trusted fellow church member or Pastor would work great.) There is a reason HE tells us to handle being sinned against in this manner. You cannot go it alone, and it is not your fault! Keep faith and keep praying, don’t assume or think the worst either. Draw comfort from the truth that you’re loved and as hard as it is leave the rest to HIM.

  April, I am praying for you and girl, I am going to be praying hard. There is also a great section about divorce in Matthew, check that out and use it if need be. Good Luck April, I am praying for you. Love ya– Lynne

• 71 Lynne // Apr 14, 2008 at 12:10 pm

  (USA) MB, I wrote some things to Sue and Ann previously, that I think may help you too. I also understand what it is like to start noticing your flaws after the pain (of what he did) starts to subside. But be honest to yourself, if you’re doing these things that make you feel bad about the person (and wife) that you are, then there’s probably a reason.

  First thing, recognize game when you’re being played. The devil is playing you and his greatest weapon is the element of surprise. Secondly, you haven’t fully forgiven your husband. Pray that GOD gives you the strength to let it go. Trust me I know how impossible it is, but GOD makes the impossible possible so don’t go it alone. Lastly, it’s going to take time. You can’t forgive instantaneously; only HE can, but pay attention to your own efforts. You won’t forgive at all if you don’t keep trying.

  Beating yourself up over what you’ve been doing wrong is not going to change anything, so stop. You recognized that you were being destructive and now you can change that, but don’t dwell on it. You must have a tremendous heart if you can admit your faults (Most people wont). Dwell on that and build yourself up because GOD is the ultimate awesomeness, and you are HIS child. Pray that your actions and subconscious are guided by the Father. Keep your true goal in mind. What do you want?

  If you want to save your marriage focus on that, be not distracted by your faults. That’s the devil distracting you from achieving your goal by lowering your self-esteem and pulling you away from having a good marriage again. Keep your eyes on GOD and the rest will follow (eventually, and waiting is the hardest part). Your wanting to have your husband come home is completely understandable because regardless of the quality of job he did, he is the leader of your household and just because you’re capable of making it on your own, it doesn’t mean it feels good.

  I too know what that is like. You might want to read some of the articles on here regarding separation. You can’t make him come back, but GOD can. You can’t save him if he choses to defy GOD, but GOD can! His burden is not yours. That’s between him and GOD, but if you miss him, telling him that may not be a bad idea. Don’t let your pride stop you from saying how you feel because he did you wrong. Pride isn’t worth a thing when it comes to matters of the heart. When choosing between love and pride; LOVE always wins, because you get really lonely when it’s just you and your pride. Be hurt, you have every right, but don’t forget to heal. You can forgive someone even though it still hurts. But if you hold on to that hurt, eventually that’s all you’ll have left.

  Good Luck MB. My love and prayers are with you. Believe me when I say that I may not fully understand your situation(s) but I can definitely understand my own, and I remember (still know) what that kind of despair and hopelessness feels like. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but you have to realize that you have control over it, and you don’t have to feel bad. I love you girl and I hope and pray for you. Love, Lynne

• 72 Anne // Apr 16, 2008 at 12:55 am

  (CANADA)  Hey gals it’s been a few days since i was here. I’ve been doing ok somedays are harder than the rest. Today was challenging coz i was just being engulfed with bitterness towards my husband. Satan has a way of going into someones mind coz all the things i was thinking about are things that have happened. I prayed alot and asked God to forgive me for all the negative thoughts. There are days that i just get so tired of all this. There are days that i just feel anxious and this are the days that my heart is filled with anguish. I realise that this are the days that i really need to pray and let it go so that God can take care of it. Tomorrow we go back to see our pastor and it’s the first time that my husband will speak to him alone and i’ll be with his wife. I know this is God’s way of opening the door for my husband to get the guidance he needs and to talk about whats going on with him. Please pray for him to be able to open up coz thats not one of his strong qualities. I have been praying and i know for sure that it will not take that one day but for God to continue opening the door for my husband. Also pray for me coz satan is really trying to destroy me am fighting hard i think i’m just afraid with all this negative thoughts i’ll miss to hear what God is telling me. Thanks alot ladies i love you all and appreciate all your prayers.
  Lynne thanks alot for the advice i’m trying to open up to my husband too if he notices when there’s something wrong all i do is say a silent prayer befeore speaking so that i may not speak with resentment and it’s working. Telling him that theres nothing wrong when there is is a habit i need to break.

• 73 Sue // Apr 16, 2008 at 5:39 am

  (SA) Hi Ladies, I’ve been reading all your comments, and I thank God that I am able to see the changes that are taking placing within my marriage. Small things that never happened before, like getting a cup of coffee in the morning before my hubby goes to work - this is something he NEVER does - and the other day telling me that he’s never too busy to spare me 5 minutes of his time - at work. This is something I have longed to hear, but never did.

  These are 2 small things, but they show that change is possible without nagging or making suggestions from your side. Just leave it up to our Heavenly Father to make the changes that need to be made, and accept that in some ways your hubby may never change. But then it is with God’s consent. The will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot keep you.

  The Lord is powerful and mighty, and (as in my case) even if your husband is not a believer, as Lynn says, the power of God can enable him to become one. With God all things are possible. We as their wives should just keep praying, as that is how we can show our love to our hubby’s. God wants our marriages to work, God believes in marriage!

  So keep praying day and night and make God your priority, and ask God to open your eyes to see what God is doing. Open your eyes, heart, mind and spirit and WATCH and see what OUR FATHER does for us. HE loves each of us. God Bless

• 74 Lynne // Apr 16, 2008 at 6:41 am

  (USA) Anne, Glory be to GOD that things are getting better even if it doesn’t feel like it right away. HE is at work in both of you right now. Praise him, I am praying for you and for your husband. I must admit I was really hoping you’d write again and checking frequently because you both are making an effort to bring GOD into this and that is when the devil really starts to hit you hard. That is what the devil is doing to you right now. The minute you think a negative thought, train yourself to follow it with "oh that was the devil" and move on (even if you have to distract yourself). Recognition is the biggest weapon you have because your heart’s wants are true and your mind will follow if you "call out" what is happening.

  That is something I have to do when my husband does something bad to me or treats me poorly. I have to stop and realize what is going on so that I don’t start tearing him down in my mind to make myself feel better. I have to realize that it’s just the devil playing on my insecurities and if I can stop myself from tearing my husband down to feel better then I’ve done two great things. I’ve grown closer to GOD and I’ve improved the my image of my husband and it’s easier to respect him.

  I will keep you both in my prayers and I’ll be praying protection for both of you, and if you figure out a good way to break that habit let me know. I have the same one and I haven’t quite broken it yet either (especially when I dwell on what I’m mad about and it takes him a minute to ask.) So far "calling it out" right away has helped but if you figure out something better or something to accompany it let me know please? Love Ya, Lynne

• 75 LYNNE // Apr 17, 2008 at 6:09 am

  (USA) Anne, Hey girl I am still praying for you and I was just wondering how everything went yesterday? God Bless, Love ya,
  Lynne

• 76 Anne // Apr 17, 2008 at 10:13 am

  (CANADA) Hey Lynne, thanks a lot for your prayers. Yesterday went well. My husband met with the pastor and I went for coffee with the pastors wife. He didn’t tell me what they talked about and I didn’t ask. All I asked was if it well and if he was comfortable talking to him, and he said he was, so that was good. And he was in a really good mood afterwards.

  My talk with the wife went well too and she was very encouraging. She told me that until my husband forgives himself, he’ll continue to be withdrawn, but she said I can make it easy for him by being loving. And that works most of the time. It will pull him towards me. I should pray for God’s guidance and for HIS love to flow through me, and I can give that love to my husband. She also said that this will help him want to come home from work.

  My husband feels his days at work are the best. First, people don’t ask him about the marriage. And he’s so busy he doesn’t think about his problems. But at home, it’s a reminder of all the issues that are going on. She challenged me, and told me that everyday I have to do something loving for my husband, and to start by being affectionate. There’s no physical contact at all, so when he gets home from work I should hug him if even if he won’t hug me back.

  I’ve been told this before on this site by Amber, and I’ve read about spouses who’ve been loving to their withdrawn spouses, and they slowly come back and they always say that if it wasn’t for that, they may have taken a longer time.

  Pray for me that I may be able to do this everyday. I’ve told myself that I should do this, but when I see him I kinda freeze. But that satan’s way of getting me to be unloving. Yesterday when we got home I wrote him an email and just told him something simple about how I appreciated him doing laundry and cooking dinner the previous day, and that I love him. I just texted him and told him he has mail. I need prayers for guidance and patience. It won’t be easy being affectionate to someone who won’t reciprocate, but with faith it shall happen. Thanks a lot for all your prayers I know things will get better for us. I’m praying for you too. God Bless

• 77 LYNNE // Apr 17, 2008 at 7:14 pm

  (USA) Anne, I am so glad to hear that. PRAISE GOD! That is great advice. I’ll continue to pray for you and for your ability to physically show him your affections. You are on the right track girl, and I am so happy for you. It sounds like you both are making an effort, and that you’ve got awesome help. If you ever need to talk I am here. GOD BLESS! Love Ya, LYNNE

• 78 Anne // Apr 17, 2008 at 8:09 pm

  (CANADA) Hey girls, I need help. I found out that my hubby is still talking to the other woman. I have to confront the issue. Just pray that I do it in a way that will not escalate into an argument. I honestly don’t know how to react, coz I’m trying so hard to forgive him and her …and then this. I know I’ve been praying for God to end their friendship and I should trust HIM, but now I just feel like taking matters into my own hands. I figure that’s exactly what satan wants me to do and I won’t let him win. I don’t know what to do. I had just decided I would do a loving thing everyday, and now this…. Please pray for my husband to let go of her. I just feel like giving him an ultimatum –either her or our marriage. Pray for me please. Thanks. Love ya all

• 79 ANNE // Apr 17, 2008 at 11:50 pm

  (CANADA) Hey ladies I fell into the enemy’s trap… I feel so awful now, my heart is broken and I’m crying for God to forgive me because I didn’t trust Him to take care of the situation. I called that woman and I lost it and asked her why there’s still communication between the 2 of them. She said that they are just friends. She told me some stuff that my hubby has told her –all lies, and when I asked him, he said he didn’t tell her that. I don’t know what the truth is.

  But now I’m so scared that my hubby will end the marriage, because he shut me out and told me to just shut up. We argued, and now I know I fell in the devils trap. I’m so scared because I didn’t leave it to God. What shall I do? I need your help and prayers for God to restore this marriage and to show my hubby what he’s doing. It was just yesterday that we were making progress and now I’m gripped with fear for my marriage. I feel so guilty for not trusting God. I need you all so much and I feel so alone now. Please pray for me. Thanks. Pray that my husband doesn’t say it’s over.

• 80 LYNNE // Apr 18, 2008 at 6:15 am

  (USA) Anne, WAIT! STOP!!!! Do not confront him by yourself. Call your pastor right now. RIGHT NOW! Have your pastor and his wife go with you when you confront him. If you do it by yourself, your emotions will overtake you and satan will be using them. Refer to Matthew 18:15-20 when someone sins against you. You do confront them first on your own, but you’ve already done that before. Confront him now with two witnesses and your pastor and his wife are already trusted and informed. GOD is working here TRUST HIM!

  There is a reason those meeting went so well and maybe this is why, because if it hadn’t gotten better before, this would have been a final blow. Now there are people in your world who can help. I BEG you NOT to go at this alone BRING GOD. Bring the pastor and his wife Please! Your husband knows he’s done wrong whether he thinks you know or not. So satan will make him defensive and your emotions are running high. I can’t stress enough please bring your pastor with you. You can’t fix this but GOD can!

  I am praying for you Anne, and if you need anything you can definitely ask. I am at work now, but I can give you my personal email for later if you just want to vent. If you feel like you need to scream then do it, but just do it before you see him. I am not in anyway distracting you from what he did, but I am telling you that if you handle this the wrong way you’ll feel terrible all over again. And none of this needs to make you feel that way. I love ya girl and I am seriously praying hard for you right now. Love, LYNNE

• 81 LYNNE // Apr 18, 2008 at 7:23 am

  (USA) Anne, I guess after refreshing this page, I posted that comment too late. You didn’t handle the situation well, that is true, but this whole situation is not your fault. You didn’t sin against your husband. You did however sin against GOD, and you need to simply ask HIM for forgiveness and ask him to fill your heart with trust in HIM. Start trusting HIM now and that’s how you’ll repent. Trust HIM that even after all that’s happened, HE can FIX this. HE loves you and you need only ask him and have faith that HE will do right for you.

  Anne I am praying so hard for you and your husband. Call Your pastor right away Please? You need some more guidance and your pastor already knows about the current situation in your life. Please don’t fear your marriage ending that is the devil. You should never fear your marriage. I love you girl and I am here if you need me. Keep praying. You only have to ask him, that’s all, but if you stop asking then you wont receive. I’ll be praying. LOVE, LYNNE

• 82 LT // Apr 18, 2008 at 9:42 am

  (USA) Hi Anne, I’m putting in my 2 cents. I agree with Lynne. You already confronted the situation on your own, as the verses she gave you in Matthew describe. Now you need to bring in others. I agree.

  You should not consider ending the marriage - you’ve been doing very well. But if your husband makes that decision, he is in sin. Basically, whomever makes the decision, is in sin (as far as I can tell based on scriptures I know of) so let it not be you.

  And I agree with Lynne, also, that at this point your emotions are still too close to the surface. This situation is in the VERY early stages of being dealt with. You have to walk this longer and learn more, that God wants you to, before you will be spiritually mature enough, and objective enough, to handle these things on your own. That is why God has placed your pastor and his wife in your (and your husband’s) path right now.

  I’ll keep you in my prayers. Thanks for sharing with all of us!

• 83 Anne // Apr 18, 2008 at 4:32 pm

  (CANADA) Hey Gals thanks a lot for the messages. I called my pastor but he was not in the office. I’ll most likely talk to him on Monday. I had a really tough night, one of the worst since my problems started. For the first time my strength gave out and I fell and I didn’t try to get up. I was so defeated and I didn’t know what to do. I saw what letting go of God can lead to, because I felt so horrible. I felt ashamed and angry at myself for letting go of God and doing what satan had planned, to destroy what God is trying to build. I felt so bad because I gave satan the foothold and allowed myself to fall into his trap.

  I cried the whole night for God to forgive me for letting go of HIM and for losing faith and trust in HIM. I prayed that He would restore my faith and to help me to let go of all that had happened, and for Him to take it all. I felt worthless to be before Him because I felt I had let Him down so much, and I feared that I won’t feel His presence. It was really hard and I realised the fear that I had for my hubby to end the marriage, was satan again trying to make me feel horrible. I really prayed last night.

  I know what it’s truly like to fear the Lord because the fear of the Lord gripped me yesterday. I wrote my husband an email today and just told him how I felt about the whole thing. I swallowed my pride and apologized for dealing with the whole situation the wrong way. He called me and told me that this woman is not in our marriage. I feel differently about it, but God will help me out here. We didn’t argue which was good. We had a good talk. We didn’t finish because he was at work, but we’ll finish when he gets home. Pray that God may reveal to him what he’s doing isn’t working with our marriage and the healing.

  He didn’t apologize for what happened. I was prepared for that though. I think what makes me so angry is that he txt her, asking her about her day (they work together so…). Why can’t he txt me, which he doesn’t? They went for lunch and I’m just wondering how long will I hurt because of their so called "friendship"?

  Just pray for me to let this go, so that God can handle their friendship His way, because I can’t control what my husband does. Pray for us please to find healing. I asked God to let something good come out of this. I feel and know that He will open a door for us. I need you gals a lot. Pray for my husband to find God’s guidance in all this, and for him to get his answers from God. I just want all this to end.

  I did ask God where I haven’t grown spiritually, for Him to guide me through it. My hubby is going away this weekend, which I can’t wait, so I can have that time alone to get closer to God. Pray that God will open the door for communication so that we talk and be there for one another, instead of us dealing with our issues separately, because satan is trying to use that against us. I’m glad though that God forgave me because I can feel it. Thanks a lot for always being there. I honestly don’t know what I would do without all your help and prayers. May God bless you all.

• 84 LT // Apr 18, 2008 at 7:14 pm

  (USA) Hi Anne, I’m not in a position to do thorough research on the scriptures right now though (although I know there are ones that exist) but your husband’s "friendship" IS inappropriate.

  He should NOT be having lunch with her or speaking to her much unless the job requires it.

  See the articles here about "putting a hedge around your heart and marriage" because I think those contain the verses I’m thinking of. Proverbs talks a lot about that.

  I don’t know that you should tell your husband this (yet) but you should be aware of them. Obviously God has seen to it you grow first and more, before your husband will. It happens that way sometimes (and I’ve seen it a lot) where the wife starts seriously following God intensely before the husband does.

  That’s what came to mind reading your latest comment. That, and don’t beat yourself up too much. I can assure you God knows us all intimately and knows when/where/how we’ll fall. I’m glad you are repentant of your sin, but I also think it happened for you to learn from. God forgives you and you are clean. With love, LT

• 85 LYNNE // Apr 18, 2008 at 8:58 pm

  (USA) Anne, I have been praying so hard for you all day and asking people I pray with to pray as well. (Don’t worry didn’t mention everything.) I agree one million and 5 percent with LT. The relationship between your husband and this other woman is inappropriate to say the least. He expects to carry on a friendship with a woman that he had an affair with? That’s not just cutting your wife, that’s twisting the knife.

  Please don’t be offended but because of our very similar situations, I spoke with my husband about you. I asked him what it took for him to completely let go of everything he was doing that was hurting me. He told that it was when He started getting closer to GOD! Your hubby wants to be closer to GOD now. He met with the pastor and according to this email thread he’s been wanting to do that for a long time.

  Anne, You need to call your pastor on his home number. If he doesn’t have it listed then I would call someone who has it. However, I wouldn’t think that his number would be hard to get. You are not bugging him! GOD’s work doesn’t happen from 9-5 and waiting until Monday is a mistake. Monday is a long ways away.

  Girl, I cannot even tell you how I read your comments and cried. Now I check every morning and night to see how you’re doing. I know all to well how you feel. Do not beat yourself down. You already sincerely asked GOD to forgive you for wavering in your faith and trust. Guess what? It’s done. The moment you asked it was done. So let that go or you just leave more room for the devil to play.

  Talk with your pastor about this so called "friendship". He is going to agree that this bond that they have is against GOD and of the devil. If your husband responds with "oh so I can’t have friends now?" do not argue with him but simply remind him that this woman who did these things with him helped him get a little bit closer to hell, and they almost brought you along for the ride. With friends like that he’ll never need enemies.

  You love him and want to spend your life with him and that includes your life in heaven. You would never do anything to hurt him but You can’t save him. Tell him only GOD can save him now, drowning GOD out because he wants to fulfill his own wants will never get him to heaven. He knows that spending time with her is wrong and he knows he’s ignoring GOD, but what he’s forgetting is that by spending time with her he’s actually bonding with the devil. That’s dangerous!

  Pray for him Anne with all your might. Call your pastor at home. I promise you he will not think of you as rude. Your husband and your marriage are in trouble, and you both need help. God finally made your husband go to the pastor for a reason. That was not you who did that. God is telling you about your wrongs so that you can help your husband without a heavy heart. You can’t save your husband only GOD can but HE expects you to help. If HE didn’t then he wouldn’t have put you in your husband’s life to begin with.

  Remember that Helping is NOT doing though. MAKE THE CALL! Pray as soon as you hang up, and allow GOD to work. Leave it at that and Trust HIM to do the rest. Then spend that time with GOD, because it’s hard to spend time with him when you’re not doing what he told you to do. Trust me, I found that one out first hand.

  One last thing, Pray for this other woman as well. Pray that she too is able to see how she is going against GOD. She may be hurting just as much because of her actions. If you can’t do that yet, I can’t say that I blame you, it’s still a very fresh wound. But just keep it in the back of your mind because her soul is going to need some saving too and only GOD can do that too. I’m praying for all involved. My thoughts, heart, and most of all prayers are with you.

  Anne if you need anything ask, I will keep checking on you. I love ya girl. LOVE, LYNNE

• 86 Anne // Apr 19, 2008 at 12:57 am

  (CANADA) Hey Lynne and LT, thanks a lot for all your help and prayers. I didn’t call the pastor. I actually didn’t think of calling him at home and I have the number. I’ll do that though. I had gone for prayers at our church with my friend, and it was nice. She really prayed for me a lot and told me to ask God to remind me the reasons why I loved my hubby from the beginning.

  I know that we’ll get through this. I handed it all to God. I have been praying for this other woman, and it wasn’t easy the first time, because I choked with anger. Now I ask God to forgive her and to show her that what she’s doing is sinful. She’s so young — 20yrs, just a kid who’s out to have fun, and that angers me so much. I shall tell our pastor about it because he needs to talk to my husband. I do need a lot of prayers because I have an unforgiving heart now, and I need guidance from God on how to deal with this. Pray for my husband because he needs guidance and he needs to end this friendship.

  I’ll continue praying, and gals pray for me. I do feel better but I know satan shall try to destroy me but I’ll stand. I’ll read that article LT. Thanks gals, and God Bless

• 87 Cindy Wright // Apr 19, 2008 at 9:03 am

  Hi Anne, I want you to be assured that you are being prayed for by many others that you aren’t even aware of … including Steve and me.

  As I’ve been reading through all that you have written, and the exchange that you have had with others, I have to say that Steve and I agree with a lot of the advice that you’ve been given. And the love exchanged in the comments have been a blessing! But there are a few additional things I’d like you to consider.

  There is a time to be quiet and listen for what God is saying to you, and a time to petition the Lord for all that is going on around you. But there is also a time when the Lord gives you a voice to respectfully say what needs to be said AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME and in the appropriate way — to speak “the truth in love.” It may or may not be received as it should be, but your responsibility is to give, and leave the results to God, who is leading the way. Your husband is responsible to the Lord for what he does with what is given to him.

  Prayerfully prepare your heart to speak words (if God so leads) and live out actions that you can share with your husband — ones that could help him (and both of you) through this time in your marriage. And listen to what the Lord tells you, as for your part in all of this. Be humble and truthful — strong in the Lord, but not in pride.

  Your husband is a wonderful man in many ways. I’m sure of that. The Lord has affirmed that to me. But he’s naive and is playing into the hands of the enemy of our faith. He is playing with the fire of temptation and is gambling with your marriage relationship — assuming that the marriage will survive whatever actions he decides to put forth in living his life. That can lead to a true downfall if he’s not more careful than he has been in the past.

  At times we’ve all played with temptation and have fallen. This doesn’t make your husband any worse than you or me or anyone else. It just means that he needs to wise up, quit entertaining the enemy of our faith, and do what is right in how he leads his life. Many other people are affected and infected by our foolish actions.

  I’m reminded of the scriptures that say, “‘Everything is permissible’ — but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible’ — but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others” (1 Corinthians 10:23-24) And also: “Let us make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification” (Romans 14:19).

  When you apply these scriptures (and others) to what is happening right now in your marriage, you both need to consider what you are doing as individuals that is “constructive” and what “leads to peace” and to “mutual edification” (both within your home and outside of your home, for the sake of your marriage partnership and ultimately for the Kingdom of God). Throw away from you whatever behavior is destructive and whatever leads to tearing apart your partnership with each other and with the Lord. Grab onto the good.

  Your marriage very well may survive this “phase” of foolishness and selfism. But at what price? And how is that truly good for anyone in the long run? What is the eternal price that is being paid here? It’s a time to wise up and live accordingly.

  A book that strongly came to mind last night, as I was praying for you and others that have reached out to this ministry, is one of my favorites. It’s titled, “Because I Said Forever” by Deb Kalmbach and Heather Kopp, published by Multnomah. I highly recommend that you get this book. (If you order it through Amazon.com through this web site, Marriage Missions even gets a small commission — but wherever you get it, the point is that it has some great principles in it that I think you could benefit from reading.)

  You can read a description about it in the “For Married Women” section of this web site under “Links and Resource Descriptions.” It’s basically a book for women to inspire and help them through the tough challenges of marriages — ones in which we want to retreat from and give up on, but ones in which the Lord can do a resurrection work if we allow Him to strengthen and help us to persevere and be wise in how we approach things.

  This book specifically, has several chapters written about women, who have faced difficult challenges like yours but have learned how to set down loving but decisive boundaries with their husbands. And God, because He was the one who showed them how and when to do this, has blessed them because of it. I think these chapters, and the whole book, would be good for you to read and pray about, to help you in your marriage.

  There’s another book titled “Sacred Influence” by Gary Thomas, published by Zondervan that could help you to see “what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants.” I would highly recommend this book also. It’s also one of my favorites and is appropriate for what you are trying to learn.

  We also have an article in the “Emotionally Distant Spouse” section that you may benefit from reading. It is titled, “Why Doesn’t My Spouse Change? Functional Fixedness.” My husband Steve made the comment to me. “Her husband doesn’t change because he has no reason to. He sees no consequences for not changing his behavior. He feels he can have ‘the best of both worlds’ for free, because his wife is making it too easy for him. But he is wrong.” As long your husband feels that you will just roll over and let him do what he wants to do, without having to change, he very well may do so. Why not?

  I’m not saying that you rant and rave and set down foolish boundaries. But read the article and see the tone of what is being said. You are fighting for the preservation and health of your marriage. What would Jesus have you do? What would He do?

  Above all books and articles that I recommend, reading the Bible is the most important. It will show you the principles for living, which will point you to the principles of loving your husband, and living with him, as God has ordained for you to do.

  I pray this helps in some way. My love and prayers are with you, Cindy

• 88 LYNNE // Apr 19, 2008 at 3:07 pm

  (USA) Anne, That is awesome that you had prayer with a fellow believer. Focusing on GOD is the best thing you can do. I will definitely be praying for your ability to have a forgiving heart. Cindy is right you need to have limits with your husband. Pray for guidance before setting them and before implementing them.

  Anne, there is also a great article on this website about bitterness. I know because I am currently going through some issues and hard times with forgiveness as well. I’ve found these articles helpful as well as I’ve been spending a lot of time in the book of Matthew right now. As reflected by my recent recommendations. The unforgiving servant is a very humbling story if you really need that extra kick. Love, ya

  Cindy,
  You are completely right! You and your husband are truly touched by the Spirit and I am blessed that HE brought me to this site. Thank you.

  Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for me. Please pray that I to can have a forgiving heart and let go of betrayal and hurt. I have to meet with my in laws again and while the situation has been confronted and hurt let out, tomorrow will be the first time that we’re all together again since all this hurt was brought to light. I feel as if I have forgiven; I guess I’m just more nervous about the awkwardness that’s going to happen. I feel as if I am going to be walking on egg shells tomorrow so pray that I do not trip? Thank you all for your kindness.

  I’ve never been so close to strangers. Love, Lynne

• 89 LYNNE // Apr 20, 2008 at 5:52 pm

  (USA) How do you react when your husband refuses to talk to you? Mine is being so immature right now. He recently broke some promises and took advantage of my family’s kindness. I tried to talk to him about it and he turned his back towards me and said that he didn’t want to hear me or see me any more. He told me to get out of his sight and jump off a bridge. Needless to say I started breaking dishes. All of a sudden He could see me again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I went to church today and then to his family’s house without him. Then he showed up there later and acted as if nothing was wrong. I tried to talk to him about it again today and it was impossible.

  I gave him an Ultimatum last Dec. and he chose us (our family). Now he says that it doesn’t matter that he broke his promises because he never wanted to make them in the first place, and I made him. He doesn’t care about how much he hurts me. He started immediately attacking me saying I can’t keep our house clean and I don’t cook anymore. I work 40-60 hours a week and I do get behind because I have a 6 month old and my husband doesn’t help me unless we’ve gotten into a fight. Then after which he constantly critiques me, and acts like he’s King Kong or something. I can’t take this anymore. He is completely cutting off communication again. He said that he doesn’t care if I do leave.

  I don’t understand what to do. I am having a really hard time praying for him right now. Every thing’s been going so great it seemed, but that was only because he learned to lie a little bit better. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t stand that fact that he doesn’t respect me, I can’t stand the fact that he talks to me like a dog. I can’t stand the fact that he pretends to be where we need to be but is out doing the same old things behind my back. He is living his life and playing family on the side.

  What do you do when you set limits and he just steps all over them, and breaks them to pieces? Love, LYNNE

• 90 LT // Apr 20, 2008 at 9:32 pm

  (USA) Hi Lynne, I’m sorry to hear things are going so badly. I said a brief prayer before writing this. I want to try and briefly write down my thoughts.

  The first thing that came to mind was that everything your husband said/did is all stuff I’ve heard and still hear, over and over and over again. The most important thing is to recognize when a conversation is going nowhere (and you know when it is b/c you described it above) and try to leave as calmly, politely and tactfully as possible. Then - GO PRAY!

  Is it easy to dismiss yourself when you’ve been hurt and/or emotions are running high? No way! BUT - it’s where you have to get. I still struggle with it myself but through a lot of trial, error and perseverance, I have become more objective in times like that than I ever thought I’d be and I can assure you it is God in me, not my flesh. My flesh wants to do what you did - break dishes. (That’s not the right approach or reaction, obviously).

  As for what he says - you don’t clean enough, blah blah blah. Leave the insults in the room as you leave the room itself. Don’t even let that in. That’s Satan using your husband to get to you. In the bigger picture - this is your fight against Satan. A friend told me once, let someone else’s garbage be their garbage. That’s just trash talk coming out of his mouth because he’s defensive and since you "wounded" him, he’s going to do the same to you. It’s tit for tat. It’s reviling evil for evil and railing for railing, which the Bible forbids. Don’t let it sink in.

  The best thing I’ve found in situations like that, for me, is to leave and go pray. I used to sob and pray for an hour, sometimes longer. But over the months, when I find myself that upset and I go pray now. It’s literally no more than 10 minutes and God touches my heart and I’m right as rain. It’s an acquired skill that can only be ascertained by much practice but you can get there.

  I would say, keep trying to have the conversations but ONLY when you know the emotional mood is okay for that. ALWAYS dismiss yourself when the trash talking starts. Over time, you’ll find the conversations getting longer and longer and the trash talking less and less. You’ll find yourself making more headway but it takes a lot of practice. That’s what’s happened with me.

  Don’t let your boundaries down either. You know the limits you set - keep sticking to them even if your husband doesn’t respect them. As long as they are Godly limits and are done out of a love for God and your family (the best thing for the family) they are acceptable boundaries.

  Did you read the article on this website about boundaries? If not, post back and I can give you the link.

  There’s also a small article based on the book Sacred Influence. It’s got good info. The book, however…..well, I bought it and was greatly disappointed by the sharp tone of the author and I DO NOT recommend it for anyone who is in an abusive situation. It only devotes a few small pages, all the way in the middle of the book, to abuse but a lot of the language in the book points the finger at it being women’s faults that they have problems to begin with. I found the book highly disappointing but the brief article here on the website, was VERY helpful to me (strangely enough). I don’t want to talk too much more about the book - that’s reserved for the article page where I might leave a comment if I feel led to but I do recommend that article here.

  Let me know if you need either of those links.

  Also - I think if you know that your in-laws are not treating you well, I honestly don’t see anything wrong with limiting your time with them. The Bible does tell us not to keep company with sinners. If they can’t love you properly or don’t know how (whether they are aware of it or not), there’s no reason to keep company with them. It’s going to bring you down and God tells us to focus on the positive things.

  Well, hope this helps. Write back if you feel you need to talk more or want to update us further! With love, LT

• 91 Sue // Apr 21, 2008 at 4:35 am

  (SA) Hi Anne, I know exactly how you feel, cos I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt. But let me tell you this, I agree with the others, YOU have to let go and let GOD! My husband did the same thing, not with one women, but with many. Sometimes he confessed it, other times I found out. Yes, I know how it feels when he can text her, phone her, spend time with her, and not with you. You feel like you are getting the bread crumbs of the marriage!

  I know, but let me tell you something, YOU need to draw closer to the Lord. Stop concentrating on your situation, and turn your focus onto the Lord. Read your Bible, sing praises to Him - anything just keep your mind on HIM! You will see the changes coming from within YOU and your husband will be amazed and baffled. Then, start forgiving him and her, pray for them. Daily - keeping your focus on God enables the Lord to work within YOU, God loves you, so much and wants you to allow HIM to work in your soul, spirit, body and mind. LET HIM!

  I have found that even at work, when it’s not always possible to read my Bible, that I just keep talking to GOD in my mind even, that is where my focus is! Then, I don’t always "see" the horrible "little" things that hubby does, cos GOD lets me see the "important" things. When you speak to your hubby - pray before you say anything - no matter how important or of the daily routine it is - pray ! Ask God to put a guard before your mouth, before you say something, and if it is Gods will that you say it, that God will give you the courage to say it, in a way that is acceptable to HIM, and that your hubby will hear it the way God intended it to be.

  I am a very shy and loyal person, but my hubby is out going and talkative - total opposites - but God joined us together for a reason! He wants to do something with our lives - not sure what yet, but I know that He does. The same goes for you, God wants to use you both.

  Hang in there as hard as it is, keep praying! Don’t phone this girl, don’t judge her, don’t wish bad things upon her, don’t ask your hubby about her. Ask God to end their "friendship" if it is a threat to your marriage, and I promise you HE will do it, if you pray with an open heart and mind. Forgiveness, is not easy. Tell God how hard it is to forgive both of them.

  Hang in there and we are all praying for you.

• 92 LYNNE // Apr 21, 2008 at 9:08 am

  (USA) LT thank you so much. You’re right I didn’t handle the situation very well and I know that. I’ll have to make that my practice. I guess I should have been more clear with what was going on. My husband broke promises to me but it was not regarding another woman. It was involving some old habits that carry serious consequences and health risks. However I did find a lot of what you said very helpful Sue, thank you.

  My husbands problems are not involving another woman but they involve everything else being more important than me. This morning we got into it again. He didn’t come home at all last night and stayed on his brother’s couch. So this morning after being up with our sick 6 month old a lot last night, I had a short fuse. I did however manage to speak to him with out breaking anything. I just let him know that I wasn’t going to take this anymore.

  I know that GOD hates divorce. So do I but I don’t understand why my husband keeps pushing me. He’s been treating me like crap, and creating some very harmful situations for our family. I have a 6 month old to think about, and I cannot stay in a dangerous situation. Please pray that he and I can talk with out yelling and that GOD changes his heart and mind about what’s important. LYNNE

• 93 LYNNE // Apr 21, 2008 at 9:40 am

  (USA) Well tonight we are going to talk. He just called me at work and apologized for some of his actions and asked if we could talk. Please Pray for me and my husband that we can talk without having our emotions take over. I am still very upset and my emotions are running high. Pray I can calm down before we meet tonight. I am mad but do not want a divorce. I want to work on our marriage, and on being able to count on him. The lies and deceit needs to stop, and GOD help me if I did find out there was another woman. (I don’t believe there is, I think that was the devil trying to work me up sorry)

  I guess I still don’t trust him, and his actions aren’t making it any easier right now. Please pray for me and for my ability to make a new habit and follow LT’s advice. Thank you all so very much. Love, LYNNE

  PS. Anne how are you doing?

• 94 LYNNE // Apr 21, 2008 at 11:34 am

  (USA) LT, Hey I was just looking for that article on my break can you send me the link? Thank You. Love, Lynne

• 95 LT // Apr 21, 2008 at 1:55 pm

  (USA) Thanks for the updates Lynne! Sorry to hear you were up with the baby during the night - that’s always very hard.

  I think it’s a great sign your husband called and apologized. My assumption is that the more the two of you work at it (or at least you work at your side even if he doesn’t), then that type of situation - one of apology and humility from both parties - will start to replace the emotions and anger.

  It’s a huge work but one that is worth it once you get there. It’s great you don’t want a divorce - that’s a step in the right direction. It means you’ll approach situations with a desire to overcome and not give up and that’s HUGE!

  I, too, agree with Sue. Focusing on God not only fills you up with Holy joy and fulfillment, but does take your mind off the bad situations when they seem like they are swallowing you up. It’s a great way to stay focused on the right things and not dwell on the bad things.

  I’ll pray for your meeting tonight.

• 96 Anne // Apr 22, 2008 at 12:24 am

  (CANADA) Hey all, it’s been a few days since I wrote.Thanks all for your messages. Cindy thanks a lot for the advice. I’ll get those books. Sue, thanks too, it was very nice advice and I know what you totally mean. I’ve had bad days since Thursday. When my husband left on Friday I felt relieved that I had the whole weekend to myself. He ended up coming back with his cousin on Saturday morning (he didn’t tell me, his mum told me he had slept at the sisters place, coz they were together).

  All of a sudden I just felt terrible and I couldn’t put a finger on it. Later when I saw him and said hi, I felt so sad. The whole day I was so sad and wondered how did we end up like this. I was sad because I realised I wasn’t happy to see him and I wished he was still away.

  That night after work we were gonna take his cousin around the area (it was his first time visiting). He did asked me “what’s wrong” and I told him what I was feeling. At home after I got ready, I just laid on the bed. I was in such a low mood and once again he asked “whats up”? I gave him the same answer and then he told me he knew there was more. I just started crying coz I felt spent and I told him the sadness was wearing me down. I was also bitter and resentful about his "friendship" but I didn’t bring that up.

  I had to gather up my "happy" face to be around people and be pleasant. I felt tired of pretending that we’re ok and all I wanted was to crawl in bed and cry.On Sunday the sermon was about faith and people complaining about their problems. It got me thinking a lot and I just felt teary. At the end of the service the pastor asked if anyone needed to be prayed for and I found myself going down the stairs (I’ve never gone before). I went straight to our pastor, the one we go see, and he asked me how I’m doing. I just cried and said, “I can’t do this anymore. My hubby is still friends with this woman and I feel defeated.” He prayed for my husband and for me, that my faith be restored. I felt better by the time we left church.

  That night we had an argument about the other woman again. I just had all these questions… and after I cried and I felt spent and tired. My husband shut down and just stopped talking. He left me crying and I thought, “how has he become so "cold- hearted"”? I left the room and when I was in the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror and I just asked myself, “Am I strong enough to go on?” Then immediately I just said, “sorry God” coz I thought, wow, here He is helping me and I just mess it up.

  All of a sudden I thought, wow, God must be really sad! Then I told myself, if HE is sad, satan must be clapping his hands with joy, and immediately my defenses went down and i literally felt myself let EVERYTHING GO. I said, “satan will not win.” I saw the whole picture in my head…on Wednesday my hubby and I had had a great session with the pastor and his wife. I saw that God had opened doors and satan had to come and destroyed, and i was falling for it. I said, “no more.” I dropped my pride and went to the guest room and told my hubby that I just wanted to say what I felt and what his friendship was doing to me. He asked if I thought about how he’s feeling. I just told him,I can’t speak for him he has to open up.

  He said he is sad and depressed and hurting. He did say we would talk today, but we didn’t coz things came up. But I had prayed to God and asked Him if this is the day for HIM to open the door, and for sure, I know this whole week, our schedules are not great. But it’s ok. God will open the door to that day.

  To me, that was a huge step from my hubby. I told him that we are both hurting, and it’s sad we are not there for one another. I told him that we both have a lot of habits to break and that God will see us through. I also told him that I’m praying for him. For the first time in months, I kissed him on the cheek and told him we’ll be fine. He said “ok”, and he thanked me for praying for him.

  I felt good when I left the room and I prayed for God to renew my faith, and to open doors for us. I told Him that I won’t worry about my hubby’s friendship with the other woman. That’s HIS fight, not mine. I’ve had a peaceful day for once and I feel hopeful. I truly know that we’ll be ok. Pray for me to continue having faith and to learn when to say things and when not to. My hubby doesn’t see anything wrong with his friendship and I realise that it’s not in my place to open his eyes but God’s. Pray for my husband too, to go to God with his burdens, coz only God can give him the answers he is seeking. Thanks ladies for your support and prayers.

  LYNNE, thanks a lot for the advice and I’m sorry about what’s going on. I hope the talk went well and I’m glad your husband is the one who called. One thing I’d like to tell you is that your husband is just listening to the lies of satan. Things were ok for a while for you but satan came and destroyed that. You have to see this and pray to God to give you the strength and wisdom on how to deal with these things. That’s what I’m doing for myself too, coz I noticed that anytime my hubby and I have a good day, satan comes in to destroy. I say NO MORE!

  I know it’s easy to just yell and vent but don’t you just feel spent… satan wants to destroy your marriage and you have to stop him with PRAYER AND FAITH. God has a great plan for you and your husband. Just believe that. PRAY and PRAY some more. The freedom of letting go is such a reward. I know it won’t be easy but have faith hang in there. Read COLOSSIANS 3, the whole chapter. It tells us how God wants us to live with one another. Let me know how the talk went.

  I know it’s not gonna be easy for my hubby and I, but I have faith that God has a great plan for us. I feel as if God was waiting for me to let go, and HE was telling me that, but i just wasn’t listening. Pray for me that I learn how to let go of any other trial that will come. Thanks a lot for everything. I love you all.

• 97 ANNE // Apr 22, 2008 at 12:46 am

  (CANADA) Hey Lynne, I thought I may add some thing and hope it helps. One thing you need to keep in mind is that when God created you, HE already knew who your husband would be and HE doesn’t make mistakes. This is a trial and GOD wants to bring you closer to HIM. I once read that God needs only one heart to save a marriage. HE chose yours Thank HIM for that everyday. He has so much faith in you and HE will give you so much strength to endure this and wisdom on how to pray for your husband. It’s gonna be ok Lynne, just LET IT GO. Love you big. Read JEREMIAH 29 11-14.

• 98 LYNNE // Apr 22, 2008 at 6:28 am

  (USA) LT, Thank you so much for all your good advice and prayers. Your advice really helped to keep the situation from getting worse. I would really like to read those articles you suggested as well if you could please send me those links?

  Last night did not go well at all. I was able, however, to follow your advice and just leave the situation. I was unable to leave the insults in the room though. They cut me pretty deep. So I prayed and cried about them until I finally just fell asleep. My husband was really hurtful last night and said that he didn’t care what kind of boundaries or limits we have, he is going to do what he wants regardless. He’s not willing to sacrifice for me at all and he admits that. I am not important enough to him. So I don’t know what to do. I pray that GOD will change his mind and heart. But knowing that he doesn’t love me enough, hurts worse than I can even explain. I am supposed to come second to only GOD but I come second to absolutely everything: video games, friends, recreational activities, work, TV, etc. It scares me that GOD is not coming first for him anymore either.

  Last night I was very brief in my prayers for him. It took everything that I was, just to even pray for him at all. I really need some prayers ladies. All I can think about is separation. I don’t even want to be with him anymore. He’s turned into this greedy, bitter, stubborn man. It doesn’t help that all of his friends are telling him that he is right and that I am a bad wife. They say that I should let him do whatever he wants and they have a completely twisted view of what submission means (even the women in their click). They have him completely convinced that he is not doing anything wrong, and he listens. What they do is not only wrong it’s illegal, and I am not going to stand for it. Please pray for me, and for my husband, and for his idiotic friends.

  He and I aren’t speaking right now. The last thing he said to me besides bye this morning, was that he needs to go out and find a wife that will participate in partying with him, and she’ll stay thin, dress sexy, keep his house clean, and listen, to do everything he says.

  That is when I left the room. He’s comparing me to his friend’s wife who stays at home all day with the kids, and parties at night while the kids are sleeping. I am not going to make judgments against her. All I am going to say is, that is not the kind of life I want for my family. I refuse to live that way. He’s said that he’s not sure if I am worth it for him to quit living that kind of life. I said that if he’s not sure I’m worth it to him, then he’s really saying is that I am not. I gave him and ultimatum and he didn’t choose me. I just don’t mean enough to him.

  Please pray for us. I don’t want a divorce, I hate the word. But I am afraid that we are going to separate and divorce could possibly follow if his heart and mind doesn’t change. Please pray for us? Love ya, LYNNE

• 99 LYNNE // Apr 22, 2008 at 8:58 am

  (USA) Anne, I just read your comments that is awesome advice. Thank you so much for that. I am going to do my very best to take it. I can’t even explain how badly last night went. I wish I would have read your comments this morning. Today I am contacting a Christian counseling agency in out area and I am going to set an appointment for my husband and I.

  I feel as if there is going to be a separation but I don’t want it to be a separation from GOD for either of us. I fear that if we are not together then the devil will have too long to play with out getting some help. I also fear that if we stay in the same house we’ll tear down whatever progress we make in counseling right now.

  I know that there are some issues that both of us need to resolve that need GOD and someone who has a specialty with these issues. So I am going to make that appointment and if he goes then that’s great if not… Well I’m going to leave that to GOD.

  Anne, reading what you’ve just written has given me some hope back when I say I wish I’d have read it this morning. I mean that if I had read your comments this morning I wouldn’t have felt as crappy as I have. Thank you so much for that. I continuously Keep you and your husband in my prayers. I mean it when I say that I’ve never connected with some friends as much as I have with all of you ladies. Thank you so much.

  Where I fall short you ladies give me hope, and where I seem strong I read that someone else my not be and I feel so awesome to help. I really do feel used by GOD when that occurs, and right now I feel as if GOD is using you ladies to help me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! Love, LYNNE

  PS Please Pray that I am able to let go as well?

• 100 MB // Apr 22, 2008 at 9:28 am

  (USA) Ladies, just wanted to say I am praying for each of you. I believe God can and will heal your marriages as He will mine. Let’s all continue to pray for each other as well as our husbands -and especially for the children. No person or situation is too hard for God. Read Ephesians 3:20 He can do it all!! God bless all of you -MB

• 101 LYNNE // Apr 22, 2008 at 12:29 pm

  (USA)  GOD is GOOD! I called a Christian counseling agency here and they had a cancelation for tonight, even better my husband agreed to go!! You can’t tell me that is not GOD @ work! He can do this and I will just TRUST HIM!

• 102 ANNE // Apr 22, 2008 at 2:30 pm

  (CANADA) Hey Lynne I’m so sorry that the talk didn’t go well. I’m glad though you’re both going to see a counselor. I’ve prayed for you and your husband and that God may give the counselor wisdom and words that will help you. Oh girl, I feel your pain. I’ve gone through the same thing in February. My husband used to tell me that he didn’t love me the same way, and that I was too controlling and he wanted the marriage to end. He never used to come home most weekends and i never knew where he used to go. What was hard was that I never knew whether he used to go the other woman’s place and he never used to pick up my calls. He found new "friends" that I didn’t know, and he shut everyone out including me. And he never used to speak to me at all. That was HARD.

  All I did was pray coz seriously, I thought he had just gone crazy coz he wasn’t the man I married. I also did get to the point of wanting to leave him and I started looking for places. That night though, I cried to God so hard and asked Him if this was what I needed to do. He spoke to me through a song and told me not to give up.

  The next morning my husband wrote me an email and told me that he realised he’s better of with me and nobody else. He went to the places we went for our first date and he couldn’t end the marriage. He wrote that he loved me and that was the last time I heard those words.That was beginning of March. It has been hard. It will not be easy Lynne. Honestly, there’ll be a time you’ll look back and wonder how you got through. Just pray and have faith that God already has answers and will restore your marriage back. Now HE really needs you to go closer to HIM so that HE may change you and help you grow. Pray for wisdom and patience you need it.

  When I look back, I always see what God has done for me. I’ve fallen many times but He always gets me up. The pain will go away day by day. Leave it all to HIM. This is not your battle but the Lords. Even now my husband is still not himself. He’s arrogant, cold, withdrawn, and he just seems to want to do things without me, or he just seems to want to live life without being accountable to anyone especially me. All this things are the lies satan is telling him. He’s one man I know who has a great heart and I always tell myself that and I just pray for God to break that bondage he’s in.

  Now things seem hopeless and it’s easy to give up, but don’t. Separation may or may not work. I did get lots of advice to leave my husband and that he’ll come to his senses when he sees that he can lose me, but God said otherwise. Pray about it and ask God to guide you.

  Have you read the part about the wife and the prayer for the wife in POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE? Use that prayer to pray for yourself. It was really helpful and it helped me see my mistakes. As much as you’re hurting so is your husband (I know you don’t want to hear that. I never wanted to think about it either). It’s easy to forget that, and just think about ourselves.

  Men just never show their emotions so they put up this front and hide behind it. Even at the counselor’s office, if he doesn’t seem to know how to express himself, don’t lose hope. I went through the same thing. The first time we went to see the pastor with my husband, the pastor had to pull things out from him and now he seems to find it easier to open up.

  I hope your husband opens up though. I’ll pray for you. God will open the door for you Lynne. Just listen to HIM when He speaks to you. God is just a prayer away and He does listen. He just answers our prayers HIS WAY, not our way coz HE knows what’s best for you and your marriage. Nothing is impossible for God. Your situation will turn around. I’ve learned… actually I started yesterday to thank Him for things that I took for granted, like my husband comes home everyday and doesn’t sleep out. I’m just thanking Him for the miracle that will befall our marriage. Lynne, hold on to God. He will make a way that no man shall close. Have faith girl. I’ll continually pray for you and your husband. Remember you are the anchor in that marriage. You are holding it together with prayer.

  Pray for me too, that when the day God has chosen for us to talk with my husband, HIS presence will be with us, and my husband will be able to open up. Thank you all. Love ya all, and God Bless

• 103 LYNNE // Apr 22, 2008 at 7:33 pm

  (USA) Well… We saw the counselor and that was good for me, bad for us. But I kind of had this peaceful feeling come over me just before I realized the truth. My husband admitted to the counselor in this session that he doesn’t want to change, and he doesn’t want to be married either. He also admitted that he felt pressured to marry me because we were living together before we were married. He begged me to move in with him. I told him five times before I relented because I knew it was a bad idea.

  He begged me to marry him. I thought we hadn’t known each other long enough (and I knew it was too soon). I said no at first. Then he convinced me he loved me and couldn’t live without me. So I married him. I asked him to leave at the counseling session, and the counselor said that she’d see me again, but not as marriage counseling. He doesn’t want to change so she can’t help him. She’s not going to waste our money or her time. Bill was very easy going the whole time with the conversation. He put up no fight about separating (I didn’t expect that).

  I figured out why later on tonight. I went down and talked with him about wearing our rings still. He said that he probably was going to be wearing his. I already knew before he told me. There is another woman. This girl he had a crush on all throughout his teen years and dated, is currently getting a divorce. He’s leaving me to chase her. He hasn’t seen her yet but he’s leaving me to chase her.

  He’s not willing to make an effort for our marriage because he wants a chance with her. But he doesn’t want to get a divorce in case things between him and her don’t work out. In that case he’ll try the marriage.

  I agreed to the separation but I am done with this marriage. I didn’t want a divorce but I know that a marriage based on last resort with no love, and no commitment to him, is just as bad as a divorce. He never created marriage to be like that. Living in a marriage like that is a joke. You’re keeping to the law, when your spouse has more than broken the law. I just don’t know if I can live with second choice.

  I think that we are going to end up in divorce and I handed him my rings for the time being. In my heart I feel like it’s over but strangely enough GOD is giving me peace with that. I am going to continue seeing the Christian counselor, and I’ll continue praying for him but I cannot lie and say that my heart is in this, because it’s not.

  Pray for me, I know I need it. Love, Lynne

• 104 LT // Apr 23, 2008 at 7:43 am

  (USA) Hi Lynne, I think you said your husband is a "christian?" Well, sorry but that does not sound to be the case.

  My observation is that there are a lot of so-called "Christians" out there but they are extremely spiritually weak and strong in satisfying their flesh. I know because I used to be one. With the state of my abusive marriage, my shame at sharing with anyone what was really going on because it’s so embarrassing, and my husband’s insistence that nothing was really wrong and/or that I was "making" him hit me with my words, I can assure you my flesh screamed out.

  I turned to alcohol, which started by me going to happy hours after work. Then, after a while, with my heart just wanting to be loved, I, too, turned to an affair. It started as a "friendship" and then turned to more. Finally, knowing I was caught in sin and then after another argument where my husband got physical, I left. I’d tried to tell him I was leaving weeks before but that ended up in him shoving me against a wall and holding my in a stranglehold by my neck. Part of me hoped he would strangle me so I’d be out of my misery.

  At any rate - I spiraled into deep depression during that time of my life. I eventually came back to my husband because I literally felt the pull of God making me go back even though I only partly wanted to. The one thing I can say is that, thankfully, my husband and I had always made pretty good money so materialistically I couldn’t complain. I did have a really comfortable life and house to go back to but it was almost a decade later before the abuse was finally addressed and the physical side stopped. Our child is what made me really force the issue. I wasn’t going to have him growing up with what I’d been allowing to happen to myself for so long.

  At any rate, all that aside, either your husband is a fleshly Christian (which is mediocrity at its best) or he’s extremely back-slidden.

  Here’s the verse I want to suggest you read: I Corinthians 7.

  It talks about divorce and the grounds for it. The fact is Lynne (and I’m NOT saying this to advocate divorce or sway your mind to a decision one way or the other) is that if the marriage bonds are broken by infidelity, God sees that as a forgivable reason for divorce.

  I agree with Anne - let God guide your heart. But you should read that chapter. If your marriage does end in divorce, then you would find comfort in reading that. At this point, I don’t even think I’d call your husband a believer anymore - he certainly doesn’t sound like he’s acting as one.

  God is the only one who can really answer all these things and give you the answers you need for your personal situation.

  You are in our prayers!!

• 105 Cindy Wright // Apr 23, 2008 at 8:09 am

  Dear Lynne, I can assure you that there are a lot of people praying for you. I think everyone who was writing before is in a state of shock and mourning, and wants to pray about what they would say to you at this point. I’ve been and am still doing the same.

  I want to say that I am so very, very sorry for this horrible turn of events in your marriage. My heart grieves for you, and for your husband — for the losses that you are both, and will both experience if things continue down the road they now are traveling. I can’t tell you how much my heart is crying for both of you.

  But I’m also crying for the Lord, because I know that this hurts His heart deeply also. I want to pray about what to say beyond this, because this is too important of a time in your life for me to say something to you off the top of my head. I want to take the time to pray, making sure that my humanness doesn’t get in the way of anything that I would say, so that it would be in line with what the Lord would have me say to you.

  Lynne, I want to ask you a few questions, if you would allow me to do that. I’d like to ask you if your husband is a follower of Jesus Christ. Does he have a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ? And what about you? I know you pray, and that is wonderful. But beyond that, do you know our Heavenly Father in a deep and personal way — Have you ever accepted the gift of life that God offers us by accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior? And have you made Him your Lord?

  If that puzzles you and you wonder, we have a link in the upper right hand corner of each page that says, “Seeking Direction? Purpose? Hope?” If you (or anyone else reading this comment) is wondering about this, please click into it and follow the prompts that are provided.

  The reason I am asking you these questions is because your answers will affect what I would say to you after I spend more time in prayer. I know you are going through a very uncertain time right now. I’m sorry to ask more of you when right now you must have so many other questions on your mind. But I hope you will let me know when you can. I truly care. And I know that there are many others who care very deeply for you also.

  Please know that you are loved, and are being prayed for. You are a blessing to all of us who have started to get to know you through what you have written.

• 106 Amber // Apr 23, 2008 at 9:14 am

  (USA) Hello, It has been a while since I have posted but I assure you I log on every day to read every post and I want you Lynne to know that I am crying for you. Having been in your shoes, I DEEEPLY feel your pain. You are not alone and I am praying for you every second of the day. All my Love to you!!!

• 107 LYNNE // Apr 23, 2008 at 9:22 am

  (USA) Thank you ladies. To answer your questions Cindy, I do feel as if I have a deep connection with my true father and I’ve completely given my heart over to Jesus. I accept that he is my savior and that he gave is very life to save mine. My heart is filled with him and wants to full fill HIS wants for my life. I think that why I stayed as long as I did.

  I am having a really hard time with the thought of forgiveness right now though. I’d be a liar if I said that I was completely right with that. As for my husband, I think that he has lost touch with GOD. I believe that LT is right, he’s become a "flesh-y" Christian. I don’t know what to do anymore. I keep praying and thankfully good things are happening but my heart hasn’t changed it’s mind, and I kind of feel this peace about that.

  My husband has a horrible addiction and never wanted to change. Now he actually wants to change and he’s doing it for himself which is great. We ended up getting in yet another confrontation last night and I really did some hateful things out of anger (deleted all his files, email accounts, gaming systems). I know that it was wrong but at the time I was so angry. I still have to ask forgiveness from HIM for that one. However that was when I found the most evil thing I’ve ever seen in my life. My husband was still doing those disgraceful things and now there was a twist. The girl in the pornography video was not of age! I cried and cried and cried.

  My husband is going into a residential treatment program and has an evaluation at 3 pm. He knows he needs intensive therapy. Please pray that all goes well and that this organization admits him today, and they are able to help him. Thankfully GOD has put that want in his heart now and that’s what I prayed for.

  This morning he seemed very remorseful and wanting of help. He’s been breaking down all day and I really think that is the LORD at work. I am thankful for that too but, while GOD is putting the want in me to help him, it’s with the understanding that it’s not going to change things between us. Things are so far gone, I don’t think us staying together is GOD’s plan anymore. I think this is GOD’s way of getting my husband back for HIM not me. So I am keeping my distance but being supportive.

  I need to go and find another job today too, just part time. I don’t know how long he is going to be gone and I’ll need to make ends meet. So please pray that I am able to find something that will fit my schedule without taking time from my son. Please pray for my son too? My baby is just the innocent victim in this situation. He doesn’t even understand why his "da" is going away. He’s such a loving kid. It makes me cry when I think about how bad it’s gotten for my little guy. I think that’s why this is the best thing. I just pray that we can all grow from this experience, but it’s hard to see any sunshine through all of this rain right now.
  Love you guys a lot. You’ll never know how much you’ve meant to me. LOVE, LYNNE

• 108 LYNNE // Apr 23, 2008 at 9:42 am

  (USA) Amber, I am sorry I didn’t see your comment until I posted. Thank you so much girl. I really can’t even tell you how much that means to me. You all are awesome. Love, LYNNE

• 109 Anne // Apr 23, 2008 at 10:49 am

  (CANADA) Hey Lynne, like Cindy said about people being shocked, I was shocked by the turn of events. I read the message last night but I couldn’t reply. I had to pray for you, then ask God to guide me on what to say. I’m so sorry that things turned out this way and I honestly felt your pain. I also cried for you in prayer.

  Lynne, for sure you can’t change your husband, and it’s not even in your place to do so. Right now Lynne, you need God more than ever. You need to ask Him to guide you. This is not Hiss plan right now. He wants you to Trust HIM and go to HIM. Nobody can answer your questions. Only HE can, and HE wants to.

  Get closer to God. That’s all HE wants now, and ask HIM to show you the changes that you need to make in your life. I hope you have good Christian friends, even if it’s only one, coz you need to be careful with all the advice you’ll get from people. Remember God is only a prayer away and He’ll be there, and listen to HIM.

  One thing I know is that God does speak to us. It’s just that sometimes we are too busy trying to fix things ourselves that we don’t hear Him. This battle is not yours to fight, but the LORDS. As for your husband, all I’ll say is pray for him, coz the things he said to you are just wrong. Lynne, God is reaching out to you go to HIM. Know that HE has a great plan for you. Make sure you read the verse that LT gave you; it will help you. I love you and I’ll continue praying for the both of you. God Bless. Hope you’ll write to let us know how you are.

• 110 LT // Apr 23, 2008 at 11:49 am

  (USA) Thanks, Cindy, for writing what you wrote to Lynne. Due to my situation - I’m staying at home with a pre-schooler all day and generally only have the time to write in short spurts. (With a young one, the only time you have at peace is when they are sleeping, ).

  I do not write, ever, when I truly don’t have anything to say. God has given me the discernment of knowing, fairly quickly, if I’m to share a comment with someone here or not. God has taught me not to write from an emotional and/or fleshly standpoint. That being said, however, I generally have verses going on in my head that support my viewpoints, but don’t always have the time to look them up because my 2 year old will probably come in at any moment and see my keyboard and want to start hitting keys, etc., and possibly delete everything I did have the time to write.

  So…..all of that is leading up to my point for writing this comment.

  I was struck, VERY strongly, in fact, by the Holy Spirit, that Cindy’s message was one you need to consider Lynne.

  She has more experience in ministry than I do, but this site is her ministry (and her husband’s) from God. I’m merely a believer who contributes as I can, and when I feel my personal walk with the Lord allows me something deeper to add to help another. But the comments I leave on this site are not my main ministry. My full time ministry right now is working to do whatever I can to mend a still broken (but much improved) marriage and to look after my son and try to be a Godly example to him and my husband. That will always get more time and attention than the marriage missions website but I LOVE coming here.

  In other words, this is Steve and Cindy’s place - by the ordination and leading of God. And I totally respect that and yield to the fact God is having her help you right now.

  I LOVE what you wrote, Cindy. I think they are wonderful points and are in the direction that God is leading right now. Your experience and time will allow you to help Lynne (and others reading this) in a much deeper, more profound and impactful way than I’m sent to.

  Lynne, please consider communicating with Cindy for the next few days or weeks - this is a critical juncture in your life and none of us wants you to act hastily. God would hold us all accountable if we were the cause of you doing the wrong thing as well.

  From this point on, because of my time constraints and my situation during the day, I can’t add anything deeper but I know Cindy has been given that job for now - to truly help you.

  The other thing I did forget to mention earlier, is that if your counselor is not a Christian counselor, then it would behoove you to find a different counselor who is Christian. Non-Christians walk by a different code that is generic and weakly formed; based in secular knowledge, not knowledge given to them by the Holy Spirit and their own walk with God.

  Blessings to all you lovely women. I’m grateful God has given me the opportunity to get to know all of you and help in whatever capacity God has allowed. Love and prayers.

• 111 LT // Apr 23, 2008 at 12:52 pm

  (USA) Thanks Cindy for adding a pointer in your last comment to the spiritual matters section of this site. I’d looked through some of those pages but not all. I’m pasting a passage I found on one of the links that goes to rejoiceministries.com.

  I have to say, ladies, that I thought it was one of the most profound things I’ve ever read. I found it quite timely due to all our current/recent struggles in our marriages. It should be applied not just to our marriages, but to our spiritual comittment (marriage) to Christ, as well. I’m posting it below.

  ———————————-

  A Standers Affirmation
  I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!… I will not give up, give in, give out or give over ’til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words… in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad…so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down ’til the breakdown is torn down!

  I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous… nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God’s real thing, nor will I seek to lower God’s standard, twist God’s will, rewrite God’s word, violate God’s covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

  In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God’s faithfulness.

  I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

  I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up ’til my marriage is healed.

  - Author Unknown

• 112 LYNNE // Apr 23, 2008 at 6:07 pm

  (USA) Hey everybody I know you all are praying because it’s working!!!

  My husband and I talked today again and after this morning he called my phone every hour on the hour all day at work (if not more). Some of the excuses for calling were ridiculous, but I could tell he was just desperate to hear my voice. That kind of made me feel good. His meeting went good, but the facility suggested out-patient treatment. He is going to be going to a Christian support group for men with sex addictions, and I am going to continue seeing the Christian counselor I met with on Tuesday.

  My husband looked me in the face today and told me that he didn’t love me and that he didn’t want to be married anymore. Then after the appointment he called me and proclaimed that his wanting for a divorce was for all of the wrong reasons and those reasons had nothing to do with another woman. Thoughts of giving up and trying with her was the devil playing tricks on his mind. He said that he did love me and he actually WANTS to work on our marriage. However he needs to work on himself first. He’s got a lot of issues in his past with abuse that he never did deal with. He was bounced around in foster care until he was 9 yrs old and a lot of bad things happened to him there.

  GOD truly does work in mysterious ways. I was the one who was feeling so totally hopeless and ready to let go; but as soon as my husband said that he didn’t love me, something in me started to fight. My first thought was that he was a liar, and a coward. GOD took me up with out giving me the chance to say no. He made me do what my heart wanted in spite of all the hurt. After we talked some more, my husband asked for his ring and asked for me to put it back on him. Then he said that this was our new beginning and he put my ring on me. I cried. That was my husband and I was so happy to have him back, he’s been gone for so long. I missed him so much.

  I just can’t seem to get the other woman out of my mind. I know that what he said held some truth to it, but I also know that he said it to hurt me because he was hurting. I just need to get it out of my mind. I’ll pray that I can let that go.

  That’s better! I gave it to HIM. I don’t know what I would have done if I would have faced this alone. I really don’t have anyone far enough away from our situation to talk to. Not parents, friends, or siblings, because I’ve learned that it creates more drama. So you ladies have helped me a lot. Your advice and reservation of advice came from GOD, and your prayers were most important thank you.

  The referral of scripture provided more comfort than I can even explain. I consider you all near to my heart. LOVE YA! LYNNE

• 113 Cindy Wright // Apr 23, 2008 at 7:47 pm

  Hi Lynne, That is GREAT news! YEAH GOD!!!

  But as my husband said, “That is a GREAT beginning.” And he’s right. It’s a beginning. But beginnings sometimes start out as two steps forward and one step back and so on. There can be progress and then setbacks and if we’re patient and we persevere enough, there can be more progress.

  God has definitely done a mighty work here on both of you. And I (and many others) couldn’t be more thrilled. But I sense that this is only the beginning. It’s a beginning of getting you both onto a higher plane of maturity, commitment, and perseverance. You both need to lean into the learning process that He wants to take you through and use to help you to grow. You have a Savior and Lord that want this of you, and a precious baby that needs this of you — to have two mature parents who are willing to work out their issues before you cause more damage.

  It would be good for you and your husband to go through the section of our web site titled “Pornography and Cybersex.” You could both find the articles and testimonies to be helpful. This is an addiction and addictions need the full attention and cooperation of those involved to get beyond the first stages of healing, and then to go into the maintenance stage. In the maintenance stage (and sometimes before) it’s important to put up hedges and barriers to protect your marriage, and accountability partners to help the one who is addicted not to fall again. (We have some great articles in the “Sexual Issues” section of the web site to help with putting up barriers.)

  Lynne, before you wrote this last comment, I was going to urge you not to be hasty in closing your mind to reconciling if your husband eventually agreed to reach out for help with his issues. (He came to his agreement sooner than expected.) I could absolutely understand why you would want to close all doors, but you always want to leave elbow room for God to work His redemptive miracles in talking to your husband’s heart and then starting the process of helping him to work on his issues. God has patience with us and forgives us when we are rebellious and do things that are grievous, and He asks us to have patience and forgive others when they are repentant as well.

  Steve and I both felt that he was probably hooked into the addictive fantasy world of pornography and letting his imagination go beyond that. As a wife, that can be a horrible thing for you to endure. I can attest to that, because my husband Steve was into that many years ago. (That’s why he has an accountability partner and has put other things into place to help himself stay pure at this point.) But it IS something the Lord can help your husband (as He helped mine) to overcome and can help you to open your heart to forgiveness (as He has mine — I speak from experience).

  If you can lean upon the Lord — especially during this time, and strengthen yourself for the battle ahead, as your husband works through these issues, God can eventually cause your husband’s heart to open wider for you all the more as he senses your forgiveness and your support in loving him when he isn’t lovable. I’ve seen this happen quite a few times before in other’s lives as well as in my own marriage. I can’t say that this will definitely be the case with you… but all things are possible when God is put on the throne.

  In the “Links and Resource Description” part of the “Pornography and Cybersex” section, you will find web sites that you can use also, to help you as a wife. There are several posted there for your husband also, to help him, if he will go into them. But you will need to put some kind of guard on your computer so it protects him from giving in to his weaknesses and abusing the computer in the future as he has in the past. All of this will be discussed in the articles and the web sites, and the counseling he will be getting.

  There is A LOT more that I could say at this point, but I feel compelled to just say two more things. Lynne, you are such a sweetheart, in many ways. I sense that in your letters. But you need to work on your anger issues. It’s not that I don’t understand why you would be tempted to throw dishes and erase computer files, etc… But one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. It’s a fruit you need to ask the Lord to help you with. The Bible says that it’s ok to be angry, “but in your anger, do not sin.” Throwing things and being vindictive in your behavior doesn’t show much self-control. Think of the example it will set for your son as he grows up. He needs a mom and dad to show him how to handle anger in mature ways. Now is a good time to start learning how to do that.

  We have a lot of articles and tools on the web site that you can read and use and adapt for helping you. And your counselor, if she is a good one, can help you as well. It would be good for you to work on your issues and for your husband to work on his issues and then for both of you to work on issues together so you can learn how to fight in a more respectful manner.

  I’ve been there and done that with temper issues. Most any of us could relate to losing our tempers in ways that are not mature. So I am not throwing stones at you. I’m just telling you from experience that you can UN-learn some bad habits and ways of approaching things. I’ve had to do that in my own life. The Holy Spirit is a great and “Wonderful Counselor” and can help you, as He has me, with that. Become the Lord’s student in this.

  Paul says in the Bible, in 1 Corinthians 13, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.” But he goes on to say that “When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” I believe the Lord is prompting you to start working on ways that He will reveal to you that are childish and needs to be put behind you. We all have those areas. This is a good time to work on them. I pray you will.

  Also, in your counseling, and in any advice you ever get from human beings (including me), make sure you put the advice up against God’s word. Don’t ever listen to counsel and figure that because it comes from someone “who should know” or someone you respect and care about, that it is sound advice. Even the best counselors around can be wrong sometimes. Pray about it, compare it to scripture, and if you still aren’t sure, ask others who are godly and wise.

  I pray this helps. I also and ESPECIALLY rejoice with you. God is so very good!!!

• 114 Anne // Apr 24, 2008 at 12:30 am

  (CANADA) Hey Lynne I’m so happy for you. God is truly great He definitely lifted you up when you had fallen. I’m glad that your husband realised that he needs help. That’s definitely God’s work. We’ve all prayed for you and we’ll all continue praying. Like Cindy said there are times you’ll both take steps ahead then a step back. Remember, you both have habits to break.

  Pray for patience because as human beings, we are very impatient. You’ll need that and a lot of perseverance. And pray that God may give you a forgiving heart. God turns the IMPOSSIBLE to POSSIBLE. You can read Jeremiah 32:27. I love you girl and you are not alone. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

  On another note. Please pray for me. Nothing bad has happened. I just need prayers that I may continue to have faith in God. Ever since Sunday night, I have this hope for our marriage that is so strong, and I know it’s all God’s doing. I can say that truly God has me where HE wanted in total SUBMISSION TO HIM. It’s such a great feeling.

  I now realise that I had never truly let everything go and I still wanted to fix things myself. I can now think of things that have happened and not want to scream. It’s all God’s doing. I thank and give HIM praise. I just need prayers to stay on the right path and not falter.

  Pray for my husband so that God may open his eyes to clearly see the hurtful things he’s doing, and for God to open his heart so that he may be able to open up and talk about his pain. Pray also for the day that the LORD has chosen for my husband and I to talk that we may have forgiving hearts and words spoken in love. And pray that HE may open the ears to our hearts so that we may both listen to each others needs. Thank you all and love you all.

  Lynne, your story is very encouraging and I know that God is opening doors to my marriage too. God Bless. I’ll keep on praying for you and your husband.

• 115 LYNNE // Apr 24, 2008 at 6:47 am

  (USA) Cindy, As I read what you wrote to me, I cried. You’re so in tune with the Spirit. My husband and I continued talking late last night and as my husband was telling me about my temper. GOD opened my eyes to my anger. Your picking up on that shows me how in tune you are. I know that I have a serious temper. Being brought up, my mother who has a heart of GOLD, always had a serious temper as well. It makes me upset but my husband says I act just like her when I’m mad and it’s true.

  He’s never seen women act like those in my family, and it kind of puts him off. We are very strong willed, independent, stubborn, opinionated women and almost all with hot-tempers. This is hard for him because the women in his family are more reserved, quiet, laid back, and traditional. It’s hard because we come from different cultures. He was adopted by a wonderful Christian family with more conservative views that were of Dutch descent. I’m Native American and some French, but mostly Native, and my family, while still Christian, are more liberal. So we are still adapting to each other.

  While this is no excuse for my anger. I understand that my anger is my own and my temper was learned. So Cindy, you’re right. This is going to be a time of learning and unlearning.

  I’ve been though the cybersex and pornography section of this site and it’s been a blessing for me. My husband on the other hand isn’t motivated to use these types of resources. I am really praying that this group is more up his alley because he has a hard time relating to the literature. Maybe it’s too general for his situation so hopefully he’ll meet someone there with a testimony that’s easier for him to relate to. Please pray for that?

  I cannot thank you and Steve enough. Hopefully I can get my husband on here with me sometime. I will definitely be taking advice as it comes and I’ll have to compare it to scripture a little more. That is great advice. Thank you! I’ll also be working on my anger issues and praying about it. Could you all ladies pray for me concerning my anger too? I really appreciate it more than you know.

  How is every one else doing? Anne, is everything still going well with you? With every thing going so terrible in my life lately I’ve been distracted and unfocused in my prayers. What you said about letting go has really helped me. LT, A Standers Affirmation was just what I needed to hear and say. Thank you. Amber, MB, Sue, and all of you ladies. I really do mean it when I say that you all are a blessing. Love Ya, LYNNE

• 116 Anne // Apr 24, 2008 at 4:50 pm

  (CANADA) Hey Lynne, thanks a lot for your concern. I’m happy that you guys talked last night. I long for the day that my husband and I will have a chance to talk. Well, I’ve been doing ok and have been peaceful. Today I saw the phone bill, and of course my husband still talks to the other woman for sometimes about an hour. Not so much, but the communication is still there. I really cried and asked God to intervene because no matter what I tell my husband, he isn’t listening.

  I’ve accepted that only God can and will open my husbands eyes and his heart. I cried to God and I prayed for the other woman and cried for her. I praise God because I would not have done this earlier. Just pray for me to continue trusting God and having faith in HIM. I need a lot of strength to go on. Please pray for my husband. He needs God’s guidance and for God to open his eyes.

  I just asked my husband if we can talk and he said no. I guess today is not the day. Please pray girls. I need you all so that I may be able to be to go through this. I will not talk to him about the bill. We have an appointment next week with the pastor so we’ll talk about it then. I know I need to set boundaries. I’m praying for that and for the right time and day to speak to my husband. Now I know he would not even listen to me. I need God’s mercy. Thanks all for your prayers. I’m still praying for you Lynne, that God may help you deal with your temper. HE’LL make a way for all of us. Love you all.

• 117 Anne // Apr 24, 2008 at 11:13 pm

  (CANADA) Hey ladies, I need prayer. After seeing those cell phone bills, I just prayed to God to help me out. I don’t know what happened because my husband just told me that today, that I was talking to him badly. I didn’t notice, but for sure I know I didn’t feel like talking to him and I did separate myself from him. He asked me what was wrong and all I was told him was, “I’m tired and fed up with things and I don’t know what to do.” He just stormed out of the room upset.

  I thought about the way I spoke to him and thought that maybe in the mood of not talking to him, I may have not been speaking with kindness. I did write him a text message to apologize. He didn’t reply, but I didn’t expect him to. I didn’t talk about the bill because I felt it would lead to an argument and I really needed to pray for God’s guidance on the things I’d say to him. I’d prefer to wait till our next meeting with our pastor next week.

  I just need to learn how to express myself. I know that’s something I need to ask God for help. I’ve reached a point where I’m wondering what to do, and for how long this will go on. I’ve been so peaceful this week, and it’s like, what happened??? Pray for me and for Steve. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up in exactly 2 weeks and I think that’s why I’m feeling this way. There’s nothing more I’d love, than to start our 3rd year with some positiveness — with us working hard and together to better our marriage.

  God is able and I know that he’ll see us through this. He always has great timing. Love you all. Thanks Cindy for the books you suggested. I bought SACRED INFLUENCE. I just started reading it this evening and so far it’s great. Thanks a lot to both you and Steve. God has really blessed the two of you.

• 118 Anne // Apr 25, 2008 at 7:40 am

  (CANADA) Hey ladies it’s me again. Last night I cried a lot to God asking Him to help me and my husband, because honestly this pain is too much. I then asked Him if there was something I’m missing that He’s trying to tell me, but I’m not listening to Him. I was reading the book SACRED INFLUENCE and there’s a chapter on how women should be bold and stand up for themselves and not to fear because God is with us. That got me thinking. I’m not one to stand up for myself generally, because I grew up in a home where children were supposed to listen and not be heard so I learned how to keep things to myself. That made me believe that I’m not good in expressing myself because even sometimes when I say something to my husband and he gets upset I end up apologizing and I always wonder, “why do I have to apologize for expressing myself?”

  Up to this day I still believe I don’t know to express my feelings so I keep quiet because I feel, “what’s the point?” I know my husband gets frustrated when he can clearly see thats something is wrong and I say nothing. I know that’s something that I have to change. It’s not gonna happen overnight. but I’ll pray about it. Something that I read in that book, that made me cry, was that God may be using this challenge as a vehicle for me to become the strong woman that He created me to be.

  I want to be bold and stand up and tell my husband how his friendship with this woman is affecting and hurting me. I need to know, is this what God wants me to do? Is this the answer to my question? Please pray for me. I need to learn how to go about this, keeping in mind that God is and will be with me during that step. Pray that I get the courage and the strength to be BOLD and not just in my marriage, but in every other aspect of my life.

  Thanks a lot ladies. I love you all for your support. Lynne how are things going for you??

• 119 LYNNE // Apr 25, 2008 at 8:04 am

  (USA) Anne, Thank you so much for your prayer. I cannot tell you how much it means. Anne, Have you read the Emotionally Distant Spouse? You should read that. Your Steve is not going to want to talk about this because then he’ll have to deal with his feelings. Instead of asking him if it’s time to talk, ask him if a certain date and time would work to talk. That way you both can be prepared and neither of you will feel like you were put off or surprised. Also maybe ask him what his reason is for putting off this talk. Is it really because he isn’t ready or is it because he doesn’t want to?

  With everything we’re going through right now, I’ve learned that talking is a part of changing. If he doesn’t want to talk then he doesn’t want to change. If he doesn’t want to change, he’s not trying to save his marriage. Pray that the LORD gives him the WANT to change. When My husband and I spoke, I asked him if we could, ahead of time (sort of like scheduling it).

  I’ll keep praying for you Anne, and I’ll pray that GOD gives Steve the WANT to change. Love ya.

• 120 Cindy Wright // Apr 25, 2008 at 8:32 am

  Dear Anne, I’m so glad that you’re reaching out to the Lord, petitioning Him to help you to put your marriage together in a way that is positive and healthy. It’s great that you’re asking for prayer for that. But you also need to listen before and after praying. Sometimes we monologue so much in our prayers, but we forget to listen. And prayer is actually a dialogue back and forth to our Heavenly Father. We pray and petition God, through our Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit talks to us through many different ways. As we grow in relationship with Him, we learn how to listen and to follow His leading. It takes a quietness of heart and a leaning towards being open to learning.

  Sometimes when He speaks to us (within our spirit, or through other things and people He uses to help us), what He tells us will sting a bit (and sometimes a lot). But it’s for our own good, and for the good of others around us. Other times He draws us in and comforts and ministers in a softer way.

  Right now, I believe the Lord is trying to get your attention through your husband. God uses many people and circumstances (sometimes painful and “unfair” ones even) to “wake” us up to pay attention to something He wants to do in our lives. As Oswald Chambers said, “God has frequently to knock the bottom board out of your experience if you are a saint in order to get you into contact with Himself.” I believe God is doing that right now with you. I believe He is using your husband, and very painful circumstances, to help you to see that you need to DO something about your temper, and the way that you relate to those you say you love. Love is more than feeling it in the heart, it’s demonstrating it in our words and actions.

  You say in your letter that last night you “may not have been speaking with kindness” to your husband after you thought about the cell phone bills. And then you ask, “what happened???”

  Anne, your intentions may be right — to try to get your husband to stop making calls that he shouldn’t be making. But the way in which you are doing it is damaging. You may not have INTENDED to cause additional damage to your relationship by the way in which you expressed yourself, but the end result is that you obviously did. I’m not trying to justify your husband’s actions — not at all! This issue needs to be addressed. But the approaches that you’ve been making are not working at all! They’re only making matters worse.

  Right now your marriage is wounded. It could die, if both of you don’t do your parts in healing it. It’s like you have this big open wound within your relationship. The way to heal it, isn’t to take a knife and cut it open some more, in a half-hazard way. Even if you never meant for your anger to get out of control in such a way that it cut the wound up wider, saying “sorry” doesn’t take back the additional cutting. Good intentions are great. But they have to be followed by actions that are good.

  And closing up and saying that “nothing” is wrong, when something is, also adds to the problem. Because then the anger is stored up inside so eventually it’s like the dam breaks open and everything (both good and bad) spills out in a raging way. I’m so glad the Lord is showing you this through the book you are reading.

  I believe that God is trying to wake up, both you and your husband, to do what it takes to heal this marriage. You expressed in an earlier letter that your husband is getting help for his addictive behavior. And that’s great! But while he’s doing that, you will need to work on your end to let the counselors do their part without complicating matters worse (by using cutting words or actions). Not giving into storing up your anger (but talking to those who are healthy who will listen) and then giving into the impulse to spill out your anger over the cell phone matters would have been good. It would have been best to leave that matter alone and then wait to talk to your pastor about that and decide together on how to handle it, with a mediator to help you.

  The last thing I want to do is make you feel worse. I hope you know that. You have a lot on your “plate” right now that is hurting you already. But I don’t want you to hurt even worse in the future by what you are doing right now. And right now, you really need help with your anger issues.

  I’m so glad you’re reading the book, Sacred Influence. It can help you to see how sacred our relationship is within our marriage and with our Lord in how we express ourselves and how we live out our lives. But I also recommend that you read another book. It’s titled “Mad About Us.” You can see an excerpt from this book in Marriage Message #352 - Before Conflict Arises. We also have some quotes and other things you should read in the “Communication and Conflict” section of our web site because they could help you to work on your impulse control and help you to put into place some productive ways to express your anger and concerns.

  I know this is a lot to take in. But I believe the Lord is prompting (and pushing) you to become a student of what it takes to make marriage healthy. From what you’ve said in a past letter, you’ve learned some destructive ways to express your anger. Now is the time to UN-learn those ways and learn how to do it right. I’ve had to do this in my own life. And I’m still a student. But I’m un-learning what is harmful, and I’m learning anew how to do this right. The Holy Spirit is a faithful teacher as I ask, and then listen, and then do what He prompts me to do. And the same is for you. How very much I want that for you!!! I know that you and those around you (especially your son as he grows up observing you), will benefit from what the Lord can teach you in this.

  I want to leave you with another quote from Oswald Chambers, from the book, “My Utmost For His Highest.” I believe the Lord is using very painful circumstances in your life to help you to grow in right relationship with Him and with your husband, and this quote might help to explain a part of how He is doing that.

  He writes that our calling, as His children, is to be “made into broken bread and poured out wine. God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with. If God would only use His own fingers, and make me broken bread and poured-out wine in a special way! But when He uses someone whom we dislike, or some set of circumstances to which we said we would never submit, and makes those the crushers, we object. We must never choose the scene of our own martyrdom. If ever we are going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed; you cannot drink grapes. Grapes become wine only when they have been squeezed. I wonder what kind of finger and thumb God has been using to squeeze you?”

  “…We have to be adjusted into God before we can be broken bread in His hands. Keep right with God and let Him do what He likes, and you will find that He is producing the kind of bread and wine that will benefit His other children as well.”

  What I’ve found is that it’s one thing to SAY we are children of God and that we have a personal relationship with the Living God, and that we pray, and it’s another to actually live in right relationship with Him and listen and obey, as well as speak to Him.

  There’s a song I like that is sung by Wayne Watson called “I’m Growing.” It’s really helped me through the times when God has had to “knock out the bottom boards” of my life, and times he’s used “others I’ve objected to” in order to do that. The chorus says, “I’m growing but I don’t like it. I’m growing, and it hurts. I love you, but I’m tired. I guess I’ve got a lot to learn. I guess I’ve got a lot to learn.” And that’s sure been true for me. It sure IS true of me. I’m growing… but it hurts.

  The painful times have been the growing times. But in the end, God has shown me that because of those growing times in which I have yielded, He is able to shine through me without interruption in a way that not only helps me, but others, and most importantly, His Kingdom work! I can’t praise Him enough for it.

  I pray for you and for your husband and your son. You’ve received some great advice and support from Lynne and LT and Amber, and MB and others. We’re all standing behind you, believing God for outstanding miracles and growth in your life and marriage. I love how you are reaching out to others on this web site as well. God has allowed this web site to be a platform for an International community of people, who reach out for help, care for one another, share together, and love each other because of the love of God. We praise God for that!

  Please know that all of us love you and are praying for you, in community with the Lord. “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)

• 121 Anne // Apr 25, 2008 at 12:51 pm

  (CANADA) Hey thanks a lot Lynne and Cindy. Lynne, I’ll try doing what you suggested and set a day and time that we can talk with my husband. When he came home he did apologize for saying no to the talking. He just said he’d had a bad at work and just wanted to rest.

  I have read the emotional distant spouse and I’m trying to understand how to deal with the issue. I think for me what is bothering me is that the only time we talk about the marriage is when we are at the Pastor’s house and after that that’s it. I feel that this isn’t helping us at all.

  Cindy I do agree with you that I need to listen more to God coz I do know that He is speaking to me, and there are days when I’m too engrossed in my problem, that I don’t hear Him. When the day comes for us to talk, I’ll give my husband the chance to open up and for me to listen. He has so much stuff bottled up. I did let it go though, and I’ve asked God to intervene. I know I need to change some habits. Satan is really trying to get to me. I can tell by the way I’m feeling and the thoughts that I’m having. But I have refused to go back to where I was.

  On a positive note, I do thank God that my resentment and bitterness is gone. I never thought that day would get here. It has taken a lot of prayer, but what did it was when I let everything go, and asked God to fight for me. I’m doing my best to be loving to my husband and remember the things that I loved about him. it’s hard to do when he’s so distant and arrogant. I’m reminding myself that it’s just a front to hide his emotions. Pray for me so that I may be able to truly hear what God is saying and the wisdom to know how to deal with issues. Love you all.

• 122 LYNNE // Apr 28, 2008 at 7:18 am

  (USA) Anne, I am so glad to hear that you are getting to where you need to be with discernment. I will pray that you can listen to what GOD is saying. Please pray that I am able to do the same. I’ve been trying to face a lot of problems by myself again and reluctantly I am realizing that now. So you’re not alone in needing prayers in that department.

  You’ve kind of been an inspiration to me. I hear all that you’ve gone through and it comforts me. You’re an awesome reminder that it’s possible to get through hurt and grow with GOD in the process. Sometimes we all need that reminder especially when hurt can sometimes shut doors and open a window for the devil. Keep doing what you’re doing and if you have any advice along the way don’t hesitate to share. I am in the boat with you.

  Cindy what you wrote to Anne really hit home for me too. Thank you very much.

  Ladies, I also have a question if any of you have some advice. I went through the sexual issues links on this site and wasn’t able to find anything really helpful. My husband has been wanting the past few days. I surrendered to his wants in the effort to do what I thought was right. However, I didn’t feel very connected and it honestly felt like sex vs. making love. There really wasn’t any intimacy but it seemed as if he was trying.

  Then last night it happened again but this time it didn’t seem as if he tried at all. He was just in it to make himself feel good. I told him how I felt and he apologized but I am still having a hard time with this. I don’t feel connected with him intimately. How do I get that intimacy back? He’s been great lately about making sure I know that he loves me, which has been a blessing. Knowing he loves me has helped fight off a lot of doubts and the devil praying on my insecurities, but that love is just not showing though in the bed room. Are there any suggestions? Spicing it up is not the problem, Sometimes I think it’s too spicy now. I just feel like an object and like… like a wife. Thanks Love, LYNNE

• 123 Anne // Apr 28, 2008 at 9:59 am

  (CANADA) Hey Lynne, nice to hear from you. I’m doing ok considering. I’m glad that I can help you Lynne. Cindy, I honestly can’t thank you enough for suggesting I read the book Sacred Influence. I remember when I bought it I prayed for it. I prayed that I would get the answers I was seeking the last few months. Every page has an answer to a question I have asked God. It’s amazing how God speaks to us. So thank you so much.

  I started journaling last week Thursday and I promised myself that in the midst of my storm I’ll find 5 things that I’m grateful for. I tell you that has helped a lot. Last night I had 9 things. Who would have thought? And some of it was what my husband had done. I’ve learned to thank God for this storm. Because of His love He wants me to be the woman He created me to be and to be the wife He created me to be.

  The best thing I did (which was in the book) was to pray and thank GOD for my husband’s strengths and to pray for my weaknesses. I realised I was asking God to change me but I was always praying for my husband’s weaknesses and not his strengths. Lynne, I will tell you this has helped, because despite what he’s doing I remember the reasons why I fell in love with him. It also helps me to remember that he is human and he’s not perfect and God loves him unconditionally too.

  Granted I’m still hurting because of the continual friendship with this other woman, but thanking God for the positive things that happen around me, is encouraging. I know that God will open my husbands eyes. We are going to talk on Tuesday so please pray for me and my husband. Pray that I will listen to him and understand his pain and what he’s feeling and there’ll be honesty and no angry words exchanged. Pray for me too, that I’ll be able to be bold enough to express how I feel about his "friendship" without using harsh words but with words of love and affirmation. I’ll see and pray if this is the best day to talk about it or when we are with the pastor. Please pray for our meeting with the pastor on Wednesday. Any advice for this let me know. Thank you all so much for your support and prayers.

  My husband moved back to the room. I was gonna talk to him on Tuesday about it but on Saturday night I remember I prayed for it and asked God to close the gap that’s between my husband and I so that satan may not use that to his advantage. I tell you God is truly faithful coz my husband slept beside me the last 2 nights.

  Lynne, I don’t know what’s the best advice I can give you. I can understand that you may not feel like being physically intimate with your husband considering the emotional disconnection that has gone on between you and your husband. All I can suggest is to be open with your husband and tell him how you feel. Please pray about it Lynne, because honestly, you don’t want to give satan any foothold in your marriage. Any open window that the enemy sees he goes in with full armor to destroy. Remember he came close to ending your marriage, but because of all your prayers and trusting in God, God came down and saved your marriage.

  The enemy will try to get back what he thought was already his victory by destroying your intimacy with your husband. Remember that your hubby had the pornography addiction. Satan will tell him lies to get him back to that with the lie that, because there’s no intimacy in the marriage, he is justified to watch all that stuff (no way is it your fault that pornography entered you marriage).

  Be thankful to God that your husband is trying to make up for his mistakes and that he loves you. Nobody said that getting back on track would be easy. It’s hard work and both of you must be willing to work at it and realise that the other person is trying to make the marriage better, and whatever little thing either of you does, both of you need to show you appreciate it. Both of you need to pray for your marriage. Have you tried praying together? I know my husband and I haven’t done that but I would like to start because that’s one way to bring you closer together. And you’ll be fighting the enemy of together. Read 1st CORINTHIANS 7:3-6 and pray that God may open the door for you and your husband. I’ll be praying for you gal. Loads of love. I truly have a friend in you. Remember you are not alone. Jesus is beside you and He’s walking with you. Just have faith.

• 124 LYNNE // Apr 28, 2008 at 10:19 am

  (USA) Only by learning to press on in her relationship with the Lord, will a woman be able to handle her own pain, which will merely compound the marital stress if it’s allowed to churn out into negative words and reactions. The path to helping her husband and, therefore, ultimately helping herself, starts with her own walk with the Lord. (When Men fail to lead)

• 125 Nicole // Apr 28, 2008 at 1:46 pm

  (UNITED STATES) Hello everybody, I have been visiting this site for a couple of months now and I find it very uplifting and inspirational. I applaud every last visitor of this site who is dedicated to Christ and your relationships. I was preparing myself for marriage and I found a lot of helpful information on here before I was hit with the worst news of my life!!

  I have been in a relationship for 6 years now, I have been engaged for 2 months and I have a 4 year old daughter. I acknowledge Christ and I know that I have not lived my life according to his will but everyday I am making efforts to strengthen my relationship with Christ.

  My world began to tumble down about 2 months ago. I learned that my ex fiancé was cheating. I immediately forgave him and then began reading together and studying God’s word and we even attended 2 sessions of pre-martial counseling. We focused on each other and what has gone wrong between us. I was devastated but I put my faith in God in I really believed that this was my future husband and we could get pass this.

  On my weak days, I continued to pray and I asked God to give me a clear sign whether my ex fiancé was the man God made for me; in about 1 week God give me my sign.

  I continued to question my ex fiancé’s actions and I learned that he had not ended this relationship with the other young lady and he also had been dating another young woman for two years and she just had a 2 month old baby. He also had a few female friends that he talked to on the phone occasionally.

  I was crushed….I haven’t even gotten over the first ordeal and then I was hit with this. He denies being the father of this child and a paternity test will take place soon, but as much as I am hurting I still feel like he needs me and my strength to get through this. He doesn’t deserve me and God has really strengthened me throughout this process. But I still have a lot of love for this man and I was really looking forward to day when we would become a family. I am seeking advice because my mind is fed up and tells me NO!! but my heart just wants to be there for him and tries to save us. What good is it to pray for something from God and then when he shows you something you ignore it?

  I’m so confused…. my ex fiancé seems like he is really focusing on God to bring him through this situation. He has apologized to me and expressed deep remorse and sorrow. I’m just lost right now and I don’t know what to do please give me some advice and please keep me in your prayers.

• 126 LYNNE // Apr 30, 2008 at 11:00 am

  (USA) ANNE, How did your talk with Steve go last night? Did you guys make any headway? I prayed last night that you did. Let me know. And what you said did give me comfort. I’ve prayed about the intimacy issue and I feel better, as well as my husband and I talked about it. He apologized for making me feel bad. He hasn’t tried anything since, I think he’s giving me time. Which oddly enough I think is GOD intervening. Love ya. Hope yesterday went good.

  Nicole, Hey girl, nice of you to join us. Welcome. I read your comment a few days ago when I was on the go but honestly I kind of didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t respond right away. On this website there are some great articles about, is he/she the one, red flags, etc. I guess you have to ask yourself if you’re ready to enter into a holy covenant with this man. Forgiveness is the 2nd most powerful thing we have from GOD, and love is the first. However, GOD will tell you what to do if you listen. Spend your time getting closer to GOD right now and pray for your ex.

  If your ex is trying to get closer to GOD then support that, but don’t forget about yourself. While he’s getting closer to GOD you should too, and if that leads to your being a family then that’s great. But don’t allow that to be your motivation, or his. GOD needs to come first or you’ll never be happy. God needs to be the reason, and the good things that follow (like your having a family with this man) is an awesome side affect. GOD comes first; happiness follows.

  Allow him time to work on himself, and take that time to work on yourself, and your individual relationships with GOD. After fixing your relationship with GOD then you both can focus on fixing your relationship with each other in a way that honors GOD. GOD is the strongest foundation to build any marriage on. When you stray away from GOD, that’s when the enemy comes to play.

  I am here if you ever need anything and I check periodically. Love ya, LYNNE

• 127 LT // Apr 30, 2008 at 6:00 pm

  (USA) Hi Lynne, In reading your last post about the intimacy issue, what came to mind for me was this: I think it’s a great step forward for your husband to be coming to you especially after an attachment to another woman. AND you said he had some problems with porn, too, if I recall correctly? If so, then it’s a step forward for him to be approaching you. It may be awkward now but I imagine, over time, it will get better and more at ease.

  If you feel like God is intervening and giving you a break, then it sounds like you’re already hearing/seeing the messages God is sending you. But I did want to add that. I think anyone who is coming off of an inappropriate relationship with another woman and/or a porn addiction (if that was the case), is showing great strides in trying to reconnect physically with his wife.

  I must admit, because of my husband’s anger issue, which he has been going to God with, and God has been helping him with, I can’t say that sex has ever been really emotionally connected for me. It was never violent, but there were times when a conversation would crop up that would make him angry and that might inhibit things. But living with an angry person is, in general, an inhibitor to emotional fulfillment and connection.

  I longed for the day I’d see that in my marriage (in ALL parts of it). I can’t say it’s here yet, for me, on a daily basis but I’ve seen glimpses. And even if it never happens, I know that’s why God has blessed me with my son and future children. I can at least establish an emotional bond with them and vice versa. Anyone who does not yet have peace (from the Lord) in their own heart will not be able to give that out to the people in their lives. So that is something to consider, too, about your husband.

  Most of us can look at other Christians around us and tell who has true peace and who is just sort of faking it, or goes in and out of it. I know that because I remember what it used to be like when I’d "toil." It was a lack of peace. I don’t do that anymore. And that is not only peaceful, but a wonderful way to live life and face trials (big and small).

  I love this verse: Matt. 6:28 (through 34). Christ says the lilies of the field do not "toil" (in terms of worrying) and neither should we. Here he is talking about worrying about where we’ll live, or whether we’ll have food and clothes. But I take a broader interpretation to mean we really shouldn’t worry about anything. And once you can get to that point, it’s such a great place to be mentally and emotionally.

  I don’t know if I’ll ever have emotional fulfillment in my marriage, with my spouse, or if you’ll ever have that with your spouse in your sexual life. But the one thing that gives me hope is that whatever is lacking in my life, Christ can fill me up. Whatever emotional intimacy or connection I lack with my physical husband, I look to my spiritual husband (Christ) to fill that void for me.

  Love and prayers, LT

• 128 Anne // May 1, 2008 at 12:10 am

  (CANADA) Hey Lynne, thanks a lot for your prayers but we didn’t talk… I know, we ended up having guests, my-in-laws. And by the time they left, my husband was ready to go to bed. I wasn’t able to write because I was so tired. I’m glad though, that we didn’t go. What happened was, on Monday night we talked a bit. I did tell him how I felt about his friendship with this woman. He told me that she left their company. Some thing he told me was very hurtful too. He did it out of spite. I was just shocked, but I didn’t hide how I felt.

  He’s being very arrogant about this topic. We didn’t argue or anything but it just hurt to talk about it and not get an apology from him for hurting me. I cried to God to intervene. I left it all to God because I already told my husband how i feel. On Tuesday I was still hurting and my heart had hardened. I didn’t feel like talking and I didn’t want to cancel it. I prayed and asked God if I was really ready to talk. I’m glad that it didn’t happen.

  One good thing that happened was that he has seen how hard I’ve been trying to work on our marriage and make some changes. He told me that made it easy for him to want to put 100% to the marriage. That’s all because of God, because of all the things He has shown me. I know it won’t be easy considering the fact that I don’t trust him and I don’t see anything that shows he will try to built the trust (maybe he will and he just hasn’t started). But God will help me and He’ll open a way.

  I feel better today because God is really showing me what I need to do for my marriage. And that’s to love my husband and show him respect even when it’s so hard to do that. And he’s showing me to communicate to him and with him. We went to our pastor’s today and it went well. We are getting along with my husband and I do have a good feeling about it all. We are going away on the 16th for the weekend and I’ve been praying for that day.

  I’m still praying for the day that we’ll talk. I know God is working in our marriage I know there are tough challenges ahead as we try to understand each other but this is where I put all my trust in God to guide me and us through this and help us to work together as a team. Continue praying for the day that we shall be able to talk.

  Lynne, I’m glad I helped you a bit. Just listen to what God is telling you. Things will get better. The plan He has for you is greater than anything you could ever imagine. Pray for me to continue listening to God and to open my eyes to see what He’s showing me. Love you gal, and thank you so much for everything.

• 129 LYNNE // May 1, 2008 at 5:39 am

  (USA) LT & Anne, You guys are right. It’s time for me to stop worrying. I am sorry Anne, that you didn’t get the opportunity to talk like you’d wanted. But I am happy that you got the opportunity NOT to talk if your heart wasn’t in it. Whatever your husband said to you that was so hurtful, let it be overshadowed by the fact that he said the other woman is no longer going to be working with him. That’s GOD working in all three of your lives. Now he and she are no longer going to see each other everyday, that’s a great start. GOD’s working here. What your husband said was just the devil being desperate to keep you focused on the negative instead of hearing the positive. I will definitely keep praying for you all.

  LT, What I just said to Anne was exactly what the devil was doing to me, and you made me realize that. I am focusing on the lack of intimacy vs. the fact that he actually wanted to be with me. Which is also a very great start. I almost let negative feelings overshadow the positive. Thank you for helping me realize that.

  Yesterday we spent a lot of time in passing just talking, and it was awesome. I realized that he really does love me and he’s making such an effort. And for some reason I am being just plain mean. Please pray that I can watch my temper and acknowledge how hard he’s trying. Love ya, Lynne

• 130 Nicole // May 1, 2008 at 7:19 am

  (UNITED STATES) Hey Lynn, Thank you for your time and advice. Everything you said is very true and I know now that I must start putting MY life back together with the help of Christ because I can’t do it alone. He is my strength, comforter, and friend.

  I have really been trying to strengthen my relationship with God. This whole ordeal made me realize that God was 3rd or 4th in my life and that was NEVER acceptable. My fiancé and daughter were 1st, followed by my family and friends, and then my job. I didn’t become aware of this until the enemy began to take over my life.

  I can honestly say that things are getting better. I can sleep now, I am not angry, and I have peace. God is bringing me through this. I am going to church more often, I pray 2 and 3 times a day, and I fast. God is going to give me my breakthrough. I don’t know what the future holds for me and my ex-fiancé, but I just ask that God shows me what he wants me to do, and I pray that my ex fiancé seeks God to help tackle his devilish ways.

  I am currently reading “The Power of a Praying Woman”…..WOW this book is teaching me so much. I am learning how to talk to God and how to pray to God. Everything I am going through right now in my life is discussed in this book. My focus now is to build a relationship with God and to teach my child about our wonderful Savior.

  I don’t know what the future holds for me but if it is God’s will, I hope I will live a happy and honest life with the person God has for me! ( of course I pray that it is with my ex-fiancé but if it isn’t I pray that I will be strong enough to accept that).

  May God bring many blessing into your life Lynn…..thanks.

• 131 Anne // May 1, 2008 at 10:06 am

  (CANADA) Hey Lynne, thanks a lot for your message. You know I hadn’t thought that what my husband said was the devil trying to get things going in the wrong direction. It’s a good thing I ran to God. I can actually see how the enemy is trying to destroy what God is trying to rebuild. I’m learning things that I never thought about, on how to be submissive to my husband. It’s truly a journey of learning what God wants from me as His daughter and a wife.

  I can’t read His word and not practice what He expects. I know the blessings will come from Him. I know that my husband and I will talk on the day that God has chosen. I know God is working on this marriage. I can feel it. I just can’t wait to see all the blessings He has in store for us.

  I’m so happy for you Lynne that your husband is trying. I’ll pray for you gal that you’ll be able to deal with your temper. One thing I ask for, is for God to give me fresh new eyes so that I may view my husband as He does. Love ya gal.

  There’s a good book by Stormie Ormatian -PRAYING THROUGH THE DEEPER ISSUES OF MARRIAGE. It’s a nice book that covers a lot. If you can get it that would be good.

  Nicole, I’m glad God is working wonders on you. Keep on praying God has all the answers. I will pray for you.

• 132 Nicole // May 1, 2008 at 2:05 pm

  (UNITED STATES) Thank you for your encouraging words Anne. I will pray for you and your family as well! Lynne, I apologize for the misspelling of your name. May God continue to shine on your life! Nicole

• 133 Amber // May 2, 2008 at 7:16 am

  (USA) Good Morning Ladies, I am writing to ask for your prayers for me today. As I have said before, now and then I tend to have my weak days and I am not sure why they occur, but it just happens. As I have also previously stated, I feel as though my husband and I have been on a great path minus the affection I am missing. He will let me hug him, or kiss him on the cheek, but that is all.

  Last night I decided to ask him for a real kiss goodnight and he wouldn’t budge. He only responded to leave him alone before he got angry. I am not even sure what made me try, I just felt like I wanted to and I thought maybe he would reciprocate for once. And I am not sure why he responded so harshly either. We have been getting along great. So needless to say, I went to bed hurt and I am having one of those weak days where I feel like I long to have someone hold me and kiss me so badly that I just can’t take another day!

  I also have feelings that I don’t have to put up with this. I could leave and teach him a lesson showing him that I can easily find someone that is willing to care for me. I do know that this is the devil trying to enter my head, so please just pray for these feelings to leave me and tell me what I should be praying for! Do I pray for myself to be strong and hold on no matter what? Do I pray for his affections? I normally pray for everything but I want to be praying for the correct things!! Well ladies thanks for reading, I just felt the need to write today and vent because I am just hurting today. I look forward to your prayers and suggestions. Much Love!! Amber

• 134 Andrea // May 2, 2008 at 10:29 am

  (UNITED STATES) Hello Everyone, I am writing this message as I sit and listen to Yolanda Adams "Open My Heart". Where do I begin? My husband and I have been separated for a month now, and there are no signs of reconciliation. We actually do not even speak. For the first two weeks after he left I called every night and left a prayer on his voice mail. I signed us up for virtual counseling with e-marriage, (he didn’t participate) and I prayed for us almost every waking moment, but to no avail. At the end of the two weeks I went to see him and he said he had not had a change of heart and in fact he had filled out papers for an annulment….Did I mention we have only been married 5 months and we only had our ceremony two months ago. Hence we had only been living together for a month before he left.

  Unfortunately, this is not the first time this has happened to us. We were engaged a year ago and moved in together. After three months, he left me in an empty apartment and with an expensive lease. (He’d bought the new furniture and other things that were gifted to us by his parents, so he felt obliged to take it all when he left. My son and I were left with only a patio table.) This happened last summer. Throughout that entire summer, I prayed for him and our relationship. Tragedy brought us back together. One late August night he showed up, with his mother, to tell me he was diagnosed with a Chronic Illness. He did not ask for my sympathy and at times he even rejected it. But slowly we got closer and closer and four months later eloped.

  I’m not sure if that’s where we went wrong, because we did not get pre-marital counseling, or what. But it went downhill from there. After our marriage his mother had a discussion with him and basically told him that I used insider information to elope with him. Before we eloped she called me and told me she was upset with him because he seemed to be getting defiant with her. He did not want to help with the family business and taking his sisters to and from school. He also expressed his frustrations with me. I choose not to share this conversation with either of them. I felt that they came to me in confidence and it was not my place to repeat any of the conversation to anyone.

  Well, she eventually told him about the conversation (after our wedding) and I suppose they both realized that they had both talked to me. I’m not sure how this came about but the conclusion was, he was mad at her when he asked me to elope with him. She then told him that I should have realized that he was just mad at her when he asked me to elope with him. As I am the eldest of us (he is 23 I am 28). I really did not realize this. I sincerely thought he wanted to marry me, while I was hesitant about eloping, it was not for that reason…

  As I said, this comes out a week after our official wedding. She also tells him how offended she is that I did not call her after the wedding to thank her or see how she was doing. To convey this, my husband does not speak to me for an entire week after our wedding and I cant figure out why. Finally we get into a heated argument and he blurts out.."you can’t even call and check on anyone and thank them for the wedding considering they paid for part of the wedding and you haven’t even scheduled a repayment". I was so stunned when he said this. Prior to our wedding I’d spoken with his mother and we had made an arrangement for repayment. I understand that it was inconsiderate of me not to call after the wedding, but I truly was swamped with work. I could not take off work after the wedding and I was just overwhelmed with adjusting. In my mind I felt like it’d only been a week, I had messaged her, but no actual conversation…

  I’m not sure why I am even writing all of this…I just don’t know what to do and I am all alone. No one in his family will talk to me and he won’t either. I just don’t know what God wants me to do. Did I make the wrong choice this summer? I prayed and prayed to God. I told God how much I loved “T”, that it was unconditional, and I could be a good wife. I felt as if his diagnosis was a test of what I’d pledged to God. But was it the devil? Did he win?

  I am now headed for divorce because of what? I am really losing my mind sitting her in limbo. Do I just sit here and wait for him to send me paperwork? It’s getting hard for me to function. I am trying to do the right thing… I don’t want to be bitter but when is enough enough? I prayed for strength in my marriage, for the strength to keep my vows, and I know that God doesn’t give you exactly what you ask for, rather he gives you the opportunity to get what you asked for, but this?

  Every chance I get to be alone, I am crying and praying, and it’s effecting me physically and mentally. I’m trying my hardest not to let it get to me spiritually, because that’s all I have (and my son). I know getting a divorce won’t make this pain go away, but its really hard to just be….

• 135 Anne // May 2, 2008 at 11:22 am

  (CANADA) Hey Amber, I’ve wondered how you’ve been doing. I’m sorry that you had a bad night and that you’re hurting. We all get weak days and trust me I’ve had my share. To answer your question, YES, it’s the devil defiantly telling you to leave your husband. The enemy can see that you are praying a lot and the two of you are getting along so he wants to break that and coz there’s a window open he’s getting in.

  Leaving your hubby and getting another man is not God’s plan for you. God just wants you to draw closer to Him and trust him to work on you and your husband. I know it’s not easy to feel lonely and lack affection. I’ve been there. I don’t know whether your husband used to be affectionate before, but pray for him and pray for yourself too for God to show you how to appreciate your husband and how to do it. This goes both ways.

  Amber, talk to your husband about how you feel and also ask him what he needs from you as a wife. If you’re both open and honest with each other you’ll both know how to work on it. After that, pray that God will guide both of you as you re-learn each other. God will never leave you nor forsake you. I’ll suggest you read SACRED INFLUENCE. Cindy referred it to me for me. It has helped a lot and I hope it will help you too. I’ll pray for you and your husband. Love ya gal.

  I need some advice. Have any of you ever felt as though you love your husbands, but not the same way? That’s how I feel. At first I couldn’t figure out the unsettling feeling i was having, until I started thinking of all the ways to be loving to my husband and bring affection back to the marriage. Yesterday I wrote him a text and I told him I loved him. I knew he wouldn’t write those words but even after I wrote them I didn’t feel them. I hope I’m making sense. I know we’re so emotionally disconnected, but how do we begin re-connecting and showing affection when I feel this way?

  This is why my husband and I need to talk. but something always comes up. Pray for me so that God may guide me through this and to get rid of this fear. A part of me does fear that my husband will not reciprocate these feelings and the affection. Then the other part thinks he will coz he used to be very affectionate, but that was before all this things. Let me know how to go about this. Thanks a lot for your prayers.

• 136 Andrea // May 2, 2008 at 12:34 pm

  (UNITED STATES) By the way, thank you all for sharing your trials and tribulations, they have been encouraging. My prayers are with all of you….and Nicole, please put God first in this matter. I know you want your relationship to work, but it is important to put God at the center of your life before you make the commitment of marriage. I know you really love this man, but you asked God for a sign and he gave you one. Work on your relationship with God and then your ex-fiance. You seem to be on the right track with your faith and understanding of the situation!

  Also if this is the man for you, I can’t stress the importance of pre-marital counseling, multiple times if necessary. Read through the posts on this site if possible with your ex-fiance,…attend church together and Bible study…and most importantly, pray for each other and pray together!

  With a fragile yet open heart, Andrea

• 137 Andrea // May 2, 2008 at 1:15 pm

  (UNITED STATES) Hi Amber, Have you read or heard of the The Five Love Languages? Perhaps your husband’s primary language of love is not physical. Aside from that, coming from my own perspective, there may be a few things that are bothering your husband that prevents him from being affectionate.

  In regards to what to pray for, you pray for God’s guidance and for his will to be done in this situation. If at all possible, I cannot stress how important it is to, if at all possible, navigate this site with your husband. I think if they were all able to see that a lot of couples have similar issues, they wouldn’t be as defensive or feel as hopeless in their present situations.

  To all of you who actually have your husband present, I cannot stress the importance of viewing this as a positive in your lives. He could just as easily not be there…I am not saying this to suggest that you need to take all of the abuses and disrespect they dish at you, but this small act of just "being there" speaks volumes to women like me, who don’t have the benefit of a husband even willing to talk to them yet alone come every night and sleep in any room in the house. Look within yourself to God, for only God can guide you and ultimately only you can change you. Positive change in your own personal life will not go unnoticed if your husband sees you and interacts with on a daily basis…

  I don’t know, I suppose I am the wrong one to give any advice, considering I couldn’t manage to keep my husband from leaving. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason and perhaps God just wants me to himself for the time being. I haven’t always placed him at the top of my priority list, and maybe that is his message to all of us. No man can replace him or give us what God can. To our mortal minds and fleshy bodies that seems almost unfair and hard to comprehend but that’s what FAITH is all about right?

  I sure hope so, because as I said before, it’s all I have right now, and even that keeps backfiring on me. Sometimes I can’t help thinking why am I getting all of this strength? Is God preparing me for something really horrible? Because every time I go through something, it makes me a little more numb, a little more unresponsive. Yes I am closer to God than ever, but after each storm in my life…I become less emotional. I feel less, and expect less from people in general. I become closer to God but more disillusioned with humanity and love in particular.

  Sorry you guys. My post started positive, but there’s so much inside of me, I could write a book… It’s hard only having God to talk to…

• 138 andrea // May 2, 2008 at 1:32 pm

  (UNITED STATES) Anne, God and his spirit be with you and your husband.

  One thing I noticed in some of your postings, is you always seem to predict what your husband won’t do. Our minds are so powerful that often times we can almost talk things into existence. I challenge you for the next two weeks to allow yourself to believe in yourself, your husband and your marriage. Believe that he will text you back, in fact know that he will, expect that he will. Expect that healing will take place in your spirit, your husbands’, and your marriage. Listen to Yolanda Adams “Already Alright”…It’s already alright Anne, but you have to believe it -no, you have to KNOW IT….

  Your husband is there everyday. Don’t show him your despair, show him your faith and hopefulness. I believe the only reason you say you do not love him the same anymore is because you fear he doesn’t love you the same and this is a natural defense mechanism. If you did not love him the same…you would not have sent him a message and you would not be on this website fighting for your marriage. Continue the fight… do not let FEAR (Devil) guide your heart, actions, words or thoughts… Let God… Let the Spirit… Let your Spirit…

  You must love your husband the way he needs to be loved and the way you need to be loved. Wallowing in despair and pity will not help the situation…cast your burdens on God, that is what he calls for. Say your peace to the Lord and let it go. Love yourself like you want your husband to love you and you will see a change. It may not be when you want, or think. You need to see the change, and it may be only a small change, but you will see one. And then you will see FEAR (Devil) try to take way or downplay that change… recognize what that is and refuse to succumb.

  (Writing all of this is truly my therapy. I know the truth, and so do we all. But we all get tired on our journey.)

• 139 LT // May 2, 2008 at 2:12 pm

  (USA) Hi Andrea, I liked what you wrote and am glad you feel comfortable sharing on this website. It is very cathartic to write when we are going through trials. Some of it, you don’t even have to post here. Some of it you can just save in a file and even that helps. Then other times, it helps to seek the thoughts of other Christians (like your earlier post). A lot of what you wrote really resonated. As well, the Holy Spirit in me brought to mind some verses regarding your current situation and then I also had some generic conclusions I drew in how I read your post.

  I am going to try and write all of that later because it will take some time. I’ll probably do that later tonight but I wanted to let you know that I had some thoughts to share with you sometime soon.

  Until I write more, I’ll leave you with this. I heard one of my Christian friends say once, at a Bible study, that when you’re feeling down and you don’t really have anyone in your life that can comfort you - you should ask God for a hug. A "spiritual" hug, if that makes sense. I thought that was remarkable and certainly had never heard that before so I thought I’d share that with you since you are down lately and your husband has left. I’ll share more later - thanks! LT

• 140 Anne // May 2, 2008 at 2:43 pm

  (CANADA) Hey Andrea, thanks a lot for your insight. What you said really hit home that I should not assume the worst or negatively. The fear is truly the devils way to get me not to do the things that God is telling me to do. Thank you so very much. I’ll pray for positive thinking and when I think about it, we haven’t really been there for each other. He needed his space to sort through things. Thanks for making me realise that it’s all about faith. I’ll write more to you later about your situation. I have to go to work. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Later.

• 141 Andrea // May 2, 2008 at 4:19 pm

  (UNITED STATES) Thank you LT and Anne, your kind words mean so much to me. I look forward to hearing from you both…I asked God for a spiritual hug LT…and it felt really good…THANK YOU SO MUCH… With a fragile but open heart, Andrea

• 142 Nicole // May 2, 2008 at 5:09 pm

  (UNITED STATES) Hello Andrea, Thank you for your comment. I am sorry to hear of your battles. You are a strong and remarkable woman. You have so much on your mind but yet you make time to give others great advice. I truly admire that in you as well as the other people who share their advice and struggles. I will pray for you. I believe that your breakthrough is coming. I know exactly how you feel when you stated that you are closer to God, but after each storm in your life, you become less emotional, you feel less and expect less from people. I feel the same way.

  God is strengthening me and you as well as others and things will get better just keep the faith!

  I went home and listened to Open my heart by Yolanda Adams, as you mentioned earlier. The song is just beautiful and I have always loved it. Remember the part in the song that states “I need to talk to you and ask for your guidance especially today when my life is so cloudy, guide me until I am sure…..I open up my heart.” God will guide you and help you through any situation that comes your way ALWAYS remember that…..please stay strong.

  Another part states… “My hopes and dreams are fading fast and I don’t think my strength is going to last, so I’m crying out to you because I know you are the only who is able to pull me through… show me how to do things your way…. Just say one word.” Continue to talk to him Andrea, when you have bad days. He will always be your friend and comforter among several other things. I will keep you in my prayers!! Nicole

• 143 Andrea // May 2, 2008 at 10:38 pm

  (UNITED STATES) Thank you Nicole, your prayers mean so much. For right now, I have that Yolanda Adams song on repeat. It speaks volumes to how I am feeling right now…and its keeping me spiritually grounded. My prayers are with you as well… With a fragile yet open heart, Andrea

• 144 LYNNE // May 3, 2008 at 7:31 am

  (USA) ANDREA, Honey… I love ya. I know how it feels when he won’t even talk to you. Your left with wait…and that’s truly the hardest part. Don’t do anything destructive to get his attention. I’m telling you from experience you don’t want that kind of attention. Andrea… Is your husband a believer? Do you all have a church? Do you have a pastor or a fellow believer to confide in?

  Please read Genesis 2:24-25 and there is a great article on this web sit called: Leaving your parents to Cleave to your spouse. I recommend that you read that too. It appears that your husband is having a hard time leaving his parent (particularly his mother) to cleave and become one with you. Surprisingly enough I know exactly how that feels. Not to mention your husband is quite a bit younger than you and males tend to be more immature than woman developmentally.

  That’s not to say that his mother is completely to blame for your marital strife because there was obviously more going on between the two of you already. There are also some great articles for newly weds on here. One in particular talking about how you start to question if marrying him/her was a the right or wrong thing. I suggest you read that. I also suggest that you send your feelings to your husband in an email or stick a letter in his car. Particularly if his family is evolved because they could intercept this. If nothing else, you’ll at least know that you got your feelings out there. It’ll really help with the whole numb thing.

  Is your son also his son or is he from a previous relationship? Is your little guy doing ok with all of this? I’ll be praying really hard for all involved here. I really do hope that you remember not to just pray for yourself your husband and marriage. Pray for his mother and for your son. As a mother of a little guy I am sure you can understand how it can be hard to let go. It seems as if your mother in law is having a hard time letting go. Don’t judge her for that but try and understand what feeling is behind her actions. Fear of losing her little boy, and being sad/lonely. The devil I am sure is using that against her so pray for her protection as well as your husbands.

  Pray that GOD changes both their hearts, and reminds your husband why GOD gave you to him in the first place. Something more than his illness brought you two back together it was your persistent prayer. That is the devil placing doubt in your head. Do not give the negative (his illness) glory, give GOD the glory. Also thinking that he married you because he was mad at his mommy or she making that the reason is sick and twisted. Recognize that him being mad and rebellion could not have been the only reason. That’s giving glory to the negative again. Recognize that it was LOVE and GOD is LOVE. Give HIM the glory.

  Andrea just trust HIM don’t try to fix everything. Give it to GOD and let HIM do the fixing. He’s the only One who can. If your alone and have no one to talk to besides GOD there’s probably a reason for that. Maybe GOD is telling you to keep spending this time with HIM right now, so he’s helping to eliminate distractions. Which it sounds like your doing.

  If nothing else should you need to I’d be more than happy to give you my personal email address. I am always here for any of any of you ladies. I cannot explain how much you’ve all been there for me.

  Lastly, I strongly suggest that you surround yourself with good company right now. Call your Pastor, a trusted prayer partner, someone who is objective and walks a Christian path. Or email Cindy on this site. She and Steve give great advice and are very in tune with the Spirit.

  I will keep you in my prayers and I pray that you find peace and keep your eyes on HIM, Love ya. LOVE, LYNNE

• 145 LYNNE // May 3, 2008 at 8:02 am

  (USA) Anne, You know you’re my girl. Do you remember the advice you gave me when I was going through the same thing with my hubby? I was feeling like there was not intimacy or no connections recently too.

  "The best thing I did (which was in the book) was to pray and thank GOD for my husband’s strengths and to pray for my weaknesses. I realized I was asking God to change me but I was always praying for my husband’s weaknesses and not his strengths. Lynne, I will tell you this has helped, because despite what he’s doing I remember the reasons why I fell in love with him. It also helps me to remember that he is human and he’s not perfect and God loves him unconditionally too. All I can suggest is to be open with your husband and tell him how you feel. Please pray about it Lynne, because honestly, you don’t want to give satan any foothold in your marriage. Any open window that the enemy sees he goes in with full armor to destroy. Remember he came close to ending your marriage, but because of all your prayers and trusting in God, God came down and saved your marriage. " - Anne

  Do you remember that? Don’t forget that feeling. That is the devil playing you. GOD is working so hard to rebuild both of you and the devil is scared. So he’s trying to build you up negatively because he wants you to self destruct. He can’t make you stop listening to GOD he’s just too weak so he’ll try and make you stop on your own. FIGHT!

  LT gave me this advice and it was so true: "I love this verse: Matt. 6:28 (through 34). Christ says the lilies of the field do not "toil" (in terms of worrying) and neither should we. Here he is talking about worrying about where we’ll live, or whether we’ll have food and clothes. But I take a broader interpretation to mean we really shouldn’t worry about anything. And once you can get to that point, it’s such a great place to be mentally and emotionally." -LT

  Remember who HE is and remember who you are. Do not be distracted by the devil pathetic attempts to destroy LOVE. LOVE is of GOD and His name means LOVE. The devil is no match for LOVE.

  Good new is, once you stop focusing on how that feeling is not there, that feeling comes back stronger. There’s a reason why you sent him that text. You did mean what you wrote, the defensive numbness that you built up and the devil just made you question yourself. I am happy to say that I stopped worrying, Prayed and trusted HIM. Now the intimacy in our marriage (emotionally and physically) is steadily coming back and better. It’s also rising to new levels that we’ve never been to before. I am really truly becoming happy again, and I am NOT afraid. I am not afraid of the next obstacle the devil is always plotting to find a way, but I know that there is LOVE and that devil is not match for HIM. You’re going to make it girl, don’t forget that. I love ya. LOVE, LYNNE

• 146 Anne // May 3, 2008 at 11:25 am

  (CANADA) Hey ladies, hope you’re all doing well. I have an update of things in my marriage. Last night after work my husband and I went to GO KART with our friends. This is one of the things he’s always told me we do together, but I always said no. So I decided since I needed to change things around. I’ll try to do things he likes.

  I tell you, I had a blast and he did too. He kept giving me a thumbs up every time he passed me and it felt good. Before we left I had his cell in my bag so when I went to give it to him I saw that the other woman had txt. I wasn’t amused. God is great because we were surrounded by people and I did nothing crazy. So I showed it to him and I read it. It was just saying hey and stuff but still….

  I’m glad that his cousin was in our car because it gave me time to think. I saw that satan will use this to bring a rift between my husband and me. So I prayed the whole way back and I asked God to help me deal with this very calmly. All of a sudden I felt very peaceful and I wasn’t upset. We had stopped somewhere to eat but he just asked his cousin to go ahead and we went on talking. Thank God I was prepared for defensiveness. But what he did, he "attacked" with his tone and I told him so. He was ready to defend himself.

  All I told him was I don’t want them to be friends. He said I was being unfair, that they are just friends. Seriously I looked at him and I wondered, who is gonna get through to him? Our pastor is away so I can’t even call. When we got home, he just kept quiet and then said he’ll take care of everything because he can’t go on like this.

  Will he do it? I don’t know. I prayed and told God that I trust Him to deal with this. I can’t make my husband see, but God can, and I know at His perfect timing He will. I thank God that I confronted the issue His way and i did not get angry. Yes, I was getting frustrated but I managed to keep calm. I refuse to let satan win. I’ll PUSH in prayer. I know that’s what God wants. Thanks a lot for your prayers, ladies.

  Lynne, you gave Andrea very good advice. Andrea I’d just like to add, that you read the article on prayer -P.U.S.H. Pray Until Something Happens. It’s very helpful. I keep all of you in my prayers. Lynne how you doing? Love you all.

• 147 Andrea // May 3, 2008 at 6:14 pm

  (UNITED STATES) Lynne, God bless you. Thank you so much for your encouraging words! I woke up this morning, after a sleepless and prayerful night, and checked this message board. Your words were so inspiring and heaven sent. I prayed for an answer/direction last night and God gave me an answer, part of which was embedded in your post.

  I know the Lord is trying to show me that I must give it up and let him do his work. I am good at some things but he is great at everything. He is not only calling me to come closer to him, but he is -and perhaps more importantly -calling my husband. And perhaps the Lord is pulling distractions away from my husband right now. I know that I must trust in him, because he has never let me down. It truly hurts like ****, but I have to have faith that there is a blessing in every lesson.

  One thing that I have not heartfully done, was pray for his mother. I suppose it was because I had some bitterness towards her. You opened my eyes to this fact, that while I had forgiven my husband for his transgressions -I had not forgiven his mother. This morning after reading your post, I said a prayer for her. Later today she sent me a text msg. telling me she was sorry for not returning my calls, but she has been going through her own trials and tribulations. I said another prayer for her and let her know she was in my prayers and I loved her. God works in mysterious ways. What the devil tries to tear apart may in fact grow stronger.

  It is still hard for me to be still and just do "nothing". I think that is ultimately what God is trying to show me -how to surrender total control to Him. I want to run to my husband and tell him exactly what, how, when, and where he hurt me. I want to lay my burdens on something or someone tangible… but patience is a virtue…

  I thank you all for your prayers and kind words. While I am still helplessly heartbroken, and confused by the situation, I am holding on to faith that God will lead me down the correct path. Today I am better than yesterday, or at least I am for the moment. Thank you all…

• 148 Andrea, // May 4, 2008 at 2:15 pm

  (UNITED STATES) You guys have been so great, but I have been in much anguish. I just found out my husband is off living in his own place and he hadn’t the decency to let me know. He has just left me in limbo and I am sick of it. I stuck by his side, time and time again when most would have run…I am filing for divorce today! I can’t take it anymore and I will not take it anymore…

• 149 LT // May 4, 2008 at 8:23 pm

  (USA) HI Andrea, Sorry I haven’t gotten back to you sooner. I’ve had a LOT going on this weekend.

  One of the thoughts I had when I read your original post was whether or not your husband is a believer? Is he a Christian? I had assumed you yourself recently came to the faith simply because you said you were living out of wedlock for a while before your marriage. Most ministers would tell their flock that this is not acceptable in the eyes of the Lord, so I assumed you had only recently come to the faith, after your mention of living together before marriage.

  What I wanted to suggest to you to read was I Corinthians 7. Have you ever read this chapter? Even if you have - do read it again - it sums up marriage, to a tee, better than ANY other chapter in the Bible.

  But in that chapter it talks about if an unbeliever leaves a believing spouse - let them. If your husband has already left (and he’s an unbeliever) - you can’t change him. You can pray for him to come back, but it may not be God’s will (or in your husband’s will/desire) for him to want to come back. I think that’s one of many reasons why Paul said, let an unbeliever leave.

  That’s obviously not easy, given that you love him, but that’s the scripture, not my words. It sounds as though your husband is an unbeliever so I’m quoting that chapter based on that assumption.

  As for you filing for a divorce - well, on that one, I’d say wait. Your husband has already left, but you filing the divorce, to me, is a bad idea for two reasons:

  1-You’re not giving your husband the chance to come back so that if he wanted to in the near future, you signing the death knell to your marriage in the form of divorce papers, basically tells him you won’t forgive him, and as Christians we must forgive. So I’d say filing the papers would be hasty as it could possibly cut off all possibilities of forgiveness and/or reconciliation.

  2- It’s a bad idea because you, as the believer, are to set a higher example. We’re to live by God’s word and Jesus did say that the only reason God allows divorce at all (or Moses did to the Jews) was because of the "hardness of their hearts." In other words, because humans get angry and hurt and want to throw their hands up and give up. (I’m not saying that to put you down because I’ve been there myself and I’ve had those feelings, too, so I know what it’s like).

  My recommendation (and keep in mind, this is assuming your husband is an unbeliever) is to keep the lines of communication open to at least allow for God to work a miracle. If it becomes evident that your husband does not want to come back (i.e., if 6 or 12 months go by and he’s still gone) then he’s the unbeliever that left and you are to let him. But you signing the divorce papers first is, in the things I’ve learned and seen as a Christian, not the higher example. If he files them, then he files them.

  In other words, what I’m saying is if I were a Christian I wouldn’t want that hanging over my head. If your husband leaves and files papers then it’s on his head, not yours. It would be his sin to carry, not yours (if that makes sense).

  That’s about everything I was originally going to write to you. There were some other things I wanted to write about your husband’s mother and that situation but I’ll save that for another time.

  Please reconsider - from one Christian woman to another - filing the divorce papers. Let the situation lie for a while. See what God has planned……

  Hope this helps. Do read I Corinthians 7 - it’s an AWESOME chapter and very enlightening.

  With love and prayers, LT

• 150 Leonie // May 5, 2008 at 2:35 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi All. I just want to ask everybody a question, Cindy and everyone. I pray for my husband’s salvation everyday. But do you still pray this prayer for somebody who wants a divorce, who is living with this young girl that he has made pregnant 4 doors away from you? Our divorce is suppose to be finalized on the 12th of May. That is about 2 weeks away. I am praying that God changes his life before, and that He stops the divorce from taking place. And I am praying that my husband becomes the man and father he is supposed to be –to take his rightful place. Please tell me. Love, Leonie

• 151 LT // May 5, 2008 at 8:00 am

  (USA) Hi Leonie, I read your comment on this page as well as the comment you left to Dineo and Jerome.

  Firstly, let me extend my heartfelt sympathies for your husband cursing you and hitting you in front of your children. Obviously, this is not the kind of behavior that God likes. It sounds as though you did the right thing by blessing him, but there are also times when that just incites more anger because a person is an angry person.

  My husband grew up with an angry, abusive father and carried that into our marriage. He was hitting me at times and a LOT of verbal abuse occurred. After our son was born and it was still happening, even in front of our son, I went to God (and our church) for help. We are now healing our marriage and it has taken a VERY long time, but we are almost all the way healed and we’ve set boundaries on what we won’t tolerate and we can now communicate more effectively.

  So…I know what it’s like to live with an angry, abusive person.

  I applaud your efforts to bless your husband in the middle of his recent tirade at you, but my suggestion is this - set boundaries! If you are nice and your husband continues to curse you and be angry - my suggestion is to leave the room at all costs, otherwise what happened to you will probably end up happening again - he’ll get physical. He does not sound like he thinks he needs help and he does not sound like he wants help. He probably does not think he has a problem. Most likely he’s also blaming a lot of his problems on you. I’ve seen it all too often and have read about abusive people. Here’s what I know from experience and from what I’ve read - You cannot change or even help (for the most part) people like that until they want to help themselves. Only God can - but you CAN set boundaries for yourself.

  Show that you respect your position as a child of God and as the mother of two children of God, as well, and do not tolerate that kind of harsh treatment from your husband if you can help it.

  I understand you’re living with his parents so it’s awkward but you can still go to a different room if he’s being abusive and won’t stop. Is it possible to go in the room where his parents are? Would he hit you and curse you in front of his parents? Perhaps that’s a safe room - with his parents, until he calms down or leaves. If not, then you need a different place to live. In the mean time I’m praying that God gives you another place to live. You do not sound safe where you are living and now your kids are watching some really bad interactions between their father toward you.

  As for whether or not you should remain married and/or ask for salvation for your husband - please see the comment above I wrote to Andrea on May 4. Those words are definitely for you, as well, after hearing your situation.

  Your husband, whether he’s claiming to be a Christian or not, is clearly NOT living as a Christian. Right now he’s living as an unbeliever. I Corinthians 7 says when an unbeliever leaves (as your husband has left you) - the rule is simple - let them leave! You cannot help people who don’t want help and perhaps it’s just not God’s will right now. Your husband has gone so far into a life of sin, and it doesn’t sounds like he cares about it, that only God can help him now. If an unbeliever leaves, you are not bound to that marriage. Please read the chapter I mentioned - it’s very clear. They are not my words - they are God’s words.

  I can’t say what God has planned for you or your husband, but as long as you are following God, you’ll be where God wants you to be. And what I do know is that God loves you very much. And there is also a lot of love and support on this website so continue to come here for rest, along with the rest you receive from the Holy Spirit. I hope this helps. I’m sincerely praying for God to give you a safer, healthier place for you and your kids to live. Your husband will never be out of your life because he’s the father of your children, but I hope God does lead you to a better home.

  With love and prayers, LT

• 152 Cindy Wright // May 5, 2008 at 2:15 pm

  Hi Leonie, It’s difficult to know how to advise you beyond what you’ve already been learning through the Holy Spirit and the good advice that LT and others have said to you. From all I’ve read, you’ve done everything you know to do, as far as being gracious and forgiving towards your husband. And yet he still chooses to leave your marriage and abstain from being the good husband he could be and should be to you, and the wonderful father and role model he could be and should be to your precious children.

  You have been praying for him and trying to remain open to reconciling if God would work a miracle. There isn’t too much else that you could do. As you can read in the Bible, you have the “right” to move on with your life. You are not bound to him, because he is an unbeliever who says, and acts out as if, he wants to leave. You can’t make him stay if he chooses to do so.

  You also have the “right” to release him to live in his unfaithfulness and divorce him because of his adulterous ways. (If you read the article “Scriptures on Divorce” in the “Separation and Divorce” section of this web site, you will see that.)

  But just because you have the RIGHT to divorce, it doesn’t mean that God wants you to divorce or that you should, because God may still work a miracle in your husband’s heart. You need to be open to God’s miraculous ways and ask Him if that is what you must wait for, and if you need it, that He will also work in your heart to help you to work out your feelings if a reconciliation is to occur. But from what you have written in your comments, it seems as if you have been willing to be open for that miracle, and frankly, that is all you can do. The rest is between God and your husband. The Lord will not make your husband live a faithful life, and neither can you.

  So at this point, you keep praying with an open heart, as you have been and see what happens on May 12th. If the divorce is finalized, then you make plans for you and your children to make the best life possible with the Lord as your husband. He will direct your paths as you call upon Him.

  If your earthly husband remarries, then you will know that you are fully released from being able to reconcile in marriage with him ever again, because the door will then be fully shut. He chose to shut the door completely at that point.

  As I stated earlier, it’s difficult for me to give you any additional advice, because I feel you have received great directions from God and from others. But I can tell you that I grieve with you and your precious children. I cry with you and your children, and I pray for you and your children.

  I pray that the Lord touches your heart and comforts you, and helps you to rid yourself of any bitterness that could take root. I pray that every injustice that your husband is inflicting upon you will be righted by the Lord and that your hands will be innocent. I pray that the Lord supplies your every need — emotionally, spiritually, and physically — taking care of you in such a way that you will be able to raise your sons in a home that is peaceful and sufficient to help them get a good start in life, and will fulfill your needs as well. I pray that the Lord will help your sons to grow up as faithful, truthful, God-fearing men who will be good citizens of this world, but especially of God’s Kingdom, and that they will rise up some day and call you blessed as they see God’s presence in your life.

  “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit!” (Romans 15:13)

  “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)

  “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

• 153 LYNNE // May 5, 2008 at 8:34 pm

  (USA) Andrea, Wait! Stop! Hold up. I pray that I am not writing this too late. You said that your are filing for divorce. I hope that what LT wrote had a chance to sink in, and change your heart. What is your true motivation for divorce? Because he got a place, or because you’re scared that if he has his own place, he can have company? That is the devil! Recognize that and do not play into the devil’s hand.

  Praying for your mother in law has brought about change in your relationship with her already. Don’t stop praying for your husband. The devil is really playing you and distracting you. Keep praying for him. Maybe having his own place is not such a bad thing. This way you’re not the target of everyone’s bad day, and everyone doesn’t have the opportunity to voice bad opinions about you to him. This is a very good thing because if anything happens between you two, his family isn’t all up in your business. It’ll also give him less distraction and he can spend more time with the LORD. It’s harder to drown out HIS voice when your all alone right?

  I beg you to wait and reconsider. Focus on how much you do love him, think about what made you fall in love in the first place, and wait. If you shut that door first you’ll regret it, and you’ll also open a window for the devil.

  Have you gotten the opportunity to talk with someone yet. A pastor, prayer partner, Christian friend? Please do, you need to talk with someone of faith because non-believers walk a very different path. Andrea I prayed for you yesterday at my church’s pray request. So there are way more people praying for you than you know.

  Andrea, If you haven’t anyone, I would gladly be your prayer partner. If nothing else remember this Andrea, GOD loves you. Sometimes I have to stop myself when I feel my anger rising to dangerous levels and just say that out loud. "GOD LOVES ME, and HE takes care of HIS children." Please try this every time you start feeling hopeless about your marriage. You’re not giving HIM a chance. You haven’t given HIM your burden. If you do give it to HIM, HE will give you rest. I LOVE ya GIRL,

  Anne, YOU ROCK! That is the way to do it. You might not have been able to calm yourself immediately, but GOD is giving you the tools to help until you can. I am noticing that as well. When I get mad, I am not having the time to get angry because of situations, then I am able to confront conflict with a cool attitude. PRAISE GOD! Keep praying Girl, and I’m going to keep praying too.

  Leonie, I pray that GOD be with you and your boys as Cindy said. She gives great advice and I pray that HE comforts you. I am not going to write about your situation but I am just going to let you know I am praying for your really hard. Love ya,

  LOVE, LYNNE

• 154 Leonie // May 6, 2008 at 3:11 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) LT, Cindy, Lynne and everyone that is praying for me and my boys, I just want to say thank you. God bless you…Your advice has brought me to tears. I am hurting very badly and discover it more and more each day. I am not bitter. Do not worry. I tell the Lord exactly how I feel because we cannot hide anything from Him. I love my husband and was never unfaithful to him because I take my marriage vows very seriously.

  But God instructed me to divorce him and God told me that I had to do this a long time ago. I will tell you now why. I have a daughter from a previous relationship before I got married to him. She will be turning 15 years tomorrow, thank God. We got married when she was 6 and he started abusing and raping her at the age of about 7. I did not know because she did not say anything to me. I was blindly in love with this man.

  When she was 9 she went to her teacher at school and told him. The state made a case against him and I stood by him, not knowing how ignorant I was being. I lost my daughter. A couple of months ago I was at a crusade and I heard the voice of God. He told me, “You had to divorce this man years ago when I told you the first time, but you did not listen.” Then God revealed to me that he did rape my daughter. I could not contain the feeling that I had that day.

  I was hurt and angry and everything. I phoned her and all she said was, “Mommy, thank God your eyes have finally opened up.” She told me the worse thing of all of this is that he did everything in front of my 8 year old son who was about 3 at the time. I pray that God will not let my son remember this horrible thing that my husband did to his sister.

  I do not know why I still love this man after everything he has put me and my children through. She has forgiven him because she said in order for her to heal she had to. God has healed her and his grace and mercy has always been over her. My husband took my daughter’s innocence and for that, he is in torment alone, because he still denies it. But the most wonderful of all, is that God is restoring my relationship with her.

  I just want to thank all of you for your love and support. Love Leonie

• 155 Amber // May 6, 2008 at 6:55 am

  (USA) Hi Girls, I am sorry I have been a way a few days. So much has happened on this post since I have last wrote. But I wanted to let you girls know that your prayers and encouragement did not go unnoticed. I greatly appreciate them and the Lord has truly opened my eyes and heart to where they should be.

  Andrea, you mentioned that we should be thankful for even having our husbands under the same roof, and you are correct. There was a time when I didn’t have my husband in the same room as me. And I wouldn’t have had him under the same roof, but he truly had no place to go. So I thank you for opening my eyes to how far we have truly come. Thank you too Anne, your words always mean so much to me! I love you all, and I am praying for each and every one of you!

• 156 Andrea // May 6, 2008 at 7:41 am

  (UNITED STATES) Lynn, You are so wonderful! Your spirit is truly beautiful…Right now…today…I can’t pray for my marriage. I talked to my husband the night before for 3 hours and his mother for 3 hours yesterday. I spoke from my soul to my husband. I truly did, and I told him about God’s love and his plan for marriage. But he would not listen to me and cited my parents as the perfect example…(my mom divorced and remarried and has been happily married for 25 years. My real dad was an abuser and adulterer, however. And my parents were non believers)…I know he is right so, well, why am I holding on again?

  He said there is nothing that either one of us could tell another person about each other that is good. He also said we have no vested interest in the marriage…no kids…no home…so it’s best to cut ties. He has no interest in any kind of relationship with me, because if we truly had a marriage it would have worked (yea in all of the 5 months we were married 4 of which we were pretending not to be). And now that he’s gone, I want to really make it work he says.

  I can’t believe I married someone like this. Who would take the vows of a marriage so carelessly? No one said it would be easy at all. In fact God said quite the opposite. Perhaps God is speaking through my husband and telling me to run from this situation as quickly as possible because they are all truly unbelievers, it seems…

  To top it off the conversation with his mother was just disturbing. I admit I went over there to ask her to talk to him about just filing the divorce papers. But then I started to ask her certain questions as to why she said certain things to us about our marriage and she took it as I was blaming her for our failed marriage…and I wasn’t. To make a long story short, she basically said that she feels as if I have resented her from the first day she meet me which was 7 years ago when I was 22! (This was the first time her son and I dated -it only lasted 6 months.) All of this because I did not speak to her (so she remembers it) when I was at her house sitting on the couch.

  She said I was passive aggressive. I said, how could I resent a grown woman (as barely a woman myself) who I did not know that me and her son were just dating. Nothing serious was going on back then. She said I did and since then, she has felt as if I felt like if she did not exist, it would be better because I could have her son all to myself. Why would I have ever thought that at 22? I wasn’t even thinking long term about our relationship? Why would she hold on to that for all these years? Me and her son (my husband now) stop talking for 4 years after that.

  I can’t deal with this…from that, to her feeling as if I made a conscious or unconscious decision to marry her son for reasons other than love… Do you guys know that our major problem was communication? We did not talk about anything because I soon begin to feel uncomfortable that he shared everything with his mother…at times not telling me his true feelings about me with me only with her and I would have to find out through her (which ironically again, she told me something I did not know yesterday and I pointed out to her that that was exactly what the issue was. She simply said, well I thought you knew he felt like that.) I did not resent their mother-son relationship. I resented when he shared information about our relationship with no consideration to me…before and after the marriage apparently.

  I will pray that they find the Lord, but I will not pray for my marriage. I do not believe in it anymore…and apparently it was just for show…and that which was joined under false pretense was never really joined to begin with, right?

• 157 LT // May 6, 2008 at 9:35 am

  (USA) Hi ladies, I wanted to write to Lynne, Leonie and Andrea.

  Lynne, I like your advice that when we get angry to stop and say God loves me! Wow - what affirmation. That’s a new one on me and I think it’s great advice.

  Dearest Leonie, I just read your most recent post today - I’m so very sorry to hear what happened with your daughter and your husband. This is truly tragic and I’m SOOO glad she seems to be healed from that and has been able to move on with life. What a tragedy of what your husband did to her.

  It sounds as though the Lord has affirmed some things, through direct revelation to you, and it’s a confirmation of what some of us were saying as well. This is certainly a type of person (your husband) that should not be in anyone’s life, including your life.

  Most of us can tell at least a little, if someone is repentant. Your husband has not repented and does not want to change. Who knows - maybe in the future he will. But he’s the one who left and filed for divorce and he’s the one who raped your young daughter - it’s not on your head. His sins are his to carry, not yours.

  I will pray God heals your heart if the divorce becomes final because it’s never easy to see a life (your married life and home) end like that. I’m keeping you in my prayers. In God, there is forgiveness for everyone, even your husband, but we do have to ask for it for ourselves. I don’t know if your husband will or not, but for now it sounds like you need to be strong in God about yourself and your kids. We can pray for others but, ultimately, they are responsible for themselves and their own salvation.

  My guess is, your feelings of love are, in part, an emotional attachment to the marriage you had and the family life you were hoping would happen. It’s a dream that you had and now have to give up. That’s probably part of what is in your feelings of love for your husband. That’s understandable. It’s hard to give up on dreams. It will pass with time and, hopefully, God will give you much better things to come in this next phase of your life. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers!!

  To Andrea - I wanted to say I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It does sound as though your husband’s relationship with his mother is odd, if not an unhealthy attachment. Matt. 19:5 says a man (when married) should leave his parents and unite with his wife. It’s not saying they shouldn’t have a relationship, but what it’s saying is that his relationship with his mother shouldn’t be closer to his mom than to his wife and it sounds like that might have been the case in your marriage.

  I understand you cannot pray for your marriage right now. Right now you are exhausted and what you need to pray for is strength from God to continue on and do what is needed of you.

  When praying for salvation for others (this isn’t something I usually make a habit of for my own reasons) it’s necessary to make sure to include in that prayer, "if it is God’s will." God knows who He will and won’t bring to salvation. Only God can call people - no one comes to the Father except through Jesus (not other humans). John 14:6 The most we humans can do for someone else’s salvation is pray and be a light through example.

  Andrea - your husband is already in a different home of his own now. My suggestion is still the same - wait and do not do anything to tear down your marriage, including filing for divorce. See Mark 10:9 - what God puts together let no man put asunder. You cannot keep your husband from leaving or filing for divorce but God does HATE divorce. That’s why my suggestion to you is not to pursue that. I think that is stepping on a dangerous path and possibly putting yourself in a position of sin. If your husband does, then it’s a sin he has to carry. Don’t let it be your sin.

  There’s no rush on it anyway. Making a divorce happen faster isn’t going to take away the pain and hurt faster. And, ultimately, all the divorce papers say is that man’s government sees you as divorced but let’s face it - all our legal documents here on Earth don’t mean a hill of beans to God in Heaven. It’s just paper that humans use. God doesn’t rule His heavenly kingdom by divorce papers, or marriage papers or the American constitution or the Magna Carta or any of that. We’re the only ones who put significance on that.

  That’s why I’d wait several months to see what happens with your marriage situation before making any action. And MOST importantly - pray to God for what YOU should do. If you don’t have much energy to pray right now then don’t pray for your marriage or other individuals right now - pray for strength from God and pray for Him to communicate to you what to do. In other words, focus on praying for yourself right now, not others. There’s a time for that and it sounds like that time for you is now.

  I pray God gives you peace and rest, Andrea. I know you need that right now after what you’ve been going through.

  With love to all my friends here, LT

• 158 LYNNE // May 6, 2008 at 1:02 pm

  (USA) Andrea, I agree with LT 100% percent. If you start a divorce or use that as an attention-getter you’ll regret it. If it’s going to happen, let him be the one to sin, not you. Pray for yourself and spend this time with GOD. You seem distracted by your anger and frustration with your marriage and haven’t seemed focused on your relationship with GOD. Work on that first and good things follow… Promptly. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I pray that you can lay all of this burden at HIS feet and trust HIM, Love, LYNNE

• 159 Cindy // May 6, 2008 at 2:25 pm

  (USA) Dear Leonie, How my heart hurts for you, and your daughter, and for your sons! You have such a painfully complicated history with your husband. I will be praying in the future for not only you and your sons, but also for your precious daughter as well. She sounds like she is a real jewel. I hope you can keep conveying to her how much you love, value, and appreciate her merciful, and forgiving heart! She is right about forgiving… as we release our bitterness, it frees us to heal as we are no longer bound to the person who hurt us, but instead we become free to let God work in us, and in the other person, and in the situation, as He determines. God is righteous, just, and merciful, knowing what would be best for all.

  Something you need to do is to let this other woman know about the history of your husband raping your daughter (if she doesn’t already know). It isn’t for vindictive reasons that you are to do this, but to protect her future child. Even though she is sinning with your husband, she needs to know what your husband is capable of doing to this child. This child needs to be protected even if she or he is born because of sin. The child is innocent and didn’t sin in this way, the parents did.

  Your husband may try to rationalize to her that he isn’t like that anymore, but I wouldn’t believe that for a second. Research has shown that someone with those tendencies VERY, VERY, VERY RARELY (if ever) can stop committing those types of crimes against children once they have started.

  Also, if you have nieces, future granddaughters, or any other young girls over to your home, and your husband is anywhere near, you need to watch over them as diligently as you can. He is capable of doing this kind of thing to them as well.

  LT gave great insight as to why you may still feel such love for your husband when he has hurt your family and you as he has. The feelings of past emotional attachment and the death of a dream for a loving family life together, can bring powerful emotional confusion and sadness. Lean into God for your pain, and to help you to sort out your feelings properly, and not into your own understanding, and He will direct your paths, as the Bible tells us.

  Keep praying that God will help you to let go of emotions that can hurt you and your family. Keep praying that God will continue to heal your family and show you how to protect yourself and your son and your daughter from the pain that the enemy of our faith would like to bring into your home. And pray for a home, away from past and future emotional and physical dysfunction, that He can provide that will allow all of this to happen.

  You have many people praying for you and your family, with my husband and me included. God Bless!

• 160 Leonie // May 6, 2008 at 11:12 pm

  (SOUTH AFRICA (CAPE TOWN)) Hi All, LT and Cindy thank you for your encouragement. Cindy I told her, I told her about everything a couple of months ago, when they were still living in a different province. I phoned her to warn her about him because she is still so young. I warned her that it is not the first time that he is unfaithful to me. I told her about the abuse; I told her everything, but yet he managed to lie his way through.

  The argument of last Thursday apparently caused trouble between the two of them and she wanted to leave. His sister told me last night that she told a mutual friend that her family and her friends do not want anything to do with her, except her parents, because of her relationship with him. It’s not because he is married, I doubt they know that, but because of a racial issue, she is white and he is colored. She has nobody here to run to.

  I told my sister in law that what she is going through with him is her own doing now, because I warned her and told her what I have been going through in our marriage for the past nine years.

  I just want to clear up one more thing, I filed for divorce, because God told me to. I don’t want the divorce, but I am being obedient. I have to. God is the only one who can stop this divorce from taking place, but then our plans are not God’s plans. It is very hard for me and I am sure what you all say about my emotional attachment to this person is the truth.

  I am praying very hard that God gives me and my boys another place to live. I need to get away from there, because he comes into my place when I get home and does whatever he wants to. He switches on my P.C. and sits to do things on it. He is planning on marrying Ezelle — her name, once the divorce is final. But like I said, our plans are not God’s plans.

  His sister told me last night that he looks so down and out, but I told her it was his own choice to do what he is doing. Girls, thanks for your prayers, Cindy thank your husband for me.

  I was praying last night, asking the Lord to help me against bitterness, anger and hatred. I do not want any of that because I need my focus to be on Jesus and nobody else. I am tired, emotionally and physically, very tired. I just want to rest and have peace for me and my kids. Thank you all…..Love Leonie

• 161 Dineo // May 7, 2008 at 6:44 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) Hello all. Leonie, O my word - I am just speechless! I am so shocked! I can imagine the kind of pain and disappointment you are experiencing. All I can say is be strong for your daughter and ask God to give you strength to carry on. I know you are praying - so am I (for you). You are strong!

  To all the ladies here, I found that making a "personality prayer" helps a lot. As we all know "You are what you think". I found that asking God to transform you is very powerful. After I began to pray for God to make me a different woman - I became a different woman. I outlined the traits I felt had either been eroded by my anger and all the trials I’d faced. Then I prayed for God to make me a complete woman. I prayed for me to be vibrant, creative, wise, flamboyant, confident (not proud), virtuous, loving, caring, generous (not foolishly so), etc. This has helped me a lot in working to polish my character. I had to realise that these things don’t just HAPPEN - I must work for them.

  As for Andrea - I also have to agree with LT and Lynne. Don’t rush. You see, part of you want to file for divorce just to make him stand up an notice you. But what if he doesn’t beg you to change your mind? Then what? That’s the danger with the temptation to play mind games - they don’t achieve what you want! The best thing to do is wait. I read an interesting piece of scripture in Habakkuk 2:2&3. Apply it in your marriage. Also Psalm 27 will strengthen you to be patient in the Lord. Remember, even when we have lost hope - He is all we can hold on to.

  I know that when I feel like you do I immediately remember that even though I can be unfaithful - He is faithful, because He cannot disown himself. So my prayers for my marriage will ride not on how zealous I feel at the time - but entirely on God. I know my feelings will waiver and change from day to day, so I am no longer trusting in my strength or will to pray, but my hope is in God ENTIRELY. Another thing you can do is ask God to inspire you to be single-minded (Jeremiah 32:39), because being double minded may delay your answer. I know how you feel, so I hope you can also draw strength from the Word. If you don’t want to pray for your marriage - tell God, and tell Him why. Tell Him how frustrated you are, or fearful, or whatever you are feeling. Just tell Him, and you’ll see - He will give you clarity.

  I know there was a time when I refused to read my Bible, and my book because I knew that they would tell me to pray and then I wouldn’t get my own way. It took me some time to acknowledge my selfishness and ask God to forgive me. Remember, staying in the marriage is an act of surrender to GOD, not a favor to your husband. You are doing all this to please Him.

  Please continue and persevere in your prayers. Just know and understand that God will act in our best interest. You will find that when your marriage is restored, it was well worth the tears, fasting, praying etc. Oh, and don’t forget: “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” (Rom 5:1).

  God bless you, and make all your enemies bow at your feet. I am praying for all you ladies. In faith, Dineo

• 162 Lynne // May 7, 2008 at 9:13 am

  (USA) Dineo, Hey it’s nice to meet you. I really like what you wrote and I really like the passage that you used. You are very insightful.

  Leonie, I must admit that whenever I’ve written you it’s been very brief and I do not reference your specific situation with your marriage. Please don’t think it’s because I don’t care. I cry when I read your posts and I care very much about you. My Husband and I pray for you together almost every night, and I pray for you by myself more often. When reading your posts I have a hard time responding because quite honestly, I am speechless as well.

  I also wanted to reflect more before I said anything. I was abused as a young child and I too learned as did your daughter, that forgiveness is a necessity to healing. When you don’t forgive someone, they take power over you. If you hold on to hurt and become bitter, then they keep that power. I can understand that you may not be able to forgive your soon to be ex-husband now but someday you’ll need to do that. You’re not only just letting a dream die, you are feeling so helpless because he still has power over you. This man sure did hurt you and you need time to heal. May the Lord heal you and comfort you.

  I do not support divorce, but even more I don’t support ignoring the Lord’s instructions. If you are doing what you’re told to by GOD then you’re doing the right thing.

  I will be praying continuously for you and your boys. I will also be praying for your estranged husband. His soul needs a lot of prayer. I pray for the young woman that is carrying his baby, and I pray for your daughter’s future.

  Leonie, God loves you, and he takes care of his children. He’ll help you find a home, trust him. Until then… Love ya, LYNNE

• 163 Anne // May 7, 2008 at 1:39 pm

  (CANADA) Hey all it’s been a while since I wrote but I have been reading the messages daily. Leonie sorry for all the pain that you’re going through I honestly can’t imagine what you’re going through. Like Lynne, I didn’t know what to tell you so I just prayed for you and your husband. Please continue praying and asking God to give you a forgiving heart because unforgiveness and bitterness will destroy you. I can imagine it’s not easy, but we’re all praying for you. You can read the messages on BITTERNESS AND FORGIVENESS on this site; they’re helpful. Read Jeremiah 29:11-14 and keep those words in mind. Love you girl and you’re in my prayers.

  Andrea please listen to what Lynne said and all the others. Don’t file for divorce, it’s not God’s plan. We’ve all been there wanting to give up and quiting but that’s not God’s plan trust me. God has a great plan for you. It takes a lot of patience, faith and perseverance to wait for God to do His work. Pray for that. I went through that period; we all have. It’s not easy, but keep in mind that you’re waiting for God to open the doors for you. You’re in my prayers both you and your husband. You’re not walking alone Jesus is right beside you.You can also read Jeremiah 32:27.

  Lynne and Amber, I hope you’re both doing well. How are things now? I always pray for you and your spouses. As for me, things are slowly getting better. God is truly opening doors for us. We haven’t talked about things but I know we will on the day the Lord has chosen. Today is our 3rd year anniversary and I cried to God in thanksgiving because I remembered when I didn’t think we’d get to our 3rd year because my husband wanted out of the marriage. We are talking to each other nicely and getting along well. God is truly faithful and I know more doors are yet to open.

  I wouldn’t have gone through any of this without all of you and you’re prayers. I honestly thank God for all of you. I continue praying that God will help me be a better wife than I was, and to change me to be the daughter He created me to be. I keep you all in my prayers love you all. Till later. God’s Blessings.

• 164 Leonie // May 8, 2008 at 4:00 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Everyone. All I can say is thank you. I have such a lot of love and friends praying for me and I am praying for all of you each day too. Thank you very much for your encouraging messages. It makes me cry every time I read it and it helps me get through the day. Our divorce is final on Monday. Please pray that our Lord gives me strength because this is something that He wants me to do. I am tired and asked God to help me rest in Him. I found out about another place to stay, so please help me pray that God comes through for me and my sons for this house. Thank you all once again. God Bless you and this site. It really is a God sent. Love you all lots…Leonie

• 165 Leonie // May 8, 2008 at 5:17 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) This is to all the mothers and the soon to be mothers.

  To the rejection, the hurt and the sleepless nights.
  To the wet pillows, the stress and the memories.
  To building a nation with your bare hands.
  To raising children to become responsible adults.
  To keeping men wondering what it takes to be as strong as you.
  To many more great times.
  Have a HAPPY MOTHERS DAY and may the good Lord bless you and keep you safe at all times.

  I have a prayer that I want to share with you all too. It goes like this:

  Dear Lord, it is hard when our kids grow up and slowly slip from being under our careful watch at all times. Lord, help me keep my eyes on You rather than my fears. Make me a wise mom not a fearful mom. In Jesus’ Name, Amen

  Love, Me

• 166 Dineo // May 8, 2008 at 6:46 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA [DURBAN]) Hello ladies, Firstly, I’d like to thank all of you for you input. I don’t know whether you’re all aware of it, but God is using each one of us through this magnificent website to carry His word through all the earth. The fact that we are sharing our experiences gives others in our situation courage to fight - even if all their strength is gone!

  I must say, I mightn’t have met any of you, but I feel so close to all of you. I guess it’s that we’re all riding in the same storm. You have no idea how all of you have helped me through my struggle for my very young family. I’ve learned so much just from the messages you all post.

  Last night, as I was praying and spending my quality time with God - I began reflecting on how far God had brought me! It’s actually strange how much I’ve grown spiritually. I must say, a lot of the messages have strengthened me. I also decided to commit myself to the Standers Affirmation [posted by LT a while ago]. Funnily enough, not even two hours later, the Pastor was preaching about standing up for your life - especially if you have nothing to lose!! I mean - talk about the working of the Holy Spirit! You see it was even more exciting because I’d prayed in the morning for God to speak to me concerning my marriage. And well - He was very faithful in assuring me that I was definitely doing the right thing!

  It’s so hard to love the not-so-lovely, but ladies, I’ve found that the more you express and show that love to your spouse - the less selfish you become. Lately, I’ve been telling my man that I love him -no matter what. Although I haven’t been getting any response - I am not torn apart. Somewhere, somehow I know God is working.

  I am so grateful for all of you. Leonie, please be strong. I know what you are going through - but you know what: "God will make a way, where there seems to be no way. He works in ways, we cannot see - He will make a way for you" [if you can, try and listen to that song -it's absolutely phenomenal and true!]

  To Andrea - I am praying for you and you husband. Did you check out the article on How to Save Your Marriage Alone? It can be done. Trust me, one day you will be telling millions of people about the POWER of God and how it transformed your marriage. LT and Lynne, thank you so much for all the advice -it seems like you speak from years of experience in this field! You both are a blessing in more ways than you realise.

  Ladies, whenever the enemy tries to attack you with dark, gloomy and hopeless thoughts about your marriage, just remember:

  "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

  See that - The LORD is near - take this and apply it to your situation. I love you all! In faith, Dineo

• 167 Anne // May 8, 2008 at 1:10 pm

  (CANADA) Hey all. Dineo thank you so much for that powerful message. You’re truly right, God has brought all of us together to be there for each, and for Him to speak to us through each other. I know what you’re going through as far as telling your husband that you love him and he doesn’t respond that’s the spirit to go with and don’t get discouraged.

  It will all be worth it when God opens the doors in your marriage. I’ll encourage you to read SACRED INFLUENCE. It just shows what God expects of us wives and how to draw our husbands closer to Him through our behaviour. Honestly, I loved it. Satan does try to destroy what we are building. Like with me, the lies of the enemy are reminding of things that I shouldn’t be thinking of. I’m praying a lot and asking God to help me forgive completely. But satan won’t destroy me; I’m standing strong with God. I love you all too ladies. You’ve all been so amazing.

  Leonie, thanks for your message to be strong. And remember, God loves you more than anybody else ever will. Trust Him and I’ll pray you get that place love you.

• 168 LT // May 8, 2008 at 2:30 pm

  (USA) Hi Leonie, Thanks so much for the lovely Mother’s Day thoughts. How beautiful!! Wishing you all a happy mother’s day!!

  Dineo, thanks for the response you gave me to one of the things I posted to you (I think it was on another page of the website). My only real significant thought/response to your situation was that you needed to tell some of the Christians in your church and/or your pastor about a woman right in their midst, committing adultery with your husband. Ick - I still get the creeps just thinking about that. I expect that of the world, but not of Christians. It’s one thing if the person is trying to overcome, but you said not only is she not trying to overcome or repent, she’s actually rejoicing in her sin. Yikes, I have to stop thinking about that - it really makes me ill. It "grieves me in my spirit," as the Bible says. (I think that was either Paul or Jesus, that those words were describing; that they felt that way at times).

  Well, as you said, you already told some of the people in your church. So…..you’ve done your part. If they choose to turn a blind eye to it, then well that’s their sin. And it is a sin, but it’s possible they are doing so out of ignorance [of the scriptures] so I can’t judge (I don’t have the right to anyway). I would say that if you haven’t told your pastor, however, you should do that since God has charged him with the flock. If he knows, then my honest thought was (after reading your last post), find a new church. Because that just isn’t right for Christians to ignore something that grievous.

  Did you read the verse I sent you about Paul talking to the Corinthian church? I mean, from the tone of that chapter, he sounded REALLY upset and disappointed. He was not taking that lightly. I had the same reaction when I read what you wrote about your situation.

  Leonie - I’ve been praying very fervently about a new home for you. I hope this potential new house you have found, turns out to be the one. But even if it isn’t, I know God will work out something for you. I continue to pray for that for you.

  My sisters, I continue to pray for all of you. May God keep us strong, encourage us (through the Holy Spirit and through each other) and bless us.

  Well - that’s all I wanted to comment on. Hope you all enjoy the upcoming weekend! With love, LT

• 169 Leonie // May 9, 2008 at 7:03 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA (CAPE TOWN)) Hi All my friends and sisters in Christ, It is the weekend again. Please pray for my boys and me that we will have a peaceful weekend with no drunks around us. And pray for me, for strength on Monday.

  Have a blessed Mother’s Day everyone. Enjoy your blessings that God gave you. They are special. I know my 3 kids are. I love you all very much and am praying for all of you too. Love Me…….xxxxxxx

• 170 LYNNE // May 10, 2008 at 5:41 pm

  (USA) Everyone, You all have a wonderful Mother’s Day as well. Those thoughts were very beautiful Leonie. How is the new home search going? Is this new place working out? and how are your boys doing?

  Anne, How are you and Steve doing? Did you all get a chance to talk? I am doing so great thanks for asking. Things have just been so busy lately. My little guy has two teeth now and he’s not been feeling so good. The husband and I are squabbling a little bit tonight but not bad. We came to a compromise but neither one of us is extremely happy about it. We’re both stubborn. I really hope that you all are doing well.

  Dineo, I don’t know about your situations but if what I gather is correct you discovered your husband having an affair with another member of your church? You should Look up Matthew 18:15-20. This is when someone sins against you. If you’ve already confronted your husband and this woman, and you’ve already brought two or three "wittinesses" (fellow believers) with you; (sounds like you have) then according to the Bible LT is right, you need to let this be known to your entire congregation. If you’ve already confronted this sin against you with now avail. Then the bible says to confront it openly with your church. If you’re afraid of what people will think… Don’t be. Fear comes from the devil and is of the devil. You have nothing to fear but fear (the devil) itself. GOD will protect you. GOD will make this right but you need His help and the help of fellow believers.

  How easy it is to forget what is truly happening when fear is involved! Would you care what anyone thought if your husband was about to die and you had to do something embarrassing to save him? Would embarrassment stop you from saving his life? How about his soul? The devil is not humble and basks in the battles he wins, but his greatest arsenal is that people humble him. They do not accredit is horrible deeds to him and give him the element of surprise in their lives. You, being afraid, is the devil using that fear to stop you from doing something about him tearing apart your life. TRUST GOD. Announce that you know what the devil is doing and fight. GOD will protect you! Do not let embarrassment stop you from saving your marriage and Standing up for what is right.

  When you stand up for what’s right you stand up in the name of the LORD. Do not let a LITTLE THING like fear stop you. It has not power compared to righteousness. Trust HIM! and your Fellow Christians will support you. Do not let fear stop you.

  Andrea, I am so sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. Please forgive me? Happy Mother’s day to you especially. You must be a really strong one.

  I Love you all very much and I do appreciate all of your prayers for my anger problem. They are really happening and so many others have noticed a change in me, most don’t exactly know what changed but they can tell it’s something. I am happy to testify that is the LORD changing my heart. Happy Mom’s day! Love, Lynne

• 171 LYNNE // May 13, 2008 at 6:33 am

  (USA) Hey everyone, Did everyone have a good Mother’s Day? Mine was fantastic. God truly has blessed me with a wonderful son and a wonderful mother. And yes, a wonderful husband as well. Praise be His.

  Anne how are you doing? I haven’t heard from you in a while now. Are things going well?

  Has anyone heard from Andrea? I’m really praying for ya girl, and I hope your doing ok.

  I also have 2 prayer requests if no one minds. First KJ wrote a message on this site that really reminded me of how hopeless a victim of sexual abuse can get. Pray that she is reminded how much the Father loves her and that He heals her pain. Please also pray for my cousin. She has a dangerous addiction to alcohol and her life is out of control. Pray that she can come back to church with me and that the Lord give her the Want to be rid of her addiction. Thank you all. Love, LYNNE

• 172 Anne // May 13, 2008 at 11:35 am

  (CANADA) Hey Lynne, I’m glad you had a great Mothers Day. I’m doing ok and things are getting better between my husband and me. I keep on praying for him and myself and thanking God for intervening and being so faithful. I know we have a lot to do and we are yet to talk, but I think we’ll do it when we go away this weekend. Please pray for us that the presence of the Holy Spirit will be with us and God will open our hearts to talk honestly and listen to each other. I still need to work on my anger towards the other woman because the thoughts do come and I pray about it. Just pray for me gal. I’ll remember your cousin in my prayers and also KJ. How you doing? Thanks a lot for all your prayers

• 173 Leonie // May 14, 2008 at 2:09 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Everyone, Thanks Lynne, I am trusting God for my place. He has promised me a place and a place He will give me. My boys are ok, our divorce was finalized on Monday. We are not married anymore. I was at home yesterday as well because my baby of 3 was not so well. My husband, my ex, went for a job interview and left his girlfriend with his mother in the house. I live in a separate entrance in the back of the house. I went to the shop with my baby and came back to find her sitting there. And there she was the whole day with his mother.

  God made me so peaceful, but I was worried about my eldest son, Kaino, because he was upset about it. When I was praying on Monday evening for him, the Holy Spirit showed me his heart. He has a lot of anger towards his father and this girl. I woke him up and the Holy Spirit spoke to him through me, telling him that he needs to tell his dad how he feels, to let go of his anger and forgive his dad. He told me he can’t forgive him for what he did. I am just praying constantly for my son.

  God made me realise that we as parents don’t really see what we are doing to our kids. But I know exactly what he is going through because I also come from that situation with my parents, bless their souls. But God changed them and in the end my father took care of my dying mother. I made peace with my dad, but only as a adult when God lead me to do it.

  I am so hurt for my boys, but I am praying constantly and reading the Word. God also showed me that my his mother wants to kill me with her curses and lies, but He gave me Deuteronomy 3:22 to read and I typed and pasted it on my wall in my room. I tell you girls that is the best thing I am doing now. I type scriptures and print it and paste it in my room, so that my boys can be exposed to the word all the time. My eldest son reads it all the time. Their father cannot handle it. The enemy cannot handle the scriptures that are pasted up in my room. Why I am saying that is that he asked me why I have all these things against my wall. I did not answer him. My salvation is personal and I don’t have to discuss it with the enemy. I am surrounded with the word all the time. I believe in God’s word, it is my hope and my everything.

  Thank all of you for loving and supporting me and especially for praying for me and my boys. I love you all, and I keep on praying for all of you too.

• 174 Lynne // May 14, 2008 at 8:52 am

  (USA) Leonie, I just read your comment and what an awesome idea. Keep doing what your doing and I’ll be praying for your boys and their family as well. I am so happy that the Lord brought you peace. I love you to girl!

  Anne, I am doing well thank you except for today I am angry with my husband. He’s been lazy the past couple of days and I don’t know how to handle myself. So I am just not answering my phone until I am ready to not be so angry. Please pray for me. Thank you and I’ll continue prying for your talk and that it may go well. Love ya, LYNNE

• 175 Sue // May 15, 2008 at 12:55 am

  (SA) Morning Ladies, it’s been a while since I have written, but I have been reading what each of you have written.

  My hubby and I have been through some very rough patches too, where we’ve been separated, although still living in the same house.

  We’ve been back together for almost 3 months now, and things are different between us, in a good way. Praise God for that, as it is only through HIS power that HE made the transformation and through God’s grace and HIM transforming both of us and our marriage. (My husband is not a child of God, although he does believe in God - there is a HUGE difference, as I am sure you all know). I have been praying for God to soften his heart, so that he can turn to God — that the power of the Holy Spirit will work in his heart, mind, body and soul. But that hasn’t happened YET! But it will!

  I have been struggling the last few days with very low-self esteem, and this is becoming evident to my husband too. Just after we got together again, my husband said that he could see a HUGE difference in me, and he liked it! But I feel (and he can see it) that I am slipping into the old emotional habits again (due to our past) and that will just drive him away again.

  I have prayed that God will keep my husband faithful (as this was a huge area of concern to me, as he has been unfaithful in the past). Does any of this make sense to anyone? I have been praying that the Lord will strengthen me and that satan will not place negative thoughts in my mind. I am struggling to stay positive. Last night we (my husband and I) were talking about marriage, and what the promise means, the day one makes on your wedding day (we were talking about other people - and not necessarily about us). And I said that a person had to keep to their vows no matter what - except for abuse - and he views it as "what happens if it doesn’t work out? Do you stay unhappy for the rest of your life" to which I replied, that is was a choice one made to make it work.

  I have been asking the Lord that HE would continue working within us and within our marriage. Please pray with me - as my husband sometimes gets a bee in his bonnet, and just wants to run from everything, and then packs up and leaves. Not that he has indicated in anyway that he has any intention of doing this, as this had been bound in Jesus Name. (It’s hard on the kids too.)

  May God bless each and everyone of you, and may HIS light shine upon you.

• 176 Dineo // May 16, 2008 at 1:50 am

  (SA) Good day ladies. It’s been a while since I posted. I trust you’re all well. I have been through quite a couple of troubles, and it’s been very difficult to just trust. Also, hello to Sue. I’m so happy that you and your husband are sorting things out.

  Leonie, I am glad that you’re beginning to find yourself and things are still going to be clearer for you! Now is the time to look up and look on. I am with you all the way (in prayers), although I would love to be in Cape Town right now. Hey, we’re in this together and all of us are holding thumbs for you. Don’t worry about a thing, remember that the husband you’ve gotten to know is so wealthy and He can supply ALL your needs!

  Ladies, please pray for me. I am so drained! I was being attacked by the "why do I even bother" syndrome! I am constantly confiding in God about how hopeless I am feeling and how weak I am, and I can’t manage. Neither can I carry this marriage on my shoulder’s anymore.

  However, PRAISE GOD because He is so faithful. He just reminded me of the passage in 2 Corinthians 4:7 - 11. I am so weak - but He really does sustain and strengthen me. A lot of people keep telling me that I am brave, courageous etc. And I just kinda look up and say “If only you knew what God had to go through just to convince me to trust Him!” He’s the brave one, because honestly, I was so stubborn and I didn’t want to surrender my marriage or my emotions etc to God.

  I believe the trials I went through and am still going through were put in my life so that He could get my attention! And now He has it all! I am so happy that I serve such a caring God, who would rather see me suffer, and save my soul - than to see me do my own thing and lose out on eternal life (and the countless blessings of walking in His presence every day!). I know He knows that it’s not exactly easy for me to give up my own will to do His. If it was difficult for Jesus, how much more me?!

  Oh, I feel like going on and on and on! But I won’t. God is really transforming our lives, please let’s not give up. We face all sorts of trials, but they make us better people, and they make us stronger women and mums. Most importantly, they bring us closer to God and that makes it all the more worthwhile. So even though things might not go the way we want them to, we should be confident that we did it His way, and we’ll be blessed just for that.

  Have a fabulous day!! Love y’all.

• 177 Sue // May 16, 2008 at 2:49 am

  (SA) morning Ladies, I am really down and out, as my husband is phoning old flames (ladies he’s messed around with in the past) again during the day. He left his job 2 weeks ago and can not stand his own company, and hates being at home alone. I’m at home, we’re together 24/7 and he never goes anywhere without me. He speaks to people on the phone in front of me (not these ladies though - just people in general). He’s loving, attentive and spoils me rotten.

  What gets to me is, that he has to seek this excitement from these other women. He chats and flirts with them - or he did in the past - which hurts me a lot. I have asked God to take control of this situation, because nothing I say or do will stop him from doing this. I truly believed that the Lord had stopped this, but I found out today, that he phoned 3 of them this morning. It hurts and it upsets me! Why ? Why? Why? Why, did God stop it for a while only and not permanently? I believe that the Holy Spirit has the power to intervene in our lives, and that with God NOTHING is impossible, no matter how big or small the problem it is.

  Please pray for us. I don’t want to go down this road AGAIN! I’m not good with words and expressing myself, but please let the Lord stop this, and remove these Jezebel’s from our lives, and that I won’t allow satan gain "this" in our lives! God brought us together for a reason, and satan will NOT get the pleasure of coming between us, no matter how much he tries. Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised! HE is the KING and through HIM "this" will not be an issue in our lives.

  Join me please in prayer, and that I will stand strong so that my husband can see that I am a child of GOD, and that the HOLY SPIRIT will enable my husband to see me with NEW eyes and visa versa. Thanks and enjoy your day!

• 178 Cindy Wright // May 16, 2008 at 7:41 am

  Hi Dineo, I’m so sorry to hear of your exhaustion in all that you are encountering in your marriage. It sounds heart-breaking and so very difficult to endure. My heart truly hurts for you… and with you.

  As I was reading your comment, the scripture verses kept coming to mind, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28). God has reminded me of these verses and the truth behind them often. I believe He wants you to remember them also and to live by these principles in what you are living through.

  I remember when my husband Steve and I were going through such difficult times in our own marriage, that God first pointed these verses out to me. I also remember using them when someone who married into my extended family was causing SO many serious problems. I had a hard time coping with what was going on. I remember crying out to God that I couldn’t take what was happening to our family anymore and that this person was more than I could bear to be with, or ever forgive.

  I remember crying in bed one night and the Lord reminded me of these verses and told me that this burden was not assigned for me to carry because the load was more than I was created to bear. He told me to think of every grievance I had against this person, and to think and mourn through everything this person had done which hurt me and my loved ones. He told me that as I grieved through each event, to put each one along with my tears in an invisible box… fill it to the top with all I could bring to mind. And then wrap it with a ribbon, tie it with a bow, and hand it to Him. It was my gift to Him (which seemed like a strange gift to give the Lord). He told me that even though it seemed strange, that I was to do it and then, and only then, would He would carry it for me and would deal with it. In exchange, He would hand me His peace (a pretty uneven exchange, if you ask me). But I did what He asked. And it worked. Afterwards, even though the circumstances hadn’t changed, I had renewed strength and hope for some reason beyond my understanding. I will always remember this exchange as one of the most loving and powerful examples of God’s love for me.

  I’m also reminded of the time when my mom was dying of cancer. It was so heart-breaking. My Dad and I were taking turns caring for her 24 hours a day near the end. And the end was so horrible. How I wish that no human being would ever have to go through what we did! I remember crying out to the Lord and saying, “This is too much! I can’t do this anymore. I can’t handle the pain or the responsibility of this. The burden is too heavy.” God brought those verses to my mind. He also caused me to look up at a watercolor I had painted for my parents several years before. In that watercolor I had printed the scripture, “Thou will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee; because he trusts in thee” (Isaiah 26:3). The Lord let me know that even though the pain was so horrible, and I felt so weak, I was strong in Him as long as my mind was “stayed” on Him and not upon what I couldn’t do by my human strength.

  I also remember when years before that, my sister was in labor with my niece. I was in the delivery room with her and my brother-in-law. When she was close to delivery, she had her husband rubbing her back to help ease her back labor, and she had me up close to her face coaching her. When the pain got so intense, the Lord prompted me to tell her to look into my eyes, that together we would get through this. We locked eyes and I coached her in breathing and in concentrating on what she needed to do. After my sweet niece was born, my sister said that it was amazing how when she looked into my eyes, it didn’t hurt as much. She saw the love and found the strength to push on. But she said that whenever she looked away, the pain became more than she could bear going through.

  The Lord has used that illustration and the other truths I just shared, to get through some pretty tough spots. When I feel overwhelmed, I am to give my pain and burden to Him and to keep my mind and my focus “stayed” upon Him. In exchange, He will give me whatever strength and insight I need to make it through the situation. He has never failed me yet!

  I hope you will pray and think about what I am saying. Open your Bible and pray through the scriptures He provides for you (The book of Psalms is especially good for this). Cry out to Him. Exchange your burden for His love, compassion, and strength. And keep listening for His guidance. He will help you to do that which He ordains for you to do. You can trust Him. He is faithful even when no one else is!

  I pray God’s blessing, strength, love, guidance, and hope into your life! Your sister in Christ, Cindy

• 179 Anne // May 16, 2008 at 12:27 pm

  (CANADA) Hey ladies, I hope you’re all doing well. Cindy, thank you so much for your testimony. I needed those verses. I’m going through another battle. God has really been faithful and my marriage is honestly getting better and that is what satan doesn’t want. Sue, I know what you’re going through coz no matter what I told my husband about staying friends with the woman he cheated on me with, he just doesn’t get it.

  He did say he would take care of it. I don’t know if he did coz we haven’t talked about it. But trust me, I know that pain and the frustration. Like you, I also wondered why isn’t God ending the friendship? As for me, that’s what satan is using against me. The thoughts I have are making me angry and the harder I pray the harder he attacks. I got so tired that I yelled at satan to leave me alone and that I will stand strong with God. I know God is helping me I just can’t see.

  I’m praying for this girl to know God and for God to surround her with Christian friends who will direct her to God, and for God to protect her from the evil plans of the enemy. Sue, I would suggest that you pray for this women and for your husband to have the willpower to flee from the lies of the enemy. That’s the best thing you’ll do. I’m doing that everyday and I know God will make a way but it’s not easy. Pray for me please to be able to wrap this and hand it over to God and to release all this angry feelings to Him.

  I’m reminded of the verse in James 4:7-8, “Submit then yourselves to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you.” Pray for my husband too, to flee from the lies of the enemy. We are going away this weekend and I know we’ll talk about things finally. Please pray for that too and that we’ll finally find healing.

  I have invited Jesus to the trip and asked Him to be there throughout and to protect us from the enemy. I want to be free from all these feelings. Only God can help me. Thanks a lot for all your support and prayers.

  Dineo, you’re truly right. God is using this time to help us grow and trust me, I feel so different. When i look back and remember what I’ve gone through, the pain was unbearable but what I have gained is so much. That’s truly the love of our Father. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Please don’t give up. That’s the plan of the enemy. God truly saves marriages. He has saved mine. Love you all. I will write when we get back. Thanks for your prayers. God bless. Love, Anne. Lynne, how you doing?

• 180 Andrea // May 16, 2008 at 1:47 pm

  (UNITED STATES) Hello Everyone. I’m sorry I have not posted anything in awhile. I am just a little burned out and….well, at a loss for words really. I want to start by saying thank you to each and everyone of you for sharing your testimonials and your words of wisdom. You have all been so inspiring to me and countless others I am sure. I love you guys for this!

  As far as my situation, I am truly fighting a spiritual battle right now, and to be sure I am losing. But there is still a part of me that refuses to give up. I haven’t quite come to terms with praying for my marriage…the hurt for me right now is too deep. But it’s not as though I don’t want my marriage to work out -I’m just conflicted as to why I would feel love for this man still.

  I know my situation is no where near as painful as some women’s on this site, but it is quite heavy for me right now. I just don’t know and I don’t trust any thought or feeling or intuition. Perhaps that’s why I can’t really pray. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know what God wants from me anymore. I don’t know and it’s scary because I am not sure why I have had such a sudden loss of faith… especially when I know for a fact that God has delivered me and protected me so many times before. I suppose I am just not sure if it was ever in God’s will to be married to this man. Even as I wrote that though… I honestly think I feel like I am supposed to be. But if this is true…WHY?

  With everything that is inside of me… I will continue to speak with God. And I will try to pray for the reconciliation of my marriage if it is God’s will. I will pray for clarity and true unconditional love and healing and purpose and strength… true strength and faith in the Lord and his purpose for my life. I will pray that God touches not only my heart but the hearts of all those hurt by the selfish actions of myself and my husband. With Love, Andrea

  P.S. I will also pray for all of you

• 181 Dineo // May 17, 2008 at 4:25 am

  (SA) Hello All, Hi Andrea. I just want to tell you that I totally understand the frustration you are experiencing with praying for your marriage. I went through the same thing, for a long time. I even got to the point where I point blank refused to even read my Bible or anything that remotely suggested that I pray. What I didn’t realise was that I was blocking God and I was shutting Him out of my heart. I know how it feels.

  But one remedy was for me to just sit all alone and tell God how much I hated the thought of praying for my Husband, and our marriage. I told Him everything that was going through my head, the frustration, confusion, hopelessness etc. That helped me incredibly. It took a LLLLOOONNNGGG time (hope you get my drift) for me to even begin praying properly for my marriage. We must guard ourselves against the tendency to rationalize, especially in our thoughts about our failing husbands (&consequently our marriages).

  Praying for someone who broke your heart is not easy, and I know that. But Andrea, if the hopelessness becomes overwhelming, just remember that what God has put together NO MAN shall separate. Read a promise or two, and just hold on to that. It’s beautiful because the only thing that will not change is those promises, and God Himself. We will go up and down, in a seemingly never ending roller coaster - but as for God and the Word, they are steady and unchanging. So it’s best we just trust in that.

  In the meantime, go out and treat yourself to a movie or something. Like today, my husband took the baby, and I was so stressed because I kept wondering whether "she" would be there. I prayed about it, and God told me to relax. So, I am going to have some MUCH NEEDED me time, and I am going to watch a movie all alone! It will be my first time ever (alone), but I really need it!

  I hope all you ladies will have a great weekend. And Cindy, thank you so much for that message. I prayed after reading it, and really, I have cast all by baggage unto Him, even those seemingly small packs (they have a bad habit of somehow growing into unbearable bales of sorrow after a while!). I know that I am not beating the air aimlessly concerning fighting for my marriage. I just know that God is already bringing things together. It’s amazing because there’s no tangible evidence if that happening. It’s just the trust I have in Him. God is faithful, and He will not let me down, and if not me (because I am human, and a terrible sinner-so I am prone to err), He definitely won’t let Himself down.

  Hope you will all enjoy your weekend and may God continue to work. Just a thought for us as we have started fighting for our marriages, we must be CONFIDENT of this, that He who has begun a GOOD work in us [&our marriages, families, hearts, etc] will carry it to completion! So, do not dismay - God never starts something He will not FINISH! So we must be the same in Spirit. Lets run this race and COMPLETE it - we will receive our crowns! God bless you all abundantly In faith, Dineo

• 182 Sue // May 19, 2008 at 5:19 am

  (SA) Hi Ladies, I hope you all had a nice relaxing weekend. My hubby & I spent the weekend alone together with his family and friends - but no kids - which was nice and gave us some time together - to a certain degree.

  Anne, thanks for the advice. I know that it is satan that is trying to come between us. I know that he is using it against us, as I am praying for Gods’ strength and wisdom and transformation in our marriage. But some days he just makes it so much harder, cos I allow satan to take control. Which I know is wrong and NOT of GOD’S plans, but it’s not always so easy. Please pray that I will continue to grow in my faith and that I will stand strong and firm. Pray that God WILL and CAN transform our marriage. HE brought us together, therefor I feel that HE has a plan for us as a couple for the future.

  Thanks to all of you, for your encouragement! Like Andrea, I understand the down and weary feeling, as this comes, when we allow satan to have that stronghold on us, but we must stand up and SHOUT it from the mountains that we are HIS chosen children, and that satan has no claim over us, as we are washed by Jesus’ blood. Enjoy your day. Much love, Sue

• 183 Lynne // May 19, 2008 at 7:18 am

  (USA) Hey Ladies, Sorry it’s been awhile since I’ve been on. My family is passing around a very unpleasant flu bug. I just read all of the posts since then however, and I must say. Cindy, Wow what you wrote was awesome. It really reminded me of situations in my life where the Lord gave me strength, and when he used me to give strength. I never quite looked at it like that before though. HUH! That’s really cool.

  Andrea, Sweetie what is happening to you and your faith right now is not something of insignificance so please don’t consider your situation unworthy of attention in comparison to others. You’re hurting right now and I know what that is like. We all do. You’re stronger than you realize, God made you that way for a reason.

  You were questioning why God gave you this man as your husband. God does everything with for a purpose. Maybe he didn’t give this man to you. Maybe he gave you to this man. Maybe he is trying to use you to guide your husband. Whatever His reasons were/are TRUST HIM. I know how hard that is right now but believe Him and Trust him. Check out Matthew 11:28 as Cindy suggested previously. If you bring this burden to him he will give you rest and you wont have to question or be in waiting. You are having a hard time praying now because you’re at that point where your either going to surrender it (fully) or not. Trust Him and let God have it.

  Andrea my heart has cried those same cries. I truly understand how hopelessness feels. I don’t know if you’ve read everything I’ve posted on here about my own struggles but I am truly blessed to have found such a great support network here. God brought me to this site. I never imagined that my marriage could have survived all it has. We got married very quickly, eloped, just like you all did and had a reception at the in-laws similar to yours. So don’t think because of how you all married that your marriage never had a chance because I used to blame that too. Marriages need to be built on GOD. He needs to be the foundation. Regardless of any of the circumstances surrounding a marriage as long as it has a good foundation the union will succeed. Andrea, how is your foundation? Don’t turn away from God now because you feel alone; there is only one set of footprints now because he is carrying you. I love ya girl and I hope you can feel what I say.

  Anne, I am doing great girl. Thanks for asking. My husband and I have been getting into a bunch of little fights lately but we’ve been resolving them quite quickly. God is good, he truly is. I know that you’re still worrying about this "friendship" but that’s the devil. Look at all the positives: they’re not working together, you all are in the same room now, your husband WANTS to work on things. Those are examples of GOD at work.

  I know it’s hard because every time my husband wants to hang out with his group of friends I always wonder if someone else is going to be there (the girl he was attracted to). I’ve yet to hand that to Him yet, but I will. So far I’ve been brought along so it hasn’t been an issue yet. I love ya girl, and I’ll keep you and your hubby in my prayers as always.

  Ladies I continue to pray for you all. Love ya, Lynne

• 184 Andrea // May 19, 2008 at 9:22 am

  (UNITED STATES) Hello Everyone! How is everyone? I am glad to see everyone is hanging in there and standing for their marriages! Your words are all very encouraging. I have some rather happy news to report. Yesterday God touched my heart and answered my prayers. I was told that I was to stand, and stand firm, for the healing of my marriage. I know that I must, and I can do this alone. It’s so funny that you wrote that perhaps I was given to my husband, Lynne, to bring him to God. This very thing was revealed to me this past summer… but I did not act on it accordingly.

  I am grateful for the answer to my prayers. There were so many signs of what I was supposed to do, but I suppose I wanted to wallow in the depths of despair for just a moment longer. God, all along, has been trying to draw me (and my family) closer to him, and I know that what is God’s will, shall be done… and He most certainly will remove all distractions to get the job done. Most importantly though, God is strengthening me for the betterment of those around me. He knows, and so do I (now), that I must be secure in my own faith and understanding of God if I am to be of service to my family. I can’t do my job, which I know he has brought us together for the purpose of serving him, without the proper training. It’s like any job you are assigned, you must first know what the task is and how to do it. I hope I am making sense to all of you….

  With those words I encourage you all to listen carefully to what God is trying to tell you (right now); why are you facing these circumstances, perhaps the answer is not so convoluted or hidden from view, as you think (or I once thought) perhaps it was revealed to you before but burden after burden have rendered it almost completely hidden or at least unrecognizable. It’s amazing the clarity the Lord provides, but what’s even more amazing is when he gives it to you… exactly when you need it. I have to lol at circumstances at least while I can, (I know you guys understand that) because the devil is a LIE and oh so desperate and pathetic. But we must realize that we give him his power, without us he is actually nothing at all considering that GOD is everything and everything is God.

  But OK, I won’t go off the deep end, on this post. I just feel so wonderful. I took the advise of putting all my burdens in a box and handing them over to God, and GLORY to God, my spirit is lightened and prayer and joy are in abundance in my heart and spirit. I must admit I was more than a little skeptical at first. I was almost sure it was not going to work, but I figured I had nothing to lose. And I suppose I had a mustard seed of faith and well, I am sure you guys can see a difference in my attitude!

  I won’t keep you all reading much more of this, but trust in God ladies, trust in the gift or gifts he has given you and follow the purpose God has revealed in your life….

  Do not be afraid to lay your burdens down and don’t be afraid to ask for big things from our God, remember our God is a mighty God and big is what God does best…

  Think Big, Dream Big, Love Big
  Think God, Dream God, Love God….

  Andrea

• 185 LT // May 19, 2008 at 12:43 pm

  (USA) Hi Andrea, that post is AWESOME! I LOVE spiritual insights and when God shows things to people - the way out of the hole.

  I really took that to heart, too, because I think there were probably bits and pieces of what you’ve learned and gone through that are for all of us in some small way so I hope God gives us all the eyes to see which parts of what you (and others) write are for us.

  Anyway- I found your post VERY wonderful, inspiring and uplifting.

  The one thought I had to one of your posts - your thoughts on how your marriage started out (i.e., did God bring you two together, etc.) - well I hear that a lot from married people and it’s a normal reaction. And let’s face it - there ARE marriages out there where you KNOW God did not arrange them (like two people who are already married, having an affair, eventually dumping the spouse to marry each other - NOT of God) but I believe the way to look at it is this: regardless of why/how you got married, once you (either spouse) becomes a Christian and brings God into the marriage, that marriage then belongs to God and the past doesn’t matter.

  It’s like with sin - once you see it, confess it and repent; it’s forgiven. It’s erased. Once you bring God into a marriage, the past circumstances are erased.

  I wish I’d known that a LONG time ago. I spent WAY too long focusing on how I thought my marriage was began in selfish reasons (on my part) and wallowed in that, for lack of proper information, so I’d like anyone reading this and wondering about how your marriage got started (whether it was right or not), it doesn’t matter after you bring God into the picture. He is the master at cleaning up our messes isn’t He? Anyway - thanks, Andrea, for writing. Love to all, LT

• 186 Lynne // May 19, 2008 at 1:21 pm

  (USA) Andrea, Praise God! You’re awesome! I knew you’d get there. If you need someone to help with your "training" if you will, please call your pastor or start with Cindy and/or Steve? They’ve helped so many already and get started right away because the devil will be trying to discourage you. If God has told you what you need to do than by all means pursue that with all your might. I pray you learn what you need to be a planter and water-er, and I pray protection on you from the devil’s pathetic attempts to discourage you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. Love Ya. Love, Lynne

• 187 Sue // May 20, 2008 at 12:42 am

  (SA) Morning all, LT you said something that really touched my heart, and it is something that I thought I had done, inviting God into my marriage. When I read what you wrote, I realised, that I didn’t allow HIM to come in completely, and that is the reason why I am still worrying about things that I have given to GOD. Thanks.

• 188 Leonie // May 20, 2008 at 11:45 pm

  (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Ladies, It has been a while…..was just very busy with my boys having the flu. But I am back now. How is everybody doing? I pray that you are all blessed.

  I am doing ok, My in-laws (ex) told me to move on Saturday. They don’t want me and the boys there any longer. I don’t have a place yet, but I trust God and I know that He is preparing a place for me and the boys and that we will be moving in soon. Their father was also involved in this because he and his mother discussed it beforehand.

  It is fine, God gave me peace. I just have to repent about pride, because I don’t greet his mother anymore and I repent about it. I will start greeting her again from today. You see her son and his girlfriend want to move into the place me and the boys are staying in and that is why they want us out. But it is still ok.

  You all know the story of Samson. Well, he sinned against God and when he stood there between the pillars, God showed him something even though his eyes were removed. God still made everything work out to His favor. Everyone of the people that Samson had to kill were in the arena and God had a divine setup in place. It would have taken Samson 52 years to kill everyone that God wanted him to, but God got them all together in one place in one day and in one moment He killed them all.

  I just want to give you some encouragements today with the following: THE STORY OF THE THREE TREES

  Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, "Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty."

  Then the second tree said, "Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull."

  Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me."

  After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said, "This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter" and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest.
  At the second tree a woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree, I should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.

  When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, "I don’t need anything special from my tree so I’ll take this one", and he cut it down."

  When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for.

  The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end. The third tree was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark. The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams.

  Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree.

  The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.

  Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn’t think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and he stood and said "Peace" and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.

  Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it.

  When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

  The moral of this story is that when things don’t seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, He will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined.

  We don’t always know what God’s plans are for us. We just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best. Jeremiah 29:11

  Have a great day! Be blessed and don’t stop praying for me and my boys please. I am praying for all of you. Love you all.

• 189 Lande // May 21, 2008 at 5:44 am

  (NAMIBIA) Hi to all you ladies. This is my first time submitting a comment. I’ve been reading some of your comments which are truly amazing. I’ve discovered my husband had an affair for 2 months. This totally destroyed my life as we were happily married for 10 years. I could not believe it, cause I knew he loved me very much. I felt I had nothing to live for, not even my 2 kids.

  A friend of mine referred me to this Pastor. He helped me to realise that I needed God in my life. I’ve accepted Jesus as my Saviour and since then I’ve been praying to God to bring my husband back to me. He returned, but things are very difficult at the moment. I pray and talk to God every moment I can. He has done so much for me and my kids, I will never stop going to Him. My favorite verse that keeps me going is Mark 9 v 23: Jesus said to him: If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes. Have a blessed day.

• 190 Lynne // May 21, 2008 at 9:29 am

  (USA) Lande, Hello and it’s very nice to meet you. I read your post and I must say Praise the Lord, God is Good! Welcome to the truth that is Jesus. You’re in great company. It makes my heart sing when someone accepts Jesus into their hearts. I know I’ll get to see them and you in heaven. The verse you used was beautiful.

  Continue praying for your husband and your relationship. It’s not over just because he’s physically back. Have you checked out the surviving infidelity link on this site? There is some awesome information in there on how to handle the awkwardness. Yeah, things are going to be tense for a while and you’ll both be walking on egg shells for some time to come. I pray that He gives you strength and protects you from the devil’s pathetic attempts at wavering you. Is your husband a believer? Even if he is not, might I suggest that you invite him to meet with you and your pastor? If he’s not the type to go, maybe you could invite your pastor over for dinner with your family and talk afterwards? (And he will make you fishers of men.) Talking to someone made you realize the truth and gave you peace it’ll probably do the same thing for him.

  I will pray for that, and for your two babies. It’s so nice meeting you and congratulations on your salvation. It’s the most wonderful thing there is. Love ya. Love, LYNNE

  P.S Leonie what a beautiful story. You’re so right. God does have a plan for you and your boys and He will provide for you. I love you girl. Your family will be in my prayers always. Keep your head up!

• 191 LT // May 21, 2008 at 12:08 pm

  (USA) Hi Leonie, I’ll pray some more for a new home for you and the boys. Thanks for the update and a very special and hearty thanks for your story - I REALLY love that!

  It came at the perfect time for me. I’m having a rough couple of weeks in my own marriage and have been getting lots of little messages here and there - yours was the latest. Keep my and my family in your prayers. I’m just feeling my way through (blindly, it feels, most of the time) like all the rest of you lovely ladies.

  What I "wish" for (like the trees), most of all is to be able to have a conversation with my spouse and not wonder whether or not it will end nicely or in another round of my husband yelling profanities at me and getting angry and wanting to leave, because of something I said. Subjects that are too touchy and I think he takes things too personally, even though I keep an even tone of voice most of the time and, as far as I know, speak without disrespect. The worst is when you’re just blindsided with it all together. Your evening it going along nicely and you actually can talk to your spouse and then, whammo, everything hits the fan, almost out of nowhere. Since we have our own activities during the day, obviously after bedtime for our son is usually the only time for "deep" discussion. I so crave that (I seem to be finding my girlfriends less and less communicative), yet it seems the one thing that still eludes me and us, as a couple. For now, I’m just going to do all my "deep talking" to God and in my spiritual journal. It’s not quite as good or the same, but it’s still better than nothing. Perhaps that is God’s will right now, anyway.

  Do any of you ever wonder if God only meant marriage conversations to be "pleasantries" and nothing deeper? I crave deeper conversation but have to wonder if I’m just wanting that based on the "world’s" version of love shown through movies, etc. Do any of you ever wonder about that, and, better yet, have any insights/answers you feel led to share?

  There is a verse in the Bible that talks about time being short and living as though you had no spouse. I Corinthians 7:29, I think. The idea is that when you have a spouse and, particularly, when things are strained, it can be an opportunity for Satan to come in and once that happens the focus on God becomes less. And since time is short, the idea is to just move on and not focus on it as much. Focus on God, regardless of whether life is picture perfect or not. SO…..that verse seems to resonate with me a lot lately. Anyway - blah blah blah - that’s what’s puzzling me lately.

  I’m currently reading "Not I, But Christ" by Corrie ten Boom and it is SOOO wonderful. She has such serious insights. I’m probably going to post some quotes from that soon - I know you all will really like them!! I sure do!!

  Thanks for all your posts! With love, LT

• 192 Anne // May 21, 2008 at 8:24 pm

  (CANADA) Hey all. I’ve just read all your posts and they’re all wonderful. Andrea you definitely sound cheerful and I’m so happy for you. As for me, I am not doing great. This just happened about two hours ago. I told you all what I’ve been going through and I’ve been praying.

  Lynne, what you said was true. There are positive things that God has truly done and I wrote all of them in my journal and that helped. When my husband picked me up from work he got a txt and he said there’s something up with his cell. He took it apart and I asked him who the txt was from. He said it didn’t show. (Our cells always show.) All that it showed was 26 txt messages. Honestly, I was there and really doubted he was being honest and that changed my mood.

  When we got home he asked what was wrong and I said nothing. He asked me again and he told me he could see something was wrong so I told him what I thought and he got mad. He asked me if I thought it was Christina (the other gal) and I said I didn’t know but that’s what I suspected. As you can imagine, that was the end of a good evening. I left and went to the room and I don’t know where the tears came from but I just cried and I prayed and asked God what the truth is when it comes to this situation.

  A while ago he asked me if this is how our marriage will be like? We talked or rather argued for a bit and he told me what frustrates him is when he sees there’s something wrong, I don’t say (a habit I’m working on). I just said sometimes it’s easier and it avoids arguments.

  Well, we were to talk today and we were gonna go for coffee. I wonder, we were talking and laughing before all that, and now we are in separate rooms. He’s watching TV and I’m writing this. I wonder is all this satan’s plan? What is the truth? I know I’m having a hard time trusting him. Anything he does that seems odd, I just get all worked up and keep it to myself. I don’t wanna fight about this anymore. How am I supposed to express to him how I feel, without him getting all upset about it? We’ve been getting along so great and now this? I hope we’ll be able to talk nicely without arguing coz I’m tired of feeling like I have to be on guard all the time. I guess I wonder what God’s plan is. I know He has one. Please pray for us. Thank you.

  Lande, I know the feeling but trust me, keep on praying and pray that you may be able to forgive both of them. That’s what I need. I’ll pray for you. It won’t be easy all the time, but don’t give up, God has a plan for your marriage. Nothing is impossible with Him.

  LT, I’ll keep you and your husband in my prayers. You’ve really helped me with great advice and God has way out for all us. I’m just glad He brought all of us together. Love you all in my prayers always.

• 193 LYNNE // May 22, 2008 at 7:25 am

  (USA) Hey Ladies, Good morning to you all. I guess some have not slept very well. Anne, Girl, It was the devil tearing you guys down. Things have been going well and the devil hates that. Also Anne, maybe you need to sit Steve down and talk to him about your trust issues. He needs to understand that how things are now, is not going to be how your marriage is going to always be. However he needs to earn your trust back. That is not something that is going to happen over night and I am sure he’ll understand that. It takes a long time to build trust, it only takes a moment to betray that trust, and it takes even longer to re-build trust.

  Ask him how he’d feel if the tables were turned and you’d betrayed his trust in you? It’s ok to let him know that he’s going to have to make an effort to gain your trust again. Some of the things he’s been doing well… it’s not hard to see how those help keep the situation going, and keep you insecure. It’s ok to tell him that you’re still insecure. It’s not like this happened years ago now. I am sure he’ll understand that it’s going to take some time and effort. It’ll be ok Anne, God has got the both of you in his hands right now and I believe that you’ll both be ok. I pray protection over you and your husband from the attacks of satan.

  LT, You are my girl. When I first posted on this site in a most desperate hopeless moment, you were the first person who responded. You told me what I need to hear to keep going then. Do you remember what you said to me? You told me to draw closer to GOD and my light would shine through in my spouse in time. That has stayed with me ever since then because you were so right.

  Did you read the Emotionally Distant Husband article and/or book? LT, what your husband is doing when he snaps at you or yells profanities, is a method of deterrence. He doesn’t want to deal with whatever issue you’re addressing so he causes a fight or does something to distract you from the issue. It’s a method of avoiding emotions and dealing with emotions. Revisit that article. It explains it much better. What I am saying is LT, don’t take it to heart when he says hurtful things, but don’t tolerate being disrespected. Let him know in a respectful way that he’s hurting your feelings and leave it at that.

  I love you so much Anne, & LT. You two have really been a contributing factor to the survival of my marriage thus far. I know that the only reason you all are having troubles right now is because the devil hates that you are helping others (like me) save their marriages too. So he’s attacking your own to distract you both. I am so happy for both of you because these pathetic attempts have no comparison to the great strides your marriages and faith have made. Focus on the positive and stay focused on the your faith and relationship with HIM. I love all of you. LOVE, LYNNE

• 194 Anne // May 22, 2008 at 10:51 am

  (CANADA) Hey Lynne thanks a lot for your words. What happened yesterday was truly the work of the enemy. Last night my husband switched off his cell then today in the morning, after he left for work, my cell kept on ringing and it showed my hubby’s number. I figured that there’s something up with his cell coz even when I tried to dial his number it wouldn’t go through. That’s when I thought of yesterday and I wondered, was he being honest?

  Anyway he called me and told me that his cell kept on dialing the number that he last called and the txt messages showed that they came from his cell. It showed his number. At that moment I realised what had happened. Last night I spent time with God and I was honest with Him and told Him how I felt about the whole situation –how afraid I am of trusting my husband and how I feel about the other gal and how much hatred I have.

  I cried and opened up to Him and just said I’m willing to forgive my husband and Christina but I don’t know how. I listed all the things that my husband has done that are making me angry even when things are going great. I tell you, I realised there’s a lot I haven’t forgiven. I just asked Him to guide me through the whole thing. I asked God to show me the truth about the situation that happened last evening. This morning when my husband left without even saying goodbye, I knew he was still upset. Then I just prayed and asked God whether I made a mistake last evening and if I did, I need to know. That’s when the whole cell thing happened and I realised my insecurities and lack of trust led to all that. I saw how I fell into satan’s trap coz I thought of all the feelings I’ve been going through. And I saw how he’s trying to destroy what God is building and restoring. I asked God to forgive me and to guide me through all this.

  I know we need to talk and that’s what I’ve been trying to do, but he did tell me that we’d talk tonight. I know he has to gain my trust coz honestly, I don’t like doubting everything that he does. Just pray for me gal, to know and be able to forgive them. I won’t let satan win. Thanks Lynne. Love you gal.

  LT, Lynne has said something that’s very true. You’ve been there for me/us so much. I prayed for you last night. Actually I prayed for all of us women to have the strength of God and to have perseverance and patience. I also prayed for our husbands a lot. LT, the way you feel the need to have that deep talk with your husband is normal. We women love that. To me, talking brings healing. Just ask God to guide you. He has all the answers. Like Lynne said, men have it rough when something is hurting them they never want to face it. We’re the opposite of that. Just don’t give up girl. He has a great plan for you and He has helped you grow spiritually so much.

  It’s not an easy road but God knows all that has happened in our lives. He already knew and knows the challenges and the pain we face. The best thing is that He has the answers. All we need is to seek them from Him. We love you and you’re in our prayers you can read Deuteronomy 31:8. Love you all and thank you for your prayers. Pray for our talk tonight. I’m not canceling it for anything.

• 195 Lynne // May 22, 2008 at 12:22 pm

  (USA) Anne, That is awesome! I’ll be in prayer for your talk. Love ya! Hey has anyone heard from Andrea?

• 196 Andrea // May 22, 2008 at 11:19 pm

  (UNITED STATES) Hello Everyone! First I want you all to know my prayers are with you! I love each and everyone of you! You are all remarkable courageous women and you inspire me to be not only a better woman, but a better person all around!

  Landi! Hello and welcome! I know right now you are going through a tough time, but as anyone on here can tell you, it will get better, then worse, then ok, then great, then worse…etc…you get the picture? The main thing you can do right now is strengthen your relationship with God and ask for guidance. This can be accomplished through prayer…even if you don’t know what to pray nor have the desire ( a situation I found myself in) God will find a way to deliver his message to you!

  Leoni! I am praying for you and your boys… You have a keen sense of understanding, so I am confident you are keeping God and your boys close to your heart throughout this ordeal. Your faith will see you through.

  Anne! It is so good to hear (read) your words again! I missed your posts and have been wondering how you are doing! I am sorry to hear that the devil is up to its old tricks again, but we all know that is to be expected…it’s just amazing how the devil (always) manages to sneak a quick one in on us… I think it absolutely necessary that you take Lynn’s advise and talk to your husband about your trust issues with him. You’ve every right to voice your concerns. At the same time I do caution you against wanting an answer an explanation for everything that hurts your heart. Some things are better left unasked and unanswered, especially if you’ve made a conscious decision to move forward. Give your husband the opportunity to be forgiven, while you give him the opportunity to earn your trust…a very hard task indeed…

  For LT, (and everyone) have you ever read "An Outrageous Commitment: The 48 Vows of an Indestructible Marriage"? It is an awesome book! I recommend that each night, even if you have to read it aloud as your husband falls asleep, you read a commitment (out loud to your husband) they give a lot of insight to how men and women view things differently The setting of the book is awesome, it’s about Adam and Eve and how they work through their marriage problems (similar to our own) with the help of God.

  I also suggest again "The five Languages of Love", this is dealing with how best to communicate love to your spouse…very insightful. I don’t think God intended our marriages to be devoid of deep connections, in fact I believe he wanted the exact opposite. Our spouses, I believe, God intended to not only be a reflection of us but also a compliment to us. In our highly individualized secular world, this sort of harmony, the original nature of marriage, is hard to find. That does not mean that is not what was intended, nor does it mean it is not attainable, we must work harder to get it is all. Your relationship with your husband can, given time, patience, prayer, practice, love, and faith, be everything you’ve dreamed and more. It can be a reflection of your relationship with God personified, minus the perfection (lol) but you both must have unyielding hearts and minds (that’s what takes the time) …and for that we must pray diligently.

  Lynn!!! How are you girl! I hope all is well, I just want to thank you for being the rock for us right now in our many moments of crisis! Thank you so much for being there for me when I really needed someone, a spiritual hug (LT too!), and a reminder that there is still hope! I pray everything is going well with you and the many lessons you are learning!

  To everyone, again thank you all. As you can tell from my posts, I am rather cheery these days…and it is not because I have reconciled with my husband. I have not. And in fact there is no indication of that happening anytime in near future…but what has changed is my focus and perspective. I am now viewing all of this as my own personal blessing. This is my journey towards fulfillment and joy, and God has not steered me wrong yet, why start doubting him?

  Do not get me wrong, the pain and anger are still embers in my heart, but I am learning to trust God more, to open up to God more, to rely on God more, to just be….and to be satisfied with just being what it is he intended me to be. I am also learning to listen to God. He speaks rather clearly to me, I just don’t always listen or try to re-interpret what it is he has said to me. (Lynn, our discernment discussion really made me think.) The story of the trees really hits home for me. God really and truly does give us what we ask for, if not directly then most certainly he gives us the opportunity to get what we asked for. God truly is wonderful.

  I would write more ladies, but I am sooooo pooped….lol…I will pray for you all! Keep God on your speed dial, Andrea

• 197 Leonie // May 23, 2008 at 3:15 am

  (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Ladies. I was feeling a bit down this morning about everything that is going on in my life, but my sister encouraged me again so in Our Saviour, I feel better now. Thanks for everybody’s love and prayers for me and my boys. I love all of you and Cindy, I thank God for this website it is really a blessing. God bless you Cindy and each and everyone of you.

  I just want to give everyone a little inspiration today. My sister always gives me this scripture: Deuteronomy 3:22. Here is a story for you once again. Enjoy.

  A teacher in New York decided to honour each of her seniors in High School by telling them the difference each of them had made. She called each student to the front of the class one at a time. First, she told each of the how they had made a difference to her and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon, imprinted with gold letters, which read, “Who I am makes a Difference.”

  Afterwards, the teacher decided to do a class project, to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
  She gave each student three more blue ribbons, and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honoured who, and report to the class in about a week.

  One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company, and honoured him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like for you to go out, find someone to honour, and give them a blue ribbon.

  Later that day, the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had a reputation of being kind of a grouchy fellow. He told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon, and give him permission to put it on him. His boss said, “Well, sure.” The junior executive took one of the blue ribbons and placed it right on his boss’s jacket, above his heart. And then he asked, offering him the last ribbon, “Would you take this extra ribbon, and pass it on by honouring somebody else? The teenager who gave me these is doing a school project, and we want to keep this ribbon ceremony going and see how it affects people.”

  That night the boss came home and sat down with his 14 year old son. He said, “The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office, and one of my employees came in and told me he admired me, and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I am a creative genius. Then he put a blue ribbon on me that said, “Who I am makes a difference.” He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honour. As I was driving home tonight I started thinking about who I would honour with this ribbon, and I thought about you. I want to honour you. My days are hectic and when I come home, I don’t pay a lot of attention to you. I yell at you for not getting good enough grades and for your messy bedroom. Somehow tonight I just wanted to sit here and well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You’re a great kid, and I love you.”

  The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he could not stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, “Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom, explaining why I had taken my life, and I asked you to forgive me. I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just didn’t think that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs. I don’t think I’ll need it after all.”

  His father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of anguish and pain.

  The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch,