I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?
Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you. But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?
The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.
If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Instead say:
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.
If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves—can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.
There is a time for everything, it says in the Bible. and it ’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.
Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words can not be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.
The above article came from the book, “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. It was published by Harvest House www.harvesthousepublishers.com. This is one of my (Cindy’s) favorite books! As Stormie said it so well: “I can think of no better way to truly love your husband than by lifting him up in prayer on a consistent basis. It is a priceless gift that helps him experience God’s blessings and grace.”
Putting everything else aside, there is nothing we can do for our husband that is as important as praying for him. This book gives you the inspiration and practical help to do just that. Every woman who desires a closer relationship with her husband will appreciate this refreshing look at the power of prayer in marriage, as discussed in this book. Along with real-life illustrations. Stormie also includes sample prayers and “power tools” —verses that inspire and encourage—to help wives rest in the assurance of God’s wonderful promises of restoration, renewal, and growth in marriage.
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Hello! It’s refreshing to see that others understand how hard it is sometimes to pray for those who have hurt us. I’ve been praying for my husband for 30 years. My children are grown now but I remember when they were little and their dad was mean my kids got to where they would say “Don’t tell us to pray for him!” We’d prayed for him so many times. He use to drink until this past Feb. He was a very mean drunk, especially to me, and he drank every night. I never stopped praying although it was hard to imagine him actually not drinking, I knew that God had the power. One day out of the blue, he quit. Just like that. After 25 years. I know it was Divine Intervention and I thank God daily. I don’t know why God waited so long, the effects of his drinking will linger for my family for ever but I have faith that God will help us to use these things from our past for our good and the good of His kingdom. There is a lot of hurt and pain that we are all still dealing with, would you lift us up in prayer please? Thank you.
Hi – this response is for Georgann – firstly, I agree, it IS hard to pray for someone who has hurt you (and continues to do so or, in your case, has done so for many years/decades). I empathize with your situation and am ELATED to hear God divinely intervened on your behalf, to help your husband with his problem. I pray for your healing, that of your children as well as your husband (alcoholism is a symptom of something deeper).
I assume you experienced verbal (perhaps even physical) abuse. I came to this site b/c I experienced abuse from my spouse as well. It went on for 12 years and I thought that was a long time until I read your comment. Dig through the articles here on abuse and healing from it – they are WONDERFUL tools. You might also want to check other Christian websites for abuse….but only Christian resources.
If you have a study group or women’s prayer group you can meet with I highly suggest you meet with them – not to husband bash but to lift him up in prayer as well as the whole family and experience God’s healing power in your life.
God has changed my marriage but I tell you – it was NOT at all the way I envisioned. It was hard. But it’s worth it- Praise God. I pray for your whole family!
With love, your Christian sister, LT
Dear LT, Thank you for your kind words and prayers. It is very uplifting and encouraging for me to know someone is praying. I’m happy to know your marriage was healed and is okay now. I long for Christian fellowship, but I can’t pursue it at the moment. I read everything Christian I can find, Joyce Myers, TD Jakes, Beth Moore, etc….. and of course, the Bible, daily as well as Oswald Chambers devotional,”My Utmost For His Highest”. I can not imagine life without God.
I have an area I struggle with harder than anything, I lie to my husband. We work together, so we’re together 24/7 and it’s so hard. He’s critical and demanding. But if a problem arises, especially financially I try to hide it to keep him from getting upset and it usually turns out to be a big huge mess.
I have made such an awful mess of things right now, behind on taxes, checks bounced… it’s so humiliating. For the last couple of months it’s been so stressful, things have just snowballed, everyday it’s worse and worse. I get angry because I need to talk to my husband but I just can’t, I know his reaction. Yesterday he found out some of it. A vendor brought in a check and it’s been insane every since.
At first i was relieved, I thought it was all going to come out, the whole mess, and we could deal with it, but I just cannot make myself tell him anything he doesn’t find out on his own. I just can’t. He’s wanting to see records, etc. of proof of what’s been paid and what hasn’t and I’m a total wreck around him. In my heart I know God is in control and He’s working on both of us and I know I should trust God more than I fear my husband’s wrath but it’s so hard.
Please continue to pray for us, I’m getting through one minute at a time! I believe with all of my heart that my Lord is with us and trying to correct years of dysfunction. I’m just so ashamed, my husband doesn’t agree with my time I spend in the word, etc. He thinks I’m fake about it. What is my behavior saying to him? I can’t believe I’ve said all of this, I usually say nothing to anyone! I just need prayer so badly, we both do. You seem genuinely sincere and have a heart like Jesus. Thank you again for your prayers and kindness, In His Love, Georgann
(USA) Hi Georgann, I wanted to get back to you, albeit a little overdue, on your last comment. Well, you’ve already seen your sin and your heart has already convicted you on your lying. Good for you! That is God at work in you!
My suggestion on that one is: you know it’s wrong. You also know that your husband will most likely react in a way that is unpleasant (anger, hostility, yelling, etc.) However, we as Christians, are we not called to do the right thing in the eyes and the law (the Word) of God? Yes. And you already know what that is because you have pointed it out in your comment. Recognizing sin is the first step. God has already guided you to step one. Therefore, trust Him to guide you through the remaining steps.
Tell God in your honest prayers that, God, I know my husband will react harshly but I will tell him the truth in all matters because it is what you, God, desire.
Georgann, my dear sister, the Bible says God has not given us a spirit of fear, but, rather, of a sound mind. (II Timothy 1:7) Pray beforehand, each time you must share news that your husband may not react well to. God can give you the strength and keep you out of fear. Fear is of Satan. If you lie, knowingly, then Satan has won. If you fear, Satan has won. Don’t let Satan win.
The Bible also says be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove. (Matthew 10:16) In the case where you know your husband will react wrongfully/sinfully, and you don’t have to tell him, then let him discover things on his own. If it’s not your job to report daily, then don’t. That is not lying.
Only you know whether you are lying or not. It’s hard for me to tell without all the details but I think both scriptures, above, will help you in your dilemma. God is with you!! You need not fear. If you do, then fervently pray to God to help you overcome that. But also do so knowing that Christians will suffer, from time to time, just as Christ did. This is what he said to us.
If you are faced with a conversation where you have no choice but to tell the truth and you get a harsh reaction, then you know you did so because you were standing up for Christ! And that is worth it, in the long run, every time! Suffering for Christ is what all Christians will face, from time to time. (I Peter 4:12-13; see also I Peter 5:9, Acts 5:41, Romans 5:3, II Corinthians 1:5; all of these talk about suffering for righteousness’ sake, for doing the “right” thing, even though it is hard and the consequences may be hard).
My last note is on you meeting with other believers. Georgann, the Bible commands us to meet with other believers. Hebrews 10:25. This is where you will draw strength, especially during hard times. And it is also where you will learn more about God’s word. If you are not meeting because of physical circumstances (long hours at work or car trouble, etc.) then pray for God to fix that problem so that you can meet with other believers.
If you are not meeting with others, because your husband tells you not to, then you must put God first, before your husband. Women are to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5), unless it conflicts with the Word of God. At that point you must put God first. If this is the case, then pray for God to change your husband’s heart and mind on letting you meet with other believers.
I continue to lift you up in prayer. Please let us know how your journey of faith continues.
(US) Hi LT. I know it’s taken me a while to answer, I come to this site almost nightly, tho and read your post and the verses. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for such loving and wise council. It’s been hard to write about all of this. I’m still dealing with the “mess” but feel God is really teaching me a very important lesson. I hate to admit it to myself or to you but the fact is, I fear my husbands wrath more than I trust God.
I read the Bible nightly and nightly I realize the Lord’s love for me and my husband, His faithfulness. His promise is that the fire will not consume me but I can’t bring myself to do or say anything that brings out the “green eyed monster.” I have tried. One time in particular a matter needed dealing with that was a result of my mismanagement and I sucked it up and blurted it out, (it took me hours) and the reaction from him was the same, explosive and mean.
I feel that God was making a point to my husband, I’ve tried and tried to explain to him how his actions and his words affect me and he is in such deep denial, he refuses to accept the possibility that his behavior is anything other than how someone “like me” has to be treated.
I told him that I was sorry that I had been honest with him about the situation, that I would rather try to deal with things on my own than go through the same torrent of insults, etc…. I know by your words of reminder of God’s Word, that it was right for me to tell him, tho regardless of his reaction. It’s just very very hard.
Since then there have been some other issues tho that have come up that I didn’t discuss with him that I should have and I get so disgusted with myself. I know my lack of faith and my disobedience is costing me and my family and I feel so badly about it. I am praying continually. I know that the Lord knows the whole situation and He knows better than I myself why I am the way I am. I thank Him daily for His unfailing and unwavering love.
When we do have to deal with some of the problems I have caused with the business I feel so bad for my husband. We’re having to deal with so many other issues right now, I feel so disappointed to be an added cause of stress to him. I have always longed to be his “helper” and a blessing to him so far I haven’t done so well. I remind myself daily that I am a work in progress!
I’ve been thinking a lot said about fellowshipping with other believers. I use to pray about this pretty often. I haven’t so much lately but will begin again. I long for the companionship of other believers. Sometimes when browsing on the web I see pictures of friends laughing, crying, and I get envious, I know I shouldn’t, God agrees that I would benefit from a church home. He knows my need so I leave it to His timing to supply a way. My husband doesn’t want me to go to church. But I will earnestly begin again praying to the Lord about it. I would love to go, I would love the fellowship, the Bible Study… I have to go now, please accept my sincere thanks for taking the time to discuss this with me.. God Bless, Georgann
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi LT, Your mails are so inspiring. I am separated with my husband, but I’m still trusting God. Pray with me. Thanx
(USA) I just recently started praying for my husband it seems hopeless, but I continue and will get into more detail later!
(USA) I came across this, I believe, by God’s intervention. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. We both were married previously and have 3 children from each of those marriages. He is 10 yrs older so his children are all adults, mine are still teens.
My husband is a co-pastor in our small church and we have always made it a point to pray and study the word together, yet also having our private time with the Lord as well. Recently I was injured and I am unable to work temporarily which has put a burden on my husband.
He has always been a very good father and husband. Never has he raised his voice in anger nor a hand to me or my children. I thank God for such a good man that he has given me. Recently he has closed himself off a little bit, immersed himself into his job to provide putting in 20 hours of overtime every 2 weeks, which causes his body to be fatigued and he’s very tired. He misses Bible study, and has forgotten our prayer and study time we do together. He rushes off early to work to get those extra hours, returns late nightly. He has pulled away from the intimate part of our marriage. I feel to blame. I feel I am just a burden to him. I have become so terribly depressed feeling very unloved and undesirable. Please tell me, how I can approach this sensitive issue? My husband is not very open when it comes to talk about being intimate.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Deborah,
I’ve only seen your message just now Deborah. We’ve just been through something similar in fact. Lift him up in prayer, consistently. Leave little notes for him. Please don’t feel depressed, unloved or undesirable. If you were the very last person left on earth, Jesus would still have died on the cross for you. You are so special Deborah, try to see the special things that God is doing for you, because once you can connect to His Joy, you’ll see how things will start improving. Your husband is just tired … and losing out on his daily prayer time and Bible study etc is what’s making him feel depressed, which probably looks like he’s “pulling away”. Please keep on praying. The devil knows you are both vulnerable now and will start throwing rocks to crack your bridge. JUST PUSH THROUGH.
Deborah, you are NOT burden on your hubby. It’s just a trial that you two have to get through together. So try to reject the devils way of thinking, and let the Joy of God carry you through. You two already have something that others don’t. One thought though — perhaps your feelings of guilt, depression, inadequacy etc are what’s pushing your hubby away. You’re amazing. Please remember that. You are truly an amazing woman … so try not to let this trial become much bigger than it really is. I love you, and am praying for you sister.
(USA) Hi Cheral (and Deborah), Cheral, I couldn’t have said it better myself! Everything you say is right on! It’s taken a LONG time filled with trials for many recent months for me to finally get in touch with the joy and peace that God brings. I think this world tells us we are inadequate and after so many years, we just believe it.
The Bible does say otherwise though. God does love each and everyone of us. And, also, through the wonderful messages I’ve received from other beautiful Christian brothers and sisters, I’ve been told they love me, too. Just like Cheral loves you. That’s always comforting.
Yes, Deborah – listen to Cheral’s very sound and Godly wisdom and advice. She is truly dead on. Not just about God loving you but also about the situation you are in. I agree completely, your husband is probably pulling away just from stress and tiredness. And your illness is a trial. That’s all. It’s something God is allowing to strengthen you. You’ll be much stronger when you come through and you will. It’s not a deal-breaker. God will allow the trial to end on His perfect timing. You are in my prayers, With love, LT