I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?
Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you. But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?
The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.
If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Instead say:
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.
If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves—can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.
There is a time for everything, it says in the Bible. and it ’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.
Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words can not be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.
The above article came from the book, “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. It was published by Harvest House www.harvesthousepublishers.com. This is one of my (Cindy’s) favorite books! As Stormie said it so well: “I can think of no better way to truly love your husband than by lifting him up in prayer on a consistent basis. It is a priceless gift that helps him experience God’s blessings and grace.”
Putting everything else aside, there is nothing we can do for our husband that is as important as praying for him. This book gives you the inspiration and practical help to do just that. Every woman who desires a closer relationship with her husband will appreciate this refreshing look at the power of prayer in marriage, as discussed in this book. Along with real-life illustrations. Stormie also includes sample prayers and “power tools” —verses that inspire and encourage—to help wives rest in the assurance of God’s wonderful promises of restoration, renewal, and growth in marriage.
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(USA) Hi Zukiswa, Thank you, so much, for your kind words. I have gained a lot of trust, understanding and knowledge because of my walk with God, through all the trials He allows to happen in my life. I share that here for anyone who might benefit from it. I am glad that you are helped by my comments. The Holy Spirit guides me to write what I write to others – that is why you are inspired by it – they are God’s words to me, and through me.
I will certainly keep you in my prayers, and all the other beautiful people I’ve been in touch with through this web site, including Cindy Wright.
Zukiswa, your words touched my heart! Here is a great verse that I would like to share with you; it is one I think of when I think of all the wonderful people who minister on this web site, including people who write in like you and Georgann: "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:3-6)
(THE NETHERLANDS) Hello sisters around the world. Wow, it is great to read your incredible stories. I see that we women go through a lot. That is exactly the reason why we need to be powerful women. I was most hit by the story of Georgann. I did not yet read the book the power of a praying wife, but want to do so. But I read other books that helped me to focus on my relationship with God. For instance I read Boundaries in Marriage. And this book really helped me to get clear that when I know my own boundaries. I am responsible for telling people that they are crossing my boundaries.
I am not letting anyone cross my boundaries. I have a right to live and of a free space where i can live in. My husband …..our marriage was also in physical danger. There were a couple of times when he hit me hard, and it confused me and I thought this was the only time he did it — he will never do this again. But next time he did the same thing. Until I left my husband and told him the only way I come back is when you get help otherwise our marriage is over. And if he didn’t seek help I would have done this. Because I believe we do not have to be faithful to our husbands when we are in physical danger. God doesn’t want that for us.
Our husbands have choices, and they can choose to get help for this behavior. When he chooses to hit you he chooses to be unfaithful to you. He is then breaking the promise to you. It is not the other way around. He really needs help when he hits you because he can not change his own behavior by himself. More often they were in abuse themselves before they do things like that. They had wrong examples.
In my situation my husband knew that he had to do something and found help. He went in a group of abusing man and learned more about abuse. We have both still a lot to learn, also for me with my sharp tongue, but God changed our marriage so much that it gives me faith to carry on. Boundaries are also there for a reason. And you need to tell people about your boundaries, because they can’t tell by themselves. They need you to say they crossed the line.
You also need someone you trust and who knows your husband. I pray you find someone close by who can help you stay save and be your friend. I do not know why I found this website and found your writings, but I do know I serve an awesome God who does not have any boundaries around the globe (like the lines of country’s). Lots of love. I pray for you all. God is an awesome God.
(KENYA) Hello, I just stumbled on this website as I am in some kind of despair. My fiancee has become quite selfish.This made me do something drastic and now my family does not really approve of our relationship. I somehow overreacted which is now causing damage for us. I have always read the prayers in Stormie’s book and always pray for my fiance’s priorities… God seems to answer my prayers then pulls back! I don’t understand! We love each other and are working on this but my actions have made everyone meddle into our life!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi everyone
This is my first time entering this website. Infact, I saw Stormie’s book a while ago before I got married. I’m now married for exactly a year and I’m already having problems in my marriage. Currently, I’m going through a dark cloud and needed a lot of support from my partner. He does not drink nor does he smoke and he’s 10yrs older than me, which scares me even more because then I do not have an excuse as to why he is failing to be supportive to me at a time when I needed him the most.
I felt a lot of disappointment and found myself wondering if he is the life partner that I thought him to be. He hasn’t even had time to notice how much I needed him because he’s been consumed in his own life and friends. When I spoke to him to try and explain to him my disappointment and pain that I’m going through right now…NOTHING changed.
I feel that maybe he got married to the idea of marriage and not to me. That is the only thing to me right now that explains his behaviour. I, on the other hand thought I was marrying the man of my dreams who’ll always be there for me at a time of need. I think, we might love each other but unfortunately either have different understanding of what marriage is or just do not have the same goal in mind.
Sadly so, I feel that I’m ready for a seperation. I feel that I should give him time to re-focus or decide if marriage is the right path for him because right now…I don’t think it is…
I’m at a cross-road because I’ve been experiencing his unavailability to me for a while now but have been trying to be understanding and compromised. I really have to wonder if he’ll ever be available for me and if by that time I’d still love him the way I do…
(USA) Hi Bridget, Sorry to hear of your marital disappointments. Please look at the following link, from this website:
http://www.marriagemissions.com/category/emotionally-distant-spouse/
The one, REALLY important thing (among many) I learned through this website (and that I’ve had to share with many female friends and sisters in Christ because they had unrealistic expectations of their husbands) is that no one person can fulfill all your emotional needs, including your husband.
Only Christ can truly fulfill you in a way that is far surpassing of anything human, physical, or Earthly.
My strong sense, as a Christian who has walked this walk for a while now, from reading what you’ve written and your dilemma is that God is telling you, through this current trial right now, that you need to get closer to God.
You have not found true and total fulfillment from Christ, otherwise you wouldn’t be looking to your husband to fill the void. Your husband should be there for you and be a life partner, but he cannot fill ALL your voids – only Christ can.
This trial is being allowed, by God above, right now because Christ wants you to get to know him better and be filled, from within, with His love.
Divorce (and even separation) is not the answer unless you are being abused and your physical safety is an issue, and it does not sound like that is the case from what you describe.
Divorce is a sin, unless someone is unfaithful or an unbelieving partner leaves the marriage. In any other case, divorce is not allowed. See I Corinthians 7. Separation is acceptable, but only if both parties agree to it and it is done for the express purpose of prayer and there is a date set for both spouses to return to live under the same roof.
It is when we are broken that we fall to our knees. Matthew 5 says blessed are the poor in spirit. When we are poor in spirit (which is what you are right now) we call and cry out to God and it is then that he can answer us and be assured that we are listening.
God does hear your prayers and your calls right now. Of this, in my heart, I am certain.
Dearest Bridget, Seek God to fill your needs at this trying time in your life. When two individuals are filled with God from within- that is when they can have a truly Godly marriage. Instead of focusing on your husband’s sins or shortcomings, focus on your relationship with Christ and it is there that you will find true and everlasting peace and fulfillment.
I speak as a formerly abused wife who found comfort, solace, safety and solution in Christ, not anywhere else. And I am still married, as well. With love and I’ll keep you in my prayers, LT
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear LT – your response to Bridget’s letter has encouraged me a lot and has strengthened me. I as well am married for a year now – I feel pregnant in the first month of our marriage – and now God as blessed me with a baby boy. He is 2 months old now and my husband has not shown much interest in me or the baby. In my heart I know he loves us but I don’t understand why we are at the bottom of his priority list – work, friends etc comes first. I can’t even remember when last we have spent quality time together. I want to say thanks for your encouraging words to Bridget, it also applies to me. I NEED to put GOD first in my life and seek him for HE is my strength and Joy. I cannot depend on my husband to fulfill all my needs.
(USA) Hi Rachael, Firstly, congratulations on the birth of a beautiful baby boy!! Wow!
As a mom myself, I can confirm, regardless of how much or how little support you have from those around you (unless you just have about 5 nannies with you), the first 6 months are SOOOO tiring and hard. Between hormones, tiredness and the overwhelming task of a job you’ve never had before and have no qualifications for, it’s hard. Just hang in there.
Actually – it was motherhood itself (as well as a husband that could be very unloving) that helped me die to self, more than anything else, because I had a little one depending on me and I had to learn how to do everything, including going to the bathroom, differently. I always came last. Men do not really know what it’s like for new moms.
Try to get together with your girlfriends or female relatives as much as you can. There is nothing wrong with trying to share your thoughts with your husband. If you think he’ll hear you on it, you can tell him you need him more.
We women (and moms) have these dreams of us all being together as a happy family, all the time, the minute the baby is born and we feel up to it – I had those dreams, too, but that didn’t happen as much as I wanted either.
It is hard but as you said yourself, God is our strength. Keep tapping into that and walking in the faith of that and you’ll get past all the problems. With love, LT
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Bridgette, I just want to say that I know exactly what you going through. Many times I’ve wanted to throw in the towel. I’ve just made a choice to cry out to the Lord for help.They say your 1st year is the hardest and most difficult, if you survive it, you can survive anything. Just remember your promise before God and know that you were joined for a purpose which Satan is not pleased about; that’s why he will try to destroy your union. Pray my sister. Things have gotten a lot better for us. I’m now expecting our first baby, and have been married for 14months.
(USA) Hi Wendy, That is such a beautiful testimony!
(USA) I have read some of the comments that are here and they are really inspiring to me. My husband does things that I don’t want to say and I really get frustrated when he comes home high honestly I don’t want to let him in the house. But he is a great father and a great husband and a wonderful friend. I pray for him all the time that is of course when I am not mad at him. I know from personnel experience that GOD can and will break any addiction there is because I used to do drugs even after I was saved but I went to church one day and asked the lord to baptize me with HIS HOLY SPIRIT and when HE did WOW!!!! I have never been the same and I have never did any drugs since or had any cravings for them.
I also used to smoke cigarettes and I prayed for many years that GOD help me stop smoking and one day again I just quit PRAISE GOD!!!!!! But I only could do the things with GOD. I have a really hard time not losing my temper with my husband because I know that GOD has a special plan for him and I know that he can be more than what he is being now.
It is hard for me to accept all the excuses my husband has. Because I know if he would truly seek God and give his life to HIM than he (my husband) could get a revelation of who he is to our FATHER JESUS CHRIST. Pray for us. Thanks in HIS name. JODIE