I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?
Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you. But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?
The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.
If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Instead say:
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.
If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves—can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.
There is a time for everything, it says in the Bible. and it ’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.
Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words can not be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.
The above article came from the book, “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. It was published by Harvest House www.harvesthousepublishers.com. This is one of my (Cindy’s) favorite books! As Stormie said it so well: “I can think of no better way to truly love your husband than by lifting him up in prayer on a consistent basis. It is a priceless gift that helps him experience God’s blessings and grace.”
Putting everything else aside, there is nothing we can do for our husband that is as important as praying for him. This book gives you the inspiration and practical help to do just that. Every woman who desires a closer relationship with her husband will appreciate this refreshing look at the power of prayer in marriage, as discussed in this book. Along with real-life illustrations. Stormie also includes sample prayers and “power tools” —verses that inspire and encourage—to help wives rest in the assurance of God’s wonderful promises of restoration, renewal, and growth in marriage.
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(USA) Hi Anne, I’ve read your last couple of comments. Particularly the one dated on Mar. 24 – the first thing that hit me was this: It’s a bit of a different angle from the way you or your husband (and even others) would probably look at the situation but I believe (and I am in a better position to be objective since I don’t know either of you personally) that it breaks down like this.
The woman your husband has befriended clearly doesn’t have God in a high enough position in her life. (Perhaps she doesn’t have God at all, I don’t know). If she did, she’d be going to God with her problems and not a married man. It’s simply inappropriate. There are a few exceptions, such as if the man is a minister or spiritual mentor. But your husband is neither of those things to her, yet she’s made him that. In essence, he’s become her "savior" with a lowercase S. That’s a form of idolatry.
On your husband’s part – it’s a form of infidelity because even if he is not physically involved with her, Jesus says even the thought is already adultery. Matt. 5:27-28
It sounds like this woman needs help. I feel someone should reach out to her and help her but not your husband. And, only if she’s open to it. Most of us know when we are sent to minister to others (including just writing comments on this site to help others). But God never sends one of His children to minister to another unless it falls in line with scriptural mandates – what your husband is doing is not ministering to that woman, but satisfying his own fleshly lusts. It’s a form of distraction he uses to avoid tacking the problems in your marriage. I don’t suggest you tell him this (he probably doesn’t have ears to hear it from you), but I simply tell you this so that you know and can see the bigger picture.
I’m glad to hear that you are seeing a pastor tomorrow about this.
It’s absolutely imperative that your husband make a decision on his actions. Either he thinks it’s inappropriate to have a relationship with this woman or he doesn’t. Is he a Christian? If so, there are plenty of scriptures that show how he is acting outside of the Christian code set forth through scripture. If he isn’t, then it is simply your job, as a Christian, to handle each and every day (which currently includes your husband’s actions) the way you know you ought to.
There is nothing wrong with you setting boundaries for yourself. You cannot MAKE him do the right thing, but you can tell him how you believe and how you interpret scripture and why you think his actions are a problem. It’s very difficult to share that, however, when one is so involved, hurt and emotions are running high so it’s imperative you start every day (and every conversation) by praying for God to give you the right words and attitude.
One suggestion would be to tell your husband that the next time the woman calls with her problems, he can hand the phone to you and you can minister to her as a Christian woman OR you can give him your pastor’s number and have your husband tell that woman to call the pastor. I don’t see anything wrong with either of those options. At this point, out of the 3 people involved, Anne, you are the one who has the opportunity to take the higher, more Christian road. It sounds like your husband and his female friend are too caught up in sin to think clearly but you obviously have the peace of mind from God.
It is evident just by you writing of your prayer life and reading scripture. I daresay you have a huge opportunity with all of this to stand up and be the light because you can (with God’s help and strength) and possibly the other two do not even know how to be a light. Ministry comes in strange forms and God definitely works in mysterious ways (to us as humans anyway). I’m not saying you and your husband take this woman under your collective wings forever but the two suggestions are a way of handling the next time she wants to contact your husband. Those possibilities exist until she is able to find God or be out of your lives.
At any rate – these are the things that occurred to me when I read your comments. I’ll pray for your meeting with your pastor and for God’s healing for you and your husband individually and as a couple.
(CANADA) Hi all thanks a lot Sue and LT for your messages and prayers. LT thanks a lot for the advice. I thought about it and I’m praying for God to direct me. I liked the idea of calling the pastor. I’ll talk to him on Monday. Funny thing, the pastor’s wife asked me if I would be able to help her too by talking to her, when we went for our appointment. Honestly i don’t think I’m in a position to do that. I just want her out of our marriage.
The best thing that happened during our pastor’s visit is that God really intervened coz my hubby has been withdrawn and he really opened up. He blames himself for a lot things and he feels like he’s failed as a husband. He also said that to think he turned out like his dad (he cheated on his mum repeatedly). I felt bad for him coz that’s really a huge burden to carry and I wish i could carry it for him, but it’s not mine to carry but God’s. I’ll pray for him continually.
I’m asking God to help me out coz I need to forgive her too so that I may get peace. Though in all honesty, I know satan will use her and other things to destroy what we are trying to build, and I’m thinking what is the best way to stop him, and then to direct her to God. I hope I’ll be able to hear God’s voice because I’m so bitter. There’s a prayer in Stormie’s book that asks God to show us when the enemy is approaching so that we may be able to stop him. I can clearly see what he wants to do. I’ll pray a lot and just do what God wants.
Thank you a lot; this site is really helpful and very encouraging. It’s amazing what happens when as women we stand together in prayer. Pray for me to be able to release all this to God and for God to also forgive me for being unable to forgive at this time. Thank you so much I’ll pray with you always and I’ll update you.
(CANADA) Hey All I hope you’re all doing well. I’m ok still struggling a lot. My husband is carrying a huge burden I’m just praying b’coz i know it’s not my burden to carry. I really want to support him though and let him know I’m there for him. I just don’t know how to do that. Does anybody have any idea how I can do this and not be "pushy"?
I just feel that we need to do things together and create new memories. I don’t want us to drift further apart. He’s been sleeping in the guest room for the last 2 months. Even after he said he wanted us to work out our problems he hasn’t "moved back in". I haven’t asked him why or to move back in. I don’t want to give the enemy a foothold to destroy our marriage again and use this "separation" to his advantage.
I know with all the prayers God is protecting us and I know this is my WAITING PERIOD where God works miracles. I normally work on weekends and this is my weekend off and I was thinking to plan a get away where we’ll just have a nice time re-enjoying each other. I’m thinking of a place we’ve been to before and he loved it. I hope and pray this will help. I’ve prayed about it and hope that God will guide me in this plans and helps us build our communication.
Pray for me and this plans coz if I sit and wait for him to do something I’ll be waiting for a while. I need to drop my pride and follow God’s guidance. Thank you all for your support and prayers. I will be praying for all you. I don’t know any of you but because God has brought us together with His Grace and Love, I love you all. Lets continue standing together in prayer.
(USA) Hello Ladies, I feel God led me to this website today. I was merely looking for the above book when I scrolled down and found everyones comments. I have had a struggling marriage for the past year and just yesterday was wondering about a site where I could post a comment to possibly get some feedback and encouragement.
Seven years ago I met the man of my dreams and married him four years ago. In 06 we had our first child and things slowly started turning sour. With the added strain of our child we started having arguments like we had never had before. However our love and affection were still there. When my son was 6 months, one weekend my husband just changed overnight and said he was angry at me but didn’t want to talk about it. Finally he let it all out and said that he just didn’t feel the same anymore, etc. etc. and that all of his affection and love over the past year had been a "front" but he just couldn’t do it anymore.
I convinced him to stay and later that week I found out about long phone conversations with another female who didn’t even know he was married!! I literally felt like I had been punched in the stomach and basically didn’t want to live anymore. This was coming from someone who had just been completely affectionate and loving with me every day until now!
I contacted the girl and when she found out he was married she cut off all conversation with him, thus ending their relationship. We stayed in different rooms for a while but never left the house. Since then it has been a little over a year and things have improved tremendously!! We went from sleeping in different rooms and not talking, to sleeping together and being great friends. However I still do not have his love and affection.
It is so trying, and I miss him in that way sooo much that sometimes I just want to give up. But I made a commitment that I would see this through to the end and I would not be the one to leave because I love him and I love my son.
There is a song that I listened to in the very beginning of this disaster called "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. Please listen to it!! I bawled my eyes out every time I listened to it and still do, but it gave me such an amazing amount of strength!!
I should note that I have always been a spiritual God-loving woman, but through all of this I have come so much closer to Him. I never realized how far away from Him I truly was. Every day is just a trying day because I long so badly to have the love and affection I used to know from my husband. When I look at how we have progressed over the last year, I guess that is what helps keep me going, because I just think of how much better yet we might be in another year. Anyways I loved reading all of your comments, it’s nice to know I am not alone. Thanks for reading mine.
(USA) Anne, I should have posted this in my previous comment but what I told my husband when it came to supporting him was stated very simply and I just left it at that. He was having a particularly trying night and I simply put my arms around him and told him that I was his wife and I loved him very much. I let him know that he was and is my best friend and that I would be by his side until the very end. I would be his strength for him and he could bear his weight on me and together we would see this through. I let him know that I prayed for him daily, and with that I hugged him tighter and went to bed.
I felt so good after telling him that. And for anyone else, something else that really makes me feel good is to not only talk to God but also to yell at Satan. I let him know from the very beginning that he wasn’t winning this battle. He could try as hard as he wanted but my husband was my territory and I have God on my side and that’s just the way it is. I do this often and I love the power and confidence it gives me!
(CANADA) Hey Amber thanks a lot for your message. It came when I was just crying my eyes out to God because I’m so tired of all this and at the same time so worried about my husband. He’s also having a really bad night. He normally works 6 days a week and he was saying that he works so hard and he’s got nothing to show for it. I let him vent out without offering advice. I did tell him he has stuff to show for it.
I think for a man to feel like this it’s a huge load together with all the stuff he’s holding in. I just worried so much coz he looks like he’s ready to snap. I do feel bad coz we aren’t sleeping in the same room and I did want to just show him I’m there. I did go to the guest room and i laid next to him and told him that I’m there for him and if he needs to talk I’m there. He just said he wants to be left alone. So I left and I told him I loved him. He’s not saying those words back and the funny thing is, I don’t feel bad. It’s amazing what God can do because I know he’ll say them again one day.
I just feel helpless coz he has so much bottled up. We are seeing our pastor and the first 5 minutes you literally have to pull things out of him. I know that this is my WAITING PERIOD and I have to be patient but it’s really hard. I love him and I’m trying to show him even though I know it won’t be reciprocated.
Thanks though Amber, that was really nice. I’m glad your marriage is better and don’t give up God is working on things even if you can’t see it now. Thank you and may God bless you and your husband. Later. By the way there’s this article by STORMIE OMARTIAN called THE POWER OF PATIENCE. I found it at http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2005/003/1.42.html …It helped me last night when i was just about to go mad with losing patience. It’s very uplifting.
Hi Anne, I want you to know that you have more people praying for you and caring about you than you may realize. There are a lot of people who read the entries on this web site that never respond in writing, and yet they pray for the people who are hurting, and they care very much.
I’m one of those individuals who reads each entry and weeps and prays for those who weep and rejoices with those who rejoice.
You may notice that I changed the web site link in your letter to direct people to the exact link (since you didn’t know exactly how to explain how to get to it). It’s a great article and I didn’t want one person missing out on reading it (because some people may not have been able to find it). I figured you would approve of the change.
I want to tell you how proud I am of you in how gracious you are being with your husband. I’m sure this must be difficult to do. But I see a working of the Holy Spirit in your life and the character of Christ coming through in how you are trying to discern the needs of the moment rather than reacting right away to what is immediately happening.
There is a time to confront issues and there is a time to step back and realize that their frustration isn’t about you, but about other issues, and sometimes giving them extra grace will eventually help them to come around. Eventually you may be able to help him to work things out in a healthier way, but now is obviously not the time, in this case.
Also, most men have a tendency to work through their issues by pulling back and NOT talking (or at least not talking right away), rather than talking things through (like we do). There is always the exception to the “rule” but that seems to be a natural tendency. We, as women, have more of a tendency to talk our way into a place of feeling better about things where men withdraw. I’m not saying one way is better than the next — they’re just different.
If you go into the section of our web site titled “Gender Differences” you will see several articles posted that you could read that explains what I am trying to explain.
Although, I have to say that I’ve found that the longer my husband Steve and I are married, the more we have been able to work out a compromising blend of communication that works issues through in a way that is both healthy and agreeable to both of us. It’s taken a LONG time to get to that place (and sometimes we still do and say things we shouldn’t). I pray you will eventually get to a better place of being able to communicate as husband and wife as well.
Please know that my heart and prayers are with you.
(USA) Hi Anne, It was so nice to see your reply. I wish I would have stumbled across this site a year ago. I have longed to talk to people in my situation for so long and I’m so glad I finally found it!
When my husband and I were sleeping in separate rooms he would say the exact same things to me. It was always "Leave me alone". Every now and then I would try to sneak into the room just to lay and be close to him and he would act completely hateful while letting me know that it was NOT okay and I needed to leave.
It is so hard to show and tell someone how much you love them without receiving anything in return but it really is the best thing you can do. It is what I have done for a year, but it has become easy to show my love without expecting anything in return. I tell him I love him and he still will not say it back but just like you somehow it just does not hurt anymore. When I try to kiss him he turns away and when I try to give him a hug he stands there and will not reciprocate at all. But as awful as that sounds it is actually a great improvement because in the beginning I could not touch him at all, he was filled with so much anger and hatefulness!!
It is a great thing to learn to love someone unconditionally without expecting anything in return and it really does get easier. That is Gods way of loving. I feel like someday when we are through all of this I want him to be able to look back and thank me for being such a strong wife and loving him through everything. It’s just amazing to see someone almost exactly where I was a year ago except for the fact that my husband never told me he was sorry and wanted to try and work it out.
He won’t even attempt counseling of any sort, so see you are already a step ahead! I want you to know, you may not believe it now, but it will get better. It just takes time and as you know patience. God is really working his way and teaching us so many things at the moment. I can see just over the past year how much I have learned and grown because of this. I will be thinking and praying for you and thanks for being there for me too! Let me know how this weekend goes for you!
(USA) Anne, One thing that I forgot to mention is the number one lesson I realized God was trying to teach me. As much as I loved God, my husband was still my entire life and my entire being revolved around him. That’s why when I found out my husbands feelings and especially when I found out about another woman, I lost it, I didn’t know how I would live without him. Looking back those were the darkest days of my life. I literally had to go to the doctor for help because I could not get up off the couch. I was numb.
It took me a while to realize that my husband was in the wrong spot on my priority list. When I realized that God must come before my husband, things became much clearer and that’s when things started looking better and slowly started turning around for me and us. I learned to come to a place where regardless of what happens between the two of us, I know that I will be okay now. Before I thought I could not survive without him and now with Gods love I am a stronger woman and should things not end up the way I pray for them to, then I know I will survive. I hope this encourages you!!
(CANADA) Hi Cindy and Amber thanks a lot for your encouragement and prayers. Cindy it’s ok that you changed the site coz I couldn’t remember. Something you said definitely made me think of Steve (my hubby’s name too). He is one to solve his own problems and with this he shuts down and becomes withdrawn. Now he’s arrogant. But I know it’s just to make people stay away and it’s working, but for those who truly know him are trying to reach out.
I just wish he could talk to somebody. He keeps on saying that he wants to talk to our pastor alone but doesn’t get to it. I cried for him in prayer last night because he really needs God’s guidance. I do have my days when my patience falters and I feel so frustrated but like you said, women love to talk things out.
Amber, I do understand what you said that your hubby was your all. I treated mine the same way. He was my god. And now I also realize that God wants me to make Him my first and my all. I still miss the loving man that my husband is and I definitely miss his affection. I’m trying to accept the fact that for now, I’m the anchor of this marriage and God is working on my husband and marriage even if I can’t see it. I’m at peace with things but it’s hard to watch someone you truly love go through issues and they don’t want to be helped.
I will continue praying for Steve and myself coz I definitely need the strength. My mother-in-law told me that the devil targets married couples and I refuse for him to win this. I was feeling discouraged about this weekend. Then I figured out what satan is trying to do. But he ain’t gonna get to me. Thanks a lot ladies. We need each other. God brought us together for a reason. I love you all. Pray for my weekend and my husband. Till next time.