“To bring forth praise in marriage means I must leave behind my negative words, thoughts or critical attitudes. To praise a spouse means I have to forfeit my role as complainer, instructor or nag. To praise my spouse means I must look for the opportunities to find value, merit and commendation.” (Dr. David and Teresa Ferguson - Never Alone Devotions for Couples)

Why is it that as married couples we often forget that praising and affirming our spouse is more effective than criticizing or complaining? If we say we are Christ followers and that we believe God’s word, then shouldn’t we be taking our example from the Bible?

For example Proverbs 27:21 says, “A man is valued by what others say of him.” Then there’s Proverbs 5:4, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” And Proverbs 25:11 reminds us, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

For some reason we seem to fall into the weakness of criticizing more easily than encouraging each other. We have to condition and train ourselves to think and act differently. So, are you ready for some conditioning and training exercises on how to become a praiser of your spouse?

We’re going to be drawing these principles from Dr. David and Teresa Ferguson’s excellent book, Never Alone - Devotions for Couples (Tyndale House):

Praise is genuinely a win-win proposition. The receiver of praise feels blessed at having been acknowledged as significant and important. The “giver” of praise is blessed with a grateful heart and guarded from a critical spirit. Our words of praise communicate value, strengthen hearts and sustain marriages.

Communicating praise to another affirms and deepens the relationship. We (the Ferguson’s) often use praise-sharing in our work with couples. Couples tell each other things like, “I feel especially loved by you when _____.” This helps give each spouse a better understanding of how the other best “feels” love. Another exercise might sound like, “One of the qualities I admire in you is ____. I saw that quality when ____.”

This helps identify specific qualities and concrete examples that are worthy of praise. In each of these exercises we ask couples to face one another, hold hands, and verbalize their response to their spouse. The spouse “receives” the expression of appreciation and acknowledges it in some positive way.

Many couples remark about the simplicity of these exercises and the profound impact on their lives. Each person begins to experience the win-win of praise.

[Note: Cindy and I have done the above exercises and can tell you that they are a wonderful way to establish a close bond as husband and wife. We’ve also learned that if we don’t determine to praise our spouse we in all likelihood won’t. We strongly encourage you to try the above exercises that the Ferguson’s laid out. We can assure you it will be time well spent.]

The Ferguson’s continue with this powerful, but sad, truth:

It’s amazing how many couples have the mindset that at best marriage is to be tolerated. Coping is the most they hope for, and they believe they’ve done great by just somehow staying married.

Into this attitude of mediocrity and complacency comes a God who desires to give life and give it abundantly. This doesn’t mean special protection from problems but it does mean joy, peace, and liberty in the midst of them. Part of His plan for such abundance is the divine relationships through which He’s chosen to work: marriage, the family, and the church.

A particular strategy Teresa and I have developed to see God bring forth “His good” each day is to obey Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (NIV). We do that often by inquiring of one another, “Did anything positive or exciting happen today?” We then rejoice together. We also ask, “Did anything sad or disappointing happen today?” and if anything sad or disappointing happened, we mourn together.

Being able to rejoice and mourn together has helped us to develop an attitude of praise in our marriage. It’s an attitude that says, “God, you did good by bringing my spouse to me.”

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In what area of your marriage can you change your words of criticism to words of praise? If you think this would seem awkward or unnatural to begin praising your husband or wife, we suggest you start “small.” How about trying just one expression of praise per day? 

We know you can find ONE thing to praise your spouse for. Ask the Lord to help you, but determine that you will not have a “praise deficient” marriage any longer. Cindy and I will be praying that your marriage will be filled with praise.

Steve and Cindy Wright

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