When spouses experience differences with each other and the fighting gets nasty and disrespectful and hurts those involved, then it would be good for that couple to come to some kind of truce and look for another way of approaching the subject so they can bridge that which is separating them.

So many couples have what author Dallas Demmit calls the “How-can-I-get-you-to-shut-up-and-listen-to-me?” mindset in how they approach their marriage “partner”. They need to replace it with “What-can-I-do-to-create-a-safe-place-where-understanding-can-take-root-and-grow?” That’s what the Speaker Listener Technique can do. It’s about listening AND talking with each other — slowing things down and deliberately making the effort to truly hear what each person is trying to say.

It might not be something that they use every time they argue, but it can be good to use at times. However, both spouses have to see the importance of using it.

My husband and I don’t use it very often, but we have at times. Our relationship and being healthy in how we work through our differences, is a commitment we have made that is more important to us than just airing our opinions and letting the strongest one “win”. When one spouse “wins” an argument and the other “loses” then the relationship loses as a result.

It’s like any tool that one may have in his or her tool box. You may not use it every time (or you may — depending upon the couple) but it’s nice to know that you’ve figured out how to use it and WILL use it if it’s needed. And when you first start using it, things may be more awkward (and sometimes almost comical) for a while until you’ve gotten past the learning curve, but eventually it could be quite useful.

Our problem is that we can get so caught up into ourselves as individual human beings that we will push over the other person sometimes to get our point across. But marriage is about partnership with the other spouse and with the Lord to be a team where the other (as well as the relationship) is more important than ourselves. When we truly “get” that, then we will reach out to use whatever will help us to honor each other.

As it says in God’s Word, “Conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.” It’s a matter of speaking respectfully, and treating each other “as unto the Lord.”

I believe this technique can help with that. Even if hardly anyone uses this technique, save a few, it’s still a good tool.