“It’s difficult to keep the passion burning, but not impossible. Sex isn’t an event. It is an environment. We must make passion a priority and then set an atmosphere where passion can reign” (Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus). 

All of us, men and women alike, are affected by what we let our minds dwell on. If our mental representation of who is having “great sex” stems from romance novels, movies, or soap operas, we’ll be handicapped by a warped view. If we allow our minds to dwell on jokes, magazine surveys, or water-cooler conversations that deal with sex as an impersonal physical experience, we’ll never seek the oneness nor experience the freedom that sexual intimacy was designed to provide.

If we use our brainpower to form a critical picture of our spouses, our marriages, or our mating practices, we are, in fact, violating the sanctity of our God-created oneness. And we are robbing our mates and ourselves of the grace of holy sex.

On occasion, my wife finds herself in a group of women when a lively game of Bash the Husbands begins. Amy has no desire to play the game, so she tries to redirect the conversation or she simply excuses herself. She doesn’t do this because she’s married to the perfect man. If she joined the bashing game for two very simple, yet powerful, reasons. One, she and I have made a commitment that, if we have a problem with each other, we’ll tell only one person: each other.

Two, we both realize the truth of the old proverb: “A marriage is only as good as it is in public.” In other words, deal with your problems at home, not in front of friends. And we must guard our unspoken words as well: We must keep our thoughts about our mates pure. Concentrating on pure thoughts doesn’t mean ignoring problems. Our thoughts are pure when we see our mates and their bodies as they truly are: God’s gift to us. We don’t bash our spouse when we’re talking to friends, and we don’t secretly wish they were someone else.

Likewise, we keep our thoughts about sex pure. Not pure from a staid, inhibited, or ’sex as duty’ sense, but pure in that we savor the fact that the God of the universe smiles when His children “imbibe deeply.”

Song of Songs 2:15 is a strange verse about catching “the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards.” Both counselor and marital researcher Scott Stanley and psychologist John Trent have concluded that these “foxes” are the little things in marriage that, if left unchecked, will eventually undermine the relationship, just as foxes will destroy a vineyard.

In marriage, for instance, the little foxes can be mishandled conflict that is allowed to fester until it results in barriers between spouses. And when it comes to the gift of our sexual connection, we must catch and destroy the little foxes that run through our thoughts and threaten to kill the passion and fun God desires for us.

So what does your mind tend to dwell on when sex is a topic? I’d enjoy having sex with my husband if he were more like Mary’s husband or Sex would be better if my wife would just lose a few pounds. Or perhaps you find yourself thinking, I need to come up with a good reason to avoid sex tonight or I need to figure out how I can talk my frigid mate into having sex tonight. When you allow thoughts that are critical or demeaning, no matter how slight, to fill your head, they will kill your passion. We need to catch those foxes, get them out of our minds, and then work hard in the vineyard to keep passion blooming.

Other thoughts about our mate and sex, however, need to be dealt with differently. If a husband or a wife is turned off to sexual intimacy due to certain behaviors that can be changed, then those behavior changes need to be dealt with in love. If innuendos or comments, ways of touching or responding, or even elements of hygiene cause you to think negatively about your sexual relationship, then lovingly address those issues. All little foxes need to be chased away through prayer and open, accepting conversation.

The above thoughts come from the inspiring book, SACRED SEX… A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage, by Tim Alan Gardner, published by WaterBrook Press. For years, Christians have been told that sex is God’s creation, designed as a gift to husbands and wives. Yet few couples know sex as a spiritual, God -ordained experience.

Within this book you can learn how to approach marital sex in a way that brings the fulfillment of true oneness. Find out how to experience a beautiful life of intimacy that blesses you far beyond the bedroom walls, serves as an act of worship to God, and touches your hearts and souls in ways you never could have imagined.

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