I hope that the separation will give my wife an idea of what it means to be divorced. For now, it gives her some time with a “new friend” she met while on deployment. I have seen a couple of discussions about dating while separated, and I often wonder why someone would date unless they have already written the marriage off. It just does not make any sense to me. We are Catholic, and she has already talked about annulment (which may signal her desire to remarry quickly).

I just hope that separation will show her that getting divorced takes work – she claims not to want to work on the marriage because of the amount of energy it takes.

The separation has done me some good. I am getting closer to God – praying more for guidance. And I am getting closer to family. I just hope that the separation will be just a dark time in our marriage – that we will reconcile. I want to do what is right, and I can’t imagine that is divorce.

Rebecca I strongly believe that God has put you in a position to use his Word to resolve your situation. I would like you to focus on doing what God requires us to do in correcting and disciplining each other. Church discipline is important. This is correcting our family and loved ones to repent and change their ways so that the can gain salvation and walk in the light. In this way we are exercising true faith.

Your husband needs to be reminded of his role as an elder and how he must conduct himself. This is very difficult to do, but it has to be done. If not other people in the congregation might follow suite.

If he does not change his ways he needs to be exposed and church discipline needs to take place. Please examine what the scriptures say about keeping the faith and keeping the congregation clean. Church discipline is crucial and needs to be exercised.

Your husband needs to be informed about what God requires of him as an Elder and a husband. Scriptures highlighting conduct that is pleasing to God must be highlighted as well as the role and responsibility of an elder if he doesn’t want to repent and work at being a good husband and an examplary elder, church discipline needs to be enforced. This is a necessary action.

Let us remember that God doesn’t just shower us with undeserved Kindness, love mercy and grace but also that he punishes those who turn their backs from him like he did with the Children of Israel in the desert when they refused to change their ways.

I pray that all the pastors, elders and parties involved in helping you resolve this issue will be guided by the holy spirit and God.

Good Luck Rebecca. These are the last days and we need to stand fast in the Word of God. Exercise it even if it is difficult. Study the Bible more and more and look at how the other apostles and disciples stood for what is right. Last, but not least, do the right thing even if it is difficult to do.

I feel if I ask him to leave that it will be an excuse for him to divorce me. At this point no one other than our pastor and marriage counselor know of our situation. My husband is well respected in the community and an elder in our church. If he is "exposed" will that then remove all the restraints he now has? This has been going on for 6 months now. Do I ask him to leave or do I endure the pain of having him here? Will the pain be greater if he goes?

So with boundaries, I can see it as a good thing. However, typically it’s a unilateral decision by one spouse who is already violating the marriage vows. That spouse is unwilling to do the work, unwilling to attend counseling or mentoring during the separation and unwilling to acknowledge the changes the abandoned spouse is making in his life.

So unless the decision to separate is suggested by a qualified 3rd party profession who will set up boundaries both spouses would agree upon, I’d not suggest a separation.