Sarah considered herself a high-need wife with a large love tank. “We just don’t come together intimately enough in my opinion —physically,” she told me.
She asked what I thought about her taking some time away from the marriage with the goal of reconciliation. I said that separation is always potentially dangerous. When you’re in an uncomfortable situation, and you decide to take a break from it for awhile, you think, Why do I ever want to go back into that again when I’m doing okay out here?
If there’s going to be a separation, I always recommend it to be done under good counsel with structure and rules involved. For example, while we’re separated:
• We agree there’s not going to be any outside dating.
• We’re going to separate for the purpose of really working on the relationship
• And we’ll hold ourselves accountable to a process so we don’t get sidetracked with our new feelings.
The goal for the separation should always be to reconcile or restore the relationship. People sometimes think, If I could just dump this guy (or girl) and get with someone else, I’d be happier. It happens a lot. When needs aren’t being met, the tendency may be to just move on instead of really trying to address the issues in a healthy way.
But these same people often find that running away doesn’t solve problems. Unless issues are aired and dealt with, you’ll probably experience the same type of unsatisfying relationship again and again. Changing partners is not the answer.
Of course, it’s a different matter if there’s obvious physical danger or serious emotional danger for yourself or your children. Then, separation is for survival.
The above article comes from the book, Starved for Affection by Dr Randy Carlson, published by Tyndale House Publishers, www.tyndale.com. In this book you’ll find practical help and encouragement to strengthen your connection with your mate in all aspects of your relationship. And in doing so you’ll find the table spread with a banquet of blessings that God as prepared just for you.
Dr Carlson is a licensed marriage and family therapist and is the CEO of Family Life Communications. He hosts OnCall —with Dr. Randy Carlson. To receive Dr Carlson’s free Marriage E-mentoring or latest teaching materials go to www.theintentionallife.com.
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(UK) What if the partner in a marriage is not willing to talk, has violently assaulted the other spouse a number of times, says berating, unkind and degrading word always, sees the spouse always as the wrong person and does not deny marrying the spouse for a wrong reason other than love? Should she continue in that situation or separate to regain her self esteem? He is emotionally detached and would not admit to his faults. He would not even agree to go for counselling or see a pastor and considers her action in doing so a crime against him.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Yesterday I made a decision that I’m getting a divorce after being emotionally abused for 4 years by my husband who’s a perfectionist. He never sees anything good in me or even any other person. He resents my daughter and my maiden family for no reason and our home has become as cold as a mortuary-not the life I had in mind when I was younger.
After reading the articles on this website about separation I think this could be exactly what I need -to be emotionally calm and be rational to see if it’s really what I want. We have already gone through counseling and even the psychologist diagnosed a problem in him. I am going to propose separation to him and believe that he’ll agree. I depend upon the power of God to turn my life around in Jesus’ name!
(USA) I have been in a marriage for 10 years. We have 1 daughter who I stay at home with. I recently found out that my husband who is 33 years old has been having a affair with an 18 year old girl. We have separated since. I have so much anger I can’t even see straight. I’ve tried taking the high road try to be civil, even nice.
I’ve had it. I have so much hatred for what he has done and continues to do, I am beside myself. Most of all, it’s so sad to see my little girls hearts break. He doesn’t want to try to work it out. He wants to STAY WITH HIS LITTLE GIRLFRIEND. I need a crash course on how to work through this anger. Any suggestions?
(SA) I met my husband at high school. We have been together for 20 yrs and married for 6 yrs. 2005 I resigned and went to study full time, the very same month he also got a new job and has to relocate. Because I have already made the decision of starting a new career, we decided that he will leave us (me and our two boys) behind.
On the 10th of February this year he called me after 9 at night and told me that he had a three yr old child, he is tired of leaving a double life. He regrets what he has done because I have been questioning him and he was denying everything. He met this lady where he was working before in 2004. Whatever decision I make he will support it and he won’t interfere with the house, he will support me and the children. The first thing that came into my mind was “oh GOD here is another failed marriage in my family, how will I explain this to my younger family members who see me as their role model”? I just said ok and he hung up the phone and never called until the next evening.
Before calling he sent me a message telling me that he is moving out of the house and what he has worked hard for does not matter to him anymore because he was never happy in this marriage. I remembered that last December I received water and electricity bill for the house on the area not far away from our house that was in this name which he denied and when I asked him again he said that is the house he has been renting and we’ll use it when he comes to our town as he was never happy with our relationship because I never supported him on his studies. He has been working and studying part time and got his junior degree in 2003 and honors in 2005 and in 1995 I was working with the career on hand. The accusations about how bad I am as a wife started to come out of his mouth, that I always shout at him, I show no respect towards him and his parents, I don’t love his parents, I do things as I wish, I don’t cook for him, the list is endless. The said part is he never complained about any of these things for 20 yrs. Anyway, I said sorry, I did not know, I’ll do my best to work on myself.
The 1st time we met, we talked about many issues. I told him I can’t let him go as I know deep down, it’s not what he wants. I saw during this period that he was not staying with us, he was doing his best to be a good husband as before he left. When he left the town I didn’t care as we were not intimate anymore and I was exhausted from trying to show him that he has changed from better to worse. We started to make up, but the following day he changed his mind, saying that he does not believe that I forgave him for he knows what kind of a person I am (HEARTLESS). I am still trying to figure out where this is coming from as I do not remember threatening him or harming him in anyway that I can think of. And from the fact that I said I am not seeking forgiveness from him as he has not done any harm to me personally, he must ask GOD for forgiveness and repent. He has been carrying this sin for 5 yrs and is even prepared to sacrifice his family, separate from it and be alone to start all over with me at a distance. I refused as I have made vows before GOD, SEPARATION AND DIVORCE ARE NOT FOR ME TO CONSIDER, I DO NOT WANT THEM.
His plan was to leave us with everything and see the children and sleep over if he wants to. According to him he did not want a divorce from our 1st talk. He came back saying he does not believe what I said that I want things to be ok. What if I decide to divorce him in 10 yrs time and leave him with nothing? I tried not to lead him but forced him to say exactly what he wants, which was this time: (1) not a divorce, (2) a separation, (3) a divorce. At that moment I kept quiet. We spent the Easter holiday together and one night he came back saying that he has decided that he wants to save our marriage. We went to church the following day and he accepted JESUS as his SAVIOUR.
What I have noticed is that although he has repented, he does not want to confess his sins and move on. Every time that I try to fix things we will start arguing and we will run around in circles. My main concern is, I really wanted us to talk about the things that he is not happy about from my side. But whatever I say or have do is useless. I even wrote him a letter expressing my feelings and listing all that I can remember from his mouth about my wrong doings. The answer was there is nothing that I do is wrong and I must not worry about these things, they will make me sick.
He got a transfer from last month and he is staying with us. The day he was moving out of the place he was renting, I asked him the plan about the furniture he was using. He said we will talk when he arrives. Up until last night I never got an answer. Two days ago I asked him again, he did not answer; yesterday morning I asked if he hears what I was asking, he said yes. After work he said he is going to the gym, on his way I phoned him and asked again, the answer was we will talk when he is back (as usual) in fact he said he does not want to talk about it because that is not important at this stage.
Asking that question I already had a plan, it means the house he said he was renting is full of furniture and his clothes (he only arrived with 5 shirts, 4 trousers, few t-shirts and short pants), meaning that he is where he is not supposed to be right now, he does not belong with us. I started looking for the address of that house after talking to him on the phone. I sent him a message saying that I going somewhere, I don’t know when I will be back and I’m leaving the children alone. I went to the house. Here he is at the door saying bye to his child and the girlfriend. I greeted them and asked for his clothes this time because I could see the furniture was there. He asked what is it that I want from his clothes as I say it’s his. When I said my photos, he said they are at work. I said I’m not leaving until I get inside and look for them. He said to the girlfriend not to open and I can stay as I wish and he left. I called my brother, the three of us talked last night.
He bought the house for his son. What he told me before is that the girlfriend lives somewhere, the affair is over, he only visits the child, he has no intentions of having an affair at this stage (when he moves out he will stay alone). He said he only wants to spend time with his children while rebuilding my trust again. This girlfriend has been neglected by her family because of having a child from a married man. He said this girlfriend is like me and focuses on one boyfriend and really loves him. When she saw that things are becoming sour between the two of them she wanted to fall pregnant so that she can have something to hold on to.
What I asked him yesterday is: How did he buy a house without my signature? Are we still married?
If the house is for the child, why are his clothes there? If there is no affair what is it that they do during his visits? What are they talking about, what are his promises? If the house is for the child, will he allow the girlfriend to have an affair and invite boyfriends in the house or marry and stay there? When did he last have sex with this girlfriend as that is history with us? Is there still an affair going on? Whose the 3rd person in the house (I heard a voice of an elderly woman)?
I did not even get one answer. He told my brother that he must leave this up to us, he knows that he is wrong, and knows what to do to make things right. But he is not ready yet to take that step, I must not force him to anything, he will do things at his pace. After that he left and came back this morning to pick up the children. I guess that is the story of our lives as from now on (according to his likings).
As much as I am against divorce, there is one thing that I can not tolerate, ABUSE, any kind!!! I told my elder son (11 yrs) this morning that things are not ok between me and his father but will do our best to correct them. From now on I decided to include him on whatever decision I make as I see there will be many.
I do not know how I survive each day through this; I count every day as a blessing and BELIEVE IN GOD THAT HE IS WITH ME EVERYSTEP OF THE WAY AS I SEEK STRENGTH FROM HIM. I DID MY BEST; IT’S UP TO GOD NOW!!! The only thing I want to do now is get out of the house as soon as possible, I do not want anything to do with that man, our children are old enough, and he can communicate directly with them.
I do not know my reason for writing to you about this long story of mine, but I hope it is a valid one. Thank you for your time. NPS