What kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your man? In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends—the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.
Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired
Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:
I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.
The reason why this message is needed is that many men—even those with close friendships— seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational women. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.
One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”
Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex. “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.
This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.
Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence
Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.
By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.
One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying —it’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”
Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact, but failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.
But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures and seems to make everything else better.”
Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try, and I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow… and I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”
Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.
Here’s what the men themselves said on the survey:
• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing, and if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED, ‘No’ is not no to sex—as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”
• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”
This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.
Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.
If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.
The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”
A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex, which is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:
We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.
…If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well… that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!
…I recognize that some women might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs, but feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
Make sex a priority
An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue—and provides an important challenge to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”
If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day… Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.
Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.
… Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge you: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.
The above article comes from the terrific book, FOR WOMEN ONLY… What you Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men -by Shaunti Feldhahn, published by Multnomah. This is a GREAT book (which has much more insight on this and many other subjects) to help women learn about what motivates men and their thought processes behind their actions (or non-actions). Shaunti had interviewed over 1000 men in researching this book. As a result she found that she didn’t know the mind of her husband and others like she thought she did. So what she does in this book is reveal the findings her research brought out so that other women can better understand the men in their lives which will help them to better interact with them. Preview or Purchase this book now
There is also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available, written by Shaunti Feldhahn along with Lisa Rice, which is published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, in small groups, or even for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many women, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “So what do I do with the information I’ve just been given?” This discussion guide is designed to answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn in your own life. Preview or purchase this book now
-ALSO-
There was a radio broadcast series that aired a while ago where Nancy DeMoss interviewed Shaunti Feldhahn and Barbara Rainey on this same subject. We believe you would greatly benefit from reading the transcripts. To do so, click onto the links provided below:
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(USA) I wonder about the husbands who do not respond to their wives sexual advances. The need should be fulfilled both ways right?
(USA) Wow… this is almost sad. Men honestly can’t believe that their form of love comes from sex. Women are just not pleased enough in that arena for that to be the form of expression.
Sex is a way to produce children and to spend time with one another. Men have no problem taking control of the situation by finishing first, and women are left wanting more… Where is the love in that? When two people in a relationship are not being satisfied physically and emotionally, then what is the point?
Men, if your wife got the job done every time you two had sex, and you didn’t, would you really feel loved? Would you start to hate sex, and wish that your wife paid a little more attention to you? Sex is a sad story no matter who is getting pleased unless both spouses are getting the attention they deserve/need.
(USA) I am 31 years old and my wife is 34. I don’t understand her lack of desire at times. I am very frustrated and it seems like she always has another priority in mind. I remind her constantly about the desire that I start to feel about every 3 days. This article is so true and I do want to be loved accepted and desired. But it seems like there is always something else more important. It’s becoming harder and harder to not look at other women and pornography at times. Weeks will go by without physical intimacy and it will leave me feeling hurt and rejected.
(USA) Why isn’t this being taught and educated to people, all over the world, in marriage and to churches worldwide? This serious marriage problem is being kept silent till people marry, then they find out the hard way, after they are trapped in marriage. That’s wrong!
Both men and woman, in the institution of marriage need to know what to expect before they marry, after marriage and during marriage and what to expect and find ways and have tools to deal with this marriage problem. Ignorance is not bliss, it’s costly and hurts everyone and all of society. Isn’t this one major reason why divorce is an enormous problem?
(UK) Some real home truths in this article. It’s nice to see the men’s side of it instead of women’s. You can’t blame men for giving up sometimes. I think it is a no-brainer for both parties –men are from Mars & women are from Venus. It’s a nasty circle. The woman doesn’t give the man what he needs emotionally & physically so the man feels rejected, sick of initiating, embarrassed etc & creeps off back under a rock with rejection, lacking confidence & not sure what to do next. He’s made to feel like a sex mad monster.
The man then detaches from his partner so she does not get what she wants such as chats, cuddles, a man friend – so she feels unloved & bitter, so does not respond/initiate sex any more, keeps him out of the loop, and goes out more. This goes on & on until she gets into an affair – where the woman will find a man who will talk to her & make her feel close.
She wants sex because really she HAS missed it, BUT has sex with a man who is some other woman’s rejection that wants to feel good again by being with a woman that wants sex. But the difference here is the man knows he has to put the charm on as it won’t be wasted as the woman wants him as well. He’s wooed her and made her feel special because he has one thing on his mind.
What happens though when your wife doesn’t let you massage her, get in the bath with her, when she’s too busy to talk/settle down/relax for the evening with a glass of wine with you? You’re too busy and work long hrs to give her & your kids the best life. She doesn’t want to go away for the weekend, doesn’t want to go out, is too tired, feels ill, goes to bed before you to escape, gets up before you to escape, won’t listen to your needs, and won’t dress up. In fact she won’t do any thing & will avoid being backed into a corner to avoid sex!!! What is a so called Husband if you have the confidence left to call yourself a MAN, do then??
All these sex articles – you can tell women wrote them because they are always about how the women feels & how to make her happy & what men need to do & the man needs to wine & dine & woo her —- oh what ever.
Well what about what women need to do for their men? It’s 50/50 isn’t it – two to tango & all that? Again, what if the woman isn’t interested in all that, what do us men do? How can we make them feel loved & woo them if they wont accept it? I would love to know. It is mankind, human nature – this is what made cavemen and women move on. We are designed to get bored & move on – to generate/reproduce.
(USA) I only see a couple female comments here. They have the same problem as we men, but on the other side of the fence. However, I would wager that the men who have found this article have been living in misery for years and have tried everything possible to turn the situation around.
For my part, I have been the poster-child for the attentive, helpful, romantic, supportive husband. For a while, I even bought into the lie that "sex starts in the kitchen." Over the years, I have consistently tried arranging special outings, sending flowers, leaving notes, complimenting her in front of friends — all the stuff women claim as lacking when they lose interest and think they are just being used. And, I’ve done so w/o sacrificing my self respect or becoming the pushover husband that undermines his wife’s respect for him.
For 15 years I’ve been struggling with this issue. Frankly, I’m cooked. I’ve been on the brink 3 times now of succumbing to the temptation to enter into an affair. Each time it gets harder. I no longer buy the "I’m too exhausted from juggling the demands of work/kids/spouse/household." When did women secure exclusivity to suffering these afflictions? I work just as hard and long, am responsible for just as much with the kids, and put just as much time into the household.
Yet, I still desire my wife. I still want to arrange special outings, dinner, a weekend getaway. But I’m on the brink of giving up. How long are we supposed to sustain relational abandonment. If we complain, we’re whiners and become even less attractive. So we have to just suck it up and pretend everything is OK. How long do we have to do this? Why? Why is all the attention she craves (that many of us give and more) legitimate, but the type of attention we desire is not?
Do I sound bitter? Angry? I’m sending her the link to this article. I wonder if she’ll recognize this posting as mine. I wonder if she’ll care.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years. In the last 5 years we’ve had sex 4 times. My husband blames it all on me. Here is the real story: He’s borderline diabetic and has erectile dysfunction, refuses to go to a Dr. and won’t give into the fact that this is the main problem. But, if you can’t get it up and make it stay up you can’t do much. So, for me this problem is a blessing to me…read on…
Years past when we have had sex, he gets through it quickly. We’ve had little or no foreplay. I’m left unfulfilled and depressed. I’ve told him this. He says I need to respond to him quicker.
We have both been married before. I find him not as good a lover as my ex-husband. Being a Christian woman, I didn’t "try" him out first before marriage.
I’m not sure what to do.
(USA) I see both sides to this. I have been with my fiance for almost eight years. I’m 24 and sadly most of the time I turn him down because to me it’s just another way to have an orgasm. I just thought it was a physical thing as to where it’s not about how much he loves me or any of that. Sadly it has never occurred to me that it’s something more than just sex.
I mean, I feel intimacy during, but I don’t crave it as much as he does. I can live without it but lately he is becoming angry and distant from me. It’s hard when I really am not in the mood and he wants it. I work all day granted, as does he, but I just want to relax after work…
I am worried that he may want to get the emotional connection with another woman. I am down right terrified that if I don’t (pardon this) "put out" he may find another who will. It’s not like I don’t like sex; it’s more of again, I can live without it.
It goes into an ugly cycle. I hate rejecting him yet I feel like a sex failure because I can’t seem to get into the mood for him even though I love him with all my heart and I don’t want to fake anything. We’re not even married yet and he is already talking about my sex dry spells. Yikes.
I don’t really know how to fix this but I did learn quite a bit from the comments and this article and it makes me want to connect more with him and try harder.
(TANZANIA) I’ve been married for 10 years. I am a Christian. I don’t want to repeat what others have said. I can identify with everything in this article. I have suffered in the hands of my wife. I hate all those marriage books, because they "bash" the men without understanding them. It’s all a big lie. "Pamper your wife, help in the kitchen and with household work and you will have great nights."
Don’t be fooled. If she decides to be "tired" or "cold" or is "dealing with something in my heart", whether you cleaned the toilet and bought flowers or not, it does not matter. You stay denied or rejected. The rejection has been unbearable for me. She says I want her for sex, but for I want her for me, for love, for esteem, for my confidence and success in whatever I do. It’s her that I want. It’s just unfortunate that I can only get all these through her wanting me back, via sex with me. Not words only. Sex is not only supposed to happen when she wants it, but when I want it too.
There is always a reason why we can’t be intimate. I am sick of it!! Tiredness, sickness, pain, cold weather, it’s too hot, bad TV programs, and the list is so long. Anything and everything is a reason for not being intimate with me. For her to turn her back and not respond to my touching her, it’s killing me everyday. I feel like a failure. I run a multimillion business, but it’s all useless to me if my wife cannot feel attracted to me enough to want me.
As for me, I lost the battle. I met someone, who made me re-discover my self esteem again. It had plummeted, I was sad and gloomy even when I did have sex with my wife. Because I knew deep within me that she doesn’t want me or that there was no guarantee for another round another day, unless it’s her desire not mine.
My girlfriend now even calls me that she wants me. She can be unwell and tired, but will ask me to do it for her to sleep well. It’s not like all the time we meet we have sex. But rather the fact that she is willing, that she wants me, and actually tells me. She’s sad if we go 2 or 3 days without a romp. She wonders what’s wrong. SHE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A MAN. She tells me how well I do her. We can do it for more than an hour (real sex). I love her.
But even with this, I am still bitter. Bitter that this happened at all, coz my wife isn’t the one doing this with me. I am bitter with me, and hurt by her (my wife’s) continued rejection. This only makes me want to stay on with my new gal. Maybe I will keep both. She drove me to this, but I love her so much.
I know most of you may not understand how this can be. But it is. Women can make us do what we hate… I am sorry.
(USA) I have been loving and caring of all my husbands needs and all I get is criticized and put down and put in second place. My husband destroyed our sex life by treating my body like his property and that makes me feel like a harlot. For instance, what man do you know has his wife dress up for him, makes love to him, for him to come home and treat you like you’re not there every time like nothing ever happened? He picks fights and even tries to get me to leave the room. Though I understand that men need that feeling of being loved, we need that feeling of importance too. I’m not a one night stand. I’m his wife.