What kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your man? In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends—the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.
Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired
Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:
I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.
The reason why this message is needed is that many men—even those with close friendships— seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational women. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.
One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”
Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex. “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.
This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.
Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence
Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.
By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.
One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying —it’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”
Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact, but failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.
But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures and seems to make everything else better.”
Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try, and I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow… and I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”
Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.
Here’s what the men themselves said on the survey:
• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing, and if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED, ‘No’ is not no to sex—as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”
• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”
This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.
Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.
If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.
The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”
A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex, which is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:
We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.
…If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well… that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!
…I recognize that some women might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs, but feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
Make sex a priority
An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue—and provides an important challenge to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”
If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day… Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.
Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.
… Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge you: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.
The above article comes from the terrific book, FOR WOMEN ONLY… What you Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men -by Shaunti Feldhahn, published by Multnomah. This is a GREAT book (which has much more insight on this and many other subjects) to help women learn about what motivates men and their thought processes behind their actions (or non-actions). Shaunti had interviewed over 1000 men in researching this book. As a result she found that she didn’t know the mind of her husband and others like she thought she did. So what she does in this book is reveal the findings her research brought out so that other women can better understand the men in their lives which will help them to better interact with them. Preview or Purchase this book now
There is also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available, written by Shaunti Feldhahn along with Lisa Rice, which is published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, in small groups, or even for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many women, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “So what do I do with the information I’ve just been given?” This discussion guide is designed to answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn in your own life. Preview or purchase this book now
-ALSO-
There was a radio broadcast series that aired a while ago where Nancy DeMoss interviewed Shaunti Feldhahn and Barbara Rainey on this same subject. We believe you would greatly benefit from reading the transcripts. To do so, click onto the links provided below:
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(TONGA LAND) The Bible has all the answers to the issue we are discussing about sex in marriage. If we could follow the teachings of the Bible we could have a happy marriage full of good sex and romance. God has given us the institution of marriage where couples could enjoy each other freely and whole-heartedly, but the problem lies in selfishness. You find a wife starves her husband by not giving him enough sex, while a man desires more of his wife.
What does the Bible say, in the book of Genesis chapter 3 verse 16? “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee”. The woman’s desire is for her husband, meaning she has to desire to please him, to satisfy his needs, etc. If a husband is not around, the woman is supposed to long for him, desire to see his face, be with him & love him. As for men, it is our duty to LOVE the wife, the wife has to submit, obey etc. But what is happening nowadays is the opposite, a husband is the one who desires his wife, while a wife is now the ruler of the husband.
The way God created a man, He created him in a way that the reproductive system of a man is hot and needs to release the pressure every 24 hrs. If we look in animal kingdom, the male to female ratio is 1 to many. Hence in the Old Testament & other tribes they allow polygamy, the reason being, to enable men fulfill their work effectively, etc. However in the New Testament the issue of polygamy is silent. It’s not accepted. For a Deacon or an Overseer has to be a man who has one wife. This tells if you are a Christian; you must have one wife. This tells us to always enjoy love & sex with our spouse. There must be room for compromise. Letting one another down creates unnecessary tension, which can result in evil desires, then sin, then one’s down fall.
Husband, love your wife, so like wise wife submit. Obey your husband in the fear of the Lord. Men, learn to love your wife and understand her that she is a weaker vessel, but by the grace of the Lord, you will make it.
I have been married to my beautiful wife for 6 years. The first year was great; everything was super, love, romance & sex was super. Things started to change after the birth of our son. After a year when she started using contraceptive pills, she said she did not have desire (libido) to have sex. She was saying that lack of libido was one of the side effects, so most of the times she was turning me down etc.
here was a time I nearly went astray, but I tried my best to remain faithful. I talked to her on several occasions on how I felt about the whole issue. Still things were not working, until recently, she happened to travel and we missed each other for 2 months. We could talk on the phone & e-mail. This break has done wonders. Now she is back. It’s like we have started all over again. Our sex life is back to square one, and we are enjoying each & every moment we are together.
We have agreed to keep the fire burning. The time we missed each other was a time of soul searching and rebirth of love. We have rediscovered the formula and I believe by the grace of our Lord Jesus we will make it. Thank God for saving my marriage.
Sometimes a break can do good, but it should not be a very long break. 2 weeks of missing is good; also praying for one another is a key.
(US) You’re kidding me.!! Men are actually handing over a large amount of power to women. Women have the power to increase your self confidence and self esteem. Oh please, why would you hand over so much power? I’m sorry, but you sound like a bunch of wimps, crying because you dropped your ice cream. Why do you need someone to make you feel “loved and needed”. It seems to me that your self esteem should come from within yourself and not from another person or from sex.
Nobody is placed on this earth to make you feel complete, you need to accomplish this yourself. Nobody is handing me my self esteem on a platter and it’s crazy that you expect that from another person and then use some lame excuse that it’s your wives fault that you are depressed. Then you try and ‘justify’ an affair. You are truely, without a doubt, the weeker sex.
(UNITED STATES) I am alarmed at the number of men who honestly are ok with the idea that they receive their validation from their wives. The biblical picture of sex between man and woman is just that, a picture, a portrayal of the relationship we have with God. We are the Bride of Christ! The intimacy of a sexual relationship is designed to be the most intimate experience humans have, as it fortells of the intimacy God desires with us. His love for us is far more than simply bringing us to heaven. It is about the greatest love affair of all time. God’s love for us is deeper than just the way we feel, it is about the deepest parts of our hearts, the deepest wounds to be healed, the deepest desires we can know all spring from this relationship.
I am a recovering sex addict, 13 years in recovery, an addict from the age of 12, and turned 40 this year. Throughout years of ministry, pastoral, youth, and college, I would say things like, “…my wife’s desire for sex with me, passionate, toe-curling sex, is a reflection of how much she loves me, how much I mean to her, how in love with me she is…all because of articles like this one….that is utter rubbish.
I am to take my strength, as a man, not a macho, puffed up, posing manliness, that is weak and sniveling, but true masculinity, that which comes from God, and is passed to me through that relationship. I am to take that to the woman, offer her my strength…use it for her. It is a travesty that too many men go to women for their validation. She holds the keys, and what happens when the report card she gives you is a failing grade? She does NOT have the last word for you as a man, God does. His validation will seal you, and then you can be in a relationship with a woman and offer her your true self.
I know, some of you are cringing at the thought of a macho holy roller, whopping his wife over the head with his Bible. That is not it at all. When I stopped searching for my wife to validate me, I became a man that she could not keep her hands off of… she desires me, because I am becoming the man she thought she was getting 16 years ago.
I have so much more to say….maybe another time… Have your men read, “Wild At Heart” by John Eldredge? It will change their lives… Women, read, “Captivating” by Stasi Eldredge, it will change your life as well, not to mention your marriage. …ntil next time… Logan
(CANADA) L. or Logan, Why are you married then? Leave and do minister work and get rid of the ‘ole wifey. For His sake you should leave. No? Whimp.
(USA) I am enjoying reading all the comments. I wonder what all these men look, feel and smell like who are complaining about their wives not wanting to have sex with them? I wonder when the last time these husbands really tried to please their wife during sex? I wonder if you are really that terrible at making love that perhaps she really has no desire for you? Perhaps you are doing something that actually really turns her off. It may be no wonder why she does not want to be intimate with you. I am not justifying the refusals but it has to go both ways.
Perhaps she is not attracted to you physically. Perhaps, because you are behaving like a spoiled child who did not get his lollypop today, you are making her feel like your mother. Perhaps you are making her feel like a whore you picked up off the street who is only there to satisfy you. Perhaps it would be easy to make love to you if you loved yourself enough to take care of yourself and get in shape. Perhaps you could understand how your wife feels after going to work, preparing dinner, taking care of the kids, cleaning house, and all the other things in her day that deplete her energy.
If you are not helping meet her needs, how can you wonder why she does not have the energy at the end of the day to take care of your needs? Is it any wonder that you are not getting your needs met?
I want to say, Grow up and be a man! Wives don’t want to be made to feel responsible for your depression and all your other poor self esteem issues. Your self esteem should not be her responsibility. Stop whining and meet some of her needs, then perhaps some of your needs might get met. I don’t think you men understand how demeaning it is for you to demand sex and treat your wife like a whore and then wonder why she is not interested in sex. And then if she doesn’t come through for you, you accuse her of rejecting you and become sullen and reject her. Sex then becomes a duty and an obligation, which is not what you want. It is a vicious circle, but it is not all the woman’s fault, which some of you seem to think.
I understand you have physical needs that women don’t have, but it is more than physical for women. We need to feel safe, nurtured and loved, and we need romance and heart to heart conversation. We don’t get turned on at a drop of a hat, it takes time and attention. We have to plan for sex, it is not usually just spontaneous, especially as we get older and have more responsibilities and physical ailments. We don’t get turned on by your constant, needy sexual advances, we need romance and relaxation to be turned on.
I am betting that most of these husbands who are complaining about not getting enough sex are living with wives who feel used up, unloved, and misunderstood and subsequently are unable to open up to their husbands because he can’t or won’t be intimate with her and meet her emotional needs. If you are feeling rejected because your wife isn’t giving you enough sex, first look in the mirror, and then try to walk a mile in her shoes. If you want a perky little woman who will love to love you; make that possible for her! Be the man she wants to love.
(USA) CL, Wow, that’s a pretty good rant. So what is your scriptural basis for that? Can you show me in scripture where it says for a wife to refuse sex or to simply refuse to be loving towards her husband because he doesn’t meet her standards?
I’m not arguing against husbands doing those things, so don’t mis-understand. However, I think you’ll find a lot of husbands DID or even DO those things and yet the situation doesn’t change.
Or worse, my ex-wife wouldn’t make love with me. Wouldn’t even talk about what would make it better, what would it take for her to be enthusiastic about it. But she had no problem having an affair and opening up to another married man.
So, should I just assume that the problem is with women? After all, my experience is that women cannot be open and honest with their husbands. When a husband senses something wrong and asks specific questions about how to make things better, she will lie and say things are fine, while she’s sleeping with another man. For me to say that is about as valid as your rant here.
This topic was for wives to look at their stuff. To make sure they are in the right with respect to scripture and how they treat their husbands.
From the last I heard, women don’t have some lock on morality. God says in His word that ALL are sinners. Not just men. So for every man who may fall into what you’ve described, there is probably a woman who fails to respond to men who do exactly what you describe if not more.
But it appears this topic is about those women who have unilaterally decided that they are the final say regarding what should or shouldn’t be important for their husbands.
So I suggest instead of blaming men, why not take your advice and walk in the shoes of the man who is all you say he should be, but his wife has decided that neither he, nor scripture really knows how important sex is to the marital relationship?
(S.AFRICA) Dear CL, I could not have said it better.
(FRANCE) I love my wife so much yet for the last 25 years we’ve been married we make love perhaps once every three months and now even less. Is it me or is she turned on with someone else?
(NIGERIA) Why we have to experience this, I don’t know. I’ve been married for 4 years and at the beginning, things were rosy. Right now, it’s like I have to book an appointment to have sex. I give all the signs and verbal hints but get no response just the regular responses of I’m tired, my waist or leg aches or I have headache.
I help in cleaning the house, going to the market, etc, but it doesn’t still help. She’d rather cuddle or just lie down and talk or stare into each other’s eyes. On [certain actions] in foreplay, one day she said I should stop that it is not biblical. She used to [do certain things for me] and has stopped; same reason. These used to add flair to the romance, but now, she says those [certain actions] can cause a miscarriage (we’ve lost two pregnancies and I feel she is emotionally low; but I give her support). Even positioning is an almost forgone issue.
Even when we have sex or make love, it’s one sided like she’s fulfilling all righteousness. There was a time we had it 3-4 times a week and I was the one to say lets take a day’s break, but now 1-2 weeks. If I keep silent, it can go longer.
I have been tempted I must confess. I’ve looked (emotional infidelity) but not had the guts to stray (the fear of God). My self esteem is not bashed as described by most men; I don’t allow her rejection to affect that part of me. It just leaves a hole within me. It creates an emptiness that I used to fill with self-gratification and porn but have since forgone these. I’m learning to do without it and this is dangerous ‘cos I’d reject her also.
Wives need to realize that being a Christian does not necessarily enhance you as a man sexually. Literarily I mean, it’s no guarantee that either party won’t cheat. We need help, wives; we really need it.