Things are really turning around, and I praise God totally for it! For me, it was as we started rebuiling safety. Both of us were holding on to the past, and it took some close-calls, some pretty difficult conversations, to really get past the poison and realize we were replaying old tapes. This has allowed us to both be more honest and accepting of one another, and my sexual desire has been sky-rocketing. And of course… she wants it all the time .

Sexual problems can change, people. We aren’t perfect, there are going to be difficulties and there are still times when I am terrified, but it has been getting so much better. Praise God.

One of the biggest things I realized is that, for my wife, sexual giving is (at least partly) what makes her feel like a woman and what makes her feel like I really care. She loves that I take care of her and do things for her, sure. But when I really take the time with her sexually, she definitely responds to it. Conversely, when we would have sex and I would duck out as quickly as possible, it drove a wedge between us. And to be honest, I know I would feel the same way as her if that were to happen.

Michelle, you said, “Yes, a woman will respond to her husband if he is treating her well, etc but also a woman can change a man’s heart if she really wants to.” While I would say that God has to do the changing, I really do agree that we have a -huge- influence on each other and on the marriage. When one person changes, it really can bring change into the dynamic of the relationship and lead to change in the other. Again, praise God in Jesus Christ!

And Michelle, reading your story made me think I was reading my wife’s in some ways. Thank you for sharing!

1. It sounds like your husband has some problems being honest. It may be that he is a “nice guy” (see Paul Coughlin’s book, No More Christian Nice Guy). So, instead of talking openly with you about sex and his sexual desires, he uses his “hints” -some negative (moping, bad moods, etc.) and probably some positive (for example, are there times, about once a week, where he is extra-sweet to you or more “touchy” toward you?). “Nice” guys (take it from a recovering nice guy) are not so “nice” at all, even though they may not be blunt, because they aren’t honest. They expect others to respond to them through things like manipulation or, when people don’t take their hints, through anger. Of course, it may be that he just is so bitter that he feels he shouldn’t have to ask you or tell you what he wants. You know him better than I.

2. It sounds like you give him sex to placate him, like giving a lion a steak so that he won’t eat you or a three-year-old little boy the toy he wants so that he’ll stop screaming and leave you alone. In other words, you are pandering to his attitudes rather than giving to him in love. Don’t misunderstand… I’m being simplistic. I know that there are mixed motives, including love (probably). But because there is no connection with him, no honesty about your lack of overall intimacy with him (this isn’t primarily a problem with sex, I bet), you resent him because you feel like you are giving to that bratty little child just to shut him up even though he doesn’t care a rip about giving back to you. But, despite how great an actor you might be, I bet your husband senses your distance. There is no connection, and he knows it. Plus,

I’m not a sex therapist, but I will tell you from my own experience that it sounds like there is an overall lack of intimacy between the both of you. A counselor once told me that intimacy is being fully known and fully loved (accepted) without fear of rejection. I’m not saying that he won’t open up because of you -it is probably partly due to the interaction between you both and partly due to his own sin issues- but people do lots of things to “keep peace”: placate the other person, keep quiet, don’t tell them what is really bugging them, enable sinful behavior, etc. But there is often a huge price to pay down the line. It leads to resentment because nothing is dealt with and those little internal messages we have about what we want, don’t want, like, and don’t like, get stuffed down further and further inside. They spoil and turn sour in our hearts, and we shut down more toward the other person. Eventually, we are two strangers living in the same house, and then we wonder why there is no affection or emotional connection.

Since you can’t directly change him (or anybody for that matter) but only be an instrument of change in the Lord’s hands, my imperfect and humble opinion is that the following things might be helpful.

1. Prayer. I’m sure you’ve been praying like crazy about this, so I’m just listing it for completeness. Pray for yourself, that the Lord would reveal the things in your own heart that you need to deal with. Pray for your husband, too. Don’t just pray that he will change so that life will be easier. Pray that the Lord would help him get in touch with his own bitterness and fear, which are keeping him locked away.

2. Forgive. Forgive your husband. I’m nobody to tell you that this is easy, but I think you need to come to some peace with God about this situation and realize, truly in your heart, that your husband is just a sinful, flawed person just like you and everybody, who needs Jesus. I know you know that, but to “know” it in our hearts and be able to let go of the debts we are holding against them is a different story. If you don’t do this, then whenever you try to talk to him (see my next step) you will inevitably turn it around on him -you’ll start talking about him and his problems and how angry you are at him, and you’ll get nowhere because nobody wants to be punished. He won’t be open to listen at all. Men, especially, don’t respond to anything that feels like nagging or punishment.

3. Confession and honesty. As you see things about yourself, like about how you grow resentful, about how you placate him, and whatever else the Lord shows you about your heart, confess it to your husband. Keep it about you and your sins and problems, not his. What is the difference? Well, for example, his problem is that he is manipulative about his sexual needs and doesn’t seem to put any effort into connecting with you or making you feel like a woman. Your problem is that you don’t like his moping and distance, and it brings you to give him sex but just resent him. As you start to open up to him and also confess to him where you have resented him, it will cut through the tension like a knife and, Lord willing, will pave the way toward him opening up, too. So, in short, find out your problems, your responsibilities, and be honest and open about where you have sinned and failed.

4. Continue to build safety and intimacy by conveying love, acceptance, and commitment toward him even when you disagree with him or think he’s an ass. There has to be that honesty and safety. That is the “formula,” if you will, for connection in relationships. Does your husband know that you are safe? I don’t mean “safe” in the sense that you won’t leave him. I mean safe in the sense that he knows he can be completely himself without being punished, condemned, rejected, abandoned, or belittled. Do you feel that way with him?

If all of this does nothing, then it may be that your husband refuses to cooperate, which you’ve alluded to. In that case, he is on a course of self-destruction with no desire whatsoever to change. That is where setting firm boundaries may come in essential, along with the honest communication (don’t be tempted to run under ground, withdraw, and start punishing him). The book Boundaries or even Boundaries in Marriage (by Cloud and Townsend) might be helpful, if you haven’t already read them. Keep in mind also that you don’t want to go through these steps simply to make him behave differently. They are good for you to go through simply because it will help you heal and deal with your own issues before the Lord. This is a stab in the dark. I hope things get better with you guys. I know they can.

What is offensive is that you think sex is a “low standard.” Nothing was said about building a relationship on sex. However, one can destroy a marriage if they withhold sex.

Think of your most treasured emotional need. Now think about if your future husband refused to meet that need because you didn’t do something he thought you should do. Let’s say he wouldn’t have intimate conversation with you because you were not taking care of this task similar to clipping hedges.

Relationships that are built with sex being the key to it, will only fail in the end because it was only built on that and nothing more. If I have to sleep with men just to have them not feel like clipping hedges in the freezing rain then I have obviously picked the rotten easy ones at the bottom of the tree instead of the top ones that have worked hard to be there.

It appears that there are women out there that will hook you with a dousing of love and affection and believe that once it is marriage, that it is a “cold” business type of arrangement. I know many people have seen this growing up, I have too – I always thought it looked odd and made the man to look like he didn’t even have any courage. It made the woman look greedy beyond belief, but I know the family members who do buy into that particular phisod think that the woman has too much strength for the man and that she must satisfy her carnal desires outside of the marital bond. The wed-lock is actually performed with someone outside of the relationship, while the husband is left being less than an alone situation. I know what it is first hand, and I was an attractive man, physically and mentally. It took me to my spirtial knees, but it was not strength. Rather, that if someone loves you that they can take advantage of you that no one else can.

It totally blows my mind. I did not get married to put someone into my life who’s going to be passing judgement on me, and also pointing out things I may do behind closed doors to people who may have an ability to affect my life. Also ontop of that not to have a romantically involved partner.

Men be careful. I think that many of those controlling behaviors that you may complain about that may be minor nuisances at the moment, may be the way your spouse perceives you. That she may use every avenues possible to control you. What I tell a woman at that point, is you may as well be a man. If you hit me I will hit you like a man, and to preserve my masculinity as a female acting like a man – I’m going to have to treat you as a man who is coming to rob me. That’s what it is.

I watched men who cannot have sex with their own wives. There is nothing wrong with these men, but if they make their wife their exclusive sex partner, there will be something wrong. I have seen men who cannot club with their wives, who cannot share attention or spotlight with the wives, because the wives will not allow it.

One man took his wife to the club, and he was broken I saw it. I did not understand it while I was younger, but he must have other men entertain and dance with his own wife. I understand now what I was seeing. That was a henpecked man, who was being a man taking his wife to the club. Allowing her to be entertained, while he knew he would not be able to share pleasure with her.

What a selfish and stinky act by that woman. The perversity of it, and it goes unspoken. Corrupt women turn our wives, and it is basically an infinite greed. And many of the wives where like this before talking with women who where helping them to get much more than they should get out of a situation.

I don’t think it’s right. My eyes are open. I can see a gold digger without you telling me what she is, I can see a prostititute without you telling me that’s what it is. I can see a woman who is going to do right by you, I can see the women who may end your life. They transmit it in their image.

I don’t think most of us get married and imagine a “business arrangement” with someone who won’t give of themself to you, maybe might give it to the person outside of the relationship that they are trying to get closer to. I’m not sure how women think standing by their man is being weak.

In all the readings I have done, I can understand people are likely going to cheat. Affairs are dangerous and before embarking on one, are you really trying to say that your partner is impotent and a fool?

It’s usually not the truth going into it, and a nagging and complaining individual is simply issuing personal attacks to make themself feel superior in a “mud-slinging” approach. “Mud-slinging” works if the politics listen to it. I’m going to shut up now and I put enough info out there to help alot of individuals.

Men-Women, a lot of these situations you are trying to save even in a Christian way are un-savable. That spouse or siginificant other of yours may be simply saying your are a fool for going along with their bullshit.

Take care of yourself, it’s nice when you have real friends and real relationship partners but many times we don’t. It’s a self-serving, “its all about me” persona.

My wife and I are separated but we continue to be committed because of our devotion to God. We have made great strides in our relationship and it is getting better each day. I was the one who found God, she was always a believer, and found out my responsibilities to her.

So I put aside all the feelings of hurt and abandonment and gave her what she needed emotionally. I prop her up daily, tell her how much I love and desire her, spoil her when I can. She now knows that everything I have physically and emotionally is hers. With that she has become more and more attracted to me. She lets me know that she desires me, which in turn makes me feel like a complete man. With that I feel even more drawn to her and find new ways to feed her ego and let her know that she is the most important person in my life.

I could have put conditions on her and I working out, she needed to do this etc. But I just let go, put it in God’s hands and treated her as God wanted her to be treated. When I talked to her, I let God speak for me and let her know that His unconditional love was coming through me.

One person has to say”enough”, one person needs to start the healing. I could have waited for her but I didn’t. I took the lead and my marriage is turning into everything I have always wanted. I stopped thinking about her having to change this or that, and started focusing on my changing so she wanted to be with me.

What I am saying is, do you want to let go or do you want to hold on and make the first step? You can sit back and do nothing or you can take the first step and try to lead him to being a Godly husband who satisfies your emotional needs.

I made the first step because I needed to break my self destructive behavior and I did not want to die. With that I finally understood what my wife needed and started to give it to her. Through wanting to fix something else I ended up fixing my marriage. Are you willing to let your husband get to where I am? Are you willing to let him make the first move as a show of faith on his part? Or are you going to put on God’s armor, which no rejection or attack can penetrate, and take your marriage back?

45 David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. 46 This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. 47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”

God will be there for us to stand with us in all our challenges and battles. The only time we will fail is when we stray away from Him and try to work it out on our own.

My view of sex was damaged when I was a child and teenager, and I have sought advice from professionals for this. I have made some progress, and I willingly and dutifully meet his needs once a week, but I realize that I can’t seem to move forward from this point and I get angry when he asks for more or asks me to make it more exciting. What I didn’t recognize until today is that I think I blamed my husband for every chauvinistic and degrading thing men have said or the way they have treated me since I was a teenager.

I used to be a model, aspiring singer, and actress. I was also raised to be very conservative and to never put a price on my dignity. The entertainment industry really made me despise the actions of men, and I found myself always fighting to prove I was more than just what they saw on the outside. I found out the hard way that I was not going to get anywhere unless I allowed myself to be exploited. Everything was so superficial and all about how I looked, dressed, and even sang. I began to believe this was the only way to get the attention I so desperately wanted, having been rejected and hurt so deeply as a child, and I went along with certain aspects of it even though my conscience was seared. My conscience eventually reigned and at one point, I had had enough and left the industry to focus on God …this is when I became a Christian. I now believe I have been damaged more than I knew from the way I was treated.

My husband is the first and only man I have ever been with (this is one area in my life where I refused to bend in the entertainment industry and it isn’t surprising that this hurt my career). We have a great marriage for the most part, but we have always had problems in the sexual arena. This article has encouraged me to evaluate my responses to my husband when he asks me for more exciting or more frequent intercourse. And it goes beyond this because even when he caresses me or tells me how attracted he is to me, I have bad responses. I find myself getting offended by his comments and often snap, saying things like “stop treating me like an object,” or “why do you have to turn this into a sexual thing?”

When I kiss him goodbye sometimes, he will hug me close and make comments about how sexy or hot he thinks I am, and I find myself pushing him away in disgust. It seems like I am taking out my anger on him for all the things men have said to and about me in the past…and I am putting him in the same category as those cads. Wow–the more I open up about this, the more I see how abrasive and flat-out mean I have been when it comes to our sexual relationship. I totally have a skewed view of of sex in general, and I need to spend more time focusing on his feelings and needs so I can understand why it is so important to him.

I was really convicted by what one of the men interviewed said about how he wishes he was irresistible to his wife in the same way he can’t resist her. My husband always makes the advances and always seems so attracted to me…he must really feel like I am not attracted to him and this must really hurt him deep inside. It isn’t going to be easy because I didn’t become this way overnight, but I am going to take steps (and PRAY!!) to see the sexual relationship in a godly way and be more giving to my husband. Thank you for this insight and I really hope I can become a better wife and partner to my husband.

We all want love, and we all want to be adored. Problem is, no one wants to learn to give love to others unconditionally. When you can do this for someone else, you’ll attract it back in to your life. I’m not saying there aren’t people out there who will take and give nothing, you need to work this one out. But most people are reasonable and will be more open to your needs if you are meeting theirs.

If you’ve gone without sex for that long, you think you want sex. But what we really want is love.

There’s nothing wrong with a man wanting love and validation from his wife. I understand this about my man and give it all to him. For the women who scoff at the men wanting validation from their women, you have problems. What are you married for? Or even in a relationship for? If it’s not to make the other person’s life better and to contribute? This is selfish.

If you want to learn more about meeting a man’s needs and becoming more feminine and well as achieving the ultimate relationship, please visit: http://www.thefemininewoman.com

I’m a more than a bit concerned that you’re talking marriage after only 3 months of knowing each other. New love is grand, but it can also be deceptive (as many people find out too late). It’s obvious that you and this man have a lot of issues you need to work through to grow your love into one that is sustainable. Please, please, please slow things down and give yourselves time (at LEAST a year before marrying) as well as serious discussion times to work through important issues, such as the ones you bring up in your comments. (We have many questions listed as well as recommended resources for additional ones in the “Marriage Preparation Materials” section of this web site that could help you.)

If you and this man aren’t BOTH able to work through some major compromises as a team while you’re still single, marriage would be a scary thing, and an eventual break-up could be in your future. He may be a great guy and you may be a great gal, but that doesn’t mean that you are great for each other in marriage. Seeking wisdom from God, time and working through issues can help you to know if you should enter into this sacred union.

If you’re questioning how much time you can give up to be in a marriage partnership (including a sexual partnership) and you question your ability to restructure your life to accommodate what it will take to be married to this man, then I question whether getting married is a good idea.

It appears that you BOTH need to slow this relationship down, do a lot of honest discussing, seeing if you can work differences out in healthy ways, learn what GOD requires and wants in marriage, recognize and work through your differences (the “Gender Differences” section may help you with this), and see from there if you would be a good marital team who is willing to sacrifice for each other and help each other to be all you can be in Christ. (Reading the book “Sacred Marriage” may be a good idea for both of you to go through and discuss together. You can find a description and link to it in the “Spiritual Matters” resource section.)

I hope you will prayerfully consider what I’m encouraging you to do. I’m concerned about your differing ideas about sex, but from what Steve and I can see, it’s just the tip of the relationship ice berg that is facing you before you’re ready to get married. May God give you wisdom and strength on this relationship journey and may God speak to each of your hearts and lives.

1) Is sex a need? If you are asking will anyone die if they don’t have sex, then no. However, God created a desire in men to be attracted to a woman with a desire to have sex. It is a biological phenomenon the the male will have a desire for release every 48 to 72 hours, depending on age. I’m speaking in generalities here so please understand that every man is different. God created this desire so that man would be drawn to the woman and remember to tend to her needs and in return the woman would tend to his needs. There is a huge amount of give and take in a marriage.

The generational hippy thing more than likely has little to do with his desire. Speaking in generalities again, women need to have more verbal connection than men. If your future husband were to say to you “I just can’t understand why you need to talk about things all the time. Why can’t you just think through it and not bother me with all this talking?” His attitude and actions would be contrary to the way you as a woman are wired. Just as your thoughts on having sex are contrary to the way men are wired.

2) Can’t men just think about something else? You have to understand that men and women work entirely different. You are wanting him to think like you do. Are you wanting a husband or a best girl friend? If the latter is the desire than I will tell you you won’t get that from your husband. Because of the way God made men, we are not able to just think about something else.
You said that you have devotional time. Please read and pray about 1 Corinthians

7. I is very specific about not denying your spouse.
Having a healthy sexual desire for your spouse is normal and the way God intended it to be. Having a strong sexual desire is NOT being emotionally needy and insecure. When a man is rejected sexually it tells him that he is not worthy of a mate, that he has failed. Yes, some men can take a few refusals in stride but over time it will have an effect on his self worth and dignity. It will begin to affect other areas of his life. Work, other relationships, and his confidence as a man. You say that even mammals can have orgasms. I do not have a vast knowledge of all mammals. However, I think you may be confusing the release of fluid with orgasm. In a lot of cases for humans, this can and does happen simultaneously. A human orgasm is much more than just fluid release. It is an emotional bonding, a feeling that goes way beyond the physical and deep within the soul.

You said that sex in marriage gets boring. I am assuming you have been married before and sex for you got boring. That is because you and your mate let it get boring. That may sound accusational but it is a fact. Unless you put effort and priority into your sex life with your mate it will get boring. You did not feel that is was important so you let a integral part of your relationship die.

I did not know your grandfather, so I may be making some assumptions here. You said he did not live off of his emotions and was a strong man. I will bet that behind that man was a very supportive wife who provided great amounts of verbal affirmation, support and sexual satisfaction to his life.

My final comment may come across as harsh but please take it with my best of intentions. You need to talk openly with your future husband about these issues. Until you get these things settled between you please do NOT get married. If you do get married before these things are settled, you will have a very unhappy marriage and very unhappy husband.

I would call upon Steve or Cindy to add to these comments for they are much more equipped to address these issues than I am. I welcome any responses from you Amuse, and will continue to discuss this here if you want. God Bless You, FHG

The entire premise of this is that you get all the power you need from God and from within your marriage, that the world cannot come close to matching the closeness, the affirmation and power you gain from a relationship ordained by God.

All of these “emotional neediness” posts I believe are posted by actual devils, who will starve a man for years at a time, while their congregation of friends fill them with what they need in affirmation, love and even give thems sex hookups.

I’ve seen this marriage structure before, it is pretty common in the U.S., that the wife must make the man think he is not good enough, that everyone else in the world is better than him. The structure is usually a very good and loving man, who does not get what he needs from his marriage, while a man with a stronger political position is put into the role of the husband.

This actual husband is put into the position of the Christ himself, carrying a cross that gets larger and heavier over time. Why do they hate men so?

I am not ignorant about the testosterone issues, and I am a very giving person. I will do just about anything for anyone that is in need. BUT, I am having an extreme amount of difficulty in seeing sex as a needed thing. I can’t have children, and I don’t view that as me being a failed woman. I am an artist, and my work requires a lot of attention. Artist’s are traditionally loners. It is difficult to be successful at my work, so it requires a lot of personal time just to reflect, and think. I don’t require very much human attention for my self esteem. I am in love with God, and he is my self esteem. I would want my husband to be the same, that he is a great man of God no matter how much sex he has. I would not want my husband’s self worth to be dependent on a few moments of desire.

Life is so full of various types of experiences. Can some man, who has read this article, explain to me how having an orgasm (even animals have them) could be more interesting than 90% of the rest of life’s experiences? Do ALL MEN feel so insecure, that a single rejection can shake their foundation? The man I am seeing is so frustrated and insecure from 10 years of divorce life, that he has stated that he has 10 years to catch up on. Is this not excessive, obsessive behavior? He seems like he could be just simply insecure and that having sex 10 times a day wouldn’t be enough.

I love my devotional time with the Lord early in the mornings. He has made comment that his favorite time to have sex is in the morning. Is there not some kind of balance to find here? Is it not a lack of faith on the man’s behalf if he feels insecure because he has no sex, ignoring what his worth is to God? Sex gets boring in every marriage, if everything is built around sex, and it gets to be old hat, what is going to keep the marriage together? What if a man’s wife can no longer have sex for medical reasons? Will he obsess over having no sex, when it isn’t practical? Why can’t a man just think about something else, like string theory, or quantum physics or study scripture or cure a fatal disease, instead of think about fleshy gratification that is so fleeting?

I am not being sarcastic, I just really don’t understand. My Grandfather didn’t live off of his emotional needs, he was a strong man. Could it be that emotional needs is something that came into to vogue with the hippy generation? There are men who are so insecure that no amount of sex would change that. Should their wife just forget about everything else in life, so she can just focus on him alone and so he wont ever feel rejected?

What would happen if every wife, who has children tugging at her skirt, was so weak emotionally so as to be a needy little child? What’s the big deal, if a selfless Mom needs to get more sleep? It was sex that brought the children into the world, so time for taking responsibility for that action is after the fun.

To me true gratification, is freedom from flesh, and strength of character (which isn’t driven by fleshy needs). It seems to me that people have become weak little babies, and watered down versions of our ancestors. Is there something someone can say to help me comprehend this elusive subject? HELP!

I have been through the kids and the dogs and the dishes and the work and whatever else you want to use as excuses that women use and in reality they are not even excuses, it is selfish. Yes, a woman will respond to her husband if he is treating her well, etc but also a woman can change a man’s heart if she really wants to. As my husband has told me many times I hold all power, used rightly I will get what I want in the long run I dont use it against him in any way but have learned that if I am open and honest then he feels like he can trust me and he gives me what I need.

I am in my late 30’s and he is in his late 50’s and we have 2 children 16 & 10 and I will say that as my children grow older I feel a sense of freedom and can express myself better now than I did 10 yrs ago. Sometimes age has its perks! I can honestly say I love my husband more now than when we were first married and I KNOW he is enjoying the “older” me! I work nights and I can’t wait to crawl into bed with him when I get home and be held and if love making happens great, if not it’s a good thing to just fall asleep together.

Women, you make your marriage what you want it to be, it can either be HELL or it can be the safest place on earth! It definitely is not easy but if you have a willing man it can be, it won’t happen over night, but with love and patience it can.

Many of these same men take excellent care of themselves. They go to the gym during their lunch hour so they can stay in good physical shape. They are well groomed, well dressed, and take pride in how they are seen by others. Many of these same men provide substantial finances to their families, they are genuinely kind, caring and loving towards their wives, and they show great interest in those things their wives find important. They meet their wives needs to the absolute best of their abilities.

Yet, their wives reject their sexual advances because of reasons within themselves… not due to anything done or not done by their husbands. Your view is myopic.

I can tell you that if women learned to love sex, their refused husband would have a permanent grin, knowing they have a rare woman on their hands. I am not saying it will be rosy from then on out, but he will know he is lucky to have you while his buddies tell lack of sex jokes.

My wife refused me for going on 13+ years. My sexual confidence was very very high with past girlfriends and her, but has been shattered to the point of fine dust blowing in the wind. I have performance problems now, I have huge anxiety issues even climbing in bed. I will not get into full detail, but will tell you we’ve had more sex in the last 6 months than our entire marriage combined and I still have no hope for our marriage. I do not trust her because of all the refusals that she said wouldn’t happen time and time again. It’s hard for me to be open in bed, tell her what I want, what feels good, and some times I literally clam up and sweat even when we haven’t even started foreplay. She touches me and knows that I’m anxious and the pain of the past is on the top of my mind because I feel damp like I have a fever.

I will try not to be crude, but she is awakening and wants [to do something] now when she never has. She asked me about 7 months ago if this was something I wanted and I told her I was happy with whatever I got. This made her think for a second and realize she didn’t do this but maybe 1 time every other year. I got the nerve up to tell her that if I was performing on her, what if she was getting ready to O and I stopped and just rubbed her, or just stopped. It’s hurtful to think she never even thought of it like that and said she would get frustrated and would want me to finish. Ta Dah! What an epiphany!

I am still in so much pain because I am not in my prime sexual years anymore and it is gone and I still remember wanting her so much all the time, but being refused nightly until I gave up.

I just wanted your comments, you have a high sex drive male or female. Is there a problem if you satisfy that drive as long as it is in love, or must it be reduced to the lower drive?

Or Nichole, are you to admit that some of you women are knowingly getting your need for attention, affection, emotion and even sex met outside of your marriage – while expecting your husband to remain faithful?

That a lack of drive, vaginal dryness, etc – may be because there is another lover, and she does not look at you in THAT way anymore. She MAY look at you almost as a SON!

You have been SONNED, LOL.

There is really no excuse to have sexual relations in a marriage every three months, even three times a month or anything less than three times a week. We all do things that we don’t necessarily want to.

I have told him how I feel many times but we have not had intercourse in the last nine years. We do not cuddle together or kiss or anything. I feel trapped hurt and very confused. I want to do the right thing but I want a relationship that fulfills me. We used to make love all the time and had a wonderful sexual relationship. I need to be fulfilled that way as much as most of you men say you do. I love sex and for most women I know, they have the same feelings as I do that they feel loved and needed when their husband has sex with them too.

I do not think that is an only men related thought. Doesn’t sex bring men and women closer together in a marriage and make them connect on a deep intimate level? Well, this woman needs that too and I feel like I am dead inside without it. I loved being with my husband and I never refused him sexually ever. I’ve always tried to support him in his work and show him I cared in everything he did. I’ve always bragged about him and told him how proud I was he went to work every day especially when he was having a hard day. I’ve always tried to make him feel important to me. I’ve even left him notes in the bathroom when we were both on different schedules and in his wallet and car to show him how much I loved him always and how proud I was of him.

One note that I might put in his wallet would maybe say, “Thanks for all the work you do to provide for our family even on the days you do not feel like it. I appreciate all you do for us. I love you” and I would sign my name. I like caring for him and taking care of him. I always put him first and have made time for him even when the kids were small. I wasn’t a neglecting wife and I did things for him even when I was very sick and not able to. I never have been selfish with myself or time toward him. He was always my first priority. I feel so cheated. What do I do and how do I connect with a husband who is depressed and hates sex or any physical connections with me? Tell me what you think please? Lori

You talk about what is real love and not real love. Real love is meeting your spouses needs, not sitting in judgment of those needs that they meet your standard.

Why not find a way to feel close to your husband WHILE meeting his legitimate needs for making love? Instead, it seems you hold meeting this need hostage until he meets some standard you arbitrarily set. I.E. if he does a good job of snuggling and providing non-sexual contact for 90 days, you’ll re-introduce making love.

I see nothing about taking the pressure off of him. It’s all about your pressure, your standards, your views. You veil them by saying your views are Godly. God invented sex, so it must be good when done in the bounds of marriage. God says not to withhold sex, except for a short time that is mutually agreed upon.

So does your husband enthusiastically go along with this, or does he do so because the alternative is no sex for periods even longer than 90 days? I really don’t know. However, I suspect he’s blackmailed into doing things your way, instead of though, as an equal in the negotiations where his needs and desires are given as much legitimacy as yours.

He may be a “sex addict” as you claim he is. Yet even that doesn’t make making love an illegitimate or lesser need. Instead of teaching him to abastain from sex for long periods of time (contrary to scripture) why not teach him how to have a fulfilling, healthy and generous sex life, so that sex with you is far more appealing than other choices?

I really don’t see how making him wait 90 days when YOU feel disconnected does anything positive to teach him about giving of ones self generously to our spouse. I see it as the exact opposite. If you don’t meet my standard, I will not give myself to you, regardless what scripture says about the subject.

He may be a sex addict. However, even that is no excuse for sexual blackmail by the only person who can legitimately meet legitimate sexual needs.

My husband is also a recovering sex addict. It’s been 16 months since his confession to me and he is doing a great job through Christ. My husband has the biggest sex drive and I could happily live without sex because it’s not that huge to me, but I never have sex with my husband, we MAKE LOVE. Making love is completely different from having sex, and when we make love we express just how much we love each other.

My husband still struggles with his sex addiction and this has a huge effect on our love life, but when the pressure gets too much we take a 90 day detachment period where we do not make love. This allows us to concentrate on the important aspects of our marriage, just sitting together cuddling on the sofa, relaxing and enjoying JUST being together. I feel so much closer to him during this period and after the detachment is finished we continue it on but add our love making back into the picture, and it’s amazing.

My husband had the same attitudes as many of these men, but he’s learning that real love comes from Jesus Christ. Once you truly know that, a huge amount of pressure is taken away from the wife because the husband then only needs validation from Jesus which makes you whole. Wives must also do the same thing. Seek your validation and self portrait from Jesus.

Before you can even think of having a good relationship in the bedroom you have to sort out things outside the bedroom. You can’t treat each other like rubbish and then expect to have a good sex life, cause it will not work.

Instead of beating each other up, you should be working TOGETHER, and stop the blame game. My husband would have sex 10 times a day if he could, but I wouldn’t. We have to think about each others needs. If we do then we meet half way and are united.

Keep God as the centre of your marriage, don’t use the Bible to prove your point, but use it to unite you and strengthen your marriage. Caroline x

I help in cleaning the house, going to the market, etc, but it doesn’t still help. She’d rather cuddle or just lie down and talk or stare into each other’s eyes. On [certain actions] in foreplay, one day she said I should stop that it is not biblical. She used to [do certain things for me] and has stopped; same reason. These used to add flair to the romance, but now, she says those [certain actions] can cause a miscarriage (we’ve lost two pregnancies and I feel she is emotionally low; but I give her support). Even positioning is an almost forgone issue.

Even when we have sex or make love, it’s one sided like she’s fulfilling all righteousness. There was a time we had it 3-4 times a week and I was the one to say lets take a day’s break, but now 1-2 weeks. If I keep silent, it can go longer.

I have been tempted I must confess. I’ve looked (emotional infidelity) but not had the guts to stray (the fear of God). My self esteem is not bashed as described by most men; I don’t allow her rejection to affect that part of me. It just leaves a hole within me. It creates an emptiness that I used to fill with self-gratification and porn but have since forgone these. I’m learning to do without it and this is dangerous ‘cos I’d reject her also.

Wives need to realize that being a Christian does not necessarily enhance you as a man sexually. Literarily I mean, it’s no guarantee that either party won’t cheat. We need help, wives; we really need it.

I’m not arguing against husbands doing those things, so don’t mis-understand. However, I think you’ll find a lot of husbands DID or even DO those things and yet the situation doesn’t change.

Or worse, my ex-wife wouldn’t make love with me. Wouldn’t even talk about what would make it better, what would it take for her to be enthusiastic about it. But she had no problem having an affair and opening up to another married man.

So, should I just assume that the problem is with women? After all, my experience is that women cannot be open and honest with their husbands. When a husband senses something wrong and asks specific questions about how to make things better, she will lie and say things are fine, while she’s sleeping with another man. For me to say that is about as valid as your rant here.

This topic was for wives to look at their stuff. To make sure they are in the right with respect to scripture and how they treat their husbands.

From the last I heard, women don’t have some lock on morality. God says in His word that ALL are sinners. Not just men. So for every man who may fall into what you’ve described, there is probably a woman who fails to respond to men who do exactly what you describe if not more.

But it appears this topic is about those women who have unilaterally decided that they are the final say regarding what should or shouldn’t be important for their husbands.

So I suggest instead of blaming men, why not take your advice and walk in the shoes of the man who is all you say he should be, but his wife has decided that neither he, nor scripture really knows how important sex is to the marital relationship?