I help in cleaning the house, going to the market, etc, but it doesn’t still help. She’d rather cuddle or just lie down and talk or stare into each other’s eyes. On [certain actions] in foreplay, one day she said I should stop that it is not biblical. She used to [do certain things for me] and has stopped; same reason. These used to add flair to the romance, but now, she says those [certain actions] can cause a miscarriage (we’ve lost two pregnancies and I feel she is emotionally low; but I give her support). Even positioning is an almost forgone issue.

Even when we have sex or make love, it’s one sided like she’s fulfilling all righteousness. There was a time we had it 3-4 times a week and I was the one to say lets take a day’s break, but now 1-2 weeks. If I keep silent, it can go longer.

I have been tempted I must confess. I’ve looked (emotional infidelity) but not had the guts to stray (the fear of God). My self esteem is not bashed as described by most men; I don’t allow her rejection to affect that part of me. It just leaves a hole within me. It creates an emptiness that I used to fill with self-gratification and porn but have since forgone these. I’m learning to do without it and this is dangerous ‘cos I’d reject her also.

Wives need to realize that being a Christian does not necessarily enhance you as a man sexually. Literarily I mean, it’s no guarantee that either party won’t cheat. We need help, wives; we really need it.

I’m not arguing against husbands doing those things, so don’t mis-understand. However, I think you’ll find a lot of husbands DID or even DO those things and yet the situation doesn’t change.

Or worse, my ex-wife wouldn’t make love with me. Wouldn’t even talk about what would make it better, what would it take for her to be enthusiastic about it. But she had no problem having an affair and opening up to another married man.

So, should I just assume that the problem is with women? After all, my experience is that women cannot be open and honest with their husbands. When a husband senses something wrong and asks specific questions about how to make things better, she will lie and say things are fine, while she’s sleeping with another man. For me to say that is about as valid as your rant here.

This topic was for wives to look at their stuff. To make sure they are in the right with respect to scripture and how they treat their husbands.

From the last I heard, women don’t have some lock on morality. God says in His word that ALL are sinners. Not just men. So for every man who may fall into what you’ve described, there is probably a woman who fails to respond to men who do exactly what you describe if not more.

But it appears this topic is about those women who have unilaterally decided that they are the final say regarding what should or shouldn’t be important for their husbands.

So I suggest instead of blaming men, why not take your advice and walk in the shoes of the man who is all you say he should be, but his wife has decided that neither he, nor scripture really knows how important sex is to the marital relationship?

Perhaps she is not attracted to you physically. Perhaps, because you are behaving like a spoiled child who did not get his lollypop today, you are making her feel like your mother. Perhaps you are making her feel like a whore you picked up off the street who is only there to satisfy you. Perhaps it would be easy to make love to you if you loved yourself enough to take care of yourself and get in shape. Perhaps you could understand how your wife feels after going to work, preparing dinner, taking care of the kids, cleaning house, and all the other things in her day that deplete her energy.

If you are not helping meet her needs, how can you wonder why she does not have the energy at the end of the day to take care of your needs? Is it any wonder that you are not getting your needs met?

I want to say, Grow up and be a man! Wives don’t want to be made to feel responsible for your depression and all your other poor self esteem issues. Your self esteem should not be her responsibility. Stop whining and meet some of her needs, then perhaps some of your needs might get met. I don’t think you men understand how demeaning it is for you to demand sex and treat your wife like a whore and then wonder why she is not interested in sex. And then if she doesn’t come through for you, you accuse her of rejecting you and become sullen and reject her. Sex then becomes a duty and an obligation, which is not what you want. It is a vicious circle, but it is not all the woman’s fault, which some of you seem to think.

I understand you have physical needs that women don’t have, but it is more than physical for women. We need to feel safe, nurtured and loved, and we need romance and heart to heart conversation. We don’t get turned on at a drop of a hat, it takes time and attention. We have to plan for sex, it is not usually just spontaneous, especially as we get older and have more responsibilities and physical ailments. We don’t get turned on by your constant, needy sexual advances, we need romance and relaxation to be turned on.

I am betting that most of these husbands who are complaining about not getting enough sex are living with wives who feel used up, unloved, and misunderstood and subsequently are unable to open up to their husbands because he can’t or won’t be intimate with her and meet her emotional needs. If you are feeling rejected because your wife isn’t giving you enough sex, first look in the mirror, and then try to walk a mile in her shoes. If you want a perky little woman who will love to love you; make that possible for her! Be the man she wants to love.

I am a recovering sex addict, 13 years in recovery, an addict from the age of 12, and turned 40 this year. Throughout years of ministry, pastoral, youth, and college, I would say things like, “…my wife’s desire for sex with me, passionate, toe-curling sex, is a reflection of how much she loves me, how much I mean to her, how in love with me she is…all because of articles like this one….that is utter rubbish.

I am to take my strength, as a man, not a macho, puffed up, posing manliness, that is weak and sniveling, but true masculinity, that which comes from God, and is passed to me through that relationship. I am to take that to the woman, offer her my strength…use it for her. It is a travesty that too many men go to women for their validation. She holds the keys, and what happens when the report card she gives you is a failing grade? She does NOT have the last word for you as a man, God does. His validation will seal you, and then you can be in a relationship with a woman and offer her your true self.

I know, some of you are cringing at the thought of a macho holy roller, whopping his wife over the head with his Bible. That is not it at all. When I stopped searching for my wife to validate me, I became a man that she could not keep her hands off of… she desires me, because I am becoming the man she thought she was getting 16 years ago.

I have so much more to say….maybe another time… Have your men read, “Wild At Heart” by John Eldredge? It will change their lives… Women, read, “Captivating” by Stasi Eldredge, it will change your life as well, not to mention your marriage. …ntil next time… Logan

Nobody is placed on this earth to make you feel complete, you need to accomplish this yourself. Nobody is handing me my self esteem on a platter and it’s crazy that you expect that from another person and then use some lame excuse that it’s your wives fault that you are depressed. Then you try and ‘justify’ an affair. You are truely, without a doubt, the weeker sex.

What does the Bible say, in the book of Genesis chapter 3 verse 16? “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee”. The woman’s desire is for her husband, meaning she has to desire to please him, to satisfy his needs, etc. If a husband is not around, the woman is supposed to long for him, desire to see his face, be with him & love him. As for men, it is our duty to LOVE the wife, the wife has to submit, obey etc. But what is happening nowadays is the opposite, a husband is the one who desires his wife, while a wife is now the ruler of the husband.

The way God created a man, He created him in a way that the reproductive system of a man is hot and needs to release the pressure every 24 hrs. If we look in animal kingdom, the male to female ratio is 1 to many. Hence in the Old Testament & other tribes they allow polygamy, the reason being, to enable men fulfill their work effectively, etc. However in the New Testament the issue of polygamy is silent. It’s not accepted. For a Deacon or an Overseer has to be a man who has one wife. This tells if you are a Christian; you must have one wife. This tells us to always enjoy love & sex with our spouse. There must be room for compromise. Letting one another down creates unnecessary tension, which can result in evil desires, then sin, then one’s down fall.

Husband, love your wife, so like wise wife submit. Obey your husband in the fear of the Lord. Men, learn to love your wife and understand her that she is a weaker vessel, but by the grace of the Lord, you will make it.

I have been married to my beautiful wife for 6 years. The first year was great; everything was super, love, romance & sex was super. Things started to change after the birth of our son. After a year when she started using contraceptive pills, she said she did not have desire (libido) to have sex. She was saying that lack of libido was one of the side effects, so most of the times she was turning me down etc.

here was a time I nearly went astray, but I tried my best to remain faithful. I talked to her on several occasions on how I felt about the whole issue. Still things were not working, until recently, she happened to travel and we missed each other for 2 months. We could talk on the phone & e-mail. This break has done wonders. Now she is back. It’s like we have started all over again. Our sex life is back to square one, and we are enjoying each & every moment we are together.

We have agreed to keep the fire burning. The time we missed each other was a time of soul searching and rebirth of love. We have rediscovered the formula and I believe by the grace of our Lord Jesus we will make it. Thank God for saving my marriage.

Sometimes a break can do good, but it should not be a very long break. 2 weeks of missing is good; also praying for one another is a key.

We should teach more about what the Bible says about marriage and sex. And we need to put my pressure on the females to follow what the Bible says, not just on men to not commit adultery. From what I understand Christian men do not want to walk around lusting after every woman they see. God has given them a way of escape in their wives, and their wives are failing them in their God-mandated responsibility. As Christians we are not to cause one another to stumble, and as wives we are causing the person who is most important to us to stumble when we are not available for sex.

After several rough seasons I have struggled with questions about starting over with someone else. But here are my motivations to never do it 1) I know it’s not what God wants me to do. 2) There’s really no guarantee a new relationship would not fall into the same problems. 3) I can’t bear to break her heart. 4) I can’t bear to break my kids hearts. So I live by this: “My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

I admire and applaud the Christian women like Barbara Rainey, Barb Rosberg, Shaunti and Shannon Ethridge who encourage married women to love their husbands in a way they can understand. When I get to heaven (if this is allowed) I want to come visit each of these women and give them a hug for taking the risk to be exposed — for the ultimate purpose of glorifying Christ. In Christ, Jeff

He wants me to watch them to “learn” things because he’s really the only intimate partner I’ve ever had. I admit I’ve given what many of the male readers consider excuses, but sometimes a person is genuinely tired. My husband’s drive is very high, and after having several miscarriages, I wasn’t interested for a long time.

Things changed last summer, but the result of me increasing intimate time to meet his needs was me getting pregnant with twins! I retained residual baby weight and we were both exhausted all the time. Suddenly, I was the one getting rejected and was told he’s tired (he stayed home with the kids when he was laid off from work).

I truly desired to have this part of our relationship restored, but now other problems have led to separation. I know his libido is still very strong and I’m concerned he will have an affair while we’re apart. It makes me sad, even though I’ve asked him to come to me with these needs, it has been months. I’ve pretty much assumed he’s going elsewhere.

I used to have faith that one day he will come around and the excuses would stop but after being rejected continuously, well let’s say your self esteem can’t take much more of a beating. Some people may think sex and intimacy isn’t important but sex is what cements a bond; it’s what separates a friendship from a marriage. I don’t need more friends I need a partner. Marriage is a lonely place to be and regret it so much.

1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (ESV)

That’s the biblical argument that sexual refusal IS sin.

Here’s another argument. For your high drive spouse, their drive is very strong and ever present. God has provided YOU, as the answer to meeting that NEED. And it IS a NEED for someone who is married and HAS a sex drive. Sure, singles go without all the time – but THEY are not expected to live with and even sleep next to a spouse of the opposite gender. They have not been given the “Go ahead” by God. They have not been promised to be fulfilled BY YOU. And they can fill their time in single pursuits WITHOUT you. AND, they have the prospect of marriage to someone who DESIRES them.

For a High Drive spouse, committed to YOU, forever, the prospect of sleeping next to you for the rest of their lives, and almost never having sex….never feeling desired, …in fact feeling repulsive, and never really feeling LOVED…..is TORTURE.

If you don’t think sex is very important in your marriage and you are reading this, you may think that TORTURE is an exaggeration. I submit to you, with nothing to gain for myself, that I am describing being on the receiving end of Sexual Refusal accurately. It IS torture.

Please don’t TORTURE your spouse. Be a generous lover FOR them! Do you love them or not? God smiles on an active Marriage Bed. You gave your promise ” To Have and to Hold” (That means to have sex) Even if this wasn’t in your vows, its the Bible that defines marriage. You are to be having sex with your spouse. I encourage you……show them you love them.

18 Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
Proverbs 5:18-19 (ESV)

3 I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine;
he grazes among the lilies.
Song of Solomon 6:3 (ESV)

Young folks, remember, the person with the LOWEST sex drive controls the bedroom.

The self esteem issue is very real. My wife was nearly a virgin when we married. I wasn’t. Being religious, we only dated a few times, never lived together and had only a few brief intimate moments before marriage.

The first 10 years were OK. Then the “problems”, Endometriosis, then perpetual menstrual cycles… Then all the other excuses. …. “its so messy, Why can’t you hurry up? Can you finish yourself this time? I’m too dry. I don’t like using lubricant; it’s too messy. You need a shave. Maybe later. Has it already been 6 weeks? Why are you so eager? (Note… when you invite a starving man to the all-you-can-eat buffet the first few courses can be a little enthusiastic!) I need to get up in the morning. I hate that position. Are you finished already? What’s the matter? You’re not hard. Has it already been 6 months? Did we miss our anniversary again? Oh… maybe next year.

So yes, I have resentment. But I love my wife way too much to bother her with sex again. I have completely filled my life with work, hobbies, friends, church, committees, etc.

I get my “safe sex” (hugs, kisses, oral) whenever and wherever I can now. At age 60, there’s too little time left to worry about changing her. Shes’ all dried up, fat and happy. I will never stop loving her, and will never leave her, but my “worth” as a man is no longer in her control.

Any wife who takes her vows seriously will make an effort to honor her husband. Denying sex to your spouse is a broken vow.

If my wife ever rolled over and said “lets get it on” I’m pretty sure I’d have to turn on the light to make sure who it was!

This is very sad and when I wish to discuss it he gets angry.

Anyway, sex can be divorced from love, especially for a man, but he can’t receive love from his wife if she won’t have sex with him no matter what else she does. Refusal will eclipse everything else.

It’s like a mother who takes care of all her children’s needs; food, clothing, education, hygiene, etc but never talks to them or ever gives them loving hugs. The children will grow up feeling unloved. Its obvious.

I have been married to a wonderful and faithful man for 15 years. We have a 4 year-old son and in general, I thought everything was going well. However, since the birth of our son, I must admit that our intimacy has diminished to the point of love-making once a quarter. Obviously, this is not normal, but I did not realize how much this was hurting my marriage since my husband never expressed his needs to me. Although I do enjoy making love with husband, it’s not vital to my well-being or happiness, so it was no longer a priority AT ALL.

During the past year, I have personally grown closer in my walk with the Lord, and most recently, have been earnestly praying for an anointing of His wisdom & revelation. Thinking that the Lord would be showing me things pertaining to my spiritual walk with Him, I suddenly stumbled upon three pornographic websites on my laptop that my husband had been viewing. Words cannot describe how mortified, angry and disgusted I was with my husband. I felt betrayed & was ready to call it quits without discussion.

My husband claims that this was the “first time” that he had viewed such websites and that initially, the little boxes just flashed on the screen. Hmmm. After a thorough scan of all the computers, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. But the relevance here is that it woke me up to the needs & desires of my husband. We have been intimate for the past 3 nights & in a way that we both have not felt since our son was born (that’s 4 years!).

After love-making, my husband commented about how wonderful he felt and that prior to my renewed interest, he was on the verge of resenting me for “withholding” sex. I was a little perplexed that he had such thoughts. I assumed that he was no longer attracted to me. Go figure!

For all of the husbands & gentlemen out there, I have never “withheld” sex, but (I do admit) that I never expressed a real interest, either. However, never once did my husband express to me just how important it was to him.

I believe that the Lord gave me this revelation and the wisdom to do something about it immediately. In addition, I am convinced that the Lord has instilled a strong desire in my heart, for my husband. I now feel that I physically want to be with him all the time and I want to satisfy his every need.

In summary, my sincere advice is for the husbands to earnestly pray & ask the Lord to give your wives wisdom & revelation, and an open heart regarding this matter. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing!

I hope you will not grow bitter & angry, but will give your wives a chance to show you just how much they love you. Personally, I wished that my husband would have just written a letter to me expressing his true needs. I was totally clueless!

I’ve tried several things to detach from my intense (and mostly unreciprocated) desire for my wife like meditation, alcohol, and pornography. They didn’t work (surprised?) but three things have helped me feel better about myself and my situation are (1) helping out more around the house (yes, scrubbing toilets), (2) losing weight and taking better care of my appearance, and (3) prayer. I can’t say I’m having sex more frequently, but I feel better about myself as a man, and less dependent upon my wife for my own self-esteem.

We started with Mars/Venus; it was difficult at first, because I had so much pent-up anger that I didn’t really care about the book’s message. But, we stuck to it. We learned that men and women are different. The most wonderful thing that we discovered is a new language of understanding. We have words now to describe how we are feeling. So, instead of getting in an argument because one of us is in a bad mood, we can say, “Oh, I understand that you are different from me and that you are just going through one of your moments. What can I do to support you or make you feel better?”

Knowledge is the key to understanding. Because of reading these books and discussing how to apply them in our lives, we have an emotionally healthy relationship, where before we were walking on an emotional tightrope. It’s wonderful! In fact, we want all of our family and friends to experience this. For Christmas gifts, we gave all of our married brothers and sisters the Mars/Venus book. They have all enjoyed many laughs and aha-moments while reading it together. I highly recommend them all.

And, because we are at peace with one another, we are able to be closer, and intimacy comes naturally. All of our sexual problems went right out the window with all of the garbage. One thing I remember our counselor saying is “Many people are wrong in thinking that the better the sex, the better the marriage. The opposite is true. The better your marriage relationship, the better the sexual intimacy.”

I see many frustrated husbands posting messages on here. I would like to encourage you to read Mars/Venus and 5 Love Languages with your wives. Like many wives, I didn’t understand the impact of sex (or the lack thereof) on my husband. But, once a wife is able to understand, she makes it a priority in her life. My many hopes and prayers go out to all of you who are struggling. Find peace in Christ!

I spoke to her about it and she’s told me that there’s so much more to our relationship than just intimate sessions and so it’s not a huge part in her life. I tried my best to accept it but all of you know it’s really not how we were made. For me, sex, making love or whatever we call it, is a true intimate bond that I share with her but maybe females just don’t see it that way.

Honestly, if I ask, it seems as though I’m forcing it and if I wait, I find it hard to bear. I read in another web article that if you truly love your wife or other half, that the anticipation is worth the wait. I’m sorry but I cannot agree with that for many reasons that were already cited above. It’s come to a point where I’m not sure if i should send her this link because she may think I’m using it to pressure her into something she’s not comfortable with.

My fear is that I only desire her and her only. If this keeps up, I may find myself wandering off into the "cheating" zone and if something happens, it becomes our (guys) fault again. Are we really to be blamed for it entirely? I’m not too sure anymore. Maybe someone can comment on my post. Criticize or whatever, but I’m quite sure that other guys reading this post will understand the dilemma I’m in.

Granted, some days I feel like it and he doesn’t either but I have learned that putting our issues aside actually helps us resolve those very issues after sex. Mind you, my husband doesn’t say much but every time we make love, I know he looooves me! I initiate and like variety in position and geography… so long as it is all governed by the scriptures. My man’s problem in probably not too little but too much

BUT – there is a time that we did not have regular sex for about 5-6 years – 1.5 of which we had no sex at all. He was the one who stopped for reasons that are only between him and Jehovah God.

Recently though, the Lord came through for us and wham bam, my hubby initiated and it’s been action ever since. I can’t say what the formula was but God knows I had reached the end of my rope having faced numerous temptations and at some point, gave in (and told hubby about it)…

I pray that God will open the eyes and hearts of both the guys and gals and that we will be ready to fulfill each others needs unselfishly. Please know that porn and infidelity will only offer temporary satisfaction – however, trust in the Lord and he will sustain your heart and meet you at the point of your need. May you, like my husband and me, recover it all; all the years the worm has eaten. In Jesus Name!

Just look at the society we live in. It’s full of HIV/AIDS, sexual harassment and violence against women. Women are killed, they are disrespected. Sex with my husband does not turn me on.

Would you blame the wife in this situation? I have tried to pray for our marriage but each time I close my eyes I see him having sex with that dirty sickly looking woman. I just want out of the marriage.

I am convinced that my wife takes me totally for granted especially in the area of sexual intimacy. I serve my wife well in every arena of our marriage and yet she has this half hearted attitude towards sex. And now her excuse is pre-menopause. God, when will it end? When will I be valued for being what God made me? And the worst part is she actually expects me to understand all of her justifications for infrequent physical intimacy all the while I have to jump through hoops every day just to get any respect as a man let alone a husband. Pick up the kids, keep the yard clean, change the oil in her car, fix her breakfast and lunch as she goes to work, talk to the kids, discipline the kids, bring her a diet coke home, kill that spider, lay new carpet, fix the toilet, turn on the heat, turn on the AC, and so on. Her list is un-exhaustive and all I desire is a little consistent physical intimacy after a hard day’s work. And 80 % of time I go to bed and to work, totally unfulfilled.

If this is the reflection of the mystery of Christ and His church… no wonder the Church is so ineffective. I applaud this article but I still don’t think women will get it if they read it. I think they actually believe that have a right to be non-intimate with their husbands and yet the Bible says the very opposite. And the worst part is even when we do have sex I am the initiator 95% of the time and I work harder at pleasing her because I have taken the time to find out what she likes the most. And even then I’m lucky if she puts any self motivated interest to return the favor. Bottom line, I think most women are selfish and Christian wives have doomed their husbands to a life of mental and emotional defeat and adultery!