Do you or your spouse find yourselves overly committed outside of your home? Do you have a hard time saying “no” to those outside the family who ask you to do things for which you really don’t have the time? If you do, you aren’t the only ones! It’s something most of us struggle with.

We recently had a woman ask us what to do because her spouse was over-committed (especially at their church). He couldn’t seem to say “no” to everyone else except her. She was lonely for her husband’s companionship. The following is an edited version of what I (Cindy) wrote. I pray it will minister beyond this message to those of you who are also struggling with this same dilemma:

We want you to know that we sure understand what you’re going through because this is a problem we faced years ago ourselves. Actually, I was primarily the one who had the harder time saying “no” than did my husband Steve (although at times he had the same problem). The REAL problem was in having too many good choices, which is what your husband is facing.

Your husband is probably a wonderful man (which is why you fell in love with him in the first place). But he doesn’t realize the problems his saying “yes” to everyone but you is causing. That was also my oversight and the oversight of so many others who over-load their scheduling “plates.” They see needs that cry out to them, and they enjoy meeting the needs, and usually are very capable of doing the job right.

But what they forget is that when they say “yes” to meet someone else’s need they’re essentially saying “no” to meeting their families needs. They also don’t realize that just because you CAN do something, it doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it.

From the Bible we can see (in Luke 10) that Jesus commended Mary over her sister Martha because she chose the “best.” They were both good choices to make: either feed and tend to those who needed it, or spend the time sitting at the feet of Jesus and for such a time as that, sitting at Jesus’ feet, was the best choice. We’re faced with making good and “best” choices also.

Think about how many choices Jesus Christ had to make Himself. He had throngs of people yanking at Him from every side and yet even Jesus took time to go out and pray and spend time with His disciples and with His family —especially His Father. If Jesus could do that then we need to practice that kind of restraint in how we use our time.

Marriage takes an on-going intentionality in spending time together. We did it before marriage and that isn’t to stop after the wedding. There’s a scripture verse that says, “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?” You can also look at it in another way: “What would it profit a man if he helps the whole world but loses his family because of it?”

A wife and family aren’t any less needy to be with the one they love. And they don’t usually have an unlimited amount of understanding as to why their husband (and dad) should neglect them over spending time with everyone else. They need more than a “doggie bag” amount of attention.

Even though your husband is a great guy, he needs to see the bigger picture and get a backbone like Christ had and like Christ will give him if he asks for it, to actually say: “No — even though I wish I could — I need and also want to spend time with my family. I hope you understand, but if you don’t then I’m even sorrier, but my family needs me to be with them at this time.”

Steve and I are no different. We have MORE than enough vying for our time. If I even started to tell you of all of the WONDERFUL invitations we have, you’d be amazed! But we have a marriage ministry and if we don’t make a priority to preserve our own marriage then what kind of hypocrites would we be where we make our own marriage sick by tending to everyone else’s marriages? That goes for EVERYONE — including you— not just those in marriage ministries.

God’s love should so permeate our beings that we minister outside of our homes but especially in them and BECAUSE of them. The Bible says we are lights set on a hill for everyone to see and gravitate towards. Our married lives should be so loving that others will want to know our “secret”. And when we tell them that the love of God compels us to interact with each other as we do, they will have more of a tendency to say, “Then I really want to know your God better!”

Ephesians 5 (along with other Bible verses) commissions men to be servant leaders in their homes. They’re to show love to their wives so obviously that their wives feel cherished by them to the same degree that the church knows it’s cherished by Christ Jesus —who sacrificed Himself for her.

A wife should also be ministered to by their husband so that she feels “washed by the water of the Word” as it talks about in Ephesians. She won’t feel that way if her husband doesn’t spend the time to do the washing but instead uses the “Living Water” on everyone else but her.

It’s taken Steve and me many years to “see” this. Many tears have been shed and many arguments have happened before we finally understood this. And still, we fall into the “busy trap” at times and go too far over-board. We then have to back up and walk in the right direction again.

It’s not that we’re to be joined at the hip. We both give each other grace and space to “spend” our energies beyond our home and beyond ourselves at times. It actually enriches our marriage. But we try to be prayerful and careful, pacing ourselves so we don’t neglect each other’s needs also.

Something that might help is an article we have posted on our web site. It’s titled, “What Will Be Your Legacy? —A Challenge for Men.” I urge you to respectfully approach your husband with it. Don’t shove it in front of his face sneering, “You need to read this!” But rather approach him lovingly and respectfully, letting him know that you miss him and need more of him than he’s giving you, asking him to please read the article and pray about it and at some point, to talk together about your schedules.

Hopefully, he’ll respond to your approach and will see that even though he’s a wonderful man of God, doing so much good for so many— you, as his wife, need more of his attention than you’re presently receiving.

There’s also a great little book that you might want to read. It’s by Pastor Andy Stanley and is called, Choosing to Cheat. It’s about men who are over-committed (and some of them are pastors and Christian workers who mean well but still “cheat” their families out of their time).

We have a few short articles on our web site from this book that will give you a preview of some of the things he says in it. The articles are titled: When Family and Work Collide, and Why Some Spouses Give up on Marriage.  But this only gives you a taste of what the book offers. You’ll want to get the book to obtain the full benefit. The description of it is under “Helpful Resources” in both sections.

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 We pray this helps in some way. Our hearts and prayers are with you as together we strive to make our marriages the best they can be.

God Bless,
Cindy and Steve Wright

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