You’d think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance—a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most—his or her family.
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover—for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity—from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
The authors Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.
There is also an additional article written by Dr Harley, which is featured on the web site for the Family Dynamics Institute, that you might find helpful. You can read it by clicking onto the link provided below:
287 comments so far ↓
1 Jackie // Apr 3, 2008 at 11:14 am
(USA) I am a married woman who had an affair with a married man. I know it was wrong, but I really fell for this man. I met this man five years ago and we had an affair for around three months. I fell hard for this man. He was separated from his wife, then went back to her. Three years later we met up again and started an affair again. Again he separated from his wife. This time though he told me how much he loved me, he acted like he couldn’t get enough of me. He told me it was completely over with his wife. The lovemaking was incredible. I have never been with a man who can make love like him. I was so into him. I felt bad about cheating on my husband but I couldn’t let go of this other man.
Anyway, all this time he was working at going back to his wife. Eventually he went back to his wife and he dumped me like a hot potato. He wrote to me later and told me how he regretted every moment with me, and how he had never stopped loving his wife. He said he couldn’t believe how much he hurt his wife and that he is still now fighting so hard to win back her love and trust.
I have a friend who actually knows his wife and I am disgusted to hear how much he treats his wife like a queen and how he is doing everything she says to win her love back.
My husband found out too because his wife called and told him. Thank God men don’t like to hear too many details. I am trying to work on my marriage now, but it is hard because I don’t desire and love my husband like I did this other man. This other man said he loved me and wanted me always. We talked for hours!! How can he now say it meant nothing to him? How can he now act like I was just a whore available to him while he was without his wife? How could he have said and talked to me about everything and it not be true? I am so angry!
I know I am the Other woman and people will say I deserve what I got, but I really, really loved this man. I hear that his wife is very angry with him and still has not forgiven him, yet he keeps begging and doing everything she wants. I thought he went back to her because of their kids. But when I hear about how much he tells everyone how sorry he is for what he did and how much he loves her, it makes me crazy. I loved this man, and I am heartbroken.
I want you to ask anyone, why do married men tell their mistresses how much they love them when its not true? Why did he seem to share his heart with me and tell me we were soul mates when now all he wants is his wife? I am so angry!! I know I was wrong too… but I fell in love. That’s why I did what I did. But why did he have to lie to me? Why?
2 Phoebe // Apr 11, 2008 at 8:13 am
(USA) Dear Jackie, I read your blog with much sympathy. I myself have been having an affair. And one thing you have to tell yourself is that if he’s cheating on his wife, he is probably a habitual liar. What he is doing with you, he will do to you. You can’t trust a man that cheats. You said he contacted you eventually and said he regrets ever being involved with you. I can tell you his wife probably put him up to that. It makes her feel like she has control over him again. And is also her way of punishing him and you.
I am wanting so bad to stop being in contact with the man I’m involved with because it’s such an unhealthy situation. My husband is really a better man than he is. But you can get addicted to a person.
Jackie, please just take one minute at a time and give yourself time to heal. Don’t try to figure it all out. You’ll drive yourself nuts and use up all your energy asking yourself… why did he do that… why did he say this… why is he doing that, if he said this to me???? Don’t ever hook up with a married man again sweetheart. Don’t think about getting on the internet looking for a guy unless it’s a respectable online dating service. I wish you peace.
3 Jess // Apr 20, 2008 at 6:38 pm
(USA) Jackie, My heart breaks for you. As of this morning, I have asked the man that I was having an affair with (I am married and so is he), to not contact me anymore. I have slowly, a little bit at a time, over the last month ended it because I knew that it was not going to go anywhere.
He told me that I was his "sole mate", that "I was the best thing that has ever happened to him", that "he wanted to grow old with me", that "he never thought that he would ever feel this way again", that "he is upset because he settled for the person he married and didn’t know that someone like me existed" that "he has never loved anyone or wanted to take care of someone in his life, like he does me"….the list goes on and on and on…..
His wife found out that he was talking to someone and confronted him (and of course "we were just friends" and that he enjoyed talking to me because I listened to him). The funny thing is that I ended things verbally with him just about 10 days prior. I know he was down so I’m sure that it created a wonderment in her mind as to why he was so down and things had been off for awhile. After she found out, he told me that he couldn’t leave her because he couldn’t hurt her, and I told him that was good, because I didn’t want him to leave her. But in the same breath he told me that he wanted to be with me forever…
The whole affair lasted just shy of 9 months with the 10th month doing everything in my power to prepare myself to end things completely…..I am in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but never ever once asked or insinuated that he leave his wife or family. Who wants that on their conscience?!?! I have in fact, the whole entire time, when he would talk about not wanting to be with her, but with me, I would tell him that he couldn’t, that his children 4 of them ages 13 and under) needed him and that he must have loved his wife (even though he said he never did, he felt pressured to get married) at some point in time and needed to get counseling…Oh my goodness the different levels this affair took is unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!
I am now on my 11th hour of no contact with him….He said that he wouldn’t burden me anymore (this all took place via text because since his wife found out that he was talking to someone on his cell phone, he hasn’t been able to call me from it nor me him because of the phone logs that she can pull up on the computer, so this all took place via text). Then I asked him not to contact me anymore, and part of me really hopes he doesn’t and part of me hopes he does, even though I won’t be responding to him…. I need to go through the withdrawal stage of this affair and get past it.
My husband is the most incredible man and I still can’t believe at this moment that I did this to him even though he doesn’t know. The feelings for the other man has changed my feelings towards my husband, even though I was questioning my love for him even prior to meeting this man. I don’t know how they can ever change back, but I have been doing a lot of reading on the internet and even though I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel as of yet, it gives great hope that I will be able to at some point. BUT…..I have to get through the withdrawal phase first — IT’S AN ADDICTION!!!
The bottom line is that I was providing emotional needs that his wife was not. But at the same time, there were emotional needs that he was still getting from her so in essence, he needs both of us to have all of his needs met. But I will not allow him to use me as a filler to survive his life even though he said that it was bad.
The last conversation I had with him, I asked if they spoke about counseling and he said that they did, but that nothing has transpired with it and that he doesn’t see what the purpose is because it won’t work (the counseling) unless he wants it to and he doesn’t and hasn’t for 8-9 years… He lost whatever he had a LONG TIME AGO.
As much as I know he does love me (if you have had any time with them and have been able to really be a part of their world and provide emotional needs that were not being met at home, they do love you), the bottom line is that he was not mine to have. Even though they (yours and mine) are not be able to see things clearly because having us in their world has clouded things for them, they did love their wife at one point and there is a difference between attachment and love — Even if they really don’t love their wife, they are still attached to her. They are comfortable and know what to expect even if it’s bickering and arguing…it’s still familiar and that will always overcome the "love" that he has for you… That’s why married men very rarely leave their wives for the other woman.
It’s a tough situation….Know that he is thinking about you just as you are him….You are an addiction to him, as he is to you whether you can see that right now. It’s not easy for him to remove from you his thoughts unless he has no contact with you ever — This is what the finalization letter to you was about…It’s a step that has to be taken in order for his marriage to have any chance at all.
I really doubt that he regrets being with you, because you were filling a void in his life, but it’s going to be what a counselor suggests in order to help his wife feel as though she is still the #1 spot…and truly, she is because she was there first — Just remember that as much as it hurts, he would not have married his wife if he didn’t love her to some degree but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t have feelings for you as well…He has to pick one of you over the other and the only obvious choice was the one that he made…
I wish you the best of luck — Try reading online about anything and everything that you can on why men cheat, the probabilities of them leaving their wife for you, the addiction that affairs create and how to begin to recover, why you got involved with a married man, etc…There is a great deal of information out there - It has given me the strength over the last month to finally do what I did today…I just hope it sticks, but I have every intention of never talking to him again even if he does try to contact me…
Sorry my post was so long, but felt I needed to share my story with you in order to feel like I had any validity in telling you what I have…. Jess
4 Angie // Apr 23, 2008 at 7:02 pm
(UNITED STATES) Jackie, I feel your heartache, I am married and have been having an affair with a married man for 2 years now. I have fallen deeply in love with him. We have been seeing each other at least twice a week for over 1 year. I ended up getting pregnant with his baby and during my 22nd week I lost the baby. It is killing me, but I feel as if it scared him so bad that he is trying to stay away from me now.
Our spouses know about the affair and the baby. I am to the point now that I am ready to end the affair completely but I still love this man with all of my heart and it is killing me when I think about never seeing him again. Sometimes I do not think I will survive the separation from him. He is everything to me that my husband has never been and we have so many things in common that we both say all of the time that we wish we would have met 20 years ago.
I know that this is what I have got to do, but I am not sure exactly how to walk away.
5 Cindy // Apr 24, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Hi Jackie, Phoebe, Jess, and Angie, I’ve been reading your postings and have been praying for each of you. However, it wasn’t until today as I was again praying for you, that I felt lead to reach out and write to encourage you as you work to break off the affairs and try to restore your love relationships with your husbands.
I want to tell you that from everything I’ve read, and the people I’ve known who have had affairs, they say that the first few weeks after breaking up with their lovers, can be especially difficult because of the addictive nature of the affair. I encourage you to do all you can to just get through this time without contacting your lovers. Any addict knows that the first few weeks after breaking off from that which they were addicted to, is an EXTREMELY painful time, but a necessary one, if they are to get onto the road to recovery. There are additional things they must do after that, so they don’t relapse, but first things first. I read something today in a newsletter written by Dr Willard Harley (of Marriage Builders), that I thought I’d pass on to you — hoping it would help in some way. He wrote:
“The first few weeks of separation from a lover are very painful. You are addicted to your lover, and separation from the object of your addiction has triggered symptoms of withdrawal — a compulsive craving for him with intense feelings of anxiety and depression. However, if you completely avoid seeing or communicating with your lover, those feelings of anxiety and depression will gradually fade. For most people they fade in a few weeks. But even if it takes longer to get through withdrawal, it is absolutely essential to do it if you want to restore your love for your husband.
“…But if you give into your craving before withdrawal has ended, and contact your lover, the period of withdrawal will begin all over again. Those feelings of anxiety and depression will come back with a vengeance. All of your efforts to reconcile with your husband will be wasted, and it will test the limits of your husband’s patience. So you must take extraordinary precautions to avoid ever seeing or communicating with him again.”
I thought this might help you in the battle you are now waging to totally break free from the affairs you’ve been involved in.
Dr Harley goes on to give a lot of additional information that may help you through this time, as well as advice to help you in working on your marriage. While I don’t always agree with everything he says, most of the advice seems to be sound and helpful. (You should always glean through whatever advice you get from any counselor. Pray about it, and then grab onto that which is spiritually sound and that which you can use, and throw away the rest.)
The above quotes from Dr Harley comes from a question/answer article titled “Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair.” If you’d like to read it, you can go to: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html
I hope this helps in some way. I am praying for you and for your spouses and your restored and renewed marriage relationships (and so are many others who visit this sight as well, I’m sure). I’m so glad that you’re trying to encourage and help one another during this painful time. Strength comes when you unite with the Lord and you band together in community with others who care and understand and want the best for you. You can see this in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.
6 Angel // Apr 26, 2008 at 8:17 pm
(USA) I came across this website tonight on a Google search. I went on a dating website out of curiosity. I had been married at the time 24 plus years. I just wanted to talk to some guys on-site only and learn about some "linky stuff". My husband had been spending a lot of time at the gym with his friend and I would sit home on the computer. I began having cyber sex out of loneliness. I found out my husband had been going to strip clubs off and on and was getting lap dances and I was devastated.
In my hurt I met a man just to talk in a bookstore. We played a bit in his van afterwards and within the next week had started an affair. That was 17 months ago. AT the time he and his wife were separated, she returned to their home a month later. I am feeling pretty guilty about all of this and can’t seem to feel God anymore…or seem to rarely, and that scares me.
Because of my emotional attachment to this man who I love, I am not in love with my husband in the same way anymore. I know I need to break things off but I am not sure how I can do this. It has gone on so long. I am scared. I kept hoping after his youngest was out of school we could be together. She has 4 more years to go. I know I need to stop this before it gets worse. I have asked Jesus to forgive me but I am feeling so weak.
7 Jess // Apr 27, 2008 at 11:08 am
(USA) Cindy — I can’t thank you enough for the prayers you are putting forth to all of us in this situation — They are needed and felt!!! Hugs…
Angel — What you are going through is one of the toughest things in the world to experience. You feel like there is absolutely no way of being able to pull out of it and feel like a person unless he is there walking the road with you. Just know one thing though, if you continue the road you are on with him, it will be the LONGEST road of your life that will ultimately take you to a dead end!
I know what you are talking about as far as your feelings having changed for your husband; mine did/have as well. We become so empowered in the euphoria of the A (affair) that ALL of our judgment (good and bad) is completely clouded — All you see is Him, You/Him together, etc, etc. But please know that you are just not able to see things clearly because you are still in the midst but that if you break things off, with NC (no contact) at all, eventually that fog lifts and you are able to see him and the situation for what it really is/was.
Make no doubt that Christ is right beside you and is hurting sooooo badly for you!! I had/have this struggle as well and as much as I wanted to fool myself in the beginning to believe that I could walk on both sides, I was sorely mistaken and I think you are aware of that as well. My relationship with Christ (praying, etc) pretty much came to non-existent because of the shame I was feeling and the desires of the flesh that I was wanting — I was wanting to be with the OM (other man)….How in the world do you pray about that when you already are fully aware of what His word says?????? So, you try to fool yourself into thinking that you just made a mistake in marrying your H (husband) and that since it was a mistake, it’s ok to have found your Soul Mate, Your True Partner for Life, this man who fills your empty love bank to overflowing!!
But, how full is your love bank feeling right now? Take a look at how full it felt in the beginning with this man and how actually empty it has become… This person who filled you to overflowing is now filling you up and taking it away as quick as it was put in…DRAINED all the time, feeling of hopelessness can’t focus on anything, don’t want/know how to get out of bed ever morning — That list goes on and on and on… Christ is waiting there for you to turn around and run right back into his arms and to cry your eyes out in them — He is the ONLY ONE who can fill that void and I have to be totally honest, about a week ago I could hardly even think about Christ in that capacity anymore because of the strong physical emptiness I was feeling.
YOU CAN end this!! I am now on my 8th day of total NC (no contact) with the OM (other man) and today is the first day that I feel semi-human again. The effects of this person do start to fade and wear off with each passing day but I DO have my moments where I feel like I can’t breath…I just have to give myself the time to let that feeling pass, and it does — It’s The ADDICTION trying to purge it’s way out of my system and that is what I have to stay strong through because the moment that I fall and contact him (or he me), I KNOW that it is going to put me right back into square one and probably even further!!
Please stay in contact — I need people to walk through my trials with, as you do as well.
PLEASE visit: http://www.ivillage.com — Go to message boards and put in "after an affair" in the search section. This board has been incredible for me to read and EVERYONE on there is amazing!! You will get to read the stories of people who are in every stage of an A (affair). Put your own story out there for others to share in — The support that you will receive with people actually taking the time to respond to you is soooo Uplifting.
Please stay strong and give your everything to get out of this situation… Tons of Love and Hugs, Jess
8 Phoebe // Apr 29, 2008 at 12:25 pm
(USA) Dear Ladies, All of your comments are helping to strengthen me. I too have felt so separated from God and Jesus. I’m sick and tired of this man that I’ve attached myself too. It all started online. My husband and I have been getting closer lately but I’m still involved with this man and he’s a real selfish jerk at that. Basically a dirty old man. That I still find hard to let go of, I’ve asked myself a thousand times what is wrong with me. I deserve better than this. I’m not a whore or a slut. But I’ve been reading 2 books. "No Stones" by Marnie Ferree, and also Beth Moore’s book, "Get out of that Pit". They are both excellent. In the first book I mentioned, it talks about women and sexual addiction. Which is really not about sex at all, it is an intimacy problem. It’s not sex I want, it’s love. These problems come from feelings of abandonment as a child. Thank you all again for your comments, prayers and websites. Phoebe
9 LT // Apr 29, 2008 at 5:11 pm
(USA) Hi Phoebe, I found this link from this website one day when I was looking at a lot of different articles here. It came to mind as I read your comment.
The author, Anne, also has an interesting story - you should read about her as well. She was the victim of affair on her husband’s part and said it changed her life because she chose to let it make her a better person. I pray you continue your vigilance in cutting ties with the other man. You and your husband both deserve better, regardless of what kind of person the other man is. God cares for you and your husband and loves you and wants your marriage to be healed and restored to a better place than before.
Hope you find it helpful! Love and prayers. http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/QuestionsFromOtherWoman.htm
10 Stephanie // Apr 29, 2008 at 11:35 pm
(USA) Hello Everyone- I need some advice. I need help with ending my affair. I don’t really know where to start, but I am relieved to find a place to talk with other women with similar problems because I can’t bring myself to talk with anyone about it. This is the second time that I have had an affair with the same man. My husband and I were married nearly a year ago. Prior to getting married, I cheated on him with a guy I had dated previously. My husband and I were engaged and I started to see my ex prior to the official engagement.
I know that my husband and I were not ready for marriage, but I think that I felt so guilty and convicted for what I did, that I was moved to marry out of shame– as though I owed him something. My husband and I had several problems in our relationship, but I overlooked a lot of things before getting married. It was strange to see my desire for my husband increase as I started to end the affair. But then shortly after our marriage, I started to see why I was falling away from him originally. As a Christian (although I obviously don’t model Christian behavior), I was moved more by what I should do and who I should marry as oppose to following my heart.
I convinced myself that my now husband was the one I should marry because he was X,Y,Z… but in the end, our marriage started to fall apart shortly thereafter. As my depression over the marriage increased, I started to isolate myself and detach myself from my husband. In making myself vulnerable, I started to strike some conversations over the internet with the guy I had previously had an affair with.
When I was originally with him, I was amazed at how much he loved and respected me. Often times in the church it is easy for women to feel belittled by men under the patriarchal system –at least if the men tend to abuse it. The guy I had the affair with was not a Christian, but I felt so much more complete with him –there was this mutual respect that I never had before.
Well, in thinking back on these memories and feelings, I opened up to him again and told him about how unhappy I was. I told him about how much I missed him and how big of a mistake I had made. During the first affair, we both loved each other so much and he wanted me to call off the wedding so bad. But, I was so ashamed of what I did, that I couldn’t bring myself to do something like that. I was so afraid of what everyone would think of me, when it came out, that I just continued with the wedding plans. I can tend to have a low self-esteem and confidence in myself, that allows people to walk all over me and keeps me from making decisions for myself.
I know that I hurt my lover very much. I remember the day that I told him I couldn’t see him anymore, we were both crying and he kept on saying that he didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop the marriage for us. The stress and emotion of everything happening at that time kept me from making the right decision.
Moving ahead again, to where I am now, the emails over the internet increased and increased over several weeks. Finally, we started to see each other in neutral places with mutual friends (while I was married). My husband didn’t know he was there, and he would have been livid because I told him about the first time I cheated on him before we married. I didn’t justify it by telling myself it was okay since my husband was so disappointed. I just tried to ignore my convictions because this other person loved me and didn’t want anything more than to be with me. Even after I hurt him so much, he couldn’t help but want to be with me again. The feelings were mutual. We both recognized the love that we had for each other and regardless of me being married, or me hurting him before, we started to pursue each other. Finally we starting to sneak around and the relationship progressed as we had sexual relations.
Many times we both said we couldn’t sleep with each other anymore because it was so wrong, but self-control has been nearly impossible. My husband and I grew further and further apart. I started to hate him and provoked more problems than we had because I was so angry with my life. My rejection of him caused him to become neglectful, financially irresponsible, emotionally abusive, and started to show signs of violent behavior. I used that to justify me separating and moving in with a friend, but deep down I knew that I did it to have more freedom to see my lover.
A lot more since has happened, but to fast-forward to my present situation, I recognize that regardless of my true feelings for my lover and my irresponsible behavior to marry at an inappropriate time in my life, it was wrong for me to initiate the affair with my lover. Even though he brings so much happiness into my life, it is all concealed and I can’t stand living a lie.
Living in privacy and lying to everyone around me is just killing me. I’m lying to myself when I call myself a Christian. I’m lying to my parents and friends when they think I am a victim to my husband’s treatment. I am lying to God when I try to have a relationship with him, but choose to participate in something that boldly disregards and shames the faith I claim to hold so dearly. I feel so bad for hurting my husband and putting him through so much pain over the past half year as I pursued my lover and antagonized our marriage.
As I am admitting this to myself, I am overcome with so much anxiety over what to do and what will happen. My husband and I have been separated for such a long time and I want us to work on our marriage with counseling, but he is unresponsive right now. I’ve plead with him to work on us, with me, but he has yet to respond to my email. He has had a lot of anxiety and fear as a result of our problems and wanted space to have time to think about where we should be headed. I have yet to tell him about the second affair, and I don’t know how to tell him. Part of me doesn’t want to tell him at all because I’m scared he’ll leave me. I also am concerned that if I don’t tell him, my lover might try to say something out of anger and because I put him through so much pain.
But I know that I need to tell him because he deserves honesty, and because it is the right thing to do. I did love my husband for a long time before we were married, and before I met my lover. Something happened between us, apart from my infidelity, that caused our relationship to turn sour. But regardless of where we are now, I know that I can be happy with him, and I know that God can change my heart and his.
Please help me. I need some encouragement and advice. This is so overwhelming for me and I just want to do the right thing. I’m just so afraid of the consequences of my actions. I’m so scared that I’ve ruined my life for good.
11 Jess // Apr 30, 2008 at 8:26 am
(USA) Stephanie, I’m so glad you happened upon this website. I know what you are experiencing and it is not an easy thing to do (both staying in the A (affair) and getting out of it).
It sounds like you are now rethinking your marriage and are willing to put the effort and energy into seeing if it can be healed, and that is wonderful but the only way to even begin is to end your A (affair). There is no way that you can sort out your feelings if the AP (affair partner) is in your life, no matter how good it feels to have someone who you enjoy being with and confide in.
The thing about an A is that it totally clouds all judgment, including feelings — You have to keep in mind that you don’t spend day in and day out with the AP and that real life is not a part of the equation (bills, keeping a house, children, etc, etc). That’s the illusion that keeps us thinking that this person is so PERFECT for us because we haven’t experienced the true trials of life together with them and all we can see is how they make is feel at the moment.
I understand the fact that you feel you may have married the "wrong" person but you will truly never know unless you give up the A all together. This other person has been a part of your engagement and marriage the entire time so you have had no time to truly figure it out. Being with him prior to your engagement and being with him now has allowed you NO time to figure anything out. Am I reading it right that your H (husband) is out of the house right at this time? If so, this could be a good thing to give you some space to try to figure things out.
What you need to do is focus on yourself and figure out why you have taken the road that you have. I know you talked about self-esteem, and truthfully, this plays a big factor in almost all A because we are in need of feeling validated and wanted, if we aren’t getting it in our M (marriage) and it’s easier to get the validation outside of our M, then it is to try to find a place to start on working on our M.
I too am a Christian and being in the place that I have been has been the roughest road. There is NO WAY to have a close and personal relationship with the Lord when we are clearly going against His Word — Oh my Goodness the struggles I have had with that!! The A has literally separated me from Christ making it hard to pray and worship because I was consumed with this other person and what I was involved in.
My A is officially over. I have asked him not to contact me any more, that we both need to go on with our separate lives and to please let me go. I am trying to constitute a complete NC (no contact) policy with him because I can’t get over him if there is continual contact, even just a text and this is so hard because they become a part of your life (as hidden as it is) and you become reliant on them for their friendship and the emotional high that they provide so not being able to communicate with them on any level feels like a total death.
I made it through 8-1/2 days until my XAP (ex affair partner) sent me a text saying he knew he wasn’t supposed to contact me but that he just wanted to know that I was ok — I wasn’t going to respond but ended up doing it the following day which I knew shouldn’t have, but I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I think that I have gained some emotional control over having asked him not to contact me and having the week + not hearing from him. All I can do is put one step in front of the other. My H has no idea either and at this point in time, that is the way I’m going to keep it. He never deserved to have to watch me cry and be all emotional over someone that he didn’t even know existed — That is the hard part, you will grieve this other person but it’s a must if you are going to figure yourself and your marriage out!!!
Please know that we are here for you and that we understand what you are going through and just remember that God already knew what was going to be taking place in your life before it ever happened so He is fully aware of the outcome of this (based on your choices of course). Distance yourself from your AP…It’s the only way.
Many hugs and blessings to you!! Jess Please visit: http://www.ivillage.com
12 Angel // May 5, 2008 at 8:06 pm
(USA) After I posted this I tried to begin to start pulling away. The next day his contact persisted above anything he had ever done. We met today and for the first time I wanted to leave before he did. I wanted to get it over and go home. I even had the thought this is the last time you will be with him and I was not sad. Until today I thought I loved this man. I am not really sure what’s is going on. I am not sure if God has temporary lifted a fog…who knows it may be back tomorrow. Today was definitely weird.
13 Angel // May 5, 2008 at 9:07 pm
(USA) Jess the statement you made above really got to me
"Please know that we are here for you and that we understand what you are going through and just remember that God already knew what was going to be taking place in your life before it ever happened so He is fully aware of the outcome of this (based on your choices of course). ….."
Sometimes I wonder how a God could ask me to be His daughter knowing the foolishly huge sins I would commit. How can He love me when I sin? Am I jumping in and out of His Book of Life? When I behave, am I there, and when I sin, am I rubbed out? God judged many nations and cities for behaving immorally….I am thinking way to much tonight. Tired going to bed.
God bless you all for your love and input.
14 Jess // May 7, 2008 at 8:20 am
(USA) Angel, "Sometimes I wonder how a God could ask me to be His daughter knowing the foolishly huge sins I would commit. How can He love me when I sin? Am I jumping in and out of His Book of Life? When I behave, am I there, and when I sin, am I rubbed out? God judged many nations and cities for behaving immorally"
God loves you! He sent his Son to die on a cross for you. Do you realize that even if you were the only one on this earth, he would have sent His Son to die on that cross for you alone? He loves you and that will never stop. Jesus died for ALL of your sins, the past ones, the present ones and the future ones that you don’t even know you will commit yet so you don’t need to worry about jumping in and out of His Book of Life — The price has been settled for you by accepting Christ as your Savior!! All He asks is that we repent and more away from the sin which is not always easy and He knows this.
He knows your heart and the pain that you go through!! Hugs and Blessings, Jess
15 Lisa // May 7, 2008 at 9:29 am
(USA) Hi, I stumbled upon this site and some of these comments seem very helpful. Here is my story:
I have been married to a wonderful guy for 10 months. After years of dating and being single, he was the first man I said after a month–I could marry him, I feel it. Before we got engaged (but I knew it was coming), I started getting nervous. Is this the right person for me? Is there someone better? Forever is a scary word, etc. I come from a family of divorce, parents divorced after 27 years of marriage, grandparents, aunts/uncles… I have never seen a happy marriage, so for me-I think most marriages do fail. (sorry for sounding so negative).
I got engaged and was happy about it, and a year later (last summer) got married. I guess part of me always had that thought-WHAT IF this isn’t right? Though when we are together, things are great. Fast forward 6 months into the marriage, I became friends with an older (by 17 years) man here at my office. He is divorced, 2 kids, and has a very powerful position at my company. Many people look up to him. We started a casual friendship but he took a liking to me fast. We didn’t see each other too often, working in different offices, but emails went back and forth and once in a while a lunch, or drinks after work.
Sure enough, we started connecting emotionally. I started pulling away from my marriage, getting confused…maybe I married the wrong guy, maybe this other man is right for me, i feel that connection. He also reminds me so much of my father who was a bit emotionally distant in my life, so I really like that about him. He professed his feelings for me, and said he wished I wasn’t married and how we could have a great life together, etc. This coming from a man like this, made me feel amazing. Yet I knew it was so wrong.
About a month ago, I started really questioning my marriage, and things had been getting distant. I told my husband I am not ready to have kids (he is a few years older and really wants them ASAP)…but I told him I am confused about this marriage. I feel so terrible because I get upset at home and can’t tell my husband that I have this with the other man. I have decided that in order to see if my marriage is right, I need to cut all contact with the other person.
It’s only been 2 days, and it’s very hard…but I know I have to do it. I spoke with my parents about how I am feeling and they both agree that I need to give my marriage my all, go to counseling, anything…and give it a time period–maybe a year from now…see how it is. Hopefully everything that is missing will be there again, but if not, I will cross that bridge then.
It’s just so scary not knowing though the outcome. I miss the other man so badly and I know I broke his heart. Deep down, I know he is waiting for my final decision… though I told him I am not making one anytime soon. He said the connection he has with me, he hasn’t had with anyone before, and he has more love for me than he ever did for his wife. It’s just so confusing! I see life with him as great, but he also comes with some baggage. Maybe love overcomes that.
All I ever wanted was a marriage of true love, head over heels love…I know sometimes that goes away after the romantic phase, but still. What if I lose my chance with this other man?
Sorry so long, just wanted to get it all out there! Thanks in advance for any advice.
16 LYNNE // May 7, 2008 at 12:06 pm
(USA) Lisa, I just read your post and I applaud your decision to give your all to your marriage. Focus on why you fell in love with your husband. What was it like when the two for you first got together? Remember how great is was? Ask GOD to remind you if your having a hard time. Don’t think about overcoming obstacles with this other man. Concentrate on overcoming the obstacles that started making your marriage distant. My husband was extremely neglectful and we almost ended in divorce because of his addiction to lust. I can’t even tell you how many times I thought about going and finding someone else and especially when I have awesome guy friends.
You cannot feel bad about breaking this other man’s heart. He set himself up for heart ache because he knew that you were married. You need to change your image of this man or else you’ll find it incredibly hard to distance yourself. Instead of seeing him as this great guy who loves you, see him for what he really is. He is a threat. He is this man that took advantage of your venerability, without any respect for GOD or for you. And he’s aiding you in disobeying GOD. Thus he’s your key to damnation.
If he really cared about you, do you think that he’d be pursuing you when knows that you are married? He doesn’t respect or love you very much if he doesn’t care about your soul. He’s lonely and confused. You’re lonely too and that’s the only reason this connection happened in the first place.
Telling your husband about this situation would be a great way to start. You should tell him everything about what was going on and how confused you are. Lead with your decision to make your marriage work. Then maybe together you can discover the root reason for your marital venerability. Are you contacting a Christian Counselor? I strongly suggest you do, because a marriage with out Christ is not really a marriage. Are you and your husband believers? I get a feeling that you are. That is why you know this emotional affair is wrong.
I will be praying for you really hard Lisa, and I hope that you find what you need in your husband. I know how being neglected and neglectful can feel. Love ya, LYNNE
17 Angel // May 8, 2008 at 6:37 pm
(USA) I am numb. This may or may not be long. It is complicated. While J was seeing me, apparently there also was another woman. She was a fatal attraction type. I found out about her and basically gave him an ultimatum. He has not seen her since February and I have his email passwords to prove this. She had threatened to go to his wife months ago by email and tell her. Today she made good on her threat. We were in the middle of email exchanges when the tone changed and he told me what had just happened. He told me no contact what-so-ever on email or phone, and that he loved me.
When I was with him Monday I heard a voice say, “This is the last time you will be with him.”
I had told God the first day I posted here that I could not break up with him. I did not think that he was going to have to do something on his end. It was so fast, so quick….and I am totally numb. How will I ever manage this? And I get to go to my daughters dance recital and have to act all happy..when emotionally I am in a lot of pain.
18 Jess // May 9, 2008 at 10:04 am
(USA) Oh Angel
I totally understand what you are going through right now — I TRULY do!!
My situation was kind of the same way. I was struggling and went forward at church (didn’t say anything about my situation) for prayer and literally 2 days later his wife confronted him on who I was because she saw my phone number all over the cell phone bill. I believe that once I gave the situation up to God, He found a way to take care of it regardless as to whether or not I was in a place where I was really wanting or ready (emotionally) for it to be over or not. It’s amazing how it works!!
God has now allowed a way for you to be free of this situation. He knew that it was going to be difficult and painful for you to go through but still wanted to provide you with a way out. The voice you heard on Monday was God preparing you for what He already knew was going to take place with J’s wife finding out. Be thankful and grateful that it was this other woman that the focus is on right now (I’m assuming that the wife knows nothing about you). You don’t want to be known as a home wrecker and the fact that this other person is the one who confronted his wife, if something happens his marriage (ending), it will be directed towards her, provided it doesn’t come out that he was involved with you as well.
The numbness you are feeling is completely normal, it’s the way your body is protecting itself. You are going to experience SO many emotions so be prepared.
I just hope that you are going to step back and walk away from this situation!?!?! God has provided a way for you to but it’s going to be up to you to make the right decisions and choices from this point forward. I can only hope that you will make the choice to not stay involved with J. The fact that he told you no more contact via email or phone what-so-ever, is telling you that he doesn’t want it found out that he has been with you as well, which means he is concerned about losing his marriage.
I am going on 2 months since physically seeing the other man (by my choice). It was too hard to be with him for an hour here and an hour there and then have to walk away knowing that he was going back home to his wife and me to my husband — It just hurt too much and I was sick and tired of putting myself through it over and over again. Most of the time we would see each other, there was no sex involved because I wasn’t going to be doing that in a vehicle. Having sex with him was wrong all in itself and I felt like I had enough self worth in myself that I wasn’t going to be someone who did that in a vehicle. He knew where I stood and never pushed that. He was happy just being able to hold me, kiss me and just talk.
I’m not going to kid you, it is going to be very hard. But once I realized that I couldn’t even talk to him on the phone anymore like we used to (we never emailed), what was the point, honestly? I lived day to day being able to talk to him in the morning and during the day…it got me through the day. And now that had been taken away. Once you clearly see what is remaining now, with no emails or calls, you will see how empty it is going to be.
Be the one to tell him it is over if he still attempts to see you. There are soooo many stories out there where the guy has been the one to end things and the women are feeling worse because they were not able to be the one to end things. There is a true power that you give yourself when you are the one to say "NO MORE"!
PLEASE give that to yourself — Take back a little bit of yourself that you have allowed J to take away from you. Being in an affair drains at your self worth and it’s now time for you to take some of it back!!!!
We are here for you….please keep posting as it’s a great outlet to talk with others who have gone/going through what you are going through.
Many hugs to you and you will be in my prayers!! Jess
19 Angel // May 10, 2008 at 9:30 pm
(USA) God I am hurting! I went to email J a letter telling him that I knew his first priority had to be his kids now and his email account has been discontinued. I have his work account. He does not even know I have it and I could use it if I wanted to. This just seems so final and so upsetting to me. I was numb and not doing too bad until I decided to send the email. Now this is just so utterly final and I am shaking. My 21 year old just asked me what was wrong and I had to try to fake through it. (cry)
20 Jess // May 11, 2008 at 7:58 am
(USA) Angel, PLEASE go to this website: http://www.ivillage.com When you get to this website I want you to click on the "Messageboard" tab then type in "after an affair" in the search box. Go to the board that says EAS. This is a message board center where people who are going through the end of an affair go to post and talk to one another — I PROMISE, IT WILL HELP.
I wish I could give you a HUGE HUG, but know you are getting one from afar. You are going to experience literal withdrawals from not being in contact with him. You need to let the withdrawals start, it’s the only way for the Affair Fog to lift so you can see the affair as it really is and not through Rose Colored Glasses so to speak.
I know you are hurting, it feels like a death and in reality, it is. You are going to grieve the loss of this relationship just like you would any other except that it is going to be more difficult because it was a hidden relationship and you have to be careful on how you mourn because nobody knows about it — It’s Horrible, my husband has watched me cry and be depressed and he feels helpless…
Please try to take some time for yourself — You need to get involved in something that you enjoy doing as an outlet. Go somewhere where you can park with the windows rolled up and scream and cry where no one can hear or see you — LET IT OUT, you can’t keep it inside, it will only make it worse. I’ve actually been thinking about getting into individual counseling and you might want to do the same — I need to figure out why I would ever allow myself to be in this situation.
DO NOT E-MAIL HIM OR CALL HIM!!!!!! He has asked you to not and you need to follow that not so much for him, but for you — You need to be able to take some control back and as much as you don’t see that this is taking a little bit of it back right now, you will once the shock and numbness of what you are feeling starts to lift.
PLEASE go to the ivillage board and read through some of the stories and when/if you feel comfortable, post your story and let others talk to you — You will see that you are NOT alone and that your situation is more common than you think….
I hope you have a good day — Happy Mother’s Day!! Please take this day to remember you (not him).
I know you are hurting, I am experiencing the same hurt, but mine has lifted some because the numbness and shock has lifted and I’m starting to see things a little clearer now. The pain does lessen but you need to do your absolute best to not contact him right now. You think that it will help if you hear from him but I promise you that it’s the exact opposite. New Contact = New Hurt. You may feel better while you are talking to him but as soon as the phone hangs up or the e-mail is read, you start back at square one with the emotional hurt — Don’t put yourself through that, you deserve better than that!!
Love, Jess
21 LT // May 11, 2008 at 11:51 am
(USA) Hi Angel, Firstly, the email account being closed is absolutely a blessing! Sometimes things that cause us to sin (stumbling blocks as the bible calls them) have to be cut off cold turkey.
You have to battle this one day at a time. It’s actually going to be more like a few hours at a time, initially, then a day at a time, then a week at a time, etc. until you no longer have to fight the urge off at all.
Keep in mind - it is a SIN for you to be contacting this man for unpure reasons or even thinking about him.
Now that it is done, you have to focus on God. This means every time you think of him, want to email him, etc. stop, pray and open your bible and read until the urge goes away. This is the ONLY way you can move on. Replacing unpure things with pure things.
It’s hardly any different than a drug addiction. Your feelings break down to an emotional addiction (the other man is what feeds it) and now that it’s not being fed, you are going through withdrawal. You have a long, hard withdrawal period but feeding your addiction by giving in to your urges will keep you from ever moving on. Don’t feed the addiction anymore!
It is the RIGHT (and righteous) thing to move on. It is pleasing to God. It is unpleasing to God when you give in to the urges. The way to move on from this addiction is to focus on God and focus on cutting the sin out of your life. As you can see, it is a BIG job and that’s what will fill up the void. Where you used to sin and have an affair, now you have to replace it with learning the habit of not sinning and cutting the affair off. It’s like throwing away an old habit and unlearning it, and learning a new habit and new way of life. One without the affair.
Keep plugging through it. It’s very difficult at first but gets easier over time. It’s like a car accident victim or stroke victim learning how to walk again.
Consider these verses: Mark 9:43-49 - it talks about sin that can keep someone from entering the kingdom of God and in this passage it says whatever is causing someone to sin, it must be plucked out. Your affair MUST be plucked out of your life - COMPLETELY.
God has taken it away from you cold turkey. He’s giving you guidance by doing this and telling you the right direction to walk in but it’s up to you to follow that guidance. You’ve been given the road to take - you must now make your choice over whether to follow it (the right road out of sin) or whether to stay in it and continue thinking about a man who is not your husband. A man Satan is using to play on your emotions and draw you away from God and threaten your very entrance into the kingdom of God.
Please do the right thing. Don’t even think about sending an email to the work account. Look at it this way - doing that would be playing right into the devil’s hand. You’re tearing yourself up, you’re tearing your marriage up and you’re lying to your child to cover your sin. When you look at it that way (and that’s my perspective as an objective outsider and fellow sister in Christ), it makes it a little clearer what is really going on and hopefully makes it easier to push those thoughts out of your mind each time they crop up. You will need to practice putting those thoughts out of your mind every moment until they no longer come and that will take a few weeks or months.
I will keep you in my prayers. With love and hope, LT
22 Angel // May 11, 2008 at 12:02 pm
(USA) Is it normal to feel exhausted and why?
23 Marie // May 12, 2008 at 7:33 am
(USA) Dear LT, Wow! Thank you for your heart and the time you took to share with Angel.
I’ve been suffering in silence for 5 days of NC. It breaks my heart and almost overwhelms me with grief that I must cut off all contact with my best friend forever.
I tried to have it all - being married with children AND still have the romance and excitement I craved with my best friend. I never would’ve cheated with a man. My guard was up. That was completely off limits.
But Satan got to me thru the back door. It was unlocked. I’ve never had lesbian tendencies. But one kiss and … I’ve been "happily" in bondage for 4 yrs. Living a lie. Pretending to be a good Christian. And unable to break off my relationship.
Last week, I thank God for new strength. My BF and I have both been convicted that God can never bless our sinful lives. I was trading my stable marriage and the future of my relationship with my children for something that could never be. It was a mirage.
Even though I knew from the beginning it was wrong and would never work, I continued for 4 years. I can’t put my finger on why.
Your advice of "replace your behavior with learning the habit of not sinning and cutting the affair off. " is so true. It’s exactly what Beth Moore teaches in "Breaking Free" and "Why Godly People do Ungodly Things." So why haven’t I mastered it yet?
Your post helped and encouraged me. Now that the A is officially over, I need to continue to run to His Word and read the Bible until my obsessive feeling fades. Days that I do not begin with prayer and submission, I am ripe for a huge battle.
Here’s my prayer, "Lord, for all of us whom You are convicting to end our sinful relationships, give us courage. Help us to see our wrongful behavior and confess it to You. And please use this blog and other godly people to support us as we repent by turning away from that bad habit. Lord, may we turn to You to satisfy our need for relational intimacy. May we seek You with all our hearts. Thank you for helping us to connect to one another on this blog. May you use this to help open our eyes and heal our hearts. Amen"
24 Janina // May 13, 2008 at 6:58 pm
(USA) I am in same boat, sinking, and I am a "Christian" too in a very public position. I broke it off twice and now he won’t take me back this last time! Both of us are married and would never have let our spouses know! He’s a fool! He says he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore! He’s hurting me now! He’s doing a no contact thing with me, I guess. And his wife doesn’t even know.
Each time I ended it I changed my number and hurt him, I guess. Then I called him 3 days later crying “I’m sorry, I love you.” We’ve been in love ten years and consummated it last September. Now it’s over? My husband is a better man altogether! But it’s the high, the emotion the euphoria, I miss and so I called him Saturday after two weeks of no calls by either of us. He didn’t answer or call me back.
Last time he didn’t call me back, I said horrible things on his voice mail, and he called back then! We both cried. I know he loves me but wants it to end! Why? Because I hurt him? Why would a man give up a non-threatening affair? He said it’s for me and watch the movie Roman Holiday???
25 Janina // May 13, 2008 at 8:42 pm
(USA) I didn’t think the above (last) post posted. I typed it through my cell phone, sorry for the spelling and stuff. Anyways, it sounds like I am a young girl or something, but I am 43 and he is 52, no young hotties. (Well, not young…..hotties, maybe : )
It has been one long almost ten year emotional affair, and then, because I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, I took it to the next level, cautiously. But he responded, and it was intense.
And the calls, the calls, the calls! I think it affected him more so than me, and he always told me that I’d never know how much he loves me, and he doesn’t want to hurt me or my family (husband). When I screamed horrible things at him, about me being his whore, (I knew better, but I also knew it would make him call me), he called mad as can be and said he’d never be over me, bla bla bla, and love doesn’t disappear, bla bla bla. But he’s doing a no contact!
Is he scared of me now, that I went off on him? He knows I’d never risk my position (in the church) and family by telling anyone. I think he is doing it for me and himself, and his wife and daughters and his sanity. He knows we can never be together, and that always used to make him sad. Sadder than me.
And like you all- my husband is the better man, in every way.
Now I’m out of an addictive love affair, and out of a ten year emotionally charged friendship. It’s driving me crazy sad. It’s such a loss. It’s a hole. I have prayed, and each time I broke it off, it was with so much determination, and strength. Only to call him 3 days later, saying I missed him, and can’t leave him.
I don’t feel bad for crying with him the day I made him call me back, with those terrible things I said. I told him that that’s what happens: I’m hurting you, because you’re hurting me. I’m crying, I’m sad, this hurts and this sucks, and you’re gonna hear me cry! And I made him listen to me cry. When you love someone and you sleep with them, and then it starts ending, or ends, what do you expect? A lot of emotion, thats what!
I keep repeating NC=NH, like I read above. New contact= new hurt. And the new hurt is when I called Saturday, left a nice message, and haven’t got a call back. That’s the new hurt. I know he loves me. Maybe his wife found out, or was getting suspicious, or maybe I just want to think that, rather than to think he’d dump me?
26 LT // May 13, 2008 at 9:27 pm
(USA) Hi Janina, I recently wrote a post here to Angel and if you didn’t already read that, I’d suggest it to you because I think it applies to your situation as well.
The other thing that came to mind in reading your situation was this - I don’t think this other man is intentionally trying to hurt you. Here is what I think is going on (or at least what I hope is going on) - I think he simply is feeling the very strong tug to do the right thing.
The Godly thing is to end it. I hope, for both of your sakes, that this is why he is ending it. If he is doing it because of a spiritual conscience issue then it means God is seriously tapping him on the shoulder telling him, "uh uh", no no, what you are doing is wrong!
Even if that’s not the reason why he’s ending it, I believe God is also tapping your shoulder and telling you the same thing. No, no - it’s wrong.
You can drive yourself crazy wondering why but my suggestion, in addition to the suggestions I wrote in my post above to Angel, is to start reading the articles here on affairs but also on being a Godly woman. SOOO many of these articles have spoken to my spiritual heart over the year I’ve been coming to this site and have changed me into a better spiritual-minded person and I’m sure they can do the same for you. There were times when I read through some of them, in tears, knowing that God had directed me right to them because they were so fitting for my life. It’s a wonderful experience and I pray that happens for you, as well, over the next few weeks and months of your healing journey out of infidelity.
When you start wondering why it’s ending - tell yourself first that it’s because it is God’s will. He loves you so much he not only gave his Son’s life for all of us and our sins, but to you individually that he’s taking this affair from you to help keep you from giving in to your sinful desires.
He’s helping you by wanting to keep you from sinning in the first place. It’s hard at first but it is the right thing. You have to take over the reigns from here, though, and buckling down and being strong despite the pull of your flesh.
Being a Christian is a series of situations where we must die to the self. Stay strong and keep pushing through this. There could be a million reasons why this man is doing this but look at it this way : it’s God loving you so much He’s helping you to stop. That’s why it’s happening. With love, LT
27 Marie // May 14, 2008 at 4:49 am
(USA) Janina, If you are like me, during the first day of no contact (NC), you think you will go out of your mind. Do whatever you have to do to break past that 3 day NC. Be away from all phones.
I am starting to have my obsession replaced with peace. And the pain is still there. I think it will always be to some extent.
I agree with LT (isn’t she great!?) that he is not intentionally hurting you. And it is God’s will for both of you to become "disentangled".
Be thankful he is not crying to you and begging you not to end it. God brought you both to this point for a reason.
There’s much wisdom in these posts and many others. Use whatever you can to gather strength to get thru one minute at a time, then one hour at a time and soon it will be one day at a time.
28 Marie // May 14, 2008 at 5:01 am
(USA) Janina, One more thought… don’t think of it as he has dumped you. You both have agreed it should end twice before. So it has been on each of your hearts. He simply found the strength this time to initiate.
And why should he end a "nonthreatening" affair? I think you hit it on the head with the word "sanity". Could it be that living a lie is destroying him?
I feel so "unworthy" to give any insight. I’m on day 7 of NC. And I feel I could "fall" any moment. But I’ve been asking God for His help. By my own efforts, I am so fragile and weak. Godspeed.
29 LT // May 14, 2008 at 12:03 pm
(USA) Hi Janina and Marie, Just an FYI that I went through the same thing. It was almost an entire decade ago now. God got me through it but it was actually one of the worst times of my life; it was very difficult but my marriage was very bad as well so that’s what made that time even more confusing than it could have been. (I wasn’t leaving a great husband and marriage for my jollies. Satan knew how horrible (abusive) my marriage was and I played right into that temptation). I can’t say my husband was great, etc. He’s much more spiritually minded now, as am I, but I may try to give the details when I have more time in the future. I have been there, so I just wanted to share that in case my "credibility" was questionable.
I will say this - only and I mean ONLY God was what got me through. I would have never been able to do it on my own - it requires strength beyond human capabilities. Both of you ladies will get there. I just know it! Stay strong and when you feel weak, pray for more strength!
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. "
Matthew 7:7-8
30 Janina // May 14, 2008 at 12:49 pm
(USA) Thank you so much. I’m at work and cannot post but appreciate your words! Thanks!
31 Angel // May 14, 2008 at 1:57 pm
(USA) It’s been almost a week now since he last corresponded with me. Some days are better than others. I was actually pretty happy today. Maybe my love tank is filling back up. I did send the one email to his work email addy..a short 4 liner basically telling him I knew he had to do what he had to do to save his family. I did not expect a response. The wife has obviously told the children. I saw on the 18 year old daughters myspace she was numb and wanted someone to "tell me what to say to him".
I went into my photos just now I just wanted to look at his picture and saw I had accidentally deleted all my inbox photos..not just his but all I had received in emails. It makes me sad not to have them but maybe God did it. All I have of him now is one on my cell phone.
I am learning some things about myself. I’m learning the high and rush I got that his attention had overtaken me. I find myself wanting another male to fill that void. I have to let God cure this hole in my heart or the same thing will happen again. I am trying to go to my husband for hugs and comfort even though he has no clue why. I have got to allow God to fix my little girl trauma and heal me.
32 Janina // May 15, 2008 at 1:49 am
(USA) Jess, your posts are encouraging and I read and re-read them. I wish I had found this sight earlier. We never agreed to break up previously, I broke it off with him. He couldn’t reach me because I changed cell phone numbers twice. So that’s why he says he knows he’s hurting me. He can’t give me what I want. I was becoming ever more demanding. The more of him I had the more I wanted. He had business problems and would be late calling and I’d be crying. Dumb of me.
Anyways, I would never tell husband and suggest that no wife does that unless she is willing to seriously consider divorce. It’s a big possibility, and not one to risk to clear your conscience and dump your (our) garbage on him, the innocent one. Your marriage will suffer more, unless of course he’s a jerk. I love my husband with my life, can you believe that? Its true. I’ve been with him since I was 15. Yet I cheated.
33 Janina // May 16, 2008 at 11:42 am
(USA) I called Tuesday and asked if he would call me back just to exchange pleasantries. He did briefly, then said he had to go and to call him Friday. Today is Friday. He was just stalling and appeasing me, but I kinda want to call, but if he doesn’t answer, then NC=NH! Help, its almost lunch.
34 LT // May 16, 2008 at 1:45 pm
(USA) Hi Janina, Well it’s disappointing that you are still communicating with a man that is not your husband.
With anyone else, it would be "pleasantries," not, however, with a man with whom you had an affair. Please don’t kid yourself… it’s not pleasantries, it’s an addiction. You are still giving in to the addiction.
All I can say is you have to ask yourself, do you really want to move on and stop the affair? Your recent post seems to imply otherwise. Do you really think it is wrong to have an affair (physical or emotional) or do you not? The Bible says it is. Do you believe that? Only you can make the decision to stop. Talking to this man, for any reason, isn’t helping you to do the right thing.
I’ll give you an example - my church confronted my husband on his abusing me. He was told to stop doing it (hitting/shoving me) or not come home. His actions were endangering my safety and my life so those were his choices. If he had come home (after our brief separation) and justified continuing to hit me, our church would have stepped in again and treated him as an unbeliever or I would have called the police.
In other words, he didn’t come home, after being confronted, and continue to do the same things and then find ways to justify it. This was the only example I could bring to mind to try and convey to you my thoughts on this.
Your husband knows nothing of this affair but who is to say, if you don’t cut it off, that God won’t find a way to open your husband’s eyes to it?
I told you in one of my post’s that God was helping you to move on by having the other man want to stop contact with you. If you don’t follow God on this at this step, all I can guess is that God will find another way to get your attention and it will probably be harsher the next time. Listen to God now, while God is still being gentle. Stop trying to call this man or contact him in any way. Move on with your life.
I’ll share with you what kept me from EVER wanting to have an affair again. I left my husband briefly to be with the other man. I had no intention of coming back. But it didn’t work out (of course) and I returned home, albeit to an abusive husband. I did the right thing, however, I found myself so confused and thinking I loved 2 men and I couldn’t find my way out of that hole (I didn’t have a website like this to come to) and I spiraled into depression. Eventually I attempted suicide. I hated my life and what I’d done and the awful sinner I became. I am convinced the only reason I’m here today is God sent some angels to save me. I had swallowed pills, woke up in vomit and couldn’t keep any food down for three days. I can assure you, THAT got my attention.
Normally I don’t share this much personal info but I know what I’m talking about - I’ve been there. I’m trying to keep you from going there or somewhere similar. God is using me and the others writing on this board to help you, but we can only help you if you let us.
I’m not the only one who has told you to stop contacting this man and I don’t know how to make it clearer to you but you are desperately in danger. You MUST stop communicating with this man. I hope this is clear. I’ll keep you in my prayers, LT
35 Janina // May 16, 2008 at 5:09 pm
(USA) I said thank you to Jess but meant everyone who’s responded to my posts. I post and read from from my cell phone and sometimes it’s difficult to know who posted what. So thanks to all!
36 Angel // May 17, 2008 at 10:55 am
(USA) Sisters, The women that are further down the path than we are really do know what they are talking about.
It has been about 10 days since we broke things off. I truly felt for 7 of those that I was going to curl up in a ball and die. I have problems with Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS) and they were severe due to the stress of this for a week. I decided I needed to take a few days off of work to take care of ME. My Doc wrote me a note off work for me for Thursday and Friday and has given me the lowest dose possible of Xanax temporarily to help relieve the stress that causes the IBS. I know this is temporary and only God can help in the long run.
The email I wrote I took control of the situation and ended things MY WAY. I also had a close girl friend (GF) erase his cell numbers off my phone. I did not have the strength to do it. I erased his photos off my phone. God in his mercy had me accidentally erase his photos off the PC days ago by mistake.
The sisters are right when they say if you can get through the initial hurt and pain that the fog really does lift. If I had put the last 18 months into my marriage that I had into him, who knows where we’d be now. I told my GF I had wasted 18 months of my life. She said if I grew from it and learned from it, it wasn’t wasted. God can take our internal GPS when we get lost and still get us where He wants us to go.
Afternoons are the hardest. I want to get on and find someone to chat with that’s male and I still fight with that. But every day is DOES get better. We CAN live without them. As Joyce Meyer would say we are dealing with soul ties of our own making.
When the fog begins lifting you start thinking what was I thinking….let the fog lift.
And the most beautiful thing is that last night I laid in bed and listened to a Christian teaching on CD and cried and felt God and He spoke to me.
I heard a song yesterday that said when our kite string gets all knotted up God will unravel it, and that sometimes it’s painful while He does, but once He has it straight then we can fly again! Love to all my sisters, Angel
37 Angel // May 20, 2008 at 1:34 pm
(USA) A last comment here on my situation. J called me on my job number today. A long time a go I told God I did not have the strength to break this off. I told God I wish J would get serious about Him (God) and break things off so that relationship could be restored. I always felt he just played church. In our short conversation he said his wife (even through the ex girlfriend was stalking him and sending the wife the email) has granted him total and complete forgiveness and that part of that was she got to keep up with all the phone records and work email. She has no clue I existed. They are receiving counseling from their minister.
He said he owes it to her and to his kids to try. I am so glad that God is faithful and hopefully J can have the relationship with God that I have always wanted him to have. I feel my prayers concerning that were spirit led and I am feeling like I am now able to have closure.
I know this will probably still be a battle at times but for J to have salvation…..that so blesses me and lifts my heart. God can truly use all our messes for His good and glory and I also have an appreciation for my own salvation as well as a new tenderness for prodigal children of God. For I now have been such a one.
His mom in an Alzheimer’s home has a doll that has been in my family for a while. He is going to try to get it and return it to me. I will probably take a girlfriend with me to get it in a public mall with no physical touches when it is time.
38 LT // May 20, 2008 at 5:02 pm
(USA) Hi Angel, Thanks for the update - God does make gold dust out of ashes.
I think it’s a good plan to have a girlfriend go with you to get the doll at a public place. Perhaps even better would be your friend to go and meet him without you, if possible. It sounds like you are close to closure. God bless!
39 Becky // Jun 2, 2008 at 8:45 am
(USA) I have been reading all the stories on this site. It helps to know I am not alone. Here is my story…
I have been married 13 years and have 3 children. About 5 years ago I started to feel horribly unhappy and lonely in my marriage. I thought it was just because we had little kids. That is what is suppose to happen, right? We slowly drifted apart. I was happy in all senses of my life, I had the family I had always dreamed about. But I had very little intimate relations with my husband (once every 6 or sometimes 8 months).
I had started a new job and had finally gotten out of the "mommy" stage of my life. I felt like a women again. A divorced from his wife and had 2 college aged children. We started an affair which I admit was just exciting at first but then we started to have feelings for each other. I fell hard. I made love to him and actually wanted it. After about 4 months into the affair my husband found out about it. I said I would end it but never did. I thought I would just be more careful. I was truly in love with this man. And I know that he loved me.
Anyway, to make a long story short, in that next 8 months I was telling my husband I wanted to make it work but couldn’t give up the affair. My husband found out about it again and then I started to question everything about my marriage. Why couldn’t I give this man up? I had everything I ever wanted. I didn’t want to get divorced because of my kids. How would that new relationship ever work? The guilt would overwhelm me.
My husband over the course of 2 years found out about the affair 5 times. I still couldn’t decide and I didn’t want to let the lover go because I still wanted to be with him. At one point I told my husband I wanted a divorce and then got too scared of the effect it would have on my kids. I could not afford to make it on my own. But I wasn’t sure if I was making this decision because I was still in love with this other man and that would be the only way I could be with him. When I finally realized divorce was not the answer (with the help of counseling and because I was just too chicken) I decided for his sake to let him go. Also I knew I needed him out of my life so the fog can lift. I know that.
My husband wants to work on our marriage. But I need to get over this other person first. I am trying not to hurt my husband any more that I have. I feel alone to grieve for this person. I know that no contact is the only way and I have contacted him after I said I couldn’t leave my husband, but he has not contacted me back. I know it’s not because he does not love me. It’s because he is trying to do the right thing.
My question is…What do I do? There is so much doubt that I actually love my husband because I can’t let my lover go. I keep going back to him. I am going through so much grief. What if my marriage does not work and I have then lost someone that I love deeply? Should I set a time period for my marriage or do I just throw in the towel and go for it with the other guy? Please help.
40 Lisa // Jun 2, 2008 at 10:46 am
(USA) Becky, I am so in your boat! I wrote a few weeks ago about myself and my situation. I am newly married (only a year) and already attached to someone else (mostly on an emotional level)…but it is just so hard to let go. I have no kids yet, and because of this have thought very hard–is this the right marriage for me? Should I give it all up for a chance with someone else? The guy I am talking about is 18 years older than me with 2 teenage boys, and a very big player at my company. I always liked power and older men.
My husband is the nicest guy in the world, and has no idea of anything, but knows I am upset about things. I am just confused. But when you said-the fog has to lift–that’s true,and I am hoping that happens with me as well. Because I wonder the same thing–If my marriage doesn’t work-will I lose this person forever? My problem is I get bored in relationships–I just wonder if I’d be the same way in a few years with this man.
We have a lot of differences…so I just wonder–maybe I am thinking-is the grass greener? I don’t want to get separated (especially this soon after getting married)…but I am filled with different thoughts everyday. I am in therapy, and am hoping that in a few months of NO CONTACT, I will be able to figure out what I want. Have you and your husband thought about therapy? I think with each passing day of no contact-it will get better a bit. But do you need to see him everyday?
41 Marie // Jun 2, 2008 at 10:47 am
(USA) Hi Becky, I am struggling today mightily with upholding my no contact (NC) from A. I dropped in here again to reread the posts and gather strength.
I do know what you are going through. I’ve tried many times over the last 4 years to end it. But I’ve never instituted the NC. Ultimately, my feelings never changed for A. And after even talking or emailing, the flames would kick up.
Why, when we both knew it was wrong, couldn’t I let my lover go? I believed I could have my cake and eat it too. I even had a better relationship with my husband because my other needs were being met outside our relationship. If he knew, it would be over. Absolute devastating disaster.
It has been God convicting me of my hypocrisy. How can I worship my savior, and keep knowingly sinning? How can I try to teach my children about Jesus and the "golden rule" and be exempt from my ideals? What would I ever tell my young children when their innocent eyes searched me to tell them "Why?"? How would my unbelieving husband ever come to know and trust Jesus with such hurtful sin by his believing & loving wife?
Writing this now to you is helping me resolve to stay in the NC mode. I hope it will be helpful to you in some way.
I knew that the relationship with A was a total fantasy and mirage. It helped me to feel beautiful, exciting, and as though I was 18. But switching over to live with A and my kids would be a huge, huge mistake. I recognized that from the beginning and so was content to try to have one foot in each camp.
I am now seeking fulfillment from the Lord. Thanking Him for giving me another chance. Since my heart has changed, I’ve received His confirmation and blessing. God is so good!
Even so, the temptation for just a phone call to check in is right in my face. Thank you for giving me a reason to write and remind myself of where I need to be and why! Godspeed.
42 Becky // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:55 am
(USA) Thank you both for responding…I am coming to grips that this man I was involved with was and is no good. It’s hard to see that at first because you only see the positive things in a person..how he made me feel. It is very blinding.
Yes, to answer your question my husband and I are in counseling. We have been for about 6 months. I have also been in individual counseling also. I think you are right about getting bored in a relationship. Married with 3 kids can get dull. Also it does not help that I am a bit rebellious.
It has been 3 1/2 weeks since I have seen him and only been 2 weeks since I have talked to him on the phone. There have been a couple of emails but he now will not respond to anything I send him. I know I shouldn’t but I do it anyway. So today I have decided to not contact him. It hurts that he won’t contact me back and the reason it hurts is because no matter what you want to know he still cares, and that he has not moved onto someone else. I know in every logical part of my brain that I would never be able to trust him in the "real" world.
So last night I decided that if my husband was comfortable I would tell him about the relationship bad sides. All the weird and distrustful things this man did. Oh and there are a bunch that I totally justified because I wanted that fix when I would see him. My husband was awesome and said he was glad I told him and that it seemed like that is what I needed to do to make it a reality in my head and heart. We are making progress.
I know that if I were to leave my husband and be with this other man it would probably not work. And the guilt would be overwhelming. But the grief I am feeling for losing him is still there. Hopefully it will get better a little at a time. I have learned that I trust my husband 100% and that I can actually lean on him during this time. Isn’t that crazy or do I just have a really good guy already.
My advice to you Lisa, is to continue the NC and try (if you are able) to be honest with your husband. Whether you stay married or not it’s the only way you can help yourself to better understand what it going on with you. I have learned to trust my husband and see what he is made of. He’s a man that loves his wife and will do anything he can to help her down her path of life.
Thanks.
43 Angel // Jun 6, 2008 at 7:17 pm
(USA) Hello Sisters, It has been just over a month now since the breakup and 5 weeks since we were physically together. Days do get easier, afternoons too. There continues to be no contact. Part of that is hard, yet it does keep the roller coaster of emotions from being so terribly bad. I find myself wondering how he is doing, how they are doing, how long will he be able not to have another female in his life. I was tanning today and had my Faith Hill CD in. The song "Stronger" came on and is about a relationship breakup, but that it was for the best, and she would become stronger because of it and I cried. But the truth is he was never really mine to have. Our stolen moments was a fantasy world of perfection.
He was constantly on the internet, not working like he should have been, looking at porn. I chose to see only the good in him. I’m not so sure he could ever be faithful. I have a man that loves me, that loves God with all his heart, and I need to concentrate on trying to fix us. My heart is not towards my husband like it should be but hopefully that will return. He never knew and he never can know. It would be all over.
Unfortunately I am the product of not having a relationship with my Dad, and that has caused me to be needy emotionally. I wish I had never stepped out of my marriage and never met him. I had no clue going into this that I would ever want anything more than to talk on the net to a man. Please get out of your affairs while you can…ever day, every week month and year you stay in it makes it that much harder to break.
44 Demi // Jun 7, 2008 at 1:19 pm
(USA) Hello y’all….and LT… LT suggested I read some of this from yall and it’s amazing that most if not all the things men have told us, are the exact same. I’ve been crying a lot reading y’alls quotes. I just can’t imagine, NEVER EVER seeing this person again. It’s like death. I just break down!! My girls have left w/their dad. …I moved out 1 year ago this month …and can’t decide if I want to go back to my husband…cuz for the same reasons I’ve read above. …I’m not in-love with him anymore. I care and love him a lot ….but not IN LOVE with him.
My lover "A" took all that away. By the way LT…I’m 44 and he is 31. We met when he was 27. At the time…I was a bit shocked, but then I thought…my grandparents are 13 years apart and made it to their 50th anniversary, so I ignored the age. I’m not trying to toot my own horn y’all, but I don’t look 44 today. I look like I’m in my early 30’s, if not…late twenties. Maybe because I’m so petite. I know this doesn’t justify my affair. But I was smitten from the beginning with A.
I really need a hug and wished someone lived here in the Dallas area. I could use a friend right now. Demi
45 Angel // Jun 8, 2008 at 10:15 am
(USA) Hugs, Hugs, Hugs, Hugs! I so understand! Angel
46 Demi // Jun 9, 2008 at 9:26 am
(USA) Angel, thank you for the hugs. It doesn’t help that "FLO" is in town. But I needed a GOOD cry. I haven’t done that in a long time. But believe me…I’m still hurting very much.
I have a question for y’all…..This person sent many signals and some were: Gay tendencies (like watching gay porn w/his brother-in-law) (gay men checking him out while we were out. He said he get this all the time.
I saw suicide marks on his wrists (due to childhood) but 3 years ago, he was going to counseling and told me he actually had the thoughts again due to what was happening to us….he just couldn’t see straight I guess.
He got fired from his job (where I work) 1st week in Jan. of this year cuz he was watching porn during work. (He was warned in Oct.) but still did it.
Even with all these faults….I tend to ignore them. He had a bad childhood and has 8 STEP bros/sis. His mom was a H*&% and a game-aholic. Gambled her house. Most of his step sis/bros are alcoholics and/or or are low life’s w/no jobs. I’m wondering WHY I would be attracted to a person with this background.
Can someone please try and explain this to me?
47 LT // Jun 9, 2008 at 10:43 am
(USA) Hi Demi, I’m going to write what the Holy Spirit (and one of the things that comes with that, if prayed for, which I have, is discernment) is giving me in terms of what I perceive based on what you have written.
Firstly, ALL the things you write above are complete confirmation of what I wrote to you in my other note to you. I had this insight before I even knew any of the things you’ve just posted about the other man and his emotional problems. I don’t know if you had a chance to read my other comment yet (it’s on the page you originally it posted on). I said in there, based on this man’s lack of respect for you and his wife, he ultimately does not respect himself. In other words, he has no strong self-worth. I don’t say this to put him down or demean him - I don’t believe he even knows it, quite frankly, but that is what ALL those behavior patterns add up to.
FYI….porn addictions usually stem from unfulfilled emotional needs from childhood. They also feed into men not respecting women. Not only are the women objectified in these films but sex itself, a gift from God when used in the proper context, is made into a farce. It’s Satan’s ultimate way of twisting and defacing and defrauding something God made to be beautiful. The thought of porn makes me ill.
I’m going to take another leap here, because God is not currently giving me a clear answer on this, that this man is not a Christian nor is his family. Why were you drawn to him? As I stated in my other post - I believe you were in a state of weakness.
Please keep an open mind as I write further. I do not know you personally so I have no personal ties to the situation or the people involved and therefore I speak as a completely objective party, writing solely in response to the information you give.
Here is what I see - you say you are not "in love" with your husband. Well, again, that is the world’s definition of love and the world’s way of looking at love. Now, I used to fall for that, too. It’s all over in movies and shows but what my walk with Jesus has brought to light to me, is that it’s all wrong. God’s version of love is much different than that of the world’s.
To put it into layman’s terms, God’s version of love is more like what a good parent would do for his/her child. In other words, true, loving parents still love their kids even when they throw fits, do drugs, etc. When the start to do drugs, the parents put their foot down and get help and make a stand, even if it means having their child arrested because it’s the right thing to do. In other words, the world’s version of love is jump out when the heat gets too hot or when the romance goes too cold but that is not God’s way. See I Corinthians 13 for true love according to God.
Another statement I wanted to make to you, based on my observation and deductions of what you write, is that your relationship with Christ right now is very weak. Are you attending a church or do you have Christian friends with whom you can pray and they can pray for you? Is your prayer life strong? I don’t go to conventional church so I’m not going to say if you don’t go to church you’re a bad person, but I believe, through prayer, you need to have God guide you where to, right now, get your spiritual life back on track. When you’re right with God and in tune to God’s voice, everything else falls into place.
Because you’re weak with God right now, Satan is completely praying on you and your weaknesses. The way out is to get stronger with God.
Because of your looking at "love" through the world’s eyes (and I used to do the same thing so I know what it’s like), you’ve succumbed to an affair, you’ve left the husband God gave you, and now your girls live in a broken home and all the hurt and confusion that comes from that. I know it’s too soon to talk about you reconciling with your husband, but, eventually, that has to be addressed. Love perseveres and stands up for what is right (to paraphrase I Corinthians 13). If you’ve moved out and broken up your family for your own selfishness, it’s not what is right.
There are times when one spouse has to leave their home because of abuse, but that is not the case for you. In the case of abuse, leaving is doing the right thing. Therefore it’s supporting what is right out of love. But I do not see that to be the case with you. You left because you aren’t "in love." That’s just not a good enough excuse for God. For God, that’s not an acceptable excuse at all.
Right now, because you are separated, though, I say take this time on your own to get back on track with God. Become stronger in God. Pray and study daily. Fast if you need to. We all fall down, but you receiving advice here, from Godly people, is God’s way of picking you up and putting you back on track just like a loving parent always does when their own child falls down.
I pray for your wounds to heal. I pray for your soul to heal. I pray for your husband, your girls and the other man. May God bless you all and heal all of you. With love, LT
48 Angel // Jun 9, 2008 at 11:32 am
(USA) Perhaps you felt as if you could "fix him" help, and the trade off was it made you felt accepted, needed and valued, just a thought.
Mine was/is taking meds for depression something daily and Zanax for panic disorder. I looked at his kids myspace the other day. It it said things were falling apart.
Today it says a weird guy keeps mumbling and talking to himself- freaky
I’m extremely concerned about his well being right now but I was not the ex girlfriend that emailed his wife ratting him out. I have to just let it go, the best I can, and pray for him, when everything in me prays he does not do anything stupid to himself.
Why was I attracted to him? He took charge, took control, knew what he wanted, and made me feel loved appreciated and valued. "He" was my "fixer" for an absent Dad. Perhaps you were his for an absent Mom.
We are all just hurting grownups with wounded inner kids inside that sees love, approval and acceptance. Oh when will we ever get it through our heads that Jesus is the only one that can be that for us? Huggles, Angel
49 Demi // Jun 9, 2008 at 2:24 pm
(USA) LT and Angel, I am reading every word you both have said. LT….I am not upset or mad or anything with you at all. I agree with you 100%. I have not been turning to God. I have not been attending church. I have actually put him aside because I thought to myself, "why did he put this person in my life for a challenge to set me up to fail?" I never intended to fail….even the first 4 months…I was NOT going to fall into infidelity. But…here I am.
The only reason I told you a little more about him is because there is MORE to the story. It’s just hard to put 4 years on this site. I know he had a bad childhood cuz he told me so…but I looked the other way….thinking he was different and of course.. it’s in the past. He seems wonderful and like I said before, I was smitten from the beginning. He’s now an adult and is making a good life for himself. So…I didn’t think much of his childhood.
I HAVE been looking back and remembering a lot of things and I now truly feel he has been doing this and that I was not his first. When I came back from vacation in January, I didn’t see him like I usually did on the first two Fridays. I play volleyball and asked him NOT to go to the gym on Fridays so I can have at least ONE day at the gym. Then I noticed him behind the curtain staring at me. I didn’t see this in Jan. so…I thought to myself…."I bet he got fired for porn" ….I don’t know LT….but I have those instincts. Lots of things I have thought of him….eventually came to fruition. I also thought to myself with sadness ….this is the break I needed …for him to be no where around me. I also thought maybe God was sending me a sign. I truly did.
LT…I’m not going to lie to you …no reason to ….I’m getting very good help here and I really appreciate it, but I still love him. I WILL get over him …..I WILL. I think I’ve finally found some good advice here and I will continue writing. I just hope y’all do too.
I am starting to put God back into my life. A friend of mine gave me a book called, "A Purpose Driven Life". It’s for 40 days. I read page a day. I am truly going to put him back into my soul. THANK YOU.
I do want to say that I’m proud of where you are at today. You’re my inspiration. And Angel, I think with this support here ….we will get through this. I know I feel good when I read y’alls comments. And I thank YOU for it too. hug hug hug. I know you’re in pain too …but like Santa Claus, the tooth fairy..etc… we as parents ACT as they are real (and WE ARE REAL). So smile, and savor all the special moments with your daughter. Hugs hugs to all the folks on this page.
50 LT // Jun 9, 2008 at 10:22 pm
(USA) Hi Demi, Thanks for the lovely message. I’ve heard very good things about the Purpose Driven Life. Looks like God’s already guiding you to the things you need, including this website and that book.
Yes, you’ll get over the love of the other man. It takes a very long time; I know it did with me. You just have to go one day at a time. I didn’t have a site like this when I was going through that and I certainly wish I did. BUT I know God was with me even then, so I suppose that was meant to be.
I feel that I wandered, even after the affair, a little too much. More than I would have if I’d had good Christian friends to help me. I took too long getting over it and didn’t make the best choices in the process, and part of my motivation in writing is to help others getting out of that situation, to do a better job of healing and repenting than I did. Lots of love, LT
51 Demi // Jun 10, 2008 at 5:05 pm
(USA) LT and All above, Like mentioned b/4, my x-lover was fired this January for looking at porn at work. I do remember telling my sister, "if only he was fired, that would help me". By no means did I mean that. I SERIOUSLY DID NOT!! So with that, my question is: Do you think this was intentional for MY sake? I’m not saying God is bad ….not at all …I’m just focused on me and my needs. I thought of it ….then it happened. I’m not one of those people that can see the future ….but SOMETIMES things do. I do not wish ANYBODY loosing their job. I’m a good person y’all …but I just wonder if that was REALLY a good sign for me.
Today is a better day for me. Last Sat. when I first met y’all, my tears didn’t stop. I’m so very glad I have found you guys cuz with each other’s support, we’ll make it, like LT has.
LT and Angel and everyone, I may not say too many positive things ….but please know, I do pray for y’all and wish you all the best in this experience we have in common.
Please keep the encouragements coming ….I look everyday now …..It’s just amazing that I found people who really care and really want to help ME! And I have never met y’all…..I hope I do one of these days. Hugs to all
52 Demi // Jun 20, 2008 at 2:23 pm
(USA) Hello, It’s me. I haven’t written because I went on vacation. WE (my husband and I) took our girls to Disney World for the week. We all had a great time!!
The reason I’m writing is because the first night, my husband made advances towards sex and I stopped him. I didn’t feel it at all. I haven’t felt like being intimate with him for a while now. As you all know….I moved out 1 year ago. I had absolutely no desire. Please don’t misunderstand me …I love him and care for him very much, but I’m not IN-LOVE with him. I blame myself for this because if I hadn’t been with the other person …I don’t think this would have happened. I invited him to go with us because I knew the girls would love that …and for me ….just to see if I felt ANYTHING intimately for him. We held hands and kissed a few times (just a peck here and there) but that was it. I can honestly say it felt weird.
What should I do? Have I lost it for him ….is it time for me to let it all go? Gosh, unfortunately my mistake made me realize that there was something I was missing. And now…if I tell him….he’s going to provide it. However, if he really wanted to provide intimacy the way I have experienced, he would have done it already. I’ll just stop there. Hope all’s well with y’all…..take care. Demi
53 LT // Jun 22, 2008 at 2:44 pm
(USA) Hi Demi, Thanks for the update. I’m glad you and your family were able to have a nice vacation.
It’s not surprising that you don’t feel anything for your husband because you are still coming off of the high of an affair and trying to forget about someone else. That will still take some time but there are a couple of things I wanted to share with you. Please read again I Corinthians 7, the chapter that talks about marriage and divorce.
It says husbands aren’t supposed to put their wives away and that wives aren’t supposed to seek to be loosed. So - your question was whether or not to give up. Considering your husband doesn’t want to, from your description, the biblical thing to do (as I interpret the scriptures) is to not give up and seek reconciliation.
This ties in with something else you wrote that I wanted to speak about. You said if you told your husband what you needed and what had been missing he’d try to provide that? I find myself stupefied. The fact is you have in a husband what most women would give their eye teeth for. You could actually share these things with your husband and he would not only discuss it with you but then try and work toward it? The reason I’m speechless at that is because my husband grew up with an abusive father. He, to this day, has disorders from that, which literally prevent him from listening to me within the appropriate context. From his perspective, it’s always an attack or accusation from me/on my part. There’s paranoia and types of fear completely unfamiliar to me. There is distrust on his part, toward me, of the most monumental proportion.
I can share things with him but generally am responded to with verbal abuse. Profane names, insults about how I don’t keep house or how he shouldn’t have to help me with things because it isn’t "his job," etc. When it’s not profane personal insults or anger, it’s mind games. Living with an emotionally sick person is so difficult I find myself being the one to want to die some days. I could go on but I won’t.
Am I "in love" with this man? Well I’ll tell you, it’s hard to love someone like that. It’s extremely difficult to do so. But the Bible says I have to. It’s not a matter of convenience, it’s a matter of the fact that I made a commitment in front of God that said I would. It’s really that simple. I try to think on his positive traits but until he’s healed emotionally, I have to keep my guard up and use my head so Satan can’t take advantage of me. When you’re trying to love someone who has put up a wall from childhood trauma, it’s really not possible to love them without boundaries of your own that in another relationship wouldn’t be necessary.
So….I just wanted to share that with you - at least you have a person you can actually talk to and aren’t lambasted or verbally accosted for doing so (it sounds like) and that’s something that not everyone has. In a way I can’t relate to your dilemma.
BUT - I can relate to the desire to have a man want to do the right thing or respond to you without you having to tell him to do so but that isn’t realistic. You should read the articles here on communication and gender differences. A LOT of them talk about how to tell a man something because they will probably never intuit that on their own.
Did you ever give him the chance to though? Did you, before you had an affair, ever tell him there were some things missing? That might have been his opportunity but even if you didn’t, you do have the chance to tell him now.
There is also the bigger picture to consider here that goes beyond what you want. Wouldn’t it be good to teach your girls about love that perseveres and doesn’t give up, even though it’s hard? That would be a godly legacy to give them instead of one of growing up in a broken home and one of giving up when things get too hard in a marriage.
You will need to pray and let God guide you on what to do, when, how to say it and approach it, etc., but with God we never lose. Out of curiosity, have you been reading the Purpose Driven Life? Is that a good book?
Thanks for writing, and I’ll keep you in my prayers!
54 Gloria // Jun 24, 2008 at 7:35 am
(USA) Hello all, I have been reading all of you lovely sisters comments and stories and I thank God for all of you. I am praying for all of you that God strengthens you and give you wisdom and the ability you need to overcome. YOU HAVE THE VICTORY!!!! I say this because I know it to be true. I too had an affair during a separation from my husband and "thought" I was in love with this man because he gave me the attention my husband didn’t.
Know this my dears, men know vulnerable when they see it. They sniff it out and "prey" on it. It’s the enemy searching to and fro seeking whom he may destroy. It’s a lie from the pit of hell. Please my sisters, be strong. I had to encourage myself. I had to look in the mirror and say to myself I’m worth more than this. I needed to gain self-respect because I had very low self esteem. It was hard at first to get him out of my system, but with time I had to look at him as my reason for feeling so bad. His words and his action were no longer appealing to me.
He is a very handsome man and that’s how satan presents them (men) to you. His body was as if it was cut to perfection because he was a body builder and massage therapist. But after a while ALL of that (looks) faded away in my eyes. I had to look at him as being no good for me. I started looking at him as the enemy, but I knew he was being used by him to destroy me. That’s when I began to heal. Thank you Jesus. So stay encouraged my sisters. You too shall overcome and heal. Let go and let God. Let Him continue His work that He has for you. I love you all and remember I am praying with you and for you.
55 Demi // Jun 26, 2008 at 5:43 pm
(USA) Hello again, LT…thank you so much for your response and you too Gloria. I did not talk to my husband about what needs I needed/wanted before my affair. Why? Because I didn’t know there was (what I felt) out there. I had a boyfriend in high school and then I met my husband. I met him at 19 and we married when I was 22. So.. I’ve only been with one man, and yes, I watch TV…but I seriously that it was ACTING. So when I met the other man…I experienced soooooo much more. If I were to tell my husband…(I want you to touch me here or kiss me there) oh my…he would wonder if I’m imagining my lover doing it. This is why I can’t tell him.
Gosh….I know I’m depressed and trying to move on…and I know with God’s guidance…I WILL. I know grass isn’t greener on the other side. I want you to know I appreciate all you say…I’m taking it all in.
Yes LT…you are right…at least he’ll listen to me. I’m sorry for what you go through and I’ll pray for you.
I’m kinda at a loss for words tonight….I do want to say, "A Purpose Driven Life" is a good book. I’m not sticking to it everyday like I should….but I just started it. I’m like on day 5 and I find putting myself in some of what it speaks about. I recommend it. Thank you again…and I’ll continue praying for you all!!
56 Kay // Jun 30, 2008 at 7:12 am
(WALES) Sorry to say this, but you all need to get a grip, married men will say anything to get you enticed. I’ve noticed that people on forums about being the ‘other woman’, start to slag off the wife, etc etc. Try to look at it from a different point of view, if it was you that was being cheated on, how would you feel? Got no sympathy for any of you.
57 Sherry // Jul 1, 2008 at 4:35 pm
(CANADA) Wow… Reading some of these comments have made me feel so much less alone!!! Thank you and God bless all of you… I have been keeping this to myself for months.
I am having an affair with a single man. I am a very happily married woman… believe it or not. I have had the roughest few months of my life dealing with several deaths and illnesses of close family members and this man came into my life just as I was at my breaking point. Being with him has made me feel very sexy and attractive and has renewed my interest in sex, not only with him, but with my husband. I sound like such a horrible person!!
I have only been with him a few times, though we see each other professionally at least once a week. I know I need to stop and have tried to once, but I fell back into his arms after several days. He’s an amazing lover, but so it my husband ….. so why do I want to be with him? I cannot believe that I have let this happen. Please advise.. Thank you… Sherry from Ontario
58 Demi // Jul 1, 2008 at 5:04 pm
(USA) Hi Kay and Sherry, I want to start out by saying to Kay…. I appreciate your comments and what you say is true… if I were the one being cheated on…I don’t know what I would do. What I’ve done is something I’m not proud of Kay. I truly wished I hadn’t given in to him. I’ve not ever experienced this and you say….men will say anything. Well, I have learned that to be true….NOW. But I guess you have to go through the experience to know. Sounds like you have or if not…you must be the wife that was cheated on.
I’m sorry if you are either one because either way….IT HURTS LIKE H***. Thank you for your comments and I know I’ll be able to move on. As for me…I just need someone to lift me up… not throw me under the bus. Again, thank you for your comment.
Sherry, You certainly are not alone… and I really can’t give any advice right now…but I can say…STOP!!! If you don’t wanna loose the love for your husband…..STOP! Because I loved my husband with all my heart. It will be 22 years this month but guess what…my lover took all that away. I love him and care for him dearly, but not intimately. So all I can say is stop. Good luck and stay strong…..I’m trying to.
59 Angel // Jul 4, 2008 at 11:16 am
(USA) It has been almost 9 weeks for me here since the breakup 9 weeks of no contact. I was having what felt like a nervous breakdown in the making. I actually went and got a low dose script if Xanax as all this was affecting my IBS and IBS responds to stress. He pulled me off work for 2 days and told me to take half to a full pill up to 3 times a day. I knew they were addictive so I did the minimum dose just so I could work. I went through a bottle of 30 in 3 weeks and since refilling it back then I have only had 4 of them. This is truly a grieving process we go through. I had a moment right at the 8 week point and took one to get to sleep on Tuesday.
We were duped by the enemy of our souls. He strung the bait and waited. Emotionally we ARE the weaker vessel. When I signed on to an adult dating site when our marriage became strained, I opened a door and he took me up on it. I cannot imagine substance withdrawal being worse than this. The longer you stay in the relationship the harder it is to get out of.
My husband does not know and it’s going to stay that way. I am trying to reestablish feelings for him all over again… feelings I let J take that were not his to have. I am trying to pursue and chase after Jesus as the lover of my soul. No man could do for me what he did.
After being married just under 25 years and only being with my husband, I gave it all away. Then J would go so many weeks without calling and I would find someone else… then he’d call again. When I look at the craziness of things I did, I have a very hard time either trusting or forgiving myself. I did go out one time in this whole 9 week thing and tried to medicate my pain sexually and I felt afterward Jesus just waited and asked "well, did that help?" and of course it did not my actions just made me feel worse
I have been a Christian since 14 or so and a spirit filled one since age 16. My husband was my only person I had been with… I did not sleep around in school; I knew better. I cannot change what happened I just need to use it to try to help others. Please ladies stop now while you can. Don’t let this cause you to go from bed to bed looking for what only Jesus can give you.
I found a video and listed to the words close. I had always thought it was being sung by the wife… but in listening carefully to the beginning it was sung from the MISTRESS who finally got a grip and realized she could do better.
It is "Stay" by Sugarland and is available on You Tube. In the first few verses she says
"It’s just another call from home/And you’ll get it and be gone" Would the "other woman" being calling from his home while he’s out sleeping around with the "wife"? I heard when they did the video she just began crying and they told her to go on and let it happened. She has obviously lived this. Angel
A link to it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIyxkZod2cM
60 Angel // Jul 4, 2008 at 6:43 pm
(U.S.A.) I found this story about the video and thought it was interesting. From an interview with Jennifer Nettles:
"The inspiration for it was, I heard Reba McEntire’s ‘Whoever’s in New England,’ and I thought, ‘What a great song.’" Jennifer says. "I really liked the story of it. At the same time, it’s a story that you hear a lot — the jilted lover, the one who has been cheated on. I thought, ‘You know, in that situation, there are three people hurting. Ain’t nobody really happy. What if you were bold enough to tell the story of that other woman, and what she feels like in loving someone that is not fully hers either and knowing that there’s another woman that’s hurting because she’s in the picture?’ That’s complex, adult stuff. Ultimately, it’s about the redemption of loving oneself enough to realize, ‘I am worth more than this situation. We’re all worth more than this situation, really.’"
61 Demi // Jul 5, 2008 at 11:25 am
(USA) WOW…..just WOW!!!! This really hits. However, I agree with you. We ARE worth more than this.
62 Angel // Jul 6, 2008 at 8:03 pm
(USA) A trap and I fell in… I googled his old email name. It went to a "Jewish dating site" he’s not Jewish. He knows I am PC savvy. I found his name there with his little motto under it. The site does not send you an email on your PC that you have mail unless you ask. I think he has been a member there about 3 weeks. I joined for free and sent a wink. I did it before I realized it. What the heck did I just do? I just have to know though.
63 G.D // Jul 7, 2008 at 2:05 am
(USA) Angel, I certainly hope that your profile does not have any information that would make him realize it was you sending the wink. Assuming not, then just do not reply to any response of his.
I understand the addiction…. but you have to realize how strongly you are devaluing yourself by engaging in this kind of behavior? Don’t you know that you deserve better than this? What are you trying to achieve by engaging in this kind of behavior…. checking him online, etc? It’s totally destructive behavior. If you were to die tomorrow, would you want this kind of behavior to be your life legacy, and the way people remember you? If you have children, do you want them copying your destructive behaviors? Would you want your daughters to grow up chasing unavailable men around, and your sons to think that disrespecting women and having affairs is normal????
I would also suggest that you reflect on your addictive behavior. We only have 1 life to life…. I don’t want my life to be defined by affairs or groveling after some guy. It’s beneath my dignity. Although I’ve not had an affair with a married person, back when I was a teenager I used to be so clingy to a guy I liked…. he’d curse at me, and still I’d cling to him. It’s embarrassing looking back.
One audio-book I listened to back then was "10 Stupid Things Women do To Mess Up their Lives" by Dr. Laura. It helped me to realize how foolish I was behaving and gave me the strength to change course… every time I was feeling desperate, I’d listen to that audio-book, and it gave me the strength to hold out another day… which became another day… and another, etc. And soon I became strong enough where I stopped caring altogether.
You can get through this as well. The fact that you’ve held out 9 weeks shows that you are strong enough to get through this. You probably need to look even further at WHY you would choose to degrade yourself in this way. Do you not love or respect yourself enough to do the right thing? Do you not think that you DESERVE to be able to hold your head up high, and be respected like a woman… rather than groveling at some guy’s feet? I know it’s hard now, but a few years from now when you look back…. you’ll be wondering what you were ever thinking by behaving this way. I know I look back at my teenage years and wished I respected and loved myself a whole lot more then.
If he would know from your profile that it’s you winking at him…. then here is what I suggest. Create a new email address, and send all your contacts (NOT including him) an email saying that your address has changed. Use the new email address instead, and delete the old one…. so that you don’t have to go through the whole emotional distress if he should reply to your wink. Since you are still in a vulnerable phase, you need to take precautions so that you don’t fall into the same trap again. If that means putting an internet filter on your computer so which only allow you to check your (new) email or whatever sites you use for work etc…. and blocks all other sites…. then do this. It may sound extreme, but you need to take steps against all this.
Do whatever it takes to get away from all this. Find out if you can block his number from your phones…the phone company can do this. You need to ask yourself if you really do want to get over this or not…. because from your behavior it sounds like you are doing this out of guilt, rather than because you really want to have a good relationship with your spouse. I think it’s time to start living ethically and in a way you can be proud of yourself for. I think you should tell your husband about the affair…. even if he breaks up with you. He deserves to break off the marriage with a woman who is unfaithful to him. He deserves to be with a spouse who is loyal to him. But I think taking responsibility for your behavior and accepting the consequences (no matter how awful they may be) is better than living a lie.
I don’t want to sound unsympathetic. I know it’s hard to break love addictions. I recently became very good friends with a man who is separated (his wife cheated on him, though he was faithful to her). The first time she cheated on him, he stuck by her, and the second time it happened…. he still stuck by her until she left him. Even though I’m single and he and I seem very compatible, we agreed that we would just be friends until his divorced is finalized (which could take over a year). Even though his wife was the one who cheated on him and left him– we still wanted to do the right thing. However, I started finding myself developing feelings for him, and from his behavior, I started thinking that he was feeling the same about me. Although we are clearly not going to be physically intimate, we still think that getting emotionally involved is wrong as well…. since he isn’t yet divorced.
So once I started finding myself being interested in him as more than a friend, I had to contact him and tell him that I need to put our friendship on hold and not talk to him for the next several months until I get myself back in balance to be able to relate to him as just a friend. I think this will be very good for us. Since I am single, I am also meeting other men, so that I’m not hung up on him. Even though I think he and I are extremely compatible, and are very likely to get together someday (once his divorce is finalized), I just can’t think about that much right now. He needs time to settle his marriage and heal from it.
Even though he says he’s not going to go back to his ex (after she cheated on him twice and abused him and she got addicted to drugs), I still need to keep that option open that it could (potentially) happen. And if he does go back to his ex (as she’s trying to improve herself), then I just need to be happy for him. Even though I’m the one who told him that I’ll get back to him towards the end of the year, it still is hard. After getting calls from him 3-4 times per week before…. and then going several weeks without talking…. it’s really hard. I miss him already, but I know that if he and I are ever to have a relationship someday,… that we need to have good karma by doing the right thing now.
If he can’t stay away from me now, then I wouldn’t trust him if we were married and get separated… because I’d wonder if he would be out meeting other women. So we’re just going to hang in there, and I look forward to having him in my life as my friend (or possibly more) in the future. It’s hard to not talk to someone who I really enjoy being with, but you gotta do the right thing.
I admired your strength for hanging in there 9 weeks without contact, that must have taken a lot of courage. So please be very careful of falling back on this path again.
64 Angel // Jul 7, 2008 at 5:44 am
(USA) OK Its morning and I am emotionally in a good place. I am not going to screw up close to 10 weeks of recovery.
I’m not looking for a relationship…just answers. Too much to explain right at the moment. You would have to go back to about May 15th and read a few. I seriously feel I have moved past the relationship. I did not go through 10 weeks of work to become an obsessive school girl again and that’s not what I want nor what I need. I just want some answers that I never got and I honestly want to complete closure. I am not going to go through all this again mentally and physically I know that he and I can never be. I am even feeling that pretty strongly this morning. I just want answers. The break off was too sudden.
65 Angel // Jul 7, 2008 at 10:05 am
(USA) Thank you for your comments. However my husband can NEVER learn about this man and I mean never. He does not need to and yes, it would end my marriage. He did have a hand in my acting out back in November of 06 by his "activities"or I would never have done it to start with. You do not know my background with him. There’s no STD’s we are dealing with and dumping all this on him is just wrong.
This was on a dating site I found him the other day, not email. I also logged off logged back in with his name and the password we shared and it worked. He had set it up obviously then for me to find. There was no activity there whatsoever from him or to him from anyone. I would like a few answers but I know we can never be together though. I have accepted that. He is not calling, texting or emailing me. He is doing this to keep his children. I would fight for mine as well.
Originally when I met him he was separated… she walked out abandoning him and the children twice for extended periods. She’s far from being a saint in all this, and technically he was single when he met me. When the kids are gone he will leave her. But I am not waiting on that and have to put it out of my mind and believe God will re-cultivate our marriage.
You said I am staying with hubby out of guilt and breaking off with him out of guilt…maybe. But I am trying to do what’s right. J took 90% of the love I had out of this 27 year marriage and I am trying to reconnect with hubby again simply because its the right thing to do. Oddly enough the last few days I had been feeling closer to him. And he can never know.
66 LT // Jul 7, 2008 at 12:59 pm
(USA) HI Angel and GD (and Kay) - I wanted to suggest to you, Angel, try (for a while) to go to God for the answers to whatever questions you are looking for. It’s normal to have a LOT of unanswered questions but I’m VERY worried at the way you are searching to have them answered…..try this method - get closer to God and dig into the Word. Make your relationship with Him very strong and close - I’ll bet you find all the answers you are looking for, it’s just not going to be the way you think. Right now you are following your flesh to another person’s flesh and until you spiritual life becomes more mature and flourishes, this is normal, but try the other way. It’s NOT a good thing to be going to J to get answers. Cut off the communication. God will give you the answers you need, in a way you never thought possible.
To GD, I appreciate the time you took to answer Angel. Here is my impression - considering the fact that you haven’t been through an affair, I’m wondering why you would be responding to her. I appreciate the time and sentiment, but the only way you can help someone having not been through the same thing, is to offer support and encouragement. In reading your response, it seemed more dripping with condescension than encouragement. I found your point of view disheartening, similar to the recent response of Kay. If you’re not coming to help people by lifting them up, then what you’re doing is tearing them down.
Looking down your nose at Angel (And Kay did so in a much harsher way than you did) by saying things like, "Don’t you have more respect for yourself, etc." or "I have no sympathy for you," is not healthy or uplifting.
Jesus had sympathy for the Pharisees and Jews who killed him! If He can have sympathy for humans like that, how, then, can we not offer the same and still have the nerve to call ourselves Christians?
GD - let me be blunt. If the women writing comments and going through the addiction-breaking process of trying to overcome affairs had enough self-assurance, self-respect and emotional health in their life to begin with, they wouldn’t have fallen into Satan’s lair to begin with. GD - no, she DOESN’T have enough self-assurance. You are stating the obvious, but what bothers me is that you are doing so in a condescending way that tears down, not builds up.
Additionally, your answer isn’t even correct. It’s not a matter of having enough self-respect or what Dr. Laura says, it’s a matter of having a relationship with Christ and having all the fruits and gifts that come from that.
1 Thessalonians 5:14 says: Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feeble-minded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.
It says to help the weak and comfort them, not kick them when they are down.
Your trying to relate to what Angel is going through is like a professional quarterback trying to relate to a paraplegic. How is that possible? How can the quarterback possibly know what it’s like to be in a wheelchair with no feelings in his/her arms or legs. The answer is simple - he can’t.
I believe if you are going to try and relate to the people writing on this page, who have been through affairs, a situation you yourself have never experienced, you should help them in a way of sympathy and love, not looking down on them. Kay, I extend the same suggestion to you.
God wants His people to help one another out of love. If you can only comment through fleshly eyes, then your comments are no different than that which anyone can get from the world and we are to be called out of the world. John 15:19
It’s quite clear anyone falling for the trap and sin of an affair has serious problems in their lives and something is missing (even if they don’t realize it). Satan sees everything we do and think, just as God does. Satan knows exactly where our weak points are and preys on them.
Ephesians 6:12
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Kay and GD, if you haven’t had an affair - instead of telling those of us who have how pitiful we are, be grateful to God. It is only by the grace of God you haven’t, not because you are better than us or because you somehow have some higher sense of self-respect. That is worldly wisdom and taking credit where credit is due to God, not you. And careful where you tread - if Satan saw the weaknesses in those of us who have had affairs, he can see yours, too, and will pray upon them as well.
There but for the grace of God go any of us. If Satan preys upon the weaknesses of the two of you and you reach out for help - wouldn’t you want more than just a comment of "I have no pity for you," or "just have more respect for yourself."
Please respond to people on this website through the guidance of the Holy Spirit in you, not out of fleshly eyes and ears. Fleshly eyes and ears are what get people into sin traps to begin with and it is what this earthly world is made of. We don’t need more worldly or fleshly wisdom. What we need is more of God’s love and more who can speak by the power of the Holy Spirit in them. May God bless you all.
67 Angel // Jul 7, 2008 at 6:54 pm
(USA) Thank you LT for showing Jesus to me. Jesus always dealt with sin yet He did it with grace and compassion, always lifting up the broken. I so see Jesus in You.
I used to read the story of the prodigal and I had no compassion for him whatsoever. I actually was quite ticked that God could extend so much grace and mercy to him as if it had never happened. I joined the other brother at being angry with the backslider as well as being angry at the Father’s reaction. "I" had always been the good one in my family "I" had always been faithful to God, and my parents and everyone else. In my pride I had no patience with people with addictions.
My own grandmother was unfaithful numerous times and because of it had children by several men causing my Mother and all her brothers and sisters to have to go to orphanages. Our family is spread out all over and for a long time I was VERY angry at my grandmother for that. (Dad’s side had a several decade affair so we obviously have a generation curse going on here to and I WILL be the one to break it in Jesus name.)
I also had brothers with addictions and my husband’s brother had a gambling addiction. I so did not understand him. I understand addiction now. I know what it feels like. I know what it feels like to curl up in your own bed and feel like a piece of trash and be ashamed. I also know what it feels like to hear Jesus say "Well, did that help?" oh so tenderly to me.
I answered "No it did not… Jesus help me I don’t want to do this anymore" and I repented and felt Him touch me. I have kept my praise music on and been reading the God Chaser devotional and I have felt Him very close to me the last several days. I took communion Sunday for the first time in a long time guilt free and went to church excited about meeting God.
The last several days I also had a few attacks come my way through email and I’m that I blocked and was happy with my progress. At some point I googled that name and the train tried to go off the track. I see this. I also know becoming a God chaser is the only way out. I even had an opportunity to minister to a friend online going through this with compassion yet firmness. I will have victory and for every second the devil has had me ensnared I plan on causing him and his kingdom a whole lot of grief.
I was never close to my Dad. I know that plays big. I also know I fear intimacy but yet I yearn for it …I have intimacy issues. It carries over in my friendships marriage and relationship with God.
God Bless you LT
For Christians who just don’t get it, here is a good video for you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhOJW4Uwy3c
68 G.D // Jul 7, 2008 at 8:15 pm
(USA) I was in no way or form ‘kicking anyone while they are down’. I do have compassion for her predicament, as I myself have recently struggled with being close to a man who is separated. However, even though all of us may have had past traumas (childhood abuse, etc etc), at some point we have to say "You know what…. regardless of what I’ve been through, I still have to live ethically, and I can’t blame my past for my present behavior." It’s called showing tough love to oneself and holding oneself to high standards. If I simply come up with excuses, saying to myself "It’s understandable to have an affair with a married man, because I was abandoned as a child… etc"… then that doesn’t help me or anyone. While I would be wallowing in my own selfishness, my spouse and children would be getting destroyed (and I would have no right to inflict that kind of pain on them) just because I was too immature to not respect mine and my lover’s sacred marriage covenant.
I have seen friends whose lives have been turned upside down my their spouse’s infidelity… and when you see that personally, it is so unfathomable about how their spouses could have been so terribly cruel and heartless to do that kind of thing. Although I’ve never had sexual relations with a married man doesn’t mean that I am someone unqualified to understand that this kind of behavior is not acceptable, and we all need to hold ourselves to high standards against that kind of behavior. Comments like "my spouse pushed me to have an affair" show the person is still in victim mode and has not yet taken responsibility for her own actions.
I am not being condescending, I am simply being real. Just because I am being hard does not mean that I don’t realize that I have made many, many mistakes in my life. However, what helped me change myself was not people giving me sympathy, but rather people showing me tough love– THAT is what made me change my ways. If you all are simply looking for sympathy, I am not going to waste my time on this thread. I simply hope that for all the time I spent on the last post, it can be read by someone SERIOUS about changing their lives, who is willing to tone down their ego in order to self-reflect and examine their own contributions to relationship problems.
My comments about developing respect and love for oneself are realistic comments, because that is the heart of the matter– why people are having affairs. I want to be real, and don’t see the need of walking on eggshells just to protect people’s feelings… this forum is for advice and assistance (not to make friends), is it not? Blaming or criticizing me from being real with you doesn’t help you at all… it is simply another way to deflect the focus from yourselves.. after all, what benefit do I have to get from providing free advice and spending my time posting here? If people here are still blaming their spouses for their affairs, then obviously they haven’t made the connection yet to take responsibility for themselves. Just because God forgives doesn’t mean that we don’t need to do the inner work to create lasting change in our lives. Good luck to you all.
69 Marie // Jul 8, 2008 at 8:35 am
(USA) LT! You’re a wonderful peacemaker. I truly value your presence on this blog. You are a blessing to us all.
I often feel so hypocritical … trying to walk in the light and abide in Jesus, sing praise songs, pray, go to church… and yet this dark side rears it’s ugly head. Some days I have victory. Looking into the innocent eyes of my children, God visually and emotionally shows me the path I have committed to. And the sweet blessings He has entrusted me with. As I began my total separation in earnest and with my whole heart, He blessed my husband’s work. And blessed me with a new opportunity too!
So, how can I listen to love songs and be thinking about someone other than my husband? I know that with the A, it is nothing but an illusion. A fantasy that is completely unrealistic and impossible. Yet I want "the best of both worlds".
70 LT // Jul 8, 2008 at 10:06 am
(USA) Hi everyone - thanks for all your comments!
GD, I don’t know how far back in the thread you read. I’m sorry you got the impression I was trying to deflect away from myself. In case you haven’t read through a lot of the thread on this page (it’s a LOT to read through) - my affair was 10 years ago. I’ve been forgiven and moved on literally a decade ago. I don’t have a need to deflect the attention away from myself because I’m no longer caught in that sin.
You suggest to make a lasting change in one’s self. That’s what happened in my life but only because I followed God and let Him guide me to making that change. In my own flesh, I would have never made it. I couldn’t. Another thing in one of my posts here was how the guilt of the affair eventually led me to attempt suicide (I didn’t have a website like this to go to). It’s only because of God that I’m here and alive and have overcome.
I don’t use my husband’s physical and emotional abuse of me (which went on for more than a decade) as an excuse (but since I, too, think it’s good to be realistic I’d be silly in saying that didn’t have a role in my wanting to look outside the marriage). Eventually I left physically - I’d found someone else and was tired of getting smacked around by my husband anyway. God brought me back to my marriage, not me. I didn’t want to be there.
But the reason I wrote what I did to you is that if it were 10 years ago and I was still trying to overcome and I read things like what you wrote, that would just make my already large and present guilt even larger.
I don’t think anyone here is deflecting - if they wanted to defend their affairs they wouldn’t be posting here and asking for help to begin with. I don’t always walk on eggshells either but at times it is necessary. Until someone is stronger, you might consider that the "bull in the china shop" approach has a time and place. There’s a time and place for forthrightness (and I felt the place for that was in response to your post to Angel) and then there’s a time for delicacy and sensitive love. Jesus shows both.
The harsh approach should be reserved for those who think they have no sin, even though they clearly do. Those who have already recognized their sin and come clean with it are in a humbled state - there does not need to be any harshness in that type of situation (which is where the women who write here are in).
GD - Do you believe in God or have a relationship with Christ? You don’t mention God in your posts or mention scriptures either. I’m not trying to offend you with the question but I do ask it because you seem to imply you found all your ethical values on your own and without God so I wonder. This is a Christian website and I’m a believer so I always and prayerfully attempt to follow what I believe the Holy Spirit is leading me to do and say, in my personal life and when I post on this website. The big thing about Christianity is recognizing that without God, we can’t do anything. If you don’t feel God led you to the moral values you live by, then this probably isn’t the website for you.
I’m sorry you don’t get any benefit from posting here (like you mentioned). I find tremendous benefit in trying to help the people here in whatever way I can. I think it’s a gift that God has given me (the gift of helps) for which I’m always grateful every time I can help someone here. If you were talking about monetary benefits - no one here is paid to comment that I know of. We do it for love of each other and love of God and that’s a benefit all to itself.
God bless you all and I keep you all in my prayers. Thanks for all your posts and updates!
71 Lynn // Jul 10, 2008 at 8:10 pm
(USA) Glad I found this blog tonight. It’s been one day since the man in this affair has contacted me… it’s been a long long day for me today. We started this almost three years ago and there have been plenty of ups and downs. I have been married almost 25 years and not ready to divorce yet… maybe in a year or so…he has filed and is soon ready to be single.
He is confused… he has been upset with me for talking to some other male friends, esp one from my childhood…
He had sex with me yesterday at his house (where he lives alone) and then decided today no talking from here on in… won’t communicate… I am at a loss here..
Does everyone think it’s finally just time to dump it all? Cut loose and let it be over? If it’s meant to be maybe it will be back later??? It’s going to be a long while to get back from this love… or addiction… whatever it is…
72 Christine // Jul 13, 2008 at 5:09 am
(UNITED STATES) Hello, Everyone I have been reading everyone’s comments and stories and it has touched me and I thought I would get some advice from the outside.Meaning no family or close friends to tell me the right or the wrong.
I since I was 14 years old I started dating a guy who was 18 years old a family friend of my cousins. I am now 28 and he is 32 and we have three children and have been married going on 6 years. I just started working and going back to school for my criminal justice degree, I was working at the sheriffs department as a Corrections Officer. I met a kid there who is 25 and just got out of the army. It felt like I have known him all my life, I had that feeling with him that I got when I met my husband. All my life I have devoted my time and energy into my life with him and my kids because this is how I was taught. I never worked, I stayed home raising our children and trying to be a loving wife while he worked. As times got tough for us and money just was not there I knew I had to do something. Not only that, but my 9 year old daughter looked at me and asked why I did not work like daddy and why I stayed home looking sad all the time. I knew that I could not teach my kids to live like this, that I had to do something so I did, and that is when I went back to school and got a job.
Back to meeting this guy. He has a wonderful family, he has a daughter who is 6 and just got a divorce from his wife which he has been trying to do for the past 3 years. Why, am I having these feelings for him, why is it I would spend time with him then my husband? Is this my true soul mate or am I just lacking something in my marriage, which let me tell you, has been rocky and all I do is just keep picking up the pieces. My husband has hit me several times, we went through a bankruptcy due to him getting on a four wheeler and getting in a bad accident and where was I at home raising the kids while he was playing.
Am I tired of this with him, is this why I have looked elsewhere? I don’t know. So we have been separated now for three months. I am living with my grandparents and he has a house and says he has changed. I have started seeing this guy I met, and my husband found out and is furious. Why is he mad, when we were together he never cared about my feelings and now all of a sudden he sees me happy and he is flipping out? He doesn’t want the kids around him, which I understand. I do agree that the children do not need to be around another man or woman for at least a year until we all get settled. It is not right for the kids.
I am very religious and I have often thought that once you marry it is till death do you part, in sickness and health. SO what happened? I need some advice. Thank you all.
73 Rebecca // Jul 15, 2008 at 10:08 am
(USA) I have received such insight from this thread. I found it through another thread, blogging with Cindy Wright, "Getting Unhooked from an Emotional Affair." I am "recovering" from an emotional affair, a fantasy, if you will. I have been married for 15 years and love my husband and Jesus very much. I "fell in love" with a man at my job. Only through daily devotions and going to church and praying constantly have I kept from going all the way.
My big question has been and is–WHY? Why did this happen? Why would I have these feelings for another man? How could I have allowed my mind to get into this mess? In my search for answers, I ran onto a summary from Dr. Willard Harley’s book, His Needs Her Needs. The five basic needs of a woman are: 1. affection, 2.conversation, 3. honesty and openness, 4. financial commitment, and 5. family commitment. I saw that my dear husband, who is disabled, only supplies about 2 of these at best, and at times not even that! I’m not using that as an excuse. I have come to grips with my sin and with God’s help, I am on my way out, but it causes me to fear for the future, because I still will have to constantly deal with my unmet needs. I know that the Bible says that God has not given us a spirit of fear, and moment by moment I am trying to lean on Him and His never failing grace. But it really has helped to express myself on these threads, as I have been bearing this nasty secret for months all by myself.
Another thing that I totally do not understand is how sexual chemistry works. I have been working around men all my life, and had never had this experience before. The chemistry is so strong with this man, that I get "turned on" from across the room with just a glance. Why does this happen and how can I keep it from repeating itself in the future.
As I search the "why" question, I have felt in the last few days, that perhaps God let me go through this terrible test to bring me down off my self-righteous high horse. I have never had any comprehension or compassion for addictions or sexual sin before. I always just said, "How could they do that?" and "Why don’t they just stop?" and other such condemning, condescending epithets. Thank God, now I will have an idea what it’s all about. Part of you hates what your doing and thinking, and the other part wants to do it so bad you don’t care about anything else. It’s a raging war and sometimes you loose a battle along the way and then the guilt and shame and self-hatred about drives you over the edge. Thanks for letting me vent.
74 Marie // Jul 15, 2008 at 7:27 pm
(USA) Rebecca, I am so glad that you have shared your feelings. I have fallen for a man at work also. I did go "all the way" and I have been on an emotional roller coaster between a sexual high and overwhelming guilt. My husband is a wonderful man. This has nothing to do with him.
I just have had the most stressful months of my life dealing with serious illnesses and deaths of family members which I loved very dearly. This man at work helped me escape my situation for a short time. I feel I need to end this, but I cannot tell anyone and I feel so alone and that I need to handle this on my own. I feel so weak sometimes…..
Rebecca, I understand your need to vent. Please keep us updated. I will keep all of you in my prayers. Does anyone out there have any advice how to stay strong when deciding to end an affair?
75 Rebecca // Jul 16, 2008 at 9:52 am
(USA) Good morning, Marie, and everybody else. Thanks for posting a reply. The worst part about all of this is the loneliness and not being able to talk to anyone, so this forum really helps. As you said, Marie, this has nothing to do with my husband, either, even if he is unable to meet all my needs, he is a great person and we have always had a great relationship. The best part about him is his ability to listen and encourage me to tell him about my day, my work, what’s bugging me, etc. I never thought I would have a problem like this because I had a great marriage and a close relationship with God. But this monster of infatuation, or whatever it may be, is powerful. It’s bigger than me. It makes me feel helpless and out of control.
Even though it has been 3 weeks since I faced up to my sin and made a firm choice to have nothing more to do with the other man, the thoughts and fantasies keep coming like junk e-mail on a computer w/o a filter. The one and only thing that has gotten me through this is God’s word. Only when I am bathing myself in the Word, whether it be through private devotions, church services, Christian music, etc., can I see clearly. You have to kind of soak yourself in His Word, let the waves roll gently over you and just stay there and absorb it. I read a chapter slowly and search for something applicable to my situation and God never fails me. When He gives me a line or a verse, I just stay there and re-read it and ponder it and go back the next day and claim the promises and ask God to help me to think His thoughts and have His mind. Micah 7:8-10 has given me great hope. Isaiah 50 is so rich, especially v. 10. God has also spoken to me from Colossians 3. Try reading it online from different translations, especially The Message.
I like what one person said earlier in this thread about changing your way of thinking regarding the other man–that this is the enemy, the one who has caused all the upheaval and depression and evil thoughts. I’m asking God to help me to see it this way. Although the reasonable part of me already knows that is true, the other part says that it is foolish to renounce the only person who makes you feel beautiful and attractive and wants to be with you. I hate this confusion and war, but by God’s help, the right will triumph and the wrong will be defeated in my life and thoughts.
Just one more thing I want to share–I was in Mexico 2 1/2 weeks ago and went to a little rustic country church made of block with a tin roof. The minister preached a message just for me, "Will you get in or will you get out?" I went forward at the end and a lady minister whom I don’t know, nor does she know me, was praying for people. She came up to me and said, "God is going restore what the Devil and stolen from you. What you are going through right now has a purpose. You are to use it to minister to other women in the future." I was overwhelmed. Now I’m asking you all to pray that I will indeed use this experience to help other women. God bless.
76 Marie // Jul 16, 2008 at 10:24 pm
(USA) Rebecca, your reply brought me to tears. You seem to understand the struggle inside of me in such detail. I will turn to God and read the Bible verses you suggested. I feel less alone already. Thank you and I can testify that you have truly ministered to me. God bless you! I will pray for you! Marie
77 Marie // Jul 17, 2008 at 6:45 am
(US) Rebecca, you are truly ministering to me. I feel less alone and stronger. I cannot unload this to my husband or my friends. I have no siblings and no one
that I can unburden my feelings to… Thank you, Rebecca. God bless you for your show of compassion. I will be holding on to it in the weeks to come.
The man that I am involved with is single and my direct supervisor at work. As I mentioned earlier, this had been the most difficult year of my life and I met him just as I was entering a whirlwind of one trail after another after another. I spent more time with him than my husband and he was there for me to dry up the
tears or say encouraging words and even make me laugh when I thought that was impossible.
We became intimate about six months ago. I actually made the first move. The guilt was so immense at first. Many weeks passed and I became intimate with him
again. This time the guilt was less intense. I rationalized that this had nothing to do with my husband or children and that this other man was just helping me get
through a difficult time with the loss of both my parents. Such a fool I am! I have been intimate with him about a dozen times. The most recent time being a week ago.
I cannot explain why, but I feel a strong urge that now is the time to end this. I felt it was the right thing to do was to end it before, but I always fell right back
into his arms. I really need to end this for good this time. We do not call or email. We just have contact at work and after work, when everyone else has left. I cannot quit my job yet. I need the strength to end this even though I see him at least twice a week. Any thoughts or suggestions? God bless you all!!
78 Demi // Jul 17, 2008 at 3:18 pm
(USA) Hello everyone. As I read on for strength… I see we are all in the same situation but different circumstances. As for me, I have let go of my lover on Nov. 2, 2007. He has txt me, called me and IMed me. Of course on those special days like New years, Valentines day, our 4th year anniversary, and my b-day, I just couldn’t take it. It’s been very hard but I’m doing it. I have a sister that just left today for Germany for the next 4 years. Besides talking to y’all, she is my very VERY best friend in the world. Last month we had over 1700 minutes on our cells, if that tells you something. Now that she is gone….the time difference is 8/9 hours and we will not be able to talk near as much.
With what I am going through, it’s gonna really get hard again for me. We have to build each other up here on this website. I know the other man is NOT a good choice for me for MANY reasons just like y’all. We must stay strong for each other and ourselves. I miss him dearly and would just die if he were to show up at my front door. I probably would fall into his arms again. (Good thing he doesn’t know this.)
I just want to say ladies, let’s be strong together, pray for one another, and I know God will give us strength to heal from these feelings we have hidden inside of us and move on to a better life. (Thanks to LT for being here and always responding to me when I needed it the most.) I certainly do not feel ignored here and will continue to write. I do read everyday…but just cant seem to always respond.
My prayers are with all of you…..Demi.
79 LT // Jul 17, 2008 at 6:35 pm
(USA) Hi Demi, Thanks for the update. Keep getting into God’s word as well as any other Christian materials you feel that God is leading you to for knowledge. I’m glad you have this website and please post anytime for updates or if you need some Christians to lean on.
Perhaps you and your sister can communicate online through messenger software. I know MSN messenger has capability for audio talk and it’s probably much cheaper that way than a phone call. The up side is maybe you can visit her now and again! Europe is great! Also - as more time goes by and your spiritual life grows stronger, you will find yourself resorting to the "old ways" and thoughts less and less.
For anyone reading this and struggling to control the thoughts (fantasies, etc.), go to God in prayer and read the word each time your mind wants to go there. It’s a matter of taking your thoughts captive. You have to unlearn the bad habits and learn the new habit of not allowing your mind to have those thoughts. It’s like denying yourself the chocolate cake you know you shouldn’t have if you’re a diabetic or the drink you shouldn’t have if you’re an alcoholic.
FYI….I had struggles for a long time (even after my physical affair) of wanting to indulge in the emotional fantasy type of thoughts but through my spiritual life getting so much stronger in the last couple of years. I rarely find myself thinking that way and on the rare occasions a thought like that might enter my brain - I actually don’t even find the appeal in it anymore! Quite a change from years ago. Praise God! With love, LT
80 Angel // Jul 20, 2008 at 6:09 pm
(USA) I think I am definitely making progress. The other day after spending a day at the beach I walked in my home looked at my husband and thought "that’s a cute guy" "that’s MY guy" and "I love him". I just remembered thinking how much I appreciated him and how incredibly hot he was. I was quite taken aback by this! I really felt and appreciation for him, my older kids and my home. I have found myself wanting t spend more time with him and less on the computer.
While tanning everyday like I do, today I had my favorite country CD in. As she sang the music the songs that use to remind me of J, I found my thoughts associating them with hubby and Jesus. Actually when I thought about J I almost found myself irritated with him.
Now if he were to call me and want me to come, I am not so sure I am at the point I could resist that. But the yearning for me to make contact with him is definitely not there whatsoever. I am also finding myself angry that I allowed him to take 18 months out of my life that I could have been investing in my husband and family. I had taken a church trip overseas with a ministry and had missed my kids and J so much I was heart broke. When I think of that now it angers me I allowed it.
Sisters, press in and don’t give up. It has been since May 6th that I have seen him and you most certainly can do this and heal. I love you all. God bless you LT for not smacking me while I was down and helping me.
My relationship with God is also returning and I don’t have to run and hide in shame now. God is my Daddy and He loves me! He loves ME even though I did not fulfill my end of the bargain and was a "Gomer" He bought me back! His love is amazing. I just want my Daddy God to be proud of His baby girl…..THAT’S all that matters. I feel like the Grinch must have when his heart grew 3 sizes. Huggles, Angel
81 Marie // Jul 21, 2008 at 6:13 am
(USA) Angel, I am so proud of you!!! I am sure I speak for many of us when I say that. I will use your story of strength to get inspired. I guess I need to realize that ending an affair may be a process, but it can be done…and shame will begin to fade and joy will begin to reappear. Thank you for sharing your victory with us.
Take care, may blessings continue to come your way! Marie
82 Demi // Jul 22, 2008 at 5:49 pm
(USA) To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, He’s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence….. ‘The will
Of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.’
I received this from a family member. I thought I’d share. Enjoy.
83 Nicole // Jul 22, 2008 at 7:37 pm
(US) Hi Ladies: It seems I spend a lot of time these days reading everything I can get my hands on on this topic. I can’t say that I’m a particularly devout Christian, but some of the most helpful and centering information I’ve found has been on website such as these, so thank you.
At the moment, I am actually the wife who is being cheated on. Frankly any one of you could be the "other woman" because the stories all sound very much alike. My husband has been seeing this woman for about 2 and a half years; I think primarily the attachment is emotional but I’m not dumb enough to think there’s no physical aspect to it. I’ve known about it almost from the start, and every day I make the choice to keep working toward saving our marriage.
He says to me about the other woman, many of the things I hear you saying. He likes talking with her, she’s a good friend, he loves her, he’s never felt this way about someone other than me, he feels bad for her, he can’t break away from her, etc. She’s divorced with 5 kids. He and I have been married 10 years and have 3 grown children. About 3 weeks ago he just couldn’t take it any more and moved to a hotel while he tries to figure things out.
Why do I keep trying to save our marriage you ask? Because several years ago I had an affair. My husband never knew about it, and the other man was single, someone with whom I worked. And I said to myself all of the same things I hear you all saying, and all of the things my husband says. I need him, he needs me, blah, blah. I truly thought about leaving my husband, my wonderful, amazing husband, to start a new life with this person. I have no doubt that that would have been a huge mistake, but I was lost in the fog that you all know so well. I didn’t have the strength to end it, and I can’t give you ladies enough credit for fighting through all your pain to do the right thing. Luckily though the other man did have the strength, and he cut off contact gradually but surely. I was devastated for weeks, but NC DOES work to purge the poison from your system.
I will tell you all that gradually the fog DOES lift (though it seems like it never will), and the clarity is startling. You may think it’s not too bad in the fog because you can still take it. But someone once said to me "don’t you deserve more than the worst you can handle?" And of course I do, and you do. God wants us to do the right thing, and to regain our self respect and rebuild our loving homes.
I could kick myself for wasting all that time; I look back now and simply shake my head at how muddled I was and what bad decisions I made. I hurt myself, I’m sure I hurt my husband. And so that’s why I keep fighting for my marriage - I know that my husband is lost in that fog (and maybe the fog wouldn’t be as thick without my earlier actions), and somehow we have to survive until it lifts. Maybe that’s why God let me choose to stray - so I could endure and use what He taught me to help my husband find the path again. Some days I wish I could tell him how I know that the skies will clear eventually. I can’t. But I can tell you girls - follow the path God has laid out, be strong, and have faith that better things are ahead for you.
84 Marie // Jul 23, 2008 at 6:37 am
(USA) Nicole, Thank you for sharing your past experience and your current situation. It is a blessing that you are able to use your past to enable you to stay strong for your husband and keep fighting for your marriage. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so nervous. My lover is single and my direct supervisor at work and I will be seeing him over the next several days. I so want to stay strong!! It is so much more difficult when I have to see him… It’s been 13 days since last time we were
intimate. It is a small victory, but I need to hold on to it. I wish I didn’t have to see him at all. It would be so much easier. My stomach is in knots. Bless you all! Marie
85 Angel // Jul 23, 2008 at 9:26 am
(USA) Nicole thank you for sharing your story with us here. When I read the first line where you stated you were the wife I was waiting for the other shoe to drop..or be thrown at us. I feel horrible for my part in this.. but I was not his first and I will not be his last. I personally understand how you have to let God help you do the right thing and cultivate a relationship with Him in order to make that work. Without it, it is just our efforts in the flesh which will fail in time.
Because you have been there personally you understand, you get this. The other woman in the affair is living on fantasy and day dreams and seeing and hearing what they wish to hear. Reality with that person 24-7 would show a completely different side. My x partner travels a lot. It would have been easy for him to create a g-mail address and use in on the computer when he traveled after all this fell apart but he never offered. I was just a diversion, a plaything, a fantasy. When you realize that he really paints a different picture.
God allowed this at this point of time because He did not want me to get so far gone I could not return to Him and also He obviously knows my marriage is still fixable. My husband loves me for better or for worse sex kitten or housewife, I am not just a fantasy to him. Unfortunately for these guys we end up with porn creates an image of an always available nympho that is ready and willing all the time. Reality is paying bills, dealing with in laws, sick kids and working and some good sex as well. The fog conceals all that.
I am glad Daddy God, even in our disobedience, loves us enough to tell us "No that’s not good for you" and takes away our Binky’s (the affair partner) and holds us and loves us while we hit, stomp, cry and act out to get our "precious" and finally….. we calm down and fall into His arms and let Him fix us.
I remember Joyce Meyer telling God "I don’t have anyone, all I have is You" and she said He spoke to her very quiet like and said "poor poor Joyce, all she has is Me" She said she realized how stupid that must have sounded to Him, the creator of the universe.
He loves us in spite of ourselves, He is our Daddy. I am finding forgiving myself to be hard and a whole different manner though.
To all who need and want them {{{Hugs}}} we can do this…we are made for greatness….and He will use this to help others, he already has. Angel
PS The doll the AP mother, in the Alzheimer unit, has I decided to just let her keep it. If I had been with him I would not have taken it back, it was a gift. So hopefully it will bring her happiness. It is just a thing and not the only doll that was my grandmothers I have others… so along with him, I am letting it go.
86 Angel // Jul 24, 2008 at 10:34 pm
(USA) I allowed myself to go on facebook today with my curious self looking for his son’s profile and to see his graduation pictures was thinking what a cute young man he was, looking so much like his daddy….when I stumbled across a picture of the 2 of them together July 4th. Ouch that smarted, and yes I know, I did it to myself. A bit of a lump in my throat I caressed the face on the computer screen. Flipped through a few more and saw the "adult kids" goofing around in the van and then my eyes traveled forward to the front of the van where I had sat so often. There in the background I could see him holding her hand, after all she is his. I saw she had highlighted her hair and from the back it looked real pretty.
I found myself feeling jealous for a second, then hurt..then I realized how silly that feeling was. After all she belongs to him….and I/we were trespassing on private property with each other. I closed the window and will seek Jesus for comfort. Sometimes what we think we want to know we are better off just leaving alone.
It’s been a good week when hubby would not have a lot of patience with me or seemed to snap my mind and body wanted comfort elsewhere. I would speak out loud and tell myself just because he was acting that way gave me no excuse to look elsewhere and ran to Jesus and told him he was going to have to help me, that I needed his comfort. I am definitely seeing and feeling growth….and tonight I wounded myself so I am going to bed in the arms of Jesus. Our family is leaving for vacation tomorrow. It’s time to grow closer to God and each other.
Goodnight my sisters, be blessed and have a wonderful weekend. Huggles, Angel
87 LT // Jul 25, 2008 at 1:37 pm
(USA) Hi Angel, Thanks for the update. Yes, as we’ve told you (and you already know), it’s NOT a good idea to be searching for pictures or anything else of the old past that was a sin.
You are making good progress, though. You’ve hit the nail on the head when you say that you (and all of us) need to turn to God when we are in need. I think to a lesser degree we can also turn to the body of Christ as well but turning to worldly things when we are in need or in a low place is not a good thing.
Keep up the good work and have a great vacation! With love, LT
88 Sarah // Jul 26, 2008 at 7:02 pm
(USA) Ladies, just found this and it is bringing me hope and life. I am in a position that makes me unable to talk about my feelings. I have been having a sometimes emotional and sometimes physical affair on and off with a man for 8 years. I am a single woman. He is married and also my boss, I am very close to his family.
It is impossible to implement the no contact rule because my career and life are tied up with this person in a MAJOR way. I have spent most holidays and all my work time closely with this man. I am pretty sure that he has had inappropriate contact with other women I know - which I have openly pointed out.
We had a two year hiatus and then suddenly something in me screwed up and I opened things back up for a couple of weeks. We know it is wrong and we have recently broken off the relationship again. To be very honest, I felt so numb that I didn’t even want to end it except I know it only leads to pain. I have gone through agonizing days of guilt, shame, rejection, insecurity, and sadness. How can I look people in the eye when I am such a bad person - especially those I associate with??? It has been VERY hard on my emotions - especially wondering about his interaction with other women.
I am asking for prayer that I can keep my career and my best friends without having to go through no contact. Also, just knowing there are others out there who understand the addiction and neediness of these types of relationships. I do realize that I am probably sabotaging myself because I must not feel worthy of real happiness and real love so I am working on learning to love and respect who i am.
Most days I feel like the "walking dead" because my heart is so crushed but I am trying to have hope. It has been hard but I do know God is with me every step of this way and I believe in restoration and the possibility that He can make things right.
I am around this man quite a bit and I often want to just push all the issues - there is obviously lots of tension between us but coming here and reading what everyone else says helps me keep the boundaries and realize that bringing up the relationship to him will only serve to feed the addiction and it’s time to move on. It’s really good for me to express my feelings and I admit that I am a little scared even posting this here…
89 Marie // Jul 28, 2008 at 5:50 am
(USA) Sarah, This must be so difficult for you. I am so sorry. I sympathize. I have a relationship with my boss also. (I told my story here on July 17th)
PLEASE don’t call yourself a bad person. You are not!!! The fact that you have expressed your feelings here is a big step.
Total separation doesn’t seem to be an option for you right now, but you have the power (from God) within you to change the way you feel about this man. It’s a process…. sometimes a slow one. I am still fighting my battle as well.
Focus on the positive feelings that you receive from interacting with others e.g. coworkers, friends, family, perhaps even a total stranger that pays you a compliment. Remind yourself that God will give you the tools you need to make it through this. Please keep us posted. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Sarah.
90 Rebecca // Jul 29, 2008 at 1:39 pm
(USA) Greetings to all–Angel, Marie, Nicole, Demi, LT, Sarah, and all those who read and/or post here. Nicole, you are amazing! Marie, I prayed for you last week when you had to see him. Glad to hear that you are still fighting the battle! Sarah, dear, you have just taken a huge step in posting here! I took that step in fear and trembling and it was so significant. I began to find peace in small increments after that. If you haven’t already done so, read the the article and thread on this same site, "Getting Unhooked from an Emotional Affair." It was/is so helpful to me.
I want to report a victory. Up until Saturday, 7/26, I seemed to be getting no where in ridding myself of the 24/7 thoughts about him. But last week, I determined that my actions would be right, and maybe somehow, someday my brain would clear. Well, I’m not sure how, but Sunday and yesterday, I realized that several hours had gone by w/o thinking about him at all! I just give God all the credit and the praise. Today I saw him for the first time in over 2 weeks, and I actually did not start shaking from head to foot. I avoided all eye contact and the brief time that I had to be in his courtroom passed w/o incident. Thank you, Jesus!
Girls, with God’s help, we can do this. We have His Word, His Promises, power through prayer, His forgiveness, and each other! May God walk right beside each one of you. Love and "huggles" (as Angel would say).
91 Marie // Jul 31, 2008 at 7:35 am
(USA) Rebecca, That is a victory worth sharing. I am so proud of you! Thank you for sharing and keeping me in your prayers. I am beginning to feel stronger.
Today marks three weeks since last we were intimate. I do continue to wrestle with my feelings, but I am not quite as dominated by thoughts of him. Yesterday,
was such a challenge! We were all alone in the workplace for the last hour. I ignored him… he teased me… and made me laugh just as we were leaving. We hugged in the parking lot very briefly, but that’s it. Total separation would be much easier. I still have those feelings for him. With Christ by my side and the
kind, supportive words and prayers from all you… I can do this… we can do this.
Rebecca, (and all of you), please keep us posted on your progress (or failure). I draw such encouragement and empathy. I am so thankful to be able to unload my
burden to you.
92 Dee // Jul 31, 2008 at 1:43 pm
(USA) Hi there! This is my first time to post a message on here. I am currently separated from my husband of 20 years. I asked him to leave our home two weeks after I started an affair with my lover. I am in therapy and it has helped a lot but there are times I am still very confused. One part of me feels that I need to try harder and reconcile with my husband but I am still full of anger towards him. See, my husband has been unfaithful also. I had reached the end of my rope with him when I started the affair. He was rarely home and we had no love for each other. We basically just existed together in the same house. There was no love, no affection, no attention. The loneliness was killing me.
I met my boyfriend online and we began a friendship through e-mails over months. We finally IM’ed then began talking on the phone. Within weeks we set up a date to meet. It has been 5 months and my boyfriend does love me very much and wants to be with me. We have so much fun when we are together. I feel that he is my escape from reality. When we are together there are no distractions but deep down I know after time this could/would fade away.
My husband wants to work things out and I feel I cannot walk away from 20 years we have had together without at least trying but I don’t know that I could never trust him… because of the lying he has done also. I talk on the phone with my boyfriend several times a day and our love making is wonderful however, every time I think I need to withdraw from him I get all worked up and don’t know if I am strong enough to do it. I need to make a decision….either try to reconcile with my husband or be with my boyfriend. But trying to figure out what to do has been very tough. I’d appreciate any suggestions or tips. Dee
93 Janina // Aug 3, 2008 at 10:23 pm
(USA) Hi everyone. My last post, in scrolling back, I see was May 16. 2 1/2 months ago. I did call that day, and sweet talked him the best I could, and when he said " I care about you" in some stray sentence, I told him to just say it, say it, why is it "care" now??? Just SAY it! And he said, "OK, okay I love you. There it is, I LOVE YOU, I love you!"
That was it. He said he’d call me back, but never did. And I was soooo content with the final I love you. It was honest, and not said to appease me, but I know he didn’t want to say it for HIS own good. His marriage. I never called back, and everyday that I didn’t feel bad, felt soooo good.
Till this last Tuesday. I called him for a simple phone number, and was brief on his voice mail, and asked him to leave the number of a mutual friend that got fired, that only HE would know. I told him just leave the number on my voice mail.
He did, a day later, but said he wished he would’ve reached me at lunch and we could chat and he’d call me back the tomorrow an hour earlier, ( .and even left an approximate time).
WHY WHY WHY did he do that? Do you think he called? That message was left Wed. He didn’t call the next day, and he didnt call Friday!
I SWEAR I didn’t want to talk to him, really, I just wanted that number. I swear. But I should’ve known better. So what did I do? I called him over and over late Friday afternoon, when, in the old days, was ‘too late to call him’ cause he’d be home.
I called and called till he answered. I told him off. I told him that I didn’t want to talk to him, but in leaving that message, he gave a date and time he’d call and then didn’t, and that is total disrespect for me as a person, as a human being, and why in the &*^^ did he do that?? I told him, that in hindsight, he showed disrespect by not breaking up with me clearly and concisely, but rather by avoiding my calls, making excuses to not see me, and not returning calls. (For history sake–I changed my number on him 2 times, and told him never to call me, and then cried my way back to him, saying I’m sorry, numerous times.) I used to tell him how he hurts me, and this was before he actually did start avoiding me. I was getting soooo demanding, and crying all the time, and he knew it. (When we physically consummated our relationship, it was a response to a TEN year emotional affair. TEN years!)
Anyways, I told him off, told him that he wanted to look like the good guy and not call it quits, and in doing so, he made me suffer by making me wonder, is he busy? is he breaking up with me? why? did I do something, am I imagining this etc. I told him he made me suffer worse, and now we aren’t even together anymore AND HES STILL DOING IT! He apologized, and said he knows he handled it poorly and was sorry. He was very quiet. I hung up.
Now I know, the anger I held that moment was a powerful passionate link to him, and I didn’t want that, I didn’t! I called him back (he didn’t answer of course, it was "off limits calling time" (we both had these of course)
I was glad he didn’t answer and I left him a message saying:
1. I didn’t want to be mad at him, because that is a link, a connection to him
2. I forgive him. He did handle it poorly, but I guess he did the best he could do under ‘unnatural ‘circumstances , like an affair.
3. I told him I know I didn’t make it easy for him to resist
4. I told him that I was sorry for whatever I did to him, that in turn affected his wife and children, and to forgive me.
5. I told him i had a dream ( i did) and told him the dream which basically said he is a better man for resisting me, and his his love for me, to do the right thing, and deny himself, and to be the husband and father he should be.
6. I told him not to call me, and I also told him, that saying that was for my own good, and I KNOW he hasn’t called me at all, but in MY saying it, makes me KNOW not to secretly expect it someday.
7. I wished him well.
Period. I thought it was over. I’m going to post this and start the conclusion, for fear Ill lose the above post due to computer crash or something. Janina
94 Janina // Aug 3, 2008 at 10:50 pm
(USA) In conclusion: Ladies, if you’ve been there, you know. I secretly expected, longed for, desired a response to that message. I said: don’t call me. Yet I wanted a call sooo bad. I wanted a response so bad, I kept my phone by me all night. I took a pain pill to dull my feelings. One didn’t work so I took another. I woke up Saturday still wanting him to call. I waited like a fool, at 8 am, 9 am, and then I told husband I need to go get gas and the morning paper be right back.
I called him . I hung up. I called back and left a strong message saying: Call me back in 15 min please, Id like to know if you got the message and a response would be nice, and I didn’t know I would feel this way.
He called right back, said he got the message. He tried to leave it at that. Silence. Then, knowing I wanted more, he said that I when I hung up on him he felt bad, but in knowing me for ten years thats the thing I do best was always making him feel so good about himself, and I always knew the right things to say, from my heart, and I gave him the best compliment he has ever got in his life…repeated something I said like 7 years ago…I don’t know. Bla bla bla…all I wanted to hear, ladies, is: I LOVE YOU. I wanted to hear that again! It wasn’t coming this time, and I wasn’t gonna ask.
I asked him softly, if he still thought about me and he said of course I do, you know that. (And the thing is, I do know that, but I wanted to hear him say he still loves me and dreams of me and bla bla bla.)
I said, in response: "Do you?" very seductively. Then I said: "Tell me to stop" He said: "Stop" He changed the subject to our fired friend, then said he had to go. I said ok reluctantly, and we hung up.
And now, it seems I’m wrapped up again! I WAS SOOO CONTENT WITH THE FINAL I LOVE YOU! Why didn’t I leave it at that? It was no contact for 6 weeks, and the break up was 3 months. 3 months, the time experts say it takes to break a habit. Even a ten year habit.
Please pray for me. I was doing so good spiritually and know this is an attack. I am in a public Christian position, and know the devil wants to sift me like wheat, and in turn destroy my husband and family. Along with all those we help, and who look to us ….nuff said…. Any responses or words of encouragement would help. Judgments won’t. Thank you.
95 Marie // Aug 5, 2008 at 9:33 am
(US) Janina, I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. I’m sorry. You are not alone. No one (besides the people on this blog) knows about my physical affair with my boss, but I asked a close friend for advice to help me be less emotionally involved with him and it has helped and I will share it with you.
My friend suggested that I fast forward my feelings to how relieved I will feel when I do resist him. There have been several times in the last month which I felt the need to be with him physically. At times, the urge was so strong. I didn’t give in. I cannot take most of the credit. Outside circumstances made this an impossibility at times. However, there were several times in which I focused on how strong or proud I will feel later, if I just resist this moment. It has helped.
I am not sure that any of us will ever have "perfect closure". Every time you resist contact with him, it’s a victory for you. It’s a process. Really try and remember how good you will feel if you can just get past the urge. If you do re-establish contact with him, come back to Christ. I have "fallen off the wagon" several times after promising myself I wouldn’t. The shame prevented me from praying at first, but the wonderful encouragement I have found here helped me to turn back to Christ and ask for forgiveness many times. Christ’s compassion and strength has kept me from falling apart. He will do the same for you. I’ll pray for you and please come and write to us whenever you feel the need. Hugs from me to you.
96 Me // Aug 6, 2008 at 6:45 pm
(US) Janina and all, First I want to say that I’m Demi, I am changing to "me". The reason I’m doing that is because our relationship in age difference was the same as Demi and Ashton. So, I want to get rid of that. Also, you guys speak (type) so well…I just speak the way it comes out so forgive my grammar.
Janina… girl…. I and a lot of people are in the same exact situation and have felt the same EXACT way. Believe me. It’s been since Nov. 2, 2007 that I have physically seen my lover. Yes, he txt me on New Years, Valentines, 4th year anniversary, and my B-day in April. Like I mentioned above, I did the unthinkable and called his wife AGAIN and told her to have him to leave me alone. He’s a good liar and made her believe that it was over in 2006. However, I did what you are doing right now. I gave in…all the way!!! Finally…after almost ANOTHER year…I told myself…I don’t want this "part-time" love. I WANT MORE!!! So…with all the power I had inside…I HAD to let go.
I also am on meds (per doc.) and this has helped me. If you would like to know…it’s (lexapro and Welbutrin) low dosages but I feel like it has helped me. I have gained all the weight I lost and feel good about that because I got down to 94lbs and looking very lanky. I too felt/feel the same way you did….wanting HIM to call me…wanting HIM to acknowledge me…but he has not. THANK GOD!!!. Because..I’m telling you now…I feel a little stronger today..(don’t misunderstand me) if he were to knock on my front door right now…I would be weak and give in 100%. (I think). I also am seeing a therapist (i know..I know…) but I like this guy. I have seen 3 other female ones and they all want to talk about my childhood. I HAD A GREAT CHILDHOOD!!!. So…I stumbled across this Dr. and he has made me realize some things. Ok…I’m going to go a little deep. Forgive me LT and others for going into it a bit more….
During our 4 years…I learned that lots of gay men "always" acknowledge him (this is what he told me after experiencing it at a restaurant and said it happens a lot" AND..I have NOTHING against gay/lesbian. I have a cousin that is. So…again..thru these years…one day after the weekend…I asked him what he did and he told me in a giggling voice…I watched "gay porn" with my brother-in-law (who’s gay). I’m like OMG…YUCK. I’m sorry…but no STRAIGHT man is gonna sit and watch gay porn with anyone…not even family. Also, he and his wife went on vacation and he IM’s me from Mexico and told me he was gonna take a picture of a man in a thong for me. RIGHT…I’ve never seen that pic. He has also tried to comment suicide a couple of times and thought about it again during our relationship. I saw the scares on his wrists. He came from a broken home blah blah blah…too much to go into. One more thing….he was fired on January 4th of this year….I thought to myself…"prob. porn". So I confirmed this with one of his good friends and yep…fired for watching porn AT WORK!!. OMG….
OK…with some info for you….my therapist said to me, "if a good friend, family member, etc." said to you, "Hey…I have this GOOD LOOKING DUDE..who is FUN and loves sports like you…and y’all would REALLY hit it off BUT…he’s tried to commit suicide, has gay tendencies, got fired from his job cuz of porn..etc… (I’m like OMG…already shaking my head NO) and he said, would you be interested? I said F&*$ NO!!! So…I think about that ALL the time…ALL the time….cuz again…if he were to knock at my front door…I think I would give in. (i think). A therapist is not for everyone…like i said…I’ve been thru 3 others in the past 3 years and I finally found one that I actually enjoy venting to besides y’all.
So what I’m saying…stick to prayer, find the right therapist AND stay here with us and vent all you want. Among all these women here including Nicole. I truly am sorry for what you’ve been through. Just understand from our standpoint…the things that husbands tell their wives (i wont talk to her again…it’s over..ect…I LOVE YOU and YOU only…etc..) he is also telling us the same thing. So..we fall into it AGAIN…and AGAIN…and by this time…4 years or more have passed. However, I too want to thank you for not throwing us under the bus…cuz we all have emotional feelings and need each other and we know you do too. Janina, hang in there…we are here for you and hope with all of us, we can all get through this together one day at a time.
Hugs to all, ME.
97 me // Aug 9, 2008 at 7:23 am
(CANADA) Ok, a year and a half ago I got involved with a married man. We were great friends for about 7 years prior to that and I guess his relationship with his wife was falling apart and we just started connecting even more. We actually took it slow and our friendship grew to head over heels in love with each other. It got to the point where we were spending every waking moments talking in some shape or form. Then a few months ago his wife said she wasn’t sure what he was going through and why he was so distant but if he didn’t start putting his family first then she was going to leave.
So we both found a way to still be together. We found ways around him still being there for his kids but also being there for me. He’s claimed that throughout this he does love her but it’s a different kind of love then he has for me. To him, he loves her because she is the mother of his children and it’s just comfortable and routine and his life is laid out. He loves me because he says I make him feel alive and make him feel like there is still a whole new world out there.
Every once in a while he says to me that he just wants to up and leave and go start his life with me but he loves his children so much that he doesn’t want to leave them. I 100% respect that and would never in a million years ask him to do that or expect him to. I have been happy with the way that things are. Just recently things got a little rocky, lots of fighting, lots of weird moments. Every couple of months we would talk about breaking up and going back to our lives but then he’s never strong enough to do it because he ‘loves me so much and wants me with him always.’
Then out of the blue this week (we had plans one night so I got everything organized and planned some nice stuff) he just flat out never called me. It took him 2 days till he contacted me and all he said was "I’m sorry it’s just done." No explanation, no emotions involved, no nothing. I have no idea what happened and why it happened. He has been so cruel to me over this and as rude as anyone could be. This isn’t him, even though he was a cheater and obviously a liar, he was still an absolutely amazing guy. He had so much love and passion for me and then he just leaves me with a blink of an eye.
I am so confused and any time I try to talk to him he just says "I’m busy I cant talk, I’ll call you later" then when he does call, like 10 hours later he just tells me to stop crying and that one day I will understand. I could understand if our relationship was absolutely horrible and the break up was coming…. but the fact that it was awesome and he just left me cold makes me so confused and gives me so many unanswered questions. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know if this is something I should keep fighting for, or if I should just walk away. The problem that is if I walk away I don’t know how to deal with this and I don’t know what I should do. I am sorry this is so long, but any help would be appreciated so much. Thank you!
98 Janina // Aug 9, 2008 at 3:10 pm
(USA) Your story is the same as mine. Something happened we don’t know about and they are scared. Read my posts above and thru May.
99 LT // Aug 9, 2008 at 7:02 pm
(USA) Hi me from Canada, I wanted to answer your first question - is your relationship worth fighting for? Before I answer, I should say I guess I’m a little confused about the question. Are you a Christian or are you aware that this is a Christian website?
Adultery is against God’s laws. See I Corinthians 7. The man you had a relationship with is married - to someone other than you. So, I have to tell you, just according to the Bible, the answer is a resounding - NO, this is not something you should try and continue. I’m not trying to sound harsh or uncaring, but I simply am not sure where you stand on whether or not you even think it is wrong. I could not tell from what you wrote and someone asking whether or not they should try and continue a relationship with a married man makes me think they do not think it is wrong.
If I’ve misunderstood what you’ve written or your question, then I apologize. My answer remains the same, however, adultery is wrong and you should stop the affair, absolutely (and I speak as someone who was married and had an affair with someone else, an unmarried man myself so I know all the feelings involved).
The second part of your dilemma - how to move on is certainly understandable. It is a long, arduous process whereby you have to detach yourself from the emotions, just like you would if you were a drug addict trying to come off of the addictive properties.
Here is a start (maybe). You say, in the same sentence, the man is a liar and a cheat, but he is amazing. Read that and see what you think about that.
I know God values everyone and certainly has love for those who try to follow his ways. God would not lie to you or cheat on you. Humans might (we all sin) but not God. So, I guess what I’m saying is seek God’s love and try to find comfort in that before seeking it from other humans.
If you do seek comfort from other humans (in your time of recovery or even in life, in general), I’d say seek it from people who have more respect for you (and whom you can look up to, no one can admire a liar and cheat) and also from those of the same gender.
I believe God has a mate out there for you. That person will be revealed, but you have to stop sinning and learn to seek God’s way of life first before His wonderful promises will start to be given to you.
I also agree with Janina - please read the above posts for the last 3 months or so (even though there are many) because they have a lot of information on the healing process of so many other women who have been through and are going through what you are.
God bless you and keep you, LT
100 me // Aug 10, 2008 at 7:43 am
(CANADA) I guess when I said “Is it worth fighting for” I am just confused because of his actions. I know that the answer is no, but when he keeps leading me on it just makes me think I should keep fighting. You were not sounding harsh or uncaring in any way, I totally appreciate your help. I know that what I have done is beyond wrong, but love plays a funny toll and takes you places that you know you shouldn’t go.
As for me moving on, it’s next to impossible. He met up with me yesterday and of course we were involved physically and he tells me that he know it has to end but he cant seem to walk away from me and everything that we shared. So we left on terms last night that I guess we were still kind of together? Then a couple hours later he writes me an email saying that he is sorry for what he has to do and to remember all our good times and that he will never stop thinking of me and that I am constantly playing on his mind and that he’ll love me always.
Then today we talked again and he is telling me that he wants to see me tonight. WHY????? If this relationship is over for him and he is ready to go back to his family and give them what they deserve then why is he playing with my head and going back and forth? Seriously, every email he has written me since last night makes no sense. One email says we will talk later and work on it while the other ones say that he is sorry it’s over. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. Obviously this is a huge sin and I don’t have a single person I can turn to and share this with other then all of you fine ladies. This person is a big part of my life as well as my family’s just like I am a big part of his family’s lives.
LT when you said “I believe God has a mate out there for you. That person will be revealed, but you have to stop sinning and learn to seek God’s way of life first before His wonderful promises will start to be given to you.” How do I do that? I read all of the posts and it’s amazing the things that all of you are trying to overcome and how well all of you work together in trying to help each other out. It’s amazing. I just need to try and move on with my life and do the right thing but I just can’t seem to find the way.
101 ME // Aug 10, 2008 at 12:35 pm
(USA) me (aka Demi), I just want to say me (Canada) that it’s NOT easy in any way, shape or form. Like I stated above, (#96) I am trying so hard to stay strong… but if he were to knock on my door now….I think I would invite him in and God knows what will happen. I THINK. If I could find the courage way down inside my soul…I may be able to turn him away.
It is a LITTLE…and I mean LITTLE easier for me cuz he got fired from his job…as stated above. (I don’t wish that upon anyone) and I wonder if that’s a sign or something. Anyway…you just have to stay strong….try and not talk to him 1 day. Try not to answer his calls for 1 day…try not to txt or IM him or respond to him for 1 day. If you can do it for 1 day….then try 2. Try 2 when you have succeeded with 1 day!!
It will be harder than you have ever imagined….cuz I know you love him just like most of us do/did on this page….but if I can do it….and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I KNOW you can. If you have read all my messages above (Demi) you can see my lover told me the same things …and one thing that is different from your lover….mine doesn’t’ have children.
So…he had no excuse not to leave….except for he wants children and I told him I was done. So…that’s his excuse and he sticks to that. But I didn’t. It’s a way out for him….I truly believe it.
I miss him so very much…but I am moving on and I’m in therapy now and finally found a great doctor that I enjoy telling him things and listen to him with both ears open wide. So… for me…with his help and y’alls help….I’m getting thru this world wind of a ride. Life is too short to be unhappy. I used to love my life… and now I just fake it. But I’ll be ok….1 day at a time. YOU CAN do it. Good luck and big hugs to all!! ME (aka Demi)
102 GRACE // Aug 12, 2008 at 9:12 am
(USA) I apologize ahead for what I am going to express here. I have read some of your comments and yes, I see the hurt and pain you all are going through. I find it hard though to find sympathy to those of you who had an affair with married men– why, for I AM THE WIFE who has been BETRAYED. The pain I am going through right now, I would not wish for anyone. I know one or two of you here understand this.
I see the pain it has caused my whole family. It has torn us all apart. I can only wish for all of you to get the full measure of the consequences that you have done—Then again, this is my flesh. My yucky, unforgiving, ungracious flesh!! In God’s grace I know that as I needed to be forgiven, I too need to extend the same.
And this is where I draw my peace and strength from. My husband and I are working it out. Do I fully trust him? My trust I keep only to our LORD. Trusting that He strengthens me to be the wife He asks me to be. To show grace and mercy at a time when my husband needs it most. The only perfect reflection of Jesus’ cross I could show him. Agape love–loving unconditionally. How? Oh ladies, only through the Holy Spirit in me who produces the fruits I need to bear..love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,gentleness, faithfulness and SELF-CONTROL (Gal 5:22-23).
One thing I know, we all need His salvation, His love and protection. We all are wounded. As I see you through God’s eyes and as I try the same with the woman who was involved with my husband, I pray that your journey keeps you toward the only way –the way to God’s love, truth and life.
Do me a big favor, start praying for those wives and their children who are badly hurting.Then maybe or surely, it will take you out of yourselves and bring out the understanding, compassion and mercy you truly owe them. Please know, I am praying for all of you. I pray too that through your decision to follow God, you find the man whom God has prepared for you (he is truly out there). Brace yourselves ladies, HE WILL NOT BE PERFECT–but remember this, YOU will be perfected in love, faithfulness, trust and obedience by our Father who loves you so dearly and calls you His beloved. He is our perfect husband!! In God’s Spirit, my love and heart reaches out to you. –GRACE
103 Rebecca // Aug 12, 2008 at 3:13 pm
(USA) Just want to share a thought that God has been bringing to my mind. Many years ago, before I was married, I went through a terrible experience–a type of date rape. I’m talking about months and years of anguish and depression and self-hatred. During this time I became angry with God for letting this happen to me. One day God spoke to me and let me know the following: He said, "Rebecca, in the end, I am going to win. I am going to triumph over all evil and pain and wickedness and wrong doing and hurt. Either you can choose to be angry at me and fight me and lose, or you can make peace with Me, get on the winning team, and celebrate victory and triumph some day together with Me when I win the final battle." Well, I chose back then to get on the winning team.
Now God is reminding me of that as I struggle to free myself from illicit, but very real, very strong feelings that exist in my heart for a man that is not my husband. Just because the attention feels so sweet and I like feeling attractive, what will I gain in the long run? Only with God’s approval and His attention will I have the long-term results that are of such great value. I choose to be on the winning team, even if I have to reject some things that bring me temporal, fleeting pleasure. See Hebrews 11:24-27. It’s a matter of choosing each new day, in each new circumstance. God help me, God help us all– to get on the winning team. Love to all.
104 LT // Aug 12, 2008 at 6:18 pm
(USA) Hi Rebecca, Thank you so much for sharing such a personal, yet moving and honest story with all of us. I believe it is benefiting to everyone to read that. That is a truly uplifting, exhorting and inspirational story. I felt so much of God’s Spirit in what you wrote and I took it to heart. I hope it speaks to everyone in that way. It is wonderful to read that. Thanks for sharing!!
105 Janina // Aug 12, 2008 at 8:17 pm
(USA) I just found a note I wrote and read it as a voice mail in my last call to "him". It said how I hoped he would have called me to wish me luck on my biggest of days but he didn’t, and how I gave everything I had to give to him, to make him happy but my happiness seemed overlooked. When I read that I felt the pain of that day and thank God I am not there anymore.
Often I just remember the high, the "firsts", and neglect the feelings of being a "side dish" a dessert as he actually said once. He really thought that was a compliment! I fail to remember, how the man I am cheating on my husband with, didn’t even get me a candy bar for Valentines day, and 2 weeks later didn’t call me on my birthday, even though I reminded him daily. He was sooo sorry though. But did I get a gift? No. I asked him this question, the next day: if my husband found out I was having an affair with a man that doesn’t even care to call me on my birthday, how low would he think of me? That day was the beginning of the end.
106 GRACE // Aug 12, 2008 at 10:54 pm
(USA) Rebecca, Thank you. You have eased my pain. You already won the battle!! We truly are in the winning team. I am so humbled by you.
107 Mahal // Aug 13, 2008 at 6:43 am
(USA) Today, I’m committing myself into a Total separation from an affair. Just thinking of doing it makes me cry.
I’m married for 17 yrs and I’m having an affair w/ a married man. I knew him from childhood. We had an on and off relationship when we were younger. Lately we found each other again via web. It started w/ email, phone calls and instant messages. Last month however, we met after 14 yrs and the relationship became physical. He’s thousands of miles away from me now but we still communicate and wish that we were together again.
I know that this affair is not going anywhere. I want to keep my family, I want to gain my self respect back and I want to restore my relationship with my God.
It’s been 48 hrs now since I last communicated w/ him. I miss him badly. It’s tearing me apart. I don’t know if I can do it but I know I’m not alone with this battle. I need His strength to do this. I need His guidance to overcome this. I need people like you to talk to about this. I need your help.
108 Sharon // Aug 13, 2008 at 11:29 am
(USA) First of all, let me say how happy I am to find this website. I can’t believe there really are women out there having the same pain/problems as mine. Here’s my story. I have been married for 14 years, not happily. About 7 years ago I met a married man at work and we began to have an affair. It went on strong for about 4 years until I found out there was another other woman (we no longer worked together at this point) and we didn’t speak for 9 months when he called asking to see me again. I foolishly agreed thinking, okay, it’ll just be this one time. I want him to see how wonderful I’m doing without him. After the initial "breakup," I was a total zombie for probably three months then slowly, very slowly, came back to life.
Well, BIG mistake, it’s been on every since, but the last couple of months, his contact — personal, phone calls, texts, have become further and further apart. As of this moment, he hasn’t contacted me in over 3 weeks. This is the longest ever. Seems like old times again as the same thing happened months before I found out about the other other women the last time (you know, the more I write, the more absurd this seems. I think I’m solving my own problems as I listen to my stupid self.)
Anyway, it’s been over three weeks. The point of my story is this, I know a lot of you are hurting and holding on to get through the painful no contact period, but, just remember, if he does contact you again, and the affair resumes, you’re back to square one. And when it ends again, you feel like such a fool about yourself and the fact that you had come so far, further than you may realize at this moment, in your life and things were improving, just to let him pull the rug out again. Love and no judgment to all.
109 GRACE // Aug 13, 2008 at 2:15 pm
(USA) 48 hours!!! Mahal how precious those hours were. It meant that you have finally turned it over to God and said ..Yes Lord, this time, I choose YOU! As you have read here, everyone is struggling, everyone in pain. It helps me understand the other side instead on focusing in on just my pain. It is said…These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world…John 16:33
God is still a God of mercy, and miracles, and HE is faithful beyond what we could ever ever understand. He is all knowing. He allowed this for you for a greater purpose. He has already given us the provision to accept what was already said. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
He asks of you now, will you accept His mercy so He may turn these ashes into beauty? Will this be your testimony of how undeserving we are and yet found the love and forgiveness from our Abba Father? Will this too be your way to help others? This is part of what it means to die to oneself. When I came to realize this, I have allowed God to do whatever He wants of me.
Often the things He asks of me are difficult, but the peace I can not describe. I believe that too is what you aim to have. The peace that goes beyond understanding..the peace that only comes from HIM. Someone once told me, decisions and choices come every second. It’s like cockroaches closing in on your feet. How we stay away from it, is by stepping at each one. One at a time.
So when you come to a tough thought, feeling or decision, listen to the voice you’re hearing. Is it coming from the voice of fear? Then you know ultimately who is talking to you. God is not a God of confusion. He will equip you whenever you allow Him. So keep on stepping on each cockroach. God loves you. I need you to help me too. (No cockroaches were ever used and hurt in this comment..yet)
110 Mahal // Aug 14, 2008 at 12:28 am
(USA) Thanks Grace. It really helps to talk to someone who love and fears the Lord. At this point, I don’t know what to do. It really hurts not to hear from him. I honestly, miss him. Uphold me in your prayers.
111 Marie // Aug 14, 2008 at 4:50 am
(USA) Hello everyone. Grace, thank you for your quoting from Scripture. I find such strength in those words. I am so sorry for your pain and will keep you (all of you) in my prayers.
Mahal, I know how much it hurts. God knows how difficult this is for you and He will supply you with what you need.
I’m trying to end an affair with my single boss (I am married with small children). It’s been 5 weeks since we were last intimate. I feel stronger, at times, but it hurts so much to see him. I think I need to find another job. The tension between us is so great. We talk less frequently, laugh far less often and I have built this invisible wall around myself and I won’t let him in, but it’s hard. Why do I hate this situation almost as much as I do now as I did when I was intimate with him?
112 Mahal // Aug 14, 2008 at 6:29 am
(USA) It’s been 60 hrs, Grace. By God’s grace, I’m coping well. It’s ok to cry, right? I’m crying my heart out to HIM now. Sinner as I am, I believe He will still listen to me. I need your opinion here. Do I have to tell him that this affair is over or I will just disappear and not contact him? Thanks!
113 ME // Aug 14, 2008 at 3:18 pm
(USA) Mahal….I saw my lover…came out and asked him if there was a future for us…and he said, "no for now". I told him no meant no. (he wants children) yeah right…like I’m gonna wait for him. I started to get out of his car and he wanted a hug…so he came around the car and we hugged (this was the last time I touched him). Then he said…does this mean you’re not going to talk to me anymore? I just walked away cuz I almost lost it and I didn’t want to do that in front of him.
This is my opinion…you have to end it. If you can stay strong….and walk away when you tell him it’s over….NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS OR DOES….I think it’s the best thing. But..that’s my opinion because it worked for me. Yes he tried to IM me when he got to his desk but I logged out of IM (instant msging).
I want to ask y’all something. I truly feel we had a very special relationship…it was not ALL sexual. My question is….do y’all think they go through these withdrawals like we do? It just seems unfair that us women…including you too Nicole, go through this pain. I guess I’m just at a MAD stage right now. I’m here hurting. I think about him all the time….and he’s probably going on with his life as if I was never apart of it. Do y’all think they go through SOME type of hurt?
Nicole…I just feel the need to say….I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I pray for you and my lover’s wife too. I can’t believe it but I do.
Mahal… I hope you find your strength and find the best way to have total separation. You all are in my prayers… ME
114 ME // Aug 14, 2008 at 4:00 pm
(USA) Mahal…sorry for not really answering your question. What I meant was/is…contact him whether it be by phone, thru IM or even having him meet you. But I feel if you just walk away….he’s going to contact you again. You can be doing so good and one day…he shows up…this will put you back to the very beginning. All that hard work….for nothing.
Sorry for the confusion, ME
PS. I still think about him every day (all day).
115 Tony // Aug 14, 2008 at 6:02 pm
(USA) I have to be honest. I am very sickened by what I read. I see a thread full of mostly women complaining about how hard it is to end their affairs, break free of their lovers, etc.
What’s my background? Five years ago, I might have been one of your husbands.
If you read more of what Dr Harley has to say about infidelity, he equates the damage done to the betrayed spouse with rape.
I’d say that’s just about right. My mom was raped when I was a child, and I recall the years of having to come home and announce my name, so she wouldn’t shoot me, she was so hurt and scared after that. And she had the guts to go to court, ID the guy and testify against him, so she was no shrinking violet.
When I found out about my wife’s affair, it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve seen loved ones die, and have survived cancer, and yet her affair was the most hurtful thing I’ve ever experienced.
What I read here is pure selfishness. I’ll paraphrase, "It’s too hard." "I miss him so much." It makes me sick.
To those who say you cannot tell your husband. That is a lie from hell. You cannot keep this from your husband if you ever want your marriage to get better.
To those of you who have said your husbands cheated in the past. So what? Our behavior is not judged against others. As Christians, we are judged against God’s standard, not our neighbors, or Hollywood, or our spouse.
I’d like to ask you to think of this every time you want to see your lovers. You are raping your spouse and your children. Yes, even your children. You see the abusive, selfish nature of affairs not only damages your spouse, but it harms your children.
So think about that the next time you think you need to see your lover. Imagine that you are raping your child. Because emotionally, that is what you are doing not only to your husband, but to your whole family. Affairs are abusive.
If you find it impossible to end the affair, tell your spouse. Get an accountability partner at your church that will hold you accountable for your actions towards your spouse.
Take it from a betrayed husband, the news is far worse if we find out via another means.
And the grass is not greener. My ex-wife has a far more difficult life, and it’s the one she chose. She went from a stay-at-home mom, to working full time at jobs that might earn her $20-25K/year.
The Other Man that she just had to have. Well, he may or may not have ended his 30 year marriage. Either way, I doubt he has much money anymore. But it doesn’t matter, because she has gone from being married to a man who loved her, and who made it possible for her to be the SAHM she wanted to be, to dating a security guard with whom she regularly fights with. The grass is not greener.
Me? I married a wonderful Christian women. We go on missions trips, work with the youth, take winery tours, and we don’t have to sneak around. We don’t have to hide or be ashamed. We gross out the kids with all the PDA around the home.
So if the grass is greener, I’d say it’s likely true for the betrayed spouse, who is freed from a selfish, adulterous spouse, who after thinking only about herself, is often just left with herself.
I don’t hate cheaters. But I do hate cheating, the lies told both to themselves to justify the affair, and to others to hide the affair. I hate the damage done by cheaters to their marriages. And I hate the damage cheaters do to their children.
My daughter and I were talking one day while I was still married to my ex-wife. She asked me after a devotional about saving souls if her mommy had lost her soul. She was five and knew age appropriate details about her mothers actions, such as her mother made a vow to only love me as a mommy loves a daddy, and now she says she loves another man in this way. So we need to pray for mommy.
She asked if her mommy lost her soul, because it was obvious to this 5 year old girl that her mommy was not acting like a mommy to her, or a wife to her husband. No one needed to tell her, she could see it at 5. Such profound truth out of the mouths of babes.
So ladies (and any men reading) stop making excuses about how hard it is to end the affair. Do what it takes to establish verifiable no contact with your lover. If what it takes is to remember that every time you are unfaithful, you are raping your spouse and your children, then think that thought until the idea of being with your love sickens you as much as affairs sickens me.
116 Janina // Aug 14, 2008 at 8:25 pm
(USA) Well Tony, women are weaker emotionally, usually only when sex is wrapped up in a pretense of love. We fall for it. Men can separate it if they have to. We’re not made that way. It’s no excuse, I know. But it is hard and it does hurt. And it’s our fault. And we need not only "prayer" but to PRAY for OURSELVES! Your comparison to rape is probably right and that’s why we don’t tell a living soul, and cry our hearts out here, anonymously. We think hiding it protects you, even if it’s wrong. It’s ALL wrong. All of it. Your post makes that clear.
117 LT // Aug 14, 2008 at 8:36 pm
(USA) Hi Tony, I’ve read your many posts today and was waiting on God to give me the time to respond. It is quite obvious that you are speaking from a point of extreme hurt in your life. I thought you made some wonderful observations in your comments on the other pages where you’ve posted.
But after reading this latest one, I guess what I wanted to say was to ask you to please refrain from spreading such bitterness around this website. I still have many things that I think would be of use to you and when I have the time and quiet, I’d like to respond to some of what you wrote on the other pages.
Right now, after reading this latest post, my honest objective observation is, you are coming here talking to women who are trying to move on (and it’s difficult) and yes, at times, they have difficulties, but you coming here telling them they make you sick and that they are being selfish. Well I have a hard time differentiating from their selfishness and your selfishness at writing such insulting comments to them.
My brother, you need to invite God into your heart and let Him heal your heart and your extreme bitterness. King David lost a child and God took that child from Him in punishment. David’s response was the oft-quoted, God gives and God takes away.
God allowed your wife to be taken away. I don’t know why, but that’s a given. She’s gone as you’ve pointed out in each comment you’ve written.
I have much the Lord wants me to share with you on your other comments but on reading this latest one, God is really telling me strongly to share with you, my brother, son of God, hold your bitter tongue a bit more. Take heed lest you fall.
None of us are perfect. The body of Christ it to lift one another up and exhort. Please contain your bitterness if you will. That is of Satan. A little sin leavens the whole lump. These women here are trying……that’s why they are here.
Tell them your experiences as a spouse who was the victim of adultery and let them know the hurt your received but don’t revile evil for evil. That is a violation of God’s laws. You are heading in that direction.
Please know that God loves you and will help you. I plan on writing more to some of your other comments at God’s appointed time. I have much to share. I just wanted to nip the bitterness bug before it spreads like a fire.
To all of you - God bless and may God keep you. LT
118 GRACE // Aug 14, 2008 at 11:13 pm
(USA) I don’t hate cheaters. But I do hate cheating, the lies told both to themselves to justify the affair, and to others to hide the affair. I hate the damage done by cheaters to their marriages. And I hate the damage cheaters do to their children.
That was what I read from Tony’s comment. I don’t think it is fair for anyone LT to judge him as bitter or spreading bitterness. One cannot fully understand until one has been betrayed through adultery. And as I read Tony’s comment, I believe he is only being as honest as need be. And oftentimes for others, TRUTH is hard to take especially for those who are not ready to be humbled and/or face the truth with great surrender.
I too have read a lot of excuses here made on how hard it is to end an affair. Why, it is truly hard to end an affair. This has been established way before any sin or affair have ever started. It is hard because it is totally opposite of God’s will for us. Therefore, it leads to misery and destruction. In fact, Tony brings a way out as he mentioned in this comment "If you find it impossible to end the affair, tell your spouse. Get an accountability partner at your church that will hold you accountable for your actions towards your spouse." If he truly is bitter, he would have rather carried on and say all the bad consequences that one deserves as a result of commiting adultery and wish it for those who made excuses. But I did not see that. Here is a man broken, yes still may be hurt, but convicted enough to stand and express what is true. And also shares his victory after his storm through his faith in God. I see that he does have faith in God, otherwise, he would not have pursued marrying a wonderful christian wife.
What evil did Tony do here..express the truth? If one can not handle that, then one should better check within oneself whatever else one is holding back.
Women are weak..yes we maybe..but through the armor God has given us, we are more than conquerors!!!
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
-GRACE
119 Grace // Aug 15, 2008 at 12:00 am
(USA) Mahal -sorry almost missed the question.
Do I have to tell him that this affair is over or I will just disappear and not contact him?
The answer to that is this..Your decision to end the affair is ultimately your offering, trust and faith in God. Ergo, you only need to tell God. What I am trying to say is..Turn around and totally let go. You really don’t need to explain nor make him understand this. Trust God that He will lay it in your heart if you truly need to speak to him about this. If you ask God for wisdom on this, He will reveal it to you. And moreso, HE will find a way and make it happen.I doubt tho’ if God would be pleased if you pursue him first about this matter more than God. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness; and all this things will be added unto you. So, you need not worry and rest in God’s love on this. BE STILL-and know who God is to you(most especially). Ask that yourself. Who is God to you? I tell myself all about who God is to me, "God is my Love, God is faithful to me, God is interested in every detail of my life, God pursues me more than I, God is faithful, God wants to give me hope and abundant life.." In no time, you’ll see the smile and the peace that comes flowing in you. In the bible it says..if the eye causes you to sin..take it out, if any part of your body causes you to sin..cut it off. You remember that verse? The same premise I give you. You well know, getting in touch with him will have a big (BIG) chance of you falling back..then don’t do it. Again, you only need to turn this and bring it to the foot of the cross. Don’t even worry what he will think of you. Ask yourself, is he truly concerned of your well being? Is this truly the man who will genuinely be concerned? Everytime you make a step towards what’s right, what is for God, you sure are closer to the blessing of being set free–and isn’t that what you want? To be free and be seen as a joyful, faithful christian woman deserving of a man who also loves God. Read Rebecca’s comment again..very encouraging. Decide to be with the winning team!!!
love to you and all!!
120 Grace // Aug 15, 2008 at 12:36 am
(USA) Hi Me –>My question is….do you all think they go through these withdrawals like we do?
As the wife who has been betrayed..the answer to your question is YES. They do go through all the withdrawals. And it hurts me to see my husband go through it. It means that I am not the only one in his heart and mind which should be. To realize it isn’t me anymore that brings the excitement in his life. It tears me apart. I’m screaming inside. Question is, what are they really withdrawing from? If you list all the answers, you’ll be very disappointed. You’ll discover, it isn’t really you or from you. It truly boils down to issues they have (they think) they need filling. And we know that it is only through God who truly can satisfy us of all our needs. For some who may not exhibit any withdrawal symptoms, I am certain that it is because they have found something or someone else to drown it or patch it all up. And what is that really? That is a true picture of PRIDE. When one lies to themselves and say, I need not deal with this.
I can understand you going through all emotions, all questions. But don’t allow yourself to be consumed of what he is going through. But busy yourself building a strong relationship with God. If those thoughts come, understand that they will be there (constantly..for a time). But remember, as I told Mahal, you have a choice to step on them like cockroaches and tell yourself..nope, I’m not going there!!
Marie thank you for your comment. Embrace the difficulty of your decision to end it. But also remember every effort you do, every trust you turn over to God..Marie all this hurt will be worth it. You’ll see yourself more closer to Him. And some day you may even say..BEST thing that ever happened to me!! And that’s humility in the battle of winning over sin. Remember you are precious–God tells me to tell you that
All of you are!!!
Mahal, I’m praying and cheering for you. If you fall, God knows your heart. Just press on and keep fighting the good fight!! HE will finish the work he started in you.
In all of us!!!
Please forgive me..if I have put in two consecutive comments.
121 Mahal // Aug 15, 2008 at 2:45 am
(USA) Dear All, I just want to let you all know how powerful your prayers are for my battle. A couple of hours ago, I asked your opinion if I should talk to him and let him know that this is over. As I was deciding what to do, I got a text message from him, telling me that he needed to settle things with his family- I interpreted that as," I need to stop this affair". God just made a way to make it easy for me to end it. I did not text him back. I’m just praying that God will intervene from this time on.
I’m crying right now because I’m happy to know that God is with me in this battle and so happy that I have YOU all praying for me and can’t imagine right now how powerful those prayers are.
I’d be lying if I say, I’m not sad. I feel it, but I can say with the scripture now that," The joy of the Lord is my strength".
122 Tony // Aug 15, 2008 at 5:26 am
(USA) LT, Sharing how one feels on a topic is NOT bitterness. I passionately hate the cheating, and want to see every cheater successfully turn from their sin and repent.
If you call that bitterness, then I think you need to check yourself, because assumption is not one of the spiritual gifts last time I checked.
I shared the truth that God has placed into my heart from having lived through my former wife’s affair.
First, there was the wondering what was wrong with our relationship. The lies from her that all was well. The sneaking around, and then finding out from her co-workers that she was truly in an affair.
There were months of not eating and not sleeping because I was so crushed. The times I just wanted to kill myself. How easy it would be to just drive into a pole, or off a bridge or into on-coming traffic.
Then there were the times where I planned how to kill the OM.
No, I’m not bitter. I’m sharing openly and honestly about what affairs do to betrayed spouses.
I’m sharing openly about the hurtful nature of affairs, what it does to the children and rest of the family, let alone the betrayed spouse.
What would be bitterness would be to pretend these things don’t happen. That affairs don’t cause this sort of damage.
Like I tell my children, there is no try, you do or don’t do.
Please don’t insult me with the women are weaker angle. We don’t accept such an excuse from a man who falls short, so why would we even give the light of day from a woman? It’s just another excuse for selfish behavior.
What could be more bitter than someone making excuses for adulterous behavior?
I’m sorry, the ones who are bitter are NOT the ones speaking out against affairs, encouraging those who are involved in an affair to find the strength or the help to end the affair today.
You do it one hour at a time. Do that 24 times in a row and you’ve gone a day without contact. Do 7 days in a row and you’ve done a week. Do 4 weeks in a row and you’ve done a month. How about every time you think of the OM, you start thinking about how you can love and respect your husband?
It’s not hard. You simply have to decide where you are going to focus your thoughts. You know, hold every thought captive. When you find you are thinking about the wrong things, you stop, and re-focus your line of thinking. It may be hard, but it’s impossible as long as you keep making excuses and don’t engage the help you need.
Again, what works.
1. Telling your spouse. Once that information is out there, it’s tough to keep doing what you are doing. It also happens to be the right thing to do. Marriages cannot be built on lies. Hiding the truth is destructive to the marriage. As it says in Proverbs, you are building your house upon sand. Lying is doing just that, building your house on the shifting sands of your lies.
2. Engage an accountability partner. Not your spouse. But a Godly woman in your church that knows EVERYTHING about the affair. Someone who will go over your cell phone bill and see who you are calling or texting, read your diary, whatever it takes to make your life an open book.
3. Do whatever it takes to establish no contact. If you work with the OM, quit your job. If he’s a member at your gym, go to a new gym. If he’s your neighbor, sell your house and move. No contact is crucial.
4. This should probably be first, read Psalm 51 and pray that prayer. Your sin is against God. David was mentioned. When David’s sin was pointed out, he mourned because he sinned against God. I don’t seen mourning over sinning against God here. I see people who are looking inward, at how tough it is to do the right thing, the excuses.
David didn’t make excuses, he fell to his knees weeping, and cried out to God blot the sin from his life.
I’m not bitter. But I’m disappointed that folks who apparently call themselves Christians fail to see the damage they are doing with their sins. They are mourning how much it hurts them to stop their sin, and little if anything about how their sin hurts Christ, and hurts their family. How hard must one’s heart be, to be so selfish that their primary focus is on how hard it is for them to stop sinning?
There is help. But you cannot keep looking inward, expecting things to change. You must look outside of yourselves. You must look to God, at all times. Especially when you are tempted.
Salvation is not in the other man.
Salvation is not in keeping your affair a secret.
Salvation is not in your inner strength or will-power.
Salvation is not in anything other than Christ.
God designed marriage in a wonderful way. It’s a union of two people who are to look to one another. We are not told to be self reliant, self sufficient. We are told to look to one another. We are told to look to God.
So start doing that today. Every time you think of the OM, stop that and refocus on God or your husband. Pretty soon, you’ll see the OM for who he is. And I’ll bet you really won’t like what you see.
123 Grace // Aug 15, 2008 at 10:28 am
(USA) Tony, I feel like jumping for joy that someone understood how I felt. It felt like it was I who wrote your comment. What you went through was exactly my journey. Mine was driving fast enough over a cliff that the impact I’m sure (I thought) I won’t feel. Good thing the Holy Spirit’s voice is clear and strong in me that helps me make Godly choices.
Weight Loss..ha! 128 lbs to 115 in five days it continued on to 103lbs. The sight of food makes me cry for I know that one bite and the food would just roll around my mouth and could not make myself to swallow it.
Worse feeling is, I was made to feel weird, that I was simply acting strange and insecure–I was the schizo! Seeing my children so wounded in all this. The damage? One could not even imagine if it’s salvageable. But as I hang on to God’s truth and believe that if He is for me..no one can be against me, even if I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I rest my heart in knowing that my understanding and my ways are not HIS. He is all knowing and has a good and perfect will for me. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I still have a long ways to go. I continually choose to forgive my husband every moment everyday. Often it falls short. That’s why I surrender to God so He can have His way with me. If not, this flesh of ours..well you know what it can do.
Please be encouraged that I felt your sincere heart in your comment. The leading and guidance of the Holy Spirit. The truth you shared can be blinding but not for those who are humbled. In fact, in can help set one free–always, the TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!! Pray for me…my dear brother
124 Tony // Aug 15, 2008 at 11:38 am
(USA) Grace, Having been there five years ago, I can still remember. While what I’ve written has been no-holds barred, I can say that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
However, contrary to how it may appear from where you stand, success is no measured by the restoration of your marriage, but how you live out your relationship with Christ. The same is true for the prodigal spouse, but they have the added burden that if the marriage ends, it’s a burden of guilty they will carry.
It’s not easy being either spouse. I can only imagine what it’s like to be the unfaithful spouse. I suspect in many ways it’s much harder, because the guilt is real. In many ways it’s easier, because they are trying to carefully control what is going on. The betrayed spouse typically has little control over what is happening, and often incomplete knowledge.
I am one data point that shows that you can be better after divorce. So it’s a mixed bag. While I don’t spend as much time with my child as I’d like. Shared parenting (and fathers are NEVER visitors, they are dads) doesn’t give either mom or dad daily access.
But the marriage was severely broken. I won’t deny that. But I will never accept that an affair by my former wife was the right thing to do.
But don’t measure your success by the state of the marriage. I believe I’m a success having ended up divorced. I’ve since re-married, after many hours of counseling, therapy, and enough books to open up my own self-help bookstore, LOL.
So I encourage you to ponder, but not dwell on the fact that not all marriages are saved. You do have a better chance, since men are far more likely to return to the marriage after their affairs than are women.
I worked with Dr Harley’s outfit, and Steve, his son was quite candid that when women leave, they typically are done, and even if the men become Christ-like, few return.
Betrayed wives have a much better chance of putting their marriage back together again.
Personally, I think this pretty much refutes that men are unable to admit they are wrong. That’s a pretty big wrong, and if men are more likely than women to return, it kinda kills that stereotype that men can’t admit they are wrong.
Anyway, success is not measured by your marriage, it’s measured by your relationship with God.
Of course, having an affair is a prime indicator that your relationship with God is lacking, and therefore, are not really successful.
125 Pilot // Aug 15, 2008 at 11:33 pm
(USA) Hello Everyone, I am a 45 year old airline captain, and have been married for 15 years. I have never cheated on my wife, or done anything that came even close to it, and started an affair 4 months ago with one of my female co-pilots. It came completely unexpected,and we fell deeply in love with each other during a trip. A feeling that neither of us had ever experienced before on this level.
I have met thousands of people in my career all over the globe, and thought to have a good knowledge of people.
Knowing others: yes. Knowing myself: No.
It is the worst mistake I have ever made in my entire life. It still scares me, what this affair is doing and has done to me, and how I am capable of lying and being dishonest to people I love. This is truly a lesson in self-knowledge and humility. An affair is a direct result of some lack in your emotional life. Some people say they are bored in the relationship they are in, others seek adventure, others simply don’t know.
I try to find out how I got sucked into this complete romantic disaster, and cannot find a rational answer. Once you fall in love with someone, your reasoning stops to work in a normal way. There lays the problem. Love truly makes you blind.
Always able to handle almost any situation, I could not deal with my emotional problem that has developed over the past 4 months.
We both realize what we are doing is completely wrong, and have been trying to stop it since the start. She does not want me to leave my wife for her, and I don’t want her to feel like the other person. I loved this woman for a different reason than I love my wife for. Sounds impossible but true.
I have not slept with my wife since we have been having this affair, as I see that as cheating on the "girlfriend". This is so wrong, that it makes me sick. Never having fallen in love with someone so deeply, I had no idea I was capable of such things. There is no logical explanation.
We slowly have been separating and concluded that breaking up is the thing to do. Both being rational people, it is working, and we talk almost daily about this to make sure we don’t get emotional involved again. It is good to be both on the same page, and we both want an end to this. A rational approach and realization that we were both at the wrong time at the wrong place, makes us understand that this affair is impossible and wrong on every level.
We started it off on a mutual feeling of caring about each other and enjoying each other’s company. Affairs always start innocent, but escalate into ultimate disaster. It is like an airplane crash. You have to avoid it with all means possible. There is no exception to the rule. Affairs are based on illusions, and lack of knowledge and lack of information about the other person or lack of self-knowledge.
I can totally relate to some of the comments posted before, where you were comparing an affair to an addiction. It totally is. It is worse. It is a curse that haunts your soul and preoccupies your mind constantly. Steer away from it when you see it coming because it is guaranteed disaster. It is a thunderstorm you do not want to be caught up in.
I am very glad that the two of us were able to stop the affair, while still being able to talk and work as professionals. You have to know yourself first, before you start to get to know someone else. This is the problem in life. Easy said, impossible to achieve in our daily lives.
This whole situation was a very frightening experience, and has taught me a lot about myself and my emotions. It has also shown me how stupid I was to even consider risking my marriage with a wonderful loving wife.
There is simply no excuse, no explanation for what happened, and to all of you out there, I can tell you it will happen to a lot of people. I see it daily, and I was always the one to tell people to do the right thing, and not to get involved in these kind of things.
Please use the little common sense that is left when you fall in love with someone else, to straighten out your situation, because affairs have absolutely no future. Everybody makes the same mistakes it seems like, and I considered myself to be the last person to ever be in this position. Lesson learned.
Also,the Boss up There, has taught me the hardest lesson in life with this situation. It is not simple to go against your heart and against your emotional feelings once the process has started.
Let me tell you that flying a 700,000 lbs jet is nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to what I went through the past 4 months. It was an emotional hell!!!!! Living a double life is horrible. It consumes you from within, and slowly destroys your being. It destroys you entirely, and it pushes your limits and boundaries in every way. It changes you in to a person you don’t want to see when you look in the mirror. It eats away your soul and you don’t even see it until other people start asking you what is wrong.
I try to be a good person in life, and try to do the right things in life,with being a good example to people around me.
It just shows that the trap is set out there to all of us and it has a very nice wrapper around it.
Be very careful,and be warned by everybody who has dealt with this, that there is simply not a good outcome to an affair.
Fight it as hard as you can when it sneaks up on you. You will be very grateful afterward. Knowing everything now, I would never have started this, and neither would she. She is a good person too, and has a good heart. We really felt like soul mates, but reality is something you simply cannot ignore in life. Our society is a perfect frame these days for the illusion that an affair really is. It is a fake concept, an escape from things you don’t want to deal with. It is fun at the time, but the price you pay is beyond comprehension. Nothing is worth it.
Learn from other people’s mistakes, or experience it yourself if you want to shorten your life with 10 years, but try as hard as you can not to hurt other people or yourself in the roller coaster ride. It is a very turbulent and painful ride let me tell you. Peace and sympathy to all of you. Be strong.
126 Lucy // Aug 16, 2008 at 8:56 am
(ENGLAND) Hi, I am not sure if this is the right place to post this but I am desperately unhappy and needing guidance and support.
My husband of 8 years moved out of our marital home in February 08 saying that he needed some space after he had gone through an horrendous time with his business (he was almost made bankrupt). I had had 3 jobs for 3 years to support us as a family whilst he built the business. But the UK economy has been so bad that the company finances got out of hand because he is not very good with money and made some bad decisions about the finances.
During the past 18 months I have lost both my parents (one I nursed through the latter stages of cancer) and had major surgery for suspected cancer myself, only 6 weeks after losing my mum. I love my husband dearly and we had a wonderfully fulfilling relationship both emotionally and sexually until I had my surgery in June 07. We had been arguing a lot about finances and fear of the debts until we could no longer communicate.
However, we had just begun to get back on track when the business pressures mounted and we nearly lost everything. He signed the house over to me to protect it and then when he sold his business he took the money from that sale which was about equal. He told me he still loved me but needed some time to sort himself out and we continued having a marital relationship and even went on a cruise together at the end of February 08 for his 50th birthday with our son.
Then in April 08 I found out that he had made plans to travel around Europe for 3 months as part of his need to find himself again! Whilst he was away we remained in daily contact and I joined him in May for a week in Milan. He then sent me 12 long stemmed red roses for my birthday in June with emails telling me how much he loved and adored me and was looking forward to coming home. We also planned another holiday with friends in August.
Then the bombshell came on 25th June! He had met a French woman who was 15 years his junior, widowed just 12 months and had 3 tiny children under 4 years old! He had been with her only a week but was ‘madly in love’ and they where planing to spend the rest of their lives together in the South of France!
He has been back in England on and off sorting out his affairs several times since. Each time he is not with her he tells me he still loves me and is torn between the two of us. He tells me he loves me but he is ‘in love’ with her and can’t give her up because it would destroy her as she only lost her husband 12 months ago in a tragic accident. She is wealthy, young and very passionate.
I have been told by mutual friends that their relationship is very sexual and passionate and they tell everyone it will ‘always be this way’. He is telling me that he loves me enough to come home to me if it doesn’t work out but believes he wouldn’t have a right to come home or deserve to come back. He says that if he doesn’t go he will wake up every day and wonder ‘what if’ and we would never be happy. But if he goes and it isn’t right for them then he would come back for the right reasons.
I know people will think I am mad for even considering having him back but I am a Christian woman who believes in the commitment of marriage. I love my husband very much and we had a great marriage until 9 months ago. I am so very very lost and want so much for him to come home. He knows this and thinks he can have his cake and eat it therefore. What can I do to protect myself emotionally and be strong? I want him home but because he wants to be with me more than her not only out of duty. Lucy
127 Angel // Aug 16, 2008 at 9:01 am
(USA) This is very good hearing from the male in the situation. It is good to hear the feelings are similar …I do think it’s easier for the male to detach but maybe that’s because I am not male. Thank you for posting.
I really do wish I could go back, hit rewind, and chose to go to the beach for 4 days alone to sort my marriage problems out, than meet this guy that became an albatross around my neck for 18 months choking the very life out of me and my relationship with God. I would never do it again. Know too that once you have done this you are vulnerable to doing it again with another. Be vigilant for the enemy is like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour.
AS LT would say we look for comfort in people when we need to look to Him. If you haven’t had an affair and are just thinking about it or doing the one time thing… don’t… it’s like a cocaine rush and addiction… and it never stops pulling at you. So stop now. Angel
128 Tony // Aug 16, 2008 at 10:29 am
(USA) Sorry, I don’t buy the it’s easier for a male to detach.
How attached are these women having affairs to their own husbands? The very act of having an affair shows how easier it was for them to detach from their husbands, the very person they are to be most closely attached.
So I’m not buying the, "it’s harder for women to detach…" line. The behavior of the unfaithful spouse demonstrates that detachment is possible for them. Look how detached they are from their husbands, they are having an affair with another man. Nope, it’s pure selfishness. They don’t want to detach from the other man. Sorry, I’m not buying it.
Scripture tells us there is ALWAYS a way out of sin. Bluntly, the Bible is saying there are NO excuses for sin, and no excuses for staying in sin. The first step is to come face to face with that reality, that there are no excuses.
129 Angel // Aug 16, 2008 at 1:24 pm
(USA) BTW That was to Pilot. Thanks for sharing the male side of an affair from soeone who expierenced it and did it themselves.
For Tony:
Tony I know you are in pain, and I recognize that these feelings are your and that you own them.
That saying this board is basically for people in the midst of an affair to come to and find help and healing from others who have done the same thing.
A. We have come here to do just that. If we did not want help then we would not be here.
B. These are our true feelings we own them and like it or not its what we are feeling.
C. Women are more emotional creatures we aren’t the right brain rational male. Our emotions drive us albeit it right or wrong.
D. We are not perfect and at least we are seeking help.
E. I have been away from my former partner almost 4 months now due to the help from LT and the ladies here. Had I been judged by someone I’d have probably turnt tail and run.
F. My God is a God of restoration. Jesus would not expect everytime someone sinned for them to have to have their children, parents, friends and everyone know. If they are walking a better path and turning away why drag them down with shame and exposure and ruin the life of the kids and parents too. Regardless of what parents do kids don’t need to be hearing bad things about their parents. It solves nothing. It is NEVER in the best interest of the children to put adult issues on them. If my husband was an ax murder I would never down talk him to my children.
G. Soul ties do form, its scriptutal and those sould ties cause the emotional jaunts and depression. A woman that doe not care who she sleeps with doesn’t have those, at least we have a consciounce.
H. You are NOT in my shoes…I have made a 4 month break its over and my husband, parents and children do NOT need to know. I am tested CLEAN and God an I are moving past this. YOU have not been on this side of the fence and I don’t expect you to understand where I am coming from, or the loss I felt, or the emotional torment I had. Yes I was an adultress, yes it was wrong. But the feelings I felt afterwards are normal and as humans we always grieve relationship loss.
I AM sorry for your hurt. But our feelings are very real and they are not wrong.
130 LT // Aug 16, 2008 at 1:43 pm
(USA) Hi Pilot, Grace and Lucy,
Pilot, thanks so much for your candor and sharing your story. I agree with everything you’ve written.
To Grace and Lucy - here is a book I recently finished. It’s geared toward relationships with infidelity but is a good reference for anyone facing a tough situation with a loved one where you would have to make a decision that, at the time, may not feel like love even though it actually is. This concept is best put in the analogy of a parent with their child - there are some things you want for them because it is best, even though it’s not what they want for themselves. See I Corinthians 13 for God’s definition of what love is and isn’t. I’ll let you read the book yourselves instead of giving any more info on it. I don’t want to add to much of my own opionions on it so I’ll let the book speak for itself. But I think you two ladies will find it particularly useful considering your situations right now.
Love Must be Tough by James Dobson (head of Focus on the Family)
Another one that is quite good is His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. It gives the breakdown of why affairs (for most cases) happen and, having had one myself in the past, I certainly agree with his findings and observations. And if you’re trying to rebuild a marriage after an affair, it’s good for that, too, to become aware of how to make a marriage better and "affair-proof" as much as it’s possible.
Now, for those of you who don’t already know from my previous posts, I guess I fall into the "minority" for why I had an affair. Firstly - there’s no way of excusing it or justifying it, if you are Christian, so I’m not saying that, I simply want to point out that, apparently from what I’m reading (and I’m reading a LOT of different stuff), people in abusive marriages are the minority of adultery commiters.
Well, I was in an abusive marriage and it still continues to be verbally abusive so it’s still a troubled marriage in my case. But my point in writing it is that regardless of why you have an affair (whether your marriage is perfect or not), someone has an affair because they are lacking something from their current partner. And sometimes this happens with only one, perhaps neither, of the partners even being aware of it until it’s too late.
Now this speaks to ALL married people - regardless of whether you are the perpertrator or victim of infidelity. It happens because something is WRONG in the marriage so let us all take that to heart and it’s also addressed in the Love Must be Tough book as well as His Needs, Her Needs.
What I’ve learned is that, my relationship with Christ at the time I "stepped out," so many years ago, was very lacking. It wasn’t until that grew, that I stopped looking to people for fulfillment that only God can give. So I suffered with the temptation of that, even long after my actual affair ended.
I still do not get emotional fulfillment from my husband and the relationship is still unhealthy and there are many issues to be dealt with but now, God makes up for that instead of me looking to people (or any other physical fulfillment) in place of God.
I hope this helps and speaks to some of you in some way. To Grace and Lucy, I recommend those books to you. I also recommend the following link as I think it will be more helpful to you than this page :
http://www.marriagemissions.com/dealing-with-anger-and-grief-after-the-betrayal/
That article, as well as those who post there, can probably much more relate to your situation than the people on this page will be able to. The people posting here are looking to work through the process of ending an affair but can’t really relate (that I know of) to being the one "cheated on," so I think this other page would probably be more helpful.
Also - if you are interested in Willard Harley’s info, before you read any of his books, you can get an idea of what he does and how he learned what he’s learned at his website http://www.marriagebuilders.com
Thanks and God bless, LT
131 Tony // Aug 16, 2008 at 7:27 pm
(USA) Angel, For one, you don’t know my feelings. What you wrongly interpret as hurt is nothing like you can even imagine.
It’s disgust! In many ways, I feel sorry for those who are making excuses for their sin. In no way am I saying I don’t sin. I do. But you don’t have to be a slave to sin. As long as one is making excuses for their sin, they ARE defeated. But they are only defeating themselves.
While all that about right brain, left brain, emotional vs logical may be true, the bottom line is God’s not going to say, well since she’s emotional, her sin is OK.
Frankly, I wonder about anyone who excuses their sin if they really KNOW Christ. If they are really under the blood. Because if they knew Christ, if they had that relationship with Him, I don’t see how they could in what appears to be such a cavalier fashion make excuses for their sin.
To me, all that right brain, left brain stuff is nothing but an excuse. It’s too hard because I’m leading with my feelings.
It’s not wrong to be influenced by your feelings. The problem comes when we put ourselves first. Either our logic, or our feelings above everything else. Either way, it’s sin, and the wages of sin is death.
So I have to wonder if those who keep saying it’s so hard to quit sinning, are really under the blood of Christ. I’m not saying you are or are not. I don’t know. But I would encourage anyone, regardless of whether they are driven by feelings or logic, how they could possibly claim Christ, claim to be washed by the blood, claim His victory over sin, if they cannot give up their sin.
I know some here have. I know others haven’t.
Like I’ve said before, there is hope. But hope is not manifested in excuses, in any side of the brain, in any level of personal strength, etc. It’s in Christ. Anything else is just excuses.
Angel, you opened with a faulty assumption about my pain. I’m scarred, but I’m not in pain. So now I’m sickened by what I see. Many who claim to know Christ, but can’t tap into HIS strength to stop doing what they know is right.
I see more energy put into making excuses than I see in claiming the promises of Christ. There is no temptation common to man that we cannot overcome in Christ. There are NO excuses when that is the fact.
So it doesn’t matter if you are right brained or left brained. What matters is will you meditate on Christ, and what He’s done for you. Will you meditate on the victory already won for you, and turn from sin. Any sin. Not just the infidelity with your OM or OW, but your failure to have faith in Christ.
When I read how hard it is used to explain why folks keep going back to the lover, that’s nothing more than either a lack of faith, or the selfish unwillingness to do the right thing.
If there is any pain, it’s the mourning I have for folks who either don’t really know Christ, and are going to be in deep trouble when they face the Father, or how they are defeated victors. They have victory in their hands, provided by Christ, but are unable to see it, and cling to the excuses and lies they believe about their own inability to capitalize on the victory already provided to them in Christ.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I know I can do ALL THINGS in Christ who strengthens me. So anytime I read someone saying how tough it is, I have to wonder why they lack the faith to call on that promise and ask God to make that true in their lives.
So instead of being right minded or left minded, why not adopt the mind of Christ?
Quitting one’s affair, or any addiction is first to recognize that in your own strength you don’t have the power, but with God’s strength, there is nothing you cannot overcome. Is that pain? Nope. That’s faith Angel. So stop the excuses. Refuse to accept them from others, and refuse to let them leave your lips or keyboard.
And stop trying to make this about me. Not only are you wrong, but it takes away from the real message, that there is Victory in Jesus. Anything else is just a lame excuse.
132 Tony // Aug 16, 2008 at 7:40 pm
(USA) Angel, Your feelings are real. But if they lead you into sin, they are certainly wrong.
133 Angel // Aug 16, 2008 at 9:55 pm
(USA) Tony I am out of sin, thank you. I am forgiven. Been out 4 months..but grief is grief. It’s called breaking soul ties. The fact that you wanted to kill your ex wife’s BF shows me bitterness.
134 GRACE // Aug 16, 2008 at 11:02 pm
(USA) LT, I know your heart is in the right place and I thank you for your book recommendation. But I too, am ready to open my own bookstore with all the books I’ve read. Every book has been of great help because I choose only the ones that are in the Word and biblically backed-up. Otherwise I wouldn’t want any of it. Love, Life for Every Married Couple by Dr. Ed Wheat is one that helped me the most.
I hope this helps and speaks to some of you in some way. To Grace and Lucy, I recommend those books to you. I also recommend the following link as I think it will be more helpful to you than this page:
http://www.marriagemissions.com/dealing-with-anger-and-grief-after-the-betrayal/
It felt more like your telling Lucy and I, what to do, and our thoughts here are not appropriately geared. I was drawn to share my thoughts here through the leadings, and what was laid by the Holy Spirit, in my heart. I believe it is the only the Holy Spirit who could truly manifest this to me and not by anyone else. Of course, I have been moved by so many here and have helped me understand a lot of things. In fact, that was one of my purpose. To understand the other side (from the standpoint of the OW) that my compassion and love grows deeper. My forgiveness should be as Christ gives it–unconditional. So I ask to be cleared on this. Are you suggesting that we do not participate in this topic?
The people posting here are looking to work through the process of ending an affair but can’t really relate (that I know of) to being the one "cheated on," so I think this other page would probably be more helpful.
I didn’t know that this topic is exclusive. As I have learned so much from some of you here, I pray that our journey may be of an understanding and benefit to you as well. Please read all my comments and tell me what offends you. If it does, I apologize for making you feel that way, but I can not apologize to what is TRUE to God’s word.
"can’t really relate"? Or won’t? Is our pain too convicting? I am here with an open heart. To embrace all of you and know that in the end we all are God’s children. True, bottom line, the real pain here is when one of us fail to be humbled and accept the victory that was already won by that MAN on the cross–my Jesus, our Jesus.
I humbly turn and give you my other cheek and thank you nonetheless for your comment. Yes..that was how it felt.
135 Grace // Aug 16, 2008 at 11:10 pm
(USA) Also…I pray that we ask the HOLY SPIRIT to be the sole moderator of this topic.
136 Tony // Aug 17, 2008 at 12:20 am
(USA) Sure, 5 years ago. I told my story. It didn’t happen yesterday. It appears you are assuming that I’m just going through this. I’m not. But I did share quite candidly what it was like back in 2003.
But like I’ve said before, this is not about me. I’m sharing what I know, from a far different perspective than you currently have.
You see, I spent a great deal of time during my wife’s affair, not only studying what Dr Harley teaches, but also in the word of God. That’s why the OM is still living today. Because I loved God more than I hated what he and my former wife were doing to my family.
I know about affairs, I know about hurt, and I know excuses and changing the subject when I see it.
If you haven’t broken the soul ties, then how can you say you are out? I’m just asking? If you are still emotionally hung up on the OM, and unwilling to be 100% open and honest with your husband about what you did, then you are still in the wayward mindset.
I don’t think Dr Harley advises that anyone keep the secret.
What does scripture say one is to do if they sin against their brother? It says to go to them. (Matthew 5:23) You can’t reconcile the sin against your husband if you don’t tell him what you’ve done. Ending the affair is a good FIRST STEP, but the next step, is to confess this to your husband. Even if he doesn’t know about it, is something he rightfully has against you, and James 5:23 applies here.
If I understand correctly, you are unwilling to go to your husband and share the truth with him. I’m sorry, but that’s not what the Bible teaches us. We are taught in numerous places to confess our sins. Not just an anonymous internet thread, but to folks who we live with on a day to day basis. Folks that will hold us accountable.
So if you’ve not confessed to your husband, I believe scripture tells us you are still in sin.
Is it tough? Sure. Will he get upset? Maybe. Would it be a good idea to do this in the pastor’s office or some place where your safety is assured? Maybe, I don’t know your husband.
I know when I confronted my former wife, I was so cool about it it was surreal. I felt nothing at all at that time. I had already processed the pain and the anger, and put it away for that meeting.
It came back from time to time days and months later when she didn’t even try to end the affair, made all sorts of lame excuses about how it was a mistake to marry, they were soul mates, the kids would be alright, God had already forgiven her, told her the OM was the right one for her. So I’ve heard most if not all the excuses. My radar is finely tuned for that sort of excuse making or lame justification.
So are you forgiven by your husband? Have you confessed to him? If not, I think you are still sinning against God, based on the Word of God. If you have a soul tie to any man other than your husband, are you not still sinning against both God and your husband? You vowed before both that your husband would be the only man you were united with, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
To still have a soul tie with any other man is a violation of this vow. You said you were breaking the soul tie, which according to my 8th grade grammar indicates an on-going soul tie that is not severed. So you may be on the right track, and I applaud you for that. I think you still have many steps to take.
I just encourage you to drop the excuses, quit saying how hard it is, and quit saying you can not be obedient and confess your sin to your husband, and call upon the Holy Spirit to lead you to follow the Word in this matter.
God is not going to tell you that you don’t have to confess to your husband. If you think you are hearing that, check scripture to see if it ever says do not confess to the ones you’ve sinned against.
You’ve sinned against God, you’ve sinned against your husband, and if the OM is married, you’ve sinned against his wife as well. You’ve sinned against the OM.
In cases of an affair, Dr Harley often advises writing a "No Contact" letter where you make it clear to the OM that the affair is over.
What you may consider is that when you decide to tell your husband, you have a pre-drafted copy of your No Contact letter that you send to the OM, and if married, his wife. where you not only re-assert No Contact, but you confess that your affair was a sin against God, your family and him and his family. I would ask for their forgiveness, but also ask that neither he, nor his wife respond, to simply forgive, silently and perhaps letting him know that you have forgiven him for his sin against you and your family.
This will do two things. It will satisfy your obligation to seek forgiveness from those you’ve wronged, such as the OM and his wife if he is married. It will also demonstrate to your husband that you are serious about seeking his forgiveness and that you’ve burnt the bride to the OM.
I would never advise one who follows Christ to keep a sin against another, especially one with whom we are to have the most intimate of all relationships, a spouse.
It doesn’t matter if your spouse is abusive, or will divorce you, etc. If you need safety, then do it in a safe place. What matters most is that you obey God.
That is the only thing that comes before your marriage, your obedience to God.
You see, I could have killed the OM, and that may have saved my former marriage. But it’s not about doing ANYTHING to save the marriage. It’s about doing things God’s way and living with the outcome. Sometimes, the outcome is divorce.
But I can rest in the fact that I did it God’s way. I was faithful and obedient. So even though my former marriage ended, I am blessed with a far better relationship with my child, and a far better marriage with my new bride.
So divorce, while painful is not the end of the world. For me, having my ex-wife choose to divorce me, while at the time, it seemed to be the end of the world. It was really the opening of a door to a more beautiful and fulfilling life.
However, I don’t think that door would have been opened to me, had I chosen a sinful path. So I’m not encouraging anyone in a bad marriage to choose divorce. I think that is the wrong thing to do.
I do encourage all who are unhappy in their marriages, to turn to God. I can’t think of anything worse than a spouse who is unfaithful. I’ve been beaten up, survived near-death illness, lost loved ones, and the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced was the affair of my former wife.
God provided my bride at just the right time, when I was done mourning my divorce. He provided when he knew I was healed.
But God doesn’t provide in a sinful fashion. So those who think their affair partner is from God need to read their Bibles a bit more. Those relationships never prosper. Look at the drama in David’s life after his affair with Bathsheba. That certainly was not a relationship that brought him prosperity. It brought him grief the rest of his days. And he was FORGIVEN by God, yet still suffered the consequences of his actions.
So anyone, not just Angel, leave your affair partners today. Look at the trouble King David brought upon his own house due to his affairs. Repent and confess, not only to God, but your spouse. Seek forgiveness, not only from God, but from your spouse, the OP and if they are married, their spouse. You’ve sinned against all of them.
Scripture tells us that we must seek forgiveness from those we’ve wronged. It also tells us that sin may be pleasing for a season, but we will suffer for it. Hebrews 11:23-25 and many references elsewhere regarding ways that seem right to mankind, but lead to death, how we reap what we sow, more than what we sow, and later than when we so.
So if we sow sin into our lives, it may seem good now, but it will be worse. While it seems right not to tell, not to confess, I believe based on scripture, this is just reaping more seeds of sin into our lives, and what will grow from the seeds of that sin will be far worse later on down the road, than if we just obeyed and confessed today.
Easy? No. But Christ and His Holy Spirit can make it possible for anyone to follow in obedience.
137 Angel // Aug 17, 2008 at 9:36 am
(USA) The soul ties are gone. It took 3 months or longer. Anytime you have put 18 months into something, feelings will not leave overnight. We are on no contact. I do not feel that way anymore. I am not sinning with him and that’s the bottom line. Now I work on building my relationship back with my husband. The OM wife does not know about me. He has protected me. She only knows about a former GF. Once again my husband will never know. I have made my peace with God and I am ok. I have not been with him since May 5 and it’s almost September and I’m doing OK. This sin I have confessed to Jesus and Him only..and that’s as far as it’s going.
138 ME // Aug 17, 2008 at 10:27 am
(USA) Hello everyone
I want to say a little something I’m feeling today. I have purposely not written since you joined Tony, because you had me very concerned with your own words regarding "kill".
I do not need to be reminded that I have sinned Tony. I don’t need to be reminded that I need to have "no contact" with the OM. I don’t need to be reminded about scriptures, I don’t need to be reminded of how many people I have hurt through all this. I know all of this….I’m here to get help from others that have gone through this and hopefully gain some insight to change my way of life for the better.
I have met a lot of wonderful women on this site and until now….I have become bitter from a lot of things you continue writing. I do applaud you for some of the things you have said the first time you wrote, but stop repeating yourself. Also, you said this happened 5 years ago and you’re with someone else now….THEN WHY are you on this website trying to belittle the women here (including myself) telling us what we’ve done wrong and who we’ve hurt. Why are you here if you’re so happy with your life now. You should be seeking vacation spots for you and yours..not on this type of website. And if you’re still hurt by your past, then seek professional help. Anyone who has had "thoughts" of killing another person or him/herself needs seriously professional help and is a BIG SIN (as if you did) I’m not, by all means yelling here, but just pointing out the obvious. I know your mission was to educate us as to what the man spouse feels because you were the one betrayed…and thank you for your information, but you need to move on to another site that better fits your needs. IF you say you have moved on, ( i don’t think so). I think your bitter toward ALL women that have had the unfortunate experience to have been smitten and fallin into the web of infidelity. We weren’t seeking this web purposely and we don’t blame anyone but ourselves. We ARE seeking help and found this site and believe if WE all were not on this site, we’d still be out there. Thank goodness we have the strength within to know the best thing for our hearts, souls and people around us. I hope you and yours are able to live a long happy and healthy life Tony. Just remember one thing, your ex sought other attention because you were not fulfilling her emotional needs. This my friend is speaking from a woman’s point of view.
As for me, I have had no contact with the OM since Nov. 07. I HAVE come a long way in this, but I will not let anyone tell me that I’m still sinning because I have REAL feelings. Hey….at least I have feelings. Like one said above, people that don’t get emotionally attached can have these affairs over and over. They are the ones with NO REAL FEELINGS. I believe that anyone who gets any type if help, through professionals, books, scriptures and even websites as this all have true emotional feelings but know the difference between right and wrong. We need more positive re-enforcement, not to be talked down on.
I need to digress.
I will also continue praying for all the men and women on this site. hugs to all
ME
139 Janina // Aug 17, 2008 at 3:48 pm
(USA) I will read over and over again the first post by pilot. I can easily imagine that it was my co-adulterer that wrote it. Since I knew him and we had a ten year emotional affair then once consummated, it didn’t even last a year. The only reason he gave me when he stopped calling is that it’s hurting the both of us and love doesn’t disappear but he’s doing it because it’s the right thing to do.
I didn’t believe him and still didn’t till I read pilot’s post. I thought his wife found out, or is checking his phone bills. I even imagined he was gay for not sleeping with me anymore! Ha! Yet in pilot’s post I see that a man can choose the right thing and they can hurt from an affair. I assumed they could separate it all. Yet my former co-adulterer always seemed to be the one more in love when we were together. It wasn’t till he broke it off that I became obsessed. Thanks Pilot for speaking to my soul and letting me see the other side so articulately.
140 LT // Aug 17, 2008 at 5:55 pm
(USA) Hi Janina, How rejoicing when God uses others to help us and open our eyes to something for which we had questions.
Perhaps you were praying about that and asking for answers? I sense from the Holy Spirit maybe you were. I support people going to God for the answers they seek and not to the former "affair partner."
I believe God speaks to our hearts in a way so much greater than we can ever envision, it’s a matter of being open to it. I’ve experienced that personally so many times and I rejoice at hearing when it happens to others as well. Ask and it will be given, seek and you will find. Praise our wonderful God.
141 Tony // Aug 17, 2008 at 6:46 pm
(USA) To all who are so focused on feelings. I have to ask why it appears you are trapped in such feelings? I don’t doubt you feel strongly about the OM, what you had. I guess what confuses me, is that you appear to be all wrapped up in feelings that were based on a lie. Frankly, that concerns me.
So I don’t doubt you have or had strong feelings. But why, now that you are face to face with the reality that an affair is just like raping your husband, that you still cling to those feelings?
It seems to me, that there is a certain romantic sentiment to the feelings. That you are hanging on to them, even though you know they were based on lies and sin? When I see that, I find it hard to believe that you really have let go of the OM.
You see to me, the feelings are far worse than the actions, because they seem to drive so much of the behavior. When combined with the near universal refusal to be 100% open and honest with your spouses, when scripture clearly says that you are to confess your sins and seek to reconcile the sin with those against whom you’ve sinned, it really appears to me that you are still in the wayward mindset. You still want to do things your way, not God’s way.
So, I’m telling you what it looks like from here. Your husbands may not know. But don’t think they don’t know something is wrong. They do.
I don’t think you have to be trapped, or powerless to what you feel. I’m not saying that you just stop feeling it. What I’m saying is every time you do, imagine the feelings of those who’ve been betrayed. If you want to feel, put yourselves in your spouses place. I don’t see much of that being done, and it looks selfish from my side of the internet.
I don’t say this to beat up on you. I say it so you know how it looks from the perspective of the betrayed spouse.
I hope you find it helpful, so that you can use the victory Christ has already provided, and confess to your spouses what you’ve done.
The only way it ever begins to heal, even if they don’t know, is when you tell them. As long as one refuses to tell, they are imprisoned by their secret sin.
I can’t make you agree with me. I’m certainly not trying to beat anyone about the head and shoulders. But it does concern me when someone says they don’t need scripture. We all need scripture. Even Christ referred to God’s word.
So if Christ needed scripture, how can any one of us say we don’t need the Word of God?
142 LT // Aug 17, 2008 at 9:06 pm
(USA) Hi Grace, No offense was intended. (I wouldn’t be much of a Christian if I were purposely trying to offend people
) I apologize if any was received or implied. God bless.
143 ME // Aug 18, 2008 at 5:46 am
(USA) Hello all, Looks like we’re just going back and forth on "feelings". I have feelings because God gave me the opportunity to feel. There are people that do not have that blessing due to birth defects.
Tony, you say feelings are far more than actions, that it’s like raping the other spouse…etc….I disagree with you 100%. Feelings are part of what God has given all of us. I have told my husband, and most of us on this page have too. You are talking to a VERY small % of folks on this page. Again, stop repeating yourself with the "rape" thing you so have embedded in your head. As far as "feelings" are far more than actions? Although I disagree with you, you’re just bashing yourself when you say that. Be careful.
I also believe those who have yet admitted to their spouse will do it in time, because I too agree with you, the truth will set you free. I know it was a big load off of my shoulders. But everyone has their own time to do things.
Also, maybe you have misread or maybe it’s me, but no one here has refused to read the Bible. We all have, we all are, and we all continue to. We all do not need to be reminded. With all the scriptures that women provide on this page, how can you say we don’t read scriptures?
I pray for you that you can put your anger somewhere else besides this site. Again, you should be looking on sites to surprise your bride instead of wasting your time and effort trying to say things on this site that are negative. You may need more help than you think Tony, because no matter what we say, you’re just not going to understand and twist things around.
Move on with you and yours and quit wasting your efforts on this site. Not to be negative, but you may find yourself alone again for not providing her emotional needs again.
me
144 Tony // Aug 18, 2008 at 6:56 am
(USA) ME, Let me see if I understand this. I describe feelings I had, five years ago that I did not even act upon, and you are concerned.
At the same time, you are trying to assure me that while you have feelings even today, that you acted upon in the past, that my concerns are not warranted. Do you see how it might be a bit difficult for me to accept that? Do you see how it might appear to be a blame-shift, or shifting the focus?
145 Grace // Aug 18, 2008 at 7:34 am
(USA) LT… please know that I won’t take this as an offense and allow God to help me see you all through His eyes.
Please pray for me. Today is not a good day. I believe my husband has started getting in touch with the OW again. I hold on to God’s promise. I feel there’s not much I can do. Pray LT that God will clearly reveal to me what I should do. The pain is intense, but I feel there is a level of release as well. Pray for my protection.
I want everyone to know, that you all have helped me so much. You can’t imagine how much. I may not be in the right topic, but I am so glad the Holy Spirit led me here. I wish I could all hug you. That’s how much love God has given me here for all of you. Isn’t that amazing? How God can do that?
His mercies are new every morning. I know He hears my plea.
146 Tony // Aug 18, 2008 at 8:01 am
(USA) ME, Don’t just take my word for the comparison to rape, I’ll quote Dr Harley, who has dealt with thousands of cases of unfaithful spouses. Here is what he has to say at the following URL http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
"The question I am most frequently asked by visitors to this web site is "how can I survive my spouse’s affair?" After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse’s unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I’ve counseled who have had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse’s unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once."
My concern is that this damage done is very real, and I don’t believe we should minimize or dismiss the damage done.
I can’t imagine how once someone who knows Christ could even begin to give excuses, offer rationale, or any such actions for an affair, or say how difficult it is to stop, knowing they are doing emotional damage that exceeds the damage done by rape to their spouse.
Is it uncomfortable? Sure. But if it prevents one spouse from having an affair, or convinces a wayward to end his/her affair rather than have to look at one’s self and understand they are doing that sort of damage, then what I’ve written and shared has value here.
147 ME // Aug 18, 2008 at 8:52 am
(USA) Grace…hang in there…my prayers are with you all the way!!!! me
148 Grace // Aug 18, 2008 at 11:55 am
(USA) Thanks Me.. I know God is for me.. My heart is screaming in pain..but big decisions are ahead of me. I will consider today pure joy. This year I will have a great Christmas!! God knows the desires of my heart and what is good for me and for His glory.
149 Angel // Aug 18, 2008 at 8:03 pm
(USA) There is a surviving infidelity thread on here Tony you may wish to read and participate in.
150 Janina // Aug 18, 2008 at 8:33 pm
(USA) Thanks for listening and responding Lt . I just read Pilot’s post again and it’s sooo powerful! It’s an answer, but not one I prayed for, because I never asked God why. That would make me so ashamed to do that. Yet by grace I did receive an answer. While we were yet sinners, Christ died.
151 Mahal // Aug 19, 2008 at 2:48 am
(USA) It’s been 8 days of NO CONTACT for me. At first, I was counting hours, now I’m counting days. It gets better everyday by God’s grace. My appetite is better, my sleeping pattern is getting there and the crying time has absolutely changed.
Every time I’m tempted to send the OM a message, I look back of the 8 guiltless days that I have started and get onto my knees and pray for strength. This website has been a great help to me as well. At my lowest point, I log in to this site and read all over again all the messages posted and be encouraged to move on and be on the winning team. Thank you all for being my prayer partners and let’s continue to uphold everyone in prayer.
Thanks, PILOT for your message. It’s very powerful, an eye opener, honest and non-judgmental. I read it over and over and convince myself that this is the OM talking to me. And it helps…LOL.
This is MAHAL, and I choose to be in the winning team (by God’s grace).
152 LT // Aug 19, 2008 at 6:19 am
(USA) Hi Grace, Thanks for your note. I’ll certainly keep you in my prayers.
153 Nibor // Aug 21, 2008 at 12:51 pm
(USA) Wow, I can’t believe all of the postings I have been reading. I have experienced most of these and also do know I need to end it, which is what lead me to this site. I have related it to a roller coaster ride to him with all the ups and downs. We know we need to stop this and can’t seem to, so yes it is like a drug. We both have tried to end it at least 3 times in the last year. And it was dreadful for me… I am on an anti-depressant. I know it is because of this affair. And the worse part is, I know he isn’t "in" to me as I am to him. However we enjoy each other’s company. I see now it is because of the addiction. What a eye opener.
And I also would like to thank "Pilot" for his input. That helps me to understand also. Especially since we work together and I can’t leave this job, and I’m not sure if he can. It will be difficult, but with better understanding through the postings I may be able to do this soon.
154 Marie // Aug 25, 2008 at 9:45 pm
(US) Oh…. I need to unload this my friends…. I gave in (again). I made it over 5 weeks without physical contact with my boss and I gave in. I felt so high and I now I feel so low. Why oh why am I sooooooooooo weak? I love my husband, my kids, and most of all God.
I justify it to myself that it brings more passion into my life, my marriage. Yet… I live this in secret where I can tell no one, but God and all of you. I disappoint myself. Is this supposed to be a process? Shouldn’t I be able to do this "cold turkey"?
Blessings to all of you. I am so glad that I have you here.
155 Ritz // Aug 25, 2008 at 10:50 pm
(USA) Hi all, I am on day 2 of no contact. I work closely with my AP so this is difficult. I do not have an opportunity to quit my job.
One of the things that has been giving me the courage to carry on has been a sermon this Sunday. I would like to share some of what was said. The pastor asked us to think of our biggest mistake, and then he talked about Esau and Jacob and how Esau gave away his birthright for a moment of weakness. This is how all big mistakes happen. A moment of weakness exchanged for a loss of God’s blessings.
I have been thinking a lot about How my A started. I could go into lots of excuses of how my marriage was problematic etc. but the affair started the first time that my heart lusted after my AP and I lingered in those thoughts. This was way before the first touch… way before the deep conversations and sharing. That lingering thought was the sin of adultery.
I have been attracted to many men, and they have been attracted to me, but this time I fantasized about this man. That was the difference. A few seconds forever changed my life.
Like Esau..who was very hungry..I was hungry ..for love..for affection..for someone who could understand me.
Like Esau ..I was willing to quickly give up all of Gods blessing..(my birthright)..for instant gratification of those needs, and for a moment with out pain.
I wanted so desperately to stop the pain..so desperately to have happiness right then..that I forgot about my future. It was selfish and impulsive..and very human. I can not speak for other women in this situation, but for me, I had a basic need for love that had not been met for 25 years of marriage. I justified in my mind that I deserved love, and in my mind I truly believed that everything would be ok..that my husband would not be hurt..since he didn’t seem that interested in me.
I convinced myself that I was being kind to my family by not divorcing and keeping the family together. I believed that the love I was receiving was even a gift from God.
I know that is crazy, so please do not send me ugly posts. But when a person is in a lot of emotional pain, and finally there is relief…well, we don’t always think so clearly. But as time went on, reality started to set in a bit. I started becoming aware of the pain I was causing…and aware that my pain was returning..only 10 fold. I broke off the affair. I gave up the man I loved and who I thought loved me.
Instead I am waiting on the Lord and believing in his promise that he will take care of my needs. His way..not mine.
I have moments that I wrestle with my mind….wanting instant gratification..wanting to ease my pain by falling back into the affair. I pray for the courage and strength to fight this. The battle still seems to be in my mind. I can not linger on dreams memories and fantasies of what could have been. The minute they come into my mind I have to think of something else and wait..for Gods deliverance. Rely on His love..trust in His blessing.
My Hope is in the Lord.
I am very weak… just 2 days in… but I ask all of your prayers… especially Tony and Grace.. I believe that as I pray for you and you pray for me…we will both heal from our pains.
156 su // Aug 26, 2008 at 3:38 am
(USA) Hey guys, I was just reading the above and I thought I’d let you know of another good resource - it’s at http://saveyourmarriagecentral.com/ - it’s aimed at people who’ve suffered from infidelity but there is a private ‘reclamation’ forum there for people in an affair who are trying to end it. They are really kind and supportive and helpful, and the only people allowed in the private forum are those who have been through it, so it’s very safe from flaming.
It’s not religious based, but they are completely marriage supportive. Anyway just thought I’d let you know because till finding this page that was the only other place I’d come across where this was discussed so openly and gently and supportively, and it’s been a great help to me.
I’m in my 3rd month of no contact (with 1 slip up a month ago). I’m traveling slowly, but traveling I guess. Good luck to you all in your journeys, I hope you are successful in kicking the addiction.
157 Marie // Aug 26, 2008 at 5:53 am
(US) I will pray for you, Ritz. Thank you for sharing the sermon and your feelings. I feel like you understand my feelings as well. It does all begin with the thought of lust.
Ritz, how do you feel around your AP at work? My AP is my direct supervisor at work. He is single. I either feel so much like an excited school girl or a shrinking wall flower. Nothing in between. Not like the other men at work. I either look forward to work or dread it. Is this a process? Will I get better? Am I strong enough?
158 Tony // Aug 26, 2008 at 9:16 am
(USA) What came to me after reading this was the following hymn for those who are having difficulty with no contact:
"O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!
Refrain
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!
Refrain
His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!
Refrain"
Words & Music: Helen H. Lemmel, 1922
With your eyes upon Jesus, focused on the promises of God, there is no failure. Sin will have no dominion over you when you focus on Jesus.
No condemnation for the sinner, only grace for the one who places his/her trust in Jesus.
159 LS // Aug 26, 2008 at 5:37 pm
(UK) Thanks all for a great discussion board. What’s most striking is how most experience a deep longing they are desperate to fill. I am too, in a marriage when instances of closeness have gone from every few months apart to no contact or advances whatsoever from my husband for almost a year.
I also nearly ended up in an affair but cried for God for deliverance emotionally months after I last saw this other fellow. My God is faithful and gave me the resolve to move on with my life in spite of increasingly being ignored by my husband. I have no desire for another partner in my life and although really aching for my husband to suddenly change back into the man I once knew, I know my God is still taking me along a definite pathway for my life.
I long for a mature Christian sister to pray with me and help me carry on, holding on with God’s hope-inspiring words for a glorious future. Amen.
160 Marie // Aug 26, 2008 at 6:16 pm
(US) Thank you Tony… oh thank you. I want to stop. I really do. I recently lost my father (who raised me on his own) to a long battle of cancer and I guess I just want to escape my feelings instead of dealing with them. Lousy excuse… I know. No one is more disappointed in me… than me.
I am glad you are here Tony… I really am. I am thankful for all of you. God bless you for your time and help. Marie
161 Ritz // Aug 26, 2008 at 7:13 pm
(USA) Hi Marie! I thank you for our post!..It is healing to have someone who can share my feelings and understands.
My AP is a co-worker. He is older and more experienced, and many times I saw him as a mentor. Other times, I seemed to have talents or shine in areas and he relied on me. In the work place we were a very good team. We encouraged each other and helped each other be successful.
At first I would say I felt a bit like a school girl… in awe of this man who was so talented and wanted to help me succeed. But with time I think both of us began to enjoy being partners. We did have some conflict because both of us are competitive, but most of it was encouragement, support, and love.
I can honestly say that it was the first time that I had that kind of support from a man.
My Dad is a sweetheart..but had me so late in life. He just didn’t have the energy to be there for me. I was a good kid, but did everything on my own. He never went to a single performance, game, or event. In High school I was the only one who went to state in track who didn’t have a parent there to watch them.
My husband is a good man, but not very supportive. He is a nice person, very nice… but doesn’t really like to get involved emotionally and doesn’t really know how to encourage. I met him when I was 17. I never knew any other guy really… and married when I was 21.
Marie, I think that sometimes we are attracted to these men because we like who we are in their eyes. Through them we see ourselves as beautiful, smart, and desirable. We love their support and caring. In turn these men see themselves through our eyes. We adore them and recognize their every attribute. It is a powerful connection.
But for me, even though I believe that my AP was a wonderful man… he was not mine, and I was not his. I believe that the reason that God hates adultery, is that it is a powerful sin that destroys. It nearly destroyed me.
The happiness and support slowly gave way to shame and fear. Before the affair I was a nice person who had a need for love. Now I was an adulterer who was hurting everyone she loved. In my mind I was someone who didn”t deserve love. That is sooo much worse!!!!
Luckily, we have a merciful God who didn’t leave me in my state of self hatred. He hated the sin but not the sinner! In his eyes I saw myself as the woman at the well… broken… hurt and in need of a savior.
In answer to your question, will you be strong enough? The answer may be no. But God is strong enough. I absolutely know I am not that strong. I know that without His grace I will fall sooo hard and be responsible for so much hurt. But here is what is kinda cool… He promised all of us that when we are weak He is strong.
I really don’t understand how God works. I just know this… If He is truly in control, He could have never allowed me to be in this situation, but He did. I don’t know what that means, but He does. I know that He promises that all things work for His good.
I am going to finish with a story. There was a little girl who had a fake string of pearls which she loved. She wore them all the time. With time the fake pearl paint had worn off and the dingy white center started to show. The string had become dingy and the clasp tarnished.
Her Dad asked her to give him the pearls. " I can’t "she said" I love them..I need them. They are my favorite thing." Her Dad asked again, this time helping her take them off her neck. She cried.."why are you being so mean.." they are all I have. Her Dad asked again… and reluctantly she released her grasp and gave them to him.
He placed the pearls into the fire. She couldn’t believe he would do that. She would never see the pearls again.
After a few days she asked her Dad. "why did you take my pearls and burn them?"
He answered, eyes filled with love…..My daughter, I had to take away the fake pearls because I knew you would not accept my gift of real ones.
I am sooo ready for real pearls….but this time I am waiting on the Lord.
Hmm, who knows? Maybe they are already in my pocket and I never noticed because I was so busy admiring the fake ones.
In the mean time… please pray for me when I cry about losing my fake pearls. I am sooo human and right now. They were the only ones I had. Honestly, I see the prize and future blessing… but I still hurt through the loss.
162 Ritz // Aug 26, 2008 at 7:28 pm
(USA) Thanks Tony! You are so right about the hymn. There is major wisdom in that song.
163 Julee // Aug 27, 2008 at 8:51 am
(USA) Hello everyone! After searching for "ways to repair a marriage after an affair" I happened to stumble across this website and thought I would share my story. I have been married to my husband for 10 years and just recently we are coming back together after a one year separation and very close to a finalized divorce.
About four years ago my husband and I started to have problems in our marriage and after about a year of trying to work on those problems with not much success I started to get lonely….depressed. I felt as if I needed something, someone….a friend. One day I was on the computer talking to my family on yahoo messenger… I came across the chat rooms on yahoo and found one room that was a room with people from the state I live in. And that is where I met "him", he was married too.
We talked for a couple of days…all day…about anything and everything….and then he wanted to meet in person. I was hesitant and declined at first. I wish I would have stuck with my instincts because the decision I made to meet him in person turned into a three year long affair and friendship (or so I thought) that nearly ruined my life with my husband and little girl.
We spent every single day together, talking to each other during the day online, on the phone, or meeting in person. We fell in love….we became addicted. Both him and I would take turns trying to break things off several times to only end up back with each other again.
As time went on I noticed that I did not love my husband as much. I stopped all sexual contact with my husband and distanced myself from him. We grew apart. After about a year he found out about my affair. We started to work on things… but I still went back to my lover and continued to see him. I could not let him go. My husband sensed this… and he knew. I separated from my husband a little over a year ago and then shortly after started filing for a divorce. During this time I was still keeping contact with my lover.
Not being in my right mind, I would have done anything for my lover. We were going to try a threesome with another woman. We posted an ad and started to communicate with her through email and even met for lunch one day. A few days later as I was talking to "him" online he started an argument with me out of the blue and for no reason, which was very weird to me. He just stopped talking to me. I got suspicious and for the first time ever decided to check his email. I think he forgot that he had given me his password. There they were emailing each other back and forth planning on a meeting without me, discussing how they would need to act in front of me so that I would never know.
In that moment I decided to never, ever have contact again with this man. So, if you are with a married man, don’t think that he won’t turn around and do the same to you eventually. He will! And you know what…I got what I deserved.
I realized that this man was not my friend. He did not care about me at all… did not have any regard for my feelings… nothing. I have been lost…LOST for three years now. And now…I can only thank God that he helped me to see this for what it really was. I thank God because he taught me this huge life lesson. My husband would never do anything like that to me. He has never cheated and never would. He has continued to love me through all of this and now I have another chance with him and plan on repairing my marriage for good this time.
164 ME // Aug 27, 2008 at 9:27 am
(USA) (USA) Ritz… OMG!!!!! The pearl thing really opened my eyes. I have been in NO CONTACT physically for 10 months and by phone/IM for 4 months. But even then, it was short and I ended it right then. I still hurt….yes I do…very much. I still think of him…very much. I also know this pain will fade… some day… and I can’t wait for that day to come.
Your "pearl" story….it hit me right where it counts (even though I can’t imagine the 4 years of MY affair was all fake. How could it be?). This man may have started out for one thing… but quickly learned I wasn’t that type. Then I THINK he developed emotional feelings for me. If not…why did it last for so long and why would he continue to be with me (IF I allowed it to)? I just can’t imagine ALL we went through, gifts, trips, sports, etc…. cuz let me tell you… he was very creative with his gifts and dressed me from head to toe with styles I loved.
Tony, maybe you can answer that for me. Was it all Fake Pearls??? Thank you all and I’ll keep you in my prayers. ME
165 LT // Aug 27, 2008 at 11:01 am
(USA) Hi everyone,
I’ve been so inspired by all the postings here for the last few days. I, too, find the pearl story absoultely inspired and profound. I wanted to mention to a few people what the Lord has laid on my heart to mention. Some of it is thoughts I got weeks ago, but the time wasn’t right until now and some of it is for more recent posts.
ME - thanks for writing. I wanted to share with you that, firstly, (Tony can chime in if I’m incorrect) but I don’t think Tony can answer your question about your AP. Tony was not unfaithful. So I do not know that he can answer your question but perhaps he can.
I will say this in my observations during my Christian journey of faith - everyone has their own sins. It seems all people have that one BIG one. For some people, they fall into the trap of infidelity, for others it’s drugs or alcohol or porn. For some, it’s the more subtle ones of selfishness, pride, bitterness, unforgiveness. These tend to be worse, in my opinion, because of their subtlety, the people suffering from them tend to be blind because they are so focused on the "big" ones like murder and affairs, etc. So if they aren’t killing or raping, they tend to stop looking inwardly and only point out the speck in their brother’s eye instead of looking at the mote in their own. (Matt. 7:3-4) So my point in all that is to say, if Tony hasn’t succumbed to the trap of having an affair, he may not be able to really relate to your questions. But I’d be glad to hear whatever his insights may be if he feels led to share.
ME - also, in one of my posts I stated that we have to go to the Lord for the answers to these questions of "why?" In fact, that’s the beauty of the pearl story - God’s showing in that that we’re all "missing the boat." We’re looking to the physical, when we’ve all blindly missed the spiritual blessings. (This is natural since we are all physical humans). I truly believe you need to follow the "still, small voice" to find the answers. I know your answers are coming. Keep on keeping on in building the strength of your spiritual life and your relationship with God.
1 Corinthians 2:10
But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God.
I think the deep things are the deep things of God, as it says, but my experience has taught me that the "deep things" can and does include things about every individual. So those "deep" questions you have can be answered. And they will be. But it’s doubtful it will come from a human (although it might). It will most likely come from a VERY deep relationship with God. Have patience and keep the faith and you will find the answers you seek.
To Tony - I loved the post of the hymn. It was very uplifting and inspiring to read.
To the 2 or 3 of you that have an AP at work, more specifically your bosses. I wanted to share with you what was laid in my spiritual mind the moment I read of your stories, but did not share back then (that was several weeks ago). Before I do, please know that if anything I say conflicts with what you feel the Holy Spirit telling you, obviously you know who comes first (not me, God) but this is what I felt from the Spirit in reading your stories.
I’ll try to put it this way. As those of us who have fallen into the sin trap of infidelity know (and I’m about a decade on the other side of the fog so I see things almost crystal clearly now), it is like an addiction. Someone posted here can you go cold turkey? Well, I really think that depends on how deep the addiction was. Most people who try to quit heroine have such unbelievably bad withdrawal symptoms - shakes, sweats, vomiting, etc. The cold turkey thing kind of relates to the "my AP is someone I work with" subject so please bare with me here.
Yes - you can go cold turkey. Not only can you, but you should. However it is a matter of steps. First it starts with putting the seed in your mind to initiate a stop to all communication of any form, including indirectly such as checking someone else’s emails or checking their myspace pages, etc. But as I mentioned in my analogy earlier - it involves severe withdrawal so it will not be easy. That is why this board is helpful. I like to think of it like an AA type of meeting or an AA sponsor. You have somewhere to go if you do fall down. Hopefully that won’t happen but if it does, here we are. If all of us could just make a decision that a cetain sin is wrong, decide not to do it and then never make that mistake again, we’d all be perfect and there would be no need for God. Obviously, kicking a sin is not easy otherwise God wouldn’t have needed to send Jesus to the Earth.
Now, for those of you who work with your AP - I have to pose a question: how would an alcoholic or drug addict quit the habit if they had a big old plate of drugs or serving tray of liquor in front of their face 8 hours a day? Most people would say they can’t. The amount of resolve for someone who hasn’t "kicked the habit" to be able to say "no" when the temptation is right in front of their face would be inhuman. God can give you the strenth, supernaturally, if you are praying for that. But it sounds like He hasn’t in reading some of the posts. God doesn’t always give us what we pray for just when we pray for it.
So - I’m not going to tell you ladies, who work with an AP, what to do. I can’t, only God can but I’m putting out there the thoughts that are coming to me, from the Spirit in my heart, when I read your dilemmas. My suggestion is this - I suggest heavy prayer (and perhaps even a fast day on the weekends) to ask God whether or not you should even remain in those jobs. To say that "I need the money" is a rather feeble excuse when it’s a situation where you are sinning and haven’t yet overcome.
Unless you can avoid pretty much all contact with the AP or keep it strictly on a professional level (and it doesn’t sound like that is the case) when you are in contact, this is a very dangerous situation. It’s like walking right into a trap that Satan has set. If you are worried about money or your house or such, please consider the following verses. These are not my words, they are God’s.
Matthew 6
25Therefore I tell you, stop being [v]perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing?
26Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?
27And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the span of his life?
28And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin.
29Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his magnificence (excellence, dignity, and grace) was not arrayed like one of these. [I Kings 10:4-7.]
30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith?
31Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?
32For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.
33But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.
34So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.
It seems to me God places doing the right thing (seeking righteousness) in a much higher regard than whether or not you earn enough money or have the right career. Those are all things God provided at one time and can take away at any time. God can provide much more than a worldly job can and if you are in a job that forces you be tempted with a sin you have not even overcome, how can that possibly be worth it? God surely doesn’t see it as being worth it. If God is not telling you to work there, and nothing you do in your current job is to preach the gospel, then it is just a worldly job, nothing more. It’s a concern of your earthly life. Here are another couple of verses that come to mind on that:
John 12:25
He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.
Matt. 6
19Do not gather and heap up and store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust and worm consume and destroy, and where thieves break through and steal.
20But gather and heap up and store for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust nor worm consume and destroy, and where thieves do not break through and steal;
21For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
If your heart is currently with a job, because of the money you make or your status, (or your AP), then it means your heart is there and not with God. Seek God first, not the money or job. It’s not as important and never will be, as seeking God’s righteousness. Please take whatever from this is for you. If none of it is for you, then you’ll know that, too. Be safe and God bless.
166 Tony // Aug 27, 2008 at 11:19 am
(USA) ME, You experienced what you experienced. You felt what you felt. The question is, was what you felt really love, or just infatuation? The question is not was it real, the question is what was it really that I felt, did, etc.
Lies are real. It’s just that they are still lies. They feel good, for a while. But like the fake pearls, they don’t pass the test of time. They look good on the surface, but after a while, what is underneath comes to light.
The fake pearls are real. They are genuine fake pearls. They are not a figment of your imagination. However, they are not what they look like. They are not the real pearls.
An affair is just like that. It’s real. It’s a real relationship that has a surface veneer that looks good. But inside, it’s filled with things that are not as valuable as what you would find in a real relationship.
Intimacy is based on honesty, and affairs, by their very nature are built on a foundation of deceit.
I know this sounds like a philosophical treatise on what is real and what is not real. That’s a game. All things are real. The question is, are they what they portrait themselves to be, or are they something else that is masked to look like another item.
So an affair is real, but is it genuine?
When you look at 1 Corinthians 13, regarding love, affairs cannot be genuine love as they fail the tests of not self-seeking (affairs are selfish behavior), of not rejoicing in evil (if one is rejoicing about the wonderful affair, they are rejoicing in evil), and rejoicing in the truth (the truth is hidden, often from the affair partner, certainly from the spouse):
" 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Therefore, the feelings one has during an affair are real. But feelings are not love.
So the question is not are the feelings strong, etc. The real (pardon the pun) question is, are those feelings really love, or just a good feeling that can lead to bad feelings down the road.
I think most here know the reality that good feelings are temporal, and are usually eclipsed by the guilt associated with the affair. Many will carry that guilt forever, long after the good feelings of the affair have evaporated from memory.
167 ME // Aug 27, 2008 at 4:34 pm
(USA) Tony…thank you. You put it in such good words for me. I totally agree with you. I don’t know if you’ve read my stories up above, but you’re right. In these 4 years, I learned a lot of things about him that I didn’t like.
I try really hard to think about all the fake pearls but for some reason, the real ones (like our good times) seem to pop up. I WILL bust these fake pearls.
I WILL Y’ALL!!! Thank you very much Tony.
168 Rebecca // Aug 28, 2008 at 10:25 am
(USA) Greetings, All. I would like to weigh in on the discussion about whether this is real and whether it is love or not. I believe all romantic relationships start out as infatuation– that "feel good" thrill, that sense of fascination with a person who shares our chemistry. There is no way that anyone loves a person that you have recently met in a I Corinthians 13 way.
When I met my husband 19 years ago, I felt that thrill, that fascination, the chemistry, etc., but the big difference between that event and when I felt the same feelings for my AP, is that I was able to pursue the relationship without guilt, because we were both single and of marriageable age, and love budded and blossomed over time.
"Falling in love" is actually infatuation. LOVE is a tender plant that sprouts and grows and needs nourishment and care. When you "fall in love" with an AP, it will feel the same as "falling in love" with a prospective spouse, but with one huge difference–IT’S WRONG, and therefore is loaded with guilt and regret and a devastating mix of feelings and desires that lead to lies and deceit and depression and eventual ruin.
God assures it be that way, just as His Spirit faithfully deals with us about other sins and convicts us. So, in my opinion, it’s a mute point to ask if this real or not. Of course, you "fell in love" with someone who is attractive to you, has great chemistry, is attracted to you, just like you did when you were 18 or 21 or 25 when you met that perfect someone who became your spouse. If you have continued in the affair for months or years, you have grown to "love" this person–the emotions and attachment are REAL–but it will NEVER BE RIGHT, and therefore you can never love them in a I Corinthians 13 way, because this is a "love" that hurts others and begets lies.
Therefore, as hard as it is, we must practice self-denial, and do the thing of conviction instead of the thing of convenience. We must do what IS right, not what FEELS right. We must fulfill Matthew 5:29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. 30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
I’m preaching to myself! God bless you all. Marie, I’m praying for you. LT, thanks for all you wrote in your last post.
169 Rebecca // Aug 28, 2008 at 10:37 am
(USA) Here is Matthew 5:29 from the Message Bible:
"Let’s not pretend this is easier than it really is. If you want to live a morally pure life, here’s what you have to do: You have to blind your right eye the moment you catch it in a lustful leer. You have to choose to live one-eyed or else be dumped on a moral trash pile."
As it indicates here, it is not easy. In my own case, I came to a point of determination that my actions would be right, no matter how I felt. I can control my actions, but the emotions are much harder to control. They seem to be an entity in themselves. The emotions of "falling in love" are hard to forget and linger on a long time, whether the affair was legitimate or illicit. Slowly the feelings are fading, the thoughts are fewer and farther between, but the progress is slow and painful. Again, God bless you all.
170 Marie // Aug 28, 2008 at 5:31 pm
(US) LT, Rebecca, Ritz, Tony ….all of you, THANK YOU for being here!!! I keep reading the pearl story, the hymn, the quotes from scripture, the shared experiences…. and I feel less alone… more than that… I feel like someone is reaching out to me and in my corner. I have tears in my eyes because I am so overwhelmed (in very good way). May God continue to use us to reflect His light.
Julee— I am so glad that you shared your experience. May God continue to bless you. Love to all of you, Marie
171 Angel // Aug 28, 2008 at 9:25 pm
(USA) From Ritz, He answered, eyes filled with love… My daughter, I had to take away the fake pearls because I knew you would not accept my gift of real ones.
I am sooo ready for real pearls… but this time I am waiting on the Lord. Hmm, who knows? Maybe they are already in my pocket and I never noticed because I was so busy admiring the fake ones.
… WOW THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY AMAZING, AWE INSPIRING AND FULL OF HOPE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR SHARING THAT. HUGGLES, ANGEL
172 Ritz // Aug 29, 2008 at 8:23 pm
(USA) Hi All! Thank you all for your support and prayers. I am praying for you sooo very much as well!!!
Today I was thinking about the story of Daniel. Remember when Daniel prayed for the Lord to reveal the meaning of the prophecies concerning the future of Israel?? He fasted and prayed, waiting for an answer, and finally on day 21 an angel came saying: "Do not be afraid, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart on understanding this and on humbling yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to your words. – Daniel 10:11 NAS
Is that not the coolest thing ever??? To think… the moment that we call on God and humble ourselves before Him..the Creator of the Universe… the King of Kings… the Lord of Lords sends down angels to help us!! Amazing!!…I am struck by the fact that the very first day that Daniel prayed God sent forth his angel… but that the angel doesn’t arrive until day 21!!!!
The Bible says that there was a war… between the angel and another principality..(an evil one)… and that God had to send Michael to help fight the battle.
That soo explains how I feel right now..waiting for an answer… waiting for Gods blessings. Knowing that there is a battle. I want to be like Daniel… Faithful in prayer and fasting… believing in the promise that help is on the way!!
I want to thank every one who is praying for me on this site. Thank you for fueling my angels! (smile). I am totally committed to praying for you guys as well!
173 Hannah // Sep 1, 2008 at 12:49 am
(B) Time for my story I guess. For the past two years, I had an emotional affair with a man online. I truly cared about him, and fell in love. Deeply. Seeing how I am married I should’ve walked away from him, but I didn’t. Two months ago we broke contact. I still cared, so hoped that after two months we could be friends. Nothing more, just friends and have occasional contact to know how the other was doing.
He had not healed, with the result that he has blown a fuse. This resulted in last weekend, where he kept calling my house, and yelling at me, while my husband was at home.
I had never told my husband, I thought it would be best to sort out this mess on my own, I didn’t believe in dumping MY issues on him. However, with all the calling and freaking out of the other guy, I was obligated to tell him. My husband really didn’t want too many details. He simply asked me who I wanted to be with, him, or the other guy. I told him (truthfully) I wanted to be with him.
He has forbidden me to ever exchange one more single word with the other guy, and then proceeded to shelter and hold me because I was so miserable. I have made a very foolish mistake falling in love with this other guy, when the man I have in my life is so remarkable and special. I feel a lot of guilt and self-hatred at the moment. I should never have gotten so side tracked.
The other guy called our house so many times that we had to unplug the phone. My husband is really reluctant about us having to change our number, we have had it for years. But obviously he does not constantly want to be confronted with phone calls from this man. Neither do I. I have blocked all email addresses and MSN addresses, and am hoping he will just go away now.
I will pay dearly for the mistake I made. I hurt two people in the process, and will have to live with what I did. I am not a religious person, but if there would be a hell, I’m sure I’d end up in it for what I’ve done.
The guilt towards both parties is horrible. I still feel like a horrible person for just leaving the other guy out to drown, even though he is clearly hurt. I just see no other option. But it’s not who I am … I don’t want to be with him anymore, I just feel horrible. Period.
I’m not a bad person, I hope … Although I made quite a mess of things. I’ll take it step by step and will hopefully move into a direction where I can salvage my marriage, and get to point where I’ll be able to forgive myself for what I’ve done.
174 Marie // Sep 1, 2008 at 5:17 am
(US) Hannah, I think most of us have felt similar feelings of guilt and shame. You are not a horrible person. We are all sinners and none of us deserves God’s grace, but He gives it to us because He loves us.
It seems that you have been given an opportunity to get closer to your husband as he goes through this ordeal with you. That’s a gift from God. God forgives you … accept that forgiveness. Be thankful and let go of the guilt (even if needs to be a little at a time). You are in my prayers,
175 ME // Sep 1, 2008 at 8:15 am
(USA) Hannah, You are not a bad person. It’s life. We’re here to heal and lift each other’s spirits up. Everyone on this site has either been a victim or the victim of infidelity. You hang in there and I will pray for you. me
176 Hannah // Sep 1, 2008 at 11:28 pm
(B) Thank you all for your kind words. I am still feeling very devastated, but there is also a feeling of relief, because I have finally ended the constant hiding of things from my husband.
I’m not ready to forgive myself, nor should I, I think. To me it’s important that I take some time now to reflect on where I went wrong, so I learn from this. All the lying, deceitfulness and dishonesty from my end hurt people. It’s going to take a lot of time to learn to live with that.
Thank you again for your kind words. They mean a lot to me at this moment.
177 Cindy Wright // Sep 3, 2008 at 9:08 pm
(USA) Hannah, I want you to know (and I’m sure many others do as well) that you are very cared about and are being prayed for. Yes, what you did was wrong. And thankfully, you realize that. But it is no more wrong than the sins that any one of us (including myself) have done at some time or the other. God doesn’t pick apart one wrong we commit (other than blasphemy) and says, “this is worse than others.” People do that — not God. We ALL have done wrong, according to what God says in the Bible.
But the wonderful thing is, that God’s forgiveness and grace is available to all who embrace the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for it by dying on the cross in payment for our sin. This forgiveness is available from God’s end when you recognize the wrong that you have done (and you have) and are willing to turn from it and not do it again (which you said you are as well). The only other thing that needs to be done is to accept the gift of forgiveness that is offered through Christ.
It’s like having a trillion dollars in the bank available to you if you will just accept that you have it waiting for your use and you finally make out a check to tap into it. God makes it available for you, just for the asking.
I don’t know where you are spiritually. You say you are not a “religious person.” But I want you to know that you don’t have to be religious to accept the forgiveness and the change that can come into your life by just saying, “Yes… I will accept what God has done for me through Jesus Christ.”
I will be praying that you will see how much God loves you and how much He wants you to have the peace He can give you as you accept what He offers — His love and grace.
If you want to know more, you can explore what is available in the blue box in the upper right hand corner of the web site where it says, “Seeking Direction? Purpose? Hope? Find it Now.” You can click into that section and see the journey that you can explore.
As far as forgiving yourself, that is a separate journey that I pray you will take. It may take a while. It’s important that you take the time to reflect on what lead you to this point, and that you and your husband work together to guard against this happening again in the future. (And yes, I have met those who have fallen into this more than once — even though they never thought they would ever do this — tragically they never put hedges in place to guard themselves against their own vulnerabilities.) But eventually forgiving even yourself is important so your loved ones don’t suffer more in the long-run.
When unforgiveness is present — even of ourselves, it forever discolors the present and future and affects those around us.
May you become alert to all you need to, learn all you should learn to protect your marriage, and do the necessary work to improve your relationship with your husband and make it healthy and stronger — both now and in the future. And may you accept the grace and forgiveness that is available and embrace it as a gift to improve the future for your family!
Please know we care about you and are praying for your journey.
178 Mark // Sep 5, 2008 at 5:47 am
(UNION) Ladies, I have read many of your posts (not all of them as this might be the longest thread I have ever seen). I did not see a mans response in the portion I read so I thought I would give you a man’s perspective:
I am married 20 years, together since high school. I have 2 wonderful kids and an amazing wife who is an amazing person and mother. About 3 years ago I got involved in an affair with a friend of the family. Very bad- coached with her husband, kids played together, etc. It started like all affairs- just flirting, then sexual. I always said "I will never leave my kids".
Long story short, throughout the whole affair I had a lot of guilt — first towards my wife and then towards my affair partner’s husband. Then it turned to the guilt I felt towards this woman when I was intimate with my wife. This woman and I became best friends, talked about everything were totally honest with each other (very strange in a relationship built on lies).
Anyway, about a year ago this woman divorced her husband, she’s says not for me but because she was miserable with him. So a few months ago I thought I had reached the decision to divorce my wife to be with this woman. I told my wife about the affair and after the initial anger she decided we should go to counseling. I agreed to it but never cut things off with the other woman.
About 2 weeks after telling her and the day before the counseling was to start I blurted out to my son what had happened and then told my daughter. I think I was hoping that he would say "it’s ok dad I still love you I want you happy". Of course that’s not what I got. He cried, begged me to go to counseling, etc.
I love my kids more than anything in the world and so I agreed to go to counseling and try to work through it. So I tried to cut this woman off and called her and told her I wanted to work on my marriage. After 2 days of no contact I caved hard!! I still love her so much and miss her all the time.
My dilemma, like many others on here is should I leave my wife (who as I said has been amazing through this and is a great person) for a woman who I feel is my soul mate and best friend. I think guilt is keeping me in the relationship with my wife and kids, which doesn’t seem right. Yet I know the chances of marriages based on affairs have a very low % of success.
Anyway, the other woman and I are trying to break it off now so I can truly try and work on my marriage without the outside influences. My thoughts are that if I still feel the same for this woman in 6 months (of no contact - although we cant get through 48 hours yet!) then maybe it is real!!
Sorry for the long blog, but I wanted you all to know that not all men in affairs are pigs. We hurt just like you do. We miss you just like you miss us and the nice ones with a conscience feel the guilt that you feel. The thought of never seeing or talking to this woman again is absolutely killing me. Right now I don’t care if we are ever together again physically, but not knowing what is going on with my best friend is absolute torture.
Professionals and logic do tell me that this is an addiction. I have never been addicted to anything before, so trying to go cold turkey is really hard!! Good luck to you all and I hope you all find the happiness that you all deserve!
179 Tony // Sep 5, 2008 at 8:25 am
(USA) Mark, You can read much of what I’ve written for a man’s perspective. It might give you some insight to how your affair partner’s former husband probably felt during her affair. It’s likely she was not the only one who was miserable.
I also write that I believe one can leave the affair with Christ in their heart. But they have to turn it all over to Christ.
I don’t think of myself as better than those who have affairs. Yet I don’t hide how disgusting, selfish and abusive I think affairs are.
The question I have for those who engage in affairs, is are they going to continue the abuse of their spouse and children, or are they going to continue to crave the satisfaction of their personal desires in the most selfish and destructive way possible?
I believe anyone who turns to Christ can end an affair. I believe they have to stand guard over their thoughts and through the renewing of their mind, they can leave and never look back at the affair.
If you are looking at Christ and your family you will not have time to look back at your affair partner or ponder the affair. The choice is always yours. What will you allow your mind to ponder, your family or your affair?
180 NotReallyBob // Sep 5, 2008 at 7:51 pm
(USA) Compassion and blessings to all who come here. If you are here, reading this, you are probably hurting.
I have to respond to the idea that affairs are not "real".
There is no way I would agree that an affair is "fake" or that the feelings for an affair partner are not genuine. Affairs start and continue because they fill a need in the involved people. People involved in affairs share real love with their affair partners - no two ways about it. And love between people is healthy and beautiful and good. Pleasure and love is a gift from God.
The big problem is… there are other people involved. The loving relationship by itself is not wrong. But the deception, the violation of commitment, the loss suffered by children, the loss of family - that’s what makes an affair wrong.
God hates affairs, but in my mind he hates affairs not because they are "just bad". Affairs are offensive because of the damage they cause to innocents, and in spite of the pleasure enjoyed by the participants. Families, commitment, honor, trust - these are all virtues, good things. Despite being pleasurable "today", affairs tear down all those good things.
People have come here to write: "I’m so confused; Should I work on my marriage? I love this other man!"
It IS confusing. Loving two people - very confusing. Or, loving one person after having made a lifetime commitment to another - that is confusing.
It’s like Pilot says, you’ve got to step back and look at the effects of what you are doing. And there is no way to step back and look at it, while still contacting the other person, texting, IMing, chatting, seeing the person at work, looking for pictures online, etc. The addiction factor means every contact with that person will honestly and truly distort your perceptions, so that you cannot see clearly.
In some cases, there is no way to step back and look at it clearly, while with your marriage partner. Yes, I support marriage, but sometimes just being together after the discovery of an affair can cause so much tension that clear thinking is impossible.
There is one sense in which affairs are not real - Typically, neither affair partner has thought through the implications and consequences, for themselves (the pain, guilt, confusion), for their marriage partners (hurt, betrayal, depression), for the children and family and friends (confusion, loss of self-esteem, shattered hopes).
Take some time, step back, and really look at your situation. Step away, physically, from your affair partner. Step away, at least metaphysicall, from your married partner. Be with yourself. Talk to God. What kind of person do you want to be? Which path holds truth?
You will find the path if you have the peace and wisdom of God in your heart.
Best to all.
181 Marie // Sep 7, 2008 at 4:48 am
(US) Hello gentlemen. Wow…Mark, you are going through such a difficult time. The decision before you is HUGE and will impact not only you, but many others you love also. Please step back (as NotReallyBob suggested) and think this through, pray for guidance, and may God bless you. Please keep us posted.
NotReallyBob, Thank you for the informed and helpful insight… and the compassion and understanding that accompany it.
It’s been 16 days since I last been intimate with my boss. I wish it was easier for me to stay away from him. Truth be told, I enjoy the physical intimacy and am having a very hard time keeping it off my mind when I am around him. It is very selfish and self-indulgent. NotReallyBob is right. I don’t think of my family when I am involved with him. I will try to focus more on the potential consequences of my actions and not just that moment. Thank you and I am blessed to have you all here. Marie
182 Grace // Sep 7, 2008 at 7:21 pm
(USA) Hello everyone! It’s been a while I have not written. Please know though that I read and pray for each and everyone. I am crippled by pain at this time. I have learned the new language of just moaning, groaning and the nagging word why? I don’t know what to pray anymore. I am comforted tho’ that I have a Holy Spirit who could express my heart and what I truly desire. What a privilege you receive when you allowed Jesus in your heart.
Yes, my husband made contact again. His defense was he just needed to help the OW out for some favor. Where do I draw the line? I finally, hesitantly answered that question. I drew the line as soon as I found out. I believe it was the time I last wrote.
Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know… I’m still around. You all are beautiful even with all your hurts. God turns beauty out of ashes. My message to all of you… please please please… choose God to do so. Love to all!!
183 A // Sep 7, 2008 at 7:45 pm
(USA) Good evening all. I posted this in another thread but going through the comments from the last few months, I felt like I needed to post it again.
Stephanie~You shared your story some months back and I don’t know if you still check back in but it resonated with me and encouraged me greatly. I honestly felt like the situation I was in was unique and that I was crazy. Even though our stories are not identical, there is a lot that we shared in our experiences, and I praise God for allowing me to see that I’m not the only one who has gone through this.
Well, here’s my story: I had a difficult time reading this article and the comments shared in response to it. I’m in a very difficult place in my life right now and I’m having a hard time knowing how to deal with it.
My relationship with my husband, before he became my husband, had always been iffy. He had commitment/faithfulness issues and we had a rocky first year of dating. Even our reasons for dating in the first place were not very well founded. He was physically attracted to me and I was looking for an escape from this guy that I was madly in love with at the time but who didn’t want to be with me at the time. My husband [then boyfriend] was never romantic. He never pursued me. We just happened and then continued to date. There was really no excitement as such.
My husband and I got married three years ago because my visa for the US was expiring [I was an international student; we had just graduated from college; he was my boyfriend at the time]. We were not saved at the time and so we definitely didn’t consult God concerning our decision. The marriage was pretty much a contract to him. He knew he loved me but he wasn’t ready to call me his wife. I considered it real at the time and tried my best to be a wife, the way I knew how, not knowing God. My husband continued to treat the marriage like a contract and did his own thing. We didn’t even live together the first year of our marriage. It was a really tough time.
I got saved 10 months after we got married and began to really seek God for wisdom and had more peace concerning my husband’s lack of acknowledgment of our marriage. During this time, I found out he had-had an "affair" but he didn’t consider it so as we were not really married in his eyes. It was a hard time but God saw me through it and gave me peace concerning it. I continued to try and make it work. Brought home books about Christian marriages that had activities/studies for couples to do together. I tried to read couple’s devotionals with him. I tried to come up with a plan to spend more quality time together doing things. He barely ever had a response. There was no romance in our relationship period. Before and after our legal marriage.
Also, no one knew about our marriage except for a couple of friends that agreed to be the witnesses. So we were living with this huge burden of a secret which made things more stressful and difficult between us.
About 2 years into our marriage, my husband "proposed." It really wasn’t the type of proposal I was expecting. I mean I’ve always had a fairytale notion of romance, proposals, marriage etc. and so far, everything of that nature in my life, had been completely the opposite. By the time the "engagement" came around, I was really numb and had just decided to go with it. Our relationship was/is still very empty. There was/has been no romance. I have never felt wanted or special or worth "courting."
We planned our church wedding for this past March. Right before the wedding, the guy I was in love with right before my husband and I started dating, came back into my life. His father had passed and so we talked and one thing led to another. I got caught up in my feelings and started to have doubts concerning my legal marriage as well as the upcoming church wedding. Even though my husband and I went back and forth and thought about canceling the wedding, we decided to go ahead with it. At the time, I was in a difficult place. I had been disowned by my family for being a Christian [I was raised in a Muslim family] and I was feeling very alone. I didn’t want to lose my friends, church and my husband’s family on top of the huge loss that I was already experiencing.
So I cut it off with the other guy and I went ahead with the wedding. I thought maybe if we had the wedding, things would change between us, but they didn’t/haven’t. I still felt very empty in the marriage. There was/is this huge void that I couldn’t erase. I have been praying about it ever since I’ve been saved. I have been talking to my husband about my emptiness since we’ve been married. I’ve been talking about how I need more from him. He has always made promises but they have never manifested in our relationship. He is a man of God but it feels like marriage and being a husband is not a priority at all.
Last month, my father passed in an accident. I have been torn with grief. My husband hasn’t been very supportive; he doesn’t understand how it feels or what I’m going through. The other guy came back into my life yet again. We’ve been able to share our pain revolving around the loss of our father’s. He shows me love, compassion, attention and respect. He makes me feel loved and wanted. He has been very supportive of me and very genuinely loving, caring and kind.
I’m so torn. I have loved this man for the past five years. Even though I got married to someone else, who I believe I really wasn’t in love with, I have loved this other person. I feel like I made a mistake when I married my husband and I feel really torn. I know having feelings for this other guy and acting on them is not pleasing to God; regardless of my circumstances, but I can’t help but feel that he was the one I was meant to be with and I messed it up by marrying my husband under the circumstances that we did, without consulting God first. I understand God’s grace and He can make wrong things, right, but I don’t understand why this other guy keeps coming back into my life and why we have such an amazing connection, that I’ve never had with my husband.
I am in a really hard place. Between my grief and the problems in my marriage, and the burden of not knowing what I want to do is breaking me. I really have no idea how to deal with all of this right now. I truly love the Lord and have tried so very hard to seek Him in this process but He is silent and I am having a hard time connecting with Him. I’m really in a place where I feel forsaken and even though cognitively I know that I’m not, the feeling is overwhelmingly painful.
Thanks for reading this in spite of it being so long. God bless.
184 Mark // Sep 8, 2008 at 3:13 am
(USA) A, it doesn’t look like you have kids. If that is the case get out of your relationship now! You are young and you made a mistake getting married to a man you didn’t love. Be careful racing into another one though. There is no need to race into another marriage.
185 Louise // Sep 8, 2008 at 10:25 am
(CANADA) I think God led me to this discussion page today. I just spent the past 4 hours reading all the postings. I had googled, "how to end an affair" and wound up here. Thanks to all of you. Here I thought I was the only one going through this…
I have been a happily married (so I thought) mother of 2 for the past 19 years. My husband is a wonderful man. Just over a year ago, I started an affair with a married man, a co-worker, and have been struggling ever since with "Why?" Why did I let it happen? How could I be so weak? Even though I was asking myself this, at the same time, I was falling in love.
I broke it off, knowing it was the right thing to do, went through the feeling of having my heart broken, and even told my husband that I wasn’t happy with our marriage, but did not tell him about the affair. I totally crushed him, and we both realized that we had taken each other for granted, and his heart spilled over with love for me. I seemed like we were headed in the right direction. Then things slowed down, and went back to normal. I know now, that he was having issues at work, but did not want to share his feelings with me. I saw it as "I guess I have to accept that things will never change".
Soon after, my affair partner and I made contact again and rekindled our feelings. We didn’t see each other physically for several months, since he lives thousands of miles away, and instead talked on the phone and communicated over the Internet. A few months ago, he and his wife separated and filed for divorce, not because of me (or at least that is what he initially told me) but because of not seeing eye to eye on their future. He was hurting from this split and we made arrangements to meet. In a way, I was hoping that when I saw him again, I would realize that he was not what I wanted and return to my husband feeling committed to trying to make it better again.
Instead, when we met, it felt like magic, that we were meant to be. If felt so natural. How can something so wrong, feel so right? When we left, I started to believe that I was ready to give up on my marriage to be with him. When I told him how I felt, he said he wanted to be with me also, and that he was there for me and knew that I was going to go through a lot of pain and suffering to get there.
I have since told my husband about the affair, and have been facing that demon for the past couple of months. He has been hurt very bad, and certainly did not deserve it. He wants us to try to learn from the experience, and make it work between us. I know that I have to believe that I did everything that I could to keep us together, or else I won’t be able to live with myself.
So, for the past several weeks, we have been seeing a marriage counselor, together and separate, and have talked more that we ever have in our entire 19 years of marriage! Yet, I feel empty inside while we are trying, and I have given in to contacted my AP several times. I am at the point now in trying to learn from my past actions, and get to where I need to be, mentally, so I don’t fail in our next attempt to make things right.
My husband is being more patient than any man could possibly be, I’m sure. I know my time is running out, and I feel as if I’m on my 9th life. I’m trying now to step back and really look at my situation, and be with myself, talk to God, and figure out the kind of person I want to be, just as "notreallybob" put it (thanks for that!!!).
I realize from reading all the discussions, I guess I am addicted to my AP. I have to figure out how to end it, and even more so, how to stick to the No Contact. I just knew that I had already failed in the past, so what is going to make the difference this time? I’m hoping finding this web site will be part of the answer and I seek your help and guidance. My AP has not been pressuring me to make any decisions. He says he wants what is best for me and I have to figure that out. He says he will understand either way. I thought I wanted him, but now I am not sure.
We had even started fantasizing about what that would look like, and making future plans, until I got "caught" making contact again. I’m afraid that I didn’t try hard enough to work on my marriage the last time, so this time I have to do it right. Please help me do the right thing…..
186 GRACE // Sep 8, 2008 at 10:47 am
(USA) I’d like to share this with all of you… a timely message for all of us struggling. Hope it brings light, hope and conviction in all your lives. Let’s continue to encourage one another. I believe the message below is truly the answer everyone needs to understand. Blessings to all.
MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST –September 8, 2008 — DO IT YOURSELF
Casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God. 2 Corinthians 10:5
Deliverance from sin is not deliverance from human nature. There are things in human nature, such as prejudices, which the saint has to destroy by neglect; and other things which have to be destroyed by violence, i.e., by the Divine strength imparted by God’s Spirit.
There are some things over which we are not to fight, but to stand still in and see the salvation of God; but every theory or conception which erects itself as a rampart against the knowledge of God is to be determinedly demolished by drawing on God’s power, not by fleshly endeavor or compromise (v. 4).
It is only when God has altered our disposition and we have entered into the experience of sanctification that the fight begins. The warfare is not against sin; we can never fight against sin: Jesus Christ deals with sin in Redemption. The conflict is along the line of turning our natural life into a spiritual life, and this is never done easily, nor does God intend it to he done easily. It is done only by a series of moral choices.
God does not make us holy in the sense of character; He makes us holy in the sense of innocence, and we have to turn that innocence into holy character by a series of moral choices. These choices are continually in antagonism to the entrenchments of our natural life, the things which erect themselves as ramparts against the knowledge of God. We can either go back and make ourselves of no account in the Kingdom of God, or we can determinedly demolish these things and let Jesus bring another son to glory.
187 LT // Sep 8, 2008 at 2:40 pm
(USA) Hi A, Thanks for posting your story on this page. It’s certainly an unusual set of circumstances that began your marriage.
I wanted to suggest to you to read what the Bible says on marriage - this can be found in I Corinthians 7. It has information, from the apostle Paul, on the state of marriage, the "rules" and the allowances for divorce. My reading of that chapter is that divorce is allowed if an unbeliever leaves a believing spouse or if infidelity has occurred.
I do not want to suggest to you how to interpret it or what to do in your situation, but rather, I’d let you read it prayerfully and let the Lord guide you into whatever conclusions you should draw after reading it.
After reading what you wrote - this is what the Holy Spirit brought to my mind, specifically. It’s a section from the chapter I mentioned. It talks about once you are called, stay in the "life situation" you are called in. It gives examples as well. My understanding of that is that if you were called when you were already married, even if you got married before you were a Christian, you are to remain in that calling.
Here’s the excerpt from I Corinthians 7: Live as You Are Called
17 But each of you should remain in the place in life that the Lord has given you. Stay as you were when God chose you. That’s the rule all the churches must follow.
18 Was a man already circumcised when God chose him? Then he should not become uncircumcised. Was he uncircumcised when God chose him? Then he should not be circumcised. 19 Being circumcised means nothing. Being uncircumcised means nothing. Doing what God commands is what counts.
20 Each of you should stay as you were when God chose you.
21 Were you a slave when God chose you? Don’t let it trouble you. But if you can get your master to set you free, do it. 22 Those who were slaves when the Lord chose them are now the Lord’s free people. Those who were free when God chose them are now slaves of Christ. 23 Christ has paid the price for you. Don’t become slaves of human beings.
24 Brothers and sisters, you are accountable to God. So all of you should stay as you were when God chose you.
I also wanted to say that I’m sorry for you feeling lonely. It’s not uncommon for certain families to disown even their own children because they chose a life of Christianity. It even happens within Christianity itself. I met a young lady who grew up Catholic but decided to choose a non-denominational lifestyle and her parents no longer speak to her (very much) either simply because she chose not to be "Catholic" anymore. I pray that you will find a new "family" in Christians you meet, perhaps even in the people on this website.
God bless, LT
188 A // Sep 8, 2008 at 5:36 pm
(USA) Hi LT, Thank you so much for the personal response. I appreciate the Word you shared and will prayerfully seek God for discernment concerning it.
I have a similar understanding of divorce, however, it is still an option in my mind. I know God’s truth does not conform to our individual circumstances but at this point, I have no peace in my marriage, never have had any, and it’s impacting who I am. However, I will continue to look to the hills and seek the Lord concerning this.
I’m not sure I have the same understanding of "remaining in the situation God found me in." There were several things that were going on at the time that I got saved that were not positive or beneficial in my life that I had to change when God found me, including my interaction with my family [parents and sisters]. Again, I believe in praying and receiving confirmation from God so I will do that and I do appreciate what you shared. I just don’t see how that applies to me being married to who I consider the wrong person. One way of defining what you said is "you made your bed and now you have to lie in it" but I don’t believe that’s God’s intention for the mistakes or wrong choices we may make in life.
Thanks again and much love and blessings to you. A
189 LT // Sep 8, 2008 at 10:14 pm
(USA) I came across this link at the very bottom of a completely unrelated article I was reading but it seemed so appropriate for the 2 comment threads I read most on this website. I’m posting it here and on one other thread.
I pray you will find it very insightful! I found it full of wisdom. Enjoy
http://www.new-life.net/marrag03.htm
190 Angel // Sep 15, 2008 at 1:59 pm
(USA) I thank God now that he loved me enough to warn me ahead of time this would happen, the break up. I also thank God He loved me enough to step in and do what I could not do and end this. I also am thankful He gave me a chance for course correction without having to out me in the process.
I emailed J today and he asked me to call him. I told him we would never be speaking or emailing ever again. He told me he is able to open up with his therapist about things he had never ever shared with anyone and he has also opened his heart up to his wife and share with her. They are working on things and fixing things and they are making progress in that area in huge ways.
I told him I was going to allow God to fix me and my marriage as a result of what I had seen him go through. He is no longer going to church. I encouraged him to find a different one for he and his family and to get back involved with a certain area there, that he loved so much.
He was able to give me details of what had happened when all this came about… the breakup and fill in missing areas. I have total peace and I have total closure. I would never wish what I went through on anyone alive on the face of this planet. God is the only one that can totally heal this wounded area in any of us.
I feel I have a fresh chance to get on with my relationship with God and with my family and to start nurturing what I have. I wish I could go back and undo but I cannot. What amazes me is this did not surprise God. He knew before choosing me, the choices I would make, and this whole time he has just wanted me to run back into His arms and give Him my boo-boos and let Him heal them. The unconditional love of a Father is something my mind cannot comprehend.
Please get out of your relationships now… because in the end all that matters truly is the Father. Angel
191 Marie // Sep 21, 2008 at 5:44 am
(USA) Angel, I am so happy and proud of you!!!! When I think of God, I see him as a kind and loving Father as well, ready to hug me and comfort me whenever I go to Him. I am so glad to hear about your victory. Continued blessings, Angel.
I am holding on… it’s been over 3 weeks since my last encounter. I have nearly completed my resume and will be seeking other employment. I am working toward total separation. It is still tempting to be around my boss. It has become a little easier. I have a growing friendship (friendship only) with another coworker and he has helped keep me focused on our friendship rather than the sexual tension between my boss and myself. It has helped a bit. I never realized how all-consuming an affair could be.
Take care all of you and you all remain in my prayers, Love, Marie
192 Sarah // Sep 29, 2008 at 5:25 am
(USA) Hi all. It’s been months since I have posted and just recently read through all the updated posts. They have been encouraging and hard at the same time. Although, it sucks that I have done what I did for so long and secretly hurt those I am closest to, I find it comforting that I am not alone and have someone to talk to.
It has been several months since we broke romantic contact (we still have to have contact as we work together and our families are very close). I have been very disciplined to hold a very tight line and he has been even more disciplined than me. The only problem is this deep sadness that I carry around. I miss him so much. I am sharing it here because I know that is the safest place to open up. I have learned that opening up to him makes it worse and only prolongs the relationship.
I do feel empty and sad and have a hard time extinguishing the memories. I do know God is filling the hole, but I still have very hard moments. Self pity has been very strong - why did this happen to me??? How did I fall in love with a married man (something I would NEVER do and helped others get out of)??? Why do I have to deal with this now??? It’s like I woke up and became madly in love with someone I was never attracted to before - AT ALL. It just happened suddenly. I know it’s a mind game and the Lord can cover all that stuff up with His love and sacrifice. I guess I am rambling, but today - I am sad.
193 Ray // Sep 29, 2008 at 8:24 pm
(USA) Hello everyone! I would like to share what I have been going through. 5 years ago, my wife became pregnant. While in the pregnancy, I cleaned the house, cooked 4 times a week, washed the clothes, cut the grass, did the maintenance on the cars, etc while working a full time job. As she became further along in the pregnancy, I noticed she didn’t want me around at all. After 3 months of that (being only married 2 years), I wasn’t used to wanting attention and not getting any.
The kissing stopped and the hugs were far and few in between. I am a very physical and affectionate guy. So this has really bothered me. We would go to church on Sundays and she would never compliment me on how I look, but I made sure, that I said she looked beautiful. See I grew up in a home where both parents were very “touchy feely” in front of my brother and I, so I thought when I got married, that was what I was suppose to do too. So while my wife isn’t telling me I look nice, other women are (multiple women), not just at church, but in the grocery store, work, everywhere. I know I’m handsome, but I’m humble.
So I needed to go away on business and while away (1 week), I was at a church convention. All throughout the week, I’m getting compliments and looks. That’s no big deal, but remember, my wife has totally shut me out. I became emotionally interested in someone. We talked for about 3 months. Only talking, no physical contact, she was in one state and I was in another.
My wife saw the # on the bill and asked who it was, and I said a friend. She asked me to stop talking to her, but at that time in my life, she was the only one giving me any attention. I know it was wrong, but I talked to her for another month, but than broke it off. I never called her again.
From that day, I have asked for forgiveness and tried to do all I can. I took off work for 3 months after she was off to take care of the baby. So he was home with us for 3 months before he went to daycare. I went back to my routine of cleaning, cooking dinner and lunch at the same time, etc. Taking our child to and from day care, etc.
Now 5 years later which is 9/29/08. My wife says "I don’t have anything for you, no passion, no trust, no desire to make it work". Now I haven’t done anything since that time and she still hasn’t forgiven me. The things I do around this house, I don’t know anyone who does what I do and can’t get a hug or a kiss for it, or a thank you.
My biggest problem is being with a woman who flat out has told me, I can be married to you because I will never find a man as kind, caring, and takes care of everything, you are a great man, but I refuse to have sex with you, because I can’t see myself giving my body to you again. Than she said "Yes, I have the urge to be intimate, but I will deny myself to deny you". So, I’m living in a life of no reward. I work hard all day (2.5 hour commute each way) on the road 5 hours and when I get home, I’m cleaning, ironing, washing dishes, etc. At the end of the day, I want to be able to make love to my wife, but can’t.
What makes me mad is when we’re in public, she wants to hold my hand and all that junk. I’d love to hold her hand, if I knew it was out of love; but it’s out of appearance. She wants it to appear that we are affectionate. I used to be a very romantic person, writing poems, giving massages, making her baths with rose petals and everything. I can’t do it because she refuses to allow herself to invite me in. I tried the bath thing 3 months ago; hot bath, candles, roses and jazz in the background. Her response was this is really nice, but this will only lead to sex and I’m not having sex with you. So I made a decision to stop all the romantic stuff.
Over the years her words have really eaten away at me. I’m really fatigued when it comes to this marriage. It’s like running a race the hardest you can and someone say, “I don’t care how hard you try I will never give you the prize.” Yes, it’s been so long since I was with my wife it would be like a grand prize if we were together.
I grew up in a holy household, where I was taught the promises of God and to speak those things that are not as though they were. And for years I spoke a positive word over my marriage, because I was taught to never divorce, and to never give up on anything. But now when I get on my knees to pray, sometimes I can’t say anything for 15 minutes, because I’m in shock that my life is like this. My parents groomed me to be a true gentleman, a provider and protector and I treasured that up bringing, but I’m with a women who doesn’t allow me to demonstrate any of that.
I have to leave for work at 5:45 in the morning, but find myself staying up until 2 am, because why should I go to bed, nothing is going to happen, we don’t touch at night, nothing, absolutely nothing, so I’m tired a lot, but the anger of thinking "Man, I haven’t had a sex life in 5 years" Keeps me up at night. How many men do you know can stay in a marriage that long?
And the funny thing is today the stock market dropped 700+ points (yes, I lost money) and all I could think about was my wife doesn’t even acknowledge the fact that I want to be intimate. She just goes with her day like everything is so sweet between us. She’s planning trips and etc. I told her last year, I refuse to pay $2500 for a cruise to the islands and not once be intimate. Matter of fact I’m not going on vacation if I can’t be intimate at the end of the day.
So that’s my story. Hate is such a strong word, but I hate not having sex, I’m 35 and she’s 34, so you know we should be very active. Couples have the testimony of when we first got married we were all over each other. I don’t have that testimony, but would love to. How can I get this turned around?????????????
194 Zowie // Sep 30, 2008 at 5:40 pm
(USA) Ray, My heart really goes out to you. I am sure there would be an unbelievably long line of women who would jump at the chance to have a husband like you, if you were available. Did you realize that refusal to be intimate is legal grounds for divorce in some areas? Most counselors consider it a deal breaker, if the one withholding will not even consider working on the problem.
I’m not suggesting you divorce. I know that’s not what you want. I’m only making the point that you are NOT out of line to be so upset about this. It breaks my heart to hear a man say he has stopped all romantic gestures because his wife will not respond.
Have you two gone to counseling, or even considered it? If she won’t, it may help you if you go on your own. I know that sounds odd, but it does help.
Take care and keep us informed.
195 Elena // Oct 1, 2008 at 3:45 pm
(USA) I honestly believe that the Lord led me here after seeing me in my grief and pain after nearly 3 days of NC with my AP. It helped to read many of the posts knowing that I’m not alone in this - I’m highly encouraged that perhaps I can come out of this victorious.
My brother had passed away at the age of 44 on Christmas Day 2007 and my husband and I were dealing with the separation of my son and his wife at the same time. My daughter-in-law and grandson moved in with us around the beginning of 2008. Having them there was challenging - basically my husband had to step up and be a father to my grandson since my own son was MIA.
What little time we had as a couple became non-existent. I stressed to him the importance of maintaining our own relationship but he pretty much dismissed it so I suffered in silence. Basically I felt like a third wheel, my grandson had his mother (my daughter-in-law) and my husband became daddy. I never felt such a wall go up between us in all of our 14 years of being married.
Going back a little further in our history, I lost my oldest son in a car accident in Nov. 2001 and my husband was diagnosed with stage IV stomach cancer in 2005 and was not expected to survive but by the grace and mercy of God, he did and is now cancer-free. During the time of my husband’s treatment and recovery, our marriage was never stronger, all glory and praise going to the Father.
Suffice it to say that my faith has been tested beyond measure but God proved Himself faithful in spite of my blatant unfaithfulness to Him and my husband. I cannot believe that I’ve found myself in this painful and sorrowful situation. I feel like an absolute hypocrite sitting in church on Sundays, teaching Sunday school, worshiping, etc. in an attempt to keep up the facade. My prayer and devotional time has also been deeply affected. I feel so far away from the Lord because obviously sin is spiritual separation…
The affair started about 7 months ago when both of us were rock bottom in our marriages. We met about 4 years ago when I started working with a new group within my company. My job involved working with him occasionally and our contact was minimal. I sometimes wouldn’t see him for weeks at a time. Once in awhile he would call or email (sometimes about work) but it was all very friendly at first and then the flirting began. We didn’t get involved until Feb. 2008. We basically tried to see each other when our schedules allowed, maybe twice a week for 30-60 minutes. We tried to break if off once before in June (he initiated it) but it only lasted for a week or two.
My AP told me last week that he needed to take care of his family and that by continuing on the way we were, our spouses and children would end up getting hurt - I knew he was absolutely right. He has been married nearly 30 years and has 2 adult children and a 14 yr living at home. It wasn’t fair to them or to us. Both of us go to church regularly and still Satan ensnared us so easily. I fell deeply in love with this man, having bared myself to him emotionally and having a physical relationship as well. The euphoria was overwhelming and yes, I’m still addicted.
He called on Monday to say "hi" and to see how I was. It was so painful and yet I still didn’t really want to let go. He said he still wanted to remain friends and to stay in touch to which I replied yes. Later that day I sent an email to him stating that it would be best to stop all communication at this time because it was just too hard, too intense on so many levels. It was difficult to be a friend after all that we shared with each other, although the time was brief but still so wonderful. I told him that perhaps later when things calmed down we could start over within the proper boundaries.
He tried calling me later that day but I had purposely left work early to avoid the call. He left a voice mail saying that he understood and wouldn’t try to contact me but will wait for me to call or email.
I know now that I can’t do either otherwise I will find myself at square one. The urge to call has been relentless - I have been wanting to call him at least a thousand times since Monday.
My husband (who is a brilliant and wonderful man) doesn’t know about AP but he does know that I’ve been teary, depressed and withdrawn. I assured him that it’s not him. This time of the year has its challenges anyway because my late son’s birthday is fast approaching and his and my brother’s death anniversaries are during the holiday season.
Knowing that I survived these horrific losses gives me the assurance that I can bear up under the pain of not having AP in my life any more. And yes, it is type of death which needs to be mourned. Please keep me in prayer for strength, wisdom and peace. Thank you all for sharing your stories. God bless you all!
196 Angel // Oct 1, 2008 at 7:16 pm
(USA) Elena, I just wanted to send you love and huggles. I understand. I really really do. Angel
197 Elena // Oct 2, 2008 at 10:04 am
(USA) Angel - Thank you for the cyber-hugs. I felt so isolated and alone in this because there was no one I could share this with. This whole experience has been very humbling. Not too long ago I would condemn others for the very thing I was doing and now I know that I must always be vigilant against Satan’s lies and snares.
I am saddened beyond words. Right now all I want is to be with my AP and have no desire to be with my husband and I’m afraid of caving into the overwhelming feelings of wanting to contact him. I’m praying that the Lord will heal me and restore in me that love and desire for my husband that rightfully belongs to him. I know that my relationship with the Lord has to come first and by being obedient, everything will fall in place and properly align with His will.
198 Rebecca // Oct 6, 2008 at 11:42 am
(USA) Elena, I’m praying for you. May God give you lucid moments and help you to hang on to what He shows you in those moments. A phrase of a chorus has meant so much to me recently, "I give it all up again, to hear You say that You’re my friend." Having God’s approval and friendship is priceless. It’s worth more than anything in this world.
I know the relentless –I mean relentless emotions, and thoughts, and longings and desires, but you can do this. Just determine in your heart and mind to control your actions, as you won’t be able to get rid of those thoughts and longings for long time. Be strong, and renew your daily devotions. God’s word is the only path that leads to victory. Love and prayers. Rebecca
199 Todd // Oct 9, 2008 at 1:18 pm
(USA) Hello everyone. I have spent quite a bit of time reading each and every post, and I certainly feel your pain, anguish, disappointment, fear, and hope. I’m a 45 year old man who allowed another woman into my life when I felt distant from my wife of 17 years.
I am a high level manager in a very large public agency and fell in love with a woman who is a mid level manager and was one of my subordinates. To make it more complicated, her husband is also a manager and my wife works here as well. I’ve known my affair partner for 12 years and her husband for 19 years. Both my affair partner and I were on our second marriages and have adult children, with my affair partner having only her adult son still at home.
We had become close while working together and discussing family and then personal issues, beginning late last year. The physical portion of our affair began in January at an out-of-town conference we were attending when we informed each other of our mutual attraction. We didn’t start to fall in love until we started text messaging and emailing each other on separate flights back home.
We had previously been scheduled for four out-of-town business trips in February, which we took together and started to make plans to end our marriages. While neither of us were content in our marriages, we both agreed our marriages were not bad. The first week of March, rumors began circulating around work about our relationship. I realized I had fallen in love with the woman who I felt understood me like no other, so I told my wife of the affair and separated shortly after. My affair partner, who did tell her husband of the affair, then told me that she didn’t think she had the courage to separate from her husband. So we attempted NC which lasted all of 12 hours.
Because of the rumors, I had to disclose the relationship to my boss and was moved to another division, which resulted in my affair partner’s husband needing to also be reassigned as I would have been his direct supervisor.
Over the last seven months of the affair, my affair has taken vacations with her husband and friends, to Utah and Arizona, Honduras, and New York. Each time she would tell me she was going somewhere, she would tell me she would separate from her husband when she returned home and she was only going because she had made the obligations before we started our affair. And of course, I believed her.
During this time we communicated via text and email and were able to see each other alone at the most twice a month. She told me her husband knew we were still communicating and seeing each other. However, I attend a daily meeting which he also attends and although we do not talk any longer other than the rare work issue that affects us both, he certainly has never acted like anything was wrong in his life.
My wife filed for divorce several months ago and we sold our home we have owned for 15 years and raised our children in. And I was informed last month that a promotion to an executive level manager that I would have gotten was stopped at the Agency level because of my affair.
My affair partner has told me numerous times that I am the love of her life, and that she loves and wants me like no other. She has told me all the things that lovers tell each other and I believed every one of them. She has said that she feared disappointing her adult children, her parents, her friends and the hurt she would cause her husband if she left, but that she was trying. I did tell her that she had the same fears when she left her first husband and she responded that she hated her first husband, but did not hate her current husband.
I have spent countless hours alone and waiting for her to return a text. I lost track of the number of times she promised she was going to meet me and “something” came up. However she never failed to go to one of her friends that was having a fight, or that she needed to go work out instead, or the litany of excuses she came up with. If she did meet with me, it was never for more than an hour. We tried to part and stop contact probably 6-7 times only for one of us to break contact less than 24 hours later and the affair would continue.
I’ve known for months that she made no real effort to see me and that she would only text or come over when it was convenient for her. I had mutual friends that have tried to offer me advice that she acted totally normal and as she always had when they would go to her house or see them around town. Many times I was told that she had no intention of leaving him, because no matter what she did, he wasn’t going to kick her out.
Finally on September 29, I told her that I did not have the energy to keep doing what we had been doing for over eight months. She begged and pleaded and finally convinced me to meet and talk. For the next four days she met me each day for hours and told me she was preparing to separate with her husband. Then she became distant and avoided me. I talked to her briefly on October 6, and told her that if she stayed with her husband, I could have no more contact with her. I at least owed it to him, because I knew that as long as she was talking to me, the cycle would never break. I said that if she stayed with him she needed to stay and not continue with what we were doing.
She tried calling me three times the next morning then sent me an email saying she couldn’t leave her husband and that she still wanted contact and to be friends in order to be there for each other. I almost had to laugh because although I had been available to her immediately for over eight months, she definitely had not “been there” for me. I know it has been just a fantasy.
As I type this I am realizing the absurdity of what I have done to all the people this has affected. I also wanted you to know that although it seems the roles are usually reversed, there are men out here that face the same hurt and struggles that you do.
This is my third day of NC with her and though I have decent moments, it feels as if by best friend has died. I know this will pass but it still sucks.
I went through a rough period in my life in late 2000 and really turned to God and for the next three years was focused on Him and experienced the greatest peace and contentment I have ever had in my life. Of course that peace does not exist at this moment, not because God isn’t with me, but because I have lost that touch with Him. I know that I won’t be successful with maintaining NC with her unless I turn my thoughts and needs over to Him. May God bless us all.
200 Elena // Oct 10, 2008 at 7:43 am
(USA) Todd, My heart goes out to you and prayers are being said for you and everyone else that comes to this site for encouragement. Reading your post was a sober reminder of how horribly destructive an affair can be and despite that, we continue to remain in them because the addiction is just so powerful. I too remember the peace and tranquility that used to rule my life when I was in close fellowship with God and I miss that tremendously. Everyday the war rages within my heart and in my head because of this love addiction I have for my AP. I feel so weak and defeated at times…
Rebecca, Thank you, and to everyone for your continued prayers… My AP called me last week and I didn’t have the strength to hang up. Now I know the painful truth of NC=NH. God help me to do the right thing but I haven’t succeeded. I feel horrible. Elena
201 Liz // Oct 12, 2008 at 4:39 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hello all, I am so happy to have found a forum like this on the web and I really thank God cos I have been at a point in my life where I feel so out of tune with God and His word. I want to thank everyone who has shared their experiences because it really helps.
I am in tears right now because I know I have been living in sin and God has consistently given me chances to quit, but I keep going back.
I have been married for more than 2 years and have a child. I am a Christian and I thought my husband was until 2/3 months into the marriage. You see, before we got married, it was all fastings, prayers, trying hard not to fall into sin of having sex before marriage, etc and God helped us. We were both virgins when we got married.
After a while, he started spending more time outside of us and it was killing me. I tried to tell hm that I needed him and we had to be together more so we could build the relationship, but he preferred to spend time with other people than me. He is also into porn and I feel so useless as I would wake up in the middle of the night to see my husband watching porn movies. I used to ask myself if there was something wrong with me, or why would a guy who could get ‘free’ sex any time keep turning to such. I didn’t feel like a wife. I used to be so sad and depressed. When I got pregnant, it was so bad that I couldn’t even get him to give me a back rub or to help me with stuff around the house.
I used to cry almost everyday, but I still loved him. To cut a long story short, just this year I found out he’d been lying a lot to me, he had relationships with women. I still don’t know if they were sexual or not, but sometime ago, I stumbled on some emails that showed that he was into affairs. They could be one night stands when he travels. At times, it was with a particular person. He spends nights in clubs, at times not coming back till the next morning. He drinks a lot but I’ve never seen him drunk, but I am afraid it could get to that stage. Our sex life is just physical, no intimacy as far as I am concerned. I feel so used as I don’t feel any connection between us.
When I talked to him about the other women, he even used to threaten with a divorce, etc. Well, in my depressed state, I started talking to a friend who was also having issues at home and we got real close. The irony of the matter is that this guy who is a Christian as well, used to encourage me to stay in my marriage, be a Godly wife, and do all necessary to keep my home. We used to pray together for our homes.
But then, we fell in love with each other cos we were both meeting some needs that had been left unmet for a long time. You see, I had always wanted someone who would be my friend, who we could share the word of God together, who would encourage me in the Lord, etc, and who would be so loving and caring. And it was as if I had finally found the person. That’s when the trouble started. We knew it was wrong to even be sharing our problems together, but because we were praying about it, it seemed as if it wasn’t an issue.
It got to a point that we both were seriously contemplating getting a divorce to then get married, but we knew it couldn’t be God’s will. We tried hard to stop all forms of contact but it has been a struggle on our parts. As God would have it, he moved to another country, so we don’t see each other as often. We used to talk everyday, encouraging each other but still professing our love for each other, wishing we were married. We have so much joy when we talk. It’s even greater when we do see each other. It is hard to see how wrong this is.
The problem I have is that I don’t love my husband anymore. I don’t even care if he has a million lovers or even if he divorces me now, as I secretly feel that would be my ticket to being with this other guy. But I know the other guy may not be able to leave his family. He has kids as well, so at the end of the day, the relationship may not end up anywhere, even though he says I am the one who is not ready to leave my husband and that he is.
A couple of months ago, we started becoming really intimate, kissing and all that but no sex. But it is killing me because I know we both know it is so wrong and we are going against the Word of God.
Now we have decided to end it and focus on God to help us out of the situations we have in our homes. But it is so difficult for me. You see, he’s the only person, male/female that has understood me, loved me unconditionally, cared for me, respected me and who is ready to accept me the way that I am. (My husband even says his love for me is conditional, imagine, that when I am good, he’ll love me, but when he feels that I am not doing what he wants, then he doesn’t love me.)
I see this guy as my best and closest friend. I share everything with him and now, I cry a lot, because I miss him so much. While I also want to please God and do the right thing, because all that should matter is God, right?
At times I think I should get a divorce and even if I end up not marrying this person, I would be free from my husband who I feel doesn’t love me, doesn’t respect me, and doesn’t care for me. But I can’t bring myself to do that as I am as guilty as he is in terms of breaking our marriage vows (in falling in love with another man).
I am at my lowest ebb right now. The pain is so great, I feel it physically. I used to think to myself that I couldn’t go on in life without this other guy in my life, even if he doesn’t become my husband. The fact that I have a relationship with him is okay for now, but that makes me the other woman right? This is so terrible as well as wicked.
I am so sorry this is really long but one. I am glad I am not the only one in this situation but I really need God right now as my relationship with Him has really suffered because I can’t seem to pray well, or even study the word well because of this great sin. My thoughts are constantly about this guy. I keep wishing I was married to him and can’t seem to forget about our times together.
HELP, what do I do? Liz
202 Angel // Oct 12, 2008 at 8:46 pm
(USA) Hi Liz, Your situation sounds like a strange puzzle of lies from the enemy, confusion and a lot of hurt and pain. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It is hard enough beginning a new marriage and having children right away, without all the other things thrown into the mix.
Porn is nothing but a fantasy, hot babes always ready and with an endless desire for more. Babes that never have to pay bills, raise kids or change diapers. It is only an illusion and is also a cheap replacement for intimacy. Women are addicted to porn and cyber sex as much as men are. It is like a drug and is a lie mimicking (imitating) a satisfying Godly relationship.
Yes, you have been wronged. And I am not even going to try to tell you what to do concerning your marriage. Yours is a strange mix of bad circumstances from the get go and you do not deserve to be abused verbally by a man that does not seem capable to love you properly.
But, please push past your feelings for this man. Now that I am out of the "fog" and out of this relationship I find myself angry at myself as well as "J" for having been in it. They and we both took what we needed at the time from each other and then went back into a world with our families unable to give them what they truly should have had from us. It is impossible not to lose feelings for a spouse when these feelings have been given or taken by another.
When I think of J now and the things I gave him, it makes me totally disgusted by him and immensely angry. How could I have been so stupid to throw away something so precious and so valuable? Feeling used and discarded is a terrible thing. Talk about a self esteem kick in the pants.
I so wish I could go back and undo it all. I wish I had never met him. I saw something online today. I believe God allowed me to read it wrong. It was typed “scarred” but I read it as “scarlet” (as in an American novel about an adulteress who had to wear a scarlet or red A) so I am going to type what was said the way I read it
There are no scarlet warriors… Where you have been qualifies you for where you are going… Changing the past would only divert destiny.
We need to use our pain to help minister to others, even if it is just here. God has not brought us this far to leave us the way we are. He is bringing forth repentance for a reason.
I can sense you are in great emotional pain and I just could not leave your precious letter here. You poured forth in so much hurt and pain to sit here until tomorrow. You are in my thoughts and prayers, even though I feel so distant from God now as well. I have never seen Christians attacked so hard in a sexual area and I really believe the rapture is in the not so distant future and we need to try to get our unfinished business in order.
Hugs, Angel
203 Janice // Oct 15, 2008 at 9:02 am
(USA) Hi all.. I have a question about ending an affair. How do you end the affair if it’s someone you work with? You see the person everyday and there is just no way of ending contact. Especially so, if the person is your confidante and best friend at work. How do you resist the urge to want to be together?
204 LT // Oct 15, 2008 at 4:12 pm
(USA) Hi Janice, I left a comment dated Aug. 27 where I felt led to share what the Holy Spirit was telling me about the people here whose AP is a co-worker. Please feel free to read through that and take from it what you will.
Ultimately, God has to give you the nudge on what is the proper course of action for your individually but there are some verses that I mentioned in that post that might help you in your quest for information. God bless, LT
205 Liz // Oct 16, 2008 at 10:41 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hello all, I am in need of help here, please help. I am so confused and even though I know what to do, I do not seem to have the strength to do it. My husband is not making things any better. I have not enjoyed being a wife at all. In all our years of marriage, he has not even set aside time for us to be alone together, be it going out for dinner or spending time someplace else outside the house.
There was a particular time, I even suggested that I pay for us to go somewhere, spend the night so we could have time for ourselves and talk, etc, but he came up with the usual excuse of being sick. And you know what happened, he went out with his friends the same night and didn’t come back till late.
Many times I feel he is so irritated by my very presence. It is so sad. I have no will to continue to fight and I keep thinking every minute of my days, that I wish I had not gotten married to him, imagine! It’s nice to come out with it that I regret marrying him. I keep thinking if I had married someone else, I may not have had it this difficult. It is so disheartening. I am really trying hard not to think about this other person so that my heart will be pure again.
Help somebody please. I seriously think of getting a divorce cos I am not happy at all. He does not meet any need of mine at all. He doesn’t even provide the usual allowances cos he says I don’t deserve anything from him, no love, no nothing. He seems to even think that I want to destroy him and not allow him to live his life as he wants.
206 Rita // Oct 20, 2008 at 11:37 am
(USA) Hello Everyone! I ran across this website because I am feeling so guilty about having an affair. I read all of your stories and it seems like you all have a close net, I would like to join in.
I met this guy at work, and was immediately attracted to him. I have been married for almost 10 years now and NEVER had an affair. I always accused my husband of having one because of my own insecurity’s. I have never been able to prove that he was unfaithful.
The reason I mention this is because I was the one who didn’t trust and now, I am the one having an affair. Anyway - my husband and I have not been getting along over the past 2 years or so. I had two children before we were married and he has raised them all of their lives (now 16 and 17). We also have one pre-teen of our own. He is not happy with the way I have raised the kids saying I have been too nice to them and didn’t show them enough discipline or "tough love".
They’re not bad kids, and I feel that I raised them the best way I knew however, he constantly blames me for everything they do wrong. He constantly tells me that I should have done this or I should have done that… all of which are things I cannot go back and change.
Just the past September, I started an affair with the man mentioned at the beginning of my story. We have only been together 2 times but I feel so, so, so guilty!! He tells me things that are good about me like I am attractive, etc. Things my husband does not say anymore. I confided in a friend who advised me never to tell my husband. I am really not sure if I want to stop the affair because (sorry girls) he is so good in bed. If I am feeling this bad, should I confess?? I don’t know if I can keep this inside forever. I need some advice, can you help???
207 Marie // Oct 28, 2008 at 3:49 pm
(US) Liz, Hello and welcome. I have also had an affair with my boss over the summer. My story is listed above.
Liz, I realize that the guilt can be overwhelming. This website lead me to prayer and I confessed and talked with God. I was intimate with him for over a dozen times. I enjoyed being with him, but I felt so guilty afterward. Praying and realizing that God forgives even when I kept making the same mistake is what has kept me from falling apart. I haven’t been with him over a month, but I fight the temptation at least once a week.
He’s single and has always been fun, but he has been so kind to me lately in an effort to win back my affections. I still struggle, but God is always there to help me resist or forgive me when I fall.
Liz, He is there for you as well, waiting to comfort you. I did NOT confess to my husband… just to my Savior. I am not sorry that I handled it this way. In fact, I am glad. God’s forgiveness took the guilt away. I didn’t want to burden my husband because I didn’t have an affair because of him. God bless you!
208 Stacy // Oct 29, 2008 at 11:06 am
(USA) I have read many of your comments and stories. I guess my situation is a little different. My husband and I (married 10 years- my husband is 15 years older than I am- I am 39) got into a business this summer and later this summer I started an affair with the man who we do business with. He NOT married, not attached, in fact he is a younger man - he is only 27. But he started to pay attention to me and I enjoyed his company and talking to him more and more.
Well it ended up that I was talking to him and texting him A LOT on my cell phone. Well, at the end of September my husband finally had caught on to something with someone and he asked for my phone bill etc… He found the number and who I had been talking/texting to. He was furious needless to say. I love my husband, but I just enjoyed this other man so much and I miss him dearly. For the winter months now he is in Arizona doing his work but mostly likely will be back here in the summer again. We are still in the same business as we were but my husband found someone else to take his (this other man’s) place.
I will be still seeing him if he comes back this summer and it will be HARD to not WANT him. My husband doesn’t KNOW The extent of our relationship - I just CAN’T bear to tell him that we had sex… I said all we did was talk etc… The other man stuck to that story as well as we felt that would only make matters WORSE.
I don’t have any children with my husband (he has 2 from previous marriage but they are out of college age). My husband never wanted kids as he had them already with first wife. I was fine with that. He can’t have them any longer now. But sometimes I think geez should I have had children? I am 39 …I am getting to the point of getting too old.
I am having a VERY hard time breaking the contact with other man. He is SO good to me. I have never asked him if I would leave my husband would he GIVE me a chance. Was it just sex to him? I don’t know… My husband and I are trying to work on our marriage and I have to be honest… do I WANT it to work? I am TRYING and things have been going great but when I get to work at least once a week I talk to other man on phone. I miss him so!! Thanks for listening everyone.
209 Debbie // Oct 30, 2008 at 5:36 am
(USA) Hi Everyone, I have been reading your messages for hours. I’m on the flip side of this. I am the wife of an unfaithful husband. I’m not going to give a lecture of the total devastation that a family goes through when a father of 3 and husband of 24 years makes the decision to have an affair, this is not the place. I find it interesting that it is considered an addiction. This makes so much sense to me. I can now see the way he acts that he cannot stop or help himself. I always described it as he is in a trance.
I have a few questions that I hope you all could help me with. Have any of you ended up with a married man that has left his wife for you? If so how was your relationship with him when it was just the two of you and no longer having his wife in the picture? Do you trust him? Does he trust you? I ask this with all sincerity. I am trying to understand all of this. I have never been the other women, so I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what he is going through. He works out of town all week and she works with him. I only see him on weekends. She is not married and is older than he. Her children are all grown, ours aren’t. Thank you for any insight you can give me. God Bless~ Deb
210 Tony // Oct 30, 2008 at 8:36 am
(USA) Debbie, I’m not a woman having an affair, but had an ex-wife who had an affair with a man who left a 30+ year marriage to be with a man who could have been either of our fathers. She ended our marriage, and then ended up breaking up with him a couple of years after that.
Chances are better for betrayed wives restoring their marriages than they are for betrayed husbands. Just look at all the wives here who struggle with affairs like addictions, and many are still unwilling to be 100% open and honest with their husbands about what they did.
They may end the affair, and that is commendable, yet keeping the secret destroys real intimacy. I’m sure it’s not easy for wayward husbands either. I couldn’t tell you. But I do know there is hope. Even if your marriage is ended by your husband, Christ is there. Christ can get you the strength to go on, raise your children in the way of the Lord, etc.
For those who are unwilling to end an affair, or to confess an affair, Christ can give you the strength to do what scripture tells you to do, end your affair and confess your sin to your spouse, giving him or her the opportunity to understand why things haven’t been right between the two of you before and during the affair.
Failure to confess prevents the truth from being known and acted upon. Your marriage will always be second best, never reaching it’s full potential as long as the affair is hidden. The unconfessed affair is like a cancer that will silently kill your marriage.
I understand the fear in confessing. Yet God tells us in scripture we must confess to those we have sinned against, and that we should fear no man.
So my question for those afraid to end an affair, or to confess, do you really take God, the creator of everything at His word?
I would certainly be more afraid of disobeying God, than disappointing a spouse. I would be more afraid of God’s consequences for disregarding His Word, than any consequence a fellow human could deliver if we were to follow God’s Word.
So for everyone, the betrayed, the betrayer, the former betrayer, who will you trust today?
As for me and my household, we choose to trust the Lord.
211 Debbie // Oct 30, 2008 at 11:27 am
(USA) Thanks Tony, My husband did confess to me but after I was done sobbing I got angry and asked him why? He then tried to take it back, saying he just said that because that’s what I wanted to hear! Now he goes back and forth with "he did and he didn’t have sex with her"! It’s exhausting to me. He tells me he wants to stay married to me but I know he is still with her.
I am trying soooo hard to understand what is going through both of their heads. It’s like he is a zombie when he’s at home with us. It makes me sick that he still wants to have sexual relations with me. He doesn’t understand why I don’t want to, even after explaining that I won’t while he’s having an affair. He tells me "but I’m your husband, you should".
I have just filed for divorce. I told him one time that if I were a vengeful person, I would wish the two of them would spend the rest of their lives together, wondering if the other is cheating on them. Any help? Thanks, Deb