Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
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You’d think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven —abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
There is also an additional article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, that you might find helpful. You can read it by clicking onto the link provided below:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
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(USA) I am a married woman who had an affair with a married man. I know it was wrong, but I really fell for this man. I met this man five years ago and we had an affair for around three months. I fell hard for this man. He was separated from his wife, then went back to her. Three years later we met up again and started an affair again. Again he separated from his wife. This time though he told me how much he loved me, he acted like he couldn’t get enough of me. He told me it was completely over with his wife. The lovemaking was incredible. I have never been with a man who can make love like him. I was so into him. I felt bad about cheating on my husband but I couldn’t let go of this other man.
Anyway, all this time he was working at going back to his wife. Eventually he went back to his wife and he dumped me like a hot potato. He wrote to me later and told me how he regretted every moment with me, and how he had never stopped loving his wife. He said he couldn’t believe how much he hurt his wife and that he is still now fighting so hard to win back her love and trust.
I have a friend who actually knows his wife and I am disgusted to hear how much he treats his wife like a queen and how he is doing everything she says to win her love back.
My husband found out too because his wife called and told him. Thank God men don’t like to hear too many details. I am trying to work on my marriage now, but it is hard because I don’t desire and love my husband like I did this other man. This other man said he loved me and wanted me always. We talked for hours!! How can he now say it meant nothing to him? How can he now act like I was just a whore available to him while he was without his wife? How could he have said and talked to me about everything and it not be true? I am so angry!
I know I am the Other woman and people will say I deserve what I got, but I really, really loved this man. I hear that his wife is very angry with him and still has not forgiven him, yet he keeps begging and doing everything she wants. I thought he went back to her because of their kids. But when I hear about how much he tells everyone how sorry he is for what he did and how much he loves her, it makes me crazy. I loved this man, and I am heartbroken.
I want you to ask anyone, why do married men tell their mistresses how much they love them when its not true? Why did he seem to share his heart with me and tell me we were soul mates when now all he wants is his wife? I am so angry!! I know I was wrong too… but I fell in love. That’s why I did what I did. But why did he have to lie to me? Why?
(USA) Well, it’s like this, he never loved you, he used you for the time, he was away from his wife to fulfill his needs. His heart has always been for his wife, regardless of what he told you. That was just bait to keep you with him — to convince you he was truthful and loved you. How would you feel if you were the wife, whose husband was cheating on you? Women like you allow men to cheat. You are there for them, you became his whore. Did you really think he was going to leave his wife for you? He told you he was working on getting back with his wife. What man really wants any woman, who would cheat on her husband? Why would he trust you to do better by him?
Being in the shoes of the married woman, my husband cheated, and is working overtime to try to make it up. It’s very hard, trust is broken, and I am broken hearted. And worse of all, how can I be sure he won’t do it again, for the sport of doing it? I know it wasn’t real to him. If it was he would still be with her. But he dropped her like a hot potato. She is angry as well.
Sure they will promise you whatever it takes to get you to do what they want. It’s all game. When it get boring, and they can’t take the pain of being without the one they truly love. They fight to get back, where the true essence of love, is — that’s with the wife. Regardless of what they say to you, it was sex, to continue to string you along. They say whatever to keep you at his beck and call.
As a married woman, sincerely, you should have more self respect for your own vows. It’s much harder for a man to forgive a woman for having an affair. Regardless of the reason, a male is not like a woman when it comes to such betrayal.
In time, I pray I will be able to accept my husband, who is treating me like the Queen I have always been. Time has to heal, and he has to continue showing me his remorse and deep regret.
As far as females like you, who would sleep with a married man, it is disgraceful to say the least. You knew this man was not yours. You contributed to the separation, in the end, where is he, back with his wife. You meant little if anything to him, as he stated in his letter to you.
I totally agree, you got what you deserve, and I hope you are wiser, and will take the knowledge from this mistake and never go that way again. Work on your own marriage. You stood before God, and vowed to forsake all others. Yet you went to another. Now you seek sympathy. My sympathy goes to the wife. She has to bear sleepless nights, him being home, not really home, and sneaking around on the cellphone to contact you. This is heartbreaking.
Now you see how she felt. Now it is your turn; karma comes back around. Thank God. You are not innocent either, you wanted him to be all your husband wasn’t, instead of working on making your marriage better. It was easier to cheat? Look at yourself now, but in all sincereness. I do hope you look and see the error of your ways, with sincere praying. God can touch your husband with forgiveness, so he may be willing to work on the marriage, and try to heal his pain.
Look at all the people, this affair hurt. Marriage is not a game… if your husband doesn’t please you sexually the way you want, help him, rent videos, read books, do what ever it takes to get him to know what you want. Going to another, creates too much pain, for all involved. I do hope you have learnt your lesson. If not you are bound to repeat it, if you don’t… very dangerous games. Do you have any clue, how many people are in the graves, because of affairs? Did you even thinks of the lives you’d ruin, over your selfish behaviour, and lack of moral values? So sad, my sympathy, as stated, is for the wife.
(NIGERIA) There is no reason whatsoever for a woman to cheat on her husband, even when the husband cheats, she should not do same. The Bible says be submissive and love your husband, no matter the circumstance. When you show love to your husband he will cherish you in return. Even when he is out there, he will always have it in the back of his mind that you are the best. I whole heartedly worked on my marriage with much effort and each day I thank God because I am loving it.
Jackie, the thoughts or time you waste thinking about another man, why not channel it into making things right in your marriage and praying to God to heal the hurt in your husband’s heart to forgive you? Realize that your affair with the other married guy has caused a lot of damage to both his wife, your husband and the kids too. Please seek the face of God and let God heal all the damage and look on the brighter side.
(USA) I couldn’t have said it better. I am a wife of a man that had an affair and we are now working on becoming better partners to each other. I would only add that the other women are an easy out and a moment away from the daily grind of the children, bills, housework, etc. The wife is the one that stands by her husband and lives with him everyday. We see his strengths, weaknesses, etc. We put the time in and we deserve that respect – the other women do not put the time in or the true investment – they take what was nurtured by the love and guidance of the wives and get the fun and carefree part – but they have not earn it. That is why most men return to their wives.
(USA) While I agree having affairs is immoral, there are 2 sides to the story. It is apparent that those who are having these affairs are not satisfied in their marriage or why would they stray? And if the wife is so nurturing in the relationship, then why is the husband straying? He is obviously not getting something out of the marriage so is seeking it somewhere else.
As far as respecting the wives, I think that the wife needs to look at herself -respect starts with “self”. Once the husband (or wife) cheats, and does not get caught, it makes it easier for them to do it again. It is up to the wife (or husband) to decide how much they want to put up with.
I have had an emotional affair with an ex boyfriend who I had a very intense relationship in the past, including a pregnancy. He is on his 3rd wife – so his track record is less than stellar in the marriage department, which was a huge red flag to me. Yes, we are both married and are in bad marriages. I have since cut it off from him as this affair was so self destructive for me and I was not going to wait for him to make a decision on what he was going to do with his situation (I am divorcing my husband).
He is in the military, overseas -I have no idea what he is doing with his marriage, if he will leave his wife. But I will tell you that I will probably not be the last affair that he has and I am sure that he will try to contact me again in the future (as he has been contacting for the past 20 years).
So for the wives who blame the other women, you need to look at yourselves and your marriage. You either need to improve/work on your marriage or if your husband is not willing to change, then you have a decision. Either stay in the marriage with a philandering husband (or wife) or pave your own way in life. But you are not victims.
(USA) To NP: I think that for you to sit there and place blame on the faithful person is completely stupid! They didn’t make the conscious decision to go out and cheat, the spouse did! Yes, there are always two sides and the problems belong to the COUPLE. The problems within a marriage should be dealt within the marriage! Not by inviting or medicating themselves with an available male or female.
If problems cannot be resolved then you leave with your dignity, morals and values intact! Adultery is a cheap copout! It is an immature and irresponsible excuse to sit there and say that they did it because the wife/husband was not meeting their needs. That is what communication is for! Adultery is NEVER right, no matter how bad your marriage is. Like I said before, leave the marriage if it cannot be fixed!
(USA) I AGREE! I WAS CHEATED ON AND THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!
(UGANDA) Mary, accept the fact that you do not know what love is. You acted out of ignorance & selfishness to cheat on your husband. If you really loved your husband, you would have not done such a detestable thing before the Lord. I also know that you don’t love the other man, otherwise, you would not have ruined his marriage.
The Bible tells us to walk in love. Love delights in truth, not evil so you can’t go & break up some other marriage and claim that it is out of love. Instead you acted out of lust, which is a selfish desire of the flesh. Proverbs 14:1, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”
Please learn a lot about love & start walking in love. Read 1 Corinthians 13 (whole chapter). Stop following lust and understand that marriage is a lifetime commitment which is supposed to be honoured by all.
Also pray that you get liberated from the spirit of jealousy. Do not cause any more harm to anyone but rather walk to bless everyone you know. That’s what it means to love your neighbour. Be blessed.
(USA) Wow, you really need to get some self respect miss queen! You have no right to judge this poor woman, she didn’t get what she ‘deserved.’ People seem to forget that it’s the men who chase the women. So I really don’t believe in calling the other woman a ‘home-wrecker.’
(USA) Yes it’s true. It’s often the men who chase. I can recall a lot of married men in my life who flirted with me when I was younger. I pretty much ignored it. But there were two times in my life where married men pursued me much further. I was surprised to learn that I was actually tempted.
When I was around 20 a guy who I worked with was very interested in me. He was from Hungary and was very handsome. He tried telling me how his marriage wasn’t really valid because he just married her because he got stuck in some country. He needed to get married to stay in the country legally. We did go play tennis and swimming once. When it was near my birthday he insisted on getting me a present. I insisted that he not. Well, he went to the same college as me and chased me down at school to give me a pair of pretty gold earrings. I recall him begging me to be with him and that he would leave his wife. He wanted me to kiss him, which I never did. I think the most I did was give him a goodbye hug when the restaurant went out of business. A few years later I ran into him as he came out of a grocery store. He was still married to the same woman.
The 2nd time a married man pursued me was in an online video game. I’d say he wasn’t pursuing anything “real” …more so an online emotional affair where he could role play that he was the character and my character was his girl. I really liked him but didn’t want some “pretend” romance. I told him to stop flirting with me. He said he would try but didn’t try all that much. I didn’t want someone screwing with my feelings so I canceled my account. My subscription hasn’t ended yet but I’m trying to taper things off. It’s difficult because there’s a friendship there and I really like him but I feel I should go.
I will say this about the Hungarian guy who pursued me. It came out good for me because he made me realize I didn’t love my boyfriend. So even though the relationship with the married guy went no where it made me realize I needed to break up with my boyfriend. So I did. And looking back I’m so glad I did cuz the guy was a jerk. I didn’t realize how much of a jerk he was while I was his girlfriend. Some things I learned after we broke up.
I don’t want to make excuses for women who are “the other woman” but I’m more understanding of their situation because I never thought I’d even be tempted, yet I was in both cases. I think most “other women” don’t like the situation they find themselves in. They are in a relationship where they have no footing, no right to make any demands on the relationship as they would in an honest real relationship. Also the married guy may actually feel the things for her at the time he says them so I don’t believe they are necessarily lying at that moment. I believe their feelings for “the other woman’ changes because they lose respect for her once they get her sexually in some way …especially if she’s married too.
(US) I have learned one thing in my experience; a home is wrecked from the inside out. Another person does not wreck it for you.
(USA) ”I want you to ask anyone, why do married men tell their mistresses how much they love them when its not true? Why did he seem to share his heart with me and tell me we were soul mates when now all he wants is his wife? I am so angry!! I know I was wrong too… but I fell in love. That’s why I did what I did. But why did he have to lie to me? Why?”
There are so many reasons why… and we may never know the actual answers to his personal story. However, I can say with certainty that love for a man is different for a woman. From what I understand, men can honestly feel love for more than one woman — but the love is different for each woman. Their passions are sexual and then mental. The souls connect in a more monogomous way when the bridge is built by the relationship they have for the long run. Yes, they can still be passionate in bed and “love” another woman and still be really in life-long love with someone else. Different types of love. It seems more compartmentalized. So while he said he loved you, he probably did. However, he loved his wife more.
Love is addictive, for both men and women. However, love is also a choice. The long term relationship through thick and thin is far more valuable than the short sprinted segments of hot passionate love.
For women… we are more monogomous in nature as we intertwine the sex, the communication and the soul as one tantilizing emotion of “love.” For many of us, sex is all or nothing. When we hear, “I love you,” it means body, mind and spirit. Commitment becomes part of the mental package.
Again, love is addictive and love is a choice. I have been married for over 18 years to a man who is mediocre in bed (yes every year gets better with training) but it committed to me “until death to us part.” Sure, he forgets to shave sometime and the mundane living together over and over can seem boring at times. But then there is the spark of full integrated love. I always have a choice to choose love or explore with love. To explore would jepordize the integrity of what I have. It isn’t an option in my book.
I want to grow old together and sit on the park bench. Through the years, the offers and temptations of affairs have raised their ugly heads. However, we have evaluated the outcomes of these affairs and the hot-in-the-frying pan types of effects. The flash is not worth throwing away the dream of growing old with my partner. Here, it becomes easier to remember how addictive the thrill of new love is and how distructive it can be if it goes outside the bounds of marriage. The fall-out isn’t worth the pain. That park bench in my mind is worth the sacrifice of these often presented opportunities to go outside and seek the thrills.
(USA) I guess I have to ask why a mistress would believe what is obviously not true. After all, my ex-wife is as much to blame for believing her married man lover as he was. They were BOTH liars, not just one.
Women are no more monogamous than men? Being faithful is not a gender trait, it’s a character trait. So trying to divine some sort of moral superiority with a baseless claim that women are more monogamous than men simply doesn’t cut it. God’s law is simple, have sex with your spouse only. That is true for married men, married women, single men and single women.
Everyone in an affair is breaking that law.
The married man (or woman, don’t even think married women don’t have affairs, they do) is breaking that law.
Their affair partner is also breaking that law, regardless their marital status. Therefore, there are two sinners, no better, no worse than one another in any affair.
I don’t agree you can love more than one. You can lust for any number of folks. But love doesn’t cheat your spouse. And if you are cheating on your spouse with a “lover” that’s certainly not love for either involved. Not the spouse, nor the paramour.
(USA) Just a thought: it is interesting how you /woman feel about the cheating woman. Your husband is no better than her. Your husband is a whor* and your forgiveness is a mercy upon him. That woman you think is so awful, is your husband’s peer in sin.
(USA) That is so true, Looker. Yes, both cheating spouses are deceiving and lying and it is never right. It is a blessing to the straying spouse when the faithful spouse forgives.
(USA) You are the true voice of reason and love. I too am in your situation and your letter to her was none other than an emotional and strong letter that speaks from the hearts of all betrayed wives. I am speeding through this quick letter with tears of joy, overwhelmed with how strong you are!
My only question is where do I start with my husband? When does it stop hurting so bad? Its been two weeks… do I ever tell my daughter? Help; no one else can. Did God put you here to help me? Because I prayed for someone like you.
(CANADA) Dear One, Affairs are addictions. They are a person’s attempt to escape feelings they do not understand and feelings they are not capable of or willing to address properly. A person with unresolved issues, unhealed hurts and/or unmet needs will often escape to drinking, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping, etc. Sometimes they escape to other people. It is never cut and dry. Much healing is needed in so many lives and only God can heal. We have become a society walking around in a broken state.
As the person who has been betrayed, it can help to seek an understanding of addictions. We concentrate on the behavior, and don’t seek to understand the causes of the behavior. The betrayal is still wrong and the fallen spouse must ask for forgiveness. It is a long and difficult road. Get your own feelings under control. Keep your daughter out of the situation, at least for now. Couple and individual counselling will help. Blessings
(SPAIN) I really feel sorry for you. Your words are full of bitterness, as well as your heart. You have not forgiven your husband. You should learn more about that and not judge others.
I feel sorry for you. Don’t judge other people. The best thing that you should do is to look very deeply into your marriage and try to find out if it wan’t you in the first place, who made your husband cheat on you?
(USA) My husband cheated on me from before we were even married. He cheated for decades and I did not know. When he disclosed what happened, it was all about sex. Sometimes good sex, sometimes not good sex, but sex none the less. After spending a lot of money on therapy, he took a test that shows he is a sex addict. Looking back on it, I never had a chance against the addiction. Even when we were having great sex and having so much love and fun together, he was always looking for his next opportunity to cheat. It was all about the thrill, the high of acting out. Just like a drug addict.
It wouldn’t surprise me if a lot of the men (or women) who have cheated are sex/love addicts. He always comes back to me, but that doesn’t make the cheating any less painful. In the case of my husband, his addiction made him think it was always okay. I always forgave him as he came back with tears and apologies, which enabled him to continue. I hate when people say that the spouse should look at what they didn’t provide. It wasn’t what I didn’t provide, instead it was what I did provide: love, trust, stability, forgiveness, care-taking. I unwittingly made it easy for my spouse to cheat while I was working, taking care of our children, doing most of the housework, and keeping involved in our community. While my husband went to work and contributed financially, he basically acted like an adolescent.
(US) This is a rather self centred reply. I have been on both side of the fence, the betrayed wife and the lover and am intelligent enough to realise that it is not a question of black and white, good and bad, right and wrong or, indeed Queen (my goodness!) and grovelling servant. This post is all about power and nothing about love, acceptance and understanding of the all the complications and ambiguities of the human heart.
This poor husband is on to a loser here. No wonder he looked for solace elsewhere. Surely love is not about getting anyone to grovel and beg. It is about mutual consideration and understanding and complete honesty, which derives from maturity and self knowledge. Anyone who engages in this kind of self righteous argument is misguided. I know my husband cheated on me because I was not giving him what he needed and that my lover wanted me for the same reasons. This post is just a very simplistic take on a very complicated situation, and to try to pretend that it is about ‘love’ just the way to endless disappointment and disillusion.
Self knowledge and self acceptance is the only way forward. Each person in a triangle brings to it their own 33.3% in equal shares. Recognizing that is probably going to be more useful -and a lot harder -than turning one person into the ‘baddie’ and sitting on a fence feeling vindicated when he comes crawling back. That’s the easy way, it doesn’t work long term and is a perversion of the idea of love that Christ has for us. Working out how to have a ‘good’ relationship is probably the work of a lifetime and I doubt one ever reaches a point of bliss …the only perfect love is the love of God.
(USA) Your comment to Jackie was so well stated. I see cheaters as weak, selfish, childish, thieves. One other thought for Jackie, men lie!! And do not forget that after an affair, suicide attempts can happen and alcohol increases. My Husband of 30 years has attempted suicide 4 times since his affair. There has been countless nights in emergency rooms. This last event wound up with him being in ICU for 5 days and being placed on ventilator because of drinking so much he passed out and swallowed his own waste for about 16 hours before the wife (me)- not the adulteress- realized something was really wrong and called 911.
If you really care about your lover, apologize to his wife, his children, your husband and your children. You two have hurt them more than you will ever know. Concentrate on your own God given husband. He belongs to you and you belong to him. Anything else is stolen. Vain. May God bless and forgive You.
(AUSTRALIA) I THINK YOU ARE A VERY SELFISH WOMAN. ONCE YOU MAKE A COMMITMENT, YOU MUST ASK GOD TO HELP YOU. THE PAIN YOU ARE FEELING, IMAGINE THAT PAIN THAT THE WOMAN AND YOUR HUSBAND WENT THROUGH WHEN THEY FOUND OUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THEIR MARRIAGE. YOU NEED GOD. WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO HURT CHILDREN AND OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU ARE IN LOVE AND ALL THAT MATTERS IS YOU HAVE YOUR ORGASM IN SEX ETC? YOU MAKE ME SICK. YOU ARE A VERY SELFISH PERSON. TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF.
(KENYA) Shame on the self righteous women who have the bad sense to kick this lady when she is down. All I can say is sometimes people can be deceptive and selfish, which is what this man was. With attitudes like the ones I’m sensing from these wives, it’s no wonder their husbands are straying any chance they get. I’m left wondering why the other woman is the one being blamed when we men so relentlessly pursue these women. To women who have suffered at the hand of the married man I say, this too shall pass and one day you too will smile.
(USA) John, I agree with some of the self-righteous comments you’ve made. However, I disagree that anyone is ever responsible for another person’s choice to sin.
No wife (or husband in my case) ever makes the straying spouse choose to betray them. The spouse who has the affair is 100% responsible for their choice.
Likewise, the man or woman who has the affair with them is 100% responsible for engaging in an affair with someone who is not their spouse. They may not know that person is married, but in 100% of the cases, they know the person they are sleeping with is not their spouse.
If one follows the word of God, they are protected from the deceptions you mention. Not only are men deceitful, women are too. After all, my ex-wife vowed to be faithful and even looked me in the eye and say she was not having an affair, when she was. So we are well within the word of God to reject sinful behaviours.
The difference between hating sin and being self-righteous is knowing that we too are sinners, that we sin and fall short. However, it’s my hope that if I’m sinning, someone will love me enough to tell me I’m sinning, and not make excuses or provide man-made moral cover for my sinful choices.
Women (or men) don’t suffer at the hands of a married affair partner. They suffer because they choose to ignore God’s instruction and choose to engage in sex outside of marriage.
They are only deceived by themselves by thinking that engaging in such behaviour will not have consequences.
Please, don’t make excuses or provide cover for those who wilfully choose to go along with sin with their own sinful choices. God is clear in His word, have all the sex you want, but only with your spouse.
The women (and men, after all unmarried men sleep with married women as well) you claim are victims are not victims, but voluntary sinners.
So offer grace, but not excuses and not blame shifting.
(USA) Very well said Tony! John, the reason that woman is down (as you put it) is because she put herself in that position now she has to deal with the consequences of her actions. The only way she will not commit this offense again is for her to take responsibility for her mistakes and learn from them!
I don’t judge her but I do speak of her actions because I can guarantee you that with her actions she hurt many innocent people, not only her husband! No one is completely deceived; things can start from deception but at one point the truth comes out and at that point you have the opportunity and responsibility to do the right thing!
As a woman I would consider it extremely offensive if a man put me in this situation. You better believe that the minute I found out about his deception he would no longer exist in my life, EVER! There is no possible excuse he could ever give me to make things right! I am worth way more than any man’s lies!
(USA) It takes two. The husband and the married mistress both misbehaved. If you don’t want to be in a relationship or have problems, wouldn’t trying to work out the issues be a better solution? If the differences cannot be resolved, then get a divorce, but don’t lie and cheat. That causes more pain than a divorce.
(USA) Hey, don’t let these women act like you are a whore; they are just bitter. I never in my whole life, one who has never had a one night stand, ever thought I would cross the line with a married man. And I can say I have self esteem and have had some fairy tale romances that most women would be completely jealous of. I have lived around the world with some of the most decent, kind hearted boyfriends and have truly felt real love.
So no one needs to psycho anaylize me. I fell in love with a married man 8 yrs ago. He was my boss. However, at that time I was 23 and 9 yrs his junior and I didnt want to put myself in that situation AT ALL! I knew he fell for me, it was in his eyes, we captured both of each other’s souls. The connection has always been so deep, with great conversations, shared the same passions and dreams. The sad part is I knew he wished he would have lived life like me. He was always jealous at my free spirt traveling the world by myself and seeing my dreams come true.
He was married though, to a pretty undeserving woman and you can see that he knew it but one of the things I loved about him was that he was good man. Anyway, after a year of working together he called me 3 months later and told me how he was in love with me. We hung out for a night and it didn’t feel right and I was interested in my Beligian delight. I always felt though, in another life we were meant to be.
Well, fast forward the b/f and I split up and our paths crossed again. His stupid wife, whom he is still with, was playing around on him the whole time when we worked together and 2 kids later he says he wished he would have swept me off my feet. We then had a connection that was even bigger and better and he told me how he has been miserable for years and what she has done to him has killed his self worth and confidence but he stayed in it for the kids and at this time her father was dying.
Anyway he pursed me hard and told me he loved me and then I fell in love really deeply. I, with my fiery temper and demanding ways, wanted us to be together and did not like being the OW. However, 5 months later it has really cooled off and I am confused because I know this man is so hurt and devasted over what his wife has done to him and how miserable he really is. I started off as friends ay first. Well, now I don’t know what to think but I don’t think I am a whore or a bad person, I truly am not. I am the girl who goes to India to help children and I have a heart of gold but I fell in love and no matter how verboten that it was, things happen when a true heart is involved. I might not have one the situation and might never win but it was a wonderful experience and maybe in a sense we healed each other because of our bad relations. So you can’t judge every story of affairs in the same manner. Everyone is different and has been thru different things.
(KENYA) Dear firsttimecrossingthe line, In short, you are death! The Bible says… let no man put assunder!!… till death do us part and you are the death that entered your bosses marriage. However much you try to raise your head up high and say how noble you are and how good you are, note that you have lost your integrity and respect for your body. It has ended at 5 months? What kind of love was that? That was just lust and know that you were only filling in a gap for what your boss lacked at that time with his wife. They needed space to reconnect but instead you didn’t give them that.
I don’t pity you at all, because you treaded into a no go zone. This man will go back to his wife because they have a connection. That’s why they vowed to be together, it’s a bond you can’t break! First time or not, don’t ever fool yourself that you could easily turn a man away from his wife and walk away with it. And don’t try to convince yourself that you are good, because you have been used. And right now you say you are confused. It’s because you have been robbed and you’re feeling empty. if you asked me, serves you right!!
(AFRICA) Dear firsttimecrossing the line. I do conquer with you. Others may find it difficult to understand because they have not gone through it. I myself have been married to a man for 8 years. He would cheat on me, bring women in the house when I am away and had sex with them. When one of the girls he had sex with came home and told me they had a go 3 times, he never even showed remorse.
I thought I would try to save my marriage. But he never cared. I would cry myself to sleep. All he could do is scream at me that I am making noise and instead asks me to sleep in the other room. All he would say is “it has happened, just snap out of it”.
I would not consider you a whore because I ended up with someone who listened to me. He was on separation with the wife, then. They are going through a complicated divorce. As of now, I am not part of it. His marriage was long dead before I met him. But we do encourage each other. I moved out of my husbands house and he has never contacted me for one month. Each time I ring him he does not pick up his phone. Would you blame me? It’s also the first time for me to get involved because I was so lonely. I needed a shoulder to cry on.
(HOLLAND) I believe your situation is completely different. You had a biblical reason to leave him. In the church you feel like you are the whore but you are the victim. I’ve been through it myself. My husband had an affair and dumped me. After three years of living with no sex I jumped into the arms of another (not married or divorced) man, and later my ex wanted me back but I couldn’t dump the other guy.
But now I feel like I have betrayed my husband. Everyone who sends his wife away for another reason than adultery makes it that adultery will happen to her. But I can forgive him now and asked forgiveness myself because I lived in sin with someone who didnt believe. It’s all very sad. Three small children are involved. I was not able to make a right choice.
Then I tried to commit suicide and was very unstable in a mental institution when he dumped me, and ran away with a patient. I’ll stay alone to not hurt either of them and become a Christian non but I always thought that only men were unfaithful stupid to think otherwise they would be gay.
I had a hard time forgiving the lady that ruined our family and ministry and life of boyfriend who said he would marry me but doesn’t want to now because of the alimony. Thank God. I was back-slidden and he’s in drugs. This is not so good for my children.
Please marriage intruders, by which I do not mean you that I react on, think twice. Ask the Lord to forgive you go and sin no more. Don’t be a vessel for the devil and the victims: it’s easier to forgive your husband than the other woman. But you don’t have to be bitter, otherwise, you will reap what you sow and end up doing the same as the woman who cheated/chatted with my husband a pastor was betrayed herself by her ex-husband.
(USA) I think one of the problems is that when a woman knows her marriage is truly dead she doesn’t let go and sometimes the man stays ONLY for the children. If it is dead and has been that way for years and your husand tells you he doesn’t love you and wants to leave, LET him go or he will find someone else.
(USA) When will you ladies realize that he told you whatever he wanted to so he could get you in the sack!! You were just a conquest to him. YOU may have been in love, but he was in lust. He is with his wife because that is who he loves… no relationship is perfect. No person is perfect… but marriage is supposed to be about knowing those imperfections are okay, it’s okay to grow old and gray… it’s the acceptance of each other totally.
And when women (and there are guys out there that don’t give a crap about vows or if the other person is married too) like you claim self-righteous crap about I didn’t want it to happen and I just fell in love and his wife is horrible to him and doesn’t deserve him… YOU ARE RIGHT! The wife doesn’t deserve to be treated the way her husband is treating her… nor how YOU are treating her by interfereing in a relationship that you have no business nor right to be involved in. Everyone has moments of weakness and you allowed this married man’s moment of weakness to escalate into damaging his life and the lives of his wife and children. People like you are home wreckers!! Married means OFF LIMITS NO MATTER WHAT! I pray that you never have to feel what it is like to have your husband’s weakness escalate into an affair with a homewrecker like yourself!
(USA) Are You Kidding ME?!? You are so right in everything you said in your post! My husband has been having an affair with a co-worker for the past 4 years. She is also married but no kids. My husband and I have 2 kids (12 and 7). I witnessed them talking through google chat a few months after I confronted him about his affair (he told me they were through).
The BS he was giving her was hilarious. He was doing exactly what you said, telling her things that were so far from the truth about “our” marriage just to keep her around. I actually felt a little sorry for her (then the moment passed!). She knew he was a married man (don’t get me wrong I am not taking the blame away from him) and if we chose to stay she deserved all the heart break she got.
I recently found out that they have started talking through email again, so I sent her a little email letting her know what a scum bag he is and the things he has lead her to believe are false. He would tell her that he is not leaving his kids and she still hung on. I just don’t get it. She IS a homewrecker and not a very good person (in my eyes). I don’t believe God would be happy with the way she, and my husband, carried on. All I know is that I have done what I think God would want me to do to save my marriage. I don’t know how much longer I can hang in there, but at least I can look back and say that I have done everything I could to try and save my marriage.
(USA) You “wives” have your heads in the clouds!! Don’t you realize that your cheating husbands are playing you as well!! If they were happy with you and their siutation, they would not cheat nor stray. At least the “other women” can walk away!! You act like the husbands are victims. Once a cheat, always a cheat and don’t think for a minute that your husband is a saint and won’t do it again. Just next time, he will be more careful.
(USA) Are you kidding me, you are on target. Why do these women believe these men don’t love their wives? I have acquaintances like this man. They paint their wives black to the mistress to get her to comply with his sexual needs. In reality the guy is a liar and a deceiver and he wants his cake and eat it too. He has no respect for his wife, his marriage, himself or his mistress. These types of men are selfish and self absorbed. Of the men I know who cheat on their wives, the wives are loving and careful with the family money and just plain good people.
Are there problems in the marriage? You bet your bippy. What long term marriage is free of conflict? The truth is none are and the answer to conflict is to first try to resolve it through counseling that will help both spouse communicate better.
Men or women who have affairs are giving more to the affair partner than to the marriage. If they put that energy into the marriage, conflict will cease.
The problem is that no real marriage can ever, ever, ever compete with newness of a budding romance with a stranger, or the dating situation that most affairs are. Don’t forget, when cheating on your spouse, you are going out on a date with this other person. Dating someone new is always exciting and intriguing. How can a spouse compete with a date? That is why marriage is a commitment and you don’t date other people once you decide to marry.
Cheating is so very devastating to a spouse, male or female. And, yes men can be faithful. There are many men who are faithful despite temptations. Besides they are cheating with another woman.
Cheating is a choice. When we get married we vow to be faithful. Why is society making excuses for this behavior?
To my mind marital infidelity is just another form of spousal abuse. It inflicts just as much pain as a physical beating. It is emotional abuse like belittling or name calling because it destroys the faithful spouses self esteem.
I also question no fault states that do not consider infidelity as a factor in giving more of the assets to the faithful spouse. What’s with that? Usually the betrayer is spending marital money on the affair partner… buying gifts, hotels, dinners out.
Also, usually it’s the women who suffer financially because most women earn less than men and are to some degree economic slaves to the male. Many women are trailing spouses who put their husband’s careers first and neglect their own as a way to help the husband get ahead.
Why isn’t marital infidelity factored in ALWAYS in every state, as a way to give more to the faithful spouse to mitigate some of the emotional damage?
I have been a counselor for 20 years and I am confused about why cheating is not recognized by the courts as the form of abuse it truly is.
(USA) You are correct in saying that they are wrong to call her a whore. I, myself, am a Christian woman who believes that judging others should be left to God alone, but I also understand the bitterness of a scorned wife, because I am, or have been one. I understand that when we made that vow together, I wasn’t the only one paying attention to the words the pastor spoke. Generally, the “other woman” knows the man is married when he cheats, but the husband knows for sure.
I was bitter towards my husbands lover for a long time, but she was not the one who promised me “’til death to us part.” I personally knew the woman who had an affair with my husband. God gave me dreams to recognize what was going on even before my husband told me. To Ivaline, it also says in the scriptures “let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.” I am not condoning anyone’s cheating behavior, but if you have not sinned by sexual immorality, possibly by another means. I suggest every obviously hurting wife on this page read 2 Corinthians 2:5-11. Come all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest~ Jesus (Matthew 11:28) I can’t imagine a better time or reason to run to God’s arms and seek comfort for a marriage as this. God Bless You all and may He show His mercy on us all.
(USA) We are not to judge as in thinking we are better. However, we are not to sit back and just wink at sin. There is a difference. Calling sin a sin as far as I can tell is what God would have us do. Otherwise, He wouldn’t call for Church Discipline in Matthew 18. However, we are NOT to take the approach of the religious leaders in Jesus day whom He called whitewashed tombs.
It is true, only God can know the state of someone’s heart. However, I don’t need to know the state of someone’s heart to know that if they are having sex with someone who is not their spouse, they are involved in sin.
So my problem is we have too many who are willing to make excuses for sin. They make excuses for the wife who abandons her husband, saying he must have done something to force her to have an affair or leave him. We make excuses for the women who sleeps with a married man. He must have tricked her, or some other excuse. Really? He tricked her into thinking she was married to him? Even if she’s not guilty of breaking her vows, that avoids the whole she’s knowingly engaged in fornication, not to mention with your husband.
Sorry, in any affair, both are guilty of sin, not just the married party. I believe God crafted his rules for sex because of that very circumstance. Even if you don’t know if the other person is married, you always know if you are married to him or not. If you are not married to him, then why are you (not you specifically, the third person you) having sex with him? Are we to judge and think ourselves better than another? No. But are we to excuse sin? The answer is the same, no.
(USA) I am sorry for the woman who took him back. Believe me, I have known of a few married men who have had affairs. They never have just one because emotional connection and intimacy is missing in their marriage. They are not in love with their wives. They don’t want to lose the life they have -money (it is always about the money and what they have to lose), the kids, and the comforts of a home, not their wives. They endure their wives so as to not lose the life they know or be judged by others. He will cheat on her again, they always do. The next time he will cover his tracks better.
(USA) May, as a marriage counselor for 20 years, I agree that a man who cheats once has a high likelihood of cheating again. But not always. Sometimes the marriage is improved if counseling is sought. I have seen this happen many times.
Affairs are typically about some defect in the strayer, not the faithful spouse. Sure the marriage has issues… all do. Sex with the same partner is never as exciting as sex with someone new. Still, don’t get married if you do not believe you can be faithful.
There is no need to get married today to have sex. If it’s children the people marry for, then do they not realize that when they have an affair and spend time money and energy on the affair partner they are neglecting their children as well as their spouse?
Many strayers have low self esteem and need constant affirmation from a new women or man in their lives to feel attactive or to reaffirm that they are attractive. It is a character trait within the strayer.
In my practice, typically the faithful spouse is the giver in the relationship and much more mature. The strayer is the taker and much more immature. The strayer has unrealistic expectations of what a marriage should be. The faithful spouse does not.
And, yes, sometimes the faithful spouse has begun acting like a shrew, but that is because he or she is responding to the neglect meted out by the straying spouse who is putting all his energy into a new person who has been idealized because they meet on a date free of all the typical mundane, everyday marital problems, like bills, diapers, routine sex etc. Sex with the same spouse will always become routine. People need to understand that and work on ways to keep things fresh.
Also, often the faithful spouse is willing to accept the limitations of the marriage. It is the straying partner who is unrealistic.
Marital infidelity is a form of spousal abuse. It is a form of emotional abuse that inflict extreme pain. Society needs to stop making excuses for the strayer such as he/she just fell in love, or got carried away or whatever. Marital abuse in any form… emotional, physical or otherwise is wrong.
(CANADA) Thank you. As someone who has been cheated on. I’ve been hurt beyond belief because he would start fights so he could then storm out, and go to this woman who knew he was married and wanted me to help to hurt him. And then after it was over, to be my friend? What selfishness and lack of morals do they both possess to hurt someone who has done nothing to them, but love them? They are both LOSERS and karma should bite them both.
It is mental abuse and my daughter unfortunately, has learned that you need an education to be able to take care of yourself because marriage is not always forever! That part hurt me a lot as it’s a hard lesson to learns so young.
His reasoning is that he is happier now and thinks we are still his family while he is not living with us and up to the same crap with someone else. When he gets Aids he will be alone with his happiness. My daugher is “putting up” with him until old enough not to have to see him much anymore.
Me, I love the calm in my home now and feel disgusted when I have to see him.
(IRELAND) You would really want to hear yourself. Why is it that women who steal a man from his wife can’t see the hurt they cause? Why do you all think they work so hard to keep the affair secret? Wake up; it’s because they want their wives.
(USA) I’m sorry, but I find it funny that the women all say it is because they love or want their wives more than the other woman. I’m sorry to tell you that while in some cases this may be true, in most it is not. Men crave the status quo and are fearful of that ending, not necessarily the relationship. Make no mistake, this does not mean the men are not attached to their wives in many ways but more often then not it is not because they love and want to be with their wife more than another woman or the “other” woman. It is more often than not that they cannot live without the home they have created that enables them to have a certain sense of stability and comfort.
I personally, would not want to remain in a relationship like this whether I took vows or not. We have one life. Marriage, while it’s a beautiful concept is just not necessary in many of today’s societies. One life people. Do you want to spend it laying next to someone who is there solely based on a vow or would you prefer to have the person next to you for life who actually does love you? Marriage is not necessary to have this by the way, but if it makes you more comfortable to live in that kind of union, then by all means find the person who will actually fulfill that. And as for women stealing another man… can’t happen if the man really wants to remain. The woman didn’t take vows, your men did.
(USA) Odd, most of the women posting in this topic are married as well, which means they did take vows as well. There is a certain wisdom to God’s plan to have sex with only your spouse. It avoids the sticky situations such as are described in these affairs.
I certainly don’t think God is going to give an unmarried person in an affair a pass simply because it was the other person who took the vows.
(USA) But Tony, sexual infidelity is IMHO the least of the issue. Sex is usually (but not always) a part of an affair but in many cases it is much much more than that. Is it in God’s plan that you remain with someone solely because of vows and not because of spiritual and emotional connection? These things are much more important in the long term. No one is saying an unmarried person is going to get a pass but ultimately it is the person who made vows who is actually betraying the person they took the vows with.
But if my husband or partner became emotionally detached from me and attached to another, it is not because of vows or God that I will remain. My point is, life is too short. I want to spend my days with someone who actually wants to be there, a true forsaking all others, not because religion or church or community says I should remain.
(USA) Bertha, One keeps their vows not just because they love their spouse. The vow is made to God as well as your spouse. Breaking the vow means you don’t love GOD enough to honor the vow you made to him. When one betrays their spouse they are ALSO betraying God.
So to apply your logic, you are saying that you don’t have enough love for God to honor the vow of marriage made with both Him and your spouse.
(USA) Conversely, it could be said that God doesn’t love us enough to ask us to remain in this type of union.
(USA) Actually, God allows one to divorce an unfaithful spouse. However, the ones participating in the affair or simply choose to divorce a spouse because they no longer feel they love them, are demonstrating their lack of love for God. I John 5:3 “For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome.”
The best way to demonstrate that you love God is to keep His commandments. I don’t believe that simply means the 10 Commandments but also what Christ taught and what was taught by Paul.
One doesn’t have to remain with an unfaithful spouse. However, that’s the only reason given in scripture to divorce. I fail to see a scripture about if you no longer feel you love your spouse, making it OK to choose divorce.
(USA) Bertha, Thank you so much for this post. It is, in my opinion, right on. I am married and have been in an affair with a married man for over 6 months. His wife found out and it has been ugly. He has promised her to end it with me so many times and has not been able to. At the risk of sounding like a ridiculous female, I know he loves me like I love him. He recently sent an email to me telling me he would have NO contact with me and said that he loves his wife with all his heart. Funny, just several days ago he said that he married her out of respect.
You are right, he stays married for his kids (which I understand) and the comfort of home and not to lose a load of money as she does not work. And he stays for his religious community. Does his wife really want that in a husband? I wouldn’t. Not for anything in the world. I am certainly not condoning an affair in any way. But, to quote you: “One life people. Do you want to spend it laying next to someone who is there solely based on a vow or would you prefer to have the person next to you for life who actually does love you?”
This is how I feel. He will never be happy. But, he’ll have his house and his paycheck. I would give all that up for the love of my life.
(USA) Could not have said it better myself!!
(USA) If a man does not belong to a woman, he is his own. Therefore you cannot steal what has been offered to you.
(S.AFRICA) Dear Emma, I was on the receiving end of a woman such as you. She drew my husband away, and also said when he came back to ME, HIS WIFE, that WE would never be happy. She continued to lure him away with promises of great happiness and he fell for it. Once divorce proceedings started she dumped him. Please do not ever convince yourself that your man does not love his wife. We are happier now than ever before. He realizes his mistake and we happily moved on together leaving the likes of her behind. A hard lesson, but worth it.
(INDIA) Hi, I do understand your position, have been in a similar position in past and am still carrying the scars… That man never loved you. He was only using you. From what I understand, things were not going well between him and his wife, you made him feel good about himself, he was drawing energy out of you and channeling it toward his wife… nothing meant much to him anyways.
I know, now that your husband knows about it, it must be difficult to make thing normals between yourself and him. But, please for God’s sake, for your sake, even though you feel you don’t love him, stay with him, nurture your relationship, just hang in there. Even if much more is not possible, just say friends with your husband. Slowly things will evolve… your husband sounds like a decent man. Count your blessings and think of the time with that man as a black chapter which is now closed.
(USA) I know that it may not be intentional, but on this post, I frequently read about wives or women who are having affairs as being “used”. While that may be true, it is also equally true that they are “using” the man that they have are having the affair with. Affairs are all about people using other people due to their brokenness. When a man and woman are having an affair they are both using each other and “getting” something out of it; it is not a one-sided arrangement.
(CANADA) You asked why he had to lie? It’s because that is the only way he could make you lower your standards. It’s sad that so many happily married men with great sex lives with their wives, will lie to other women. They know women are sympathetic and rescuers by nature. And these men rarely leave their wives. And when they do, they rarely marry their lover. Double-whammy.
In general, it’s best to stay away from married men. Married guys like me too. I’ve had several fall for me. But you have to keep very high barriers up. Keep everything businesslike so this doesn’t happen again.
TIP: Use the love and self-esteem he built up in you, to love and build up some nice single guy. When a woman has been truly loved, she is able to pass that love along to the next person.
(USA) Apparently, that’s what my ex-wife did when she had her affair. She had no problem passing on the real love I showed her to another man.
So not only do married men lie. Married women are equal to the task of lying and passing on their spouses love to another.
(USA) The heartbreak, betrayal and anger you feel as well as the confusion about how this man could do this to you pales in comparison to the pain and heartache and disappointment that your husband must have felt about YOUR actions after he discovered the affair.
You have barely mentioned him in your post. He is your husband and a much better person than you if he has never had an affair. You must stop avoiding your guilt and living in this separate reality and recognize what you have done and take steps to salvage what you can in your current marriage or leave if you are unhappy!
An affair is THE ABSOLUTE most painful thing you can do to someone. You should always address and try to fix problems in your marriage or end it before inflicting such a horrible thing on someone. Also you have assisted in hurting everyone related to the affair.
(EUROPE) I am a betrayed wife whose husband did pretty much the same thing. He too told his lover how much he loved her but did not think twice about dumping her the second I found out about the affair. Now he is acting in the same way as the person that you are describing.
I have spent many hours and tears thinking about the same things that are bothering you. For me, the emotional part of the affair was the hardest one to bear and forgive -actually, even with all of his efforts, I’m not quite there yet. So why did he tell her all those things, when he was so ready to forget all about her in a blink of an eye?
I think that in the moment that he was saying it, he believed that it was the truth, at least to a certain point. After many years of marriage, a new and a passionate relationship can have an incredible power, and with no doubt it is very, very strong. After getting from his lover what he had been missing for years in his marriage, the cheater no doubt feels very much in love. But being ‘in love’ really doesn’t last that long, and once the cheater starts to see things more realisticly, things change.
Then it’s a question of how bad this marriage really was, and which one of the two, (wife or the lover) is the one he would rather spend his life with. Your ex lover probably spent a lot of time talking to his wife after the affair, and realised that he too, was the culprit for all the things that were wrong with the marriage. (Cheaters like to blame it all on the betrayed partner while they are cheating, don’t they?) He had to see her pain. He realised what he had done to her and to their marriage.
The reasons that he now thinks/talks about the acts as if you were a bad person:
-His wife probably hates you (it’s him that betrayed her, but if she loves him, it’s easier to dump the blame on the you). Because of this, he feels that by putting you down he is somehow closer to her –united against the ‘bad outsider’ that wants them apart.
-He regrets what he did, and when he acts as if he was sick of you, he is really sick of himself for hurting her that way. He does probably consider you and what he had with you the worst mistake of his life, and doesn’t like to think about it.
Forget this man, because he does love his wife. He probably didn’t want to hurt you. He’s made his choice now, and you have no other choice than to let it go. Turn to your husband and talk to him. Try to understand what was missing from the marriage that made you have the affair in the first place. Tell him everything.
Maybe you can get what you need from the one you should be getting it from. And maybe someday you will understand at least partially what you did to him. And by thinking of this other guy and ‘trying to fix the marriage’ at the same time, you’re still doing it.
(USA) It seems to me that maybe you have a blindspot and don’t see things as they really are! Maybe he did, does love you, but you don’t realize you never expressed the same to him, because you didn’t love him too or just refused to say it. Why would someone commit to you if you don’t love them… as shown by your refusal to say so? Maybe if you were honest with him, things would be totally different.
Let me warn though, this must be done in person. There’s nothing as unbelievable as an expression or promise of love over the internet or even the phone. It needs to be face to face and eye to eye, try it. You will be shocked at how everything changes for you both!
(INDIA) Jackie, you deserve that. You now feel the pain you caused to this lady and the family.
(USA) I know that many other women justify cheating with a married man by saying the wife was not giving him something he needed. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe they were going through a rough patch in their marriage? Maybe they were trying to work on it? Maybe one of them had been sick? Maybe he was at the age that he wanted to have a fling to see if he still had it? There are so many variables to consider. But not one of them is anybody elses business except theirs.
Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, he was lying to you to rid the guilt of an affair and he really had a good wife? Did you ever think that maybe they were both a pain to one another but they still loved each other? A marriage is between those 2 people only. Not for you to decide how it turns out unless it’s yours. No ifs, ands, or butts… if you are having an affair with a married man, you are an interloper.
(USA) Dear Jackie, I read your blog with much sympathy. I myself have been having an affair. And one thing you have to tell yourself is that if he’s cheating on his wife, he is probably a habitual liar. What he is doing with you, he will do to you. You can’t trust a man that cheats. You said he contacted you eventually and said he regrets ever being involved with you. I can tell you his wife probably put him up to that. It makes her feel like she has control over him again. And is also her way of punishing him and you.
I am wanting so bad to stop being in contact with the man I’m involved with because it’s such an unhealthy situation. My husband is really a better man than he is. But you can get addicted to a person.
Jackie, please just take one minute at a time and give yourself time to heal. Don’t try to figure it all out. You’ll drive yourself nuts and use up all your energy asking yourself… why did he do that… why did he say this… why is he doing that, if he said this to me???? Don’t ever hook up with a married man again sweetheart. Don’t think about getting on the internet looking for a guy unless it’s a respectable online dating service. I wish you peace.
(USA) Yes you are so right. A person who strays in a marriage is a habitual liar. They are often people who can see everyone’s faults but their own. That is why so often they blameshift by claiming the spouse caused the affair. In reality both people need to tend to a marriage to keep it healthy.
The only time that is not true is when you are dealing with a person who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder. Then in that case one person may be the only cause of the marital conflict. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one such personality disorder. It enables a person to feel entitled to have things that are outside the societal norm. It is sad but true.
(USA) Jackie, My heart breaks for you. As of this morning, I have asked the man that I was having an affair with (I am married and so is he), to not contact me anymore. I have slowly, a little bit at a time, over the last month ended it because I knew that it was not going to go anywhere.
He told me that I was his "sole mate", that "I was the best thing that has ever happened to him", that "he wanted to grow old with me", that "he never thought that he would ever feel this way again", that "he is upset because he settled for the person he married and didn’t know that someone like me existed" that "he has never loved anyone or wanted to take care of someone in his life, like he does me"….the list goes on and on and on…..
His wife found out that he was talking to someone and confronted him (and of course "we were just friends" and that he enjoyed talking to me because I listened to him). The funny thing is that I ended things verbally with him just about 10 days prior. I know he was down so I’m sure that it created a wonderment in her mind as to why he was so down and things had been off for awhile. After she found out, he told me that he couldn’t leave her because he couldn’t hurt her, and I told him that was good, because I didn’t want him to leave her. But in the same breath he told me that he wanted to be with me forever…
The whole affair lasted just shy of 9 months with the 10th month doing everything in my power to prepare myself to end things completely…..I am in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but never ever once asked or insinuated that he leave his wife or family. Who wants that on their conscience?!?! I have in fact, the whole entire time, when he would talk about not wanting to be with her, but with me, I would tell him that he couldn’t, that his children 4 of them ages 13 and under) needed him and that he must have loved his wife (even though he said he never did, he felt pressured to get married) at some point in time and needed to get counseling…Oh my goodness the different levels this affair took is unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!
I am now on my 11th hour of no contact with him….He said that he wouldn’t burden me anymore (this all took place via text because since his wife found out that he was talking to someone on his cell phone, he hasn’t been able to call me from it nor me him because of the phone logs that she can pull up on the computer, so this all took place via text). Then I asked him not to contact me anymore, and part of me really hopes he doesn’t and part of me hopes he does, even though I won’t be responding to him…. I need to go through the withdrawal stage of this affair and get past it.
My husband is the most incredible man and I still can’t believe at this moment that I did this to him even though he doesn’t know. The feelings for the other man has changed my feelings towards my husband, even though I was questioning my love for him even prior to meeting this man. I don’t know how they can ever change back, but I have been doing a lot of reading on the internet and even though I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel as of yet, it gives great hope that I will be able to at some point. BUT…..I have to get through the withdrawal phase first — IT’S AN ADDICTION!!!
The bottom line is that I was providing emotional needs that his wife was not. But at the same time, there were emotional needs that he was still getting from her so in essence, he needs both of us to have all of his needs met. But I will not allow him to use me as a filler to survive his life even though he said that it was bad.
The last conversation I had with him, I asked if they spoke about counseling and he said that they did, but that nothing has transpired with it and that he doesn’t see what the purpose is because it won’t work (the counseling) unless he wants it to and he doesn’t and hasn’t for 8-9 years… He lost whatever he had a LONG TIME AGO.
As much as I know he does love me (if you have had any time with them and have been able to really be a part of their world and provide emotional needs that were not being met at home, they do love you), the bottom line is that he was not mine to have. Even though they (yours and mine) are not be able to see things clearly because having us in their world has clouded things for them, they did love their wife at one point and there is a difference between attachment and love — Even if they really don’t love their wife, they are still attached to her. They are comfortable and know what to expect even if it’s bickering and arguing…it’s still familiar and that will always overcome the "love" that he has for you… That’s why married men very rarely leave their wives for the other woman.
It’s a tough situation….Know that he is thinking about you just as you are him….You are an addiction to him, as he is to you whether you can see that right now. It’s not easy for him to remove from you his thoughts unless he has no contact with you ever — This is what the finalization letter to you was about…It’s a step that has to be taken in order for his marriage to have any chance at all.
I really doubt that he regrets being with you, because you were filling a void in his life, but it’s going to be what a counselor suggests in order to help his wife feel as though she is still the #1 spot…and truly, she is because she was there first — Just remember that as much as it hurts, he would not have married his wife if he didn’t love her to some degree but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t have feelings for you as well…He has to pick one of you over the other and the only obvious choice was the one that he made…
I wish you the best of luck — Try reading online about anything and everything that you can on why men cheat, the probabilities of them leaving their wife for you, the addiction that affairs create and how to begin to recover, why you got involved with a married man, etc…There is a great deal of information out there – It has given me the strength over the last month to finally do what I did today…I just hope it sticks, but I have every intention of never talking to him again even if he does try to contact me…
Sorry my post was so long, but felt I needed to share my story with you in order to feel like I had any validity in telling you what I have…. Jess
(USA) Jess — thanks SO much for your post. I hung on, and can relate to every word. As it is, I have fallen short on my commitment to break it off completely, but as of this week, I have not taken his phone calls, and just called him back but for a brief exchange… it IS so very hard, and I know the love feels so real. It is. But the truth is, we DESERVE to be number 1 in someone’s life, and not the “secret”.
(USA) Jess, Terri and Jackie, I have been involved in an affair for 16 months with an amazing man. The truth is after reading what you all wrote and the anguish I feel about ending it, I don’t want to be that “secret.” I want to be someone’s number one. I am so afraid that I will never find with someone else, what I have with him. The comfortability, the way we can talk for hours about nothing and it seems like hours, the endless texting. The feeling in my stomach when I see him. How it feels when he touches me. I bet you all know that feeling.
Everyone talks of it being an addiction. When he leaves me and goes home to his wife, I feel empty, lost, hurt, and heartbroken. I know he will never leave her cause he is comfortable in his life. We never talk about it, it’s like this “tabu” issue. Every ounce of me wants to end it but I just can’t. My mind says “go” and my heart says “stay”. My heart says just give it a little more time, he can’t live without you. My head says you’re out of your mind, he will never leave her. You will always be 2nd best. The secret, the one who fills the needs that he doesn’t get at home. I just adore him and truly fell in love with him.
I was married to a very abusive man when I met this man. He saved my life and showed me that I was worth something. Showed me that someone could love me for who I was. I got up enough courage to leave my abuser and now I am happy. But everyday I am in anguish over this affair. I’m a Christian woman who is beaten and broken about what I am doing but don’t have the strength to just”walk” and never talk to him again. He is my best friend.
Yeah, I know you all are saying sure he is, just do it, move on get away, run. God only knows when I will do it. Does there come a time when you are just ready? When you’re sick and tired of being “#2″? I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night and think about the what ifs… I know I love him and I know he loves me. But I also know that he will never leave her. Help, Michelle
(USA) Someone who will cheat on his wife is far from amazing in any good sort of fashion. I agree, he’s amazing, amazingly bad.
(UK) He will never leave her. Give up and move on. You deserve your own man, not someone else’s nightmare. She’s made her bed and she has to sleep in it. You don’t. Move on, no matter how hard it is. He is not worth it and he will never ever change.
(UK) Your post is old, and I’m sure you’re long out of that nightmare. But for anyone who is reading this in January of 2011, I have to say something about all this. Anyone can fall victim to a man’s lies. By nature, women are sympathetic, care-giving, and nurturers. You meet someone who seems miserable, but with you he’s happy, and you just want to make everything okay.
And I know that married men don’t leave their wives. I found that out the hard way first hand. But I also know that a woman who has Daddy issues is easy prey to men like these. I’m not excusing the behavior, or saying that it’s justifiable, it’s dead wrong. And I cried my eyes out every day for months, contemplated suicide, and almost checked myself into a mental health facility. I’ve paid for my mistake every day. And it wasn’t fun, exciting, getting away with something. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt and I would never do it again.
No one has the right to judge anybody because you don’t know what he told her. You don’t know what her experiences were prior to meeting him. Any woman that becomes involved with a MM that is clearly a liar and a cheat to the rest of the world, but she’s too blind to see it, is emotionally and psychologically unfit to begin with.
I don’t think that most of the other women are vindictive, selfish, spiteful, home-wreckers, but I’m pretty sure they probably grew up in a house with a parent that was at least one of those, or all of them for that matter. You learn by example. You don’t just wake up one day and say, hey, I’m single, every man out there is fair game; I don’t care if he’s married or not.
(US) Hi Jess, I just ended a 4 year affair with the love of my life. I have never cheated on anyone; I never in a million years thought I would ever do something like this. I am a good person; I have been married for 16 years to a man that I stopped loving years ago. We have children and I have stayed for them. My husband is a good man, but the connection is gone. I tried, but it never came back. I met “John” through work and he was at a low point in his marriage as well. He married his high school sweetheart and he never had been unfaithful before. We were friends for 10 months before we crossed the line and four years later, I finally ended it. He is married with children and although he loves me, he wasn’t going to be with me. Married women, who have not gone through this, will not understand what it is like. I know because I used to be one of them who judged “the other woman”. We are human, and we make mistakes. I followed my heart; and not my head and I paid the price. I fell in love with someone and until you are in that situation, you have no idea. It isn’t black or white; an affair is all about the grey in between.
I ended this relationship 8 or 9 times over the 4 years; always trying to do the right thing but it is very hard to leave someone whom you feel you cannot live without; whom you feel was the person you were supposed to be with. Each time I ended it; I immediately regretted it, and we were back. Our relationship wasn’t even based on sex. We did have it and the connection was great when we did, but we were more an emotional affair. We were best friends and he made me laugh and feel like no man ever had before.
However, like you all know, affairs are draining. It is draining to live two separate lives and as the years went on, and the reality came clearer and clearer, that he loved me but was never going to do anything about it, I finally woke up and thought… as much as I love him, he does not deserve my energy anymore. It was now or never and his actions of not doing anything about being together, clearly spoke louder than any words he ever spoke to me. I am an intelligent individual. I know that by being with me, 2 families were going to be split up. I didn’t want that; I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but I also wanted him at some point in my life. At some point, after your children are old enough, can you not start living your life again? Do you not deserve happines again? I would have waited for him, until our children were older, but he never gave me that option. He always said, “I don’t know what I will do down the road”. Eventually I learned that that meant… no. How did I clearly know what I wanted, but he didn’t?
Men and women are different. Men learn to swim in this sea of emotion and confusion; but women don’t. We allow our emotions; our feelings to take over and when it comes to love, we aren’t rationale. Men that are involved in these relationships have learned to compartmentalize their lives. I’m not saying they aren’t emotional; they are – John was, but it is easier for them to accept how things are and deal with them. Their lives are their families; and we are a component; a sub-category of their lives. I always said I was his work-wife; I was his girlfriend from 9 – 6.
It was very hard to finally accept that as much as I loved this man; as much as I would have done anything for him; we would never be together. He was never going to be with me; not even as his children got older. I finally realized that allowing myself to accept less than I deserved was no longer a healthy option for me. I am in my mid-forties and I don’t want the rest of my life to be waiting on someone or something that will never be. I needed to be happy and it felt like years since I had been. I was happy when I was with him or talking to him, but when we hung up the phone, I felt empty again. This is no way to live. We only have one life.
This breakup now feels right. I have had my moments of sorrow but never once have I felt that I did the wrong thing. The energy that I spent on us will now be better and more positively used trying to rebuild myself and find happiness again. I am with my husband still, he never knew, and I know I will never love my husband again. I care for him but I don’t have any connection with him but as I said, he is a good man, a good provider, and the father of my children. I am here for my children and will be the best person I can in this situation. It still doesn’t sound ideal but without having John in my life, it will be come easier and perhaps I will find my way again. This part of the healing will happen day by day.
I know I will love John forever and he will have a bit of my heart always, but if I meant to him what he meant to me, I wouldn’t be writing this note right now, would I? We all have decisions in life to make and I was willing to wait to be with him, but he couldn’t ever offer me that same commitment.
It took me 4 years to finally make a decision and begin a new journey. I’ve wondered if he will miss me like I him. I wonder if he will regret losing me. I wonder if the void I filled in his life will remain empty now that I am gone. The answer to these questions are… perhaps, but it doesn’t matter anymore. What matters now is me and working at finding myself again.
(USA) Sara – it is several months down the road – how are you doing?
(USA) Sara, I wish there was some way I could talk to you. Your situation (age and everything) is so much like mine. Right now I’m dealing with the fact that the man I’ve been with claims that his wife found out about us. Certain parts of his story just don’t add up and I think he may by lying, not to hurt me but thinking it’s the only way to end our relationship with no chance of starting over. I’m so lost and hurt right now because he claims he cannot even contact me or his marriage is over. We never even got to say goodbye. He never tried to act like he would leave her and I accepted that. I would have rather had part of him than none of him. I just want to know that I will be over the pain of losing him some day.
I’d also like to know if you’ve found a way to fall in the love with your husband again.
(UK) Ladies, I am in the same situation as you. I have been seeing a married man for a year now; I too am married. His wife recently found out. He still wants to see me and I still want to see him, but I’m wondering, should I get out now before it’s too late or before my husband finds out? I am always trying to break it off because I know it’s the wrong thing to do, I just struggle when I have.
I know that if I really say the word, I can make him leave his wife and I would leave my husband and children. But as you have already mentioned, I could never live with myself if I tore two families apart. I wish I never got myself in this situation. I thank God for this web site where I could read similar stories. There are so many highs and lows experienced in having an affair. Sarah and Emma how are you doing?
(USA) Sapphire, I’m not doing well at all. We have been in contact again. Back and forth. His wife found more email conversations and kicked him out. The first couple of days he was talking of a future between the two of us. I don’t think he was expecting her to be strong enough to kick him out of the house. He missed his kids terribly but said he was relieved. That lasted a few days and I just received an email asking me to never contact him again and that he was going to work on his marriage. He will stay with his wife whether he loves her or not. And my heart is broken.
Please take my advice and get out now. It is not worth the pain you will go through when it ends. I can’t tell you enough, that for your own good, you need to end it. He is destroying me.
(PHILS) Hi Jess. I wonder how you’re doing now. I could completely relate with everything that you wrote. In fact, it felt like I was reading about me. Were you successful?
(USA) Jess, I am about to do tell the man I have been having an affair with to not contact me. (He is married with 2 kids and I am, as well.) Please, please let me know if was sucessfull for you??? I am dying to know if this will be worth it. I can already feel the pain and it hasn’t even happened yet!
(USA) Sigh! When will affairees realize that addiction to a person is not love. An affair is a the thrill of the chase, a new romance, a continual dating situation in which each partner is dressed up, has their party manners on and can even be someone else, if they so choose. It is a fantasy. It is not the real love of warts and all. That is why most men stay with their spouses.
Women who have affairs are somewhat different in that most women who have affairs will leave their spouse for the affair partner. The reasons for this are complex and unique. Staying, is not typically about money for men, though.
One person told me he never planned on leaving his wife, even though he told his affair partner he did. He loved his wife but the sex was boring. He also said he told the affair partner what he did because how else would he bring her closer? Most women do not stray for sex. He also said she took care of him and he trusted her. Very ironic, no?
(AUSTRALIA) John, actually I disagree. I believe many (not all) affairs include ‘love’. The start of an affair starts like any other relationship. It’s stage one of romantic relationships. The ‘infatuation’ stage, the spark, the butterflys in the stomach. It’s wonderful and integral beginning of most romantic relationships. It is most definitely a type of ‘love’. And yes, this is most definitely addictive (clingy, need, selfish), in either an affair or ‘normal’ relationship.
This is where affairs stop mirroring ‘normal’ relationships. They, because they are secret in nature, cannot mature to the next natural phase of the love relationship. They are not tested against the stresses and strains of real life. They remain ‘stuck’ as it were in this addictive/infatuation stage.
I totally agree with your comments about the gender differences. Typically a women is more likely to want to leave and start a new life with the affair partner. She is typically less happy in her marriage to begin with. It is harder for her to go back and love her husband (who she was already doubting she loved before the affair) as she now loves the affair partner. Women, it seems, can only give their affections to one man at a time!!
The man, having the affair, is more likely to be happy in his marriage. If he ‘loves’ his wife (although he is betraying her!) his ‘love’ remains unchanged. He simply can ‘love’ (stage one/feelings of love!) more than one woman. I believe, though they do suffer when the affair ends, but they can better readjust to recommiting to the marriage. (Yeah, I know I am generalizing here!).
There are too many problems when you don’t stay within the bounds of marriage. I have been there. NEVER again. It was very brief, no sex but a continuous unstoppable pain… Don’t do it!!
(CANADA) I agree. Don’t do it! Ask yourself why you are attracted to another person. Something is not right with you and needs to be addressed. Confess the feelings you are having to someone you can trust. Do not ignore your feelings, because they will become stronger. Do not allow yourself to be alone with the person in conversations, verbal or written, or meetings. Nothing good can come of it. Don’t do it! Blessings
(ASIA) Thank you for sharing… I’m at my 13th hour of no contact. I’m having withdrawal symptoms and crying non stop –which I don’t understand why I am crying. Yes, my husband is a wonderful man –he caught me months ago and is still so supportive and positive with our marriage.
I need to snap out of it quick but don’t know how… Can someone please tell me I’m normal to tear up endlessly at this point and please tell me why I’m tearing up endlessly… I really don’t understand.
(UNITED STATES) Jackie, I feel your heartache, I am married and have been having an affair with a married man for 2 years now. I have fallen deeply in love with him. We have been seeing each other at least twice a week for over 1 year. I ended up getting pregnant with his baby and during my 22nd week I lost the baby. It is killing me, but I feel as if it scared him so bad that he is trying to stay away from me now.
Our spouses know about the affair and the baby. I am to the point now that I am ready to end the affair completely but I still love this man with all of my heart and it is killing me when I think about never seeing him again. Sometimes I do not think I will survive the separation from him. He is everything to me that my husband has never been and we have so many things in common that we both say all of the time that we wish we would have met 20 years ago.
I know that this is what I have got to do, but I am not sure exactly how to walk away.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Dear Jess, Your post really moved me. I have been having an affair for 10 years now. I am nearly 28. I was 17 when we got together. He is now 51. I am now at that stage of realizing a lot of things and it is so painful. I feel he is my soul mate and best friend but then how can he treat his best friend this way??? I know he has lots of issues and I feel that I have over the years wanted to help him. I always thought that he had a chance to be a better person and love himself more and that I was the one to save him. Plus, we have had a very healthy sex life together so he had emotional support and sexual fulfillment from me.
I now realise that I have not had the emotional support I needed from him as the support I started to need was because of the fact I was being strung along by him so the relationship has created a need for support. I really truly and utterly believed his lies and promises that he would leave his girlfriend. He says things like “I have never really loved anyone before I met you” and whenever I have threatened to finish things with him he says “fine that’s your choice, I’m gonna leave her anyway” and then that always convinced me to hang around because I’ve come this far I might as well wait a little longer as he’s gonna leave her, and then I will regret finishing it with him. So for many years I have actually felt trapped and have not known what to do so I chose to trust in him and believe him. It actually feels like having a carrot dangling in front of your face and he’s saying I’m gonna give you this carrot; it is actual torment.
The other day I had a moment of suddenly waking up from his stuff. He was at work and I was on the phone with him. I asked him if he would see me later (I often saw him almost every night, he said he couldn’t stand being at home and would rather be with me). He said he couldn’t see me because he had to go to his daughter’s parents evening. Her school is at the bottom of my street. Then he slipped up and said he might see me but it depends on what time he gets out of work and then said “I mean the parents evening.” I then realized that he could not see me because he was working late not because he had to attend a parents evening. I am disgusted that he would use his children for the sake of a petty lie at the time he said “I’m sorry I can’t see you; oh I hate this. I feel like I have to choose between you and the kids all the time” to which I replied feeling guilty, “It doesn’t matter, forget it.”
I drove past the school on the way to the petrol station that night as I needed to see for myself if he was lying or if I was paranoid and guess what? the school was locked up with no lights on and no parents evening. It was at that moment that I woke up and realized that if this man in which I blindly thought the “sun shone on him” could lie and drag his daughter into that lie; if he is capable of that, How could I ever trust him and if he would go to such extremities to lie then he is capable of many hurtful and bad things.
I had suspected a terrible lie from him once and I wasn’t sure if I was right because it was so ugly if it was true that I did not want to think that any human being could lie that way.
He rang me up once and said he could not see me that night as he was at the hospital because they had rushed his daughter in and she had to have an emergency operation to have her appendix out as they were about to burst. This happened on a Friday. The following Monday I asked him if he had a good day and what had he done that day he said “yeah been really busy not stopped, went picking the kids up (he named them both as he said this), from school.”
I said “Hasn’t *** had her appendix out 3 days ago? Surely they wont let her in school so soon.” He said that they did let her in. I thought right away that he was feeding me a line but it made me feel sick inside and I didn’t think he was so evil as to use his daughter’s health and life as part of a lie just not to see me, but after the other day I now know he did.
Sorry for rambling, guess I had a lot to say. I would advise anyone who is having an affair has not been with him/her for that long or is thinking of getting involved in one not to!!! It has made me feel very depressed and it is very hard and totally stupid thing to do. They never leave!!! What is the hardest is that I REALLY did believe that he would, he was so convincing.
Love is not and never is enough. Someone can promise you the earth, tell you they love you, but if you ain’t got respect and dignity from them, then it’s not worth it no matter how you feel for them.
(KENYA) Dear Kaz, Angie, Michelle, Terri, Jess, Phoebe, Firsttimelinecrossing and Jackie, to start with, I have no pity for you guys. I am amazed first of all that you are all married women having affairs, not some young girls with no direction apart from Kaz. It’s a big shame on you guys. In short you are all death. The Bible says .. till death do us part and the irony is you are death to other people’s marriages and your own marriages. The saw is cutting both ways and you are the ones suffering most. That’s why you are hurting, confused, empty and heartbroken.
Instead of rejuvenating your own marriages and bringing back the sparks you are filling in, mostly sexually, other peoples gaps. You are being used and you feel it in your bones but won’t acknowledge it. The second amazing thing is, I am from Africa, and from this web site, one thing is for sure, because it happens here too, MEN NEVER LEAVE THEIR WIVES FOR THE OTHER WOMAN!!! It doesn’t matter what they say, they are lying. Please, pick up yourselves, shake off these men and concentrate on your own marriages. Above all, you gals need JESUS to help you love your poor husbands and to be true to them.
Hi Jackie, Phoebe, Jess, and Angie, I’ve been reading your postings and have been praying for each of you. However, it wasn’t until today as I was again praying for you, that I felt lead to reach out and write to encourage you as you work to break off the affairs and try to restore your love relationships with your husbands.
I want to tell you that from everything I’ve read, and the people I’ve known who have had affairs, they say that the first few weeks after breaking up with their lovers, can be especially difficult because of the addictive nature of the affair. I encourage you to do all you can to just get through this time without contacting your lovers. Any addict knows that the first few weeks after breaking off from that which they were addicted to, is an EXTREMELY painful time, but a necessary one, if they are to get onto the road to recovery. There are additional things they must do after that, so they don’t relapse, but first things first. I read something today in a newsletter written by Dr Willard Harley (of Marriage Builders), that I thought I’d pass on to you — hoping it would help in some way. He wrote:
“The first few weeks of separation from a lover are very painful. You are addicted to your lover, and separation from the object of your addiction has triggered symptoms of withdrawal — a compulsive craving for him with intense feelings of anxiety and depression. However, if you completely avoid seeing or communicating with your lover, those feelings of anxiety and depression will gradually fade. For most people they fade in a few weeks. But even if it takes longer to get through withdrawal, it is absolutely essential to do it if you want to restore your love for your husband.
“…But if you give into your craving before withdrawal has ended, and contact your lover, the period of withdrawal will begin all over again. Those feelings of anxiety and depression will come back with a vengeance. All of your efforts to reconcile with your husband will be wasted, and it will test the limits of your husband’s patience. So you must take extraordinary precautions to avoid ever seeing or communicating with him again.”
I thought this might help you in the battle you are now waging to totally break free from the affairs you’ve been involved in.
Dr Harley goes on to give a lot of additional information that may help you through this time, as well as advice to help you in working on your marriage. While I don’t always agree with everything he says, most of the advice seems to be sound and helpful. (You should always glean through whatever advice you get from any counselor. Pray about it, and then grab onto that which is spiritually sound and that which you can use, and throw away the rest.)
The above quotes from Dr Harley comes from a question/answer article titled “Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair.” If you’d like to read it, you can go to: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html
I hope this helps in some way. I am praying for you and for your spouses and your restored and renewed marriage relationships (and so are many others who visit this sight as well, I’m sure). I’m so glad that you’re trying to encourage and help one another during this painful time. Strength comes when you unite with the Lord and you band together in community with others who care and understand and want the best for you. You can see this in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.
(NIGERIA) Cindy, thanks for the encouragement you are giving to our troubled sisters. Condemnation and name calling does not help in any way. God wants all people to be reconciled to Him no matter how low they have fallen. To every person struggling to get out of an affair, don’t give up. Get out of it, get all the help you can and get out. You will win.
Thanks Aidee, Your words of encouragement mean more than I can say. How I wish everyone got it, concerning your message of helping those who struggle, rather than name-calling & cursing them with hateful words. All that does is give the enemy of our faith more fuel to cause further trouble.
(USA) I came across this website tonight on a Google search. I went on a dating website out of curiosity. I had been married at the time 24 plus years. I just wanted to talk to some guys on-site only and learn about some "linky stuff". My husband had been spending a lot of time at the gym with his friend and I would sit home on the computer. I began having cyber sex out of loneliness. I found out my husband had been going to strip clubs off and on and was getting lap dances and I was devastated.
In my hurt I met a man just to talk in a bookstore. We played a bit in his van afterwards and within the next week had started an affair. That was 17 months ago. AT the time he and his wife were separated, she returned to their home a month later. I am feeling pretty guilty about all of this and can’t seem to feel God anymore…or seem to rarely, and that scares me.
Because of my emotional attachment to this man who I love, I am not in love with my husband in the same way anymore. I know I need to break things off but I am not sure how I can do this. It has gone on so long. I am scared. I kept hoping after his youngest was out of school we could be together. She has 4 more years to go. I know I need to stop this before it gets worse. I have asked Jesus to forgive me but I am feeling so weak.
(USA) Cindy — I can’t thank you enough for the prayers you are putting forth to all of us in this situation — They are needed and felt!!! Hugs…
Angel — What you are going through is one of the toughest things in the world to experience. You feel like there is absolutely no way of being able to pull out of it and feel like a person unless he is there walking the road with you. Just know one thing though, if you continue the road you are on with him, it will be the LONGEST road of your life that will ultimately take you to a dead end!
I know what you are talking about as far as your feelings having changed for your husband; mine did/have as well. We become so empowered in the euphoria of the A (affair) that ALL of our judgment (good and bad) is completely clouded — All you see is Him, You/Him together, etc, etc. But please know that you are just not able to see things clearly because you are still in the midst but that if you break things off, with NC (no contact) at all, eventually that fog lifts and you are able to see him and the situation for what it really is/was.
Make no doubt that Christ is right beside you and is hurting sooooo badly for you!! I had/have this struggle as well and as much as I wanted to fool myself in the beginning to believe that I could walk on both sides, I was sorely mistaken and I think you are aware of that as well. My relationship with Christ (praying, etc) pretty much came to non-existent because of the shame I was feeling and the desires of the flesh that I was wanting — I was wanting to be with the OM (other man)….How in the world do you pray about that when you already are fully aware of what His word says?????? So, you try to fool yourself into thinking that you just made a mistake in marrying your H (husband) and that since it was a mistake, it’s ok to have found your Soul Mate, Your True Partner for Life, this man who fills your empty love bank to overflowing!!
But, how full is your love bank feeling right now? Take a look at how full it felt in the beginning with this man and how actually empty it has become… This person who filled you to overflowing is now filling you up and taking it away as quick as it was put in…DRAINED all the time, feeling of hopelessness can’t focus on anything, don’t want/know how to get out of bed ever morning — That list goes on and on and on… Christ is waiting there for you to turn around and run right back into his arms and to cry your eyes out in them — He is the ONLY ONE who can fill that void and I have to be totally honest, about a week ago I could hardly even think about Christ in that capacity anymore because of the strong physical emptiness I was feeling.
YOU CAN end this!! I am now on my 8th day of total NC (no contact) with the OM (other man) and today is the first day that I feel semi-human again. The effects of this person do start to fade and wear off with each passing day but I DO have my moments where I feel like I can’t breath…I just have to give myself the time to let that feeling pass, and it does — It’s The ADDICTION trying to purge it’s way out of my system and that is what I have to stay strong through because the moment that I fall and contact him (or he me), I KNOW that it is going to put me right back into square one and probably even further!!
Please stay in contact — I need people to walk through my trials with, as you do as well.
PLEASE visit: http://www.ivillage.com — Go to message boards and put in "after an affair" in the search section. This board has been incredible for me to read and EVERYONE on there is amazing!! You will get to read the stories of people who are in every stage of an A (affair). Put your own story out there for others to share in — The support that you will receive with people actually taking the time to respond to you is soooo Uplifting.
Please stay strong and give your everything to get out of this situation… Tons of Love and Hugs, Jess
(USA) Dear Ladies, All of your comments are helping to strengthen me. I too have felt so separated from God and Jesus. I’m sick and tired of this man that I’ve attached myself too. It all started online. My husband and I have been getting closer lately but I’m still involved with this man and he’s a real selfish jerk at that. Basically a dirty old man. That I still find hard to let go of, I’ve asked myself a thousand times what is wrong with me. I deserve better than this. I’m not a whore or a slut. But I’ve been reading 2 books. "No Stones" by Marnie Ferree, and also Beth Moore’s book, "Get out of that Pit". They are both excellent. In the first book I mentioned, it talks about women and sexual addiction. Which is really not about sex at all, it is an intimacy problem. It’s not sex I want, it’s love. These problems come from feelings of abandonment as a child. Thank you all again for your comments, prayers and websites. Phoebe
(USA) Hi Phoebe, I found this link from this website one day when I was looking at a lot of different articles here. It came to mind as I read your comment.
The author, Anne, also has an interesting story – you should read about her as well. She was the victim of affair on her husband’s part and said it changed her life because she chose to let it make her a better person. I pray you continue your vigilance in cutting ties with the other man. You and your husband both deserve better, regardless of what kind of person the other man is. God cares for you and your husband and loves you and wants your marriage to be healed and restored to a better place than before.
Hope you find it helpful! Love and prayers. http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/QuestionsFromOtherWoman.htm
(USA) Hello Everyone- I need some advice. I need help with ending my affair. I don’t really know where to start, but I am relieved to find a place to talk with other women with similar problems because I can’t bring myself to talk with anyone about it. This is the second time that I have had an affair with the same man. My husband and I were married nearly a year ago. Prior to getting married, I cheated on him with a guy I had dated previously. My husband and I were engaged and I started to see my ex prior to the official engagement.
I know that my husband and I were not ready for marriage, but I think that I felt so guilty and convicted for what I did, that I was moved to marry out of shame– as though I owed him something. My husband and I had several problems in our relationship, but I overlooked a lot of things before getting married. It was strange to see my desire for my husband increase as I started to end the affair. But then shortly after our marriage, I started to see why I was falling away from him originally. As a Christian (although I obviously don’t model Christian behavior), I was moved more by what I should do and who I should marry as oppose to following my heart.
I convinced myself that my now husband was the one I should marry because he was X,Y,Z… but in the end, our marriage started to fall apart shortly thereafter. As my depression over the marriage increased, I started to isolate myself and detach myself from my husband. In making myself vulnerable, I started to strike some conversations over the internet with the guy I had previously had an affair with.
When I was originally with him, I was amazed at how much he loved and respected me. Often times in the church it is easy for women to feel belittled by men under the patriarchal system –at least if the men tend to abuse it. The guy I had the affair with was not a Christian, but I felt so much more complete with him –there was this mutual respect that I never had before.
Well, in thinking back on these memories and feelings, I opened up to him again and told him about how unhappy I was. I told him about how much I missed him and how big of a mistake I had made. During the first affair, we both loved each other so much and he wanted me to call off the wedding so bad. But, I was so ashamed of what I did, that I couldn’t bring myself to do something like that. I was so afraid of what everyone would think of me, when it came out, that I just continued with the wedding plans. I can tend to have a low self-esteem and confidence in myself, that allows people to walk all over me and keeps me from making decisions for myself.
I know that I hurt my lover very much. I remember the day that I told him I couldn’t see him anymore, we were both crying and he kept on saying that he didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop the marriage for us. The stress and emotion of everything happening at that time kept me from making the right decision.
Moving ahead again, to where I am now, the emails over the internet increased and increased over several weeks. Finally, we started to see each other in neutral places with mutual friends (while I was married). My husband didn’t know he was there, and he would have been livid because I told him about the first time I cheated on him before we married. I didn’t justify it by telling myself it was okay since my husband was so disappointed. I just tried to ignore my convictions because this other person loved me and didn’t want anything more than to be with me. Even after I hurt him so much, he couldn’t help but want to be with me again. The feelings were mutual. We both recognized the love that we had for each other and regardless of me being married, or me hurting him before, we started to pursue each other. Finally we starting to sneak around and the relationship progressed as we had sexual relations.
Many times we both said we couldn’t sleep with each other anymore because it was so wrong, but self-control has been nearly impossible. My husband and I grew further and further apart. I started to hate him and provoked more problems than we had because I was so angry with my life. My rejection of him caused him to become neglectful, financially irresponsible, emotionally abusive, and started to show signs of violent behavior. I used that to justify me separating and moving in with a friend, but deep down I knew that I did it to have more freedom to see my lover.
A lot more since has happened, but to fast-forward to my present situation, I recognize that regardless of my true feelings for my lover and my irresponsible behavior to marry at an inappropriate time in my life, it was wrong for me to initiate the affair with my lover. Even though he brings so much happiness into my life, it is all concealed and I can’t stand living a lie.
Living in privacy and lying to everyone around me is just killing me. I’m lying to myself when I call myself a Christian. I’m lying to my parents and friends when they think I am a victim to my husband’s treatment. I am lying to God when I try to have a relationship with him, but choose to participate in something that boldly disregards and shames the faith I claim to hold so dearly. I feel so bad for hurting my husband and putting him through so much pain over the past half year as I pursued my lover and antagonized our marriage.
As I am admitting this to myself, I am overcome with so much anxiety over what to do and what will happen. My husband and I have been separated for such a long time and I want us to work on our marriage with counseling, but he is unresponsive right now. I’ve plead with him to work on us, with me, but he has yet to respond to my email. He has had a lot of anxiety and fear as a result of our problems and wanted space to have time to think about where we should be headed. I have yet to tell him about the second affair, and I don’t know how to tell him. Part of me doesn’t want to tell him at all because I’m scared he’ll leave me. I also am concerned that if I don’t tell him, my lover might try to say something out of anger and because I put him through so much pain.
But I know that I need to tell him because he deserves honesty, and because it is the right thing to do. I did love my husband for a long time before we were married, and before I met my lover. Something happened between us, apart from my infidelity, that caused our relationship to turn sour. But regardless of where we are now, I know that I can be happy with him, and I know that God can change my heart and his.
Please help me. I need some encouragement and advice. This is so overwhelming for me and I just want to do the right thing. I’m just so afraid of the consequences of my actions. I’m so scared that I’ve ruined my life for good.
(CYPRUS) I am the betrayed and let me tell you I am heartbroken. I don’t want anyone to go through what I am right now. My husband only had a drunken 1 night stand. We’ve been together 14 years and he is so shy. I was gobsmacked when I found out. Now I have doubts as to whether he has done this before but just got caught this time.
I have the unfortunate privilage of knowing everything that they did as the woman in question phoned me and told me, (at least I got to know the whole truth). I am trying to deal with it. This happened 6 months ago and I am still struggling. Anyone that cheats and is willing to throw everything away is scum. And if you knew he was married, you’re worse. Sorry.