You’d think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance—a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most—his or her family.
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover—for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity—from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
The authors Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.
There is also an additional article written by Dr Harley, which is featured on the web site for the Family Dynamics Institute, that you might find helpful. You can read it by clicking onto the link provided below:
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(USA) I am a married woman who had an affair with a married man. I know it was wrong, but I really fell for this man. I met this man five years ago and we had an affair for around three months. I fell hard for this man. He was separated from his wife, then went back to her. Three years later we met up again and started an affair again. Again he separated from his wife. This time though he told me how much he loved me, he acted like he couldn’t get enough of me. He told me it was completely over with his wife. The lovemaking was incredible. I have never been with a man who can make love like him. I was so into him. I felt bad about cheating on my husband but I couldn’t let go of this other man.
Anyway, all this time he was working at going back to his wife. Eventually he went back to his wife and he dumped me like a hot potato. He wrote to me later and told me how he regretted every moment with me, and how he had never stopped loving his wife. He said he couldn’t believe how much he hurt his wife and that he is still now fighting so hard to win back her love and trust.
I have a friend who actually knows his wife and I am disgusted to hear how much he treats his wife like a queen and how he is doing everything she says to win her love back.
My husband found out too because his wife called and told him. Thank God men don’t like to hear too many details. I am trying to work on my marriage now, but it is hard because I don’t desire and love my husband like I did this other man. This other man said he loved me and wanted me always. We talked for hours!! How can he now say it meant nothing to him? How can he now act like I was just a whore available to him while he was without his wife? How could he have said and talked to me about everything and it not be true? I am so angry!
I know I am the Other woman and people will say I deserve what I got, but I really, really loved this man. I hear that his wife is very angry with him and still has not forgiven him, yet he keeps begging and doing everything she wants. I thought he went back to her because of their kids. But when I hear about how much he tells everyone how sorry he is for what he did and how much he loves her, it makes me crazy. I loved this man, and I am heartbroken.
I want you to ask anyone, why do married men tell their mistresses how much they love them when its not true? Why did he seem to share his heart with me and tell me we were soul mates when now all he wants is his wife? I am so angry!! I know I was wrong too… but I fell in love. That’s why I did what I did. But why did he have to lie to me? Why?
(USA) Well, it’s like this, he never loved you, he used you for the time, he was away from his wife to fulfill his needs. His heart has always been for his wife, regardless of what he told you. That was just bait to keep you with him — to convince you he was truthful and loved you. How would you feel if you were the wife, whose husband was cheating on you? Women like you allow men to cheat. You are there for them, you became his whore. Did you really think he was going to leave his wife for you? He told you he was working on getting back with his wife. What man really wants any woman, who would cheat on her husband? Why would he trust you to do better by him?
Being in the shoes of the married woman, my husband cheated, and is working overtime to try to make it up. It’s very hard, trust is broken, and I am broken hearted. And worse of all, how can I be sure he won’t do it again, for the sport of doing it? I know it wasn’t real to him. If it was he would still be with her. But he dropped her like a hot potato. She is angry as well.
Sure they will promise you whatever it takes to get you to do what they want. It’s all game. When it get boring, and they can’t take the pain of being without the one they truly love. They fight to get back, where the true essence of love, is — that’s with the wife. Regardless of what they say to you, it was sex, to continue to string you along. They say whatever to keep you at his beck and call.
As a married woman, sincerely, you should have more self respect for your own vows. It’s much harder for a man to forgive a woman for having an affair. Regardless of the reason, a male is not like a woman when it comes to such betrayal.
In time, I pray I will be able to accept my husband, who is treating me like the Queen I have always been. Time has to heal, and he has to continue showing me his remorse and deep regret.
As far as females like you, who would sleep with a married man, it is disgraceful to say the least. You knew this man was not yours. You contributed to the separation, in the end, where is he, back with his wife. You meant little if anything to him, as he stated in his letter to you.
I totally agree, you got what you deserve, and I hope you are wiser, and will take the knowledge from this mistake and never go that way again. Work on your own marriage. You stood before God, and vowed to forsake all others. Yet you went to another. Now you seek sympathy. My sympathy goes to the wife. She has to bear sleepless nights, him being home, not really home, and sneaking around on the cellphone to contact you. This is heartbreaking.
Now you see how she felt. Now it is your turn; karma comes back around. Thank God. You are not innocent either, you wanted him to be all your husband wasn’t, instead of working on making your marriage better. It was easier to cheat? Look at yourself now, but in all sincereness. I do hope you look and see the error of your ways, with sincere praying. God can touch your husband with forgiveness, so he may be willing to work on the marriage, and try to heal his pain.
Look at all the people, this affair hurt. Marriage is not a game… if your husband doesn’t please you sexually the way you want, help him, rent videos, read books, do what ever it takes to get him to know what you want. Going to another, creates too much pain, for all involved. I do hope you have learnt your lesson. If not you are bound to repeat it, if you don’t… very dangerous games. Do you have any clue, how many people are in the graves, because of affairs? Did you even thinks of the lives you’d ruin, over your selfish behaviour, and lack of moral values? So sad, my sympathy, as stated, is for the wife.
(USA) Dear Jackie, I read your blog with much sympathy. I myself have been having an affair. And one thing you have to tell yourself is that if he’s cheating on his wife, he is probably a habitual liar. What he is doing with you, he will do to you. You can’t trust a man that cheats. You said he contacted you eventually and said he regrets ever being involved with you. I can tell you his wife probably put him up to that. It makes her feel like she has control over him again. And is also her way of punishing him and you.
I am wanting so bad to stop being in contact with the man I’m involved with because it’s such an unhealthy situation. My husband is really a better man than he is. But you can get addicted to a person.
Jackie, please just take one minute at a time and give yourself time to heal. Don’t try to figure it all out. You’ll drive yourself nuts and use up all your energy asking yourself… why did he do that… why did he say this… why is he doing that, if he said this to me???? Don’t ever hook up with a married man again sweetheart. Don’t think about getting on the internet looking for a guy unless it’s a respectable online dating service. I wish you peace.
(USA) Jackie, My heart breaks for you. As of this morning, I have asked the man that I was having an affair with (I am married and so is he), to not contact me anymore. I have slowly, a little bit at a time, over the last month ended it because I knew that it was not going to go anywhere.
He told me that I was his "sole mate", that "I was the best thing that has ever happened to him", that "he wanted to grow old with me", that "he never thought that he would ever feel this way again", that "he is upset because he settled for the person he married and didn’t know that someone like me existed" that "he has never loved anyone or wanted to take care of someone in his life, like he does me"….the list goes on and on and on…..
His wife found out that he was talking to someone and confronted him (and of course "we were just friends" and that he enjoyed talking to me because I listened to him). The funny thing is that I ended things verbally with him just about 10 days prior. I know he was down so I’m sure that it created a wonderment in her mind as to why he was so down and things had been off for awhile. After she found out, he told me that he couldn’t leave her because he couldn’t hurt her, and I told him that was good, because I didn’t want him to leave her. But in the same breath he told me that he wanted to be with me forever…
The whole affair lasted just shy of 9 months with the 10th month doing everything in my power to prepare myself to end things completely…..I am in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but never ever once asked or insinuated that he leave his wife or family. Who wants that on their conscience?!?! I have in fact, the whole entire time, when he would talk about not wanting to be with her, but with me, I would tell him that he couldn’t, that his children 4 of them ages 13 and under) needed him and that he must have loved his wife (even though he said he never did, he felt pressured to get married) at some point in time and needed to get counseling…Oh my goodness the different levels this affair took is unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!
I am now on my 11th hour of no contact with him….He said that he wouldn’t burden me anymore (this all took place via text because since his wife found out that he was talking to someone on his cell phone, he hasn’t been able to call me from it nor me him because of the phone logs that she can pull up on the computer, so this all took place via text). Then I asked him not to contact me anymore, and part of me really hopes he doesn’t and part of me hopes he does, even though I won’t be responding to him…. I need to go through the withdrawal stage of this affair and get past it.
My husband is the most incredible man and I still can’t believe at this moment that I did this to him even though he doesn’t know. The feelings for the other man has changed my feelings towards my husband, even though I was questioning my love for him even prior to meeting this man. I don’t know how they can ever change back, but I have been doing a lot of reading on the internet and even though I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel as of yet, it gives great hope that I will be able to at some point. BUT…..I have to get through the withdrawal phase first — IT’S AN ADDICTION!!!
The bottom line is that I was providing emotional needs that his wife was not. But at the same time, there were emotional needs that he was still getting from her so in essence, he needs both of us to have all of his needs met. But I will not allow him to use me as a filler to survive his life even though he said that it was bad.
The last conversation I had with him, I asked if they spoke about counseling and he said that they did, but that nothing has transpired with it and that he doesn’t see what the purpose is because it won’t work (the counseling) unless he wants it to and he doesn’t and hasn’t for 8-9 years… He lost whatever he had a LONG TIME AGO.
As much as I know he does love me (if you have had any time with them and have been able to really be a part of their world and provide emotional needs that were not being met at home, they do love you), the bottom line is that he was not mine to have. Even though they (yours and mine) are not be able to see things clearly because having us in their world has clouded things for them, they did love their wife at one point and there is a difference between attachment and love — Even if they really don’t love their wife, they are still attached to her. They are comfortable and know what to expect even if it’s bickering and arguing…it’s still familiar and that will always overcome the "love" that he has for you… That’s why married men very rarely leave their wives for the other woman.
It’s a tough situation….Know that he is thinking about you just as you are him….You are an addiction to him, as he is to you whether you can see that right now. It’s not easy for him to remove from you his thoughts unless he has no contact with you ever — This is what the finalization letter to you was about…It’s a step that has to be taken in order for his marriage to have any chance at all.
I really doubt that he regrets being with you, because you were filling a void in his life, but it’s going to be what a counselor suggests in order to help his wife feel as though she is still the #1 spot…and truly, she is because she was there first — Just remember that as much as it hurts, he would not have married his wife if he didn’t love her to some degree but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t have feelings for you as well…He has to pick one of you over the other and the only obvious choice was the one that he made…
I wish you the best of luck — Try reading online about anything and everything that you can on why men cheat, the probabilities of them leaving their wife for you, the addiction that affairs create and how to begin to recover, why you got involved with a married man, etc…There is a great deal of information out there – It has given me the strength over the last month to finally do what I did today…I just hope it sticks, but I have every intention of never talking to him again even if he does try to contact me…
Sorry my post was so long, but felt I needed to share my story with you in order to feel like I had any validity in telling you what I have…. Jess
(UNITED STATES) Jackie, I feel your heartache, I am married and have been having an affair with a married man for 2 years now. I have fallen deeply in love with him. We have been seeing each other at least twice a week for over 1 year. I ended up getting pregnant with his baby and during my 22nd week I lost the baby. It is killing me, but I feel as if it scared him so bad that he is trying to stay away from me now.
Our spouses know about the affair and the baby. I am to the point now that I am ready to end the affair completely but I still love this man with all of my heart and it is killing me when I think about never seeing him again. Sometimes I do not think I will survive the separation from him. He is everything to me that my husband has never been and we have so many things in common that we both say all of the time that we wish we would have met 20 years ago.
I know that this is what I have got to do, but I am not sure exactly how to walk away.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Dear Jess, Your post really moved me. I have been having an affair for 10 years now. I am nearly 28. I was 17 when we got together. He is now 51. I am now at that stage of realizing a lot of things and it is so painful. I feel he is my soul mate and best friend but then how can he treat his best friend this way??? I know he has lots of issues and I feel that I have over the years wanted to help him. I always thought that he had a chance to be a better person and love himself more and that I was the one to save him. Plus, we have had a very healthy sex life together so he had emotional support and sexual fulfillment from me.
I now realise that I have not had the emotional support I needed from him as the support I started to need was because of the fact I was being strung along by him so the relationship has created a need for support. I really truly and utterly believed his lies and promises that he would leave his girlfriend. He says things like “I have never really loved anyone before I met you” and whenever I have threatened to finish things with him he says “fine that’s your choice, I’m gonna leave her anyway” and then that always convinced me to hang around because I’ve come this far I might as well wait a little longer as he’s gonna leave her, and then I will regret finishing it with him. So for many years I have actually felt trapped and have not known what to do so I chose to trust in him and believe him. It actually feels like having a carrot dangling in front of your face and he’s saying I’m gonna give you this carrot; it is actual torment.
The other day I had a moment of suddenly waking up from his stuff. He was at work and I was on the phone with him. I asked him if he would see me later (I often saw him almost every night, he said he couldn’t stand being at home and would rather be with me). He said he couldn’t see me because he had to go to his daughter’s parents evening. Her school is at the bottom of my street. Then he slipped up and said he might see me but it depends on what time he gets out of work and then said “I mean the parents evening.” I then realized that he could not see me because he was working late not because he had to attend a parents evening. I am disgusted that he would use his children for the sake of a petty lie at the time he said “I’m sorry I can’t see you; oh I hate this. I feel like I have to choose between you and the kids all the time” to which I replied feeling guilty, “It doesn’t matter, forget it.”
I drove past the school on the way to the petrol station that night as I needed to see for myself if he was lying or if I was paranoid and guess what? the school was locked up with no lights on and no parents evening. It was at that moment that I woke up and realized that if this man in which I blindly thought the “sun shone on him” could lie and drag his daughter into that lie; if he is capable of that, How could I ever trust him and if he would go to such extremities to lie then he is capable of many hurtful and bad things.
I had suspected a terrible lie from him once and I wasn’t sure if I was right because it was so ugly if it was true that I did not want to think that any human being could lie that way.
He rang me up once and said he could not see me that night as he was at the hospital because they had rushed his daughter in and she had to have an emergency operation to have her appendix out as they were about to burst. This happened on a Friday. The following Monday I asked him if he had a good day and what had he done that day he said “yeah been really busy not stopped, went picking the kids up (he named them both as he said this), from school.”
I said “Hasn’t *** had her appendix out 3 days ago? Surely they wont let her in school so soon.” He said that they did let her in. I thought right away that he was feeding me a line but it made me feel sick inside and I didn’t think he was so evil as to use his daughter’s health and life as part of a lie just not to see me, but after the other day I now know he did.
Sorry for rambling, guess I had a lot to say. I would advise anyone who is having an affair has not been with him/her for that long or is thinking of getting involved in one not to!!! It has made me feel very depressed and it is very hard and totally stupid thing to do. They never leave!!! What is the hardest is that I REALLY did believe that he would, he was so convincing.
Love is not and never is enough. Someone can promise you the earth, tell you they love you, but if you ain’t got respect and dignity from them, then it’s not worth it no matter how you feel for them.
Hi Jackie, Phoebe, Jess, and Angie, I’ve been reading your postings and have been praying for each of you. However, it wasn’t until today as I was again praying for you, that I felt lead to reach out and write to encourage you as you work to break off the affairs and try to restore your love relationships with your husbands.
I want to tell you that from everything I’ve read, and the people I’ve known who have had affairs, they say that the first few weeks after breaking up with their lovers, can be especially difficult because of the addictive nature of the affair. I encourage you to do all you can to just get through this time without contacting your lovers. Any addict knows that the first few weeks after breaking off from that which they were addicted to, is an EXTREMELY painful time, but a necessary one, if they are to get onto the road to recovery. There are additional things they must do after that, so they don’t relapse, but first things first. I read something today in a newsletter written by Dr Willard Harley (of Marriage Builders), that I thought I’d pass on to you — hoping it would help in some way. He wrote:
“The first few weeks of separation from a lover are very painful. You are addicted to your lover, and separation from the object of your addiction has triggered symptoms of withdrawal — a compulsive craving for him with intense feelings of anxiety and depression. However, if you completely avoid seeing or communicating with your lover, those feelings of anxiety and depression will gradually fade. For most people they fade in a few weeks. But even if it takes longer to get through withdrawal, it is absolutely essential to do it if you want to restore your love for your husband.
“…But if you give into your craving before withdrawal has ended, and contact your lover, the period of withdrawal will begin all over again. Those feelings of anxiety and depression will come back with a vengeance. All of your efforts to reconcile with your husband will be wasted, and it will test the limits of your husband’s patience. So you must take extraordinary precautions to avoid ever seeing or communicating with him again.”
I thought this might help you in the battle you are now waging to totally break free from the affairs you’ve been involved in.
Dr Harley goes on to give a lot of additional information that may help you through this time, as well as advice to help you in working on your marriage. While I don’t always agree with everything he says, most of the advice seems to be sound and helpful. (You should always glean through whatever advice you get from any counselor. Pray about it, and then grab onto that which is spiritually sound and that which you can use, and throw away the rest.)
The above quotes from Dr Harley comes from a question/answer article titled “Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair.” If you’d like to read it, you can go to: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html
I hope this helps in some way. I am praying for you and for your spouses and your restored and renewed marriage relationships (and so are many others who visit this sight as well, I’m sure). I’m so glad that you’re trying to encourage and help one another during this painful time. Strength comes when you unite with the Lord and you band together in community with others who care and understand and want the best for you. You can see this in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.
(USA) I came across this website tonight on a Google search. I went on a dating website out of curiosity. I had been married at the time 24 plus years. I just wanted to talk to some guys on-site only and learn about some "linky stuff". My husband had been spending a lot of time at the gym with his friend and I would sit home on the computer. I began having cyber sex out of loneliness. I found out my husband had been going to strip clubs off and on and was getting lap dances and I was devastated.
In my hurt I met a man just to talk in a bookstore. We played a bit in his van afterwards and within the next week had started an affair. That was 17 months ago. AT the time he and his wife were separated, she returned to their home a month later. I am feeling pretty guilty about all of this and can’t seem to feel God anymore…or seem to rarely, and that scares me.
Because of my emotional attachment to this man who I love, I am not in love with my husband in the same way anymore. I know I need to break things off but I am not sure how I can do this. It has gone on so long. I am scared. I kept hoping after his youngest was out of school we could be together. She has 4 more years to go. I know I need to stop this before it gets worse. I have asked Jesus to forgive me but I am feeling so weak.
(USA) Cindy — I can’t thank you enough for the prayers you are putting forth to all of us in this situation — They are needed and felt!!! Hugs…
Angel — What you are going through is one of the toughest things in the world to experience. You feel like there is absolutely no way of being able to pull out of it and feel like a person unless he is there walking the road with you. Just know one thing though, if you continue the road you are on with him, it will be the LONGEST road of your life that will ultimately take you to a dead end!
I know what you are talking about as far as your feelings having changed for your husband; mine did/have as well. We become so empowered in the euphoria of the A (affair) that ALL of our judgment (good and bad) is completely clouded — All you see is Him, You/Him together, etc, etc. But please know that you are just not able to see things clearly because you are still in the midst but that if you break things off, with NC (no contact) at all, eventually that fog lifts and you are able to see him and the situation for what it really is/was.
Make no doubt that Christ is right beside you and is hurting sooooo badly for you!! I had/have this struggle as well and as much as I wanted to fool myself in the beginning to believe that I could walk on both sides, I was sorely mistaken and I think you are aware of that as well. My relationship with Christ (praying, etc) pretty much came to non-existent because of the shame I was feeling and the desires of the flesh that I was wanting — I was wanting to be with the OM (other man)….How in the world do you pray about that when you already are fully aware of what His word says?????? So, you try to fool yourself into thinking that you just made a mistake in marrying your H (husband) and that since it was a mistake, it’s ok to have found your Soul Mate, Your True Partner for Life, this man who fills your empty love bank to overflowing!!
But, how full is your love bank feeling right now? Take a look at how full it felt in the beginning with this man and how actually empty it has become… This person who filled you to overflowing is now filling you up and taking it away as quick as it was put in…DRAINED all the time, feeling of hopelessness can’t focus on anything, don’t want/know how to get out of bed ever morning — That list goes on and on and on… Christ is waiting there for you to turn around and run right back into his arms and to cry your eyes out in them — He is the ONLY ONE who can fill that void and I have to be totally honest, about a week ago I could hardly even think about Christ in that capacity anymore because of the strong physical emptiness I was feeling.
YOU CAN end this!! I am now on my 8th day of total NC (no contact) with the OM (other man) and today is the first day that I feel semi-human again. The effects of this person do start to fade and wear off with each passing day but I DO have my moments where I feel like I can’t breath…I just have to give myself the time to let that feeling pass, and it does — It’s The ADDICTION trying to purge it’s way out of my system and that is what I have to stay strong through because the moment that I fall and contact him (or he me), I KNOW that it is going to put me right back into square one and probably even further!!
Please stay in contact — I need people to walk through my trials with, as you do as well.
PLEASE visit: http://www.ivillage.com — Go to message boards and put in "after an affair" in the search section. This board has been incredible for me to read and EVERYONE on there is amazing!! You will get to read the stories of people who are in every stage of an A (affair). Put your own story out there for others to share in — The support that you will receive with people actually taking the time to respond to you is soooo Uplifting.
Please stay strong and give your everything to get out of this situation… Tons of Love and Hugs, Jess
(USA) Dear Ladies, All of your comments are helping to strengthen me. I too have felt so separated from God and Jesus. I’m sick and tired of this man that I’ve attached myself too. It all started online. My husband and I have been getting closer lately but I’m still involved with this man and he’s a real selfish jerk at that. Basically a dirty old man. That I still find hard to let go of, I’ve asked myself a thousand times what is wrong with me. I deserve better than this. I’m not a whore or a slut. But I’ve been reading 2 books. "No Stones" by Marnie Ferree, and also Beth Moore’s book, "Get out of that Pit". They are both excellent. In the first book I mentioned, it talks about women and sexual addiction. Which is really not about sex at all, it is an intimacy problem. It’s not sex I want, it’s love. These problems come from feelings of abandonment as a child. Thank you all again for your comments, prayers and websites. Phoebe
(USA) Hi Phoebe, I found this link from this website one day when I was looking at a lot of different articles here. It came to mind as I read your comment.
The author, Anne, also has an interesting story – you should read about her as well. She was the victim of affair on her husband’s part and said it changed her life because she chose to let it make her a better person. I pray you continue your vigilance in cutting ties with the other man. You and your husband both deserve better, regardless of what kind of person the other man is. God cares for you and your husband and loves you and wants your marriage to be healed and restored to a better place than before.
Hope you find it helpful! Love and prayers. http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/QuestionsFromOtherWoman.htm
(USA) Hello Everyone- I need some advice. I need help with ending my affair. I don’t really know where to start, but I am relieved to find a place to talk with other women with similar problems because I can’t bring myself to talk with anyone about it. This is the second time that I have had an affair with the same man. My husband and I were married nearly a year ago. Prior to getting married, I cheated on him with a guy I had dated previously. My husband and I were engaged and I started to see my ex prior to the official engagement.
I know that my husband and I were not ready for marriage, but I think that I felt so guilty and convicted for what I did, that I was moved to marry out of shame– as though I owed him something. My husband and I had several problems in our relationship, but I overlooked a lot of things before getting married. It was strange to see my desire for my husband increase as I started to end the affair. But then shortly after our marriage, I started to see why I was falling away from him originally. As a Christian (although I obviously don’t model Christian behavior), I was moved more by what I should do and who I should marry as oppose to following my heart.
I convinced myself that my now husband was the one I should marry because he was X,Y,Z… but in the end, our marriage started to fall apart shortly thereafter. As my depression over the marriage increased, I started to isolate myself and detach myself from my husband. In making myself vulnerable, I started to strike some conversations over the internet with the guy I had previously had an affair with.
When I was originally with him, I was amazed at how much he loved and respected me. Often times in the church it is easy for women to feel belittled by men under the patriarchal system –at least if the men tend to abuse it. The guy I had the affair with was not a Christian, but I felt so much more complete with him –there was this mutual respect that I never had before.
Well, in thinking back on these memories and feelings, I opened up to him again and told him about how unhappy I was. I told him about how much I missed him and how big of a mistake I had made. During the first affair, we both loved each other so much and he wanted me to call off the wedding so bad. But, I was so ashamed of what I did, that I couldn’t bring myself to do something like that. I was so afraid of what everyone would think of me, when it came out, that I just continued with the wedding plans. I can tend to have a low self-esteem and confidence in myself, that allows people to walk all over me and keeps me from making decisions for myself.
I know that I hurt my lover very much. I remember the day that I told him I couldn’t see him anymore, we were both crying and he kept on saying that he didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop the marriage for us. The stress and emotion of everything happening at that time kept me from making the right decision.
Moving ahead again, to where I am now, the emails over the internet increased and increased over several weeks. Finally, we started to see each other in neutral places with mutual friends (while I was married). My husband didn’t know he was there, and he would have been livid because I told him about the first time I cheated on him before we married. I didn’t justify it by telling myself it was okay since my husband was so disappointed. I just tried to ignore my convictions because this other person loved me and didn’t want anything more than to be with me. Even after I hurt him so much, he couldn’t help but want to be with me again. The feelings were mutual. We both recognized the love that we had for each other and regardless of me being married, or me hurting him before, we started to pursue each other. Finally we starting to sneak around and the relationship progressed as we had sexual relations.
Many times we both said we couldn’t sleep with each other anymore because it was so wrong, but self-control has been nearly impossible. My husband and I grew further and further apart. I started to hate him and provoked more problems than we had because I was so angry with my life. My rejection of him caused him to become neglectful, financially irresponsible, emotionally abusive, and started to show signs of violent behavior. I used that to justify me separating and moving in with a friend, but deep down I knew that I did it to have more freedom to see my lover.
A lot more since has happened, but to fast-forward to my present situation, I recognize that regardless of my true feelings for my lover and my irresponsible behavior to marry at an inappropriate time in my life, it was wrong for me to initiate the affair with my lover. Even though he brings so much happiness into my life, it is all concealed and I can’t stand living a lie.
Living in privacy and lying to everyone around me is just killing me. I’m lying to myself when I call myself a Christian. I’m lying to my parents and friends when they think I am a victim to my husband’s treatment. I am lying to God when I try to have a relationship with him, but choose to participate in something that boldly disregards and shames the faith I claim to hold so dearly. I feel so bad for hurting my husband and putting him through so much pain over the past half year as I pursued my lover and antagonized our marriage.
As I am admitting this to myself, I am overcome with so much anxiety over what to do and what will happen. My husband and I have been separated for such a long time and I want us to work on our marriage with counseling, but he is unresponsive right now. I’ve plead with him to work on us, with me, but he has yet to respond to my email. He has had a lot of anxiety and fear as a result of our problems and wanted space to have time to think about where we should be headed. I have yet to tell him about the second affair, and I don’t know how to tell him. Part of me doesn’t want to tell him at all because I’m scared he’ll leave me. I also am concerned that if I don’t tell him, my lover might try to say something out of anger and because I put him through so much pain.
But I know that I need to tell him because he deserves honesty, and because it is the right thing to do. I did love my husband for a long time before we were married, and before I met my lover. Something happened between us, apart from my infidelity, that caused our relationship to turn sour. But regardless of where we are now, I know that I can be happy with him, and I know that God can change my heart and his.
Please help me. I need some encouragement and advice. This is so overwhelming for me and I just want to do the right thing. I’m just so afraid of the consequences of my actions. I’m so scared that I’ve ruined my life for good.