You’d think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance—a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most—his or her family.
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover—for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity—from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
The authors Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.
There is also an additional article written by Dr Harley, which is featured on the web site for the Family Dynamics Institute, that you might find helpful. You can read it by clicking onto the link provided below:
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79 comments so far ↓
1 Jackie // Apr 3, 2008 at 11:14 am
(USA) I am a married woman who had an affair with a married man. I know it was wrong, but I really fell for this man. I met this man five years ago and we had an affair for around three months. I fell hard for this man. He was separated from his wife, then went back to her. Three years later we met up again and started an affair again. Again he separated from his wife. This time though he told me how much he loved me, he acted like he couldn’t get enough of me. He told me it was completely over with his wife. The lovemaking was incredible. I have never been with a man who can make love like him. I was so into him. I felt bad about cheating on my husband but I couldn’t let go of this other man.
Anyway, all this time he was working at going back to his wife. Eventually he went back to his wife and he dumped me like a hot potato. He wrote to me later and told me how he regretted every moment with me, and how he had never stopped loving his wife. He said he couldn’t believe how much he hurt his wife and that he is still now fighting so hard to win back her love and trust.
I have a friend who actually knows his wife and I am disgusted to hear how much he treats his wife like a queen and how he is doing everything she says to win her love back.
My husband found out too because his wife called and told him. Thank God men don’t like to hear too many details. I am trying to work on my marriage now, but it is hard because I don’t desire and love my husband like I did this other man. This other man said he loved me and wanted me always. We talked for hours!! How can he now say it meant nothing to him? How can he now act like I was just a whore available to him while he was without his wife? How could he have said and talked to me about everything and it not be true? I am so angry!
I know I am the Other woman and people will say I deserve what I got, but I really, really loved this man. I hear that his wife is very angry with him and still has not forgiven him, yet he keeps begging and doing everything she wants. I thought he went back to her because of their kids. But when I hear about how much he tells everyone how sorry he is for what he did and how much he loves her, it makes me crazy. I loved this man, and I am heartbroken.
I want you to ask anyone, why do married men tell their mistresses how much they love them when its not true? Why did he seem to share his heart with me and tell me we were soul mates when now all he wants is his wife? I am so angry!! I know I was wrong too… but I fell in love. That’s why I did what I did. But why did he have to lie to me? Why?
2 Phoebe // Apr 11, 2008 at 8:13 am
(USA) Dear Jackie, I read your blog with much sympathy. I myself have been having an affair. And one thing you have to tell yourself is that if he’s cheating on his wife, he is probably a habitual liar. What he is doing with you, he will do to you. You can’t trust a man that cheats. You said he contacted you eventually and said he regrets ever being involved with you. I can tell you his wife probably put him up to that. It makes her feel like she has control over him again. And is also her way of punishing him and you.
I am wanting so bad to stop being in contact with the man I’m involved with because it’s such an unhealthy situation. My husband is really a better man than he is. But you can get addicted to a person.
Jackie, please just take one minute at a time and give yourself time to heal. Don’t try to figure it all out. You’ll drive yourself nuts and use up all your energy asking yourself… why did he do that… why did he say this… why is he doing that, if he said this to me???? Don’t ever hook up with a married man again sweetheart. Don’t think about getting on the internet looking for a guy unless it’s a respectable online dating service. I wish you peace.
3 Jess // Apr 20, 2008 at 6:38 pm
(USA) Jackie, My heart breaks for you. As of this morning, I have asked the man that I was having an affair with (I am married and so is he), to not contact me anymore. I have slowly, a little bit at a time, over the last month ended it because I knew that it was not going to go anywhere.
He told me that I was his "sole mate", that "I was the best thing that has ever happened to him", that "he wanted to grow old with me", that "he never thought that he would ever feel this way again", that "he is upset because he settled for the person he married and didn’t know that someone like me existed" that "he has never loved anyone or wanted to take care of someone in his life, like he does me"….the list goes on and on and on…..
His wife found out that he was talking to someone and confronted him (and of course "we were just friends" and that he enjoyed talking to me because I listened to him). The funny thing is that I ended things verbally with him just about 10 days prior. I know he was down so I’m sure that it created a wonderment in her mind as to why he was so down and things had been off for awhile. After she found out, he told me that he couldn’t leave her because he couldn’t hurt her, and I told him that was good, because I didn’t want him to leave her. But in the same breath he told me that he wanted to be with me forever…
The whole affair lasted just shy of 9 months with the 10th month doing everything in my power to prepare myself to end things completely…..I am in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but never ever once asked or insinuated that he leave his wife or family. Who wants that on their conscience?!?! I have in fact, the whole entire time, when he would talk about not wanting to be with her, but with me, I would tell him that he couldn’t, that his children 4 of them ages 13 and under) needed him and that he must have loved his wife (even though he said he never did, he felt pressured to get married) at some point in time and needed to get counseling…Oh my goodness the different levels this affair took is unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!
I am now on my 11th hour of no contact with him….He said that he wouldn’t burden me anymore (this all took place via text because since his wife found out that he was talking to someone on his cell phone, he hasn’t been able to call me from it nor me him because of the phone logs that she can pull up on the computer, so this all took place via text). Then I asked him not to contact me anymore, and part of me really hopes he doesn’t and part of me hopes he does, even though I won’t be responding to him…. I need to go through the withdrawal stage of this affair and get past it.
My husband is the most incredible man and I still can’t believe at this moment that I did this to him even though he doesn’t know. The feelings for the other man has changed my feelings towards my husband, even though I was questioning my love for him even prior to meeting this man. I don’t know how they can ever change back, but I have been doing a lot of reading on the internet and even though I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel as of yet, it gives great hope that I will be able to at some point. BUT…..I have to get through the withdrawal phase first — IT’S AN ADDICTION!!!
The bottom line is that I was providing emotional needs that his wife was not. But at the same time, there were emotional needs that he was still getting from her so in essence, he needs both of us to have all of his needs met. But I will not allow him to use me as a filler to survive his life even though he said that it was bad.
The last conversation I had with him, I asked if they spoke about counseling and he said that they did, but that nothing has transpired with it and that he doesn’t see what the purpose is because it won’t work (the counseling) unless he wants it to and he doesn’t and hasn’t for 8-9 years… He lost whatever he had a LONG TIME AGO.
As much as I know he does love me (if you have had any time with them and have been able to really be a part of their world and provide emotional needs that were not being met at home, they do love you), the bottom line is that he was not mine to have. Even though they (yours and mine) are not be able to see things clearly because having us in their world has clouded things for them, they did love their wife at one point and there is a difference between attachment and love — Even if they really don’t love their wife, they are still attached to her. They are comfortable and know what to expect even if it’s bickering and arguing…it’s still familiar and that will always overcome the "love" that he has for you… That’s why married men very rarely leave their wives for the other woman.
It’s a tough situation….Know that he is thinking about you just as you are him….You are an addiction to him, as he is to you whether you can see that right now. It’s not easy for him to remove from you his thoughts unless he has no contact with you ever — This is what the finalization letter to you was about…It’s a step that has to be taken in order for his marriage to have any chance at all.
I really doubt that he regrets being with you, because you were filling a void in his life, but it’s going to be what a counselor suggests in order to help his wife feel as though she is still the #1 spot…and truly, she is because she was there first — Just remember that as much as it hurts, he would not have married his wife if he didn’t love her to some degree but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t have feelings for you as well…He has to pick one of you over the other and the only obvious choice was the one that he made…
I wish you the best of luck — Try reading online about anything and everything that you can on why men cheat, the probabilities of them leaving their wife for you, the addiction that affairs create and how to begin to recover, why you got involved with a married man, etc…There is a great deal of information out there - It has given me the strength over the last month to finally do what I did today…I just hope it sticks, but I have every intention of never talking to him again even if he does try to contact me…
Sorry my post was so long, but felt I needed to share my story with you in order to feel like I had any validity in telling you what I have…. Jess
4 Angie // Apr 23, 2008 at 7:02 pm
(UNITED STATES) Jackie, I feel your heartache, I am married and have been having an affair with a married man for 2 years now. I have fallen deeply in love with him. We have been seeing each other at least twice a week for over 1 year. I ended up getting pregnant with his baby and during my 22nd week I lost the baby. It is killing me, but I feel as if it scared him so bad that he is trying to stay away from me now.
Our spouses know about the affair and the baby. I am to the point now that I am ready to end the affair completely but I still love this man with all of my heart and it is killing me when I think about never seeing him again. Sometimes I do not think I will survive the separation from him. He is everything to me that my husband has never been and we have so many things in common that we both say all of the time that we wish we would have met 20 years ago.
I know that this is what I have got to do, but I am not sure exactly how to walk away.
5 Cindy // Apr 24, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Hi Jackie, Phoebe, Jess, and Angie, I’ve been reading your postings and have been praying for each of you. However, it wasn’t until today as I was again praying for you, that I felt lead to reach out and write to encourage you as you work to break off the affairs and try to restore your love relationships with your husbands.
I want to tell you that from everything I’ve read, and the people I’ve known who have had affairs, they say that the first few weeks after breaking up with their lovers, can be especially difficult because of the addictive nature of the affair. I encourage you to do all you can to just get through this time without contacting your lovers. Any addict knows that the first few weeks after breaking off from that which they were addicted to, is an EXTREMELY painful time, but a necessary one, if they are to get onto the road to recovery. There are additional things they must do after that, so they don’t relapse, but first things first. I read something today in a newsletter written by Dr Willard Harley (of Marriage Builders), that I thought I’d pass on to you — hoping it would help in some way. He wrote:
“The first few weeks of separation from a lover are very painful. You are addicted to your lover, and separation from the object of your addiction has triggered symptoms of withdrawal — a compulsive craving for him with intense feelings of anxiety and depression. However, if you completely avoid seeing or communicating with your lover, those feelings of anxiety and depression will gradually fade. For most people they fade in a few weeks. But even if it takes longer to get through withdrawal, it is absolutely essential to do it if you want to restore your love for your husband.
“…But if you give into your craving before withdrawal has ended, and contact your lover, the period of withdrawal will begin all over again. Those feelings of anxiety and depression will come back with a vengeance. All of your efforts to reconcile with your husband will be wasted, and it will test the limits of your husband’s patience. So you must take extraordinary precautions to avoid ever seeing or communicating with him again.”
I thought this might help you in the battle you are now waging to totally break free from the affairs you’ve been involved in.
Dr Harley goes on to give a lot of additional information that may help you through this time, as well as advice to help you in working on your marriage. While I don’t always agree with everything he says, most of the advice seems to be sound and helpful. (You should always glean through whatever advice you get from any counselor. Pray about it, and then grab onto that which is spiritually sound and that which you can use, and throw away the rest.)
The above quotes from Dr Harley comes from a question/answer article titled “Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair.” If you’d like to read it, you can go to: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html
I hope this helps in some way. I am praying for you and for your spouses and your restored and renewed marriage relationships (and so are many others who visit this sight as well, I’m sure). I’m so glad that you’re trying to encourage and help one another during this painful time. Strength comes when you unite with the Lord and you band together in community with others who care and understand and want the best for you. You can see this in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.
6 Angel // Apr 26, 2008 at 8:17 pm
(USA) I came across this website tonight on a Google search. I went on a dating website out of curiosity. I had been married at the time 24 plus years. I just wanted to talk to some guys on-site only and learn about some "linky stuff". My husband had been spending a lot of time at the gym with his friend and I would sit home on the computer. I began having cyber sex out of loneliness. I found out my husband had been going to strip clubs off and on and was getting lap dances and I was devastated.
In my hurt I met a man just to talk in a bookstore. We played a bit in his van afterwards and within the next week had started an affair. That was 17 months ago. AT the time he and his wife were separated, she returned to their home a month later. I am feeling pretty guilty about all of this and can’t seem to feel God anymore…or seem to rarely, and that scares me.
Because of my emotional attachment to this man who I love, I am not in love with my husband in the same way anymore. I know I need to break things off but I am not sure how I can do this. It has gone on so long. I am scared. I kept hoping after his youngest was out of school we could be together. She has 4 more years to go. I know I need to stop this before it gets worse. I have asked Jesus to forgive me but I am feeling so weak.
7 Jess // Apr 27, 2008 at 11:08 am
(USA) Cindy — I can’t thank you enough for the prayers you are putting forth to all of us in this situation — They are needed and felt!!! Hugs…
Angel — What you are going through is one of the toughest things in the world to experience. You feel like there is absolutely no way of being able to pull out of it and feel like a person unless he is there walking the road with you. Just know one thing though, if you continue the road you are on with him, it will be the LONGEST road of your life that will ultimately take you to a dead end!
I know what you are talking about as far as your feelings having changed for your husband; mine did/have as well. We become so empowered in the euphoria of the A (affair) that ALL of our judgment (good and bad) is completely clouded — All you see is Him, You/Him together, etc, etc. But please know that you are just not able to see things clearly because you are still in the midst but that if you break things off, with NC (no contact) at all, eventually that fog lifts and you are able to see him and the situation for what it really is/was.
Make no doubt that Christ is right beside you and is hurting sooooo badly for you!! I had/have this struggle as well and as much as I wanted to fool myself in the beginning to believe that I could walk on both sides, I was sorely mistaken and I think you are aware of that as well. My relationship with Christ (praying, etc) pretty much came to non-existent because of the shame I was feeling and the desires of the flesh that I was wanting — I was wanting to be with the OM (other man)….How in the world do you pray about that when you already are fully aware of what His word says?????? So, you try to fool yourself into thinking that you just made a mistake in marrying your H (husband) and that since it was a mistake, it’s ok to have found your Soul Mate, Your True Partner for Life, this man who fills your empty love bank to overflowing!!
But, how full is your love bank feeling right now? Take a look at how full it felt in the beginning with this man and how actually empty it has become… This person who filled you to overflowing is now filling you up and taking it away as quick as it was put in…DRAINED all the time, feeling of hopelessness can’t focus on anything, don’t want/know how to get out of bed ever morning — That list goes on and on and on… Christ is waiting there for you to turn around and run right back into his arms and to cry your eyes out in them — He is the ONLY ONE who can fill that void and I have to be totally honest, about a week ago I could hardly even think about Christ in that capacity anymore because of the strong physical emptiness I was feeling.
YOU CAN end this!! I am now on my 8th day of total NC (no contact) with the OM (other man) and today is the first day that I feel semi-human again. The effects of this person do start to fade and wear off with each passing day but I DO have my moments where I feel like I can’t breath…I just have to give myself the time to let that feeling pass, and it does — It’s The ADDICTION trying to purge it’s way out of my system and that is what I have to stay strong through because the moment that I fall and contact him (or he me), I KNOW that it is going to put me right back into square one and probably even further!!
Please stay in contact — I need people to walk through my trials with, as you do as well.
PLEASE visit: http://www.ivillage.com — Go to message boards and put in "after an affair" in the search section. This board has been incredible for me to read and EVERYONE on there is amazing!! You will get to read the stories of people who are in every stage of an A (affair). Put your own story out there for others to share in — The support that you will receive with people actually taking the time to respond to you is soooo Uplifting.
Please stay strong and give your everything to get out of this situation… Tons of Love and Hugs, Jess
8 Phoebe // Apr 29, 2008 at 12:25 pm
(USA) Dear Ladies, All of your comments are helping to strengthen me. I too have felt so separated from God and Jesus. I’m sick and tired of this man that I’ve attached myself too. It all started online. My husband and I have been getting closer lately but I’m still involved with this man and he’s a real selfish jerk at that. Basically a dirty old man. That I still find hard to let go of, I’ve asked myself a thousand times what is wrong with me. I deserve better than this. I’m not a whore or a slut. But I’ve been reading 2 books. "No Stones" by Marnie Ferree, and also Beth Moore’s book, "Get out of that Pit". They are both excellent. In the first book I mentioned, it talks about women and sexual addiction. Which is really not about sex at all, it is an intimacy problem. It’s not sex I want, it’s love. These problems come from feelings of abandonment as a child. Thank you all again for your comments, prayers and websites. Phoebe
9 LT // Apr 29, 2008 at 5:11 pm
(USA) Hi Phoebe, I found this link from this website one day when I was looking at a lot of different articles here. It came to mind as I read your comment.
The author, Anne, also has an interesting story - you should read about her as well. She was the victim of affair on her husband’s part and said it changed her life because she chose to let it make her a better person. I pray you continue your vigilance in cutting ties with the other man. You and your husband both deserve better, regardless of what kind of person the other man is. God cares for you and your husband and loves you and wants your marriage to be healed and restored to a better place than before.
Hope you find it helpful! Love and prayers. http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/QuestionsFromOtherWoman.htm
10 Stephanie // Apr 29, 2008 at 11:35 pm
(USA) Hello Everyone- I need some advice. I need help with ending my affair. I don’t really know where to start, but I am relieved to find a place to talk with other women with similar problems because I can’t bring myself to talk with anyone about it. This is the second time that I have had an affair with the same man. My husband and I were married nearly a year ago. Prior to getting married, I cheated on him with a guy I had dated previously. My husband and I were engaged and I started to see my ex prior to the official engagement.
I know that my husband and I were not ready for marriage, but I think that I felt so guilty and convicted for what I did, that I was moved to marry out of shame– as though I owed him something. My husband and I had several problems in our relationship, but I overlooked a lot of things before getting married. It was strange to see my desire for my husband increase as I started to end the affair. But then shortly after our marriage, I started to see why I was falling away from him originally. As a Christian (although I obviously don’t model Christian behavior), I was moved more by what I should do and who I should marry as oppose to following my heart.
I convinced myself that my now husband was the one I should marry because he was X,Y,Z… but in the end, our marriage started to fall apart shortly thereafter. As my depression over the marriage increased, I started to isolate myself and detach myself from my husband. In making myself vulnerable, I started to strike some conversations over the internet with the guy I had previously had an affair with.
When I was originally with him, I was amazed at how much he loved and respected me. Often times in the church it is easy for women to feel belittled by men under the patriarchal system –at least if the men tend to abuse it. The guy I had the affair with was not a Christian, but I felt so much more complete with him –there was this mutual respect that I never had before.
Well, in thinking back on these memories and feelings, I opened up to him again and told him about how unhappy I was. I told him about how much I missed him and how big of a mistake I had made. During the first affair, we both loved each other so much and he wanted me to call off the wedding so bad. But, I was so ashamed of what I did, that I couldn’t bring myself to do something like that. I was so afraid of what everyone would think of me, when it came out, that I just continued with the wedding plans. I can tend to have a low self-esteem and confidence in myself, that allows people to walk all over me and keeps me from making decisions for myself.
I know that I hurt my lover very much. I remember the day that I told him I couldn’t see him anymore, we were both crying and he kept on saying that he didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop the marriage for us. The stress and emotion of everything happening at that time kept me from making the right decision.
Moving ahead again, to where I am now, the emails over the internet increased and increased over several weeks. Finally, we started to see each other in neutral places with mutual friends (while I was married). My husband didn’t know he was there, and he would have been livid because I told him about the first time I cheated on him before we married. I didn’t justify it by telling myself it was okay since my husband was so disappointed. I just tried to ignore my convictions because this other person loved me and didn’t want anything more than to be with me. Even after I hurt him so much, he couldn’t help but want to be with me again. The feelings were mutual. We both recognized the love that we had for each other and regardless of me being married, or me hurting him before, we started to pursue each other. Finally we starting to sneak around and the relationship progressed as we had sexual relations.
Many times we both said we couldn’t sleep with each other anymore because it was so wrong, but self-control has been nearly impossible. My husband and I grew further and further apart. I started to hate him and provoked more problems than we had because I was so angry with my life. My rejection of him caused him to become neglectful, financially irresponsible, emotionally abusive, and started to show signs of violent behavior. I used that to justify me separating and moving in with a friend, but deep down I knew that I did it to have more freedom to see my lover.
A lot more since has happened, but to fast-forward to my present situation, I recognize that regardless of my true feelings for my lover and my irresponsible behavior to marry at an inappropriate time in my life, it was wrong for me to initiate the affair with my lover. Even though he brings so much happiness into my life, it is all concealed and I can’t stand living a lie.
Living in privacy and lying to everyone around me is just killing me. I’m lying to myself when I call myself a Christian. I’m lying to my parents and friends when they think I am a victim to my husband’s treatment. I am lying to God when I try to have a relationship with him, but choose to participate in something that boldly disregards and shames the faith I claim to hold so dearly. I feel so bad for hurting my husband and putting him through so much pain over the past half year as I pursued my lover and antagonized our marriage.
As I am admitting this to myself, I am overcome with so much anxiety over what to do and what will happen. My husband and I have been separated for such a long time and I want us to work on our marriage with counseling, but he is unresponsive right now. I’ve plead with him to work on us, with me, but he has yet to respond to my email. He has had a lot of anxiety and fear as a result of our problems and wanted space to have time to think about where we should be headed. I have yet to tell him about the second affair, and I don’t know how to tell him. Part of me doesn’t want to tell him at all because I’m scared he’ll leave me. I also am concerned that if I don’t tell him, my lover might try to say something out of anger and because I put him through so much pain.
But I know that I need to tell him because he deserves honesty, and because it is the right thing to do. I did love my husband for a long time before we were married, and before I met my lover. Something happened between us, apart from my infidelity, that caused our relationship to turn sour. But regardless of where we are now, I know that I can be happy with him, and I know that God can change my heart and his.
Please help me. I need some encouragement and advice. This is so overwhelming for me and I just want to do the right thing. I’m just so afraid of the consequences of my actions. I’m so scared that I’ve ruined my life for good.
11 Jess // Apr 30, 2008 at 8:26 am
(USA) Stephanie, I’m so glad you happened upon this website. I know what you are experiencing and it is not an easy thing to do (both staying in the A (affair) and getting out of it).
It sounds like you are now rethinking your marriage and are willing to put the effort and energy into seeing if it can be healed, and that is wonderful but the only way to even begin is to end your A (affair). There is no way that you can sort out your feelings if the AP (affair partner) is in your life, no matter how good it feels to have someone who you enjoy being with and confide in.
The thing about an A is that it totally clouds all judgment, including feelings — You have to keep in mind that you don’t spend day in and day out with the AP and that real life is not a part of the equation (bills, keeping a house, children, etc, etc). That’s the illusion that keeps us thinking that this person is so PERFECT for us because we haven’t experienced the true trials of life together with them and all we can see is how they make is feel at the moment.
I understand the fact that you feel you may have married the "wrong" person but you will truly never know unless you give up the A all together. This other person has been a part of your engagement and marriage the entire time so you have had no time to truly figure it out. Being with him prior to your engagement and being with him now has allowed you NO time to figure anything out. Am I reading it right that your H (husband) is out of the house right at this time? If so, this could be a good thing to give you some space to try to figure things out.
What you need to do is focus on yourself and figure out why you have taken the road that you have. I know you talked about self-esteem, and truthfully, this plays a big factor in almost all A because we are in need of feeling validated and wanted, if we aren’t getting it in our M (marriage) and it’s easier to get the validation outside of our M, then it is to try to find a place to start on working on our M.
I too am a Christian and being in the place that I have been has been the roughest road. There is NO WAY to have a close and personal relationship with the Lord when we are clearly going against His Word — Oh my Goodness the struggles I have had with that!! The A has literally separated me from Christ making it hard to pray and worship because I was consumed with this other person and what I was involved in.
My A is officially over. I have asked him not to contact me any more, that we both need to go on with our separate lives and to please let me go. I am trying to constitute a complete NC (no contact) policy with him because I can’t get over him if there is continual contact, even just a text and this is so hard because they become a part of your life (as hidden as it is) and you become reliant on them for their friendship and the emotional high that they provide so not being able to communicate with them on any level feels like a total death.
I made it through 8-1/2 days until my XAP (ex affair partner) sent me a text saying he knew he wasn’t supposed to contact me but that he just wanted to know that I was ok — I wasn’t going to respond but ended up doing it the following day which I knew shouldn’t have, but I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I think that I have gained some emotional control over having asked him not to contact me and having the week + not hearing from him. All I can do is put one step in front of the other. My H has no idea either and at this point in time, that is the way I’m going to keep it. He never deserved to have to watch me cry and be all emotional over someone that he didn’t even know existed — That is the hard part, you will grieve this other person but it’s a must if you are going to figure yourself and your marriage out!!!
Please know that we are here for you and that we understand what you are going through and just remember that God already knew what was going to be taking place in your life before it ever happened so He is fully aware of the outcome of this (based on your choices of course). Distance yourself from your AP…It’s the only way.
Many hugs and blessings to you!! Jess Please visit: http://www.ivillage.com
12 Angel // May 5, 2008 at 8:06 pm
(USA) After I posted this I tried to begin to start pulling away. The next day his contact persisted above anything he had ever done. We met today and for the first time I wanted to leave before he did. I wanted to get it over and go home. I even had the thought this is the last time you will be with him and I was not sad. Until today I thought I loved this man. I am not really sure what’s is going on. I am not sure if God has temporary lifted a fog…who knows it may be back tomorrow. Today was definitely weird.
13 Angel // May 5, 2008 at 9:07 pm
(USA) Jess the statement you made above really got to me
"Please know that we are here for you and that we understand what you are going through and just remember that God already knew what was going to be taking place in your life before it ever happened so He is fully aware of the outcome of this (based on your choices of course). ….."
Sometimes I wonder how a God could ask me to be His daughter knowing the foolishly huge sins I would commit. How can He love me when I sin? Am I jumping in and out of His Book of Life? When I behave, am I there, and when I sin, am I rubbed out? God judged many nations and cities for behaving immorally….I am thinking way to much tonight. Tired going to bed.
God bless you all for your love and input.
14 Jess // May 7, 2008 at 8:20 am
(USA) Angel, "Sometimes I wonder how a God could ask me to be His daughter knowing the foolishly huge sins I would commit. How can He love me when I sin? Am I jumping in and out of His Book of Life? When I behave, am I there, and when I sin, am I rubbed out? God judged many nations and cities for behaving immorally"
God loves you! He sent his Son to die on a cross for you. Do you realize that even if you were the only one on this earth, he would have sent His Son to die on that cross for you alone? He loves you and that will never stop. Jesus died for ALL of your sins, the past ones, the present ones and the future ones that you don’t even know you will commit yet so you don’t need to worry about jumping in and out of His Book of Life — The price has been settled for you by accepting Christ as your Savior!! All He asks is that we repent and more away from the sin which is not always easy and He knows this.
He knows your heart and the pain that you go through!! Hugs and Blessings, Jess
15 Lisa // May 7, 2008 at 9:29 am
(USA) Hi, I stumbled upon this site and some of these comments seem very helpful. Here is my story:
I have been married to a wonderful guy for 10 months. After years of dating and being single, he was the first man I said after a month–I could marry him, I feel it. Before we got engaged (but I knew it was coming), I started getting nervous. Is this the right person for me? Is there someone better? Forever is a scary word, etc. I come from a family of divorce, parents divorced after 27 years of marriage, grandparents, aunts/uncles… I have never seen a happy marriage, so for me-I think most marriages do fail. (sorry for sounding so negative).
I got engaged and was happy about it, and a year later (last summer) got married. I guess part of me always had that thought-WHAT IF this isn’t right? Though when we are together, things are great. Fast forward 6 months into the marriage, I became friends with an older (by 17 years) man here at my office. He is divorced, 2 kids, and has a very powerful position at my company. Many people look up to him. We started a casual friendship but he took a liking to me fast. We didn’t see each other too often, working in different offices, but emails went back and forth and once in a while a lunch, or drinks after work.
Sure enough, we started connecting emotionally. I started pulling away from my marriage, getting confused…maybe I married the wrong guy, maybe this other man is right for me, i feel that connection. He also reminds me so much of my father who was a bit emotionally distant in my life, so I really like that about him. He professed his feelings for me, and said he wished I wasn’t married and how we could have a great life together, etc. This coming from a man like this, made me feel amazing. Yet I knew it was so wrong.
About a month ago, I started really questioning my marriage, and things had been getting distant. I told my husband I am not ready to have kids (he is a few years older and really wants them ASAP)…but I told him I am confused about this marriage. I feel so terrible because I get upset at home and can’t tell my husband that I have this with the other man. I have decided that in order to see if my marriage is right, I need to cut all contact with the other person.
It’s only been 2 days, and it’s very hard…but I know I have to do it. I spoke with my parents about how I am feeling and they both agree that I need to give my marriage my all, go to counseling, anything…and give it a time period–maybe a year from now…see how it is. Hopefully everything that is missing will be there again, but if not, I will cross that bridge then.
It’s just so scary not knowing though the outcome. I miss the other man so badly and I know I broke his heart. Deep down, I know he is waiting for my final decision… though I told him I am not making one anytime soon. He said the connection he has with me, he hasn’t had with anyone before, and he has more love for me than he ever did for his wife. It’s just so confusing! I see life with him as great, but he also comes with some baggage. Maybe love overcomes that.
All I ever wanted was a marriage of true love, head over heels love…I know sometimes that goes away after the romantic phase, but still. What if I lose my chance with this other man?
Sorry so long, just wanted to get it all out there! Thanks in advance for any advice.
16 LYNNE // May 7, 2008 at 12:06 pm
(USA) Lisa, I just read your post and I applaud your decision to give your all to your marriage. Focus on why you fell in love with your husband. What was it like when the two for you first got together? Remember how great is was? Ask GOD to remind you if your having a hard time. Don’t think about overcoming obstacles with this other man. Concentrate on overcoming the obstacles that started making your marriage distant. My husband was extremely neglectful and we almost ended in divorce because of his addiction to lust. I can’t even tell you how many times I thought about going and finding someone else and especially when I have awesome guy friends.
You cannot feel bad about breaking this other man’s heart. He set himself up for heart ache because he knew that you were married. You need to change your image of this man or else you’ll find it incredibly hard to distance yourself. Instead of seeing him as this great guy who loves you, see him for what he really is. He is a threat. He is this man that took advantage of your venerability, without any respect for GOD or for you. And he’s aiding you in disobeying GOD. Thus he’s your key to damnation.
If he really cared about you, do you think that he’d be pursuing you when knows that you are married? He doesn’t respect or love you very much if he doesn’t care about your soul. He’s lonely and confused. You’re lonely too and that’s the only reason this connection happened in the first place.
Telling your husband about this situation would be a great way to start. You should tell him everything about what was going on and how confused you are. Lead with your decision to make your marriage work. Then maybe together you can discover the root reason for your marital venerability. Are you contacting a Christian Counselor? I strongly suggest you do, because a marriage with out Christ is not really a marriage. Are you and your husband believers? I get a feeling that you are. That is why you know this emotional affair is wrong.
I will be praying for you really hard Lisa, and I hope that you find what you need in your husband. I know how being neglected and neglectful can feel. Love ya, LYNNE
17 Angel // May 8, 2008 at 6:37 pm
(USA) I am numb. This may or may not be long. It is complicated. While J was seeing me, apparently there also was another woman. She was a fatal attraction type. I found out about her and basically gave him an ultimatum. He has not seen her since February and I have his email passwords to prove this. She had threatened to go to his wife months ago by email and tell her. Today she made good on her threat. We were in the middle of email exchanges when the tone changed and he told me what had just happened. He told me no contact what-so-ever on email or phone, and that he loved me.
When I was with him Monday I heard a voice say, “This is the last time you will be with him.”
I had told God the first day I posted here that I could not break up with him. I did not think that he was going to have to do something on his end. It was so fast, so quick….and I am totally numb. How will I ever manage this? And I get to go to my daughters dance recital and have to act all happy..when emotionally I am in a lot of pain.
18 Jess // May 9, 2008 at 10:04 am
(USA) Oh Angel
I totally understand what you are going through right now — I TRULY do!!
My situation was kind of the same way. I was struggling and went forward at church (didn’t say anything about my situation) for prayer and literally 2 days later his wife confronted him on who I was because she saw my phone number all over the cell phone bill. I believe that once I gave the situation up to God, He found a way to take care of it regardless as to whether or not I was in a place where I was really wanting or ready (emotionally) for it to be over or not. It’s amazing how it works!!
God has now allowed a way for you to be free of this situation. He knew that it was going to be difficult and painful for you to go through but still wanted to provide you with a way out. The voice you heard on Monday was God preparing you for what He already knew was going to take place with J’s wife finding out. Be thankful and grateful that it was this other woman that the focus is on right now (I’m assuming that the wife knows nothing about you). You don’t want to be known as a home wrecker and the fact that this other person is the one who confronted his wife, if something happens his marriage (ending), it will be directed towards her, provided it doesn’t come out that he was involved with you as well.
The numbness you are feeling is completely normal, it’s the way your body is protecting itself. You are going to experience SO many emotions so be prepared.
I just hope that you are going to step back and walk away from this situation!?!?! God has provided a way for you to but it’s going to be up to you to make the right decisions and choices from this point forward. I can only hope that you will make the choice to not stay involved with J. The fact that he told you no more contact via email or phone what-so-ever, is telling you that he doesn’t want it found out that he has been with you as well, which means he is concerned about losing his marriage.
I am going on 2 months since physically seeing the other man (by my choice). It was too hard to be with him for an hour here and an hour there and then have to walk away knowing that he was going back home to his wife and me to my husband — It just hurt too much and I was sick and tired of putting myself through it over and over again. Most of the time we would see each other, there was no sex involved because I wasn’t going to be doing that in a vehicle. Having sex with him was wrong all in itself and I felt like I had enough self worth in myself that I wasn’t going to be someone who did that in a vehicle. He knew where I stood and never pushed that. He was happy just being able to hold me, kiss me and just talk.
I’m not going to kid you, it is going to be very hard. But once I realized that I couldn’t even talk to him on the phone anymore like we used to (we never emailed), what was the point, honestly? I lived day to day being able to talk to him in the morning and during the day…it got me through the day. And now that had been taken away. Once you clearly see what is remaining now, with no emails or calls, you will see how empty it is going to be.
Be the one to tell him it is over if he still attempts to see you. There are soooo many stories out there where the guy has been the one to end things and the women are feeling worse because they were not able to be the one to end things. There is a true power that you give yourself when you are the one to say "NO MORE"!
PLEASE give that to yourself — Take back a little bit of yourself that you have allowed J to take away from you. Being in an affair drains at your self worth and it’s now time for you to take some of it back!!!!
We are here for you….please keep posting as it’s a great outlet to talk with others who have gone/going through what you are going through.
Many hugs to you and you will be in my prayers!! Jess
19 Angel // May 10, 2008 at 9:30 pm
(USA) God I am hurting! I went to email J a letter telling him that I knew his first priority had to be his kids now and his email account has been discontinued. I have his work account. He does not even know I have it and I could use it if I wanted to. This just seems so final and so upsetting to me. I was numb and not doing too bad until I decided to send the email. Now this is just so utterly final and I am shaking. My 21 year old just asked me what was wrong and I had to try to fake through it. (cry)
20 Jess // May 11, 2008 at 7:58 am
(USA) Angel, PLEASE go to this website: http://www.ivillage.com When you get to this website I want you to click on the "Messageboard" tab then type in "after an affair" in the search box. Go to the board that says EAS. This is a message board center where people who are going through the end of an affair go to post and talk to one another — I PROMISE, IT WILL HELP.
I wish I could give you a HUGE HUG, but know you are getting one from afar. You are going to experience literal withdrawals from not being in contact with him. You need to let the withdrawals start, it’s the only way for the Affair Fog to lift so you can see the affair as it really is and not through Rose Colored Glasses so to speak.
I know you are hurting, it feels like a death and in reality, it is. You are going to grieve the loss of this relationship just like you would any other except that it is going to be more difficult because it was a hidden relationship and you have to be careful on how you mourn because nobody knows about it — It’s Horrible, my husband has watched me cry and be depressed and he feels helpless…
Please try to take some time for yourself — You need to get involved in something that you enjoy doing as an outlet. Go somewhere where you can park with the windows rolled up and scream and cry where no one can hear or see you — LET IT OUT, you can’t keep it inside, it will only make it worse. I’ve actually been thinking about getting into individual counseling and you might want to do the same — I need to figure out why I would ever allow myself to be in this situation.
DO NOT E-MAIL HIM OR CALL HIM!!!!!! He has asked you to not and you need to follow that not so much for him, but for you — You need to be able to take some control back and as much as you don’t see that this is taking a little bit of it back right now, you will once the shock and numbness of what you are feeling starts to lift.
PLEASE go to the ivillage board and read through some of the stories and when/if you feel comfortable, post your story and let others talk to you — You will see that you are NOT alone and that your situation is more common than you think….
I hope you have a good day — Happy Mother’s Day!! Please take this day to remember you (not him).
I know you are hurting, I am experiencing the same hurt, but mine has lifted some because the numbness and shock has lifted and I’m starting to see things a little clearer now. The pain does lessen but you need to do your absolute best to not contact him right now. You think that it will help if you hear from him but I promise you that it’s the exact opposite. New Contact = New Hurt. You may feel better while you are talking to him but as soon as the phone hangs up or the e-mail is read, you start back at square one with the emotional hurt — Don’t put yourself through that, you deserve better than that!!
Love, Jess
21 LT // May 11, 2008 at 11:51 am
(USA) Hi Angel, Firstly, the email account being closed is absolutely a blessing! Sometimes things that cause us to sin (stumbling blocks as the bible calls them) have to be cut off cold turkey.
You have to battle this one day at a time. It’s actually going to be more like a few hours at a time, initially, then a day at a time, then a week at a time, etc. until you no longer have to fight the urge off at all.
Keep in mind - it is a SIN for you to be contacting this man for unpure reasons or even thinking about him.
Now that it is done, you have to focus on God. This means every time you think of him, want to email him, etc. stop, pray and open your bible and read until the urge goes away. This is the ONLY way you can move on. Replacing unpure things with pure things.
It’s hardly any different than a drug addiction. Your feelings break down to an emotional addiction (the other man is what feeds it) and now that it’s not being fed, you are going through withdrawal. You have a long, hard withdrawal period but feeding your addiction by giving in to your urges will keep you from ever moving on. Don’t feed the addiction anymore!
It is the RIGHT (and righteous) thing to move on. It is pleasing to God. It is unpleasing to God when you give in to the urges. The way to move on from this addiction is to focus on God and focus on cutting the sin out of your life. As you can see, it is a BIG job and that’s what will fill up the void. Where you used to sin and have an affair, now you have to replace it with learning the habit of not sinning and cutting the affair off. It’s like throwing away an old habit and unlearning it, and learning a new habit and new way of life. One without the affair.
Keep plugging through it. It’s very difficult at first but gets easier over time. It’s like a car accident victim or stroke victim learning how to walk again.
Consider these verses: Mark 9:43-49 - it talks about sin that can keep someone from entering the kingdom of God and in this passage it says whatever is causing someone to sin, it must be plucked out. Your affair MUST be plucked out of your life - COMPLETELY.
God has taken it away from you cold turkey. He’s giving you guidance by doing this and telling you the right direction to walk in but it’s up to you to follow that guidance. You’ve been given the road to take - you must now make your choice over whether to follow it (the right road out of sin) or whether to stay in it and continue thinking about a man who is not your husband. A man Satan is using to play on your emotions and draw you away from God and threaten your very entrance into the kingdom of God.
Please do the right thing. Don’t even think about sending an email to the work account. Look at it this way - doing that would be playing right into the devil’s hand. You’re tearing yourself up, you’re tearing your marriage up and you’re lying to your child to cover your sin. When you look at it that way (and that’s my perspective as an objective outsider and fellow sister in Christ), it makes it a little clearer what is really going on and hopefully makes it easier to push those thoughts out of your mind each time they crop up. You will need to practice putting those thoughts out of your mind every moment until they no longer come and that will take a few weeks or months.
I will keep you in my prayers. With love and hope, LT
22 Angel // May 11, 2008 at 12:02 pm
(USA) Is it normal to feel exhausted and why?
23 Marie // May 12, 2008 at 7:33 am
(USA) Dear LT, Wow! Thank you for your heart and the time you took to share with Angel.
I’ve been suffering in silence for 5 days of NC. It breaks my heart and almost overwhelms me with grief that I must cut off all contact with my best friend forever.
I tried to have it all - being married with children AND still have the romance and excitement I craved with my best friend. I never would’ve cheated with a man. My guard was up. That was completely off limits.
But Satan got to me thru the back door. It was unlocked. I’ve never had lesbian tendencies. But one kiss and … I’ve been "happily" in bondage for 4 yrs. Living a lie. Pretending to be a good Christian. And unable to break off my relationship.
Last week, I thank God for new strength. My BF and I have both been convicted that God can never bless our sinful lives. I was trading my stable marriage and the future of my relationship with my children for something that could never be. It was a mirage.
Even though I knew from the beginning it was wrong and would never work, I continued for 4 years. I can’t put my finger on why.
Your advice of "replace your behavior with learning the habit of not sinning and cutting the affair off. " is so true. It’s exactly what Beth Moore teaches in "Breaking Free" and "Why Godly People do Ungodly Things." So why haven’t I mastered it yet?
Your post helped and encouraged me. Now that the A is officially over, I need to continue to run to His Word and read the Bible until my obsessive feeling fades. Days that I do not begin with prayer and submission, I am ripe for a huge battle.
Here’s my prayer, "Lord, for all of us whom You are convicting to end our sinful relationships, give us courage. Help us to see our wrongful behavior and confess it to You. And please use this blog and other godly people to support us as we repent by turning away from that bad habit. Lord, may we turn to You to satisfy our need for relational intimacy. May we seek You with all our hearts. Thank you for helping us to connect to one another on this blog. May you use this to help open our eyes and heal our hearts. Amen"
24 Janina // May 13, 2008 at 6:58 pm
(USA) I am in same boat, sinking, and I am a "Christian" too in a very public position. I broke it off twice and now he won’t take me back this last time! Both of us are married and would never have let our spouses know! He’s a fool! He says he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore! He’s hurting me now! He’s doing a no contact thing with me, I guess. And his wife doesn’t even know.
Each time I ended it I changed my number and hurt him, I guess. Then I called him 3 days later crying “I’m sorry, I love you.” We’ve been in love ten years and consummated it last September. Now it’s over? My husband is a better man altogether! But it’s the high, the emotion the euphoria, I miss and so I called him Saturday after two weeks of no calls by either of us. He didn’t answer or call me back.
Last time he didn’t call me back, I said horrible things on his voice mail, and he called back then! We both cried. I know he loves me but wants it to end! Why? Because I hurt him? Why would a man give up a non-threatening affair? He said it’s for me and watch the movie Roman Holiday???
25 Janina // May 13, 2008 at 8:42 pm
(USA) I didn’t think the above (last) post posted. I typed it through my cell phone, sorry for the spelling and stuff. Anyways, it sounds like I am a young girl or something, but I am 43 and he is 52, no young hotties. (Well, not young…..hotties, maybe : )
It has been one long almost ten year emotional affair, and then, because I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, I took it to the next level, cautiously. But he responded, and it was intense.
And the calls, the calls, the calls! I think it affected him more so than me, and he always told me that I’d never know how much he loves me, and he doesn’t want to hurt me or my family (husband). When I screamed horrible things at him, about me being his whore, (I knew better, but I also knew it would make him call me), he called mad as can be and said he’d never be over me, bla bla bla, and love doesn’t disappear, bla bla bla. But he’s doing a no contact!
Is he scared of me now, that I went off on him? He knows I’d never risk my position (in the church) and family by telling anyone. I think he is doing it for me and himself, and his wife and daughters and his sanity. He knows we can never be together, and that always used to make him sad. Sadder than me.
And like you all- my husband is the better man, in every way.
Now I’m out of an addictive love affair, and out of a ten year emotionally charged friendship. It’s driving me crazy sad. It’s such a loss. It’s a hole. I have prayed, and each time I broke it off, it was with so much determination, and strength. Only to call him 3 days later, saying I missed him, and can’t leave him.
I don’t feel bad for crying with him the day I made him call me back, with those terrible things I said. I told him that that’s what happens: I’m hurting you, because you’re hurting me. I’m crying, I’m sad, this hurts and this sucks, and you’re gonna hear me cry! And I made him listen to me cry. When you love someone and you sleep with them, and then it starts ending, or ends, what do you expect? A lot of emotion, thats what!
I keep repeating NC=NH, like I read above. New contact= new hurt. And the new hurt is when I called Saturday, left a nice message, and haven’t got a call back. That’s the new hurt. I know he loves me. Maybe his wife found out, or was getting suspicious, or maybe I just want to think that, rather than to think he’d dump me?
26 LT // May 13, 2008 at 9:27 pm
(USA) Hi Janina, I recently wrote a post here to Angel and if you didn’t already read that, I’d suggest it to you because I think it applies to your situation as well.
The other thing that came to mind in reading your situation was this - I don’t think this other man is intentionally trying to hurt you. Here is what I think is going on (or at least what I hope is going on) - I think he simply is feeling the very strong tug to do the right thing.
The Godly thing is to end it. I hope, for both of your sakes, that this is why he is ending it. If he is doing it because of a spiritual conscience issue then it means God is seriously tapping him on the shoulder telling him, "uh uh", no no, what you are doing is wrong!
Even if that’s not the reason why he’s ending it, I believe God is also tapping your shoulder and telling you the same thing. No, no - it’s wrong.
You can drive yourself crazy wondering why but my suggestion, in addition to the suggestions I wrote in my post above to Angel, is to start reading the articles here on affairs but also on being a Godly woman. SOOO many of these articles have spoken to my spiritual heart over the year I’ve been coming to this site and have changed me into a better spiritual-minded person and I’m sure they can do the same for you. There were times when I read through some of them, in tears, knowing that God had directed me right to them because they were so fitting for my life. It’s a wonderful experience and I pray that happens for you, as well, over the next few weeks and months of your healing journey out of infidelity.
When you start wondering why it’s ending - tell yourself first that it’s because it is God’s will. He loves you so much he not only gave his Son’s life for all of us and our sins, but to you individually that he’s taking this affair from you to help keep you from giving in to your sinful desires.
He’s helping you by wanting to keep you from sinning in the first place. It’s hard at first but it is the right thing. You have to take over the reigns from here, though, and buckling down and being strong despite the pull of your flesh.
Being a Christian is a series of situations where we must die to the self. Stay strong and keep pushing through this. There could be a million reasons why this man is doing this but look at it this way : it’s God loving you so much He’s helping you to stop. That’s why it’s happening. With love, LT
27 Marie // May 14, 2008 at 4:49 am
(USA) Janina, If you are like me, during the first day of no contact (NC), you think you will go out of your mind. Do whatever you have to do to break past that 3 day NC. Be away from all phones.
I am starting to have my obsession replaced with peace. And the pain is still there. I think it will always be to some extent.
I agree with LT (isn’t she great!?) that he is not intentionally hurting you. And it is God’s will for both of you to become "disentangled".
Be thankful he is not crying to you and begging you not to end it. God brought you both to this point for a reason.
There’s much wisdom in these posts and many others. Use whatever you can to gather strength to get thru one minute at a time, then one hour at a time and soon it will be one day at a time.
28 Marie // May 14, 2008 at 5:01 am
(USA) Janina, One more thought… don’t think of it as he has dumped you. You both have agreed it should end twice before. So it has been on each of your hearts. He simply found the strength this time to initiate.
And why should he end a "nonthreatening" affair? I think you hit it on the head with the word "sanity". Could it be that living a lie is destroying him?
I feel so "unworthy" to give any insight. I’m on day 7 of NC. And I feel I could "fall" any moment. But I’ve been asking God for His help. By my own efforts, I am so fragile and weak. Godspeed.
29 LT // May 14, 2008 at 12:03 pm
(USA) Hi Janina and Marie, Just an FYI that I went through the same thing. It was almost an entire decade ago now. God got me through it but it was actually one of the worst times of my life; it was very difficult but my marriage was very bad as well so that’s what made that time even more confusing than it could have been. (I wasn’t leaving a great husband and marriage for my jollies. Satan knew how horrible (abusive) my marriage was and I played right into that temptation). I can’t say my husband was great, etc. He’s much more spiritually minded now, as am I, but I may try to give the details when I have more time in the future. I have been there, so I just wanted to share that in case my "credibility" was questionable.
I will say this - only and I mean ONLY God was what got me through. I would have never been able to do it on my own - it requires strength beyond human capabilities. Both of you ladies will get there. I just know it! Stay strong and when you feel weak, pray for more strength!
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. "
Matthew 7:7-8
30 Janina // May 14, 2008 at 12:49 pm
(USA) Thank you so much. I’m at work and cannot post but appreciate your words! Thanks!
31 Angel // May 14, 2008 at 1:57 pm
(USA) It’s been almost a week now since he last corresponded with me. Some days are better than others. I was actually pretty happy today. Maybe my love tank is filling back up. I did send the one email to his work email addy..a short 4 liner basically telling him I knew he had to do what he had to do to save his family. I did not expect a response. The wife has obviously told the children. I saw on the 18 year old daughters myspace she was numb and wanted someone to "tell me what to say to him".
I went into my photos just now I just wanted to look at his picture and saw I had accidentally deleted all my inbox photos..not just his but all I had received in emails. It makes me sad not to have them but maybe God did it. All I have of him now is one on my cell phone.
I am learning some things about myself. I’m learning the high and rush I got that his attention had overtaken me. I find myself wanting another male to fill that void. I have to let God cure this hole in my heart or the same thing will happen again. I am trying to go to my husband for hugs and comfort even though he has no clue why. I have got to allow God to fix my little girl trauma and heal me.
32 Janina // May 15, 2008 at 1:49 am
(USA) Jess, your posts are encouraging and I read and re-read them. I wish I had found this sight earlier. We never agreed to break up previously, I broke it off with him. He couldn’t reach me because I changed cell phone numbers twice. So that’s why he says he knows he’s hurting me. He can’t give me what I want. I was becoming ever more demanding. The more of him I had the more I wanted. He had business problems and would be late calling and I’d be crying. Dumb of me.
Anyways, I would never tell husband and suggest that no wife does that unless she is willing to seriously consider divorce. It’s a big possibility, and not one to risk to clear your conscience and dump your (our) garbage on him, the innocent one. Your marriage will suffer more, unless of course he’s a jerk. I love my husband with my life, can you believe that? Its true. I’ve been with him since I was 15. Yet I cheated.
33 Janina // May 16, 2008 at 11:42 am
(USA) I called Tuesday and asked if he would call me back just to exchange pleasantries. He did briefly, then said he had to go and to call him Friday. Today is Friday. He was just stalling and appeasing me, but I kinda want to call, but if he doesn’t answer, then NC=NH! Help, its almost lunch.
34 LT // May 16, 2008 at 1:45 pm
(USA) Hi Janina, Well it’s disappointing that you are still communicating with a man that is not your husband.
With anyone else, it would be "pleasantries," not, however, with a man with whom you had an affair. Please don’t kid yourself… it’s not pleasantries, it’s an addiction. You are still giving in to the addiction.
All I can say is you have to ask yourself, do you really want to move on and stop the affair? Your recent post seems to imply otherwise. Do you really think it is wrong to have an affair (physical or emotional) or do you not? The Bible says it is. Do you believe that? Only you can make the decision to stop. Talking to this man, for any reason, isn’t helping you to do the right thing.
I’ll give you an example - my church confronted my husband on his abusing me. He was told to stop doing it (hitting/shoving me) or not come home. His actions were endangering my safety and my life so those were his choices. If he had come home (after our brief separation) and justified continuing to hit me, our church would have stepped in again and treated him as an unbeliever or I would have called the police.
In other words, he didn’t come home, after being confronted, and continue to do the same things and then find ways to justify it. This was the only example I could bring to mind to try and convey to you my thoughts on this.
Your husband knows nothing of this affair but who is to say, if you don’t cut it off, that God won’t find a way to open your husband’s eyes to it?
I told you in one of my post’s that God was helping you to move on by having the other man want to stop contact with you. If you don’t follow God on this at this step, all I can guess is that God will find another way to get your attention and it will probably be harsher the next time. Listen to God now, while God is still being gentle. Stop trying to call this man or contact him in any way. Move on with your life.
I’ll share with you what kept me from EVER wanting to have an affair again. I left my husband briefly to be with the other man. I had no intention of coming back. But it didn’t work out (of course) and I returned home, albeit to an abusive husband. I did the right thing, however, I found myself so confused and thinking I loved 2 men and I couldn’t find my way out of that hole (I didn’t have a website like this to come to) and I spiraled into depression. Eventually I attempted suicide. I hated my life and what I’d done and the awful sinner I became. I am convinced the only reason I’m here today is God sent some angels to save me. I had swallowed pills, woke up in vomit and couldn’t keep any food down for three days. I can assure you, THAT got my attention.
Normally I don’t share this much personal info but I know what I’m talking about - I’ve been there. I’m trying to keep you from going there or somewhere similar. God is using me and the others writing on this board to help you, but we can only help you if you let us.
I’m not the only one who has told you to stop contacting this man and I don’t know how to make it clearer to you but you are desperately in danger. You MUST stop communicating with this man. I hope this is clear. I’ll keep you in my prayers, LT
35 Janina // May 16, 2008 at 5:09 pm
(USA) I said thank you to Jess but meant everyone who’s responded to my posts. I post and read from from my cell phone and sometimes it’s difficult to know who posted what. So thanks to all!
36 Angel // May 17, 2008 at 10:55 am
(USA) Sisters, The women that are further down the path than we are really do know what they are talking about.
It has been about 10 days since we broke things off. I truly felt for 7 of those that I was going to curl up in a ball and die. I have problems with Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS) and they were severe due to the stress of this for a week. I decided I needed to take a few days off of work to take care of ME. My Doc wrote me a note off work for me for Thursday and Friday and has given me the lowest dose possible of Xanax temporarily to help relieve the stress that causes the IBS. I know this is temporary and only God can help in the long run.
The email I wrote I took control of the situation and ended things MY WAY. I also had a close girl friend (GF) erase his cell numbers off my phone. I did not have the strength to do it. I erased his photos off my phone. God in his mercy had me accidentally erase his photos off the PC days ago by mistake.
The sisters are right when they say if you can get through the initial hurt and pain that the fog really does lift. If I had put the last 18 months into my marriage that I had into him, who knows where we’d be now. I told my GF I had wasted 18 months of my life. She said if I grew from it and learned from it, it wasn’t wasted. God can take our internal GPS when we get lost and still get us where He wants us to go.
Afternoons are the hardest. I want to get on and find someone to chat with that’s male and I still fight with that. But every day is DOES get better. We CAN live without them. As Joyce Meyer would say we are dealing with soul ties of our own making.
When the fog begins lifting you start thinking what was I thinking….let the fog lift.
And the most beautiful thing is that last night I laid in bed and listened to a Christian teaching on CD and cried and felt God and He spoke to me.
I heard a song yesterday that said when our kite string gets all knotted up God will unravel it, and that sometimes it’s painful while He does, but once He has it straight then we can fly again! Love to all my sisters, Angel
37 Angel // May 20, 2008 at 1:34 pm
(USA) A last comment here on my situation. J called me on my job number today. A long time a go I told God I did not have the strength to break this off. I told God I wish J would get serious about Him (God) and break things off so that relationship could be restored. I always felt he just played church. In our short conversation he said his wife (even through the ex girlfriend was stalking him and sending the wife the email) has granted him total and complete forgiveness and that part of that was she got to keep up with all the phone records and work email. She has no clue I existed. They are receiving counseling from their minister.
He said he owes it to her and to his kids to try. I am so glad that God is faithful and hopefully J can have the relationship with God that I have always wanted him to have. I feel my prayers concerning that were spirit led and I am feeling like I am now able to have closure.
I know this will probably still be a battle at times but for J to have salvation…..that so blesses me and lifts my heart. God can truly use all our messes for His good and glory and I also have an appreciation for my own salvation as well as a new tenderness for prodigal children of God. For I now have been such a one.
His mom in an Alzheimer’s home has a doll that has been in my family for a while. He is going to try to get it and return it to me. I will probably take a girlfriend with me to get it in a public mall with no physical touches when it is time.
38 LT // May 20, 2008 at 5:02 pm
(USA) Hi Angel, Thanks for the update - God does make gold dust out of ashes.
I think it’s a good plan to have a girlfriend go with you to get the doll at a public place. Perhaps even better would be your friend to go and meet him without you, if possible. It sounds like you are close to closure. God bless!
39 Becky // Jun 2, 2008 at 8:45 am
(USA) I have been reading all the stories on this site. It helps to know I am not alone. Here is my story…
I have been married 13 years and have 3 children. About 5 years ago I started to feel horribly unhappy and lonely in my marriage. I thought it was just because we had little kids. That is what is suppose to happen, right? We slowly drifted apart. I was happy in all senses of my life, I had the family I had always dreamed about. But I had very little intimate relations with my husband (once every 6 or sometimes 8 months).
I had started a new job and had finally gotten out of the "mommy" stage of my life. I felt like a women again. A divorced from his wife and had 2 college aged children. We started an affair which I admit was just exciting at first but then we started to have feelings for each other. I fell hard. I made love to him and actually wanted it. After about 4 months into the affair my husband found out about it. I said I would end it but never did. I thought I would just be more careful. I was truly in love with this man. And I know that he loved me.
Anyway, to make a long story short, in that next 8 months I was telling my husband I wanted to make it work but couldn’t give up the affair. My husband found out about it again and then I started to question everything about my marriage. Why couldn’t I give this man up? I had everything I ever wanted. I didn’t want to get divorced because of my kids. How would that new relationship ever work? The guilt would overwhelm me.
My husband over the course of 2 years found out about the affair 5 times. I still couldn’t decide and I didn’t want to let the lover go because I still wanted to be with him. At one point I told my husband I wanted a divorce and then got too scared of the effect it would have on my kids. I could not afford to make it on my own. But I wasn’t sure if I was making this decision because I was still in love with this other man and that would be the only way I could be with him. When I finally realized divorce was not the answer (with the help of counseling and because I was just too chicken) I decided for his sake to let him go. Also I knew I needed him out of my life so the fog can lift. I know that.
My husband wants to work on our marriage. But I need to get over this other person first. I am trying not to hurt my husband any more that I have. I feel alone to grieve for this person. I know that no contact is the only way and I have contacted him after I said I couldn’t leave my husband, but he has not contacted me back. I know it’s not because he does not love me. It’s because he is trying to do the right thing.
My question is…What do I do? There is so much doubt that I actually love my husband because I can’t let my lover go. I keep going back to him. I am going through so much grief. What if my marriage does not work and I have then lost someone that I love deeply? Should I set a time period for my marriage or do I just throw in the towel and go for it with the other guy? Please help.
40 Lisa // Jun 2, 2008 at 10:46 am
(USA) Becky, I am so in your boat! I wrote a few weeks ago about myself and my situation. I am newly married (only a year) and already attached to someone else (mostly on an emotional level)…but it is just so hard to let go. I have no kids yet, and because of this have thought very hard–is this the right marriage for me? Should I give it all up for a chance with someone else? The guy I am talking about is 18 years older than me with 2 teenage boys, and a very big player at my company. I always liked power and older men.
My husband is the nicest guy in the world, and has no idea of anything, but knows I am upset about things. I am just confused. But when you said-the fog has to lift–that’s true,and I am hoping that happens with me as well. Because I wonder the same thing–If my marriage doesn’t work-will I lose this person forever? My problem is I get bored in relationships–I just wonder if I’d be the same way in a few years with this man.
We have a lot of differences…so I just wonder–maybe I am thinking-is the grass greener? I don’t want to get separated (especially this soon after getting married)…but I am filled with different thoughts everyday. I am in therapy, and am hoping that in a few months of NO CONTACT, I will be able to figure out what I want. Have you and your husband thought about therapy? I think with each passing day of no contact-it will get better a bit. But do you need to see him everyday?
41 Marie // Jun 2, 2008 at 10:47 am
(USA) Hi Becky, I am struggling today mightily with upholding my no contact (NC) from A. I dropped in here again to reread the posts and gather strength.
I do know what you are going through. I’ve tried many times over the last 4 years to end it. But I’ve never instituted the NC. Ultimately, my feelings never changed for A. And after even talking or emailing, the flames would kick up.
Why, when we both knew it was wrong, couldn’t I let my lover go? I believed I could have my cake and eat it too. I even had a better relationship with my husband because my other needs were being met outside our relationship. If he knew, it would be over. Absolute devastating disaster.
It has been God convicting me of my hypocrisy. How can I worship my savior, and keep knowingly sinning? How can I try to teach my children about Jesus and the "golden rule" and be exempt from my ideals? What would I ever tell my young children when their innocent eyes searched me to tell them "Why?"? How would my unbelieving husband ever come to know and trust Jesus with such hurtful sin by his believing & loving wife?
Writing this now to you is helping me resolve to stay in the NC mode. I hope it will be helpful to you in some way.
I knew that the relationship with A was a total fantasy and mirage. It helped me to feel beautiful, exciting, and as though I was 18. But switching over to live with A and my kids would be a huge, huge mistake. I recognized that from the beginning and so was content to try to have one foot in each camp.
I am now seeking fulfillment from the Lord. Thanking Him for giving me another chance. Since my heart has changed, I’ve received His confirmation and blessing. God is so good!
Even so, the temptation for just a phone call to check in is right in my face. Thank you for giving me a reason to write and remind myself of where I need to be and why! Godspeed.
42 Becky // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:55 am
(USA) Thank you both for responding…I am coming to grips that this man I was involved with was and is no good. It’s hard to see that at first because you only see the positive things in a person..how he made me feel. It is very blinding.
Yes, to answer your question my husband and I are in counseling. We have been for about 6 months. I have also been in individual counseling also. I think you are right about getting bored in a relationship. Married with 3 kids can get dull. Also it does not help that I am a bit rebellious.
It has been 3 1/2 weeks since I have seen him and only been 2 weeks since I have talked to him on the phone. There have been a couple of emails but he now will not respond to anything I send him. I know I shouldn’t but I do it anyway. So today I have decided to not contact him. It hurts that he won’t contact me back and the reason it hurts is because no matter what you want to know he still cares, and that he has not moved onto someone else. I know in every logical part of my brain that I would never be able to trust him in the "real" world.
So last night I decided that if my husband was comfortable I would tell him about the relationship bad sides. All the weird and distrustful things this man did. Oh and there are a bunch that I totally justified because I wanted that fix when I would see him. My husband was awesome and said he was glad I told him and that it seemed like that is what I needed to do to make it a reality in my head and heart. We are making progress.
I know that if I were to leave my husband and be with this other man it would probably not work. And the guilt would be overwhelming. But the grief I am feeling for losing him is still there. Hopefully it will get better a little at a time. I have learned that I trust my husband 100% and that I can actually lean on him during this time. Isn’t that crazy or do I just have a really good guy already.
My advice to you Lisa, is to continue the NC and try (if you are able) to be honest with your husband. Whether you stay married or not it’s the only way you can help yourself to better understand what it going on with you. I have learned to trust my husband and see what he is made of. He’s a man that loves his wife and will do anything he can to help her down her path of life.
Thanks.
43 Angel // Jun 6, 2008 at 7:17 pm
(USA) Hello Sisters, It has been just over a month now since the breakup and 5 weeks since we were physically together. Days do get easier, afternoons too. There continues to be no contact. Part of that is hard, yet it does keep the roller coaster of emotions from being so terribly bad. I find myself wondering how he is doing, how they are doing, how long will he be able not to have another female in his life. I was tanning today and had my Faith Hill CD in. The song "Stronger" came on and is about a relationship breakup, but that it was for the best, and she would become stronger because of it and I cried. But the truth is he was never really mine to have. Our stolen moments was a fantasy world of perfection.
He was constantly on the internet, not working like he should have been, looking at porn. I chose to see only the good in him. I’m not so sure he could ever be faithful. I have a man that loves me, that loves God with all his heart, and I need to concentrate on trying to fix us. My heart is not towards my husband like it should be but hopefully that will return. He never knew and he never can know. It would be all over.
Unfortunately I am the product of not having a relationship with my Dad, and that has caused me to be needy emotionally. I wish I had never stepped out of my marriage and never met him. I had no clue going into this that I would ever want anything more than to talk on the net to a man. Please get out of your affairs while you can…ever day, every week month and year you stay in it makes it that much harder to break.
44 Demi // Jun 7, 2008 at 1:19 pm
(USA) Hello y’all….and LT… LT suggested I read some of this from yall and it’s amazing that most if not all the things men have told us, are the exact same. I’ve been crying a lot reading y’alls quotes. I just can’t imagine, NEVER EVER seeing this person again. It’s like death. I just break down!! My girls have left w/their dad. …I moved out 1 year ago this month …and can’t decide if I want to go back to my husband…cuz for the same reasons I’ve read above. …I’m not in-love with him anymore. I care and love him a lot ….but not IN LOVE with him.
My lover "A" took all that away. By the way LT…I’m 44 and he is 31. We met when he was 27. At the time…I was a bit shocked, but then I thought…my grandparents are 13 years apart and made it to their 50th anniversary, so I ignored the age. I’m not trying to toot my own horn y’all, but I don’t look 44 today. I look like I’m in my early 30’s, if not…late twenties. Maybe because I’m so petite. I know this doesn’t justify my affair. But I was smitten from the beginning with A.
I really need a hug and wished someone lived here in the Dallas area. I could use a friend right now. Demi
45 Angel // Jun 8, 2008 at 10:15 am
(USA) Hugs, Hugs, Hugs, Hugs! I so understand! Angel
46 Demi // Jun 9, 2008 at 9:26 am
(USA) Angel, thank you for the hugs. It doesn’t help that "FLO" is in town. But I needed a GOOD cry. I haven’t done that in a long time. But believe me…I’m still hurting very much.
I have a question for y’all…..This person sent many signals and some were: Gay tendencies (like watching gay porn w/his brother-in-law) (gay men checking him out while we were out. He said he get this all the time.
I saw suicide marks on his wrists (due to childhood) but 3 years ago, he was going to counseling and told me he actually had the thoughts again due to what was happening to us….he just couldn’t see straight I guess.
He got fired from his job (where I work) 1st week in Jan. of this year cuz he was watching porn during work. (He was warned in Oct.) but still did it.
Even with all these faults….I tend to ignore them. He had a bad childhood and has 8 STEP bros/sis. His mom was a H*&% and a game-aholic. Gambled her house. Most of his step sis/bros are alcoholics and/or or are low life’s w/no jobs. I’m wondering WHY I would be attracted to a person with this background.
Can someone please try and explain this to me?
47 LT // Jun 9, 2008 at 10:43 am
(USA) Hi Demi, I’m going to write what the Holy Spirit (and one of the things that comes with that, if prayed for, which I have, is discernment) is giving me in terms of what I perceive based on what you have written.
Firstly, ALL the things you write above are complete confirmation of what I wrote to you in my other note to you. I had this insight before I even knew any of the things you’ve just posted about the other man and his emotional problems. I don’t know if you had a chance to read my other comment yet (it’s on the page you originally it posted on). I said in there, based on this man’s lack of respect for you and his wife, he ultimately does not respect himself. In other words, he has no strong self-worth. I don’t say this to put him down or demean him - I don’t believe he even knows it, quite frankly, but that is what ALL those behavior patterns add up to.
FYI….porn addictions usually stem from unfulfilled emotional needs from childhood. They also feed into men not respecting women. Not only are the women objectified in these films but sex itself, a gift from God when used in the proper context, is made into a farce. It’s Satan’s ultimate way of twisting and defacing and defrauding something God made to be beautiful. The thought of porn makes me ill.
I’m going to take another leap here, because God is not currently giving me a clear answer on this, that this man is not a Christian nor is his family. Why were you drawn to him? As I stated in my other post - I believe you were in a state of weakness.
Please keep an open mind as I write further. I do not know you personally so I have no personal ties to the situation or the people involved and therefore I speak as a completely objective party, writing solely in response to the information you give.
Here is what I see - you say you are not "in love" with your husband. Well, again, that is the world’s definition of love and the world’s way of looking at love. Now, I used to fall for that, too. It’s all over in movies and shows but what my walk with Jesus has brought to light to me, is that it’s all wrong. God’s version of love is much different than that of the world’s.
To put it into layman’s terms, God’s version of love is more like what a good parent would do for his/her child. In other words, true, loving parents still love their kids even when they throw fits, do drugs, etc. When the start to do drugs, the parents put their foot down and get help and make a stand, even if it means having their child arrested because it’s the right thing to do. In other words, the world’s version of love is jump out when the heat gets too hot or when the romance goes too cold but that is not God’s way. See I Corinthians 13 for true love according to God.
Another statement I wanted to make to you, based on my observation and deductions of what you write, is that your relationship with Christ right now is very weak. Are you attending a church or do you have Christian friends with whom you can pray and they can pray for you? Is your prayer life strong? I don’t go to conventional church so I’m not going to say if you don’t go to church you’re a bad person, but I believe, through prayer, you need to have God guide you where to, right now, get your spiritual life back on track. When you’re right with God and in tune to God’s voice, everything else falls into place.
Because you’re weak with God right now, Satan is completely praying on you and your weaknesses. The way out is to get stronger with God.
Because of your looking at "love" through the world’s eyes (and I used to do the same thing so I know what it’s like), you’ve succumbed to an affair, you’ve left the husband God gave you, and now your girls live in a broken home and all the hurt and confusion that comes from that. I know it’s too soon to talk about you reconciling with your husband, but, eventually, that has to be addressed. Love perseveres and stands up for what is right (to paraphrase I Corinthians 13). If you’ve moved out and broken up your family for your own selfishness, it’s not what is right.
There are times when one spouse has to leave their home because of abuse, but that is not the case for you. In the case of abuse, leaving is doing the right thing. Therefore it’s supporting what is right out of love. But I do not see that to be the case with you. You left because you aren’t "in love." That’s just not a good enough excuse for God. For God, that’s not an acceptable excuse at all.
Right now, because you are separated, though, I say take this time on your own to get back on track with God. Become stronger in God. Pray and study daily. Fast if you need to. We all fall down, but you receiving advice here, from Godly people, is God’s way of picking you