You’d think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance—a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most—his or her family.
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover—for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity—from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
The authors Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.
There is also an additional article written by Dr Harley, which is featured on the web site for the Family Dynamics Institute, that you might find helpful. You can read it by clicking onto the link provided below:
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(USA) Stephanie, I’m so glad you happened upon this website. I know what you are experiencing and it is not an easy thing to do (both staying in the A (affair) and getting out of it).
It sounds like you are now rethinking your marriage and are willing to put the effort and energy into seeing if it can be healed, and that is wonderful but the only way to even begin is to end your A (affair). There is no way that you can sort out your feelings if the AP (affair partner) is in your life, no matter how good it feels to have someone who you enjoy being with and confide in.
The thing about an A is that it totally clouds all judgment, including feelings — You have to keep in mind that you don’t spend day in and day out with the AP and that real life is not a part of the equation (bills, keeping a house, children, etc, etc). That’s the illusion that keeps us thinking that this person is so PERFECT for us because we haven’t experienced the true trials of life together with them and all we can see is how they make is feel at the moment.
I understand the fact that you feel you may have married the "wrong" person but you will truly never know unless you give up the A all together. This other person has been a part of your engagement and marriage the entire time so you have had no time to truly figure it out. Being with him prior to your engagement and being with him now has allowed you NO time to figure anything out. Am I reading it right that your H (husband) is out of the house right at this time? If so, this could be a good thing to give you some space to try to figure things out.
What you need to do is focus on yourself and figure out why you have taken the road that you have. I know you talked about self-esteem, and truthfully, this plays a big factor in almost all A because we are in need of feeling validated and wanted, if we aren’t getting it in our M (marriage) and it’s easier to get the validation outside of our M, then it is to try to find a place to start on working on our M.
I too am a Christian and being in the place that I have been has been the roughest road. There is NO WAY to have a close and personal relationship with the Lord when we are clearly going against His Word — Oh my Goodness the struggles I have had with that!! The A has literally separated me from Christ making it hard to pray and worship because I was consumed with this other person and what I was involved in.
My A is officially over. I have asked him not to contact me any more, that we both need to go on with our separate lives and to please let me go. I am trying to constitute a complete NC (no contact) policy with him because I can’t get over him if there is continual contact, even just a text and this is so hard because they become a part of your life (as hidden as it is) and you become reliant on them for their friendship and the emotional high that they provide so not being able to communicate with them on any level feels like a total death.
I made it through 8-1/2 days until my XAP (ex affair partner) sent me a text saying he knew he wasn’t supposed to contact me but that he just wanted to know that I was ok — I wasn’t going to respond but ended up doing it the following day which I knew shouldn’t have, but I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I think that I have gained some emotional control over having asked him not to contact me and having the week + not hearing from him. All I can do is put one step in front of the other. My H has no idea either and at this point in time, that is the way I’m going to keep it. He never deserved to have to watch me cry and be all emotional over someone that he didn’t even know existed — That is the hard part, you will grieve this other person but it’s a must if you are going to figure yourself and your marriage out!!!
Please know that we are here for you and that we understand what you are going through and just remember that God already knew what was going to be taking place in your life before it ever happened so He is fully aware of the outcome of this (based on your choices of course). Distance yourself from your AP…It’s the only way.
Many hugs and blessings to you!! Jess Please visit: http://www.ivillage.com
(USA) After I posted this I tried to begin to start pulling away. The next day his contact persisted above anything he had ever done. We met today and for the first time I wanted to leave before he did. I wanted to get it over and go home. I even had the thought this is the last time you will be with him and I was not sad. Until today I thought I loved this man. I am not really sure what’s is going on. I am not sure if God has temporary lifted a fog…who knows it may be back tomorrow. Today was definitely weird.
(USA) Jess the statement you made above really got to me
"Please know that we are here for you and that we understand what you are going through and just remember that God already knew what was going to be taking place in your life before it ever happened so He is fully aware of the outcome of this (based on your choices of course). ….."
Sometimes I wonder how a God could ask me to be His daughter knowing the foolishly huge sins I would commit. How can He love me when I sin? Am I jumping in and out of His Book of Life? When I behave, am I there, and when I sin, am I rubbed out? God judged many nations and cities for behaving immorally….I am thinking way to much tonight. Tired going to bed.
God bless you all for your love and input.
(USA) Angel, "Sometimes I wonder how a God could ask me to be His daughter knowing the foolishly huge sins I would commit. How can He love me when I sin? Am I jumping in and out of His Book of Life? When I behave, am I there, and when I sin, am I rubbed out? God judged many nations and cities for behaving immorally"
God loves you! He sent his Son to die on a cross for you. Do you realize that even if you were the only one on this earth, he would have sent His Son to die on that cross for you alone? He loves you and that will never stop. Jesus died for ALL of your sins, the past ones, the present ones and the future ones that you don’t even know you will commit yet so you don’t need to worry about jumping in and out of His Book of Life — The price has been settled for you by accepting Christ as your Savior!! All He asks is that we repent and more away from the sin which is not always easy and He knows this.
He knows your heart and the pain that you go through!! Hugs and Blessings, Jess
(USA) Hi, I stumbled upon this site and some of these comments seem very helpful. Here is my story:
I have been married to a wonderful guy for 10 months. After years of dating and being single, he was the first man I said after a month–I could marry him, I feel it. Before we got engaged (but I knew it was coming), I started getting nervous. Is this the right person for me? Is there someone better? Forever is a scary word, etc. I come from a family of divorce, parents divorced after 27 years of marriage, grandparents, aunts/uncles… I have never seen a happy marriage, so for me-I think most marriages do fail. (sorry for sounding so negative).
I got engaged and was happy about it, and a year later (last summer) got married. I guess part of me always had that thought-WHAT IF this isn’t right? Though when we are together, things are great. Fast forward 6 months into the marriage, I became friends with an older (by 17 years) man here at my office. He is divorced, 2 kids, and has a very powerful position at my company. Many people look up to him. We started a casual friendship but he took a liking to me fast. We didn’t see each other too often, working in different offices, but emails went back and forth and once in a while a lunch, or drinks after work.
Sure enough, we started connecting emotionally. I started pulling away from my marriage, getting confused…maybe I married the wrong guy, maybe this other man is right for me, i feel that connection. He also reminds me so much of my father who was a bit emotionally distant in my life, so I really like that about him. He professed his feelings for me, and said he wished I wasn’t married and how we could have a great life together, etc. This coming from a man like this, made me feel amazing. Yet I knew it was so wrong.
About a month ago, I started really questioning my marriage, and things had been getting distant. I told my husband I am not ready to have kids (he is a few years older and really wants them ASAP)…but I told him I am confused about this marriage. I feel so terrible because I get upset at home and can’t tell my husband that I have this with the other man. I have decided that in order to see if my marriage is right, I need to cut all contact with the other person.
It’s only been 2 days, and it’s very hard…but I know I have to do it. I spoke with my parents about how I am feeling and they both agree that I need to give my marriage my all, go to counseling, anything…and give it a time period–maybe a year from now…see how it is. Hopefully everything that is missing will be there again, but if not, I will cross that bridge then.
It’s just so scary not knowing though the outcome. I miss the other man so badly and I know I broke his heart. Deep down, I know he is waiting for my final decision… though I told him I am not making one anytime soon. He said the connection he has with me, he hasn’t had with anyone before, and he has more love for me than he ever did for his wife. It’s just so confusing! I see life with him as great, but he also comes with some baggage. Maybe love overcomes that.
All I ever wanted was a marriage of true love, head over heels love…I know sometimes that goes away after the romantic phase, but still. What if I lose my chance with this other man?
Sorry so long, just wanted to get it all out there! Thanks in advance for any advice.
(USA) Lisa, I just read your post and I applaud your decision to give your all to your marriage. Focus on why you fell in love with your husband. What was it like when the two for you first got together? Remember how great is was? Ask GOD to remind you if your having a hard time. Don’t think about overcoming obstacles with this other man. Concentrate on overcoming the obstacles that started making your marriage distant. My husband was extremely neglectful and we almost ended in divorce because of his addiction to lust. I can’t even tell you how many times I thought about going and finding someone else and especially when I have awesome guy friends.
You cannot feel bad about breaking this other man’s heart. He set himself up for heart ache because he knew that you were married. You need to change your image of this man or else you’ll find it incredibly hard to distance yourself. Instead of seeing him as this great guy who loves you, see him for what he really is. He is a threat. He is this man that took advantage of your venerability, without any respect for GOD or for you. And he’s aiding you in disobeying GOD. Thus he’s your key to damnation.
If he really cared about you, do you think that he’d be pursuing you when knows that you are married? He doesn’t respect or love you very much if he doesn’t care about your soul. He’s lonely and confused. You’re lonely too and that’s the only reason this connection happened in the first place.
Telling your husband about this situation would be a great way to start. You should tell him everything about what was going on and how confused you are. Lead with your decision to make your marriage work. Then maybe together you can discover the root reason for your marital venerability. Are you contacting a Christian Counselor? I strongly suggest you do, because a marriage with out Christ is not really a marriage. Are you and your husband believers? I get a feeling that you are. That is why you know this emotional affair is wrong.
I will be praying for you really hard Lisa, and I hope that you find what you need in your husband. I know how being neglected and neglectful can feel. Love ya, LYNNE
(USA) I am numb. This may or may not be long. It is complicated. While J was seeing me, apparently there also was another woman. She was a fatal attraction type. I found out about her and basically gave him an ultimatum. He has not seen her since February and I have his email passwords to prove this. She had threatened to go to his wife months ago by email and tell her. Today she made good on her threat. We were in the middle of email exchanges when the tone changed and he told me what had just happened. He told me no contact what-so-ever on email or phone, and that he loved me.
When I was with him Monday I heard a voice say, “This is the last time you will be with him.”
I had told God the first day I posted here that I could not break up with him. I did not think that he was going to have to do something on his end. It was so fast, so quick….and I am totally numb. How will I ever manage this? And I get to go to my daughters dance recital and have to act all happy..when emotionally I am in a lot of pain.
(USA) Oh Angel
I totally understand what you are going through right now — I TRULY do!!
My situation was kind of the same way. I was struggling and went forward at church (didn’t say anything about my situation) for prayer and literally 2 days later his wife confronted him on who I was because she saw my phone number all over the cell phone bill. I believe that once I gave the situation up to God, He found a way to take care of it regardless as to whether or not I was in a place where I was really wanting or ready (emotionally) for it to be over or not. It’s amazing how it works!!
God has now allowed a way for you to be free of this situation. He knew that it was going to be difficult and painful for you to go through but still wanted to provide you with a way out. The voice you heard on Monday was God preparing you for what He already knew was going to take place with J’s wife finding out. Be thankful and grateful that it was this other woman that the focus is on right now (I’m assuming that the wife knows nothing about you). You don’t want to be known as a home wrecker and the fact that this other person is the one who confronted his wife, if something happens his marriage (ending), it will be directed towards her, provided it doesn’t come out that he was involved with you as well.
The numbness you are feeling is completely normal, it’s the way your body is protecting itself. You are going to experience SO many emotions so be prepared.
I just hope that you are going to step back and walk away from this situation!?!?! God has provided a way for you to but it’s going to be up to you to make the right decisions and choices from this point forward. I can only hope that you will make the choice to not stay involved with J. The fact that he told you no more contact via email or phone what-so-ever, is telling you that he doesn’t want it found out that he has been with you as well, which means he is concerned about losing his marriage.
I am going on 2 months since physically seeing the other man (by my choice). It was too hard to be with him for an hour here and an hour there and then have to walk away knowing that he was going back home to his wife and me to my husband — It just hurt too much and I was sick and tired of putting myself through it over and over again. Most of the time we would see each other, there was no sex involved because I wasn’t going to be doing that in a vehicle. Having sex with him was wrong all in itself and I felt like I had enough self worth in myself that I wasn’t going to be someone who did that in a vehicle. He knew where I stood and never pushed that. He was happy just being able to hold me, kiss me and just talk.
I’m not going to kid you, it is going to be very hard. But once I realized that I couldn’t even talk to him on the phone anymore like we used to (we never emailed), what was the point, honestly? I lived day to day being able to talk to him in the morning and during the day…it got me through the day. And now that had been taken away. Once you clearly see what is remaining now, with no emails or calls, you will see how empty it is going to be.
Be the one to tell him it is over if he still attempts to see you. There are soooo many stories out there where the guy has been the one to end things and the women are feeling worse because they were not able to be the one to end things. There is a true power that you give yourself when you are the one to say "NO MORE"!
PLEASE give that to yourself — Take back a little bit of yourself that you have allowed J to take away from you. Being in an affair drains at your self worth and it’s now time for you to take some of it back!!!!
We are here for you….please keep posting as it’s a great outlet to talk with others who have gone/going through what you are going through.
Many hugs to you and you will be in my prayers!! Jess
(USA) God I am hurting! I went to email J a letter telling him that I knew his first priority had to be his kids now and his email account has been discontinued. I have his work account. He does not even know I have it and I could use it if I wanted to. This just seems so final and so upsetting to me. I was numb and not doing too bad until I decided to send the email. Now this is just so utterly final and I am shaking. My 21 year old just asked me what was wrong and I had to try to fake through it. (cry)
(USA) Angel, PLEASE go to this website: http://www.ivillage.com When you get to this website I want you to click on the "Messageboard" tab then type in "after an affair" in the search box. Go to the board that says EAS. This is a message board center where people who are going through the end of an affair go to post and talk to one another — I PROMISE, IT WILL HELP.
I wish I could give you a HUGE HUG, but know you are getting one from afar. You are going to experience literal withdrawals from not being in contact with him. You need to let the withdrawals start, it’s the only way for the Affair Fog to lift so you can see the affair as it really is and not through Rose Colored Glasses so to speak.
I know you are hurting, it feels like a death and in reality, it is. You are going to grieve the loss of this relationship just like you would any other except that it is going to be more difficult because it was a hidden relationship and you have to be careful on how you mourn because nobody knows about it — It’s Horrible, my husband has watched me cry and be depressed and he feels helpless…
Please try to take some time for yourself — You need to get involved in something that you enjoy doing as an outlet. Go somewhere where you can park with the windows rolled up and scream and cry where no one can hear or see you — LET IT OUT, you can’t keep it inside, it will only make it worse. I’ve actually been thinking about getting into individual counseling and you might want to do the same — I need to figure out why I would ever allow myself to be in this situation.
DO NOT E-MAIL HIM OR CALL HIM!!!!!! He has asked you to not and you need to follow that not so much for him, but for you — You need to be able to take some control back and as much as you don’t see that this is taking a little bit of it back right now, you will once the shock and numbness of what you are feeling starts to lift.
PLEASE go to the ivillage board and read through some of the stories and when/if you feel comfortable, post your story and let others talk to you — You will see that you are NOT alone and that your situation is more common than you think….
I hope you have a good day — Happy Mother’s Day!! Please take this day to remember you (not him).
I know you are hurting, I am experiencing the same hurt, but mine has lifted some because the numbness and shock has lifted and I’m starting to see things a little clearer now. The pain does lessen but you need to do your absolute best to not contact him right now. You think that it will help if you hear from him but I promise you that it’s the exact opposite. New Contact = New Hurt. You may feel better while you are talking to him but as soon as the phone hangs up or the e-mail is read, you start back at square one with the emotional hurt — Don’t put yourself through that, you deserve better than that!!
Love, Jess