You’d think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance—a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most—his or her family.
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover—for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity—from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
The authors Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.
There is also an additional article written by Dr Harley, which is featured on the web site for the Family Dynamics Institute, that you might find helpful. You can read it by clicking onto the link provided below:
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(USA) Hi! I stumbled across your sight by shear luck and boy am I glad I did. It’s nice to see that I am not in this boat alone. I too "drifted" and have been trying to end it. It is so hard and hurts so much I cannot believe it.
I have been with my lover for 5 years and, try this one on for size, he lives across the street!!! I wrote my letter and will be giving it to him tonight…wish me luck! I have been in therapy for this and obtained much more useful insight and how to end it from your web site than my therapist ever provided for me. So, I just want to thank all of you for pouring your hearts out and providing me with a place to go with this problem. Wish me luck with my letter.
(USA) It has been a year since my break up with my affair partner. I have been dreading this day. Emotionally I was not sure what it would hold. But yesterday a voice in my head told me to think of it instead as FREEDOM. A new chance… to be free.
(CANADA) I am so thankful that I have found this blog. I am currently sad and confused!
I have been with my husband for 16 years and have three children together. We met when I was 16 and he was 25. At the time that my husband and I met; I was in a casual relationship with the man I ended up having a 6 year relationship/affair with. At the time of meeting my husband, I did not think that the man I was in a casual relationship with was serious about me although he always told me he had a special place in his heart for me. So when I met my husband I wanted to embrace the relationship with my husband. I let the casual man go. I always knew I had love for him I just did not think he was serious about me.
I moved on and had my first two children with my husband but throughout that time frame I would casually get together with the other man. Trying hard to express my love for him but never being brave enough to leave my husband for him for fear that the other man only wanted me for the sexual compatibility.
Over the years the other man and I lost contact and I moved on to try to make my marriage work. My husband was not the best husband and I felt lonely and wanted to leave but never had the courage to do so. I was a stay at home mom as my husband did not want me to work but he barely made enough to support us. He was mean at times and I felt as if he took me for granted. Over the years I convinced myself that the other man was my soul mate and that although I did not know where he was that one day we would be together forever.
6 years ago out of the blue, I was in an area of my city that I had never been before and by golly he was there. He recognized me and it was if I was in heaven. I told him that I loved him that I have always loved him and that he was my best friend and I missed him terribly. We exchanged numbers and met for breakfast the very next morning. Of course my husband had no idea.
The next morning at breakfast, the other man told me that our interaction would be dangerous as we had such a strong connection.
Our desire for each other was so strong and exhilarating and it made me feel like a woman again.
I felt secure in his arms, in his presence. I found a sort of inner peace that he was back in my life. Over time our affair took on a form of a full fledged relationship. We talked about moving in together, having children together and just having a wonderful life together. Our relationship for the most part was wonderful however at times throughout the last 6 years we did stop talking as I was scared to leave my husband for him, fearing that I was not really what he wanted.
Things always started up again and I fell more and more in love with him. Things were good until last summer when I had left my husband and moved into my own apartment with my children. I hated where I moved to and was having a difficult time adjusting to where I was living. I was scared that I had made a mistake. I left the apartment within 21 days and although I did not move to the apartment under the guise that the other man and I were going to be together; when I moved back home, the other man freaked out and told my husband about the 5 year affair at that time. He told my husband everything, I mean everything!
I told my husband that I loved the other man and yet I tried to fix things with my husband but could not stop thinking of the other man and wishing I was with him. I found out shortly after I moved back home that I was pregnant with the other man’s baby and once I told him he hung up the phone and called my husband and told him. I felt like this was my chance to be with the other man and start the family I always dreamed of with him.
At this time my husband told my children everything as well. So I felt the pressure of my children knowing all my dark secrets. I felt that I made my bed now I had to lie in it. I entertained the idea of having a life with this man and having the baby. We planned to move out and he brought me to tell his family. When I was there his sister did not agree with our relationship and was visibly upset. Later I then went to see her with the other mans approval; when I was there she told me a whole bunch of things about the other man that I did not know. This caused me to be afraid of moving forward. I confronted the other man and when I did so he got very upset.
Throughout all the stress I lost the pregnancy and he blamed me. We stopped talking briefly when I ended the relationship in front of my husband. But that did not last long as I love this man! I do not want to give up on the dream. We began talking again, thus the relationship ensued very quickly.
He and my husband spoke on a daily basis at times with the other man filling in my husband of every detail. This made it very hard for me to end the relationship or want to at times feeling as though what I have done is unforgivable and I would be giving up the man I love for my husband who is going to leave me anyway.
So I moved forward with the other man again. We rented a house together that we were supposed to move in together on January 1, 2009. We painted it, planned it and again I was pregnant. The kids knew everything, my husband knew everything. But again I found out that the other man had some qualities that made me scared. I had some bleeding in this pregnancy and went to the hospital; the other man and my sister came with me. Everything would be fine If I rested.
I found out that later he went back to the hospital and through one of his connections obtained my medical records and a copy of the ultrasound. This scared me and again made me upset. Through the arguing and turmoil; I began bleeding very badly and lost the baby again. The other man and I stopped talking again as I felt as if he was controlling and I could not trust him as he obtained the medical info to show my husband. This too only lasted a few weeks. We began our relationship again and started to talk about moving in again.
In Feb I moved in for a period of three weeks and then moved out again after 3 weeks as he was playing mind games with me. I missed my husband and felt that I made a mistake. I was also paying for everything as he does not have a job. I picked my three children up and left. Once gone, I felt saddened and I did not know what to do. I missed the other man terribly, I love him. I started the relationship again and told him that I would move in again, but every time I was to move in something happened again and again that prevented me from moving in. Mind games, talking to my husband, mostly trust issues.
This happened until two Fridays ago, my husband lost it and kicked me out as he either wanted me to work on our marriage or get out as it was destroying him watching me have an affair while living with him. It was not fair to him. I agreed and I was saddened by the pain I put my husband through.
I ended up moving back into the house with the other man that Sunday. The very next morning I was feeling regret and saddened as I did not want to leave my husband. I wanted this relationship with the other man to end. I just did not know how to stop it cause I love him. And I felt like I was giving up on a dream.
The other man started fighting with me again and began to sleep on the floor. Ignoring me, and again calling my husband. IT ANGERED ME! It hurt me that the other man was constantly rubbing salt in my husbands wounds. I hurt for my husband! I hurt for all that I have done by tearing up my family and hurting him. I ended up not being able to take the relationship with the other man and with the grace of my husband wanting to forgive me, I moved back home with my husbands help.
I have known for a very long time that the relationship with the other man had to go, but I feel that every time I do I lose a part of me. I am afraid of trusting that my husband will try to forgive me. I can’t even seem to muster up enough courage to try to forgive myself. My relationship/affair gave me self worth and self esteem in the beginning and now has crushed anything I have. I do not believe that I am worthy of my husband’s forgiveness as I have hurt him for 6 years straight and honestly I am not sure I would be able to forgive him if he were on the other end of this mess.
The problem I am facing is that I want to work on my marriage. I want to mend my husband’s heart and fix our family. In fact I want to mend me too, but I miss the other man terribly. Today is hard. I am at work and crying as if someone just died. It feels like that. I always believed that the other man was my soul mate and I felt that GOD placed him in my life 6 years ago cause he knew how unhappy I was. But if that was true, why did I not go to the other man? Why was it not blissful?
Why do I feel so much guilt and heartache for hurting my husband? After 6 years of this affair, I still feel obligated to my husband. My heart lies with both men.
When I look at everything which mostly all of the 6 years is not written in this blog, I know I need to end it but why do I feel so sad? I know I want to fix my marriage and I know that this is for the best as I have lost myself through out this affair, but it is a bitter end.
(CANADA) Sometimes I justify the other mans actions cause I am still with my husband and that the ties to him are not severed completely. By the way, I was not clear but all three of my children are from my marriage. My pregnancies with the other man were not viable due to all the stress. Maybe it is a God send but at times it doesn’t feel like it.
I wish I knew for sure that I am doing the right thing and everything will be okay. It has been 5 days since the other man and I had any contact and I know it needs to stay that way but I miss him. I keep trying to lean on my husband as he knows everything and still wants to work things out and still tells me he loves me. I love my husband but through this affair I have distanced myself so much that at times I feel awkward.
(USA) I’ve been married for 22 years. I had the occasion to contact a girl to whom I was once engaged while on a business trip 12 years ago. Before the act itself ever occurred, I had second thoughts but tried to go through with it anyway. I later wrote the girl a letter apologizing for it ever having taken place… 2 years afterward, her husband found the letter and contacted my wife, just to hurt back I suppose. My wife said she forgave me. As for me, I never forgave myself and spent from the time of my one discretion to now hating that it ever happened and being evermore faithful. Well, it takes 2 to form the union and my wife decided to have an affair with a co-worker. That affair lasted at least 2 years, emotional and then physical. I found out about it and she ended it but still works with the guy.
2 years have passed and I have worked through forgiveness. Every time a bad memory pops up, I forgive as that is what God teaches and I am trying. In these 2 years, I have tried to trust but as long as she works with the guy I struggle and fail at trust. Last Friday she went to a fundraiser with her friend. When she got home she said she left her purse and I fell asleep before she got back. I didn’t think anything of it until 4 days later. I called her friend and confirmed that they were together the whole time.
Although I didn’t want to stir up new trouble, I called her ex-boyfriend’s wife and found that he was also there. We had an explosive argument this morning. I made threats and we had the worst argument of our 22 year marriage. But we don’t ever talk and are not close. I have not felt close in a very long time. I told her that if she wants to stay together, she has to choose between his friendship and our marriage. I referred her over and over to the subject at the top of this blog. She said she was going to see a lawyer, threw up damaging the kids lives and really tried to make me feel like I was the one to blame. AM I MISSING SOMETHING?
When things started cooling down I told her we needed to communicate about serious subjects and yes, I am terribly insecure as long as she works with the guy. She said she will not quit her job. We have tried counseling. It didn’t get through to her. It helped me. I don’t need any more counseling. I need her to communicate with me.
(USA) I am seeking advice. I am married and got involved with a married man. Both of us married almost 25 years and we acted like two teenagers. It was emotional affair, some physical contact though we never slept together. His wife found out which ended the relationship (carpooling, texting). We still continued to see each other because we work together each night.
Due to the economy he has been laid off from where we work, and thought the relationship was over. There hasn’t been any contact for almost two months, then he was called back to work last week. (I thought I had it together, thought I was over it. I told my husband about the whole situation and he forgave me and have been working on making our marriage better. I wrote the wife a letter and apologized.)
He talked to me in the parking lot and ‘reeled’ me in again saying how much he missed me and thought about me everyday for the past two months. I know what we have is an addiction and I’m trying so hard to get past it. Now, after two months it seems all my efforts concerning my marriage and my ability to get over this relationship vanished. I was moody and irritable last week, emotions ran amuck.
My question is…how do I get past this? I need my job and can’t quit. We depend too much on the benefits. How do I get over this when I see this person on a daily basis? There are little things I could do like park in a different parking lot, try to get to my car first, but just the act of seeing him throws me into a tailspin. Thanks in advance for any advice.
(PHILIPPINES) I’m having an affair. I’ve been married for only three years with my wife and I met this woman on one of my business trips. We ended up having an affair. First through texts, then we met face to face and had sexual relations.
I can’t let it go. My wife found out, but eventually she forgave me. But up to know, and without her knowledge, the affair goes on. I feel like I can’t let my other woman go. Sometimes I feel like leaving my wife, taking my kids with me and starting over with my lover.
It’s crazy I know. I’m a top level manager for a multinational pharmaceutic firm. But I can’t seem to get a grip on what is right or wrong.
My lover says she doesn’t want me to leave my wife. She’s still single (my lover), though I feel that there are also other men who are courting her.
I feel so weak now. I know what I need to do. I know I need to end the affair. But it feels like I’ve fallen so deeply. I’m even making arrangements for me and my lover to go on a weekend vacation. We only see each other every other month during my business trips out of town. What do I do now?
(USA) I hope my post will not be deleted because it offers a differing point of view. I understand this website is all about helping marriages and saving marriages and I am fully supportive of that, as is my husband. We also though believe though that it is good to consider other points of view.
My husband and I have been very committed Christians all of our married lives and have been married nearly 22 years. While I never had a secret affair, after nearly 20 years of marriage I did find myself in a situation where I developed very strong feelings for another man (single). It could have easily developed into a full-blown affair and many terrible consequences from it, but my husband and I chose a different path and we chose to let this person be a part of our lives (mainly a part of my life). It has been one of the greatest gift my husband could have ever given me. The other man has been a part of my life for almost a year and a half now and although there have been struggles and ups and downs, my husband and I would both say that our marriage is stronger today than it ever has been, especially the way our communication and trust have grown.
While we would not advocate our choice to everyone, it has worked for us. I truly believe that a lot of what is taught about monogamy is much more cultural than Biblical.
I also believe if this is a very wrong and evil choice that God would reveal that to the individuals involved if they are truly seeking His will, which we are, and believe that our situation was meant to be and happened for a reason.
I think that what a husband and wife choose together as okay for them is okay before God, as long as there is no harm done to any other people (because Jesus told us the Law is summed up in two commands: Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, your soul, and your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself).
(USA) WOW..All the comment are very helpful to me and LORD knows I need HELP!! Here is my story and I hope I can break away… First let me start with I have been married 25 years and am still married. I am a habitual cheater. I have had over 25 affairs with some one nite stands. Of course I know this is wrong but I don’t feel guilty at all. I think it’s because my husband verbally and mentally abused me for several years. I have had about 3 long terms affairs lasting anywhere from 6 months to 2 years.
Currently I am involved with a married man going on 3 years. To say I am addicted to this man is putting it lightly. I can’t think of anything else. Everything in my life has suffered because of my addition. Yes, I can say all the things like everyone else… incredible sex, emotional attention… low self esteem. I know deep in my heart he will never leave his wife and the chances of me ever trusting this man is “nil”. He also has admitted to having several affairs himself.
This is my addition… we have talked everyday for the past year for about a total of 5 hours each day… NO LYING… in addition we text each other in between phone calls and very late at night for hours. We have never said we loved each other and we both never have said we are leaving our spouse. I feel I am obsessed with this man. I only get about 5 hours of sleep each night waiting for him to text me. I can’t break away… I know I have to get healthy and find myself.
Of course my husband suspects and has done everything in his power to change and win my heart back. I loath my husband and can’t stand him. I may have a nervous breakdown if my lover breaks it off from me. I’ve seen a counselor and it did not help. I just sit back every day and wait for “him” to call me and text me… which he does all day long. I can’t think anymore and when I do sleep, I dream about him… Help me.
(CANADA) Hi, I am writing this because it’s the only support website I have found to support victims of an affair, being the girl friend, not the wife. My affair started over three years ago and we were caught after about 6 months. My marriage ended but his didn’t. We continued the affair up until this past Valentine’s Day. I could write a book on the drama and impact it has had on people involved.
I’m a nurse and he is a physician at a Long Term Care Facility. We have worked together for 20 yrs or more. He wanted me to go back to my husband and keep him on the side, a couple a times a year. I couldn’t do that to my husband and I couldn’t trust myself not continue the affair. So I chose to end my marriage after 22 yrs and I was on the side with him for the past 3 yrs.
He started treating me like he only wanted me for sex and would call only when he wanted me. I was like a puppy dog waiting to be thrown a bone. His wife found out approx 20 times and continues to keep him. I called her twice and he still kept coming back to me for sex. I am so ashamed of myself for the past three years. This man is wealthy and now I live in an apartment living paycheck to paycheck.
He has ended the affair by sending me a letter telling me he will avoid me as mush as possible. I am extremely angry and can’t seem to move on because of the anger. He works in the same building as I do but he also has his own family practice as well. His children are all grown and he doesn’t need the job where he has contact with me, but I do. I have 28 yrs seniority with pension security. He can give it up and it wouldn’t affect him.
He is 63 and I am 48. He drives around in his fancy sports car and struts his stuff like he is a king… I am so, so angry. Everyone tells me I’m the better person for not being revengeful but everyday it eats at me. I feel used and mentally, emotionally abused by this man. He had a good time at my expense. It cost me my marriage, my beautiful home, my daughters respect, and everything I worked so hard for and he lost nothing.
He is a man consumed with greed and selfishness which is stronger than love. I’m on pins and needles at my job not knowing when he may show up and I have to deal with him everyday indirectly and at times directly. I can hardly take it. He signed the letter he sent, "always with fondness and respect." The fond memories are those that cost me my marriage and he has no respect for me or he would quit this job and give me peace.
I still am very much in love with the man I thought he was, but I despise the man he is. I really feel I need some support from women who have been though this type of affair. Any advice for me to help ease the pain of dealing with him would be more than appreciated.