You’d think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance—a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most—his or her family.
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover—for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity—from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
The authors Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.
There is also an additional article written by Dr Harley, which is featured on the web site for the Family Dynamics Institute, that you might find helpful. You can read it by clicking onto the link provided below:
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(USA) Dear Sad- I know exactly how you feel! I also wanted to do the right thing, but had little motivation to do so other than that I knew it was the right thing. Then my husband would feel hurt because I wasn’t giving him my all. It was a terrible vicious cycle. The one thing to remember is that if you keep doing the right thing, it will become easier. It wouln’t hurt like this forever.
The hardest time for me is when my husband and I are fighting; that’s when I most want to go back to the other man. Stand firm and remember… Jesus loves you and longs to be your best friend.
Go get some counselling too. I can honestly say that saved our marriage. Go to http://www.caringfortheheart.com and call them for a counsellor in your area. This is an amazing kind of couselling that can help you both recover. Another thing I have learned is that divorce would never be as glamorous as Satan wants me to think. He wants me to think that if I were just free of the man I have that all would be well. When in reality, it would just be the beginning of bondage. It may be hard for awhile, but God wants us to learn to trust Him in that time. I hold you up in my prayers. Remember God is holding you.
(SA) Dear Dinah, Thank you so much for your reply. Since my last posting, things have really gone from bad to worse. We are at a stage where we both agree a divorce might just be better, because we are destroying each other. I’ve found out that my husband’s ex girlfriend, who is also now married, got in contact with him again after so many years and they been been chatting, phoning and sms’ing each other. Due to me having been there before, I know all the tricks and signs when you try and hide contact like that. i caught onto their contact and confronted him, after which he said it is purely just friendship and she is just concerned about him.
Well, I told him my view about just being “friends” and how something that starts out as innocent, turns into something much worse. He probably realised that what I was saying is true, cause he promised me he broke all contact with her now and that I can help him delete the his facebook profile as well tonight as this is a big stumbling block for me if I know he is on there having contact with her or any one else for that matter.
It took a lot of hard work from me to stay away from the OM I was involved in and even through all of this to not also phone him up again and pour out my broken heart. And I told my husband this, I said to him with all this is, he is making me fall into further temptation in what I already am in. We were also both very honest with each other, that we are really just back together because of trying to do the right thing, and we were hoping God can restore our relationship, but so far it is not working, as both of us are withdrawing from each other.
We said we are going to go for proper counseling (we live in RSA, so that website couldn’t help me, thanks in anyway) and then take it from there. Not one of us is really giving us our best, but we or I set out some conditions that if we can obey or are able to do the other’s instruction or request that would help us overcome this, we are to do so. Things that we feel we can’t do out of our own, are things that would helpfully get fixed by the counseling.
So I told him, one thing he is able to do, is to stop this contact with this girl before it goes too far. Anyway, so we will see how things go with the counseling. We both realise our hearts are not into this, and that it would only be by God’s will and power that it might work again. Cause we are just doing it to please one another and other, and to do the right thing.
I, for one have realised that it is not good to pour out my heart to the opposite sex. I have therefore taken one of my closest girlfriends into trust and told her everything and she is my pillar on which I lean on at the moment. She is a Godly woman and I appreciate her sincere but also honest replies and guidance in what I am going through. SO yes, things are really not going well, so please continue to pray for me and my husband. He is very fragile to Satan’s attacks now, and I told him, whether we might land up getting up divorced, I don’t want it to be based on him also not being faithful in our relationship. If he is trying to get me back for what I have done, we might as well just call it quits, cause we are going to hurt each other more than what we think. Hopefully the counseling can help us to make right and wisely choices cause at the moment, we both just want out. Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement.
(SOUTH AFRICA) The last time I posted here was in April. I became better after my post and I was also assisted by being at the Easter’s Church convention for the whole week. When I came back I was full of fire and the strategy of no contact was working wonders and I felt that I was done with the other partner. To my surprise, it started all over again and I do not know how and what happened. In fact it became worse than before because this time around we ended up doing everything.
I need prayer and I do not know how to express my need for your prayer. It has become worse now because at times after praying and crying to God, I will feel in my heart that it is over. I will stop contact with him but I tell you, it just happens that when he calls it is like I have been waiting for him, because I will do as he asks, or sometimes I will personally call him and even make plans to see him.
What breaks my heart more is that after I have done it all I am only happy for those few hours while still with him and from there I do not have peace with myself. I will start crying again, regretting what I have just done. I have asked forgiveness many times to God for committing the same sin but I still go back and do the same thing, I am afraid now to go to God as I do not know what to say and He said in His Word that our iniquities have separated us from Him. I do not know what to do anymore. My joy of salvation is gone; I feel empty, my relationship with God is no more, I cannot pray. I sometimes ask myself a question why I am I doing this because I do not have reasons for doing this, there is nothing special about this man. Please help.
(USA) I have spent the last week reading everyone’s comments. I am in the midst of overcoming my own adultery. All of your stories have touched me and helped me. It is truly difficult.
(USA) Thank goodness I came upon this website, I am slowly seeing my situation for what it really is and I now know it has to end. I have been having an affair for the past 4 months with a married man. I am also married. This affair is coming to an end slowly. The contact over the past few weeks has slowed down considerably and he is acting more distant. I know in my heart it is ending. Yesterday was extremely bad for me, I almost had a meltdown because he had not contacted me, but then at the end of the day he responded to me and my mood changed to that of happiness.
I later realized the turmoil and pain I am suffering from this continuing affair. It has been unbearable at times. Always second guessing his professions of love, wondering what he is doing, wondering if he thinks about me as much as I do about him. I have changed and it is affecting me both physically and mentally. I have wanted to stop, but then am terrified of it ending at the same time. I know it has to end for things to get better.
It seems silly, but I need closure. I need for one of us to tell the other that it is over and then for all contact to end. I fear that he will try to talk me out of it and I also fear that he won’t try to, then I will have to face the reality that all he said to me was lies and he never really cared for me. It is scary and overwhelming for me. I know in time all of this will pass, but getting out of it and through all of this raw emotion is difficult. I feel so weak minded.
(USA) LA… wow! I could have written exactly what you did! I have been involved with a married man for over a year and a half. I am also married. We met over the internet. He continues to have his profile on the web site we met on. I didn’t realize that until months later and after he opened the door to saying he loved me. I jumped right in when he did and seems like ever since he said it he has tried to take it back. He would write me the most sincere, heart felt, emails.
I have trouble like you wondering if all he said was lies and he never really cared. I have already gone through what you are going through right now. We have gone back and forth the entire time we’ve been together. He gets convicted, worried about being caught and terrified that he fell in love with me. Says he can never leave his wife and I understand that. He knows he can’t have me and seems to have resolved it in his mind that it has to end. It has to end because it is destroying me.
He met with me back in June and said he was having anxiety about how it would end and that he wanted a happy ending. We agreed to stop seeing each other and even prayed together! The next day he wanted to be with me one more and we met for one last time. Since that time we go for weeks with no physical, barely talk because I get so mad at him and discuss, discuss, discuss. He won’t let me go and won’t see me because he can’t handle it (his feelings). But he keeps that profile on the web site and is active on there daily. He says he enjoys the friendships and doesn’t see himself changing. I think he has an addiction and it was there all along.
I can’t understand why he can’t let go of the contact with me as much as I have pitched fits over the profile and been very direct with my feelings regarding it. He will say I am doing the right thing and it is for the best for us to move on, blah, blah, blah! Yet when I say goodbye and tell him to let me go and that I think it’s best he not contact me, he still txts and ask how I am. Says he likes me and misses talking to me. I must mean something to him. I don’t know if I will ever be able to get over him. I love him but hate his behavior. I feel so weak too.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I know some of you ladies have conquered, please pray for us who are still struggling, Angela, you are one of those, please keep on posting to advise us how you did it.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi BT, I saw all your posts and thought I will just write to encourage you. You will note from my previous posts (where I am just “Sad”) that I also went through so much with my affair. This past Sunday it has been 2 months since no contact with the other guy. And I can tell you, that yes, it hasn’t been easy, but is possible. I know how hard it is to stop the affair, to stop running back to him, to try and break it time after time.
You ask how “we” do it? Well, I can tell you it is most definitely not “us”. It is all by the grace and power of God. If it was up to me, I would not be back at my husband now, I would not experience the great restoration God has brought into our relationship and marriage. If it was up to me… I would have proceeded with the divorce and pursued my relationship with the other guy. BUT – being a Christian, and having the Holy Spirit in me, I KNEW what I was doing was wrong. And as much as I wanted to do it, I just couldn’t. The guilt was eating me alive. And I knew the guilt would have broken everything beautiful that I thought I had with this other guy.
If I have to think back now on how I got through it – well, by the truth. The Word says the truth will set you free, and it is so true. The times when I tried stopping the affair, when the affair was still in the hidden, I just couldn’t do it. I just didn’t have the power to do out of my own – Satan had such a stronghold on me. But when my husband found out about the affair – the second time – and he got to know all the details, it was as if that stronghold was broken immediately. Fortunately, I have the most wonderful, Godly husband, who decided to forgive me and take me back. We both realized that what I did, was because of mistakes from both our sides. I don’t blame my husband for the sin I committed, cause it was out of my own choice But I had a longing for attention, which I didn’t get from my husband at that time. And unfortunately I found it with another man.
Also, I have realized that communication is just as important. Once my hubby and I started talking to each other and our needs, things started turning around for the better. Also, you will note from my posts that the first month back, was not all sunshine and roses. Still, there where times where I thought it will not work… I thought to try and do the “right thing” might not always be as easy. Until one day… where I asked God to give me “hunger” to work on my marriage. I knew if I just did it because of the “right thing”, it won’t work. I had to WANT my marriage to be restored. If this makes any sense at all?!? I asked God to restore my feelings as well for my husband.
And after two months back now… I can tell you that God has really performed a miracle once I let Him. It is like our old days, where both of us are so happy and enjoying each other, and fulfilling each other’s need. But, again, I had to WANT this and I had to ALLOW God to work. I had to push aside myself. I had to crucify myself, just like Christ did for us. Cause like I said on another topic on this website – I am sure Jesus didn’t “feel” like dying for us, but He still chose to do it. I didn’t feel like loving my husband again, but I asked God to help me. And yes, with all honesty I can now say, I do love my husband. I am happy to be back. I am happy that God has restored our relationship. I still get days where I think of the other guy, but I try and push aside with other thoughts – thoughts on God or my dear husband. Yes, it is not easy, cause I am still human. BUT I am allowing God to heal me.
Also, I want to share something with you that my old pastor always told us. In a new relationship between a girl and boy they are very much in love – so much, that when they drive together (and for the sake of this story, the guy is driving a “bakkie” where there the seat is once piece). So in the beginning the girl is always sitting right next to her boyfriend – always wanting to be close to him. As time go by, and as the “in love” feelings slowly gets less, she tends to move up further and further until she sits right on the other side next to her window with the big space between them. And the same counts for our relationship with God, in the beginning we are so close to Him, but as time go by and as we sin we move further and further away from Him. But if you look closely – the boyfriend never moved away, he stayed in the same position. It’s the same with God. God never moved away or pushed you aside. He is still, always in the same position waiting for you to come back – no matter how big or what kinda sin you did. He is still waiting for you – He will always forgive you if you ask for it. You say your sin separate you from God – but also remember that the Word also says, that NOTHING can separate us from the love of God! Yes, you moved away on that seat – but He is still in the same position, waiting for you to draw near again.
You know what you need to do – but you can only do it by God’s grace and His power. I also suggest that you get a good “girl-friend” to whom you can pour out your heart when things get tough. Someone who will be honest with you and give the right Godly advise.
I will also pray for you, for your husband and even for this other guy. I will pray that God will speak to all of you, that He will strengthen all of you. Draw closer to God and He will draw nearer to you… He is waiting for you, He is waiting to help you! Stay strong. God bless.
(USA) Hi Sad. I am so happy for you. I have followed and commented on your posts a couple of months ago. Wow, God is good. His spirit is at work through all who accept him. Its good to endure and trust God in our troubles and now we can give testimonies to others about the miracles in our lives James1:2-4
You are right, you become a new person in life once you start viewing life in general from God’s perspective. Lets keep lifting each other up. The days are not always good but its a comfort to hear from those who have been saved 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. Hope, love and faith in Jesus should remain all the time.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Lo. I do agree with you, God is good and so faithful! The whole day today I was just once again thinking about the great restoration God has done in my marriage – it really is unbelievable if I look back at where we were a month ago – but hey, with God all things are possible hey? One should never doubt in His power and ability. I also watched my wedding DVD again this morning, and throughout it, I was smiling ear to ear. I rather do not want to think on how close I was to giving it all up and breaking my vows. Instead I rejoice and thank God for His mercy and love.
And yes, my life and my marriage turned around for the better once I started looking at it from God’s perspective. I learned that I should love my husband with a Godly love, just the way God loves me – unconditional and unselfish. It is so ironic, that once I put aside my own needs and longings and instead focused on my husband’s – those exact needs and longings of mine were fulfilled and met.
We really serve a great and merciful God and it so good to share what He has done for me. Like you said, the days are not always good and I can very honest – there were days that I posted on here to encourage other, where my own day was miserable and I had to fight the battle once again – but I do believe that by confessing and declaring the Word of God, and His great love and power, is part of the stepping block to overcome this battle.
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement!
(USA) Sad-Happy. Hi, please lift me up in prayer. This weeknd was hard as my beloved stated he was moving his things, and did not want to be around because it was too painful. When I returned some of his things were still here and I was confused about it. I just prayed. He called me at work yesterday and started asking a lot of questions.
I was guarded and tried to answer the best I could. Wanted to know what would I do if faced w/divorce papers. Said I would not fight him. Asked me about my feelings. I asked him if he was sure in his decision and he said no, that he was having doubts. Said he’s thinking about coming home before he gets too involved where he’s at.
I began to pray harder. He calls back later and says he’ll look to be coming home in 2 days. He sounded like my husband. He went to his therapist and called me after and said he’s sorry for what he said; his therapist said he needed to stick to his decision to leave and stop calling me because it gives me false hope. He said he was sorry and should not have said those things to me.
Today when I got in from work he left a message saying he is not coming back and is filing the papers. He said he’s leaving the message so I can begin the closure. I called him and he sounded cold, detached and totally a different person less than 24 hrs ago. He said he’d only be coming home for the wrong reasons. He wants to be happy and not going to let the fear of worrying that he’ll be cursed for doing this and will ask for forgiveness and move on with his life.
He doesn’t have the same convictions as me and knows what he wants. Said he has not consulted God at all. He’s doing what he wants to do to be happy. Just does not have the feelings he needs to stay in this marriage so he is ending it. God help me!!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Lynne, I am lifting you up in my prayers at this very moment. I am asking God just to hold you close to His heart and comfort you during this time.
All the things your husband said to you sounds so familiar! I have been there, and I know that is going through his mind now. I can tell you that the Holy Spirit is really convicting him, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. I didn’t admit myself back then! All I cared about was “to be happy” again. And back then I thought my happiness is most definitely not with my husband but with this other guy. Oh Lynne, I wish I can explain to you how attractive Satan’s lies are when you are in a situation like your husband. Although you KNOW what you are doing is wrong – you make yourself believe that it is for the best, that you can’t go on living “a lie” in a “loveless marriage in which you are unhappy” cause for the “first time you are experiencing real happiness”.
The fact that he is having doubts makes my heart rejoices, cause he is staring to see the truth. I can tell you, if he admitted this to you, that is a small baby step towards the restoration of your marriage. So keep on praying, I know it is hard, especially after he took one step to the front, and then after the session with his therapist took 10 steps back again. It is really such a vicious circle! The devil really hates marriages and even more so – Christian marriages, and he will try every possible thing now to let your husband overcome this battle. My advise would be, keep on praying and also pray and proclaim a “hedge” around your husband and your marriage. Keep praying that the Holy Spirit would continue to speak to his heart and soul. This is also my prayer – cause I can tell you – at this stage there is NOTHING you or I can do but pray for him. We have to leave it in God’s hands.
One thing that made me do the right thing back then, was when I saw my husband started fighting for me. Cause during that terrible time, I really felt like he doesn’t really love me and he kinda just let me go to easily. But God intervened for both us.
I think maybe my affair and the one your husband is having is a little bit different. For me it was all an emotional affair. Just like us woman are – I was drawn in by the attention this guy gave me. Anyway, no matter “how different” the affair might be, to overcome it is just as hard.
I really do believe that your husband is going through a very tough moment at this moment – although he knows what to do – which is the right thing – there are still things that would not “allow” him to do it. The stronghold of the devil is really strong during this time, but we know that God’s power is much stronger than the devil’s. So don’t give up – keep on fighting – keep on praying!!! I can tell you – your husband is experiencing convictions – but because of the sin that he still is in, to step out makes it very hard.
I will continue to pray for you and him! Even as I am writing this, I am praying and placing both of you at God’s feet! Let Him be your comfort during this. God will honor your obedience during this difficult time! All the best… and keep me updated. With love…
(USA) Hello Sad Happy: You said to keep you updated. Praise the Lord!!! My beloved came home Suddenly!!! The amazing power and awesome grace of God has manifested itself once again in my life. It’s been 3 wks now. I could feel in my prayers that God was doing something amazing on the other side of what seemed like an insurmmountable, impossbile mountain. Despite my pain and uncertainty, I just could not give up. Luke 1:37 says it cleary…”For nothing is impossible with God.”
Thank you so much for your words of encounragement and prayers. To all those seeking trust God. Do not give up. God does restore dead marriages I am a witness. Praise the Lord and God Bless!!
(SA) Hi Lynne! Thanks you so much for telling me the good news And good news it is indeed. All praise to God. It just shows you, God is really in control, and if we allow Him and trust in Him no matter what, He will come through to us.
A little bit of a testimony from my side… God has blessed me so much. In one week (which was 2 weeks ago), He gave me a new job with a very good salary, and someone just GAVE me a car. We know that things like these, are all blessings from God, when we walk in His path and do His will. I do trust that God also gave me this job, to keep my mind busy from pondering on the past and the OM. It has been three months now, of absolute no contact whatsoever. And my marriage is just growing stronger and stronger.
My prayers are that things would be the same for you and your husband. Yes, things are not going to be easy the fist couple of weeks back together, and still there will be many doubts from his side. I have been there… I know. Satan is now going to attack him more than ever, because now he has given a full step in God’s direction. Keep praying for him, and declare a hedge around him, around his heart, and especially around his MIND! Cause this will be his worst enemy now… the mind.
Once again I feel so humbled that there are people like you and my husband, who are willing to forgive the unfaithful spouse and to keep on loving your partner. You remind me very much of my dear husband, and I must say, your husband would soon realise how special you are by being such a good example… in always seeking God’s will, even you were at the worst end of the stick. I will continue to keep you both in my prayers, and especially your husband, cause I know, the first month back together, will be very very hard from his side. Not just will doubt sometimes overshadow him, but so will guilt… and “what if’s”… and he will probably also think a lot that you would be better of without him. But these are all thoughts from the Satan, and I pray that he would guard against them, and not give into them.
I am rejoicing with you that he has come home. And my prayers and thoughts are with you. This will probably also not be an easy time for you, but the fact that you are God-fearing woman, that you are striving to live in God’s will… is something that I know God honors and will bless you with.
Nothing is impossible with God… what a powerful statement, and so many marriages, including mine, testifies of that great and define power. Stay strong, stay focused in God’s Word. and please keep me updated. With love… and God bless. Sad–>Happy
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Sad – Happy, Thank you very much for your encouraging words. You do not know or have an idea what your post has done to me. In fact, I felt my burden was very light last week because of your prayers, even though on on 22nd of October I struggled a lot. I just wanted to call him. I called my close girl friends whom I confide in, but none of them was around. I picked the phone and called. Fortunately he was not around. Please continue to pray for us.