You’d think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance—a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most—his or her family.
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover—for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity—from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
The authors Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.
There is also an additional article written by Dr Harley, which is featured on the web site for the Family Dynamics Institute, that you might find helpful. You can read it by clicking onto the link provided below:
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(SOUTH AFRICA) Hallo everyone, I need prayers. Today I am struggling. I just cannot stop thinking about the other man. I think what make matters worse with me is that I cannot avoid talking to him completely as we have to communicate sometimes on work related issues and that where the problem starts. After I speak to him something happens to me. Today it is worse and I think he knows which button to press. Help me.
(USA) First of all, what is wrong with all of you people??? WOW!
(USA) I need a lot of help and advice. I have been reading all of the comments posted for about a month now. It has been very helpful knowing I am not alone. I have put myself in a horrible position. I have been married to the best person you will ever meet for a little over a year. I started seeing the other man about six months before our wedding. I had been dating my husband for eight years before we decided to get married.
The man I started seeing was also about to get married to one of my closest friends. I met him before I met my husband or my friend. He was my boss a long time ago. There was always a lot of chemistry between us and one night we were at a party together and kissed. We both agreed that it was wrong and should never happen again. But it didn’t end and the relationship continued and still continues. We have had a physical relationship as well as emotional.
I have to end it but can’t find the strength to do so. I feel so small an ashamed. I have confided in another friend who has advised me to pray to God for help but I feel that I don’t have the right to ask him for help. I’m not happy with what I have done to my husband or my friend. I have read that no contact is the only way to end things but I can’t imagine never seeing him again and not sure it will work unless I also end my friendship with a wonderful friend. Sorry for rambling. Please help.
(USA) Isa, I completely understand what you are going through. I have read the postings from these women too and know I am not alone. My situation is a little different than yours but has the same stronghold as yours.
First of all, God loves us no matter what we do or will do, that never changes. You can pray to him anytime or about anything. He wants to hear from you and wants you to tell him what’s on your heart. He already knows anyway. Also girl, there is no easy way out, never. I have struggled and tried to end things and so has my other man. We are both Christians and have tried to make it ok, but God continues to pull at our hearts and won’t let us enjoy the love and closeness we have developed, and he never will.
It is an emotional roller coaster that at times I want off so bad and at other times I just want him! You will hear many things about what to do, but there is only one way. Sooner or later we have to face the pain. We can put it off and continue as is, but the day will come when we face the pain. Once we do that and go through it we reach the other side where the freedom and our inner selves are waiting. You will have to end both friendships. Don’t know how you will do that but only you know what kind of reason you can come up with that removes both of them from your life. Maybe move.
I have the same feelings as you about never seeing my love again. I want to be able to keep him as a friend and stop the physical, and I almost think I could do that, but men have that drive for the physical and he wouldn’t be able to live up to that and then I get hurt more.
I began to pray months ago for God to change our hearts so we can live the life he has planned for us, and I believe he is answering my prayers because the guilt has increased for us both. It is so difficult to break free Isa, but I know that with God all things are possible and we just can’t see what our lives are going to be like on the other side of this mess we’ve made. That’s where the trust comes in. We are to trust God with our lives. I am not free yet, but I believe in my Lord and he will deliver me from this and someday I will wonder what took me so long. I want a happy ending. Taylor
(USA) Hi, I am having this really sad emotional state right now and I am trying very hard to grapple with this situation. I am married since 6 years and was very happy with my marriage… until three years ago… I was really heads over heels with this very nice/sweet/sexy/caring girl… from my work since last three years. She was about four years younger in age than me. When she joined, within a month, I had to tell her that even though I am married, I was soooo much interested in dating her. I don’t know why I told her that, but just came out over a cup of coffee. She told me (very sweetly) then that she did have a boyfriend and that she was really doing great in her relationshop with him and there was not the tiniest possibility that anything could ever happen between us… and actually so was I doing great in my own marriage, and hence never tried to pursue what I said.
But it so happened that within 2-3 months, she came back to me stating that she also had kind of started to have feeling for me and I was REALLY shocked to hear that. Never in my dreams would I have imagined that in her rock-solid relationship with her handsome boyfriend there was any place for a married person like me. So we started talking and spending time with each other during work hours and beyond and the thing between us grew much deeper or at least it seemed to.
Once I had to go back to my parents place for a week and I literally wept in front of her like a child, feeling that it would be toooo long to stay away without her. I could never figure out it was love or lust… till now, I have not figured THAT ONE OUT. We also started discussing typical problems within any given relationship and there were some issues between her and her boyfriend which, during the course of many interactions, I did understand slowly.
By this time, I was also getting physically attacted to her and she kind of knew it. She was aware about all the staring I did and she would frequently joke about what my eyes were checking out. But she always made sure that the physical contact was absolutely reduced to zero. There was this occasional holding of hands and caressing with fingers, but neither of us had the courage to go beyond this. And then, both of us knew in some way it had to happen. After a late night conference meeting, we got comfortable in my car and one thing led to another and it was a full blown make-out. Of course, we did not cross the ‘line’ and we have not crossed it yet… but the touch, smell, the anticipation, the newness… the release of pressure that had mounted up over months finally blew the lid off. It was the element of risk that added to the whole thing.
So this went on for a couple of months and we had our ups and downs. It was getting out of hand so much that we decided to stay away and managed to for about 3-4 months. It kind of worked but we eventually figured out that it is just too painful to be that way. Now just last month she gave me a new surprise. She is getting married to her same boyfriend… and she wants me go back to my wife. I mean I was fine with this idea since it made logical sense for her to get married and she always wanted to get married to him. But for some or the other career related reason, he was not ready for that. I think this time he must have also thought that finally he should settle his relationship with her when I presume she kind of dropped some hints to him about her and me.
So everything kind of got finalized between them in a jiffy … maybe her boyfriend overreacted to the wake up call. I got to know about their upcoming marriage just few days back and before I could comprehend the situation properly, she put in papers, gave only a weeks resignation notice and fled out of the office. She did make out with me one day before this happened. We kissed and kissed and kissed, and our hands explored every part of each others body… and the next day she gave me the big ‘news’.
I was really traumatised … I mean I myself, in past, had tried to convince her that she should insist with her boyfreind to get married if she stronly felt so… but now that she decided to do it and everything worked out for her, I have this really huge hollow feeling … Now she is ACTUALLY married about a week back, must have gone for her honeymoon (really don’t know where she is) and hasn’t called back.
I am also trying in all my nicety not disturb her/contact her and let her live her life exactly the way she had originally dreamed off. But after having all said and done that and I am going through acute pain which I can’t share with anyone and I dont know what to do. My professional graph has gone down quite bit and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I read through the article ‘completely cutting off’ thing and maybe this is what this is. Can someone can help me with some advice?
(USA) Hi John, I don’t really have any advice for you. I am sorry. You do have my sympathy for I am going through the same thing. I have also read the article “completely cutting off” and I can’t imagine never seeing him again. It’s kind of like mourning someones death I suppose My affair has been going on for almost two years and I do want it to end because it seems so pointless. We are both married and will never leave our spouses. I feel like I love him but is that possible when I am married? My own husband is almost perfect and the other man makes my life complete I just wish I would have found all of these qualities in one man.
In a way you are lucky that your contact has ended. I’m sure it is very painful but it will get better and then you can start to be happy again I envy you. I wish he would stop calling me because I am not strong enough to be the one that ends it. Good luck with everything.
(US) John, I was in exactly the same position myself this time last year when my significantly younger ex affair partner told me two days before Valentine’s Day that he was giving his baby’s mama an engagement ring that weekend. We were together for almost two years (since right before the baby was born) and I had always encouraged him to be with her for the baby’s sake, but when it became a reality, it was very painful.
At the same time, I was tired of dealing with all the repressed guilt and was ready to fully recommit to my marriage of 20+ years, so I took the advice given here to go completely “no contact”. Sure enough, he tried to contact me several times after I said my final goodbye, until I finally asked a male friend to have a “father-son” talk with him, which worked well for a while. Eventually, he did contact me again and still wants to see me “just as friends”, but I no longer desire to see him at all since I have recovered from the emotional “fog” of the affair. It’s now been almost a year since the last time I saw him and I am happier in the security of my marriage than I ever was in the transient “excitement” of the affair, which was having a negative impact on my work and every other aspect of my life.
Right now you need to step back from the emotional fantasy (no contact) and give some serious thought to whether or not you want to continue in your marriage. If you need help getting out of the emotional fog, you should check out the forums at survivinginfidelity.com where both betrayed spouses and reformed wayward spouses post their stories. Seeing both sides of infidelity and the harsh consequences that it can bring really helped me to let go of the fantasy of the affair and embrace reality. Best of luck to you. Veronica
(USA) Hi John, I so know what you are going through. I wrote in 2 days ago with my story if you would like to see it it’s at the bottom of this page. I also am trying to get over my friend; it’s so hard, actually harder than I ever thought possible. But I also know holding on to something thats not really there doesn’t help. Just know one thing – that the past is not erasable it’s whats makes us who we are to today, but also keeping the memories alive. I will never forget him, he will always be in my heart, you just don’t forget overnight. Let me know how you are doing.
(USA) I hope everyone who has written on this site has broken the bondage of their struggle with adultery, has found peace, and is moving on with their lives. You are all on my mind today. Let God fulfill his purpose in your life and bless each one of you.
This is from the book “Strength For The Climb”, Strain forward with all your strength. Do not look back; all that is behind you is over. Everything you need lies ahead. What others are doing is not important right now. What could have happened a few miles back is now irrelevant. All that matters is completing what you have to do, using the tools you have, and applying what you know… right now. Stay strong! Stay focused! Merry Christmas to you all.
(USA) I have been reading all these posts for almost a year. I was in an affair I did not have the power to end until 3 weeks ago. My husband was willing to do anything to save our marriage. He even traveled to a third world country with me for 6 weeks so I could break contact but even that did not work. My affair partner was a not half the man my husband is but we all convince ourselves differently and settle for half-truths.
I am still in a lot of pain and want to contact him but luckily I have not. The problem is I married a man I didn’t love, although he is a wonderful person and is worthy of the love I have never been able to give him. I have been in counseling for 2 years but it hasn’t helped me open myself up to accepting love from him. It just isn’t there. I know if we divorce I would choose someone else just like him because he is a wonderful person and has all the qualities I could possibly look for. He is my best friend but at the end of the day I have no romantic feelings for him. I really appreciate all of you who contribute to this site. It has helped me more than you know! I will keep trying but I am losing hope.
(UK) Hi Josie, The reason you don’t feel for your husband is that you shared your soul with another. If you give part of your heart away how can you feel for your husband? It’s not his fault, you focussed on someone else. You are probably not a bad person and some needs were not being filled by your husband but you made a wrong choice.
If you want to stay with your husband and you say he is your best friend, please read this book … Marriage Fitness by Mort Ferel. It may seem extreme but you will understand that what has happened is why you feel today the way you do. That can change if you interact with the nice man that you had the good fortune to marry. Make your connections again and find in him your soul mate. Don’t give your soul away. There is hope.
(USA) Thank you for sharing that. I want to connect with my husband so badly and I know I have made bad decisions and no longer know what to do. We can all make a thousand excuses but in the end that doesn’t help anyone. I will read the book you recommended. I appreciate you input.
(USA) I need help!! I am so sad and I know I deserve all of these bad feelings because of the horrible things I have done but I still need help. I have been involved with someone else for almost two years. I am trying so hard not to text him. He has not text me for nine days, which is a long time. We usually talk every couple of days. I have not seen him in three months. I know it is the right thing to do but it hurts so bad. We did not have a discussion to end things but I feel like it’s over and it should be. I am usually the one who stops calling but this time he has stopped and I wonder why. Is he trying to do the right thing or has he moved on to someone else? Did he get bored with me? I’m just sad.
(USA) Hello My dear brothers & sisters on this page. Most of you sound so defeated by sin and are willing to say how much they miss the other person they are commiting adultery with. This is wrong. Do you realise the consequences of giving in to worldly pleasures? Do you seriously believe that one day you will be answerable for your actions? If you did, would you still be entertaining thoughts of sin and the pleasure of writing them down? One word to you all is fear God and the punishment you will face for continuing to nurture these bad relationships.
Better for me to be honest with you and get your life saved than to flatter you and strengthen your belief that “its so hard”. Worse still, you go about looking for people in the same sinful circumstances who convince you even more that “its so hard”. Save your eternal lives my brothers and sisters. Be scared because of the sins you are commiting. You won’t get away with it.
This is the help you need:
1. Quit watching those TV programs that glorify adultery. They captivate your mind and make you wanna go back.
2. Get rid of the things that remind you of the other person. Matthew 18:7-9
3. Pray for forgiveness and show by your actions that you regret your sins.
4. Read the prophecies for they remind you that judgement day is guaranteed.
Verses to read:
Romans 1:18-32
Romans 2:5-9
1 Corinthians 6:18-20
Galatians 6:7-9
(USA) As one who went through an affair, I hope I can help with my story. I had an affiar with a high school sweetheart – my first love. Back then when we broke up, it traumatized me for a long time. 28 years later, I reconnected with her and everything came back.
I am married for 18 years with 2 wonderful daughters. My wife found out about the affair, but I was pretty far gone. However, I knew this was wrong and we decided to break it off.
At first, it was like my world was ending. I was devastated and heartbroken. I didn’t know how I was going to make it. But we kept NO contact. It was helpful that she also didn’t try to contact me. Afterward, I was fully convicted of what I had done. I am COMPLETELY over her. It was a fantasy. It took a little while. I read that it takes about as long as the affair lasted to get over it.
Also, love for my wife and back fully and more than I ever knew. God got my attention. If I had continued in this, I was going to hell – to continue in a adulterous relationship without repentance is a sure ticket there, no matter how good you think your intentions are with this other person. It’s selfish behavior and attitude.
Here’s another warning – today I went to court as my divorce is nearly finalized. My wife separated from me a year ago and not only am I missing her every day, I now see my kids on a very limited basis. How I regret each and every day what my actions have caused! Each and every day.
I am alone, lonely, devastated and my future is uncertain. I am very much in love with my wife and I miss my kids dearly. The price I’ve paid is unbearable. I am heavy with regret. The only solace I have is the limited time I have with my daughters. I have also turned to God in a more real way but this is going to take alot of time for me to heal from this one. I pray for hope just to keep going each day.
My point is, count the costs. It’s hard to see the costs when you’re caught up in this kind of thing. At some point the high ends and you’re left with reality. Don’t forget the eternal consequences either. It’s hard to fathom those right now either.
(UK) As the injured party in an affair my wife is having with a dispicable but controlling guy who obviously told my wife he loved her, but really only loves himself, I say that people in your position are the most selfish in the world. The pain you feel is tiny in comparison to the devastation you place at the doors of your partners, family and children. You have the gall to talk about addiction and being ‘in love’ with these people who have as much integrity as a dog. Where are your morals? Where is your concern for the people you love? All these statements I read above are me, me me.
How can you trust these partners when you are all betraying those that you love and making them suffer more, even after this game is discovered? And yes, it is a game. A game with other peoples lives. You are despicable people, Whores and slappers and dogs. You can change your ways, but the damage you have done to yourselves is the only thing you seem to think about. Selfish, selfish people.
If you don’t stop, think about your loved ones and ask for forgiveness, spend the rest of your lives trying to put right the damage you have done, you should all rot in hell, because you will. Hell is the guilt of your own making which you will take with you to your death bed.
The answer is in your hands. Don’t expoect your injured partners to move one inch in your direction; they did not chose to be where they are, you did. If you are good people, and we all make mistakes, make amends.