You’d think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance—a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most—his or her family.
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover—for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity—from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
The authors Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.
There is also an additional article written by Dr Harley, which is featured on the web site for the Family Dynamics Institute, that you might find helpful. You can read it by clicking onto the link provided below:
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(USA) I have been happily married to my husband for 37 years. He has been the only man that I have ever loved and been with, other than a neighbor that lives around the block from me and that I would see all time walking his dog, but no attraction at all. Until we started to ride our bikes together as friends, we started an emotional affair. We became best friends and started to confide in each other. What started so innocently turned into us wanting to spend every moment with each other.
We knew as Christians that we were heading into trouble but did nothing to stop it. We would also e-mail each everyday all the time, but I had to go to N.Y. to visit my daughters and they somehow knew, and they put into action to set me up, by going into my history. A day before my husband and I left to go home they showed my husband the e-mails, which were pretty intense putting it mildly. And my and his world came crashing down. His wife also find out because my daughter called her and spilled the beans.
Having to end this affair has been the hardest we have both had to do. Our spouses have forgiven us, but it’s so hard knowing he lives so close. I do still e-mail him as friends basically just once a week and tell him about my week, and he also responds back the same. I know he feels guilty doing this, because he said it’s still cheating even if the e-mails are clean.
I just want to know, how do I get him out of my head? We are both grateful that our spouses have taken us back and we both love them. I just really didn’t know that this was going to be so hard on both of us. I do want to move forward, but I always want to know how he is doing. I really miss the friendship more than anything else. I know that he will always be in my heart.
Has anyone out there has had an emotional affair and how did they end it? Do you both still keep in touch on a freindly basis? He will always be my best friend. I just miss him so much. Thanks for listening.
(USA) Miriam, I have been married for 15+ years, and had an affair for 18 months. The affair was revealed this past summer. I was then separated from my wife and family for 6 months. Wife even filed for divorce, and we started proceedings. I had broken things off with the woman I had been seeing, though I love her deeply and think about her often (she is married and has children and is still living with her husband who knows of the affair).
Now my wife and I are trying to put our marriage back together. I know this is the right thing to do. I do love my wife, though I too am having an incredibly hard time just thinking of the other woman I love. I miss her. Hope this goes away with time. Feels a bit like self-inflicted torture right now.
I am interested to see what response you get here. I could use some advice too. I wonder all the time what my lover is doing. Though I have not been in touch at all for quite awhile. Doing the right thing is often difficult.
(USA) Hi Hd Smile, I so know how you are feeling; my heart is broken. I know we did the right thing, but I also wonder if anything ever happens to our spouses, God forbid. I would search for him in a heart beat. I have never felt like this before, but I do love my husband; he is a very good man. I know I have hurt him, but he has forgiven me. I do still e-mail my friend once a week but don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.
He is feeling guilty because he said it’s still cheating. But he told me he will always keep the account open in case anything happens. It’s so hard I do try not to think of him but there is always something there to remind me of him. You need to download this song by Barry Manilow called, “Even Now” (you won’t believe the lyrics). When you do listen, please reply back. In the mean time know that someone else is feeling what you are. Here is a quote, “Just for today, I will live through this only, I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems all at once.”
(USA) Boy, the self-delusion here is really something else.
1. Yes, the guy loves the mistress. He also loves the wife. He’s also weak and a coward, and when the wife threatens to dump him, he’s terrified and will say and do anything to make it stop. He also thinks the mistress is a jolly enough friend that he can tell her anything, including whatever lies he’s telling both himself and his wife in order to stop her from dumping him into the miserable life of the bachelor pad and every-other-weekend and large chunks of change gone missing from the paycheck.
2. Oh, addiction, please. It’s a romance. If you want to pathologize every great love as an addiction, you go right ahead, but I’ll stick with romance.
3. Often the other woman has no desire to see the cheating guy leave the marriage — because then he might come to her! And that’d ruin everything. She’d have to take care of him, she’d have to have everyday life with him, and frankly she’d get the blame when he was full of remorse because moving in with her turned out not to be paradise, seeing as how they’re both real people and all.
4. It’s unlikely the other woman wishes you ill. Your husband, not she, is damaging your marriage.
5. Finally, before you go barking about solidarity and sisterhood — when’s the last time you routinely offered to help a single mother or a woman taking care of a disabled spouse? I mean help in a serious, meaningful way? You mopped her floor lately? Cooked a dinner over there? Taken the kids so she can get a desperately-needed nap or massage? I’m guessing you want solidarity when someone else denies herself for you — not the other way around.