You’d think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance—a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most—his or her family.
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover—for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity—from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
The authors Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.
There is also an additional article written by Dr Harley, which is featured on the web site for the Family Dynamics Institute, that you might find helpful. You can read it by clicking onto the link provided below:
EMAIL | SHARE | PRINT
Print This Page (printer-friendly)
and do your online shopping. 
(USA) It’s been almost a week now since he last corresponded with me. Some days are better than others. I was actually pretty happy today. Maybe my love tank is filling back up. I did send the one email to his work email addy..a short 4 liner basically telling him I knew he had to do what he had to do to save his family. I did not expect a response. The wife has obviously told the children. I saw on the 18 year old daughters myspace she was numb and wanted someone to "tell me what to say to him".
I went into my photos just now I just wanted to look at his picture and saw I had accidentally deleted all my inbox photos..not just his but all I had received in emails. It makes me sad not to have them but maybe God did it. All I have of him now is one on my cell phone.
I am learning some things about myself. I’m learning the high and rush I got that his attention had overtaken me. I find myself wanting another male to fill that void. I have to let God cure this hole in my heart or the same thing will happen again. I am trying to go to my husband for hugs and comfort even though he has no clue why. I have got to allow God to fix my little girl trauma and heal me.
(USA) Jess, your posts are encouraging and I read and re-read them. I wish I had found this sight earlier. We never agreed to break up previously, I broke it off with him. He couldn’t reach me because I changed cell phone numbers twice. So that’s why he says he knows he’s hurting me. He can’t give me what I want. I was becoming ever more demanding. The more of him I had the more I wanted. He had business problems and would be late calling and I’d be crying. Dumb of me.
Anyways, I would never tell husband and suggest that no wife does that unless she is willing to seriously consider divorce. It’s a big possibility, and not one to risk to clear your conscience and dump your (our) garbage on him, the innocent one. Your marriage will suffer more, unless of course he’s a jerk. I love my husband with my life, can you believe that? Its true. I’ve been with him since I was 15. Yet I cheated.
(USA) I called Tuesday and asked if he would call me back just to exchange pleasantries. He did briefly, then said he had to go and to call him Friday. Today is Friday. He was just stalling and appeasing me, but I kinda want to call, but if he doesn’t answer, then NC=NH! Help, its almost lunch.
(USA) Hi Janina, Well it’s disappointing that you are still communicating with a man that is not your husband.
With anyone else, it would be "pleasantries," not, however, with a man with whom you had an affair. Please don’t kid yourself… it’s not pleasantries, it’s an addiction. You are still giving in to the addiction.
All I can say is you have to ask yourself, do you really want to move on and stop the affair? Your recent post seems to imply otherwise. Do you really think it is wrong to have an affair (physical or emotional) or do you not? The Bible says it is. Do you believe that? Only you can make the decision to stop. Talking to this man, for any reason, isn’t helping you to do the right thing.
I’ll give you an example – my church confronted my husband on his abusing me. He was told to stop doing it (hitting/shoving me) or not come home. His actions were endangering my safety and my life so those were his choices. If he had come home (after our brief separation) and justified continuing to hit me, our church would have stepped in again and treated him as an unbeliever or I would have called the police.
In other words, he didn’t come home, after being confronted, and continue to do the same things and then find ways to justify it. This was the only example I could bring to mind to try and convey to you my thoughts on this.
Your husband knows nothing of this affair but who is to say, if you don’t cut it off, that God won’t find a way to open your husband’s eyes to it?
I told you in one of my post’s that God was helping you to move on by having the other man want to stop contact with you. If you don’t follow God on this at this step, all I can guess is that God will find another way to get your attention and it will probably be harsher the next time. Listen to God now, while God is still being gentle. Stop trying to call this man or contact him in any way. Move on with your life.
I’ll share with you what kept me from EVER wanting to have an affair again. I left my husband briefly to be with the other man. I had no intention of coming back. But it didn’t work out (of course) and I returned home, albeit to an abusive husband. I did the right thing, however, I found myself so confused and thinking I loved 2 men and I couldn’t find my way out of that hole (I didn’t have a website like this to come to) and I spiraled into depression. Eventually I attempted suicide. I hated my life and what I’d done and the awful sinner I became. I am convinced the only reason I’m here today is God sent some angels to save me. I had swallowed pills, woke up in vomit and couldn’t keep any food down for three days. I can assure you, THAT got my attention.
Normally I don’t share this much personal info but I know what I’m talking about – I’ve been there. I’m trying to keep you from going there or somewhere similar. God is using me and the others writing on this board to help you, but we can only help you if you let us.
I’m not the only one who has told you to stop contacting this man and I don’t know how to make it clearer to you but you are desperately in danger. You MUST stop communicating with this man. I hope this is clear. I’ll keep you in my prayers, LT
(USA) I said thank you to Jess but meant everyone who’s responded to my posts. I post and read from from my cell phone and sometimes it’s difficult to know who posted what. So thanks to all!
(USA) Sisters, The women that are further down the path than we are really do know what they are talking about.
It has been about 10 days since we broke things off. I truly felt for 7 of those that I was going to curl up in a ball and die. I have problems with Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS) and they were severe due to the stress of this for a week. I decided I needed to take a few days off of work to take care of ME. My Doc wrote me a note off work for me for Thursday and Friday and has given me the lowest dose possible of Xanax temporarily to help relieve the stress that causes the IBS. I know this is temporary and only God can help in the long run.
The email I wrote I took control of the situation and ended things MY WAY. I also had a close girl friend (GF) erase his cell numbers off my phone. I did not have the strength to do it. I erased his photos off my phone. God in his mercy had me accidentally erase his photos off the PC days ago by mistake.
The sisters are right when they say if you can get through the initial hurt and pain that the fog really does lift. If I had put the last 18 months into my marriage that I had into him, who knows where we’d be now. I told my GF I had wasted 18 months of my life. She said if I grew from it and learned from it, it wasn’t wasted. God can take our internal GPS when we get lost and still get us where He wants us to go.
Afternoons are the hardest. I want to get on and find someone to chat with that’s male and I still fight with that. But every day is DOES get better. We CAN live without them. As Joyce Meyer would say we are dealing with soul ties of our own making.
When the fog begins lifting you start thinking what was I thinking….let the fog lift.
And the most beautiful thing is that last night I laid in bed and listened to a Christian teaching on CD and cried and felt God and He spoke to me.
I heard a song yesterday that said when our kite string gets all knotted up God will unravel it, and that sometimes it’s painful while He does, but once He has it straight then we can fly again! Love to all my sisters, Angel
(USA) A last comment here on my situation. J called me on my job number today. A long time a go I told God I did not have the strength to break this off. I told God I wish J would get serious about Him (God) and break things off so that relationship could be restored. I always felt he just played church. In our short conversation he said his wife (even through the ex girlfriend was stalking him and sending the wife the email) has granted him total and complete forgiveness and that part of that was she got to keep up with all the phone records and work email. She has no clue I existed. They are receiving counseling from their minister.
He said he owes it to her and to his kids to try. I am so glad that God is faithful and hopefully J can have the relationship with God that I have always wanted him to have. I feel my prayers concerning that were spirit led and I am feeling like I am now able to have closure.
I know this will probably still be a battle at times but for J to have salvation…..that so blesses me and lifts my heart. God can truly use all our messes for His good and glory and I also have an appreciation for my own salvation as well as a new tenderness for prodigal children of God. For I now have been such a one.
His mom in an Alzheimer’s home has a doll that has been in my family for a while. He is going to try to get it and return it to me. I will probably take a girlfriend with me to get it in a public mall with no physical touches when it is time.
(USA) Hi Angel, Thanks for the update – God does make gold dust out of ashes.
I think it’s a good plan to have a girlfriend go with you to get the doll at a public place. Perhaps even better would be your friend to go and meet him without you, if possible. It sounds like you are close to closure. God bless!
(USA) I have been reading all the stories on this site. It helps to know I am not alone. Here is my story…
I have been married 13 years and have 3 children. About 5 years ago I started to feel horribly unhappy and lonely in my marriage. I thought it was just because we had little kids. That is what is suppose to happen, right? We slowly drifted apart. I was happy in all senses of my life, I had the family I had always dreamed about. But I had very little intimate relations with my husband (once every 6 or sometimes 8 months).
I had started a new job and had finally gotten out of the "mommy" stage of my life. I felt like a women again. A divorced from his wife and had 2 college aged children. We started an affair which I admit was just exciting at first but then we started to have feelings for each other. I fell hard. I made love to him and actually wanted it. After about 4 months into the affair my husband found out about it. I said I would end it but never did. I thought I would just be more careful. I was truly in love with this man. And I know that he loved me.
Anyway, to make a long story short, in that next 8 months I was telling my husband I wanted to make it work but couldn’t give up the affair. My husband found out about it again and then I started to question everything about my marriage. Why couldn’t I give this man up? I had everything I ever wanted. I didn’t want to get divorced because of my kids. How would that new relationship ever work? The guilt would overwhelm me.
My husband over the course of 2 years found out about the affair 5 times. I still couldn’t decide and I didn’t want to let the lover go because I still wanted to be with him. At one point I told my husband I wanted a divorce and then got too scared of the effect it would have on my kids. I could not afford to make it on my own. But I wasn’t sure if I was making this decision because I was still in love with this other man and that would be the only way I could be with him. When I finally realized divorce was not the answer (with the help of counseling and because I was just too chicken) I decided for his sake to let him go. Also I knew I needed him out of my life so the fog can lift. I know that.
My husband wants to work on our marriage. But I need to get over this other person first. I am trying not to hurt my husband any more that I have. I feel alone to grieve for this person. I know that no contact is the only way and I have contacted him after I said I couldn’t leave my husband, but he has not contacted me back. I know it’s not because he does not love me. It’s because he is trying to do the right thing.
My question is…What do I do? There is so much doubt that I actually love my husband because I can’t let my lover go. I keep going back to him. I am going through so much grief. What if my marriage does not work and I have then lost someone that I love deeply? Should I set a time period for my marriage or do I just throw in the towel and go for it with the other guy? Please help.
(USA) Becky, I am so in your boat! I wrote a few weeks ago about myself and my situation. I am newly married (only a year) and already attached to someone else (mostly on an emotional level)…but it is just so hard to let go. I have no kids yet, and because of this have thought very hard–is this the right marriage for me? Should I give it all up for a chance with someone else? The guy I am talking about is 18 years older than me with 2 teenage boys, and a very big player at my company. I always liked power and older men.
My husband is the nicest guy in the world, and has no idea of anything, but knows I am upset about things. I am just confused. But when you said-the fog has to lift–that’s true,and I am hoping that happens with me as well. Because I wonder the same thing–If my marriage doesn’t work-will I lose this person forever? My problem is I get bored in relationships–I just wonder if I’d be the same way in a few years with this man.
We have a lot of differences…so I just wonder–maybe I am thinking-is the grass greener? I don’t want to get separated (especially this soon after getting married)…but I am filled with different thoughts everyday. I am in therapy, and am hoping that in a few months of NO CONTACT, I will be able to figure out what I want. Have you and your husband thought about therapy? I think with each passing day of no contact-it will get better a bit. But do you need to see him everyday?