You’d think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance—a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most—his or her family.
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover—for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity—from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
The authors Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.
There is also an additional article written by Dr Harley, which is featured on the web site for the Family Dynamics Institute, that you might find helpful. You can read it by clicking onto the link provided below:
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(USA) Hi Becky, I am struggling today mightily with upholding my no contact (NC) from A. I dropped in here again to reread the posts and gather strength.
I do know what you are going through. I’ve tried many times over the last 4 years to end it. But I’ve never instituted the NC. Ultimately, my feelings never changed for A. And after even talking or emailing, the flames would kick up.
Why, when we both knew it was wrong, couldn’t I let my lover go? I believed I could have my cake and eat it too. I even had a better relationship with my husband because my other needs were being met outside our relationship. If he knew, it would be over. Absolute devastating disaster.
It has been God convicting me of my hypocrisy. How can I worship my savior, and keep knowingly sinning? How can I try to teach my children about Jesus and the "golden rule" and be exempt from my ideals? What would I ever tell my young children when their innocent eyes searched me to tell them "Why?"? How would my unbelieving husband ever come to know and trust Jesus with such hurtful sin by his believing & loving wife?
Writing this now to you is helping me resolve to stay in the NC mode. I hope it will be helpful to you in some way.
I knew that the relationship with A was a total fantasy and mirage. It helped me to feel beautiful, exciting, and as though I was 18. But switching over to live with A and my kids would be a huge, huge mistake. I recognized that from the beginning and so was content to try to have one foot in each camp.
I am now seeking fulfillment from the Lord. Thanking Him for giving me another chance. Since my heart has changed, I’ve received His confirmation and blessing. God is so good!
Even so, the temptation for just a phone call to check in is right in my face. Thank you for giving me a reason to write and remind myself of where I need to be and why! Godspeed.
(USA) Thank you both for responding…I am coming to grips that this man I was involved with was and is no good. It’s hard to see that at first because you only see the positive things in a person..how he made me feel. It is very blinding.
Yes, to answer your question my husband and I are in counseling. We have been for about 6 months. I have also been in individual counseling also. I think you are right about getting bored in a relationship. Married with 3 kids can get dull. Also it does not help that I am a bit rebellious.
It has been 3 1/2 weeks since I have seen him and only been 2 weeks since I have talked to him on the phone. There have been a couple of emails but he now will not respond to anything I send him. I know I shouldn’t but I do it anyway. So today I have decided to not contact him. It hurts that he won’t contact me back and the reason it hurts is because no matter what you want to know he still cares, and that he has not moved onto someone else. I know in every logical part of my brain that I would never be able to trust him in the "real" world.
So last night I decided that if my husband was comfortable I would tell him about the relationship bad sides. All the weird and distrustful things this man did. Oh and there are a bunch that I totally justified because I wanted that fix when I would see him. My husband was awesome and said he was glad I told him and that it seemed like that is what I needed to do to make it a reality in my head and heart. We are making progress.
I know that if I were to leave my husband and be with this other man it would probably not work. And the guilt would be overwhelming. But the grief I am feeling for losing him is still there. Hopefully it will get better a little at a time. I have learned that I trust my husband 100% and that I can actually lean on him during this time. Isn’t that crazy or do I just have a really good guy already.
My advice to you Lisa, is to continue the NC and try (if you are able) to be honest with your husband. Whether you stay married or not it’s the only way you can help yourself to better understand what it going on with you. I have learned to trust my husband and see what he is made of. He’s a man that loves his wife and will do anything he can to help her down her path of life.
Thanks.
(USA) Hello Sisters, It has been just over a month now since the breakup and 5 weeks since we were physically together. Days do get easier, afternoons too. There continues to be no contact. Part of that is hard, yet it does keep the roller coaster of emotions from being so terribly bad. I find myself wondering how he is doing, how they are doing, how long will he be able not to have another female in his life. I was tanning today and had my Faith Hill CD in. The song "Stronger" came on and is about a relationship breakup, but that it was for the best, and she would become stronger because of it and I cried. But the truth is he was never really mine to have. Our stolen moments was a fantasy world of perfection.
He was constantly on the internet, not working like he should have been, looking at porn. I chose to see only the good in him. I’m not so sure he could ever be faithful. I have a man that loves me, that loves God with all his heart, and I need to concentrate on trying to fix us. My heart is not towards my husband like it should be but hopefully that will return. He never knew and he never can know. It would be all over.
Unfortunately I am the product of not having a relationship with my Dad, and that has caused me to be needy emotionally. I wish I had never stepped out of my marriage and never met him. I had no clue going into this that I would ever want anything more than to talk on the net to a man. Please get out of your affairs while you can…ever day, every week month and year you stay in it makes it that much harder to break.
(USA) Hello y’all….and LT… LT suggested I read some of this from yall and it’s amazing that most if not all the things men have told us, are the exact same. I’ve been crying a lot reading y’alls quotes. I just can’t imagine, NEVER EVER seeing this person again. It’s like death. I just break down!! My girls have left w/their dad. …I moved out 1 year ago this month …and can’t decide if I want to go back to my husband…cuz for the same reasons I’ve read above. …I’m not in-love with him anymore. I care and love him a lot ….but not IN LOVE with him.
My lover "A" took all that away. By the way LT…I’m 44 and he is 31. We met when he was 27. At the time…I was a bit shocked, but then I thought…my grandparents are 13 years apart and made it to their 50th anniversary, so I ignored the age. I’m not trying to toot my own horn y’all, but I don’t look 44 today. I look like I’m in my early 30’s, if not…late twenties. Maybe because I’m so petite. I know this doesn’t justify my affair. But I was smitten from the beginning with A.
I really need a hug and wished someone lived here in the Dallas area. I could use a friend right now. Demi
(USA) Hugs, Hugs, Hugs, Hugs! I so understand! Angel
(USA) Angel, thank you for the hugs. It doesn’t help that "FLO" is in town. But I needed a GOOD cry. I haven’t done that in a long time. But believe me…I’m still hurting very much.
I have a question for y’all…..This person sent many signals and some were: Gay tendencies (like watching gay porn w/his brother-in-law) (gay men checking him out while we were out. He said he get this all the time.
I saw suicide marks on his wrists (due to childhood) but 3 years ago, he was going to counseling and told me he actually had the thoughts again due to what was happening to us….he just couldn’t see straight I guess.
He got fired from his job (where I work) 1st week in Jan. of this year cuz he was watching porn during work. (He was warned in Oct.) but still did it.
Even with all these faults….I tend to ignore them. He had a bad childhood and has 8 STEP bros/sis. His mom was a H*&% and a game-aholic. Gambled her house. Most of his step sis/bros are alcoholics and/or or are low life’s w/no jobs. I’m wondering WHY I would be attracted to a person with this background.
Can someone please try and explain this to me?
(USA) Hi Demi, I’m going to write what the Holy Spirit (and one of the things that comes with that, if prayed for, which I have, is discernment) is giving me in terms of what I perceive based on what you have written.
Firstly, ALL the things you write above are complete confirmation of what I wrote to you in my other note to you. I had this insight before I even knew any of the things you’ve just posted about the other man and his emotional problems. I don’t know if you had a chance to read my other comment yet (it’s on the page you originally it posted on). I said in there, based on this man’s lack of respect for you and his wife, he ultimately does not respect himself. In other words, he has no strong self-worth. I don’t say this to put him down or demean him – I don’t believe he even knows it, quite frankly, but that is what ALL those behavior patterns add up to.
FYI….porn addictions usually stem from unfulfilled emotional needs from childhood. They also feed into men not respecting women. Not only are the women objectified in these films but sex itself, a gift from God when used in the proper context, is made into a farce. It’s Satan’s ultimate way of twisting and defacing and defrauding something God made to be beautiful. The thought of porn makes me ill.
I’m going to take another leap here, because God is not currently giving me a clear answer on this, that this man is not a Christian nor is his family. Why were you drawn to him? As I stated in my other post – I believe you were in a state of weakness.
Please keep an open mind as I write further. I do not know you personally so I have no personal ties to the situation or the people involved and therefore I speak as a completely objective party, writing solely in response to the information you give.
Here is what I see – you say you are not "in love" with your husband. Well, again, that is the world’s definition of love and the world’s way of looking at love. Now, I used to fall for that, too. It’s all over in movies and shows but what my walk with Jesus has brought to light to me, is that it’s all wrong. God’s version of love is much different than that of the world’s.
To put it into layman’s terms, God’s version of love is more like what a good parent would do for his/her child. In other words, true, loving parents still love their kids even when they throw fits, do drugs, etc. When the start to do drugs, the parents put their foot down and get help and make a stand, even if it means having their child arrested because it’s the right thing to do. In other words, the world’s version of love is jump out when the heat gets too hot or when the romance goes too cold but that is not God’s way. See I Corinthians 13 for true love according to God.
Another statement I wanted to make to you, based on my observation and deductions of what you write, is that your relationship with Christ right now is very weak. Are you attending a church or do you have Christian friends with whom you can pray and they can pray for you? Is your prayer life strong? I don’t go to conventional church so I’m not going to say if you don’t go to church you’re a bad person, but I believe, through prayer, you need to have God guide you where to, right now, get your spiritual life back on track. When you’re right with God and in tune to God’s voice, everything else falls into place.
Because you’re weak with God right now, Satan is completely praying on you and your weaknesses. The way out is to get stronger with God.
Because of your looking at "love" through the world’s eyes (and I used to do the same thing so I know what it’s like), you’ve succumbed to an affair, you’ve left the husband God gave you, and now your girls live in a broken home and all the hurt and confusion that comes from that. I know it’s too soon to talk about you reconciling with your husband, but, eventually, that has to be addressed. Love perseveres and stands up for what is right (to paraphrase I Corinthians 13). If you’ve moved out and broken up your family for your own selfishness, it’s not what is right.
There are times when one spouse has to leave their home because of abuse, but that is not the case for you. In the case of abuse, leaving is doing the right thing. Therefore it’s supporting what is right out of love. But I do not see that to be the case with you. You left because you aren’t "in love." That’s just not a good enough excuse for God. For God, that’s not an acceptable excuse at all.
Right now, because you are separated, though, I say take this time on your own to get back on track with God. Become stronger in God. Pray and study daily. Fast if you need to. We all fall down, but you receiving advice here, from Godly people, is God’s way of picking you up and putting you back on track just like a loving parent always does when their own child falls down.
I pray for your wounds to heal. I pray for your soul to heal. I pray for your husband, your girls and the other man. May God bless you all and heal all of you. With love, LT
(USA) Perhaps you felt as if you could "fix him" help, and the trade off was it made you felt accepted, needed and valued, just a thought.
Mine was/is taking meds for depression something daily and Zanax for panic disorder. I looked at his kids myspace the other day. It it said things were falling apart.
Today it says a weird guy keeps mumbling and talking to himself- freaky
I’m extremely concerned about his well being right now but I was not the ex girlfriend that emailed his wife ratting him out. I have to just let it go, the best I can, and pray for him, when everything in me prays he does not do anything stupid to himself.
Why was I attracted to him? He took charge, took control, knew what he wanted, and made me feel loved appreciated and valued. "He" was my "fixer" for an absent Dad. Perhaps you were his for an absent Mom.
We are all just hurting grownups with wounded inner kids inside that sees love, approval and acceptance. Oh when will we ever get it through our heads that Jesus is the only one that can be that for us? Huggles, Angel
(USA) LT and Angel, I am reading every word you both have said. LT….I am not upset or mad or anything with you at all. I agree with you 100%. I have not been turning to God. I have not been attending church. I have actually put him aside because I thought to myself, "why did he put this person in my life for a challenge to set me up to fail?" I never intended to fail….even the first 4 months…I was NOT going to fall into infidelity. But…here I am.
The only reason I told you a little more about him is because there is MORE to the story. It’s just hard to put 4 years on this site. I know he had a bad childhood cuz he told me so…but I looked the other way….thinking he was different and of course.. it’s in the past. He seems wonderful and like I said before, I was smitten from the beginning. He’s now an adult and is making a good life for himself. So…I didn’t think much of his childhood.
I HAVE been looking back and remembering a lot of things and I now truly feel he has been doing this and that I was not his first. When I came back from vacation in January, I didn’t see him like I usually did on the first two Fridays. I play volleyball and asked him NOT to go to the gym on Fridays so I can have at least ONE day at the gym. Then I noticed him behind the curtain staring at me. I didn’t see this in Jan. so…I thought to myself…."I bet he got fired for porn" ….I don’t know LT….but I have those instincts. Lots of things I have thought of him….eventually came to fruition. I also thought to myself with sadness ….this is the break I needed …for him to be no where around me. I also thought maybe God was sending me a sign. I truly did.
LT…I’m not going to lie to you …no reason to ….I’m getting very good help here and I really appreciate it, but I still love him. I WILL get over him …..I WILL. I think I’ve finally found some good advice here and I will continue writing. I just hope y’all do too.
I am starting to put God back into my life. A friend of mine gave me a book called, "A Purpose Driven Life". It’s for 40 days. I read page a day. I am truly going to put him back into my soul. THANK YOU.
I do want to say that I’m proud of where you are at today. You’re my inspiration. And Angel, I think with this support here ….we will get through this. I know I feel good when I read y’alls comments. And I thank YOU for it too. hug hug hug. I know you’re in pain too …but like Santa Claus, the tooth fairy..etc… we as parents ACT as they are real (and WE ARE REAL). So smile, and savor all the special moments with your daughter. Hugs hugs to all the folks on this page.
(USA) Hi Demi, Thanks for the lovely message. I’ve heard very good things about the Purpose Driven Life. Looks like God’s already guiding you to the things you need, including this website and that book.
Yes, you’ll get over the love of the other man. It takes a very long time; I know it did with me. You just have to go one day at a time. I didn’t have a site like this when I was going through that and I certainly wish I did. BUT I know God was with me even then, so I suppose that was meant to be.
I feel that I wandered, even after the affair, a little too much. More than I would have if I’d had good Christian friends to help me. I took too long getting over it and didn’t make the best choices in the process, and part of my motivation in writing is to help others getting out of that situation, to do a better job of healing and repenting than I did. Lots of love, LT